-You fucking cheated? -But you're, like, a nerd.
I don't know, guys. Is she?
She's cheating on tests, trying to bang a dude on a teacher's desk.
-True. -I think she's, like, a bad girl.
Well, now I have a meeting with President Lacey and the Honor Board
to plead my case so that they don't expel me.
Damn, girl. Your life's a fucking mess right now.
-Bela. -No, she's right. It is.
Well, it is all gonna work itself out, okay? And if it doesn't...
-Then what? -I don't know, okay?
I thought you guys would jump in with something encouraging--
-Oh, my God. -Okay.
Okay. Let's focus on the positives, right?
Uh, midterms are over,
and tonight we're gonna rage our brains out at the Anything But Clothes party.
Yes. Yes.
I, for one, will be making a tasteful but extremely revealing mini dress
made out of caution tape, and caution, I will be showing some ass meat.
Can you please not say ass meat while we are eating?
Leighton, you're so repressed.
Table poll. Is the phrase "ass meat" repulsive or charming?
-I don't like it. -It's not great, Bela.
-Thank you. -Okay. Well, here comes Nico.
-I'll ask him. -Damn, he looks kind of mad.
Leighton, I need to talk to you.
-I'm kind of busy right now. Can it wait? -No, it can't. Let's go.
Excuse me.
-I mean, we're gonna go eavesdrop, right? -Yeah. One hundred.
You had no right to say anything to Maya.
You were cheating on two of my friends. I am not the one who is in the wrong here.
I just don't understand why you would do this to me.
Oh, please. No one did anything to you. You did this to yourself.
I just put a stop to it.
I just hate thinking that they're fighting about me.
I don't think this is all about you.
Because you fucked Kimberly, that's why.
I mean, a good amount is about you. Sure.
What would you know about this, anyway?
You've literally never dated anyone seriously in your entire life.
You were all about Cory, and then you go on one date with him and you ghost him.
Uh, because he was boring.
Have you seen his Instagram? It's all sunsets.
Do you think they stopped? I can't hear anything anymore.
It's so quiet.
We just got here.
I'm so sorry my hand grazed whatever it grazed.
-Did you guys hear all that? -No, no. The doors are very thick.
They're lying. I heard it from the bathroom.
- Eric? - Up here.
-You sure you wanna be here for this? -Yeah, I am.
Uh... What's going on?
-We know what you did to Bela. -And to Carla.
Okay. Well, I don't know what you're talking about.
-I didn't do anything. -Yes, you did.
You assaulted both of us, and you know it.
Look, you can deny it all you want,
but we believe them and we made our decision.
We're kicking you out.
Wait. Can we slow down for a second?
You're really gonna take her word over mine?
-The girl who gave eight hand jobs? -Um, it was six hand jobs.
And who cares how many fucking hand jobs she gave?
It doesn't make her any less credible, you shit.
Dude, you know I wouldn't do this.
So two different women are just saying this
to take you down for no reason?
It doesn't make any sense.
And we're not gonna ignore that. It's done.
You can't just kick me out.
-I'm a co-editor. -Oh, really?
Looks like you're not anymore.
-Now I see why you invited me over. -I'm using you for your body.
-Mm-hmm? -Mm.
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm gonna go willingly. That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm taking my shirt off.
Uh... Sorry.
It's just weird doing this in Kimberly's room.
-Is that her big-ass bra behind you? -You could just ignore it...
Mm-hmm?
...and look at my bra.
Yes. It is a very, very good bra.
Mm-hmm.
-Should I take it off? -Mm-hmm.
-Okay. Oh, my God, dude. -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just weird.
It's weird having sex in your coworker's room.
Her stuffed panda is staring at me.
-That's Penny. -Don't tell me Penny's name.
Whitney? Whitney, are you in there?
-Oh, my God. -What?
My mom is here.
-What? Oh! -My mom is at the fucking door.
-Put your fucking shirt on. -Okay.
-Don't got to throw it. -Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck.
Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were on your book tour.
I am. But I thought I'd make an extra stop over here to ask you about this.
Okay. I just finished installing your antivirus software. Uh, all done.
You put your shirt on backwards.
-I-- -Mom, this is Canaan. He's-- Okay.
-I'm gonna see you later. -Yep.
Kimmy-bean. Perfect timing.
Look who's at the store. It's your third-grade teacher, Mrs. Jarvis.
-Hi, Mrs. Jarvis. -I can't see her.
Aisle four. She's got a real deep cough. Very, very wet.
-Dad, I need to talk to you. -Oh. Is everything okay?
I kind of did something bad.
Kimberly, whatever it is, you can tell me.
There's nothing you could say that would make me disappointed in you.
I cheated on a test and I got caught, and now I might get expelled.
-Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. -Dad, I'm so sorry.
I know I messed up. Just please don't be mad at me.
Of course I'm mad. What the hell, Kimmy? This isn't like you.
-I know. -What were you thinking?
I wasn't. That's the problem. I'm so stupid.
-I don't know how to tell Mom. -Oh, God. Don't do that.
We can just keep this between us. She will lose her shit.
Kimmy, it's okay to not be perfect for once.
Lord knows I'm not perfect.
Remember when I left Grandpa's ashes on the roof of the car and drove away?
-I love you, Dad. -I love you, too.
But you got to find a way to fix this.
We'll see.
Mom, why are you just showing up like this?
You could have called.
And you could have called me to tell me
your team was involved in a full-blown sex scandal.
Little suspicious I had to hear about it from Carl instead of you.
Carl, what the hell?
Okay. Yeah, well, Mom, you're wasting your time.
-Everything's fine. -Everything is not fine.
-One of the coaches was molesting a girl. -Oh, my God. No one was being molested.
I'm just saying they were both adults. And it's over. He's fired. He's gone.
Whitney, I cannot believe I'm going to ask you this,
but since you don't tell me anything about your life, is it you?
-No. -Well, then who was it?
I need to make sure she's okay.
You told her what?
We're all running
As fast as we can To the finish line
But what do we get when it's over
Does winning even matter in the end
If it's over
I'm done chasing tomorrow down
Jeff, for the last time, pieces about your cousin are not funny.
-Nobody knows who Emma is. -She's, like, crazy into horses.
-There might be something there. -There's nothing there.
Bela, your piece about Frankenstein
being Jewish and going on birthright is pretty solid. Good work.
Everyone else, please make sure you send in two more ideas by tomorrow
and also be sure to CC our new co-editor, Evangeline.
Uh, hello. You forgot to mention the first female co-editor in Catullan history.
Come on, guys.
Attagirl.
Hey, I just wanna say,
I think the way things went down with Ryan was kind of fucked up.
And to be honest, some other people do, too.
If you wanna defend a predator, maybe you should leave too.
Whoa, whoa. I don't think we need to kick any more people out.
It was Ryan's word against someone else's.
Ryan's word didn't make any fucking sense.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Says the girl who benefited from his exit.
Are you fucking kidding me?
All right, everyone, if we could calm down and get back to the meeting.
-Actually, I'm gonna go. -You should stay. He should go.
No, I wanna go. I came to Essex because of the Catullan.
But I think it might suck. In two months, I've been called a slut,
I've been hate-crimed by an alum, had some dude's dick jammed into my back.
If this is what being on the Catullan is like, I'm sorry, I'm good without it.
Baby, give me all you got
Mmm
And love'll make you fall to your knees and
You'll fall again
I don't really know where I'm going
I've decided what I'm gonna tell the Disciplinary Committee.
I'm gonna present them with a compelling, thoughtful,
at times humorous statement on who I am
and how I plan to learn from this experience.
Bitch, I'm asleep. You can't go in there empty-handed.
If you want them to go easy on you, you have to bring them something.
-Like treats? -Like evidence, honey.
-You stole that test from Theta, right? -Mm-hmm.
Well, don't you think that the Honor Board would like to know
about the large-scale cheating ring that's infecting their beloved university?
-You think I should tattle? -Hell, yeah. It's them or you.
-So Willow's gonna pretend to be straight? -Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
Hey, do any of you want my outfit for the Anything But Clothes party?
-I'm not going. -What?
You're not going to the party with us?
You made Whitney go to the Caribbean night party when she had mono.
-I had fluid in my lungs. -Bela, you have to go. We're all going.
I can't. My soul is crushed. My comedy dreams are over.
I guess now I'll just have to become a lame scientist
who cures IBS or some shit.
-You're fucking going. -Dude, it's just a party.
It's not.
I'm gonna steal the tests from Theta's closet
and turn them over to the Disciplinary Committee.
Holy shit.
What? White collar criminals do this stuff all the time.
Having grown up on the Upper East Side, I can confirm that is absolutely true.
Look, I'm just freaking out, and I really want you guys to be there.
All right. I'm in. I can't miss this shit. Let's go steal some test--
So which one of you guys wants to wrap this around my ass?
-Nobody does. Stop. -She would love to do it.
The next thing I knew, we were kissing in his truck.
And not just kissing. Hand stuff, too.
Ugh.
You don't have to reveal any more than you want to.
No. I think it's important that we all hear this.
-He took my flower. -Wow. Okay.
This is getting really personal.
She's right. I don't want to overstep boundaries.
But if you need anything, you let me know.
All I need is to heal, but I'm on my way.
Senator Chase. Hi. Could I please get a photo with you?
Of course. Carl?
-That's your mom? -Yeah.
Carl, take a photo and use that good angle.
He took your flower?
I know. I'm deeply good at this. Should I do drama?
You are shockingly great at this. And I appreciate you doing it.
Oh, I'm just getting started.
When your mama come back, I'm gonna make myself cry.
Cheers.
Bela, what was that?
It's carrot cake schnapps. It was on clearance.
Yeah, 'cause it tastes like shit.
-I kind of liked it. -Right?
I can't get the taste out of my mouth.
Another classic I'm feeling fucking fantastic
Normally wanna stay humble
But y'all know for real I be mad, kid
Hell, yes. We're gonna see some side dick tonight.
I hope my mom doesn't show up.
So she really bought that Willow is hooking up with him?
I almost believed it.
-Hello, bitches. -What?
-Oh, my God. -Lila, that outfit is awesome.
Thanks. It's 320 condoms from the student center,
and I plan on using all of them tonight.
Starting with you. Hello, sir.
All the rumors that you heard about me are true
I'm the best, best That you ever had in the crew
Wanna get two shots each, pretend they're for friends?
-Yes. -Boy.
-Excuse me? Uh, hi. -What?
Uh... Sorry if this feels creepy, um, but I've been watching you all night.
I've been here for, like, six minutes.
And those have been the best six minutes of my life.
Look, you're really charming and all of this is very impressive.
-I'm just not interested tonight. -Fair enough.
Girl, if you say no to that, what the hell do you say yes to?
He had, like, an eight-pack.
-Okay. All right. Thank you. -You know me and abs.
Thank you.
Should we talk about your humiliating introduction to my mom?
No. No. Let's actually never talk about that again, actually, ever.
-Yeah. She is way too much. Sorry. -Doesn't seem like too much to me.
She left her book tour to make sure you're okay.
She obviously cares about you a lot.
-Not to dampen the mood or anything-- -Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna party.
Hey, Bela, can we talk to you?
Uh... Yeah. Is everything okay? How was the rest of the Catullan meeting?
-It sort of ended right after you left. -So was everyone mad at me?
Actually, after you quit, Jo and I started talking and we quit too.
-Are you for real? -Yep.
You were right. That place is awful.
I give it two weeks
before Jeff has a nervous breakdown and moves home to Connecticut.
And how the fuck did it take till now for them to have a female editor?
Yeah. So that's what we wanted to talk to you about.
We wanted to start a new comedy thing with you.
-Ladies only. -What do you think?
Yes. Hell, yeah.
-Yes. -Yes.
I kind of wanna do it but I also don't wanna get in trouble.
Okay. If you wanna do it, you gotta do it now.
He's not looking. He's distracted.
-Okay. Let's go. -Come on.
Okay. Hurry up.
It's a party. There's, like, a million people around.
I've never done this before. I'm not Tom Cruise.
-Here they are. -Okay. Take it. Let's go.
Holy shit. Is that why you wore that bag?
-Your girl knows how to scheme. -Okay.
Shit.
What the fuck?
-What are you doing? -What does it look like?
I'm gonna leave you both to it.
Are you doing this 'cause you're mad at me?
-I got caught cheating with one of these. -For real?
-Oh, shit. -Yeah, it's not great.
So I was gonna hand these in and try and save myself.
-You should. -Seriously?
If it helps you not get expelled then it's worth it.
Thanks.
I could also use some duct tape.
So he just let you take the tests?
-Yeah. -That's so cool.
Yeah. That is surprisingly cool of him.
Oh, my God. That's Eric. He really stood up for me today.
Wait a minute. Eric. Eric.
-Bela? What are you wearing? -Oh, it's caution tape.
Yeah, I can see that.
-So how's it going? -Bad.
I had to irrevocably end my relationship with my best friend,
and I have to move out of my apartment because it's his,
and we lost all our good writers.
-So not the best day. -Right. That makes sense.
-Where are you gonna live? -I don't know.
-I gotta ask my dads for rent money. -Dads?
Yeah. I have two dads.
-Oh, that's fun. -You think it's fun that I have two dads?
-I do. -Yeah, I guess it's kind of fun.
I should go. My friends are waiting for me.
But maybe I'll see you around?
-Yeah. -All right.
Damn, I'm freezing my ass off.
-Hey. -Hey.
I'm sorry to show up unannounced.
-Uh, can I come in? -I don't think that's a good idea.
-Why? Is someone else here? -No.
-I just don't think it's a good idea. -Okay.
Well, uh, I just...
I came to say that I, uh...
That I really miss you.
And this is where it would be great if you could say that you also miss me, too.
I do miss you. But I also wanna move on.
And like I said, I don't wanna go backwards.
I can't. So, you need to move on too.
So long, so long
You're strong So tough, but so wrong
And just to prove you right
You wanted honeybear to come over tonight
And so I look you up
I prepared a statement. It's kind of long.
It's okay, Kimberly. Let's just start with some questions.
Um...
Is it true that you cheated on Professor Bennett's midterm?
Yes.
And was Professor Bennett clear about
what materials were and were not allowed during the test?
Yes.
So did you know that what you were doing was wrong?
Yes.
Boy, I don't like how these questions are making me look.
Well, what you're describing is a clear violation of Essex Honor Code.
-We take that very seriously. -I know. I messed up.
But this isn't me.
I've never been in trouble in my life before,
but I'm just kind of struggling here.
The classes are amazing, but they're hard. At least I think so.
And I wanna do well.
But I also work five days a week just so that I can afford to go here.
And I don't mean to make excuses or complain about being poor,
but you have no idea how hard it was for my family to send me here.
My mom had to sell her piano, and that really sucked.
And that's fine. It's fine. I'm fine. It's who we are.
But I guess that's why I feel so much pressure to do well.
I know what I did is wrong and I won't do it again.
But my spot at Essex means everything to me. I can't lose it.
I should have ended with the "I won't do this again" thing.
I won't do this again.
Okay. Thank you for your statement.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Actually, yes.
Baby, I wanted to apologize.
I saw that article and I assumed the worst of you.
-It's okay, Mom. -No, it's not okay.
I get scrutinized so much in my line of work.
If I show half an inch of cleavage, I am a headline on Breitbart.
And it makes me so much stricter on you, which isn't fair.
You shouldn't have to pay the price for my career.
-You are a good kid-- -I did it. It was me.
I was the girl.
Which girl?
The one who had the affair with the coach.
Willow was just pretending for me.
-She's gay. -What?
I know. She was very convincing.
You know that's not what I was talking about.
You had an--
You had an affair with your soccer coach?
How could you have kept this from me and lied to me about it?
I knew it was wrong, but I was in love with him.
I am so upset.
I know you're angry with me. Sorry.
-I never-- -I'm not angry with you.
-I'm angry with myself. -Mom, I didn't wanna disappoint you.
How could I have let this happen?
I'm your mother. I'm supposed to protect you.
Instead, I made you feel like you had to keep this a secret.
I just... I mean, I thought I could handle it by myself.
Baby, you don't only have to tell me the good things.
I'm also here when things are bad.
Especially when things are bad.
Listen. I don't have to leave for a while.
Would you like to come back to my hotel and talk some more?
-Yeah. That sounds good. -Okay.
So you're trying to tell me your friend Willow is gay?
I know. She's an amazing actress.
How did the disciplinary hearing go? Did you cry?
I cried a little. And then a lot on my way home.
Kimberly.
-You gave them the test, though, right? -Yeah.
I think that it's gonna be fine.
If Seasons 1 through 22 of SVU have taught me anything,
it's that Chris Meloni can get it,
and that turning over evidence always works.
-I hope so. -Me too.
All right. I am gonna go meet up with Evangeline and Jo.
Okay. Where are the others?
Whitney's out, and I think Leighton's still in bed.
Leighton's still in bed? It's almost noon.
Yeah.
-Leighton? -Go away, please.
-Are you crying? -I'm fine.
What's going on? What's wrong?
I was seeing someone and I fucked it up.
I fucked it up because I am fucked up.
I didn't even know you were seeing someone.
But you're not fucked up.
You're, like, the most together person I know.
You're so pretty and you're so smart.
And if this guy's too stupid to see that, then it's his loss.
Okay?
Don't cry. He's not worth it.
It wasn't a guy. It was a girl. I'm gay.
Oh, Leighton.
Does anyone else know?
No.
-Wow. I'm surprised you're telling me. -Yeah. Well, me too.
I'm really proud of you.
I don't wanna be like this. Kimberly, it's terrifying.
I don't want my whole life to change.
I get it. Coming out seems really scary.
Yeah.
But I think...
the only way you can be happy is if you're yourself.
I will be there
Don't you be scared
I will be there
Don't you be scared
-You are a really good person. -So are you.
You're not just telling me this because there's a chance
I might get expelled soon, right?
No. At least, not on any level that I realize.
Okay.
Remember that thick-necked hottie that hit on Leighton last night?
Well, I am three years deep into his Insta, and I just found this.
Oh, my God.
Right? Leighton, you gotta ride this dude like a log flume.
-I think Leighton can do better. -Do better?
- Look at his V muscles. - Oh, shit.
The email from the Honor Board came in.
What does it say?
-I'm not expelled. -Yes.
Oh, my God.
-You scared me. -That's great.
What is wrong? Why aren't you happy?
They revoked my scholarship.
So I have to find an extra $23,000 a semester.