[bright music]
[cheers and applause]
[bell dings]
- Welcome to "Nice One,"
the game of competitive kindness,
where we ask comedians to look at the bright side of bad situations
and say something nice about 'em.
It's a battle of sweetness, and I'm your host and snuggler of choice
Ron Funches.
Today we have Megan Gailey, Matt Rogers,
Zack Fox.
[cheers and applause]
So I'm just gonna give you a topic.
You just have to say something nice about it.
And every time my friends--
hi, guys... [cheers and applause]
Hear something they like,
they'll give you some points.
Our first topic: failing a drug test.
Megan?
- I think the good news when you fail a drug test:
you don't have to have your kids on the weekend.
[laughter]
- Matt, you're up.
- I actually think it's a good thing whenever I take a drug test,
'cause that means I will fail,
and that means I won't be able to, like, teach kids.
We need to keep me unemployed and away from children.
- Zack, looks like you failed a few drug tests.
What do... [laughing]
- Yeah.
RON: What do you like about it?
- It's on you, man.
Look inside yourself and learn how to buy piss
from a better piss dealer.
You know what I mean?
- That's why I had a son.
[laughter]
Here's our next topic: acne.
Matt?
- Acne is great, but back-ne is even better
'cause I actually hate being spooned and loved.
- Aww!
Zack?
- You know, if you're not hot in high school,
acne will make sure that you have a good personality.
- [chuckles] Megan?
- Men with acne scars make the kindest lovers.
[laughter]
- They're just happy to be there.
- Yeah.
- Here's our next topic:
Getting Mugged. Matt?
- I mean, personally, I would love to be mugged.
Please mug me, 'cause then someone will take my many cries for help seriously.
[laughter]
- Zack, what's positive about getting mugged?
- Getting mugged, it gives you that adrenaline rush
that you can really only get from, like, a near-death experience.
So, like, white people go, like, skydiving.
I just go to Skid Row in my nicest suit like, "What's up, y'all?"
[laughter]
- Megan?
- Getting mugged isn't so bad if you just think of it as a failed rape.
- Pfff!
[laughter]
- That is very correct.
[beeping]
That is the end of round one.
It's time to kick it up a notch.
Up next, you'll see a bunch of categories.
You just have to pick one--
say something nice.
Zack, you're up.
- I'll do Drinking Problems. That sounds relatable.
- [giggles]
You think so, but it's paper straws.
You ever try to drink a milkshake with a paper straw?
It'll make you want to choke a sea turtle with your bare hands.
[laughter]
- They got so much hate, but I do love the environment,
so I just started doing paper everything.
Paper forks, paper spoons.
Paper condoms.
- That's the one place I don't want a paper cut.
[laughter]
Matt, you're up.
- I will take Between the Sheets, Ron.
- Looks like you got bedbugs.
MATT: Yeah.
"I have bedbugs" is a great way
for me to stay in denial about my STD.
[laughter]
- Megan, your category.
- I'll take Mounties.
- Ooh, PDA.
MATT: Oh, no.
- I love seeing a couple grope and make out.
I think it's a great way to publicly express
that you privately do anal.
[laughter]
- I'm always looking for that information.
That's the end of the round.
Nice one, players.
Give a round of applause.
Well, let's see what my friends thought.
Let's see our scores.
- Oh, wow!
Megan, you're in the lead
with 1,570 nice points.
Matt, you know I love you.
- Yeah. - I enjoy what you do.
Unfortunately, it's time for you to go home.
Get the fuck out of my house! - Yeah.
Well, now that I don't have to be nice, eat my ass!
Eat my ass!
- Megan, Zack, it's time to find out
which one of you is the nicest of all
in a head-to-head contest of sweetness.
It's time for the nice-off
in the Friend Zone.
[cheers and applause] Yeah!
Welcome to the Friend Zone. [heavy blast]
You're gonna come at each other with your hardest, your strongest,
your fiercest compliments.
[cheers and applause]
Megan.
You go first.
- Zack gained tons of followers on Twitter
under the alias Bootymath.
But you don't need to be good at math to know that booty is a ten.
[electronic warbling]
- I'm looking at it. It's a fatty.
- Megan, your debut comedy album came out last November.
It's called "My Dad Paid for This."
And that's the nicest thing he's done since he nutted in your mom and made you.
[electronic warbling]
- Zack is the only man in comedy
that looks like he could actually make a woman come.
[electronic warbling]
- [giggles] Oh, I beg to differ.
[laughter]
[applause]
- Megan, I saw you in a Blue Diamond Almond commercial.
You were so damn fine, the almonds weren't the only nuts that you made blue.
[electronic warbling, bell dings]
- Oh, that's it! That's it!
[laughing]
Great stuff.
Great stuff, I love it.
It was a brutal battle of kindness.
The nicest person in the world is...
[air horn blares]
Zack Fox!
We'll see you next time on...
"Nice One."
[cheers and applause] Yeah!