[upbeat music]
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "Nice One,"
the game of competitive kindness
where we ask comedians to look at the bright side
of bad situations
and say something nice about 'em.
It's a battle of sweetness.
I'm your host and competitive hugger of the year,
Ron Funches.
[cheers and applause]
Well, thank you so much.
RON: Today we have Michael Yo,
Guy Branum, Taylor Tomlinson!
MICHAEL: Yeah!
- I'm gonna give you a topic, and you just have to say something nice about it.
Every time my friends over here [cheering]
hear something that they like, they're gonna give you points.
Our first topic is blind dates.
RON: Taylor. - I like blind dates 'cause it gives
your friends an opportunity to pick out your potential murderer.
RON: Guy. - Blind dates are really fun.
They're a good way of meeting my friends' one other fat gay friend.
- Michael. - I love blind dates, Ron.
Especially when you show up, and they're ugly.
'Cause that just lets you know that your friends think you're ugly too.
Yeah, yeah. Sad.
- Now, let's travel to Destination Weddings.
RON: Say something nice, Guy. - These days, gay weddings are passé,
They're done. If I'm gonna get gay married,
I wanna do it in, like, Jamaica or Dubai where you might get beheaded for it.
- Taylor, what can you say about these horrible things?
- I like a destination wedding. The only thing I like better
than a destination wedding is a destination divorce.
That's when you get all your friends to meet you at a Bennigan's
to watch you burn his underwear.
RON: Michael, what about you?
- Oh, my mom had the best destination wedding.
My dad was stationed in Korea in the army, and he snuck her out.
Her destination was freedom, I guess you could say.
Yeah, that's right.
- Your dad was like a little Harriet Tubman.
He's like, "Your freedom train starts on this dick."
[tone]
RON: Oh, nicely done, players. Great round.
Let's kick it up a notch!
Up next, you'll see a bunch of categories,
and you just have to pick one, say something nice.
RON: Michael, pick a category. - I will take drug peddler.
- Lance Armstrong.
He's been stripped of his titles, endorsements, and a testicle.
[laughter]
- This man is a survivor.
He ruined his reputation so bad, cancer was even like, "Naw, I'm out."
- Taylor, you're up.
- Okay, let's do nothin' but nets.
- Uh-oh.
Suicide nets.
[laughter]
Taylor, tell me something about Chinese iPhone factories
that will make me feel okay about my new phone.
- Well, you know, at least these kids are learning the value of a hard day's work
early on, right? That's why in China, there's no 16 and pregnant.
It's 16 and Productive.
- Guy, you're up. - Monster Island, please.
- Absolutely.
Australia is very, very, very far away.
And that's good, because everything there is poisonous!
What are some non-poisonous things about Australia?
- Australia has the dumbest hot people and the hottest dumb people.
It is like if a soap opera were a continent.
- Nice one, players!
[cheers and applause]
Let's find out what my friends thought and see what our scores are.
[cheering]
RON: Wow! A crazy game!
Guy in the lead-- 1,865 niceness points.
And unfortunately, Michael, you have the low on the totem pole.
You're just not nice enough. AUDIENCE: Aw...
- We're so glad that you came, but now please...
GET THE FUCK OUT!
Guy, Taylor, it's time to find out
which one of you is the nicest of all
in a head-to-head contest of sweetness.
It's time for the Nice Off
in the Friend Zone.
Ha ha! Welcome to the Friend Zone.
[boom] You're gonna come at each other
with your hardest, strongest
fiercest compliments.
[audience cheering]
Guy, you're up first.
- Taylor has been on "The Tonight Show," Comedy Central, and "Conan."
The only way most girls her age can get on that many TV shows
is by being abducted in Aruba.
- I tried that too.
- You've got a face for abduction.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
Wow, Guy, you are so big in person.
You're like a fuckable kingpin.
- Taylor, you are such an amazing comedian,
but you've done it at such a young age.
Because the hardest thing about working with Taylor
are the little chunks of placenta that keep falling off of her.
- You are a baby.
- You all may think that Guy is too heavy to be a top,
but let me tell you, he is worth the weight.
[bell rings]
- That's it!
Let's hear it for 'em!
- Whoo hoo!
- What a round! Taylor, great work.
Guy, I just wanna hug you.
Oh, I wanna live in there. - You're the huggablest, Funches.
- I have the results.
It was a brutal battle of kindness,
but the nicest person in the world is...
[air horn blows] Taylor Tomlinson!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you all for comin' by.
We'll see you next time on "Nice One."
- Whoo-hoo!