LEIGHTON MURRAY
Did you just get a mysterious envelope
and casually toss it aside without even opening it?
-Fuck, you're cool. -Okay, I already know what's inside.
It's my invite to Kappa's pre-rush brunch later this afternoon.
How can you be sure?
Because as a future Kappa, I know how Kappas think.
And I also might have heard two girls in my Lit seminar
talking about the envelope color Mykonos sky blue.
Interesting. I think of it as more of a Sonic the Hedgehog blue.
Wait. Kappa invited you too?
Sure did. Got it last night. What? Are you surprised?
Of course I'm surprised. You wear sneakers with dresses.
Leighton, I'm gonna tell you what I told Whitney.
That sororities have a long history of exclusionary behavior
that promote this kind of woman-on-woman warfare,
and that's why I will be abstaining from Greek life.
Yeah. Absolutely. Preach. I'm totally on the same page.
Did you get an envelope?
-No, I did not. -Me neither.
THE SEX LIVES OF COLLEGE GIRLS
Hey, can I give you some unsolicited feedback on what you're wearing?
Oh, my God. Of course. I love when people do that.
It's just Kappa is the most exclusive sorority on campus.
And this rush brunch is your first opportunity to show them that you fit in.
Okay. So what's wrong with what I'm wearing? It's jeans and sneakers.
And that is such a cute outfit for, like, grocery shopping.
I'm just saying that there's still time to run home and change.
Oh, my God. Maybe you should change.
I look good. You look like a perfume lady at Bloomingdales.
That is the meanest thing you could have said to me.
I just-- I think you're overthinking it. The invite said to dress casual.
This is what Kappa means by casual.
Yeah. This is some Get Out shit right here.
Hey, Mr. G, I think you need to chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chill out.
So funny, right?
I love that catchphrase. "Chugga, chugga, chill out."
No. The sketch is about how catchphrases are lame.
Who would actually laugh at someone saying "Chugga, chugga, chill out"?
Forget it. Look, this guy, Danny Marawitz, he's a comedy legend.
He's also a Catullan alum and he's gonna be at this big alumni dinner
they're throwing tonight. I wanna chat him up and convince him to be my mentor.
Bela, I'm sure he'd love to be your mentor.
You're the funniest person I know. It's like I live with Bugs Bunny.
I know you mean that as a compliment, so thank you.
Hey, wait. Actually, do you wanna come with me as my plus-one?
-Yeah, I'd love to. -Okay. Cool.
So, if people like this Danny guy are going,
it's probably gonna be pretty fancy, right?
-Fancy as shit. -So, like, pantyhose fancy?
Kimberly, nothing is ever pantyhose fancy.
Okay. Well, I only brought one dress with me to college.
I'm sure it's fine. Is it black?
It's mustard.
Maybe we just go shopping.
Okay. Fresh rosemary sprig in my drink? I can get on board with this.
See? Kappa's living up to the hype. Do you see that blond girl?
There's, like, 15 blond girls over there.
First off, half of them are bronde.
No, I'm talking about that one right there, Quinn Cannon.
She went to Spence.
She was, like, three years above me and now she is president of Kappa
and queen of the entire Essex social scene.
Quinn Cannon is exactly who I wanna be in three years.
Okay. I am gonna go mingle. Are you good on your own?
-I most definitely am not. -Hey, you'll be fine. All right?
I can text you details about who you're talking to if you need.
I've done extensive research on every single girl here.
And if you need any help, just start talking about celery juice.
Hey, you're Maura, right?
Yeah. You must be Nico's sister, Leighton. How are you liking Essex?
I've been busy balancing schoolwork and extracurriculars,
and finding ways to apply the knowledge I gained last summer
while interning for Dahlia Lithwick at Slate.
I feel like I'm interviewing you for a job. Did you rehearse this?
No.
Wait. Your name is Ashley too? I just met an Ashley.
Yeah, but I spell it A-S-H-L-E-E. I know. What were my parents smoking?
Allie VanLandingham. You were the senior social chair at Choate, right?
Yeah. How did you know that?
There's only three Choate Kappas. You, Madison and Sheridan.
-It's all on the website. -Stalker much?
It's public information.
Yeah, but I spell it A-S-H-L-E-I-G-H.
A-S-H-L-E-Y-E.
I spell it A-S-H-L-I-E.
-Do you like celery juice? -I have it every single morning.
Oh, my God.
Kappa girls are we, and everywhere we are, we wear the sacred letters, KBR.
Go, Kappa Beta Rho.
Oh, my God. There's such good stuff in the Kappa hashtag.
Would it be crazy if we made one together?
-Hey, sorry. I gotta go. -Yeah. No. Of course. I'll see you later.
Your sneakers are so cool.
And you actually play a varsity sport. That's so impressive.
Whitney, what's your phone number? We wanna add you to our Kappa memes chain.
This has been so great, but I have a team bus to catch.
It was nice meeting you,
and I look forward to seeing you all on Selling Sunset one day.
She's so cool.
GAIA'S BOUTIQUE
This one's so pretty.
This looks like something Shania Twain would wear.
Kimberly, no. Please let me fix you. I'm trying so hard.
Okay.
So, have you met up with hot-ass Nico for any more French lessons yet?
No. Not since he bailed on me last time. I'm not sure it'll be an ongoing thing.
-But did you text him? -It's fine. I don't wanna bother him.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. This is the dress. Fire emoji.
Head exploding emoji. Tongue hanging out emoji. You gotta try this one on.
This is beautiful. It's way too expensive.
Kimberly, if you don't wrap your beautiful body in this dress,
it'll be a slap in the face of hot feminists everywhere.
I can't afford this.
This will use up way too much of my for-emergencies-only credit card.
So just leave the tags on and return it tomorrow.
-Hey. Come over here. -Hey.
Oh, my God.
I am so excited to get out of town with you.
Me too. I kind of love hotels.
That's so cute. But you're not gonna like this one. It's pretty gross.
Well, I'm sure you'll like it more than crashing on your couch for another night.
It's gotta be so weird for you being around Michelle
since you told her you're leaving her.
Let's not think about that right now.
Let's just think about all the hot hotel sex we're gonna be having tonight.
Okay. Bus is starting. We gotta go. And hide your boner. Damn, bro.
Wait. Let me carry your bag in front of it.
Just tuck it up behind your belt.
Right.
All right, everybody. Let's get on the bus.
Leighton Murray. Were you leaving without even saying hi to me?
Yeah. Sorry. I just-- Well, I knew you were really busy
and I wasn't really vibing with the others girls, so...
Yeah, I saw. Look, everyone here is equally obsessed with Kappa.
They're just better at hiding it. Let's go inside and get a drink.
So you might major in math?
-I know it's lame. -No, it's refreshing.
If I had to talk to another fucking marketing major,
I was gonna rip my ears off.
-Hey, do you know Cory in Theta? -Yeah. Nico got COVID from him. Why?
Well, according to my boyfriend, he has a huge crush on you.
-Yes, I have heard that. -Would you be into him?
Yeah. No. 100%. He's so cute.
I knew it. I'm texting him right now that you like him.
What's up?
Once we get to the hotel, you're gonna wanna eat some crackers or something,
'cause the team is going out hard tonight.
But don't we have a game tomorrow?
It's fine. The team we're playing is awful.
I'm telling you, tonight's the best team-bonding night of the year.
You're gonna love it.
All right, ladies. I need to speak with you, so all eyes on me.
Way ahead of you, handsome.
Coach Woods and I know that there was
a lot of sneaking out last year after curfew,
and I just want to make it clear that that's not gonna happen again, okay?
-I have a question. -Okay. What is it?
-How'd you get so fine? -Okay, I get it.
There's some weird jokes among you girls that I'm, like, attractive or whatever,
but I am your coach and I deserve respect, okay?
-All right. So when we get to the hotel-- -Take your shirt off.
No, I'm not gonna take my shirt off, and you can't talk to me like that, okay?
Okay, Daddy.
No. Do not call me Daddy. I'm not your sexy daddy.
-Put me to bed, Daddy. -Come on.
Oh, man. So many Catullan alums showed up.
Oh, my gosh. There's a helium balloon arch.
-I've always wanted to walk under one. -Me too.
-Can you take a picture of me with it? -Yeah, sure.
Yes, girl. Yes. So hot. Oh, my God. You look so fucking hot.
Hey. So that's Ryan, the nice editor, and that's Eric, the mean editor.
And that's Peter Cook, class of '84.
He wrote, like, all of Greg's funny lines on Dharma & Greg,
just in case you talk to him and that comes up.
He's good at Greg. Got it. Hey, isn't that the "chugga, chugga" guy?
Yeah.
Hey, do you mind mingling with the other plus-ones for a bit?
I'm gonna go talk to him and I don't want you watching as I make love to his ego.
Of course. Don't worry about me. I'm gonna hobnob like it's my hob-job.
-Yeah, please don't. -I won't try to be funny.
I'll just, like, talk to old ladies about recent Jeopardy episodes.
Perfect. Okay.
Thank you.
Lila. Canaan. Hey, how are you guys?
Kimberly?
How cool is this? Have you guys seen the seafood tower?
It has three tiers.
Wait. So you're a guest here? And we're, like, serving you?
Yeah, that's weird.
No, no. I'm barely a guest. I'm my roommate's plus-one.
And I'm just here on a technicality. Those look good.
Would you like one of my coconut shrimp?
I'm good. I just had something.
And do you want to put your little stick on my trash tray?
No. I'm gonna hold onto it for a bit.
No, no. Take a lap.
Excuse me. You're Danny Marawitz, right? I'm Bela Malhotra.
-I'm a Catullan hopeful. -I'm jealous.
I'm just here admiring pictures of myself without a receding hairline.
Well, if it's more hair you want, I waxed my arms this morning.
So there's basically an Elvis wig in my garbage can.
I'm sorry. That was gross. I'm just nervous to talk to you.
That's really funny. What's your name again?
-Bela Malhotra. -Well, good luck, Bela.
Gentlemen, don't hit me up for money.
Leighton?
-Did you buy a chair? -Yes.
If I'm gonna be here for 100 hours,
I'm not spending them on a couch that's older than I am.
Oh, my God. You know, you can't--
And before you jump on my dick,
my shift is over in ten minutes, and I've done a bunch of work.
I restocked the tampons in the bathroom. I restocked the tampons in the couch room.
And I even gave a girl a pamphlet on the prison industrial complex.
Hey, if you want to shave off some hours, I could really use your help tonight.
It's a panel on the ABCs of the LGBTs. You'll hate it.
Yeah, I can't. I have a-- I have a thing.
-A date? -Yes.
This'll be so much fun. Okay, let me guess your type.
His name? Gareth. His dad? The Monopoly man.
And his hobbies, they include sailing and benefiting from generational wealth.
You forgot belittling waiters, but yes, otherwise, that's about right.
Well, that sounds like my personal nightmare.
-Condoms on your way out if you want them. -Yeah. No, thank you.
-I do not hook up on the first date. -Whatever you say.
-Hey. -Hey.
I know I was being weird before, but that was because of something else.
-And I'd love a Sprite, please. -Okay. Sure. One Sprite.
-What are you doing? -Sorry. Is that not enough?
What the hell is wrong with you? It's a Sprite.
-I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. -Don't worry about it.
Keep your money. No one else here is tipping anyway, so...
Hold on. I have an idea.
A bartender on full scholarship and he makes a mean martini.
Here is a 20.
What the hell?
When people know we're on financial aid, they tip more.
Okay, I get that you're trying to help, but there's no way that's gonna work, so--
I'll take a martini.
Coming right up.
And Kappa's basically Theta's, like, sister sorority, so...
You know, it would be great if Nico and me--
-Yeah. -I'm sorry. Am I boring you?
Hey, I got to ask you. What is this?
What do you mean?
When I saw you this summer and then with your brother a couple weeks ago,
you know, you kind of seemed into me and then I don't know.
Whenever I try to hit you up, you ghost me,
and then all of a sudden you want to go to dinner.
Something just kind of seems off with you.
I just got to school, like, a month ago.
I'm sorry I don't hit you up to dry-hump me every night.
-That's not what I meant at all. -No, no, no. I know. I'm sorry.
I just-- I'm sorry.
Look, Cory, I really like you.
Do you, Leight? Because sometimes I think--
Shall we go back to your place? I could talk about Kappa some more.
I would love that.
It was great chatting with you too.
-You as well. -Thank you.
It was my pleasure.
Dude. I'm networking my hot little ass off.
Excuse me. Can I have your attention, please?
That's Danny. I am gonna get in his eye line and laugh really hard.
-My time at the Catullan changed my life. -Excuse me.
And I've spent the last 20 years trying to change it back.
But seriously, there is no better place to launch a comedy career.
With the skills you've learned here and the connections you'll make,
soon you'll be working in writers' rooms with other funny guys
and their marginally funny girlfriends they've hired through nepotism.
But jokes aside, I think it's great that there are some female writers now.
Like this girl right here.
I had the chance to chat with her earlier,
and I honestly think that people like her are the future of comedy.
A young Indian woman?
Soon she'll be the only one of us who can sell a television show.
Let me guess. About a quirky ethnic woman
trying to balance her love life and her career. Yeah, that's compelling.
EASTERN PINE INN
Do you want some?
Wait. Wait. Wait. You need more. Go, go.
Okay, where are we going?
A mini-golf course that shares a parking lot with McDonald's.
God damn, that sounds amazing.
TROPICAL SANDS MINI GOLF
Okay. Thank you.
-Hump that dino. -Go, babe.
-Yes. -Yeah, I got it.
This is 1,000% going on my Tinder profile.
Okay. Okay. All right.
-Thank you. -What was that?
What? Nothing.
Shit. You're hooking up with Coach Dalton.
He may have hilarious catchphrases, but that guy was such a jerk.
I really hated everything he said.
Hey, thanks for being a good sport. Anything for the laugh, right?
You're an asshole.
Easy, honey. Don't get upset. I promise you. It's not a good look.
I used to look up to you, but now I don't even remember why.
You haven't worked in, like, ten years.
And you know why? Because you're not funny anymore.
You're, like, toxic podcast funny at best.
So chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, eat shit.
-You can forget about my donation check. -Wait. What do you-- Wait.
Hey, Danny, wait. I think it's crazy you haven't worked in ten years.
You don't need his money anyway, right?
I have so many questions. When did this start?
Is he as good at sex as he looks?
And, bitch, are you crazy? Answer the sex one first.
I know. I know it's insane. Okay? But I can't help myself.
-I think I, like, love him. -You love him?
Willow, please keep your voice down. Okay? No one can find out.
This whole team is full of secrets, and I never share them.
-Last spring, Jena ran over a dog. -You just shared one.
Willow, please. Okay, this could ruin Dalton's career.
And with my mom being a senator, it would be this whole big thing.
-Okay? You really can't say anything. -Say anything about what?
Hey, Jena. Willow and I are actually in the middle
of an important private conversation.
-About what? -About news and current events.
-What the fuck do you care? Go ahead-- -Okay, chill. Jeez.
Can we just get out of here?
Can we stop at the McDonald's on the way home?
-Yes. -All right.
Well, they're definitely fucking.
-You down? -Yeah, I'm down.
Bela, I really think you overreacted. Danny can't be sexist.
He only hires female assistants.
She's right. I told him my name and he said he'd just call me Ali Wong.
He's rude, and I'm glad Bela said something.
It'll be okay.
-Maybe we should just go. -I'll go get our coats.
Bela, right? The roast master herself.
Yeah. Now might not be the time.
I overheard what you said to Danny. And I want to thank you.
Danny Marawitz is and always has been a total shit.
He and I were tapped in the same year,
and his favorite "joke" was to call me gay.
And I am gay. So that sucked.
He made the Catullan a living hell for everyone on staff for four years.
But until tonight, I've never seen anyone go back at him.
I'd be happy to write a check to replace his donation.
He said he was donating 20 grand.
I'd be happy to write a check to replace half his donation.
Thank you so much.
Thanks.
Hey, Kimberly. We wanted to give this to you.
It's all of your fake tips and then a cut of everything else that we made.
-What? No, I can't take that. -We thought it was only fair.
He was reluctant at first, but I convinced him.
-It was definitely the other way around. -That's a lie. An impossible-to-prove lie.
-It's really nice of you guys, but-- -Oh, my God. Just take it.
It's, like, a real small percentage of what we made.
Very small.
We wouldn't have made anything without your help.
-Thanks. -You're welcome.
-Yes. Of course. -No, no.
-That's not how his works. -Help does not tip help.
Willow, you swear you won't tell anyone--
Whitney, I know this may be tough for you to believe,
given all the men's hoodies I wear, but I was closeted once.
-I can keep a secret. -Okay.
Now, go have gross straight sex with our coach,
and do not wake me up when you get back.
-Good night. -Hey. You're a good friend.
Drink water.
-Hey. -I'm so sorry I'm late.
I feel terrible. We had plans. And I just lost track of time.
It's all good.
Tonight I get to fall sleep next to you for the first time.
But don't fall asleep yet.
INSTAGRAM a new comment from Nico
nico-murray212 - That dress tho.
ESSEX COLLEGE