1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:03,370 [upbeat music] 2 00:00:03,403 --> 00:00:06,213 [cheers and applause] 3 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:07,410 - Welcome to "Nice One," 4 00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,141 the game of competitive kindness 5 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:11,106 where we ask comedians to look at the bright side 6 00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:14,284 of bad situations and say nice things about them. 7 00:00:14,314 --> 00:00:15,824 It's a battle of sweetness, 8 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,219 and I'm your host and emotional support human, 9 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:19,422 Ron Funches. 10 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,393 Today we have Zainab Johnson, 11 00:00:21,421 --> 00:00:24,291 Moshe Kasher, Ahmed Bharoocha. 12 00:00:24,324 --> 00:00:25,834 [cheers and applause] 13 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:28,899 I'm gonna give you a topic and you just have to say nice things about it. 14 00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:30,999 And every time you say something my friends like... 15 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,371 Hi, guys. [audience cheers] 16 00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:33,999 You're gonna get some points. 17 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,244 Here's our first topic. 18 00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:37,639 Renaissance Faire. 19 00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:38,571 Zainab? 20 00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:42,175 - It is the largest gathering of adult virgins in gowns 21 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,879 where little boys aren't being harmed. 22 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,551 [laughter] 23 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,550 - Ahmed? 24 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,421 - It's a safe space for failed actors 25 00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:52,519 to go and continue failing at acting. 26 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:53,693 - Moshe? 27 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,320 - I do like Ren Faires, but I don't like to go out that much. 28 00:00:56,356 --> 00:00:58,756 Luckily, I can just set myself on fire at home 29 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,402 and get that Jew-during-the-Renaissance feeling for myself. 30 00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:03,198 [all groan] 31 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:05,170 - What, are you groaning at me or history? 32 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:07,699 What's the issue here? 33 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,544 - Here's our next topic. 34 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,610 Themed Parties. Moshe? 35 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,108 - I'm all for themed parties. 36 00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:15,610 As long as the theme is not Germany in the 1930s, 37 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,682 I am in. 38 00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:19,881 I'm a Jew. I'm a Jew. 39 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:20,953 ZAINAB: [laughs] 40 00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,681 - I got it from your name being Moshe. 41 00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:25,146 [laughter] 42 00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:26,785 Ahmed? 43 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:27,820 - Themed parties are the best. 44 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:30,555 I suck at small talk, but you know who doesn't suck at small talk? 45 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:33,561 Robot Clint Eastwood. 46 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,404 [monotone voice] Do you feel lucky, punk? 47 00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:38,703 - Zainab, anything good about those? 48 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,432 - Themed parties are great. 49 00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:43,567 Like, it's the best way to find out what type of people your friends are. 50 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:44,544 Like, "Oh, my God. 51 00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:46,941 "I didn't know Mike was, like, a Heath Ledger Joker. 52 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,384 I hope he's okay." 53 00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:50,679 [beeping] 54 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,111 - Nicely done, players. Let's hear it for them. 55 00:01:53,146 --> 00:01:54,816 - Nicely done, players. - [laughs] 56 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,478 - It's time to kick it up a notch. 57 00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,447 Up next, you'll see a bunch of categories. 58 00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:00,915 You just have to pick one-- say something nice. 59 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,194 Moshe, back to you. 60 00:02:02,222 --> 00:02:03,692 - I'll take Sorry We Missed You. 61 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,194 - Ooh, porch pirates. 62 00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:08,156 [laughter] You ever-- 63 00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:11,225 MOSHE: That sounds-- - It's a good graphic. 64 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,295 - It sounds like a racial slur. 65 00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:15,043 It really does. 66 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,040 "I gotta get rid of all these porch pirates in the neighborhood." 67 00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:20,972 RON: [laughs] - It does. 68 00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:22,338 - Yeah, it doesn't sound right. 69 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,806 - If you've ever had a package stolen from your porch, 70 00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,975 then you know porch pirates are bad people 71 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:30,624 who now have your sex robot. 72 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,551 But maybe they had a good reason. Moshe? 73 00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:36,417 - I'm not mad at them 'cause, like, whenever my pooping box fills up, 74 00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:39,626 I just seal it up, put it on the porch, and somebody takes it away. 75 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:44,632 I shit in a box, Ron. [laughter] 76 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:47,565 I don't have indoor plumbing, Ron. 77 00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,273 RON: Zainab, pick a category. 78 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:53,435 - Let's go with Some Assembly Required. 79 00:02:53,473 --> 00:02:55,613 - Oh, you know where we're going. ZAINAB: [chuckles] 80 00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:58,012 - To IKEA. 81 00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:00,605 - IKEA, you can go there and get a lamp 82 00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:03,447 that'll last you about as long as the light bulb. 83 00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:05,923 - Ahmed, you're up. - Oversharing. 84 00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,923 - Snitches. 85 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:10,285 - Without snitching, I wouldn't be my mom's favorite. 86 00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,194 [laughter] 87 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,656 But you didn't hear that from me. 88 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:15,725 [beeping] 89 00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:18,202 - Nice one, players. Give them a round of applause. 90 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:19,372 [cheers and applause] 91 00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:21,069 Now let's see what my friends thought. 92 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,971 Let's check in on our scores. 93 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:27,614 Ooh, wow. 94 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,981 Ahmed, 1,735 nice points. 95 00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:32,980 Moshe, you have the lowest score on the totem pole. 96 00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,123 - I'm no longer having a nice time! 97 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:37,248 - Get out of here! MOSHE: All right. 98 00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:39,254 [applause] 99 00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:41,016 RON: Zainab, Ahmed, 100 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,324 it's time to find out which one of you is the nicest of all 101 00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:46,087 in a head-to-head contest of sweetness. 102 00:03:46,126 --> 00:03:48,026 It's time for the nice-off... 103 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,201 in the Friend Zone! 104 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,870 Yeah. 105 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,569 [pensive music] 106 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,970 Welcome to the Friend Zone. [heavy blast] 107 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:59,443 You're gonna come at each other with your hardest, your strongest, 108 00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,813 your fiercest compliments. 109 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:04,242 Ahmed, would you kick it off? 110 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,108 - Sure. Zainab, you were born to be a star. 111 00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,417 I bet you were conceived by a big bang. 112 00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:12,719 [laughter] 113 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,523 - Ahmed, you started out as a dishwasher. 114 00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,256 I know you don't wash dishes anymore, 115 00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:20,161 but you still clean up real nice. 116 00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:21,604 - Ooh. 117 00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:23,028 All right, yeah. I like that one. 118 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:26,033 - That is a beautiful shirt. 119 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:29,036 - Zainab's name is Arabic and means, "a father's jewel," 120 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,339 which explains why we're nuts about her. 121 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,937 - Ahmed, everyone loves you. 122 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,846 I heard when you quit your dishwashing job to be a stand-up, 123 00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:41,849 the dishes were like, "Well, fuck us, I guess." 124 00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:47,688 - That's some Beauty and the Beast shit. 125 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:48,961 [bell dings] 126 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,389 Well, all right, that's it. That's it. 127 00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:53,534 Let's hear it for our comedians. [cheers and applause] 128 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,900 Oh, my goodness. 129 00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,829 That was a battle of kindness. 130 00:04:58,866 --> 00:04:59,926 We have the results. 131 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,467 The nicest person in the world is... 132 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:05,113 [air horn blares] Ahmed Bharoocha! 133 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,808 - Oh, thank you. Thank you. 134 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,681 - Thank you all for coming by. 135 00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:13,550 We'll see you next time on "Nice One."