[The Author narrates] Long, long ago, in a land not that far away,
a succession of kings believed God granted them the right
to rule England however they chose.
You know Henry the Eighth? Giant redheaded Tudor King.
Treated his wives like Kleenex: one blow and you're out.
Divorced, beheaded, died,
divorced, beheaded, survived.
Whew.
[Author] Next on the throne was his son, Edward.
Oh dear.
When he died, the Kingdom expected the crown to go to his half sisters,
Mary, or even Elizabeth.
But instead, came a total bloody shocker.
Lady Jane Grey.
Intellectual rebel, a bit of a pain in the ass,
and a political pawn for her ambitious noble family.
Jane was married without her consent and crowned Queen against her will.
Then, just nine days later, she was branded a traitor.
And...
wham... off with her head.
Jane could have been the leader England needed.
But instead, history remembers her as the ultimate damsel in distress.
Fuck that.
What if history were different?
[♪ Tegan and Sara: "Rebel Rebel"]
Never do anything you don't want to do.
[Esther] I do want it, though, Lady Jane.
Well, then my advice is, if his member looks pustular...
- Don't shag him. - Wise words, Susannah.
- I made this salve to cure your itch. - Aren't you clever?
Isn't she clever?
So, when's my cunny set for shagging?
A few weeks.
I can't abstain for a few weeks. Could you?
I couldn't. But Jane wouldn't know.
She's a lady. Saving herself for marriage.
I'm saving myself for myself, actually.
In fact, I may never marry.
[laughing]
Yes, mock the person who's curing your vagina.
[Esther] But how will you live?
What will you do? What would your mother say?
- Lady Frances doesn't know. - And I don't really care what she thinks.
I've got bigger plans.
Go on, tell her.
I'm writing the world's first complete compendium
of England's medicinal herbs and their uses.
- Herbs? - Herbs.
Herbs.
Text, and drawings for those who can't read.
I intend to publish it and sell it.
- [knock on door] - Perhaps I can make enough money to actually live independently.
Where is the bloody Calendula officinalis?
- [Susannah] Jane? - Found it.
- The Duke of Leicester is coming. - Bollocks. Is that today?
- She told me to get flowers. - [Susannah laughs]
Use it twice a day!
[♪ Tegan and Sara: "Rebel Rebel" continues]
- ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo ♪ - [whooping]
♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo... ♪
[Susannah] Jane, look.
New stable boy. Lush.
He's teaching me how to ride.
♪ They put you down ♪
- [both chuckle] - ♪ They say I'm wrong ♪
- [bells ringing] - ♪ You tacky thing, you put them on ♪
♪ Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress ♪
♪ Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess ♪
♪ Rebel Rebel ♪
- ♪ How could they know? ♪ - [horses neighing]
♪ Hot tramp, I love you so... ♪
- [horses neighing] - [horseman] Whoa!
- [song fades] - Whoa.
[horses neigh]
Did you chew them?
- Shut up, Margaret. - They're lovely.
- Shut up, Katherine. - Shut up, all of you.
And smile. Earn your keep.
[Author] When Jane's father died with no male heir,
his great-uncle once removed, the Duke of Leicester,
inherited everything,
leaving the Grey widow and daughters dependent on Leicester's charity
for their very survival.
[cackles]
[Margaret grunts]
[Duke] Ghastly crowds on the London Road.
A hanging at Chepstow.
Oh, no, what a bother.
- I think we should burn them all. - Margaret.
Quite agree, poppet.
The latest Division Laws stipulate death for the trespassing Ethian menace,
but not method,
and interpretation is the enemy of efficiency.
You've grown up, haven't you?
Bless you, child. [chuckles]
You'd be prettier if you smiled.
Would I?
[Frances] Your Grace, now do you have the--
[flies buzzing]
Elevation eases my gout.
Cherries are good for that.
- You know, I read that-- - [Duke] You read?
In a book?
I never permitted my wives-- all dead in childbirth--
The fruits of my loins are very large.
[Duke cackling]
I never permitted any of them to read or even own any books at all.
Yes, why did you burden us with all this education, Mother?
Because stupid women are tedious.
[whispers] What about stupid men?
- Eh? What's that? - Oh, nothing, nothing, Your Grace.
Leicester, pray tell, do you have the confirmation?
Ah. Yes, indeed I do.
Jane!
Sweet child, we have secured for you
the most thrilling honor one can bestow upon a young noblewoman.
Your marriage.
[Author] Oh, shit.
My marriage?
[Duke] What modesty! To believe that you are going to die...
Shut up!
- I'm sorry? - You should be!
You're wrong about everything.
I do not look prettier when I smile,
and I am not destined to be wretched.
- I am-- - Overwhelmed by the wonderful news.
Now I will escort Jane to her chambers. [chuckles]
Come along.
- Forgive her, Your Grace. - [Duke laughs]
[mutters indistinctly]
How dare you plot my life with that cretin?
- You drove me to this. - But I don't want to be married.
You no longer define your life by what you don't want.
You refuse to discuss suitors.
Or hunt or dance or do anything except for gossip with your servant
and fiddle with those infernal herbs and books.
Lord Guildford Dudley will be your husband.
Guildford Dudley?
I've heard of him. The girls at Court say he's vile.
He-he drinks, fights, gambles.
He cavorts with women of ill repute.
He is the last man I would ever marry.
Jane, this marriage protects us.
Leicester will soon tire of his charity towards us,
and I do not intend to leave my house for a wretched hovel in Croydon.
Your father left us nothing.
Our only wealth is blood.
And you are pure Verity and cousin to the King.
The Dudleys will do anything for power,
and they are very, very, very rich.
You mercenary bitch.
We do not do that anymore.
In three days' time, you will be wed.
I will do everything in my power to get out of this marriage.
[chuckling] Jane.
You have no power.
My book.
Where is my book?
What did you do?
I threw that wretched thing on the fire.
[dramatic orchestral music playing]
[insects chirping]
[Author] There comes a point in everyone's life
when you realize you simply cannot put up with your mother's bullshit
for another moment.
[♪ Kate Nash: "All Day and All of the Night"]
Tell me what pleases you.
♪ To be with you in the daytime ♪
Yeah, this works.
♪ I'm not content to be with you in the daytime ♪
♪ I'm not content to be with you... ♪
[panting]
[sighs]
Psst.
Psst!
[whispers] No.
[whispers] Now.
[sighs]
[song fades]
- We're leaving. - I was rather enjoying that.
- Wait, what did you say? - We're leaving. Now. Right now.
We'll go north, find a village where nobody knows us.
I'll make my cures, and you can sell--
- Are you crazy? - I have been trapped here my entire life.
If I marry, I will be trapped somewhere else.
Now, that is crazy.
- Jane, you don't know what it's like out there. - You sound like...
...like my mother.
- It's nearly dawn. We must hurry. - It's dangerous.
Ethians, the Pack. People talk of civil war.
You don't really believe that, now, do you?
I mean, when's the last time you even saw an Ethian?
What do you know? You don't go anywhere.
Jane.
When I was a kid, I--
Your family kicked you out.
- Yes, you told me. There was a man involved. - No, that's not--
You won't be safe.
I will never be safe while my mother is trying to barter me.
I want my life to be mine, forever.
- Jane-- - Then stay.
I'll be fine on my own.
You'll be dead in a week.
We'll need some money.
Do you like my ring?
My sweet mother is a sound sleeper.
- ♪ The only time I feel all right ♪ - [♪ Kate Nash: "All Day and All of the Night" resumes]
♪ Is by your side ♪
♪ Girl, I want to be with you ♪
♪ All of the time, all day... ♪
We'll follow the old path to Marlow, hop the river barge, start our lives.
♪ All of the time ♪
♪ All day and all of the night ♪
♪ Oh, girl, I want to be with you ♪
♪ All of the time ♪
♪ All day and all of the night... ♪
Hey, Jane.
What?
[song ends]
What's that sound?
[horn blows in distance]
[horse neighs]
[dogs barking]
Run.
[dramatic music playing]
[barking continues]
Hurry!
[men shouting]
- Come on! - I'm coming.
Hyah!
[panting]
[riders shouting]
Hyah! Hyah!
Come on.
Stop! They're here!
That's the thief that stole my ring
- and kidnapped my daughter. - What? No. Mother, it wasn't--
She didn't. Let go of her! It was me!
- It was me! - Get off me, you langer!
It was not you. Understand?
I forced her to come!
Your maid will be hanged for stealing, if she doesn't die in prison first.
Jane, forgive me.
[grunts]
[hawk screeches]
Ethian.
Have you forgotten the punishment for hiding an Ethian?
I had no idea.
Then you're a fool. Go home!
♪ ♪
[Author] A hawk.
Yes, Susannah is a hawk.
Did I mention that in this world,
some people can transform themselves into an animal?
They're called Ethians.
Everyone else, like Jane, is Verity.
Jane has always known about Ethians, of course.
She just never expected that her maid,
her friend, was one of them.
Jane was taught that Ethians are dangerous abominations
sent by Satan to destroy the Verity way of life.
Poppycock, of course.
As an Ethian, you can't choose your animal form,
but you can switch back and forth whenever you please.
Ethianism skips generations
and pops up now and again, usually in puberty,
during a moment of high emotion.
One minute, you're fighting with your sister,
- the next, bam, you're a badger. - [badger chitters]
It's just one of those things you're born with,
like being left-handed or the color of your eyes.
For decades, Ethians have been reviled, persecuted, banned.
And then King Henry, renowned shithead that he was,
exiled them to the wilderness, where they must hunt, beg or steal
to survive.
Jane has always wondered what it's like to be an Ethian,
but she'd never known one in real life.
And real life, as we know, can be a real kick in the tits.
[Margaret] Why is Jane sulking?
[Katherine] Mummy's right. Jane's just being difficult.
Oh, how typical of you to be on her side.
Ow! Not fair. I wasn't ready.
I've an idea.
Let's test all the servants with the dunking to see if they're Ethian.
[Jane] A dunking?
And who will feed you and make you fires when all the servants are dead?
- Take that! - Ah!
Margaret, are you all right?
[laughing] Tricked you.
Fake blood? Margaret.
That's cheating!
You mispronounced "winning."
[upbeat music playing]
[Jane] Where are you going?
Where's she going?
To London to see Lord Dudley.
Planning your wedding.
Hey!
Follow that barge.
♪ ♪
[heavy lock clacks]
[door creaks]
- Lady Frances. - Lord Dudley.
And... Lady Jane?
I wasn't expecting...
...my future daughter-in-law. Welcome.
- [sheep bleating] - [birds chirping]
As you can see, we're installing
new tapestries for the nuptials, straight from Firenze.
Braised hog, peacock pie, jellied egret, and my own favorite, roast dolphin.
Oh, yum!
Now, musical players-- how do we feel about the French?
- Tepid. - I know.
Filthy beast-lovers.
But the tunes. Hmm!
I must say, I'm enchanted to finally meet you.
Everybody tells me you're very, very clever.
I think my mother rather regrets my education.
- That's absolute-- - I jest.
[chuckles]
My cousin, King Edward, and I shared tutors as children.
He's my oldest friend.
Oh, kings don't have friends. They have subjects.
And counselors like moi.
My Lord, I'm here to meet your son.
I'm afraid Guildford isn't here. He's out. He's busy doing things.
Things?
Drinking and/or fighting?
Indisposed with a woman of fiscal virtue?
Oh, yes, I know all about those--
Nerves. [chuckles]
I quite understand. It's a big day.
Now, do you know my other son, Stan, is also engaged?
To a Bavarian princess.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
- Is she very rich? - Filthy.
Terrible outbreak of the plague there at the moment, so the wedding is postponed.
But as I said to him, if she can survive the plague,
she can survive marriage.
[prolonged laughter]
Actually--
Dudley and I have a marriage contract to discuss.
I would like to say something first.
Again? By all means, my dear girl.
I don't want to marry your son.
Nobody cares what you want.
Now, when you buy a tapestry, you're not buying it for yourself.
You're buying it for your descendants...
[door slams]
[dramatic music playing]
[boy] Oi, mister!
Spare some silver?
- Children, you'd like a little coin? Go on, then. - [children shouting]
Oh, I thought you wanted it?
Jump higher. [warbles]
Oh, jump higher. Go on--
[shouts] You little shit!
Stop that! Stop!
How dare you hurt that child?
- It accosted me. - You were teasing him. I saw it.
Poor little thing. Are you hurt?
He's had worse.
Give him those coins.
No.
Do it.
Certainly. My Lady.
- Oopsie. - Really?
I'm teaching him a lesson about the evils of begging.
Pox on you, fuckface.
Watch out. They have fleas.
Who is that man?
Lord Dudley's son. He's a prat.
That's Guildford Dudley?
[Author] Jane knows that marrying such a prat
is inconfuckingceivable.
Jane needs a miracle.
And the only people who can perform miracles are saints.
And kings.
[rousing music playing]
King Edward took the throne at nine years old
after his father, King Henry, finally kicked the royal bucket.
Edward's life changed from spending carefree days with his beloved cousin Jane
to being told by bossy-boots counselors
- how to rule his own bloody Kingdom. - [coughs]
[soldier shouts orders]
Including, but not limited to, reading poorly written proclamations
targeting Ethians.
[Lord Seymour] Is there a problem, Your Majesty?
M-My men...
...I would that I could be by your side on this day
and that you would call me "friend."
He's gone completely off-script.
- Indeed, Lord Seymour. - Get the chair.
I'll never know the rush of combat
or the joy of brotherhood-in-arms,
but what I can give you is my unending respect and gratitude
for your bravery and valor,
so that we may assure our people they are safe in England forever.
[soldiers] Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!
[Seymour] Your Majesty.
Shall we?
[sighs] Just wait until everyone's gone.
[Edward] Who are those new soldiers on the black horses?
[Seymour] I told you, remember? Kingsland Guards.
An elite force to protect you from the Ethian menace plaguing our land.
First point of order. [clears throat]
Beasts were caught sneaking into Grimsby.
It was the Pack.
- [crowd gasps] - Yes, yes.
The so-called Ethian Resistance.
- [coughing] - Beastly thugs
and in clear violation of Division Law.
No Ethian is permitted in Verity cities, towns or properties
under pain of death.
- Sentenced to death? - Of course. It's the law.
But you told me there is plenty of food for them in the wild.
Why must they sneak into Grimsby?
The mind boggles. I mean, have you ever been to Grimsby?
Don't kill them. Just put them back in the woods or something.
My cousin, Lady Jane Grey, is here.
Dismissed, all of you. Out.
[quiet chatter]
Your Majesty.
Stop it. [chuckles]
How are you feeling?
- How's the cold? - It's fine.
Ghastly, but it's fine, you know.
Say hello to my new doggy, Petunia.
- Hello, Petunia. - She's a very devoted little thing.
- Won't let me out of her sight. - Oh, she's beautiful.
Tell me, Janey, how are your sisters?
Is Margaret still pulling wings off butterflies?
Shall we take some air?
[wheelchair creaking]
[barking]
I have terrible news. My mother's forcing me to marry.
Will you intervene?
Jane, I've already approved it.
Oh.
Why?
Why would you ever approve my marriage without my consent?
Be logical. It is your duty to protect your family.
- I do not choose to marry. - You think I chose this life?
We're all born to certain roles.
Our destiny is set.
Anyway, what else would you possibly do?
I do not want to be a wife.
- Just some man's property. - Well, I do not want to be a dying King,
but here we are.
- You're not dying. - [coughing]
Are you?
I have the Affliction.
Do you think I'll be the first to recover?
The Kingdom is in chaos.
- I'm doing my best, but soon I'll be gone. - No.
No, don't say that.
This is the real world.
Kings die. Noblewomen marry.
Now, as to the chap in question, he cannot be that bad.
His pater is one of my counselors.
You'll quickly improve him the way that you improved me.
Did I need improving, though? That is the question.
[Edward chuckles]
I always thought marriage sounded rather fun.
A partner, a friend.
Someone to make you laugh.
Tell you that you're not alone.
I always thought I'd only marry if I could choose the man myself.
Janey.
That's just silly.
[Author] Princess Mary and Princess Elizabeth--
Bess, for short-- are the discarded offspring
of two of King Henry's most unfortunate wives.
Their brother, Edward, is youngest but the first to get the crown
- because of... - Chop, chop, Bess.
...you know, his penis.
[knocking]
Your Royal Highnesses.
Where's our brother?
He's in the gardens.
Perambulating with Lady Jane Grey.
Lady Jane Grey?
[upbeat music playing]
[arrow thuds in target]
Sisters. [coughing]
Your Majesty!
Eddiekins!
Seymour, pie.
- Oh, you look terrible. - I don't think I look that bad, actually.
Hello, brother. Cousin Jane.
Your Highnesses, it's a pleasure.
Sweet Bess.
- Jane and I, we were having some-- - [Mary] Blackberry pie.
Your favorite.
- Hmm? - Mary, thank you.
[coughing]
How awful, brother.
The Affliction is such a dreadful way to die.
You cough and cough until you cough your lungs right out.
- [hacking] - [Jane] Edward?
- [Mary] Brother? - [Seymour] Your Majesty?
Edward?
[choking] Janey.
He can't breathe. It's the Affliction.
Guards, fetch Dr. Butts!
We need pulmonaria. Uh, lungwort.
The lilac flower planted over there. Please!
Look at me. Hurry!
[dramatic music playing]
[choking continues]
Breathe.
[gasps]
[panting]
- Jane saved the King's life. - Jane saved the King's life.
Jane saved the King's life.
- I'm here! - [Seymour] Ah, Dr. Butts.
I am here.
I am-- [panting]
Another attack. Oh, dear me. I forgot my forceps.
You may wish to avert your eyes.
I'm going in.
[Seymour] That was exciting, wasn't it?
[Jane] Exciting?
I can't leave Edward like this.
Will you check if your medic has elfdock? It's a herb.
His Majesty enjoys the finest medical care in the Kingdom.
Ta-ta.
[horses neigh]
[lively music playing]
- [Butts] Might I venture a... - [slurps]
...suggestion, Your Highness?
Boiled kitten tea with urine.
An old man's urine, ideally.
[Charles] Oh, lovely. Lovely.
No kitten tea. Thank you.
Your Majesty, I only just heard.
Oh, finally he turns up.
- Where is Jane? - Why, I sent her home.
[coughing]
I think the time has come to appoint your successor.
I know.
I'm not afraid of death.
[coughs] Well, that's not true. I'm petrified.
You have the strength of a thousand lions.
Your Majesty, it is incumbent upon me as Lord Protector to confirm
that your eldest sister, Mary, is indeed the rightful heir to the throne
and the only choice to keep our Kingdom safe
from the rampaging hordes of satanic beasts.
Must you be so dramatic?
The entire Kingdom agrees.
I do not agree.
Let's just take a beat for a moment and think about this.
Now, Princess Mary's mother, Catherine,
was originally married to your father's brother, Arthur,
the heir apparent.
Remember that old chestnut?
Now, when Artie died, of course, she claimed non-consummation,
so that she could declare virgo intacta,
get an annulment and marry the new King.
But, I mean, come on, who are we kidding?
Spaniards? Th-th-th-th-th...
- [chuckles] - Mm.
And anyway, Henry went on to divorce Catherine.
So, is Mary's claim even legally valid?
Do you see? [whispering] Technically, she's a bastard.
Now, what about Princess Bess?
Her mother was an Ethian. The people would never accept it.
[Dudley] You're absolutely right...
Seymour.
Now, what if there was somebody else?
Someone with direct royal lineage,
perhaps engaged to a highborn Verity.
Someone who could, oh, I don't know, golly,
wear the crown until such time as they could produce a son.
Lady Jane.
Lady Jane Grey? Your cousin?
[gasps] What a marvelous idea.
Queen Jane? It's a terrible idea.
Well, it's His Royal Highness's idea. Are you saying it's terrible?
- [clears throat] - [Edward] She's a girl.
Girls can't rule.
Jane can rule, with our help, until such time as her son can be King.
What a happy coincidence.
- [chuckling] - Jane's husband-to-be is your son.
The future King would be his grandson.
Oh, my, I hadn't thought of that.
Queen Jane. That's absurd.
- Has a ring to it, doesn't it? - [Edward] Stop squabbling.
I have made my choice.
[coughing]
Take my will to the Chancery for safekeeping.
You may only open this in the event of my death, and not before.
[coughing]
[whimsical music playing]
I say, do you think this will take you very much longer?
[groans]
I shall take a horse. I don't live very far.
Lord Seymour wouldn't approve, My Lady.
Well, he certainly wouldn't approve of my catching my death in the cold,
and neither would my cousin...
the King?
[sighs]
Dudley, you swinish snake.
A swine and a snake?
This matter of succession.
I bow to King Edward's wishes, whatever they may be.
May the devil take you, Dudley.
You know, you really must calm down. This level of anger-- it's simply toxic.
- I can't! - Breathe, my dear man.
Let us hope he favors the rightful inheritor in Princess Mary.
If he names Lady Jane,
I cannot be responsible for what happens next.
Of course you would not be responsible for what happens next.
You'd be superfluous.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to plan.
[intriguing music playing]
Lord Seymour.
Give me that.
Seymour, I've already made my choice.
I need to rest.
Your Majesty, you must eat. Princess Mary's blackberry pie.
She's a dote, isn't she? Always looking after your health.
- [barks] - [Edward] Petunia!
- [clattering] - Guards!
Take this mutt to the kennel and kill it.
- No! - You are weak in mind and body.
This thing needs to be destroyed,
and I shall take great pleasure in doing it myself.
- [barking, growling] - Do not touch my dog.
Dismissed.
[barks]
[owl hooting]
[Author] For the first time in Jane's entire life,
no one knows where she is.
She is alone and free.
She can finally escape, ride north, discover... no, create her destiny.
[men shouting in distance]
Wait a minute. What's that?
Guards, a search party, clearly sent by King Edward and/or her dratted mother
to find her.
But as they say in the classics,
not today, Satan.
Jane needs somewhere to hide, like an empty woodsman's hut
or a nice hay bale.
Somewhere no one would ever think to look.
- [horse neighs] - [glass shatters]
[♪ The Donnas: "I Didn't Like You Anyway"]
[loud chatter]
♪ You told me that it just couldn't be ♪
♪ You don't wanna go out with me ♪
♪ No, I'm not sad, I don't even care... ♪
- [grunts] - Yeah! I win!
- Cheated, you gobshite. - Did not, you dumb fuck!
- [groans] - Piss off!
I say, whoa, whoa, whoa! Do you mind if I interrupt?
Arm wrestling is an ancient art.
The winner must be humble.
And the loser gracious.
- Go shag a beast, ya posh wanker. - Yeah, fuck off.
Very well.
Off I shall fuck.
- And now we're gonna gut ya. - [young man] Gut me with what?
Are you looking for these?
[intriguing music playing]
[laughter]
[crowd cheers]
And now I have your attention, shall I torture you with a poem?
[crowd] Yes!
[together] No.
Too late.
[speaking Latin] I have decided to die in a tavern.
Where the wine will be close to my dying...
[crowd, speaking Latin] ...mouth!
[young man] Thank you!
- And drink! Please, come on. - [crowd cheering]
[sultry rock music playing]
[Author] Let us take a moment to reassure our viewers
that there is no such thing as love at first sight.
But lust at first sight?
Oh, yes. Totally a thing.
So, do you... come here often?
[Author] Jane is the first person in history to ever use that line,
and two seconds later, the first to regret it.
[burps]
Wow.
Oops.
That's your response?
So you can recite the Archpoet standing on a table in a dirt-floor tavern,
- but you can't muster a simple apology? - I said, "Oops."
You mispronounced "vina," by the way.
"Vee-na."
Where'd you learn your Latin? In a ditch?
- Who would teach Latin in a ditch? - Oh, you're missing the point.
- The point being? - Your mediocre Latin
- and disappointing table manners. - Are we at a table? No.
Again, missing the point.
Has anybody ever told you that you're an insufferable pedant?
Oh, where I come from, pedantry is a virtue.
Where I come from, amiability trumps semantics.
Amiability is for the meek.
Amiability is for the amiable.
You are the rudest man I have ever met.
Well, the night is young. Mingle.
Oh, I intend to.
Good night.
Wait.
[lighthearted music playing]
- Who are you? - Who are you?
[Archer] Excuse me.
No. No. You lot can't be here.
- We just came for a drink, mate. - I don't want any trouble.
He's asking you nicely.
No trouble. You have my word.
And I said no.
Leave.
[whispers] Why is he kicking them out?
[door slams open]
- Good evening! - [crowd gasping, murmuring]
[whispers] Come with me.
- As if. - What?
Oh, shit.
[guard] I said, good evening, my good people.
We have it on excellent authority that a certain beast might be in here.
Goes by the name of Archer.
He's wanted for robbery, arson, sedition.
[quietly] Sedition. That's a new one.
[quietly] Well, I do try.
[sniffs, spits]
- [goblet bangs on table] - Hunting scum makes me ever so thirsty.
- [groans] - [crowd gasping]
Hand him over,
or we dunk every last one of you.
[quietly] What do you think? You up for it?
[quietly] Yeah, fuck it.
Why don't you leave him alone, you bunch of thugs?
- I'm Archer. - [crowd gasps]
Then you're coming with me.
[suspenseful music playing]
- [roaring] - [crowd screaming]
Right, let's go.
[roaring]
[young man] Move!
This door leads outside.
- [guard] Kill that fucking bear! - [people screaming]
[growls]
[groans]
[barking]
[roaring]
This is madness. I never knew things were like this.
You've never seen a bear in a bar before?
Take them all!
[groans]
[grunts]
[screams]
[groans]
[hawk screeches]
Hey.
Hey, more guards are coming!
Archer, Archer, they're here!
Let's get out of here now!
[Jane] Susannah!
- Susannah? - [Archer] Susannah, come on!
[whispering] Last chance. Come with me.
No.
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?
Susannah, come on! Let's go!
- I'm so sorry. - So am I.
What have we here?
- Beast or maiden? - [together] Maiden.
A Verity maiden in britches?
- I don't think so. - Susannah, go!
[hawk chirps, screeches]
Aiding and abetting Satan's spawn.
That'll be exile for you.
- Exile sounds fine, actually. - Mm.
How about a nice dunking instead?
Take her away!
[Edward] Eels.
Yummy.
[door creaks closed]
- Shall we have a nibble? - [barking]
Your Majesty.
[stammers] Ethian.
Calm down and listen to me. Your great-grandmother sent me here.
Oh, you liar, my great-grandmother is dead.
- [coughing] Guards! - Is she?
Then who gave me this?
The Bietso Cross.
She was buried with it.
No, she wasn't. She's alive.
And she sent me here because she suspected that you do not have the Affliction.
And she was right.
You are being poisoned.
I can smell it in your food.
I know, it's a lot to process.
No, no, that actually explains a lot.
- We must go to her. Now. - But who is poisoning me?
I don't know. But we need to get you out of here.
I...
Sorry, do you have something that I can wear?
We're not normally so starkers when we change,
but I was, because-- Oh.
Do you know what? It's a long story. I-I'll tell you about it some other time.
- There's a robe just there. - Cheers.
[Author] At this moment, Edward has two major revelations.
One, the dog girl is telling the truth.
And two, he is not interested in women romantically.
He always imagined girls look like men without their clothes.
Edward has led, let us remember, a deeply sheltered life.
Now, you get dressed, and we will be off like a tart's knickers.
- I'm not going anywhere with you. - What? Why not?
Well, until about five minutes ago, you were a dog.
And I'm the King, and someone is trying to kill me.
I must find them and punish them, obviously.
- But-- - I have spoken.
Granny will be most vexed.
[knocking on door]
[Edward] Come in.
Not hungry, Your Majesty?
No. Take it away.
[doors close]
Dearest Petunia, I think you might have saved my life.
[barks]
[door opens]
Good evening, Your Majesty.
[dramatic music playing]
[moaning]
How's my baby brother?
Weaker than a Sicilian's virtue.
- And his Will for Succession is-- - Done.
[cries in joy]
[shushes]
However-- [grunts]
However?
Did something happen?
- No. - Tell me what happened.
Nothing happened.
You are the natural choice, pudding pie.
The entire Kingdom wants you and you alone to succeed him.
I will be Queen.
And I will cleanse England of Satan's beasts.
Hmm.
And I will not have any nasty surprises.
- [girl screams] - [man cries out]
[Author] Ah, yes. A dunking.
Torture to force a suspected Ethian to change.
Or die.
[water burbling]
[crowd murmuring, shouting]
[guard] Right! Who's next?
- [water splashes] - What about her?
What?
She helped one escape. Might be a beast.
No, I'm not Ethian.
I'm-- No, I'm not-- Don't you--
[screams] No! No!
No! Please, please.
I won't change! I'll drown!
[grunts] You're hurting me!
That's the point, love.
- [Frances] Stop! - [horse neighs]
That is Lady Jane Grey,
cousin to His Majesty King Edward,
and I am ordering you to cease drowning her immediately.
[grunts]
[horse neighs]
I shall have those men flogged to death.
[Author] It's as close as Frances will ever get to saying "I love you."
Mother, about the wedding.
Please?
Please don't make me marry him.
I'll only say this once.
If you don't marry Guildford Dudley tomorrow,
I shall be forced to marry your sister Katherine
to the Duke of Leicester,
toe and all.
You wouldn't.
Try me.
[gentle music playing]
[Author] If only Jane could think of another way out of her unwanted wedding.
But her thoughts keep drifting back to the tavern
and that intriguing yet infuriating young man.
Not spending more time with intriguing yet infuriating young men in taverns
was one of the chief injustices of Jane's life.
Her existence would be all injustice now.
Marriage, motherhood, death.
In quick succession, if statistics are anything to go by.
Die, kitty, die! Beg for your life! Ha!
Margaret, get out.
You know the servants hate it when you get your fake blood on everything.
Wait, come back. Margaret, come back.
[♪ Alice Merton: "Vertigo"]
♪ Hands are sweaty, my heart beats heavy ♪
♪ There's something out there, I swear, I'm not ready ♪
♪ And I don't really know where to go from here ♪
♪ The sound's getting louder, the floor starts shaking ♪
♪ Everybody's feeling it ♪
♪ Why can't I feel it, no? ♪
Leave them wanting less.
- ♪ Oh ♪ - [vocalizing]
As you requested.
♪ All I can feel is ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ All I can feel is, feel is ♪
♪ All I can feel is vertigo ♪
What?
You'll do, I suppose.
♪ Feet still hurting ♪
♪ I think I lost sight of where I was going ♪
♪ And I don't really know where to go from here ♪
♪ 'Cause all I can feel is vertigo ♪
♪ Gotta get outta my head, do something that I'll regret ♪
♪ He's dancing now with someone he met ♪
♪ Losing my sanity, get rid of my vanity ♪
♪ All I can feel is, feel is ♪
♪ All I can feel is vertigo ♪
♪ Caught inside of ♪
♪ A dark night out ♪
♪ Left me standing ♪
- [song distorts and stops] - ♪ By myself ♪
[Author] Oh, yes.
Frequenter of taverns, seeker of trouble,
son of Lord Dudley and lust object
of one Lady Jane Grey.
May I present Jane's husband-to-be,
Lord Guildford Dudley.
[Bishop] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
to witness the joining
of Lady Jane Grey and Lord Guildford Dudley
in the sacred blessing of holy matrimony.
Lord Guildford Dudley.
What?
Oh, um...
I, Guildford,
take thee,
Jane,
to be my...
my...
...my wedded wife.
To have and to hold
from this day forward.
I plight thee my troth.
[Bishop] And Lady Jane Grey.
[gentle music playing]
I... Jane...
[quietly] You got a little... something.
[grunts softly]
[coughs]
[church bells ringing]
[sighs]
[crowd gasping, murmuring]
- Jane. - It's the Affliction!
[coughing]
Your Majesty.
Fetch Dr. Butts.
[♪ Tegan and Sara: "Rebel Rebel"]
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪
- ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪ - [song fades]
[lively orchestral music playing]
[Author] Well, well, well.
So many questions.
Will Jane marry the notorious Guildford Dudley?
Will King Edward be murdered by his deranged sister Mary?
I will be Queen.
- [Author] Will Susannah survive in exile? - [bear roars]
You'll find out, because our story has only just begun.
Tell me everything.
[Author] And once Jane is stuck in her insufferable marriage...
- I'm your Lord husband! - Ha!
[Author] ...to the most infuriating...
- I'll need a dagger. - That's not a dagger.
This is a dagger.
[Author] ...and attractive man she's ever met...
- [groans] - [cries out]
- ♪ Dear Mom, are you proud? ♪ - [♪ Andrew Michael Britton & Lana McDonagh: "Famous Now"]
[Author] ...and living in a world fraught with danger...
Somebody at Court is poisoning me.
[Author] ...and division...
The entire Kingdom is at stake.
- [soldiers chant] - [Author] ...she realizes perhaps
she doesn't know everything, after all.
Bollocks.
[Author] Just when life can't get any more complicated...
My Lady, His Majesty is dead.
[gasps]
[Author] ...Jane is named Queen of England.
Nothing's more important than the monarchy.
- Quite. - Quite.
Quite.
[screams]
[Author] Now she's surrounded by scoundrels,
traitors, sycophants, reprobates, fools...
- [yells] - [grunts]
- ...murderers... - Have fun getting yourself killed.
I will, thank you.
...and worst of all, her mother.
To me!
I do rather fancy mummykins.
- [moaning] - [chuckling]
[Author] Ready for an epic tale of true love and high adventure?
[Jane] The country wants to change.
- I could heal England. - [crowd cheering]
[people screaming]
Sounds to me like you're giving up.
Oh, I've never given up on anything in my entire life.
- Really? - Really.
Then prove it.
[Author] Of course you are.
Jane!
If you don't escape now, you'll die.
Fuck that.
[Author] Settle in, my darlings.
This is My Lady Jane.
Come. The Kingdom awaits.
- ♪ I'm famous now ♪ - [song ends]
[♪ Tegan and Sara: "Rebel Rebel"]
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ You've got your mother in a whirl ♪
♪ She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl ♪
♪ Hey, babe, your hair's all right ♪
♪ Hey, babe, let's go out tonight ♪
♪ You like me, and I like it all ♪
♪ We like dancing, and we look divine ♪
♪ You love bands ♪
♪ When they're playing hard ♪
♪ You want more, and you want it fast ♪
♪ They put you down, they say I'm wrong ♪
♪ You tacky thing, you put them on ♪
♪ Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress ♪
♪ Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess ♪
♪ Rebel Rebel, how could they know? ♪
♪ Hot tramp, I love you so ♪
♪ Don't ya? ♪
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
[song fades]