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<font color="#ffff00">Provided by explosiveskull</font>
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

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[typing on keyboard]

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[upbeat rock music]

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♪ Honey ♪

5
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Faithful blog readers, all
four of you,

6
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instead of a post whining
about my shitty job

7
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or bland suburban life,
I'm shaking things up.

8
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I've submitted my entry for
Pitchfest.

9
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"What the hell is that?" you
ask.

10
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Well, for struggling
writers such as myself,

11
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it's a lottery ticket of sorts.

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If chosen, you get to
pitch your story idea

13
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to three established writers
in the literary world.

14
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They then choose a winner
who gets published.

15
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I've entered before, but
haven't been selected.

16
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This year though, Pitchfest
is coming here to Seattle,

17
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so I'm hoping I get special
consideration

18
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for being from the area.

19
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You know what they say,
16th time's the charm!

20
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Fuck me with a rusty trombone.

21
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Quick, get vertical! Get
vertical!

22
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Hurry up! Hurry up!

23
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[upbeat music]

24
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I'm teaching Howard a lesson
today

25
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on acting like a douche canoe.

26
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Cameron, you broke my
computer.

27
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What?

28
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Howard, I just installed
the RAM, like you asked.

29
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Then why is everything
on my screen sideways?

30
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Oh no.

31
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Oh Howard, your computer's
been hit by a virus

32
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on our network.

33
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It's causing all the
displays to rotate, see?

34
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It's happening to everyone, you
know?

35
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Antivirus vendor is sending us a
patch.

36
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We'll have it up in a couple
hours.

37
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What?

38
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I have to complete three
dozen student evaluations

39
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by the end of the day.

40
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Isn't there anyone else you can
contact?

41
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Well, when we brought
you the RAM, you said,

42
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"A third grader could do
what a helpdesk tech can."

43
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Maybe you can call one of them?

44
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[laughs]

45
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Sometimes I can't
believe you're my manager.

46
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Well, I'm young and I don't
care

47
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about money or advancement.

48
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Which actually, according to the
state,

49
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makes me the ideal university
employee.

50
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Then why am I here?

51
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Well, you're a writer with a
family.

52
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You need the benefits.

53
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And you aren't qualified to do
much else.

54
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I fucking hate you.

55
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Are we a little bit touchy?

56
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Is this one of your sad blog
post days?

57
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Well, just stick to
the funny family stuff.

58
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Maybe people would read your
blog then.

59
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I keep telling you,
it's not meant to be read;

60
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hence, My Anonymous Blog.

61
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You know, I need a little space

62
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for me to mentally masturbate.

63
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Oh, I know.

64
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And I thoroughly appreciate
your brain bukake.

65
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Right, Paulie?

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[upbeat music]

67
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- [crash]
- Dangit!

68
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Come on! Let's go!

69
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Dangit!

70
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Dangit!

71
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Great.

72
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The mommy brigade's out
in full force today.

73
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There's Xander!

74
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I'm gonna go say "hi."

75
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No, I look gross and
I'm just not in the mood

76
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to deal with Xander's mom

77
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and her passive-aggressive
comments.

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Passing addresses? What's
that?

79
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It's where someone says
something mean to you,

80
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but they say it in a way that
sounds nice.

81
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Does that make sense?

82
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I don't think Xander's
mommy would do that.

83
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I'll go check.

84
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Wait!

85
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Shit!

86
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[whimsical music]

87
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Oh, Buzz! Xander, your
friend Buzz is here.

88
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Hi Christy! My mom is in the
car and...

89
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And, nope!

90
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Mom's here!

91
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Buzz, why don't you and Xander
go play

92
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so the mamas can talk?

93
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- But...
- Go play, now.

94
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Hey! So, what's new?

95
00:04:13,262 --> 00:04:16,631
Me, I've just been cleaning all
day.

96
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Is that what's on your shirt?

97
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Oh, no. This is just coffee,
see?

98
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[slurping]

99
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Hey, mom. I'll see you in the
car.

100
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Uh, we better go.

101
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You know, I was running late

102
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and I totally forgot my driver's
license.

103
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Barely made it in time for
pick-up.

104
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Wow, I'm so self-conscious
about my appearance

105
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that it takes me half an
hour just to get ready

106
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for the grocery store.

107
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I love that you don't
even feel the need to try.

108
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You have such joie de vivre.

109
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Huh. Yeah.

110
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[muttering] Mm, joie de vivre...

111
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Dangit!

112
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Teddy, really smart
people don't have to worry

113
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about looking dumb.

114
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And I think that's gonna be you
one day!

115
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Is that passing addresses, mom?

116
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Get in the car.

117
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We still gotta go to the
store to get the pies

118
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for the celebration tonight.

119
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More pie! More pie!

120
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More pie! More pie!

121
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Buzz, that's enough sugar.

122
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But it's anniversary pie!

123
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I need to eat more to show how
happy I am.

124
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It's fine.

125
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When a marriage lasts 21 years,

126
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I think everybody deserves a
second slice.

127
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Tell me more about your
wedding.

128
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It was big, right?

129
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And who caught the bouquet?

130
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Oh, this girl from my
sorority.

131
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She was kind of a skank.

132
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Skank?

133
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Uh, no. Skunk!

134
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She was smelly.

135
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[all laugh]
[whimsical music]

136
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To 20 wonderful years.

137
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But it's your 21st
anniversary?

138
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Well, one year was kind of
rough.

139
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Which year was that?

140
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You know, it doesn't matter.

141
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It was a long time ago, and
every couple has one bad year.

142
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The important thing is we made
it through,

143
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and the three of you guys
are our tasty reward.

144
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Tasty?

145
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Yeah.

146
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A good family is like a piece of
taffy.

147
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It's sweet, it sticks to you
whether you want it to or not,

148
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and the best kind has nuts in
it.

149
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True, but taffy with
nuts is kinda weird, honey.

150
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So's our family.

151
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Cheers to that.

152
00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:53,122
Mom, can you be sure
to wash my gym clothes?

153
00:06:53,155 --> 00:06:54,857
Volleyball tryouts are this
week.

154
00:06:54,890 --> 00:06:57,259
I might not be fast, but
I've got a mean serve.

155
00:06:57,293 --> 00:06:58,794
I'm sure you'll do great,
honey.

156
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Did you get your homework done?

157
00:07:00,029 --> 00:07:00,830
Almost.

158
00:07:00,863 --> 00:07:02,031
I just need dad's help with
math.

159
00:07:02,064 --> 00:07:04,632
I've gotta grab him before
he goes into his writing cave

160
00:07:04,666 --> 00:07:05,334
for the night.

161
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:06,502
Well, maybe I can help.

162
00:07:06,535 --> 00:07:10,306
Do you know how to find
the y-intercept of a slope?

163
00:07:10,339 --> 00:07:15,411
I do, but it's better if you
figure it out for yourself.

164
00:07:15,444 --> 00:07:17,913
Sure. Any other words of
wisdom?

165
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Marry someone smarter than you

166
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so your kids stand a chance.

167
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Nice.

168
00:07:21,884 --> 00:07:24,652
I assume grandma gave you the
same advice?

169
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[Buzz] No, dad! Please, no!

170
00:07:28,724 --> 00:07:30,092
Everything all right in here?

171
00:07:30,126 --> 00:07:32,995
Daddy's gonna shock me
if I wet my bed again!

172
00:07:33,028 --> 00:07:34,730
That's not what I said.

173
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I was just telling Buzz
about these electric blankets

174
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that might help him.

175
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When they get wet, they
give you a tiny little shock

176
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so you can wake up and go to the
bathroom.

177
00:07:43,939 --> 00:07:45,374
But I don't want a shock!

178
00:07:45,407 --> 00:07:47,076
It's just a tiny zap.

179
00:07:47,109 --> 00:07:49,178
It's not like a taser gun or
anything.

180
00:07:49,211 --> 00:07:50,880
Frank, no.

181
00:07:50,913 --> 00:07:52,848
Don't taze me, bro!

182
00:07:52,882 --> 00:07:54,917
I won't wet my bed again.

183
00:07:54,950 --> 00:07:56,051
Promise!

184
00:07:56,085 --> 00:07:58,254
All right, but you need dry
sheets

185
00:07:58,287 --> 00:07:59,755
if you wanna turn seven.

186
00:07:59,788 --> 00:08:01,991
Then I get a big party, right?

187
00:08:02,958 --> 00:08:04,793
Maybe we'll even have
a volcano fountain.

188
00:08:04,827 --> 00:08:05,961
Yay!

189
00:08:05,995 --> 00:08:07,163
You two almost done in here?

190
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:10,399
Yeah, Buzz just has to clean
the ol' twig and berries.

191
00:08:10,432 --> 00:08:12,101
And I will leave you to that.

192
00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:17,206
[soft music]

193
00:09:00,382 --> 00:09:01,717
You almost done, bud?

194
00:09:03,219 --> 00:09:05,321
Maybe a half hour more?

195
00:09:05,354 --> 00:09:06,889
Man, MIT better appreciate

196
00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:08,057
the work you're doing to get in.

197
00:09:08,090 --> 00:09:09,758
Don't jinx me, dad.

198
00:09:09,792 --> 00:09:10,960
Didn't you have to torture
yourself

199
00:09:10,993 --> 00:09:13,095
to get into Stanford too?

200
00:09:13,128 --> 00:09:14,096
Little bit.

201
00:09:14,129 --> 00:09:17,299
All right, finish up and
then straight to bed.

202
00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:18,234
You got it.

203
00:09:22,805 --> 00:09:23,639
- Hey.
- Hey.

204
00:09:23,672 --> 00:09:26,508
Did you get some good writing
done?

205
00:09:26,542 --> 00:09:29,445
I dunno, but my brain
was feeling like mush,

206
00:09:29,478 --> 00:09:31,380
so I figured, time for bed.

207
00:09:34,083 --> 00:09:35,384
Unless you wanna...

208
00:09:37,052 --> 00:09:38,754
You know, it is our anniversary.

209
00:09:40,189 --> 00:09:41,056
Yeah. Sure.

210
00:09:41,991 --> 00:09:43,325
Are the kids asleep?

211
00:09:43,359 --> 00:09:44,927
Everybody except Teddy.

212
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:45,794
Well, then we can't.

213
00:09:45,828 --> 00:09:46,528
He'll hear us.

214
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,298
What if we do it standing?

215
00:09:49,331 --> 00:09:51,233
I dunno. It's kinda cold.

216
00:09:51,267 --> 00:09:52,501
Can I leave my pajamas on?

217
00:09:54,036 --> 00:09:55,571
How would that even...

218
00:09:55,604 --> 00:09:58,307
You know what, I'll
just take care of things

219
00:09:58,340 --> 00:09:59,575
in the shower tomorrow.

220
00:09:59,608 --> 00:10:00,976
Wait. What?

221
00:10:01,010 --> 00:10:02,044
I mean, I knew you did that

222
00:10:02,077 --> 00:10:03,946
when I was pregnant with
the kids, but you still..?

223
00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:05,281
Make fist-kebabs?

224
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,348
You bet.

225
00:10:06,382 --> 00:10:09,118
Gross. I'll be using one
of the other bathrooms.

226
00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:10,352
Well, don't use Teddy's.

227
00:10:10,386 --> 00:10:12,187
A teen boy could seal the Grand
Canyon

228
00:10:12,221 --> 00:10:14,890
with the amount of spackle they
put out.

229
00:10:14,923 --> 00:10:17,593
- What?
- Ick. Just get over here

230
00:10:17,626 --> 00:10:20,829
so we can look at our Facebook
page.

231
00:10:20,863 --> 00:10:23,499
I posted one of our old
wedding photos to our account.

232
00:10:25,134 --> 00:10:27,036
You looked gorgeous.

233
00:10:27,069 --> 00:10:28,203
Still do.

234
00:10:28,237 --> 00:10:31,974
How come it looks like I'm
the one who had three kids?

235
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,309
Look at all these comments.

236
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:35,844
Hold on, you passed the end.

237
00:10:35,878 --> 00:10:37,379
Sorry, just let me...

238
00:10:37,413 --> 00:10:38,881
Wait.

239
00:10:38,914 --> 00:10:39,581
What?

240
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:42,951
Fuck!

241
00:10:43,919 --> 00:10:44,887
What? What is it?

242
00:10:46,622 --> 00:10:48,123
Who's Molly Young?

243
00:10:48,157 --> 00:10:50,359
A former classmate of mine.

244
00:10:50,392 --> 00:10:51,894
Check out the article link.

245
00:10:53,295 --> 00:10:55,397
It says she's getting a book
published.

246
00:10:55,431 --> 00:10:56,899
Ooh, nice advance too.

247
00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,335
Good for her?

248
00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:01,003
What? Was she a bitch or
something?

249
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:01,870
No.

250
00:11:03,405 --> 00:11:05,574
She was just like a
majority of my classmates

251
00:11:05,607 --> 00:11:07,343
who thought serious novelists

252
00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,611
should write about depressing
people

253
00:11:09,645 --> 00:11:11,180
in messed-up situations.

254
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:14,216
And since I like to
write about happy people

255
00:11:14,249 --> 00:11:18,654
who aren't dicks, well,
let's just say I didn't click

256
00:11:18,688 --> 00:11:21,256
with her or a lot of my
classmates.

257
00:11:22,458 --> 00:11:23,625
I know I'm just being jealous,

258
00:11:23,659 --> 00:11:26,428
but, shit, I thought it was my
turn

259
00:11:26,462 --> 00:11:28,063
to have something good happen.

260
00:11:28,997 --> 00:11:30,032
Look at me here.

261
00:11:31,266 --> 00:11:35,070
This guy, when we got married,
he was talking with agents,

262
00:11:35,104 --> 00:11:37,172
winning short story awards.

263
00:11:37,206 --> 00:11:39,575
He thought life had all
these possibilities,

264
00:11:39,608 --> 00:11:44,613
and then one bad year
sidetracked things.

265
00:11:45,147 --> 00:11:47,383
He never pictured
himself as some fat loser

266
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:50,052
working a shitty job living a
sh...

267
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,553
Living a shitty life?

268
00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:53,655
No, no, no, no.

269
00:11:53,690 --> 00:11:55,891
That's not what I was gonna say.

270
00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:58,394
I had different expectations,
you know?

271
00:11:58,427 --> 00:12:02,364
And I just never imagined
my life being normal.

272
00:12:02,398 --> 00:12:04,433
And normal is bad?

273
00:12:04,466 --> 00:12:07,503
Normal's fine, but it was
just kinda more your dream.

274
00:12:09,004 --> 00:12:11,673
Honey, my dream was to have a
husband

275
00:12:11,708 --> 00:12:14,977
that was available to share my
life with.

276
00:12:15,010 --> 00:12:16,311
And look at all you've got now.

277
00:12:16,345 --> 00:12:19,081
I mean, great house, amazing
kids,

278
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:21,417
and a wife that is still
madly in love with you

279
00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:23,452
after all these years.

280
00:12:23,485 --> 00:12:27,089
Look, I know it's gonna
happen with your writing.

281
00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:29,558
It wasn't the right
time back then, but now?

282
00:12:29,591 --> 00:12:31,293
I mean, you've entered
Pitchfest,

283
00:12:31,326 --> 00:12:32,561
and the fact that it's happening
here

284
00:12:32,594 --> 00:12:34,596
just proves your time is coming.

285
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,064
It's destiny.

286
00:12:37,533 --> 00:12:39,034
Yeah. Maybe.

287
00:12:40,202 --> 00:12:43,071
Look, think positive.

288
00:12:43,105 --> 00:12:46,709
Maybe you should even start
exercising?

289
00:12:46,743 --> 00:12:49,111
Lose a few pounds before you
pitch?

290
00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:51,013
Well, okay, if I get to pitch.

291
00:12:51,046 --> 00:12:53,248
And are you getting tired
of looking at my fat ass?

292
00:12:53,282 --> 00:12:55,451
No, never. You know
that's not what I mean.

293
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:57,052
But it could be good for you.

294
00:12:57,085 --> 00:13:01,123
And maybe we can make it
fun, like, have a prize?

295
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,324
What do you have in mind?

296
00:13:02,357 --> 00:13:03,392
I don't know.

297
00:13:03,425 --> 00:13:07,496
Maybe I could dress in
something hot and we could

298
00:13:07,529 --> 00:13:09,364
have-a the sexy time?

299
00:13:09,398 --> 00:13:11,467
[whimsical music]

300
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:15,370
Okay, I like what you're
thinking.

301
00:13:16,305 --> 00:13:18,340
Ooh. Right now?

302
00:13:18,373 --> 00:13:20,309
But for the record,

303
00:13:23,545 --> 00:13:25,782
this doesn't count as more sexy.

304
00:13:25,815 --> 00:13:28,217
What? I thought you liked that
one!

305
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:30,185
Honey, you are so sweet,

306
00:13:30,219 --> 00:13:32,154
and I think you're hot
in anything you wear,

307
00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:37,192
but your bedroom instincts
are a little PG-13.

308
00:13:38,227 --> 00:13:41,463
Now, I don't need anything
hardcore, okay?

309
00:13:42,631 --> 00:13:46,435
I'm thinking something
special, like shower sex?

310
00:13:46,468 --> 00:13:47,737
Ick.

311
00:13:47,770 --> 00:13:49,638
I feel like I'm being water-boarded
every time we try that.

312
00:13:49,671 --> 00:13:53,041
Okay, how about some oral
attention?

313
00:13:53,075 --> 00:13:54,643
Blowies on demand?

314
00:13:54,677 --> 00:13:57,513
You know - one for every pound I
drop.

315
00:13:57,546 --> 00:13:59,314
No. Absolutely not.

316
00:13:59,348 --> 00:14:03,218
Look, I might consider
one for every five pounds.

317
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:06,321
If I got to our wedding
weight, I'd get about 10.

318
00:14:06,355 --> 00:14:08,590
Ha! No way you can do that.

319
00:14:08,624 --> 00:14:09,625
What?

320
00:14:09,658 --> 00:14:10,727
I could if I wanted.

321
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:11,593
Bullshit!

322
00:14:11,627 --> 00:14:13,662
If you lost that much weight,
I'd...

323
00:14:14,596 --> 00:14:16,431
I'd let you put your dick in my
ass!

324
00:14:22,872 --> 00:14:25,374
You can't make jokes like
that, okay?

325
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:29,378
That's just mean and cruel
and I know that you'd never...

326
00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:30,713
Maybe.

327
00:14:30,747 --> 00:14:32,648
Maybe you don't know me
as well as you think.

328
00:14:32,682 --> 00:14:34,449
How many pounds to get to 185?

329
00:14:34,483 --> 00:14:35,752
About 50.

330
00:14:35,785 --> 00:14:37,319
- Yeah, right.
- All right.

331
00:14:37,352 --> 00:14:38,220
- Wait.
- What?

332
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:39,288
What's the deadline?

333
00:14:39,321 --> 00:14:40,122
Why do we need one?

334
00:14:40,155 --> 00:14:41,623
You said I'd never lose that
much.

335
00:14:41,657 --> 00:14:43,325
Well, yeah, but what
if you go and get cancer?

336
00:14:43,358 --> 00:14:45,594
I mean, you could easily
lose 50 pounds from chemo.

337
00:14:45,627 --> 00:14:47,262
That wouldn't be fair.

338
00:14:47,296 --> 00:14:50,800
Wait, are you saying
that if I got cancer,

339
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,501
you wouldn't do anal with me?

340
00:14:52,534 --> 00:14:54,436
[laughs]

341
00:14:54,469 --> 00:14:55,270
What do you think?

342
00:14:57,339 --> 00:14:58,775
Look, I mean, if you really want
this,

343
00:14:58,808 --> 00:15:00,442
you could lose it all in a few
weeks.

344
00:15:00,475 --> 00:15:02,544
Yeah, I could also chop a leg
off too,

345
00:15:02,578 --> 00:15:04,580
but I'd like to lose the weight
safely.

346
00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:06,716
10 weeks. That's five pounds a
week.

347
00:15:07,817 --> 00:15:10,485
Let's make it an even
three months. Deal?

348
00:15:15,657 --> 00:15:16,525
Yeah!

349
00:15:19,261 --> 00:15:21,463
That's it! No backing out!

350
00:15:21,496 --> 00:15:22,364
It's a deal!

351
00:15:22,397 --> 00:15:23,632
Oh, I won't back out.

352
00:15:23,665 --> 00:15:26,568
Just like you won't get to 185.

353
00:15:26,602 --> 00:15:27,669
Night, honey.

354
00:15:28,805 --> 00:15:31,573
You know, our 20th anniversary
may have been platinum,

355
00:15:31,607 --> 00:15:34,476
but the 21st is looking all
brown.

356
00:15:51,928 --> 00:15:53,128
[grunts]

357
00:16:08,811 --> 00:16:09,812
Oh Buzzy-buzz?

358
00:16:10,980 --> 00:16:12,347
Time to get up, kiddo.

359
00:16:13,281 --> 00:16:15,617
Hey, I enjoyed our talk last
night.

360
00:16:15,651 --> 00:16:16,853
It's been awhile since I woke up

361
00:16:16,886 --> 00:16:19,554
feeling this enthusiastic about
something.

362
00:16:19,588 --> 00:16:20,555
Really?

363
00:16:20,589 --> 00:16:23,225
Oh, tell me more while I
make the kids' lunches.

364
00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:25,862
[Frank] Well, I dunno.

365
00:16:26,729 --> 00:16:27,764
It just feels good to have a
goal

366
00:16:27,797 --> 00:16:31,233
that I have some control over.

367
00:16:31,266 --> 00:16:33,635
[electricity buzzing]

368
00:16:33,669 --> 00:16:34,704
[whimsical music]

369
00:16:34,737 --> 00:16:36,706
I think I needed something
to shake up my world,

370
00:16:36,739 --> 00:16:38,775
and this has definitely done
that.

371
00:16:38,808 --> 00:16:41,443
[Laura] I'm glad, but don't
tell anybody

372
00:16:41,476 --> 00:16:43,278
about our little bet.

373
00:16:43,311 --> 00:16:44,881
Yeah, I wasn't gonna advertise
it,

374
00:16:44,914 --> 00:16:46,883
but can I tell Cam?

375
00:16:46,916 --> 00:16:49,484
I assume you're telling Meg and
Jen.

376
00:16:49,518 --> 00:16:51,520
Oh! I better grab my Fitbit.

377
00:16:58,795 --> 00:17:00,395
Hey Buzz, what're you up to?

378
00:17:00,429 --> 00:17:02,431
I was just exercising.

379
00:17:03,598 --> 00:17:04,533
Okay, cool.

380
00:17:04,566 --> 00:17:06,869
Well, let's work out
when I get home, okay?

381
00:17:06,903 --> 00:17:08,503
Get ready for school now.

382
00:17:08,537 --> 00:17:10,807
[whistling]

383
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:19,816
Hey, our student worker's here!

384
00:17:19,849 --> 00:17:21,616
Paulie, you are free to binge
Season Three

385
00:17:21,650 --> 00:17:22,719
of "Gilmore Girls."

386
00:17:22,752 --> 00:17:25,688
Some days I really regret
being a sociology major.

387
00:17:25,722 --> 00:17:28,356
Nikki, just enjoy college,
okay?

388
00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:30,625
You can regret your choice
of major in about 10 years

389
00:17:30,659 --> 00:17:32,294
when you're wondering why
you're still working here.

390
00:17:32,327 --> 00:17:33,595
Right, Cam?

391
00:17:33,628 --> 00:17:34,629
Cam?

392
00:17:34,663 --> 00:17:35,530
Frank.

393
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:37,700
Ooh! You're my hero.

394
00:17:39,068 --> 00:17:40,970
You're going to the final
frontier.

395
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:42,805
Your mission is to explore new
holes,

396
00:17:42,839 --> 00:17:45,440
to seek out new sensations, to
boldly go

397
00:17:45,474 --> 00:17:47,810
where no husband has gone
before.

398
00:17:47,844 --> 00:17:49,478
You read my blog, did ya?

399
00:17:49,511 --> 00:17:50,445
It was a blog, Frank.

400
00:17:50,479 --> 00:17:53,482
Now it's a fucking manual for
married men.

401
00:17:53,515 --> 00:17:55,017
Frank here has convinced his
wife

402
00:17:55,051 --> 00:17:56,953
to let him take the vein train
to A-town.

403
00:17:56,986 --> 00:17:57,652
Dude!

404
00:17:57,687 --> 00:17:58,855
You put that on the internet?

405
00:17:58,888 --> 00:18:03,358
I did not use those words,
and it's on my secret blog.

406
00:18:03,391 --> 00:18:04,026
You can read it.

407
00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:05,695
Paul, send her a link.

408
00:18:05,728 --> 00:18:06,963
Don't do that, Paul.

409
00:18:06,996 --> 00:18:09,498
Meg, you remember how you
said we never try new things?

410
00:18:09,531 --> 00:18:11,433
Well, wait until you hear
about the freaky shit

411
00:18:11,466 --> 00:18:12,634
Frank and Laura are into.

412
00:18:14,402 --> 00:18:15,071
Call me.

413
00:18:15,104 --> 00:18:15,872
What?

414
00:18:15,905 --> 00:18:16,939
If Meg knows that Laura's
willing,

415
00:18:16,973 --> 00:18:19,374
maybe she'll dance the
chocolate cha-cha with me.

416
00:18:19,407 --> 00:18:21,376
You want that, try proposing
to her.

417
00:18:21,409 --> 00:18:23,445
No, no! No, thanks.

418
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:25,748
Why buy the cow if you can
punch the starfish for free?

419
00:18:25,782 --> 00:18:26,749
Cameron!

420
00:18:26,783 --> 00:18:27,616
What?

421
00:18:30,585 --> 00:18:31,520
Nice.

422
00:18:32,420 --> 00:18:33,923
I can only imagine what Meg
would say

423
00:18:33,956 --> 00:18:35,758
if she heard you talking like
that.

424
00:18:37,794 --> 00:18:40,529
You're gonna let Frank
play poo darts with your ass?

425
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:44,000
I have no idea what that
means,

426
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:45,802
but that is definitely
not gonna happen, Meg.

427
00:18:45,835 --> 00:18:46,535
So true.

428
00:18:46,568 --> 00:18:48,938
There's no way the timid
titmouse

429
00:18:48,971 --> 00:18:51,974
lets Frank take a trip to
Browntown.

430
00:18:52,008 --> 00:18:52,842
Shut up, Jen.

431
00:18:52,875 --> 00:18:54,911
Titmouse?

432
00:18:54,944 --> 00:18:59,949
'cause she's tiny and quiet
like a mouse, but with boobs?

433
00:19:00,817 --> 00:19:01,918
No.

434
00:19:01,951 --> 00:19:04,586
A titmouse is a small bird
that makes a lot of noise.

435
00:19:04,619 --> 00:19:06,889
As kids, we went to
an exhibit at the zoo.

436
00:19:07,957 --> 00:19:09,859
Laura got so embarrassed she
couldn't even say the name

437
00:19:09,892 --> 00:19:10,927
and turned bright red.

438
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,963
Dad thought it was hilarious

439
00:19:13,996 --> 00:19:16,899
and he's been calling her his
timid titmouse ever since.

440
00:19:16,933 --> 00:19:18,134
That's sweet.

441
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:19,001
It's not sweet!

442
00:19:19,035 --> 00:19:20,569
I mean, maybe I don't wanna be
known

443
00:19:20,602 --> 00:19:21,436
as the titmouse anymore.

444
00:19:21,469 --> 00:19:23,773
Maybe I'm ready to get a little
nuts.

445
00:19:23,806 --> 00:19:25,473
Oh, you'll be getting
some nuts, all right.

446
00:19:25,507 --> 00:19:27,109
Laura, you know we love you,

447
00:19:27,143 --> 00:19:30,112
but when it comes to things
like the mommy brigade

448
00:19:30,146 --> 00:19:31,814
or going outside your comfort
zone,

449
00:19:31,848 --> 00:19:33,515
you're still the timid titmouse.

450
00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,984
Why would you even make a bet
like this?

451
00:19:35,017 --> 00:19:37,720
Frank, he started talking
about that old classmate of his,

452
00:19:37,753 --> 00:19:39,121
you know, the writer?

453
00:19:39,155 --> 00:19:41,090
And then that got us
talking about our past,

454
00:19:41,123 --> 00:19:42,390
and I don't know.

455
00:19:42,424 --> 00:19:44,160
He felt crappy, I felt guilty

456
00:19:44,193 --> 00:19:47,429
and the bet seemed to
perk him up a little bit.

457
00:19:47,462 --> 00:19:48,998
Those crappy times happened so
long ago.

458
00:19:49,031 --> 00:19:51,633
It's hard to believe
they still bug you now.

459
00:19:51,666 --> 00:19:52,935
I mean, most of the time it
doesn't,

460
00:19:52,969 --> 00:19:54,669
but it's like a scab, you know?

461
00:19:54,704 --> 00:19:56,471
You know you shouldn't pick at
it,

462
00:19:56,504 --> 00:19:59,008
but you see it and it's
all yellow and crusty.

463
00:19:59,041 --> 00:20:00,076
- Laura!
- And you just kinda start

464
00:20:00,109 --> 00:20:01,310
picking at the pieces and
before-

465
00:20:01,344 --> 00:20:05,181
- As your sister and lawyer,
you've negotiated a poor deal.

466
00:20:05,214 --> 00:20:07,817
You've drastically underestimated
your prize's allure.

467
00:20:07,850 --> 00:20:10,853
Our asses are an aphrodisiac.

468
00:20:10,887 --> 00:20:12,722
Oh, an ass-phrodisiac!

469
00:20:12,755 --> 00:20:13,689
Exactly.

470
00:20:13,723 --> 00:20:15,024
50 pounds is nothing to a guy

471
00:20:15,057 --> 00:20:16,826
who wants to what-what in the
butt.

472
00:20:16,859 --> 00:20:19,195
Hasn't Frank ever tried
to go there before?

473
00:20:19,228 --> 00:20:20,395
Yeah, of course.

474
00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:22,965
Only every time he thinks
I've had too much to drink.

475
00:20:22,999 --> 00:20:23,900
Cam's the same way.

476
00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:25,701
I'm always having to shut that
boy down.

477
00:20:25,735 --> 00:20:28,137
Me too, but you know, pinky
tip.

478
00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:29,906
Every girl knows the pinky
tip.

479
00:20:29,939 --> 00:20:31,506
Hell, even Cam knows the pinky
tip.

480
00:20:31,539 --> 00:20:32,742
You ever had the thumb?

481
00:20:34,043 --> 00:20:34,911
Thumb?

482
00:20:35,711 --> 00:20:37,479
It's known as the bowler's
hold?

483
00:20:43,252 --> 00:20:44,854
Jen's right about one thing.

484
00:20:44,887 --> 00:20:47,189
This is every guy's fantasy.

485
00:20:47,223 --> 00:20:49,992
Well, that and two girls.

486
00:20:50,026 --> 00:20:52,194
I mean, look, the most
weight Frank's ever lost

487
00:20:52,228 --> 00:20:54,663
is 15 pounds and that took two
months.

488
00:20:54,697 --> 00:20:57,166
There's just no way he's
gonna lose 50 in three.

489
00:20:57,199 --> 00:20:59,035
Well, I think we
probably should look at it

490
00:20:59,068 --> 00:21:00,535
and see how he's doing in a
month.

491
00:21:00,568 --> 00:21:02,772
But if he's looking good,
you may wanna prepare

492
00:21:02,805 --> 00:21:05,540
to have your booty plundered.

493
00:21:05,573 --> 00:21:06,608
Aaargh.

494
00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:11,579
I don't wanna be plundered.

495
00:21:11,613 --> 00:21:15,818
[background chattering]
[soft music]

496
00:21:20,156 --> 00:21:21,824
[Frank] Blog people!

497
00:21:21,857 --> 00:21:23,558
I'm not quite sure how the word
got out,

498
00:21:23,591 --> 00:21:26,996
but suddenly my blog's viewership
numbers have increased.

499
00:21:27,029 --> 00:21:29,098
Fantastic and welcome!

500
00:21:29,131 --> 00:21:30,166
Dangit!

501
00:21:30,199 --> 00:21:32,068
[Frank] I know blogging's
kind of old-school,

502
00:21:32,101 --> 00:21:35,104
but I refuse to post pictures
of my meals or tweet.

503
00:21:35,137 --> 00:21:37,539
Besides, writing's what I know.

504
00:21:37,572 --> 00:21:39,607
Now, I usually post about my
family

505
00:21:39,641 --> 00:21:41,711
or about the struggles of being
a writer.

506
00:21:41,744 --> 00:21:44,747
But I assume you wanna hear
about the bet.

507
00:21:44,780 --> 00:21:45,715
It's fine.

508
00:21:45,748 --> 00:21:48,516
I'm happy to report the diet's
going well.

509
00:21:48,550 --> 00:21:52,188
Now, my wife's tried to throw
a few curve balls my way,

510
00:21:52,221 --> 00:21:53,823
but my will is steel.

511
00:21:54,957 --> 00:21:57,760
Uh, steel and rice cakes.

512
00:21:57,793 --> 00:21:59,028
♪ And the Thundercat said ♪

513
00:21:59,061 --> 00:22:01,831
- ♪ Roll over ♪
- ♪ Roll over ♪

514
00:22:01,864 --> 00:22:04,166
♪ There were nine in the
bed and the Amazon said ♪

515
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,936
- ♪ Roll over ♪
- ♪ Roll over ♪

516
00:22:09,939 --> 00:22:12,241
Hey sweetie! How'd
volleyball tryouts go?

517
00:22:12,274 --> 00:22:13,743
♪ Roll over, hey ♪

518
00:22:13,776 --> 00:22:15,011
♪ Roll over, hey ♪

519
00:22:15,044 --> 00:22:16,245
♪ Roll over, hey ♪

520
00:22:16,278 --> 00:22:17,813
♪ Roll over ♪

521
00:22:20,182 --> 00:22:22,218
She suddenly reminds me of
your mother.

522
00:22:23,352 --> 00:22:25,688
[Frank] Since you
don't know my identity,

523
00:22:25,721 --> 00:22:28,257
I think it's important to
say something about the bet.

524
00:22:29,859 --> 00:22:33,062
My interest in the prize
is not about male dominance

525
00:22:33,095 --> 00:22:35,031
or some masochistic fetish.

526
00:22:35,965 --> 00:22:38,768
You see, my wife and I met at a
young age,

527
00:22:38,801 --> 00:22:41,804
so our sexual repertoire is
limited

528
00:22:41,837 --> 00:22:43,773
to what we've learned together.

529
00:22:43,806 --> 00:22:46,108
Which, honestly, is pretty
wonderful.

530
00:22:46,142 --> 00:22:48,044
[ladies giggling]

531
00:22:48,077 --> 00:22:52,982
That said, my wife's "brown
button" has always been treated

532
00:22:53,015 --> 00:22:55,918
like a demilitarized zone.

533
00:22:55,951 --> 00:22:58,320
We explore the area, but
there's a definite border

534
00:22:58,354 --> 00:22:59,755
we don't pass.

535
00:23:00,655 --> 00:23:02,291
If I lose this weight though,

536
00:23:02,324 --> 00:23:04,894
I'm looking forward to
playing Lewis & Clark with her

537
00:23:04,927 --> 00:23:07,196
as we map out the area.

538
00:23:07,229 --> 00:23:08,230
♪ She's Diana Prince ♪

539
00:23:08,264 --> 00:23:09,799
♪ I could be the Bruce Wayne ♪

540
00:23:09,832 --> 00:23:10,900
♪ Crusading these chicks ♪

541
00:23:10,933 --> 00:23:12,234
♪ Now the fourth one ♪

542
00:23:12,268 --> 00:23:13,836
♪ She looks like Daphne ♪

543
00:23:13,869 --> 00:23:17,006
♪ The night's still young
and my carpet's Shaggy ♪

544
00:23:17,039 --> 00:23:20,242
Dear Lord! How stretchy
does an asshole get?

545
00:23:20,276 --> 00:23:22,678
Well, you've seen goatse.

546
00:23:25,314 --> 00:23:26,315
No shit?

547
00:23:28,384 --> 00:23:29,752
[revolted screaming]

548
00:23:29,785 --> 00:23:32,054
- ♪ Roll over ♪
- ♪ Roll over ♪

549
00:23:32,088 --> 00:23:33,621
♪ There were five in the bed ♪

550
00:23:33,655 --> 00:23:34,890
♪ When the Cuckoo Girls said ♪

551
00:23:34,924 --> 00:23:37,326
- ♪ Roll over ♪
- ♪ Roll over ♪

552
00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:38,861
♪ And there were two in the bed ♪

553
00:23:38,894 --> 00:23:40,229
♪ When the Skrull girl said ♪

554
00:23:40,262 --> 00:23:42,798
- ♪ Roll over ♪
- ♪ Roll over ♪

555
00:23:42,832 --> 00:23:45,367
♪ So we all rolled over and one
was left ♪

556
00:23:45,401 --> 00:23:46,902
♪ And we cuddled through the
night ♪

557
00:23:46,936 --> 00:23:48,170
♪ With her head on my chest ♪

558
00:23:48,204 --> 00:23:49,671
♪ I didn't even hear her leave ♪

559
00:23:49,705 --> 00:23:50,906
♪ because I was snorin' ♪

560
00:23:50,940 --> 00:23:52,141
♪ Cuz she had to go to work ♪

561
00:23:52,174 --> 00:23:54,009
♪ 'cause it was Saturday morn ♪

562
00:23:59,682 --> 00:24:01,684
And then he said it was
like...

563
00:24:01,717 --> 00:24:02,852
but it was this.

564
00:24:02,885 --> 00:24:04,186
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

565
00:24:04,220 --> 00:24:05,221
Sorry, Frank.

566
00:24:05,254 --> 00:24:06,088
Time for shopping, food and fun.

567
00:24:06,122 --> 00:24:07,857
We'll bring your wife back after
dinner.

568
00:24:07,890 --> 00:24:09,225
I got news though!

569
00:24:09,258 --> 00:24:10,292
Guess who's got two thumbs

570
00:24:10,326 --> 00:24:12,294
and is now entered into
Pitchfest?

571
00:24:12,328 --> 00:24:13,661
Oh, that's awesome, honey!

572
00:24:13,696 --> 00:24:15,865
See, I told you your time would
come.

573
00:24:17,233 --> 00:24:18,134
[laughs]

574
00:24:18,167 --> 00:24:19,969
Yeah, I just gotta flesh out
my pitch,

575
00:24:20,002 --> 00:24:21,669
prepare a full writing sample.

576
00:24:21,704 --> 00:24:22,538
It's gonna take a little time.

577
00:24:22,571 --> 00:24:23,906
Well, I'm getting out of your
hair,

578
00:24:23,939 --> 00:24:25,808
so you're gonna have the whole
day.

579
00:24:25,841 --> 00:24:27,076
Nice.

580
00:24:27,109 --> 00:24:29,145
Ooh, but Teddy needs you to
proofread his progress report.

581
00:24:29,178 --> 00:24:30,913
I can do that. Okay.

582
00:24:32,948 --> 00:24:33,983
And Buzz!

583
00:24:34,016 --> 00:24:36,051
Can you help him with
his science fair project?

584
00:24:36,085 --> 00:24:37,019
Maybe have him do something

585
00:24:37,052 --> 00:24:39,822
other than a baking
soda volcano this year.

586
00:24:39,855 --> 00:24:41,090
He does like volcanoes.

587
00:24:41,123 --> 00:24:42,124
I can...

588
00:24:42,158 --> 00:24:43,025
Yeah.

589
00:24:45,461 --> 00:24:48,197
And can you please
check our room for mold?

590
00:24:48,230 --> 00:24:51,300
There is this funky smell in
there that's driving me crazy!

591
00:24:51,333 --> 00:24:52,368
I don't know.

592
00:24:52,401 --> 00:24:54,436
Maybe you need to regrout
the shower or something?

593
00:24:55,371 --> 00:24:57,039
I can check, but...

594
00:24:57,072 --> 00:24:58,340
- Thanks!
- Okay.

595
00:24:59,808 --> 00:25:01,310
And Annie is at Noreen's
house.

596
00:25:01,343 --> 00:25:04,213
Don't forget to pick her up at
four, okay?

597
00:25:04,246 --> 00:25:05,781
Good luck with the writing.

598
00:25:05,814 --> 00:25:06,682
Yeah!

599
00:25:08,751 --> 00:25:09,818
Yeah, okay.

600
00:25:12,988 --> 00:25:16,859
[car engine revving]

601
00:25:16,892 --> 00:25:19,728
So where exactly are we going?

602
00:25:19,762 --> 00:25:21,030
You'll see...

603
00:25:27,503 --> 00:25:29,738
So that's exciting about
Frank.

604
00:25:29,772 --> 00:25:32,341
Yeah, maybe you'll get lucky
and he'll be so busy writing,

605
00:25:32,374 --> 00:25:34,443
he won't have time to exercise.

606
00:25:34,476 --> 00:25:35,277
That'd be nice.

607
00:25:35,311 --> 00:25:37,179
Frank's already halfway to his
goal

608
00:25:37,213 --> 00:25:40,015
and honestly, I am freaking out.

609
00:25:40,049 --> 00:25:42,918
I literally have no idea what
I'm gonna do if he makes it.

610
00:25:42,952 --> 00:25:44,386
I do.

611
00:25:44,420 --> 00:25:47,823
And I recommend an enema one day
prior.

612
00:25:47,856 --> 00:25:49,058
Ugh!

613
00:25:49,091 --> 00:25:50,993
Frank's lucky if I even brush
my teeth before we have sex.

614
00:25:51,026 --> 00:25:52,261
I think you need to calm down.

615
00:25:52,294 --> 00:25:55,097
This doesn't necessarily
have to be a bad thing.

616
00:25:55,130 --> 00:25:57,466
As a matter of fact, it
can be pretty pleasurable

617
00:25:57,499 --> 00:25:59,468
if you're prepared for it.

618
00:25:59,501 --> 00:26:01,503
That's why we're going on
this little field trip,

619
00:26:01,537 --> 00:26:03,939
my sweet titmouse.

620
00:26:03,973 --> 00:26:05,874
Oh, and it's right up here.

621
00:26:05,908 --> 00:26:07,009
[slurping]

622
00:26:07,042 --> 00:26:08,110
Hey, Meg.

623
00:26:08,143 --> 00:26:09,979
What're you drinking back there?

624
00:26:10,012 --> 00:26:11,947
Chardonnay. I filled it before
we left.

625
00:26:11,981 --> 00:26:13,182
Pass that on up!

626
00:26:36,005 --> 00:26:38,407
[sexy music]

627
00:26:40,542 --> 00:26:44,146
♪ And I'm on a roll ♪

628
00:26:44,179 --> 00:26:47,583
♪ Oooooooh ♪

629
00:26:47,616 --> 00:26:50,019
Did you bring that sippy in?

630
00:26:50,052 --> 00:26:52,988
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

631
00:26:58,861 --> 00:27:00,896
So what are we looking for?

632
00:27:00,929 --> 00:27:02,898
Something to help Laura
loosen up back there.

633
00:27:02,931 --> 00:27:04,933
I do not like the sound of
that.

634
00:27:04,967 --> 00:27:08,437
Excuse me, where are your Ben
Wa balls?

635
00:27:08,470 --> 00:27:10,506
Uh, balls?

636
00:27:10,539 --> 00:27:12,274
Anal beads.

637
00:27:12,308 --> 00:27:16,412
As opposed to jamming a
huge rod up your backside,

638
00:27:16,445 --> 00:27:18,113
you slowly pop one in at a time

639
00:27:18,147 --> 00:27:20,316
until you get used to the
sensation.

640
00:27:20,349 --> 00:27:21,850
Ah. Here we go.

641
00:27:23,052 --> 00:27:24,553
Anything smaller than that?

642
00:27:24,586 --> 00:27:29,358
Honey, anything smaller is
not gonna get the job done.

643
00:27:29,391 --> 00:27:31,060
What job is she talking about?

644
00:27:31,093 --> 00:27:33,996
I have no idea, but I'm
sure she's better at it

645
00:27:34,029 --> 00:27:35,097
than I'll ever be.

646
00:27:36,198 --> 00:27:37,499
Here. This'll help.

647
00:27:37,533 --> 00:27:40,135
How, what, where?

648
00:27:40,169 --> 00:27:41,470
It's your hands-free friend!

649
00:27:41,503 --> 00:27:44,573
You hop in the shower,
stick this guy on the wall,

650
00:27:44,606 --> 00:27:46,275
and back up onto it.

651
00:27:46,308 --> 00:27:47,176
Beep!

652
00:27:48,177 --> 00:27:49,111
Beep!

653
00:27:49,144 --> 00:27:51,313
You know way too much about
this stuff.

654
00:27:51,347 --> 00:27:53,082
It's called being single and
40.

655
00:27:53,115 --> 00:27:54,550
Oh!

656
00:27:54,583 --> 00:27:57,519
You're definitely gonna want
this as well.

657
00:27:57,553 --> 00:28:00,356
It's the best water-based
lube on the market.

658
00:28:00,389 --> 00:28:03,125
Jesus! It's Costco-sized.

659
00:28:03,158 --> 00:28:04,593
And a hand-pump?

660
00:28:04,626 --> 00:28:06,995
In case you have friends over!

661
00:28:07,029 --> 00:28:09,398
[Jen gasping]

662
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,502
Should I even ask?

663
00:28:14,470 --> 00:28:16,972
You need this.

664
00:28:17,005 --> 00:28:19,308
It will help you let
go of your frustrations

665
00:28:19,341 --> 00:28:22,144
and embrace your wilder
impulses.

666
00:28:22,177 --> 00:28:24,246
You'll go from titmouse to
tiger.

667
00:28:26,081 --> 00:28:29,184
It's portable pleasure,
and the USB connector

668
00:28:29,218 --> 00:28:30,986
makes it easy to charge.

669
00:28:31,019 --> 00:28:34,323
When I'm having a crappy day
at work, I'll sit at my desk,

670
00:28:34,356 --> 00:28:37,059
plug this into the computer and
kick back.

671
00:28:37,092 --> 00:28:38,961
Ooh, so when you
connect to the internet,

672
00:28:38,994 --> 00:28:40,496
you like, really connect.

673
00:28:40,529 --> 00:28:41,663
It's great in the car too.

674
00:28:41,698 --> 00:28:46,001
This little bad boy makes
Seattle traffic bearable.

675
00:28:46,034 --> 00:28:47,704
Isn't that illegal or
something?

676
00:28:47,737 --> 00:28:50,939
While I can confirm that
cell phone usage in the car

677
00:28:50,973 --> 00:28:54,610
is illegal, hands-free devices
are well within the law.

678
00:28:55,678 --> 00:28:57,279
Okay, I think we've got enough
stuff.

679
00:28:57,312 --> 00:28:58,715
Can we go now?

680
00:28:58,748 --> 00:29:00,315
Not yet.

681
00:29:00,349 --> 00:29:03,118
If you're really gonna
go through with this,

682
00:29:03,152 --> 00:29:04,486
you need to dress for it.

683
00:29:05,722 --> 00:29:07,956
Nightie-type stuff from this
store?

684
00:29:07,990 --> 00:29:08,892
Yeah, I don't think so.

685
00:29:08,924 --> 00:29:10,526
Hey, the more excited you can
get Frank,

686
00:29:10,559 --> 00:29:13,195
the quicker the whole experience
will be.

687
00:29:13,228 --> 00:29:14,096
Whoo!

688
00:29:15,431 --> 00:29:16,733
All right, let's see what
they've got.

689
00:29:16,766 --> 00:29:19,435
[upbeat music]

690
00:29:26,375 --> 00:29:29,378
♪ And I'm on a roll ♪

691
00:29:35,117 --> 00:29:36,351
Hey, honey!

692
00:29:36,385 --> 00:29:37,687
Where is everyone?

693
00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:40,088
Buzz is asleep, dad's in the
bedroom,

694
00:29:40,122 --> 00:29:41,490
and Teddy's out having coffee

695
00:29:41,523 --> 00:29:43,158
with a cheerleader from school.

696
00:29:43,192 --> 00:29:44,026
Really?

697
00:29:44,059 --> 00:29:45,394
Yeah, right.

698
00:29:45,427 --> 00:29:47,262
He's downstairs on his computer.

699
00:29:47,296 --> 00:29:48,363
Of course.

700
00:29:48,397 --> 00:29:51,266
You know, speaking of hot dates,

701
00:29:51,300 --> 00:29:53,302
the PTA sent out their
newsletter.

702
00:29:53,335 --> 00:29:55,471
Spring formal next month.

703
00:29:55,504 --> 00:29:57,639
Yeah? You ready to go shopping?

704
00:29:57,673 --> 00:29:58,775
Yeah?

705
00:29:58,808 --> 00:30:00,476
Okay. Sure.

706
00:30:02,779 --> 00:30:04,246
Yeah! Awesome!

707
00:30:16,525 --> 00:30:17,459
Ew.

708
00:30:17,493 --> 00:30:18,728
That smell is still here.

709
00:30:18,761 --> 00:30:20,629
Did you check for mold like I
asked?

710
00:30:20,662 --> 00:30:22,799
There's no mold, and
the smell's not that bad.

711
00:30:22,832 --> 00:30:24,701
Just buy a few candles.

712
00:30:24,734 --> 00:30:26,034
Way ahead of you!

713
00:30:27,202 --> 00:30:28,003
Ta-dah!

714
00:30:28,036 --> 00:30:30,439
One lovely cucumber-scented
candle.

715
00:30:30,472 --> 00:30:32,307
Awesome, 'cause there's
nothing sexier

716
00:30:32,341 --> 00:30:33,642
than the smell of salad.

717
00:30:35,845 --> 00:30:36,980
How did the writing go?

718
00:30:37,012 --> 00:30:39,281
Between helping the kids
with homework, feeding them,

719
00:30:39,314 --> 00:30:42,351
and driving them around, I
may have gotten 30 minutes

720
00:30:42,384 --> 00:30:43,218
of writing in.

721
00:30:43,252 --> 00:30:45,454
Kids, hmph. We should get rid
of them.

722
00:30:45,487 --> 00:30:46,522
It's not just that.

723
00:30:46,555 --> 00:30:49,157
I'm just realizing the
stuff I submitted is shit.

724
00:30:49,191 --> 00:30:51,059
Well, I mean, honey,
it can't be that bad.

725
00:30:51,093 --> 00:30:52,427
They did pick you for the
contest.

726
00:30:52,461 --> 00:30:53,662
It was good enough to get me
in,

727
00:30:53,696 --> 00:30:55,597
but I'm not gonna win with this.

728
00:30:55,631 --> 00:30:58,100
My characters need a complete
overhaul.

729
00:30:58,133 --> 00:30:59,769
I mean, I'm still making the
same mistakes

730
00:30:59,802 --> 00:31:02,571
Molly and my fellow classmates
would harass me for.

731
00:31:02,604 --> 00:31:04,807
I'm writing nice-guy fiction.

732
00:31:04,841 --> 00:31:06,743
And I still like nice guys.

733
00:31:06,776 --> 00:31:07,676
I've gotta go darker.

734
00:31:07,710 --> 00:31:10,279
It's like, my main character
should have

735
00:31:10,312 --> 00:31:11,547
some kind of addiction.

736
00:31:11,580 --> 00:31:13,315
And the woman he's with,

737
00:31:13,348 --> 00:31:15,718
maybe she went through
some kind of trauma?

738
00:31:15,752 --> 00:31:16,886
Gee, fun.

739
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:18,855
And maybe they can have a
blind three-legged dog too.

740
00:31:18,888 --> 00:31:20,222
I don't know.

741
00:31:21,758 --> 00:31:24,560
Maybe I'll take next week
off so I can focus on it.

742
00:31:24,593 --> 00:31:26,428
Wait. What?

743
00:31:26,461 --> 00:31:28,430
Don't you need your vacation
days for Crater Lake?

744
00:31:28,463 --> 00:31:29,799
I think this is a
little bit more important

745
00:31:29,832 --> 00:31:31,533
than a trip to Oregon.

746
00:31:31,567 --> 00:31:34,169
Frank, honey, that
is our family vacation.

747
00:31:34,202 --> 00:31:35,671
I don't think you should give up
that time

748
00:31:35,705 --> 00:31:37,673
for some long shot possibility.

749
00:31:37,707 --> 00:31:39,441
Long shot.

750
00:31:39,474 --> 00:31:40,843
Nice.

751
00:31:40,877 --> 00:31:42,812
I knew you didn't think I
had a chance of winning.

752
00:31:42,845 --> 00:31:43,813
No! You!

753
00:31:43,846 --> 00:31:45,581
You were the one that
said winning Pitchfest

754
00:31:45,614 --> 00:31:46,683
was a long shot.

755
00:31:46,716 --> 00:31:47,750
I just don't think it's smart

756
00:31:47,784 --> 00:31:49,551
to give up family time to write.

757
00:31:49,585 --> 00:31:50,720
Family time?

758
00:31:50,753 --> 00:31:52,822
My whole life is family time,
okay?

759
00:31:52,855 --> 00:31:55,792
I eat, breathe and shit family
time!

760
00:31:55,825 --> 00:31:57,827
I get a little spare time at
work to write

761
00:31:57,860 --> 00:32:00,462
and maybe I get half hour
in the evening's here

762
00:32:00,495 --> 00:32:01,663
if I'm not exhausted,

763
00:32:01,698 --> 00:32:05,400
but if writing's supposed to
be my spare time activity,

764
00:32:05,434 --> 00:32:07,269
I should just give up now.

765
00:32:08,604 --> 00:32:11,440
Do you wanna go back
to the way things were?

766
00:32:11,473 --> 00:32:12,909
When writing was your main focus

767
00:32:12,942 --> 00:32:15,544
and I was your spare time
activity?

768
00:32:15,577 --> 00:32:17,379
I know you still think about
those times.

769
00:32:17,412 --> 00:32:19,314
Why does your mind even go
there?

770
00:32:19,348 --> 00:32:21,617
Look, my life was on
a certain path, okay?

771
00:32:21,650 --> 00:32:24,921
And then, all of a sudden, it
was forced onto another path.

772
00:32:24,954 --> 00:32:26,723
Oh, so I forced you?

773
00:32:26,756 --> 00:32:28,290
I don't mean forced.

774
00:32:28,323 --> 00:32:29,524
I mean, I had to make a choice.

775
00:32:29,558 --> 00:32:31,493
No, no, no, you said forced.

776
00:32:31,526 --> 00:32:32,695
You think I forced you.

777
00:32:32,729 --> 00:32:35,297
And now, everything
after that is my fault.

778
00:32:35,330 --> 00:32:36,298
You blame me.

779
00:32:36,331 --> 00:32:39,769
No wonder you guilted
me into this weird bet.

780
00:32:39,802 --> 00:32:41,370
Guilted you?

781
00:32:41,403 --> 00:32:42,705
The bet was your idea.

782
00:32:42,739 --> 00:32:44,841
You're just freaking out
because you might have to do

783
00:32:44,874 --> 00:32:45,708
something that doesn't fit

784
00:32:45,742 --> 00:32:47,442
into your narrow definition of
normal,

785
00:32:47,476 --> 00:32:49,712
which includes everything
from role-playing

786
00:32:49,746 --> 00:32:51,546
"Game of Thrones" in the bedroom

787
00:32:51,580 --> 00:32:54,516
to people who call
writing an actual career.

788
00:32:54,549 --> 00:32:56,284
And there's the blame again.

789
00:32:56,318 --> 00:32:58,353
It's not about blame, okay?

790
00:32:58,387 --> 00:33:00,522
It's about choices, and I had to
make one.

791
00:33:00,555 --> 00:33:02,725
It was either a potential
career in writing,

792
00:33:02,759 --> 00:33:05,227
or an actual family with
you that would bring me

793
00:33:05,260 --> 00:33:06,595
so much joy and happiness,

794
00:33:06,628 --> 00:33:09,264
it would leak out my freaking
ass!

795
00:33:09,297 --> 00:33:11,400
Daddy said the A-word.

796
00:33:12,567 --> 00:33:14,369
Sorry, Buzzy. You're right.

797
00:33:14,403 --> 00:33:15,872
I should've said I have a lot of
happiness

798
00:33:15,905 --> 00:33:17,807
coming outta my heinie.

799
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:19,274
What are you doing up?

800
00:33:19,307 --> 00:33:21,576
You and mommy were being loud.

801
00:33:21,610 --> 00:33:23,211
I'm sorry about that, bud.

802
00:33:23,245 --> 00:33:24,646
We'll try and be quieter, okay?

803
00:33:24,681 --> 00:33:26,883
Why don't you hop back in
bed and I'll tuck you in?

804
00:33:29,651 --> 00:33:31,319
Go on.

805
00:33:31,353 --> 00:33:34,222
[soft music]

806
00:33:34,256 --> 00:33:34,957
I'm sorry.

807
00:33:34,991 --> 00:33:36,625
I'm just stressed.

808
00:33:36,658 --> 00:33:39,796
And you're right, I'm not
gonna use my vacation time.

809
00:33:39,829 --> 00:33:41,229
I'll save it for the summer.

810
00:33:41,263 --> 00:33:42,531
Okay. Thanks, honey.

811
00:33:43,432 --> 00:33:45,667
And I promise I'm gonna try and
give you

812
00:33:45,702 --> 00:33:47,970
as much spare time as you need,
okay?

813
00:33:48,004 --> 00:33:49,604
Okay.

814
00:33:49,638 --> 00:33:51,406
We're good, right?

815
00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:52,641
Yeah, of course.

816
00:33:52,674 --> 00:33:54,443
You, me, and the kids.

817
00:33:56,545 --> 00:33:59,882
Buzz stopped wetting his bed
and I got into Pitchfest,

818
00:33:59,916 --> 00:34:03,385
and none of us own selfie
sticks.

819
00:34:03,418 --> 00:34:05,654
It's like I said, we're taffy.

820
00:34:05,688 --> 00:34:06,889
Nuts and all.

821
00:34:18,567 --> 00:34:20,770
And then he gave me a hard
time about my view of normal.

822
00:34:20,803 --> 00:34:23,505
I mean, why is normal so bad?

823
00:34:23,538 --> 00:34:26,743
I like cooking and watching
network television,

824
00:34:26,776 --> 00:34:28,543
and taking care of my family.

825
00:34:28,577 --> 00:34:31,379
Maybe I get anxious
outside my comfort zone,

826
00:34:31,413 --> 00:34:33,482
but it's dangerous out there!

827
00:34:34,483 --> 00:34:37,486
Oh God, why did I make this bet?

828
00:34:37,519 --> 00:34:39,488
Relax. It's gonna be fine.

829
00:34:40,489 --> 00:34:41,891
Also, there are a lot of good
things

830
00:34:41,924 --> 00:34:44,994
outside of your comfort
zone, like water slides

831
00:34:45,027 --> 00:34:47,797
and edible body paints and
Groupons

832
00:34:47,830 --> 00:34:49,531
for pole dancing classes.

833
00:34:49,564 --> 00:34:51,566
You never know what you're
missing until you try it.

834
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:52,935
As a matter of fact, why don't
you look

835
00:34:52,969 --> 00:34:54,636
inside your glove compartment.

836
00:35:00,475 --> 00:35:02,644
I thought I put this back on
the shelf?

837
00:35:02,678 --> 00:35:05,447
Yeah, Meg and I corrected that
mistake.

838
00:35:06,381 --> 00:35:08,450
But I'm at Buzz's school.

839
00:35:08,483 --> 00:35:09,952
You have five minutes until
he's out.

840
00:35:09,986 --> 00:35:11,419
Why don't you take this
opportunity

841
00:35:11,453 --> 00:35:13,488
to get out of your comfort zone,

842
00:35:13,522 --> 00:35:16,658
and get into a really comfy
zone.

843
00:35:16,692 --> 00:35:18,426
Ta-ta, my sweet titmouse!

844
00:35:21,864 --> 00:35:22,965
Okay.

845
00:35:22,999 --> 00:35:24,834
Carpe-freakin-diem!

846
00:35:30,605 --> 00:35:32,407
[kiddie music]

847
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:35,343
[sensual music]

848
00:35:39,447 --> 00:35:40,649
[click]

849
00:35:40,683 --> 00:35:42,885
[vibrator buzzing]

850
00:35:42,919 --> 00:35:43,753
Oh. Oh!

851
00:35:44,821 --> 00:35:45,688
Oh, okay.

852
00:35:46,823 --> 00:35:47,890
This is so...

853
00:35:48,991 --> 00:35:49,859
Ooh!

854
00:35:52,128 --> 00:35:52,995
Yes.

855
00:35:54,130 --> 00:35:55,298
I'll just...

856
00:35:58,835 --> 00:36:00,837
[moans]

857
00:36:10,545 --> 00:36:12,114
Hey, sleepy head! Did I wake
you?

858
00:36:12,148 --> 00:36:13,481
Uh, no!

859
00:36:13,515 --> 00:36:15,383
You're so lucky you have time
to nap.

860
00:36:15,417 --> 00:36:16,919
Me, between work and
volunteering...

861
00:36:16,953 --> 00:36:21,123
Christy, was there
something that you neeeed?

862
00:36:21,157 --> 00:36:23,826
Oh, we just wanted to
talk about the bake sale!

863
00:36:23,860 --> 00:36:26,062
This might not be the best
time.

864
00:36:26,095 --> 00:36:27,429
It'll just take one second.

865
00:36:27,462 --> 00:36:29,999
I'm going around to all parents
to...

866
00:36:30,032 --> 00:36:31,767
Is that a fly in the car?

867
00:36:32,902 --> 00:36:33,803
I hear...

868
00:36:33,836 --> 00:36:34,669
My phone!

869
00:36:34,704 --> 00:36:36,471
My phone is on vibrate.

870
00:36:39,474 --> 00:36:40,743
[bell rings]

871
00:36:40,776 --> 00:36:42,945
Looks like the kids are loose!

872
00:36:42,979 --> 00:36:44,546
Anyhow, I just wanted to remind
you...

873
00:36:44,579 --> 00:36:47,649
Mommy! Mommy! Mrs. Burke
called on me...

874
00:36:47,683 --> 00:36:48,684
Ow!

875
00:36:48,718 --> 00:36:49,986
[Buzz crying]

876
00:36:50,019 --> 00:36:52,121
Aren't you gonna help him?

877
00:36:52,154 --> 00:36:53,856
I, uhhh...

878
00:36:53,890 --> 00:36:55,992
Frank! Frank wanted to, um...

879
00:36:56,959 --> 00:37:00,562
The kids to, uh, first aid
themselves..?

880
00:37:01,663 --> 00:37:02,765
You'll be fine, Buzzy!

881
00:37:02,798 --> 00:37:05,467
Brush it off and get in the car!

882
00:37:05,500 --> 00:37:07,669
I'm bleeding!

883
00:37:07,703 --> 00:37:10,907
Well, you may have promised
Frank, but we didn't.

884
00:37:11,874 --> 00:37:13,142
[vibrator buzzing stops]

885
00:37:13,175 --> 00:37:16,611
[Buzz] It feels like I'm
dying, mom.

886
00:37:24,253 --> 00:37:26,055
Thank you so much.

887
00:37:27,256 --> 00:37:29,859
Frank wanted, uh, it's Frank's
fault!

888
00:37:29,892 --> 00:37:31,060
[cell rings]

889
00:37:31,093 --> 00:37:33,963
Oh, you know what? That is him
now.

890
00:37:33,996 --> 00:37:35,932
I am gonna give him an earful.

891
00:37:37,166 --> 00:37:38,701
'Kay. Bye!

892
00:37:39,869 --> 00:37:41,536
♪ Cheatin' anymore ♪

893
00:37:41,569 --> 00:37:43,571
I thought her phone was on
vibrate.

894
00:37:45,975 --> 00:37:47,076
Hey, you two!

895
00:37:47,109 --> 00:37:50,112
I got home from work early
today and, oh my goodness!

896
00:37:50,146 --> 00:37:51,948
Rocket Pop!

897
00:37:51,981 --> 00:37:53,683
Yeah.

898
00:37:53,716 --> 00:37:54,582
Okay.

899
00:37:55,751 --> 00:37:57,153
Don't ask.

900
00:37:57,186 --> 00:38:00,022
If Child Protective Services
calls, I'm not here.

901
00:38:02,792 --> 00:38:03,625
Okay.

902
00:38:16,005 --> 00:38:17,707
[upbeat music]
Hey, blog readers!

903
00:38:17,740 --> 00:38:20,608
I am happy to report that
there are now over 500 of you

904
00:38:20,642 --> 00:38:22,577
subscribed to this blog's feed.

905
00:38:22,610 --> 00:38:23,813
Thank you.

906
00:38:23,846 --> 00:38:26,716
You've been a bright spot in
an otherwise challenging time.

907
00:38:26,749 --> 00:38:29,885
Between the diet, working on
the pitch and life in general,

908
00:38:29,919 --> 00:38:31,754
things haven't been too fun.

909
00:38:31,787 --> 00:38:33,521
♪ I don't know what you got ♪

910
00:38:33,555 --> 00:38:36,192
♪ But I hear that it's going
around ♪

911
00:38:37,193 --> 00:38:40,196
- She was shaking like...
- You heard buzzing?

912
00:38:41,563 --> 00:38:44,066
It all reminds me of this
time I met a Hollywood producer

913
00:38:44,100 --> 00:38:45,667
just after college.

914
00:38:46,601 --> 00:38:48,037
Because I was recently married,

915
00:38:48,070 --> 00:38:51,639
we talked a bit about our
spouses; he was on his third.

916
00:38:53,009 --> 00:38:54,777
He threw his arm around me and
told me

917
00:38:54,810 --> 00:38:58,981
I could have a great career or
a great family, but not both.

918
00:38:59,015 --> 00:39:00,983
And that I had to make peace
with that.

919
00:39:02,617 --> 00:39:04,652
Back then, I thought he was full
of shit.

920
00:39:05,721 --> 00:39:06,588
Now?

921
00:39:07,823 --> 00:39:12,094
I think about it, and what he
said makes my stomach hurt.

922
00:39:12,128 --> 00:39:14,930
♪ Going around ♪

923
00:39:14,964 --> 00:39:17,266
No. Mankind is counting on
you.

924
00:39:22,805 --> 00:39:24,774
No! You'll thank me later!

925
00:39:30,146 --> 00:39:31,814
What the fuck!

926
00:39:31,847 --> 00:39:32,815
Thank you.

927
00:39:35,617 --> 00:39:37,753
♪ This itch that I've got won't
stop ♪

928
00:39:37,787 --> 00:39:39,055
♪ or slow me down ♪

929
00:39:39,088 --> 00:39:40,089
Come on!

930
00:39:41,690 --> 00:39:42,925
Oh, God!

931
00:39:44,060 --> 00:39:47,730
♪ 'cause I'm going around ♪

932
00:39:53,402 --> 00:39:56,305
It seems like a choice
between family and career

933
00:39:56,338 --> 00:40:00,642
is obvious, and it is, but well,

934
00:40:00,675 --> 00:40:04,847
just because it's obvious
doesn't mean it's easy.

935
00:40:07,283 --> 00:40:09,685
They say that no one on
their deathbed ever wishes

936
00:40:09,718 --> 00:40:12,288
for one more day of work over
family.

937
00:40:12,321 --> 00:40:16,158
But what if that person
was only a day away

938
00:40:16,192 --> 00:40:19,128
from creating a masterpiece
that would last forever?

939
00:40:21,864 --> 00:40:23,631
I mean, how many of you

940
00:40:23,665 --> 00:40:26,102
can name something Shakespeare
wrote?

941
00:40:26,135 --> 00:40:29,604
Okay, now tell me the
name of one of his kids.

942
00:40:32,208 --> 00:40:34,043
Yeah, I know.

943
00:40:34,076 --> 00:40:37,780
It's a dick thing to say,
but you've gotta admit,

944
00:40:37,813 --> 00:40:39,614
the point's still valid.

945
00:40:51,861 --> 00:40:53,729
Okay guys, Pitchfest is
tomorrow.

946
00:40:53,762 --> 00:40:54,997
I need your help.

947
00:40:55,030 --> 00:40:57,433
Oh, so you figured out your
dark and troubling character?

948
00:40:57,466 --> 00:40:58,367
Yes!

949
00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:01,770
It's this guy who's had a rough
childhood.

950
00:41:03,172 --> 00:41:06,942
It's like "Citizen Kane,"
except the sled's a hedgehog.

951
00:41:06,976 --> 00:41:09,378
And I threw a dash of Old Yeller
in there

952
00:41:09,411 --> 00:41:10,446
just for good measure.

953
00:41:10,479 --> 00:41:13,816
I don't know if that's
as much dark as it is sad.

954
00:41:13,849 --> 00:41:16,152
No, it's dark.

955
00:41:16,185 --> 00:41:18,087
It's dark.

956
00:41:19,188 --> 00:41:21,090
I've gotta work on my
writing sample today,

957
00:41:21,123 --> 00:41:24,160
so you guys cover for me and
I'll make it up to you later.

958
00:41:26,195 --> 00:41:27,930
What's going on, guys?

959
00:41:30,900 --> 00:41:33,102
For the record, this is all
Cam's doing.

960
00:41:36,805 --> 00:41:39,341
What? It's just the Reddit
front page.

961
00:41:39,375 --> 00:41:41,043
Look at the number one thread.

962
00:41:43,279 --> 00:41:45,181
Cameron, prepare to die.

963
00:41:45,214 --> 00:41:46,048
Wait, wait, wait!

964
00:41:46,081 --> 00:41:47,116
Lemme explain!

965
00:41:47,149 --> 00:41:48,250
Meg and I were talking
about the bet, all right?

966
00:41:48,284 --> 00:41:50,286
And she didn't think that
most guys would be willing

967
00:41:50,319 --> 00:41:52,454
to starve themselves for the
prize that you're getting.

968
00:41:52,488 --> 00:41:56,292
So I was curious, and I
made a post about your blog.

969
00:41:56,325 --> 00:41:57,893
The thread's blown up since
then!

970
00:41:57,927 --> 00:42:00,262
Look, it's 42,000 views!

971
00:42:00,296 --> 00:42:01,130
42,000?

972
00:42:01,163 --> 00:42:03,265
Yeah! Surprised the crap outta
me too.

973
00:42:03,299 --> 00:42:04,400
Maybe you'll be a meme.

974
00:42:04,433 --> 00:42:07,303
Yeah, I don't think Laura'd
be too happy about that.

975
00:42:07,336 --> 00:42:11,073
You didn't post this using
my real name, did you?

976
00:42:12,374 --> 00:42:13,976
Just your first name.

977
00:42:14,009 --> 00:42:15,377
Are you freaking high?

978
00:42:15,411 --> 00:42:16,545
Calm down.

979
00:42:16,579 --> 00:42:18,981
I doubt Laura and the girls
even know what Reddit is.

980
00:42:19,014 --> 00:42:20,816
Hell, if they Googled "Frank
butt sex"

981
00:42:20,849 --> 00:42:23,152
they'd just be one of 1,000
results.

982
00:42:24,954 --> 00:42:28,390
3,780,000 results, actually.

983
00:42:28,424 --> 00:42:31,227
Paul, you should probably clear
your browser history later.

984
00:42:31,260 --> 00:42:32,328
Frank, all you've ever wanted

985
00:42:32,361 --> 00:42:35,064
was for people to read your
stuff, and now they are!

986
00:42:35,097 --> 00:42:37,132
Tons of them have left
questions for you too.

987
00:42:37,166 --> 00:42:38,834
Come on, take a few minutes.

988
00:42:38,867 --> 00:42:40,436
Your adoring fans await!

989
00:42:41,337 --> 00:42:43,072
Yeah, you know what?

990
00:42:43,105 --> 00:42:45,074
I've gotta work on my pitch.

991
00:42:45,107 --> 00:42:47,309
You did this. You answer their
questions.

992
00:42:47,343 --> 00:42:48,544
Seriously?

993
00:42:48,577 --> 00:42:49,511
Go for it.

994
00:42:56,919 --> 00:42:58,454
I don't think that word's
right.

995
00:42:58,487 --> 00:43:00,155
That's definitely a guy thing.

996
00:43:00,189 --> 00:43:01,357
What?

997
00:43:01,390 --> 00:43:03,058
That wouldn't make any sense.

998
00:43:03,092 --> 00:43:05,327
Frank, when you take your love
rocket

999
00:43:05,361 --> 00:43:07,997
and you put it in her shuttle
bay, that's docking, right?

1000
00:43:09,198 --> 00:43:10,332
Scoot over.

1001
00:43:14,937 --> 00:43:17,039
Oh, that makes much more
sense.

1002
00:43:17,072 --> 00:43:18,841
Okay, what about the next one?

1003
00:43:19,575 --> 00:43:24,546
♪ Say hello to my new friend ♪

1004
00:43:24,580 --> 00:43:29,885
♪ She's come a long, long way ♪

1005
00:43:29,918 --> 00:43:34,923
♪ Spent half her life in a town
where ♪

1006
00:43:35,124 --> 00:43:40,095
♪ I wouldn't last half a day ♪

1007
00:43:42,564 --> 00:43:44,433
♪ Check it out ♪

1008
00:43:50,606 --> 00:43:55,878
♪ Her style is hers alone ♪

1009
00:43:55,911 --> 00:43:59,948
♪ She'll charm the snow off a
snow man ♪

1010
00:43:59,982 --> 00:44:01,517
Why is this so hard?

1011
00:44:06,655 --> 00:44:08,557
Molly fucking Young!

1012
00:44:09,658 --> 00:44:10,526
Fuck!

1013
00:44:14,129 --> 00:44:15,397
Fuck!

1014
00:44:15,431 --> 00:44:16,298
Goddammit!

1015
00:44:20,669 --> 00:44:21,537
Goddammit!

1016
00:44:37,687 --> 00:44:38,921
Watch it!

1017
00:44:38,954 --> 00:44:40,222
The Mighty, Mighty Starbrite's
on

1018
00:44:40,255 --> 00:44:41,523
and she's gonna fight the Taco
King

1019
00:44:41,557 --> 00:44:43,058
and we find out who her mom is!

1020
00:44:43,092 --> 00:44:45,027
Come on, Annie!

1021
00:44:45,060 --> 00:44:45,928
Okay.

1022
00:44:47,229 --> 00:44:48,197
Are you okay, dad?

1023
00:44:48,230 --> 00:44:49,465
What did you do?

1024
00:44:49,498 --> 00:44:50,432
I kicked a chair.

1025
00:44:51,701 --> 00:44:52,968
Smart.

1026
00:45:00,075 --> 00:45:01,610
What the hell happened here?

1027
00:45:01,643 --> 00:45:03,445
That smell! It's driving me
nuts.

1028
00:45:03,479 --> 00:45:05,914
I'm sure it's mold.
Will you help me search?

1029
00:45:05,948 --> 00:45:06,648
Are you kidding?

1030
00:45:06,683 --> 00:45:08,350
I don't have time for this!

1031
00:45:08,384 --> 00:45:10,586
I've gotta pitch tomorrow and...

1032
00:45:10,619 --> 00:45:11,487
Goddangit!

1033
00:45:12,354 --> 00:45:13,222
What happened?

1034
00:45:15,324 --> 00:45:16,693
I tripped.

1035
00:45:16,726 --> 00:45:17,794
Hurts like hell.

1036
00:45:17,827 --> 00:45:20,529
Maybe we should get a
mold specialist to come out.

1037
00:45:20,562 --> 00:45:22,531
I'm not paying for some
guy to tear apart our house

1038
00:45:22,564 --> 00:45:24,533
'cause there's a barely
noticeable smell.

1039
00:45:24,566 --> 00:45:28,103
That smell has gotten worse
over the last few weeks.

1040
00:45:28,137 --> 00:45:30,239
What if we have spores?

1041
00:45:30,272 --> 00:45:31,708
Our family could be infected!

1042
00:45:31,741 --> 00:45:34,443
I am making us all doctor's
appointments for next week too.

1043
00:45:34,476 --> 00:45:37,312
Would you just fucking stop?

1044
00:45:37,346 --> 00:45:38,947
God!

1045
00:45:38,981 --> 00:45:41,383
Look, I just found out that
Molly

1046
00:45:41,417 --> 00:45:43,552
is gonna be a judge at
Pitchfest.

1047
00:45:43,585 --> 00:45:45,988
So I don't have time to
humor your little delusions.

1048
00:45:46,021 --> 00:45:48,357
There's no fungus, there's no
spores.

1049
00:45:48,390 --> 00:45:50,426
Mushrooms could be growing
out of our kids' asses

1050
00:45:50,459 --> 00:45:51,560
and it would still need to wait

1051
00:45:51,593 --> 00:45:53,595
till I figure out how to fix my
pitch

1052
00:45:53,629 --> 00:45:55,230
so Molly might like it!

1053
00:45:58,100 --> 00:45:58,967
Move.

1054
00:45:59,769 --> 00:46:01,170
I'm making the bed.

1055
00:46:01,203 --> 00:46:04,606
You go do whatever it
is that you need to do.

1056
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:05,541
Look, just let me help you.

1057
00:46:05,574 --> 00:46:07,242
- No, I don't want your help.
- Come on.

1058
00:46:07,276 --> 00:46:08,644
Just leave.

1059
00:46:09,746 --> 00:46:10,612
Oh God!

1060
00:46:12,581 --> 00:46:13,515
Are you okay?

1061
00:46:13,549 --> 00:46:14,684
Yeah, great.

1062
00:46:14,717 --> 00:46:17,019
Just take...

1063
00:46:17,052 --> 00:46:18,120
What the..?

1064
00:46:20,456 --> 00:46:21,590
There's piss on these!

1065
00:46:21,623 --> 00:46:23,492
I told you I smelled
something!

1066
00:46:23,525 --> 00:46:25,294
That little weasel's been
lying to us!

1067
00:46:25,327 --> 00:46:27,329
Well, with all the pressure
you've been putting on him,

1068
00:46:27,362 --> 00:46:28,230
of course he has.

1069
00:46:28,263 --> 00:46:29,198
He's only six.

1070
00:46:29,231 --> 00:46:30,399
I don't care!

1071
00:46:30,432 --> 00:46:32,267
Buzz lied. He knew the deal.

1072
00:46:32,301 --> 00:46:33,435
No birthday!

1073
00:46:33,469 --> 00:46:36,038
What? Frank, wait, we need
to talk about this first.

1074
00:46:36,071 --> 00:46:37,005
Frank!

1075
00:46:37,039 --> 00:46:38,775
- Buzz! Buzz!
- Frank, will you slow down?

1076
00:46:38,808 --> 00:46:40,409
We need to talk about this.

1077
00:46:40,442 --> 00:46:42,010
Will you stop?

1078
00:46:42,044 --> 00:46:44,714
Jeez! God, you're insane, you
know that?

1079
00:46:44,747 --> 00:46:47,049
You've got this big fear
of how everybody sees you,

1080
00:46:47,082 --> 00:46:49,151
so you just want
everything to look normal.

1081
00:46:49,184 --> 00:46:51,353
But in doing that, you
just bounce back and forth

1082
00:46:51,386 --> 00:46:54,490
between boring and psycho!

1083
00:46:54,523 --> 00:46:56,793
Well, at least I don't spend
my days

1084
00:46:56,826 --> 00:46:59,595
making everybody else miserable!

1085
00:46:59,628 --> 00:47:02,664
God! You are so blind, Frank!

1086
00:47:02,699 --> 00:47:05,300
You can't even see how
amazing your own family is

1087
00:47:05,334 --> 00:47:06,703
right in front of your face.

1088
00:47:06,736 --> 00:47:09,238
I thought writers were
supposed to be observant.

1089
00:47:09,271 --> 00:47:13,275
That must make you a real shitty
one.

1090
00:47:13,308 --> 00:47:15,778
[gentle music]

1091
00:47:20,717 --> 00:47:21,583
[door slams]

1092
00:47:29,358 --> 00:47:31,226
Cameron, dude, I'm coming
over.

1093
00:47:31,260 --> 00:47:32,528
I'm sore, hungry, and pissed,

1094
00:47:32,561 --> 00:47:35,197
so you better have some alcohol
ready.

1095
00:47:35,230 --> 00:47:37,332
Oh yeah, and tell Meg
to hide in the bedroom,

1096
00:47:37,366 --> 00:47:40,536
'cause I'm gonna vent about
Laura and I'm not holding back.

1097
00:47:40,569 --> 00:47:42,137
[phone vibrating]

1098
00:47:42,170 --> 00:47:44,707
Shit. No, she's calling on the
other line.

1099
00:47:46,542 --> 00:47:49,177
No, I'm not gonna answer.

1100
00:47:49,211 --> 00:47:50,813
Look, I'm gonna go radio silent.

1101
00:47:52,147 --> 00:47:53,750
Yeah, great. I'll see you in a
few.

1102
00:47:57,720 --> 00:48:00,589
[whimsical music]

1103
00:48:10,165 --> 00:48:11,567
Nice place you got here, Cam.

1104
00:48:11,600 --> 00:48:13,302
Very Norman Bates.

1105
00:48:13,335 --> 00:48:15,237
That's Master Bates to you,
sir.

1106
00:48:17,539 --> 00:48:19,508
That's diet grape soda and
vodka.

1107
00:48:19,541 --> 00:48:21,143
I'm not letting you ruin your
diet

1108
00:48:21,176 --> 00:48:22,377
just 'cause you're in a mood.

1109
00:48:22,411 --> 00:48:24,613
Like the bet's still on after
everything that's happened.

1110
00:48:24,646 --> 00:48:26,783
Dude, no! It has to happen.

1111
00:48:26,816 --> 00:48:28,150
Beg for forgiveness!

1112
00:48:28,183 --> 00:48:29,786
Me? After what she said?

1113
00:48:29,819 --> 00:48:32,220
Come on, it doesn't matter
who's at fault, you know that.

1114
00:48:32,254 --> 00:48:34,122
Women say crazy shit all the
time.

1115
00:48:34,156 --> 00:48:35,090
We just apologize

1116
00:48:35,123 --> 00:48:38,427
and then we bang out
our frustrations later.

1117
00:48:38,460 --> 00:48:40,697
It's part of our genetical code.

1118
00:48:40,730 --> 00:48:43,833
You know, I am often glad
you've never reproduced.

1119
00:48:43,866 --> 00:48:45,434
Aw, thanks buddy!

1120
00:48:45,467 --> 00:48:46,635
I don't even know if I'm more
pissed

1121
00:48:46,668 --> 00:48:49,806
about being called a shitty
husband or a shitty writer.

1122
00:48:49,839 --> 00:48:50,907
Is that sad?

1123
00:48:50,940 --> 00:48:51,874
- [phone rings]
- Yes.

1124
00:48:51,908 --> 00:48:55,778
Now say you're sorry so I can
visit Uranus

1125
00:48:55,812 --> 00:48:57,412
vicariously through you.

1126
00:48:57,446 --> 00:48:58,313
Hello?

1127
00:48:59,648 --> 00:49:00,750
Yeah, yeah, he's here.

1128
00:49:01,784 --> 00:49:03,151
Nikki's looking for you.

1129
00:49:04,252 --> 00:49:05,054
Hey, Nikki.

1130
00:49:05,088 --> 00:49:06,321
Sorry, I left my phone in the
car.

1131
00:49:06,355 --> 00:49:06,990
What's up?

1132
00:49:07,023 --> 00:49:08,691
Okay, so, don't freak out,

1133
00:49:08,725 --> 00:49:11,694
but it seems that a few
clickbait sites

1134
00:49:11,728 --> 00:49:14,396
found your Reddit thread and
have posted

1135
00:49:14,429 --> 00:49:16,164
parts of it to their sites.

1136
00:49:16,198 --> 00:49:20,235
And, unfortunately, some of
my friends found that online

1137
00:49:20,268 --> 00:49:23,305
and started posting to their
Facebooks,

1138
00:49:23,338 --> 00:49:24,473
tagging me and mentioning

1139
00:49:24,506 --> 00:49:26,809
how I worked with that butt sex
guy.

1140
00:49:28,577 --> 00:49:29,946
This is gonna get bad, isn't
it?

1141
00:49:29,979 --> 00:49:32,447
They also figured out that
we're friends on Facebook

1142
00:49:32,481 --> 00:49:35,584
and started tagging
you in their posts too.

1143
00:49:35,617 --> 00:49:37,252
Please tell me you're joking.

1144
00:49:38,286 --> 00:49:41,289
Frank, you and Laura are
kinda all over the internet.

1145
00:49:41,323 --> 00:49:42,892
Do you know if Laura's seen
it?

1146
00:49:42,925 --> 00:49:44,626
I don't know, but Jen has.

1147
00:49:44,660 --> 00:49:45,962
Then Laura has too.

1148
00:49:45,995 --> 00:49:47,629
Crap.

1149
00:49:47,663 --> 00:49:48,530
Gotta go.

1150
00:49:54,536 --> 00:49:55,637
That was my fault.

1151
00:49:55,671 --> 00:49:56,873
Oh, was it, Cam?

1152
00:49:57,740 --> 00:49:59,641
Big fucking idiot. I swear to
God.

1153
00:49:59,675 --> 00:50:00,743
Well, you know what?

1154
00:50:00,777 --> 00:50:01,711
What?

1155
00:50:01,744 --> 00:50:03,378
I love you too.

1156
00:50:03,412 --> 00:50:04,747
Oh, I love you.

1157
00:50:18,995 --> 00:50:19,862
Laura?

1158
00:50:20,963 --> 00:50:22,965
Laura, are you upstairs?

1159
00:50:26,002 --> 00:50:26,836
Laura?

1160
00:50:31,406 --> 00:50:32,474
Laura, are you...

1161
00:50:36,445 --> 00:50:40,950
Okay, so, I know you're angry
and I know you wanna scream,

1162
00:50:40,983 --> 00:50:42,852
but for the sake of our sleeping
children,

1163
00:50:42,885 --> 00:50:46,621
maybe you can be mad at
me at a moderate volume?

1164
00:50:48,791 --> 00:50:50,459
Okay, good.

1165
00:50:50,492 --> 00:50:53,930
So are you angrier about the
blog or the Reddit thread?

1166
00:50:54,897 --> 00:50:56,298
I'll start with the blog.

1167
00:50:56,966 --> 00:50:59,334
It just started as a writing
exercise.

1168
00:50:59,367 --> 00:51:01,536
I honestly didn't think
anybody was gonna read it.

1169
00:51:01,570 --> 00:51:03,472
I mean, we're kinda boring.

1170
00:51:03,505 --> 00:51:05,373
Not you! Me!

1171
00:51:05,407 --> 00:51:06,641
I'm boring! I'm a writer.

1172
00:51:06,675 --> 00:51:08,778
- Who wants to read about a...
- Just stop.

1173
00:51:15,752 --> 00:51:17,486
You know, if we just...

1174
00:51:19,588 --> 00:51:20,723
But I was thinking...

1175
00:51:25,762 --> 00:51:27,029
You know what?

1176
00:51:28,363 --> 00:51:29,297
I give up.

1177
00:51:30,398 --> 00:51:31,266
You win.

1178
00:51:33,468 --> 00:51:35,270
Here, let me help you.

1179
00:51:40,843 --> 00:51:45,815
You know, I try and I try

1180
00:51:46,548 --> 00:51:48,684
to make you happy,

1181
00:51:49,752 --> 00:51:51,754
to make our kids happy,

1182
00:51:52,654 --> 00:51:57,626
to make a nice home for
you, but I guess I failed.

1183
00:51:57,659 --> 00:51:59,461
No, it's not you, okay?

1184
00:51:59,494 --> 00:52:00,395
It's me.

1185
00:52:00,428 --> 00:52:03,099
No, in your blog, you're
either talking

1186
00:52:03,132 --> 00:52:05,467
about how frustrated you are,

1187
00:52:05,500 --> 00:52:08,738
or you're making fun of
the things that I do.

1188
00:52:08,771 --> 00:52:11,040
Everybody's laughing at the
titmouse!

1189
00:52:11,073 --> 00:52:12,775
I'm not making fun of you,
okay?

1190
00:52:12,809 --> 00:52:14,543
It's just, I'm sharing stories

1191
00:52:14,576 --> 00:52:16,511
where you do things that are
funny.

1192
00:52:16,545 --> 00:52:17,512
There's a difference.

1193
00:52:17,546 --> 00:52:18,681
Screw you!

1194
00:52:23,719 --> 00:52:25,087
What are you doing?

1195
00:52:25,121 --> 00:52:25,988
I told you.

1196
00:52:27,422 --> 00:52:28,090
You win.

1197
00:52:30,993 --> 00:52:35,998
In your blog, you go on and on

1198
00:52:36,565 --> 00:52:39,367
about how you can't achieve your
dreams

1199
00:52:39,401 --> 00:52:40,736
because of your family.

1200
00:52:40,770 --> 00:52:42,637
Well, you know what?

1201
00:52:42,671 --> 00:52:46,008
We're gonna mark one of those
dreams off the list tonight.

1202
00:52:46,042 --> 00:52:47,743
You're gonna fuck me in the ass.

1203
00:52:47,777 --> 00:52:50,112
Honey, stop!

1204
00:52:50,146 --> 00:52:51,613
Okay, stop.

1205
00:52:51,646 --> 00:52:53,683
No, stop.

1206
00:52:54,649 --> 00:52:57,019
No, you know what? You
don't get to do that!

1207
00:52:57,053 --> 00:52:59,021
Because then I've gotta hear

1208
00:52:59,055 --> 00:53:02,692
about another one of your
dreams that I've destroyed!

1209
00:53:02,725 --> 00:53:04,026
That's not what I said!

1210
00:53:04,060 --> 00:53:05,728
Bullshit.

1211
00:53:05,761 --> 00:53:07,864
I read your blog.

1212
00:53:07,897 --> 00:53:12,001
In addition to sharing all of
our secrets,

1213
00:53:12,034 --> 00:53:16,038
you're always fixated on our one
bad year

1214
00:53:16,072 --> 00:53:18,975
and wondering how things
would've been different

1215
00:53:19,008 --> 00:53:20,910
if you chose differently.

1216
00:53:21,844 --> 00:53:25,948
Look, I'm a writer,
that's just what we do.

1217
00:53:25,982 --> 00:53:28,450
We think and wonder about our
lives,

1218
00:53:28,483 --> 00:53:29,785
and then we write about it.

1219
00:53:30,652 --> 00:53:32,487
It's normal to wonder.

1220
00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:35,825
No. Not the way that you do
it.

1221
00:53:35,858 --> 00:53:40,162
When I wonder about my life,
an idea pops in my head,

1222
00:53:40,196 --> 00:53:44,633
and it swirls around a little
bit, and then it leaves.

1223
00:53:44,666 --> 00:53:49,437
And then I go back to thinking
how amazing my life is.

1224
00:53:49,471 --> 00:53:54,576
But you, you just fixate
on that one decision

1225
00:53:54,609 --> 00:53:58,147
again and again and again and
again!

1226
00:53:58,180 --> 00:53:59,982
Look, I...

1227
00:54:01,583 --> 00:54:03,551
You were gonna leave me.

1228
00:54:03,585 --> 00:54:06,488
I didn't feel like I
had a real choice, okay?

1229
00:54:08,991 --> 00:54:10,993
In all your musings,

1230
00:54:11,027 --> 00:54:14,163
you act as if it all came down
to you.

1231
00:54:16,032 --> 00:54:18,234
And that's just not the case.

1232
00:54:18,267 --> 00:54:21,070
The fact that we're still
together,

1233
00:54:21,103 --> 00:54:24,572
that's not about some choice you
made.

1234
00:54:24,606 --> 00:54:26,776
It's about the choice that I
made.

1235
00:54:29,111 --> 00:54:31,113
So this is it!

1236
00:54:31,147 --> 00:54:35,583
This is your one big
chance to fulfill a dream

1237
00:54:35,617 --> 00:54:39,855
and hang a big mission
accomplished banner on your dick!

1238
00:54:39,889 --> 00:54:42,158
So take advantage of this now

1239
00:54:42,191 --> 00:54:44,961
or you're gonna lose my ass
forever.

1240
00:54:44,994 --> 00:54:49,597
Honey, that's not what I want.

1241
00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:52,201
Just, here, come on.

1242
00:54:55,705 --> 00:54:57,840
It's fine! That's just fine.

1243
00:55:00,042 --> 00:55:00,910
It's done.

1244
00:55:01,811 --> 00:55:03,545
Blog about that.

1245
00:55:03,578 --> 00:55:06,581
[gentle music]

1246
00:55:06,614 --> 00:55:07,850
[Laura stumbles]

1247
00:55:07,883 --> 00:55:09,885
I'm good! All good!

1248
00:55:19,028 --> 00:55:22,064
Dude, it's my fault
about the post on Reddit.

1249
00:55:22,098 --> 00:55:23,099
I'm sorry, man.

1250
00:55:23,132 --> 00:55:24,967
Is there anything I can do?

1251
00:55:25,001 --> 00:55:27,169
Maybe you'd feel better if you
put

1252
00:55:27,203 --> 00:55:29,571
some of Cameron's secrets on
your blog?

1253
00:55:29,604 --> 00:55:30,840
Nah.

1254
00:55:30,873 --> 00:55:32,141
I mean, what would I even post?

1255
00:55:32,174 --> 00:55:34,944
Cameron likes a pinky tip
up his ass during sex?

1256
00:55:34,977 --> 00:55:35,811
Dude!

1257
00:55:35,845 --> 00:55:37,545
Don't worry, we all do.

1258
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:47,123
So, how bad are things?

1259
00:55:47,156 --> 00:55:49,792
I slept on the couch last
night.

1260
00:55:49,825 --> 00:55:51,526
That's never happened before.

1261
00:55:52,594 --> 00:55:55,597
God, I've been an idiot for a
while now.

1262
00:55:55,630 --> 00:55:57,867
It's like someone slapped
me across the face

1263
00:55:57,900 --> 00:55:59,301
and said, "Wake up!"

1264
00:55:59,335 --> 00:56:02,071
Well, I'm awake now and I've
shit the bed.

1265
00:56:02,104 --> 00:56:05,007
It's too bad you can't hide
the sheets like Buzz, right?

1266
00:56:05,041 --> 00:56:07,076
[laughs]

1267
00:56:07,109 --> 00:56:08,811
Uh, Nikki, you forgot this!

1268
00:56:10,079 --> 00:56:12,614
Hey, Frank? Can I ask you
something?

1269
00:56:15,117 --> 00:56:17,053
Sure, Paulie?

1270
00:56:17,086 --> 00:56:20,823
So I've read your blog, and
I know you wanna be a writer.

1271
00:56:20,856 --> 00:56:23,926
But you've never really
said why you wanna write.

1272
00:56:23,959 --> 00:56:24,794
Is it fame?

1273
00:56:25,828 --> 00:56:26,862
Is it money?

1274
00:56:26,896 --> 00:56:29,131
No, it's neither of those
things.

1275
00:56:31,033 --> 00:56:34,870
I guess I have this need to
make people feel something.

1276
00:56:34,904 --> 00:56:37,672
It's like, I wanna leave
something behind after I'm gone

1277
00:56:37,706 --> 00:56:38,908
that makes a difference.

1278
00:56:38,941 --> 00:56:41,377
Dude, if that's all you want,

1279
00:56:41,410 --> 00:56:43,279
you don't never need to write
again.

1280
00:56:44,413 --> 00:56:45,381
What do you mean?

1281
00:56:45,414 --> 00:56:50,753
I mean, you and that
blog make people feel.

1282
00:56:51,120 --> 00:56:51,987
Tons.

1283
00:56:52,855 --> 00:56:54,757
Believe it or not, you were a
factor

1284
00:56:54,790 --> 00:56:56,658
in convincing me to get married.

1285
00:56:56,692 --> 00:56:58,694
No shit? You're married?

1286
00:56:59,428 --> 00:57:02,298
Plus, when it's your time to
go,

1287
00:57:02,331 --> 00:57:06,869
you are gonna be leaving behind
an awesome wife and kids.

1288
00:57:06,902 --> 00:57:09,205
And I can guarantee that's
gonna make a bigger difference

1289
00:57:09,238 --> 00:57:12,174
in this world than any
stupid fucking novel.

1290
00:57:12,208 --> 00:57:13,075
Huh.

1291
00:57:14,777 --> 00:57:16,245
Go home.
[dramatic music]

1292
00:57:16,278 --> 00:57:18,114
Fix things.

1293
00:57:18,147 --> 00:57:22,051
And hey, if the bet's
still on and you do win,

1294
00:57:22,084 --> 00:57:23,919
check with me first.

1295
00:57:23,953 --> 00:57:25,955
Me and my hubby know all the
good stuff.

1296
00:57:32,228 --> 00:57:37,199
Did you guys know Paulie
was married? And gay?

1297
00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:41,003
I didn't even know
the fucker could talk.

1298
00:57:41,036 --> 00:57:42,404
But he's right, Frank.

1299
00:57:42,438 --> 00:57:45,207
You have to square this
up with Laura right now.

1300
00:57:45,241 --> 00:57:48,043
It'll get your mind right
for Pitchfest this afternoon.

1301
00:57:49,111 --> 00:57:49,778
Pitchfest?

1302
00:57:49,812 --> 00:57:51,814
I can't even imagine going now.

1303
00:57:52,948 --> 00:57:55,351
It just seems so stupid and
unimportant after everything.

1304
00:57:55,384 --> 00:57:58,854
Yeah, I get that, but it's
fate that it's happening here,

1305
00:57:58,888 --> 00:58:01,824
and you don't fuck
around with fate, Frank.

1306
00:58:01,857 --> 00:58:02,725
Yeah?

1307
00:58:03,658 --> 00:58:06,228
Well, fate's been fucking with
me lately.

1308
00:58:09,832 --> 00:58:11,967
And some of the stuff
he wrote in that blog?

1309
00:58:12,001 --> 00:58:14,069
I mean, God!

1310
00:58:14,103 --> 00:58:15,004
Oh, I don't know.

1311
00:58:15,037 --> 00:58:16,772
Aside from a few embarrassing
incidents,

1312
00:58:16,805 --> 00:58:18,374
I think you come off pretty
good.

1313
00:58:18,407 --> 00:58:19,875
How?

1314
00:58:19,909 --> 00:58:22,311
Anybody that googles my
name now finds a website

1315
00:58:22,344 --> 00:58:25,114
where I sell my ass for a skinny
husband!

1316
00:58:25,147 --> 00:58:26,815
Laura, you may have seen the
blog,

1317
00:58:26,849 --> 00:58:28,450
but did you actually go through
it?

1318
00:58:29,485 --> 00:58:31,754
Here, listen to this...

1319
00:58:31,787 --> 00:58:34,723
July 16th, my wife is nuts.

1320
00:58:34,757 --> 00:58:36,458
Oh, great start.

1321
00:58:36,492 --> 00:58:38,827
My wife is nuts.

1322
00:58:39,528 --> 00:58:41,197
She believes the ghost of her
grandmother

1323
00:58:41,230 --> 00:58:43,866
floats around our home
making the lights flicker.

1324
00:58:43,899 --> 00:58:45,401
And when a butterfly flies by,

1325
00:58:45,434 --> 00:58:47,870
it's her dead aunt with a
message.

1326
00:58:47,903 --> 00:58:49,405
She even thinks some of her
email spam

1327
00:58:49,438 --> 00:58:51,740
contains messages from a higher
power.

1328
00:58:52,841 --> 00:58:54,944
I mean, he took that out of
context!

1329
00:58:54,977 --> 00:58:56,045
Let me finish.

1330
00:58:57,246 --> 00:59:00,082
My wife believes all
sorts of crazy things,

1331
00:59:00,115 --> 00:59:02,518
but I've gotta say, I
wish I was nuts like her.

1332
00:59:02,551 --> 00:59:04,987
The way she sees the world is
magical.

1333
00:59:05,020 --> 00:59:07,756
She sees beauty and hope where
none exist.

1334
00:59:07,790 --> 00:59:09,024
That's the only thing I can
think of

1335
00:59:09,058 --> 00:59:10,226
that would explain her faith in
me,

1336
00:59:10,259 --> 00:59:12,061
and I'm eternally grateful for
it.

1337
00:59:13,495 --> 00:59:16,065
That's not bad.

1338
00:59:16,098 --> 00:59:17,533
You think?

1339
00:59:17,566 --> 00:59:19,802
Laura, if a little public
humiliation

1340
00:59:19,835 --> 00:59:20,970
is the cost of having someone

1341
00:59:21,003 --> 00:59:23,539
who can always see the best in
you,

1342
00:59:23,572 --> 00:59:25,207
I'd pay it in a heartbeat.

1343
00:59:25,241 --> 00:59:28,210
[kids laughing]

1344
00:59:28,244 --> 00:59:29,478
Jen, I gotta go.

1345
00:59:34,416 --> 00:59:35,384
Buzz!

1346
00:59:35,417 --> 00:59:37,052
Honey, what happened?

1347
00:59:37,086 --> 00:59:39,321
We were talking about Jonah's
birthday

1348
00:59:39,355 --> 00:59:41,857
and he's gonna have a Car Wars
party,

1349
00:59:41,890 --> 00:59:45,060
and they asked me what kind
of party I'm gonna have,

1350
00:59:45,094 --> 00:59:47,329
and I heard daddy last night.

1351
00:59:47,363 --> 00:59:51,533
So I said I can't turn seven
because...

1352
00:59:51,567 --> 00:59:54,270
Because he still goes
pee-pee in his sleep!

1353
00:59:54,303 --> 00:59:55,404
[kids laugh]

1354
00:59:55,437 --> 00:59:57,006
Honey.

1355
00:59:57,039 --> 00:59:58,173
Hey! Don't laugh.
[whimsical music]

1356
00:59:58,207 --> 00:59:59,975
We've all got problems, okay?

1357
01:00:00,009 --> 01:00:01,944
Maybe, but I don't wet my bed.

1358
01:00:01,977 --> 01:00:04,013
Maybe you don't, but
your mother did tell me

1359
01:00:04,046 --> 01:00:05,914
that you like to put on
her bra and high heels

1360
01:00:05,948 --> 01:00:07,516
and prance around the house.

1361
01:00:07,549 --> 01:00:10,052
And Charlie, Sarah, I don't
know why you guys are laughing.

1362
01:00:10,085 --> 01:00:10,853
Your mother told me you two

1363
01:00:10,886 --> 01:00:13,122
still like to take baths
together.

1364
01:00:13,155 --> 01:00:15,924
I'm not even gonna guess the
issues you two are gonna have

1365
01:00:15,958 --> 01:00:17,059
when you get older.

1366
01:00:17,092 --> 01:00:18,961
And Drew, really?

1367
01:00:18,994 --> 01:00:20,529
Your mother told me
you're not even showering

1368
01:00:20,562 --> 01:00:22,131
'cause you don't wanna get your
head wet.

1369
01:00:22,164 --> 01:00:23,999
You need to get over
that soon because, honey,

1370
01:00:24,033 --> 01:00:26,068
you smell like a rotten banana.

1371
01:00:26,101 --> 01:00:26,969
Nasty.

1372
01:00:27,002 --> 01:00:28,103
Look, did you guys learn a
lesson here?

1373
01:00:28,137 --> 01:00:32,408
Okay, just shake hands,
apologize and get outta here.

1374
01:00:33,642 --> 01:00:34,977
Sorry, Buzz.

1375
01:00:39,148 --> 01:00:40,482
Thanks, mama.

1376
01:00:40,516 --> 01:00:42,451
No one messes with my boy,
okay?

1377
01:00:42,484 --> 01:00:43,519
No one.

1378
01:00:43,552 --> 01:00:44,987
We're a team, right?

1379
01:00:45,020 --> 01:00:46,488
And we've always got each
other's back.

1380
01:00:46,522 --> 01:00:47,923
Oh, I thought I read that
Frank

1381
01:00:47,956 --> 01:00:49,425
was going to have your backside.

1382
01:00:50,526 --> 01:00:52,061
Sorry, I couldn't resist.

1383
01:00:52,094 --> 01:00:55,130
Your husband is such
an entertaining writer.

1384
01:00:55,164 --> 01:00:59,068
We know now why you always
have that frazzled look.

1385
01:00:59,101 --> 01:01:01,170
He, um, that's...

1386
01:01:01,203 --> 01:01:02,471
Hey!

1387
01:01:02,504 --> 01:01:03,672
Yes, Buzz.

1388
01:01:03,707 --> 01:01:07,543
My mommy is the prettiest
and smartest mommy there is!

1389
01:01:07,576 --> 01:01:08,410
Yes, sweetie.

1390
01:01:08,444 --> 01:01:11,280
Every boy thinks that about his
mama.

1391
01:01:11,313 --> 01:01:12,514
Nuh-uh.

1392
01:01:12,548 --> 01:01:15,284
Xander's never said that about
you.

1393
01:01:15,317 --> 01:01:17,619
Now, I want you to say,

1394
01:01:17,653 --> 01:01:20,889
my mommy is the prettiest and
smartest!

1395
01:01:20,923 --> 01:01:21,557
Sure.

1396
01:01:23,058 --> 01:01:26,028
Your mommy is the prettiest
and smartest mommy.

1397
01:01:26,061 --> 01:01:28,964
Say it with no
passing-addresses.

1398
01:01:30,099 --> 01:01:33,001
Your mommy is the prettiest
and smartest mommy there is.

1399
01:01:40,409 --> 01:01:41,577
Bye, ladies!

1400
01:01:41,610 --> 01:01:46,515
Oh boy, you are getting the
biggest birthday party ever!

1401
01:01:46,548 --> 01:01:48,150
Can I have a volcano fountain?

1402
01:01:48,183 --> 01:01:51,086
You bet! The biggest
volcano fountain ever!

1403
01:01:51,120 --> 01:01:54,056
As a matter of fact, let's go
to the party store right now.

1404
01:01:54,089 --> 01:01:55,357
- Yay!
- Yay!

1405
01:02:13,108 --> 01:02:14,410
Laura, you home?

1406
01:02:16,412 --> 01:02:18,313
Ah, hey.

1407
01:02:18,347 --> 01:02:20,416
Gee, it's great to see you
too.

1408
01:02:22,084 --> 01:02:24,253
Sorry, I was expecting your
mom.

1409
01:02:25,254 --> 01:02:26,655
You went to the mall?

1410
01:02:26,689 --> 01:02:28,290
Did you buy anything exciting?

1411
01:02:32,094 --> 01:02:33,362
Socks.

1412
01:02:33,395 --> 01:02:34,496
Neat.

1413
01:02:34,530 --> 01:02:37,099
Did you get a dress or
anything for the school dance?

1414
01:02:40,035 --> 01:02:42,504
[gentle music]

1415
01:02:46,041 --> 01:02:48,410
Dad, I don't wanna talk about
it.

1416
01:02:48,444 --> 01:02:51,213
It's just girl stuff.
You wouldn't understand.

1417
01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:56,185
I dunno. I can be pretty
darn girly when I want.

1418
01:02:56,218 --> 01:02:57,553
Why don't you give me a try?

1419
01:03:00,055 --> 01:03:02,191
I hate shopping.

1420
01:03:02,224 --> 01:03:04,059
Now see, we're off to a good
start.

1421
01:03:04,092 --> 01:03:05,260
I hate shopping too.

1422
01:03:06,128 --> 01:03:09,732
No, I like going shopping but,

1423
01:03:09,766 --> 01:03:13,569
when I try on clothes...

1424
01:03:13,602 --> 01:03:15,738
Nothing fits quite right?

1425
01:03:15,772 --> 01:03:17,673
Honey, I understand that way
better

1426
01:03:17,707 --> 01:03:19,341
than you could ever imagine.

1427
01:03:19,374 --> 01:03:23,245
Maybe you used to,
but you're skinny now.

1428
01:03:23,278 --> 01:03:27,282
I'm skinnier, but most clothes
still don't fit me right.

1429
01:03:27,316 --> 01:03:28,685
What do you mean?

1430
01:03:29,551 --> 01:03:34,356
I mean, like you, I
have a special body shape.

1431
01:03:34,389 --> 01:03:36,658
Thanks to the gift of genetics,

1432
01:03:36,693 --> 01:03:42,030
you and I have a similar
build as to my mother.

1433
01:03:42,064 --> 01:03:45,334
We have strong, thick
bones, solid middles,

1434
01:03:45,367 --> 01:03:47,302
and butts that won't quit.

1435
01:03:50,072 --> 01:03:52,274
It's just hard sometimes,

1436
01:03:52,307 --> 01:03:56,746
'cause I'm not as fast
as I wanna be and, well,

1437
01:03:56,779 --> 01:03:58,380
guys don't always think of you

1438
01:03:58,413 --> 01:04:01,250
when it comes to school dances.

1439
01:04:01,283 --> 01:04:06,154
Hey, you have no idea
how gorgeous you are.

1440
01:04:06,188 --> 01:04:07,790
No lie.

1441
01:04:07,824 --> 01:04:10,626
Maybe it's my fault for not
telling you more, but...

1442
01:04:10,659 --> 01:04:11,728
[Teddy] Oh, fuck!

1443
01:04:15,732 --> 01:04:17,165
Let me go check what that is.

1444
01:04:17,199 --> 01:04:19,067
I'll be back in one minute,
okay?

1445
01:04:24,874 --> 01:04:25,808
Hey, buddy!

1446
01:04:27,676 --> 01:04:29,077
Whatcha got there?

1447
01:04:29,111 --> 01:04:30,780
My report card.

1448
01:04:30,813 --> 01:04:32,047
Can I see?

1449
01:04:34,449 --> 01:04:35,350
This is great!

1450
01:04:35,384 --> 01:04:36,719
You got five A's and a B+.

1451
01:04:36,753 --> 01:04:41,490
No. I got three A's, two
A minuses, and a B plus.

1452
01:04:41,523 --> 01:04:43,358
Yeah, but the B plus is in
Spanish.

1453
01:04:43,392 --> 01:04:45,260
And A, A minus, who cares?

1454
01:04:45,294 --> 01:04:46,696
MIT does.

1455
01:04:46,729 --> 01:04:50,532
The average GPA for admission is
4.13.

1456
01:04:50,566 --> 01:04:53,468
What? How does a person
get higher than a 4.0?

1457
01:04:53,502 --> 01:04:55,337
AP classes.

1458
01:04:55,370 --> 01:04:56,773
This sucks.

1459
01:04:56,806 --> 01:04:58,607
I'm working super-hard,
and it's not enough!

1460
01:04:58,640 --> 01:04:59,474
I just...

1461
01:04:59,508 --> 01:05:00,576
I'll never...

1462
01:05:01,778 --> 01:05:03,178
Never..?

1463
01:05:03,211 --> 01:05:04,814
I'll never do as good as you.

1464
01:05:06,415 --> 01:05:08,450
You were valedictorian in high
school.

1465
01:05:08,483 --> 01:05:10,152
You got scholarships.

1466
01:05:10,185 --> 01:05:11,153
You won awards and stuff.

1467
01:05:11,186 --> 01:05:12,220
You've done everything.

1468
01:05:12,254 --> 01:05:16,658
Teddy, that's a very
selective look at history.

1469
01:05:16,693 --> 01:05:20,128
Trust me, I've failed way
more than I've succeeded.

1470
01:05:20,162 --> 01:05:21,630
Here's the thing.

1471
01:05:21,663 --> 01:05:24,199
Life doesn't turn out the way we
plan,

1472
01:05:24,232 --> 01:05:25,735
but we wouldn't want it to.

1473
01:05:25,768 --> 01:05:26,869
It'd be boring.

1474
01:05:28,570 --> 01:05:30,272
The exciting stuff that happens
in life

1475
01:05:30,305 --> 01:05:31,808
is everything we don't plan.

1476
01:05:31,841 --> 01:05:34,476
The unexpected wins.

1477
01:05:34,509 --> 01:05:35,477
Falling in love.

1478
01:05:36,779 --> 01:05:39,381
We just need to appreciate
each moment in life

1479
01:05:39,414 --> 01:05:40,482
for what it is.

1480
01:05:42,752 --> 01:05:43,720
You and me both.

1481
01:05:48,223 --> 01:05:51,393
I owe you and your sister an
apology.

1482
01:05:51,426 --> 01:05:54,296
Hell, I owe an apology to
everybody in this house.

1483
01:05:54,329 --> 01:05:55,497
I've been so focused on myself,

1484
01:05:55,530 --> 01:05:57,399
I haven't even noticed what
you guys are going through.

1485
01:05:57,432 --> 01:05:58,467
It's okay.

1486
01:05:58,500 --> 01:06:00,135
No, it's not.

1487
01:06:01,236 --> 01:06:02,671
When your mom and Buzz get home,

1488
01:06:02,705 --> 01:06:05,908
we're gonna go out and
we're doing something fun.

1489
01:06:05,942 --> 01:06:07,542
Wait, dad, we can't.

1490
01:06:07,576 --> 01:06:08,811
You've got Pitchfest.

1491
01:06:08,845 --> 01:06:10,646
Screw Pitchfest. I'm not
going.

1492
01:06:10,680 --> 01:06:11,580
I don't really think-

1493
01:06:11,613 --> 01:06:12,749
- You're right.

1494
01:06:12,782 --> 01:06:14,416
You're not thinking.

1495
01:06:14,449 --> 01:06:15,918
Annie, get in here!

1496
01:06:16,986 --> 01:06:17,887
Get this.

1497
01:06:17,920 --> 01:06:20,222
Dad thinks he's skipping out on
Pitchfest.

1498
01:06:20,255 --> 01:06:22,892
Yeah, no. You're going.

1499
01:06:22,925 --> 01:06:24,827
Put on a clean shirt, Teddy'll
drive,

1500
01:06:24,861 --> 01:06:26,796
and I'll text mom that
we'll meet her there.

1501
01:06:26,829 --> 01:06:27,897
Yeah, I'm not really sure your
mom...

1502
01:06:27,930 --> 01:06:31,199
Dad, we've gotta appreciate
each moment, right?

1503
01:06:33,703 --> 01:06:35,470
What did I ever do to
deserve kids like you?

1504
01:06:35,504 --> 01:06:37,974
You and mom survived one bad
year.

1505
01:06:38,007 --> 01:06:39,341
Now, go get ready.

1506
01:06:40,308 --> 01:06:41,176
Come on!

1507
01:06:41,911 --> 01:06:43,545
Let's go.

1508
01:06:49,618 --> 01:06:50,485
[phone dings]

1509
01:06:52,889 --> 01:06:54,757
Who's texting, mommy?

1510
01:06:54,791 --> 01:06:55,992
It's your sister.

1511
01:06:56,025 --> 01:06:58,861
She and Teddy are taking your
dad to his Pitchfest thing.

1512
01:06:58,895 --> 01:07:01,329
So we're meeting them there?

1513
01:07:01,363 --> 01:07:02,765
Actually, I didn't think we
were going.

1514
01:07:02,799 --> 01:07:04,366
That's why I brought
you to the party store.

1515
01:07:04,399 --> 01:07:05,868
Besides, it's on the other side
of town.

1516
01:07:05,902 --> 01:07:07,669
What? We have to go!

1517
01:07:07,704 --> 01:07:09,404
Daddy needs us.

1518
01:07:09,438 --> 01:07:11,373
Buzz, your father will be
fine,

1519
01:07:11,406 --> 01:07:13,508
and it's rush hour traffic right
now.

1520
01:07:13,542 --> 01:07:14,944
And look, don't you wanna go
inside

1521
01:07:14,977 --> 01:07:16,846
and check out all the party
stuff?

1522
01:07:16,879 --> 01:07:19,414
Later. I don't wanna miss dad.

1523
01:07:19,448 --> 01:07:20,649
Right.

1524
01:07:20,683 --> 01:07:24,352
Look, your dad and I, we got
in an argument and, honestly,

1525
01:07:24,386 --> 01:07:26,521
I don't know if it'll be
that helpful if I'm there.

1526
01:07:26,555 --> 01:07:27,924
Mom, we're going.

1527
01:07:27,957 --> 01:07:29,792
It's what good families do.

1528
01:07:29,826 --> 01:07:31,761
Besides, we're taffy, right?

1529
01:07:31,794 --> 01:07:33,896
Us sweet nuts gotta stick
together!

1530
01:07:33,930 --> 01:07:35,597
[happy music]

1531
01:07:35,630 --> 01:07:38,768
[audience applauding]

1532
01:07:39,869 --> 01:07:42,604
And our second judge is
Margaret Smalls,

1533
01:07:42,637 --> 01:07:45,775
professor of literature at
Shorewood Community College

1534
01:07:45,808 --> 01:07:49,544
and author of "The Misogyny of
Hemingway."

1535
01:07:49,578 --> 01:07:52,715
[audience applauding]

1536
01:07:54,717 --> 01:07:55,685
Hey, you came!

1537
01:07:55,718 --> 01:07:57,586
Ha, that's what she said.

1538
01:07:57,619 --> 01:08:01,758
Yeah, well, I wasn't
given much of a choice.

1539
01:08:01,791 --> 01:08:03,726
So I miss anything good?

1540
01:08:03,760 --> 01:08:06,428
They listed the order of
the pitches, and you're last.

1541
01:08:06,461 --> 01:08:07,596
Works for me.

1542
01:08:07,629 --> 01:08:08,597
Anything else?

1543
01:08:08,630 --> 01:08:12,467
And our final judge
is novelist Molly Young.

1544
01:08:13,668 --> 01:08:16,806
[audience applauding]

1545
01:08:20,109 --> 01:08:22,845
With her recent success, it's
obvious

1546
01:08:22,879 --> 01:08:26,615
that she knows a thing or two
about the art of the pitch.

1547
01:08:26,648 --> 01:08:28,785
Hey, any word from your mom
yet?

1548
01:08:28,818 --> 01:08:30,418
No, not yet.

1549
01:08:30,452 --> 01:08:31,888
She's probably on her way
though.

1550
01:08:31,921 --> 01:08:34,356
Don't worry, there's a lot
of pitches up before yours.

1551
01:08:34,389 --> 01:08:35,557
She'll make it.

1552
01:08:35,590 --> 01:08:37,827
And now it's time for our
first entry,

1553
01:08:37,860 --> 01:08:40,362
as Helen Rotaru comes to the
stage

1554
01:08:40,395 --> 01:08:44,033
to pitch us on her new
book, "A Taste for Life."

1555
01:08:45,001 --> 01:08:48,336
[audience applauding]

1556
01:08:54,376 --> 01:08:57,013
My book is for woman who is
suffering

1557
01:08:57,046 --> 01:08:59,548
from post-partum depression.

1558
01:08:59,581 --> 01:09:03,518
These recipes gonna bring you
back from the sad moments.

1559
01:09:03,552 --> 01:09:05,888
These recipes, with placenta,

1560
01:09:05,922 --> 01:09:08,124
you can make smoothies and stew.

1561
01:09:08,157 --> 01:09:09,658
You're gonna enjoy so much-

1562
01:09:09,692 --> 01:09:11,127
- Did she just say placenta?

1563
01:09:11,160 --> 01:09:13,428
[laughs]

1564
01:09:13,461 --> 01:09:14,831
This is gonna be fun.

1565
01:09:14,864 --> 01:09:16,398
Buckle up.
[upbeat music]

1566
01:09:16,431 --> 01:09:20,703
This is my book,
"Suicide Begins With S."

1567
01:09:20,736 --> 01:09:23,371
My story is about a teenage
boy

1568
01:09:23,405 --> 01:09:24,573
who suffers from depression.

1569
01:09:24,606 --> 01:09:29,544
The lifelong relationship
between a woman and her dog.

1570
01:09:29,578 --> 01:09:31,881
The next great young adult
fantasy novel

1571
01:09:31,914 --> 01:09:33,983
is a 2800 page epic.

1572
01:09:34,016 --> 01:09:37,053
My story is called "The Man
Bun Killer."

1573
01:09:37,086 --> 01:09:39,421
Two topics that are extremely
dear

1574
01:09:39,454 --> 01:09:41,556
to the tween girl heart.

1575
01:09:41,590 --> 01:09:42,859
Allow me to elaborate.

1576
01:09:42,892 --> 01:09:44,760
One, unicorns.

1577
01:09:46,494 --> 01:09:50,632
And two, systemic racism and
bloody violent social upheaval.

1578
01:09:52,601 --> 01:09:56,571
W is for wrist, a boring way
to die.

1579
01:09:56,605 --> 01:09:58,573
[Growls]

1580
01:09:58,607 --> 01:10:03,145
Slice down not across, or
don't even bother to try.

1581
01:10:03,179 --> 01:10:06,115
And so she met these guys

1582
01:10:06,148 --> 01:10:08,985
and spiked their kombucha.

1583
01:10:09,018 --> 01:10:10,152
Performance enhancing drugs.

1584
01:10:10,186 --> 01:10:12,088
I mean, that's what any good
pinball player would take,

1585
01:10:12,121 --> 01:10:13,521
any good athlete will tell you.

1586
01:10:13,555 --> 01:10:16,025
Curry placenta, jambalaya
placenta.

1587
01:10:16,058 --> 01:10:17,260
And then, plot twist.

1588
01:10:17,293 --> 01:10:22,564
The horses are the colonialist
Christian white oppressors.

1589
01:10:22,798 --> 01:10:26,836
It's not as easy as they
make it look in the movies.

1590
01:10:28,570 --> 01:10:30,806
If you use a knife, it
doesn't cut through the bone.

1591
01:10:30,840 --> 01:10:32,842
He gets a call from
his doctor telling him

1592
01:10:32,875 --> 01:10:34,710
that he has testicular cancer.

1593
01:10:34,744 --> 01:10:38,647
These little balls, when you
bite, it pops in your mouth.

1594
01:10:38,681 --> 01:10:41,684
Just day in and day out,
smelting balls.

1595
01:10:43,252 --> 01:10:45,187
[grunts]

1596
01:10:45,221 --> 01:10:47,023
People who are not
used to eating placenta,

1597
01:10:47,056 --> 01:10:49,457
they definitely are gonna like
the pate.

1598
01:10:49,491 --> 01:10:50,860
He tried out some
crack cocaine, you know?

1599
01:10:50,893 --> 01:10:51,761
Just as one does.

1600
01:10:51,794 --> 01:10:53,930
And they even, in a primal
ceremony,

1601
01:10:53,963 --> 01:10:56,032
dose him with mescaline and
endow him

1602
01:10:56,065 --> 01:10:58,533
with his own unicorn horn.

1603
01:10:58,566 --> 01:10:59,802
Everybody knows once you try
crack,

1604
01:10:59,835 --> 01:11:02,838
you really can never return
to where you once were before.

1605
01:11:02,872 --> 01:11:06,242
Puts the bodies in five
different bags.

1606
01:11:06,275 --> 01:11:08,911
And she realizes that unicorns

1607
01:11:08,945 --> 01:11:11,847
are really just horses with
horns

1608
01:11:11,881 --> 01:11:14,582
and there's no difference
between them.

1609
01:11:14,616 --> 01:11:18,821
Rainy days bring me joy,
of that there is no doubt.

1610
01:11:18,854 --> 01:11:22,858
Make you feel like you are
swallowing your kid's soul.

1611
01:11:22,892 --> 01:11:25,061
But sunny days and kittens

1612
01:11:25,094 --> 01:11:27,562
make me want to blow my brains
out.

1613
01:11:27,595 --> 01:11:28,965
And finally, the crescendo.

1614
01:11:30,132 --> 01:11:32,768
Placenta scramble, and
avocados on the side.

1615
01:11:32,802 --> 01:11:34,003
[grunts]

1616
01:11:34,036 --> 01:11:35,938
Maybe she kept the man buns
though.

1617
01:11:37,639 --> 01:11:39,175
They're soft.

1618
01:11:39,208 --> 01:11:40,176
[whinnies]

1619
01:11:40,209 --> 01:11:44,546
"Dances with Wolves"
meets "My Little Pony."

1620
01:11:44,579 --> 01:11:45,915
Namaste.

1621
01:11:45,948 --> 01:11:49,617
And all of this happens on
Christmas.

1622
01:11:51,187 --> 01:11:52,054
Thank you.

1623
01:11:55,992 --> 01:11:59,594
[audience applauding]

1624
01:11:59,627 --> 01:12:00,528
Okay.

1625
01:12:01,663 --> 01:12:05,034
So we're down to our
last pitch of the day.

1626
01:12:05,067 --> 01:12:08,603
Following this, the judges
will tally their scores

1627
01:12:08,636 --> 01:12:10,039
and announce our winner.

1628
01:12:10,906 --> 01:12:14,243
So without further ado, will
Frank Tsigas

1629
01:12:14,276 --> 01:12:15,643
please come to the stage?

1630
01:12:15,677 --> 01:12:16,479
[audience applauding]

1631
01:12:16,511 --> 01:12:17,980
- Yeah.
- Come on, come on, come on.

1632
01:12:18,014 --> 01:12:21,050
Go, Frank.
[Meg cheering]

1633
01:12:29,692 --> 01:12:34,697
My name is Frank Tsigas,
which is what he just said.

1634
01:12:36,298 --> 01:12:39,769
So my pitch today...

1635
01:12:39,802 --> 01:12:41,070
[door slams open]

1636
01:12:41,103 --> 01:12:42,738
Oops! Sorry!

1637
01:12:43,973 --> 01:12:46,574
[background chattering]

1638
01:12:46,608 --> 01:12:49,544
Please, do continue with
your pitch, kind sir.

1639
01:12:52,915 --> 01:12:55,583
[gentle music]

1640
01:12:57,319 --> 01:13:01,357
So my pitch today is a little
different

1641
01:13:01,390 --> 01:13:03,893
than anything else you've
probably heard.

1642
01:13:03,926 --> 01:13:05,861
It's about a guy.

1643
01:13:06,829 --> 01:13:11,633
A nice guy, who's relatively
unexceptional

1644
01:13:11,666 --> 01:13:14,669
except for one thing, his
family.

1645
01:13:15,871 --> 01:13:18,707
He has a family unlike any
family that's ever existed.

1646
01:13:19,909 --> 01:13:21,977
He has a wife that means more to
him

1647
01:13:22,011 --> 01:13:24,213
than anything in the world.

1648
01:13:25,247 --> 01:13:28,984
They met young, and instead
of doing that dance people do

1649
01:13:29,018 --> 01:13:33,022
where they break up and get
back together a dozen times,

1650
01:13:33,055 --> 01:13:36,125
they just stayed together
because they knew

1651
01:13:36,158 --> 01:13:38,027
how rare a love like theirs was.

1652
01:13:38,994 --> 01:13:43,199
Now, sometimes this guy
took this love for granted,

1653
01:13:43,232 --> 01:13:46,135
so his wife had to smack him.

1654
01:13:47,136 --> 01:13:49,772
But every time he got smacked,

1655
01:13:49,805 --> 01:13:52,842
his appreciation for his
wife grew a thousandfold

1656
01:13:52,875 --> 01:13:56,112
and fortunately, he grew
a little less foolish.

1657
01:13:57,279 --> 01:13:59,882
And because this couple
had this amazing love,

1658
01:13:59,915 --> 01:14:03,185
they were able to create
three amazing kids.

1659
01:14:03,219 --> 01:14:06,188
Their oldest was a boy,
and he was the kind of kid

1660
01:14:06,222 --> 01:14:09,391
every couple wishes they
could have as their first.

1661
01:14:09,425 --> 01:14:12,094
His heart was an open book,
and anybody who met him

1662
01:14:12,128 --> 01:14:14,296
just knew he would
change the world one day.

1663
01:14:15,231 --> 01:14:17,199
Their second child was a girl,

1664
01:14:17,233 --> 01:14:19,969
and she was the definition of
joy.

1665
01:14:20,002 --> 01:14:21,904
She had a light within her that
shined

1666
01:14:21,937 --> 01:14:24,440
on all those lucky enough
to enter her orbit.

1667
01:14:24,473 --> 01:14:27,810
She was a sunflower, bright and
strong.

1668
01:14:27,843 --> 01:14:30,678
Now, a couple with two
great kids might think

1669
01:14:30,713 --> 01:14:32,114
they're pushing their luck with
a third.

1670
01:14:32,148 --> 01:14:34,150
I mean, they could end
up with some horrible kid

1671
01:14:34,183 --> 01:14:37,052
who grows up to be an Instagram
celebrity or something.

1672
01:14:37,086 --> 01:14:40,356
Fortunately, they had
an awesome little boy

1673
01:14:40,389 --> 01:14:43,692
who was observant, funny and
adventurous.

1674
01:14:43,726 --> 01:14:47,029
He possessed more power
than an atomic bomb,

1675
01:14:47,062 --> 01:14:50,065
and he made their family
perfectly complete.

1676
01:14:50,099 --> 01:14:53,102
Aw, somebody wuvs you.

1677
01:14:53,135 --> 01:14:55,271
The man has a way with words.

1678
01:14:55,304 --> 01:14:56,972
True, but it doesn't
look like the judges

1679
01:14:57,006 --> 01:14:58,207
appreciate it much.

1680
01:14:58,240 --> 01:15:00,910
And the nice guy was looking
up

1681
01:15:00,943 --> 01:15:02,811
when he should've been looking
down,

1682
01:15:02,845 --> 01:15:04,980
but his family always brought
him around.

1683
01:15:05,948 --> 01:15:08,250
He realized his good fortune,

1684
01:15:08,284 --> 01:15:11,120
and the nice guy was just oh-so
grateful.

1685
01:15:12,388 --> 01:15:17,126
Nice kids, nice wife, nice life.

1686
01:15:21,263 --> 01:15:23,165
[sporadic applause]

1687
01:15:23,199 --> 01:15:24,066
But wait!

1688
01:15:28,837 --> 01:15:33,209
The story of this couple
is only beginning.

1689
01:15:34,343 --> 01:15:39,348
Because... because this "nice"
guy

1690
01:15:39,848 --> 01:15:42,918
and his "nice" wife...

1691
01:15:42,952 --> 01:15:46,822
they have a, uh...

1692
01:15:46,855 --> 01:15:49,992
A dark and disturbing secret!

1693
01:15:50,025 --> 01:15:51,760
[whimsical music]

1694
01:15:51,794 --> 01:15:53,229
Yes! A secret.

1695
01:15:53,262 --> 01:15:57,233
And do you know what that secret
was?

1696
01:15:58,901 --> 01:16:00,936
Do you know?

1697
01:16:00,970 --> 01:16:02,404
Ummm...

1698
01:16:02,438 --> 01:16:03,906
Yes!

1699
01:16:03,939 --> 01:16:07,142
It was a sexy secret, about sex!

1700
01:16:08,377 --> 01:16:13,215
You see, this nice guy, he
was into all kinds of weird,

1701
01:16:13,249 --> 01:16:16,318
perverted sexual acts.

1702
01:16:16,352 --> 01:16:19,888
Stuff his nice wife never
could have imagined.

1703
01:16:19,922 --> 01:16:22,091
I mean, he was a sexual deviant.

1704
01:16:22,124 --> 01:16:23,859
Deviant seems like a strong
word.

1705
01:16:23,892 --> 01:16:25,127
Deviant! Yes.

1706
01:16:25,160 --> 01:16:30,132
He was into stuff like role-playing
with costumes and props,

1707
01:16:30,833 --> 01:16:35,838
like, spatulas and ice cubes,
and, uh...

1708
01:16:36,839 --> 01:16:38,907
stuffed animals.

1709
01:16:38,941 --> 01:16:42,278
But then it got dangerous!

1710
01:16:42,311 --> 01:16:45,447
And the wife discovered
the more dangerous it got,

1711
01:16:45,481 --> 01:16:47,416
the more she liked it!

1712
01:16:47,449 --> 01:16:49,118
Really?

1713
01:16:49,151 --> 01:16:51,487
Yes, she liked it in the
story.

1714
01:16:52,488 --> 01:16:56,191
It was kind of like she was
becoming addicted to his...

1715
01:16:57,192 --> 01:16:59,361
His, ummm...

1716
01:16:59,395 --> 01:17:00,296
Rocket Pop!

1717
01:17:01,397 --> 01:17:03,332
Stop! I wanna see!

1718
01:17:03,365 --> 01:17:07,169
Oh yeah! She was really
addicted to that Rocket Pop!

1719
01:17:07,202 --> 01:17:08,937
I like Rocket Pops!

1720
01:17:08,971 --> 01:17:10,372
Teddy, cover his ears!

1721
01:17:10,406 --> 01:17:12,441
Who's gonna cover my ears?

1722
01:17:12,474 --> 01:17:15,477
As things were starting to
get a little bit dangerous,

1723
01:17:15,511 --> 01:17:16,979
she started thinking,

1724
01:17:17,012 --> 01:17:18,447
how far is this gonna go?

1725
01:17:18,480 --> 01:17:21,150
We just can't keep going like
this.

1726
01:17:21,183 --> 01:17:24,119
So she decides to make
her husband an offer.

1727
01:17:25,521 --> 01:17:30,125
An offer that, apparently,
every guy on the planet wants.

1728
01:17:30,159 --> 01:17:31,360
Two girls at a time!

1729
01:17:32,461 --> 01:17:34,063
Butt sex!

1730
01:17:34,096 --> 01:17:35,431
Oh.

1731
01:17:35,464 --> 01:17:39,101
And she thinks if I have
this one-night only event

1732
01:17:39,134 --> 01:17:41,036
that this is gonna cure him,

1733
01:17:41,070 --> 01:17:44,173
cure both of them of
their forbidden desires.

1734
01:17:44,206 --> 01:17:45,941
So the night of the big event
comes,

1735
01:17:45,974 --> 01:17:50,279
and the husband and wife,
they ready themselves.

1736
01:17:50,312 --> 01:17:52,948
No, no, no, no, no.
Please let this be a dream.

1737
01:17:52,981 --> 01:17:54,149
A very bad dream.

1738
01:17:54,183 --> 01:17:56,385
Come on! Wake up, wake up,
wake up!

1739
01:17:57,286 --> 01:18:02,224
And they start things slowly,
carefully,

1740
01:18:03,926 --> 01:18:08,931
his big salami meat thing
in her butt-space-hole.

1741
01:18:10,265 --> 01:18:12,534
It's like a car crash.

1742
01:18:12,568 --> 01:18:14,002
A really sexy car crash.

1743
01:18:15,971 --> 01:18:18,140
What is wrong with you?

1744
01:18:18,173 --> 01:18:20,175
The more that it's going on,

1745
01:18:20,209 --> 01:18:23,479
the more she's kind of
finding she's enjoying it.

1746
01:18:24,446 --> 01:18:25,347
She does?

1747
01:18:25,381 --> 01:18:28,150
Once again, in the story.

1748
01:18:29,551 --> 01:18:32,421
But then, all of a sudden,

1749
01:18:32,454 --> 01:18:35,090
they're farther into the
depravity,

1750
01:18:35,124 --> 01:18:39,294
and then they're farther,
and then they're deeper,

1751
01:18:39,328 --> 01:18:44,066
and then they're really
farther and deeper,

1752
01:18:44,099 --> 01:18:46,602
and farther and deeper.

1753
01:18:48,504 --> 01:18:52,441
And then, Mr. and Mrs.
Nice kind of realize

1754
01:18:52,474 --> 01:18:57,346
that they've lost themselves
in a sexual abyss.

1755
01:18:57,379 --> 01:19:01,517
Forever searching for
darker and crazier ways

1756
01:19:01,550 --> 01:19:04,586
to satisfy their sexual beasts
within.

1757
01:19:09,692 --> 01:19:11,493
Uh, I mean, the end.

1758
01:19:12,661 --> 01:19:13,529
Namaste.

1759
01:19:19,201 --> 01:19:22,538
[audience applauding]

1760
01:19:22,571 --> 01:19:24,339
Hey, I missed it!

1761
01:19:24,373 --> 01:19:26,041
What happened to the
nice guy and his wife?

1762
01:19:26,074 --> 01:19:27,643
Did she get a Rocket Pop?

1763
01:19:29,712 --> 01:19:32,581
Sorry, but we can't seem to
locate your writing sample.

1764
01:19:33,482 --> 01:19:34,684
Oh, you know what?

1765
01:19:34,717 --> 01:19:39,121
Just go to
www.myanonymousblog.com.

1766
01:19:39,154 --> 01:19:41,390
That's gonna give you the
most accurate representation

1767
01:19:41,423 --> 01:19:42,725
of his writing.

1768
01:19:42,759 --> 01:19:44,960
I promise, you're gonna love it.

1769
01:19:51,500 --> 01:19:52,334
Okay.

1770
01:19:55,037 --> 01:19:56,972
Thank you, contestants.

1771
01:19:57,740 --> 01:20:02,411
I think our judges are going
to have a very hard time

1772
01:20:02,444 --> 01:20:06,081
finding a winner from this
group, but they're gonna try.

1773
01:20:07,817 --> 01:20:10,486
Let's give them five minutes
to tally their scores.

1774
01:20:12,154 --> 01:20:15,357
While I really appreciated
your pitch,

1775
01:20:15,390 --> 01:20:17,426
it didn't seem like the
judges were that into it.

1776
01:20:17,459 --> 01:20:19,094
That's why I did what I did.

1777
01:20:19,127 --> 01:20:21,063
I hope that's okay.

1778
01:20:21,096 --> 01:20:22,097
Ummm...

1779
01:20:22,130 --> 01:20:23,432
Thoughts?

1780
01:20:23,465 --> 01:20:24,666
Yeah.

1781
01:20:24,701 --> 01:20:27,569
I'm telling Jen the titmouse is
dead.

1782
01:20:27,603 --> 01:20:28,504
[both laugh]

1783
01:20:28,537 --> 01:20:31,540
Look, I've got so much to
apologize for.

1784
01:20:31,573 --> 01:20:33,575
My attitude, I'll fix it.

1785
01:20:33,609 --> 01:20:35,410
The blog, I can end it.

1786
01:20:35,444 --> 01:20:36,713
No, just stop.

1787
01:20:36,746 --> 01:20:39,047
I forgive you for everything.

1788
01:20:40,249 --> 01:20:42,351
And I want you to keep blogging.

1789
01:20:42,384 --> 01:20:46,088
You're a writer, and a
really good one at that.

1790
01:20:46,121 --> 01:20:50,492
Okay, but for every whiny
post I write in the future,

1791
01:20:50,526 --> 01:20:53,061
I'm gonna write three
posts about how lucky I am.

1792
01:20:53,095 --> 01:20:54,396
Oh, you better!

1793
01:20:56,498 --> 01:20:57,666
Hello, everyone.

1794
01:20:57,700 --> 01:20:59,334
I've been asked to announce the
winners

1795
01:20:59,368 --> 01:21:01,537
of this year's Pitchfest, but
before I do,

1796
01:21:01,570 --> 01:21:04,573
I wanna say that you were all
great.

1797
01:21:05,541 --> 01:21:07,376
So let's start with our
runner-up.

1798
01:21:08,310 --> 01:21:11,647
Michael Hodges for "A
Darker Shade of Black."

1799
01:21:11,681 --> 01:21:15,083
[audience applauding]

1800
01:21:19,221 --> 01:21:22,825
And now, the moment that
you've all been waiting for.

1801
01:21:22,859 --> 01:21:25,460
The winner of this year's
Pitchfest...

1802
01:21:26,361 --> 01:21:29,766
Delilah Moonraven for
"Suicide Begins With S."

1803
01:21:31,567 --> 01:21:32,601
[audience applauding]

1804
01:21:32,634 --> 01:21:34,636
Oh my God! Oh my God!

1805
01:21:36,605 --> 01:21:38,140
[Delilah squealing]

1806
01:21:40,743 --> 01:21:43,245
I am so sorry, honey.

1807
01:21:44,747 --> 01:21:46,148
Thank you.

1808
01:21:46,181 --> 01:21:48,116
Look, don't be.

1809
01:21:48,150 --> 01:21:53,121
I like my story, our story, a
lot better.

1810
01:22:00,162 --> 01:22:03,432
Look, we need to go out
as a family tonight.

1811
01:22:03,465 --> 01:22:05,500
We need to just celebrate.

1812
01:22:05,534 --> 01:22:07,636
That sounds really nice,

1813
01:22:07,669 --> 01:22:10,539
but won't going out ruin your
diet?

1814
01:22:10,572 --> 01:22:13,141
You said it last night, the
bet's over.

1815
01:22:13,175 --> 01:22:14,142
No.

1816
01:22:14,176 --> 01:22:17,145
You worked really hard
and I made a promise,

1817
01:22:17,179 --> 01:22:19,381
but you still gotta meet the
deadline.

1818
01:22:20,515 --> 01:22:22,451
Actually, that's probably a good
thing,

1819
01:22:22,484 --> 01:22:25,320
because I've still gotta
catch up on my training.

1820
01:22:32,327 --> 01:22:33,730
Training?

1821
01:22:33,763 --> 01:22:35,898
My dear anonymous readers,

1822
01:22:35,932 --> 01:22:38,200
thank you for coming back to the
blog.

1823
01:22:38,233 --> 01:22:40,168
I was thinking my numbers might
go down

1824
01:22:40,202 --> 01:22:41,904
after my identity was exposed,

1825
01:22:41,938 --> 01:22:45,742
so I was surprised when they
grew, and they grew a lot!

1826
01:22:45,775 --> 01:22:48,343
Hang on for some updates.

1827
01:22:49,311 --> 01:22:51,814
♪ Just met a girl who rocked my
brain ♪

1828
01:22:51,848 --> 01:22:54,516
♪ Hit me like a bullet train ♪

1829
01:22:54,549 --> 01:22:56,953
♪ She's my rocket to the moon ♪

1830
01:22:56,986 --> 01:22:59,621
♪ Hope she moves in closer soon ♪

1831
01:22:59,655 --> 01:23:02,257
♪ One small step would be just
fine ♪

1832
01:23:02,290 --> 01:23:04,827
♪ A giant leap for all mankind ♪

1833
01:23:04,861 --> 01:23:09,531
♪ She's the girl who blew my
mind ♪

1834
01:23:09,564 --> 01:23:12,234
♪ Come on, come on and
take me for a ride ♪

1835
01:23:12,267 --> 01:23:13,368
It's not gonna hurt.

1836
01:23:13,402 --> 01:23:14,771
It's gonna be fun.

1837
01:23:14,804 --> 01:23:17,339
♪ It'll rock my lonely world ♪

1838
01:23:17,372 --> 01:23:18,607
♪ And make me feel alive ♪

1839
01:23:18,640 --> 01:23:19,876
Yes!

1840
01:23:19,909 --> 01:23:20,609
Oooh!

1841
01:23:20,642 --> 01:23:22,511
♪ My heart was a wall of stone ♪

1842
01:23:22,544 --> 01:23:25,213
♪ I kept building out ♪

1843
01:23:25,247 --> 01:23:29,317
♪ But you are a ball of fire ♪

1844
01:23:29,351 --> 01:23:30,452
It's a little poke.

1845
01:23:30,485 --> 01:23:31,453
Like a little tap.

1846
01:23:31,486 --> 01:23:32,587
I'm just gonna tap it in.

1847
01:23:32,621 --> 01:23:33,723
Just tap.

1848
01:23:33,756 --> 01:23:36,726
[Frank] So, do you remember
that Hollywood producer

1849
01:23:36,759 --> 01:23:38,928
who told me I could
either have a great career

1850
01:23:38,961 --> 01:23:40,830
or a great family?

1851
01:23:40,863 --> 01:23:42,631
Was he ultimately right?

1852
01:23:43,532 --> 01:23:44,599
I can't say for sure,

1853
01:23:44,633 --> 01:23:47,502
but I know I made the
choice that's right for me.

1854
01:23:48,503 --> 01:23:51,874
Besides, I recently heard
that producer was hit

1855
01:23:51,908 --> 01:23:54,409
with a bunch of sexual
harassment lawsuits

1856
01:23:54,443 --> 01:23:58,948
and his wife is leaving him
so, you know, fuck that guy.

1857
01:23:59,949 --> 01:24:03,720
♪ Come on, come on and
take me for a ride ♪

1858
01:24:03,753 --> 01:24:04,987
Come on, Laura!

1859
01:24:05,021 --> 01:24:06,588
Don't be the titmouse.

1860
01:24:06,621 --> 01:24:09,859
Just put it in your butt. It's
fun.

1861
01:24:09,892 --> 01:24:11,994
[Frank] Lately, I've started
to believe

1862
01:24:12,028 --> 01:24:13,696
that the definition of success

1863
01:24:13,730 --> 01:24:16,631
is being able to enjoy what you
have.

1864
01:24:20,703 --> 01:24:22,370
Everybody expects
you to be the titmouse,

1865
01:24:22,404 --> 01:24:23,405
but you're gonna be fun, Laura.

1866
01:24:23,438 --> 01:24:24,639
You can be the fun one.

1867
01:24:24,673 --> 01:24:25,775
I can be fun!

1868
01:24:25,808 --> 01:24:28,343
[Frank] Now, does this
mean you shouldn't want more?

1869
01:24:28,376 --> 01:24:31,546
Well, hell no, but the
more should be looked at

1870
01:24:31,580 --> 01:24:33,716
as the cherry on top of a
sundae.

1871
01:24:33,750 --> 01:24:35,417
It's not really necessary.

1872
01:24:35,450 --> 01:24:37,452
It's just a tiny addition to
something

1873
01:24:37,486 --> 01:24:39,287
that's already pretty great.

1874
01:24:40,322 --> 01:24:41,389
Beep.

1875
01:24:41,423 --> 01:24:42,290
Beep.

1876
01:24:43,592 --> 01:24:45,594
[moans]

1877
01:24:46,796 --> 01:24:48,765
[Frank] And of course
I'm talking about ice cream

1878
01:24:48,798 --> 01:24:50,733
because I'm nearing the end of
my diet.

1879
01:24:50,767 --> 01:24:52,667
It's almost prize time!

1880
01:24:52,702 --> 01:24:55,470
Now, for those of you expecting
to read a graphic account

1881
01:24:55,504 --> 01:24:58,640
of the event, well, there's
fanfiction sites for that.

1882
01:24:58,673 --> 01:25:01,476
Boardwalk! You owe me a
thousand bucks!

1883
01:25:02,477 --> 01:25:04,613
[roaring]

1884
01:25:07,482 --> 01:25:08,684
[cheers]

1885
01:25:10,686 --> 01:25:13,689
Okay, maybe I will post
something,

1886
01:25:13,723 --> 01:25:16,993
but expect it to be vague
with lots of euphemisms.

1887
01:25:18,527 --> 01:25:19,729
USA!

1888
01:25:19,762 --> 01:25:24,767
After all, what happens in
Browntown stays in Browntown.

1889
01:25:25,768 --> 01:25:28,838
USA! USA!

1890
01:25:28,871 --> 01:25:30,006
USA!

1891
01:25:30,907 --> 01:25:33,408
Oh beeeeeeeep...

1892
01:25:46,088 --> 01:25:47,455
Laura, honey?

1893
01:25:48,124 --> 01:25:50,392
I dropped the kids off with your
folks!

1894
01:25:50,425 --> 01:25:52,695
They're ready for their
sleepover.

1895
01:25:52,728 --> 01:25:54,697
We're all good!

1896
01:25:54,730 --> 01:25:57,767
So how would you like to
begin this romantic evening?

1897
01:26:01,503 --> 01:26:02,571
Huh.

1898
01:26:02,604 --> 01:26:05,473
Looks like you have some
romantic ideas of your own.

1899
01:26:10,679 --> 01:26:11,546
Laura?

1900
01:26:15,051 --> 01:26:18,120
[sensual rock music]

1901
01:26:21,190 --> 01:26:23,125
♪ Whoo ♪

1902
01:26:24,426 --> 01:26:27,495
That's what I was going for.

1903
01:26:27,529 --> 01:26:28,563
For you.

1904
01:26:35,738 --> 01:26:37,639
Thanks for the roses.

1905
01:26:37,672 --> 01:26:39,008
Yes, most definitely.

1906
01:26:39,041 --> 01:26:39,909
Oh.

1907
01:26:40,843 --> 01:26:43,846
Okay, you just wanna get right
down to it?

1908
01:26:43,880 --> 01:26:44,947
Honey, I've been getting ready

1909
01:26:44,981 --> 01:26:46,048
since you left with the kids.

1910
01:26:46,082 --> 01:26:47,582
So, yeah.

1911
01:26:48,918 --> 01:26:49,952
Are you nervous?

1912
01:26:50,920 --> 01:26:54,422
I feel like that dog
that chases the car.

1913
01:26:54,456 --> 01:26:57,559
Once they catch the car,
I don't know what to do.

1914
01:26:58,995 --> 01:27:01,596
Well, let's get you undressed

1915
01:27:01,630 --> 01:27:03,531
and see if we can't figure
something out.

1916
01:27:03,565 --> 01:27:07,469
Ooh! I've got a little
something sexy planned.

1917
01:27:07,502 --> 01:27:08,436
Just one second.

1918
01:27:19,148 --> 01:27:23,618
Oh, helping me get my daily
potassium?

1919
01:27:23,652 --> 01:27:26,521
You know, it has a-peel.

1920
01:27:26,554 --> 01:27:27,723
Oh yes, it does.

1921
01:27:28,891 --> 01:27:29,759
And it's ripe!

1922
01:27:37,099 --> 01:27:38,466
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

1923
01:27:38,500 --> 01:27:40,703
If your plan is to get me all
hot n' heavy

1924
01:27:40,736 --> 01:27:44,173
so I won't make it to the
end, that's a good plan.

1925
01:27:44,206 --> 01:27:46,809
Look, we can just do
regular stuff tonight.

1926
01:27:46,842 --> 01:27:48,010
A deal's a deal.

1927
01:27:48,044 --> 01:27:49,145
You put up your end, so...

1928
01:27:49,178 --> 01:27:51,047
Now I get your end?

1929
01:27:51,080 --> 01:27:52,014
Sorry.

1930
01:27:52,048 --> 01:27:54,917
I'm gonna miss these
puns when they're gone.

1931
01:27:54,951 --> 01:27:56,686
Give up the puns, and
there's a better chance

1932
01:27:56,719 --> 01:27:57,820
this can happen again.

1933
01:27:57,853 --> 01:27:58,788
Really?

1934
01:27:58,821 --> 01:28:01,757
Well, we'll only know
if we give it a try.

1935
01:28:13,568 --> 01:28:16,671
Do we have any lubrication?

1936
01:28:18,975 --> 01:28:20,608
It has a pump?

1937
01:28:20,642 --> 01:28:21,509
Huh.

1938
01:28:29,785 --> 01:28:30,652
Geez.

1939
01:28:31,887 --> 01:28:35,590
I haven't been this nervous
since our first time doing it.

1940
01:28:35,623 --> 01:28:37,559
Nervous or excited?

1941
01:28:39,161 --> 01:28:40,029
Both.

1942
01:28:41,998 --> 01:28:43,065
How about you?

1943
01:28:43,933 --> 01:28:44,800
Both.

1944
01:28:45,768 --> 01:28:46,634
Are you ready?

1945
01:28:49,972 --> 01:28:53,675
Here goes, um, something.

1946
01:28:59,782 --> 01:29:03,185
- [guitar riff]
- Oh my God!

1947
01:29:04,320 --> 01:29:05,988
[intense riff]

1948
01:29:06,022 --> 01:29:08,124
[Laura moaning]

1949
01:29:08,157 --> 01:29:09,191
Oooh.

1950
01:29:11,227 --> 01:29:13,661
I love bananas.

1951
01:29:16,664 --> 01:29:18,734
Dipped in strawberry volcano
fountain?

1952
01:29:18,768 --> 01:29:20,269
Yes! Genius!

1953
01:29:25,607 --> 01:29:26,809
Want some nuts to go with your
'nana?

1954
01:29:26,842 --> 01:29:29,812
Cameron! I thought you were
better than jokes like that.

1955
01:29:29,845 --> 01:29:30,813
He's not.

1956
01:29:32,281 --> 01:29:34,950
[upbeat music]

1957
01:29:52,268 --> 01:29:53,769
Did you enjoy it? Did she
enjoy it?

1958
01:29:53,803 --> 01:29:56,604
You brown-trouting son
of a bitch, I'm so horny.

1959
01:29:56,638 --> 01:29:57,672
Are you gonna do it again?

1960
01:29:57,706 --> 01:30:00,276
Yeah, I'm not answering
any of those questions.

1961
01:30:00,309 --> 01:30:01,977
Frank, come on, you've
gotta give me a hint.

1962
01:30:02,011 --> 01:30:03,379
Give me something.

1963
01:30:03,412 --> 01:30:05,314
Fuck it! Spill it!

1964
01:30:05,347 --> 01:30:06,648
Uhhh...

1965
01:30:07,783 --> 01:30:08,751
Aargh!

1966
01:30:29,138 --> 01:30:30,072
No way.

1967
01:30:30,106 --> 01:30:31,240
I'm not answering any questions

1968
01:30:31,273 --> 01:30:34,076
about what did or didn't happen.

1969
01:30:34,110 --> 01:30:36,378
You're just gonna have
to use your imagination.

1970
01:30:40,349 --> 01:30:43,819
Okay, please stop using your
imagination!

1971
01:30:43,853 --> 01:30:44,787
Oh, calm down.

1972
01:30:44,820 --> 01:30:47,022
Even in my mind, you're
still kinda boring.

1973
01:30:47,056 --> 01:30:48,124
Gee, thanks.

1974
01:30:48,991 --> 01:30:50,259
You know, maybe one of you wanna
share

1975
01:30:50,292 --> 01:30:52,928
some intimate details about your
sex life?

1976
01:30:52,962 --> 01:30:56,432
So Cameron finally
asked me to marry him.

1977
01:30:56,465 --> 01:30:59,735
I just had to make him
an offer like Laura's.

1978
01:31:01,237 --> 01:31:02,104
What?

1979
01:31:03,205 --> 01:31:05,774
And how is that gonna
lead to nuptials that last?

1980
01:31:05,808 --> 01:31:07,042
Simple.

1981
01:31:07,076 --> 01:31:09,712
I said he can't cash in until
our 10th wedding anniversary.

1982
01:31:09,745 --> 01:31:12,181
If you need help writing
that prenuptial agreement,

1983
01:31:12,214 --> 01:31:13,415
you let me know.

1984
01:31:14,450 --> 01:31:17,119
[upbeat music]

1985
01:31:33,802 --> 01:31:38,741
Okay, so Nikki and Paulie
are here and so are the girls.

1986
01:31:38,774 --> 01:31:40,009
Thank you.

1987
01:31:40,042 --> 01:31:43,245
So what's this big news that
you said about in your email?

1988
01:31:43,279 --> 01:31:44,780
You guys make another bet?

1989
01:31:45,748 --> 01:31:46,415
No.

1990
01:31:49,451 --> 01:31:51,820
So about a week after Pitchfest,

1991
01:31:51,854 --> 01:31:54,323
I got an email from my
old classmate, Molly.

1992
01:31:54,356 --> 01:31:59,228
And because Laura mentioned
my blog in the pitch,

1993
01:31:59,261 --> 01:32:02,064
Molly read it and she loved it.

1994
01:32:02,097 --> 01:32:04,833
And then she told her agent
about it, her agent loved it,

1995
01:32:04,867 --> 01:32:07,336
and now the agent is
working on a book deal

1996
01:32:07,369 --> 01:32:10,239
to publish my blog and
the story of our bet.

1997
01:32:10,272 --> 01:32:13,342
Oh my God! And you're okay
with that?

1998
01:32:13,375 --> 01:32:15,844
Yeah, sure. It's no big deal.

1999
01:32:15,878 --> 01:32:18,214
Yeah, it became less of a big
deal

2000
01:32:18,247 --> 01:32:20,049
when I said we could use the
book advance

2001
01:32:20,082 --> 01:32:21,483
for a family trip to Hawaii.

2002
01:32:23,252 --> 01:32:24,920
I was getting sick of Oregon.

2003
01:32:38,200 --> 01:32:39,101
- Buzz!
- Buzz, a happy birthday.

2004
01:32:39,134 --> 01:32:40,803
We've gotta wish you a happy
birthday!

2005
01:32:40,836 --> 01:32:41,904
We've got cake!

2006
01:32:41,937 --> 01:32:42,972
Here we go.

2007
01:32:43,005 --> 01:32:45,407
Okay, since I'm to blame
for this blog's fame,

2008
01:32:45,441 --> 01:32:47,042
if this gets made into a movie,

2009
01:32:47,076 --> 01:32:49,278
I get to be played by The Rock!

2010
01:32:49,311 --> 01:32:50,946
If he gets to be played by The
Rock,

2011
01:32:50,980 --> 01:32:52,915
you're writing us a sex scene!

2012
01:32:52,948 --> 01:32:54,116
No.

2013
01:32:54,149 --> 01:32:58,387
Okay, first, I never wanna
picture this guy having sex.

2014
01:32:58,420 --> 01:33:01,523
And secondly, I think that's
kinda putting the cart

2015
01:33:01,557 --> 01:33:02,658
before the horse.

2016
01:33:02,692 --> 01:33:05,227
I can't really see any
studio wanting to make a film

2017
01:33:05,261 --> 01:33:06,829
of my blog.

2018
01:33:06,862 --> 01:33:09,231
I mean, what kinda demented
individual

2019
01:33:09,265 --> 01:33:12,234
would wanna sit through a family
comedy about butt-fucking?

2020
01:33:15,037 --> 01:33:17,506
[upbeat music]

2021
01:33:30,052 --> 01:33:31,153
Oh, Nikki!

2022
01:33:31,186 --> 01:33:34,857
My new agent wants me to
keep up my social interaction

2023
01:33:34,890 --> 01:33:38,260
with my blog fans, so
I've set up a livestream.

2024
01:33:38,294 --> 01:33:42,431
Could you get us while we sing
happy birthday to this guy?

2025
01:33:42,464 --> 01:33:43,332
All right.

2026
01:33:45,601 --> 01:33:46,468
Okay.

2027
01:33:47,436 --> 01:33:49,371
[All] Happy birthday.

2028
01:33:55,477 --> 01:33:57,246
So, what'd you wish for?

2029
01:33:57,279 --> 01:33:59,581
I wanna go to the
happiest place on earth!

2030
01:33:59,615 --> 01:34:03,319
No way. We're not switching
out Hawaii for Disneyland.

2031
01:34:03,352 --> 01:34:05,054
Not Disneyland!

2032
01:34:05,087 --> 01:34:07,089
I heard daddy talking to Uncle
Cameron.

2033
01:34:07,122 --> 01:34:09,425
He said the happiest place
on earth is Browntown!

2034
01:34:09,458 --> 01:34:11,060
I wanna go too!

2035
01:34:11,093 --> 01:34:13,162
Browntown! Browntown!

2036
01:34:13,195 --> 01:34:14,296
[Kids] Browntown!

2037
01:34:14,330 --> 01:34:15,230
Browntown!

2038
01:34:15,264 --> 01:34:16,231
[Frank] Nikki, cut!

2039
01:34:16,265 --> 01:34:17,399
[Nikki] No way.

2040
01:34:17,433 --> 01:34:18,600
Browntown!

2041
01:34:18,634 --> 01:34:20,402
Browntown! Browntown!

2042
01:34:20,436 --> 01:34:21,303
BROWNTOWN!

2043
01:34:29,242 --> 01:34:30,218
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