There's just something about a man covered in paint.
-Mmm. -Dude, are you studying at a tailgate?
Yeah, but only because I'm failing Econ.
Maybe you'd be doing better if you didn't spend
-so much time railing Leighton's brother. -Okay.
Bela! You just spilled beer all over my textbook!
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
And Nico's bed doesn't squeak like that.
It thuds. Like bam, bam bam...
Hello, ladies.
-Hi, Leighton. -Hi, Leighton.
Wait. Why did you stop talking when I showed up?
Is it my glasses?
I know they're ugly, but my fucking mom forgot to send my contacts.
No, it's just surprising that you came.
Well, I'm not really jazzed to watch soccer,
but I did want to come and support Whitney.
You like Whitney?
Yes, I like Whitney. She's our roommate.
Do you like me?
I guess. Stop asking me if I like people. Everyone's fine.
Anyway, I can't stay long.
I have to plan a surprise party for my brother's birthday.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know Nico's birthday was coming up. That's so cool.
Yeah. I always plan his party,
and I have some really good surprises in store this time.
It'd be really great for me
if I could get the Catullan writers in for an exclusive event.
Yeah, I'm sure my brother would love to have eight nerdy writers hanging around.
No, plus-ones.
But we are invited.
- Sure. - Yes!
Great, they're pulling in.
Oh, my God. It's Whitney! Hey, girl!
Whitney!
You came?
Of course we came. We love you!
Also, we ran out of mixers. Can we have some of your team's Gatorade?
No!
-No worries, we'll see you inside! -Whoo!
Go, Whitney!
And the score is tied 2-2 as we enter overtime.
-Es... -...sex!
Let's go!
Hey, do either of you ever get this thing
where you feel like you have to pee but nothing comes out?
Bitch, you have a UTI!
Oh, my God, no.
Did you forget to pee after sex?
Are you supposed to do that?
Someone didn't read the vagina's manual.
Wait, are you having sex with someone? Who?
Me, Kimberly Finkle, having casual sex? That's a laugh.
There are a lot of other ways to get a UTI.
You probably sat on a wet library chair for too long.
Right. That's probably it.
Anyway, these cold bleachers are really helping numb the area.
Just a reminder, my friend Maya's visiting this week,
so if we could talk less about infected genitals.
No promises.
Something's happening!
Run, bitch! Run!
Get the goal!
Go, Whitney, go, Whitney, go!
Don't take her hand, Whitney. Slap her in the fucking mouth!
Yellow card number 12. Penalty kick for Essex.
Hey, no pressure,
but if you make this shot, we go to the NCAA tournament.
Make the damn shot.
You got this.
-Yes. -Yeah.
All right, here we go.
Ready?
Await my fire but no one sees.
Let's dream of something away from here
You got this, Whitney!
-Yeah! -Yeah!
The Golden Goal scored
by number 21 Whitney Chase. Essex wins!
... stop until it's gone
... our eye on the horizon
It is 11:00 a.m.
That is 100 community service hours. I am out of here.
We knew you'd be excited, so Ginger made you cupcakes!
They're allergen-free, but full of love and carob chips.
Thank you.
Do you wanna stay for the rest of today's meeting?
Not at all, actually, but thank you.
Alicia, Ginger, Tova, I will cherish all of the lessons you have taught me.
And to the rest of you... I think one of you is named Rebecca.
Oh, both of you.
Don't forget your cupcakes.
You know what, Ginger, I'll take one.
I'm free, bitches!
Whoo!
Wow!
One small step for a South Asian woman, one giant leap...
New writer alert!
Carla? What are you doing here? Did you get tapped too?
Yeah, I worked really flippin' hard on my submission.
I guess they really flippin' liked it.
Well, cool.
So fun that you're here.
Ladies first.
Holy crap!
This is incredible!
Check it out.
This is gonna be me and you one day, best friends and co-editors.
-I'm gonna take a seat. -Me too.
All right. Come on, guys. Let's get started.
First off, congratulations to our new Catullan writers.
I'm sure we're witnessing the start of some very successful comedy careers.
Until you have kids and turn into complacent hacks.
It's a tradition for new writers to submit a piece on their first day.
And in an age-old practice dating back to... 2013,
the best piece will be featured on our Instagram.
Pieces are due at midnight.
Maybe it'd be cool if we wrote something together.
I'm sure that's not allowed.
Evangeline, Bela and I wanna co-write a piece. Is that cool?
We don't have to. Really, it's--
Sure. Bela and Carla will be writing one together. You can work in groups.
Shaweet! Very nice. My wife. Have you seen Borat?
-Obviously. -I'm sure it's so good.
Never thought that I could take these steps
But I kept the focus on myself
Your first UTI. I remember mine well.
I had just conned my way into a birthright trip into Israel.
Thanks, Lila, but I'm trying to ignore it.
A UTI is a rite of passage. You gotta wear it like a crown.
Right.
An uncomfortable scratchy crown that you can't wait to take off.
Hey, guys, I seriously have no idea
what to get Nico for his birthday, and I'm stressing.
Well, I think it's pretty obvious. You gotta get him a sexy gift.
Oh, like silky boxers?
No. But something erotic. Like a cock ring.
-A what? -She's wrong.
Get Nico something nice, but slightly impersonal,
so he doesn't think you're trying too hard.
Maybe a nice journal?
A journal? Hot guys don't journal.
They just let their thoughts fade away. It's what makes them hot.
I just wanna get him something small and meaningful,
but something I know he'll like.
As long as you pair it with a nasty handwritten card, something like,
"Happy birthday, Nico. I love that thick dick. Regards, Kimberly."
Boom. You're welcome. Shakespeare.
Hey! So you going to this party tomorrow too?
Yeah. Are you?
Nah. I already have plans.
Hanging out with Darius for a bit and then meeting up with you
-when you leave the party early. -Oh! Hmm.
-Sound good? -I might be available for that.
Cool.
So, you guys are gonna work or...
-I am. -I'm sick. I have a UTI.
Well, good luck with that.
-Thank you. -Poor baby girl. Drink up.
Hey, you wanted to see me?
Yeah. Come on in.
Let me guess.
After the other night, companies are reaching out about endorsing me?
I'll hold out for Adidas.
Well, it has come to my attention that Coach Dalton has been having
an inappropriate sexual relationship with a player.
What?
That's crazy and gross.
Well, I have to ask. I mean, do you know anything about this or...
Me? No. I can't even imagine it.
Dalton's so old, he's still on Facebook.
Okay, well, if you hear anything, let me know.
Obviously, we have to take this very seriously.
Of course.
I'll think on it and let you know if anything comes to mind.
I assume you already talked to Becky?
I'm not implying anything, but I did see them share a PowerBar once.
You are not the first person to mention that.
All right. Well, that's very helpful. Thank you.
You can go.
Oh, all right.
Remember to call me when you're
Hi, you've reached Dalton. Please leave a message and I'll call you back.
Shit.
...go on and speak your truth...
Oh, my God. I just thought about what our piece should be.
Cool. What is it?
What if we write a piece about what TV characters say when they orgasm?
I don't think we want people to picture Fred Flintstone getting off.
Right. It's cringey. I'll think of something else.
No rush. Sometimes the best ideas take a while to find.
You know you're like the only person at the Catullan who's nice to me.
I'm sure that'll change with time.
Eric's not that bad.
Eric? The only time I've seen Eric smile was when I tripped on a cord.
Well, he's better than Ryan.
Hey, I have an idea for a piece.
What about a Tinder profile for the John Essex statue?
Ryan showed me his dick...
in a bad way.
Are you serious?
He called me into his office to talk about piece formatting,
and then he took it out.
And it's all I can think about whenever I'm at the Catullan.
-Are you gonna tell anyone? -I don't know.
Everybody already thinks I'm so weird.
Has he ever done anything like that to you?
Ryan?
No. Not at all.
Yeah.
Forget I said anything.
Let's write your funny idea.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
This is for my brother's 21st birthday.
I will need a crepe station option that is both sweet and savory.
But in my head, in my head
Well, then I will await your manager's call at this number.
Oh.
You serving me some rich mommy party planner.
I'm very into that.
Hey, what is with your neighbor with the red hair?
She was staring at me while I was waiting at the door.
Oh, she's my best friend. I'm kidding.
I don't talk to my neighbors. Do you think I'm insane?
Dude, planning a party in Vermont is challenging.
No one has taste.
Yeah. About that, am I, like, invited to this or...
I figured you wouldn't wanna go.
And don't you think you coming as my plus-one
would be like this whole thing?
There it is.
What?
You don't want me there because you're worried people will figure you out.
Hey, it is a birthday party for my brother who you have met, like, once.
Okay, can we please not make this into a bigger thing than it has to be?
It's not about the party.
I just want to know that you and me can exist outside of this one room.
-We can. -Okay.
Cool. Well, this got weird.
I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna text you later, okay?
Sure.
You say you can't hold anything back, it's a habit
You say what's on your mind, hmm
Whatever's on your mind, hmm
Willow, I am freaking out.
Yeah, I would be too. This shit is crazy. Have you talked to Dalton?
No, he's not answering any of my calls or texts.
Both on my phone or on this burner I just bought.
You bought a burner? Whitney, what the fuck?
You're going full-blown Homeland.
What was I supposed to do?
I can't have this come out.
"Black senator's daughter has inappropriate relationship with coach."
That gets aired on Fox News.
Okay, you're not wrong.
Like, I would watch that. But I think you can chill.
I talked to Coach Woods and she thinks Dalton was sleeping with Jena.
Jena? Why would she think that?
Because I told her I thought it was Jena. She didn't mention you once.
Did you find out where this is coming from?
Apparently, Dalton's wife called her when she found a box of condoms in his car.
And a Google search on his iPad
that said, "Is it illegal for a coach to sleep with a player?"
God, he's such a fucking idiot.
Well, you weren't fucking him for his amazing brain.
But you just need to lay low, and this will blow over.
There's nothing pointing to you.
Wow, thank you so much for helping me with my chemistry homework!
I understand covalent bonds now.
-Relax. She already knows. -Oh.
The head coach found out Dalton was sleeping with someone on the team.
Shit. Do they know it's you?
No, you're the only two people who do
and I trust you both/will murder you if you say anything.
Okay, but having witnessed some white-collar crime over the years,
if I were you, I'd reset my phone to factory settings and wipe my hard drive.
She doesn't need to do that.
-I already did both. -Smart girl.
So you rich people are just naturally good at covering shit up, aren't you?
-Yes. -Yeah.
Got a little bit of sunshine
I'm not always such a downer doll
Kinda landed in a goldmine
Ever since I had the good times roll
How's the studying going?
Good. Productive. I like it.
Have you... earned a break?
I want you on top... 'cause my arms are kinda wrecked right now.
Okay.
But can I ask you something first?
What's up?
You play guitar.
Hypothetically speaking, would a gift card to, like, a guitar website
be a birthday gift you'd be excited about?
You don't have to get me a gift.
Are you kidding?
Gift-giving is in the Finkle DNA.
Did you not see my mom slinging around purse hooks at Parents Weekend?
Your mom's cute, but seriously, you don't have to give me a gift.
Okay, let's do it, but let's be quick,
'cause I have a lot of work I have to catch up on.
Hey, Siri, set me a timer for 45 seconds.
I'm not
'cause I've soul
Where you go lie, why not just soar?
And for a while, I'm on a roll
Well, I'm loving those eyes, that's all I know
Are you just now getting home?
Wait, is this a walk of shame?
So you are sleeping with someone?
I mean, is it a walk of shame if I stayed up all night in the library
hooking up with my textbook? Like...
We are so different.
Are you excited for the party tonight?
I'm so excited, I bought a new outfit for it,
and these footpad things that make fancy shoes more comfy.
Okay, I'm gonna grab my towel to shower to wake myself up.
Okay. Oh, when you go in the bathroom,
my friend Maya is in there, the one who's visiting.
Oh, fun. My friend Kelsey from home wants to visit at some point.
She's, like, really into anime.
I look forward to discussing that with her.
-So what was your idea? -So basically there is...
Okay, everyone, I have two announcements.
The first is for everybody.
-Jeff, use spell check. -Okay.
Secondly, Carla has decided to quit.
-What? -Yeah.
Wait, why would she quit?
Who knows? Unlike every other conversation
I've ever had with her, she didn't go into detail.
Anyway, now's the moment you've all been waiting for.
The announcement of which new writer's piece will be featured on our Instagram.
Which is an account followed by multiple Emmy-nominated writers.
And the winner is...
the John Essex Statue's Tinder Profile written by Bela Malhotra.
Thank you.
But I actually co-wrote that piece with Carla.
She said in her email it was mostly you, so, enjoy that sole credit.
All right, we're done here. Good job, guys.
All right.
Congrats.
Bela, oh, my gosh. So proud of you.
Hey, nice work.
Holy hell! Are you Maya?
You're gorgeous.
I'm Kimberly. I'm one of Leighton's roommates.
Nice to meet you, Kimberly.
Seriously, you smell like a fancy spa.
Sorry to double compliment.
I didn't sleep much last night, and my brain isn't fully working yet.
Ooh, sounds like you had a fun night. Get it, girl.
I did get it, and then some. I have a hickey on my boob.
My boyfriend gave me one of those when we first started dating.
What's with these guys?
Right? Hey, I need to go help Leighton
set up for this party, but I'll see you there?
Totally.
Yeah, let me see you go to town, yeah
Go down, go down, go down
Yeah, yeah
Baby, why don't we go to town?
Yeah
Let me see you go to town, baby
Go to town, yeah
Baby, let me watch you go to town
If you want a chance, baby...
Yeah, yeah
Go down, go down, go down
Yeah, let me see you go to town
Go down, go down, go down
Yeah, let me see you go to town
Go down, go down, go down
Yeah, let me see you go to town
Bela - 8:52 PM
Hey Carla. There's something I want to talk to you about.
Go to town with it and she shaved it all off
Charlie Brown with it
Looking all around all the other girl sound fishy
Hey, are you ready to black out with your rack out or whatever it is
-you're always saying to us? -Yeah, let's do it.
Let's crunk out with our junk out.
Yeah!
I'm wearing underwear that's so sexy, it's insane.
Also, it kind of hurts.
Come on now
Let's go, come spread the...
...baby I need you
Those are a lot of gifts.
The only thing my friends got me for my last birthday was a Chipotle gift card.
Holy shit. Did someone buy him a snowboard?
I got him sour candy, because I know he likes sour candy.
That's really sweet.
I need a drink, stat.
Hell, yes. Let's get shots.
I need to start with a glass of water.
I have to take my UTI medicine and the pill is so huge.
Hey, they just pulled up.
Everyone, quiet. He's here.
Okay, everyone, shut up. Be quiet.
Come on, he's coming. Shh!
Are we almost there? This blindfold does not smell good.
- Surprise! - Oh, shit!
This is amazing!
Leighton, this is so cool of you.
-Happy birthday, bro. -Oh, man.
And I have one more surprise for you.
Surprise, babe!
Maya? You're here.
I flew in from Barcelona for you. Happy birthday.
Ooh!
-Kimberly, hey. -Did you guys know?
Oh, my God. No. I would have told you.
I didn't know either. I'm so sorry.
Kimberly, can we talk for a minute?
Dude, I cannot believe you.
I'm Bela, by the way. We've met a few times.
I enjoy your parties and hope to keep coming to them.
But on a personal level, I think you suck.
Yeah. You're a prep school douchebag
who thinks he can get away with anything he wants.
Can I talk to Kimberly alone for a minute?
It's okay. You guys go back inside.
We're watching you, bro.
Sleazeball. Thanks again for the invite.
Sleazeball!
-I can explain. -Nico, this is so fucked up.
-Don't be like that. -Don't be like what?
Heartbroken that the first guy I met in college has a secret girlfriend.
Maya has been studying abroad.
She wasn't even supposed to be back until January.
So you were going to tell me, you were just going to wait several more months.
-Cool. -Look, it got out of hand.
I don't know what to say.
Well, I do. Fuck you.
I wasted two months on you.
My grades are in the fucking trash.
And I have a UTI and it's fucking burning down there right now.
Okay, I'm done.
And now I'm about to cry, too. Fuck!
Kimberly, please.
Are you sure you want to be here right now?
Definitely. I want to stay here and ruin his night
and make him think that I might say something to his actual girlfriend.
Damn, girl.
Okay, actually, on second thought, I think I'm gonna go.
But I don't want to make this some big dramatic exit.
So, please, the two of you stay.
What the fuck?
Do you think my boobs have gotten bigger since the beginning of college?
They feel bigger.
Hey, Whit. Hey, can I talk to you for a sec, in private?
Would you mind getting us drinks?
Gladly.
Dude, there's trouble.
Apparently, our bus driver told Coach Woods
they saw Dalton kissing a player.
Okay.
A Black player. And we're the only two Black girls on the team.
Fuck!
I think you need to talk to Coach, like, now.
Just come clean and hope for the best.
Okay. Yeah, I got to go do this.
Carla - 10:15 PM
Gonna miss hanging with you, but hope you have fun!
You've to live like this...
One sec.
Dude, you okay?
Yeah. Why do you ask?
Because you're staring at your phone like a psycho.
Leighton, I think I fucked up and I don't know how to fix it.
Can I interest you ladies in some shots?
Dude, fuck off.
What happened?
You know that guy Ryan who showed me porn?
He kinda got me alone the other day
and then pushed his dick up against my back.
Oh, my God.
I laughed and brushed it off,
but then I found out that he did it to this other girl, too.
And when she told me about it, I lied to her and stayed quiet.
And I think I silenced her.
It's okay, okay?
Did you just hug me?
I already regret doing that.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
You got another thing going thinking it's gonna be easy
We are so high
Where is down?
Hi. Are you...
Her wife? Yes, I am.
Gert, you got a visitor.
Coach, I promise you, it is totally over.
We ended things weeks ago.
So, if there's any way we could just forget about this...
-Whitney-- -Coach, please.
My mom is a public figure, and if this gets out...
My stories don't go away the way other people's do.
Chase, I already gave my statement.
All right?
I told them I couldn't give a name.
It's none of their business.
You're 18.
You don't need this following you around for the rest of your life.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Canaan, we're leaving. Are you coming with or not?
Yeah, let's go.
You really gotta cut down on your screen time though,
'cause you're literally always on that thing, which is kinda sick.
-Hey. -Thank you for coming.
Yeah, of course.
Hey, guys, my name is Alicia, and I know that this is very scary,
but you're totally safe here.
No matter what you say, I'm your ally, okay?
I'm your ally.
So they say...
They say your name
... it's a shame
The hail turned to rain
Ain't coming down
And as far as we go...
Hey, Whit.
All right, ladies. Gather up.
I'm Coach Hansen, the women's ice hockey coach.
Now, I can't go into details,
but Coach Woods and Coach Dalton have been dismissed.
-What? -I'll be leading you through
the rest of the tournament.
Now can someone explain to me how off-sides works in soccer?
Anyone?
Her heart is beating
Through her chest
Hesitate to pull the trigger she wants to
Like a bullet
Through the shadows
Contemplating the sense of what's right or wrong
She never got to tell you that
And said she was in chains
She never acted like it's all in vain
And everybody else is only playing by the rules
She always wanted to keep the cool
She is burning
Through the shame
She's dying
Through the shadow
Through the shadow.