\h[girl 1] Oh, my God, you’re, like, coughing.
-[girl 2] I actually like it. \h-[girl 3] Yeah, I like it.
[woman on PA] This is \h\h\han announcement \habout Picture Day.
Freshmen class portraits \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hat 9:30.
Sophomore class portraits \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hat 10:30.
Juniors will be during lunch.
That wasn’t hard.
[boy] Shut up, bitch.
You shut up.
[boy 1] Feel like a man.
\h-Like a giant. -[toilet flushes]
-[boy 2] Cherry bomb! \h\h\h\h\h-[bursting]
[romantic jazz song playing]
[chattering indistinctly]
[romantic jazz song continues playing]
Comb?
Mirror? Comb? No?
Mirror?
Comb?
-[boy 1] Bonzai! \h\h\h\h\h\h-Oh!
Fuck off, asshole.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Ugh! -[boy 2] I’ll take it.
[girl sighs]
So what’s your name?
[sighs]
Talkative. I like that.
How’s your day going?
Yeah.
Dinner tonight?
Are you asking me out?
Yes.
I’m not going on a date \hwith you. You’re 12.
-You’re funny. I’m 15. \h\h\h\h\h\h-[chuckles]
How old are you?
You’re not supposed \h\h\hto ask that.
You’re not supposed to ask \h\ha girl how old she is.
Annoying.
\h\h\h\h\h\hYou’re right, it doesn’t matter to me.
\h\h\h\h\hHow are you gonna pay for dinner?
If I say yes and we go \hon a date for dinner,
how are you gonna pay?
-You say everything twice. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[laughs]
-I don’t say everything twice. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-You do. You do.
\h\h\h\h\hWhat is this, "Say everything twice"?
Come on. How are you gonna pay?
Do you go to the movies?
Of course I go to the movies.
Did you see Under One Roof?
Yeah.
You’re looking at Tony.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThere’s, like, a million kids in that movie.
I don’t know a Tony.
I want you to have dinner \h\hwith me, not my work.
I’m not trying to brag,
but you did ask how I was \h\hgonna pay for dinner.
You’re such an actor. You’re such an actor.
What else have you been in?
-This House is Haunted. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No.
-Two Beds, Two Baths. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Mmm-mmm.
I’ve done three sketches on The Merv Griffin Show.
Did you ever see me on the...
All right. Don’t list your whole resume, it’s braggy.
\hI’m not going on a date with you, man. You’re 15.
"Man."
I like that.
"Kid," how about that?
\h\hI’m not going on a date with you, "kid." You’re 15.
Don’t call it a date. \h\hIt’s not a date.
Just come say hello.
I like the way you look.
-I like talking with you. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[chuckles]
Where do you live?
\h\h\h\h-Encino. -[clears throat]
Encino? I live in Encino. \h\h\h\hWhere in Encino?
On Hatteras.
-Hatteras and what? \h\h\h-Ugh. Creep.
"Hatteras and what? Hatteras and what?"
I’m not telling you where \hI live, creep. Come on.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-I’ll be at the \h\h\hTail o’ the Cock tonight. -I don’t care where you’ll be.
I go there every Thursday \h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor dinner.
\hI don’t care where you eat. Wait, where are your parents
-while all this is happening? \h\h\h\h\h\h-They’re working.
They’re working. Just come say hi.
[girl] Just shut up.
[boy] I’ll tell you \h\hwhat I’m doing.
\h\h\hI take my brother Greg to Tastee-Freez around 6:30,
he’s in bed by 7:30.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWait, you go \h\h\h\hall the way from Encino to Tail o’ the Cock for dinner?
I live in Sherman Oaks.
Oh, come on.
\h\h\hI take my brother Greg to Tastee-Freez around 6:30,
he’s in bed by 7:30.
I slip around the corner \h\h\hto Tail o’ the Cock \h\h\h\h\hfor my dinner.
That’s where I’ll be.
I’m not trying to pressure you.
You are pressuring me.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou are. That’s what you’re doing.
If you wanna come \hand say hello,
if it’s convenient within your plans,
-I’d love to see you. \h\h\h\h\h\h-[scoffs]
"Convenient within my plans"?
\h\hWait, you leave your brother alone? \h\hHow old is he?
-He’s eight. He’s nine. \h\h\h\h\h\h-[chuckles]
You’re hilarious.
\h\h\h\hYou can’t even keep your own stories straight.
\h\h\h\h\hWhat are you? You’re like a little... \h\h\h\h\h[smacks lips]
\h\h\h\h\hRobert Goulet, Dean Martin or something.
-Where do you come from? \h\h\h\h\h-Sherman Oaks.
Ha! Sherman Oaks.
\h\h\h\h-Hi, Alana. -[Alana] Hi, Cindy.
\h\hDid you know we got a big movie star here?
Gary Valentine.
Your name is Valentine?
Valentine.
[Cindy] Should I get \h\h\h\han autograph?
Don’t bother.
I’ve been right here \h\h\hthe whole time.
I get this feeling I was meant \h\h\h\h\h\hto know you, Alana.
You know I’m 25, right?
\h\h\h\h\hI can be your friend but I can’t be your girlfriend.
That’s illegal.
-You give me hope. \h\h\h\h\h-Shut up.
\h\h\h\h\h\hThis is fate that brought us together.
\h\h-This is fate. -[laughs] Shut up.
Card.
-Right here. Okay. -I mean, I’m trying
-to spend my time with you. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Oi, oi.
\h\h\h\h-Is that bad? -Stop, stop that. Oi.
Turn your legs around.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNot too down, so look up, look up. Uh...
\hClose your mouth just a little bit.
Just see a little bit of teeth.
Little bit of teeth. Little bit of teeth.
Go on, like a tiger. \h\h\h\h\hOff it. Go.
Next. Next.
\h\h\hHow have I never \h\h\hseen you before? How have we never met?
[Alana] Stop talking \h\h\hso much, slimy.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWe’ll see. I doubt it, but we’ll see.
Now I gotta get back to work \h\h\h\h\h\h\hand you have to \h\h\h\h\hget back to class.
\h\h\h\hStop using time \has an excuse, Alana. Our roads took us here.
\h[Alana] Stop sounding like a philosophy guy,
\h\h\h\hAlbert Einstein. Maybe I’ll see you later.
I’m not gonna see you later.
\h[photographer] Put your chin up just a little bit \h\h\h\hlike that, Laura.
\h-[slaps] -[chuckles]
Chin up, chin up.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[jazz music playing softly on speakers]
-[man] Hey, Gary. Hey, Greg. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Gary] Hey.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI met the girl I’m gonna marry one day, Greg.
Oh, yeah?
And you’re gonna be \h\h\hmy best man.
\h\h[commentator on TV] So, two down and Garvey \h\h\h\h\h\hthe batter.
\h\h\h\h[Gary] I’ll be at the Tail o’ the Cock \h\h\h\hif you need me.
Love you, Greggo.
Love you, too.
[commentator] Steve finished \h\h\h\h\hthe regular season \h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith 111 RBIs,
-three more than Jimmy Wynn. \h\h-[door opens and closes]
Sixth inning with the Dodgers \h\h\hleading two to nothing.
Two runs, three hits, \h\h\hand no errors.
\h\hRemember, there are still tickets available
for Tuesday’s game.
You can get them today
at the Dodgers ticket office \h\h\h\h\h\h\hon Stadium Way.
[soft jazz music playing]
And the pitch is high, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hball one.
[chair creaks]
Don’t be creepy, please.
[announcer] Foul ball \h\h\hup the middle.
\h\h\h\hWill you stop with the googly eyes?
Excuse me, Don.
Can I have two Cokes?
[Don] Sure, Gary, you got it.
Thank you.
\h[soft jazz music continues playing]
[breathing heavily]
Stop.
What?
I can hear you breathing.
[breathing heavily]
Stop.
-Breathing? \h\h\h-Yes.
[utensils clatter]
So, Alana, what are your plans?
I don’t know.
What’s your future look like?
I don’t know.
How do you like working \h\h\h\h\hat Tiny Toes?
I hate working at Tiny Toes.
\hYou should start your own business.
[Alana chuckles]
What business should I be in?
\h\hI don’t know. What do you like?
I don’t know.
\h\h\hYou’re an actress. You should be an actress.
[scoffs]
\h[soft jazz music continues playing]
\hSo how’d you become such a hotshot actor?
I’m a showman.
-It’s my calling. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Ugh.
\h\hI don’t know how to do anything else.
It’s what I’m meant to do.
\h\hI mean, ever since I was a kid, I’ve been
-a song and dance man. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Come on.
Ever since you were a kid?
Song and dance man? \h\h\h\h[chuckles]
Where are your parents?
\h\h-My mom works for me. -Oh, of course she does.
\h\h-Yes, she does. -That makes sense.
In my public relations company.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIn your public relations company?
-Because you have that? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes.
-And you’re an actor. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes.
And you’re a secret agent too?
[chuckles]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWell, no, I’m not a secret agent.
\h\h-[chuckles] -That’s funny.
Are you joking?
Well, no, I’m not.
That’s a lot.
Gets complicated.
I’m sure.
And all that math homework \h\h\h\h\h\hyou have to do \h\h\h\h\hafter everything.
My mom’s in Las Vegas right now
\h\htaking care of the Hacienda Hotel,
which leaves me back here.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe do PR for Tail o’ the Cock \h\h\hand Chadney’s.
I like Chadney’s.
-You like Chadney’s? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.
Do you like Japanese food?
I don’t really know \h\h\hwhat that is.
The Mikado?
I’m taking you to The Mikado \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hnext time.
Next time?
\h\h-Yeah. -[chuckles]
The food’s magnificent.
You’re sweet, Gary.
\h\hYou’re gonna be rich in a mansion by the time \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou’re 16.
I’m gonna be here
\h\htaking photos of kids for their yearbooks when I’m 30.
You’re never gonna remember me.
I’m not gonna forget you.
Just like you’re not \h\hgonna forget me.
[soft instrumental \h\hmusic playing]
If I ask for your phone number, \h\h\hwould you give it to me?
Why should I give you \h\hmy phone number?
So I can call you. \h[chuckles softly]
I don’t know, Gary. [sighs]
Why not?
How are you gonna remember it?
It’s only seven numbers.
[Alana sighs]
758-4686.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-756-4686. -You already got it wrong.
758-4686.
All right, Don Rickles.
\h\h\hDon’t call me all the time. Okay?
We’re not boyfriend \h\hand girlfriend. \h\hRemember that.
We’re... You know.
I know.
[soft instrumental music \h\h\hcontinues playing]
[Gary chuckles softly]
\h\h\h\h-[Alana] Hi, Dad. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What’s up?
\h\h\h\h-[Alana] What? -[Dad] What’s going on?
[Alana] Nothing.
[Moti] What time is it now?
[Alana] 10:00.
[Dad] What’d you do?
[Alana] I told you what I was \h\h\hgonna do this morning.
[Moti] What?
[Alana] Go to dinner with Lisa.
\h-[Moti] Lisa? -[Alana] Yeah.
[Moti] Who the fuck is Lisa?
[Alana] Dad, you know Lisa.
[Moti] Lisa?
[Alana] Yeah, she works with me
\h\h\h\h\h\h-at Tiny Toes. -[Moti] I don’t know Lisa.
\h\h\h-What? -[Alana] Yes.
[TV chattering indistinctly]
Where were you?
Why are you dressed like that? \h\h\h\h\h\hWere you on a date?
Looks like it was a long date.
-Get out of my room, Este. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[door thuds]
[sighs]
[woman] "His name is \h\hJerome H. Frick.
His friends know him \h\hsimply as Jerry,
\hand his attractive young wife as Mioko.
Their new restaurant Mikado
\his a delightful dinery featuring foods of Japan,
and it should be quite authentic,
for Jerry had a restaurant \h\hsome 15 years in Tokyo.
The entire staff,
with the exception of Jerry, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\his Japanese,
and those ’little doll’ \h\h\h\h\h\hwaitresses
are dressed fittingly in colorful kimonos.
Give it a try,
we think you’ll be delighted."
-Oh, that’s wonderful, Anita. \h\h\h-[Anita] Oh, fantastic.
Oh, of course.
-It’s just wonderful. \h\h\h\h-[Anita] Oh.
\h\h\h\h-Thank you. -[Anita] Of course.
Uh, do you think we should mention
\h\h\hsomething about the serenity, though?
\h\h\h\h-[Anita] Hmm. -The pleasant quiet?
\h\h\hYes, and I wish \h\hthat we had space to include everything
\h\h\hbecause it’s such a beautiful restaurant,
but if we choose one thing...
[smacks lips] Right.
Okay. Let’s just...
[in faux Japanese accent] \h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, Mioko,
how you think of this?
What do you think of item \h\h\h\h\hfor newspaper?
[speaking Japanese]
Oh, oh, Yoko-san.
[speaks Japanese]
I think the cuisine \his not mentioned.
\h\h-[Anita] Oh. -She’s wondering
if we mentioned the cuisine.
[Anita] Of co... Uh...
\h\h\h\h\h-The cuisine? -[Jerry] Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
I think we did talk about that, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hdidn’t we?
I might...
-I have an earlier draft. \h\h\h\h-[paper rustling]
[Anita clears throat]
Here it is.
"There is a complete roster of \hJapanese appetizers available
while sipping American \hor Japanese spirits.
\h\hFor the daring, sashimi is offered.
But don’t worry, there are \hmany American dishes too.
\hMikado is for the gourmet and the non-gourmet alike."
[in faux Japanese accent] \hWhat you think of that?
[speaking Japanese]
\h[chuckles] Much better talking about the cuisine
than the waitresses. Thank you.
\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, fantastic. I will make a note of that.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Sure. -That’s what we’ll send \h\h\h\h\hto the paper.
-[sighs in relief] -Thank you so much
for coming in to \hG and G Agency.
Really appreciate it, Anita.
-Thank you so much. \h-[Anita] Mmm-hmm.
\h\h\h\h\h-Arigato. -[Anita] Of course.
[exaggeratedly] Oh... Oh!
\h\h[radio DJ] 7:20 with Charlie Tuna.
I’ll make that call to \h\h\hthe girl selected \h\h\hby a computer...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-So... -[radio DJ] ...as the most
compatible mate for me \h\h\h\hin one minute.
I’m afraid you’re gonna be \h\h\h\h\h\hupset with me.
I can’t take you to New York \h\hfor The Jerry Best Show.
I have to go to Las Vegas.
[radio announcer] Delicious Certs.
-I’m not upset. \h\h\h\h\h-No?
No. Why is that bad?
\h\h\h\h[radio announcer] It’s two mints in one...
Well, you can’t go to New York without a parent or a guardian.
They’re not gonna let you do \h\h\hthe press tour without \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\ha chaperone.
[upbeat soft rock \hmusic playing]
[bell dings]
The Salisbury steak \h\h\his delicious. How’s the chicken?
Delicious.
[upbeat soft rock music \h\hcontinues playing]
[stewardess muffled] Excuse me, \h\h\h\hsir, could I offer you \h\h\h\h\h\h\hanother beverage?
I beg your pardon?
[song continues on headphones]
\h\h\h\h\h\hCan I get you something else to drink?
What’s your name?
Um, it’s Brenda.
-Brenda. -Mmm-hmm.
[Gary] That’s a beautiful name.
\h-[chuckles] -[Gary] Um...
I’ll take two Cokes, Brenda.
[Brenda] Okay.
Are you one of the actors?
Yes, I am.
Hola.
Como esta?
\h-I’m Lance. -[Alana] Hi.
-Me llamo Alana. \h-[Lance] Alana.
Bien. Bien. [chuckles]
\h\h-Hey, Gar. -[Gary] Lance.
How’s things back here?
-Pretty smooth ride, right? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Mmm-hmm.
Never flown this bird before.
What’d you have for lunch?
Salisbury steak.
I had the chicken.
They did have steak back here? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGood, good.
\h\h\h\hAll right. Well, hey, very nice to meet you, Alana.
I’ll see you on the tarmac.
[Alana] Charmed.
[muffled music playing]
Wow, super-hot chaperone, Gar. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNice one.
\h\h\hThat’s my friend, don’t think about that.
Oh, man, are you kidding? \h\h\h\hMy mind’s racing,
doing circles around that track. [laughs]
[actor vocalizing]
Hello, boys.
\h\h\h-Hey, Lucy. -[all] Hi, Lucy.
Hey, Mark, how ya doing?
-Good. How are you? \h\h-[Lucy laughs]
-Hey, Tim. -Hey, Lucy.
Harold.
[boy] My name’s Henry. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know?
-How ya doing, Lucy? \h\h\h\h-Hey, Lance.
And, Valentine, don’t. \h\hJust don’t in here.
What’s that? What is that? V? \h\h\h\hIs that for "vagina"?
\h\h\h\hWhy are you doing that? Why do people keep doing that?
Peace and love, baby.
Oh, shut it, you little shit.
\h\h\hNow, cut the comedy. Don’t be an ass out there.
[loudly] Good show, everybody.
\h-[man] Thank you, Lucy. -[woman] Thank you, Lucy.
Sweetheart, do not embarrass \h\h\hMommy, okay? Have fun.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Break legs. -[chattering indistinctly]
Watch for me on stage. I’ll send you a signal.
I’ll make a joke just for you.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Okay. -[man] Straight ahead.
[woman] She’s not \heven stopping.
[man] Keep going straight ahead \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto the stage.
To the right.
-[singers vocalize end note] \h\h\h\h-[audience applauds]
Lucy, I wanna tell you \h\hhow much we enjoyed \h\hyour visit tonight.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBefore you go, I’d like the audience to meet
those wonderful 18 children...
Wonderful.
...who played the kids in \h\h\h\h\hUnder One Roof.
I think they’d like that.
-Are they back here? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes.
And here they are!
[upbeat orchestral \h\hmusic playing]
Rise and shine.
\h\h\h[singing] ♪ We rise And shine every morning ♪
♪ Bright and early ♪
\h♪ Go somewhere else If you want to sleep \h\h\h\h\hTill noon ♪
♪ Bicycle riding and skating \h\hAnd bowling and dating ♪
♪ The sound of guitars \h\hNot quite in tune ♪
♪ Sometimes it seems like \h\h\hWe’re going ’round \h\h\h\h\h\hIn circles ♪
\h♪ And we get hung up On every little thing ♪
♪ Pick up your toys \h\hMake your bed ♪
♪ Off the telephone ♪
\h\h♪ Why do they act Just like children? ♪
♪ It’s a garden that’s full \h\h\h\hOf noisy flowers ♪
♪ And they’re all yours ♪
♪ Mine ♪
♪ And ours ♪
♪ Life is a ball if you have \h\h\hThe bounce to live it ♪
♪ A lollipop any flavor \h\h\h\hSweet or sour ♪
[whispering] I’m his chaperone.
\h\h\h♪ But you can’t take \h\h\h\h\h\hWithout giving That’s all part of living ♪
♪ For love is to share ♪
\h\h\h\h\h♪ It’s yours! It’s mine! It’s ours! ♪
-I’m his chaperone. \h\h\h-[woman] Shh!
♪ Just like a ship sailing home \h\h\h\h\h\hAcross the ocean ♪
♪ Some days are calm \h\hBut you know when \h\h\hIt gets rough ♪
♪ It’s gonna take everybody ♪
♪ All hands on deck ♪
♪ If we work together \h\h\hWe’ll make it ♪
\h\h\h\h♪ On the way There’ll be sunshine There’ll be showers ♪
♪ And there’ll be yours ♪
♪ Mine ♪
\h\h♪ And everybody! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! ♪
♪ And there’ll be yours ♪
♪ Mine ♪
♪ And ours ♪
[audience applauding]
[music ends]
\hLance, how’s things in Hollywood for you?
Oh, things are going \h\hreal well, Jerry.
I just did a guest spot \h\h\h\hon Banacek with George Peppard for NBC.
\h\h\h\h\h\hGeorge Peppard. That’s great, that’s great.
\h\h\h\h\h-Thank you. -How about you, Gary?
\h\h\hWell, last week I did Three Beavers.
Leave it to Beaver?
Three Beavers.
[audience laughs]
\h\h\h\h[Jerry Best] Hi, what’s your name?
\h[girl] Thank you for asking, Jerry.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-[woman] Boo. -[girl] My name is Margo.
[Jerry Best] Hi, Margo.
[chattering indistinctly]
-Oh, there you are, my... -[Lucy] You little shit!
\h-You little prick. -[Gary] What’d I do?
You think you’re funny, huh? \h\h\hYou think you’re funny?
\h\h\h-Humiliating me in front of millions. \h-[man] Lucy! Wait.
\h\h\h\h-Let me go. -These are my fans.
You cannot treat me like this.
This is the end for you. \hI’m coming to get you.
[woman] Oh, baby, are you okay?
-She didn’t seem too happy. \h\h-[woman] Are you okay?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No. -[woman] It’s okay.
Is she like that all the time?
-More or less, yeah. \h\h\h\h\h-[chuckles]
How are you doing?
-Good. -Good.
\hAll right, I should go get out of these pajamas.
\h\h\h\h-Okay. -I’ll see you.
Bye.
[airplane engine humming]
-Thank you, William. \h\h\h\h-Thanks, Vic.
Right down the stairs, \h\h\h\h\h\hyoung man.
Gary?
-Gary Valentine. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Vic.
-Nice to see you. -Nice to see you.
What’ve you been up to, man?
I was in New York on a PR trip \h\h\h\h\h\hfor Under One Roof. \h\h\h\h\hThe Jerry Best Show.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Oh, yeah. -Oh, my God, you’re huge.
\h-Oh, hi, Gale. -Wow. [chuckles]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Gary. -[Gary] Nice to see you.
You’ve really grown a lot, huh?
-[Gary] Yeah. \h\h\h-Good,
you’ve been eating \hyour vegetables.
[Vic] And action.
\h\h\h\hYou can wear the new Sears 10-in-1 suit this way.
Or this way.
Or try this all-new \h\hvest suit look.
Or seven other ways.
Perfect, man, you still got it.
\h\hThank you, Gary. Really appreciate it.
-Thanks for coming in. \h\h\h\h-How ya doing?
Good. Divorced, but, uh...
-Can we have him read this? \h-...losing weight, so...
-[woman] Thank you. -...very nice. Oh.
-Well, you look great. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Thank you.
How about a, uh, cold read?
Sure, let’s do it.
And action.
"My face is a..."
\h\h[clears throat] Sorry. Can I do it one more time?
-[Vic] Sure. \h-"My fa..."
\h\h"My face is a pimply mess and I don’t know what to do."
[Vic] Cut. Fantabulous!
\h-You still got it, man. -Thank you. Thanks, Vic.
-Really terrific. \h\h\h-All right.
\h\h\h\h-[Gale] Thanks, Gary. -It was good to see you guys.
-[Gale] Great to see you. \h\h\h-[woman] Bye, Gary.
\h\h-[Gale] Bye, Gary. -[Gary] Bye, you guys.
[announcer on radio] \hMr. Clean Man Show
\h\h\h\h\hwith special guest brings a super soulful group
to the Earth in PV \h\h\hthis Tuesday.
Move to Mr. Clean Tuesday \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hat Earth.
Call 262-0797.
[ad jingle plays on radio]
-Yum. -Mmm.
[radio DJ] What you’re \h\h\h\h\hlistening to
is Todd Rundgren’s new album.
Now if you have a pair \h\h\h\hof headphones,
you better get ’em out and get ’em cranked up
\h\h’cause they’re really gonna help.
[rock music playing on radio]
Something/Anything? written, performed
and produced by Todd Rundgren,
now on Bearsville Records,
\h\h\hwherever tapes and records are sold.
[rock music continues playing]
\h\h\h\h[woman on radio] Do you have sinus spray?
\hMom, do you wanna eat the burgers in the car
or at home?
\h\h[man on radio] Oh, you must mean Sine-Off?
\h\h-[Anita] Mmm. -[woman] Exactly.
Do you wanna go home?
Let’s go home.
[TV host] What should Mom do? \h\h\h\hSleep with the kids?
Tell Henrietta no?
Or make sure they all have \htheir own sleeping bags?
"Make sure they all have
-their own sleeping bags." -Your 13-year-old daughter
wants to have a co-ed \h\h\hslumber party.
What should Mom do, Mike?
[Mike] No question in my mind. \h\h\h\h\h\hTell Henrietta no.
Provide separate rooms, uh-uh.
Tell Henrietta no. \hThat’s, that’s...
[host] Mike would say, "Henrietta, no." Sheri?
\h[Sheri] I would love to sleep with the kids,
but I think as long as she’s only 13, I agree.
[people laughing on TV]
We agree. I would tell her no. No, no slumber parties.
\h\h\h[host] All right, Sheri agrees with Mike.
-[people laughing on TV] -[Mike] It’s a good thing
that you agreed with me \h\h\h\h\hon that one.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[boy] Is Alana there?
Yeah. Who’s this?
Lance.
Yeah, hold on one second.
Alana, it’s Lance.
\h\h[TV host] I believe that you should provide separate rooms.
I don’t think you should call the party off, or...
Hello?
Lance?
Hello?
\h\h\h\h[man on TV] Well, they might try something.
[Alana] Can you hear me?
[man] If you’re gonna be there \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto stop them...
If you’re a good parent, \hand you’re watching...
[Alana] I can hear someone breathing.
[host] All right, Chuck,
that’s not exactly agreeing \h\h\h\h\hwith them, but...
\h\h\h-[Chuck] No. -[host] Chuck says,
"Provide separate rooms."
Marina, do you agree \h\h\h\h\hwith Chuck?
[Marina] No, this is where we start again.
We always disagree. [laughs]
\h\h-[phone rings] -I’m going to tell
\h\h\h\h\h\hHenrietta no. I think she’s too young.
And I wouldn’t even let her \h\hhave a girl sleeping...
[phone continues ringing]
The phone’s ringing.
[Marina] I don’t \hagree with him. I agree with him.
-I don’t care if she knows... \h-[phone continues ringing]
[host] So Marina says,
"No. No co-ed slumber \h\h\hparty." Louis?
\h\h\h[Louis] Well, I think I’d provide separate rooms.
[woman 1] No, you just can’t.
You tell Henrietta no. \h\h\hShe’s too young.
[TV chattering indistinctly]
[people laughing on TV]
[woman 2] Max?
-[Max] Yes, ma’am? -[woman 2] Is there \h\hsomeone there?
[Max] Yes, madam.
\h\h[host] Okay, Louis. Provide separate rooms.
\h\hLouis says provide separate rooms. Tracy?
[woman 1] I’d tell Henrietta no \h\h\hbecause she’s too young.
[people laughing on TV]
[host] Mike and Sheri were the only couple
\h\h\hwho agrees with telling Henrietta no.
Not one of you had said, \h\h\hsuggested sleeping \h\h\h\h\hwith the kids.
[people singing in Hebrew]
[continue singing in Hebrew]
♪ Amen ♪
Nice.
Lance...
are you ready for nice dinner?
-Very ready. \h\h\h-Good.
Thank you for having me again.
Wonderful.
Are you ready to do a berakhah \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon the challah?
Oh, wow, thank you. Uh,
\h\h\hhowever, I must respectfully refuse. \h\h\hI’m an atheist.
[Alana] You’re Jewish.
Well, you’re certainly right.
I was born into Judaism,
\hbut my personal path has led me to atheism.
You see, I just can’t believe \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthere’s a God
when I see all the suffering in \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthe world.
Vietnam, you know?
So, with all due respect, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hno, sir.
I can’t do the blessing, \h\h\h\h\hbut thank you.
What does your penis look like?
[chuckles] What?
What does your penis look like?
Like a regular penis, I guess.
Is it circumcised?
Yeah.
Then you’re a fucking Jew!
Why would you do that? Why would you do that?
He was maybe gonna be \h\h\h\hmy boyfriend.
Listen, young lady,
you don’t bring this idiot \h\hto Shabbat dinner here.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hListen, Dad, he’s an atheist, and an actor,
-and he’s famous. -But he’s Jewish.
He was gonna take me \h\h\h\hout of here.
\hEste, don’t you even look at me.
Don’t you even look at me.
-You’re always looking at me. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No.
-I didn’t even say anything. \h\h\h\h-What are you doing?
\h\h\h\hWhat are you doing? What are you thinking, huh?
"I’m Este. I work for Mom and Dad. \h\hI’m perfect.
I’m a real estate agent.
Alana doesn’t have her life together.
Alana brings home stupid boyfriends \hall the time."
-I mean... -I knew it.
\h\h\h\hI knew that was what you were thinking.
You’re always thinking things, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou thinker.
You thinker! You think things!
[inhales sharply]
[exhales deeply]
Gotta stop fighting with \heveryone all the time.
Oh, fuck off, Danielle.
[scoffs]
[jazzy crooner music playing]
[music continues]
[woman] Hello, baby. \hHow can I help you?
What is that?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat is a bed made of water, sweetheart.
What’s your name?
Gary.
Gary,
\h\h\h\h\h\hwon’t you come in and take a closer look at it.
It won’t bite.
Come on, baby.
[music continues playing]
It’s nice, isn’t it?
Hop on.
[water sloshing]
Groove on that.
[Gary] How much does it cost?
[man] $69.95.
Do you dig it?
Do you love it?
\hNobody’s gonna sleep on mattresses anymore.
That’s old hat, Jack.
That’s for squares.
[Gary] Do you sell \h\ha lot of these?
No, you’re my first customer.
\h[Gary] How long has it been out?
[man] Just a couple of days.
It’s modern edge.
Out-there, sleep and dream \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\htechnology.
Liquid luxury for you.
\hYou can impress your lady friend.
\h\h[radio announcer] \h\h\hTeen-Age Fair, Hollywood Palladium.
Rock with Jericho, \h\h\hCrystal Fire,
Nirvana, and others.
\hBigger, more fun, the Teen-Age Fair.
Friday, April 2nd, \h6:00 to midnight,
then every day through Easter.
[man] Easily, baby, but you’d never...
[chattering indistinctly]
[muffled music playing]
[announcer] What do you mean \h\h\h\hhe’s upstairs eating?
He’s gotta get down here.
Get him on the phone, man, \h\h\hor get him down here.
\h\h\h\h\h-Come on, boys. -[announcer] Call Vince.
Now, I’m telling you,
\h\h\hthe Teen-Age Fair is not open, all right?
God Almighty.
[psychedelic music playing]
I don’t know why I come down here all the time,
I really don’t.
You don’t listen to me.
Sonny and Cher, Tim. \h\h\hSonny and Cher.
Nope. No Sonny.
[announcer] Nobody cares \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbut me.
[man] We’re not opening yet. \h\h\h\h\hPlease don’t touch
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-the stuff, okay? -[announcer] Every single year,
-we show up. -[kid] Okay.
-We’re not open yet. \h\h\h\h\h-So you’re
\h-the real Herman Munster? -Can I have your autograph?
No, we’re not open. \hYes, I’m the real \h\hHerman Munster,
but you can’t be here \h\h\h\h\hright now.
You can’t go through here.
Go on!
-[music continues playing] \h\h\h\h-[people chattering \h\h\h\h\h\h\hindistinctly]
Kevin!
I got a really good idea.
[Gary] Okay.
Um, I have my dad’s pipe.
\h\h\hSo, we should give your customers some weed
to help sell waterbeds.
Yeah, that is actually \h\h\h\h\ha good idea.
Do you mind grabbing lights \h\h\h\h\h\h\hfrom the car?
-Yeah, okay. \h-Thank you.
Weird-ohs.
Let me see.
Taco mini-bike.
Black light.
Photo booth.
Okay. Let’s sell some beds.
[objects clatter]
There’s my star. There’s my star.
\h[announcer] Well, \h\hgather around, all you cool cats.
Magical. Magical.
Head right here, facing that way.
Lovely. Lovely. Look that way. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLook that way.
Arm like this. Arm like this.
Who wants to be famous?
\h\h\h-Hey, Gary. Gary. Hey. -Just guess the amount of...
I think I know where I can find some LSD.
Do you think that would be \h\h\hbetter than the weed?
\hNo, no, no. Keep it with the grass, man.
\h\h\h-Keep it with the grass. -All right. Okay, sounds good.
Keep it with the grass.
\h\h\h\h\hHave you guys ever been to the ocean?
-Yeah, why? \h\h-Sure.
\h\h\h\hYou remember that \h\h\hrelaxing feeling of just laying on the water?
-Laying on the water? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.
\h\h\h\hHave that every night with a Soggy Bottom waterbed.
Keep the energy up, Kiki.
[announcer] The Los Angeles \hUnified School District,
the best district in the world.
[people applauding]
Ladies and gentlemen, \h\h\hMiss Pasadena.
Next up, from the heart \h\hof Burbank is Mary.
Mary is Miss Burbank.
Third generation chef.
\h\h\h\h\hHer grandmother and mother love to cook.
Hello, gorgeous.
Hello, handsome.
Come here often?
No, ’cause I’m not a teenager.
I’m selling earrings \hfor my friend JoJo.
\h\hIs your bottom soggy? Having trouble sleeping?
\hWell, now that you mention it...
Boyfriend trouble?
\h\h\h\h\h[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
\h\h\h\h\h\hlet’s hear it for all of the finalists.
No boyfriend.
[people applauding softly]
So I don’t really have trouble.
Well, that’s good.
Let me introduce you
to the greatest invention \h\h\h\hin sleeping since \h\h\h\hthe inner spring.
\h\h[announcer] And don’t forget, we have the movies of Tarzana.
[Alana] I’ve seen these before. \h\h\h\h\h\hThese are far out.
Oh, hi, Kiki.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHey, Alana. What are you doing here?
\h[Alana] Seeing this little David Cassidy.
What are you doing here?
I’m working for him.
[Alana] Is that so?
So, how many dots is it?
[Kiki] Who knows? I don’t think \h\h\h\h\h\hthey even counted.
\h\h\h\h\h-Hey! -[Alana] Whoa!
Whoa. Whoa.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Kiki] Gary. -[Alana] Hey! What’s going on?
\h-[Kiki] Gary! -[Alana] Gary!
Officers?
-What’s going... \h\h-[Kiki] Gary!
[Gary] What? Officer, what...
[Kiki] No, Gary! No! No! Gary!
[Alana] There must \h\h\hbe a mistake.
\h\h\h\h\h-[Kiki] Gary! -Gary, what did you do?
-Officer, what did I do? -Officers, he’s innocent,
\h\h\h\h\h\h-he’s a kid. -I promise I’m innocent.
\h\h\h\h\h-He has rights! -Officer, what did I do?
-What are your badge numbers? \h\h-Officer, what did I do?
-I will be reporting you... \h\h\h\h\h\h-What did I do?
...to the chief of police \h\h\h\himmediately when \h\h\h\h\hI get outside.
Where’s he going?
Gary, don’t worry.
\h\h\h\h\h\hDon’t worry. I’m gonna find you, okay?
Don’t worry, okay?
[sirens wailing]
[dispatcher] 187. Suspect is wearing a blue shirt,
\h\h\h\h\h\hlong red-brown hair. Suspect is armed and dangerous.
[panting]
[grunts]
Fuck.
Fuck off, teenagers!
[dispatcher] 187.
Suspect headed south on Vine, \h\h\h\hturned left on Selma.
Headed south on Argyle.
Made a left into the Palladium.
\h\h\h\hSuspect is wearing a blue shirt, white pants.
White male, aged 16, long red-brown hair.
Suspect is armed and dangerous.
I’m not 16, I’m 15.
My birthday is not till next \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hmonth.
[officer] You’re going to jail, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbig boy.
You’re going to jail \h\h\h\h\hfor murder.
Have fun in Attica, dickhead.
[sighs]
[psychedelic music continues playing]
Hey, that’s him?
That’s not him.
Come on.
[handcuffs rattling]
[handcuffs clicking]
Come on.
Come on!
[imperceptible]
[muffled] What did you do?
Did you murder someone, huh?
What, do you have drugs on you?
What did you do, Gary?
[60s pop music playing]
[Tim] Do you still have \h\h\h\h\h\h\hthe pipe?
-No, no... -[laughing]
[Kirk] No, I threw it out. \h\h\h\h\h\hI threw it out.
[all laughing]
\h\hHey, "Soggy Bottom" sounds like someone shit their pants.
[laughing]
I know, I know.
-That’s not good. \h\h\h\h-I know.
That’s only funny to you guys.
But when someone wants \h\h\h\h\hto buy a bed,
they don’t wanna think about \hshitting or shitty diapers,
or shit in pants.
Well, the bed’s not just \h\hfor sleeping, Alana.
Well, if it’s not just \hfor sleeping, I think you mean it’s for sex.
"Soggy Bottom" isn’t making \h\h\hanyone hot or horny.
It doesn’t make you hot?
No.
[man] "Everybody’s talking \h\h\h\h\h\habout waterbeds \h\h\h\hthese days, right?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd, uh, it’s with good reason,
because the waterbed is the greatest thing
\hto happen to sleep \hsince the invention of the inner spring."
[chuckles] Okay.
\h\h"If you’ve been thinking about getting a waterbed now,
you can have one delivered \h\h\h\hto your very door.
\hAll you gotta do is call \h\h\h\hthe world’s largest manufacturer of waterbeds,
Pacific Waterbeds.
They present Fat Bernie’s \h\hking-size waterbeds."
I love the name. Yeah.
\h\h\h"Six foot by seven foot \h\h\h\h\h\hwaterbed, you got a $100 value for only $39.95.
Thirty-nine dollars \h\h\hand 95 cents \hfor your very own
king-size Fat Bernie waterbed \h\h\h\h\h\h\hif you act now.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCall 451-3631 and have a Fat Bernie Waterbed
delivered COD right to your very door.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWith a 10-day \h\hmoney-back guarantee if you’re not satisfied.
\h\h\h\hYour loved one will love you for it."
Well, whomever he or she \h\h\h\hmay be, or maybe \hyou have two or three,
or, uh, maybe you wanna tell somebody that you love them,
you’re not exactly sure how you’re gonna do it,
\h\hyou can tell them \h\hwith a king-size Fat Bernie waterbed.
Now, you’ll even love \h\hyourself for it.
Maybe all you wanna do is just
ensconce yourself in your own \h\h\h\h\hking-size waterbed
with nobody around \h\hto bother you.
\h\h\h\h\hThat is some real narcissism, okay?
It’s KPPC Pasadena, we’ve got \h\hThe Doors coming up next.
[psychedelic rock \hmusic playing]
\h[man] You’re right. You’re always right.
[tires squeal]
[phone ringing]
\h\h\hFat Bernie’s, how may I help you?
[phone ringing]
\h-Oh, great. -Shit. Shit.
[psychedelic rock music \h\hcontinues playing]
Pacific Waterbeds presents \h\hFat Bernie’s Waterbeds.
How may I help you?
[psychedelic rock music \h\hcontinues playing]
-Hiya, Gene. \h\h\h\h-Hi.
-What do you got today? \h\h\h\h\h\h-Hi, Gene.
\h\h\h\h\h-[Gene] Hello. -[Gary] Just some boxes.
[psychedelic rock music \h\hcontinues playing]
[Gene] Okay.
Assholes!
Take it.
[Gary] Twenty, 25, 30. Just 30.
I got 400. 400.
\h\h\h-[Kirk] 150. -[Gary] I have 400,
and then you have...
Wait a sec. What were the five?
Fifty here.
Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right.
\h\h\h\h-[Greg] 30. -[Kirk] There’s 21.
Twenty-one’s there.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd then how much was the change?
[Gary] Wait, I think there \hmight have been 19 there.
\h\h\h\h-[others laughing] -Not that good of a start.
[Mark] No, we have 21.
[Kirk] No, we only had 19.
"Fat Bernie’s..."
It’s small on the bottom.
Too many "Fat Bernie’s."
Yeah, but it can be small. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s fine.
And then...
Let’s try...
[TV announcer] To radiate \hthe specimen with your \h\hionization nebulizer.
Now, back to the ship.
Are you left-handed?
Yeah. You didn’t know that?
No.
I’ve never met anyone \hleft-handed before.
Really?
Gary!
-[chuckles] There he is. \h\h\h\h\h-[Gary] Jerry.
Good to see you. How you doing?
-Good to see you, my friend. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Good to see you.
-All right. -Hi, Mioko.
No, no, no. Mioko is gone.
This is my new wife, \hKimiko. [chuckles]
\h\h\h\h-Hi, Kimiko. -Pretty as a picture.
Who’s this pretty thing?
\h\h\h\h\h\hUh, this is my lady friend, Alana.
-How do you do, Alana? \h\h-Business partner.
A pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
Jerry, I want to talk \hto you about this,
\h\h\h-by the way. -Hold up, hold up.
Let’s do it right. \h\hLet’s sit down
\hand have something to drink first, okay?
-Sounds great. \h\h-After you.
-Thank you, Jerry. \h\h\h\h-[chuckles]
[Jerry] Oh, Gary, I love you, \h\h\hand I wanna do anything \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor you.
But I just don’t really think \hthese fit in my restaurant.
We’re Japanese,
and this waterbed business \h\h\his strictly American.
[in faux Japanese accent] \h\h\h\h\h\h\hUh, Kimiko,
\hwhat you think of this waterbed?
[speaking Japanese]
[Jerry] Mmm-hmm.
What did she just say?
\h\hIt’s hard to tell, I don’t speak Japanese.
Gary, I wanna help,
but can I help without putting \hthese out inside everywhere?
Oh, hey, Alana.
Hey, Frisbee.
You work here?
\h\hUnfortunately. What are you doing?
\h\h\h\h\hHelping my friend with his waterbed business.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Gary? -Yeah. You know him?
Yeah, I love that kid.
-You love him? \h\h\h-Uh-huh.
How do you know him?
He’s in here all the time. \hHe’s a friend of Jerry’s.
Yeah.
He’s cute for a little hustler.
He’s also really smart and a good businessman.
[Frisbee] Mmm-hmm.
Hey, you still work \h\h\hat Tiny Toes?
No, I’m partners with Gary now.
Oh, the "Hand Man."
\hDid he try and get a hand job from you?
[spits]
Yeah, he’s asking all the time.
\h\h\hGood. I’ll pass the baton off to you.
Okay, I’ll see you \h\hlater, Frisbee.
\h\h\h\h\hOkay. Say hi to your sisters for me.
[music playing faintly \h\h\h\h\h\hon stereo]
[Gary grunts]
[Gary sniffles]
\h\h\h[Alana] I could describe \h\h\hthe sensation as a soft, spongy, slow-motion trampoline
without the great bounce.
Sexier.
Sexier. Make it sexier.
\h[man on phone] But there’s no...
-[mouths] Shut up. \h-[man] I can’t...
There’s no floor model \h\h\h\hfor me to try?
No, but you can get the bed
and if you don’t like it, \hwe can do a money-back \h\h\h\h\h\h\hguarantee.
Alana, you have to be sexier
-or he’s not gonna buy it. \h\h\h-I think I just wanna
\h\h\h\hthink about it for \h\h\h\ha while, then maybe I’ll give you a call back.
\h\h\hDon’t let him get off the phone.
What’s your name?
Uh, Ted.
Ted.
Yes.
Oh, Ted, I love that name.
[chuckles] Okay...
My name’s Alana.
Hi, Alana.
Can I come and install \h\h\hthe bed for you?
What?
\h\h\h\h\h\hI’d lay it down and show you how it works.
It moves in a similar way \h\h\h\h\hto the ocean...
wet inside.
\h\h\h\hAnd it takes some getting used to, but once you’re in there, oh, Ted,
\h\h\h\h\hI don’t think you’re gonna be asking any questions.
Sounds like you just sold \h\h\ha waterbed, Alana.
Tell me, what time can you \h\hbe over with that bed?
Oh, well. Eager. [chuckles]
I have to wait until \h\hmy work is done.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I have a mean, old boss \hthat makes me work all day.
Why don’t you tell Fat Bernie \h\h\h\h\hyou have work to do \h\h\h\hand get out of there?
Oh. Fat Bernie is so mean, Ted.
Sounds like it.
He keeps me locked up inside.
But you know what, Ted?
What’s that?
\h\h\h\h\h\hI know you’re gonna love our wet beds.
-You know what they come with? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-What’s that?
A wood headboard.
And that wood is strong and sticks straight up \h\h\hagainst the wall.
That sounds great.
We don’t have wood headboards.
[Alana] I’m gonna hand you off \h\h\h\hto my associate, Kirk,
and he’s gonna take down \h\hall your information,
\h\h\h\h\h\hand I will be at your place later, Ted.
\h\h\h\hThank you for calling Fat Bernie’s. \h\hHave a nice day.
What are you doing? We don’t have beds.
Well, we better get some,
because water in a plastic bag \h\h\h\h\h\his a water balloon.
With a frame, it’s a bed.
\h\h\h\hLet’s just go to Northridge Lumber,
\h\h\h-they have real good... \h\h\h-I wrote good dialogue. You’re improvising too much.
\h\h\h\h\hYou told me to make it more sexy.
\h\h\h\hI told you to make it more sexy, I didn’t tell you,
"Go over to the guy’s house \h\h\hand get in his bed."
I told you I’m a good actress, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hGary. I told you.
Don’t tell me to make it \h\h\h\h\hmore sexy, man.
\hIf you want it more sexy, I’ll make it fucking horny.
[Anita] We just have our own \h\h\h\h\h\hdreams and ideas.
And so we’ll just...
\h\h\h\hSo, just say yes. To whatever she asks you, \h\h\h\h\h\hjust say yes.
Let’s say, if she asks you \hif you can sing, say yes.
If she asks if you can dance, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hsay yes.
I can sing, and I can dance.
No, I know. I know. I know.
I’m just saying that \h\h\hif she asks you
if you can do something that you might not know how to do,
just say yes.
\hBecause you can always learn how to do something
once you get the part.
\h\h\hSo just say yes to whatever she asks.
Whatever she asks, \h\h\hjust say yes.
-Just say yes, just say yes... \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Okay, I got it.
[Gary] Okay.
-Hi, Janice. \h-Hi, Gary.
\h\h\h-Mary. -Oh, darling.
\h\h\h\hSo, Gary tells me that you’ve been studying
at Everywoman’s Village \h\hwith Milton Farmer.
[Alana] Yes.
\h\hI love his work with young actors.
He is a miracle worker.
[Alana chuckles]
You have a warm smile,
which is very powerful.
\h\h\hAnd you have a very Jewish nose,
which is becoming very fashionable.
\h\h\hI am getting a lot more requests
for Jewish girls.
[Alana] Really? That’s great.
[phone rings]
No.
[laughs]
No.
Love to Tatum.
Are you athletic?
You seem to have a very firm body.
Yes.
\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you know how to horseback ride?
Yes.
\h\hUh, do you know how to do fencing?
Yes, I can fence.
-Basketball? \h\h\h\h-Yes.
-Baseball? \h\h\h-Yes.
-Soccer? \h\h-Yes.
\h\h\h\hAny other sports \h\h\h\hor special skills that I should know about?
I studied Krav Maga.
\hWell, I don’t know what that is. What is "Quick Draw McGraw"?
It’s martial arts from Israel. \h\h\h\h\hIt’s used in combat.
My dad was in the Israeli Army. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWe all know it.
So it’s a form of karate, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hlet’s say?
\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s more like, \h\h\h\h\h"How to use a pen to stab someone’s eye out."
\h\h\h\h\h\hYou’re a goddamn fucking fighter, aren’t you?
I like that.
I can see that.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou come here trying to be all pretty for me,
but really, you remind me...
of a dog.
Of an English pit bull dog...
with sex appeal...
and...
a very Jewish nose.
[both chuckle]
\h\h\h\h\hDo you know any other languages?
Besides English?
Hebrew.
\h-Besides Hebrew. -Oh, I’m so sorry.
Um... Spanish...
[Mary] Oh.
French...
[Mary] Mmm-hmm.
Latin...
And Portuguese.
Bueno.
Fantastico. [chuckles]
\h\h[in English] Would you be willing to work topless?
Yes.
No.
You will lose out on work \h\hif you’re not willing \h\h\h\h\h\hto do nudity.
So you’d be naked in a movie, \h\h\h\h\h\hbut you wouldn’t \h\h\h\h\h\hmake out with me?
You’d show the whole world \h\hyour boobs, but I’m not \h\h\h\h\h\hallowed to see?
\hYou told me to say yes to everything, remember?
I told you to say no \h\h\hto that, Alana.
Well, I didn’t know \h\h\hwhat to say.
Say "no!"
I would get naked in a movie \h\h\hif it gave me the part.
Actresses get naked in movies \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall the time.
What’s wrong with that, Gary?
Because there’s too much nudity
-in pictures right now. \h\h\h\h\h-Oh, come on.
And you’re my friend. We’re friends, Alana.
And you’d do it in a movie,
\h\h\hyou’d show your boobs in a movie but you wouldn’t \h\h\h\h\hshow them to me!
\h\hWhy won’t you ask someone your age to see their boobs?
Because I’m asking you!
[tires screech]
\h\h\h\h-[car engine idling] -[car radio playing faintly]
[urgent knocking on door]
Do you really wanna \h\h\hsee my boobs?
Yes.
\h\h-Where’s Greg? -He’s in his room.
Can I touch them?
No.
\hIf you ever say anything \h\h\hto anyone, I’m never speaking to you ever again.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
[music playing faintly \h\h\h\h\h\hover radio]
\h\h\hDo you think it’s weird \h\h\h\hI hang out with Gary and his friends all the time?
No.
I think it’s weird.
It is whatever you think it is.
\h\h\hI think it’s weird that I hang out with Gary
and his 15-year-old friends \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthe time.
\h\h[man on radio] \hA public service from Earth Limited.
[upbeat music playing]
Are you happy?
Yes, I’m happy. Are you happy?
If you’re happy, I’m happy.
Of course, I’m happy!
You look so great.
Really?
[softly] Wow.
[Greg] The best kind of vinyl.
Like, "Land-ho..."
as it says on the sign.
It says "Land ho!" right there.
-You can float away on it. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Riverboat.
Great for your back \h\hand your neck.
\hAnd you could just float away on a boat.
Right on your back, \h\hor right here.
And Arabian vinyl
-is the best kind of vinyl. \h\h\h-It’s the best kind.
Nothing will puncture. \h\h\h\h\hWe tested it.
We tested it under, like,
the worst conditions.
This is our "Big Bernie."
-It’s the "Serious Sleeper." \h\h\h\h-That right? Mmm-hmm.
Um... "It’s the classic design \h\hcopied by all the others."
Guys, calm down.
Don’t wrestle on the bed, okay?
I know she likes the bean bag, \hbut you need the Big Bernie.
[woman] Deanna.
[boy] You stop! Shut up!
Sue Pomerantz.
[Sue] Gary Valentine.
[chuckles nervously]
This is our "Arabian Night,"
our highest-end model, and also \hmade from 100% Arabian vinyl.
\h\h\h\hThis is Fat Bernie’s personal king-size mattress.
He has the heater, \h\hthe headboard, the side ashtrays,
-and the lamp fixtures. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Hmm.
\h\h\h\h\hAnd what happens if Fat Bernie falls asleep
while he’s smoking \hin his waterbed?
That is a great question.
Actually, the water is too cold \h\h\h\hto allow the cigarette \h\h\h\h\h\h\hto burn through.
-Oh, that’s smart. \h\h\h\h\h-Uh-huh.
So, it’s cold?
\hWell, in the summer, it is, and in the winter, it isn’t.
Let me take you over here, \h"Land Ho, The Riverboat,"
made with, also, Arabian vinyl.
[Alana] Hi, welcome \hto Fat Bernie’s.
\h\hDon’t forget to sit in the bean bag chair.
Fat Bernie’s waterbeds, \h\h\hbean bag chairs.
Hi, welcome to Fat Bernie’s.
Hi.
Welcome to Fat Bernie’s.
[Gary] These are UL approved.
And if they say you can do it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou can do it.
Hi. And who is this, Gary?
Gary. Hi. I’m the manager here.
-I’m Alana. -[Sue] Mmm.
Alana, Sue. Sue, Alana.
\h\h\h\h-Hi. -[Sue] Hello,
it’s nice to meet you.
Hey, Gary, can I steal you \h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor a second?
I just wanna see how you want \h\hthese orders written out.
[Gary] I’ll be right there.
Well, I really need \h\h\hto know soon,
\h\h\h\hbecause I really want the paperwork to be correct.
We don’t wanna get it wrong \hon the first day, do we?
I’ll be right there.
Is everything okay?
Yes, of course.
Is that your girlfriend?
No, that is not my girlfriend.
\h\hDoes it seem like she’s my girlfriend?
\h\h\h-Kind of. -[Gary scoffs]
No. I mean...
No. She works for me.
She used to be my babysitter.
\hNow, I’m gonna take you over here. This is the...
[playing slow rock]
[both grunt]
\h\h-I’m so high. -[liquid pouring]
Kirk got me stoned.
Okay...
I’m very happy, Gary.
[Gary] Mmm-hmm.
Congratulations.
We did this together, \h\h\h\h\hdidn’t we?
-Uh-huh. We did. Okay. \h\h\h\h\h\h-We did it.
Are you happy?
[music continues]
[muffled music continues]
[kissing sounds]
[Alana grunts]
[mumbles] Oh, shit.
[man] Hey, come back, toots.
\h[male announcer] Sunday Night Movie
presents some of the most outstanding feature films
in motion picture history.
Excuse me. What the fuck?
[knocking at door]
[Moti] Alana.
[man] You know, Rainbow, \h\h\h\hyou’re a complete \h\h\h\h\hmystery to me.
I don’t know a word about you.
\hI don’t know who your friends are, if you’ve \h\h\h\hgot parents...
[Moti] Alana!
\h\h\h\h...if you’re in some kind of trouble...
You can tell me, you know.
[Alana as rainbow] There’s no mystery \h\hhere, Frankie.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI come from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know, I’ve heard all the jokes.
I didn’t say a word.
It gets better.
\h\h\h\h\h\hYou have to pass through "Faithful"
\h\h-to get there. -[Frankie chuckles]
That must be quite some cross to bear.
[chuckles]
My parents are dead.
\h\hThey were killed in an automobile accident \h\h\h\hfive years ago.
They were nice people.
\hNothing really happens in Intercourse, you know.
\h\h\h\h\h\hSo as soon as I graduated high school,
I grabbed my bag and my guitar, \h\h\hand I came to California.
And, cut-a-rooski.
-That was wonderful. \h-Thank you, Alana.
\hThis says you know how to ride a horse.
Yes.
And you speak Portuguese.
Mmm-hmm.
Rainbow loves horses \h\h\h\hand archery.
\h\h\hThat’s a subplot we’ve been developing.
\h\h\h\h\hWe would wanna make sure that actresses \h\h\hunder consideration
\h\h\h\h\h\hare capable of doing these things.
Yes, I can do both.
\h\hThank you, Alana. Thank you for coming.
I feel like I’ve been with \h\hRainbow for 10 minutes,
don’t you, Jack?
Absolutely.
[Alana] Thank you, Mr. Holden.
You know...
you remind me of Grace.
Kelly?
[car engine roaring]
-[piano music playing softly] \h\h\h\h-[waiter] Mr. Holden,
another martini, sir?
Yes, please.
Another?
Sure.
-Make it three. -[waiter] Okay.
\hI’ve never had a martini before.
They’re good.
The jungle.
That’s where I’m most myself.
Not this jungle.
Africa.
Oh. Yes, Africa.
\hI saw two of my best Black friends beheaded \h\h\h\h\hin the Congo.
I’ll tell you intimacies I’ve shared with no one.
\hBut don’t ask me about Kuala Lumpur.
Is this lines
or is this real?
\h\h\h\h\hYou’re such a delicate creature.
You are Rainbow.
I’m Jewish.
[Jack laughs]
What’s funny?
\h-[coughs] -It’s true.
Is that Rex damn Blau?
Who said Blau?
[Jack] Right over here. Blau!
Jack!
Wait till you meet
-this character. -[Alana chuckles]
[Rex] Jack goddamn Holden. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBang.
You son of a bitch from hell, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hget over here.
You shiny, golden,
tall, inexpensive prick.
-[Jack chuckles] My goodness. \h\h-It’s so good to see you.
[Jack] There is God’s...
[both mumble unintelligibly]
\h[Gary] Think of any six numbers, I can guess them.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[girl] Okay. -I can guess them. All right.
\h\h\h\h\h-Okay. -You’re thinking
six, three, four, five.
\h-Hey. -Henri!
-Always happy to see you. \h\h\h\h-Good to see you.
-Good to see you as well. \h-Yeah, are you staying?
I’m great, yes. Of course.
Hey. We can always do \h\htake-out tonight.
-He looks around. \h\h\h\h-No way.
He’s all scruffy.
Interesting development \h\hto the plot, Henri.
Well, let’s not have any trouble, please.
No trouble, no trouble.
This is Tail o’ the Cock, \h\h\h\hthis is my place.
Yes, I’m staying.
It’s a table for four, please. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTable 38?
Well, tonight you might want \h\h\h\h\ha different table.
-What do you think? \h-Table 38, Henri.
With direct sight lines.
Direct sight lines, huh? Okay.
[Jack laughs] Oh, no.
[Rex] Full of gas on the railroad.
Now, you know what I’d like to say...
Have you ever seen him \h\h\h\h\h\hon a bike?
[Jack] I see it spin.
Good.
I know you know I knew
\h\h\h\h\h-and know I do. -[Rex] No. Yeah, well...
I’m patient. I’m a patient man.
The hell you are.
[Rex] There is this kind of \h\h\ha biblical feeling...
[Jack] Yeah, but... \h\hIt’s just not.
\h\h[Henri] Someone will be right over.
-Thank you, Henri. \h\h\h\h-Thank you.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Jack chuckles] -Watch, you gotta watch him.
Oh, yeah.
\h\h[Jack] Oh, no. Whatever it isn’t.
[Rex] Jack,
you know what I got out there in the parking lot right now?
[Jack laughs]
-Right on. -[Rex] Mmm.
650cc.
No, no. You mischievous man.
\h\h\h\h\hA full desert sled. It’s out there for you, Jack.
It’s built for you.
-I’m seeing it spin now. \h\h-[Rex] It’s spinning.
\h\hI know it’s spinning, and it’s gotta spin back.
\h\h\h[Rex] Come on, you know you want it.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Jack] No. -[Rex] You know you need it.
Oh, yeah, you do.
\h\h\h\h-[Jack] Oh, yeah? -[Rex] Oh, yeah, you bet.
Gary, Gary, Gary, I see Alana.
[shushing] Kirk, assassin’s focus.
\h\h\hGritted teeth and fixed bayonets.
\h[Jack and Rex continue conversing indistinctly]
[Jack and Rex grunting]
-[Rex] Armand! -Okay. Bastard.
What are you guys \htalking about?
Bastard.
What are we doing?
[Armand] Yes, Mr. Rex?
\h\h\h\h\hArmand, I need three wing-back chairs from the bar,
I need a bottle of Everclear,
I need plenty of grease \h\h\hfrom the kitchen.
And I want you to meet me \h\h\hon the eighth hole
\h\hby the sand trap, dos minutos. Pronto.
Apurarse.
We’re burning daylight!
[Rex laughs]
\h\hI gotta do some prep. I’ll see you kids later.
[Kirk slurps noisily]
Did you see No Time for Honor?
-[girl] With Jack Holden? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.
\h[Gary] Do you guys wanna order martinis?
I can get us martinis.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’ll get us four martinis right now.
"The Bridges span a narrow gap \h\h\h\h\hbetween two targets.
They’re the most important \htargets in all of Korea.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hConsequently, they’re fortified accordingly.
Although we’re only over \hthe targets 30 seconds,
it’s a lifetime."
We’re going to Korea?
I don’t understand.
But I’m sexy, right?
"Every gun imaginable
is hidden in those \h\hmountainsides.
And the men behind the guns..."
Mmm-hmm.
"They know where we’re coming from
and where we’re headed.
\h\hWe’re gonna fly right between them.
\hWe’re gonna fly low and straight
with no element of surprise.
And they’re just sitting there
waiting for us,
hoping we’ll come.
Those are the Bridges of Toko-San, Nancy."
[Rex] Ladies and gentlemen,
good people of The Cock,
put that dinner down.
That salad can wait.
Let that steak get cold.
\h’Cause tonight, we have \h\h\h\h\ha man who needs no introduction, really.
His name is Mr. Jack Holden.
[diners exclaim \hand applaud]
[Rex] That’s right.
And if you’ve seen \h\h\hhis pictures,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthen you know that every goddamn one of them
has got Jack riding \h\h\ha motorcycle,
as if it’s the only way
\h\h-to travel. -[diners laugh]
Whether he’s in the jungle, \h\h\h\hor he’s in Manila,
or he’s in Paris,
or if he’s in Rio de Janeiro.
They don’t have taxis \h\h\hin the desert.
[diners laugh]
[Rex] Thank you, Jack.
And for those of you
who perhaps may have seen \h\ha little film called,
The Bridges of Toko-San...
-[all applauding] \h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.
Kirk.
[Rex] Jack
and the beautiful Grace Kelly.
Well, tonight, you’re lucky, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h’cause tonight,
\h\hwe bring Toko-San right here to Encino.
[diners whoop and applaud]
That’s right. That’s right.
Thank you. Thank you.
\h\h\h\h\h\hOn your feet now, follow me to the eighth hole.
Here we go.
Would you mind to play Grace?
\h\h\hJack, I don’t know how to ride a motorcycle.
You just have to hold on tight.
Let’s ride.
That’s my Rainbow. \h\hRainbow rides.
Fire up those torches! Now!
Hold on, people. Single file.
Single file. There we go.
Okay. Right along the ridge. \h\h\hRight along the ridge.
Thank you, good people.
[shouts in Spanish]
[in English] Okay, Armand,
\h\hwill you handle that crowd for me?
Okay.
\h\hAll right, people. I need some more flame.
More flame.
God.
It’s a great night for a jump.
[motorcycle engine revs]
[patron 1] I can’t believe it!
\h\h[patron 2] He came here. He’s definitely gonna do it.
[patron 3] I can’t wait \h\h\hto see this shit.
\h[patron 2] Oh, he’s gonna do it.
[people cheering]
All right.
Can I have some quiet \h\h\h\h\hon the set?
Roll sound.
Roll camera A.
Roll camera B.
Okay. Mark it.
Action, Jack.
[revs engine]
Do you even remember what my real name is?
[crowd] Whoa.
[chuckles]
\hKeep your gas. Attaboy. Attaboy.
Looks like he’s coming in hot.
I’m coming, Nancy!
Yeah!
[crowd cheers]
[crowd exclaims]
I fucked up Danielle’s guitar.
Are you okay?
I fucked up Danielle’s guitar.
Oh, man.
I’m all right!
[crowd cheers]
\h[crowd chanting] Toko-San! Toko-San!
Toko-San! Toko-San!
[all cheering]
This man needs a drink!
-To the Cock! -To the Cock!
\h[crowd chanting] Toko-San! Toko-San!
Toko-San!
Toko-San! Toko-San!
[smooth rock music playing]
[siren wailing]
\h\h[Charlie Gibson on TV] ...decided to use their oil \h\has a political weapon.
They will reduce oil production
by 5% a month
until the Israelis withdraw \hfrom occupied territory.
If the Arab countries \h\hkeep that pledge,
\hit would reduce their production
by almost 50% in one year.
[reporter 2 on TV] \hAccording to some \h\hof our leaders,
\h\h\h\h\h\has the Arab oil embargo continues,
the situation will become \h\h\hincreasingly worse
and we may be forced into a gas rationing program.
\h[Richard Nixon on TV] The immediate shortage
\h\h\h\hwill affect the lives of each and every one of us.
In our factories, our cars, \h\hour homes, our offices,
we will have to use less fuel
\h\h\h\h\hthan we are accustomed to using.
The fuel crisis need \h\h\h\h\hnot mean...
Did you know there was \h\h\h\han oil embargo?
[Richard Nixon] ...require \h\hsome sacrifice by all.
Wait, what?
Do you understand any of this?
\h\h\h\h\h\h[reporter 2] Major tie-ups like these
are becoming more frequent \h\h\h\h\h\hin Los Angeles.
\h\h-[interviewer on TV] Will your gas supplies... \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Huh?
...hold out very long?
The beds are made from vinyl, Gary.
Vinyl is made from oil.
[interviewer] Do you have any idea what that means?
It is?
Fucking duh. What did you think it was made out of?
\h\h\h\h-Gold? -I don’t know.
I thought it was, um...
\h\h\h\h-What? Magic? -I thought it was...
Like a scientific fabric.
I thought it was like a rubber.
\hWhich is also made out of oil, dipshit.
\h\h\h[man on TV] Filled up. Have to wait till I got some \hmoney to get it filled up.
\h\h\h[woman on TV] I tried to pump gas
on the way home last night
and had a little success.
What little money I had on me,
\h\h\h\h\hI got a couple of \h\h\hdollars’ worth, but, I’m afraid for the weekend.
[melancholic rock song playing]
[car horn blaring]
\h\h\h\hIt’s the end of the world, Greggo.
[truck engine turns over]
[engine idles and stops]
[engine sputtering]
[Jon] Hey, fellas.
[Gary] Hello.
[Jon] Which one is in charge? \hAre you? Are you in charge?
Yeah, I’m in charge.
[Jon] May I just speak with you \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor a second?
\h-Yeah, sure. -[Jon] Thanks.
You can tell your crew to stop.
Stop for a sec, guys.
Um...
\hSo, this is what I wanna say to you.
Um...
-Do you know who I am? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.
\hDo you know who my girlfriend is?
Barbra Streisand.
Barbra "Streisand."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-"Sand." -"Sand." Yeah, like "sands."
-Like the ocean, like beaches. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Barbra Streisand.
No. "Streisand."
"Sand."
-"Streisand." -"Streisand."
"Barbra Streisand."
[Jon] Are you fucking with me?
All right, let’s get past that.
Hopefully, you never \h\hfucking meet her.
\hShe’ll fucking... You think I’m bad.
So, we’re going to the movies \hright now and I’m on my way \h\h\h\h\h\h\hto pick her up,
so I’m gonna leave you here.
\hBut, I wouldn’t normally leave somebody in my house \h\h\h\hwhen I’m not there,
but I have to because you guys \h\hare so motherfucking late.
-I’m sorry. There was no gas. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah, well,
\h\h\h\h\h\hthat’s an excuse \h\h\h\h\hI’m gonna shove up your fucking penis hole, man.
[sighs] What’s your name?
\h\h\h-Gary. -Gary. Gary.
How big is your penis hole?
It’s regular sized.
Hmm. How would you know?
\h\h\h\h\h\hImagine what that would feel like, if I shoved \h\h\h\hthat excuse up there.
-That would hurt a lot, right? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.
But that’s what I’d like to do.
I’m sorry, I don’t wanna \hmake you any more late
than you already are. \h\h\hYou can leave.
\h\h\h\h\hLook at you, you cocky motherfucker.
I like it.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWe speak \h\h\hthe same language, huh? We’re both from the streets.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
I didn’t see it before. \h\h\h\hThat’s... Wow.
Wow, you get right in there \h\h\h\h\h\hand you do it.
Wow. You have a little, um...
You have a tincture \hin your left eye.
It means that you’re deficient \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin vitamin K.
I’m like a fucking doctor.
You need to take more vitamin D \h\h\h\h\h\hand cod liver oil.
You see that Daytona Ferrari?
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah. -Yeah, that’s mine.
Gary, that’s filled with gas.
\h\hThat’s gonna get me to the movies on time.
\h\h\h\h\h’Cause I’m not a shithead idiot fuck-up,
I’m Jon Peters.
\h\h\hMy only problem in life is that I love tail too much.
I love it. I love it so much.
I love it so much.
-Is that your sister? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No.
-It’s your girlfriend? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No.
\h\h\h\hI love it so much, it’s gonna kill me one day.
-You know how much tail I get? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Gary] No.
[Jon] All of it.
It’s all mine.
-You like Barbra Streisand? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah...
\h\h\h\h-You do? -[Gary] Mmm-hmm.
[Jon] Do you?
Yeah.
I do, too.
Gets boring, but you know...
[sighs] Yeah.
I’m gonna kill you \h\hand your family
if you fuck up my house.
-Okay? Do you have a cat? \h\h\h\h\h-[Gary] No. No.
-[Jon] You got a dog? \h\h\h\h\h-[Gary] No.
-[Jon] Your brother \h\h\hand sister... \h-[Gary] Brother.
\h\hYeah. Your brother? I’m gonna fucking choke
\h\h\hyour brother out right in front of you.
Okay, Steve’s gonna look after you while I’m gone.
Uh, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Gary.
I want you to be horrified.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Gary] Okay. -Your life’s on the line.
But you know from that, right?
It’s the way of the streets.
[engine revs]
[car horn honking]
Miss Streisand?
Hi, it’s Steve. Mmm-hmm.
Yes, he just left.
I also thought you might wanna \h\h\h\h\hknow that he ordered \h\h\ha waterbed this evening.
Right now. Mmm-hmm.
Four small children and a girl \h\h\h\h\h\h\hor a young woman.
\h\h\h\h\h\hTo be honest, I don’t know what she is.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.
\h\h\hYes. Sure will. Thanks, Miss Streisand. Uh-huh. Bye.
Okay.
[water gurgling]
\h\hI used to work with Julie Andrews.
Oh.
She was difficult.
[Kirk] Mmm-hmm.
[water gurgling]
He said he was gonna kill Greg.
We’re done, let’s go.
[engine roars]
Boo.
[boys laugh]
[Kirk] Jerks.
"I’m gonna choke your brother."
Uh-huh.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI kept it inside, but what I wanted to say was,
"No, I’m gonna choke you."
\h\h\h\h\h-Oh, yeah? -I would’ve said it.
\h\h\h\hI was trying to stay cool though.
I was trying to stay...
Scooch over.
[groans]
Back it up. Oh, fuck.
[Jon pants heavily]
\hWe’re going back up the hill, okay?
Okay.
How’d it turn out?
It was good. Went well.
You didn’t fuck up my house, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hdid you?
No.
You okay? Can you see okay?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah. -Well, why don’t you just...
\hWhy don’t you just back in the driveway, and then \h\hyou can go straight.
Steve. Steve.
\h\h\h\h\hYou blew it, man. You blew it. Did she call?
No.
God damn it, Steve.
Where the fuck is the... \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGod damn.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThere’s no gas-o in the goddamn car-o, Steve-o.
Motherfucker.
[sighs]
How long you guys \hbeen together?
-Me and her? \h\h\h-Yeah.
-Oh, we’re not together. \h\h-We’re not together.
Why not?
I don’t know.
What?
I’m 28.
-What’s that? \h\h-I’m 25.
\h\h\h\h\hYou’re 25? When’s your birthday?
-December. -December.
Are you a Capricorn? \h\h\h\hSagittarius?
-Sagittarius. -Sagittarius.
December what? 13?
-Fifteen. -Fifteen.
I was only two off.
[Jon chuckles]
\h\h\h\hWhat do you wanna do if you’re not gonna do hair?
\h\hDo you have sisters, or brothers, or anything?
Sisters.
Are they older or younger?
Older.
So you’re the youngest?
How about your dad?
Do you have a good relationship \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith your dad?
\h\h\h\h-Yeah. -What’s he do?
Real estate.
Oh, yeah?
Did he teach you how to drive?
You’re really good at it.
-Thanks. \h-Yeah.
\hIt’s not easy. Gary can’t do it.
All right. Just slow it \h\h\h\hdown now, okay? \h\h\h\h\hThere she is.
\hOkay, do you have enough room? Yeah?
-[Alana] Mm-hmm. -[Jon] You sure?
I think so.
\hI parked on the side so no one would hit it.
You know what? Here.
\h\h\h\h\hI don’t want you to have to bear the burden \h\h\h\hin case we hit it.
\hHere, why don’t I take the wheel,
\h\h\h\h\hand then you just put your foot on the clutch
and just feather the brake.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s it. We’ll do it together, okay?
\h\h\h\h\hYeah, we’ll do it together, okay? \h\h\h\h\hHere we go.
\h\h\h\h\hOh, yeah. Smooth. Smooth, yeah. Just breathe.
We got it. Yeah, we got it. \h\h\h\hI think we got it.
Look. Look, look. Over there. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou see?
We got it.
We did it.
That’s so good, Alana.
Oh. [giggles sheepishly]
\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Alana] Yeah. No. -[Jon] We didn’t hit it at all.
[Alana] I...
Oh, you smell so good. Whoo!
[sighs] Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary.
\h\h\hGet some gas, I’ll be on my way.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, shit. Look at this line, man.
Fucking sardines packed in a can.
Go, just make a left here.
I’m not fucking waiting \hin this motherfucker.
All right, let that car \h\h\h\h\hjust go past. \h\h\h\h\hThere you go.
Okay, now, stop it.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, they’ll... They’ll move out of the way.
\hYeah, yeah, okay. Okay, stop the car.
God! Fuck. Son of a bitch. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hFucking shit!
What you got, motherfucker?
Fucking Chumash Territory!
\h\h\h\hGoddamn sons of bitches don’t even know where they are.
Yeah, motherfucker, \h\h\hthat’s right.
It’s my nozzle now.
Go. Let’s go. Let’s go.
-Just reverse it. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Now?
-Reverse, reverse, reverse. \h\h\h\h\h\h-[gear cranks]
-It’s your move! \h\h\h\h\h-Okay.
\h\h\h\h\h-Relax. -It’s my nozzle.
[Gary] Want some gas, Jon? \h\h\h\h\h\hI got your gas.
I got your gas right here, Jon.
Jon Peters’ Ferrari...
No.
Come on.
-[ignition turning over] \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Oh, no.
Where are we?
I don’t know.
No, no, no, we ran out of gas. \h\hYou have to push the truck.
The fuck are you staring at? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hPush the truck.
What are you doing?
Get in.
[objects clattering]
[tires screech]
Hold on.
[tires screech]
[brakes squeal]
[Gary panting]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIf we get lucky and make the light at Ventura,
\hI think I can make a right and get us to the 76 station.
\h\h\hIf you make the left, the Mobil station’s closer.
I’m gonna blow this stop sign.
I trust you.
[tires screech]
[Gary triumphantly] Oh!
\h\h\h\h\hOh, my... Alana! Hard! Core!
Hardcore, Alana!
Fellas, you okay back there? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou okay?
Oh, my... We did it! \h\h\h\hWe... You...
Alana, you did it. I... \h\h\h\h\h\hWe did it!
Oh!
How did we survive?
[boys chattering indistinctly \h\h\h\h\h\hin the distance]
[boys laugh]
[Gary grunting]
[Gary] What the...
[object clatters]
[Jon] It’s a goddamn newsstand \h\hin the middle of fucking...
Yeah, you fucking... \hYeah, that’s right.
\h[girl] Did you hear that whole thing that went down
with that other instructor
at the courts the other day? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt was, like...
-[Jon] Hey. -[girl] Hi.
\h\h\h\h[Jon] Do you like peanut butter sandwiches?
[girl 1] Peanut butter?
-[girl 2] Not really. No. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Jon] No?
\h[girl 1] Like, creamy or nutty?
[Jon] However you like it.
\h\h\h\h\h-[girl 1] I like it \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\ha bit nutty. -[boys laughing indistinctly]
\h\h\h[Jon] Who’s got the better backhand?
[girl 1 laughs]
\h\h\h\h\h[Jon] You do. No, you have the serve.
You have a bigger serve.
\h-[Jon] She’s got a good ground game? \h\h-[girl 2] Yeah.
[telephone dial pad whirring]
\h\h\h-[sighs] -[line ringing]
-[Brian on phone] Hello? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Brian?
Yes?
Hi, it’s Alana Kane.
\h\h\h\h\h\h[man on TV] Drive their own cars...
[Brian] Alana.
Wow. Hi. How are you?
[Alana] I’m good. How are you?
I’m doing fine.
What are you doing?
Not much.
I was calling to see if you still work for Joel Wachs?
Yes, I sure do.
Well, do you need volunteers?
We always do.
Do you mean you?
Yes.
Alana...
\h\h\hplease come and work with us. \h\hWe need you.
\h\h\h\hI’ve seen how you do your homework.
[Alana] Oh, my God, you remember that?
\h\hYes, of course. How could I forget?
We need you.
[upbeat song playing]
[Brian] Alana.
Hi.
\h\h\h-How are you? -Good. How are you?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m good. Good, it’s good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
Let me introduce you \h\h\h\hto everybody.
Welcome to our campaign.
\hI’m just gonna give this to you.
Tess, this is Alana...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Hi. -...our newest volunteer.
\h\h\h-Nice to meet you. -Over here is Elizabeth.
\h\hWe have Richard. They’re in a meeting.
\h\hWe have Spencer, Chuck’s on the phone.
\h\hLet me introduce you. Hey, Ted. Ah, he’s busy.
Don’t worry about it.
So, here’s where we’re gonna be spending most of our time.
We’re making phone calls.
Joel, you’re the youngest \hcouncilman in the city,
you’re also its only bachelor.
\h\h\h\h-[Joel] Yes. -How do you find time
for a social life?
\h\h\hBeing single means I have more time to work,
and a councilman’s schedule
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hpretty much ruins the social life anyways, so...
What do your dates \h\hsay about that?
[Joel] They’re not \hsaying anything.
I’m not going on any dates.
As you can imagine,
it’s probably pretty difficult \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor somebody
to be a part of all \hthe social events that I’m a part of.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know, keep up with my busy schedule.
But, um...
\h\hI imagine someday soon somebody’s gonna come along
who’ll wanna share that \h\h\h\hwith me, so...
Certainly you have \h\hsome prospects?
\h\h[Joel] I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard,
\h"Boy, have I got the girl for you."
And I’ve met some pretty magnificent women through \hmy district residents.
But I’ll tell you what I tell them,
\h\hand that’s, "I’m sorry but my time is spoken for."
-Well, good luck. \h\h\h-Thank you.
[photographer] Let’s get one photo for the paper,
if you don’t mind, \hCouncilman Wachs.
-It’s "Wachs." -Wachs. Wachs.
\h\hIf you don’t mind, let’s have you... Yeah.
\h\hLet’s have you stand with your mother over here, yeah?
Have a nice little picture \h\h\h\hof you guys, and...
\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Joel] For sure. -[photographer] Since you’re \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hdoing so much
\h\h\h\h-for his campaign. -[Joel’s mom clears throat]
\h[photographer] \h\hThere you go. Put your hand...
\h\h\h\h\hWhy don’t you put your hand on her shoulder? \h\h\h\h\hAnd then, ma’am,
-if you grab the telephone... \h\h\h\h-[Brian] Councilman?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Joel] Yes? -[man] We’ll handle it, sir.
Wanted to introduce you \hto a friend of mine. \h\hThis is Alana Kane.
-She’s a volunteer. \h\h\h\h\h-Oh, hey.
-Oh, volunteer. Wow. \h-Hi. It’s an honor
\h\h\h\h\h-to meet you. -Wow, what a pleasure.
\hNo, I’m honored to meet you. Thank you for coming on board.
I have integrity.
[chuckles] Me too.
-I know. -Honest.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Okay. -Mmm-hmm. I’m that too.
\h\hThis is public land which the state bought \h\h\h\h\h\hfor $34,000
\h\hwhen everyone knew it was worth millions.
Sam Yorty and his cronies would \hgladly destroy this beautiful
225,000 square acre mountain \hchain for favors, payoffs, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hand ugly houses
that only their friends \h\h\h\h\h\hcan afford.
But it needn’t be that way, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou see.
\h\h\h-[camera whirring] -I understand it’s crazy,
and everybody’s talking \h\habout a revolution,
but it doesn’t have to be that.
All that we need are people \h\h\hin positions of power
to remember to be who they were \h\h\hwhen they were voted in.
And cut. That was great.
\h\h-I think that was the one. -[Joel] That felt really good.
\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah, I mean, that was terrific, Joel. \h\h\h\h\h-It was great.
[Brian] It did.
You ready? We good?
-Yeah. -Good.
[camera whirring]
\h\h\hWhat would you say to the people that think
you’re too young and don’t \h\hhave enough experience?
\h\h\h\hI would say, "Thank you very much for the compliment."
[Kirk] Sorry, sorry, just...
Can you say that again? \h\hWe didn’t get that.
[Alana] Really?
[Kirk] Yeah. Oh, yeah.
[Alana] Sorry, Councilman. \h\h\h\h\h\h[clears throat]
Everybody rolling? Good?
One more time.
So, Councilman,
\h\hwhat would you say to the people that say,
\h"You’re too young \h\hand don’t have enough experience"?
\h\h\h\hI would say, "Thank you very much for the compliment."
The way I look at it...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m sorry. Are you rolling? Did you...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Are you rolling? -[Gary] I think we rolled out.
[whirring stops]
We’re gonna need to take five. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m so sorry.
It’s okay. It’s okay.
[man] So, Joel, don’t forget, \h\h\h\htomorrow we got that
Toluca Lake neighborhood \h\h\h\h\hcouncil thing.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Joel] Yeah. -They’d love you there at 10,
if you can get there.
[Joel] What’s been going on \h\h\h\h\hwith the pinball?
Art’s calling me...
[man] Did you hear about \h\h\h\h\h\hJudge Sachs?
-[Joel] I did, yeah. \h\h-[man] It’s over.
He lost five games to nothing. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo that’s done.
-[Joel] That’s it? \h\h-[man] Pinball will be legal again
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin LA for the first time since...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Joel] Wow -[man] It’s been illegal \h\h\h\h\h\h\hsince 1939.
-Can you believe it? \h-I can believe it.
\hIt’s an outmoded discriminatory law
in the first place \h\h\hso, of course it took this long.
\h\hIf I’m gonna call Art, \h\h\h\hI need to know 100% that this thing is passing.
[man] Oh, it’s passing. \h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s done.
I talked to all my people \h\h\h\h\hwith the court.
It’s over.
-Decision comes out tomorrow. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Good.
[radio playing indistinctly]
\h\h\h\h\h[Gary] Yes, it’s Gary Valentine.
I started a new company, and, um, I’m looking for \hsome pinball machines.
No?
Okay.
\h\hWell, thank you for \h\hpicking up my call. Have a good day, Jimmy.
[receiver slams]
Are you doing what I think \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou’re doing?
What do you think I’m doing?
[Alana] Calling people about pinball machines.
That’s what I’m doing.
Because?
\hBecause we could be the first place open \h\h\hthat has them.
\h\h\h\hBecause we could start "Fat Bernie’s Pinball Palace."
You know, we spent the day \h\h\h\h\hwith a great man
\h\hwho’s really trying to make a change on how this city runs,
\h\hand the only thing you fucking heard was,
\h\h\h"Pinball machines are about to be legal."
I heard other things, too.
[telephone rings]
Yello. Gary Valentine here.
\h\h\h\hDon, thank you for calling me back so swiftly.
[whispers] "Swiftly"?
-Who are you? \h\h\h\h-Yes.
Yes.
Is there a time that’s \h\hconvenient for you, \h\hwithin your plans,
\h\h\hthat I could come lay some eyes on the equipment?
\h\h\h-[scoffs] Give me a fucking break, Gary. \h\h\h\h-Great. Great.
\hI’m 10 minutes away, \h\hI’ll be right over. Thank you so much, Don.
I’m not driving you.
\h\h\h\h\hThat’s great news ’cause I can drive myself.
Hmm.
You’re gonna go on your own? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBig man.
Yes, I am.
You smoke those cigarettes, \h\h\hyou’re gonna throw up \h\h\hlike a little bitch.
These cigarettes?
These ones right here?
"King size Mayburn."
[Alana] You don’t have \h\h\h\h\h\hthe balls.
I’m cooler than you.
Don’t forget it.
\h\h\h\h\hI don’t need you \h\h\h\hto tell me whether I’m cool or not, old lady.
\h-What was that? -I said "milady."
\h\h-I said "milady." -What was that, then?
-What was that? \h\h-"My lady."
I don’t need you to tell me \hwhether I’m cool or not.
\h\h\hYou’re not cool, and your breath smells.
Says you.
And you’re old.
I’m old?
I don’t know what’s cool?
Changing the world isn’t cool?
Go ask Brian if you’re cool.
I will.
Who thinks you’re cool, Gary?
Your waterbed fans?
Sue, Kirk, and Mark?
\h\h\h\hI hang out with more people than that.
\h\h\h\h\hYou don’t even know what’s going on in the world.
\h\h\hYou think that the world revolves around Gary Valentine
and whatever stupid shit \h\h\h\hyou come up with.
\h\h-It does. -It doesn’t.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-It does. -It doesn’t. It’s about more.
-No, it’s not. \h-Yes, it is.
Alana, you would still \h\hbe taking pictures
at my high school of children \h\h\h\hif it wasn’t for me.
\h\h\h\h\hYou’re talking about pinball machines...
I’m a politician.
I need to get my life together.
[Gary] So, get it together.
Where are you going?
I’m going out.
Okay, I’ll take you.
\h\h\hCome on, you wanna \h\h\hgo see these stupid pinball machines or what?
Gary, I’m gonna take you, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hit’s fine.
Gary.
What is your problem?
Don’t you get in that car.
Don’t you fucking get in that car.
Gary fucking Valentine, \hif you get in that...
\h\h\h\h\h\hI will never speak to you ever again.
[engine turns over]
[soul music playing \h\hon car stereo]
Just stop.
\h\h\hGood morning. This is Alana Kane
calling from Councilman \h\hJoel Wachs’ office.
Am I catching you \hat a good time?
I’m calling to ask \h\hif you’ve heard
of the councilman’s efforts \h\h\hto reduce corruption \h\h\h\h\h\hin our local...
Well, fuck you, then.
So, um, what’s going on \h\hwith the analysis?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, yeah, that’s Len Barton’s thing.
They’re small, but...
\h\h\hGood morning. This is Alana Kane
calling from Councilman \h\hJoel Wachs’ office.
Am I catching you \hat a good time?
Yes, I’m calling...
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Alana. -Oh, I’m so sorry,
\h\h\h\h-I have to go. -Oh, sorry about that.
-Um... -Sorry.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIs it okay if I tell you something?
Yeah.
Um, I’ve been known to be
\h\h\ha little forgetful, absent-minded, and, um...
Look at me, I can’t even remember what I’m saying.
\h\hBut, ever since you’ve gotten here,
I’ve been very organized, \hcapable, and inspired.
So, thank you for that.
Thank you, Councilman.
That’s it.
[telephone dial pad whirring]
\h\h\hGood morning. This is Alana Kane
\h\h\hcalling from Joel Wachs’ office.
Am I catching you \hat a good time?
I’m calling to ask \h\hif you’ve heard
of the councilman’s efforts \h\h\hto reduce corruption \h\h\h\h\h\hin our local...
Well, fuck you, then.
[telephone ringing]
Councilman Joel Wachs’ office. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThis is Alana. \h\h\h\h\h\hHow may I help you?
-[Danielle] Hey, it’s me. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Oh, hey.
What are you doing?
Working. What are you doing?
\h\h\hGary just came by and dropped off a flier for his Pinball Palace.
What did he say?
Well, he wanted to see \h\h\h\hif we would go.
And he wanted to make sure \h\h\h\hyou knew about it.
What else did he say?
Well, I think he misses you.
He said that?
No, but he looked really sad.
And sweet.
He asked about Brian.
Hmm.
You should just go to \hhis pinball store.
I can’t, I’m working.
But they have free Pepsi.
And it’s open till midnight.
\h\h\h\h-Pepsi... -There’s a band.
Free Pepsi... Danielle,
\h\hI’m eliminating state property tax \hfor the elderly,
and saving the mountains, \h\h\hand you’re talking \h\h\h\habout free Pepsi.
\h\hBrian, do you see that guy over there?
Number 12 guy?
[Alana] Yeah. I think \hhe’s spying on us.
He keeps looking over here \h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike a creep.
He doesn’t look weird to you?
He does a little.
He’s been there all morning.
Go say something to him.
Just leave him.
If he stays there too long, \h\h\h\hI’ll say something.
\h[volunteer into phone] Yeah, you too. Thursday?
Can I help you?
I don’t know.
You’re staring at our office.
Yeah, my eyes need \hsomeplace to go.
What are you doing here?
I’m waiting for my friend.
Who’s your friend?
No one you’d know.
Move it.
Away from our office. \hGo down the street.
[man] Well...
This is a free country...
so why don’t you just \hgo on back to your \h\h\h\hlittle office
\h\h\hbefore I start asking you questions.
Is there a problem?
Not from me.
Why don’t you get out of here?
Hmm? Oh, yeah, I’m on my way.
-What was he saying? \h\h\h-I don’t know.
[instrumental music playing]
-Fat Bernie’s Pinball Palace. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Tonight.
Come out to the Pinball Palace.
\hCome to Fat Bernie’s Pinball Palace tonight.
Guest band and a free Pepsi. Fat Bernie’s Pinball Palace.
2001. Fireball. Jive Time.
\h\h\h\h\h\hFat Bernie’s Pinball Palace, tonight.
[Gary] Kirk’s gonna pick you up \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hafter school.
Hand as many of these out \h\h\h\h\h\h\has you can.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Okay. -Okay. I love you.
No age limit at Fat Bernie’s \h\h\hPinball Palace tonight.
Fat Bernie’s Pinball Palace. \h\h\h\h\h\hOpens at sundown.
\hPinball Palace. Opens at sundown.
Come to Pinball Palace. \h\h\hOpens at sundown.
\hWe got Fireball, we got Jive Time...
Fat Bernie’s Pinball Palace. \h\h\h\h\h\hOpens at sundown.
Fat Bernie’s Pinball Palace.
Free Pepsi. Opens at sundown.
\h\h[Tim] We got Fireball at Pinball Palace. Fat Bernie’s.
[Kirk] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-[girl] Hey, Kirk. \h\h\h\h\h-Ladies.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHi, Gary. Please step up over here.
You have a dinner tonight, sir?
I hope so. I hope so.
That’s great.
Jacket. Mmm-hmm.
[pinball machines dinging \h\h\h\h\h\hand beeping]
[people chattering \h\h\hindistinctly]
[rock music playing \h\h\hon speakers]
[pinball machine clattering]
Hey, hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.
You’re gonna break the machine.
Hey.
Hey, man, cool out.
Hey, can you hear me? \h\h\h\hBuddy, stop!
Hey, I’m telling you \h\hto fuck off, man.
Okay. Okay, you’re out of here.
\h\h\h\h-[kid grunts] -You’re out of here.
\h\h\h\hCome inside when you’re ready to be cool.
What is this? What is this? \h\h\h\hBikes to the side.
Bikes to the side.
Jack, Matty, bikes to the side.
-[Matty] They are on the side! \h\h\h\h\h\h-Bikes to the side,
you’re blocking the entrance!
Hand me that jacket.
Here. Don’t know whose it is.
Yeah.
I’m really glad you’re here.
I told you that?
I’m glad I’m here, too.
[telephone ringing]
Councilman Wachs’ office. \h\h\h\h\hAlana speaking.
[Joel on phone] Oh, Alana, \hI’m so glad I caught you.
Oh, hi, Councilman.
\hHi. I was wondering, if you’re not too busy,
if you could come meet me \h\h\h\h\h\hfor a drink?
Me?
Yes, you. It’ll be nice, right?
We could have a quick drink, I was thinking, Rive Gauche?
That sounds nice.
Just one small drink.
I don’t wanna keep you \h\htoo long, but, um,
you should come straight away.
It’s important.
Right, straight away.
Thanks so much, Alana. \h\h\h\h\hSee you soon.
I’ll see you soon.
\h\hThe councilman forgot his wallet.
-Again? -Yeah.
He’s never gonna win, is he?
What do you mean?
\h\h\hHe’s a mess. Forgets everything.
\h\h\h\hIf it’s not his wallet, it’s his keys or his briefcase.
I’ve gone to his house \h\h\h\hthree times to \h\hpick up paperwork.
Yeah, but that doesn’t mean \h\h\h\hhe’s not gonna win.
-I’ll go with you. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No.
No.
Just finish locking up.
Okay.
Found it.
Guess I’ll see you later?
[Alana] Sure.
Wanna meet at Tarzana Bobs?
Tarzana Bobs. Sounds good.
-[Alana] Goodbye. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Bye.
[upbeat music playing]
\h\h\h\hStop playing. Stop playing. Leave.
-But I put my money... \h\h\h\h-Leave. Leave.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-But, I... -I own the place. Leave.
-Hello, Este. \h\h\h\h-Hey.
-Hey, Gary. \h\h\h-Hey.
-This is really great. \h\h\h\h\h\h-[chuckles]
Someone did their toes.
\h\h\h\h-I did do my toes. -I like them. I like them.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Thank you.
-Thank you for coming. Really. \h\h\h\h\h\h-It’s a big night.
You ladies look great.
Thank you.
Did you get a chance to talk \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith Alana?
\h\h-[Este] Fuck! -She gonna come?
\hYou know where she works, right?
Yeah.
Are you telling me to go? I...
Yeah.
Go.
[men] Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
[man] No, I spoke to her, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hand I said,
"No, it’s not possible to do \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat."
-You know what I mean? \h\h\h\h-[woman] Yeah?
\h\h\h\h\h-And she was okay? -Yeah, she was fine with it.
-[cutlery clinking] -[people chattering \h\h\hindistinctly]
[Joel] Alana!
Alana.
-[Alana] Hi. \h-[Joel] Hi.
\h\h\hI wanna introduce you to my old friend, Matthew.
Oh, nice to meet you.
\h\h-Nice to meet you. -[Joel] This is Alana.
She works with me on the campaign.
\h\h\h\h\hShe’s been such a terrific help.
-[Matthew] Mmm-hmm. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-I...
\h\h\h\h\hShe helped make those TV spots, actually.
\h\h\h\hYes. I helped with the "Integrity" billboard.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat and, like, 100 other things you’ve done.
\h\h-Don’t be shy. -[Matthew chuckles]
[Alana] Things come easily \hwhen they matter so much.
\h\h\hIt’s funny, we were just talking about that.
-[Alana] Really? \h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.
-[waiter] Madame. \h\h-[Alana] Hi.
[waiter] May I get \h\hyou something?
Uh... A martini.
[waiter] Martini. Vodka or gin?
Vodka-gin.
\h\h[waiter] Would you like an olive or a lime with it?
Yes.
[waiter] Yeah, madame.
Why am I even staying in this?
\h\h\h\h[Joel] Did you \h\h\hhave any trouble, um, finding the place?
-Oh, no. \h\h-No?
-No, I come here all the time. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-[Joel chuckles]
That’s good.
And now, you’re dragging \hthis poor girl into it.
[Joel] Can we please \hjust enjoy dessert?
\h\h\h\h\hAnd settle down? Everything’s gonna be fine.
Alana’s got her drink coming.
Is that your campaign slogan?
"Everything is gonna be fine
as long as no one finds out \h\h\h\h\hwho I really am."
[Joel] I’m dealing with \h\hso many things that \hyou don’t understand.
So tell me.
\h\h\h\h[Joel] Do you have any idea how uncomfortable \h\h\h\hI am all day long?
\hI can’t understand. No, because you don’t tell me these things.
\h\hThe one time, the one time that I wanna feel comfortable,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou go out and make me feel uncomfortable.
\h\h\h\hI haven’t done anything to you, Joel.
[Joel] Okay.
I didn’t call this girl. \h\h\h\h\hYou called her.
[Joel] Okay, but you’re upset \h\h\h\h\hthat I called her.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes, I’m upset because nothing is about me.
Nothing is about us.
\h[Joel] Oh, yeah, I forget who I’m dealing with here.
\h\h\h\h"I’m Matthew Marshall, and, uh, it’s always about me."
No.
No, no, Joel.
\hIt’s never about me, and that’s why I’m sad.
[Joel] Well, look...
\h\h\h\h\hWe’re here, we’re having dinner.
You asked me to come to dinner.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m tired, and I’m here at dinner.
What more do you want from me?
I want you to myself.
\h\h\hWell, that’s just not how the world works, is it?
[Matthew] I don’t know.
Well, then you need to grow up.
There was a man hanging around \h\h\h\h\h\hthe office earlier,
and he’s here now.
That’s why I called.
Um, you see, I don’t think it’s \h\h\hwise for my personal life
\h\h\h\h\hto distract from what our first priority is.
What is our first priority?
\h\h\h[sighs] Well, there’s the community, my campaign,
\h\h\h\h\hand everything that I’m working towards.
Mmm-hmm. Yes, and that’s that, \h\h\h\h\h\hand this is dinner,
so what are we working towards?
\h\hSo, Alana, you came to meet me for a drink.
Um, you were running late,
\h\h\h\hand now, you’re going to be taking your boyfriend,
\h\h-Matthew, home. -[Matthew chuckles]
\h\hIs she gonna be taking her boyfriend to his house,
or to your house?
[Joel] Would you please \hkeep your voice down?
She’s going to be taking you \h\h\h\h\h\h\hto your house.
Are you gonna be coming there?
Can we just discuss this at another time? Please.
[Matthew] Are you gonna come \hto my house tonight, Joel?
[Joel] Can we please \h\hjust discuss this \h\hat another time?
-Do you want me to... \h\h-[Joel] Can’t...
\h\hDo you want me to wait up for you?
[Joel] No, Matthew.
Thank you both for coming. \h\h\h\h\h[chuckles dryly]
[whispers] Let’s go paint the town red.
\h\h\h-[Joel] So nice \h\hof you guys to... -And black and blue.
[Matthew sighs]
[crying] Thank you, Alana. \h\h\h\hYou’re very sweet.
[Matthew breathes shakily]
Do you have a boyfriend?
Yes and no.
I don’t know.
Is he a shit?
-Yeah. Yeah. \h\h\h-Yeah.
They’re all shits, aren’t they?
Aw...
[Matthew sighs]
Thank you, sweetheart.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou have a very powerful feeling.
Thank you, Matthew.
[solemn music playing]
\h\h\h\h\h\h[people laughing and chattering indistinctly]
You’re very cool. What do you play?
Guitar.
\h\h-Hey. -Me, too.
Where’s Gary?
Are you okay?
Where’s Gary?
[Kirk] He left.
Where’d he go?
[Kirk] I don’t know.
Pop. Pop. Pop.
[classical instrumental \h\h\h\hmusic playing]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[Henri] Miss Alana. \h\h\hGood evening.
Is Gary here?
\hNo, Gary didn’t come in tonight.
-You haven’t seen him? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No.
Do you need some help?
No, thank you, Henri.
[panting heavily]
[Gary panting heavily]
-[Gary and Alana grunt] \h\h-[Gary] Oh, my God.
[Alana exclaims and giggles]
[upbeat dance music playing]
Everyone, everyone! \h\hMay I have your attention, please?
Let me introduce to you, \h\hMrs. Alana Valentine.
Idiot.
Hi.
I love you, Gary.
[upbeat soul music playing]