Okay. Who ate my last apple sauce?
You did. I saw you eating it with your hands the last time you were drunk.
Oh, good to know.
Hey, ladies. Have you guys read the paper today?
-Our school paper? -I have never looked at it once.
Look.
Whitney, apparently your soccer coach had an affair with a player and was fired.
(Bela) Dude, are you serious?
Yeah, I've heard about it, but the details are pretty vague.
Whoa! This is juicy.
This is like Red Table Talk level juice.
Wait. Is this coach hot? Is the girl hot?
Did they get caught having steamy sex in the showers?
(scoffs) We want every lurid detail.
It's...
me.
-What? -Seriously?
Well, it was me.
But we ended things a while ago. And you can't say anything to anyone.
If my mom finds out, she will kill us all.
I'm not even sure if I'm exaggerating.
Yeah, okay. Of course. Whatever you need.
-Thanks. -Whitney, you might want to read this.
You know what? I don't.
It says he did this with another girl when he worked at Ithaca.
What the fuck?
It doesn't matter. It's done, so it doesn't change anything.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Dalton - Whitney There was another fucking girl?
(sighs softly)
(opening theme music playing)
(Jocelyn) So you're going to the Title IX office?
Yeah. Alicia said I should go learn about all my options.
Figure out the best way to handle a gross dude with a weirdly-shaped dick.
Weirdly-shaped how?
I mean, I only felt it against my back,
but it felt like a can of soup, but squishier.
You may not need to mention his dick shape.
I think it's best to lay it all on the table.
Ladies, I will see you all on the other side.
Good luck, Bela. Yes, all women.
So what about you, Ms. Thing? How you doing since Nico's?
I'm hanging in there.
Oh, shit. Have you not talked about this?
-Should I go? -No, no, no, no.
-Let's talk about it. -Totally. Let's do it. I'll start.
I know that I sort of kept it from you, and that wasn't cool.
In the future, I'll be more honest.
In that spirit, my UTI was not from a wet library chair.
It was from repetitive sex with your brother.
Okay. That's haunting.
And yes, it kind of sucked to figure out
that everybody was keeping this big secret behind my back.
-I should have told you. -Yes. Yes, you should have.
Because I would have told you not to sleep with him
because I would have told you he has a girlfriend.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Leighton, your brother looks good, but that boy wasn't raised right.
Why are you telling me? I'm not him.
But at least you got to hook up with a guy who's way out of your league.
-Hey. -Listen. I don't take sides.
I just tell the truth.
(Ricki) His penis felt like a can of soup?
Yeah. I only mentioned it in case I need to identify his penis,
like, in a police lineup situation.
Right. I will note that.
So now what? Do you tell Ryan, or--
When exactly do you tell my strict Indian parents?
I need to warn them and possibly flee the country.
Or do you provide any sort of sexual witness protection program?
If that's an option, I'd like to hear about that.
There's no need to get ahead of yourselves here.
Like, this is our first talk.
The next step would be to submit a written statement,
and based on that, my colleagues and I would decide,
if we need to intervene to protect the larger community.
Otherwise, it's your choice if we move forward with an investigation.
At this time, my recommendation would be
for you to do everything you can to avoid Ryan,
which means taking a break from the Catullan.
Uh, No. Ricki, do you know how far behind you can fall in comradery building
if you miss two or three days?
I was actually gonna suggest a few weeks.
A few weeks?
Okay, Ricki, it's official.
You do not know how comedy works.
And I'm fine with that.
And that's why I was late all the time and slacking off
and just, like, ruining every other aspect of my life.
And little did I know I was getting two-timed by that mother-effer.
-Go off, girl. -Yeah.
And when you do, can you do it near the milk frother?
Because I've asked you to clean it repeatedly.
I will. I'm sorry.
I just get so angry when I talk about Nico. I could just--
(grunts)
Damn. I've never seen you like this.
It's kind of cute.
Like with Nemo gets mad at his dad.
He just made me feel like such an idiot.
Yeah. Well, for what it's worth, I see you with more of a sweet boy.
You know, someone named Eugene or Glenn.
The type of guy who likes to play board games,
wears New Balances or cargo shorts.
-You're describing nerds. -Yes. Yes, I am.
I think you should date a nerd. I'm glad you picked up on that.
Oh, getting ready for tomorrow's Econ midterm?
-What is this, the practice test? -Wait. Please don't.
Oh, shit.
This is the test.
Are you gonna use this?
I am. But only 'cause I have to.
It's my only way to stay on track.
Otherwise, my whole life plan is gonna be thrown off
because I have a D on my transcript.
Yeah, but, like, you're gonna get caught.
You're not smooth enough to cheat.
I most certainly am.
No. Lies. You're not.
The test is, like, three hours long.
Even if you had a basic understanding of Econ, which you don't,
it's hard as hell to memorize all that.
Well, that's why I have a little plan.
A little plan?
What are you gonna-- You know what? No, don't tell me.
Just please don't cheat. You are not equipped to pull that off.
-I am. -You're sweating just talking about it.
That's not sweat.
-I don't know what that is. -Okay.
What's up?
"What's up?" Are you serious?
You hooked up with my roommate and made me look like an idiot.
That's what's up.
Okay, can you keep your voice down? Maya's upstairs.
Oh, my God. You are so gross.
Okay, I get it. You're mad.
But what did you want me to do? Text you and say,
"Hey, Leight, is it cool if I bone your roommate real quick?"
Yeah, well, I didn't think I had to tell you
not to fuck any of my roommates, but now I will make it official.
Do not have sex with any of my roommates.
She's really upset, by the way.
Okay. She's not used to guys like you.
You should have seen the boy who came to visit her.
-He looked like a goat. -What you want me to do about it?
Oh, I don't know. Try not being such a total D-bag
and make things right with Kimberly.
-Okay, I will. -Today.
-Fine. -Like, in person.
-Great. -Good.
Nico? Are you downstairs?
Yeah. I'm just dealing with something. I'll be right up.
You are one of the grossest men I am related to.
Worse than weird Uncle Mark.
Apologize today, Nico.
We get the opportunity to just show up everything that we trained in,
everything that we've done before this.
We can do it. We can do it again. We can adapt on our feet.
We're a good team that knows what to do. It's just--
Look.
(silence)
Hey, can I talk to everyone for a sec?
I take full responsibility for what happened.
I basically did the dumbest thing of my entire life.
I messed up.
Both of our coaches got fired
and now we're in a tournament with no leader,
and it's probably gonna cost us everything we've worked so hard for.
And I can't fix that.
But I hope you can forgive me.
It's not your fault.
No, it really is.
Unless someone else was also sleeping with him,
which I guess is possible.
Dalton is clearly the problem here.
He's older and he was your coach.
It's just fucking nasty and wrong.
And let's be real. That man was low-key very dumb.
Yes.
And he always had a pee spot on his pants after he went to the bathroom.
(all) Eww!
It's so true.
Now can we go practice, please?
(all) Yeah!
Fuck it.
(indistinct chatter)
-Neither of us got the job. -(Eric) Neither of you got the job?
Neither of us got the job after all of that.
-(Evangeline) Of course. -(Eric) Nobody gets it?
...bout to flex and bust out of this suit?
(Evangeline) I mean, yeah, I know. Like hulking out of the suit.
(Bela) Yeah. I don't know what to do.
I can't let Ryan get away with all this,
but I don't think I wanna Title IX his ass either.
Why not? He deserves absolutely everything that's coming for him.
Yeah, but what if I don't want to deal with this?
I'll get examined and picked apart, too.
Yeah. She's right. Reporting it might not be a good idea.
-Thank you. -Really?
-Seriously? -Hey, I don't like it, all right?
I'm just saying Bela has a point.
Sometimes bad shit happens to women who report stuff.
Nah-uh. Don't listen to her, okay?
This guy sneak-attacked you with his dick.
He needs to pay. I say you Title IX his bitch ass.
Hold on. Maybe as a first step, you could go to another upperclassman
at the Catullan and ask them what they think.
Literally all those options sound so stressful.
Well, do you wanna squeeze my stress ball?
I've been squeezing it a lot, so it's pretty flat.
Hey. It's late.
Yeah. It's just there's so much shit going down with my roommates
and I really wanted to see you.
How's Bela holding up?
She ate a bunch of gummy worms before breakfast.
Couldn't tell you if that's good or bad. I think she'll be okay.
What's in the bag?
Is it a gift to make up for freezing me out of your social life?
Basically, yes.
I got you one of those grocery store cakes you so weirdly love.
Yeah. They taste better than fancy ones.
That's just not true. But in time we can fix you.
(chuckles) I asked them to write, "Sorry I was such a bitch" with icing,
but apparently the Stop & Shop has a no swear words policy.
Try Price Chopper next time. Anything goes at that place.
I will.
Should we just, like, get out of town tomorrow?
Go somewhere we can be ourselves? Maybe even overnight?
Yeah. Sounds nice.
How about this?
I'll drive us and pick out the place, and you pay for gas,
meals and lodging because I'm poor.
-Done. -Perfect.
Okay. Now let me see this grocery cake.
(chuckles) Oh, yeah. There it is.
Is that a Minion?
Oh, no, wait. It's a school bus.
No, it's a Minion.
Good luck at your away game. You totally got this.
Thanks. Hey, good luck on your midterm.
Thanks. I'll need it.
May I use the restroom, please?
The test just started.
I have a UTI and it's really flaring up right now.
One symptom is frequent urination, and it's very painful--
Okay, look. In the future, you can just say "medical issue."
Thank you both so much for meeting with me.
Whatever this is, can we make it fast?
I got tickets to a Kurosawa marathon at the film society.
Sure. So...
Ryan kind of assaulted me.
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Yeah. A couple of weeks ago, he got me alone,
put a porn on and watched it in front of me,
which was weird, and I ignored it.
But then on the day of the final submissions, he...
did something worse.
Okay.
Wait. Should we be hearing this, like, alone right now?
-Should someone be here with us or-- -What did he do?
He shoved his hard dick against my back.
Okay, his hard dick?
-What the fuck? -Eric, chill.
No, I mean, it's a serious allegation.
I agree. And that's why you should chill the fuck out and let Bela talk.
I'm so sorry that this happened. Are you okay?
Yeah. I talked to the Title IX office, but I'm not sure if I want to do that.
Title IX? You're already going there?
-Eric, please. -No. I don't want to be involved in this.
And quite frankly, I'm not even sure there's a this to be involved in.
It sounds like a misunderstanding.
Maybe Bela should just talk to Ryan about it.
He did it to Carla, too. He showed her his dick.
-What? -That's why she quit.
Look, I've known Ryan for years.
He's not the kind of person who's going around
shoving his hard dick against people.
I'm sorry. I just...
I don't believe this.
You know that we're supposed to, like, believe women, right?
Yeah. And I usually do believe them. I'm, like, constantly, believing women.
But this is different.
And, you know, next time, maybe write us an email.
Give us a little warning before you come in here and drop a giant bomb on us.
Jesus.
(sighs wearily)
Hey. You did the right thing.
Okay. Thanks.
(Leighton) Okay. You have to give me one clue about where we're going.
I get very stressed when I don't know what occasion to dress for.
Really? 'Cause I feel like this outfit could work for lots of different things.
Sure, but not if we're going to, like, a Four Seasons.
Alicia, if we are going to a Four Seasons, I do need to change.
I promise we are not going to a Four Seasons.
I got us a cute bed and breakfast run by a local beekeeper.
It's really quaint, and they have an option to sleep in a barn.
Oh, my God. That sounds so cool.
What is their cancelation policy?
-Are you looking at hotels already? -I am.
Okay. This is more like it.
I mean, it's not a B&B, but there's a TV, so we can watch Bravo.
I see a bed.
It's all I care about.
What about all those rural Vermont hot spots you wanted to show me?
I'm suddenly less interested in them.
Get on your back.
Oh, I fucking love your body.
Okay. Keep doing that.
(knock on door)
(chuckles) Did you seriously already order room service?
No. I asked them to send up extra towels.
Leave them outside.
Hmm. Oh, fuck.
(crowd cheering)
Manny, I'm open!
(blows whistle)
Hey, it's all right.
I know. I just really wanted to win that one.
Look. This is the best season the team has had in, like, ten years,
and it's mainly because of you. And me.
But mainly you.
Next year we'll go all the way.
(both chuckle)
What?
What the fuck?
Hello.
I feel like this robe might be my new everyday look.
-(chuckles) -I feel like a hot drug lord.
Okay. Where should we go first?
Yelp is suggesting a lot of sad suburban bars
and an axe-throwing brewery.
Smart combo.
Whoa! Alicia, you posted that? My purse is in the background.
Um, yes. In soft focus.
The focal point is obviously me looking amazing in the robe.
Can you please take it down?
(scoffs) Are you serious?
Yes. It's my Saint Laurent.
People are gonna recognize it and know that we are in a hotel room together.
Leighton, you're being ridiculous.
You can barely see it. No one's gonna zoom in and know it's your bag.
Oh, because you hang out with so many people who have bags like that?
-(scoffs) -(phone chimes)
Okay, Bela just liked it. I'm serious. Take it down.
Fine.
-I'll delete it. -Thank you.
Bro, I swear to God, Stan Lee has a cameo in Captain Marvel.
How's he going to be in a movie in 2019 when he died in 2018?
Okay. Obviously, you don't understand how movies are made.
Uh, Canaan?
Oh, excuse me. Miss, are you lost?
You don't live at the KJ House.
This is a dorm for people who answer text messages.
Hey. Um, sorry I've been dodging your texts.
I was going through some personal stuff, but I think it's over.
All right.
Are you mad at me?
Am I mad at you?
No. You just gave me a super-vague cryptic explanation
for why you ghosted me.
-So I'd say we're all good now. -(Jayla) Yeah, Whitney.
You can't just come crawling back thinking he'd been sitting around waiting for you.
-Canaan got options. -That's right.
A lot of that options are real ugly, but they are options.
(chuckles)
Okay. Well, I am sorry.
And I could have texted.
It's good.
By the way, I heard about your game. Sorry you lost.
But honestly, I'm kind of happy soccer's done.
Now you have more time to hang out with me.
Hmm, you've been looking me up.
No. I read it on ESPN.
I did have to scroll down really far, though.
They do not put women in sports at the top.
-No, they don't. -Come on.
So what does this town have in the way of dinner?
Thinking chicken tenders from a chain restaurant.
I think we need to end this.
What?
I can't keep dating someone that's closeted.
I can't keep sneaking around.
I feel like you're bringing me back in the closet with you.
I've already been through this. I can't go backward.
Okay, but what about me? I'm just-- I'm not ready.
Exactly. And you might never feel ready. So where does that leave me?
Believe me, I get it.
It was really hard coming out to both my grandmas on Easter Sunday,
but I did it,
and it made me feel so much better.
I just don't like the idea of coming out.
I don't feel the need to announce the world
what type of people that I sleep with and let that detail define me.
But it doesn't have to define you.
It totally does.
If you google a gay person,
the first word that auto populates after their name is "gay."
It becomes their new main characteristic.
And I don't need that. I like who I am.
I don't want to come out and become all political
and have it affect how I act and speak and dress and what things I do.
Um... you're describing me.
The thing you so desperately don't want to be is me.
Look. I really care about you.
I like--
(clears throat)
But if you can't be out with me, I can't be with you.
(sniffles)
Then I guess we're done.
(sniffles)
So now Eric officially hates me. I shouldn't have said anything.
I think it's good you did. Staying silent only leads to regret.
And you might not be there yet,
but let me know when you're ready to get revenge on that sick freak.
I would aid and abet you all day.
-(all chuckling) -(knock on door)
Hey, Bela.
Hi. Guys, this is Eric, the editor of the Catullan.
Oh, nah-uh. Not today, sicko.
You get your rapey dick out of here before I cut it off.
Yeah. Guess what. It's your turn to get assaulted, shitbird.
No, guys. This is Eric, the other editor. Ryan's the handsome one.
-Hey, what the fuck? -Sorry. It's been a long day.
Yeah, whatever. Can we just talk for a sec, like, alone?
Sure.
-Can I get a glass of water or something? -No.
I wrote this down so I wouldn't get it wrong.
"My initial reaction earlier today sucked.
As an editor and as a sometimes very awkward and thoughtless person, I'm sorry.
I handled myself poorly.
I believe you, and I will do something about it."
Wow!
Thank you, Eric.
Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm gonna get out of here.
It smells like a candle store at a mall.
Leighton.
Hey. What's up?
Nothing. Just going on a brisk walk for no particular reason at all.
Same. Same.
Why do you have luggage with you?
Oh, I had, uh, planned a trip, but then decided not to go.
-Hmm. Are you okay? -Yeah.
-Are you okay? -Yeah. Yeah.
Hey. Did Nico talk to you today?
No. No, he did not.
Seriously? You haven't heard from him at all?
Okay.
-Are you headed home? -No. I'm headed somewhere else first.
-Hey. How's it going? -Nico is cheating on you, a lot.