[cheers and applause]
[bell dings]
- Oh, welcome to "Nice One,"
the game of competitive kindness,
where we ask our comedians
to look at the bright side of bad situations
and say something nice about 'em.
It's a battle of sweetness,
and I'm your host,
and what happens when you dip a gummy bear in chocolate,
Ron Funches.
Today we have Rhea Butcher,
Fortune Feimster,
Pete Lee.
So what's gonna happen is,
I'm gonna give you a topic,
and you just have to say something nice about it.
And every time my friends...
[cheers and applause] Hear something they like,
they're gonna give you some points.
Let's get started. Here's our first topic:
internet trolls.
Fortune?
- Well, I would just like to personally thank the internet trolls
for pointing out that I look like the fat kid from the movie "Bad Santa."
[bells jingling]
- I can see it.
They're right. - Yeah, I don't know.
I would've never known without them, so...
thanks.
- Pete, what about you?
- They give the best nicknames.
Like, my nickname is Triggered Beta Cuck.
[laughter]
I don't even know what it means, but I love it.
- [laughs] Don't google it.
[laughter]
Rhea?
- Honestly, I don't care what they say.
A follower's a follower.
Thanks for being fan. WOMAN: Whoo!
- Let's move on to our next topic:
gamers.
Fortune, what about you?
- I dated a gamer once.
[man laughing] And--hey!
[laughter]
That wasn't the punchline.
The punchline is, he was really good with my knobs and buttons.
Back when I dated guys.
[laughter]
- Rhea, what do you like about gamers?
- I mean, I love gamers.
You know, they keep the population manageable,
'cause they live in their parents' basements
and scream at children on a little headset.
- [chuckling]
I should stop doing that.
Pete?
- I love gamers 'cause, like, they're totally athletes.
They just don't want to shower with the team.
[beeping]
RON: That is the end of round one.
It's time to kick it up a notch.
Up next, you'll see a bunch of categories.
You just have to pick one--
say something nice.
Fortune, you're up.
- Let's go with Hollywood monsters!
- Uh-oh!
[audience oohs]
- [chuckling] Aw.
- This is not a mugshot,
but it absolutely is a mugshot.
- No, that's the pic he wanted.
- Oh, Harvey Weinstein...
what can I say?
He came, and he went.
[man chuckling]
[laughter]
Guys, it's a come joke.
In past tense.
- Oh, Rhea, why don't you pick a category?
- All right, let's go with, uh, Hot for Bleacher.
- Ooh, let's do it.
Ticketmaster and StubHub.
[audience groans] I know.
- It's easy. It's called Ticketmaster.
When has anything being called "master" ever been bad in history?
[laughter]
- I can't think of any. - See?
- Pete, you're up. Pick a category.
- I'll take Memorable TV Moments.
- All right.
[bell chimes]
[audience groaning]
- What? - Oh!
- The "Challenger" disaster, and that was one big whoopsie-doodle.
- Well, I mean, on the bright side, you know, they were all teachers.
And technically, space shuttles are still safer than schools.
[laughter]
- Oh!
I didn't think you were gonna figure out a way!
[beeping]
That's the end of the round. Nice one, players.
Let's look and see what our scores are.
Well, look at that.
- Whoa!
- Pete, you stormed out in front with 2,045 points.
Rhea, unfortunately, it's time for you to go home.
[audience awws] - Okay.
- Get the fuck out!
- Oh! Okay!
[cheers and applause]
- All right, Fortune and Pete,
it's time to find out who is the nicest of all
in a head-to-head contest of sweetness.
That's right, it's time for a nice-off...
in our Friend Zone!
[cheers and applause]
Welcome to the Friend Zone. [heavy blast]
You're gonna come at each other with your hardest, strongest,
fiercest compliments.
Let's get it on! Fortune?
- Pete Lee. Aw, this is so awkward.
I had some really great Asian jokes prepared.
But then I got to know Pete, and they all still apply.
- That's probably about your penis.
- Fortune, you're brilliant, which is even more amazing
considering that your North Carolina accent
makes everything you say sound like,
"Hey, you smell like my sister!"
- Pete's from Wisconsin,
home of the Packers,
which makes sense because Pete is definitely packing.
What I'm trying to say is, I think he has a big wiener.
[electronic blaring]
- Fortune, you are beautiful.
And I know that you date women,
but all the women that you've dated
truly are "Fortune 8."
[electronic blaring]
[bell dings]
- Okay, that is it. That is it.
Let's hear it for 'em!
[cheers and applause]
You were both on.
Now, that--that was a battle.
Now, it was a brutal battle of kindness.
But the nicest person in the world is...
[air horn blares] Fortune Feimster!
[cheers and applause]
- What?
Thank you.
- Thank you for coming by.
We'll see you next time on "Nice One."
[cheers and applause]