1
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:17,296
Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.

2
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:20,936
The producers of Spitting Image
have very kindly

3
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,456
offered me a chance to speak
directly to you, the public.

4
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:25,936
"Come down," they said.

5
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,936
"Sit right there in that chair,"
they said,

6
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,296
"and hold you head just like this."
So, I...

7
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,456
Urgh!

8
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,936
Melania, wake up.</c>

9
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,936
I need help with this tweet.</c>

10
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,936
Urgh, for the last time!

11
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,936
There's only two Fs in covfefe.

12
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,976
Now, put that away and go to sleep.

13
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,616
I can't. I have to retweet</c>
five fake stories,</c>

14
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:46,936
deny one real one,</c>

15
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,936
and call Meghan Markle an idiot.</c>

16
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,456
Can't someone else do it?
But who?</c>

17
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,800
Who could really capture my style</c>
and swagger?</c>

18
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:56,776
Got it!</c>

19
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:57,936
Oh, no...

20
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,776
..not that asshole.

21
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,936
Good boy.</c>

22
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,936
I say this,
it spells better than you.

23
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,936
Doesn't that asshole ever sleep?</c>

24
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,960
My family or yours?

25
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,936
Dom, I've been looking at the speech</c>
that you've written.</c>

26
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:34,936
Rather harsh, you know,</c>
a bit of a sledgehammer.</c>

27
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,976
I'm not sure about starting,</c>

28
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,936
"Attention, you the underclass."</c>

29
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:41,936
Yes, we should cut the niceties
and get straight to,

30
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,456
"Sacrifice yourself
for the good of the hive."

31
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,936
And by "hive", you mean...?</c>

32
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,960
I mean, future of the hive...
I mean, country.

33
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,936
Are you dissatisfied with me?
Perhaps you would like to fire me.

34
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,936
I don't think</c>
that will be necessary.</c>

35
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,936
I thought not.

36
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,936
So, this is what you call a baby?

37
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,936
Ah, yes.</c> It looks delicious.

38
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,616
May I eat it?

39
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:07,936
Ha-ha, jolly good.</c>

40
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,136
'Fraid not,</c>
Carrie would be furious.</c>

41
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:12,936
Then I shall not do that.

42
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
Instead, I shall eat
some of your Earth snacks.

43
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:21,936
Ah, good-oh.</c>

44
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,136
Now, you write,</c>
"Composting the drones</c>

45
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,936
"will ensure the survival</c>
of the elite."</c>

46
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:27,937
Is there a problem?

47
00:02:27,961 --> 00:02:31,936
Well, it's more of a Cameron/Osborne</c>
type of policy.</c>

48
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,936
It is not Liberal or Conservative,
it is basic hive maintenance.

49
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,936
Yeah, I just want it</c>
a bit more sunlit uplands,</c>

50
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,456
Pimm's in deckchairs,</c>

51
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,936
and a bit less vaporising strikers</c>
with death rays.</c>

52
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,936
I didn't come all the way
from Epsilon 5,

53
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,936
I mean Durham, to write a speech
with no death rays.

54
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,936
Perhaps you would like to fire me?

55
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,936
Oh, I don't think</c>
that will be necessary.</c>

56
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,936
I thought not.

57
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,936
I have consumed my snack.

58
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,936
Are you sure I can't eat the baby?

59
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,936
Yes,</c>
I'm sure you can't eat the baby.</c>

60
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,936
If I did, would you fire me?

61
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,936
Er, you know,</c>
I don't think that's necessary.</c>

62
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,960
And now the weather forecast</c>
with Greta Thunberg.</c>

63
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,960
That was the weather</c>
with Greta Thunberg.</c>

64
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,296
Welcome to Case Western
Health Center,

65
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,936
the finest venue in America
for this debate,

66
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:36,937
since it's a geriatric clinic.

67
00:03:36,961 --> 00:03:39,936
Here are the candidates,
President Donald Trump.

68
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,936
Boo, you're a loser.</c>

69
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,936
OK, the debate rules
specifically said,

70
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,936
you wouldn't throw shoes at me.

71
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:46,937
Meh!</c>

72
00:03:46,961 --> 00:03:48,936
And former Vice President Joe Biden.

73
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,936
SNORING Huh? Malarkey!</c>

74
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,936
First question, Mr President,
about your taxes.

75
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,936
There's been a lot of fake news</c>
about that.</c>

76
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,936
So fake I had to invent a new word,</c>

77
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,936
phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.</c>

78
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,936
So it's not true
you only paid $750 in taxes?

79
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,936
I want to apologise to America</c>
for that.</c>

80
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,936
I'm a smart businessman.</c>

81
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:08,937
I should have paid nothing.</c>

82
00:04:08,961 --> 00:04:12,960
My accountant didn't tell me</c>
you could deduct gravy funnels.</c>

83
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:17,937
Rebuttal, Mr Biden?

84
00:04:17,961 --> 00:04:19,936
Folks, I want to level with you.</c>

85
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,936
Camera's over here.</c>
Thanks.</c>

86
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,936
I mean, let's get the country going</c>
in the right direction.</c>

87
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:28,936
Next on the agenda,
two minutes of interruptions.

88
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,136
Here's the deal...</c>
Not smart at all...</c>

89
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,936
Nothing done...</c>
Shut up, man...</c>

90
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,936
Phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.</c>

91
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:34,937
That actually went as planned.

92
00:04:34,961 --> 00:04:36,136
For the next question,

93
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,936
we will fact check your answers
in real time.

94
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,936
Vice President Biden, where do
you stand on Medicare for all?

95
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,936
Hey, folks, I've always stood</c>
exactly where I am right now,</c>

96
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,936
which, I believe,</c>
is my Aunt Ellie's front parlour.</c>

97
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,776
Fact checker?
Partially true.</c>

98
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:52,936
It does look like</c>
Aunt Ellie's parlour.</c>

99
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,936
My turn! I've been the best</c>
President ever on healthcare.</c>

100
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,936
Better than that loser Washington.</c>

101
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,936
He had zero ventilators</c>
at Pearl Harbor.</c>

102
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,936
I did an excellent job</c>
on this answer.</c>

103
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,936
I'm strong, too.</c>
I can lift a couch.</c>

104
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,800
Buy Trump steaks.</c>

105
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:07,960
Fact checker?

106
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:13,936
That's the kind of violence you can</c>
expect in Joe Biden's Americ-antifa.</c>

107
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:14,937
Oh, guys.</c>

108
00:05:14,961 --> 00:05:17,616
I am not taking the bait</c>
from this clown.</c>

109
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,936
Not kindly Uncle Joe</c>
from Scranton, Pennsylvania.</c>

110
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,936
Oh, you mean Skankton, Crapsylvania?</c>

111
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,936
I'll beat you like a drum.</c>

112
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,936
Liar boy!</c>

113
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,936
That's the end of this debate.
Buy steaks!</c>

114
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,000
It actually was more dignified
than expected.

115
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,936
Fill her up, mate.</c>

116
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,936
I'm Lewis Hamilton,</c>
Formula 1 driver,</c>

117
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,936
crusader against injustice,</c>
and VAT dodger.</c>

118
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,936
It's time to call out</c>

119
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,936
the big oil and gas polluters</c>
messing up our planet,</c>

120
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,936
apart from my sponsors</c>
Petronas Oil and Gas,</c>

121
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,776
who do a bloody good job</c>
and will not be beaten on price.</c>

122
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,960
Fill her up again, please, mate.</c>

123
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:00,936
What up, Dom Heads?

124
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,936
It's the Raabocop,

125
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:06,936
Foreign Secretary
and martial arts madman!

126
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,936
Ha! Ha! Hi-yah!

127
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,136
Today, I'm going to show you
some of my personal,

128
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,136
ultimate fighting master moves.

129
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,960
It's not karate, it's...

130
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,936
Move one - someone's coming in hard
with a tough question.

131
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:24,960
What do you do?

132
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:27,937
Use that anywhere.

133
00:06:27,961 --> 00:06:30,136
On radio, Newsnight,
talking to black people.

134
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,960
Put your foot in your mouth.

135
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,936
Move two -
the country's going to shit,

136
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,936
you're supposed to do something,
you have no idea what.

137
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,296
Try this...

138
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,936
Hi-yah!

139
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,936
Don't see no problems in here!

140
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,936
Move three -
you've got things under control,

141
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,936
the press is leaving you alone,
but you need press, man.

142
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:52,960
How do you get it?

143
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,936
Oh, Raab-arama!

144
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,936
I do this every day.

145
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,936
Zoom right to page one.

146
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,776
That's got to hurt.

147
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,936
Hurts so good.

148
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,936
Ka-Raab-te!

149
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,960
Don't forget to ring the bell
and subscribe.

150
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:12,936
Our company has to take a stand.</c>

151
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,936
Consumers need to feel like</c>
we care about social justice.</c>

152
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,936
We need to show our product line
opposes systemic racism.

153
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,936
It's 2020, people.</c>

154
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,936
Unlike 2019, it's time for us</c>

155
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,936
to acknowledge the suffering</c>
of black people in America.</c>

156
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,976
But also merchandising.

157
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,960
I got the answer right here.</c>

158
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960
Black baby Yoda.</c>

159
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,936
Hey!</c>
Matter black lives too.</c>

160
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,160
My gosh, we're woke.

161
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,936
So you're back, you disgusting worm.

162
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,936
Just remember, no photographs,

163
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,936
no touching, no mentioning Ben
& Jerry's ice cream. No, mistress.</c>

164
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,616
So, what repulsive kink
do you want today?

165
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:00,936
Well, I'd like...</c>

166
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,936
Oh, it's so nasty.</c>

167
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,936
I'd like</c>
unpopular Conservative opinions</c>

168
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,776
only you can get away with.</c>

169
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,936
Ask, you shall receive, Tory boy.

170
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,936
Mm.</c>
We must limit all immigration.

171
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,136
Except for Israelis.

172
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,976
Ooh, you can say it</c>
because you're Asian.</c>

173
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,936
If single mothers
can't afford babies,

174
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:20,937
they should have abortions.

175
00:08:20,961 --> 00:08:23,936
If they want abortions,
they shouldn't have had sex.

176
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,296
Yes.</c>

177
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,936
You can say it</c>
because you're a woman.</c>

178
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,136
Although it would be nice</c>
if it made sense.</c>

179
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,936
People should only qualify
for universal credit

180
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,936
if they don't need universal credit.

181
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,936
Why do young people love rocket?

182
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,936
It's just smelly leaves.

183
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,936
Black Panther is a terrible movie.

184
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,936
Yes, we think it, you say it.</c>

185
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,936
Oh, I'm close.</c>
Are you pleasuring yourself, filth?

186
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,936
No, I'm close to figuring out</c>
how to chop up he NHS</c>

187
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,936
and sell it in little pieces,</c>

188
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,936
and therefore also close to orgasm.</c>

189
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,936
Sell poppers in corner shops.

190
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:54,937
Trans women are ducks.

191
00:08:54,961 --> 00:08:57,936
Eggs are delicious on pizza.
That's not Conservative.</c>

192
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,976
Enact mandatory morris dancing.

193
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,776
That's too Conservative.</c>
Stop, stop!</c>

194
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,936
Had enough, slime? Yes.</c>

195
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,936
Right, now you do me.

196
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,936
Year on year, fiscal returns</c>
have outpaced projections</c>

197
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,936
by an annual adjusted rate of 4%.</c>

198
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,960
God, I love dull men!

199
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,936
God, I could use a drink.</c>

200
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,296
I can't believe</c>
they figured out our scheme</c>

201
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,456
to reclassify the parliamentary pub</c>
as a canteen</c>

202
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,296
so that it could stay open past ten.</c>

203
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:28,936
Don't worry, sir,
I reclassified the chapel as Ibiza.

204
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,960
Foam party!</c>

205
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:33,960
God, I love a loophole.</c>

206
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,936
I'm David Attenborough.

207
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,296
Although I'm 94 years old,

208
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:42,936
I've learned how to use Instagram.

209
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,936
Because our planet is in great...

210
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,936
You look at the phone, David.</c>

211
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:48,960
Oh, fucking Instagram!

212
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,936
All right, I've finished my clippy.

213
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,936
Where it says signature,
do I put the royal seal?

214
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,936
That's not necessary, Mr...</c>

215
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,936
..Of Wales.</c>

216
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,936
I see here that your previous career</c>
was in realty.</c>

217
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,976
Royalty. But it wasn't a career.

218
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,776
My wife's got a Netflix empire.
Who doesn't?

219
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,936
But I want a real job,
honest work,

220
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,936
roll up my sleeves,
put jammy on my own scones.

221
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,936
Please read the sign.</c>

222
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,936
Oh, that's a lot to read.

223
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:21,937
Do you have it on audiobook?

224
00:10:21,961 --> 00:10:23,936
Tell me about</c>
your marketable skills.</c>

225
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,296
I can fly an Apache
tank-killing helicopter.

226
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,936
And have you killed many tanks?</c>

227
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,936
None that I was supposed to.

228
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,936
Hm. Anything else?</c>

229
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,936
I'm good at collecting cheques
from the government.

230
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,936
Do you have that here?
Oh, that's called unemployment.</c>

231
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,936
To get it, you have to have</c>
an actual job first.</c>

232
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:40,976
Right, right.

233
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,936
Oh, I could cut ribbons
to open hospitals.

234
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,936
I've got my own scissors.

235
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,936
Don't worry, they're safety.

236
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,136
Oh, it's OK.

237
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,936
The same thing happened
at the children's hospital.

238
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,960
Ho-ho, the kids loved it!

239
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,936
Mr and Vice President,

240
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,976
welcome to the CDC labs.

241
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,000
Sir, it's a sterile space.
You don't need to wear a mask.

242
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,936
It's not a mask, it's a feed bag.</c>

243
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:12,136
Now, listen, I'm tired of waiting</c>
for you scientists</c>

244
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,936
to do something about this virus.</c>

245
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,936
It's hanging around</c>
like Eric's aftershave,</c>

246
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,296
Sir, the vaccine is already in

247
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,936
phase three safety
and efficacy line trials.

248
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:22,937
Uh-huh.</c>

249
00:11:22,961 --> 00:11:24,936
Mansplain that to me, VP.</c>

250
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,936
Sticking people with needles,</c>
seeing what happens.</c>

251
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,936
Not good enough.</c>
I need things to happen now!</c>

252
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,936
Give me something to work with,</c>
lady.</c>

253
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,296
You're smart.</c>
I mean, look at you.</c>

254
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:39,296
Out on the street you're a five,</c>
but in here with these nerds?</c>

255
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,616
Num-num-num-num-num-num!</c>

256
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:42,936
As a woman in science,

257
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,936
that's still the most respectful
thing anyone's ever said to me.

258
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:49,776
So, where is this virus?</c>
In this little beer nut tray?</c>

259
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,456
Petri dish.
It's growing in a nutrient bath.

260
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,936
Living in its own food, eh?</c>

261
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,936
Let's get Jared working on that</c>
for me.</c>

262
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,936
You scientists gotta treat</c>
this virus like a businessman.</c>

263
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:03,936
Make a deal, bang his wife,</c>
declare bankruptcy, skip town.</c>

264
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,936
Er, what are you proposing?

265
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,936
Get me across the table</c>
with this virus dude.</c>

266
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,936
I'll negotiate us a great deal,</c>

267
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,136
people are saying the best deal.</c>

268
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:15,616
Huh. Well, this is kind of
out of the blue, but, er...

269
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:16,960
..we do have a shrink ray.

270
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,936
Less yappin', more zappin'.</c>

271
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,936
Coroney, you got New York style.</c>

272
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,936
I think you and I can make a deal.</c>

273
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,976
There's an art to it, according to</c>
the guy who wrote my book.</c>

274
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,936
Why should I make a deal?</c>
Things are going great for me.</c>

275
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,456
I can make things easier.</c>

276
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,936
You leave the rest of us alone</c>
and you can have all the old people.</c>

277
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,936
We're talking men over 90,</c>
women over 27.</c>

278
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,937
Throw in fat people.</c>

279
00:12:50,961 --> 00:12:52,936
Fat women?</c> And men.</c>

280
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,936
No deal.</c>

281
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,936
I'm already letting you have</c>
all the poor and ethnic types.</c>

282
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,936
We never asked for them.</c>

283
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,936
Well, they're yours.</c>
No take backs.</c>

284
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,936
Mr Trump, you are wasting my time.</c>

285
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,936
This negotiation is over.</c>

286
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,936
I'm not leaving without a win.</c>

287
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,456
What is that?</c>
A squirt gun.</c>

288
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,936
Filled with</c>
the longest word I know -</c>

289
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,160
Hydro-cloxy-woxy-loxy-quoxy-</c>
chlorocline.</c>

290
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,936
Mm, good stuff.</c>
Can I get some more?</c>

291
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,936
You know, Coroney?</c>
You're everything I like.</c>

292
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,936
You're tough, you're sneaky,</c>
you're a threat to humanity.</c>

293
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,936
I want you in my organisation.</c>

294
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,936
Interesting.</c>
What did you have in mind?</c>

295
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,936
I'll explain it on the way up.</c>

296
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,936
Hey, Lady Lab Coat, big me.</c>

297
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,936
Oh, my God, sir!</c>
You brought it back with you!</c>

298
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,936
Pence...</c>

299
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:48,960
..you're fired.</c>

300
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,456
I knew the hydroxy</c>
would kill something annoying.</c>

301
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,936
Say hello</c>
to your new Vice President.</c>

302
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,936
I'm gonna bring a lot of new ideas</c>

303
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:05,456
now that I'm in charge of</c>
the Anti-Virus Task Force.</c>

304
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,456
It's great to have a guy like this</c>

305
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,936
just a heartbeat away</c>
from the presidency.</c>

306
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,936
Hey, it's the husband
formerly known as Prince.

307
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:18,937
Any luck getting a job?

308
00:14:18,961 --> 00:14:23,936
They had me driving for Uber Eats,</c>
but there were too many damn rules!</c>

309
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,936
"Don't touch the food, don't taste</c>
the food, drive on the road."</c>

310
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,936
I'm sorry, Rowdy Reddy.

311
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,936
But then, I was driving</c>
down the sidewalk in Hollywood</c>

312
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,776
and I saw something amazing!</c>

313
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,456
People dress up in costumes,</c>

314
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,936
like Spider-Man or Jack Sparrow,</c>
and pose with tourists,</c>

315
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:41,937
a dollar a photo!</c>

316
00:14:41,961 --> 00:14:43,936
That's perfect!

317
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,936
You love people, you're good
at getting your photo taken.

318
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,936
And I've already got a costume!</c>

319
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,936
All right,
who's ready for a photo with Hitler?

320
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:53,937
Anybody?

321
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,936
How about Hitler and Pikachu?

322
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,936
Who wouldn't want a picture
with Hitler and Pikachu?

323
00:14:58,960 --> 00:14:59,937
Pikachu!</c>

324
00:14:59,961 --> 00:15:01,960
Agh!

325
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,976
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.</c>

326
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,976
SNIFFS Mm-mm.</c>

327
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,936
Real brainteaser, that.</c>
It's all edge!</c>

328
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,936
Now, what's this I hear about</c>
a problem with the college students?</c>

329
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,936
Because of the rise</c>
in campus infection rates,</c>

330
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,936
we had to impose</c>
some mild restrictions.</c>

331
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,936
Love it. What have we done?</c>
We've locked them up.</c>

332
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:20,937
I see no problem.

333
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:24,936
The larvae flourish when confined
to their hexagonal pods.

334
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,296
D-d-doesn't that make</c>
the universities rather...</c>

335
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,936
..prisony?</c> Shut up, Hancock.

336
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,960
Sorry, fair point.</c>
I'll stand behind the plant.</c>

337
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,936
This quadruples the prison
population at a stroke.

338
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:37,976
Hashtag vote winner!

339
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,936
The students are complaining</c>
that they're stuck in their rooms,</c>

340
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,936
they have to attend lectures online</c>

341
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,936
and they can't go home</c>
for the holidays.</c>

342
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:45,937
Let me get this straight.</c>

343
00:15:45,961 --> 00:15:47,936
These kids lie around all day</c>
in their jim-jams,</c>

344
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,936
spaffing on the internet,</c>
non-stop rummage in the scrummage,</c>

345
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,936
and there's absolutely no way</c>

346
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,936
they'll see their family</c>
at Christmas?</c>

347
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,936
Yes, Prime Minister.</c>
Hey, what's that?</c>

348
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,616
So, fellow students,</c>

349
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,936
who fancies two pints of vodka</c>
and a game of human Jenga?</c>

350
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:07,937
Who are you again?</c>

351
00:16:07,961 --> 00:16:10,976
I'm the new boy, Johnson B,</c>
The Bozemeister.</c>

352
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,936
Reading Classics,</c>
like I give a damn, right?</c>

353
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:15,937
Erm, boundaries?</c>

354
00:16:15,961 --> 00:16:17,936
As in let's cross them, eh?</c>

355
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,960
Well, break out the green,</c>
I brought the parliamentary bong.</c>

356
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,936
Smoking marijuana</c>
is cultural appropriation.</c>

357
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,936
Crikey, statue topplers, eh?</c>

358
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,936
What do you do for kicks</c>
around here?</c>

359
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:30,937
I'm teaching myself coding.</c>

360
00:16:30,961 --> 00:16:33,936
I'm curating a web page</c>
for vegan profiteroles.</c>

361
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,936
Sounds rather serious.</c>

362
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,937
University is serious.</c>

363
00:16:36,961 --> 00:16:38,936
We're here to study,</c>
not to waste time.</c>

364
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,936
Not at £9,000 a year.</c>

365
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,616
How much?!</c> 9,000.</c>

366
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:44,960
What's that?</c>

367
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,320
What a bunch of idiots.</c>

368
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,936
Well, the costume thing went OK,
but not great.

369
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,936
Somebody gave me $20.

370
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,936
For a single picture?</c>

371
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,616
Yeah, to stay out of
a single picture.

372
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,936
I don't know, Megs.
I've tried every career there is -

373
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,936
Prince, Hitler...

374
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,936
Maybe I'm just not qualified
for anything.

375
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,456
That's not true!</c>

376
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:12,936
You're a great husband,</c>
a good-hearted man,</c>

377
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,936
you've got big, muscular teeth.</c>

378
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:16,937
Thanks, Meg.

379
00:17:16,961 --> 00:17:19,936
And I guess now
I'm qualified for this!

380
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:20,960
Unemployment!

381
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,960
Now I'm a regular Yankee geezer!

382
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,936
Hi. It's me again.</c>

383
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,936
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 star,</c>

384
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:35,136
enviro-campaigner</c>
and offshore tax haven lover.</c>

385
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:39,616
Human rights abuses</c>
have got to stop now. End of.</c>

386
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,936
Apart from in China, Russia and</c>
Bahrain - I do have to race there.</c>

387
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,616
But apart from them, sort it out!</c>

388
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,160
I used to date a Pussycat Doll!</c>

389
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:56,136
Kier, loving your whole radical
shake-up of the Labour Party.

390
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,936
Love. In'. It.

391
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,936
Thanks very much, Sir Elton.</c>

392
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,936
Please, just Elton.

393
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,936
Anyway, bit of advice -

394
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,936
I think you could
zhoosh this up a bit.

395
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,936
I don't know. I don't want to</c>
distract from my message.</c>

396
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,936
The look IS the message.

397
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,936
You're going up against Boris

398
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,296
Fluffs-His-Hair-For-The-Camera
Johnson.

399
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,936
'Ere, let's try something.

400
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,936
You see, that's better already,
love.

401
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,936
Now, pretend
I'm the House of Commons.

402
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:23,937
All right...</c>

403
00:18:23,961 --> 00:18:25,936
Under proposed changes</c>
to Universal Credit...</c>

404
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,136
No!

405
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,936
Stop. Stop!

406
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,936
There's still something missing.

407
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:31,960
Hang on.

408
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,936
I think we've cracked it.

409
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,936
You do know we're the Labour Party?</c>

410
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,936
Shut it! Now, give it some zazz.

411
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,976
Year on year, GDP has fallen 12%.</c>

412
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,936
No. I'm sorry,
it's still not quite working.

413
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,936
There's only one option.
But, Elton...</c>

414
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,960
SIR Elton!

415
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,936
We call for another urgent review...</c>

416
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,936
Buhh! I tell you
what the problem with you is,

417
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,960
I'm not on drugs.

418
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,936
Seven of you?</c>

419
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,936
Gathered together?</c>
No, no, no.</c>

420
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,976
This is dangerous and i-illegal.</c>

421
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:14,960
You know how to make</c>
an o-o-outdoor gathering safe.</c>

422
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,960
Hunt grouse, stay healthy.</c>

423
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,936
Happy Sunday, everybody.

424
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,936
We're only a few weeks away
from the election,

425
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,936
arguably the most important day
in our country's history

426
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,936
since the premiere of
Jumanji 2: Welcome To The Jungle!

427
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,936
Now, I've never endorsed
a presidential candidate,

428
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,936
although I have endorsed
pretty much everything else,

429
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,936
including The Rock's
delicious Tequila!

430
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,936
Great before, during
or after your workout.

431
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,936
You guys know me.
If I go, I go big.

432
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,936
That's why I'm taking the bold step

433
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:54,936
of bravely endorsing the odds-on
favourite presidential candidate -

434
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:55,937
Joe Biden.

435
00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:58,936
Aren't you forgetting</c>
something, you giant goose?</c>

436
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,296
It's my little pocket pal,
Kevin Hart!

437
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,936
Don't forget to plug our new movie!</c>

438
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,936
That's not what this is about,
Kevin.

439
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,776
This Time It's Contractual.

440
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,296
Oh, and Kamala Harris.

441
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,960
Can I have a Kevin snack?</c>

442
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,960
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!</c>

443
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,936
What a fantastic day in New Zealand.

444
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:23,937
Meat pies, ginger crunch

445
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:26,136
and a positive balance of trade
with China.

446
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,936
I know, but sometimes I think...</c>

447
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,960
..couldn't things here</c>
be MORE fantastic?</c>

448
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,936
Where there's a wish, there's a way!</c>

449
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,456
Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern!</c>

450
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,936
Kia ora, children.</c>
What healthful weather we're having.</c>

451
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,136
Not a spit-spot of virus to be seen.</c>

452
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,936
Why, Jacinda Ardern,</c>
are you boasting?</c>

453
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,936
Practically perfect people</c>
never boast,</c>

454
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,800
they just get re-elected forever.</c>

455
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,976
♪ In a world of strongmen</c>
A nice lady came along</c>

456
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,936
♪ I'm kind and smart and young and</c>
Kind and good and kind and young</c>

457
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,936
♪ When I became New Zealand's boss</c>
I knew just what to do</c>

458
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,456
♪ Initiate a nanny state</c>
And turn our grey skies blue!</c>

459
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,776
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda

460
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,936
♪ Never mean and always green
And such a lovely grin-na

461
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,936
♪ If a virus comes around
She'll stop it going in ya

462
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,936
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda!

463
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,936
♪ Yum dumble dumble, dumble meat pie
Yum munchie munch, yum ginger crunch

464
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,936
♪ I banned all assault weapons</c>
And enforced a living wage</c>

465
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:25,616
♪ I gave birth to a child</c>
At an advanced maternal age</c>

466
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,936
♪ I put us into lockdown</c>
Faster than the Yanks and Brits</c>

467
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,936
♪ And now NZ is virus-free</c>
We've kicked it in the tits! Oh!</c>

468
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,936
♪ Super-quick Jacinda
Taking action straight away

469
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,936
♪ That virus had no chance against
Our badass Kiwi bae

470
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,936
♪ With her gentle touch
And iron fist

471
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:40,937
♪ Cleared COVID off the scene

472
00:21:40,961 --> 00:21:44,936
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ♪

473
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,936
COUGHS Young man,</c>

474
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,936
do you have the impertinence</c>
to be ill in New Zealand?</c>

475
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,616
I was just clearing my throat.</c>
I'm probably fine.</c>

476
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:54,936
Do you know how hard it is</c>
to quarantine two small islands</c>

477
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,936
with low population</c>
and a wealth of natural resources</c>

478
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,936
that renders us</c>
completely self-sufficient?!</c>

479
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,936
Not... that... hard?</c>

480
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,960
That's quite enough of that. I can</c>
see there's only one thing to do.</c>

481
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,936
I am delighted to announce</c>
no new cases of coronavirus!</c>

482
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,960
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ♪

483
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,936
The ignorant and lazy adults that</c>
have robbed me off my future,</c>

484
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,936
by which I mean network executives,</c>

485
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,936
have told me to bring</c>
a lighter touch</c>

486
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,936
and also to cover</c>
afternoon drive time.</c>

487
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,936
So, today, a mix of sun and clouds.</c>

488
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,936
Chance of sprinkles,</c>
don't forget your brellie.</c>

489
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,936
All clear by your evening commute.</c>

490
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,936
Tomorrow</c>
and for the rest of eternity -</c>

491
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,936
HOT!</c>

492
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,960
Subtitles by ITV SignPost

493
00:23:00,984 --> 00:23:02,984
<font color="#ffff00">>>>>oakislandtk<<<<<</font>
<font color="#ffff00">www.opensubtitles.org</font>