That is the sexiest fucking thing I've ever heard.
You had a one-night stand.
I know. I've never done anything like that before.
You know those girls that are, like, confident?
-Yeah, I hate them. -Me, too.
I just pretended to be one of them.
Okay, I walked right up to him and decided to be that bitch!
-(squealing) -I don't know.
I still think sex is better when it's with someone you love
and it's an expression of your commitment.
-Ow! Damn it. -That is so boring, Kimberly.
I'm with you, Whitney. Sex is better with strangers.
End of story.
That is not what I said.
(gasps)
What?
First of all, good morning.
And second of all, where were you last night?
Oh, my God. She had a one-night stand, too.
Fuck. I'm so lame.
Okay. You ditched us last night,
and you ignored 20 texts from Kimberly.
And I'm on a limited data plan.
-They still have those? -Uh, yeah, they do.
And so now if someone texts me, what do I do?
I have to respond with an email or just hope that I run into them.
Okay. Look, I know that we are all roommates,
but that does not mean that I have to tell you where I'm going and what I'm doing.
Okay. We literally met, like, three days ago.
I don't even remember your last names.
Well, my last name, it's Finkle. Kimberly Finkle.
And last night, Kimberly Finkle
was worried that Leighton Murray got human trafficked.
-Okay, Kim. -What? It happens. They snatch girls.
Okay. Okay, you're right. I get it.
I understand that as a pretty blonde woman I am a target.
How did this become a compliment to you?
(grunts)
From now on, I will tell you when I am not coming home.
But no more details beyond that, okay?
No, I will not agree to that.
I came to college to hear about my roommates' sexploits.
So sit down and tell us
-who was inside you. -Ugh!
-Bela. -No.
Why am I only one fun one around here?
I'm so excited that classes are finally starting.
Oh, God. You were, like, valedictorian or some shit, weren't you?
I was, and the salutatorian's GPA wasn't even close.
What classes are you taking?
I literally don't even know.
I just signed up with anything that started with intro.
Mmm.
Oh! I'm over there. I'll catch you later, okay? Bye.
-Oh! Hi, Leighton's brother, Nico! -Hey.
-Good morning. -Morning. Happy FDOC!
Huh?
-First day of classes. -Oh. Right.
So, how was the rest of your night?
It got kind of nuts.
Nice.
Yeah. I drank way too much and woke up somewhere I...
definitely shouldn't have been. You know how it goes.
Yeah, for sure. I'm always doing that.
I never wake up in my own bed.
(chuckles)
Oh, shit. Are you taking French Revolution and Romanticism?
I am. Are you?
-No, I did last year. -Oh.
Our class was legit though. You must really like French.
I do. It's kind of my best subject.
In high school, I won a certificate
that was signed by the Lieutenant Governor of Arizona.
No big deal.
All right.
-Well, I better go. -Okay.
-Hey, Happy FDOC. -You remembered.
Hello?
Go Foxes, go
Fight on for Essex, shout it out loud
Okay. I'm hanging up.
-My daughter she goes to Essex. - (Leighton) Okay, bye.
No, no, no, don't hang up. Don't hang up. How are you?
Are you loving it or what?
-Yeah, I don't know, it's fine. - (Henry) What do you mean "fine"?
Honey, this is your first week of college.
It's, like, probably the best seven days of your whole life.
What are you talking about?
Did you make up with Esme and Francesca yet?
What? No. No, I don't even think about them anymore.
They can live their lives, and I can live mine.
(Henry) Well, that's great, honey. I'm glad.
What else? Have you met any cute boys or what?
Yeah, a few.
I'm actually already pregnant, and I have no idea who the father is.
Honey, no, no, no. What do we say about that joke?
It is a joke, right?
(laughs) Look, I gotta go. But I love you, okay?
Okay. I love you, too.
But seriously, you were joking, right?
Seriously, please don't get pregnant.
Yeah! Aww...
Esme, Esme's roommate.
Leighton, wait.
How have you been?
Francesca and I were worried about you.
I have been amazing.
Actually, my new roommates are phenomenal.
We all get along so well.
Um, would you like to sit with us?
Oh, that's so sweet.
But, actually, a bunch of new friends I made are saving me a seat.
Hi!
Hey.
Yeah, they're so cute. But thank you.
Well, I'm happy you're doing well.
Same. Same to you.
I'll see you both at graduation.
If you make it. (chuckles)
Welcome to Math 350.
We're gonna start today off with a quick assessment test.
Yay.
All right, nice pass.
Switch it. Jena to Whitney.
Come on, get clear!
Nice!
(Jena) Here.
That's you, Jena! That's you!
-Go, go, go! -I'm here!
Here.
Oof!
Motherfucker!
Sorry.
My bad.
The hell kind of a shot was that?
I was open.
You have a fucking wife?
Okay, I swear I was going to tell you.
When Dalton? When?
When we were fucking on your sofa or when we were fucking in your car?
It's complicated. Michelle and I have been having problems.
-It's-- -Oh, you have?
Oh, my God. Is one of you cheating?
-I'm trying to be honest with you. -Oh, you want honesty.
Okay, you're a fucking creep. I'm a fucking catch.
Never speak to me again.
Whitney, please stop.
Michelle and I haven't slept together in months.
We're barely married anymore. Okay?
I think what you and I have is real.
Please don't throw it away
because I haven't found the right time to end things with her.
Do whatever you want. You and I are done.
Can you please just not--
And this better not affect my playing time.
Okay.
Fuck.
Bonjour.
(speaking French)
Hello everyone, welcome.
We are going to study
the French Revolution and Romanticism.
I'm sorry I was late.
Or as the French call it,
...half an hour early.
(all laughing)
So let's start by introducing ourselves and what we did this summer.
My name is Ian,
and I spent this summer in Paris
where I studied at the Sorbonne
and volunteered on the restoration of Notre Dame.
Very good.
My name is Tyra,
and I interned with an environmental activist group in San Francisco.
Nancy Pelosi called our ideas "revolutionary"
and she even tweeted a picture with us.
Hi. My name is Kimberly Finkel.
This summer... I worked...
at Groomingdales.
It's a...
How do you say "dog kennel"?
...and store for grooming.
I was in charge of sweeping up the nails.
I cut the dogs' nails...
super great, cutting the dogs' nails, super.
Okay.
(boy speaking French)
I was a French translator at the Tokyo Olympics...
Kimberly.
Everything okay, professor?
I think this class is too advanced for you.
I suggest that you drop it.
What?
But French is my best subject. I know I didn't do great today,
but I can catch up. I'm sure of it.
Well, ultimately, the decision is yours.
But I promise I am suggesting this because it is best for you.
You're not ready.
(Ryan) Welcome to the Catullan.
You eight should be proud of yourselves for making it through the first cut.
You're officially funny.
Or at least marginally funnier than the unfunny people who we've already cut.
Hi, Bela Malhotra.
I've been working on this piece
where Billie Eilish raps the warranty page of a printer manual.
-It goes like this-- -I'm sorry,
were our unspoken rules not clear enough here?
New members aren't allowed to pitch yet.
For the next six weeks you'll be interning as our support staff.
If I want barkTHINS and a mocha, you will get me barkTHINS and a mocha.
And don't be cute and try to write a funny name on my cup.
You will be cut.
-I'm confused. Are we not writers? -Not yet.
Those of you who are still round in October
will submit your final pieces for consideration.
For now, let's celebrate your small recent accomplishment
and the long unrelenting road ahead with a little bit of snacks and chitchat.
Hey, Evangeline, can I talk to you for a moment?
-Sure. I'll catch up with you guys later. -Yeah.
Hey, um, I know you and I got off on the wrong foot,
and I don't want things to be weird between us.
I sent you an email apologizing. Did you get it?
I did. I thought I wrote you back.
Maybe it got stuck in my outbox. It happens.
Ugh. Yep, it did.
Here. Just sent it.
Did you get it?
-I did. -Great.
Hey, so what did you guys think of your first day of classes?
Like was it easier than you expected? Or harder? Or like, way harder?
(both) Easier.
Easier? Not harder?
(both) Easier.
Yeah, I know. I thought this place was supposed to be hard.
But my public school education definitely prepared me for it. Definitely.
I'm gonna go do my homework,
and I'll probably be done in, like, four seconds.
But, you know, you just gotta laugh, right?
It's just-- it's funny.
(laughing)
-Was that weird? -Hmm?
No, I wasn't really listening.
Ms. Murray, can I talk to you about yesterday's assessment test?
Before you say anything, you should know that my father did pay for this building.
Okay. Noted.
What I was going to say is that you got the highest score in the class.
-Wait, really? I did the best? -Yeah.
Wow. I mean, I would have thought everyone did well.
It was so stupid and easy.
Okay, well, that's kind of insulting.
Regardless, you need to be in a much higher level class.
Also, I want to increase the number of women in my seminar to one.
So would you consider moving up?
Sure. On one condition.
Based on yesterday's placement test,
one extraordinary student has been selected to join my advanced section.
And that student is Leighton Murray.
She is a charming and dynamic young woman
who seems like a wonderful friend
who you'd hate to lose.
Now, we know that she is objectively
the smartest person here.
Congrats, Leighton,
#ontobiggerandbetterthings.
Hey, Jena, I love those toe shoes.
Hey, Willow.
Damn. That look she gave you was true hatred.
I would have cried.
-What are you up to tonight? -Nothing.
I'm doing nothing in my apartment by myself.
Willow, why are you being weird?
-I am not being weird. -You're totally being weird.
What's going on?
I'm going to Jena's house with the rest of the team.
Are you serious? She invited everyone but me?
No, no, she did not. She also didn't invite Brittany.
-Who's Brittany? -She's studying abroad.
Don't worry.
I'll go tonight and talk of how chill you are.
I'll fix this.
-Okay. Thank you. -Okay.
I don't know, man.
I just thought college would be a lot more fun and crazy than it's been so far.
-Yeah? -I've been here six days,
I've made multiple enemies, and I've had zero three-way kisses.
What are you talking about?
I mean, two weeks ago, I was in Ohio, and tonight, I'm going to a naked party.
Not many of those in Akron.
I'm sorry. What?
Oh. Akron's a city in Ohio.
Bitch, you know that's not the detail I want.
(Bela) Oh, my God. Travis, this is looking so good.
-(Travis) Yeah. -What is going on in here?
It smells awful.
Yeah, Travis is contouring my body.
He's using makeup to suddenly enhance my banging bod.
-It's impressive, right? -Yeah. Nobody has that many abs.
Yeah, those lines are way too dark. All right, you look like a xylophone.
Check yourself. These are professional grade tools
that I bought, gently used on eBay.
But why are you doing this?
Because I'm going to a naked party.
-To a what? -Okay. So you're going to an orgy?
No. It's not an orgy. It's a normal party.
Except with naked people. And I'm not going to it, we're going to it.
Travis, could you move to my back while I address my roommates?
I have come up with undeniable reasons why each of you should join me and party nude.
Leighton, you're first.
You are not going to convince me to go.
-I'm gonna head out. -Where are you going?
I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention where I was going?
Right, I didn't. Because it's not of your business.
Bye.
Savage.
(door opens, closes)
(sighs)
-Whitney Chase. -Yeah, I can't make it.
Why is everyone opposed to this party?
Because it sounds weird, Bela.
Fine. Kimberly, it's just us two.
Mmm.
Men have objectified women's bodies for tens if not hundreds of years.
Bela, I'm sorry. I can't make time for this.
-Why can't you make time for this? -I just can't.
Wh...
Why is there a tan assprint on our couch?
What you should be asking is, "Why aren't there four?"
Whitney Yo, what's going on with Jena's party?
I'm turning down a lot of hot offers for tonight!!
Willow - Spoke to Jena. Not gonna happen. Maybe by next season she won't hate you?
What? Ugh!
(Chloe) God, you're so much hotter than your profile.
-It's like a reverse catfish. -Thanks.
I'm so sorry. Does this car seat come out? It's really digging into my boob.
-Oh! It's like a whole thing to remove it. -It's fine.
Hey, do you go to Essex?
H-How did you know that?
Uh, your keychain.
What's wrong? Are you not out?
No, I'm--
(scoffs) I'm sorry, how is that any of your business?
I didn't mean anything by it, I'm just surprised.
I thought kids your age came out when they're like six years old.
-Isn't it cool to be gay now? -Oh, my God.
Did I upset you?
No. It's just-- you have no idea what you are talking about.
-When did you come out? -In high school.
So, for someone like you, I'm sure coming out probably made you more interesting.
But for me, I was popular.
So I actually have something to lose.
It's hard to find the courage to come out.
But it's worth it.
Maybe for you.
I don't want being gay to be my identity.
I like my identity.
I don't wanna be the gay Kappa girl or the lesbian cousin.
I don't wanna be other. Yeah, I just wanna be me.
(Chloe) Mmm.
-By hiding who you are? -No, and--
I came here to hook up,
not to be lectured by some suburban mom in a bad cardigan.
Uh, excuse you? I'm just trying to help.
(Kimberly speaking French)
Kimberly, you are well at French.
I mean... good, good at French.
-Hello, Kimberly. -I bought this tea at a store.
-I don't have a hot plate. -It's okay.
I was just doing my Friday night sweep,
looking for opioids.
I didn't expect anyone to be here.
Oh, I'm taking advantage of the quiet to study.
On a Friday night? You should be out with friends.
It's okay. I'll go out another night.
Kimberly, the first week of school is when people find their friends.
My first weekend,
I skipped the Swedish Mid-September party.
That was when they found the inside joke
they would be utilizing for the next four years.
And I still don't know who Radish Face is.
I fear it may be me.
Well, I can't be the only one staying in tonight.
I believe you are. Well, if you get lonely or have dark thoughts
come over and we could play a board game.
It is my job to be available for people like you.
Wait for me! I'm coming!
I deserve to have some fun!
-Ooh! -Yes!
Let's go.
Yo, we're gonna see each other's tits tonight.
-(music playing) -(indistinct chatter)
Wassup, bitches?
What are you doing here?
I realized I'm not just gonna sit at home
because one girl doesn't want me here for no reason.
There is a reason, she doesn't like you.
Well, she is definitely gonna like me after I give her this.
A basket of lavender soaps and hand creams?
She's the co-captain of the team, not your great aunt.
This is nice. It has bath crystals in it.
-Mmm-mmm. -Whatever. Okay. I'm gonna go find Jena,
make her my best friend and replace you.
I'm your best friend? You've known me for like four weeks.
Tragic.
(Jena) I said I was sorry, I don't make the schedules.
(Jason) It's like I don't even have a girlfriend.
-I'm done. -Please stop. Don't do this. Jason--
What the fuck? Why are you in my room?
I brought you some soaps.
So how does this work?
Do we just take our clothes off and go inside?
(Bela) I guess.
(door opens, closes)
This just got so real so quick, I don't think I can do this.
Fuck it, I'm going in!
Oh, my God, Jocelyn, you have like perfect Keira Knightley boobs.
Well, I'll see you inside?
Hoo!
-(door closes) -(sighs)
-Well? -(nervously) Same time?
Same time.
Okay.
Let's go.
(both laughing)
-(boy 1) I don't even know. -(boy 2) No, he went down the lane.
-He went down the whole lane. -Holy shit.
Guys, stop. Hey, Leighton.
-Oh, hey. -What's up?
Are you, like, alone?
-Yeah. -But it's a Friday night.
Yeah, I know it's Friday. Maybe I'm going somewhere really fun.
-Are you? -No.
Look, Leight,
just because those girls don't wanna live with you doesn't make you a loser.
Yo, what they did was not cool.
You told them?
Yeah, of course I did.
I mean, that was really fucked up.
Yeah, for what it's worth, we all felt so bad for you.
Okay. Well, this was horrible,
and I'm gonna go drink until I forget this conversation ever happened.
Leighton. Leighton. You're gonna make friends soon, I know it.
Everything you're saying is making it worse, thank you.
(boy) Damn. She must be really hurting.
Wanna go throw knives at trees?
-Yup. -Let's fucking go.
(whooping)
Hey, I don't think you realize it,
but you're aggressively cupping your breasts in shame.
Yes. You're right. I am doing that.
I'm fixing it now. Here we go.
Uhh...
I'm proud of you.
Ready to mingle?
Yeah.
Which group of butts looks more approachable, the right or the left?
The right butts look kinder but I don't know what I'm basing that on.
-Yeah, no, I agree. Right butts for sure. -Uh-huh.
Let's go.
Hannah is on the Lip Mag?
Hello, everybody!
So embarrassing that we all wore the same outfit, right?
Is this your first naked party?
No. Why would you say that?
Because you looked down at everyone's junk, multiple times.
Naked parties are about being comfortable in your skin,
not objectifying, catching a peek.
Oh, no doubt, no doubt, I know that.
-I just looked down again, didn't I? -Yeah.
So we're not even supposed to look?
What is this, a naked party under Taliban rule?
Why are you two hanging out alone like a bunch of creeps?
People think you're cops.
-Ugh! -Maybe we should just go.
I thought this would be the amazing, unforgettable party I've been waiting for,
but that's obviously not the case.
No. We are gonna stay, and we are gonna make the most of it.
Together. Jocelyn.
You seem so comfortable.
How can we be more like you?
I pre-gamed a lot, so I'm crazy drunk.
-Okay. -(guffaws)
Here we go.
Okay, well, there's a gift receipt in the basket.
You have 14 days.
Are you okay?
My fucking boyfriend just broke up with me.
He can't handle our soccer schedule.
He says I'm never around,
like my life should revolve around hanging out in his frat basement
while he and his friends flick each other in the nuts.
Sounds like a real winner.
You don't fucking know him. His dog just died.
I should not have said that.
It's okay.
He does suck.
It's just... Not like guys are lining up for me.
-Jena, what? You're so pretty. -Oh, fuck you.
You are. You're tall, you're ripped, and you're, like, so good at soccer.
That's why it kills me that you don't like me.
So look, if this guy doesn't get that, fuck him, move on.
There's plenty of guys out there.
Thanks.
So are we good now?
Because I'd love it, if you stopped kicking the shit out of me on the field.
Yeah. We're good.
But you're wrong about one thing.
There aren't many guys our age who can handle being with girls like us.
So, good luck finding one.
-(music playing) -(indistinct chatter)
I mean, come on, it's a naked party.
Everybody looks at everybody.
You just can't look like you're looking.
Like right now, I just glanced at your boobs three times.
No, you did not. You were looking at my eyes.
I micro-glanced, the left one's bigger.
Holy hell, she's right, your left one is bigger.
Hey. Do any of you know where a girl named Sarah is?
-No. -Sorry.
I don't.
-Did you see that? -Wow!
Micro-glance.
(both laughing)
(Bela) I'm gonna get a drink.
-What the hell? -(drink spills)
Oh. Of course, it's you.
You know what? No.
You spilled my drink.
And I'm sorry about that. But I already know where this is going.
You're gonna say something mean to me and make me feel bad about myself.
I'm a good person. Did I jerk your boyfriend's dick? I did.
But if I knew he had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have done it.
Please stop being mean to me. I'm sorry.
(Evangeline) Come over here.
I know I've been less than kind.
It's because I fought super hard for you in the first cut.
Staff was split about your submission and people preferred this guy,
but I thought your stuff was funny, so I pushed for you,
which then made me look like an idiot when everyone found out
that the girl I supported had a jack fest with my boyf the night before.
-You liked my submission? -It was pretty solid.
-Pretty solid? -You're a first year, take it easy.
So wait, can we just please be good now?
-I don't want you to hate me. -Yeah. We can be good.
I think I need to hug you.
Oh, jeez, my abs rubbed off on you.
Hmm. My boob contour got on you, too.
(squeals) We both contoured? I love us.
-Hey. -Hey.
(knocking on door)
This will be quick.
Oh, shit. You're wasted.
Nico, at the naked party, I had an epiphany.
You are going to French tutor me in French, please?
You're asking me to tutor you at 1:00 in the morning?
Mmm-hmm.
Sure. I'll tutor you.
Oh!
Excellent. And I appreciate it.
Goodnight.
That's it?
That'll be all, tutor. Thank you.
Hello, John. Your hat looks stupid and the school you founded sucks.
And I'm sorry you died in the snow.
(cell phone vibrating)
-Hello? - (Chloe) Hey, it's Chloe.
Who?
You had my nipples in your mouth in a minivan today.
What do you want? What, did you not sufficiently lecture me in your car?
I'm just calling to check in on you.
I could tell you're in a really bad place,
and I just wanted to say that it gets better.
(scoffs) Oh, my God. Are you fucking serious?
You're "it gets bettering" me? Yeah, no. I am fine.
You drive a Ford Windstar. You get better.
I mean, my life is great. Why is everyone fucking pitying me?
Have you seen me?
I'm smart, stylish, and as it turns out, I'm really fucking good at math.
I'm thriving.
(Chloe) But you're living a lie.
Yeah, I know! You don't think I fucking know that?
(screams)
I'm thriving!
-(grunts) -(siren chirps)
(man) Stop right there! Don't move!
-Fuck! -(man) Hey, I said stop!
Go around! Go around!
Stop running!