both: Right arm up and elbow bent.
Head roll, shimmy it, and shimmy it.
And step on the bug. Squish it, squish it.
Bitten by a rattlesnake. Wince! Wince!
Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.
Drive to the hospital.
Swerving, swerving.
Slam on the brakes.
Backwards box step.
- Yeah! - Yes!
- Whoo! - [grunts determinedly]
Okay, okay, break time.
Must take a break to not die.
We're doing the annual father-daughter dance,
so we need to-- are you knitting?
Read an article that said hobbies are good for the brain.
Also said to give up bacon and fudge.
But you can't believe everything you read.
Jimmy, car looks great.
Any shot at winning the Pinewood Derby?
Yeah, if nobody else shows up.
Okay, Grace, let's take another--
ah!
- Oh, my God! - Dad, are you okay?
Don't move, don't move, don't move, don't move.
Oh, thank God, the blanket's unharmed.
You can move now, Jim.
I've never seen a human fly like that.
Are you okay, Dad? - Yeah, yeah, I think I am.
It must be the adrenaline.
I don't feel a thing.
Where's my other knitting needle?
Ahh.
[both gasp]
Why did they just gasp?
Uh, no reason.
Nobody gasps just to gasp.
Son, I need you to look at me.
Why, what's happening?
Everything is gonna be okay.
Why wouldn't everything be okay?
No reason. That's why
everything is gonna be okay.
all: Don't sit down!
There's a knitting needle in my butt cheek, isn't there?
[yelps]
No, there isn't.
- * It's true ♪
♪ The marriage that we once had now is through ♪
♪ But now we're doing all that we can do ♪
♪ To keep us all together as a crew ♪
♪ Just do as we say, not as we do ♪
♪ We really thought that we were done ♪
♪ But we've just begun ♪
♪ ♪
Hey, thanks for the help cleaning up the table, kids.
I plugged the hole with a dollop of Polysporin,
and now my tush is good as new.
Look who's here with Chinese.
Got the orange chicken family meal.
Orange, my second favorite chicken flavor after nuggets.
Where's the coffee table?
- I got hit by a car. - What?
Oh, continue.
Anyway, took a little bit of a tumble.
Punctured my old patootie.
But I am confident that by this Friday's father-daughter dance,
that my little moneymaker will be 100%.
Not this Friday night.
This Friday is the Pinewood Derby.
No, that's next Friday.
It's in my phone. See?
Next Friday.
Pretty sure they changed it.
No, they would have sent you home with a memo.
Jimmy, did you leave a memo in your backpack again?
What kind of word is "memo"?
It's short for "memorandum."
What kind of word is "memorandum"?
I believe it's the long version of "memo."
I know, but they're all we got.
When is the last time you emptied this?
Last time I what?
Dad, you got to go to the father-daughter dance.
Grace, I know.
Have I not learned all the moves?
Risked paralysis?
The father-daughter dance is why I'm getting
bitten by rattlesnakes and swerving off the road.
I'm the daughter, you're my father.
There's a dance. We have to go!
This is an unsigned permission slip for the zoo
from two weeks ago.
And you still went?
There's cracks in the system.
Ugh! He's right.
They did change the date of the derby.
I hate this school. - I'm with you, Mom.
You are not without blame, buddy.
Me? They put their trust in a C student.
You're a B student.
I think there's another memo in that bag.
Dad, the dance is our tradition--
a tradition that's about to be over.
I know I messed up,
but the Pinewood Derby is a tradition too.
Dad, you gotta come with me.
All right, I-I realize that you both need Super Dad
to bless you with his presence.
But cloning technology has sadly not kept pace
with the universal need for more me.
So just give me a minute to figure out a plan.
Okay, help.
Uh, okay. Well, why don't I sub in
for Dad at the Pinewood Derby?
Boom, problem solved.
No, not boom.
I can't go with Mom.
Whenever I'm with Mom, everyone calls me...
When I was playing Fortnite last month--
keep in mind, I have a live mic on my headset
that is broadcasting to 45 of my best friends--
Mom bursts in yelling,
"Goo Goo Bear, your bubble bath is ready."
My God, what were you thinking?
I was thinking it was tubby time.
Plus, Mom, Steve Green's dad is always saying
that you're the prettiest mom in the neighborhood.
Oh. Jerry said that?
Hm.
Yeah, Jerry said that.
Jerry says a lot of things.
Grace, why don't I sub in at the dance?
I'm a better dancer than your dad.
Just ask the coffee table.
I'm not going to the father-daughter dance
with my mom. - Why?
Your other classmates go with their moms,
and they think it's cool. - Yeah, if you have two moms
or your dad's in prison, it's cool.
But that's not me. Dad, you decide.
The child that first made you a father
or the other kid?
Other kid?
I am James Patrick Kearney, second of his name.
I cannot and will not choose.
Ethically and philosophically, it would be a mistake
because one of you would not like me.
The more I see how adults make decisions,
the less safe I feel.
So what, we flip a coin?
Ah, the age-old tiebreaker. Jimmy, call it.
Give me the nickel off the car. - Heads.
I'm not flipping it. The losing kid
will just blame me for how I flipped.
The blame is never on the flipper, it's on the caller.
Why? The responsibility is just
as much on the flipper as the caller.
- She's got a point. - That's legit.
No, no, no, the caller has two choices, heads or tails.
If Jimmy picks the wrong one, then the blame lies with him.
But the flipper is the last person to touch the coin.
That's when the questions begin.
How high did the flipper toss? How fast did the flipper flip?
The flipper holds the fate of the flip in their hands.
The flipper has all the blame.
Trey, we need you to flip a coin.
Jimmy Jr.'s already called heads.
We need an impartial flipper to flip in a way
that is free of conscious or unconscious flipper bias.
How could a flipper flip with bias?
Velocity, trajectory, phalange, finesse.
I've studied magic, so I know.
I am not surprised.
Did you know that coin flipping actually began
during the Roman Empire when they had to decide
who was going to be castrated?
The term eunuch comes--
both: Flip it!
- Tails. - Yes!
I'm gonna go try on my dress.
That's what the losers used to say in Rome.
We're gonna need more orange chicken.
- You spilled it? - I ate it.
You ate the whole thing? It was a family size.
I'm family.
I'm really sorry about missing
the Pinewood Derby, buddy.
This is a ridiculous way to parent.
Ridiculous!
- Did I mess this up? - No. He messed this up.
Do you have any idea how many times
we've told him to empty his backpack?
Well, is there anything I can do?
I feel responsible.
Well, you should. You're the flipper.
If you'd stayed in the kitchen, none of this would've happened.
Hey, kid. Sorry it didn't go your way.
I'm sorry I reacted the way I did.
No, I get it. I totally get it.
I mean, I enjoyed going to the Pinewood Derby with my dad.
I really loved that bonding time.
Yeah, it's fun.
I mean, we make a whole night out of it.
First we lose, then we go to Mike's Pastry,
and the whole time we're laughing.
I love me some Mike's Pastry. [chuckles]
You know, um,
you'd probably do better if you polished your axle
and checked your alignment.
When I was a scout, we studied woodworking,
we studied aerodynamics, weight transfer.
We had this thing down to a science.
Will you go to the Derby with me instead of my mom?
Dude, your mom's gonna kill it.
She's in the kitchen scouring the web for ways to win.
Well, she should scour your head.
Please? You're my stepdad.
I mean, future stepdad.
I-I will be your stepdad.
Unless, um--
how are you and Mom getting along lately?
We're good.
Why, you heard something?
Dude, you think she'd tell me?
I thought my parents had a good marriage.
Talk to her.
Fingers crossed for the Derby and your engagement.
The engagement's solid. Let me go work on the Derby.
[soft rock music]
♪ ♪
Pro tip, always include the words "Pinewood Derby"
when you Google "which lubricant gives you
the most bang for your buck?"
Also, "wood derby" by itself
will return some very disturbing images.
We gotta bring back shame.
Are you okay?
Yeah, um,
Jimmy Jr. just called me his future stepdad.
Emotions just kind of snuck up on me like a burp.
He wants me to take him to the Derby.
Instead of me?
Yeah, but it's only 'cause I'm an Eagle Scout.
Oh, yeah, of course.
- So you won't feel hurt? - Far from.
- Cast aside or iced out? - Nope.
- Taken for granted? - I don't think in those terms.
You're amazing.
[laughs] By the way,
I think your Eagle Scout thing is super hot.
That might be the first time those words were ever spoken.
[laughs]
♪ ♪
This is when you really miss coffee tables.
Where's Dad?
Went to go pick up his tux.
Oh, my God, I can't get over how good you look.
Let me get a few pictures.
Mom, enough, please.
I'm the most documented child in captivity.
Hey, future stepdad.
- Big night. - Jimmy, Trey's here.
You're gonna do great, okay?
Just remember the basics. Favorite place to eat?
7-Eleven. Two Big Bites,
blue Takis, Code Red Mountain Dew,
and family-sized pack of Sour Patch Kids.
And if he then gets sick in the car?
Ginger ale.
Really sick?
Backup ginger ale.
An Eagle Scout is always prepared.
Yep.
[cell phone rings]
Jim, where are you?
I'm stuck.
What do you mean you're stuck?
The green line is stuck.
- Are you on the green line? - No, Julia.
I'm updating you on an unrelated track closure.
Yes, I'm on the green line, and I'm stuck!
And desperately clinging to a single bar of service.
Dad, the dance starts in an hour.
I told the engineer that.
But like this train, he was unmoved.
I'll go to the dance.
We'll say your father is in prison.
We can brainstorm about why on the way.
No, no, no, no! I'm innocent.
I-I'm gonna make it, Grace. You hear me?
Grandpa is on his way to escort you there,
and I will arrive before the last dance, I promise.
There are some old dads there on their third wives,
so I guess Grandpa won't stand out.
Um, he's not gonna wear his powder blue tuxedo, is he?
Oh, no, that's just for weddings and funerals.
He'll be there any second.
Can I have your attention, please?
Could the guy in the back who's standing up on the seat
please get his dirty sneakers off the seat?
♪ ♪
You're deliberately going the long way to jack up the fare!
I'm using Waze.
Yeah, ways to cheat me out of my hard-earned dough!
Trust me, I want you out of my cab as soon as possible.
You should have taken Storrow Drive,
you rip-off artist.
I didn't take Storrow 'cause I knew there was an accident.
How? We didn't even try it.
I told you, I got Waze.
Oh, you got ways, huh?
I got ways to deal with bums like you.
Pull over!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you owe me $12.50.
Not a chance, you crook!
This looks like it's worth $12.50,
you Bobby Vinton wannabe.
Not my knitting bag.
A crooked cabdriver just robbed me.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
Yeah, he only got my knitting bag.
And my wallet was in the bag.
I'll send an Uber. Give me your address.
I'm on the corner of walk and don't walk.
Forget it. I'll hail another cab
and just ditch the fare when I'm close.
See you soon.
Grace, I'm not bullish on Grandpa's chances.
We may need a Plan B.
Isn't it, like, Plan G at this point?
I may be your best bet.
I've got the perfect dress.
Mom, it's not that I don't want to go with you.
It's that I don't want you to go with me.
Trey, will you take me?
To the father-daughter dance?
Yeah, you're kind of like my other father.
Stepfather--stepfather-to-be.
- They're both saying it now. - I know.
Keep it together, big guy.
Grace, Trey already promised to go to the Derby.
It wouldn't be fair to Jimmy.
What wouldn't be fair to Jimmy this time?
Well, your father is stuck in the subway,
and Grace asked Trey to take her to the dance.
But I know how much you're looking forward
to Trey taking you to the Derby.
Even though I've done a lot of research,
and I know that if we swap out
the steel axle for the graphite,
we can achieve a significant reduction in friction.
I'm just saying.
Wow. I don't know so many of those words.
What would you rather do?
It's up to you, Jimmy.
So this is what power feels like, huh?
I like it.
I like it a lot.
- Jimmy, I re-- - [shushes]
Okay, fine. I'll take Mom.
But I want the bigger bedroom.
And I want to be an only child,
but there are laws that prevent me
from making that dream come true.
Then I win the next five arguments we have.
- Four. - Five.
Okay, you win. You have four left.
Trey, let's go!
I promise not to call you Goo Goo Bear.
We can only hope.
Babe, I'm not dressed for it.
I studied up on Jimmy Jr., not Grace.
I know the TikTok song, not the dance.
Go by your place and pick up a suit.
Just dance with her in a way that won't embarrass her
or you'll--what am I saying?
She usually goes to this thing with Jim.
You're good.
[cell phone rings]
You moving?
Uh, I am.
However, my train is not. Did my dad show up?
Your dad got his wallet stolen by a cabbie.
Apparently-- - I don't want to know.
So Grace had to go with Trey.
Wha--no, no, Grace can't go
to the father-daughter dance without me.
People will think I bailed on her.
But you didn't; you just chose the wrong train.
Wait, no, h-how is this my fault?
I'm not driving the train. I'm merely a rider.
Yes, I've heard news of budget cuts.
But I expected basic functionality.
Ah, so the rider did pick the train,
and the rider did fail to plan for unforeseen circumstances,
so the rider did, in fact, choose his own destiny!
I will not be flipped down that rabbit hole again.
I will get to the dance no matter what occurs.
[singsongy] Pinewood Derby, let's go.
Let's go, Jimmy, let's go!
Pinewood Derby, let's go. Oh!
Gracie, let's go!
I ditched the cabbie at a red light two blocks away.
Oh, sorry, Bobby. Grace already left with Trey
to the dance and Jimmy Jr. and I are off to the Derby.
Ah, the Pinewood Derby.
I used to love going with Jim.
I guess I could go with little Jimmy next year.
You know what they say. Grandparents live forever.
Jimmy, you're going with your grandfather.
[soft rock music]
Uh, Grace, it's Dad.
Pointlessly leaving you a voicemail
to which you will never listen.
I am so sorry I'm not at the dance yet.
I know you're having no fun without me.
But I promise you, I am on my way,
because there is nothing on this Earth
that will keep me from--rat!
Rat! Rat! [rat squeaking]
Good lord, look at the size of that thing.
I'm on my way. Don't dance without me.
[train horn blasts]
Here we go, Grace, let's see if I can keep up with you.
[jazzy swing music playing]
♪ ♪
Elbow bent, and shoulder, shoulder, shimmy it--
- Dad, you made it! - Oh.
- Hey, Jim. - Hey, Trey.
Did you know Trey knew how to swing dance?
I didn't even know you knew how to swing dance.
- She's a natural. - And he's a natural coach.
[music ends]
[cheers and applause]
Super, super.
Do you want to step on the bug now?
Hey, DJ, play "Snake Bite Emergency," okay?
Actually, do you mind if I do one more dance with Trey?
Oh. Yeah, yeah, of course. Go--go ahead.
I should probably go freshen up in the men's room anyway.
A lot of subway soot in my lungs
I should probably cough up,
along with a smidgen of rat dander.
Ow! Ow.
Oh, man.
Happened again. I pulled a hamstring.
Swinging too strong.
Go get 'em, Kearneys!
- Uh-- - DJ, hit it!
- Maybe I should stretch first. - No time, Dad. Let's go.
[whispers] Trey.
[mouths words]
[upbeat dance music playing]
both: Left arm up and elbow bent
and shoulder shrug.
And shimmy it, shimmy it.
Right arm up and elbow bent.
Head roll. Shimmy it, shimmy it.
Step on the bug.
♪ ♪
And while pretending to pull my hammy,
I almost did pull my hammy.
Thanks for stepping up tonight.
Oh, it was fun to step in.
Then Jim showed up, and I stepped back.
Yep, that's being a parent.
Sacrifice, sucking it up, stepping back.
Hm.
And you're sure you're all right with all of this?
Dude, I'm a battle-tested tournament-tough warhorse mom.
What does that mean?
[chuckles] It means that I'm immune
to getting my feelings hurt by children,
because I have to be as a parent.
These are kids. Every day is like this,
except for the first two hours of Mother's Day.
First two hours? That's all you get?
What do you do the rest of the day?
It's just managing the fallout
from breakfast in bed--
scrubbing the syrup out of your sheets,
rinsing the coffee stains out of your robe.
Luckily, your children have gotten you a brand-new robe
to replace the old new robe they gave you for Christmas.
Mother's Day is the dirtiest trick the devil ever played.
My mom says she loves it.
Your mom is a great liar.
Look, you've already learned
the biggest lesson of parenting:
when you feel left out, you gotta shut up and limp off
because their feelings come first.
Besides, it's not so bad.
And they always come back to you.
[door opens] Sometimes sooner than you want.
Hello!
- Mom, we had the best time. - Oh, good.
The bug squishing dance had a lot of steps
to keep track of, so Grace taught me
some swing moves that she learned from Trey.
Bravo, Trey.
Yeah, you know, I picked it up at prep school
for the Friday night socials
we had with the girls' school across the lake.
Mm, how lovely.
As a public school kid, every other Tuesday,
I would get beaten senseless by the McGrath twins.
Bob held and Betsy punched.
[laughs]
Hey, hey, hey!
New record in the books. Fourth place!
[all cheer] - Whoa! Whoa!
That's my boy.
I never did better than tenth.
Evolution in action.
It was fun, Jimmy.
But I got a cab waiting.
Found a cabbie who didn't know my reputation.
Until the next Kearney family fiasco!
Uh, kids, I will plan on you ignoring my calls and texts
until you need something. Love you.
- Love you. - You're the best.
- Thank you. - They were talking to me.
I didn't hear 'em say "Dad."
Jimmy, you want some ice cream?
- Always. - Chocolate or strawberry?
Uh, strawberry.
Chocolate.
- Strawberry. - Fine, strawberry.
You only have three more wins in your account.
Man, why are girls so smart?
Oh, and Trey, thanks for the pep talk before the Derby.
It helped a lot.
You're gonna be a great stepdad.
[sniffles]
Are you welling up?
[tearfully] I can't look at you yet.
Come here.
[laughs]