.
- What's the damage?
- It's on the house.
- Oh, Dad, I know business has been slow--
- $4.50.
- Keep the change.
- 50¢?
That's your tip?
- Well, yeah, that's, like, 15%.
- It's 11%.
I'm glad I'm not stripping for you.
I'd have to go home with change in my panties.
Warmer.
[bell clanging]
Big tipper here! We got a big tipper!
- * It's true *
* The marriage that we once had now is through *
* And now we're doing all that we can do *
* To keep us all together as a crew *
* Just do as we say, not as we do *
* We really thought that we were done *
* But we've just begun *
[buzzer blares]
- And that's 14 losses in a row
for the Boston Celtics, a terrible losing streak.
Trey Taylor, upset on the sideline.
- Poor Trey.
- Forget Trey. Look around!
This losing streak is bad for my business.
- Maybe if you had a TV that was made this century.
- Who can afford a new TV?
I'm thinking about selling the one I got.
- Whoa, Dad, no one's gonna buy that old TV.
- Hey, before you go.
It's 50 bucks.
Small dent, but it's something.
- Oh, Dad, please, that-- that money wasn't a loan.
It was a gift. I don't need it back.
- Oh! You don't need three grand, Rockefeller?
Must be nice.
I've never been in debt in my life,
and it's weighing on me. Just take it.
- You sold your blood?
- I donated, and they gave me money.
- When you donate something and they give you money,
that's called selling something.
- What else am I gonna do with my blood?
It's just swishing around in my arteries, doing nothing.
- I'm not taking your literal blood money.
- Take it. I wish my body made it faster,
but I can get you more next week.
- Things will turn around.
I-if there's anything I can do, just say the word.
- Now that you mention it,
I need Trey to do me a favor.
- Dad, we can't ask Trey for money.
- I'm not asking for money.
I need him to send a player over here
for a meet and greet.
You said, "Say the word."
- Yeah, but I can't start asking Trey for favors.
- You just now said, "Say the word."
- I should have excluded the words
"Trey," "favor," and "ask."
- It'd be good for him too.
He sends a player over, it creates community goodwill.
It's a win-win.
I'd ask him myself, but I can't go hat in hand.
- But it's okay for me to go hat in hand?
- It's not you asking.
I'm asking.
Just put the words in your mouth,
you go over there, open your mouth,
the words come out, and they're from me.
- Let me think about it. I don't like
mixing family with...family.
- Hey, wait.
That's 3 bucks towards the next 50.
[upbeat rock music]
- Grace, dinner's here!
You're sure you won't stay for a slice?
- Yeah, Dad, you can have some of mine.
- Mm, thanks, but Dad's watching his tummy,
and I'd rather not watch it explode.
- Mom, I just beat these two at Monopoly so bad.
At one point, Dad had to borrow money from me
so he could pay me rent. - What?
- Yes, your daughter's quite the loan shark.
The vig is 20%.
She now owns my blue cashmere sweater.
- So soft.
- When I couldn't pay rent on Marvin Gardens,
she made me bark like a dog.
- Please be kind to each other.
- She's not the person you think she is.
- Yes, I am.
Sit, Jimmy. Sit.
- So how's Trey holding up?
- How do you mean?
- Well, Celtics are in the toilet,
and you consoling him has become a meme.
- He's fine.
You know, but when he gets here,
let's try not to mention the team, okay?
You know, don't say "Celtics,"
"basketball," "basket," or "ball."
Don't say "lose," "lost," "losing," or "loss."
Don't say "dog," "wallet," "keys," or "virginity"--
anything he's lost.
[door closes]
And don't give him any advice.
- The coach has gotta work on basic skills with them.
Shooting drills, passing drills, and conditioning.
- Thank you, Jimmy, but they're all pretty fit.
- Hey, why don't you just get all-new players?
- I'll give that some thought, Grace.
- Why don't you two be kind, go in the living room,
be kind, finish your pizza, be kind.
Hey, hon. - Hi, baby.
- B-T-dubs, loving that beard, bro.
- Thanks, homeslice. Um...
but it's not for style.
It's for good juju.
So no shaving
until we snap this losing streak.
- I wouldn't get too worried about it.
All teams have unlucky stretches.
- And I've been praying every night
that things will turn around.
- Yeah, well, pray extra hard,
because Boston's not happy.
Today, I walked into Dunkin' Donuts,
and they just said, "Nope."
- That shirt is really good on you.
- What do you want?
- Look, you know that I have
never asked you for anything before,
even though I drove you home from your colonoscopy,
which I was glad to do, you know, for you
and your colon.
- Spit it out, Jim.
- Okay.
Business has been slow at my dad's bar,
so he wants you to send a player down
for a meet and greet--but hey, it's a win for you too.
Dad gets a Celtic, and you get community goodwill.
Okay, it's in no way a win for you.
The truth is, last month, I threw my dad
a few grand to cover some bills.
It was a gift, not a loan,
but he insists on paying me back.
It's--it's maddening.
If we were Vikings, I would have
pushed him off a cliff a long time ago.
- Jim, I just don't have the bandwidth.
- Look, my dad has been selling his blood.
And I'm not sure how much blood he even has anymore.
- All right, I guess I could send over Yuri Kobilska.
- There's a Celtic named Kobilska?
Does he come on a roll with mustard?
- He's a new guy, Slovakian.
I was gonna send him back to the G League,
but you know what, I'll keep him one more week
just for you.
- For my dad.
Uh, so his name again was Yuri...
- Kobilska.
- [spits] Done.
.
- That good beard juju kicked in.
Kobilska's led us to eight straight wins.
- Yet still no shaving.
- Obviously, if I shave now, we'd lose again.
I mean, that's Juju 101.
- Syracuse didn't offer a degree in juju.
[mellow rock music]
- Yuri, you dominated tonight--
a triple-double, including 14 assists.
- I think we played well as a team,
but all glory goes to God.
- So Yuri's coming. Dad's gonna have a big night.
It's Linsanity all over again.
- We market tested "Yur-insanity."
It looked better on paper.
* *
We messed with the juju.
- Honey, I'm sorry.
I just wanted to kiss you without getting lacerations.
- Can you not see there's a causal connection
between us losing last night
and me trimming my beard to now resemble an Amish elder?
- Is that thy carriage parked outside?
Because thy horse has pooped.
- It's not funny.
- What's the matter with him?
- Trey thinks the Celtics lost last night
because he trimmed his beard.
- The juju's been disrupted.
- Don't sweat it. It was one game.
- If I would have just left the hair on my face alone,
there was a clear path to a title.
But no, you wanted a kiss.
- I think we're gonna go.
Um, come on, let's get you a donut.
I'm buying. - You're gonna have to buy.
- There's three grand. We're square.
- Wow, you're-- you're pulling in that much?
- Piece of cake!
I got a $20 cover.
Drinks cost double tonight.
It's called dynamic pricing.
You see, son, some people just have a natural business sense.
No matter what ups and downs the economy takes,
they can still turn a buck.
And it happens to be the Kid.
We got a problem.
- Thank God you got that natural business sense, Kid.
- Yuri won't come out of the walk-in cooler.
If he thinks he's gonna get a piece of the action,
he can forget it. - Whoa, whoa, Dad, Dad.
I'll--I'll talk to him. - I'lltalk to him.
I'm not afraid of some 6'3" Slovakian.
- He's 6'11".
- Better you go alone.
* *
- Oh. Hey, there.
Um, hope I'm not interrupting.
Uh, we haven't officially met.
Uh, I'm Jim Kearney.
My dad owns the bar.
Uh, wonder if I could have a quick word with you, Yuri.
Oh, may I call you Yuri?
Your--your fans are really excited to see you.
Uh, they--they love you.
- When I score.
But last night, I blow game.
We lost because of me.
I began to believe those who say,
"Yuri is a baller.
Yuri is the shizzle."
And you see what happened?
I let God down.
- Oh, no, pfft. God's not let down.
God's fine. [chuckles]
God's got other stuff on his mind.
- Before I come to America,
I was studying to become a priest.
But in the seminary intramural league,
I discovered hidden ability to play.
- Uh, I don't know about "hidden."
Uh, you're very tall.
- When I start to have success in NBA,
I lose sight of God.
I have failed.
- Oh, no, no.
You--you didn't fail.
Look, you know, we all-- we all love the big guy.
You know, uh, I mean, he-- he turned water into wine,
and, uh... [strains]
That whole parting of the Red Sea thing,
that was, uh-- that was pretty cool.
Um...
uh, bubonic plague was a misstep.
But he bounced back with the Matterhorn--
both the mountain and the ride.
- God is so amazing.
- Yes, and he gets plenty of praise and attention for it.
Uh, uh, temples, mosques, churches,
Chick-fil-A is closed on Sunday, all for him.
And you honor him too.
Uh, What do you say in your postgame interviews?
- Glory goes to God.
- Yeah, right. So what happens to you
is part of God's plan.
Those free throws you ganked the other night?
That's on him, not you.
- I never think like this way before.
- Well, start thinking like this way, my friend.
It's all a part of his plan.
- You are very wise, Jim Kearney.
Can we speak more about this sometime?
- Uh, sure we can, out there,
uh, after we meet, uh, and greet,
which are, admittedly, the same thing.
Um, so let's get you out there
and meeting your adoring public.
So--oh, oh, goodness. Okay.
Um...
- Even your head is like basketball.
* *
[crowd cheering]
- Who's the Kid now?
- Thank you, son.
- Hey, Yuri, what happened last night?
You were the opposite of clutch.
- I do not like to lose,
but sometimes losing is a part of God's plan.
- But you bricked the two free throws.
That would've made the difference.
- Your math is correct.
My intention is always to score.
But once the ball leaves my hand,
the outcome is not up to me.
So if people do not like the outcome,
people should not blame me.
You should blame God.
.
- Oof! Another Monopoly beatdown, Jimmy.
Pennsylvania Avenue with three houses?
[clicks tongue] Next game, you're gonna owe me a thousand.
- Dad, tell her debts don't carry over to the next game.
- Well, yes, they do.
Unless-- - I'm not barking.
- Jimmy, you're my brother.
I wouldn't make you bark.
Can you roll over?
- Mom.
- Kids, be kind to each other.
One day, your father and I will be dead.
- Such a lovely thought.
- Might we grab you for a little confab in the kitchen?
- Okay, I'll take what money you got,
plus you have to roll over.
- I'm not doing it. - [scoffs]
[baby voice] Who's a good boy?
- Stop. - Who's a good boy?
- I need to have a word with you, bro.
- Why is he looking at me like something is my fault?
- Because something is your fault, Jim.
- Word has gotten out about Mr. Kobilska's comments
last night, and there have been some feelings.
- They're not positive feelings, Jim.
- People are not happy that Yuri threw God under the bus.
- God is already under the bus.
He's everywhere.
- People are protesting outside of TD Garden.
- Who the hell is protesting? - People who believe
that God has been insulted--
and there's a lot of them.
- Well, this is America.
People are entitled to their religious beliefs,
but that stuff has nothing to do with me.
- Oh, really?
Because an hour ago, I asked Mr. Kobilska
how he arrived at the conclusion
that the Lord Almighty is somehow to blame
for his laughable free throw skills...
- And guess what he said?
- "I really should practice my free throws"?
- No, he said he received guidance
from his spiritual advisor.
- I was just trying to get him out of the cooler.
- I should have never agreed to send Yuri!
- You only kept Yuri because I asked for the favor.
Ha! - Ha?
You don't get to "ha" him!
- I'm gonna need to re-borrow.
- Where the hell did you come from?
- From my God-blaming bar,
where people are demanding refunds.
- Refunds? For what?
- That's what I said.
I told 'em, no way I'm paying for beers they already drank.
They threatened to set fire to the building.
So we compromised, and I gave 'em refunds.
I had no choice!
All because this guy's star player
is a God-blaming blasphemer!
- I told Yuri you'd want to counsel him
in his time of strife. - Uh, I'm having
my own time of strife.
I do not want to be repaid, Dad.
You're not allowed to repay me.
- If I have to sell a kidney, you'll get every penny back.
- Nobody wants your 71-year-old kidneys.
- You wish your pee stream was as strong as mine.
I'll put a frozen rope into that sink from right here!
- Please don't.
[doorbell rings]
- All right, Jim, you're up.
- He's here? Why is he here?
- Because there are people protesting
outside of TD Garden!
- What am I supposed to say?
- Oh, bestow your wisdom
about the nature of God and the universe.
- I know next to nothing
about the nature of God and the universe.
I'm a layman.
- Jim, this is impacting Trey's business,
all because your father can't accept your generosity
like a normal human being!
- I'm not gonna take money from my own son!
Well, except this check.
- Listen up, Reverend Jim.
You asked for the favor, and you are going to fix this!
- All right. Here we go.
- Well, well, well.
If it isn't the human hand grenade.
- Not helpful, Dad.
- Mr. Taylor said you wanted to talk to me.
- Yeah. Yeah, I--I--
I think you may have taken something I said yesterday
the wrong way.
- No, I understand completely.
Your message is so simple:
God has a plan.
- Jim, why don't you illuminate us and Mr. Kobilska
about the concept of free will
and how it fits within God's plan?
- Yuri, my clumsy inarticulations
have, uh, led you astray...
my son.
Uh, and as a--a good shepherd,
uh, who tends his flock,
I must bring you back into the--
- Herd.
- Flock.
Each sheep, uh, grows wool,
uh, for-- for making socks and, uh...
- Mittens. - Yes, mittens.
- People need mittens. - Yes.
Uh, and sometimes you--you give your mittens to someone--
a family member, perhaps--
and they think they need to give you those mittens back,
even though you repeatedly-- repeatedly--
tell them you do not want them back.
So you, uh, ask someone who has, uh, an extra sheep
to--to loan you a--a sheep,
uh, so that the aforementioned family member
can gather their own wool,
so they can make their own mittens.
- So we need you, Yuri, to clarify...
- That when you play poorly...
- It's not God's fault.
Does that make sense? - Not really.
- Pray on it, and it will.
- Job 36:11, "If they hear and serve him,
"they will end their days in prosperity
and their years in pleasures."
- I love that one.
- 12 years of Catholic school. [chuckles]
.
[mellow rock music]
- Trey will go first.
A quick statement on behalf of the team,
and then throw it to Mr. Kobilska.
Just read the statement exactly as I wrote it,
and everything will be fine.
- I'm quite nervous.
- I'd like to offer a few words to my disciple--
- No, no, no.
You--I think you've said enough, all right?
You're gonna be fine. This is just a clarification.
That's all-- to finish what you started.
- All right. Go get 'em.
- Hey, how's everybody doing?
Thank you for coming out.
Um, good afternoon.
While the Celtics organization respects religious freedom,
we recognize that there are appropriate times
for its expression.
To that end, Mr. Kobilska has, uh, prepared a statement.
- [clears throat] I wish to apologize
for any offense I have caused to the people of Boston,
America, and around the world.
My intention was never to--
I believe God has a plan.
But up until a few moments ago,
I was uncertain of my part in it.
Then my wise employer, Mr. Taylor,
counseled me to finish what I started.
I believe his message is a message from God.
So today, I am resigning from the Celtics
to return to Slovakia to finish my studies in the seminary.
I wish to thank the Celtics organization
for the opportunity to play.
Glory to God.
[reporters clamoring]
- Man, you really got to watch what you say to this guy.
* *
[buzzer blares]
- And that'll do it.
Miami Heat, 123; Celtics, 102.
And the boys in green have once again found themselves
in the middle of an embarrassing losing streak.
Dear God, could the Celtics have used Kobilska tonight.
- There's another 100--
50 from donating blood,
and another 50 from donating more blood.
I found a workaround, and I gave him a fake ID.
- Okay, we gotta talk about this.
This whole money thing never should've even been a thing.
You know, and it somehow became another thing
that really complicated a bigger thing,
and that was not fun.
Dad, I gave you that money because you're my father,
and what's mine is yours.
Okay. This is a list of all the times
that you paid for stuff that you didn't need to.
- Senior prom, 80;
new snow tires, 250;
parking tickets, 150.
This adds up to three grand?
- On the nose.
- You're a good son.
Three-card monte, 100 bucks? - [chuckles]
- I thought it was 250.
- Pretty sure it was a-- a flat hundred.
Anyway, I just wanted to square our books.
- It was 250.
- Um, well, I'm--I'm saying, you owe me nothing, so...
- That loan I floated you in college,
that was 700, not 500.
- Huh. Memory's a-- a funny thing, isn't it?
So let's just say we're square.
- [chuckles]
That there is an amended total.
- This looks like--
- You owe me 2,110.
- What? - I don't need it right away.
End of the month is fine.
* *