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Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.
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00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:20,936
The producers of Spitting Image
have very kindly
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00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,456
offered me a chance to speak
directly to you, the public.
4
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:25,936
"Come down," they said.
5
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,936
"Sit right there in that chair,"
they said,
6
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,296
"and hold you head just like this."
So, I...
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00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,456
Urgh!
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00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,936
Melania, wake up.
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00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,936
I need help with this tweet.
10
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,936
Urgh, for the last time!
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00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,936
There's only two Fs in covfefe.
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00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,976
Now, put that away and go to sleep.
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00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,616
I can't. I have to retweet
five fake stories,
14
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:46,936
deny one real one,
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00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,936
and call Meghan Markle an idiot.
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00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,456
Can't someone else do it?
But who?
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00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,800
Who could really capture my style
and swagger?
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00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:56,776
Got it!
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00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:57,936
Oh, no...
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00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,776
..not that asshole.
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00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,936
HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS
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00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,936
SQUEAKING AND POPPING
23
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,800
HE STRAINS
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00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,936
KEYBOARD TAPS
25
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,936
Good boy.
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00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,936
I say this,
it spells better than you.
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TWEET SENDING TONE
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TAPPING
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00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:20,936
TEXT ALERT
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Doesn't that asshole ever sleep?
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My family or yours?
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00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,936
Dom, I've been looking at the speech
that you've written.
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Rather harsh, you know,
a bit of a sledgehammer.
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00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,976
I'm not sure about starting,
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00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,936
"Attention, you the underclass."
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00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:41,936
Yes, we should cut the niceties
and get straight to,
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"Sacrifice yourself
for the good of the hive."
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And by "hive", you mean...?
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00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,960
I mean, future of the hive...
I mean, country.
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00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,936
Are you dissatisfied with me?
Perhaps you would like to fire me.
41
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,936
I don't think
that will be necessary.
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00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,936
I thought not.
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00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,456
BABY GURGLES
44
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,936
So, this is what you call a baby?
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00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,936
Ah, yes. It looks delicious.
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00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,616
May I eat it?
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00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:07,936
Ha-ha, jolly good.
48
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,136
'Fraid not,
Carrie would be furious.
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00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:12,936
Then I shall not do that.
50
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
Instead, I shall eat
some of your Earth snacks.
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00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,960
SNUFFLING AND SQUELCHING
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00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:21,936
Ah, good-oh.
53
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,136
Now, you write,
"Composting the drones
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00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,936
"will ensure the survival
of the elite."
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00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:27,937
Is there a problem?
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00:02:27,961 --> 00:02:31,936
Well, it's more of a Cameron/Osborne
type of policy.
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00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,936
It is not Liberal or Conservative,
it is basic hive maintenance.
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00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,936
Yeah, I just want it
a bit more sunlit uplands,
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00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,456
Pimm's in deckchairs,
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00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,936
and a bit less vaporising strikers
with death rays.
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EERIE PULSATING NOISE
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00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,936
I didn't come all the way
from Epsilon 5,
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00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,936
I mean Durham, to write a speech
with no death rays.
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00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,936
Perhaps you would like to fire me?
65
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,936
Oh, I don't think
that will be necessary.
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00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,936
I thought not.
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00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,936
I have consumed my snack.
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00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,936
Are you sure I can't eat the baby?
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00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,936
Yes,
I'm sure you can't eat the baby.
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00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,936
EERIE PULSATING NOISE
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00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,936
If I did, would you fire me?
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00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,936
Er, you know,
I don't think that's necessary.
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00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,936
HE MURMURS
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00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,960
And now the weather forecast
with Greta Thunberg.
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HOT!
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00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,960
That was the weather
with Greta Thunberg.
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00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,296
Welcome to Case Western
Health Center,
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00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,936
the finest venue in America
for this debate,
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00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:36,937
since it's a geriatric clinic.
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00:03:36,961 --> 00:03:39,936
Here are the candidates,
President Donald Trump.
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Boo, you're a loser.
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00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,936
OK, the debate rules
specifically said,
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00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,936
you wouldn't throw shoes at me.
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00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:46,937
Meh!
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00:03:46,961 --> 00:03:48,936
And former Vice President Joe Biden.
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00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,936
SNORING Huh? Malarkey!
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00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,936
First question, Mr President,
about your taxes.
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There's been a lot of fake news
about that.
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00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,936
So fake I had to invent a new word,
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00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,936
phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
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00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,936
So it's not true
you only paid $750 in taxes?
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00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,936
I want to apologise to America
for that.
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00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,936
I'm a smart businessman.
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00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:08,937
I should have paid nothing.
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00:04:08,961 --> 00:04:12,960
My accountant didn't tell me
you could deduct gravy funnels.
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00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,936
HE GULPS
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00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:17,937
Rebuttal, Mr Biden?
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00:04:17,961 --> 00:04:19,936
Folks, I want to level with you.
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00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,936
Camera's over here.
Thanks.
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00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,936
I mean, let's get the country going
in the right direction.
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00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:28,936
Next on the agenda,
two minutes of interruptions.
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00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,136
Here's the deal...
Not smart at all...
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00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,936
Nothing done...
Shut up, man...
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00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,936
Phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
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00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:34,937
That actually went as planned.
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00:04:34,961 --> 00:04:36,136
For the next question,
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00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,936
we will fact check your answers
in real time.
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00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,936
Vice President Biden, where do
you stand on Medicare for all?
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00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,936
Hey, folks, I've always stood
exactly where I am right now,
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00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,936
which, I believe,
is my Aunt Ellie's front parlour.
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00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,776
Fact checker?
Partially true.
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00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:52,936
It does look like
Aunt Ellie's parlour.
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00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,936
My turn! I've been the best
President ever on healthcare.
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00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,936
Better than that loser Washington.
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00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,936
He had zero ventilators
at Pearl Harbor.
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00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,936
I did an excellent job
on this answer.
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00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,936
I'm strong, too.
I can lift a couch.
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00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,800
Buy Trump steaks.
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00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:07,960
Fact checker?
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00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:09,976
GUNSHOT
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00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:13,936
That's the kind of violence you can
expect in Joe Biden's Americ-antifa.
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00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:14,937
Oh, guys.
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00:05:14,961 --> 00:05:17,616
I am not taking the bait
from this clown.
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00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,936
Not kindly Uncle Joe
from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
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00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,936
Oh, you mean Skankton, Crapsylvania?
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00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,936
I'll beat you like a drum.
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00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,456
THEY BOTH STRAIN
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Liar boy!
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00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,936
That's the end of this debate.
Buy steaks!
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00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,000
It actually was more dignified
than expected.
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00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,936
Fill her up, mate.
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00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,936
I'm Lewis Hamilton,
Formula 1 driver,
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00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,936
crusader against injustice,
and VAT dodger.
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00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,936
It's time to call out
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00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,936
the big oil and gas polluters
messing up our planet,
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00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,936
apart from my sponsors
Petronas Oil and Gas,
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00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,776
who do a bloody good job
and will not be beaten on price.
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00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,936
CAR REVS THEN SPLUTTERS
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00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,960
Fill her up again, please, mate.
140
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:00,936
What up, Dom Heads?
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00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,936
It's the Raabocop,
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00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:06,936
Foreign Secretary
and martial arts madman!
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00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,936
Ha! Ha! Hi-yah!
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00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,936
SMASHING
145
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,136
Today, I'm going to show you
some of my personal,
146
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,136
ultimate fighting master moves.
147
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,960
It's not karate, it's...
148
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,936
Move one - someone's coming in hard
with a tough question.
149
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:24,960
What do you do?
150
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:27,937
Use that anywhere.
151
00:06:27,961 --> 00:06:30,136
On radio, Newsnight,
talking to black people.
152
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,960
Put your foot in your mouth.
153
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,936
Move two -
the country's going to shit,
154
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,936
you're supposed to do something,
you have no idea what.
155
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,296
Try this...
156
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,936
Hi-yah!
157
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,936
Don't see no problems in here!
158
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,936
Move three -
you've got things under control,
159
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,936
the press is leaving you alone,
but you need press, man.
160
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:52,960
How do you get it?
161
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,936
Oh, Raab-arama!
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00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,936
I do this every day.
163
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,936
Zoom right to page one.
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00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,776
That's got to hurt.
165
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,936
Hurts so good.
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00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,936
Ka-Raab-te!
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00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,960
Don't forget to ring the bell
and subscribe.
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00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:12,936
Our company has to take a stand.
169
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,936
Consumers need to feel like
we care about social justice.
170
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,936
We need to show our product line
opposes systemic racism.
171
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,936
It's 2020, people.
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00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,936
Unlike 2019, it's time for us
173
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,936
to acknowledge the suffering
of black people in America.
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00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,976
But also merchandising.
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00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,960
I got the answer right here.
176
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960
Black baby Yoda.
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00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,936
Hey!
Matter black lives too.
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00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,160
My gosh, we're woke.
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00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,936
So you're back, you disgusting worm.
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00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,936
Just remember, no photographs,
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00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,936
no touching, no mentioning Ben
& Jerry's ice cream. No, mistress.
182
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,616
So, what repulsive kink
do you want today?
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00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:00,936
Well, I'd like...
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00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,936
Oh, it's so nasty.
185
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,936
I'd like
unpopular Conservative opinions
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00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,776
only you can get away with.
187
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,936
WHIP CRACKS
Ask, you shall receive, Tory boy.
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00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,936
Mm.
We must limit all immigration.
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00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,136
Except for Israelis.
190
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,976
Ooh, you can say it
because you're Asian.
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00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,936
If single mothers
can't afford babies,
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00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:20,937
they should have abortions.
193
00:08:20,961 --> 00:08:23,936
If they want abortions,
they shouldn't have had sex.
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00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,296
Yes.
195
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,936
You can say it
because you're a woman.
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00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,136
Although it would be nice
if it made sense.
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00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,936
People should only qualify
for universal credit
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00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,936
if they don't need universal credit.
199
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,936
Why do young people love rocket?
200
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,936
It's just smelly leaves.
201
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,936
Black Panther is a terrible movie.
202
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,936
Yes, we think it, you say it.
203
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,936
Oh, I'm close.
Are you pleasuring yourself, filth?
204
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,936
No, I'm close to figuring out
how to chop up he NHS
205
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,936
and sell it in little pieces,
206
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,936
and therefore also close to orgasm.
207
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,936
Sell poppers in corner shops.
208
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:54,937
Trans women are ducks.
209
00:08:54,961 --> 00:08:57,936
Eggs are delicious on pizza.
That's not Conservative.
210
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,976
Enact mandatory morris dancing.
211
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,776
That's too Conservative.
Stop, stop!
212
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,936
Had enough, slime? Yes.
213
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,936
Right, now you do me.
214
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,936
Year on year, fiscal returns
have outpaced projections
215
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,936
by an annual adjusted rate of 4%.
216
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,960
God, I love dull men!
217
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,936
God, I could use a drink.
218
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,296
I can't believe
they figured out our scheme
219
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,456
to reclassify the parliamentary pub
as a canteen
220
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,296
so that it could stay open past ten.
221
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:28,936
Don't worry, sir,
I reclassified the chapel as Ibiza.
222
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,960
Foam party!
223
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:33,960
God, I love a loophole.
224
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,936
I'm David Attenborough.
225
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,296
Although I'm 94 years old,
226
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:42,936
I've learned how to use Instagram.
227
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,936
Because our planet is in great...
228
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,936
You look at the phone, David.
229
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:48,960
Oh, fucking Instagram!
230
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,936
All right, I've finished my clippy.
231
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,936
Where it says signature,
do I put the royal seal?
232
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,936
That's not necessary, Mr...
233
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,936
..Of Wales.
234
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,936
I see here that your previous career
was in realty.
235
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,976
Royalty. But it wasn't a career.
236
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,776
My wife's got a Netflix empire.
Who doesn't?
237
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,936
But I want a real job,
honest work,
238
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,936
roll up my sleeves,
put jammy on my own scones.
239
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,936
Please read the sign.
240
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,936
Oh, that's a lot to read.
241
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:21,937
Do you have it on audiobook?
242
00:10:21,961 --> 00:10:23,936
Tell me about
your marketable skills.
243
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,296
I can fly an Apache
tank-killing helicopter.
244
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,936
And have you killed many tanks?
245
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,936
None that I was supposed to.
246
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,936
Hm. Anything else?
247
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,936
I'm good at collecting cheques
from the government.
248
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,936
Do you have that here?
Oh, that's called unemployment.
249
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,936
To get it, you have to have
an actual job first.
250
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:40,976
Right, right.
251
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,936
Oh, I could cut ribbons
to open hospitals.
252
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,936
I've got my own scissors.
253
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,936
Don't worry, they're safety.
254
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,136
Oh, it's OK.
255
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,936
The same thing happened
at the children's hospital.
256
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,960
Ho-ho, the kids loved it!
257
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,936
Mr and Vice President,
258
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,976
welcome to the CDC labs.
259
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,000
Sir, it's a sterile space.
You don't need to wear a mask.
260
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,936
It's not a mask, it's a feed bag.
261
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:12,136
Now, listen, I'm tired of waiting
for you scientists
262
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,936
to do something about this virus.
263
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,936
It's hanging around
like Eric's aftershave,
264
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,296
Sir, the vaccine is already in
265
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,936
phase three safety
and efficacy line trials.
266
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:22,937
Uh-huh.
267
00:11:22,961 --> 00:11:24,936
Mansplain that to me, VP.
268
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,936
Sticking people with needles,
seeing what happens.
269
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,936
Not good enough.
I need things to happen now!
270
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,936
Give me something to work with,
lady.
271
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,296
You're smart.
I mean, look at you.
272
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:39,296
Out on the street you're a five,
but in here with these nerds?
273
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,616
Num-num-num-num-num-num!
274
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:42,936
As a woman in science,
275
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,936
that's still the most respectful
thing anyone's ever said to me.
276
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:49,776
So, where is this virus?
In this little beer nut tray?
277
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,456
Petri dish.
It's growing in a nutrient bath.
278
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,936
Living in its own food, eh?
279
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,936
Let's get Jared working on that
for me.
280
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,936
You scientists gotta treat
this virus like a businessman.
281
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:03,936
Make a deal, bang his wife,
declare bankruptcy, skip town.
282
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,936
Er, what are you proposing?
283
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,936
Get me across the table
with this virus dude.
284
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,936
I'll negotiate us a great deal,
285
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,136
people are saying the best deal.
286
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:15,616
Huh. Well, this is kind of
out of the blue, but, er...
287
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:16,960
..we do have a shrink ray.
288
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,936
Less yappin', more zappin'.
289
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,640
SHRINK RAY WHIRS
290
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,936
Coroney, you got New York style.
291
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,936
I think you and I can make a deal.
292
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,976
There's an art to it, according to
the guy who wrote my book.
293
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,936
Why should I make a deal?
Things are going great for me.
294
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,456
I can make things easier.
295
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,936
You leave the rest of us alone
and you can have all the old people.
296
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,936
We're talking men over 90,
women over 27.
297
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,937
Throw in fat people.
298
00:12:50,961 --> 00:12:52,936
Fat women? And men.
299
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,936
No deal.
300
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,936
I'm already letting you have
all the poor and ethnic types.
301
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,936
We never asked for them.
302
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,936
Well, they're yours.
No take backs.
303
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,936
Mr Trump, you are wasting my time.
304
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,936
This negotiation is over.
305
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,936
I'm not leaving without a win.
306
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,456
What is that?
A squirt gun.
307
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,936
Filled with
the longest word I know -
308
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,160
Hydro-cloxy-woxy-loxy-quoxy-
chlorocline.
309
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,936
Mm, good stuff.
Can I get some more?
310
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,936
You know, Coroney?
You're everything I like.
311
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,936
You're tough, you're sneaky,
you're a threat to humanity.
312
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,936
I want you in my organisation.
313
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,936
Interesting.
What did you have in mind?
314
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,936
I'll explain it on the way up.
315
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,936
Hey, Lady Lab Coat, big me.
316
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,960
WHIRRING
317
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,936
THEY GASP
318
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,936
Oh, my God, sir!
You brought it back with you!
319
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,936
Pence...
320
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:48,960
..you're fired.
321
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,456
I knew the hydroxy
would kill something annoying.
322
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,776
BOTH LAUGH EVILLY
323
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,936
Say hello
to your new Vice President.
324
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,936
GASPS
I'm gonna bring a lot of new ideas
325
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:05,456
now that I'm in charge of
the Anti-Virus Task Force.
326
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,456
It's great to have a guy like this
327
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,936
just a heartbeat away
from the presidency.
328
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,960
SPLAT
329
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,936
Hey, it's the husband
formerly known as Prince.
330
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:18,937
Any luck getting a job?
331
00:14:18,961 --> 00:14:23,936
They had me driving for Uber Eats,
but there were too many damn rules!
332
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,936
"Don't touch the food, don't taste
the food, drive on the road."
333
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,936
I'm sorry, Rowdy Reddy.
334
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,936
But then, I was driving
down the sidewalk in Hollywood
335
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,776
and I saw something amazing!
336
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,456
People dress up in costumes,
337
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,936
like Spider-Man or Jack Sparrow,
and pose with tourists,
338
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:41,937
a dollar a photo!
339
00:14:41,961 --> 00:14:43,936
That's perfect!
340
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,936
You love people, you're good
at getting your photo taken.
341
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,936
And I've already got a costume!
342
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,936
All right,
who's ready for a photo with Hitler?
343
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:53,937
Anybody?
344
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,936
How about Hitler and Pikachu?
345
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,936
Who wouldn't want a picture
with Hitler and Pikachu?
346
00:14:58,960 --> 00:14:59,937
GRUFF VOICE: Pikachu!
347
00:14:59,961 --> 00:15:01,960
Agh!
348
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,976
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
349
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,976
SNIFFS Mm-mm.
350
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,936
Real brainteaser, that.
It's all edge!
351
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,936
Now, what's this I hear about
a problem with the college students?
352
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,936
Because of the rise
in campus infection rates,
353
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,936
we had to impose
some mild restrictions.
354
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,936
Love it. What have we done?
We've locked them up.
355
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:20,937
I see no problem.
356
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:24,936
The larvae flourish when confined
to their hexagonal pods.
357
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,296
D-d-doesn't that make
the universities rather...
358
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,936
..prisony? Shut up, Hancock.
359
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,960
Sorry, fair point.
I'll stand behind the plant.
360
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,936
This quadruples the prison
population at a stroke.
361
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:37,976
Hashtag vote winner!
362
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,936
The students are complaining
that they're stuck in their rooms,
363
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,936
they have to attend lectures online
364
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,936
and they can't go home
for the holidays.
365
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:45,937
Let me get this straight.
366
00:15:45,961 --> 00:15:47,936
These kids lie around all day
in their jim-jams,
367
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,936
spaffing on the internet,
non-stop rummage in the scrummage,
368
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,936
and there's absolutely no way
369
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,936
they'll see their family
at Christmas?
370
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,936
Yes, Prime Minister.
Hey, what's that?
371
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,960
ALL GASP
372
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,616
So, fellow students,
373
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,936
who fancies two pints of vodka
and a game of human Jenga?
374
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:07,937
Who are you again?
375
00:16:07,961 --> 00:16:10,976
I'm the new boy, Johnson B,
The Bozemeister.
376
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,936
Reading Classics,
like I give a damn, right?
377
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:15,937
Erm, boundaries?
378
00:16:15,961 --> 00:16:17,936
As in let's cross them, eh?
379
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,960
Well, break out the green,
I brought the parliamentary bong.
380
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,936
Smoking marijuana
is cultural appropriation.
381
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,936
Crikey, statue topplers, eh?
382
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,936
What do you do for kicks
around here?
383
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:30,937
I'm teaching myself coding.
384
00:16:30,961 --> 00:16:33,936
I'm curating a web page
for vegan profiteroles.
385
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,936
Sounds rather serious.
386
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,937
University is serious.
387
00:16:36,961 --> 00:16:38,936
We're here to study,
not to waste time.
388
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,936
Not at £9,000 a year.
389
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,616
How much?! 9,000.
390
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:44,960
What's that?
391
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,320
What a bunch of idiots.
392
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,936
Well, the costume thing went OK,
but not great.
393
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,936
Somebody gave me $20.
394
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,936
For a single picture?
395
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,616
Yeah, to stay out of
a single picture.
396
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,936
I don't know, Megs.
I've tried every career there is -
397
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,936
Prince, Hitler...
398
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,936
Maybe I'm just not qualified
for anything.
399
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,456
That's not true!
400
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:12,936
You're a great husband,
a good-hearted man,
401
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,936
you've got big, muscular teeth.
402
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:16,937
Thanks, Meg.
403
00:17:16,961 --> 00:17:19,936
And I guess now
I'm qualified for this!
404
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:20,960
Unemployment!
405
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,960
Now I'm a regular Yankee geezer!
406
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,936
Hi. It's me again.
407
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,936
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 star,
408
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:35,136
enviro-campaigner
and offshore tax haven lover.
409
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:39,616
Human rights abuses
have got to stop now. End of.
410
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,936
Apart from in China, Russia and
Bahrain - I do have to race there.
411
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,616
But apart from them, sort it out!
412
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,160
REVS ENGINE
I used to date a Pussycat Doll!
413
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,936
PIANO PLAYS
414
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:56,136
Kier, loving your whole radical
shake-up of the Labour Party.
415
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,936
Love. In'. It.
416
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,936
Thanks very much, Sir Elton.
417
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,936
Please, just Elton.
418
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,936
Anyway, bit of advice -
419
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,936
I think you could
zhoosh this up a bit.
420
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,936
I don't know. I don't want to
distract from my message.
421
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,936
The look IS the message.
422
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,936
You're going up against Boris
423
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,296
Fluffs-His-Hair-For-The-Camera
Johnson.
424
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,936
'Ere, let's try something.
425
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,936
You see, that's better already,
love.
426
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,936
Now, pretend
I'm the House of Commons.
427
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:23,937
All right...
428
00:18:23,961 --> 00:18:25,936
Under proposed changes
to Universal Credit...
429
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,136
No!
430
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,936
Stop. Stop!
431
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,936
There's still something missing.
432
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:31,960
Hang on.
433
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,936
I think we've cracked it.
434
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,936
You do know we're the Labour Party?
435
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,936
Shut it! Now, give it some zazz.
436
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,976
Year on year, GDP has fallen 12%.
437
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,936
No. I'm sorry,
it's still not quite working.
438
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,936
There's only one option.
But, Elton...
439
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,960
SIR Elton!
440
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,936
We call for another urgent review...
441
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,936
Buhh! I tell you
what the problem with you is,
442
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,960
I'm not on drugs.
443
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,320
GENERAL HUBBUB AND SHOUTING
444
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,936
Seven of you?
445
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,936
Gathered together?
No, no, no.
446
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,976
This is dangerous and i-illegal.
447
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,136
MURMURED APOLOGIES
448
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:14,960
You know how to make
an o-o-outdoor gathering safe.
449
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,936
ALL CHEER
450
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,960
Hunt grouse, stay healthy.
451
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,936
Happy Sunday, everybody.
452
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,936
We're only a few weeks away
from the election,
453
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,936
arguably the most important day
in our country's history
454
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,936
since the premiere of
Jumanji 2: Welcome To The Jungle!
455
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,936
Now, I've never endorsed
a presidential candidate,
456
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,936
although I have endorsed
pretty much everything else,
457
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,936
including The Rock's
delicious Tequila!
458
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,936
Great before, during
or after your workout.
459
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,936
You guys know me.
If I go, I go big.
460
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,936
That's why I'm taking the bold step
461
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:54,936
of bravely endorsing the odds-on
favourite presidential candidate -
462
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:55,937
Joe Biden.
463
00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:58,936
MUFFLED VOICE: Aren't you forgetting
something, you giant goose?
464
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,296
It's my little pocket pal,
Kevin Hart!
465
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,936
Don't forget to plug our new movie!
466
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,936
That's not what this is about,
Kevin.
467
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,776
Don't miss Jumanji 3:
This Time It's Contractual.
468
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,296
Oh, and Kamala Harris.
469
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,960
Can I have a Kevin snack?
470
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,960
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!
471
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,936
What a fantastic day in New Zealand.
472
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:23,937
Meat pies, ginger crunch
473
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:26,136
and a positive balance of trade
with China.
474
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,936
I know, but sometimes I think...
475
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,960
..couldn't things here
be MORE fantastic?
476
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,936
Where there's a wish, there's a way!
477
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,456
BOTH: Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern!
478
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,936
Kia ora, children.
What healthful weather we're having.
479
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,136
Not a spit-spot of virus to be seen.
480
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,936
Why, Jacinda Ardern,
are you boasting?
481
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,936
Practically perfect people
never boast,
482
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,800
they just get re-elected forever.
483
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,976
♪ In a world of strongmen
A nice lady came along
484
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,936
♪ I'm kind and smart and young and
Kind and good and kind and young
485
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,936
♪ When I became New Zealand's boss
I knew just what to do
486
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,456
♪ Initiate a nanny state
And turn our grey skies blue!
487
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,776
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda
488
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,936
♪ Never mean and always green
And such a lovely grin-na
489
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,936
♪ If a virus comes around
She'll stop it going in ya
490
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,936
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda!
491
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,936
♪ Yum dumble dumble, dumble meat pie
Yum munchie munch, yum ginger crunch
492
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,936
♪ I banned all assault weapons
And enforced a living wage
493
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:25,616
♪ I gave birth to a child
At an advanced maternal age
494
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,936
♪ I put us into lockdown
Faster than the Yanks and Brits
495
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,936
♪ And now NZ is virus-free
We've kicked it in the tits! Oh!
496
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,936
♪ Super-quick Jacinda
Taking action straight away
497
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,936
♪ That virus had no chance against
Our badass Kiwi bae
498
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,936
♪ With her gentle touch
And iron fist
499
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:40,937
♪ Cleared COVID off the scene
500
00:21:40,961 --> 00:21:44,936
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ♪
501
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,936
COUGHS Young man,
502
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,936
do you have the impertinence
to be ill in New Zealand?
503
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,616
I was just clearing my throat.
I'm probably fine.
504
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:54,936
Do you know how hard it is
to quarantine two small islands
505
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,936
with low population
and a wealth of natural resources
506
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,936
that renders us
completely self-sufficient?!
507
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,936
Not... that... hard?
508
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,960
That's quite enough of that. I can
see there's only one thing to do.
509
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,616
SPLAT
510
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,936
I am delighted to announce
no new cases of coronavirus!
511
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,960
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ♪
512
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,936
The ignorant and lazy adults that
have robbed me off my future,
513
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,936
by which I mean network executives,
514
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,936
have told me to bring
a lighter touch
515
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,936
and also to cover
afternoon drive time.
516
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,936
So, today, a mix of sun and clouds.
517
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,936
Chance of sprinkles,
don't forget your brellie.
518
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,936
All clear by your evening commute.
519
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,936
Tomorrow
and for the rest of eternity -
520
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,936
HOT!
521
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,960
TYPING AND SENDING NOISE
522
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,960
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523
00:23:00,984 --> 00:23:02,984
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