1 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:09,343 (Harlem stride piano music playing) 2 00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:12,513 (crowd chanting distantly) 3 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,548 I didn't want it to have to be this way. 4 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,052 But it's either you or me. 5 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,154 MAN: No, don't do it! 6 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,723 (grunting) 7 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,396 I'm sorry, 8 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,698 but this town ain't big enough for the both of us. 9 00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:32,200 (shouts) 10 00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:34,034 (baseball bat clatters) 11 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,304 * * 12 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:40,808 What going on? 13 00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:43,377 Sam's getting an update on the sales of our book. 14 00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:44,578 Well, her book, 15 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,314 since the news is bad. 16 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,648 So what does that mean, Sharon? 17 00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,183 Well, it means 18 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,818 we won't do a second printing unless things 19 00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,386 pick up significantly. 20 00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,822 But I have a thought to drum up some publicity. 21 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,390 Here comes the Playboy ask. 22 00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:57,858 I think you just do it. 23 00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,293 Honestly, while they're still asking. 24 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,994 SHARON: You did a podcast with 25 00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:02,496 Todd Pearlman, right? 26 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,498 No, but I did once do acid with a Todd Rundgren. 27 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:06,734 ISAAC: I'm sorry, 28 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,502 do you think you're on this Zoom? 29 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,438 -She's talking about Creepy Todd. -SAMANTHA: Uh, yeah, 30 00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:12,240 the Alberta Haynes murder pod. 31 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,074 It was number 93 on Spotify 32 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,610 on jazz-related murder pods, not to brag. 33 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:19,180 -Was that bragging? -Well, as you're probably aware, 34 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:21,949 Todd has become a huge deal in the podcast space, 35 00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,617 and if you were able to book an appearance 36 00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:26,254 on the Todd Pod, it could be a game changer. 37 00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:28,055 -Dear God. -The thing is, 38 00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:29,357 the last time I saw him, 39 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,559 we didn't exactly leave off on a great note. 40 00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:33,261 Sam cod-block him when Todd try 41 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,763 to put moves on Alberta's descendant. 42 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:37,365 The last author he had on the Todd Pod 43 00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:39,200 tripled her book sales in one month. 44 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,769 Interesting. Let's huddle on our end 45 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,337 and we'll circle back. 46 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,773 But, like, what if he won't put me on the pod, Sharon? 47 00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:47,308 Well, then, I think perhaps we've reached 48 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,009 the end of the line for your book. 49 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,043 Okay. 50 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,279 I'll let you know what he says. 51 00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:52,780 Thanks for hopping on. 52 00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,114 We appreciate your time 53 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,616 and we look forward to next steps. 54 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,251 She can't hear you, woman. 55 00:01:57,351 --> 00:02:00,988 We appreciate your time and we look forward to next steps! 56 00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,992 ALBERTA: What the hell happened to Todd? 57 00:02:05,092 --> 00:02:06,727 His skin glow like belly of trout. 58 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,763 HETTY: Oh, I'll tell you what happened to this man: money. 59 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,899 It is the great cure-all. 60 00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,734 Todd, I just wanna start by apologizing. 61 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,404 I know we didn't leave things on the best of terms. 62 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,806 Please, I didn't come all the way from Altoona 63 00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,474 to tell you that I was still mad. 64 00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:21,809 It's water under the bridge. 65 00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:23,877 In fact, you guys were right to call me out. 66 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,680 I was becoming way too obsessed with Alberta. 67 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,549 Mm, he's not the first and he won't be the last. 68 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,584 -Currently afflicted. -TODD: I was spiraling. 69 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,720 Truth is, I hit a wall with my research. 70 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,454 It's so strange, there's nothing 71 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:38,759 in the historical record about Alberta Haynes prior to 1923. 72 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:41,662 I know from interviews a bit about her early years, 73 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:43,564 but there's no paper trail, 74 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:46,267 no record of her arriving in New York. 75 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,502 I mean, she had to live and work 76 00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:50,070 in the city. What was she doing? 77 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,405 Who was she with? 78 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,241 -Where did she go? -THORFINN: Yeah, 79 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:55,376 he seem over you. 80 00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,445 TODD: But none of that matters now 81 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,347 because I've redirected that energy 82 00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:01,649 and I put it all into the Todd Pod. 83 00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,351 Well, it's paying off for you. 84 00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:05,586 I mean, these guests you're getting? LeBron, 85 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,120 Chalamet, 86 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,358 that economist whose episode I also totally listened to. 87 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,192 Enough with the chitchat. 88 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,861 Inquire if that's a hair transplant, 89 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,195 and then get to the book. 90 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,298 So, like I mentioned on the phone, 91 00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:20,368 I would love for you to consider having me on. 92 00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:21,702 How about we grab lunch? 93 00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:24,472 I need to know more about your process, 94 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:25,806 your inspiration. 95 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:29,176 I mean, sure, there's a pod in you, 96 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,679 but is there a Todd Pod in you? 97 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,514 PETE: Maybe it's the girl dad in me talking, 98 00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:37,150 but I would not go to a second location alone with this man. 99 00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:39,420 Um, why don't we have lunch at Jay's restaurant? 100 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,088 The food's amazing. 101 00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:44,224 And Jay will be nearby with access to a lot of knives. 102 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,061 THORFINN: Alberta, 103 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,497 -you have moment? -Sure, 104 00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,131 -what's shaking, Thor? -Earlier, 105 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,733 Creepy Todd bring up that he unable 106 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:56,168 to find information about you prior to certain date. 107 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,605 Well... (chuckles) 108 00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,607 ...that get Thor to remember something 109 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,242 because Thor brain good. 110 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,878 -Okay. -You once mention 111 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,581 that Alberta not your real name. 112 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,249 Was throwaway comment, 113 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:13,387 but Thor can't help but think that maybe two facts related. 114 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:14,888 So? What if they are? 115 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,524 -So, tell Thor secret. -Why? 116 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,093 Because Thor put together pieces 117 00:04:20,192 --> 00:04:23,731 like Columbo or Steve from Blue's Clues. 118 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,533 Well, I ain't telling you nothing, Thor. 119 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,101 Then Thor will just remind other ghosts in house 120 00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:31,672 that Alberta not your real name and how that line up 121 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,273 with what Todd say. 122 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,443 Don't you even think about getting everyone riled up. 123 00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,177 I don't want everyone hounding me. 124 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,481 Well, then, you know what you must do. 125 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,983 Tell Thor everything. 126 00:04:43,082 --> 00:04:45,052 Okay, fine. 127 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,955 The reason I changed my name is because... 128 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,058 ...I killed a man. 129 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:54,495 And you're ashamed because... 130 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,764 it just one person you kill? 131 00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,265 Just keep it to yourself, okay? 132 00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,667 Okay, fine. 133 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,302 You got it... Alice? 134 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,037 Ah-ah-ah! I ain't telling you the real name. 135 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,807 You get one secret. That's all you're getting. 136 00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,910 You have my word... Beth? 137 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,144 Stop. 138 00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,680 SAMANTHA: Wow, 139 00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:15,015 you had Vince Vaughn on the Todd Pod? 140 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,417 Great guy. 141 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,619 I'm actually using his decorator at my house. 142 00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:21,088 Nice, you moved out of your mom's house. 143 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,623 No, I bought the house from her. 144 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:24,191 But now I live in my basement. 145 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,159 Why won't this man live above ground? 146 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,762 Jay, these samosas are incredible. 147 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:32,332 Am I tasting a hint of macadamia? 148 00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:35,102 Actually, I fry them in macadamia nut oil. 149 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,038 What a palate, Todd. But let's talk 150 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,707 Colonial Vampire. 151 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,074 I am biased, 152 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:44,044 but honestly, it was my favorite book of the year. 153 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,513 He's only read two, 154 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,515 that and the unauthorized biography of Chewbacca. 155 00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:50,551 Difficult childhood, but Chewbacca come out on top. 156 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:54,955 So, Sam, why was this the story you were dying to tell? 157 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:59,259 Well, uh, I like historical fiction. 158 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,862 The vampire thing was just sort of a gimmick 159 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:03,731 -to please the publisher. -Oh, I was actually 160 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,433 responding to the vampire stuff. 161 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,668 That's not surprising for someone who lives in a cave. 162 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,903 Samantha, may I talk to you for a second? 163 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:11,371 Excuse me, I'll be right back. 164 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:14,642 Wait, but-- Uh... um... 165 00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:16,710 Well, speaking of books, 166 00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:19,179 have you read the new Chewbacca biography? 167 00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:22,049 Wookiee of the Year? Yeah, I loved it. 168 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:23,917 Hey, Bela, I'm gonna stand near you 169 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,152 to talk to a ghost. 170 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,854 -No problem. -Samantha, what is 171 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,523 going on over there? That man wants passion. He wants pizzazz. 172 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,058 I know it's hard to wow in that outfit, 173 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,860 but that is what the moment demands. 174 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,361 Wait, is that 175 00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:36,029 -Todd Pearlman? -SAMANTHA: Yeah. 176 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,998 Ugh. That creep asked me out in college. 177 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,501 Oh, right. You went to Penn State Altoona campus. 178 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,002 He was a townie who lived with his mom. 179 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:45,105 Well, now he's a wildly successful podcaster. 180 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,540 Whose mom lives with him. 181 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:47,941 Have you ever heard of the Todd Pod? 182 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,678 That's him? He must be loaded. 183 00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:53,180 Is he single? I should have gone to Medieval Times 184 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,314 with him when I had the chance. 185 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,449 JAY: And that's why I named 186 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,950 the restaurant after my father. 187 00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,052 -Mahesh. -That's incredible. 188 00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,387 Every step of the way, 189 00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,089 he fought you following your passion. 190 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,692 But it was his risk-taking in moving here 191 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:08,095 that inspired your own bold gamble. 192 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,497 That is a great way of putting that. 193 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,699 These two are really connecting. 194 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,967 It's nice when men can talk about their feelings. 195 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:17,270 Except for Gordon Lightfoot, who never shut up about them. 196 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:18,672 Sorry about that. 197 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,273 (clears throat) Now, where were we? 198 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,675 Oh, that's right, 199 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:25,045 a tale about bats and blood, tea and taxation. 200 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,647 Razzle. 201 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,115 Let me stop you right there. 202 00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,417 I am gonna do my next Todd Pod here. 203 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,252 -Yes. -That's amazing. 204 00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,955 But not about you or your book. 205 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,289 What? 206 00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:38,892 This next Todd Pod is gonna dive deep... 207 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,460 into Jay. 208 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,663 The razzle came too late. 209 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,965 Too late. 210 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,640 -What the hell was that, Jay? -I'm so sorry, Sam. 211 00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:54,374 There's no way I could've seen that coming. 212 00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:55,709 What's happening? 213 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,277 Jay charmed the pants off of Creepy Todd 214 00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:59,780 and now it's about he whom Todd wants to pod. 215 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,481 There's a simple solution here, babe. 216 00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:03,083 I'm just gonna tell him I don't want to do his podcast. 217 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,885 He came here to feature you, 218 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,353 and that's what's gonna happen. 219 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,522 There you go. Jay jumps on the grenade, 220 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,924 Sam gets her pity pod. Everyone's happy. 221 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,926 Well, I don't want a pity pod. 222 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,995 Yes, we do. Need I remind you 223 00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:16,764 that without this podcast appearance, 224 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,265 our book is finished. 225 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,600 And with it, my story. 226 00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:22,135 And with that, any chance of an eventual 227 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:25,405 garish Broadway musical based on my story. 228 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,107 Stakes couldn't be higher. 229 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,009 You know who would be really good for the musical version? 230 00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,443 Hugh Jackman. 231 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,679 No, we're not stunt casting it with movie stars. 232 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:34,815 I have integrity. Now let's suck up 233 00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:39,019 to that creepy toenail collector and secure that pity pod. 234 00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:41,254 THORFINN: Hello there, Pete. 235 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,457 Thor have some interesting news that he just learn. 236 00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:47,294 But he promise Alberta he not say. 237 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:49,362 Oh, okay. Well, I respect that. 238 00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:52,900 On other hand, last promise Alberta make to Thor, 239 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,603 she break. I speak, of course, 240 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:58,939 of the saga of the revenge bail. 241 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,841 Sorry, is this gonna take a while? 242 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,976 Because the queen bee just left the colony, 243 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,277 and the worker bees are going nuts. 244 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:07,748 Peter, your girlfriend Alberta... 245 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,883 is murderer. 246 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,719 Sort of. 247 00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:12,820 Of just one man. 248 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,487 -What? -Also, her real name 249 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:17,658 not Alberta. Or Alice. Or Beth. 250 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,559 So don't bother trying to guess those. 251 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,561 I can't believe this. She told you this? 252 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:24,965 Yeah, and then she tell Thor not to tell anyone. 253 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,601 But Thor have other plans. 254 00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:30,503 Revenge bail revenge. (chuckles) 255 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,675 (Todd gasps softly) 256 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,977 So this is where it happens. 257 00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,647 This is the genius's lair. 258 00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:42,115 That dude's gonna bang this kitchen. 259 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,250 Can I help you? 260 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,417 Oh, hi. 261 00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:45,953 Todd Pearlman. 262 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,921 I'm gonna be featuring Jay on an upcoming episode 263 00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:50,023 -of my Todd Pod. -No way, that's you? 264 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,825 You had Colin Farrell on recently. 265 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:55,362 Colin Farrell. I'd put that penguin on a leash. 266 00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:56,329 JAY: Todd, hey, 267 00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:57,430 we need to talk. 268 00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:58,398 Oh, hi, Mark. 269 00:09:58,498 --> 00:09:59,733 Great news on the pod, Jay. 270 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:02,235 Yeah, about that. 271 00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:03,671 While I am deeply flattered, 272 00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,138 I don't think I'm gonna be able to do it. 273 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,339 -What? -Seriously? 274 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,208 Sounds like a huge opportunity. 275 00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:11,611 Oh, hey. I didn't know there'd be anyone in here. 276 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:12,880 Wait a second. 277 00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,948 Todd? From Altoona? 278 00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,817 Bela Arondekar. 279 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,686 That's my maiden name. 280 00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:21,621 Which I still have. Single. 281 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,123 Ooh, she's good. 282 00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:25,258 Oh, yeah, Bela's my sister, and she also works here. 283 00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,694 Anyway, 284 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:29,096 I really appreciate the offer, but I think you should 285 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:32,700 stick with the original plan to interview Sam. 286 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:36,369 Okay, there was no promise to interview Sam. 287 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,005 I came here with an open mind, 288 00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:41,040 but I wasn't moved. You move me, Jay. 289 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,943 -He'll do the pod. -What? 290 00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,344 What is there to even think about? 291 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,512 This could be huge for the restaurant. 292 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:47,414 And that's good for Sam, too. 293 00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:49,182 It's actually good for all of us. 294 00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:51,218 Mark is making some really strong points. 295 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,220 I mean, yeah, I guess that's true. 296 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,988 -Great, then it's settled. -Awesome. 297 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,223 I'll have my guys 298 00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,258 come in and set up the equipment. 299 00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,260 Bela, it was nice to see you 300 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,395 on this side of the Horseshoe Curve. 301 00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:05,532 (laughs) Oh, my God, Todd. 302 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,267 That was a hilarious Altoona reference. 303 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:10,070 You should be a stand-up comedian. 304 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:13,340 The way she debases herself to land a rich husband. 305 00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,809 I respect the hell out of it. 306 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,477 So, I had 307 00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:20,814 a sort of interesting conversation with Thor. 308 00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,816 I don't know how else to say this. 309 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:25,418 He said that you... killed a man? 310 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,586 Damn it, Thor. 311 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,689 Revenge bail revenge! Ha! 312 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:30,891 Petty bitch! 313 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,025 Yeah! 314 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,260 What's going on? 315 00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:35,562 I don't want to talk about this, Pete. 316 00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,798 Look, I know you lived a colorful life, 317 00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,599 and that you hung around with some no-goodniks, 318 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,202 but you're not a murderer. 319 00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,403 Are you? 320 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,672 Pete, you're missing a lot of context. 321 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,240 So, then share it. 322 00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,376 I don't want to. Can't we just move on? 323 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,745 Alberta, look. 324 00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:55,282 My... my marriage was riddled with secrets. 325 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:58,718 I was a cuckold, I was an unknowing front for the mob. 326 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,653 I can't be in another relationship 327 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,322 where someone's keeping secrets from me. 328 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,958 If I tell you, it's gonna change the way you see me forever. 329 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,160 I just want the truth. 330 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,396 Fine. 331 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:12,365 I'll tell you the story about how I became... 332 00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:16,136 ...Alberta Haynes. 333 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:19,706 I'm a little nervous, but I love the dramatic pause. 334 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,408 ISAAC: What's all this? 335 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:25,545 Todd's guys set this stuff up to record the pod. 336 00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:27,114 Jay's talk with Todd must have worked. 337 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,816 You know, I'm coming around on Jackman. 338 00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:30,317 The Greatest Showman? Maybe not, 339 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:33,120 but he's solid and he puts butts in seats. 340 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,654 Hey. 341 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,124 Didn't love the sound of that "hey." 342 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,259 -How'd it go with Todd? -Well, I told him 343 00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,794 I didn't want to be on the show, 344 00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,595 but he wouldn't take no for an answer. 345 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:43,763 Seriously, Jay? 346 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:45,498 I was trapped. Mark was there, 347 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,035 and he insisted that I do it because of the publicity. 348 00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,036 I can't believe this. 349 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,537 It's all slipping away. 350 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,472 At this rate, we'll be lucky to get Kevin Kline. 351 00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:56,676 Do you think I want to spend four hours 352 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,678 recording with Creepy Todd? 353 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,348 He was sensually stroking my kitchen counter. 354 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:02,549 It was unnerving. 355 00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,651 Ugh. Todd is the worst. 356 00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,786 I hate that we need this freak's help. 357 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,055 Hello. 358 00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:10,423 Hey, Todd. Uh, oh... 359 00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:12,926 I was just talking about my favorite kind of ice cream, 360 00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:14,995 which is vanilla. 361 00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:17,197 Okay, so this is why I wrote and she typed. 362 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,231 TODD: Save it. 363 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:21,334 I heard everything. Hot mic. 364 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,570 -Todd, we can explain. -No need. 365 00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:24,704 You think I'm creepy. 366 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,974 Obviously, the podcast is off. 367 00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:29,209 Furthermore, I will be instructing the Todd Mob... 368 00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,644 -That's what he calls his fans. -...to take you down 369 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:34,281 with an avalanche of one-star reviews. 370 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:37,384 Thor in avalanche once, but of snow. 371 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,920 They'll destroy your book, your restaurant, your B&B, 372 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:43,023 your hopes, your dreams and your Uber rating. 373 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:44,091 JAY: Todd, please, 374 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:45,558 can't we just talk? 375 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,826 You had your chance to talk. 376 00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,095 On the pod. 377 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,429 But now, that chance is gone. 378 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:51,932 And don't even think about using my code 379 00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:53,934 to get a discount on a mattress. 380 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,602 He's going full scorched earth. 381 00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:59,006 Does anyone want to split this Altoona-style pizza with me? 382 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,140 (gasps) 383 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,608 Oh, my God, Todd. 384 00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:04,411 Didn't even know you were here. 385 00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:12,552 Complete debasement to live in his basement. 386 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:13,954 Mmm. 387 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,957 So good. (chuckles) 388 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,463 ALBERTA: All right, here we go. Hold on to your arrow, Pete. 389 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,999 As you know, I came to New York to pursue my dream 390 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,534 of being a famous jazz singer. 391 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,537 But I wasn't an overnight success. 392 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:33,173 And I still had to pay the bills. 393 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,143 So you cleaned houses, you waited tables? 394 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,577 No, Pete. 395 00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:41,048 My real name is Esther Greene, 396 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,983 and I was... 397 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,651 a ventriloquist. 398 00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,619 -(scoffs) What? -You have to understand, 399 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:50,223 at that time, ventriloquism was all the rage. 400 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:53,226 Every day, buses from all over the country 401 00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:54,727 arrived in New York, full of people 402 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,429 with a dummy and a dream. 403 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,731 Did you have to book a second seat for the dummy 404 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,567 or was it like a lap child? 405 00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,769 Sorry, travel agent brain. Continue. 406 00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:04,904 So, when singing wasn't panning out, 407 00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,673 I gave ventriloquism a shot. 408 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,375 Turns out, 409 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,310 I was a natural. 410 00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,312 Okay, Murray, 411 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,447 if you're so smart, 412 00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:17,417 tell me what you see in the future. 413 00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:20,420 Well, in about 15 minutes, 414 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,355 I see a bunch of people asking for a refund. 415 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,291 (audience laughs) 416 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,360 Murray, you're terrible. 417 00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,597 Ha! Says the woman with her hand up my tush. 418 00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,632 ALBERTA: But the more successful 419 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:35,002 Esther Greene and the Magnificent Murray got, 420 00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,337 the further away I was from getting my dream. 421 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,039 I tried to pivot, 422 00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,141 but the public doesn't like a pivot. 423 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:44,244 All right, I think it's time for Murray to have a time-out. 424 00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:45,645 -(audience murmurs) -Okay, 425 00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,114 for something a little different, 426 00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:49,316 I, Esther Greene, will be singing 427 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,885 my rendition of "A Good Man is Hard to Find." 428 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,122 (audience boos) 429 00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:57,290 * My heart is sad * 430 00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,592 * 'Cause I'm all alone * 431 00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,294 (chanting): Murray! Murray! 432 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:02,762 ALBERTA: I knew if I didn't do something drastic, 433 00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,064 I'd be known as one half 434 00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,665 of Esther and The Magnificent Murray 435 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,300 for the rest of my life. 436 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,503 I'd never get to sing. I'd never get to live my dream. 437 00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,972 I knew I had to make a clean break. 438 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,475 I didn't want it to have to be this way. 439 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,778 But it's either you or me. 440 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,480 No, don't do it! 441 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:21,981 (shouts) 442 00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:25,752 From that day on, I left Murray and Esther behind. 443 00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:28,188 I took on the name "Alberta Haynes" 444 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:29,689 and I never looked back. 445 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,859 Alberta, you have nothing to be ashamed of. 446 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:35,362 You threw away a successful career to go after 447 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,497 what you really wanted. That takes guts. 448 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,066 I appreciate that. 449 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:42,035 But promise me you'll take this to your grave. 450 00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:44,037 Or... you know what I mean. 451 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,639 I'm proud of Alberta Haynes, 452 00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:49,509 and I never want anything to jeopardize her legacy. 453 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,878 Okay, I promise. 454 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,847 So, last question on this. 455 00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:58,418 Um, are you open to any ventriloquist-dummy role-play? 456 00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,719 I don't think so. 457 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,821 Cheerfully withdrawn. 458 00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:03,623 Todd, please, can we just discuss this? 459 00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:06,126 Why would you want to discuss anything with a creepy freak? 460 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:08,528 I mean, if you don't want to be painted with that brush, 461 00:17:08,627 --> 00:17:10,696 -maybe don't collect toenails? -SAMANTHA: Todd, 462 00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,565 you thought those were insults? 463 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,032 "Creep" and "freak"? 464 00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:15,702 No, those are just terms of endearment. 465 00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:18,871 Yeah, like, "Hey, let's get brunch, you creepy freak." 466 00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:20,406 Yeah, yeah. "Meet you there at noon, 467 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,008 you terrifying psycho." 468 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,675 Just stop it. The podcast is off 469 00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:25,078 and my followers 470 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,180 are going to ruin all that you two hold sacred. 471 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,415 What's going on here? 472 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,682 They call Todd "creepy," 473 00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,984 and now he vow to exact revenge. 474 00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,853 Todd, please, there has to be something we can do. 475 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,555 There's nothing you two have that I want. 476 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:38,558 HETTY: Poor Samantha and Jay. Their business is ruined, 477 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:39,992 their dreams shattered. 478 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,295 Sam, tell him you know my real name. 479 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,897 -Are you sure? -No, but if it will help 480 00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,766 Sam and Jay, I'll do it. 481 00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,034 Also sort of help Isaac. 482 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,169 Don't talk me out of it. 483 00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:50,537 TODD: I'm out of here. 484 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,805 Todd, wait. I know Alberta's real name. 485 00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:55,074 What are you talking about? 486 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:57,644 That's why he can't find any record of me before 1923. 487 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,045 I changed my name. 488 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:00,980 The reason you can't find any record of her 489 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,583 before 1923 is because she changed her name. 490 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,051 TODD: Why? Why would she 491 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,286 do such a thing? 492 00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:07,620 Oh, we will be happy to tell you, 493 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,123 if you call off the Todd Mob. 494 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,691 JAY: And you do 495 00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,560 the podcast about Sam. 496 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:14,694 No. 497 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,028 About both of us. 498 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,198 That's right, the couple that bribes together, 499 00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:19,399 thrives together. 500 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,534 No. After Jada and Will, 501 00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,003 I promised I would never do another couples episode. 502 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,505 Besides, I'm over Alberta. 503 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,574 I'm no longer obsessed with learning 504 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,777 every juicy detail of her fascinating life and legacy. 505 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,346 Are you sure? 'Cause it's a doozy. 506 00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:36,849 I don't like how he's twitching like that. 507 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,352 Okay, tell me! I gotta know! 508 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:43,990 Ah, there's that creepy Alberta obsessive we all know and love. 509 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:46,025 I'm a powerful drug. 510 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,161 SAMANTHA: And that's how 511 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:49,662 Esther Greene became Alberta Haynes. 512 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,664 But where's Alberta Haynes now? 513 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,166 That's the real mystery. 514 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,201 TODD: What a brave 515 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:55,802 choice by Alberta. 516 00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:59,272 Giving up the safety and stability of ventriloquism 517 00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:02,342 to test the unknown waters of jazz singing. 518 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:03,976 See? I told you it was brave. 519 00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:06,513 Look, I found an old picture of Esther Greene. 520 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,615 Hey, that's Alberta. 521 00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,550 I know from the tattoo on Todd's back, 522 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,085 -which is not creepy. -TODD: Wow! 523 00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:14,587 Incredible. 524 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,989 Wait, Alberta, is that your current hat on the dummy? 525 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,758 ALBERTA: Yeah. I took it from 526 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:21,228 Murray's splintered corpse after the attack. 527 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,330 Even though I wanted to bury my past, 528 00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:24,931 I couldn't totally let go. 529 00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:28,034 The truth is, Murray will always be a part of me. 530 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,203 That's really sweet, Alberta. 531 00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:31,871 THORFINN: So, wait, your hat 532 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,307 literal hat for dummy? 533 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:35,442 Okay, Thor. 534 00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:37,510 (laughs) 535 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:40,513 This is best day of Thor afterlife! 536 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,449 Okay, get it out your system. 537 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:43,850 What dumber than tiny dumb hat? 538 00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:47,387 Literal hat for dummy! (laughs) 539 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,855 Thank you, Alberta! 540 00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:51,758 Is incredible gift! 541 00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:58,265 For absolutely one night only... (laughs) 542 00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:01,234 I present Esther Greene 543 00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:05,605 and her little pal Pinecone Pete. 544 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,774 (high-pitched voice): Hey, why do I get second billing? 545 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,942 (laughs) 'Cause you're the dummy, dummy. 546 00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,711 This is deeply weird. 547 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,446 Wait, Pete voice sound different. 548 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:16,349 Yeah, that's 'cause Alberta's doing the voice. 549 00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:18,351 But her lips not moving. 550 00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:20,820 Looks like we got a second dummy here tonight. 551 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,989 Watch your words, Pinecone Pete. 552 00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:24,591 Make me. 553 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,025 I will. 554 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,026 Come at me, 555 00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:27,994 I dare you. 556 00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:29,362 Alberta, what are you doing? 557 00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:30,263 (shouts) 558 00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:32,031 SAMANTHA: And now Thor's 559 00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:35,468 chopping Pete in half repeatedly. Ouch. 560 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:37,770 Huh. That sounds like a tough watch. 561 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:40,440 THORFINN: Not so funny now, Pinecone Pete! 562 00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:43,643 PETE (screaming): Stop! It's not me! 563 00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:51,484 Captioning sponsored by CBS 564 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,219 and TOYOTA. 565 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,755 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org