1 00:00:06,370 --> 00:00:09,220 Oh, Isaac, just who I was looking for. 2 00:00:09,420 --> 00:00:10,460 I have something for you. 3 00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:12,230 A gift for me? Whatever for? 4 00:00:12,430 --> 00:00:14,960 I just got the advance for your biography from the publisher 5 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,230 and I wanted to give you something to say thank you. 6 00:00:17,430 --> 00:00:18,700 Ooh, classy move, babe. 7 00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:21,400 Can I open it since Isaac can't use his hands? 8 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:22,600 I know Jay's offering to help, 9 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,270 but it feels like he's rubbing it in. 10 00:00:24,470 --> 00:00:26,370 Oh...! 11 00:00:26,570 --> 00:00:28,140 Nice, babe. A scented candle. 12 00:00:28,340 --> 00:00:29,880 Because they can smell. 13 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,640 Mm. (sniffs) 14 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:33,250 So how much was the advance? 15 00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:34,980 $20,000. 16 00:00:35,180 --> 00:00:37,380 My God. You could buy Delaware. 17 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:40,020 Okay, hold on, Sam, you get $20,000 18 00:00:40,220 --> 00:00:42,160 and all Isaac gets is a candle? 19 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,720 Which cost...? $12. 20 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,030 Plus tax. 21 00:00:46,230 --> 00:00:48,160 Sasappis brings up an interesting point. 22 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,860 I am the subject of the book and your collaborator. 23 00:00:51,060 --> 00:00:54,170 Shouldn't I be entitled to half the compensation? 24 00:00:54,370 --> 00:00:56,740 Isaac thinks we should split the advance with him. 25 00:00:56,940 --> 00:00:59,370 (chuckles) A ghost wants $10,000? 26 00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:01,410 NIGEL: I stand with Isaac. 27 00:01:01,610 --> 00:01:03,040 You can't just exploit his labor 28 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:05,640 and take all the profits for yourself. HETTY: Agreed. 29 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,780 He's not a child in your iron foundry. 30 00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:10,220 I mean, none of this would be happening 31 00:01:10,420 --> 00:01:11,450 if it weren't for Isaac. 32 00:01:11,650 --> 00:01:13,020 ISAAC: Ooh, she's about to surrender. 33 00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:14,690 Nigel, this must take you back. 34 00:01:14,890 --> 00:01:15,850 Okay, fine. 35 00:01:16,050 --> 00:01:17,720 Isaac, we can split the advance. 36 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,390 Huzzah! 37 00:01:19,590 --> 00:01:21,060 We haven't been on a vacation in three years 38 00:01:21,260 --> 00:01:23,660 but now a ghost has $10,000. 39 00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:25,400 (chuckling) I can buy Rhode Island. 40 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,780 * * 41 00:01:30,550 --> 00:01:32,000 * * 42 00:01:32,210 --> 00:01:33,820 Hello, Alberta. 43 00:01:34,860 --> 00:01:38,280 Okay, I know that you're mad about the whole 44 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,580 "my son murdering you and me not telling you 45 00:01:40,780 --> 00:01:42,080 about it for a hundred years," 46 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,420 but, but... how long do you intend to freeze me out? 47 00:01:44,620 --> 00:01:45,650 Flower, can you please tell Hetty 48 00:01:45,850 --> 00:01:47,050 I'm still not talking to her? 49 00:01:47,250 --> 00:01:50,890 Hetty, Alberta wants me to tell you that-- 50 00:01:51,090 --> 00:01:52,160 Wait, I just had it. 51 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,360 Never mind. 52 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,090 (doorbell chimes) 53 00:01:55,290 --> 00:01:57,230 Hi. SAMANTHA: Hi. 54 00:01:57,430 --> 00:01:59,170 I'm Sam, can I help you? 55 00:01:59,370 --> 00:02:00,470 I'm Kelsey Foster. 56 00:02:00,670 --> 00:02:02,200 Okay, this is gonna sound kind of weird, 57 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,940 but my mom was an exotic dancer back in the '90s. 58 00:02:05,140 --> 00:02:06,340 I don't know where this is headed, 59 00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:07,570 but I like the way it started. 60 00:02:07,770 --> 00:02:08,810 Anyway, I only recently found out 61 00:02:09,010 --> 00:02:10,710 that she had a sort of office romance 62 00:02:10,910 --> 00:02:12,510 with a client named David Woodstone. 63 00:02:12,710 --> 00:02:13,950 That was my Uncle David. 64 00:02:14,150 --> 00:02:16,650 And my boy. Who dump your body in lake. 65 00:02:16,850 --> 00:02:18,150 Just that one time. KELSEY: Yeah, well, 66 00:02:18,350 --> 00:02:20,150 I think we're related because your Uncle David 67 00:02:20,350 --> 00:02:23,160 knocked up my mom, and then nine months later... ta-da. 68 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,090 Oh, my God! KELSEY: Little family history, 69 00:02:25,290 --> 00:02:26,660 "ta-da" is actually what my mom used to yell 70 00:02:26,860 --> 00:02:28,130 when she would take her top off onstage. 71 00:02:28,330 --> 00:02:31,360 And I am now realizing what exotic dancer means. 72 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,570 So nice to have that in the gene pool. SAMANTHA: This is amazing. 73 00:02:34,770 --> 00:02:37,170 I can't believe this. I hardly have any family. 74 00:02:37,370 --> 00:02:39,340 I know, I'm so excited. You should totally stay. 75 00:02:39,540 --> 00:02:41,040 We have some openings this weekend. 76 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,680 And it's on the house. 77 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,640 So, you own this place? SAMANTHA: Yeah. 78 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:46,280 I inherited it a couple years ago 79 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:49,080 from my Great Aunt Sophie, who was actually David's mom. 80 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:53,120 Which would make Sophie this woman's grandmother. 81 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:54,190 KELSEY: Yeah. 82 00:02:54,390 --> 00:02:55,990 That's actually why I'm here. 83 00:02:56,190 --> 00:02:58,520 See, the thing is, I'm actually more of a Woodstone 84 00:02:58,720 --> 00:02:59,930 than you are, turns out. 85 00:03:00,130 --> 00:03:02,060 What are you saying? 86 00:03:02,260 --> 00:03:03,860 You seem really cool, 87 00:03:04,060 --> 00:03:06,200 and I don't want this to affect our relationship, but... 88 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,130 I think this house, 89 00:03:08,330 --> 00:03:09,940 technically, 90 00:03:10,140 --> 00:03:11,540 belongs to me. 91 00:03:11,740 --> 00:03:12,810 * * 92 00:03:13,010 --> 00:03:14,470 PETE: Hetty and Alberta... 93 00:03:14,670 --> 00:03:16,580 It's been a week and the rift between you guys 94 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,080 is starting to affect the whole house. 95 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:19,610 That's why we've asked you here today. 96 00:03:19,810 --> 00:03:20,880 SASAPPIS: In keeping with the bylaws 97 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,720 outlined in the Woodstone Accords, 98 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:26,050 we've decided to convene Ghost Court. I'm sorry, Ghost Court? 99 00:03:26,250 --> 00:03:27,720 When two or more ghosts have a conflict 100 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,290 that there doesn't seem to be a resolution for, 101 00:03:29,490 --> 00:03:30,490 we convene a council 102 00:03:30,690 --> 00:03:32,360 to agree on an appropriate punishment 103 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:33,760 so we can put the matter behind us. 104 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,490 How wonderfully bureaucratic. 105 00:03:35,690 --> 00:03:36,660 Is this really necessary? 106 00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:38,030 Oh, it's necessary. 107 00:03:38,230 --> 00:03:40,700 It's time to pay the piper, Hetty Woodstone. 108 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,600 Then it's official. Ghost Court is in session. 109 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,770 FLOWER: Although, it is almost noon. 110 00:03:45,970 --> 00:03:47,610 Should we figure out what we're smelling for lunch first? 111 00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:49,070 Great point, uh... 112 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,040 We smell lunch and then, Ghost Court is in session. 113 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:54,210 Although, does an afternoon start feel like 114 00:03:54,410 --> 00:03:55,750 might get a little bit sleepy? 115 00:03:55,950 --> 00:03:57,080 Ah. 116 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:58,150 Hit the ground running tomorrow. Great. 117 00:03:58,350 --> 00:03:59,320 (sighs) 118 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,920 The wheels of justice grind slowly. 119 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,860 So, what do we do here, Dan? DAN (over laptop): Well, look, 120 00:04:04,060 --> 00:04:05,590 if she's telling the truth, she has a claim. 121 00:04:05,790 --> 00:04:07,190 Now, that being said, there's a lot scammers. 122 00:04:07,390 --> 00:04:09,090 So, I'm gonna send my DNA guy up there. 123 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:12,130 Absolute best in the biz. Does all of Jeter's stuff. 124 00:04:12,330 --> 00:04:13,500 Are you allowed to tell us that? 125 00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:15,170 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who's the lawyer now, Jay? 126 00:04:15,370 --> 00:04:17,040 Okay? I love it. I love you. 127 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,210 He remind me of guy I knew who sold used longships. SAMANTHA: Okay. 128 00:04:20,410 --> 00:04:21,510 Well, that's a relief. 129 00:04:21,710 --> 00:04:22,510 So, you think it's probably nothing? 130 00:04:22,710 --> 00:04:23,740 Well, you know what? Look. 131 00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:25,840 The only thing that does give me pause is 132 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,650 our firm has been representing 133 00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,480 the Woodstone family for decades. 134 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,020 And without getting into details, 135 00:04:31,220 --> 00:04:33,450 I do know that Davey Woodstone, let's just say, 136 00:04:33,650 --> 00:04:38,060 had... an enthusiasm for exotic dancers. 137 00:04:38,260 --> 00:04:39,220 Yeah, he did. 138 00:04:39,430 --> 00:04:41,460 Again, he dump your body in lake. 139 00:04:41,660 --> 00:04:44,000 Doesn't mean I can't be proud of my bro. 140 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,330 Pizza oven. 141 00:04:45,530 --> 00:04:46,600 You got to use your money to buy a pizza oven. 142 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,000 I've never been overly fond of pizza. 143 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,740 Now a quail oven, though, is that a thing? 144 00:04:51,940 --> 00:04:53,940 You should donate the money. Save the narwhals. 145 00:04:54,140 --> 00:04:56,340 Screw that, get a new water heater. 146 00:04:56,540 --> 00:04:57,780 Let's party. 147 00:04:57,980 --> 00:05:00,350 Okay, thank you for your suggestions, 148 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:01,710 but this is Isaac's money 149 00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:03,050 and I think he should spend it 150 00:05:03,250 --> 00:05:04,120 as he sees fit. 151 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:05,480 Thank you, Nigel. 152 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:06,990 And the truth is, 153 00:05:07,190 --> 00:05:09,020 I've already decided what I'm spending the money on. 154 00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:10,020 Oh. 155 00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:11,390 A new daybed! 156 00:05:11,590 --> 00:05:13,330 A new daybed? 157 00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,990 I saw it in a catalog for this emporium called 158 00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:17,900 the Pottery Barn, and I must have it. 159 00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:21,700 And this daybed would presumably sleep just one? 160 00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:24,270 Like your current daybed? 161 00:05:24,470 --> 00:05:25,840 I mean, I guess so. 162 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:29,990 Mm. Well, that's just lovely! 163 00:05:31,830 --> 00:05:34,510 Okay, does anyone know what that was about? 164 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:35,780 SASAPPIS: Isaac, don't you see? 165 00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:37,750 This daybed is not just a daybed. 166 00:05:37,950 --> 00:05:40,590 It's a sign that you don't want to get more serious. 167 00:05:40,790 --> 00:05:41,820 I recently had a girlfriend for a week, 168 00:05:42,020 --> 00:05:43,420 so I know what I'm talking about. 169 00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:46,120 I mean, I did just ask Nigel to move in. 170 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:49,090 Yeah, to the mansion, but not into your room. 171 00:05:49,290 --> 00:05:52,570 And now by getting this new bed that only sleeps one, 172 00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:56,540 you're showing you're nowhere near making a real commitment. 173 00:05:56,740 --> 00:05:58,040 Which, honestly, 174 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,870 I respect as a "hit it and quit it" kind of girl. 175 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,210 Oh, dear. 176 00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:05,810 This money, it's complicating everything. 177 00:06:06,010 --> 00:06:07,780 (sighs) I'd be better just washing my hands of it. 178 00:06:07,980 --> 00:06:09,150 SASAPPIS: Ironic. 179 00:06:09,350 --> 00:06:10,780 If you'd washed your hands 250 years ago, 180 00:06:10,980 --> 00:06:12,420 you wouldn't have pooped yourself to death. 181 00:06:12,620 --> 00:06:15,250 Thank you, Sass. 182 00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:16,920 DAN: Okay, so, 183 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,690 inside this manila envelope 184 00:06:18,890 --> 00:06:21,290 are the results to Kelsey's DNA test. 185 00:06:21,490 --> 00:06:22,630 What is DNA? 186 00:06:22,830 --> 00:06:26,080 Stand for deoxyribonucleic acid. 187 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,570 They explain on O.J. Simpson episode of 188 00:06:28,770 --> 00:06:29,900 How 'Bout Those Nineties. 189 00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,470 KELSEY: I just want to say, 190 00:06:31,670 --> 00:06:34,610 no matter what happens, Sam, we'll always be family. 191 00:06:34,810 --> 00:06:36,340 Thank you, Kelsey. 192 00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:38,510 But if this does go my way, 193 00:06:38,710 --> 00:06:39,550 is the furniture included? 194 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:40,550 This was all here, right? 195 00:06:40,750 --> 00:06:41,810 Absolutely. 196 00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:42,950 Dude, whose lawyer are you? 197 00:06:43,150 --> 00:06:44,180 Well, technically I represent 198 00:06:44,380 --> 00:06:45,320 the Woodstone Estate. 199 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:46,850 So I guess... Hey-oh! 200 00:06:47,050 --> 00:06:49,320 We're about to find out. 201 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,090 God, it's like an episode of Maury. Who? 202 00:06:51,290 --> 00:06:54,190 TV show host also from '90s who reveal baby daddies 203 00:06:54,390 --> 00:06:56,430 and send problematic teens to boot camp. 204 00:06:56,630 --> 00:06:57,430 Oh, my. 205 00:06:57,630 --> 00:06:59,360 What? What is it? 206 00:06:59,570 --> 00:07:00,700 Wow. 207 00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:02,100 Oh, I mean, this is frustrating for y'all, 208 00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:04,770 but as an entertainer, I respect his showmanship. 209 00:07:04,970 --> 00:07:06,890 And the owner of the mansion is... 210 00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:10,530 * * 211 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,510 (quietly): Ooh, this guy's good. 212 00:07:13,710 --> 00:07:14,810 She's in this room. 213 00:07:15,010 --> 00:07:16,280 Dan! It's Kelsey, I'm sorry. 214 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:17,480 It's Kelsey, it's Kelsey. 215 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,770 (squeals) (laughs) Congratulations. 216 00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:27,060 I can't believe this. I finally get a cousin, 217 00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:29,330 and one day later, she's taking the house from us? 218 00:07:29,530 --> 00:07:31,260 What about us? We're going to lose you. 219 00:07:31,460 --> 00:07:32,800 Just when we finally got a Living 220 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,830 who can serve us... 221 00:07:35,030 --> 00:07:36,770 See us. See us. 222 00:07:36,970 --> 00:07:38,440 Thor and I have a plan. 223 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:39,740 You push Kelsey down the stairs. 224 00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:41,570 Either she dies and your problem is solved, 225 00:07:41,770 --> 00:07:43,440 or she can see ghosts, and then our problem is solved. 226 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,780 THORFINN: Though we will miss you. 227 00:07:45,980 --> 00:07:47,310 Even though we now have Kelsey to help us. 228 00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:49,520 Okay, interesting development. 229 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,120 Dan says Kelsey is willing to pay us 230 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,620 a settlement to avoid dragging things out in court. 231 00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:55,920 Way less than what the house is worth, 232 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:57,190 but at least we'd get something. 233 00:07:57,390 --> 00:07:58,790 I can't believe this is happening. 234 00:07:58,990 --> 00:08:00,930 JAY: Yeah, it's like the weirdest butterfly effect ever. 235 00:08:01,130 --> 00:08:03,700 Some '90s douche finance bro falls in love with a dancer 236 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,700 at Scores and now we're out of a house. 237 00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:08,930 Wait, what did he say? Get over it, Trevor, you were all douches. 238 00:08:09,130 --> 00:08:10,500 No. No, no, no. Scores? 239 00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,670 Woodstone wouldn't have been at Scores. 240 00:08:12,870 --> 00:08:14,310 He got banned from there when he tried to get 241 00:08:14,510 --> 00:08:15,940 autographs from Gary Dell'Abate and Jeff the Drunk. 242 00:08:16,140 --> 00:08:18,210 Jeff the Drunk? JAY: From the Wack Pack? 243 00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:19,780 We got a Howard Stern fan in the house? 244 00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:21,250 Okay, so the ban happened in like... 245 00:08:21,450 --> 00:08:22,480 Baba Booey. SAMANTHA: Jay, please, 246 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,180 I'm getting important information here. 247 00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:25,550 Trevor's saying that 248 00:08:25,750 --> 00:08:26,650 David Woodstone was banned from Scores. 249 00:08:26,850 --> 00:08:28,520 So, what are we saying here? 250 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,690 That David Woodstone isn't actually the father? 251 00:08:30,890 --> 00:08:32,420 But how would we prove that? 252 00:08:32,630 --> 00:08:35,730 Short of asking the ghost of David Woodstone himself-- 253 00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:37,860 Oh, right. That's what we should do. 254 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,100 I wonder where he died. 255 00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:40,600 HETTY: Do we think perhaps Kelsey 256 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,900 might spring for the upgraded cable television package? 257 00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:44,100 I'm sorry, 258 00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:45,270 but we must emotionally gird ourselves 259 00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:47,010 for a Sam-free future. JAY: Okay. 260 00:08:47,210 --> 00:08:49,070 According to his obituary, 261 00:08:49,270 --> 00:08:50,880 he died in Upstate New York 262 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,750 at a gentlemen's club. 263 00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:55,710 Ooh, gentlemen's club. That sounds classy. 264 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:58,550 THORFINN: Just hope he didn't get sucked off. 265 00:08:58,750 --> 00:09:00,820 (dance music playing) 266 00:09:01,020 --> 00:09:02,420 Ugh. Of course this is where he died. 267 00:09:02,620 --> 00:09:03,820 This place is so depressing. 268 00:09:04,020 --> 00:09:06,120 JAY: I've seen more depressing. 269 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,360 On TV. I've never been to a strip club. (shudders) 270 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,360 Check it out, Schmitty, new talent. 271 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:13,780 Excuse me? 272 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,740 W-Wait... Are you a ghost? 273 00:09:16,940 --> 00:09:19,570 No. Are you David Woodstone? 274 00:09:19,770 --> 00:09:20,710 Uh-huh. 275 00:09:20,910 --> 00:09:22,940 I'm your descendent. We're related. 276 00:09:23,140 --> 00:09:26,110 You mean, he's actually here? It would appear so. 277 00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:28,050 Wow, we're so lucky he didn't go up to heaven. 278 00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:30,970 This isn't heaven? 279 00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:33,990 ALBERTA: In summation, 280 00:09:34,190 --> 00:09:37,490 for a hundred years, Hetty's been pretending to be my friend. 281 00:09:37,690 --> 00:09:39,990 Withholding the truth about how I died. 282 00:09:40,190 --> 00:09:41,790 This was a century 283 00:09:41,990 --> 00:09:43,530 of betrayal. 284 00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:44,830 And I hope this court remembers that 285 00:09:45,030 --> 00:09:46,510 when it comes time to sentence her. 286 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,080 Hetty, do you deny these charges? 287 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,040 I do not. 288 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,340 But I ask that the court 289 00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:55,510 consider the following. 290 00:09:55,710 --> 00:09:59,440 The Hetty of a hundred years ago stayed silent 291 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,010 for many reasons. 292 00:10:01,210 --> 00:10:04,350 But the Hetty that stands before you today did not. 293 00:10:04,550 --> 00:10:06,950 Thanks to women like Alberta and Flower 294 00:10:07,150 --> 00:10:09,290 and Samantha and a washing machine, 295 00:10:09,490 --> 00:10:11,620 I have changed. Aw. 296 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,790 In my time, women were competition. 297 00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:15,660 But I now know that they are friends. 298 00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:16,930 And I couldn't sit back 299 00:10:17,130 --> 00:10:18,700 and let my friend Alberta believe 300 00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:20,670 her sister had killed her, no matter the cost to me. 301 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,950 And I know that may not change the way you feel... 302 00:10:24,150 --> 00:10:26,270 ...but I am deeply sorry, Alberta. 303 00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:28,140 PETE: Wow. 304 00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:30,640 Not sure how the washing machine got mixed up in all that, 305 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,010 but still I was moved. 306 00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:34,180 The washing machine gave her an orgasm. 307 00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:36,150 Oh, cheese and crackers. 308 00:10:36,350 --> 00:10:37,780 Now, Alberta, you have a choice. 309 00:10:37,980 --> 00:10:40,150 You can accept Hetty's apology, 310 00:10:40,350 --> 00:10:41,420 put this matter behind us, 311 00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:42,990 house harmony restored. 312 00:10:43,190 --> 00:10:44,790 Or we can move to the punishment phase. 313 00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:46,930 Punishment phase. FLOWER: Are you sure? 314 00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:48,630 You can take some time to think about it. 315 00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:51,230 Punishment phase. Your girl wants blood. (gasps) 316 00:10:51,430 --> 00:10:54,870 ISAAC: I'm just vexed by this Nigel situation. 317 00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:57,100 Moving in together as a ghost is different 318 00:10:57,300 --> 00:10:58,870 than moving in together as a Living. 319 00:10:59,070 --> 00:11:00,640 The stakes are much higher. 320 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,370 I mean, what if things go south? 321 00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:05,440 I will be heartbroken for eternity. 322 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,010 Taking chance at love always carry risk. 323 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,450 Like when I catch Danish man with cousin. 324 00:11:11,650 --> 00:11:14,120 We disembowel the Dane and force him to march 325 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,350 until entrails wrap around tree. 326 00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:19,120 Okay. THORFINN: For him, 327 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,630 risk not work out. 328 00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:23,260 But sometimes risk do work out. 329 00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:24,630 Like with Thor and Flower. 330 00:11:24,830 --> 00:11:26,160 TREVOR: Isaac, 331 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:27,770 relationships are like sharks. 332 00:11:27,970 --> 00:11:30,640 Either they move forward or they die. 333 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,440 That's from a Woody Allen movie. 334 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,440 And that guy knows relationships. 335 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,510 Did you ever move in with anyone? 336 00:11:36,710 --> 00:11:39,680 Almost. Once. 337 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,310 She wanted to get engaged first. 338 00:11:41,510 --> 00:11:42,980 She wanted that commitment. 339 00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:45,620 I was only in my 30s, had my whole life ahead of me. 340 00:11:45,820 --> 00:11:48,290 I thought. (laughing) 341 00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:51,910 Very funny, because actually die soon after. 342 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,850 You two have been very helpful. 343 00:11:58,210 --> 00:11:59,300 (dance music playing) 344 00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,770 Hmm. Strip club sushi. 345 00:12:01,970 --> 00:12:04,540 It shouldn't look good. But it does. 346 00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:06,240 That's what I thought, man. 347 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,140 Before it killed me. 348 00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:09,670 So, this chick just shows up out of the blue 349 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,980 and says she's my daughter? Pretty much. 350 00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:13,550 But there's something off about her story. 351 00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:14,650 How old is she? 352 00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:16,310 She was born in '97. 353 00:12:16,510 --> 00:12:18,350 No, she can't be mine. 354 00:12:18,550 --> 00:12:20,020 I've been shooting blanks since '93. 355 00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:23,020 Oh, okay. What happened in '93? 356 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:25,520 I dipped my balls into a scalding hot coffee pot. 357 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:26,980 (chuckling) 358 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:29,160 Why? 359 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:30,830 Uh, my boy Ari said that I wouldn't, so... 360 00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:34,170 Freaking love that guy. Okay, this is huge. 361 00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:36,800 So she definitely can't be your kid. 362 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,600 No. SCHMITTY: Uh, excuse me. 363 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,510 You might want to tell your husband 364 00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:42,410 that sushi was on top of a stripper last night 365 00:12:42,610 --> 00:12:43,710 at a bachelor party. 366 00:12:43,910 --> 00:12:45,910 Babe, they got all-you-can-eat sushi. 367 00:12:46,110 --> 00:12:48,630 It's better than you'd think. 368 00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:54,750 ISAAC: Matters are on my mind, 369 00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:56,960 and we must speak. Let me get right to it. 370 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:58,620 Nigel, it seems apparent 371 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,890 that you wish for us to move in together. 372 00:13:01,090 --> 00:13:04,330 You read my storm-out correctly, Captain Higgintoot. 373 00:13:04,530 --> 00:13:05,700 I don't know how else to say this, 374 00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:07,400 but I fear that our relationship is not 375 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:08,830 at the stage in which I would feel 376 00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:10,690 comfortable cohabitating. 377 00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:13,370 I see. 378 00:13:13,570 --> 00:13:17,530 So let's take our relationship to that stage. 379 00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:19,560 I'm sorry? 380 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,750 (gasps) Now it is I who gasp. 381 00:13:23,950 --> 00:13:25,120 Nigel... 382 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,770 Yes, Isaac? 383 00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,390 Will you make me 384 00:13:29,590 --> 00:13:33,430 the happiest ghost on the entire property? 385 00:13:33,630 --> 00:13:34,660 No. 386 00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:36,190 I will make you the second happiest. 387 00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:39,730 Get up so I can look my fiancé in the eye. 388 00:13:39,930 --> 00:13:41,600 Oh, my only regret is that I lack the ability 389 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,940 to physically place a ring on this finger. 390 00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:47,740 You've already embedded a shiny metal object deep in my heart. 391 00:13:47,940 --> 00:13:50,510 You're referring to the bullet I killed you with. 392 00:13:50,710 --> 00:13:52,210 NIGEL: Or, as Samantha would say, 393 00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:53,310 our meet cute. 394 00:13:53,510 --> 00:13:57,180 So, we can move in together now? 395 00:13:57,380 --> 00:13:58,580 My fiancé? 396 00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:00,420 Absolutely. 397 00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:02,550 Oh, and I'll ask Samantha if we can just use 398 00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:04,360 one of the extra guest rooms. 399 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,260 If she says no, I'll tell her she's being homophobic. 400 00:14:06,460 --> 00:14:07,660 It gets stuff done. 401 00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:09,930 And perhaps we can use that money of yours 402 00:14:10,130 --> 00:14:11,900 to buy a king-sized bed. 403 00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,300 That might be nice. 404 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:14,470 Yeah, nothing better than a king. 405 00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:16,530 Oh, I see what you did there. 406 00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,670 It's hard to beat me in a battle of wits. (chuckling) 407 00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:21,510 Well, a battle of armies on the other hand... 408 00:14:21,710 --> 00:14:23,410 (chuckles) We will have fun. 409 00:14:23,610 --> 00:14:25,610 PETE: We've reached a verdict. 410 00:14:25,810 --> 00:14:28,010 Henrietta Woodstone, for your crimes, 411 00:14:28,210 --> 00:14:31,050 you are hereby sentenced to banishment in the woods 412 00:14:31,250 --> 00:14:32,750 for a period of one year. 413 00:14:32,950 --> 00:14:34,590 A year? 414 00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:37,460 Thor only got three days for chopping Peter in half. 415 00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:39,490 Ended up staying entire week. 416 00:14:39,690 --> 00:14:43,060 Bonded with family of beetles that taught me life lessons. 417 00:14:43,260 --> 00:14:45,960 Wow. A year. Y'all don't mess around. 418 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,980 It is quite harsh. 419 00:14:48,980 --> 00:14:51,340 But I accept my fate. 420 00:14:51,540 --> 00:14:54,340 And do not worry about me. 421 00:14:54,540 --> 00:14:56,310 When the weather turns I shall take shelter 422 00:14:56,510 --> 00:14:58,940 in the old outhouse we reserved for the help 423 00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:00,450 and foreign-born guests. 424 00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:01,480 TREVOR: Hey, guys. 425 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:02,920 Did you hear the big news? 426 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,720 Isaac and Nigel are engaged. 427 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,080 (excited laughter) 428 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,590 What? Yes. 429 00:15:07,790 --> 00:15:09,290 They're moving in together, the whole megillah. 430 00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:11,120 That's incredible. We should all celebrate 431 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,720 after Thor dumps Hetty in the woods. 432 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:13,880 Wait, what? 433 00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:16,130 She's been convicted by the Ghost Court. 434 00:15:16,330 --> 00:15:17,360 Thor, take her away. 435 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:18,930 Can't it just wait a moment? 436 00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:21,530 I would like to take part in the celebrations. 437 00:15:21,730 --> 00:15:23,970 You celebrate with beetle friends now. 438 00:15:24,170 --> 00:15:25,800 (laughing) (Hetty gasps) 439 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,720 Wait. 440 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:29,670 Uh... 441 00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:31,480 So, like... 442 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:35,150 can I still meet up with Hetty for our daily walks? 443 00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:36,480 Yeah, that's not really 444 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,280 how the whole banishment thing works. 445 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:39,680 What about conjugal visits? 446 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,520 * * 447 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,490 Not in this situation, obviously. 448 00:15:44,690 --> 00:15:45,860 But if I ever get banished 449 00:15:46,060 --> 00:15:47,960 and there's a Swedish bikini team ghost 450 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,100 that I'm schtupping? 451 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,600 There is no outside contact allowed. 452 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,370 So like, I can't even watch TV with her sometimes? 453 00:15:55,570 --> 00:15:57,670 Who am I gonna make my naughty Momoa comments to? 454 00:15:57,870 --> 00:16:00,240 I'm around and ready to objectify that man. 455 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:01,540 It's not the same. 456 00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:03,710 You said you wanted her punished, Alberta. 457 00:16:03,910 --> 00:16:04,840 I think. 458 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,410 Sometimes I hear things. ALBERTA: Yeah. 459 00:16:06,610 --> 00:16:08,810 But I don't want to go a whole year without... 460 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:09,950 my friend. 461 00:16:10,150 --> 00:16:12,990 Well, you could forgive her. 462 00:16:13,190 --> 00:16:15,870 That would allow the court to vacate her sentence. 463 00:16:16,670 --> 00:16:20,030 Okay, I might be able to forgive you, Hetty. 464 00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:22,660 But I want something if you're going to stay in this house. 465 00:16:22,860 --> 00:16:23,800 Anything. 466 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,860 Well, if Isaac's moving in with Nigel, 467 00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:29,070 then you've got that big room all to yourself. 468 00:16:29,270 --> 00:16:32,170 So how about I get your room, and you move in with Flower? 469 00:16:32,370 --> 00:16:33,540 (gasps) New roomie? 470 00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:36,770 I'm gonna braid your hair while you're sleeping. 471 00:16:36,970 --> 00:16:38,040 (Alberta laughs) 472 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:39,240 Well, what's it gonna be, Hetty? 473 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,810 Flower or the woods? 474 00:16:41,010 --> 00:16:43,820 If I could just see if the outhouse still has a roof. 475 00:16:44,020 --> 00:16:45,150 Seriously? HETTY: Fine. 476 00:16:45,350 --> 00:16:48,340 Fine. Thank you, Alberta. 477 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:50,690 I truly am sorry. 478 00:16:50,890 --> 00:16:52,120 I know. 479 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,530 And it's a good thing you've embraced female friendships 480 00:16:54,730 --> 00:16:57,160 'cause you're going to get a lot of practice with Flower. 481 00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:58,460 Oh, oh, oh... 482 00:16:58,660 --> 00:16:59,930 Do you want to be the engine or the caboose 483 00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:01,170 in the massage train? 484 00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:02,630 It just doesn't even make any sense. 485 00:17:02,830 --> 00:17:04,270 There's only the two of us. 486 00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:06,740 Not every conversation has to make sense. 487 00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:08,810 We're gonna have so much fun! 488 00:17:09,010 --> 00:17:10,610 Yay! 489 00:17:10,810 --> 00:17:13,010 Ooh, God. (sniffles) 490 00:17:13,210 --> 00:17:15,480 TREVOR: So he was shooting blanks? 491 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:16,810 That makes so much sense! 492 00:17:17,010 --> 00:17:18,350 That's why he was always raw-dogging it. 493 00:17:18,550 --> 00:17:22,020 A life without consequences. 494 00:17:22,220 --> 00:17:23,490 What a gift. 495 00:17:23,690 --> 00:17:26,720 So, how he die in strip club? 496 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,230 I like to say I died in a motorboating accident. 497 00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:33,300 I had an aneurism with my head pressed between two boobs. 498 00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:35,750 I didn't ask. (door opens) 499 00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:38,370 So, you wanted to talk about my offer? 500 00:17:38,570 --> 00:17:40,210 Yeah, uh, we did. 501 00:17:40,410 --> 00:17:43,410 We just thought before we make our final decision, 502 00:17:43,610 --> 00:17:45,280 we want to do another DNA test, 503 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:46,380 just to be sure. 504 00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:48,680 Okay, why? 505 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,280 Because we've recently uncovered evidence 506 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,020 that suggests David Woodstone was sterile. 507 00:17:53,220 --> 00:17:54,750 SAMANTHA: We're not accusing you of anything. 508 00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:56,390 We just want you to take another test 509 00:17:56,590 --> 00:17:58,010 from a different company. 510 00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:01,260 (singsongy): Dan, what should I do? 511 00:18:01,460 --> 00:18:02,690 Why is she asking him? 512 00:18:02,890 --> 00:18:04,560 Why is she asking you? 513 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,760 I have no idea. (quietly): Dan, you said this would work. 514 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,070 Okay, clearly, this woman is having 515 00:18:09,270 --> 00:18:11,170 some sort of a mental breakdown. No, I'm not. 516 00:18:11,370 --> 00:18:12,600 He said he'd give me $10,000 517 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,410 if I pretended to be your cousin. SAMANTHA: What?! 518 00:18:14,610 --> 00:18:15,770 Dan, you were in on this? 519 00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,080 No! Yes! 520 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,440 Normally, I would stand up and confront you, 521 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,380 but I ate strip club sushi, and... 522 00:18:20,580 --> 00:18:22,510 my stomach's not feeling so good right now. 523 00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:25,120 So, why don't you tell us what's going on? 524 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,190 Okay, you know what? Fine. 525 00:18:27,390 --> 00:18:29,150 Recently, I was contacted 526 00:18:29,350 --> 00:18:31,420 by a major hotel chain with an offer to buy your home 527 00:18:31,620 --> 00:18:33,530 for way over market value. 528 00:18:33,730 --> 00:18:35,730 Simultaneously, the New York Knicks 529 00:18:35,930 --> 00:18:38,000 have been blowing some very large second half leads. 530 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,500 Yeah, they're resting their starters, it's driving me nuts. 531 00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:43,200 But that is not what we're talking about right now. 532 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,140 So, you were trying to trick us into selling you our house 533 00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:47,410 for basically nothing so you could turn it around 534 00:18:47,610 --> 00:18:48,770 and sell it at a huge profit, 535 00:18:48,970 --> 00:18:50,940 all to pay off some gambling debts? 536 00:18:51,140 --> 00:18:52,110 Well summarized, babe. 537 00:18:52,310 --> 00:18:54,110 That's all water under the bridge, okay? 538 00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:55,450 What is important is, 539 00:18:55,650 --> 00:18:57,980 there is a very substantial offer on the table 540 00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:00,220 for your house from the Four Seasons. 541 00:19:00,420 --> 00:19:01,790 Now, look. 542 00:19:01,990 --> 00:19:03,960 There is no one better to help you navigate 543 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,090 that tricky sale than your man Dan. 544 00:19:06,290 --> 00:19:08,290 No! JAY: Get out of our house! 545 00:19:08,490 --> 00:19:09,490 Both of youse. 546 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:10,730 When you say, "Get out of our house," 547 00:19:10,930 --> 00:19:12,330 do you mean after my free weekend stay? 548 00:19:12,530 --> 00:19:14,100 Just go! 549 00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,490 I'd walk you to the door, but I am afraid to stand up. 550 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,710 JAY: Thank you for coming with me 551 00:19:24,910 --> 00:19:26,980 to get Pepto Bismol. SAMANTHA: You're welcome. 552 00:19:27,180 --> 00:19:29,710 I can't believe we almost lost the house. But we didn't, babe. 553 00:19:29,910 --> 00:19:31,880 Your dead uncle dipped his balls in a pot of coffee 554 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,750 and everything turned out fine. Yeah, that's true. 555 00:19:34,950 --> 00:19:36,620 It was scary though. Yeah. 556 00:19:36,820 --> 00:19:38,190 And just to be clear, 557 00:19:38,390 --> 00:19:39,920 we're not gonna take the offer from the Four Seasons? 558 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,330 Come on, we could never leave the ghosts. Yeah. 559 00:19:42,530 --> 00:19:45,300 I love those stupid invisible bastards. 560 00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:47,230 Think about how much our lives have changed 561 00:19:47,430 --> 00:19:48,830 in these past two years. 562 00:19:49,030 --> 00:19:52,870 Each one of the ghosts has come to mean so much to me. 563 00:19:53,070 --> 00:19:54,670 I never had a lot of family. 564 00:19:54,870 --> 00:19:56,710 But the truth is, 565 00:19:56,910 --> 00:20:00,040 these days we're surrounded by family. 566 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,480 And yes, they can be frustrating 567 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,980 and demanding and childish. 568 00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:05,350 * * 569 00:20:05,550 --> 00:20:06,980 But I've also seen them grow. 570 00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:10,220 Seen them be loving and giving 571 00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:12,190 and sweet. 572 00:20:12,390 --> 00:20:14,460 And the thing is, 573 00:20:14,660 --> 00:20:16,490 for as much as we help them, 574 00:20:16,690 --> 00:20:18,900 they've made our lives so much richer. 575 00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:23,100 Not in the financial sense, but sure. 576 00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:25,340 I just can't imagine not having them around. 577 00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:27,540 Yeah, I feel the same way. 578 00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:28,540 I mean... 579 00:20:28,740 --> 00:20:30,610 SAMANTHA: Oh, my God. 580 00:20:30,810 --> 00:20:31,830 What? 581 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,450 I think one of the ghosts just got sucked off. 582 00:20:35,650 --> 00:20:37,110 What? Who? 583 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,180 I have no idea. 584 00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:42,300 I hope it's Trevor. 585 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:51,430 Captioning sponsored by CBS 586 00:20:51,630 --> 00:20:54,230 and TOYOTA. 587 00:20:54,430 --> 00:20:57,820 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org