Tell the men I'm coming
Tell them count the days
Kimberly // 9:12 AM Slept with Nico.
(cell phone chirps)
(cell phone chiming)
Kimberly // 9:13 AM Don't call. Still in bed.
(cell phone chirps)
Bela // 9:13 AM I need to know everything!
Show him on FaceTime, I'll be quiet.
Kimberly // 9:13 AM No! We'll talk later!
(cell phone chirps)
Bela // 9:13 AM Nice?
(Nico) Was that your phone?
Um, no, it's an Amber Alert. It's nothing.
(yawning)
Good morning.
Hello.
I did not expect last night to happen.
Me neither.
But, like, you wanted it to happen, right?
I had your consent.
-Yes, you had my consent. -Okay.
That wasn't your first time. Was it?
Me? God, no! No, I've sexed a lot.
Was it yours?
I hoped you could tell it wasn't.
Totally, totally.
Hey, if it's cool, I think we shouldn't tell Leighton about this.
Oh, definitely not.
One time Bela made a comment on your hot bod, and Leighton
got so mad she snapped a pen in half.
Well, then, it's settled.
We won't mention last night...
or this morning.
This morning? I don't... Oh, yes. I'm a yes for this morning.
Giddy up!
I don't know why I said that.
Okay, tell us every single detail, leave out nothing.
I'm not going to kiss and tell. That's tacky.
You're right. Act it out with your food. He's a sausage or the Tater Tots?
All I'll share is this...
It is crazy how much better sex is with Nico, a guy I just met,
than with a guy I loved like, Max.
That's not crazy. One's hot
and one brought a lightsaber when he visited.
So you're really not gonna tell us anything?
His sex is amazing and I can't stop thinking about it.
-Oh! -(squealing) Yes! That's my girl.
Now describe his penis so I can draw it out like a sketch artist.
You really like him, don't you?
Yeah. I mean, he's nice and funny and smart,
and I don't know...
He like...
surprises me.
Who surprises you?
No one. Just this cute meteorologist on my local news channel back home.
Your meteorologist surprises you?
Yeah, like, with this tie choices.
Morning, besties! I need a favor.
So, you know how I didn't get into any of the a cappella groups
because they're all super jealous of me.
Well, hold on to your labes, because I started my own group,
and we are having our concert...
Tomorrow
Travis, I will never go to an a cappella show.
Well, you'll be at this one,
because you wouldn't want
your intersectionality to be called into question, would you?
Okay. I'll see you there.
(knock on door)
Hi. You have some old work-out jackets, right?
The Women's Center is volunteering at a horse rehab farm,
and I'm not about to have one of them nibble on my Gucci quarter zips.
So you wanna give them one of mine?
Sure, take the red one, it's in the closet.
Thank you.
What is this?
"Hey, babe."
Oh, that's like a team nickname. They just call me "babe" sometimes.
"You looked hot out there today. Love, Dalton"?
Isn't Dalton one of your coaches?
Leighton, I swear to God, you cannot tell anyone.
Okay? But I may have had an affair with my married assistant coach.
Okay.
Look, it was a mistake and it's in the past.
Okay, but I need you to give me your solemn word
that you're not going to say anything to anyone.
My "solemn word"?
Dude, well, I'm sure this is considered some juicy stuff where you're from...
I went to a New York prep school,
I've been making out with bartenders since I was like 14.
That's disturbing.
But, it does make me feel a little bit better.
I don't know. I've honestly been low-key
depressed about this for the past couple weeks.
Do you wanna hang out and talk about it?
I can bail on this Women's Center thing right now.
Oh, no, that's nice of you, but you don't have to do that.
Ah, it's too late. I already used you as an excuse.
I told them my BIPOC roommate was in crisis.
Okay.
Hey, can you think of something that rhymes with "Ansel Elgort's thick thighs"?
I don't think I can.
I'm so in my head about this final Catullan submission.
Not to be dramatic, but the six pieces I submit tomorrow
will determine the rest of my entire comedy career.
Bela, your packet is so funny.
I liked every single piece, even the ones I didn't understand.
(cell phone chimes)
Damn, you and Nico are texting non-stop.
Yeah, but I have to put my phone away and focus.
I have a six-hour shift at Sips and so much homework to catch up on.
For the rest of the day, I'm tuning him out
and I'm getting things done.
I'm sure you will.
(both moaning)
I'm sorry I'm late. I got locked out of my room.
(cell phone chimes)
And I forgot to lock it again.
I'll be back in 20 minutes.
The fuck?
(table rattling)
I have to help a friend with something.
I'll be back in 14 minutes.
(both panting)
My dorm is having an emergency.
I will be back in eight and a half minutes.
(objects clattering)
Oh, shit!
(Leighton) Are you kidding me?
When it comes to Chrises, it goes Pine, Hemsworth, Evans, and--
Hello?
Oh. Sorry.
Do you see that guy over there?
His name is Canaan. We kind of hooked up.
-Whitney, that guy is so hot. -Stop.
Okay, that is the kind of guy that you need to be going for.
Not some townie doofus who peaked in high school.
He works at Sips with Kimberly.
Kimberly works at Sips? I could have sworn she was a janitor.
Look, he's sitting down to eat.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go talk to him.
I don't know. I feel like I might need to take a beat
before jumping into someone new.
No, no, no. Okay, rookie mistake.
The best way to get over somebody is to whore out with someone hotter,
right away, like him.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hey.
Whitney. It's been a minute.
-Wanna sit? -Yeah.
(Canaan) Okay, but you will have to leave when my cooler friends get here.
(Whitney laughs)
I can only submit six pieces, so I need to pick the absolute best.
-(Milo) Uh-huh. -That's why I need your honest opinion.
Don't go easy on me.
(Milo) Uh-huh. Yup.
Hey, do you think we should take a break so you can give my packet your full focus?
Are you kidding me?
I want to do both at the same time.
You're so funny, it makes me so hard.
All right, get back down there. Do your thing.
Kimberly Edie Finkle late again.
I'm very sorry.
Wait. How do you know my middle name?
Payroll purposes. But don't change the subject.
All right. You are on thin ice, young lady.
Now, grab that mop.
Some of the theatre kids have been practicing spit takes
-and you're going to clean it up. -Okay.
So, um, why do you keep on being late?
I've kind of been like... with someone.
(squeals) I knew it was because you were fucking somebody.
(customer) Uh, sorry. Can I order?
Excuse me, we're gabbing here.
Is it who I think it is?
Is his dick made out of gold?
Yeah. It's Nico. And it's amazing,
but it's all I can think about.
And yesterday, I skipped all my classes
and I'm barely holding on to a "C" in Econ.
Econ with Professor Bennett?
-Yeah. -Just ask him for extra credit.
That's what I did last year. And my B-plus went to an A.
And I'm not just saying that to brag about my grades, although I'm quite bright.
Really? That would be so huge.
I'll ask him about it today.
Does anyone have an iPhone 4 charger?
-I'm sorry. -No.
Great job getting your submission in two minutes before the deadline, Jeff.
I'll be reading it last.
Hopefully, your take on Baby Yoda is still fresh when I get to it.
(scoffs) "Baby Yoda."
-That shit is so played out. -Totally.
I wrote a piece about Baby Shark though and it's pretty biting.
All right, everyone.
Final submissions are now closed.
If anyone's late, they're out of luck.
Thank you all for your hard work.
Eric, the board and I are really looking forward
to reading what you came up with.
And if we choose any new members, tonight is gonna be tap night.
We'll come find you in your rooms and whisk you away for hours of traditions
that you cannot share with anyone ever, including future spouses.
But again, we probably won't pick anyone.
We'll probably pick between two and four people.
Evangeline, could you not?
I will now take the submissions and hold on to them
until the board can reconvene to review them.
But straight off the bat, I see some
insane and embarrassing font choices, so way to go.
Hey, if we get picked, can we finally see the upstairs rooms?
Want me to sneak you up right now?
Oh, shit. Yes.
Wait. You don't think we'll get in trouble?
No one's coming back till 8:00.
Come on, let's go.
(cell phone chimes)
Whitney 1:54 PM I'm seeing Canaan tonight.
(woman) I feel like it's a compliment to get catfished.
It means he must really like you.
I just don't understand how you got catfished by your cousin again.
Yeah. He just writes such beautiful sonnets.
Ginger, we've talked about this.
You need to set boundaries with Randy, your cousin.
(Tova) Sorry I'm late.
You okay, Tova?
It's over between me and Beth.
What? What happened?
You two were such a cute couple.
We were supposed to go over to her house for Thanksgiving,
and while her parents were cool with her being a lesbian,
she thought that I might be too much for them.
What? What would be too much?
I guess they've never met someone who's non-binary,
so Beth wanted me to femme it up.
Ugh. Fuck that.
Hey, you might quickly wanna let us know what side you're on.
Tova's obviously.
Look, when I first had to come here, I'll be real with you,
I kind of thought you all sucked. Not for any identity reasons,
-just personalities, you know? -Mmm-hmm.
But then I got to know you and, Tova,
I think you're pretty great.
You are almost too cool to be here,
but yet you still come here, which kind of makes you cooler,
so this is Beth's loss.
Thank you, Leighton.
Uh, Leighton, quick question.
You pointed at me when you were talking about personalities?
No, no. No, I didn't, it just looked that way.
Oh! Okay, great.
I would be happy to offer extra credit for helping me with my research.
It's actually pretty exciting stuff.
Here. Take a look.
Oh, I love all this data! So many columns with information in them.
Yeah.
This looks so cool.
Okay, well, basically, I just need help
with data calculations using the blue binder's raw data,
the formulas in the green one.
The blue one, the green one.
Totally get it.
Well, I have a meeting for the next few hours,
but when I get back, I'll tell you how my data forecast changes
in the oat milk industry over the next decade.
-If you'd like that. -Sir, I would love that.
(both chuckle)
Have fun with that data.
What the fuck am I looking at?
(cell phone chimes)
Nico 2:17 PM Hey, where are you?
Whoa. Cool portrait. Is that, uh, Rob Schneider?
Are you kidding me? That's Sid Caesar. He basically created TV comedy.
Nice.
I'm surprised you know that.
Holy shit, is that a real cue card from SNL?
Jude Law hosted that one.
I can name the host and musical guest pairing
of every episode of SNL since the year 2000.
Okay, prove it.
Musical guest Korn.
Eva Longoria hosted.
Ludacris.
You trying to trick me? Ludacris, he hosted and he was a musical guest.
Okay.
Who was the musical guest when The Rock hosted?
My boy Dwayne AKA Maui the Demigod AKA The Tooth Fairy
has hosted five times, with musical guests George Ezra,
Ray LaMontagne, Andrew W.K., AC/DC, and Katy Perry.
(smacks lips)
I can do a good Stewie voice.
If you want to hear it.
I think I'm gonna head out. Uh... Thanks for bringing us up here.
Yup.
Yo, everyone, this is Whitney.
Baby Senator, welcome back.
The last time she was here, she stood in the corner so long
I thought she was her mother's Secret Service.
That's Jayla, who apparently woke up this morning and chose violence.
Can your mom introduce me to Travis Scott?
Honestly, yeah, she probably could.
-Sick. -Can I get you a drink?
-Yes, please. -Okay.
-Let's see what they left for us. -Okay.
Oh, this is wild.
Is this Canaan with a girl in broad daylight?
Yeah, you should know, this guy never introduces us to girls.
He just sneaks them into his room at night like some kind of sex Batman.
Really?
You're a sex Batman.
-No, that's not true. -(Darius) It is though.
What the fuck?
Who's playing a slow jam?
I thought this was a turn-up, not a wind down!
Yo, Nate, what's up with the music?
Are you staying for dinner?
Because we're doing a nacho bar, and I don't mean to brag,
but we go pretty hard with the toppings station.
No, I actually have to leave in a bit to go to an a cappella show.
(laughs)
Oh, wait. Are you serious?
Yeah, no one should ever have to go to an a cappella show.
(Jayla) Unless you, like, love a cappella.
(Whitney) Okay.
I can tell I misrepresented myself this morning.
And while I am somewhat okay with being known as the girl with the senator mom,
I am not okay with being known as a girl who likes a cappella.
I am going against my will.
(Bela) Holy shit! This autograph wall is insane!
Oh, my God. Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Are you kidding me?
I love this place so much.
Well, by midnight tonight, you'll know if you're in or not.
(sighs) Don't remind me.
Look, the deliberations can get crazy, but I'll just tell you...
I'm gonna vote for you.
I'm not sure Eric likes me enough.
Eric doesn't like anyone.
I'm his roommate and best friend,
and he regularly calls me a "talentless hack."
You are, though, right?
-Oh! -(both chuckle)
Don't worry about Eric.
I'll convince him you're worth a shot.
Holy shit, is that Elaine Stritch?
She's the greatest of all time.
When did she come here? Was it during her--
Hey, um, I don't...
-It's okay. Everybody's gone. -(unzips)
No, I don't want to do whatever this is.
Seriously?
Yeah. I just-- Are we cool?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess.
-Yeah. -Okay.
Great. Cool.
Well, I'll see ya. Thanks.
Thanks for the wall and stuff.
Are you sure about this?
Yeah, he said he'd be gone for hours.
-Fuck, this is hot. -Yes.
(door opening)
Oh, my God!
Kimberly.
Sir, this is my fault, and I take full responsibility.
If you want to report anyone, report me.
Chad Mickland.
Wait, is Nico a nickname?
(gasps) Oh...
Professor Bennett,
I realize this was a horrible lapse in judgment,
but I'm having a really hard time in your class,
and I'm so far behind, so if you please could just give me one more chance.
You've had plenty of chances.
You've arrived late to class. You've missed assignments.
Now you made love on my desk.
We were only kissing, he never took it out.
-Tell him. -I don't think that's going to help.
But it's true, it wasn't out yet.
It does not help.
Get out of here.
Oh, okay, I'm going.
I would still love to hear your thoughts on oat milk futures, though.
Then you can listen to my Ted Talk.
Got it.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going with you-know-who?
Actually, I kind of wanted to talk to you about that.
I think I might be a sex addict.
I promise you you are not.
We had sex six times today.
Okay. That's a lot.
And it was almost seven, but then a professor walked in on us.
I'm sorry. What?
Everything I see makes me think of having sex with him.
Like, have you noticed how phallic the lamp posts on this campus are?
I have not.
Okay. I'm here.
Can we take a quick photo for proof and then we can leave?
I was thinking we would cheer really loud in the first song
and then just scurry out.
-I can do that. -Yeah.
(Bela) Hey, guys.
Hey, did you turn in your submission?
Yeah, it's in.
Is everything okay? You don't seem excited.
I don't know. I'm just... I'm pretty sure I'm not getting in.
You're probably just being tough on yourself.
No, but it's fine.
Maybe it's even for the best.
Hello, everyone.
We are the AcaFellas. And we are ready to rock you.
Though to be clear, we only do pop covers. A three, four...
(all vocalizing)
Havana, oh, na-na
Half of my heart is in Havana Oh, na-na
(whooping and cheering)
-Yeah. -Yes.
Oh, na-na
Okay. He saw us, now we can leave.
None of you ever let me do anything this embarrassing.
...somethin' 'bout his manners Havana
He didn't walk up With the "how you doin'?"
Okay. Whitney is meeting up with Canaan again tonight.
God, I love this.
I'm sorry. Are you invested in the happiness of someone else?
I do not know how to process this information.
She's kind of cool.
And of the three of my roommates, she's definitely the most normal.
And it turns out, I am pretty good at giving dating advice.
You are, for someone who introduced me as a business acquaintance to a cashier.
Okay, look, I'm not a showy person.
I don't need to put on a rainbow bathing suit
and run down the street screaming, "I have a girlfriend!"
Oh, you have a girlfriend?
Yeah.
What? No. I mean, I don't know.
Do I?
Yeah.
You do.
Come here.
Going so fast, every doubt we had
Is coming undone
Falling behind With everything we left there
Oh, shit.
Baby Senator's back y'all.
Uh-uh. We're going to have to work on that nickname, loud girl.
Loud girl?
Excuse me?
You know, actually, I love that I am loud.
You are loud.
Glad you came back.
Of course I did.
I spent the last two hours thinking about one thing.
Ditching Canaan for me?
What? No!
Nachos.
Darius, no one would pick you over Canaan. That's insane.
(exhales)
(banging on door)
(all) Bela, Bela, Bela, Bela!
Bela Malhotra, you've been tapped by the Catullan. Do you accept?
Yes! Yes, I do!
Oh, my God. You so deserve this. Your packet was amazing.
I was dying reading your stuff.
You are an absolute genius!
I'm so proud of you!
Yes! (grunts)
Hey, let's not have sex tonight.
Okay. I was gonna say the same thing.
-Really? -No.
It's all good.
Okay, other options, we can watch TV.
-TV sounds good. -Okay.
I can't stay late, though.
I have to study since I public-sexed my way out of an Econ credit.
Ah.
If you need help with that Econ grade, I can help.
Theta keeps copies of mid-terms and finals
that lazy professors recycle year after year.
So if you want to know what's on Bennett's test,
it's right here.
You can borrow it if you want.
No, no, I can't do that.
Cheating is sort of the antithesis of everything I believe in.
All right. Whatever you want.
What I want is to go back to your room, please.
There's this new documentary on factory farming
I really want to watch.
Wow! First no sex and now a farming doc.
This night just keeps getting hotter and hotter.
Ugh! One glass away from getting Asian flush.
-You haven't had any yet. -Exactly.
-(chuckles) -(cell phone vibrates)
Um, girlfriend,
should I ask why a girl named Maya is calling you at 1:00 a.m.?
Oh, my God, chill. She's just a friend.
She's actually coming to visit in town this weekend.
To visit your vagina?
Maya is not a threat to you, okay?
She's my brother Nico's girlfriend.