[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Oh.
Oh, thank God you guys are on time.
I gotta pick up my car before the mechanic closes.
Uh, the kids are alive.
Uh, the hallway toilet is clogged,
but I had nothing to do with it.
Please stand aside.
Can we ask you a quick question before you go?
Asking me if you can ask me
is already less quick than just asking me.
OK, but saying all of that
is less quick than just saying yes.
Please, just ask me the quick question.
Are Trey and I right for each other?
[sighs]
- * It's true ♪
♪ The marriage that we once had now is through ♪
♪ And now we're doing all that we can do ♪
♪ To keep us all together as a crew ♪
♪ Just do as we say, not as we do ♪
♪ We really thought that we were done ♪
♪ But we've just begun ♪
What do you mean, are you right for each other?
It just seems like a good thing to know
before we get married, you know?
Or maybe even before you got engaged.
Well, obviously we wholeheartedly believe
we are right for each other.
We just--we want to be sure.
"Wholeheartedly" means sure.
Whole heart.
No heart remaining for unsure.
- We want to do a pre-Cana. - Yeah.
Julia explained to me what a pre-Cana is.
It's the Catholic Church's version
of premarital counseling.
Mm. Lifetime Catholic, Trey.
No explanation necessary.
If a pre-Cana is what you want, then good for you.
Knock yourselves out.
Go get 'em. Break a leg.
Or as Catholics rarely say, mazel tov.
Well, uh, we can't do an official pre-Cana
because we can't have a church wedding
because as you know, the church
doesn't recognize divorce.
Mm. Well, what can I say?
You should have read the fine print.
Well, uh, we want someone to give us
an unofficial pre-Cana that's just as effective
as the real thing.
Pfft, what poor bastard would agree to that?
N-no. No. No.
Are you kid--no!
Don't you want us to have the best chance
for a happy marriage?
Mm, absolutely.
But just in case, I will be in a fortified bunker.
Jim, what about the children?
There's room in the bunker for them too.
Look, this marriage has to stick for their sake.
That's right, one divorce can play havoc
on the next generation's psyche, but two?
That's like growing up in an Adele song.
Look, you are the perfect person to do this.
Nobody knows better than you what it's like
to be married to me.
But I think it's better if I take that information
to my grave.
Nobody knows what better questions to ask,
what the surprises might be, what irritants could be hiding
in unlabeled containers.
Uh, yeah.
I mean, haven't you ever wondered
what might have happened if you and I had done a pre-Cana?
I have not.
I have always told myself that our divorce
was as inevitable as the sunrise,
and my self has never argued.
Wait a minute, you guys never did a pre-Cana?
You didn't know that?
Well, there's a lot we don't know,
which is why we gotta do a pre-Cana.
We skipped our pre-Cana. We signed up, but we didn't go.
We didn't think we needed it.
We thought we knew everything.
- We were wrong. - So wrong.
- We knew nothing. - Nothing.
That's blood under the bridge.
And some lymph.
But I must admit that a pre-Cana
might have been a good idea.
Is that a yes?
- Not yet. - [groans]
If I were to do this, if I were to go violently and stupidly
against my better judgment,
I would need a few days to do thorough research.
By all means.
- Is that a yes? - Not yet.
We would all have to agree to take this very seriously.
Absolutely.
We're all stakeholders in this outcome.
- Is that a yes? - Not yet.
I will pull no punches, and you two must promise
to be scrupulously honest.
- We will be. - This can't be just a gloss.
Your pre-Cana cannot be pro forma.
Just say it's a yes, Jim.
It is the absence...
of a no.
I can't imagine why you two ever split up.
Let me just say, I think this pre-Cana is a great idea.
One train wreck per lifetime should be everyone's limit.
Mm.
Our marriage was not a train wreck, Dad.
We simply chose to change trains at "Oh, my God,
we made a terrible mistake" station.
You guys are gonna crush this.
And make sure you do, because we don't want
to have to break in a new guy.
That's a joke.
My God, you guys act like I wasn't raised by you.
If it snows, put on your hats, please.
Oh, that's what those are for.
A wedding is a day, but a marriage is a lifetime.
Theoretically. Not in our case.
Welcome, Julia and Trey, to your bootleg,
discount pre-Cana.
Speaking as your friend, it is my fervent hope
that you will sail through with flying colors.
But speaking as your pre-Cana proctor,
I must now drill down and probe deeply
into the recesses of your compatibility,
becoming, if you will, your "proctorologist."
Before we begin, let us bow our heads and pray.
OK. yes.
Dear God, get us through this in one piece.
OK.
Now, we are going to divide our exercises today
into three segments: the past, the present, and the future.
First up, the past.
Please stand back-to-back.
- Oh, gladly. - Yes.
Now, each time you discover something you did not know,
please take a big, healthy step away from your betrothed.
- Roger. - Got it.
- Julia... - Mm-hmm.
Where did Trey go to college?
MIT.
Sorry.
Trey, how old was Julia when she spoke her first words?
2 1/2.
Which was late, but she more than made up for it.
- So far, so good. - Yeah, we're doing great.
Mm, uh-huh.
Julia, did you know that Trey played
the role of Mary Poppins in his prep school's
production of the musical?
No.
Well, it was an all-boys school, and I was 11,
so the songs were in my vocal range.
Wow, you did your research.
Strap in, Mary, 'cause we're just getting started.
Actually, it was Marty.
Marty Poppins?
Mm.
Uh, Julia? - Oh, sorry, yeah.
Um, Trey, did you know that there was once
a bench warrant out for Julia's arrest?
- No. - Skinny-dipping.
Sue me. - Yes, you got it.
Julia, did you know that Trey's nickname growing up
was Smarty Pants Punch Him in the Face?
[laughs] I did not.
Mm, perhaps the least surprising
of today's revelations.
Trey, did you know that Julia once
egged her neighbor's house the night before Halloween?
Well, teenagers do stupid things.
She was 35.
- I was 34. - Mm.
Julia, did you know that Trey lost
the National Spelling Bee on a two-syllable word?
The word was "fuchsia,"
and that little sucker's full of surprises.
Trey, did you know that once, while on holiday
in the South of France, Julia--
Jim, no!
Julia pooped her pants
and abandoned them in a field of cabbage?
Oh, you promised me that you would take that to your grave.
Oh, I will.
I will that all the way to the glorious hereafter.
I will never not be able to take that.
Cut me some slack.
It's all day long with the cheese in that country.
Babe, I love you.
I'ma take three steps on that one, though.
Which puts you in the hallway and Julia in the kitchen.
And what does that tell us?
These things that we've uncovered so far,
they may seem inconsequential,
but when taken in the aggregate, uh,
they are a canary in a coal mine,
a canary that is saying, awk, you may not know each other
as well as you think.
Brack!
That sounds like a parrot.
I don't know, Jim. This is kind of fun.
Why do people say this is so hard?
Ah, a couple that is confident and curious.
Pre-Cana has you just where it wants you.
Can I come back in the apartment now?
Yes.
And now...
[laughter]
Pre-Cana segment 2, the present,
in which we will play
"The Prospective Newlywed Game."
[trumpet playing Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"]
♪ ♪
I've asked you each to predict your fiancé's answer
to a series of questions, and then I've written
those predictions down on the cards you hold in your lap.
Every time your predictions match your beloved's answers,
you'll score points.
Should we answer in question form, Jim?
No, Trey. That's "Jeopardy!"
You may be in jeopardy, but you're not on it.
[laughs]
We understand, and we are loving this experience.
- Yes. - Good.
Now, let's begin, please,
because polyester suits
don't so much breathe as asphyxiate.
Julia, how many times a day did Trey say he thinks about sex?
Was it: A, 5 to 10 times a day;
B, more than 10 times a day;
or, C, way more than 10 times a day?
I will say that he thinks about sex
5 to 10 times a day, Jim.
Trey, hold up your card, please.
[gasps]
250 times a day.
That wasn't even one of the choices.
How did you come up with that number?
Uh, two days ago, I gave him one of those click counters.
Yeah, and, uh, every time I think about sex, I click it.
[counter clicks]
Did you just think about sex?
I sure did. [counter clicks]
Why don't you read a book?
Read a great one last night.
[counter clicks]
Next question.
Julia, which of the two of you
did Trey say was more romantic?
Oh, that's easy. He said Julia.
Trey?
He said Trey.
- Really? - Yeah.
OK, if you are the more romantic,
make up a love song about me right now and sing it.
No problem.
Right now? - Yeah.
[clears throat]
[chuckles]
♪ Trey ♪
♪ I really gotta say ♪
♪ That I am way ♪
♪ More romantic ♪
That's terrible.
Well, look, it's--it's hard. It's hard.
Is it? Really? [clears throat]
[snapping rhythmically]
♪ You are the perfect person for me ♪
♪ The only one I can see ♪
♪ You're where I wanna be, Julia ♪
All right, all right.
- * I am ♪ - * Uh-huh ♪
♪ The perfect person for you ♪
- * Uh-huh ♪ - * If you were ever untrue ♪
♪ I don't know what I would do ♪
♪ Julia ♪ - * Wah-wah ♪
- ♪ Julia-a-a ♪ - * Wah-wah ♪
- * Oh, yeah, Julia ♪ - [laughs]
Just saying.
[laughs]
And we are cooking with gas.
Next question.
Trey, what did Julia say
was her most repulsive personal habit?
Well, that's a layup, because Julia said
she has no repulsive personal habits because she doesn't.
How do you feel about a terrible
eustachian tube hocking noise?
- A what, now? - Oh. [clears throat]
I have a small hole in my Eustachian tube
that sometimes itches really badly,
and I can only relieve it by making a certain,
uh, small--a noise.
- What kind of noise? - Oh, it's nothing.
Julia, would you make the noise, please?
- [hocking raspingly] - Mm.
Mm.
[hocking continues]
- Oh, my God. - Well, look, I only do it
when no one else is around.
When she thinks no one else is around.
Have you been to a doctor?
I think you need to see a doctor.
Doctors say nothing can be done.
How about an exorcist?
They won't see me because I'm divorced.
Quick check of the scoreboard.
Uh, you are the only competitors,
and yet you are losing.
Next question.
Julia, what fictional character did Trey say
he'd most like to make whoopee with?
Oh, oh, this one I know because he told me.
- I did? - Yes.
On our first date, I said mine was Sir Lancelot,
and you said, oh, what a coincidence
because yours was Lady Guinevere.
- I said Lady Guinevere? - Yes.
Yes, and--and that was the moment I thought,
this is meant to be.
I mean, this is a man that I could love.
Trey, turn over your card, please.
I'd really rather not.
Trey.
Lola Bunny...
From "Space Jam."
What? She's hot. [counter clicks]
I can't believe you said Guinevere
when you didn't mean Guinevere.
I can't believe you're fixated
on some stupid thing I said on our first date
when I was trying to get into...
your life.
Well, I can't believe you thought there would have been
a second date if it didn't matter, the things
we said on our first date. - Are you kidding me?
You told me you loved basketball on our first date.
I do love... elements of it.
I--I love the songs that they play during the time-outs.
I--I love the T-shirt cannons. I love the kiss cam.
I love the halftime show with the cheerleaders
dancing in their cute little outfits.
So help me, if you click that thing again.
Are we having a fight?
Yeah, I think we are.
[trumpet playing Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"]
Friends, that's all we have time for.
I hope you'll join us again in a few minutes
for segment 3, the future.
Steady as she goes, Julia.
Here in segment 3, the future,
this "Jenga" tower is a metaphor for your marriage.
Each time either one of you answer false
to any of my questions,
you'll have to remove another block.
I know. I know.
Ha-ha.
True or false?
I have no problem with the idea that my spouse
is the very last person with whom
I will ever, ever, ever have sex.
I am just fine with that.
I'll enjoy having sex with my spouse and only my spouse
over and over and over and over and over again
until everything else in the universe is dead.
both: True.
Over and over...
- I got it. - And over--OK.
True or false?
I am willing to move far away from Boston
for my spouse's sake.
True.
Wha--would that be after the kids
have grown and left the nest?
Mm, sorry, but as a responsible pre-Cana proctor,
I can only reread the question, which is, again--
False.
Please take another piece out of your marriage.
Absolutely no pressure.
Now, true or false?
If my spouse were rendered brain-dead,
I would unplug him or her without their previous consent.
Who would answer that question without more detail?
Who would answer the question
"Do you take this woman for your wedded wife?"
without more detail?
For example, uh, would she kill you
just because you couldn't blink?
False. Fine, false. False.
False.
Trey--or, if I may, Godzilla,
Tokyo awaits.
[grunts]
Oh.
Oh, oh, a little tremor there, I thought.
Uh, but, you know, somehow the, uh--the tower clings to life.
True or false?
I would like to have children with my spouse.
True.
Don't you?
Oh. Oh, wait a minute.
You--you guys never discussed this?
You covered the Knights of the Round Table but not this?
I guess I always assumed we'd try, at least.
And I guess I assumed you understood
that I was done with people plopping out of me.
This is a thing.
Uh, Julia, um...
I know, Jim.
[blocks clatter]
Oh, the humanity.
You're loving this, aren't you?
What?
You've taken obvious glee in it from the start.
Obvious Schadenfreude.
Oh, oh, we're breaking out the German now?
Because it's the perfect word
for someone who enjoys other people's pain.
Well, I know a little German myself, pal.
I know "good morning"
and "Frederick Street train station."
Schadenfreude, Schadenfreude, Schadenfreude.
Guten Morgen.
Bahnhof Friedrichstrasse.
Why do I even bother with you?
You picked me for this.
I did what you asked me.
I--I--I put your relationship to a stress test.
You know, like they do with airplanes
before they make them fly?
But it's not my fault that the wings snapped off,
the engine caught fire, and the rest of it
slammed into a mountain.
Well, where does that leave us?
Dead but wiser?
I take it back. I take back what I said.
I can see exactly why you two broke up.
Because Jim is so Jim.
No, that's not why we broke up.
- Thank you. - I mean, it didn't help,
but it's--it's not the reason.
You know, we broke up because we weren't prepared.
For what?
For what happens in the natural course of things.
Believe it or not, Jim and I were once in love too.
You don't have to make it sound like science fiction.
But we didn't know how to keep our marriage
thriving when, you know--
When the--the blissful fog of early love gave way
to the spirit-sucking, mind-numbing sameness of, uh,
actual married life.
Let's just say things changed, and we panicked.
And then we thought that getting married
must have been a mistake.
And then you start treating each other that way,
and then it's too late.
Uh, the truth is, most of the little things
that came out today, the--the eustachian tubes
and the Lola Bunnies, they're not the problem.
Although they're strange and disturbing.
Uh, I mean, I didn't have a--a Lola Bunny.
I was more of a Heather Locklear guy.
She had that hair that kind of framed her face
and those, uh, one-piece bathing suits.
Trey, where did you put that clicker?
When Jim first heard the throat noise,
it was early days, and he liked it.
"Liked" is a strong word.
He thought it was all part of the charm.
Yeah. I--I did.
But later on, that's the kind of thing you point to.
Over your shoulder, as you're running away at top speed.
The narcotic haze falls away for everybody.
I mean, believe it or not, at some point,
there will come a day when the only time you and I
are gonna want to see each other naked
is to check for melanomas.
Well, what happens then?
Well, first of all, you check for melanomas.
What happens is that this time,
I'll know that it's normal.
Do you trust me to know what to do when that day comes,
to--to know that it's just the end of the beginning,
not the beginning of the end?
Julia, I trust you with everything.
If it turned out that we didn't have kids,
would that be a deal-breaker?
[cell phone ringing] - Oh.
Sorry, sorry. That's me.
Sorry. Mm. Sorry.
[groans]
Um, sorry, uh, comma, uh, I'm in a meeting, comma.
uh, I'll call you later, period.
Oh, uh, regards to Trisha, exclamation point.
Send.
Hey.
There are no deal-breakers.
I'm marrying you.
- Jim? - Um, do you need the room?
[chuckles] No, I just--
I want to say thank you.
- Yeah, danke, Jim. - Oh.
Schniedelwutz.
What does-- what does that mean?
I don't know. Somebody yelled it at me.
But I--I just want to say that, uh,
I think it's really gutsy, what you guys did,
and I'm really happy for you.
And I think it's--it's given me hope for myself, you know,
that maybe someday I might--
- [hocking raspingly] - Oh, my.
[hocking continues]
Oh, wait, uh, I almost forgot.
Uh, in lieu of your official pre-Cana certificate,
a grand prize, chosen especially for you.
You can put it on a mantelpiece...
- [gasps] - Or on an adult cake.
[laughs] Oh, Jim.
They got my complexion right.
[laughs]
- Come here. - Aw.
[moans]
Aw. OK.
Mm-hmm.
Very nice.
Yes, it is.
- Weird now. - Oh.
[chuckles]