1
00:00:14,981 --> 00:00:18,181
Hi, guys. Joe Wicks back
for lockdown number two.

2
00:00:18,181 --> 00:00:20,981
Now, just because we've been
through all this before,

3
00:00:20,981 --> 00:00:22,341
doesn't mean we have to slack off.

4
00:00:22,341 --> 00:00:24,981
Staying positive and exercising
for mental health

5
00:00:24,981 --> 00:00:26,981
is even more important.

6
00:00:26,981 --> 00:00:29,981
So, let's stay positive,
positive, positive.

7
00:00:29,981 --> 00:00:31,981
Star jumps, press-ups...

8
00:00:35,981 --> 00:00:37,021
CORONA SIGHS

9
00:00:37,021 --> 00:00:39,981
Mind if I join you, kid?

10
00:00:39,981 --> 00:00:41,981
Hey, didn't you use to be the flu?

11
00:00:41,981 --> 00:00:44,181
I am still am, baby.

12
00:00:44,181 --> 00:00:47,981
Boy, hasn't been the same
since my press agent died on me.

13
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,981
You look down in the dumps.

14
00:00:49,981 --> 00:00:51,981
They've got a vaccine against me.

15
00:00:51,981 --> 00:00:53,981
90% effective.

16
00:00:53,981 --> 00:00:55,981
That's the business, kid.

17
00:00:55,981 --> 00:00:57,981
One minute you're grabbing
the headlines

18
00:00:57,981 --> 00:00:59,981
hosted by presidents
and prime ministers,

19
00:00:59,981 --> 00:01:01,981
next thing,
you're a seasonal infection

20
00:01:01,981 --> 00:01:02,981
people treat with nasal spray.

21
00:01:04,661 --> 00:01:06,981
Oh, wow! Hey, that hurts!

22
00:01:06,981 --> 00:01:08,981
Anyway, I heard you killed
with the mink.

23
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:11,981
Mink? It's a Beverly Hills rat!

24
00:01:11,981 --> 00:01:14,981
Still, it beats bats and pangolins.

25
00:01:14,981 --> 00:01:18,661
God, I hate the taste of pangolins.
Eurgh!

26
00:01:18,661 --> 00:01:20,981
Hey, respect your roots.

27
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,981
You don't hear me dumping on ducks.

28
00:01:22,981 --> 00:01:25,021
Well, what am I supposed to do now?

29
00:01:25,021 --> 00:01:28,981
Relax.
You think Chickenpox is worried?

30
00:01:28,981 --> 00:01:30,181
He's throwing kids' parties.

31
00:01:30,181 --> 00:01:33,661
And his Uncle Shingles is huge
with the cruise ship crowd.

32
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:38,981
Yeah. Maybe I just gotta
mutate with the times.

33
00:01:38,981 --> 00:01:40,661
That's the spirit.

34
00:01:40,661 --> 00:01:42,981
Shots?
Shots?

35
00:01:42,981 --> 00:01:45,981
I'm joking, kid. Loosen up.

36
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:50,981
A toast to the anti-vaxxers,
cos there ain't no cure for stupid.

37
00:01:50,981 --> 00:01:52,981
THEY LAUGH

38
00:01:52,981 --> 00:01:55,981
Do you mind if I get the barman?
Go for it.

39
00:01:59,981 --> 00:02:01,981
SQUELCHING

40
00:02:03,501 --> 00:02:05,981
This could take a while.

41
00:02:08,981 --> 00:02:11,981
New James Bond auditions,
Black Baby Yoda, take one.

42
00:02:11,981 --> 00:02:15,341
HE GROWLS
Bond, my name is.

43
00:02:15,341 --> 00:02:17,821
You've got the part.

44
00:02:17,821 --> 00:02:19,021
♪ California dreaming... ♪

45
00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:22,981
Harry, it came, it finally came.

46
00:02:22,981 --> 00:02:25,981
It's an invy
to a fancy formal event.

47
00:02:25,981 --> 00:02:28,981
The Obama Foundation Awards Gala.

48
00:02:28,981 --> 00:02:32,981
Oh, is this one of them
socks and shoes things?

49
00:02:32,981 --> 00:02:34,981
The important thing is,
Michelle will be there.

50
00:02:34,981 --> 00:02:37,981
She's turning her book Becoming
into a big-budget movie.

51
00:02:37,981 --> 00:02:41,981
This is my chance to convince her
I'd be perfect to play the lead.

52
00:02:41,981 --> 00:02:44,981
When they go low, we go high!

53
00:02:44,981 --> 00:02:45,981
Fantastic.

54
00:02:45,981 --> 00:02:49,501
I will be-coming
to watch that movie!

55
00:02:49,501 --> 00:02:51,981
HE CHUCKLES
Hang on.

56
00:02:51,981 --> 00:02:53,981
This invitation is for LeBron James.

57
00:02:53,981 --> 00:02:56,981
Dur! I've been rifling through
his mailbox every day

58
00:02:56,981 --> 00:02:59,981
so I could grab it before he does.
Brilliant.

59
00:02:59,981 --> 00:03:01,981
I'd do anything to land a role
in that movie.

60
00:03:01,981 --> 00:03:02,981
Even read the book?

61
00:03:02,981 --> 00:03:04,821
Not anything anything.

62
00:03:04,821 --> 00:03:05,981
BABY BURPS

63
00:03:05,981 --> 00:03:07,981
Oh!

64
00:03:13,981 --> 00:03:16,181
God I miss home.
Any word from sweet lady Earth,

65
00:03:16,181 --> 00:03:18,821
the World Wide Wench?

66
00:03:18,821 --> 00:03:21,981
With the votes finally tallied
and the lawsuits just beginning,

67
00:03:21,981 --> 00:03:22,981
we can confirm that

68
00:03:22,981 --> 00:03:25,981
the next President
of the United States is

69
00:03:25,981 --> 00:03:26,981
Joe Biden!

70
00:03:28,021 --> 00:03:30,981
Piece of shit.
EXPLOSION

71
00:03:30,981 --> 00:03:31,981
Joe Biden won.

72
00:03:31,981 --> 00:03:35,981
So what's the big catastrophe that
sent us scurrying across space

73
00:03:35,981 --> 00:03:37,981
like schoolboys
scared of a firecracker?

74
00:03:37,981 --> 00:03:39,981
I really don't get it.

75
00:03:39,981 --> 00:03:42,981
Why did my future self warn me
to leave Earth?

76
00:03:42,981 --> 00:03:45,981
So after I shot him head first
into the wall and knocked him out,

77
00:03:45,981 --> 00:03:48,981
I whispered into his ear,
"Mars needs your genius."

78
00:03:48,981 --> 00:03:50,981
His colossal ego did the rest.

79
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:53,341
OK, OK, so let me understand.

80
00:03:53,341 --> 00:03:57,981
Elon Musk, our greatest entrepreneur
is trapped on Mars forever.

81
00:03:57,981 --> 00:03:58,981
Not just Elon.

82
00:03:58,981 --> 00:04:00,981
Also Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson.

83
00:04:02,981 --> 00:04:06,181
THEY CHEER
CELEBRATORY MUSIC

84
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,981
I am bloody well miffed.

85
00:04:09,981 --> 00:04:13,341
One of you wibbling weasels
leaked my lockdown plan.

86
00:04:13,341 --> 00:04:15,981
I tell you something in secret,
a second later it's on the news.

87
00:04:15,981 --> 00:04:17,981
PHONE CHIMES

88
00:04:17,981 --> 00:04:20,981
"Breaking news - Boris annoyed
at wibbling weasels."

89
00:04:20,981 --> 00:04:22,981
Right, that settles it.

90
00:04:22,981 --> 00:04:25,981
Dom, find out
who is our leakius maximus.

91
00:04:25,981 --> 00:04:27,981
It'll be my pleasure.

92
00:04:27,981 --> 00:04:29,021
Let's start with you, Sunak.

93
00:04:29,021 --> 00:04:31,981
Wait!
Here's ten million quid

94
00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:35,501
for one of your mates in the form
of a public sector contract.

95
00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:38,981
I have no mates...
until the time of the swarming.

96
00:04:38,981 --> 00:04:41,341
I will see what is in your brain
with my mind scan

97
00:04:41,341 --> 00:04:43,981
I learned in the torture domes
of Epsilon Five.

98
00:04:43,981 --> 00:04:45,981
I mean Russia. I mean Durham!

99
00:04:46,981 --> 00:04:48,981
Hey! Watch the hair.

100
00:04:48,981 --> 00:04:49,981
EXTRATERRESTRIAL MUSIC

101
00:04:52,981 --> 00:04:55,981
Rishi, Rishi, Rishi.
Rishi, Rishi, Rishi.

102
00:04:56,981 --> 00:04:58,981
Unbridled ego.

103
00:04:58,981 --> 00:04:59,981
Definite leaker.

104
00:05:06,981 --> 00:05:09,981
I'm sorry about the R number,
Mr Cuddles.

105
00:05:15,981 --> 00:05:18,661
Weakness equals leakness.

106
00:05:23,981 --> 00:05:25,981
Hm, my mind meld fuse blew.

107
00:05:25,981 --> 00:05:28,981
There must be something
really horrible inside this one.

108
00:05:28,981 --> 00:05:30,981
It's not illegal
if you just think it.

109
00:05:30,981 --> 00:05:33,981
Well, Domo, who's our rat?

110
00:05:33,981 --> 00:05:34,981
All of them, obviously.

111
00:05:34,981 --> 00:05:38,981
Hand over your phones and
everything else in your pockets.

112
00:05:43,501 --> 00:05:44,981
PHONE BEEPS

113
00:05:44,981 --> 00:05:47,661
"That freak Cummings
has to go by Christmas."

114
00:05:47,661 --> 00:05:48,981
Who leaked that?

115
00:05:49,981 --> 00:05:51,981
Oh, come on,
it could have been anyone.

116
00:05:54,181 --> 00:05:57,981
My elusive cellphone has found
its way off the dinner table

117
00:05:57,981 --> 00:05:59,981
and is lost somewhere on the floor.

118
00:05:59,981 --> 00:06:01,981
Still, if we take care,

119
00:06:01,981 --> 00:06:04,981
there is still time to recover
the phone without damage.

120
00:06:04,981 --> 00:06:07,661
CRACKING
Oh, fucking shit!

121
00:06:09,981 --> 00:06:12,661
LeBron, I can't believe
you never got your invitation.

122
00:06:12,661 --> 00:06:15,981
I personally licked the stamp.
Double licked it.

123
00:06:15,981 --> 00:06:17,981
Dropped through the slot,
the whole shebang.

124
00:06:17,981 --> 00:06:18,981
Never got it.

125
00:06:18,981 --> 00:06:22,181
I'm only here because I was walking
by and saw my name on the marquee.

126
00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:23,981
Damn Post Office.

127
00:06:23,981 --> 00:06:26,981
I should have shut that whole
operation down when I was in charge.

128
00:06:26,981 --> 00:06:29,821
He still angry your book
sold better than his?

129
00:06:29,821 --> 00:06:32,981
Trust me, that's a whole chapter
for my next book.

130
00:06:32,981 --> 00:06:36,981
Blimey, Megs, you're a dead ringer
for Michelle Obama.

131
00:06:36,981 --> 00:06:39,181
When everyone sees
how perfectly I channel her,

132
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:41,981
they'll totally give me the role.
Hang on.

133
00:06:41,981 --> 00:06:43,981
I have to direct your movie.

134
00:06:43,981 --> 00:06:45,981
No-one understands
the Black experience like me.

135
00:06:45,981 --> 00:06:46,981
HE SPLUTTERS

136
00:06:46,981 --> 00:06:50,981
I got it all mapped out, an homage
to '70s Indonesian kick-boxing.

137
00:06:50,981 --> 00:06:53,661
Two guys talk about Count Chocula
for 20 minutes.

138
00:06:53,661 --> 00:06:54,981
Mitch McConnell gets ice-picked.

139
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:57,981
Do you know who'd be great
to play Michelle?

140
00:06:57,981 --> 00:06:58,981
Meghan Markle.

141
00:06:58,981 --> 00:07:00,981
I do love resuscitating
has-beens' careers,

142
00:07:00,981 --> 00:07:03,341
but I'm not a fucking magician.

143
00:07:03,341 --> 00:07:05,981
Boris Johnson,
talk us through that performance.

144
00:07:05,981 --> 00:07:08,981
I think we were always
going to concede.

145
00:07:08,981 --> 00:07:11,981
Rashford was devastating on the left
and in the centre and on the right.

146
00:07:11,981 --> 00:07:13,181
I told the boys they should be proud

147
00:07:13,181 --> 00:07:15,821
of holding the line
as long as they did

148
00:07:15,821 --> 00:07:17,981
and on another day,
we'd have got something,

149
00:07:17,981 --> 00:07:20,341
especially against your Labours,
SNPs and Lib Dems.

150
00:07:20,341 --> 00:07:21,981
What about the own goal?
Which one?

151
00:07:21,981 --> 00:07:25,981
Good point. What was the mood like
on the back benches?

152
00:07:25,981 --> 00:07:27,981
Foaming with right-wing populism.

153
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:31,661
What about funding extra sports
facilities for disadvantaged kids?

154
00:07:31,661 --> 00:07:33,981
Absolutely not.
Out of the question.

155
00:07:33,981 --> 00:07:35,981
I didn't quite catch that.

156
00:07:35,981 --> 00:07:37,981
Ah, Rashford. Yo, my man.

157
00:07:37,981 --> 00:07:40,981
I said how does
two billion quid sound?

158
00:07:42,981 --> 00:07:44,981
EERIE MUSIC

159
00:07:44,981 --> 00:07:48,981
Er, hello. Joe Biden here
for my teeth clean.

160
00:07:48,981 --> 00:07:49,981
Step forward.

161
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:57,981
Welcome to
the Chamber of the Chosen.

162
00:07:57,981 --> 00:08:00,981
Hey, thanks.
Where do I rinse and spit?

163
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:03,981
That appointment was merely a ruse
to lure you here.

164
00:08:03,981 --> 00:08:05,981
We are the Illuminati.

165
00:08:05,981 --> 00:08:07,981
You have achieved great power,
Joseph Biden.

166
00:08:07,981 --> 00:08:11,981
Now, you are eligible to join
our elite order.

167
00:08:11,981 --> 00:08:13,981
I'm already in a lot of clubs,

168
00:08:13,981 --> 00:08:16,981
the Automobile Club,
the Haircut Club at Scissors.

169
00:08:16,981 --> 00:08:19,981
We control currencies,
manipulate markets,

170
00:08:19,981 --> 00:08:21,981
communicate with the dead.

171
00:08:21,981 --> 00:08:23,981
Yeah, but I'm one punch hole away

172
00:08:23,981 --> 00:08:25,181
from a free haircut.

173
00:08:25,181 --> 00:08:26,981
Oh, goodbye yellow brick road.

174
00:08:26,981 --> 00:08:28,981
Membership in our sacred order

175
00:08:28,981 --> 00:08:31,981
does not preclude
your quaint haircut arrangement.

176
00:08:31,981 --> 00:08:35,981
Just saying I'm hearing
a lot of sizzle but no steak.

177
00:08:35,981 --> 00:08:38,981
I see we must give you
a demonstration of our power.

178
00:08:38,981 --> 00:08:40,981
Behold.

179
00:08:45,981 --> 00:08:48,981
A free breakfast buffet?
I'm in.

180
00:08:48,981 --> 00:08:50,181
Great, great.

181
00:08:50,181 --> 00:08:52,981
Technically it's free...
with the entrance fee.

182
00:08:52,981 --> 00:08:55,021
Here it comes, the catch.

183
00:08:55,021 --> 00:08:57,981
The good news is that
if you recruit two members,

184
00:08:57,981 --> 00:08:59,981
you get a share
of their entrance fees.

185
00:08:59,981 --> 00:09:03,981
And if they recruit two members,
you get a quarter of that.

186
00:09:03,981 --> 00:09:07,981
So this thing's not so much
a conspiracy as a pyramid scheme.

187
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,981
Well, it is the logo,
it's not like we're hiding it.

188
00:09:09,981 --> 00:09:11,981
Why do you rich, famous people

189
00:09:11,981 --> 00:09:14,981
need all these robes and skulls
and sex rituals?

190
00:09:14,981 --> 00:09:16,981
We didn't say anything
about sex rituals.

191
00:09:16,981 --> 00:09:19,661
Fresh ideas, let him speak.

192
00:09:19,661 --> 00:09:21,021
What's the point
of a secret organisation

193
00:09:21,021 --> 00:09:22,981
that everybody knows about

194
00:09:22,981 --> 00:09:24,981
and you can't get anything
you don't already have?

195
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,501
And no sex rituals.

196
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:28,981
I'm not saying no.

197
00:09:28,981 --> 00:09:30,981
I'm just saying
I've got dirty teeth.

198
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:34,981
Fine! Take a seat, love.

199
00:09:34,981 --> 00:09:37,981
GONG SOUNDS
Ah-ha!

200
00:09:37,981 --> 00:09:39,981
Well, this is very exciting.

201
00:09:39,981 --> 00:09:42,981
But why do you want to be
our new housekeeper, Idris?

202
00:09:42,981 --> 00:09:45,181
The government said
I had to retrain, so I did.

203
00:09:45,181 --> 00:09:47,981
Basic level domestic management.

204
00:09:47,981 --> 00:09:49,981
So, any specialist skills?

205
00:09:49,981 --> 00:09:51,981
I can smoulder.

206
00:09:53,981 --> 00:09:55,501
Jolly good, then.

207
00:09:55,501 --> 00:09:57,021
THEY SIGH

208
00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:01,341
What's wrong with this patient?

209
00:10:01,341 --> 00:10:03,981
Healer Gwyneth, he has shock,
inflammation,

210
00:10:03,981 --> 00:10:05,981
and extreme pain
where his appendix is.

211
00:10:05,981 --> 00:10:06,981
Ow!

212
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,981
The problem is obvious,
he's stressed out by modern living.

213
00:10:09,981 --> 00:10:13,661
Two jars of manuka honey vinegar
and a cork yoga mat stat!

214
00:10:13,661 --> 00:10:14,981
I feel more relaxed already.

215
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:19,981
Healer Gwyneth, please help.

216
00:10:19,981 --> 00:10:22,981
Let me guess,
you have a disquieted aura?

217
00:10:22,981 --> 00:10:24,981
No, I've cut off my hand.

218
00:10:24,981 --> 00:10:26,981
And you need to remember
where you put it.

219
00:10:26,981 --> 00:10:29,341
I've got it,
CBD-infused cucumber water.

220
00:10:29,341 --> 00:10:30,981
GLASS SMASHES

221
00:10:30,981 --> 00:10:32,501
About our therapies,

222
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:35,501
$200 for a pelvic exercise pillow?

223
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:37,981
If they're not overpriced,
people won't believe in them.

224
00:10:37,981 --> 00:10:39,981
Do you understand nothing
about medicine?

225
00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:46,341
You're killing yourself
for this hospital, Gwyneth. Brad!

226
00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:50,021
Your eucalyptus infusium saved me
from career-destroying self-doubt.

227
00:10:50,021 --> 00:10:53,981
Now I want to save you. Run away
with me before it's too late.

228
00:10:53,981 --> 00:10:56,181
I... I...

229
00:10:56,181 --> 00:10:57,981
Healer Gwyneth!

230
00:10:57,981 --> 00:10:58,981
Gunshot wound.

231
00:10:58,981 --> 00:11:01,981
I'm sorry, it's too late.

232
00:11:01,981 --> 00:11:04,981
You'll have to use
traditional Western medicine.

233
00:11:04,981 --> 00:11:07,981
Please no, anything but that.

234
00:11:07,981 --> 00:11:09,981
Well, there is
an experimental treatment.

235
00:11:11,981 --> 00:11:14,021
You did it. You're incredible.

236
00:11:16,981 --> 00:11:18,981
..commitment to the young people of
our communities...

237
00:11:18,981 --> 00:11:20,341
Hey, girl!

238
00:11:20,341 --> 00:11:22,981
Bet you think
you're looking in a mirror.

239
00:11:22,981 --> 00:11:23,981
Hello, Meghan.

240
00:11:23,981 --> 00:11:25,981
Aren't you kind of old for cosplay?

241
00:11:25,981 --> 00:11:27,981
Oh, no, this is serious business.

242
00:11:27,981 --> 00:11:31,821
When I heard about your movie,
I had this brilliant idea,

243
00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:32,981
I should play you!

244
00:11:32,981 --> 00:11:35,981
And what's the brilliant part?

245
00:11:35,981 --> 00:11:37,981
If you're worried
about the age difference, don't,

246
00:11:37,981 --> 00:11:41,821
they can age me up
with tons of rubber and glue.

247
00:11:41,821 --> 00:11:43,501
I'll sit in that makeup chair
all day.

248
00:11:43,501 --> 00:11:45,981
Look, I'm about to give an award
to LeBron James,

249
00:11:45,981 --> 00:11:48,181
We can talk about this later.

250
00:11:48,181 --> 00:11:49,981
Absolutely, absolutely.

251
00:11:49,981 --> 00:11:51,981
When and where can we
talk about this later?

252
00:11:51,981 --> 00:11:53,981
How about when pigs fly

253
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:56,981
and where, out of my ass.

254
00:11:56,981 --> 00:12:00,981
Location of my ass.

255
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:01,981
Ready to start, Billie?

256
00:12:01,981 --> 00:12:03,981
No, I hate this. Life sucks.

257
00:12:03,981 --> 00:12:06,981
Everyone's an asshole.
Why are men such dicks?

258
00:12:06,981 --> 00:12:08,981
I'm bored, I wanna die.

259
00:12:08,981 --> 00:12:09,981
And we're done, another hit.

260
00:12:09,981 --> 00:12:12,981
♪ No, I hate this

261
00:12:12,981 --> 00:12:14,341
♪ Life sucks

262
00:12:14,341 --> 00:12:16,981
♪ Everyone's an asshole

263
00:12:16,981 --> 00:12:18,021
♪ Why are men such dicks

264
00:12:18,021 --> 00:12:20,981
♪ I wanna die. ♪

265
00:12:20,981 --> 00:12:24,661
Tiger Woods, yes, woo-hoo!

266
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,501
Come on, I'm playing golf
with Tiger Woods.

267
00:12:26,501 --> 00:12:27,981
Tiger Woods, everyone.

268
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,981
I'm so excited. Unbelievable. Yes!

269
00:12:30,981 --> 00:12:32,981
Thanks, James.

270
00:12:32,981 --> 00:12:34,981
Three years ago,
I thought my career was over.

271
00:12:34,981 --> 00:12:37,981
Look at me now.
It's really exciting.

272
00:12:37,981 --> 00:12:39,981
Oh, it's been amazing, mate.

273
00:12:39,981 --> 00:12:40,981
Amazing!

274
00:12:40,981 --> 00:12:43,981
Yeah, conquered my addictions,
and more importantly,

275
00:12:43,981 --> 00:12:45,981
my anger management issues.

276
00:12:45,981 --> 00:12:46,981
'Tiger Woods to tee off.'

277
00:12:48,981 --> 00:12:50,981
Yes, Tiger!

278
00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:52,981
This man beat
his anger management issues.

279
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:55,981
'And that's going left.
Uh-oh, Tiger's in the water hazard.'

280
00:12:55,981 --> 00:12:57,981
Oh, shoot.

281
00:12:57,981 --> 00:12:58,981
Tiger, it's gone in the pool.

282
00:12:58,981 --> 00:13:02,981
So we could play golf pool karaoke!

283
00:13:02,981 --> 00:13:04,981
♪ Look at the stars

284
00:13:04,981 --> 00:13:07,981
♪ Look how they shine... #
It's Coldplay, Tiger, join in.

285
00:13:07,981 --> 00:13:10,981
I have to take my tee shot again.
What an absolute ledge!

286
00:13:10,981 --> 00:13:12,981
Only you can do that.

287
00:13:13,981 --> 00:13:16,981
Look at that swing. Incredible!

288
00:13:16,981 --> 00:13:17,981
Four!

289
00:13:17,981 --> 00:13:19,981
'And Tiger's hit a goose
in the water.

290
00:13:19,981 --> 00:13:22,981
'He's killed
a protected Canada goose.'

291
00:13:24,981 --> 00:13:28,981
Please don't talk when I'm swinging.
Whoops-a-daisy!

292
00:13:28,981 --> 00:13:31,981
You're not angry or anything?
No. I'm calm.

293
00:13:31,981 --> 00:13:34,981
Anger is the demon.
Anger is the demon.

294
00:13:36,981 --> 00:13:38,981
Tiger Woods, everybody!

295
00:13:38,981 --> 00:13:39,981
'He missed the ball completely.'

296
00:13:39,981 --> 00:13:40,981
Ah!

297
00:13:40,981 --> 00:13:42,981
Shut up!

298
00:13:42,981 --> 00:13:44,981
Ow!
Shut up,

299
00:13:44,981 --> 00:13:48,021
you goddamn loud-mouthed,
limey asshole!

300
00:13:48,021 --> 00:13:50,981
Tiger is beating me up.

301
00:13:50,981 --> 00:13:51,981
What an honour.

302
00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:54,981
Officer, that black man
attacked that white man.

303
00:13:54,981 --> 00:13:56,821
Hm, that's a tricky one.

304
00:13:56,821 --> 00:13:57,981
The white man is James Corden.

305
00:13:57,981 --> 00:14:00,981
Oh, now it's easy.
Excuse me, Mr Woods.

306
00:14:00,981 --> 00:14:02,981
Agh!

307
00:14:02,981 --> 00:14:04,981
American cops, best in the world!

308
00:14:04,981 --> 00:14:06,981
Argh! Am I right?

309
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:11,981
♪ C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris. ♪

310
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:13,981
I'm back in gay Paris,

311
00:14:13,981 --> 00:14:16,981
city of romance
and unrequited Brexit deals.

312
00:14:19,981 --> 00:14:22,021
Emmanuel! Emmanuel!

313
00:14:22,021 --> 00:14:24,981
Oh, Govey, I didn't expect you.

314
00:14:24,981 --> 00:14:27,981
I've thought it over and

315
00:14:27,981 --> 00:14:31,661
I'm finally ready for you tonight.

316
00:14:31,661 --> 00:14:33,981
Let's shaft the fishing community.

317
00:14:33,981 --> 00:14:35,981
And each other.

318
00:14:35,981 --> 00:14:37,981
Actually, Govey, things have become,

319
00:14:37,981 --> 00:14:40,181
as you would say,
"hashtag complicated."

320
00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:44,981
Joe Biden.
Are you from the BBC?

321
00:14:44,981 --> 00:14:45,981
I'm Irish.

322
00:14:45,981 --> 00:14:47,981
I want a relationship
with no boundaries

323
00:14:47,981 --> 00:14:52,981
and so does Joe, and I would
do anything to keep Joe happy.

324
00:14:53,981 --> 00:14:56,981
Er, no, no.
Mon ami.

325
00:14:56,981 --> 00:14:57,981
Whoa, Mr Licky.

326
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,021
Your crepes suzettes.

327
00:15:01,021 --> 00:15:02,981
Oh, pancakes a horse sat on.

328
00:15:02,981 --> 00:15:06,661
So, is this the end
of Govey in Paris?

329
00:15:06,661 --> 00:15:07,981
Again?

330
00:15:07,981 --> 00:15:08,981
I'm riding with Biden.

331
00:15:08,981 --> 00:15:10,981
There's no drama with him.

332
00:15:10,981 --> 00:15:12,981
He's setting fire to the pancakes.

333
00:15:12,981 --> 00:15:14,981
Old Joe's got this.

334
00:15:19,981 --> 00:15:21,981
What can I say, Govey?

335
00:15:21,981 --> 00:15:23,021
He makes me laugh.

336
00:15:23,021 --> 00:15:25,981
♪ C'est Govey en Paris... ♪

337
00:15:33,981 --> 00:15:36,981
What's good, cow?
Universe treating you OK?

338
00:15:36,981 --> 00:15:38,981
You didn't touch your tofu.

339
00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:40,981
COW MOOS

340
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:45,981
Well, howdy! You must be the Mr West
that done bought this ranch.

341
00:15:45,981 --> 00:15:48,981
What is she? 6,000 acres? Hooey!

342
00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:51,981
Yeah, but I don't think
in terms of size, you know?

343
00:15:51,981 --> 00:15:56,341
It's about ideas,
ideas per square inch.

344
00:15:56,341 --> 00:15:58,501
There's one, there's another one.

345
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,981
You had one on your neck.
Thank you.

346
00:16:00,981 --> 00:16:04,981
So, what are you breeding here?
Angus? Hereford? Longhorn?

347
00:16:04,981 --> 00:16:07,501
Shoehorn.
COW MOOS

348
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:11,661
Oh, I get it. You're gonna turn
their hides into shoe leather

349
00:16:11,661 --> 00:16:13,981
for some fancy ten-dollar sneakers.

350
00:16:13,981 --> 00:16:14,981
Na, too slow.

351
00:16:14,981 --> 00:16:17,981
I got my scientists
to just breed livestock

352
00:16:17,981 --> 00:16:19,981
to grow sneakers instead of feet.

353
00:16:19,981 --> 00:16:21,981
That's my new Yeezy Boost 875.

354
00:16:23,821 --> 00:16:25,981
Size ten-and-a-half, almost done.

355
00:16:25,981 --> 00:16:28,981
Clip those off and boom,
ready to go.

356
00:16:28,981 --> 00:16:30,821
Holy crickets!

357
00:16:30,821 --> 00:16:32,021
You got giraffes too?

358
00:16:32,021 --> 00:16:34,341
Yeah, that's high-tops.

359
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:36,821
GIRAFFE SQUEALS

360
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,981
I didn't know giraffes could scream.

361
00:16:38,981 --> 00:16:40,981
I like you.
When I'm next president,

362
00:16:40,981 --> 00:16:43,821
you can be secretary of pants
and accessories.

363
00:16:43,821 --> 00:16:44,981
I appreciate it.

364
00:16:44,981 --> 00:16:46,981
I just got one question now,

365
00:16:46,981 --> 00:16:50,981
them steers mind terribly
when you cut off their feet?

366
00:16:50,981 --> 00:16:52,021
Na, they love it.

367
00:16:52,021 --> 00:16:53,981
We stick 'em on skateboards.

368
00:16:53,981 --> 00:16:56,981
WHEELS RATTLE
COW MOOS

369
00:16:58,981 --> 00:17:01,981
David, I've had a brilliant idea.

370
00:17:01,981 --> 00:17:04,661
A new musical
of the live-action Lion King.

371
00:17:04,661 --> 00:17:06,981
But there's already
a stage production.

372
00:17:06,981 --> 00:17:08,341
That was of the cartoon.

373
00:17:08,341 --> 00:17:10,821
This would be of
the live-action film.

374
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:11,981
Right, how would it be different?

375
00:17:11,981 --> 00:17:15,501
Well, the main difference is
there would be real lions on stage.

376
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:18,981
But how would you stop them going
into the audience and eating them?

377
00:17:18,981 --> 00:17:20,821
Why can't you ever
bring me solutions?

378
00:17:20,821 --> 00:17:21,981
All you ever bring me is problems.

379
00:17:23,341 --> 00:17:26,821
Elton, I'm sorry.
I'll make it happen.

380
00:17:27,661 --> 00:17:28,981
Hmph!

381
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,501
LIONS ROAR
SCREAMING

382
00:17:31,501 --> 00:17:32,981
That's the first opening night

383
00:17:32,981 --> 00:17:34,981
the critics have been savaged
by the cast.

384
00:17:34,981 --> 00:17:37,981
Shut up, David!
You've ruined my dream...

385
00:17:37,981 --> 00:17:38,981
again.

386
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:48,981
Once upon a time,
there was a town called Hamelin.

387
00:17:48,981 --> 00:17:51,981
People, we all know
we have a rodent problem,

388
00:17:51,981 --> 00:17:53,981
but I propose
we deal with it humanely.

389
00:17:53,981 --> 00:17:57,661
After all, rats have rights too.

390
00:17:57,661 --> 00:18:00,981
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

391
00:18:00,981 --> 00:18:02,981
I'd like to introduce you
to the Pied Piper.

392
00:18:02,981 --> 00:18:05,661
He's going to lure the rats away
without harm

393
00:18:05,661 --> 00:18:06,981
using a penny whistle.

394
00:18:06,981 --> 00:18:09,981
Hi, guys. Loving the vibe.

395
00:18:09,981 --> 00:18:13,981
This is crazy. There's only
one sure way to deal with rats -

396
00:18:13,981 --> 00:18:15,981
get some shotguns and shoot them.

397
00:18:15,981 --> 00:18:18,981
No, we're going with Rupert
and his penny whistle.

398
00:18:19,981 --> 00:18:22,181
CRYING

399
00:18:22,181 --> 00:18:24,181
Our children!

400
00:18:24,181 --> 00:18:26,981
The Pied Piper took our children!

401
00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:31,661
If you got a rat problem,
go for the guy with the gun.

402
00:18:31,661 --> 00:18:35,981
The National Rifle Association -
the voice of reason!

403
00:18:41,981 --> 00:18:44,981
Now, over here I'm excavating

404
00:18:44,981 --> 00:18:48,981
my thousand-foot wide
meditation crater.

405
00:18:48,981 --> 00:18:50,981
Gonna have aromatherapy,
sonic waves,

406
00:18:50,981 --> 00:18:53,341
and most important,
the parabolic surface

407
00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,981
will project my thoughts and ideas
into the universe.

408
00:18:56,981 --> 00:19:00,981
Well, saddle my chicken,
you're an independent thinker.

409
00:19:00,981 --> 00:19:04,981
That's Wyoming speak for
rich folks what's gone ding-dong.

410
00:19:04,981 --> 00:19:06,501
Not so fast, partner.

411
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:10,661
You the sheriff round these parts?

412
00:19:11,981 --> 00:19:14,501
No, I'm from
the Environmental Protection Agency

413
00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:16,981
in Washington DC.
A Federale!

414
00:19:16,981 --> 00:19:20,981
Mr West, you haven't filed
the requisite paperwork

415
00:19:20,981 --> 00:19:22,981
to commence construction
on this so-called

416
00:19:22,981 --> 00:19:25,981
"cosmic thought
vibration projector."

417
00:19:25,981 --> 00:19:28,981
I didn't come to Wyoming to listen
to some jackbooted federal agent.

418
00:19:30,981 --> 00:19:32,981
Nice jackboots, by the way.

419
00:19:32,981 --> 00:19:34,981
Thanks, that means something
coming from you.

420
00:19:34,981 --> 00:19:37,981
Look, it's purely a formality.

421
00:19:37,981 --> 00:19:40,341
Just sign this form saying you
won't harm any bison or antelope.

422
00:19:40,341 --> 00:19:42,821
I'm gonna cut their feet off.
Is that OK?

423
00:19:42,821 --> 00:19:43,981
That's fine.

424
00:19:43,981 --> 00:19:45,981
One small signature
and I'm on my way.

425
00:19:45,981 --> 00:19:47,981
Sorry, can't do it.

426
00:19:47,981 --> 00:19:48,981
♪ Can't see my way through it

427
00:19:48,981 --> 00:19:51,981
♪ Now that I'm a westerner
living on a... a... ♪

428
00:19:51,981 --> 00:19:52,981
What do you call it?

429
00:19:52,981 --> 00:19:54,021
A ranch.

430
00:19:54,021 --> 00:19:56,981
Damn! I was hoping it would rhyme
with westerner.

431
00:19:56,981 --> 00:20:00,021
Anyway, I gotta stand up
for my conservative principles,

432
00:20:00,021 --> 00:20:03,981
building a solar-powered, nudist,
vegan meditation crater.

433
00:20:03,981 --> 00:20:06,981
No liberal Washington EPA's
gonna shut me down.

434
00:20:06,981 --> 00:20:08,981
Get the fuck off my land!

435
00:20:08,981 --> 00:20:10,981
Namaste.

436
00:20:10,981 --> 00:20:13,021
You're asking for big trouble,
hombre.

437
00:20:13,021 --> 00:20:15,981
If it's a showdown you want,

438
00:20:15,981 --> 00:20:17,981
it's a throw-down you got.
Bessie!

439
00:20:17,981 --> 00:20:18,981
Roll him off the ranch.

440
00:20:18,981 --> 00:20:20,981
Er...

441
00:20:20,981 --> 00:20:22,981
Wait, wait!

442
00:20:25,981 --> 00:20:27,981
Well, Michelle Obama blew you off

443
00:20:27,981 --> 00:20:29,981
and I had to listen to
Quentin Tarantino.

444
00:20:29,981 --> 00:20:31,981
It's been a shit night!

445
00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:32,981
I'm not giving up.

446
00:20:32,981 --> 00:20:34,981
I want you to distract
Michelle Obama

447
00:20:34,981 --> 00:20:36,981
so I can present that award
to LeBron.

448
00:20:36,981 --> 00:20:40,981
Then, when everyone's fooled,
I reveal it's me,

449
00:20:40,981 --> 00:20:42,981
they'll hand me that role
on a plate!

450
00:20:42,981 --> 00:20:43,981
Brilliant!

451
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:45,981
But how do I distract Michelle?

452
00:20:45,981 --> 00:20:49,501
I don't know, with witty
conversation... or something.

453
00:20:49,501 --> 00:20:50,981
Or something.

454
00:20:50,981 --> 00:20:53,981
Hm.

455
00:20:59,981 --> 00:21:01,981
SHE SCREAMS

456
00:21:01,981 --> 00:21:04,981
Don't worry, Michelle,
we're trying to save your movie.

457
00:21:04,981 --> 00:21:07,821
Hi, everyone, what a great day.

458
00:21:07,821 --> 00:21:10,501
Joe Biden won
thanks to my endorsement,

459
00:21:10,501 --> 00:21:13,501
I've got a glass of my delicious
Whatamana tequila

460
00:21:13,501 --> 00:21:16,981
and I'm gonna show you a really fun
pandemic activity

461
00:21:16,981 --> 00:21:17,981
everyone is doing.

462
00:21:17,981 --> 00:21:19,981
T-shirt tie-dying.

463
00:21:19,981 --> 00:21:21,981
Let me guess.

464
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:24,981
You thought of a new way to push
your lame-ass clothing line.

465
00:21:24,981 --> 00:21:28,181
Kevin, please. I'm just trying
to share something fun.

466
00:21:28,181 --> 00:21:30,981
Now, start by
scrunching up a T-shirt.

467
00:21:30,981 --> 00:21:34,341
You're gonna want to use
a new The Rock brand tee.

468
00:21:34,341 --> 00:21:35,821
I knew it!

469
00:21:35,821 --> 00:21:39,181
Kevin, let me show you
just how fun tie-dying is.

470
00:21:40,661 --> 00:21:41,981
Don't you scrunch me!

471
00:21:43,341 --> 00:21:45,821
Well, I am pretty.

472
00:21:45,821 --> 00:21:46,981
And so, LeBron,

473
00:21:46,981 --> 00:21:49,981
please accept
this plaque of gratitude.

474
00:21:49,981 --> 00:21:50,981
APPLAUSE

475
00:21:50,981 --> 00:21:52,981
Stop applauding this man.

476
00:21:52,981 --> 00:21:56,981
Harry? Oh, I have got to move.

477
00:21:56,981 --> 00:21:58,661
This woman is not Michelle Obama.

478
00:21:58,661 --> 00:21:59,981
You have just witnessed

479
00:21:59,981 --> 00:22:02,981
the acting performance
of a lifetime

480
00:22:02,981 --> 00:22:05,501
by my wife, Meghan Markle!

481
00:22:05,501 --> 00:22:07,181
GASPS
Even I was fooled!

482
00:22:07,181 --> 00:22:08,981
Give us a kiss, love.

483
00:22:08,981 --> 00:22:11,981
You were fantastic.
Get off me!

484
00:22:11,981 --> 00:22:14,981
Wait, you're not Megs. Who are you?
Security.

485
00:22:14,981 --> 00:22:15,981
Open fire.

486
00:22:15,981 --> 00:22:18,981
GUNSHOTS

487
00:22:19,981 --> 00:22:21,021
I have my ending.

488
00:22:21,021 --> 00:22:22,981
Harry, you bagged me!

489
00:22:22,981 --> 00:22:24,981
Bloody hell, that was you!

490
00:22:24,981 --> 00:22:28,981
Either I'm an idiot or you're
the greatest actress of all time.

491
00:22:28,981 --> 00:22:31,661
Oh, Hairbrains, that is
the sweetest thing you've ever said.

492
00:22:31,661 --> 00:22:33,981
I honestly mean it, Meghan...

493
00:22:33,981 --> 00:22:35,341
Sorry to interrupt,

494
00:22:35,341 --> 00:22:38,981
could I possibly have
my humanitarian award?

495
00:22:44,661 --> 00:22:45,981
Argh!

496
00:22:49,981 --> 00:22:51,981
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