.
[whirring]
- [groaning]
[groaning]
[whirring stops]
You're early.
- * It's true *
* The marriage that we once had now is through *
* And now we're doing all that we can do *
* To keep us all together as a crew *
* Trust, do as we say, not as we do *
* We really thought that we were done *
* But we've just begun *
- Sorry you had to see that.
- So are we.
- Jim, this is the living room.
Why were your pants down?
- Because the pain isn't in my pants.
It's in my glute.
- Jim has always had glute issues,
and, oh, how I've missed them.
- Glute issues come from tension.
I don't have tension.
- You don't have tension yet.
But you're marrying Julia,
so keep one of those in every room.
- I don't have tension.
- You're asymptomatic,
but you give it to other people.
- Where are the kids, by the way?
- I left them in the woods with some bread.
That was three days ago.
Jimmy's playing video games, and Grace is on TikTok
watching hamsters get married.
- And our children's futures grow brighter by the moment.
- Yeah, item one, Jimmy's school
gave the kids a career aptitude test,
and it said he should be an evangelist.
- Jesus. - Exactly.
He seems excited about it, so that's good.
Although personally, I think those tests are deeply flawed.
- I remember my test.
It said I should run for governor someday.
- Mine said I should map the human genome.
- What about yours, Jim?
What'd it say?
- Doesn't matter.
- Come on.
- It doesn't--
cranberry farmer.
- [laughs]
- Oh, come on.
I was an 11-year-old boy.
I just happened to have a bladder infection.
- No. - Hey.
Yes, boys can get them.
Boys have bladders, and they get infected.
Whatever. It's fine.
It's fine.
OK, item number two.
As you know, it is Grace's 14th birthday tomorrow,
so I booked our special booth at Stornelli's.
Trey, you're gonna love this place.
Family style, spaghetti and meatballs,
big portions, bottomless bread basket.
And it is my treat.
No arguments, OK?
So come hungry and leave that big wallet at home.
- Actually, this year, we have an upgrade.
- An upgrade? - Tell him.
- I got us into Takane.
- Isn't that fantastic?
- Oh, my God, that is so fa-- what is Takane?
- A new sushi place that no one can get into.
- No one? How are they in business?
- Well, no one but Trey.
He made a call.
- I was happy to do it for you.
And for you, but most of all, for Grace.
And of course, it'll be my treat.
- Thank you, my love.
- Yes, thank you, her love.
But, Trey--
and I don't blame you for this, because clearly,
Julia did not tell you.
She's very busy.
The Kearney family always has birthdays at Stornelli's.
Our pictures are on the wall, for God's sakes.
- Jim, this is Takane.
- I "understand-ay."
- Grace will love it.
She's always been a foodie.
Even all the way back in her nursing days,
she strictly preferred the left breast to the right.
- I go back and forth.
- Yes, you do.
- Hey, hey, I'm right here.
OK, so did Grace actually tell you
she doesn't want to go to Stornelli's anymore?
- She didn't have to tell me. I know.
- You don't know what Grace knows,
and you know you don't know.
And I know you know you don't know.
We're going to Stornelli's. - Takane.
- Stornelli's. - Jim.
- Julia. - Trey.
[whirring]
.
- Now, when Julia and I carefully and painstakingly
mapped out our post-divorce life,
we may have failed to consider a few tiny things.
- Like birthdays, graduations, vacations, first communions,
baptisms, Mother's Day, Father's Day,
Labor Day, Arbor Day.
- OK, now you're just naming days.
So there we were, on our first major occasion,
at an unpredictable impasse.
- It was completely predictable.
People have birthdays every year.
- Or like Julia, every three years.
- That's true.
- So smart people would have said,
"Hey, let's take a breath." - "Let's think it through."
- "Let's figure this out like mature adults."
- But that's not who we are.
- We are the Kearneys.
How could you say yes to Takane without even consulting me?
- Because I thought you'd be thrilled.
Every time we go to Stornelli's,
the meatballs give you diarrhea.
- Yes, but it's diarrhea by choice.
A personal sacrifice I make in the name of parenthood.
A hill I both create and die on.
You're welcome.
- Can you imagine a woman would ever tire of this man?
- [groaning]
[voice warbling] Jim, I am sorry.
I should have consulted you.
- No! You didn't do anything wrong.
All you did was make a birthday plan
for his daughter, your soon-to-be stepdaughter,
without asking him.
- You didn't say I had to ask him.
- I didn't think we had to ask him.
- Well, you had to ask him.
- OK, Jim, can we take Grace to Takane?
- No.
- This is ridiculous.
This man, this generous man,
calls in a giant favor for our Grace,
and all you can do is swat it away?
How do you sleep at night?
- I close my eyes.
Sometimes I--
- You know what I mean.
Ah! Ah! Give me that thing.
Ah!
- Look, I'm sure Takane is great,
and I'm not saying I enjoy the diarrhea.
- It would worry me if you did.
- But we are talking about tradition here.
And in this family, our birthday tradition
is we dine at Stornelli's,
and then I go home and uncork my bowels.
- The hell kind of tradition is that?
That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I don't even know what to say anymore.
What kind of conversation is this?
- The kind of conversation you can only have
with Jim Kearney.
- I overstepped. We should go with Jim's plan.
- Well, I think Jim's overstepped,
and we should go with your plan.
- Well, I think you overstepped,
and we should go with my plan.
And that makes one vote for Takane
and two votes for Stornelli's.
Stornelli's it is.
Prepare the toilets!
- Oh, oh, oh, no, no, not so fast, big guy.
I think we should let Grace decide.
- Mm. Great idea.
We'll force our daughter to choose between her parents,
and then for her birthday present,
we'll get her a big box of therapy.
- This is bad.
- Can I just ask,
how do they never notice the phone?
- Shh!
- If my career test was right,
these people are my flock.
But goodness gracious, do they need help.
- [voice warbling] Whatever Grace decides,
we will all accept it with a smile.
- Why is Mom vibrating?
- Trey, you have hijacked my daughter's birthday.
You are a daughter's birthday hijacker.
- I thought I was doing a nice thing.
- Do you have any idea how many tragic stories
have started with those seven words?
- Eight words.
- Ugh, fine. It'll be all up to Grace.
- No matter what I choose, I'll be disappointing somebody.
- Well, it's your own fault for having a birthday
so soon after the divorce.
- That's a stupid thing to say.
- What do you want?
My dad was a cranberry farmer.
- I wish I knew what to do.
- Pray with me. - Stop it.
Oh, Takane has a website.
- Stornelli's doesn't.
- Well, if it did, it would redirect
to Poison Control.
Oh, but Takane looks incredible.
OK, decision made.
We're going to Takane.
- Dad's gonna be crushed.
- Uh, don't worry.
I have a plan.
- The Lord does too.
What's yours?
- I'm not telling you, in case it doesn't work.
- Well, that's not very reassuring.
- You know, for a preacher, you don't have much faith.
I had to break the news to Dad.
He took it pretty well, considering.
- Yeah.
Takane.
Great, Grace.
- Well, anyway, he took it.
That was the easy part.
.
[upbeat music]
- You know what?
This place feels right. - Mm.
- Even the fish in the tank look happy to be here.
And they're gonna be dead in 20 minutes.
- Oh, not those bad boys.
Those are koi, the jewel of the water.
$20,000 each.
- To be worth $20,000,
a fish would have to play the banjo.
- [laughs]
- Dad, are you sure you're happy we came here?
- Does the Pope crap in the woods?
- Don't talk about my boss like that.
- No, I'm happy. [chuckles]
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- 'Cause you're tapping your lips like
you want to say something,
but you can't let it out.
- Oh, no, I'm simply
preparing my lips to receive fish.
Summon the waiter. My lips are ready.
- Oh, there'll be no ordering.
The chef decides the whole meal, start to finish.
- Wait, what if I don't like it?
- Then the Lord will smite you.
- Ooh. - Oh.
- [gasps] Oh, my God.
This is the uni with dandelion.
- Oh.
A little on the petite side.
- The better to be delectable.
- Uh-huh.
Does uni have a big brother?
- You're gonna love it, Jim.
- OK.
Come here there, little tyke.
Let's see what all the fuss is about
and if the mortgage-like prices are justified
by the flavor of this itty-bitty, little--
oh, dear glory.
That is the best thing I've ever tasted.
[laughter]
- And now we know why Jesus multiplied the fish.
- [laughs]
- Why don't we go look at the koi?
- I need more food first, or I won't survive the journey.
- OK, well, why don't we go look at the koi,
and we can give the adults a chance to talk?
- I can see them from here.
You done with your dandelion?
- Why don't we go look at--
- Look at the koi.
Oh, I get it now.
Ow, ow!
- Grace, Grace, easy on his ear.
- Jim, I gotta say, I am so happy
that you're enjoying this meal.
- Anybody with a mouth would enjoy the meal.
That was never the issue.
- I know.
The issue was about not being consulted,
and I am sorry about that.
- No, that wasn't the issue.
- That wasn't the issue? - Oh, I know.
The issue was about changing tradition.
- Yeah, that wasn't the issue, either.
- Oh. It wasn't?
- Well, it was part of the issue,
but it wasn't the issue.
- OK, Jim, well, what was the issue?
Because the restaurant closes at midnight.
- Ah. No need to talk about it.
I gotta go to the men's room.
This place seems like the kind of place
that would have a large tip jar in there.
What's the standard gratuity, Trey?
About 4 grand?
- Like many of us, Jim has issues discussing his issues.
- Oh, no, I have no such issues, or issue issues.
- I'm so glad, because we are all a family now.
- That's right, and families rely on communication.
- And communication relies on emotional exhibitionism.
- Yes, so, Jim,
if you need to take off your emotional pants,
I want you to know I'm here for you.
- It is spectacularly clear to me
that you two were meant for each other.
Uh, can I write a check in the men's room?
Do you know? Or Venmo?
- You seem agitated, Jim.
You shouldn't pee agitated.
That's how mistakes are made.
Bad for the shoes.
- Look, the issue was
that we didn't know what Grace wanted,
and then we found out.
Grace wanted Takane, and so we are here.
Grace is happy, and therefore I am happy.
My heart is full, and as it happens,
so is my bladder.
Excuse me.
- Babe, I know I don't speak fluent Jim yet,
but that does not seem like a happy man.
- Yeah. Did--did I miss something?
I didn't, did I? No.
Did I? No.
- Repeat after me.
Tartar sauce.
- Hey, um, Reverend?
- Yes, child?
- I think one of your flock needs you.
- Look, I'm not gonna deny it, you know?
Trey's money allows him to do things for the kids
that I could never do.
When he's around, it's hard not to feel less than.
But am I supposed to just capitulate?
You know, stick out a limp, supplicant paw
and say, "Thank you, Trey,
how do we ever have a happy day without you?"
Fatherhood, man.
What a ride.
I mean, birthdays and youth soccer
and, well, violin recitals.
You ever listen to a five-year-old play violin?
It's horrible.
Horrible.
You can feel it in your teeth.
But you suck it up.
You take video. Later, you watch the video.
Your teeth hurt again.
But it doesn't matter because it's your daughter,
and you're her dad.
[sighs]
And then one day, the owner of your favorite sports team
falls in love with your ex-wife,
and your daughter forgets all about you.
It hurts.
It really hurts.
Any advice?
- Yeah, I got some advice.
Don't talk to strangers in the men's room.
- You said, "How's it going?"
- And you're supposed to say, "Good,"
and that's the end of it.
Did I tell you that this is not my real leg?
Or how I lost my real leg?
How much I miss my real leg?
- No, you did not.
- Did I tell you about my future son-in-law,
the love of my daughter's life,
who has a spider tattoo on his face?
Not on his neck.
On his face.
Right here.
Daddy long legs.
I did not say that to you.
You know why?
Because you don't do it.
Not in a men's room.
We've been in here so long, I almost have to go again,
but I am leaving because this has been so unpleasant.
- Wow.
Whatever happened to the kindness of strangers?
- We're not strangers anymore.
I wish we were strangers.
We were meant to be strangers.
I know more about your kids than I do my own!
- It smells like dandelions in here.
- Jimmy, never enter a men's room
and say anything like that again.
- Copy that.
- How you feeling about your career aptitude test?
Do you know what you'll be when you grow up?
- Hopefully at the big urinal.
This one's humiliating.
- Hmm.
Well, if the preaching thing doesn't work out,
you should give the finance business a shot.
- What's the finance business?
- It's what Trey did before he bought the Celtics.
Now he can buy whatever he wants--
basketball teams, people's affections,
teeny-tiny pieces of inarguably sublime fish.
Yeah, if I could do it all over again,
I'd have majored in finance instead of beer pong.
But let me tell you, if beer pong ever goes professional,
I'm buying the Red Sox, and a cranberry farm.
- But if you'd done anything differently,
then you wouldn't have been you.
You wouldn't have married Mom, and I wouldn't exist.
You'd be peeing next to some other kid right now.
- That's-- you make a good point.
Maybe you should be a preacher.
You done?
- I've been done for a while, Dad.
I just like talking to you.
[upbeat music]
- For the first time in history,
my brother did what I wanted him to,
and I didn't even have to threaten physical violence.
So we were back on track.
But the most important part of the plan was still ahead.
I know my family, and I knew what was about to happen.
.
all: * Happy birthday to you *
- * Ooh *
- Grace, blow out the birthday candle.
- Go easy, though.
The whole thing could sail across the room.
- Hey!
[cheers and applause]
- Mmm. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, wow. - Wow.
- Even the birthday cake is incredible.
- Mmm.
More like a birthday nibble, but yeah.
Oh.
At least let me get the tip.
Service wasn't that great.
- Wait a second.
That was the whole meal? - Mm-hmm.
- I thought those were just appetizers.
- Reverend, polite.
- Reverend starving.
This is a restaurant.
They have a responsibility.
- It's their style. - Yes.
Famine.
- [sighs]
Can I have some French fries?
- Nothing here is fried.
- What?
Boo! Boo!
- Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, what would Jesus do?
- Beats me, but there's about to be one less koi.
- Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
- So, um, let me ask,
who besides me would really love
some spaghetti and meatballs right now?
- I'm not gonna lie.
I could eat my entire arm.
- Dad, can you save the day?
- Oh, well, it's a little last-minute,
but um, I think I can make a call.
- Let's hope Stornelli's has a phone.
- I didn't realize how much I had asked of Jim, you know,
what it--what it means to a man like him
to be a good dad, the dad,
no matter who else had come along.
- You were less than sensitive.
- Yes.
Thank you.
Uh, but fortunately, our daughter,
despite her demeanor sometimes,
is actually the most sensitive of us all.
- I knew what the best outcome was,
so I manipulated everyone around me to get it.
- I'm so proud.
[chuckles]
[upbeat music]
Mmm.
[laughs]
- You know what I'm thinking?
- That you've been eating for 45 minutes,
so how come your plate's still full?
- It's like the spaghetti is giving birth
to more spaghetti. - Mm.
- Should we be dreading the aftermath,
little Stornelli's all over the place?
- Nope. Live for the moment. - OK.
- Actually, I was thinking
that our children will teach us.
- Jim, Grace is learning to embrace Trey
because he is a person very much worth embracing,
and he should be welcomed into the family
with tenderness and warmth.
- Thank you. - Still talking.
- Sorry.
- But she knows that she'll only ever have one dad.
And now you know she knows.
And she knows you know she knows.
And I know you know she knows she knows.
And that is worth a billion dandelions.
[sobbing] - I will keep that in mind.
- I sure hope so, because this was exhausting.
- And I promise that next time,
I will be much more considerate of your feelings
before I dismiss them.
- That's all I ask, a pause of kindness
before being completely disregarded.
- Hmm.
Oh, it's me now?
Because I thought I handled things pretty well.
OK.
Um, I went to MIT.
- Ladies and gentlemen, the 9:17 MIT mention.
Right on time.
- But my real education started when I joined this family.
- What have you learned?
- Well, I've learned that
I'd rather be full of pasta and love at Stornelli's
than hungry and unloved at Takane.
- Hallelujah.
- Oh.
When was the last time
somebody picked up a check for you, Trey?
- 2002.
- Then it's my pleasure.
- Thank you.
- It's nice having our picture on the wall.
- Well, we're the only ones who've ever come back.
- But maybe it's time for a new picture.
- You know what?
You're absolutely right.
Can I borrow that? - What?
- Your phone. - Seriously?
- Just for a second. - Where are you going?
- I'm not leaving. - Don't break it.
- I won't. - Where's yours?
- In my pocket. - Just use that.
- Yours is newer.
- Fine.
- What's your password? - Never.
- How about I get up and take a picture
of the four of you guys? - No, no, no, no.
You stay right where you are.
Smile, everybody.
[upbeat music]
* *
[toilet flushing]
[grunts]
[door slams]
OK, OK.
I was wrong!