[upbeat music]
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "Nice One,"
the game of competitive kindness
where we ask comedians to look at the bright side
of bad situations and say nice things about them.
It's a battle of sweetness,
and I'm your host and emotional support human,
Ron Funches.
Today we have Zainab Johnson,
Moshe Kasher, Ahmed Bharoocha.
[cheers and applause]
I'm gonna give you a topic and you just have to say nice things about it.
And every time you say something my friends like...
Hi, guys. [audience cheers]
You're gonna get some points.
Here's our first topic.
Renaissance Faire.
Zainab?
- It is the largest gathering of adult virgins in gowns
where little boys aren't being harmed.
[laughter]
- Ahmed?
- It's a safe space for failed actors
to go and continue failing at acting.
- Moshe?
- I do like Ren Faires, but I don't like to go out that much.
Luckily, I can just set myself on fire at home
and get that Jew-during-the-Renaissance feeling for myself.
[all groan]
- What, are you groaning at me or history?
What's the issue here?
- Here's our next topic.
Themed Parties. Moshe?
- I'm all for themed parties.
As long as the theme is not Germany in the 1930s,
I am in.
I'm a Jew. I'm a Jew.
ZAINAB: [laughs]
- I got it from your name being Moshe.
[laughter]
Ahmed?
- Themed parties are the best.
I suck at small talk, but you know who doesn't suck at small talk?
Robot Clint Eastwood.
[monotone voice] Do you feel lucky, punk?
- Zainab, anything good about those?
- Themed parties are great.
Like, it's the best way to find out what type of people your friends are.
Like, "Oh, my God.
"I didn't know Mike was, like, a Heath Ledger Joker.
I hope he's okay."
[beeping]
- Nicely done, players. Let's hear it for them.
- Nicely done, players. - [laughs]
- It's time to kick it up a notch.
Up next, you'll see a bunch of categories.
You just have to pick one-- say something nice.
Moshe, back to you.
- I'll take Sorry We Missed You.
- Ooh, porch pirates.
[laughter] You ever--
MOSHE: That sounds-- - It's a good graphic.
- It sounds like a racial slur.
It really does.
"I gotta get rid of all these porch pirates in the neighborhood."
RON: [laughs] - It does.
- Yeah, it doesn't sound right.
- If you've ever had a package stolen from your porch,
then you know porch pirates are bad people
who now have your sex robot.
But maybe they had a good reason. Moshe?
- I'm not mad at them 'cause, like, whenever my pooping box fills up,
I just seal it up, put it on the porch, and somebody takes it away.
I shit in a box, Ron. [laughter]
I don't have indoor plumbing, Ron.
RON: Zainab, pick a category.
- Let's go with Some Assembly Required.
- Oh, you know where we're going. ZAINAB: [chuckles]
- To IKEA.
- IKEA, you can go there and get a lamp
that'll last you about as long as the light bulb.
- Ahmed, you're up. - Oversharing.
- Snitches.
- Without snitching, I wouldn't be my mom's favorite.
[laughter]
But you didn't hear that from me.
[beeping]
- Nice one, players. Give them a round of applause.
[cheers and applause]
Now let's see what my friends thought.
Let's check in on our scores.
Ooh, wow.
Ahmed, 1,735 nice points.
Moshe, you have the lowest score on the totem pole.
- I'm no longer having a nice time!
- Get out of here! MOSHE: All right.
[applause]
RON: Zainab, Ahmed,
it's time to find out which one of you is the nicest of all
in a head-to-head contest of sweetness.
It's time for the nice-off...
in the Friend Zone!
Yeah.
[pensive music]
Welcome to the Friend Zone. [heavy blast]
You're gonna come at each other with your hardest, your strongest,
your fiercest compliments.
Ahmed, would you kick it off?
- Sure. Zainab, you were born to be a star.
I bet you were conceived by a big bang.
[laughter]
- Ahmed, you started out as a dishwasher.
I know you don't wash dishes anymore,
but you still clean up real nice.
- Ooh.
All right, yeah. I like that one.
- That is a beautiful shirt.
- Zainab's name is Arabic and means, "a father's jewel,"
which explains why we're nuts about her.
- Ahmed, everyone loves you.
I heard when you quit your dishwashing job to be a stand-up,
the dishes were like, "Well, fuck us, I guess."
- That's some Beauty and the Beast shit.
[bell dings]
Well, all right, that's it. That's it.
Let's hear it for our comedians. [cheers and applause]
Oh, my goodness.
That was a battle of kindness.
We have the results.
The nicest person in the world is...
[air horn blares] Ahmed Bharoocha!
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you all for coming by.
We'll see you next time on "Nice One."