1
00:00:27,345 --> 00:00:29,141
Well, ladies and gentlemen.

2
00:00:29,183 --> 00:00:31,310
You have come to the right place

3
00:00:31,312 --> 00:00:34,694
if you're looking for laughter
to break your face.

4
00:00:34,736 --> 00:00:37,324
Because we got people
on this show tonight

5
00:00:37,365 --> 00:00:41,330
that are gonna be earthquakian
when it comes to laughter

6
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:42,835
and they're with us tonight.

7
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,714
Put it together,
ladies and gentlemen.

8
00:00:47,219 --> 00:00:51,352
Trip's over, hoss.
That's three large.

9
00:00:51,393 --> 00:00:53,231
It'll be good to get out
of this shithole.

10
00:00:53,272 --> 00:00:54,734
Good evening, ladies.

11
00:00:56,362 --> 00:00:59,118
Still funny now, funny man?

12
00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:03,167
I don't know.
Still an asshole, asshole man?

13
00:01:03,209 --> 00:01:04,879
I don't know. Let me check.

14
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,641
There.

15
00:01:10,683 --> 00:01:12,562
Oh, hold on.

16
00:01:12,603 --> 00:01:13,897
Step aside, juanito.

17
00:01:13,939 --> 00:01:15,483
This ain't got shit
to do with you.

18
00:01:15,526 --> 00:01:18,866
Sir, listen,
we don't want any trouble.

19
00:01:18,907 --> 00:01:20,408
We're very sorry.

20
00:01:21,913 --> 00:01:23,625
You got no idea
where you are, homeboy?

21
00:01:26,297 --> 00:01:27,923
The High Desert.

22
00:01:27,925 --> 00:01:29,846
Ain't no law here.

23
00:01:29,888 --> 00:01:31,430
Ain't nobody coming
for you boys.

24
00:01:31,432 --> 00:01:33,687
You don't want to do this.

25
00:01:33,729 --> 00:01:35,481
Step aside, Twilight.

26
00:01:35,524 --> 00:01:39,239
This is between me
and that pendejo.

27
00:01:39,281 --> 00:01:40,491
Put the gun down, Paco.

28
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,828
Shut the fuck up!

29
00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:45,544
Ignore him. Listen to me.

30
00:01:46,713 --> 00:01:48,257
I'm gonna count to three.

31
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:51,556
Three, two...

32
00:01:51,598 --> 00:01:52,934
Please don't do this.

33
00:01:57,025 --> 00:01:58,486
That was a warning.

34
00:02:00,824 --> 00:02:02,494
You missed.

35
00:02:55,433 --> 00:02:56,393
You got this, Pete.

36
00:02:56,435 --> 00:02:57,980
Waddup, girl?

37
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,555
All right. Yo, Pete.
Kill it tonight, man.

38
00:03:05,579 --> 00:03:07,040
You know it, man.

39
00:03:07,082 --> 00:03:08,042
You're getting me
on the list, Pete?

40
00:03:08,084 --> 00:03:10,088
Hey. No.

41
00:03:16,976 --> 00:03:17,978
Hey, Pete.

42
00:03:22,655 --> 00:03:24,700
So, she says,
"Look, I understand

43
00:03:24,742 --> 00:03:26,994
that you're unemployed,
but can I ask?

44
00:03:26,996 --> 00:03:28,667
How much are you
typically spending

45
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,629
on a bottle of wine lately?"

46
00:03:30,671 --> 00:03:33,593
I said, "Honey, no more
than ten, fifteen minutes."

47
00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:37,181
Folks, are you ready
to spend some more time

48
00:03:37,183 --> 00:03:38,645
with the next comedian?

49
00:03:38,687 --> 00:03:40,440
Yeah?

50
00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:43,193
Now, help me welcome
July Alouise. Yeah.

51
00:03:45,199 --> 00:03:46,828
Thank you. Thank you.

52
00:03:46,870 --> 00:03:49,166
Keep it going
for Roy Shackleford!

53
00:03:51,253 --> 00:03:53,550
Yup, it's my birthday.

54
00:03:53,592 --> 00:03:55,094
Thank you. Thank you.

55
00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:57,600
When I was a little girl on
my birthday,

56
00:03:57,641 --> 00:03:59,894
I hated to be spanked.

57
00:03:59,896 --> 00:04:02,192
Boy, have I changed.

58
00:04:04,070 --> 00:04:05,906
Now, I have a birthday
every week.

59
00:04:05,908 --> 00:04:07,995
Yo, yo. Oh, look at him.

60
00:04:08,037 --> 00:04:09,707
My man. Handsome.

61
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,126
- Look at you, son.
- Look at you.

62
00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,920
Hey, I got to ask you
a question, brother.

63
00:04:12,922 --> 00:04:15,886
Why in the world would you use
the C-word at 6:00 a.m.?

64
00:04:15,928 --> 00:04:18,098
Because it's funny all day. Hmm.

65
00:04:18,140 --> 00:04:20,979
For sure,
but that clerk was offended.

66
00:04:21,021 --> 00:04:23,275
Who isn't these days, bro?

67
00:04:23,317 --> 00:04:24,904
At least it went viral.

68
00:04:24,946 --> 00:04:26,783
So, you're this week's
comedian?

69
00:04:26,824 --> 00:04:28,118
Can you tell me a joke?

70
00:04:29,037 --> 00:04:32,043
Can I just have
my room key, Sandy?

71
00:04:32,085 --> 00:04:34,130
Not until you tell me a joke.

72
00:04:35,634 --> 00:04:37,095
- You want a joke?
- Yes.

73
00:04:37,136 --> 00:04:39,057
What's the difference
between a vagina

74
00:04:39,099 --> 00:04:41,563
and a?

75
00:04:41,604 --> 00:04:42,749
You would think she would have

76
00:04:42,773 --> 00:04:44,094
a better sense of humor,
you know?

77
00:04:46,154 --> 00:04:47,154
You know what?

78
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:48,325
Fuck the internet, okay?

79
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:49,954
And by the way, I'm offended

80
00:04:49,996 --> 00:04:51,099
that you're putting on
seven open mikers

81
00:04:51,123 --> 00:04:52,208
in front of me tonight.

82
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,712
Do that on a bringer night.

83
00:04:53,753 --> 00:04:55,256
Bro, they're just
my fucking students.

84
00:04:55,298 --> 00:04:56,843
Yeah, I get it.

85
00:04:56,884 --> 00:04:59,974
They pay you,
you give them stage time.

86
00:05:00,016 --> 00:05:01,268
You Weinstein them.

87
00:05:01,310 --> 00:05:03,020
I get it.
Do it on another night.

88
00:05:03,022 --> 00:05:05,819
No one ever gave
the great Pete Brennan a shot?

89
00:05:05,861 --> 00:05:08,198
Hey, hey,
wasn't your first time onstage

90
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:09,660
headlining at The Improv?

91
00:05:09,702 --> 00:05:11,246
That's right.

92
00:05:11,288 --> 00:05:14,208
And I never sucked one dick
or licked one ball bag.

93
00:05:14,210 --> 00:05:15,712
- Oh, you didn't?
- No.

94
00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:20,014
I asked my girlfriend to say
something nice about me

95
00:05:20,056 --> 00:05:21,726
and she said,
"Well, you know your, uh,

96
00:05:21,768 --> 00:05:23,895
your penis is bigger
than all your friends'."

97
00:05:26,736 --> 00:05:28,657
And you can always tell
the woman in casinos

98
00:05:28,698 --> 00:05:30,052
that are hookers
because they're the ones

99
00:05:30,076 --> 00:05:32,038
that talk to you.

100
00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:35,921
They say good things
come in pairs,

101
00:05:35,962 --> 00:05:38,026
which is a great way to get
kicked out of the fruit market.

102
00:05:42,392 --> 00:05:43,871
Danny, PJ's running
a little bit late.

103
00:05:43,895 --> 00:05:45,231
I was gonna stick Ethan on next.

104
00:05:45,272 --> 00:05:46,439
Coolio.

105
00:05:46,441 --> 00:05:49,364
Ooh, we got one of your pupils?

106
00:05:49,406 --> 00:05:51,326
- Former alumni. Class of '97.
- Makes sense.

107
00:05:51,368 --> 00:05:53,873
That was the last time
you wrote a new joke.

108
00:05:53,915 --> 00:05:55,792
That you're still using, biatch.

109
00:05:55,794 --> 00:05:56,879
It's a good bit.

110
00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,463
Yeah, that's right.

111
00:05:58,465 --> 00:06:00,070
Hey. So, they let you out
after storming the Capitol?

112
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:01,179
You know what?

113
00:06:01,221 --> 00:06:02,891
I had a note, okay?

114
00:06:02,933 --> 00:06:05,062
- I never sat on Pelosi's desk.
- Okay. Yeah.

115
00:06:05,104 --> 00:06:06,946
Hey, uh, when can we see you
in the new episode

116
00:06:06,983 --> 00:06:08,193
of Doomsday Preppers?

117
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:09,506
I did a self-tape,
still waiting.

118
00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:10,741
Bummer.

119
00:06:10,782 --> 00:06:12,368
Hey, do yourself a favor.

120
00:06:12,410 --> 00:06:14,495
Take a look at the kid
that I'm sticking onstage next.

121
00:06:14,497 --> 00:06:16,042
Why would I ever do that?

122
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,378
You've seen people bomb.

123
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,424
This kid next levels it.

124
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:21,011
Epic, right?

125
00:06:21,052 --> 00:06:22,472
Yeah, Hiroshima.

126
00:06:24,058 --> 00:06:26,814
This kid eats more dick
than K-pop's mother, right?

127
00:06:26,856 --> 00:06:28,334
- Yeah.
- And plus, he's got this weird,

128
00:06:28,358 --> 00:06:30,154
like, quirky thing.

129
00:06:30,196 --> 00:06:31,864
It, like, totally draws you in.
Trust me. Am I right?

130
00:06:31,866 --> 00:06:33,995
- True.
- Okay. Let me guess.

131
00:06:34,037 --> 00:06:35,872
He's never had one paid gig

132
00:06:35,874 --> 00:06:37,418
and his social media
all starts with,

133
00:06:37,460 --> 00:06:39,380
"The official blah, blah."

134
00:06:39,422 --> 00:06:41,886
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

135
00:06:41,928 --> 00:06:43,222
This dude is rich.

136
00:06:43,263 --> 00:06:45,226
He does it
for the love of the game.

137
00:06:45,267 --> 00:06:47,396
- How papered up?
- Paper.

138
00:06:47,438 --> 00:06:48,942
- Really?
- Yeah.

139
00:06:48,983 --> 00:06:50,987
Dude, fat money.
It's... dude, it's crazy.

140
00:06:51,029 --> 00:06:53,908
Like, uh, Waterboy said, man,
he got something.

141
00:06:53,910 --> 00:06:55,287
You should go check him out.

142
00:06:55,329 --> 00:06:56,914
Yeah.

143
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,335
So, Fat Mike Pants,

144
00:06:58,377 --> 00:07:00,214
you really should go
gluten-free.

145
00:07:00,256 --> 00:07:02,553
Look, how's this
fucking crowd tonight, bro?

146
00:07:02,594 --> 00:07:04,472
Okay. Put it this way.

147
00:07:04,515 --> 00:07:06,035
The lady who threw the diamond
off the front of the Titanic,

148
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,313
she's in the front row
with her parents.

149
00:07:09,357 --> 00:07:10,484
That's old.

150
00:07:10,527 --> 00:07:12,278
Fuck!

151
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:13,424
Let's go. Let me see
his fucking funeral out here.

152
00:07:13,448 --> 00:07:14,869
Yeah, you got it.

153
00:07:14,910 --> 00:07:16,288
- Oh, hey, Pete.
- Yeah?

154
00:07:16,329 --> 00:07:18,166
- Don't suck.
- Damn it!

155
00:07:21,256 --> 00:07:22,632
You're slowing down, bro.

156
00:07:29,607 --> 00:07:31,316
Oh, you're too kind,
you're too kind.

157
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,320
Are you ready
for some more comedy?

158
00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:34,926
Let me tell you about this
next kid coming to the stage.

159
00:07:34,950 --> 00:07:36,345
He's ridden all the way
from Hungary

160
00:07:36,369 --> 00:07:38,498
and once opened
for Sebastian Bach,

161
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,338
the pianist, not the heavy
metal singer from Skid Row.

162
00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:44,385
Please welcome,
the very funny, Ethan Barr.

163
00:07:44,427 --> 00:07:45,513
Come on, Ethan.

164
00:07:45,555 --> 00:07:47,266
Yeah.

165
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:49,479
You'll be fine.

166
00:07:58,455 --> 00:07:59,708
Hello, everybody.

167
00:08:01,127 --> 00:08:03,508
I am Ethan Barr...

168
00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:06,722
and I am a vampire.

169
00:08:06,764 --> 00:08:11,106
For the record, I'm neither
Team Edward or Team Jacob.

170
00:08:11,147 --> 00:08:13,068
I rooted for the sun.

171
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,410
On account of the daylight...

172
00:08:17,451 --> 00:08:19,581
which is
an urban legend anyways.

173
00:08:19,623 --> 00:08:21,126
Yeah, like your act.

174
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,255
Wow.

175
00:08:24,257 --> 00:08:26,094
I haven't seen a crowd
this tight

176
00:08:26,136 --> 00:08:29,727
since the Venetians
at The Siege of Corfu 1716.

177
00:08:30,770 --> 00:08:32,106
Like, you were there?

178
00:08:33,150 --> 00:08:34,695
I was.

179
00:08:34,737 --> 00:08:38,160
I believe we captured
over 8,000 men that day.

180
00:08:38,201 --> 00:08:39,328
Ha!

181
00:08:40,623 --> 00:08:42,168
That was funny.

182
00:08:42,209 --> 00:08:43,796
You'll have
to excuse me...

183
00:08:43,838 --> 00:08:45,130
- I told you he had something.
- ...I'm a bit tired.

184
00:08:45,132 --> 00:08:47,261
That was definitely something!

185
00:08:48,346 --> 00:08:49,491
Hey, I told you

186
00:08:49,516 --> 00:08:50,641
The

187
00:08:50,643 --> 00:08:52,229
This is like a derailment, bro.

188
00:08:52,271 --> 00:08:54,148
And, boy, are my arms tired.

189
00:08:54,150 --> 00:08:55,612
How much time has he got left?

190
00:08:55,653 --> 00:08:57,239
He's got like a minute.

191
00:08:57,281 --> 00:08:58,241
And he pulls out
a used tampon.

192
00:08:58,283 --> 00:08:59,492
No, in his career.

193
00:08:59,494 --> 00:09:02,498
He's got like a minute.

194
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,630
Told you it was hilarious.

195
00:09:04,671 --> 00:09:06,673
All right. Let me go abort this.

196
00:09:06,675 --> 00:09:08,513
That is club's night in Texas.

197
00:09:08,554 --> 00:09:11,685
I'll light you at five.

198
00:09:11,727 --> 00:09:13,480
All right.

199
00:09:13,523 --> 00:09:15,357
All right. Kill it, Champ.

200
00:09:15,359 --> 00:09:17,614
- Where are you going?
- I think I just sharted.

201
00:09:17,656 --> 00:09:20,285
Folks, keep it going
for Ethan Barr.

202
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,331
He's new. He's tired.

203
00:09:22,373 --> 00:09:24,878
right over here.

204
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,884
Wow, you're Pete Brennan.

205
00:09:29,721 --> 00:09:31,099
It's a pleasure.

206
00:09:32,226 --> 00:09:34,355
Hey, buddy. How are you?

207
00:09:35,482 --> 00:09:37,401
I saw you in the back.

208
00:09:37,403 --> 00:09:38,488
Okay.

209
00:09:38,531 --> 00:09:39,732
I didn't realize it was you...

210
00:09:40,702 --> 00:09:42,411
until I did.

211
00:09:42,413 --> 00:09:44,375
Oh, yeah.
I was the guy who laughed.

212
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,254
And again, thank you for that.

213
00:09:46,296 --> 00:09:48,676
They say, "If you can reach
just one person," right?

214
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:51,181
They do say that. Yeah.

215
00:09:51,222 --> 00:09:52,266
Is that what they say?

216
00:09:52,308 --> 00:09:53,811
I think so.

217
00:09:54,938 --> 00:09:56,942
Bro, could you get closer or...

218
00:09:56,984 --> 00:09:58,571
- I could.
- I'd rather you not.

219
00:09:58,613 --> 00:10:00,700
- Okay.
- Jesus Christ, dude.

220
00:10:03,288 --> 00:10:05,250
The real reason I came over here

221
00:10:05,292 --> 00:10:06,712
was to see if...

222
00:10:06,754 --> 00:10:08,465
- Yeah?
- ...you ever needed

223
00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:11,471
an opener or even had
any tips for me.

224
00:10:11,513 --> 00:10:13,851
I'd be...

225
00:10:13,893 --> 00:10:14,937
very thankful.

226
00:10:16,314 --> 00:10:17,481
You're looking for a tip?

227
00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:19,738
That would be incredible.

228
00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:21,449
Here's a tip.

229
00:10:21,491 --> 00:10:24,998
Uh, try not to talk
to the headliner's ear off

230
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,877
before he's about
to take the stage.

231
00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:28,463
Hear me?

232
00:10:28,506 --> 00:10:30,006
Yeah.

233
00:10:30,008 --> 00:10:31,679
Okay?

234
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,473
Fucking Chatty Cathy.

235
00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:36,814
It's Ethan.

236
00:10:36,855 --> 00:10:38,567
The Insurrectionist of Comedy,

237
00:10:38,609 --> 00:10:41,782
Mr. Pete Brennan.

238
00:10:45,330 --> 00:10:46,709
Don't bro.

239
00:10:50,048 --> 00:10:54,889
Don't talk to comic.

240
00:10:54,891 --> 00:10:56,645
Oh, my God.

241
00:10:56,687 --> 00:10:57,981
Good stuff.

242
00:10:58,023 --> 00:11:00,027
It's like shooting fish
in a barrel.

243
00:11:01,572 --> 00:11:03,909
Uh, sorry. You'll get them
next time, buddy.

244
00:11:03,951 --> 00:11:05,580
Give it up for, uh, your host,

245
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:07,416
Roy Shackleford, everybody.

246
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:08,878
That's right.

247
00:11:10,631 --> 00:11:11,985
Give it up
for Count Dracula, everybody.

248
00:11:12,009 --> 00:11:13,763
He was, uh...

249
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,604
He was so scary.

250
00:11:17,645 --> 00:11:19,357
He scared
the laughs away, right?

251
00:11:21,027 --> 00:11:23,699
When he's here,
it's a two-pint minimum.

252
00:11:23,741 --> 00:11:25,828
Yeah.

253
00:11:25,870 --> 00:11:28,083
Good thing he sleeps in a coffin

254
00:11:28,124 --> 00:11:30,045
because he died up here.

255
00:11:30,087 --> 00:11:34,468
I mean, he was...
Whew, he was so bad,

256
00:11:34,470 --> 00:11:37,101
he made me wanna drive a stake
through my own heart, right?

257
00:11:37,142 --> 00:11:39,478
Even just, you know, just a bit.

258
00:11:43,739 --> 00:11:46,492
Oh, man. Hey, at least
he remembered you.

259
00:11:46,494 --> 00:11:47,995
...this Dracula guy?

260
00:11:47,997 --> 00:11:50,166
Oh, come on. Let's get you
a drink, all right?

261
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:51,837
How about a Bloody Mary?

262
00:11:51,839 --> 00:11:54,093
Maybe for you, hold the Mary.

263
00:11:57,767 --> 00:11:58,851
Hey, Roy.

264
00:11:58,853 --> 00:12:00,480
I'm sorry I missed my set.

265
00:12:00,523 --> 00:12:02,610
Whatever, man. Ethan covered it.

266
00:12:02,652 --> 00:12:04,027
Of all the people, him?

267
00:12:04,029 --> 00:12:06,577
Well, yeah.
You weren't here on time.

268
00:12:06,618 --> 00:12:08,914
He was the worst student
in our class.

269
00:12:08,956 --> 00:12:11,795
His stupid Twilight joke
isn't even accurate, all right?

270
00:12:11,837 --> 00:12:14,759
Everybody knows
Edward sparkles in the sun

271
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:18,057
and frickin' Jacob
is a frickin' werewolf, dude.

272
00:12:18,099 --> 00:12:19,726
Come on, man!

273
00:12:19,728 --> 00:12:20,998
This guy needs
his own identity, you know?

274
00:12:21,022 --> 00:12:23,611
He's just a Baby Bat poser!

275
00:12:23,652 --> 00:12:26,115
- Beverage?
- Oh, God. Perfect timing.

276
00:12:26,157 --> 00:12:27,240
- Yeah.
- You buying?

277
00:12:27,242 --> 00:12:28,579
I'm out of drink tickets.

278
00:12:28,621 --> 00:12:31,585
- What the...
- Baby Bat.

279
00:12:32,587 --> 00:12:33,881
Hmm.

280
00:12:33,923 --> 00:12:35,968
How original.

281
00:12:36,010 --> 00:12:39,559
PJ, you, my friend,
are a cosplayer...

282
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:41,647
a bad movie reboot.

283
00:12:42,607 --> 00:12:44,736
You crave eternity,
yet mistakenly believe

284
00:12:44,778 --> 00:12:49,955
it can be achieved through
nihilistic posts online.

285
00:12:49,996 --> 00:12:51,542
And to top it off,

286
00:12:51,583 --> 00:12:54,881
for the rest of your short...

287
00:12:55,925 --> 00:12:57,302
mortal life...

288
00:12:58,931 --> 00:13:01,603
you have to walk around
looking like Cher

289
00:13:01,645 --> 00:13:03,649
face-fucked Marilyn Manson.

290
00:13:10,161 --> 00:13:12,040
I'm not that ugly, am I?

291
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:14,921
Ugly as a motherfucker,
but use it.

292
00:13:16,758 --> 00:13:17,885
Is he serious?

293
00:13:19,096 --> 00:13:21,076
Thanks for telling the audience
you knocked me up tonight.

294
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:25,023
Really racked in the cash,
almost cracked minimum wage.

295
00:13:25,025 --> 00:13:27,027
I do what I can
to get you more tips.

296
00:13:27,029 --> 00:13:28,741
Come on. Plus, it's funny.

297
00:13:28,782 --> 00:13:30,366
No. It's hack.

298
00:13:30,368 --> 00:13:32,665
Customers were like,
"When are you due?

299
00:13:32,707 --> 00:13:34,376
Have you picked
out a gender yet?"

300
00:13:36,923 --> 00:13:38,636
Okay.

301
00:13:38,677 --> 00:13:40,364
First of all, gender doesn't
exist as a concept,

302
00:13:40,388 --> 00:13:43,812
so you're cancelled,
and "hack"? Really?

303
00:13:43,854 --> 00:13:44,814
- Come on.
- Is that all

304
00:13:44,856 --> 00:13:46,065
that matters to you?

305
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,233
Well, it's important. I mean...

306
00:13:47,235 --> 00:13:49,114
Hey, Ethan. Great set tonight.

307
00:13:49,156 --> 00:13:52,243
Uh, I do, however, have some,
uh, tips on that Grindr bit,

308
00:13:52,245 --> 00:13:55,001
so we'll talk about it
on Sunday, won't we?

309
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:58,257
Thank you, Steph.
I appreciate that.

310
00:13:58,299 --> 00:13:59,926
Hello, Pete.

311
00:13:59,928 --> 00:14:01,261
I just wanted to say great set...

312
00:14:01,263 --> 00:14:03,309
What's going on on Sunday?

313
00:14:03,351 --> 00:14:06,357
Well, that's actually what
I wanted to speak to you about.

314
00:14:06,399 --> 00:14:11,743
Sunday evening, I am having
a small to-do at my place

315
00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:14,081
and I would love it
if you could make it.

316
00:14:14,123 --> 00:14:18,381
And you are gonna have Stephanie
at this to-do?

317
00:14:18,423 --> 00:14:19,926
Yeah, she will be there

318
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:22,180
as well as Roy, Danny,
a few others.

319
00:14:22,222 --> 00:14:23,892
Nothing crazy.

320
00:14:23,934 --> 00:14:25,736
I wanted to formally invite you
and Steph said

321
00:14:25,771 --> 00:14:27,815
I should do it myself.

322
00:14:27,817 --> 00:14:29,484
I understand if you're busy,

323
00:14:29,486 --> 00:14:31,425
there's no pressure,
but I'd love to have you there.

324
00:14:31,449 --> 00:14:33,996
Okay. Let me tell you something,
okay, bro?

325
00:14:34,037 --> 00:14:36,292
First of all, I don't even
believe that accent.

326
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,421
You're probably
from Cleveland, okay?

327
00:14:38,463 --> 00:14:41,341
Second of all,
comics are only busy

328
00:14:41,343 --> 00:14:44,057
when they're getting busy,
you know what I'm saying?

329
00:14:44,099 --> 00:14:45,101
Okay.

330
00:14:45,143 --> 00:14:47,314
So, maybe you can come by

331
00:14:47,355 --> 00:14:49,067
and give me some tips
or something.

332
00:14:49,109 --> 00:14:50,821
Oh, my God, dude.

333
00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:52,825
What am I, Reddit?
You're always asking for tips.

334
00:14:52,867 --> 00:14:54,453
I've known you
for eight minutes.

335
00:14:54,495 --> 00:14:56,081
Okay. Here's a tip.

336
00:14:56,123 --> 00:14:58,504
Never try to hit
on the comedy club waitress...

337
00:14:58,545 --> 00:15:00,131
Ooh, but Steph...

338
00:15:00,173 --> 00:15:02,344
...when the comedy club waitress
happens to be

339
00:15:02,385 --> 00:15:06,520
the headliner's girlfriend
at his home club.

340
00:15:06,561 --> 00:15:08,481
Ah.

341
00:15:08,524 --> 00:15:09,818
Yeah. Okay.

342
00:15:09,859 --> 00:15:11,237
So, I'll see you Sunday.

343
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:14,536
Oh, I can't wait.
We can talk about skin rubs.

344
00:15:15,579 --> 00:15:18,084
When were you gonna tell me
about this Sunday?

345
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:20,088
Oh, I wanted him to tell you.

346
00:15:20,129 --> 00:15:22,593
Thank you, Steph.

347
00:15:22,635 --> 00:15:24,388
Nope, not doing that.

348
00:15:24,429 --> 00:15:26,935
- Doing what?
- This whole jealousy thing.

349
00:15:26,977 --> 00:15:28,038
- I'm not jealous.
- Yes, you are.

350
00:15:28,062 --> 00:15:29,147
- I'm not.
- Uh-hmm.

351
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:30,607
No need two decades, Pete.

352
00:15:30,609 --> 00:15:32,362
It wasn't cute then
and it ain't cute now.

353
00:15:32,404 --> 00:15:35,995
Besides, I thought we could
actually go out for once.

354
00:15:38,082 --> 00:15:39,334
I'm out every night.

355
00:15:39,376 --> 00:15:41,213
Yeah, to comedy clubs.

356
00:15:41,255 --> 00:15:42,965
- Yeah.
- But, honey,

357
00:15:42,967 --> 00:15:46,265
when was the last time
that we actually went out?

358
00:15:46,307 --> 00:15:48,060
You know I have other
wardrobe besides

359
00:15:48,102 --> 00:15:50,981
jaded cocktail waitress dress
for a funeral, right?

360
00:15:50,983 --> 00:15:52,651
. First of all,
I think you look fantastic.

361
00:15:52,653 --> 00:15:55,241
And second of all,
you can't say the word cocktail

362
00:15:55,283 --> 00:15:56,659
- without saying the word...
- Cock.

363
00:15:56,661 --> 00:15:58,205
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Got it.

364
00:15:58,247 --> 00:16:00,126
Two k-sounds
in a single syllable word.

365
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,588
How prolific.

366
00:16:01,630 --> 00:16:03,424
Can you just turn it off
for two seconds

367
00:16:03,466 --> 00:16:05,011
and be real with me?

368
00:16:05,971 --> 00:16:07,892
Okay. But look...

369
00:16:09,061 --> 00:16:10,247
- I'm going to Ethan's.
- Uh-hmm.

370
00:16:10,271 --> 00:16:11,689
I'd want for you to join.

371
00:16:11,691 --> 00:16:14,572
But if you don't, guess what?
I'm still going.

372
00:16:18,538 --> 00:16:20,668
Fine.

373
00:16:20,709 --> 00:16:22,313
I'll go for, like, an hour,
all right, tops?

374
00:16:22,337 --> 00:16:23,590
That's it. But I don't...

375
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,303
Maybe you'll actually
have fun for once.

376
00:16:26,345 --> 00:16:29,560
Oh, and, uh,
maybe get some new material?

377
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,361
I concur.

378
00:16:34,403 --> 00:16:35,614
Lick my ass, guys.

379
00:16:35,656 --> 00:16:37,158
Wax that thing.

380
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,454
Tongue punch my fart box.

381
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,545
Lick all around my ass

382
00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:45,341
because even my taint is better

383
00:16:45,383 --> 00:16:47,680
than the five minutes
I saw you guys do tonight.

384
00:16:52,606 --> 00:16:54,443
What's up, Chuck?

385
00:16:54,484 --> 00:16:59,411
Ah! The timeless, old puke joke
that never gets funny.

386
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:00,807
What are you even doing up
it's 12:00 noon?

387
00:17:00,831 --> 00:17:02,791
I'm... I'm actually writing
new jokes,

388
00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:04,129
not that you care.

389
00:17:04,171 --> 00:17:05,797
Actually, I don't.

390
00:17:05,799 --> 00:17:07,634
Now, listen up,
my little meal ticket.

391
00:17:07,636 --> 00:17:09,264
I have a commitment for you
to open up

392
00:17:09,306 --> 00:17:11,226
the brand new
Russell Peters special

393
00:17:11,268 --> 00:17:12,811
taping at the Sahara.

394
00:17:12,813 --> 00:17:16,652
You know, international
superstar Russell Peters.

395
00:17:16,654 --> 00:17:18,282
All right.

396
00:17:18,324 --> 00:17:20,660
I also added a few shitty gigs
to your run,

397
00:17:20,662 --> 00:17:22,415
so check your schedule.

398
00:17:22,457 --> 00:17:24,545
What, another bowling alley
or another taco stand?

399
00:17:25,798 --> 00:17:28,385
Listen, Pete, as your friend...

400
00:17:28,427 --> 00:17:30,575
you know, you wouldn't have to
take all these shitty gigs

401
00:17:30,599 --> 00:17:33,187
if we just stop paying
for all those medical bills?

402
00:17:33,229 --> 00:17:35,316
Come on, Chuck.
No, don't go there, all right?

403
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:36,692
Look.

404
00:17:36,694 --> 00:17:38,489
I'm just saying,
there are some other ways,

405
00:17:38,532 --> 00:17:41,869
some of them even legal
for you to dig out of your hole.

406
00:17:41,871 --> 00:17:44,374
There's nothing more American
than filing bankruptcy.

407
00:17:44,376 --> 00:17:47,213
Dude, I looked into it, okay?
It's 2,500 bucks.

408
00:17:47,215 --> 00:17:49,718
I don't even have enough money
to claim I don't have any money.

409
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,808
That's hilarious.

410
00:17:51,850 --> 00:17:54,227
Please tell me
you used that in the rotation.

411
00:17:54,229 --> 00:17:55,396
It's not a joke.

412
00:17:55,398 --> 00:17:57,360
Unfortunately, it's my life.

413
00:17:57,402 --> 00:18:00,241
Well, your misery is hilarious.

414
00:18:01,243 --> 00:18:03,289
Okay, look.

415
00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:05,168
I'm only gonna do this
Russell gig

416
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,689
because I wanna be seen
by the network execs.

417
00:18:06,713 --> 00:18:08,215
That's it.

418
00:18:08,257 --> 00:18:10,512
I need you to schmooze
the suits, Chuck.

419
00:18:10,554 --> 00:18:12,892
Do your job, Chuck. No offense.

420
00:18:12,933 --> 00:18:15,269
Huh. Tons taken.

421
00:18:15,271 --> 00:18:16,774
By the way, duly noted.

422
00:18:16,816 --> 00:18:19,237
Listen, do me a favor.

423
00:18:19,279 --> 00:18:20,489
Pick an opener

424
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:22,202
or one's gonna be appointed
for you.

425
00:18:22,243 --> 00:18:23,495
Hold on. No, Chuck.

426
00:18:23,538 --> 00:18:25,208
I'm not getting stuck
in the road

427
00:18:25,249 --> 00:18:27,794
with one of your social
media influencers.

428
00:18:27,796 --> 00:18:30,259
I don't need somebody
who can't actually tell a joke.

429
00:18:30,301 --> 00:18:32,263
What do you do with them,
you pay for play?

430
00:18:33,474 --> 00:18:35,269
All right.

431
00:18:35,311 --> 00:18:36,372
Now, you can stop pretending
like you're writing jokes,

432
00:18:36,396 --> 00:18:37,499
and go back to watching porn.

433
00:18:37,524 --> 00:18:38,860
Fire a little toddler juice

434
00:18:38,902 --> 00:18:41,824
into a tissue of love,
you weirdo.

435
00:18:41,866 --> 00:18:44,454
I'm not... I'm not on porn.

436
00:18:49,005 --> 00:18:51,676
Wasn't there a helicopter
in Scarface?

437
00:18:51,678 --> 00:18:53,556
Remember the guy hanging?

438
00:18:53,598 --> 00:18:56,688
This is kind of, like,
a James Bond villain.

439
00:18:56,729 --> 00:18:58,357
Holy.

440
00:18:59,610 --> 00:19:02,365
My God, this is...

441
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:04,452
Okay. I think
you should slow down.

442
00:19:04,494 --> 00:19:06,039
Why?

443
00:19:06,081 --> 00:19:08,041
You invite me out, the least
I can do is get toasty.

444
00:19:08,043 --> 00:19:09,878
You're toasty enough, trust me.

445
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,882
Get that... you promised.

446
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,053
Oh, God.

447
00:19:13,095 --> 00:19:14,055
I'm gonna knock the door
'cause apparently,

448
00:19:14,097 --> 00:19:15,391
chivalry is dead.

449
00:19:16,728 --> 00:19:19,024
I don't wanna
chip my nails.

450
00:19:19,065 --> 00:19:20,567
Like the fun cop is here.

451
00:19:20,569 --> 00:19:22,030
What the...

452
00:19:23,115 --> 00:19:24,618
How can I help you guys?

453
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:27,748
Whoa! It's like Thanos
in a sport coat.

454
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,587
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

455
00:19:29,628 --> 00:19:31,340
- Yeah.
- I'm scared.

456
00:19:31,381 --> 00:19:34,054
Uh, can Ethan come out to play?

457
00:19:34,095 --> 00:19:35,431
It's okay.

458
00:19:35,473 --> 00:19:36,684
- It's cool?
- Uh-hmm.

459
00:19:36,726 --> 00:19:37,978
Okay.

460
00:19:38,020 --> 00:19:40,105
- Hey.
- Thank you, Heegan.

461
00:19:40,107 --> 00:19:41,609
Welcome to my home.

462
00:19:41,611 --> 00:19:42,905
Incredible.

463
00:19:42,946 --> 00:19:44,784
Enthralled you both
could make it.

464
00:19:45,786 --> 00:19:47,080
This is for you.

465
00:19:47,121 --> 00:19:48,792
Steph, thank you.

466
00:19:49,752 --> 00:19:51,964
Pinot. Hmm.

467
00:19:52,006 --> 00:19:54,887
Pete picked it out
just like our outfits,

468
00:19:54,929 --> 00:19:57,016
so if it sucks...

469
00:19:57,058 --> 00:19:58,954
I thought it'd compliment
the whole Renfield thing,

470
00:19:58,978 --> 00:20:00,647
you know, and really go
with your motif.

471
00:20:00,649 --> 00:20:03,571
That is so thoughtful, Pete.

472
00:20:03,613 --> 00:20:05,659
Though, Renfield
was an assistant.

473
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:08,665
I was clearly a Baron.

474
00:20:08,706 --> 00:20:11,836
But I appreciate the sentiment.

475
00:20:11,838 --> 00:20:14,050
Please, do come in.

476
00:20:14,092 --> 00:20:15,971
Do come in.

477
00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:21,189
This dude
really is committed to this.

478
00:20:24,195 --> 00:20:27,034
Pete, would you mind
closing the door, please?

479
00:20:59,975 --> 00:21:01,604
- Jackpot!
- It's cool?

480
00:21:01,646 --> 00:21:03,566
- I'd love to.
- Yeah, yeah. It's my pleasure.

481
00:21:03,608 --> 00:21:05,610
He might be single
for the right girl.

482
00:21:05,612 --> 00:21:08,952
And this is my game room.

483
00:21:08,993 --> 00:21:11,206
Should have worn
my cleavage.

484
00:21:11,248 --> 00:21:12,791
Oh, shit,
I haven't seen that dude

485
00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:14,797
since Counting Crows broke up.

486
00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:16,150
Hey, Pete Brennan!
How are you, man?

487
00:21:16,174 --> 00:21:17,803
Yeah. I'm doing good.

488
00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:20,725
Well, I'm, uh,
free next two months if...

489
00:21:20,767 --> 00:21:22,103
You know, come to a guest set,

490
00:21:22,144 --> 00:21:23,690
they love to see you,
just pop in.

491
00:21:23,731 --> 00:21:24,815
Eight minutes?

492
00:21:24,817 --> 00:21:26,317
Uh, well, give it ten minutes.

493
00:21:26,319 --> 00:21:28,741
- Okay
- All right.

494
00:21:28,783 --> 00:21:30,827
- Take care, Pete.
- Harry, you look great.

495
00:21:30,829 --> 00:21:31,996
You too, buddy.
Love you, man.

496
00:21:31,998 --> 00:21:34,043
Man, back at you, dude.

497
00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:36,172
That went well.

498
00:21:37,718 --> 00:21:41,141
Hey,
what's up, monkey-tits?

499
00:21:41,182 --> 00:21:42,894
What's up, Chuck?

500
00:21:42,936 --> 00:21:45,609
Swing and a miss!

501
00:21:46,819 --> 00:21:47,904
What are you doing here?

502
00:21:47,946 --> 00:21:49,908
Checking out the new talent.

503
00:21:49,950 --> 00:21:51,704
When you're saying new talent,

504
00:21:51,746 --> 00:21:54,250
I hope you mean females

505
00:21:54,292 --> 00:21:55,962
and not the emo kid
who lives here.

506
00:21:56,004 --> 00:21:58,801
Hey, I know you may find
this tough to believe,

507
00:21:58,843 --> 00:22:02,058
but you are not the only
open miker on my roster.

508
00:22:02,099 --> 00:22:03,893
- Hey!
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

509
00:22:03,895 --> 00:22:06,232
Easy, cockbreath, all right?
I'm working for you.

510
00:22:06,274 --> 00:22:07,903
Didn't you get my message?

511
00:22:07,944 --> 00:22:10,074
I got you the cover
of Middle Act Magazine.

512
00:22:10,115 --> 00:22:11,952
- Oh!
- Ho, ho. Hey!

513
00:22:11,994 --> 00:22:13,246
Now, shut your chicken skimmer

514
00:22:13,288 --> 00:22:14,413
and let's do another shot.

515
00:22:14,415 --> 00:22:16,127
Ain't got to tell me twice.

516
00:22:16,169 --> 00:22:17,798
Who wants another shot?

517
00:22:17,839 --> 00:22:19,423
- Yeah. Always.
- Oh, yeah. No.

518
00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:22,096
I would absolutely love to,
except it looks like

519
00:22:22,098 --> 00:22:25,104
I'm designated driver
tonight again.

520
00:22:25,145 --> 00:22:27,441
Why are you even with this man?

521
00:22:27,483 --> 00:22:28,943
Two words.

522
00:22:28,945 --> 00:22:30,907
Baby arm.

523
00:22:30,949 --> 00:22:32,282
Any questions?

524
00:22:32,284 --> 00:22:33,830
Come on, Steph.
We all know that baby

525
00:22:33,871 --> 00:22:35,249
is gonna be asleep by 9:00.

526
00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:39,925
Good point.
Chuck, line 'em up.

527
00:22:39,967 --> 00:22:42,179
Now, that's a fuckin'
team player, boys!

528
00:22:42,221 --> 00:22:43,806
All right. Round them up.

529
00:22:43,808 --> 00:22:45,203
- Here you go, kids.
- Let's go!

530
00:22:45,227 --> 00:22:47,312
All right, guys.
What are gonna we toast to?

531
00:22:47,314 --> 00:22:48,901
Oh, apparently, we're toasting

532
00:22:48,943 --> 00:22:52,074
to Pete's cream-filled
flesh twinkie.

533
00:22:55,164 --> 00:22:58,336
I think that Ethan
should do the toast.

534
00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,172
I don't know.

535
00:23:00,174 --> 00:23:01,384
Come on.

536
00:23:01,426 --> 00:23:04,140
Ethan. Ethan.

537
00:23:04,182 --> 00:23:08,356
Ethan! Ethan!
Ethan! Ethan!

538
00:23:08,398 --> 00:23:09,400
Okay. Okay.

539
00:23:09,442 --> 00:23:11,362
Come on, burgundy boy.

540
00:23:15,204 --> 00:23:19,086
To a long life and a happy one.

541
00:23:19,128 --> 00:23:22,550
To a quick death
that escapes none.

542
00:23:22,552 --> 00:23:27,560
Drink to good spirits,
worthy amongst friends.

543
00:23:27,562 --> 00:23:29,564
Drink that you may live,

544
00:23:29,566 --> 00:23:31,570
and may you live till the end.

545
00:23:31,612 --> 00:23:34,908
And for those who cannot,

546
00:23:34,910 --> 00:23:36,412
it has often been said...

547
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:39,460
may we meet in heaven

548
00:23:39,503 --> 00:23:41,966
before the devil knows
we're dead.

549
00:23:44,136 --> 00:23:46,430
I... I don't get it.

550
00:23:46,432 --> 00:23:48,580
That's 'cause you take your IQ
with a fuckin' tire gauge.

551
00:23:48,604 --> 00:23:50,940
Oh. Somebody said it.
Holy shit!

552
00:23:50,942 --> 00:23:53,154
- Cheers, guys!
- Cheers!

553
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,296
Whoa.

554
00:24:03,174 --> 00:24:05,137
She's mesmerizing!

555
00:24:05,178 --> 00:24:07,306
She was mesmerizing.

556
00:24:07,308 --> 00:24:09,143
Where did you come from, dude?

557
00:24:09,145 --> 00:24:12,192
Damn. Yeah.

558
00:24:14,030 --> 00:24:15,365
You bang her?

559
00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:18,413
She was my mother.

560
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:22,505
You bang her?

561
00:24:25,010 --> 00:24:27,012
Bangable.

562
00:24:27,014 --> 00:24:29,937
What filter did they use
to make her look old-timey?

563
00:24:29,978 --> 00:24:31,187
That's pretty cool.

564
00:24:31,189 --> 00:24:33,945
It's an original
Poussin, actually.

565
00:24:33,986 --> 00:24:36,992
Painted in 1621.

566
00:24:37,034 --> 00:24:40,082
The summer before she died.

567
00:24:40,123 --> 00:24:42,376
- Poussin?
- Poussin.

568
00:24:44,048 --> 00:24:46,469
I bet she got a lot of Poussin.

569
00:24:47,722 --> 00:24:50,268
No. This is my only one.

570
00:24:50,310 --> 00:24:52,607
No, bruh.

571
00:24:52,649 --> 00:24:56,072
This is a Poussin palace.

572
00:24:56,114 --> 00:24:59,370
No, it's my palace.
He simply painted one picture.

573
00:24:59,412 --> 00:25:01,249
He was a family friend.

574
00:25:03,253 --> 00:25:07,261
1621, a lot of people
died in 1621.

575
00:25:07,302 --> 00:25:08,597
Beheading.

576
00:25:11,144 --> 00:25:14,025
Seriously?

577
00:25:14,066 --> 00:25:15,695
It happens.

578
00:25:20,747 --> 00:25:25,130
Aha. Aha.

579
00:25:25,172 --> 00:25:28,679
"Let them eat cake!"

580
00:25:28,721 --> 00:25:30,140
Something like that.

581
00:25:30,182 --> 00:25:33,606
Yeah. "Off with their heads!

582
00:25:33,647 --> 00:25:39,325
Give me liberty or give me cake.

583
00:25:39,366 --> 00:25:43,083
Cake for them to eat

584
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:46,337
without their heads,

585
00:25:46,339 --> 00:25:50,430
so they have no mouth
to eat it!"

586
00:25:51,517 --> 00:25:53,521
Even funnier the second time.

587
00:26:02,496 --> 00:26:05,377
No fucking way!

588
00:26:05,418 --> 00:26:06,588
Uh-hmm.

589
00:26:06,630 --> 00:26:08,759
You sleep in this thing?

590
00:26:08,801 --> 00:26:11,347
Well, before
blackout curtains, sure.

591
00:26:11,389 --> 00:26:14,646
It's mostly just for show now.

592
00:26:14,688 --> 00:26:18,569
A few extracurricular
activities.

593
00:26:18,571 --> 00:26:20,282
Thank you.

594
00:26:20,323 --> 00:26:21,785
Thank you so much.

595
00:26:21,827 --> 00:26:25,333
Of course. Hmm.

596
00:26:26,377 --> 00:26:29,256
You were amazing.

597
00:26:29,258 --> 00:26:32,557
- You were incredible.
- No. My pleasure.

598
00:26:34,686 --> 00:26:38,276
I'm gonna take it
those aren't your aunts?

599
00:26:38,318 --> 00:26:39,696
- Oh.
- What?

600
00:26:39,738 --> 00:26:42,326
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, man, I'm good.

601
00:26:42,367 --> 00:26:43,680
- Okay.
- Unless you put something

602
00:26:43,704 --> 00:26:44,789
in this.
You put something?

603
00:26:44,831 --> 00:26:46,334
No, no.

604
00:26:46,375 --> 00:26:48,756
You want to make
this a Cosbypolitan?

605
00:26:48,797 --> 00:26:50,760
- No. Thank you.
- Thank you.

606
00:26:50,801 --> 00:26:53,599
I had heard you might need
an opener for this week.

607
00:26:53,641 --> 00:26:55,811
From who?

608
00:26:55,853 --> 00:26:58,609
- Chuck.
- Chuck?

609
00:26:58,651 --> 00:27:00,947
- Fuck Chuck!
- He may have mentioned it.

610
00:27:00,988 --> 00:27:04,579
And let me say, if you take me,

611
00:27:04,621 --> 00:27:08,837
I will drive and I will pay
for every expense.

612
00:27:08,879 --> 00:27:12,887
- What?
- I'll pay for everything.

613
00:27:12,929 --> 00:27:15,014
- Booze?
- Yes.

614
00:27:15,016 --> 00:27:17,981
- Gas?
- Yes.

615
00:27:18,022 --> 00:27:20,277
Viagra?

616
00:27:20,318 --> 00:27:22,489
If you need it.

617
00:27:22,532 --> 00:27:24,534
Anal beads?

618
00:27:24,536 --> 00:27:25,955
I don't know where to get those,

619
00:27:25,997 --> 00:27:28,040
but I'll give you cash.

620
00:27:28,042 --> 00:27:29,754
All right.

621
00:27:29,796 --> 00:27:33,050
How about this,
on top of all the expenses,

622
00:27:33,052 --> 00:27:36,475
you can also keep all the money
I will get paid for opening

623
00:27:36,518 --> 00:27:38,522
as well as an additional 3,000

624
00:27:38,564 --> 00:27:41,862
on top for the opportunity?

625
00:27:41,903 --> 00:27:43,866
What do you say?

626
00:27:43,907 --> 00:27:46,078
Why?

627
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,043
Money is fleeting, Pete.

628
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:51,047
Comedy isn't.

629
00:27:51,088 --> 00:27:55,639
And I want to learn
from the best, you.

630
00:27:57,643 --> 00:27:59,731
Well, I'd be an asshole
if I said no.

631
00:27:59,773 --> 00:28:01,108
Yes.

632
00:28:01,150 --> 00:28:02,945
Oh, thank you,

633
00:28:02,987 --> 00:28:04,614
I am but your humble servant.

634
00:28:04,616 --> 00:28:06,785
Ha! Servant.

635
00:28:06,787 --> 00:28:09,122
Servant! You said it, Renfield.

636
00:28:09,124 --> 00:28:11,755
I was right,
that bottle of wine is on point.

637
00:28:11,797 --> 00:28:13,592
Touche.

638
00:28:13,634 --> 00:28:15,636
So, we're good?

639
00:28:15,638 --> 00:28:17,140
Yeah, we're good.

640
00:28:17,182 --> 00:28:19,771
- Wonderful.
- Let me tell you something.

641
00:28:20,856 --> 00:28:24,614
I'm not sucking your dick,

642
00:28:24,656 --> 00:28:25,991
and more importantly...

643
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:29,081
you're not sucking my dick.

644
00:28:31,670 --> 00:28:34,425
Look, just... I don't...
Just no dicks, okay?

645
00:28:34,466 --> 00:28:36,638
No dicks, okay?

646
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:38,099
No touching tips.

647
00:28:38,141 --> 00:28:39,787
No, "Hey, show me yours,
I'll show you mine."

648
00:28:39,811 --> 00:28:43,902
It ain't fucking
summer camp, okay?

649
00:28:43,944 --> 00:28:45,698
Understood.

650
00:28:45,739 --> 00:28:48,411
To our dickless adventure.

651
00:28:51,835 --> 00:28:53,043
All right.

652
00:28:53,045 --> 00:28:54,924
Dude, you win.

653
00:28:54,966 --> 00:28:58,724
There's no way I would
ever agree to take him with me.

654
00:28:58,765 --> 00:29:01,020
Guy has a freaking coffin.

655
00:29:01,061 --> 00:29:04,736
I'm almost sure
that is mostly for show.

656
00:29:04,777 --> 00:29:06,236
How do you know that?

657
00:29:06,238 --> 00:29:09,579
Hmm, because
he told me with his words, Pete.

658
00:29:09,621 --> 00:29:12,250
You got to cut out
this jealousy bullshit.

659
00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:14,087
I'm not jealous.

660
00:29:14,129 --> 00:29:15,232
But you're still
my girlfriend, right,

661
00:29:15,256 --> 00:29:16,925
or did I miss that memo?

662
00:29:16,927 --> 00:29:19,056
- Girlfriend. Right.
- Yeah, girlfriend.

663
00:29:19,097 --> 00:29:21,520
Hmm, more like pit stop
when you drift into town

664
00:29:21,561 --> 00:29:24,526
- every six weeks.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

665
00:29:24,567 --> 00:29:27,907
- Come on.
- No. You come on.

666
00:29:27,949 --> 00:29:29,619
Honey, you're always
on the road,

667
00:29:29,661 --> 00:29:31,139
which I understand,
but you barely even text me

668
00:29:31,163 --> 00:29:32,792
in between spells of inebriation

669
00:29:32,833 --> 00:29:34,253
and hangover,

670
00:29:34,294 --> 00:29:36,048
which is a very small window,
by the way.

671
00:29:36,090 --> 00:29:38,971
Okay. First of all,
like my thumbs get tired, okay?

672
00:29:39,012 --> 00:29:42,018
Second of all,
I lose battery power.

673
00:29:42,060 --> 00:29:44,147
And third of all,
that's just not true.

674
00:29:44,189 --> 00:29:46,110
It's abso-fucking-lutely true.

675
00:29:46,151 --> 00:29:47,738
Oh, and irrelevant.

676
00:29:47,780 --> 00:29:49,701
Ethan is my friend.
Period.

677
00:29:49,742 --> 00:29:52,328
He's a good guy and I want you
to get to know him.

678
00:29:52,330 --> 00:29:54,251
He's your friend?

679
00:29:56,715 --> 00:29:58,175
Why?

680
00:29:58,217 --> 00:29:59,846
He's like 12.

681
00:29:59,887 --> 00:30:01,346
Ew!

682
00:30:01,348 --> 00:30:03,311
Epstein much?

683
00:30:04,897 --> 00:30:06,356
Okay.
Well, that 12-year-old

684
00:30:06,358 --> 00:30:07,945
is wise beyond his years

685
00:30:07,987 --> 00:30:09,616
and you could learn
a thing or two.

686
00:30:09,657 --> 00:30:13,037
Like what,
how to hang upside down?

687
00:30:13,039 --> 00:30:15,251
Stop being a titty-baby
and look in the mirror.

688
00:30:15,293 --> 00:30:18,007
-No.
Yes.

689
00:30:18,049 --> 00:30:19,820
- I don't wanna.
- Look in the mirror.

690
00:30:19,844 --> 00:30:21,657
- You can't make me.
- Look in the mirror, Pete.

691
00:30:21,681 --> 00:30:23,892
All right. I'll look.
I'll look.

692
00:30:23,894 --> 00:30:25,271
Jesus Christ.

693
00:30:25,313 --> 00:30:28,695
Ethan is you
when you first started,

694
00:30:28,737 --> 00:30:30,198
when you were hungry
and thirsty,

695
00:30:30,239 --> 00:30:33,410
and willing to sacrifice
anything for a laugh.

696
00:30:33,412 --> 00:30:35,375
Do you even remember that, Pete?

697
00:30:35,416 --> 00:30:37,418
Yeah.

698
00:30:37,420 --> 00:30:40,886
Because that "anything"
became me.

699
00:30:44,267 --> 00:30:45,436
I'm sorry.

700
00:30:46,940 --> 00:30:48,335
I don't know what happened
all these years,

701
00:30:48,359 --> 00:30:50,444
you know, just chasing a laugh.

702
00:30:50,446 --> 00:30:51,950
But I never ever lost...

703
00:30:51,991 --> 00:30:54,413
Lost sight of me. Yeah.

704
00:30:59,297 --> 00:31:01,968
How'd you know
I was gonna say that?

705
00:31:01,970 --> 00:31:03,073
Because I know
you better

706
00:31:03,097 --> 00:31:05,101
than you know yourself.

707
00:31:05,143 --> 00:31:07,732
But, of course, you seem
to have forgotten that.

708
00:31:10,529 --> 00:31:12,155
No. I just... look.

709
00:31:12,157 --> 00:31:13,325
But just...

710
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:22,093
you haven't been the same
since Charlie.

711
00:31:22,135 --> 00:31:24,012
But I promised you,
I would always be there

712
00:31:24,014 --> 00:31:27,061
for you and here I am.

713
00:31:27,103 --> 00:31:30,151
But it's pretty clear that...

714
00:31:30,193 --> 00:31:33,199
the old Pete isn't coming back.

715
00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:34,867
But that's okay.

716
00:31:34,869 --> 00:31:36,790
Maybe this is a chance
at a new beginning.

717
00:31:38,543 --> 00:31:40,964
You need this, Pete.

718
00:31:41,006 --> 00:31:42,383
We both do.

719
00:31:46,141 --> 00:31:48,895
Or maybe you just need someone
to keep tabs on me?

720
00:31:48,897 --> 00:31:51,193
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me right now?

721
00:31:51,235 --> 00:31:52,877
- What?
- You don't think I'm aware

722
00:31:52,905 --> 00:31:54,907
of the D-grade slags
that cling onto you

723
00:31:54,909 --> 00:31:58,290
in between truck stop towns
and dingy-ass dive bars.

724
00:31:58,332 --> 00:32:00,919
Hold on. D?

725
00:32:00,921 --> 00:32:03,844
D, like double D.

726
00:32:03,885 --> 00:32:06,516
Okay. What?
I can't help who talks to me.

727
00:32:06,558 --> 00:32:08,352
- What do you want from me?
- I don't know.

728
00:32:08,394 --> 00:32:10,040
But maybe I'll find the answer
in your phone.

729
00:32:10,064 --> 00:32:11,860
Maybe if I peruse
through your text,

730
00:32:11,901 --> 00:32:13,989
I'm gonna find a bunch
of late-night conspicuous

731
00:32:14,030 --> 00:32:16,116
belfies from your harlot
fan club.

732
00:32:16,118 --> 00:32:18,205
What's a belfie?

733
00:32:18,247 --> 00:32:20,293
It's a butt selfie. Come on.

734
00:32:20,334 --> 00:32:21,627
Get on it, grandpa.

735
00:32:21,629 --> 00:32:23,173
I don't know. I'm...

736
00:32:23,215 --> 00:32:25,094
That's besides the point, okay?

737
00:32:25,136 --> 00:32:27,473
My loyalty only goes so far.

738
00:32:28,977 --> 00:32:30,311
You know what?
Fine. Whatever.

739
00:32:30,313 --> 00:32:31,900
I'll take him, okay?

740
00:32:31,941 --> 00:32:32,983
I don't have time for this.

741
00:32:32,985 --> 00:32:34,404
Good.

742
00:32:35,657 --> 00:32:38,327
You know what?
It's right there.

743
00:32:38,329 --> 00:32:39,624
- Knock yourself out.
- I will.

744
00:32:39,665 --> 00:32:41,335
- I have to pack.
- Okay.

745
00:32:41,376 --> 00:32:43,047
- Have fun.
- I will.

746
00:32:43,088 --> 00:32:44,172
- Go for it.
- Great.

747
00:32:44,174 --> 00:32:45,176
- Yeah.
- Fun times.

748
00:32:45,217 --> 00:32:46,930
- Enjoy yourself.
- Uh-hmm.

749
00:32:46,971 --> 00:32:49,225
- Good convo.
- Yeah. Thanks.

750
00:32:59,747 --> 00:33:02,043
You got so lucky.

751
00:33:03,546 --> 00:33:05,341
Hello?

752
00:33:05,383 --> 00:33:09,140
Oh, hey, Roy.

753
00:33:09,182 --> 00:33:11,478
Sounding extra
manly today, dude.

754
00:33:11,521 --> 00:33:14,150
What's up?

755
00:33:14,192 --> 00:33:15,546
No. I don't wanna play
a strip club.

756
00:33:15,570 --> 00:33:17,533
That's disgusting.

757
00:33:17,574 --> 00:33:19,578
Do you have any more man gigs?

758
00:33:19,620 --> 00:33:24,252
Do you have any bachelor-er
parties, but all dudes?

759
00:33:24,254 --> 00:33:26,216
We get it.

760
00:33:26,258 --> 00:33:29,431
What?
Perhaps an old folk's home?

761
00:33:29,472 --> 00:33:33,103
- Die!
- That'd be fantastic.

762
00:33:53,312 --> 00:33:56,109
- You fart?
- Vampires don't fart.

763
00:33:56,151 --> 00:33:58,322
Then you're a werewolf
because I smell a fart.

764
00:34:06,421 --> 00:34:09,135
Welcome to East Bumfuck,
Nevada, kid.

765
00:34:09,177 --> 00:34:11,724
ZIP code EIEIO.

766
00:34:11,766 --> 00:34:14,686
Where incest is a gym credit.

767
00:34:14,688 --> 00:34:17,358
- That's funny.
- I know.

768
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:19,657
- Are you going to use that?
- No.

769
00:34:21,451 --> 00:34:23,540
There are holes
in the walls.

770
00:34:23,581 --> 00:34:25,376
Bullet or glory?

771
00:34:25,417 --> 00:34:27,296
I'm afraid to ask.

772
00:34:27,338 --> 00:34:32,265
I often sympathize with,
uh, female reproductive system

773
00:34:32,306 --> 00:34:35,895
as I myself am late
for everything.

774
00:34:35,897 --> 00:34:37,818
I mean, I once joined
a Doomsday Cult.

775
00:34:37,860 --> 00:34:40,657
By the time I got there,
everybody was dead.

776
00:34:40,699 --> 00:34:44,247
And worse, out of Kool-Aid.

777
00:34:45,374 --> 00:34:47,229
They should've saved
some Kool-Aid for that one, huh?

778
00:34:48,380 --> 00:34:49,925
What's that?

779
00:34:49,967 --> 00:34:53,600
- Nothing.
- No. You said something,
cowboy.

780
00:34:55,562 --> 00:34:58,192
I said they should've saved
some Kool-Aid for you

781
00:34:58,233 --> 00:35:00,487
'cause you are out of jokes...

782
00:35:00,530 --> 00:35:02,448
- Ooh.
- ...cowgirl.

783
00:35:02,450 --> 00:35:07,669
This coming from the mayor
of Nevada Incest

784
00:35:07,711 --> 00:35:12,428
Bumfuck EIEEO Cornhole?

785
00:35:12,470 --> 00:35:14,892
- Next!
- Whoa.

786
00:35:14,934 --> 00:35:17,313
I knew I'd catch something
in here.

787
00:35:19,442 --> 00:35:20,904
Guys, I gotta tell you.

788
00:35:20,946 --> 00:35:22,822
This is like
the Radio City Music Hall

789
00:35:22,824 --> 00:35:24,662
of strip club gigs.
I gotta tell you.

790
00:35:25,830 --> 00:35:30,548
Uh, we have open mike
night here, uh, Wednesday.

791
00:35:30,590 --> 00:35:32,594
Ladies, is it open leg night?

792
00:35:34,305 --> 00:35:36,519
You know, some of these jokes
work better with teeth.

793
00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:37,938
You guys remember teeth?

794
00:35:39,858 --> 00:35:42,361
Let's give one more round
of applause for the, uh,

795
00:35:42,363 --> 00:35:44,535
train wreck that is Ethan Barr.

796
00:35:46,329 --> 00:35:49,837
No. His job as opener
is to make me look better.

797
00:35:49,878 --> 00:35:52,381
And he knocked it out
of the park.

798
00:35:52,383 --> 00:35:54,888
He... right. He was...

799
00:35:57,602 --> 00:36:00,650
He killed that shit.

800
00:36:00,692 --> 00:36:03,781
Next week, you guys can see me
at a truck stop in Laughlin.

801
00:36:03,823 --> 00:36:05,910
I'll be playing
a parking structure in Reno.

802
00:36:05,952 --> 00:36:09,500
I'm Pete Brennan.
Goodnight!

803
00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:15,429
Whoo!

804
00:36:29,415 --> 00:36:31,378
Sorry about heckling
y'all earlier.

805
00:36:31,419 --> 00:36:33,129
Thought maybe it should help.

806
00:36:33,131 --> 00:36:36,137
Guess what, it never helps.

807
00:36:36,179 --> 00:36:37,933
Well, let me buy you a drink.

808
00:36:37,974 --> 00:36:40,605
Guess what, that always helps.

809
00:36:40,647 --> 00:36:42,526
All right

810
00:36:42,567 --> 00:36:44,822
Please. Everybody.

811
00:36:44,863 --> 00:36:47,159
What did he say?

812
00:36:47,201 --> 00:36:48,621
Uh, I'm gonna be right back.

813
00:36:51,167 --> 00:36:53,714
Never say, "I'll be right back."

814
00:36:53,756 --> 00:36:56,008
I'm just going to splash
some water on my face.

815
00:36:56,010 --> 00:36:58,641
Uh, ladies' room is that way.

816
00:36:58,683 --> 00:37:01,522
We don't have one of
those non-gender ones,

817
00:37:01,564 --> 00:37:03,526
you'll just have to make do.

818
00:37:05,572 --> 00:37:08,703
Your young fella there
seems a bit touched.

819
00:37:08,744 --> 00:37:10,538
Where did you find him?

820
00:37:10,540 --> 00:37:12,752
He was a keynote speaker
at a flat-earth convention.

821
00:37:16,217 --> 00:37:17,888
Oh!

822
00:37:17,929 --> 00:37:19,516
You had us going there.

823
00:37:19,558 --> 00:37:22,564
Ah? Ah?

824
00:37:22,606 --> 00:37:24,735
Ain't that right?

825
00:37:27,114 --> 00:37:29,953
Yeah, I'm gonna go check
on the young buck.

826
00:37:29,995 --> 00:37:32,082
You said the ladies' room
was that way?

827
00:37:32,124 --> 00:37:35,172
That, see,
he's the funny one for sure.

828
00:37:35,214 --> 00:37:38,136
- I try. I try.
- Don't get lost.

829
00:37:38,178 --> 00:37:40,558
Is that on your tab, Billy Ray?

830
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:42,269
Hell no.
Separate bills.

831
00:37:42,311 --> 00:37:44,566
But they pay for both.

832
00:37:50,620 --> 00:37:52,289
What the fuck are you doing?

833
00:37:52,331 --> 00:37:53,960
It's just blood, Pete.

834
00:37:54,001 --> 00:37:56,172
Can you quit
the fucking vampire routine.

835
00:37:56,214 --> 00:37:59,220
It's not a routine.
It's a necessity.

836
00:37:59,262 --> 00:38:00,972
Don't worry.
I don't need any of yours.

837
00:38:00,974 --> 00:38:02,976
Okay. I may be
a little bit buzzed, okay?

838
00:38:02,978 --> 00:38:06,150
But I'm not a dickhead.
Look, look, look.

839
00:38:06,192 --> 00:38:07,922
If you're a vampire,
how come you have a reflection?

840
00:38:07,946 --> 00:38:09,950
Because that's a myth.

841
00:38:09,992 --> 00:38:11,954
Like garlic
or a stake through the heart,

842
00:38:11,996 --> 00:38:13,248
that would kill anybody.

843
00:38:13,290 --> 00:38:14,331
Well, how have I been outside
with you

844
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:16,004
in the sun like three times?

845
00:38:16,045 --> 00:38:19,093
I just can't be in direct
sunlight for very long.

846
00:38:19,135 --> 00:38:22,308
Pete, I have a very rare
condition called Porphyria.

847
00:38:22,349 --> 00:38:24,686
It affects my hemoglobin
if I don't inject.

848
00:38:24,688 --> 00:38:26,375
- Okay. I'm done. Stop. Stop.
- Pete, listen to me.

849
00:38:26,399 --> 00:38:28,194
No. You listen to me, okay?

850
00:38:28,236 --> 00:38:30,617
I know I'm not one to give
life advice, all right?

851
00:38:30,658 --> 00:38:32,787
I drink too much.
I eat like shit.

852
00:38:32,829 --> 00:38:34,875
I haven't worn a condom
since 1992.

853
00:38:34,916 --> 00:38:36,085
But heroin...

854
00:38:36,127 --> 00:38:38,381
I told you, it's blood.

855
00:38:38,423 --> 00:38:41,137
I know people that I loved

856
00:38:41,179 --> 00:38:43,391
who died on that shit, man.

857
00:38:43,433 --> 00:38:45,895
Brilliant comedians.
And it crushed me.

858
00:38:45,897 --> 00:38:49,070
You think I wanna deal and watch
your open mike ass croak?

859
00:38:49,111 --> 00:38:51,072
And you think for goddamn sure

860
00:38:51,074 --> 00:38:54,038
I don't wanna call your parents
that you OD'd on my watch?

861
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:56,669
You won't have to report
to anyone.

862
00:38:56,710 --> 00:38:58,296
I never knew my father.

863
00:38:58,338 --> 00:39:01,929
And as you've been told,
my mother was behead in 1621.

864
00:39:01,970 --> 00:39:05,770
Oh, my God.
Your generation is so weird.

865
00:39:05,812 --> 00:39:07,772
Look, I give you credit, okay?

866
00:39:07,774 --> 00:39:10,088
You didn't demand a separate
bathroom 'cause you "identify"

867
00:39:10,112 --> 00:39:12,742
as a vampire, but come...

868
00:39:12,784 --> 00:39:14,955
Give me a fuckin' break, bro.

869
00:39:26,812 --> 00:39:28,356
What the fuck?

870
00:39:28,398 --> 00:39:30,360
Don't worry.

871
00:39:30,402 --> 00:39:32,322
I would never bite you, Pete.

872
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:35,830
I got to quit drinking.

873
00:39:37,332 --> 00:39:39,462
That's not a bad idea.

874
00:39:42,301 --> 00:39:43,763
Whoa.

875
00:39:43,804 --> 00:39:45,474
I'm not interrupting some kind

876
00:39:45,516 --> 00:39:47,854
of Brokeback Mountain moment,
am I?

877
00:39:50,860 --> 00:39:54,031
You mind while I unwind?

878
00:39:54,033 --> 00:39:56,872
It's that big.

879
00:39:56,914 --> 00:39:58,876
I got to lay off pills.

880
00:40:00,378 --> 00:40:02,090
I might eat him.

881
00:40:02,132 --> 00:40:03,176
What?

882
00:40:08,186 --> 00:40:09,480
Morning, morning, morning.

883
00:40:09,523 --> 00:40:11,527
Hello, hello, hello.
I'm Carrie.

884
00:40:11,568 --> 00:40:14,071
I'm the producer of
Minky & Connie in the Morning.

885
00:40:14,073 --> 00:40:15,408
I'm guessing
by those droopy eyes

886
00:40:15,450 --> 00:40:16,954
you must be
our whacky comedians?

887
00:40:16,995 --> 00:40:18,580
Busted.

888
00:40:18,582 --> 00:40:20,377
You totally forgot
the Visine, bro.

889
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:22,549
See? I can already
tell you're funny.

890
00:40:22,590 --> 00:40:25,847
Now, if I can just have you fill
out these forms, please.

891
00:40:25,888 --> 00:40:27,598
What's this?

892
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:29,268
Just a little background info
with lead-ins for your skits.

893
00:40:29,270 --> 00:40:30,938
You don't have
to write the whole joke out,

894
00:40:30,940 --> 00:40:32,608
just an idea
of what you're gonna say.

895
00:40:32,610 --> 00:40:34,549
Think of it like doing panel
for a late night talk show.

896
00:40:34,573 --> 00:40:36,492
- Carrie, is it?
- Uh-hmm.

897
00:40:36,535 --> 00:40:38,496
- You're new here?
- Uh-uh.

898
00:40:38,539 --> 00:40:42,129
We find it's better
just to be spontaneous.

899
00:40:42,170 --> 00:40:43,632
Pete, is it?

900
00:40:43,674 --> 00:40:46,178
We find that,
because you're on a D-List tour,

901
00:40:46,220 --> 00:40:49,101
you D-List comedians
consider this a D-List station.

902
00:40:49,143 --> 00:40:51,145
Guess what, it's not.

903
00:40:51,147 --> 00:40:53,401
We stream nationally
online and satellite radio.

904
00:40:53,443 --> 00:40:56,909
I'm well-aware that organic
comedy generally works better.

905
00:40:56,950 --> 00:40:58,913
However, most comics
come in here hung over

906
00:40:58,954 --> 00:41:00,642
whining about why they have
to do radio at 6:00 a.m.

907
00:41:00,666 --> 00:41:02,437
when the show they're plugging
isn't until 9:00 p.m.

908
00:41:02,461 --> 00:41:04,925
And it's true, most people
listening this morning

909
00:41:04,966 --> 00:41:06,342
probably won't go tonight.

910
00:41:06,344 --> 00:41:08,139
But we have
such a loyal fan base,

911
00:41:08,181 --> 00:41:09,935
they might just follow you
on social media.

912
00:41:09,976 --> 00:41:12,064
Get your ten followers up.

913
00:41:12,105 --> 00:41:14,358
Or perhaps they just enjoy
watching clips of old cisgender

914
00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:15,696
white male wash-up comedians,

915
00:41:15,738 --> 00:41:18,284
vagina-shaming hotel clerks.
Okay?

916
00:41:19,370 --> 00:41:21,040
Who are you?

917
00:41:22,167 --> 00:41:24,088
It was a joke.

918
00:41:24,129 --> 00:41:26,217
Hmm, I saw.
So funny, I forgot to laugh.

919
00:41:26,258 --> 00:41:28,262
Anyhoo, I can tell you that

920
00:41:28,304 --> 00:41:30,433
last week's guests
were hilarious.

921
00:41:30,475 --> 00:41:32,394
So, I highly suggest
you bring your "A-game" today.

922
00:41:32,396 --> 00:41:33,563
Understood?

923
00:41:33,565 --> 00:41:35,233
Okay. Good talks.

924
00:41:35,235 --> 00:41:37,030
I'll give you a minute
to fill out your form,

925
00:41:37,072 --> 00:41:39,010
and then I'll come back to bring
you guys into the studio.

926
00:41:39,034 --> 00:41:40,663
Okay? Okay.

927
00:41:40,705 --> 00:41:42,082
Done?

928
00:41:43,544 --> 00:41:45,422
Why, thank you.

929
00:42:01,830 --> 00:42:04,043
What's a blue waffle?

930
00:42:11,098 --> 00:42:12,474
All right. They'll be ready
for you after the break.

931
00:42:12,476 --> 00:42:14,229
If you guys will just follow me.

932
00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:17,484
Thank you.

933
00:42:17,486 --> 00:42:20,659
Hmm. No. Uh-uh. Nope.

934
00:42:22,580 --> 00:42:24,584
Ugh.

935
00:42:24,626 --> 00:42:27,339
Seriously,
what makes it blue?

936
00:42:30,261 --> 00:42:32,307
Okay. When that light goes off,
we're good to go.

937
00:42:32,349 --> 00:42:36,315
Ready? In three, two, one.

938
00:42:36,357 --> 00:42:37,819
- Good timing.
- Oh, thank you.

939
00:42:37,860 --> 00:42:39,531
Not bad for a newbie, huh?

940
00:42:39,572 --> 00:42:41,173
Your father owns the station,
doesn't he?

941
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:42,787
How's your hairline?

942
00:42:47,672 --> 00:42:49,383
Remember when getting away...

943
00:42:49,424 --> 00:42:51,226
Hey, guys.
Take a seat. Give me a sec.

944
00:42:51,262 --> 00:42:52,825
...the family
and hitting the road?

945
00:42:52,849 --> 00:42:54,369
So, we're back in 30.
We're gonna do a quick wrap

946
00:42:54,393 --> 00:42:55,894
then we'll bring you guys on,

947
00:42:55,896 --> 00:42:58,442
take a few phone calls,
give away a few tickets.

948
00:42:58,484 --> 00:43:01,448
You guys will be back
in bed before sunrise.

949
00:43:01,490 --> 00:43:04,747
Oh, all right.
Oh, that shit was good.

950
00:43:04,789 --> 00:43:06,585
Those are your cans right there.

951
00:43:06,626 --> 00:43:08,355
Put them on and make sure
you get really close to the mic

952
00:43:08,379 --> 00:43:09,755
like it's a big old
"you know what".

953
00:43:12,597 --> 00:43:14,433
- Hey, folks.
- Hey, folks.

954
00:43:14,474 --> 00:43:16,395
Welcome back to
Minky & Connie in the Morning

955
00:43:16,437 --> 00:43:18,940
where we put
the Big O back in KBLO.

956
00:43:18,942 --> 00:43:21,363
All right. Who knows
that better than you, Minky?

957
00:43:21,405 --> 00:43:22,742
Hey-oh.

958
00:43:22,783 --> 00:43:24,621
It's 6:06 this dreary
Tuesday morning.

959
00:43:24,662 --> 00:43:25,891
But here to bring some sunshine,

960
00:43:25,915 --> 00:43:27,710
we're talking to the comics

961
00:43:27,752 --> 00:43:29,629
who are gonna be performing
tonight at the Rusty Nail.

962
00:43:29,631 --> 00:43:31,633
Pete Brennan
and Ethan Barr.

963
00:43:31,635 --> 00:43:34,389
- Hey-oh.
- Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

964
00:43:34,431 --> 00:43:35,807
How are you boys
doing this morning?

965
00:43:35,809 --> 00:43:37,645
Uh, peachy.

966
00:43:37,647 --> 00:43:41,278
Just... yeah, we're not
as caffeinated as you guys.

967
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:42,865
You did cocaine.

968
00:43:44,994 --> 00:43:46,247
That's hysterical!

969
00:43:46,288 --> 00:43:47,708
They got jokes.

970
00:43:47,750 --> 00:43:49,391
- That is so funny.
- You said it, Connie.

971
00:43:49,419 --> 00:43:51,298
Now, Pete,
it says here you're originally

972
00:43:51,340 --> 00:43:53,403
from Pittsburg and have appeared
on The Tonight Show?

973
00:43:53,427 --> 00:43:54,889
That's right. Yeah. I...

974
00:43:54,931 --> 00:43:57,016
I loved that show
when Johnny Carson was the host.

975
00:43:57,018 --> 00:43:58,647
He was the best,
then Dave Letterman.

976
00:43:58,689 --> 00:44:00,022
I miss Dave. Uh,

977
00:44:00,024 --> 00:44:01,736
have you seen
his new interview shows?

978
00:44:01,778 --> 00:44:03,382
I have it cued up
and I haven't had a chance

979
00:44:03,406 --> 00:44:04,699
to watch it yet.
I'm still finishing up Ozark.

980
00:44:04,701 --> 00:44:07,036
Shut up.
I just binged that last week.

981
00:44:07,038 --> 00:44:08,583
Don't spoil it, Connie.

982
00:44:08,625 --> 00:44:09,794
Well, I... hmm.

983
00:44:09,836 --> 00:44:12,548
So Pete, what's your skit like?

984
00:44:12,550 --> 00:44:14,887
Well, I do mix of character.
I do political...

985
00:44:14,929 --> 00:44:16,808
It says... wait, wait.
It says here

986
00:44:16,850 --> 00:44:18,412
you have a really good joke
about you losing your luggage

987
00:44:18,436 --> 00:44:20,040
on the way here?
What the hell is that about?

988
00:44:20,064 --> 00:44:22,066
- Man, I hate when that happens!
- Doesn't everyone?

989
00:44:22,068 --> 00:44:25,408
Especially Pete because,
y'all, he drove.

990
00:44:25,450 --> 00:44:28,039
Oh. Pete,
I gotta hear that joke.

991
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:29,414
Do the joke.

992
00:44:29,416 --> 00:44:30,627
Do it. Do the joke.

993
00:44:30,669 --> 00:44:32,757
Um, you just did.

994
00:44:32,798 --> 00:44:34,301
She told you the punchline.

995
00:44:35,888 --> 00:44:37,432
Right.

996
00:44:37,474 --> 00:44:38,643
Ethan.

997
00:44:38,685 --> 00:44:40,063
I am loving this whole

998
00:44:40,104 --> 00:44:42,568
"emo" thing you have going on.
Hmm.

999
00:44:42,610 --> 00:44:46,576
Baby, I could just eat
that ass up.

1000
00:44:46,618 --> 00:44:49,498
- Well, I am a vampire.
- I know, right?

1001
00:44:49,540 --> 00:44:51,687
Especially with these late
hours, it sure feels that way.

1002
00:44:51,711 --> 00:44:53,548
I know. We should
just wrap this up

1003
00:44:53,590 --> 00:44:54,884
before the sun comes up, right?

1004
00:44:54,926 --> 00:44:56,805
Actually, that's a myth.

1005
00:44:56,846 --> 00:44:58,391
We can be on the sun just like...

1006
00:44:58,432 --> 00:44:59,852
Favorite vampire movie, I say

1007
00:44:59,894 --> 00:45:01,397
Dracula: Dead & Loving It.

1008
00:45:01,438 --> 00:45:02,981
Ooh. All my nieces got me sucked

1009
00:45:02,983 --> 00:45:04,529
into the whole Twilight craze.

1010
00:45:04,570 --> 00:45:05,906
"Sucked" being
the operative word

1011
00:45:05,948 --> 00:45:07,535
as those films
certainly did suck.

1012
00:45:08,912 --> 00:45:10,162
He's a comedian now.

1013
00:45:10,164 --> 00:45:11,666
Look at that, Minky.

1014
00:45:11,668 --> 00:45:12,837
See? It's not so hard.

1015
00:45:12,878 --> 00:45:14,966
You can do it.
Good job.

1016
00:45:15,007 --> 00:45:17,513
So Ethan, back to us.

1017
00:45:17,555 --> 00:45:19,767
So, since you're part
of that whole undead family,

1018
00:45:19,809 --> 00:45:21,980
which you're so freakin' sexy,

1019
00:45:22,021 --> 00:45:25,153
what is your favorite
vampire movie, hmm?

1020
00:45:25,194 --> 00:45:26,863
Well, you see, the problem is,

1021
00:45:26,865 --> 00:45:30,121
they aren't usually
historically accurate.

1022
00:45:30,163 --> 00:45:32,083
- But I suppose Blade is...
- Come on.

1023
00:45:32,125 --> 00:45:33,837
Interview with the Vampire,
they nailed it.

1024
00:45:33,879 --> 00:45:36,047
- Yeah.
- They didn't.

1025
00:45:36,049 --> 00:45:38,597
Uh, Tom Cruise
and Brad Pitt? Dream team!

1026
00:45:38,638 --> 00:45:39,825
And that little girl,
what was her name?

1027
00:45:39,849 --> 00:45:41,519
I don't know. She like

1028
00:45:41,561 --> 00:45:43,565
screwed Spiderman or something,
like, dirt, dust.

1029
00:45:43,607 --> 00:45:45,232
- Kirsten Durst.
- Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey.

1030
00:45:45,234 --> 00:45:46,903
You... look, you cheated, Minky.

1031
00:45:46,905 --> 00:45:48,867
It's Kirsten Dunst.

1032
00:45:48,909 --> 00:45:50,075
I was looking up something else.

1033
00:45:50,077 --> 00:45:51,623
Oh, now you're gonna lie?

1034
00:45:51,664 --> 00:45:52,809
You're gonna lie to the people.

1035
00:45:52,833 --> 00:45:54,545
Okay. If you think Minky lied,

1036
00:45:54,587 --> 00:45:56,268
I want you to tell us
on Twitter right now.

1037
00:45:56,298 --> 00:45:58,512
All right. Thank you so much,
Pete and Ethan.

1038
00:45:58,553 --> 00:45:59,823
I appreciate
y'all for being here.

1039
00:45:59,847 --> 00:46:01,225
Or as they should
call themselves,

1040
00:46:01,266 --> 00:46:03,688
the comedy duo
of A-bat and Costello.

1041
00:46:03,730 --> 00:46:06,235
Good one, yeah.

1042
00:46:06,276 --> 00:46:08,072
Coming up after the break,

1043
00:46:08,113 --> 00:46:09,742
we're gonna open up
the phone lines

1044
00:46:09,784 --> 00:46:11,304
and we're gonna be talking
to the sexy girls

1045
00:46:11,328 --> 00:46:12,974
from the Rabbit Ranch
who are gonna be showing up

1046
00:46:12,998 --> 00:46:15,671
to test out some new
"adult products".

1047
00:46:15,712 --> 00:46:18,131
Ooh, my kind of talk show.

1048
00:46:18,133 --> 00:46:20,096
All right.
You don't wanna miss that.

1049
00:46:20,137 --> 00:46:22,975
And if anyone wants some
free tickets to tonight's show,

1050
00:46:22,977 --> 00:46:25,774
I want you to hashtag
Ethan is a Vampire.

1051
00:46:25,816 --> 00:46:27,653
Also, #MinkyLies.

1052
00:46:27,695 --> 00:46:29,949
We'll be back in five.

1053
00:46:29,991 --> 00:46:31,869
Oh.

1054
00:46:31,911 --> 00:46:34,141
That was great, guys. You're
the best segment we've ever had.

1055
00:46:34,165 --> 00:46:35,877
I really appreciate
you guys being here.

1056
00:46:35,919 --> 00:46:37,169
You guys did
really well. Thank you so much

1057
00:46:37,171 --> 00:46:38,734
for stopping by.
That was wonderful work.

1058
00:46:38,758 --> 00:46:41,679
Yeah. I'm just so fucking
high right now.

1059
00:46:41,681 --> 00:46:44,685
Can someone punch me
in the face?

1060
00:46:44,687 --> 00:46:46,106
Just punch me square
in the face.

1061
00:46:46,148 --> 00:46:47,191
No, Pete. Why?

1062
00:46:47,233 --> 00:46:48,987
You wanna do a shot?

1063
00:46:49,029 --> 00:46:50,866
I gotta go to my chiropractor
this afternoon.

1064
00:46:50,907 --> 00:46:52,911
You're such a square.

1065
00:46:52,953 --> 00:46:55,124
Fuck it.

1066
00:46:55,166 --> 00:46:57,711
All right. Come on in.
We're so excited to have you.

1067
00:46:57,713 --> 00:46:59,800
Just go with it
and be spontaneous.

1068
00:46:59,842 --> 00:47:01,846
We found it works
so much better that way, okay?

1069
00:47:01,888 --> 00:47:03,388
Okay.

1070
00:47:04,894 --> 00:47:05,894
Hey, hey, hey.
Good morning.

1071
00:47:05,896 --> 00:47:07,731
How are you guys?

1072
00:47:07,733 --> 00:47:09,904
You sit over there

1073
00:47:09,945 --> 00:47:11,323
Does that girl
have a bag of dicks?

1074
00:47:11,365 --> 00:47:12,618
Uh-hmm.

1075
00:47:13,912 --> 00:47:15,331
That's my career.

1076
00:47:15,373 --> 00:47:17,293
My career has been following
a bag of dicks.

1077
00:47:17,335 --> 00:47:18,838
That's just where I'm at.

1078
00:47:20,383 --> 00:47:22,259
Wow.

1079
00:47:22,261 --> 00:47:24,140
That, um...

1080
00:47:24,182 --> 00:47:28,105
Ethan's a Vampire hashtag
has over a thousand retweets.

1081
00:47:28,107 --> 00:47:29,401
Huh.

1082
00:47:29,442 --> 00:47:31,279
You're trending in Area 51.

1083
00:47:31,321 --> 00:47:33,281
Embrace it.

1084
00:47:33,283 --> 00:47:34,829
How so?

1085
00:47:34,870 --> 00:47:36,287
I don't know.

1086
00:47:36,289 --> 00:47:39,087
I haven't quite
figured you out yet,

1087
00:47:39,129 --> 00:47:41,799
but you seem to be all-in
with this whole vampire thing.

1088
00:47:41,801 --> 00:47:44,139
So, I think
you should just run with it.

1089
00:47:44,180 --> 00:47:46,393
I am a vampire, Pete.

1090
00:47:46,435 --> 00:47:50,736
See? Now I believe
you believe that, which is good.

1091
00:47:50,777 --> 00:47:52,948
It takes comics years
to find their voice.

1092
00:47:52,990 --> 00:47:54,825
You did it in a few months.

1093
00:47:56,246 --> 00:47:58,752
I'm sorry.
I... I... I don't follow.

1094
00:47:58,793 --> 00:48:00,337
Look.

1095
00:48:00,379 --> 00:48:02,341
I know my place
in this business, okay?

1096
00:48:02,383 --> 00:48:04,095
I'm a cisgender

1097
00:48:04,137 --> 00:48:07,936
white male piece of shit, okay?

1098
00:48:07,978 --> 00:48:11,318
There's millions
of "mes" out there, okay?

1099
00:48:11,359 --> 00:48:12,988
It's a different ballgame today.

1100
00:48:13,030 --> 00:48:14,784
It's not just
about being funny anymore.

1101
00:48:14,825 --> 00:48:16,387
It's about how many
social media followers you have,

1102
00:48:16,411 --> 00:48:18,205
what box do you check

1103
00:48:18,207 --> 00:48:19,960
or about a gimmick.

1104
00:48:20,002 --> 00:48:23,091
You know, like that
thumb trick thing you do.

1105
00:48:23,133 --> 00:48:25,221
Oh, yes.

1106
00:48:25,262 --> 00:48:28,310
My Grandma Liz
taught me many, um,

1107
00:48:28,352 --> 00:48:30,356
"tricks" when I was younger.

1108
00:48:30,397 --> 00:48:34,197
So good. I would exploit
the shit out of that if I could.

1109
00:48:34,239 --> 00:48:36,911
Instead I was too busy
trying to be a comic's comic.

1110
00:48:38,205 --> 00:48:41,546
What's a "comic's comic?"

1111
00:48:41,587 --> 00:48:43,923
It's when all the comedians
stop talking in the back

1112
00:48:43,925 --> 00:48:45,386
of the room and they stop

1113
00:48:45,427 --> 00:48:48,599
to watch your set
and they study you.

1114
00:48:48,601 --> 00:48:50,564
It's the ultimate
form of flattery.

1115
00:48:50,605 --> 00:48:52,860
And how do you get that?

1116
00:48:52,901 --> 00:48:56,074
Truth, fearlessness, and time.

1117
00:48:56,116 --> 00:48:58,161
Time is overrated.

1118
00:48:58,203 --> 00:49:00,917
Sure, when you don't
appreciate it.

1119
00:49:00,959 --> 00:49:03,380
I did the same thing
when I was your age.

1120
00:49:03,422 --> 00:49:05,467
But time is precious.

1121
00:49:05,510 --> 00:49:08,015
You can never get it back.

1122
00:49:08,056 --> 00:49:09,641
I know.

1123
00:49:09,643 --> 00:49:12,900
I literally have all the time
in the world.

1124
00:49:12,941 --> 00:49:15,487
I spent 200 years
learning the harpsichord.

1125
00:49:15,530 --> 00:49:17,991
By the time I perfected it,

1126
00:49:17,993 --> 00:49:19,997
baroque music was obsolete.

1127
00:49:22,001 --> 00:49:25,049
Ha! Ha! See?
Now that's funny, dude.

1128
00:49:25,090 --> 00:49:26,510
Come on.

1129
00:49:26,552 --> 00:49:29,015
Why don't you do that
on stage tonight?

1130
00:49:29,057 --> 00:49:31,061
Look, when you go
up there tonight,

1131
00:49:31,102 --> 00:49:34,190
I want you to be you.

1132
00:49:34,192 --> 00:49:37,198
And if you suck, at least,
you'll be sucking as yourself.

1133
00:49:37,239 --> 00:49:38,701
Can you try... ah!

1134
00:49:38,743 --> 00:49:41,414
- Watch your feet!
- Son of a cock!

1135
00:49:41,456 --> 00:49:43,126
Hey, hand me that mop bucket
over there.

1136
00:49:43,168 --> 00:49:45,715
Some fuckwad puked
all over the damn place.

1137
00:49:49,097 --> 00:49:50,432
Thanks.

1138
00:49:50,474 --> 00:49:51,519
Got it.

1139
00:49:54,065 --> 00:49:55,610
Oh, God.

1140
00:50:00,327 --> 00:50:02,248
Living the dream, dude.

1141
00:50:03,375 --> 00:50:04,712
This what you want, Ethan?

1142
00:50:08,427 --> 00:50:10,095
Absolutely.

1143
00:50:10,097 --> 00:50:13,103
And she's why
they call it beheading.

1144
00:50:15,107 --> 00:50:16,777
Hey.

1145
00:50:16,819 --> 00:50:18,445
Hey.

1146
00:50:18,447 --> 00:50:21,117
Hey, you know this place
is haunted, right?

1147
00:50:21,119 --> 00:50:22,789
No, I'll just have a beer.

1148
00:50:22,831 --> 00:50:26,046
And it was actually
the entire fist.

1149
00:50:26,087 --> 00:50:29,343
Boo!

1150
00:50:29,385 --> 00:50:31,640
Is it always this rowdy here?

1151
00:50:31,682 --> 00:50:33,477
Oh, God, no.
Not mostly.

1152
00:50:33,519 --> 00:50:35,147
But see, most of these folks,

1153
00:50:35,189 --> 00:50:36,710
they heard y'all on the radio
this morning.

1154
00:50:36,734 --> 00:50:38,318
So, uh, well,

1155
00:50:38,320 --> 00:50:40,407
they cannot see the undead.

1156
00:50:40,449 --> 00:50:42,660
No, I'm alive, okay?

1157
00:50:42,662 --> 00:50:44,373
I don't know
what the hell he is.

1158
00:50:44,415 --> 00:50:48,090
Hmm, may I take your pulse
to confirm that?

1159
00:50:48,131 --> 00:50:50,804
Vampire! Vampire!

1160
00:50:50,845 --> 00:50:52,849
Vampire! Vampire!

1161
00:50:52,891 --> 00:50:55,145
Vampire! Vampire!

1162
00:50:55,187 --> 00:50:56,607
Vampire!

1163
00:50:56,649 --> 00:50:58,318
I'm sorry, what's that you say?

1164
00:50:58,360 --> 00:51:02,409
- Vampire!
- Ah, yes,

1165
00:51:02,451 --> 00:51:04,623
vampires,

1166
00:51:04,665 --> 00:51:09,465
the immortal creatures
of both mystery and myth.

1167
00:51:24,746 --> 00:51:26,667
Hey, bite me!

1168
00:51:26,709 --> 00:51:28,588
You aren't worthy of my powers.

1169
00:51:30,215 --> 00:51:31,760
Then suck my dick!

1170
00:51:31,802 --> 00:51:33,556
My friend,

1171
00:51:33,598 --> 00:51:35,643
there isn't enough blood
in that tiny thing

1172
00:51:35,685 --> 00:51:37,396
to keep me alive for an hour.

1173
00:51:37,438 --> 00:51:39,860
Say that to his face, ya pussy!

1174
00:51:39,902 --> 00:51:44,450
Technically,
I just did, but okay...

1175
00:51:44,452 --> 00:51:46,206
Jesus, fuck!

1176
00:51:47,333 --> 00:51:48,544
Hell did he go?

1177
00:51:50,798 --> 00:51:52,510
- Shh!
- What the fuck?

1178
00:52:05,494 --> 00:52:06,872
Is that mirrors?
Is that mirrors?

1179
00:52:06,914 --> 00:52:08,375
- You got mirrors in there?
- No!

1180
00:52:08,416 --> 00:52:10,755
That a special effect?

1181
00:52:10,797 --> 00:52:13,844
Whoa.

1182
00:52:17,644 --> 00:52:19,313
Ladies and gentlemen,

1183
00:52:19,355 --> 00:52:21,025
you have been delicious.

1184
00:52:21,067 --> 00:52:22,904
Thank you.

1185
00:52:28,541 --> 00:52:30,878
Oh, if he broke that,
he's fucking paying for it.

1186
00:52:30,920 --> 00:52:32,674
Are you kidding me?

1187
00:52:32,716 --> 00:52:35,304
Oh, my God.

1188
00:52:35,345 --> 00:52:37,349
I don't even know
where to begin.

1189
00:52:37,391 --> 00:52:39,020
Do you believe me now?

1190
00:52:39,061 --> 00:52:40,563
How can I not?

1191
00:52:40,565 --> 00:52:42,067
I mean, the coffin is eccentric

1192
00:52:42,109 --> 00:52:43,904
but explainable. Okay?

1193
00:52:43,946 --> 00:52:45,783
The, the glowing eyes, contacts,

1194
00:52:45,825 --> 00:52:47,996
the teeth, fake,
the shooting blood,

1195
00:52:48,038 --> 00:52:51,417
it's an odd lifestyle choice
but hey, it's Vegas.

1196
00:52:51,419 --> 00:52:54,885
But dude, you turned
into a bat, man.

1197
00:52:54,926 --> 00:52:56,928
A fucking bat!

1198
00:52:56,930 --> 00:52:59,936
Pete, I never tried
to hide this from you.

1199
00:52:59,978 --> 00:53:02,066
I know but
I thought you were, like,

1200
00:53:02,107 --> 00:53:04,445
method acting or trying
to find your own identity.

1201
00:53:04,487 --> 00:53:05,841
Never in a million years
that I'd think

1202
00:53:05,865 --> 00:53:06,992
this stuff is actually real.

1203
00:53:07,034 --> 00:53:08,786
I'm sorry.

1204
00:53:08,788 --> 00:53:10,956
Perhaps I should've made
this clear before we left.

1205
00:53:10,958 --> 00:53:13,672
Wait, so do you... do you just
go around biting people?

1206
00:53:13,714 --> 00:53:16,595
No, God, how barbaric.

1207
00:53:16,637 --> 00:53:19,100
I had to give that up
in the '80s.

1208
00:53:19,141 --> 00:53:21,730
I almost bit Freddy Mercury.

1209
00:53:21,772 --> 00:53:23,984
- Dude, that's a close call.
- I know.

1210
00:53:24,026 --> 00:53:27,992
But I do still need
to feast off of fresh blood.

1211
00:53:28,034 --> 00:53:29,716
But now I just get it
from a friend of mine

1212
00:53:29,746 --> 00:53:32,459
who works at the hospital.

1213
00:53:32,501 --> 00:53:34,004
Okay.
Wait, start from the beginning.

1214
00:53:34,046 --> 00:53:36,467
Okay. I need to know
everything, details.

1215
00:53:36,510 --> 00:53:38,177
Gladly.

1216
00:53:38,179 --> 00:53:40,014
Well, for starters,

1217
00:53:40,016 --> 00:53:43,856
my grandmother was the infamous
Elizabeth Bathory,

1218
00:53:43,858 --> 00:53:45,820
a Countess who believed

1219
00:53:45,862 --> 00:53:47,824
she could retain her youth
by drinking

1220
00:53:47,866 --> 00:53:50,580
and bathing in the blood
of young girls.

1221
00:53:50,621 --> 00:53:53,040
You see, at the time, the life
expectancy...

1222
00:53:53,042 --> 00:53:55,213
All clear. Everyone's gone

1223
00:53:55,255 --> 00:53:58,470
except for a, uh, couple
of chicks who wanna meet you.

1224
00:53:58,512 --> 00:53:59,598
Are they hot?

1225
00:53:59,639 --> 00:54:01,643
Ridiculously hot,

1226
00:54:01,685 --> 00:54:03,480
but not you.

1227
00:54:03,522 --> 00:54:04,608
Vamp.

1228
00:54:06,027 --> 00:54:08,070
I don't even care
about chicks right now, dude.

1229
00:54:08,072 --> 00:54:09,908
He just turned to a bat.
Did you see that shit?

1230
00:54:09,910 --> 00:54:11,914
Yeah, it's fine.
It's no Jeff Dunham.

1231
00:54:11,955 --> 00:54:13,667
And I got bats in the attic.

1232
00:54:16,757 --> 00:54:18,134
Have you seen Jeff Dunham?

1233
00:54:18,176 --> 00:54:20,556
His act is phenomenal.

1234
00:54:20,598 --> 00:54:22,100
Dude, I love Dunham.

1235
00:54:22,142 --> 00:54:23,771
But he didn't turn to a bat.

1236
00:54:23,812 --> 00:54:26,106
Dunham doesn't have a bat.

1237
00:54:26,108 --> 00:54:28,238
May I present to you

1238
00:54:28,279 --> 00:54:31,035
the exquisite Ms. Scarlett Drake

1239
00:54:31,077 --> 00:54:33,791
and Madame Darah.

1240
00:54:33,832 --> 00:54:37,047
If you'll excuse me,
I have to go mop up some puke.

1241
00:54:37,089 --> 00:54:38,592
Hi.

1242
00:54:38,634 --> 00:54:41,932
- Hey.
- Hi.

1243
00:54:41,974 --> 00:54:44,061
You were semi-funny.

1244
00:54:44,103 --> 00:54:45,940
You don't need to curse so much.

1245
00:54:45,982 --> 00:54:47,192
Appreciate the tip.

1246
00:54:48,612 --> 00:54:50,240
Pleasure to make
your acquaintances.

1247
00:54:50,282 --> 00:54:53,872
Ethan, you look
exactly the same.

1248
00:54:53,914 --> 00:54:56,878
I'm sorry, have we met?

1249
00:54:58,006 --> 00:55:00,174
- So...
- No.

1250
00:55:00,176 --> 00:55:02,345
Okay.

1251
00:55:02,347 --> 00:55:04,184
I'll just let you kids
get reacquainted

1252
00:55:04,226 --> 00:55:06,688
and I'm going to light
myself on fire.

1253
00:55:06,690 --> 00:55:08,736
I'll bring the matches.

1254
00:55:10,740 --> 00:55:12,827
Does this ring a bell?

1255
00:55:17,169 --> 00:55:19,089
Prague.

1256
00:55:19,131 --> 00:55:20,381
Chantel.

1257
00:55:20,383 --> 00:55:21,718
You were the model

1258
00:55:21,720 --> 00:55:23,724
for the Goddess Victoria statue.

1259
00:55:25,268 --> 00:55:26,938
Oh, my goodness.

1260
00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:34,244
How could I ever forget that?

1261
00:55:34,286 --> 00:55:35,748
I don't know.

1262
00:55:35,790 --> 00:55:37,835
I am enthralled
to see you again.

1263
00:55:39,046 --> 00:55:40,758
And I am loving your new name.

1264
00:55:42,302 --> 00:55:44,181
What are you doing here?

1265
00:55:46,018 --> 00:55:47,354
You see this shit?

1266
00:55:47,396 --> 00:55:49,106
I'm the headliner.

1267
00:55:49,108 --> 00:55:50,861
What's he got that I don't got?

1268
00:55:50,903 --> 00:55:52,990
Two women, apparently.

1269
00:55:54,159 --> 00:55:56,288
You trying to make it three?

1270
00:55:56,330 --> 00:55:57,917
Maybe.

1271
00:55:57,959 --> 00:55:59,294
Okay.

1272
00:56:01,006 --> 00:56:03,469
I podcast,
I'm a social media influencer,

1273
00:56:03,512 --> 00:56:05,473
I dabble in fashion.

1274
00:56:05,516 --> 00:56:07,812
Hot.

1275
00:56:09,816 --> 00:56:11,110
What's that smell?

1276
00:56:11,152 --> 00:56:13,782
Oh, perfect timing!

1277
00:56:13,824 --> 00:56:16,913
You know what?
We should take a group photo.

1278
00:56:16,955 --> 00:56:18,876
- Yes.
- Do you mind?

1279
00:56:20,504 --> 00:56:22,007
Sure.

1280
00:56:22,048 --> 00:56:24,094
Ladies.

1281
00:56:24,136 --> 00:56:26,140
Okay.

1282
00:56:26,182 --> 00:56:30,106
Closer, closer, work it.

1283
00:56:30,148 --> 00:56:32,444
You got to hit them angle.

1284
00:56:32,486 --> 00:56:35,366
Okay. Ready? And...

1285
00:56:42,339 --> 00:56:44,051
see you at the hotel, Ethan.

1286
00:56:44,092 --> 00:56:45,930
And, uh, I'll try to cut out

1287
00:56:45,971 --> 00:56:48,392
the fucking swear words
out of my fucking act.

1288
00:56:52,025 --> 00:56:54,112
He turned into a bat,

1289
00:56:54,154 --> 00:56:55,906
an actual bat.

1290
00:56:55,908 --> 00:56:57,576
I'm losing my freaking mind.

1291
00:56:57,578 --> 00:57:00,081
Between the early 1600s
mommy issues

1292
00:57:00,083 --> 00:57:02,418
and that coffin thing,
I mean, I've had my suspicions.

1293
00:57:02,420 --> 00:57:04,132
What?

1294
00:57:04,174 --> 00:57:05,926
And you never said anything?

1295
00:57:05,928 --> 00:57:07,574
Do you have any idea
how crazy that sounds?

1296
00:57:07,598 --> 00:57:09,432
I know, but at least you could
have told me something.

1297
00:57:09,434 --> 00:57:10,980
Now, this whole
thing's gonna blow up.

1298
00:57:11,021 --> 00:57:12,148
It's gonna be a shit show

1299
00:57:12,190 --> 00:57:14,027
and I don't know where I'm at.

1300
00:57:14,069 --> 00:57:16,490
Whoa, I wasn't aware
I was your vampire riddler.

1301
00:57:16,533 --> 00:57:18,620
- Okay.
- Vampire.

1302
00:57:23,045 --> 00:57:26,466
Honey, what are you looking at?

1303
00:57:26,468 --> 00:57:29,391
What? Oh, vampire research.

1304
00:57:29,433 --> 00:57:32,063
- Okay. And what do...
- Wow.

1305
00:57:32,105 --> 00:57:33,482
...you hope to accomplish?

1306
00:57:33,525 --> 00:57:35,529
I'm getting deep into vampire

1307
00:57:35,571 --> 00:57:38,660
lingerie...
Lore, lore, linge-lore.

1308
00:57:38,702 --> 00:57:40,539
Linge-lore. What?

1309
00:57:40,581 --> 00:57:43,668
Okay. Well, that's my time.

1310
00:57:43,670 --> 00:57:45,609
- You've been a great...
- No, no, no, don't hang up.

1311
00:57:45,633 --> 00:57:47,511
Come on, honey, no.

1312
00:57:47,553 --> 00:57:49,324
No, no, no,
you seem a little distracted

1313
00:57:49,348 --> 00:57:51,350
and I need to get
this shit off my face

1314
00:57:51,352 --> 00:57:53,397
- because it's starting to burn.
- No, I love you

1315
00:57:53,439 --> 00:57:54,668
- with shit on your face.
- Bye.

1316
00:57:54,692 --> 00:57:56,529
I love your shitty face.

1317
00:57:56,571 --> 00:57:58,617
Don't hang up.

1318
00:58:01,539 --> 00:58:04,169
Operation Fake Out complete.

1319
00:58:06,256 --> 00:58:08,010
Oh, my God.

1320
00:58:13,563 --> 00:58:14,607
Wait.

1321
00:58:16,318 --> 00:58:19,282
- Hmm?
- If we cross this threshold,

1322
00:58:19,324 --> 00:58:21,203
there's no going back.

1323
00:58:21,245 --> 00:58:22,581
Okay.

1324
00:58:29,261 --> 00:58:30,447
Hey, gang, it's Scarlett,

1325
00:58:30,471 --> 00:58:32,350
your favorite sexy podcaster.

1326
00:58:32,392 --> 00:58:34,354
Let's get back to Fia.

1327
00:58:34,396 --> 00:58:36,275
Lastly, Fia, before we go,

1328
00:58:36,316 --> 00:58:39,156
what are the pitfalls
of your gift as a medium?

1329
00:58:39,197 --> 00:58:42,078
Yeah. That's a good choice,
a good one.

1330
00:58:42,120 --> 00:58:45,460
As a medium, I have to always
deliver the messages.

1331
00:58:45,501 --> 00:58:48,130
Sometimes it's very tough
for people

1332
00:58:48,132 --> 00:58:51,180
to hear those messages
from their loved one.

1333
00:58:51,221 --> 00:58:52,639
Thank you, Fia, so much...

1334
00:58:52,641 --> 00:58:55,522
Wait. Do you hear me?

1335
00:58:55,564 --> 00:58:57,442
I have always heard you.

1336
00:58:57,484 --> 00:58:59,237
No.

1337
00:58:59,279 --> 00:59:03,538
You can reach me
on avid@voice.com.

1338
00:59:03,580 --> 00:59:06,502
This is Scarlett Drake.

1339
00:59:06,544 --> 00:59:09,257
He is really trolling you.

1340
00:59:09,299 --> 00:59:11,596
What a surprise.

1341
00:59:11,638 --> 00:59:13,683
Let's have some fun with him.

1342
00:59:13,725 --> 00:59:15,852
Yes.

1343
00:59:30,592 --> 00:59:33,264
Oh, Pete, you're missing out!

1344
00:59:36,646 --> 00:59:38,775
Fuck.-

1345
00:59:44,620 --> 00:59:47,333
Oh, fuck!

1346
00:59:52,553 --> 00:59:56,811
- Oh, God!
- Vampire. Vampire. Vampire.

1347
00:59:56,853 --> 00:59:59,272
Are they saying
"Let's go play" in there?

1348
00:59:59,274 --> 01:00:01,236
Oh, God, yes!

1349
01:00:01,278 --> 01:00:04,783
Oh, yeah, harder! Oh!

1350
01:00:04,785 --> 01:00:06,748
Fuck!

1351
01:00:09,587 --> 01:00:11,883
I'm the headliner!

1352
01:00:19,397 --> 01:00:22,947
You owe me, Ethan!

1353
01:00:37,350 --> 01:00:38,728
Come on.

1354
01:00:38,770 --> 01:00:40,356
For old times' sake.

1355
01:00:40,398 --> 01:00:42,903
Bite me, Ethan, please.

1356
01:00:42,945 --> 01:00:44,824
I want you to.

1357
01:01:17,598 --> 01:01:18,808
Can I come in?

1358
01:01:18,850 --> 01:01:20,100
No!

1359
01:01:20,102 --> 01:01:21,438
Good morning, sir.

1360
01:01:21,480 --> 01:01:22,939
Jesus.

1361
01:01:22,941 --> 01:01:24,779
You got to stop doing that shit.

1362
01:01:24,820 --> 01:01:27,576
I'm sorry. I thought
since now that you knew

1363
01:01:27,618 --> 01:01:29,622
I could... be myself.

1364
01:01:32,085 --> 01:01:33,546
Good job last night.

1365
01:01:33,588 --> 01:01:34,965
You're viral.

1366
01:01:35,007 --> 01:01:36,967
Thank you, Pete.

1367
01:01:36,969 --> 01:01:38,640
God, it felt good.

1368
01:01:38,681 --> 01:01:40,142
I just did what you said.

1369
01:01:40,184 --> 01:01:43,482
And I was really myself
up there.

1370
01:01:43,525 --> 01:01:46,029
Where are your
little girlfriends at now?

1371
01:01:46,071 --> 01:01:47,533
They've left.

1372
01:01:49,160 --> 01:01:52,666
Sad. Seems like they have
a really good way with words

1373
01:01:52,668 --> 01:01:54,168
and they got great personalities

1374
01:01:54,170 --> 01:01:56,551
and probably amazing
business acumen.

1375
01:01:56,592 --> 01:01:58,470
Yes. Well,

1376
01:01:58,513 --> 01:02:01,936
let's just say I remember
why I'd forgotten.

1377
01:02:01,978 --> 01:02:04,149
Then why did you just
have a fucking fuck fest

1378
01:02:04,190 --> 01:02:05,443
all night, dude?

1379
01:02:08,533 --> 01:02:11,871
Probably for the same
reasons we go to open mics,

1380
01:02:11,873 --> 01:02:13,960
to try new things.

1381
01:02:14,002 --> 01:02:16,883
How about you bite me?

1382
01:02:16,924 --> 01:02:18,845
Would you ever consider that?

1383
01:02:18,887 --> 01:02:20,473
I wanna try new things.

1384
01:02:20,515 --> 01:02:22,644
I would never bite you, Pete.

1385
01:02:23,646 --> 01:02:25,525
Scared of competition?

1386
01:02:29,282 --> 01:02:30,744
Competition?

1387
01:02:30,785 --> 01:02:33,246
Pete, I'm already up 2-0.

1388
01:02:51,201 --> 01:02:52,913
They say, what do men do know

1389
01:02:52,955 --> 01:02:54,750
sweatpants
for guys,

1390
01:02:54,792 --> 01:02:56,796
they put writing
on the front, you know?

1391
01:02:56,837 --> 01:02:58,633
It just said, "dinner,"

1392
01:03:01,681 --> 01:03:03,267
"the other white meat."

1393
01:03:08,110 --> 01:03:09,655
I got to go.

1394
01:03:09,697 --> 01:03:12,659
Oh, oh. Dude, you're amazing.

1395
01:03:12,661 --> 01:03:14,163
- Me?
- Yeah.

1396
01:03:14,205 --> 01:03:15,959
Mr. Top, I'm such a fan.

1397
01:03:16,001 --> 01:03:17,295
Thanks. Carrot.

1398
01:03:17,336 --> 01:03:18,840
Just Scott,
actually that was weird.

1399
01:03:18,881 --> 01:03:21,177
Scott,
the pleasure was all mine.

1400
01:03:21,219 --> 01:03:23,098
If you need a headliner, dude,

1401
01:03:23,140 --> 01:03:25,812
I'm right here six nights a week
at the Luxor,

1402
01:03:25,854 --> 01:03:27,899
great gig, every night,
boom, in and out,

1403
01:03:27,941 --> 01:03:29,903
sleep in your own bed,
somebody else's bed,

1404
01:03:29,945 --> 01:03:31,991
but you're here in town,
it's great, seriously.

1405
01:03:32,033 --> 01:03:33,868
Then mull it over,
think about it.

1406
01:03:33,870 --> 01:03:36,834
It's tempting. Do you have
a card that I can maybe...

1407
01:03:36,876 --> 01:03:38,880
A card? No, I don't think
comics carry cards.

1408
01:03:38,921 --> 01:03:41,719
Do you have a card?
That'd be weird.

1409
01:03:41,761 --> 01:03:42,947
Uh, DM,
is that what they call it?

1410
01:03:42,971 --> 01:03:44,388
- Direct messaging.
- Yeah.

1411
01:03:44,390 --> 01:03:45,703
I'll give you mine,
you give me yours,

1412
01:03:45,727 --> 01:03:46,979
and you'll direct me back.

1413
01:03:47,021 --> 01:03:48,229
I'll follow you back.

1414
01:03:48,231 --> 01:03:49,902
Okay. We'll see.

1415
01:03:49,943 --> 01:03:52,239
Uh, I know
there's people ask you,

1416
01:03:52,281 --> 01:03:56,747
could you show me
that... the fire thumb?

1417
01:03:56,749 --> 01:03:58,878
Please, I won't share it
with anybody, I promise.

1418
01:03:58,920 --> 01:04:00,733
I... I don't have any friends
to share it with.

1419
01:04:00,757 --> 01:04:03,680
So, just... what the fuck?

1420
01:04:04,848 --> 01:04:06,727
It's really about timing.

1421
01:04:06,769 --> 01:04:08,313
I once jerked off lefty

1422
01:04:08,355 --> 01:04:09,940
and nearly burned
the entire thing off.

1423
01:04:09,942 --> 01:04:11,194
It's kinda hot.

1424
01:04:11,236 --> 01:04:12,823
Do you wanna touch it?
The thumb.

1425
01:04:12,864 --> 01:04:15,369
That was my... do, do, do.
Uh-hmm, uh-hmm.

1426
01:04:15,411 --> 01:04:17,956
- There we go.
- Jesus.

1427
01:04:17,958 --> 01:04:20,212
How the... how the fuck did...

1428
01:04:21,507 --> 01:04:23,970
Well, as we know,
magic isn't real.

1429
01:04:24,011 --> 01:04:26,015
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

1430
01:04:27,143 --> 01:04:29,478
Does the Carrot
match the drapes?

1431
01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:31,484
- I have no drapes.
- Ah.

1432
01:04:31,527 --> 01:04:33,155
Oh, yeah, too much information,
probably.

1433
01:04:33,196 --> 01:04:34,823
- Stained glass windows. Okay.
- Yeah.

1434
01:04:34,825 --> 01:04:36,327
You shared with me,
I share with you.

1435
01:04:36,369 --> 01:04:38,099
- Well, you look fantastic.
- Thank you. Thank you.

1436
01:04:38,123 --> 01:04:39,331
It's the lighting.
Hey, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go,

1437
01:04:39,333 --> 01:04:41,002
but, uh, thanks for chatting

1438
01:04:41,004 --> 01:04:42,482
and thanks for showing me
the, uh, thing.

1439
01:04:42,507 --> 01:04:44,762
- Sure.
- You're... dude, you're awesome.

1440
01:04:44,803 --> 01:04:47,014
- Thanks.
- You're awesome. DM me, fucker.

1441
01:04:47,016 --> 01:04:50,022
- I got you.
- Don't not fucking DM me.

1442
01:04:50,063 --> 01:04:51,483
I'm not going to DM.

1443
01:05:07,891 --> 01:05:10,020
If any of you ladies
would like to buy me

1444
01:05:10,062 --> 01:05:11,524
a drink after the show,

1445
01:05:11,565 --> 01:05:14,822
I'll have a Bloody Mary.
Hold the Mary.

1446
01:05:17,493 --> 01:05:21,167
Thank you.
You all have been incredible.

1447
01:05:24,591 --> 01:05:26,469
Now, if you would,

1448
01:05:26,512 --> 01:05:28,599
please keep that round
of applause going

1449
01:05:28,641 --> 01:05:32,189
for the man who taught me
everything I know about comedy.

1450
01:05:32,231 --> 01:05:33,607
Mr. Pete Brennan.

1451
01:05:37,993 --> 01:05:40,957
Thank you. Woo.

1452
01:05:40,999 --> 01:05:44,297
Thank you for that warm
round of indifference.

1453
01:05:46,301 --> 01:05:49,348
How about one more time
for Ethan Barr, huh?

1454
01:05:51,477 --> 01:05:55,485
The love child
of Bella and Nosferatu.

1455
01:05:55,528 --> 01:05:58,283
- Nosferatu.
- Nosferatu.

1456
01:05:58,325 --> 01:06:01,329
You've been around that long?
You know? Okay.

1457
01:06:01,331 --> 01:06:04,170
You know what they say,
we needs more dildos. Wow.

1458
01:06:04,211 --> 01:06:06,926
No wonder why they're trying
to ban straws. Jesus Christ.

1459
01:06:06,967 --> 01:06:08,689
These fish are gonna end up
with porn stars.

1460
01:06:08,721 --> 01:06:11,434
My God. I don't know
if you guys know this,

1461
01:06:11,476 --> 01:06:13,707
because they say it's good luck
for one of the bridesmaids

1462
01:06:13,731 --> 01:06:15,691
to sleep with the comedian
right after

1463
01:06:15,693 --> 01:06:17,948
the bachelorette party.
I'm just saying.

1464
01:06:17,989 --> 01:06:20,367
Any of them putas
will do you.

1465
01:06:20,369 --> 01:06:21,956
What... what was that, sir?

1466
01:06:21,997 --> 01:06:23,960
They're all a bunch
of dirty sluts.

1467
01:06:24,001 --> 01:06:25,377
- Look at 'em.
- All right, Dozer.

1468
01:06:25,379 --> 01:06:26,966
It's time to go. Come on.

1469
01:06:27,007 --> 01:06:28,235
Sir, aren't you late
for your job

1470
01:06:28,259 --> 01:06:31,140
at the truck stop glory hole?

1471
01:06:31,182 --> 01:06:33,226
He's just pissed
'cause he got himself

1472
01:06:33,228 --> 01:06:34,606
- a little 'ol dick.
- Ooh.

1473
01:06:34,648 --> 01:06:37,152
Wait. Oh, ladies. Wait.

1474
01:06:37,194 --> 01:06:39,007
What don't you guys share that
with the crowd, what?

1475
01:06:39,031 --> 01:06:41,202
Well, there's not that much
to share.

1476
01:06:41,244 --> 01:06:43,415
Hold on. So you're saying

1477
01:06:43,456 --> 01:06:45,419
that his pee-pee...

1478
01:06:48,801 --> 01:06:51,598
All right, Dozer.
It's time to go. Come on.

1479
01:06:53,435 --> 01:06:54,664
Did you see what that puta
just said to me?

1480
01:06:54,688 --> 01:06:56,608
That shit ain't true.

1481
01:06:56,650 --> 01:06:58,319
Well, maybe so,
but you got to go.

1482
01:06:58,361 --> 01:06:59,698
It's every week.

1483
01:06:59,740 --> 01:07:01,451
It's the same damn thing
with you, man.

1484
01:07:03,163 --> 01:07:04,123
Sir, I don't know
why you're upset.

1485
01:07:04,165 --> 01:07:05,791
Don't get all hung up over this.

1486
01:07:05,793 --> 01:07:07,630
Oops. I said hung,

1487
01:07:07,672 --> 01:07:09,425
but I guess we all know
that's not the case.

1488
01:07:09,467 --> 01:07:11,345
You're fucking dead, funny man.

1489
01:07:11,387 --> 01:07:14,141
Oh, okay. Well, I'm dead,
but you're gone. So...

1490
01:07:22,493 --> 01:07:24,246
I'm gonna count to three.

1491
01:07:25,207 --> 01:07:27,629
Three, two...

1492
01:07:27,670 --> 01:07:29,171
Please don't do this.

1493
01:07:29,173 --> 01:07:30,593
Whoa.

1494
01:07:33,348 --> 01:07:34,601
That was a warning.

1495
01:07:36,855 --> 01:07:38,526
You missed.

1496
01:07:42,282 --> 01:07:43,619
Ha!

1497
01:08:24,618 --> 01:08:26,955
You guys better get out of here
and get out of here fast!

1498
01:08:26,997 --> 01:08:30,420
He's dead.
What about the cops?

1499
01:08:30,462 --> 01:08:32,550
Cops? Ain't gonna be
no cops, man.

1500
01:08:32,592 --> 01:08:35,430
This guy had it comin'.
Besides, who's gonna miss him?

1501
01:08:35,472 --> 01:08:38,269
It was self-defense, Dale.
You saw it.

1502
01:08:38,311 --> 01:08:40,440
I saw the whole doggone thing.

1503
01:08:40,482 --> 01:08:42,779
You guys wouldn't even hear it,
you're ghosts man.

1504
01:08:42,820 --> 01:08:44,622
Let me get a few of the guys
to come down here

1505
01:08:44,658 --> 01:08:46,578
and clean this mess up now.

1506
01:08:46,620 --> 01:08:48,414
You won't have to.

1507
01:08:52,339 --> 01:08:53,717
Are you bringing him back?

1508
01:08:53,759 --> 01:08:55,387
As if.

1509
01:09:08,831 --> 01:09:10,835
Do you have a leaf-blower?

1510
01:09:19,853 --> 01:09:22,063
I'll take that as a no.

1511
01:09:22,065 --> 01:09:23,944
We should go.

1512
01:10:10,746 --> 01:10:12,998
Bro, you...

1513
01:10:13,000 --> 01:10:14,879
you killed a guy.

1514
01:10:14,921 --> 01:10:16,048
I know.

1515
01:10:17,467 --> 01:10:18,679
And I'm sorry.

1516
01:10:20,223 --> 01:10:22,852
And drank his blood.

1517
01:10:22,854 --> 01:10:24,858
Again, I'm sorry
you had to see that.

1518
01:10:28,949 --> 01:10:31,705
Then you asked
for a leaf-blower?

1519
01:10:31,746 --> 01:10:34,001
What the hell? It's crazy.

1520
01:10:34,042 --> 01:10:36,172
Not... not... not because
he's Mexican.

1521
01:10:36,213 --> 01:10:38,009
The ash.

1522
01:10:38,050 --> 01:10:40,052
That's funny.

1523
01:10:40,054 --> 01:10:41,933
That's... that's... yeah, okay.

1524
01:10:41,975 --> 01:10:43,812
That's... that's good.
You can use that.

1525
01:10:45,566 --> 01:10:47,194
It's good instinct.

1526
01:10:47,235 --> 01:10:49,072
I learned from the best.

1527
01:10:50,743 --> 01:10:52,245
Thanks.

1528
01:10:52,287 --> 01:10:53,749
Wait a minute, can...

1529
01:10:55,084 --> 01:10:57,253
I got... I got
to ask you something.

1530
01:10:57,255 --> 01:10:59,552
- Of course. Anything.
- Okay.

1531
01:10:59,594 --> 01:11:02,096
I thought the rule was
if you got bit by a vampire,

1532
01:11:02,098 --> 01:11:03,936
then you turn into a vampire?

1533
01:11:03,977 --> 01:11:05,604
Not necessarily.

1534
01:11:05,606 --> 01:11:08,570
It's... it's quite complicated,
really.

1535
01:11:08,612 --> 01:11:11,950
But... I suppose
the short version

1536
01:11:11,952 --> 01:11:14,916
is that you could choose.

1537
01:11:14,958 --> 01:11:18,047
You can either turn someone
or you can let them die.

1538
01:11:20,761 --> 01:11:21,930
Let them die?

1539
01:11:21,972 --> 01:11:23,809
You disintegrated that guy.

1540
01:11:23,850 --> 01:11:25,813
Yeah.

1541
01:11:25,854 --> 01:11:27,274
He was an asshole.

1542
01:11:30,154 --> 01:11:34,162
Okay. Hypothetically speaking,
if you bit me,

1543
01:11:36,125 --> 01:11:37,837
could you choose
to make me immortal?

1544
01:11:43,014 --> 01:11:45,686
Hypothetically, yes.

1545
01:11:46,688 --> 01:11:49,692
But as I've told you,
I would never do that.

1546
01:11:49,694 --> 01:11:51,361
Well, hold on, dude,
we're not done.

1547
01:11:51,363 --> 01:11:53,242
- I told you.
- Why? We got to talk.

1548
01:11:53,284 --> 01:11:56,081
I did... hold on.

1549
01:12:00,089 --> 01:12:01,383
What if I wanted you to?

1550
01:12:01,425 --> 01:12:04,220
You don't. Trust me.

1551
01:12:04,222 --> 01:12:05,851
Why not?

1552
01:12:05,893 --> 01:12:07,688
What do I have to lose?

1553
01:12:07,730 --> 01:12:09,817
My career's nowhere. I'm broke.

1554
01:12:09,859 --> 01:12:11,738
I'm on the wrong side of 40.

1555
01:12:11,780 --> 01:12:13,405
What do I have left,

1556
01:12:13,407 --> 01:12:15,621
20 or 30 years tops?

1557
01:12:16,706 --> 01:12:17,917
I want more time.

1558
01:12:17,958 --> 01:12:20,964
Immortality is not that simple.

1559
01:12:21,006 --> 01:12:22,927
I mean, do you have any idea
what it's like

1560
01:12:22,968 --> 01:12:25,348
to be emotionally dead inside?

1561
01:12:25,390 --> 01:12:29,189
Have you met me?
I'm a comedian.

1562
01:12:29,231 --> 01:12:31,778
No. You see that right there,
shows you don't.

1563
01:12:31,820 --> 01:12:36,203
I mean, you are cloaked
in apathy and bitterness.

1564
01:12:38,124 --> 01:12:39,251
Thank you?

1565
01:12:40,253 --> 01:12:42,090
It's not a compliment.

1566
01:12:42,132 --> 01:12:43,800
You might not like
the way you feel,

1567
01:12:43,802 --> 01:12:47,306
but the fact is,
you do still feel.

1568
01:12:47,308 --> 01:12:49,897
And if you truly hated
your life so much,

1569
01:12:49,939 --> 01:12:52,820
why on earth would you want it
to continue?

1570
01:12:57,454 --> 01:12:58,999
'Cause I'm a nobody.

1571
01:13:01,295 --> 01:13:03,090
I'm just an old road bum.

1572
01:13:04,927 --> 01:13:06,846
Just played dive bars
and bowling alleys

1573
01:13:06,848 --> 01:13:08,058
my whole life.

1574
01:13:10,062 --> 01:13:11,398
Never got the shot.

1575
01:13:14,530 --> 01:13:16,532
But with this,

1576
01:13:16,534 --> 01:13:18,955
I can have more time.

1577
01:13:18,997 --> 01:13:21,376
Ethan, please.

1578
01:13:21,418 --> 01:13:23,757
I'm asking you as a friend.

1579
01:13:26,386 --> 01:13:28,057
Please bite me.

1580
01:13:34,946 --> 01:13:39,287
With all due respect, no.

1581
01:13:39,329 --> 01:13:40,456
Why?

1582
01:13:41,584 --> 01:13:44,214
Because nothing changes, Pete.

1583
01:13:44,256 --> 01:13:48,013
I'm still the same
naive boy I was in 1613.

1584
01:13:48,055 --> 01:13:50,351
Yes, I've... I've adapted
to my surroundings,

1585
01:13:50,393 --> 01:13:52,438
sure, because I've had to.

1586
01:13:52,480 --> 01:13:54,610
But I haven't changed.

1587
01:13:54,652 --> 01:13:56,990
Nobody does.

1588
01:13:57,031 --> 01:13:59,202
What makes you think
you'd be any different?

1589
01:14:00,622 --> 01:14:04,294
I don't know.
But why not try?

1590
01:14:04,296 --> 01:14:07,133
Because there's no going back.

1591
01:14:07,135 --> 01:14:09,097
You will taste death.

1592
01:14:09,139 --> 01:14:13,105
Or... or appreciate its worth.

1593
01:14:13,147 --> 01:14:15,484
You'll only lose yourself
in an infinite loop

1594
01:14:15,527 --> 01:14:18,909
while you watch
everyone around you die.

1595
01:14:20,161 --> 01:14:21,413
Is that what you want?

1596
01:14:23,500 --> 01:14:24,629
Is it?

1597
01:14:27,551 --> 01:14:29,179
Maybe that's already happened.

1598
01:14:32,352 --> 01:14:34,230
Oh, has it?

1599
01:14:34,272 --> 01:14:36,193
Mr. Comic's Comic?

1600
01:14:37,403 --> 01:14:40,533
You're the one
playing lonely road dog,

1601
01:14:40,535 --> 01:14:42,497
pretending you're above
loving anyone else

1602
01:14:42,539 --> 01:14:44,669
above yourself,

1603
01:14:44,710 --> 01:14:48,677
or God worse than loving you.

1604
01:14:50,471 --> 01:14:52,308
It's not fair
to the very few people

1605
01:14:52,350 --> 01:14:54,145
who do give a shit,

1606
01:14:54,187 --> 01:14:56,274
especially Stephanie.

1607
01:14:56,316 --> 01:15:00,324
This has nothing to do
with Steph, okay?

1608
01:15:00,366 --> 01:15:02,997
You know, you really are
an ungrateful prick.

1609
01:15:04,165 --> 01:15:08,007
She sticks by you,
no questions asked,

1610
01:15:08,048 --> 01:15:09,569
and you're willing
to let that fade away

1611
01:15:09,593 --> 01:15:13,643
like everyone else
simply because what?

1612
01:15:13,685 --> 01:15:16,607
You feel the time that
you do have left isn't enough?

1613
01:15:18,611 --> 01:15:20,532
Now, who's playing the victim?

1614
01:15:24,456 --> 01:15:26,168
She knows
what she signed up for.

1615
01:15:30,342 --> 01:15:32,723
She knows that
there's only one person

1616
01:15:32,765 --> 01:15:35,604
that I ever loved
unconditionally.

1617
01:15:42,366 --> 01:15:44,327
Who I watched die.

1618
01:15:56,854 --> 01:15:58,608
He didn't have
the luxury of time.

1619
01:16:02,699 --> 01:16:05,204
He died
without ever understanding

1620
01:16:05,246 --> 01:16:07,416
the benefits of it

1621
01:16:07,458 --> 01:16:08,837
or the value of it.

1622
01:16:12,343 --> 01:16:13,428
You know why?

1623
01:16:14,723 --> 01:16:17,604
Because eight year olds
usually don't.

1624
01:16:26,371 --> 01:16:30,254
You... you had a child?

1625
01:16:31,423 --> 01:16:32,509
Yeah.

1626
01:16:34,262 --> 01:16:35,431
I had a son.

1627
01:16:42,988 --> 01:16:46,785
The universe took care
of that real quick.

1628
01:16:46,787 --> 01:16:51,631
So, don't lecture me
on the value of time, okay?

1629
01:16:53,760 --> 01:16:55,805
Because you have no fucking clue

1630
01:16:55,847 --> 01:16:59,939
what you're talking about, kid.

1631
01:17:01,776 --> 01:17:03,863
Pete, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

1632
01:17:04,823 --> 01:17:06,201
Now, you do.

1633
01:17:13,925 --> 01:17:15,804
I'm still not going to bite you.

1634
01:17:18,350 --> 01:17:20,647
I don't want you
to bite me anymore.

1635
01:17:20,689 --> 01:17:22,400
Pussy.

1636
01:17:22,441 --> 01:17:23,861
You forgot your shit.

1637
01:17:31,001 --> 01:17:33,044
Hey, Pete.
It's your favorite manager.

1638
01:17:33,046 --> 01:17:35,009
You got to give me a call
when you got a chance.

1639
01:17:35,050 --> 01:17:38,516
I got bad news on the
Russell Peters club.

1640
01:17:43,735 --> 01:17:45,487
Chuck, you fucking slimy snake,

1641
01:17:45,530 --> 01:17:48,745
10% piece of fucking horseshit.

1642
01:17:48,786 --> 01:17:50,540
Hey, ass-nugget.

1643
01:17:50,582 --> 01:17:51,959
They wanted your protege,
not you.

1644
01:17:52,001 --> 01:17:53,378
What does it even matter, dude?

1645
01:17:53,420 --> 01:17:54,380
It's a fucking warm-up spot.

1646
01:17:54,422 --> 01:17:55,757
A baby could do it.

1647
01:17:55,759 --> 01:17:57,763
Russell's never
gonna go for this.

1648
01:17:57,804 --> 01:17:59,767
Charlie, it's out of my control.

1649
01:17:59,808 --> 01:18:01,520
Look, you still get
to open the show,

1650
01:18:01,562 --> 01:18:03,041
but instead of Russell,
you bring up Ethan,

1651
01:18:03,065 --> 01:18:04,775
and Ethan brings up Russell.

1652
01:18:04,777 --> 01:18:06,572
That's messed up, man.

1653
01:18:06,614 --> 01:18:08,114
See? He even gets it.

1654
01:18:08,116 --> 01:18:10,538
And he's not even finished
Rosetta Stone yet.

1655
01:18:10,580 --> 01:18:11,874
Fuck you, Chuck!

1656
01:18:11,916 --> 01:18:13,518
You know he killed a guy
the other night?

1657
01:18:13,544 --> 01:18:15,128
Oh, nice.
Did you film that too?

1658
01:18:15,130 --> 01:18:17,385
With his teeth. Fang.

1659
01:18:18,805 --> 01:18:20,640
Listen, ass-munch.

1660
01:18:20,642 --> 01:18:22,524
I don't know what the fuck
is going on with you.

1661
01:18:22,562 --> 01:18:24,858
This is bullshit, Chuck.
It's not right.

1662
01:18:24,900 --> 01:18:26,152
What did I tell you

1663
01:18:26,194 --> 01:18:27,154
when we first started
this business?

1664
01:18:27,196 --> 01:18:28,823
Okay, nothing is fair.

1665
01:18:28,825 --> 01:18:31,956
And you can't take
anything personally.

1666
01:18:34,837 --> 01:18:36,632
Heck. Are we good?

1667
01:18:36,674 --> 01:18:39,011
No. We're far from good.

1668
01:18:39,053 --> 01:18:41,141
Heegan, finish him!

1669
01:18:43,228 --> 01:18:44,731
Wow.

1670
01:18:46,025 --> 01:18:49,531
Pete, this place is incredible.

1671
01:18:49,533 --> 01:18:50,577
Thanks.

1672
01:18:50,618 --> 01:18:51,954
It was once featured on

1673
01:18:51,996 --> 01:18:54,626
Lifestyles of the Broke
and Anonymous,

1674
01:18:54,668 --> 01:18:58,216
where caviar dreams don't exist.

1675
01:18:58,258 --> 01:19:03,561
Hmm, you jest,
but I find it quite chic.

1676
01:19:06,901 --> 01:19:09,197
How are you feeling?

1677
01:19:09,238 --> 01:19:10,825
Honestly,
I haven't been this nervous

1678
01:19:10,867 --> 01:19:14,123
since the Anti-Habsburg
Uprising.

1679
01:19:14,165 --> 01:19:15,752
I wouldn't open with that.

1680
01:19:17,087 --> 01:19:19,050
No, of course not.

1681
01:19:20,929 --> 01:19:23,599
Look, you're nervous.

1682
01:19:23,601 --> 01:19:25,101
It's totally normal
to be nervous.

1683
01:19:25,103 --> 01:19:27,274
It's... anybody would be.

1684
01:19:27,316 --> 01:19:29,028
No, of course.

1685
01:19:31,867 --> 01:19:33,119
How are you?

1686
01:19:34,748 --> 01:19:38,631
Fuck, no.
I'm dead inside, remember?

1687
01:19:40,300 --> 01:19:42,889
But for you, it's more normal.

1688
01:19:44,977 --> 01:19:47,231
Wait, what?

1689
01:19:47,273 --> 01:19:50,905
I remember not long ago
when you were vampsplaining

1690
01:19:50,947 --> 01:19:54,287
how immortality
is a hollowed existence.

1691
01:19:54,328 --> 01:19:59,130
But here you are filled
to the brim with emotion.

1692
01:20:01,009 --> 01:20:04,181
It's quite a paradox,

1693
01:20:05,935 --> 01:20:07,606
isn't it, Clarice?

1694
01:20:08,899 --> 01:20:11,112
What's the matter?

1695
01:20:11,154 --> 01:20:12,574
Bat have your tongue?

1696
01:20:18,084 --> 01:20:20,045
Our ride is here.

1697
01:20:20,047 --> 01:20:23,136
That makes me so happy.

1698
01:20:23,178 --> 01:20:24,138
You?

1699
01:20:24,180 --> 01:20:25,850
I don't sound like that.

1700
01:20:27,186 --> 01:20:28,146
I know.

1701
01:20:28,188 --> 01:20:29,775
That was Anthony Hopkins

1702
01:20:29,816 --> 01:20:31,578
but you kind of are
in the same neighborhood.

1703
01:20:31,904 --> 01:20:34,073
Let's go make a memory, cuh.

1704
01:20:42,842 --> 01:20:47,265
Holy shit. Ethan,

1705
01:20:47,267 --> 01:20:48,938
you're big time!

1706
01:20:48,979 --> 01:20:50,315
Oh, yeah. He's huge.

1707
01:20:50,357 --> 01:20:51,775
That's why he's riding "bitch,"

1708
01:20:51,777 --> 01:20:53,154
in the backseat,
of this shitbox.

1709
01:20:53,196 --> 01:20:54,781
Hey, whoa.

1710
01:20:54,783 --> 01:20:56,136
At least, Roy doesn't have
a boot on his car

1711
01:20:56,160 --> 01:20:58,248
from unpaid fines.

1712
01:20:58,289 --> 01:21:00,043
And I will see them in court

1713
01:21:00,085 --> 01:21:02,107
because those signs were clearly
not marked handicapped.

1714
01:21:02,131 --> 01:21:06,180
All right. Kids,
kids, kids, that'll be $37.50.

1715
01:21:06,222 --> 01:21:09,019
I accept cash, hash, or gash.

1716
01:21:09,061 --> 01:21:11,232
- No one rides for free.
- Okay.

1717
01:21:11,274 --> 01:21:12,819
Maybe you can, uh, deduct it

1718
01:21:12,861 --> 01:21:14,196
from the ten years
of comp tickets

1719
01:21:14,238 --> 01:21:15,488
that Pete's got you.

1720
01:21:15,490 --> 01:21:17,119
What about you, Steph?

1721
01:21:17,161 --> 01:21:20,041
Uh, obviously,
the girlfriend discount.

1722
01:21:20,083 --> 01:21:22,254
So, you mean girlfriend's
"dicks-count."

1723
01:21:22,296 --> 01:21:23,799
Oh.

1724
01:21:23,841 --> 01:21:25,469
If anyone's dicks count,
it would be her.

1725
01:21:25,511 --> 01:21:27,766
Oh, God.

1726
01:21:27,807 --> 01:21:30,980
Apparently, Roy's jokes even
need to be marked handicapped.

1727
01:21:31,022 --> 01:21:33,109
I'm getting
heckled by Ethan.

1728
01:21:33,151 --> 01:21:35,405
It's not bad.

1729
01:21:35,447 --> 01:21:37,367
Hey.

1730
01:21:37,409 --> 01:21:40,040
I want you to know
how proud I am of you.

1731
01:21:40,081 --> 01:21:41,459
For what?

1732
01:21:48,473 --> 01:21:50,058
Really?

1733
01:21:50,060 --> 01:21:51,522
It's my ride.

1734
01:21:51,563 --> 01:21:52,899
Not anymore.

1735
01:21:55,070 --> 01:21:58,953
- Thank you, Roy.
- It's my car. My car.

1736
01:21:58,994 --> 01:22:02,917
Honey, you know, before a show
I'd only tell you maybe save it.

1737
01:22:02,919 --> 01:22:04,840
Be caressed like this?

1738
01:22:04,881 --> 01:22:06,133
- No, I just...
- Like this?

1739
01:22:06,175 --> 01:22:08,471
It's a prize fighter.

1740
01:22:08,514 --> 01:22:11,394
Really? Be serious for a second.

1741
01:22:11,435 --> 01:22:13,356
What you did
showed a lot of class.

1742
01:22:15,945 --> 01:22:17,447
Or stupidity?

1743
01:22:18,366 --> 01:22:21,540
I don't know, maybe a friendly
combination of both.

1744
01:22:23,126 --> 01:22:24,880
You're gonna do great tonight.

1745
01:22:24,921 --> 01:22:26,382
You are great.

1746
01:22:29,471 --> 01:22:30,975
I love you too.

1747
01:22:36,444 --> 01:22:38,197
Why are you so good to me?

1748
01:22:40,243 --> 01:22:42,329
Because you deserve it.

1749
01:22:42,331 --> 01:22:43,542
Sometimes, you know?

1750
01:22:46,297 --> 01:22:49,094
Now, get out there
and be Pete Fuckin' Brennan!

1751
01:22:49,136 --> 01:22:50,347
It's an order.

1752
01:22:51,642 --> 01:22:53,186
Somebody's gotta do it.

1753
01:22:54,355 --> 01:22:55,942
Yeah!

1754
01:23:03,331 --> 01:23:04,476
- Heegan.
- What's up?

1755
01:23:04,500 --> 01:23:06,128
You wanna learn how to DJ?

1756
01:23:06,170 --> 01:23:08,550
Well, please show me,
I will do, do amazing.

1757
01:23:08,592 --> 01:23:10,345
You teach me jujitsu,

1758
01:23:10,387 --> 01:23:12,057
I'll teach you
how to cut and scratch.

1759
01:23:12,099 --> 01:23:14,980
Well, it's a good trade.
I'm in. Let's go.

1760
01:23:33,726 --> 01:23:35,103
You blowing a ghost?

1761
01:23:35,145 --> 01:23:37,190
Holy shit bro!

1762
01:23:37,232 --> 01:23:39,445
You can't sneak up
on a guy mid-chew.

1763
01:23:39,486 --> 01:23:41,658
When did you start
eating vegetables?

1764
01:23:43,119 --> 01:23:44,329
I read this interview

1765
01:23:44,371 --> 01:23:46,459
with Peter North
who's a porn star.

1766
01:23:46,500 --> 01:23:48,589
He said, celery is the key

1767
01:23:48,630 --> 01:23:51,634
to a robust
and meaty money shot.

1768
01:23:51,636 --> 01:23:53,515
And at my age,
I need all the help I can get.

1769
01:23:53,557 --> 01:23:57,481
I have a tough enough time
clearing my own thumbs.

1770
01:23:57,523 --> 01:24:00,318
You also have a tough
enough time clearing my checks.

1771
01:24:00,320 --> 01:24:01,823
Well, one time.

1772
01:24:01,865 --> 01:24:03,367
Hey, are you available
for weddings?

1773
01:24:03,409 --> 01:24:04,829
And bar mitzvahs.

1774
01:24:04,871 --> 01:24:06,793
- What's up, buddy?
- How are you?

1775
01:24:08,503 --> 01:24:09,839
- Ethan.
- Ethan.

1776
01:24:09,881 --> 01:24:11,676
Nice to meet you, buddy.

1777
01:24:11,718 --> 01:24:14,098
For the record,
this wasn't my idea.

1778
01:24:14,139 --> 01:24:16,102
The suits, they got all excited
when something new

1779
01:24:16,143 --> 01:24:17,605
and shiny comes along

1780
01:24:17,647 --> 01:24:20,151
and jump on whatever
keeps the kids moist.

1781
01:24:20,193 --> 01:24:22,824
Well, Pete has told me
so much about you.

1782
01:24:22,865 --> 01:24:25,453
Truly an honor and a privilege
to meet you, sir.

1783
01:24:27,374 --> 01:24:29,461
Truly an honor and a privilege
to meet you, sir."

1784
01:24:29,503 --> 01:24:30,712
Where the fuck
did you find this kid?

1785
01:24:30,714 --> 01:24:33,177
Only Fangs.

1786
01:24:33,219 --> 01:24:34,219
Who taught you how to speak?

1787
01:24:34,221 --> 01:24:35,850
Fucking Mr. Belvedere?

1788
01:24:35,891 --> 01:24:39,398
"It is truly an honor
and privilege to meet you, sir."

1789
01:24:39,439 --> 01:24:41,233
I'm just fucking with you, kid.

1790
01:24:41,235 --> 01:24:42,780
I saw your thing for real,

1791
01:24:42,822 --> 01:24:44,425
that Chris Angel magic trick
you did, it was good.

1792
01:24:44,449 --> 01:24:47,746
Not my cup of tea
but, you know, kudos to you.

1793
01:24:47,748 --> 01:24:49,416
Well, thank you.

1794
01:24:49,418 --> 01:24:51,213
So, here's
what's gonna happen.

1795
01:24:51,255 --> 01:24:52,592
Pete's gonna go and do 20.

1796
01:24:52,633 --> 01:24:54,426
He's going to kill it.

1797
01:24:54,428 --> 01:24:55,949
And you're not gonna
be able to follow him

1798
01:24:55,973 --> 01:24:57,602
but you're gonna go on
after him anyway.

1799
01:24:57,643 --> 01:25:00,900
Okay. I... I can handle that.

1800
01:25:00,941 --> 01:25:03,362
This fucking kid
a rescue or something?

1801
01:25:03,404 --> 01:25:05,782
You teach him how to roll over,
fetch your slippers?

1802
01:25:05,784 --> 01:25:07,538
He's fine.
He's just being nervous.

1803
01:25:07,580 --> 01:25:09,374
Remember our early shitty gigs

1804
01:25:09,416 --> 01:25:12,462
we did up in Toronto in '95,
was it a stupid beer fest?

1805
01:25:12,464 --> 01:25:13,860
It was some beer fest.
It was shitty.

1806
01:25:13,884 --> 01:25:15,554
And they had
that statement.

1807
01:25:15,596 --> 01:25:16,866
- What was I saying?
- Oh, it's, uh...

1808
01:25:16,890 --> 01:25:19,476
"That's what beer
is all about."

1809
01:25:19,478 --> 01:25:20,648
- Yeah.
- It was stupid.

1810
01:25:20,689 --> 01:25:22,818
What?

1811
01:25:22,860 --> 01:25:24,446
Hey, uh, Ethan,

1812
01:25:24,488 --> 01:25:26,009
I want you to know
that all this ass kissing

1813
01:25:26,033 --> 01:25:28,995
and fuckin' brown nosing
is all bullshit, all right?

1814
01:25:28,997 --> 01:25:30,542
It's not gonna last forever.

1815
01:25:30,584 --> 01:25:32,546
So, don't forget
your place and time.

1816
01:25:35,970 --> 01:25:37,305
I won't.

1817
01:25:38,684 --> 01:25:41,564
We all know this is Pete's spot

1818
01:25:41,606 --> 01:25:45,321
and whether me being here
was your decision or not.

1819
01:25:46,783 --> 01:25:48,494
I won't let either of you down.

1820
01:25:51,041 --> 01:25:53,337
Why does he talk like that?

1821
01:25:53,379 --> 01:25:55,882
He watched a lot
of Harry Potter as a kid.

1822
01:25:55,884 --> 01:25:57,726
I'm probably the Harriest Potter
he's ever met.

1823
01:25:59,016 --> 01:26:01,353
Pete,
you're on in three minutes.

1824
01:26:03,900 --> 01:26:07,908
Okay. Any last minute advice?

1825
01:26:07,950 --> 01:26:09,537
Yes!

1826
01:26:09,579 --> 01:26:11,413
Oh, my God.
This is very important.

1827
01:26:11,415 --> 01:26:12,583
Don't suck.

1828
01:26:14,797 --> 01:26:16,676
Got him.

1829
01:26:16,718 --> 01:26:17,803
Thank you.

1830
01:26:20,642 --> 01:26:22,435
He's nervous.

1831
01:26:22,437 --> 01:26:26,443
Kid's shaking like a dog
trying to shit a peach seed.

1832
01:26:29,451 --> 01:26:30,996
You an actress?

1833
01:26:31,038 --> 01:26:32,958
You wanna be?

1834
01:26:33,000 --> 01:26:35,421
How about an over the pants
hand job with no eye contact?

1835
01:26:36,633 --> 01:26:37,635
No?

1836
01:26:48,489 --> 01:26:50,491
like imagine
if I did that to people.

1837
01:26:50,493 --> 01:26:52,557
And I was like, "Oh, shit.
What's up Bed, Bath & Beyond?

1838
01:26:54,585 --> 01:26:56,130
Smoothy King, where you at?

1839
01:26:57,508 --> 01:26:58,760
"Chik-fil-A."

1840
01:27:01,056 --> 01:27:03,937
All right.

1841
01:27:03,979 --> 01:27:05,691
Wow!

1842
01:27:06,943 --> 01:27:08,572
And I'm just your "fluffer."

1843
01:27:08,613 --> 01:27:09,991
Wait till the pizza man
gets here,

1844
01:27:10,032 --> 01:27:12,201
you know what I'm saying?

1845
01:27:12,203 --> 01:27:14,876
Delivering that peckeroni.

1846
01:27:14,917 --> 01:27:16,880
Um, all right.

1847
01:27:16,921 --> 01:27:18,548
Guys, you ready
for your next comic?

1848
01:27:18,550 --> 01:27:20,846
Yeah!

1849
01:27:20,888 --> 01:27:24,727
Your next comedian
is 27 years old

1850
01:27:24,729 --> 01:27:27,150
but he's a legit
quad-centennial.

1851
01:27:27,192 --> 01:27:29,070
That's right.

1852
01:27:29,112 --> 01:27:31,993
Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together

1853
01:27:32,035 --> 01:27:35,249
for Mr. Ethan Barr.

1854
01:27:46,940 --> 01:27:48,777
Wow.

1855
01:27:48,818 --> 01:27:52,114
This is incredible.

1856
01:27:52,116 --> 01:27:54,287
Though I have to be honest,
I haven't been this nervous

1857
01:27:54,329 --> 01:27:58,212
since the Anti-Habsburg
Uprising of 1740.

1858
01:27:58,254 --> 01:28:00,634
What the fuck?

1859
01:28:03,890 --> 01:28:07,982
You know... my mentor said

1860
01:28:08,023 --> 01:28:09,819
not to open with that joke.

1861
01:28:09,860 --> 01:28:11,280
He was right.

1862
01:28:12,825 --> 01:28:15,246
He usually is.

1863
01:28:15,288 --> 01:28:19,755
He's a true comic's comic
which is why I believe

1864
01:28:19,797 --> 01:28:22,051
we should bring him out
for another bow.

1865
01:28:23,178 --> 01:28:25,099
Ladies and gentlemen,

1866
01:28:25,141 --> 01:28:26,811
please help me reintroduce

1867
01:28:26,853 --> 01:28:29,775
your first headliner
of the evening,

1868
01:28:29,817 --> 01:28:32,030
Mr. Pete Brennan!

1869
01:28:34,744 --> 01:28:36,121
What the fuck?

1870
01:28:36,163 --> 01:28:37,706
What the fuck?

1871
01:28:37,708 --> 01:28:39,375
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?

1872
01:28:39,377 --> 01:28:40,964
What the fuck.

1873
01:28:41,006 --> 01:28:42,175
Come on.

1874
01:28:57,163 --> 01:28:59,960
- Seriously, dude, what the fuck?
- Look, I have no fucking idea.

1875
01:29:00,002 --> 01:29:01,380
I'm sorry.

1876
01:29:01,421 --> 01:29:03,133
The guy just went rogue.
I don't know.

1877
01:29:03,175 --> 01:29:04,970
He's going down like
an Iraqi fighter pilot.

1878
01:29:05,012 --> 01:29:06,974
I knew he wasn't ready.
He's your protege.

1879
01:29:07,016 --> 01:29:08,768
- Yes.
- My protege?

1880
01:29:08,770 --> 01:29:10,270
You're the guy who booked him.

1881
01:29:10,272 --> 01:29:11,941
- I didn't book him.
- Yes, you did.

1882
01:29:11,943 --> 01:29:13,296
When you were rolling
on the fucking ground

1883
01:29:13,320 --> 01:29:14,947
with Heegan Mitch out
on the backyard

1884
01:29:14,949 --> 01:29:16,720
who said, "He's gonna be
on camera, remember?"

1885
01:29:16,744 --> 01:29:19,290
What? Did Heegan squeeze
your fucking brain too tight?

1886
01:29:19,332 --> 01:29:25,094
Help me give a warm
welcome to Russell Peters.

1887
01:29:25,136 --> 01:29:28,140
Is that how you're trying
to revive your career?

1888
01:29:28,142 --> 01:29:30,312
Who said my career's
in the shitter?

1889
01:29:31,983 --> 01:29:34,780
Give it up for, uh, Pete Brennan

1890
01:29:34,822 --> 01:29:37,911
and his beautiful daughter
Ethan Barr,

1891
01:29:37,953 --> 01:29:40,164
my favorite vampire.

1892
01:29:42,503 --> 01:29:44,483
Never understood the name,
Ethan, and all of a sudden,

1893
01:29:44,508 --> 01:29:46,136
too much, like, methane to me.

1894
01:29:47,890 --> 01:29:50,269
Which makes sense because his
breath smells like shit.

1895
01:29:54,570 --> 01:29:57,074
Oh, you got two Asian girls
with you, huh?

1896
01:29:57,116 --> 01:29:59,454
What happened?
Double clicked on
the check out?

1897
01:30:10,894 --> 01:30:13,396
This is it, my friend.

1898
01:30:13,398 --> 01:30:16,823
This is what it's all about,

1899
01:30:16,864 --> 01:30:20,246
the moment, after the moment

1900
01:30:20,287 --> 01:30:22,582
when we shared a moment.

1901
01:30:22,584 --> 01:30:25,254
Wow. That is... that's deep.

1902
01:30:28,428 --> 01:30:31,351
Ah, that ain't shit, homeboy.

1903
01:30:33,898 --> 01:30:36,194
Dude, you're going, like,

1904
01:30:36,236 --> 01:30:39,450
55 in a 65, bro.

1905
01:30:39,492 --> 01:30:41,496
Come on!

1906
01:30:41,539 --> 01:30:45,462
Punch it, live a little.

1907
01:30:45,504 --> 01:30:48,135
Pete, I know it should've
been you and not me.

1908
01:30:51,266 --> 01:30:52,936
Not your fault.

1909
01:30:52,978 --> 01:30:55,107
I'm sorry.

1910
01:30:55,149 --> 01:30:57,613
This is business.

1911
01:30:57,654 --> 01:31:03,081
Shit's uptown,
reward's mediocre.

1912
01:31:03,123 --> 01:31:05,336
But I'm actually
really proud of you.

1913
01:31:07,173 --> 01:31:09,010
I know I'm not as funny as you.

1914
01:31:09,052 --> 01:31:11,012
And you never will be.

1915
01:31:11,014 --> 01:31:12,224
Ever.

1916
01:31:13,561 --> 01:31:16,441
But... it doesn't matter

1917
01:31:17,694 --> 01:31:20,366
because you got something
I don't.

1918
01:31:22,537 --> 01:31:23,623
What?

1919
01:31:25,167 --> 01:31:31,179
You have... a presence.

1920
01:31:33,475 --> 01:31:38,026
Open this motherfucker up!

1921
01:31:39,780 --> 01:31:41,575
Fine. You want me to go?

1922
01:31:43,245 --> 01:31:44,746
Woo!

1923
01:31:44,748 --> 01:31:47,086
Woo! Woo! Gas it.

1924
01:31:50,092 --> 01:31:53,140
Yeah! Yeah, man.

1925
01:31:53,181 --> 01:31:57,189
Woo! Yeah.

1926
01:31:57,231 --> 01:31:59,987
Pete. Pete, get inside!

1927
01:32:01,782 --> 01:32:03,283
What is the matter with you?

1928
01:32:03,285 --> 01:32:05,540
Woo!

1929
01:32:05,582 --> 01:32:07,376
Yeah.

1930
01:32:08,462 --> 01:32:10,631
Yeah.

1931
01:32:10,633 --> 01:32:12,178
Pete. Get in... Pete, Pete!

1932
01:32:57,226 --> 01:32:58,393
Pete!

1933
01:32:58,395 --> 01:32:59,896
I'm fine.

1934
01:32:59,898 --> 01:33:01,652
Bite me, Ethan.

1935
01:33:01,694 --> 01:33:04,407
No, I won't have to.

1936
01:33:04,448 --> 01:33:06,369
You're going to be okay.

1937
01:33:07,914 --> 01:33:09,417
How bad is it?

1938
01:33:09,458 --> 01:33:10,753
Um...

1939
01:33:12,591 --> 01:33:14,887
I've seen worse.

1940
01:33:16,765 --> 01:33:18,936
Well, this is it.

1941
01:33:18,978 --> 01:33:21,439
This is the way it ends.

1942
01:33:21,441 --> 01:33:22,944
No, hey. Hey. Hey.

1943
01:33:22,986 --> 01:33:24,823
Save your energy, okay?

1944
01:33:24,865 --> 01:33:26,952
They're on their way.
You're going to be fine.

1945
01:33:28,496 --> 01:33:31,377
- I'm fine.
- Hey, come on.

1946
01:33:31,419 --> 01:33:33,296
The ambulance is almost here,
all right?

1947
01:33:33,298 --> 01:33:34,633
Just hang on.

1948
01:33:34,635 --> 01:33:37,223
Here's my boy.

1949
01:33:37,264 --> 01:33:40,688
Yes. I'm your boy.

1950
01:33:40,730 --> 01:33:43,736
No. No, my son.

1951
01:33:43,778 --> 01:33:45,698
My son is here.

1952
01:33:45,740 --> 01:33:47,409
- Yes.
- My son is here.

1953
01:33:47,451 --> 01:33:48,537
Yeah, they're almost here.

1954
01:33:48,579 --> 01:33:50,457
Just hang on, okay?

1955
01:33:52,671 --> 01:33:54,338
I don't know, Ethan.

1956
01:33:54,340 --> 01:33:55,802
I can't.

1957
01:33:57,012 --> 01:33:59,433
He just came in the light.

1958
01:33:59,475 --> 01:34:01,647
No, Pete.
Come on, stay, stay with me.

1959
01:34:01,689 --> 01:34:02,941
Stay with me, Pete.

1960
01:34:02,983 --> 01:34:05,445
I got to get up now.

1961
01:34:07,784 --> 01:34:11,542
Hey, you're gonna cry, cry.

1962
01:34:14,422 --> 01:34:18,973
That's my time. Goodnight.

1963
01:34:24,735 --> 01:34:27,949
Pete. Pete. Pete.

1964
01:34:27,991 --> 01:34:31,372
Come on.
Come on, stay with me, Pete.

1965
01:34:31,414 --> 01:34:35,005
Please. Please, Pete.

1966
01:34:49,826 --> 01:34:51,412
Good morning.

1967
01:34:51,454 --> 01:34:52,850
Do you have a reservation
with us today?

1968
01:34:52,874 --> 01:34:55,546
- Yes, I do.
- Fantastic!

1969
01:34:55,588 --> 01:34:58,426
Um, and what is the last name
of the traveler?

1970
01:34:58,468 --> 01:35:00,472
Barr.

1971
01:35:00,515 --> 01:35:02,852
Ethan Barr.

1972
01:35:04,146 --> 01:35:07,985
Ooh!
So, you're this week's comedian?

1973
01:35:07,987 --> 01:35:10,033
So, are you funny?

1974
01:35:11,077 --> 01:35:13,123
Can you tell me a joke?

1975
01:35:13,164 --> 01:35:15,168
I... I just love jokes.

1976
01:35:17,172 --> 01:35:19,468
Okay.
Here's what I think you'll like.

1977
01:35:19,511 --> 01:35:23,602
What's the difference
between a vagina and a cunt?

1978
01:35:23,644 --> 01:35:26,817
Until you bring it back
and that's called the callback.

1979
01:35:26,859 --> 01:35:28,153
Now, remember
what I said earlier

1980
01:35:28,194 --> 01:35:29,781
about the "rules of threes"

1981
01:35:29,823 --> 01:35:31,827
and also, the "K" Sound.

1982
01:35:31,869 --> 01:35:33,204
Ooh.

1983
01:35:33,246 --> 01:35:36,502
Look who we have here!

1984
01:35:36,545 --> 01:35:39,425
Please give it up,
the great Keith Ray.

1985
01:35:40,218 --> 01:35:42,974
Yo, I'm the pimp with the limp,
you're the shrimp
with the limp.

1986
01:35:43,016 --> 01:35:44,811
Yeah, you know it, baby.

1987
01:35:44,853 --> 01:35:46,857
Look, what he said is correct.

1988
01:35:46,899 --> 01:35:49,863
Which is why
when used correctly,

1989
01:35:49,905 --> 01:35:51,950
the "C-word" is always fun.

1990
01:35:54,038 --> 01:35:55,748
Dude, is this show and tell?

1991
01:35:55,750 --> 01:35:58,004
- What?
- Um, okay.

1992
01:35:58,046 --> 01:36:00,758
So, in your humble opinion then,

1993
01:36:00,760 --> 01:36:02,597
like, what do you think

1994
01:36:02,639 --> 01:36:04,933
the best thing that
a comedian can do,

1995
01:36:04,935 --> 01:36:08,149
like, while they're on stage
or whatever and stuff?

1996
01:36:10,278 --> 01:36:12,617
- Is that a real question?
- I don't know, Pete.

1997
01:36:12,659 --> 01:36:13,951
But you take a shot at it.

1998
01:36:13,953 --> 01:36:15,623
Oh, my God.

1999
01:36:21,259 --> 01:36:22,845
Two words.

2000
01:36:24,724 --> 01:36:26,143
Don't suck.