.
[Dexys Midnight Runners' "Come On Eileen"]
- * Come on, Eileen *
* Oh, I swear, well, he means *
* At this moment *
* You mean everything *
* You in that dress *
* My thoughts, I confess *
* Verge on dirty *
* Ah, come on, Eileen *
* *
- [spits]
* *
[phone beeps]
[phone rumbling] - * Jim is calling *
* Jim is calling *
* You're so lucky 'cause Jim is calling *
Pick up, pick up. - Yo.
- I've been googling. I think I have a dermoid cyst.
- A what?
- A dermoid cyst.
Some of them have hair and teeth.
There's a chance it's my embryonic twin
who I devoured when we were sharing our mother's womb.
Take a look.
- I think it's just a skin tag. Hack it off.
- Hack it off?
Put the axe down, Lizzie Borden.
Ask Trey. He's the genius.
- Trey is sleeping.
- Trey was sleeping.
- Hi, hun.
Jim just stumbled upon some kind of growth
under his arm. - Hey, Trey.
Weigh in on this.
So far, we got skin tag or embryonic twin.
- Guys, not now. I gotta sleep.
- He's just psyching himself up to cut the thing off.
- OK. Well, go get 'em, tiger.
I'm rooting for you. Night, night.
- Do it if you can.
And if you chicken out, I'll come by tomorrow
and cut off your junk.
- I beg of you, cut off my twin,
but leave my junk. - Please, make it stop.
- See? See? Trey agrees.
We need a protest march with signs and songs.
Hands off men's junk. Ooh, actually, bad idea.
- It's Julia. Please, leave a message.
[phone beeps]
- OK, guys, I have resolved to murder
my long lost twin little brother.
So, if I die too,
please donate both of our bodies to science.
OK, I'm opening the scissors.
Three, two, one.
[scissors snip]
Ow! That was so stupid!
- * It's true *
* The marriage that we once had now is through *
* And now we're doing all that we can do *
* To keep us all together as a crew *
* Trust, do as we say, not as we do *
* We really thought that we were done *
* But we've just begun *
- Hey, babe.
Look at my sleep tracker which grades my sleep
with stunning accuracy.
- Ooh, 58. That's good, right?
- No, that's 58 out of 100.
That's an F. I'm flunking sleep.
Why? Because lately, Jim calls every single night.
- To update me on the kids.
- Well, it starts with kid talk,
but it always shifts to other talk, Jim talk,
about Jim things.
Things Jim read, things Jim's
thinking of reading, things Jim ate,
things Jim thinks Jim would enjoy eating.
Jim things, Jim things. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jim things.
Look, our windows have blackout curtains,
but what we need now is Jim-out curtains.
- I hear you.
- I admire your commitment to a thriving divorce,
but I need my sleep.
Please, I am begging you.
Please, just tell him, "Jim, don't call after 10:00, Jim."
- Do I have to say his name twice?
- I think it conveys the proper gravitas of this situation.
- Two Jims it is. I'll say it just like that.
- Thank you.
- I did not say it just like that.
In fact, I did not say it anything like that.
In fact, I did not say it at all.
I had planned to say it,
but before I could, fate stepped in.
Fate sent me a message on Facebook.
.
- Can you believe this? 19 years later, here we are.
- I know. I love Facebook.
For every 600 friends, there's actually one
you want to see in person.
[laughter]
- So Australia.
- Oh, great country.
I just followed the wrong man there.
- You followed your heart. Love took you there.
- And hate brought me home.
[laughter]
- I'm just joking. I don't hate my ex-husband.
Actually, I hate my ex-husband.
But you get it. You've been through it all.
- Still going through it.
But it's good.
We kept the apartment, so the kids can stay there,
and we're the ones who come and go.
- Well, that's smart.
It's less disruptive for the kids.
- Still ironing out the details.
For example, Jim has been calling a lot late at night,
and my fiancé is not thrilled.
But I always pick up because he makes me laugh.
- Well, if you're tired of him, tell him to call me.
I'm up all night playing Words With Friends
with people who aren't friends. - [laughs]
Well, if you're serious, I'll set it up.
- I wasn't serious. Should I be serious?
- Maybe.
- You want to set me up with Jim, your Jim?
- He's not my Jim anymore. No, no, no.
I have relinquished all claim.
He is now public domain Jim.
- So it wouldn't be weird for you?
- Are you kidding me?
I want him to be with someone as great as you are.
I mean, he's smart, kind, charming, funny as hell.
None of that changes just because by the end,
I wanted to stab him in the neck with a lawn dart.
But he's a great dad, and he's a good guy.
- Do you have a picture? - Yes.
Let me find a good one. - OK.
[upbeat music]
- She said I'm cute? What picture did you show her?
Oh, yeah. I do look cute.
Hot, actually. I am smoking hot right there.
- Do you need to be alone? - I'm good.
But when you get a minute, airdrop me that.
Got a photo of her?
Oh, hell, yeah, I'll go out with her.
- A photo is all it takes?
- She's hot, and she thinks I'm cute.
That's what I call go time.
- Mom, or Dad, or whoever I should ask,
can I sleep over at Sophie's tomorrow night?
- Sophie J. or Sophie K.? - Sophie K.
- Sophie J. will not be there? - Uh-uh.
- Look at me, look at me, look at me.
You promise me there is no chance
that Sophie J. will be there?
- No Sophie J., only Sophie K. I promise.
- OK with you Jim? - Yep.
- Then have a lovely time.
- It's Sophie Z. you gotta worry about.
- It makes me happy you're going on a date.
- Hmm, I'm glad.
- And you seem happy now.
- Did it seem like I was not happy?
- No, I just--
you're a wonderful guy, and I care about you,
and I want you to find your Trey.
You shouldn't hide your light under a bushel.
- Never said my bushel wasn't out there busheling.
My bushel has actually been very busy,
and also, my peck. - Oh.
I wasn't aware of that.
- Well, you know, I like to be discreet.
But yes, many dates, uh, triggered
by my magnetic libido.
So, hey, do you think your friend Lydia
might be free tomorrow night? - I can ask.
- Hey, guys. - Oh, hey, Jimmy.
You know, it's been a long time since you went on a sleepover.
Why don't you call Trevor and see
if you can do one tomorrow night?
- Trevor G. Or Trevor H.? - I do not care.
- It's Trevor Z. you got to worry about.
* *
- To first dates. - Oh. Ow.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, let me just use the other arm.
To first dates.
Mm.
Lydia, full disclosure,
it's been a while since I've done this,
so I might be a little rusty.
- Well, I wish this wine had WD-40 in it.
I'm just kidding.
We're restarting the engine after the car's
been in the garage for a long time.
- It was a long winter. - How was your winter?
Because mine was cold and dark. - Mine was dark and deep.
- Mine was deep, bleak, and dull.
- Hm.
[laughter]
- Well, what doesn't kill us--
- Wounds us so bad, we wish we were dead.
- I was gonna say, "makes us stronger."
- Hmm. Tell that to my armpit.
- I'm sorry, your armpit?
- You want to know why I winced a moment ago?
- Sure.
- Are you familiar with dermoid cysts?
- I am not.
- It's a growth of skin cells that sometimes gets infected.
Sometimes they have hair and teeth.
And-- - Are you ready to order?
- I think we need a moment. - Certainly.
- You know what?
I can finish this story after we eat.
.
- OK, so the other night, I used scissors
to hack off a dermoid cyst that was under my armpit.
- Lord, are you OK?
- Yeah, I am now, but it was brutal.
I bled like a mother. Bled and oozed.
And overnight, the pus set in.
I think it was lymph leaking out.
We have lymph nodes under our arms, right?
- I'm a tax attorney.
- Well, anyway, I was surprised.
- I am too. You scissored off a cyst.
- Cyst is a polite word. This was a commanding presence.
It could start a cult. It hurt so bad.
- I can imagine. - No, you cannot.
I dropped to my knees, not to pray,
although I did pray once I was down there
for forgiveness for murdering my twin.
See, they think that these dermoid cysts
are fetuses that the other fetus,
in this case me, devoured in the womb.
So it was my cyst-er.
- Jim, this was delightful. - Was?
- But I have to leave now. - Why?
- Because I have learned to follow my gut,
and right now, I'm about to puke.
It was very nice to meet you.
Um, here's a 50 for the wine. Keep the change.
Put it towards your co-pay.
I wish you well. Condolences about your twin.
I hope you don't get sepsis.
Please tell Julia I said,
"Thank you for the introduction.
"I am deleting my Facebook.
"I will speak to her again by accident
in another 19 years."
[upbeat music]
- Jim just texted that Lydia left the date.
- Lydia? - My friend I set up with Jim.
- Oh, so a friend you don't really like.
- This jackass. How hard is it?
[line trilling]
- Oh, if it isn't the merry matchmaker.
- What did you do, Jim?
What did you do. - Nothing. I was being myself.
- And there's your problem.
- You were being yourself? Why would you do that?
- It's too soon, Jim, too soon. - Exactly.
That's the first rule of dating.
You got to be someone else first for a long time.
- Yeah, everybody does, Jim.
But especially you, Jim.
- You got to trick 'em into liking you
before you let 'em see who you really are.
This is basic stuff.
Just tell me exactly what happened.
- It was all going well,
and then I told a story, and she got up and left.
- Which story?
- About the dermoid cyst.
- Oh, my God!
- What? It was hilarious.
- There's something really wrong with this dude.
- Guys, guys.
You live how you live, and I will do the same, OK?
Because guess what? I met someone else.
- What?
- A lovely woman named Thea Lynn, single and looking,
who happened to be at the next table
and heard everything. She's witty.
She's attractive.
She's festooned in turquoise jewelry.
She vacations in Santa Fe.
And she loved the dermoid cyst story, Julia.
Wants to know what I would have named my twin had he lived.
She came over, introduced herself.
I asked her to join me,
and we are having a blast. Goodbye.
Well, hello again.
- I missed you. Did you miss me?
- I did.
- I am having so much fun. - Oh, me too.
Oh, I figured out a name for my twin, Lyle.
- Love it.
[laughter]
- This is great!
Jim met someone he likes.
With any luck, this will turn into something,
and for a little while, at least,
I'm gonna get some sleep.
Mission accidentally accomplished.
Come on. - We are in desperate trouble.
- How is this not good news?
Why isn't anything ever good news?
- You don't understand.
Jim has a defect in his brain that makes him love people.
It's horrible.
The guy collects friends wherever he goes.
He's like a human lint roller. - That's not horrible at all.
That's good. - No, it's bad for romance.
Very, very bad. Jim falls in love instantly.
He fell in love with me from down the block
before I saw him or said a word.
- A, nobody can blame him.
And B, for a long time, it worked out.
- Yes.
Because as it happens, I am wonderful.
- Hmm.
- But-- but that was just luck.
You know, I could have been a beast.
I could have killed the guy.
And now I may have.
Someone's got to go down there and get eyes
on this Thea Lynn, do some recon.
- Good luck.
.
- I don't see him. Do you see him?
- No. Well, I guess that's a good try.
We did everything we could-- - Excuse me.
Do you happen to remember a couple?
He's handsome, shaved head, beard.
She was wearing a lot of turquoise.
- The guy who cut off his oozing cyst?
- That's the one.
- Yeah, they were in my section.
- Did they leave together? - Oh, yeah.
They ordered our famous soufflé and left before it was ready.
- Excuse me. You said he paid for this?
- Yeah.
[upbeat music]
- Hey, babe, babe. - What?
- It's not too late to turn back.
- I've got to save Jim from himself.
- I disagree.
But allow me a prediction.
The moment you walk through that door,
you're gonna see that it's an innocent date,
and you're gonna want to leave.
At that moment, I want you to look at me
and say the word "soufflé."
That'll be a signal that you are, A, ready to flee,
and B, I was right.
- Oh.
[giggles] Your beard, it's so ticklish.
Oh, a little more here.
Ooh! Oh, oh.
Hey, um, do you mind if I take off my dress?
- Mind? I'm honored, grateful.
I'm already composing a thank you note.
- I thought you said we were gonna be alone?
- We were. Julia, what the hell?
- Soufflé, soufflé, soufflé, soufflé.
- Wait, who are you?
- I'm Julia, Jim's ex-wife,
former wife, wife at one time.
This is Trey, my fiancé.
- Hello. - I'm Thea Lynn.
- Enchanté.
- "Enchanté," she said as if she says it all the time.
- Sorry for the flyby. I had to get some stuff.
I live here too. Not all the time.
Jim and I take turns.
I leave stuff behind now and then.
And now and then, I got to get it.
Hi, I'm Julia.
- Yes, you said your name already.
- That's right. And she said hers.
Thea Lynn, which is so unique and pretty,
like the woman herself.
- I'm sorry, you said you live here too?
- On account of the children, both of them, two.
They live here all the time, so they never need
to get stuff, but I do. Getting stuff.
Can I offer you a Diet Dr. Pepper?
- Uh, no, thank you.
- You know, we call this place the nest.
My son named it, you know, because birds live in a nest.
- But when they're all here, it's crowded.
So some of them have the decency to fly away fast
and far and away, away, away.
- Look at all that lovely turquoise.
Why the turquoise, Thea Lynn?
- Because I like it.
- Why Santa Fe? - You know about Santa Fe?
- Oh. [chuckles nervously].
Jim texted that he had met you,
and I texted him with various inquiries,
and then he texted us. - Oh, no us.
I didn't text anyone.
- You were in the restroom, I believe.
- I was very happy that I'd just met you.
- What are your intentions regarding my ex-husband?
- Well, before you got here,
I intended to take my dress off.
- Oh. - I look back
on that time fondly.
- Well, look, I don't want to get in the middle
of what you guys got going on here, so--
- Yes, that's right.
We're just here to get the baseball glove.
- And I have it, and we will go.
- Play ball!
- But before we go, uh, I'm sure, Thea Lynn,
that you are a lovely person, and that this will
be a lovely relationship, and that
you will treat Jim lovely-ly.
But if you don't, be warned that
whatever your motives, whatever your schemes,
whatever your pathology, I shall thwart it,
for I am his shield and his sword,
his bulletproof vest and his rifle.
- Julia.
- I have his back and his front,
his side and his flank. - Flank means side.
- Regardless, I got the keys to get in here anytime I want.
- Uh, Jim? - Yes.
- Thank you for a lovely two hours.
- You're welcome.
- Shorter than many relationships,
and yet, never to be forgotten. - I understand.
- This is obviously a very complicated situation.
- I know. - More people than I'm used to.
- Me too.
- Well, uh, it was a delight to meet you all.
And Julia, bravo.
You've saved Jim from my sense of humor,
my big heart, and my voracious sexual appetite.
- Wait, Jim is a really great guy.
- Agreed. It's you I'm worried about.
- Oh, don't be.
- Any chance I can still call you?
- [laughs] No.
[laughs] No, no, no.
No. No.
- Huh.
- Hmm.
- Ay, ay, ay.
- I-- - You?
- I--
- You?
- Jim, I--
I'm so sorry.
- No one is more sorry than I am.
- What are you--
what are you thinking?
- I am not thinking.
What you see on my face is bafflement, wonder,
awe, all mixed with astonishment at the absurdity
of what you've just done.
- I just-- I don't--
I don't know what I was thinking.
- Oh, I do. - You do?
- You were thinking that I do my best thinking
when you're there to remind me what my best thinking is.
- Look, you have every right to be angry.
- I'm not angry because I know you,
and I know you did what you just did
out of your own peculiar and still evolving
definition of post-divorce.
- I think I was just afraid that--
- That harm would come to me, harm that would be your fault
because you were the one who sent me
on the dermoid cyst date in the first place.
But no harm came to me.
And actually, it was the opposite.
Events conspired, and moments ago,
for the first time in a very long time,
I was caressed with desire by another human being...
Who, before you barged in here
with your sawed-off shotgun and your Kevlar vest,
had decided without being asked or begged to disrobe.
Today was a thrilling, if bizarre,
reminder of life's post-divorce possibilities,
and none of it would have happened
if you were a normal person.
So thank you.
- You're welcome? - Too soon.
Now, if you've nothing else, please leave
so I can return to Santa Fe in my mind.
- No calls after 10:00.
- What? - No calls after 10:00.
- Oh, uh, Jim, there is one other thing.
- No calls after 10:00?
- The reason Julia tried to fix you up in the first place
is because I need my sleep.
And we figured if you had a girlfriend,
you'd be less likely to call in the middle of the night
because you were busy being caressed with desire.
- I was gonna just call you and say no calls after 10:00,
but then things happened. - Things?
- Thoughts. - Your thoughts?
- Thoughts that led to choices--
bad ones.
- But that's the rule, no calls after 10:00?
- If you don't mind. - No problem.
- Unless it's an emergency. - OK.
- If you got to, you got to. - Thanks.
- Call whenever you want.
- Cool.
- Love you. - Love you.
- Very fond of you. - And you.
Julia? - Yeah.
- Leave the cistern please.
- Right. - Thank you.
- Oh. Hi, everyone.
Um, I didn't realize you were here.
Sophie J. crashed the sleepover.
She smelled like pot, so I left immediately.
Um... [chuckles]
I'm gonna go shower. Uh, don't hug me.
- See that?
Silver lining.
You know, I don't show up tonight,
your daughter walks in on you going Southwest
on the turquoise express.
It's called fate.
- Mm, no, it's not.
- I tried.