.
- Nothing?
- * It's true *
* The marriage that we once had now is through *
* And now we're doing all that we can do *
* To keep us all together as a crew *
* Just do as we say, not as we do *
* We really thought that we were done *
* But we've just begun *
- Has anybody heard from your mother?
- Nope. - I've not.
- Hmm.
I gotta get to the Sons of Liberty reenactment.
I can't be late.
As you may have deduced, the redcoats are coming.
- Something tells me it'll all be OK.
- If Paul Revere doesn't ride, the entire course of history
could be changed.
By breakfast, we could all be subjects of the king.
- I'll take my chances.
- Um, what did you do with my whale oil lantern?
- Oh, sorry.
It's recharging in the hallway.
- Seriously, how do I look?
- Devastating.
Betsy Ross is going to go all wobbly in her petticoats.
- She isn't Betsy Ross yet.
She's still Betsy Griscom, single and available.
And last week at rehearsal, I couldn't tell
if she was flirting with me or Ben Franklin.
- Just ask her for her number.
- Yes, as they would have in 1775.
Oh, I know what this is.
You're upset that I'm dating.
- Dad, I'm thrilled that you're trying to date.
- Good.
I'm glad.
- I might have suggested a clever online profile
or an appealing photo or two, but whatever.
If you're more comfortable with cosplay, God bless.
- Thanks.
Your opinion means a lot to me.
- Truth is, dating gets harder the older you get.
- Oh, it's never easy.
Trust me.
- I do not want to know why you just said that.
- All right, Dad, I turned off the Bluetooth
on your whale-oil lantern so it doesn't start
playing Lil Nas X.
- See? You get it.
Verisimilitude is the backbone of historical fiction.
My DNA is strong with this one.
- Great news.
- Well, I'm going to grab my musket,
and then it's time to throw off the yoke of tyranny.
Taxation without representation?
I don't think so.
Can I rely on you to man the fort, General Washington?
- Man it?
No.
But I can woman it.
- Even better.
Woman it, then, please.
- [laughs]
I'm not even going to ask.
I am looking at you...
[laughing]
Telling myself "I can get through this" without asking.
It's not going to be easy.
- Finished?
- Hold on.
OK.
- Where's Julia? - Oh, she had a work emergency.
- What kind of work emergency?
- She didn't say, and I didn't ask.
- Why not?
- Because she texted, "Don't ask."
- Your marriage just might work.
But listen, I gotta head out, 'cause--
- No, no, no, no, no.
Don't tell me.
'Cause whatever it is, it won't be as good as my imagination.
- Hey, Trey. - Hey, Gracie.
What's up?
- Dad, can I have a sleepover? - Ooh.
I'm off duty.
That's up to your mom.
- Oh, I texted her, but her "do not disturb" is on.
- That's OK.
Your mom's entrusted full responsibility
until she arrives to me.
So as your future stepdad, I say, commence the sleepover.
- Yay!
Thank you, Trey.
- Sleepovers are the best.
- Bold move agreeing to a sleepover without any data.
You don't know how many kids are coming.
You don't know what parents--
- Uh, Grace, I need some data.
How many kids are coming?
- Just Katie.
The Katie I brought to your suite at the Lakers game.
- Oh, I love that Katie.
Do you know that Katie, Jim? - I do.
She's Grace's best friend since kindergarten.
I've met her, conservatively, 9,000 times.
- Hey, Paul, don't you have a midnight ride to get to?
- Oh, my god!
Paul Revere!
[laughs]
Thank God.
I was about to ask for some Crunch Berries.
[laughs]
Aye, aye, Captain.
[upbeat music]
- Mr. Kearney, should be feeling the sedative
take effect in a few minutes.
Just lie back and relax.
- Julia, this is an incredibly nice thing you're doing
for your former father-in-law.
- Oh.
I may be divorced from your son,
but you'll be my kids' grandpa for life,
helping them, spoiling them, losing them in a crowd.
- Hampton Beach is a very complicated beach.
You know, thanks for keeping it a secret from Jim.
If he ever heard I had a kidney stone, he'd be worried sick.
- He loves you very much.
- I blame myself.
Once when he was a kid, I pretended I was dead
for the entire afternoon.
Best nap I ever had.
- Drug's kicking in, Bobby?
- Oh, yeah.
I can't believe I ever judged junkies.
They're on to something.
.
- [laughing] - Okey dokey.
I hope Julia's emergency is short-lived.
Oh, and I've gotta hit the, uh, little patriots room.
Then I will be on my way.
But you got this.
- OK.
[doorbell rings]
Ooh.
[exhales]
Hey, Katie. What's up?
- Hi. - Trey Taylor, remember?
- [chuckles]
Is Grace here?
- Hey, Katie. How's it--
- Hi, Mr. Kearney.
- Katie? - [sobbing]
- What did you guys say to her?
both: Nothing.
- Derek just dumped me.
- OK.
OK, let's go to the kitchen.
- [wailing]
- Sleepovers are the best.
[upbeat music]
* *
- Feeling any better now, Robert?
- Flying high, Doc.
- So to view the kidney stones, we will insert
a camera into your urethra.
- Perfect.
- In my 40 years, this is the first time
I have gotten that reaction.
- Camera in my urethra.
Simple in and out.
Lickety-split.
- Bobby, do you know what the urethra is?
- I don't.
But the doctor was wearing a Rolex, so he must.
- The urethra is the tube that runs from your bladder
to the tip of your...device.
- Device?
What, like my iPhone?
- No, the tip of your-- your unit.
- Unit?
- Your device, your unit, your member?
- I'm sorry.
I was never good at "Pyramid."
- Your penis?
- My penis?
What the hell's he doing down there?
It's a kidney stone, not a penis stone.
Tell that butcher he's gotta find another way in!
- They're all set for you.
- You guys are barbarians!
- We may need a minute.
[upbeat music]
- Hey-hey, Revere.
Where's your outfit?
- I texted my understudy.
He's going to go on.
But it's gonna be a disaster.
He knows nothing about being a silversmith.
Or the needs of a woman like Betsy Ross.
But I cannot leave you alone.
- What are you talking about?
I can handle a sleepover.
You yourself said I got this.
Me got this.
- I said you got that.
Now there's a crying girl involved.
You do not got this.
- So you got this?
- I got this more than you got this.
- Show me what you got.
What are you going to do?
- Nothing.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure I could've done nothing.
- Mm.
But could you do nothing in a strategic manner?
These are young adult women--
people.
So we're going to let them work it out while we monitor.
- We're going to spy on them?
- I prefer the term "compassionate surveillance."
- I look terrible.
- No, you look so beautiful.
- No, I'm hideous.
- It's not true.
You are such a pretty crier.
- Thank you.
- And Derek doesn't know what he's doing.
- He does.
His last text was, "I know what I'm doing."
Why are boys so stupid?
- The universe made them that way to train us.
- It did?
- Yes.
It's trying to build our resilience by preparing us
for all the dumb stuff that men are going to do
when we get older.
- Oh, my god, she's right.
- You gotta help me win him back, Grace.
- No.
That will only make you look weak.
- But I am weak.
- That's not true.
You're stronger than him.
- If I'm strong, why am I crying?
- Because strong people have to cry.
Because cr--crying is brave.
- Since when?
- Since always, but no one's ever told us.
So I'm telling you that you are very
strong to show your emotions.
- Hmm. I need to lay down.
- Uh, I believe these are indigenous to South America.
- Really?
I don't know what you're talking about.
- OK, if we're going to surveil together, you better get wise.
If and when our cover is blown, whatever I say,
you have to go along with.
The rule is "yes, and."
You can't say, "Uh, I have no idea
what you're talking about."
That's how people get killed.
- Got it. Learning as I go.
[door rattling]
What the hell is that? It looks like a boy.
- Did you put him out there?
- Did I put a boy on a balcony?
What kind of question is that?
I've been standing right here next to you.
- Hi, Mr. Kearney.
.
- Um, Derek, this is Trey Taylor.
- Of course.
Hello, Mr. Taylor.
Go, Celts.
- Thank you.
Always nice to meet a fan.
- Easy, Sinatra.
How did you get up here?
- I took the elevator to the roof of the building
next door.
Then I parkoured from the roof over there to your roof.
Then I came down the fire escape to your apartment.
- When you say you parkoured--
- I vaulted.
- You vaulted?
- No Ring cameras out there, Jim?
- No, Trey, there's no Ring cameras out there.
This is the first time Spider-Man
has paid us a visit.
- Is Grace home?
- Oh.
Is that all you wanted to find out?
Seems like an answer you could have got without free-soloing
down our building.
- I can't text her, because I skipped out on
my National Honor Society meeting
and left my phone in the bushes,
so if my parents look me up on Life360,
they'll still think I'm at the school.
- Mm.
Well, thank you for being honest
about your dishonesty, Derek.
- Derek, what-- what are you doing here?
- Grace, can I talk to you in private?
- Why?
So I won't tell Katie that you're
a careless, mean, stupid boy?
Too late.
- I didn't say or do anything mean.
I tried to just be honest about what I felt.
- Honesty. Yeah, that's always the excuse.
Do I really gotta talk to you about this
in front of your dad and the owner of the Celtics?
- Yes, actually. - Bet your little tushy.
- Dad, Trey, could you--could you give us a moment, please?
- Oh. - Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, it's, uh-- it's important to respect,
uh, your space.
- Give the privacy that you deserve.
- Derek, what is going on?
- I broke up with Katie, because I'm in love with you.
- Wait. What?
- I broke up with Katie, because I'm--
- No, don't say it again.
- I've felt this way since the fifth grade,
and I've never had the guts to say it till now.
Thanks for hearing me say it.
I need to go before I get grounded.
- Uh, right here.
See?
Um, it says "refrigerate after opening."
- Yes, and?
Wh-wh-what else does it say, Jim?
- "Use by October 12th."
- Trey, could you get Jimmy to distract Katie
for a few minutes?
- Absolutely.
You got this.
[upbeat music]
* *
- Bobby? Open up.
- I won't! I won't! I won't!
- If your dad thinks urethral entry is scary now,
wait till the drugs wear off.
- Uh, he does think it's scary, and he's not my dad.
And I can think of many other places I'd rather be.
Thousands and thousands and millions of other sentences
I'd rather be speaking than, "Your dink is not in danger!"
[upbeat music]
- Dad, I need your advice.
Derek has been, like, the coolest guy ever
since seventh grade.
Every girl in school has had a crush on him.
He's good at baseball, basketball, soccer.
He's smart.
- Eh...
- Well-- and here's the problem.
He said he likes me, and that's why he came here.
And my head is spinning, 'cause the most popular guy in Boston
just said he likes me.
- Mm.
Tom Brady is kind of popular.
- Dad.
- And you think you might like Derek back?
- Well, you've met him.
Wouldn't you?
- Huh.
Huh.
Hmm.
Isn't this a nice night for your mother
to have a work emergency?
.
- You know what, Bobby?
I regret coming here.
- Why?
- Because you obviously don't really
think that highly of me.
- Of course I do.
- No, you don't, because if you did, you'd take my counsel.
- My dad's stubborn like yours.
- He's not my dad.
I help people in crisis, Bobby.
People pay me to help them when they
are not thinking straight, as you
are not thinking straight now.
And while I don't want and would never accept a penny
from you, I would appreciate the courtesy
of you considering what I have to say,
because I'm about to snap.
I promise you, they do far worse things every year
at the OB/GYN, and you don't hear a word of complaint.
You wouldn't last 10 minutes as a woman.
None of you would.
So I want you to open that door,
suck it up, and spread your urethra to the sunshine.
- Well, when you put it like that--
- Gracie, we're kind of crossing the Rubicon here,
aren't we?
- I don't understand.
- Um, Caesar.
Uh, Julius Caesar.
There was a river, and once he crossed it--
look, all right, this whole teenage romance thing
is not usually my area of expertise.
- Mine, either.
- OK, but if I were to take a stab at it,
um, I think one thing I would say is that, um--
one thing you should be aware of, uh,
is that deep down, uh, all of us are awful people.
- Dad. - No, no, no.
Seriously, I've been working my way
through this observation ever since I was--
well, ever since I was your age.
Um, people are--are awful.
Awful.
I think that's why someone a long, long time ago,
uh, came up with the whole concept of what we call values
to make us think deeply about the consequences
of our being awful.
Values ask us to pause, uh, before taking a flamethrower
to our happiness, to not do selfish, impulsive things,
even though selfish, impulsive choices
sometimes feel fantastic.
- They really do. - Yes.
I know. I know.
Whenever I get the urge to do something
selfish and impulsive, I get all tingly inside.
I--I feel incredibly alive.
And for whatever reasons-- none that make any sense--
we're made to-- to feel these drives
and emotions and feelings that do not
serve us in any way other than to mess up our lives.
- I hate how we're made.
- And it's not all the time,
but right now, uh, what happened
with Derek, an emotional, impulsive, selfish boy--
- He's so special.
- Uh, Grace, I was eavesdropping on your talk
with Katie. - Dad, no.
That's so uncool.
Why would you do that?
- Because I'm awful.
I do foolish, ill-advised, impulsive things,
even though at my age, I should know better.
When my conscience tells me, "Hey, hey, Jim,
don't do that," sometimes I actually say,
"Hey, why don't you take a load off there, Mr. Conscience?
Tonight I'm ride or die with Captain Id."
And I regret it almost every single time.
But--but be that as it may,
I was so proud of what you told Katie to console her.
It just-- it came out of you in seconds,
because it's who you are,
a good friend, a good person
who now finds herself possibly smitten
with a boy who dumped her friend
and who lies to his parents
and who Cirque du Soleil'd his way onto our balcony
just to talk to you.
What would you call behavior like that?
- I don't know.
You tell me, Dad.
- Maybe it's just the act of someone who hasn't necessarily
thought everything through,
like you might want to right now.
- [sighs]
I'm so messed up.
- Uh, pivotal moments always seem to pop up unannounced,
like a zit on the morning of your prom.
You look in the mirror, and you're like, "Oh, come on."
You're at a crossroad.
Or is it "crossroads"?
- It's "crossroads." - Yeah.
- Plural.
- Two roads crossing.
You can only take one.
I'm going to text Derek and tell him I'm not interested.
- Mm, good choice.
Uh, only problem is, he does not have his phone.
His phone is in a bush by the school.
- Oh, so his parents can't track him on Life360?
Smart.
I've done that move.
- What?
- I'm an awful, selfish, impulsive person
sometimes too.
- You get that from me.
- Should I send it now?
- Maybe reread whatever you wrote a couple of times and--
- He can read it when he gets back to the bush.
Oh, and I love you.
Beyond love.
- I love you too.
- [whispers] Hey, you did got this.
[upbeat music]
- Ohh.
- How you feeling, Bobby?
- Stones out?
[stones clattering]
Criminy Dutch!
I had all these stones inside me?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm like a freaking quarry.
Y--you're not going to tell anyone about this, right?
- No, because if I do,
they'd know that I lied about where I've been.
- And the kids will know their grandfather's not the force
of nature they think I am.
But luckily, their mom is.
- When I have to be.
- Any time you need me to go with you to the OB/GYN thing,
just say the word.
- I will never say that word.
- Sorry I was such a baby.
- Ah, you were worse than a baby.
You were a cowardly, candy-ass infant.
- Congratulations, Mr. Kearney.
Your urinary tract is as clear as a bell.
Just try not to ring it for a couple of days.
- Gotcha.
So no "Golden Girls"?
- That's correct.
And sign this.
And as much as we are all going to miss him,
your dad will be good to go.
- He's not--
Yes, of course.
[upbeat music]
You know what?
Uh, why don't you count to 50, then come in?
Otherwise, it'll look too suspicious.
- Got it.
- OK.
- Hey, hon. - Hi, Mom.
- Hey. - Hey, guys.
- So what'd everyone do tonight?
- I had a sleepover with Katie.
- Does Katie know?
- She crashed early.
Long story.
both: Sleepovers are the best. - [laughs]
Everything OK with your work emergency?
- Yeah. - It was good she was there.
I mean, it's always good when she's anywhere.
[chuckles]
- Help us pick a show to watch. - OK.
- Anything but "Golden Girls."
[upbeat music]
Oh, boy. - OK.