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# JOY TO THE WORLD
# Joy to the world! The Lord is come
# Let Earth receive her King
# Let every heart prepare him room
# And heaven and nature sing
# And heaven and heaven And nature sing...
(POLICE SIREN WAILS)
(FIRE CRACKLES)
TEACHER: Stop laughing. This is a disaster!
I mean, for the love of God, would you look at it?!
You'll all be in detention! The lot of you!(BOY LAUGHS)
It's not funny, Quinn! Were you responsible?
QUINN: No! It was Mikey Collins, sir!
BOY: Mikey, you're gonna get expelled!
TEACHER: Right! You clown, Collins. You're dead.
# Rocks, hills and plains
# Repeat the sounding joy
# Repeat the sounding joy #
(DOOR SLAMS)
You did that, didn't you? I know you did it, Collins.
I know it was you. That's criminal damage, so it is!
That-that...
that's a Christmas tree!
How's things at home, Mikey? How's things at YOUR home, Harold?
How about your mother? What do you think she would say...
What about YOUR mother?
My mother is dead. What she die of?
Disappointment?
The next time you're going to be in this school
is when you're in front of the Board of Governors.
Sweet! Excuse me.
Merry Christmas, one and all!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) # Oh you better watch out
# You better not cry
# You better not pout...
Scooped! (CHUCKLES)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
# Santa Claus is coming to town
# Santa Claus is coming... #
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(GLASS BREAKS) (BOYS GROAN) (CHUCKLES)
(GENERAL CHATTER) (JINGLE BELLS RING)
MAN: Sure, I've been training all week.
WOMAN: Watch that Achilles' tendon.
That'll really pull if you're not careful.
(MUSIC OVER PA) # Santa Claus is coming to town... #
(ELECTRICAL BUZZ, MUSIC STOPS) (ALL GROAN)
(BLOWS LONG RASPBERRY) (GROANING CONTINUES)
(RASPBERRY CONTINUES)
Ah-ah-ah! Hmm...
Choices, choices.
I recommend you get out of here before I put my toe up your jacksie.
Nice shoes. (BELLS TINKLE)
(CHUCKLES)
Oops!
You little.. (GRUNTING)
(CANS RATTLE)
MAN: Come on, we'll head round there now.
MIKEY: Class.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
BANK ROBBER: Get down, this is a robbery!
(PANICKED SHOUTING) WOMAN: He's got a gun!
I said get down! Put that phone down!
MAN: Don't shoot! (PISTOL BANGS)
# Simply having A wonderful Christmas time...
(CROWD CHEERING)
# The feeling's here.. #
WOMAN: Come on now. It's for charity.
(BELL RINGS, ALARM SOUNDS)
MAN: Stop that Santa! WOMAN: Stop him!
MAN: He's got a gun! (RUNNERS SCREAM)
WOMAN: He's got a gun!
(PARTY CHATTER, MUSIC)
POLICE CONTROL: 'All units, bank robbery in progress.
Man dressed as Santa robbing Ballycopse Bank.'
# The boys of the NYPD Choir
# Were singing Galway Bay
# And the bells were ringing out For Christmas Day...
(SIRENS BLARE, TYRES SCREECH)
(SIRENS IN DISTANCE)
Argh, you gotta be kiddin'. Not for this!
# The boys of the NYPD Choir..#
(SIRENS WAIL, TYRES SCREECH)
(SHOUTING, GRUNTING)
POLICE MAN: Get after him!
MAN: It's the other Santa!
POLICE: Come back!
(WOMAN GRUNTS)
(GLASS SMASHES)
WOMAN: You've got the wrong... (SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
(CAR ALARM BLEEPS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
(GROANING CONTINUES)
You all right, mate?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Up you get, buddy. (GROANING)
(GROWLS) Get off me!
(CAR HORN BEEPS, TYRES SCREECH)
What the..?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (SCREAMING)
(CLICK)
BOY: That's not the real Santa, sure it isn't, Dad?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(ROBBER YELLS)
(LAUGHS)
ROBBER: I hate this costume!
ALL SING: # Jingle bells jingle bells
# Jingle all the way (SPRAYING)
# Oh, what fun it is to ride
# In one-horse open sleigh, hey! #
BROWNIE: What's he doin'?
(GIRLS GASP) (SIRENS APPROACH)
LEADER: Don't look, girls. We're going back. Don't look.
(TYRES SCREECH)
Drop the sack, scumbag!
Wesley!
(CAR DOOR SLAMS) SANTA: I've done nothing!
Wind your neck in. You're booked!
(TOYS SQUEAK)
Yep, that's real good police work there, Wesley (!)
Real good. (LAUGHS)
Listen, folks, I'm really sorry about all this. We're gonna...
Really?
(CAR ENGINE RUNNING)
Did you see the look on those wee girls' faces? (LAUGHS)
What, when you pulled the gun on Santa Claus?
(LAUGHS)
It's Mikey, isn't it?
# It's beginning to look A lot like Christmas
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
# Everywhere you go
(YELLING CONTINUES)
# Take a look at the five and ten
# It's glistening once again...
MAN: Mind your car for you, missus. Give us a fiver.
Come on, son.
# Silver lanes that glow
# It's beginning to look A lot like Christmas
You all right, lads? (PIG NOISE)
# Toys in every store
# But the prettiest sight to see
# Is the holly that will be On your own front door #
I gotta go, Sean. (DOG HOWLS)
Where's your brother?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
POLICE WOMAN: Mrs Collins, can I have a word?
Hello, wee man. What's your name?
Erm, Sean. Hi, Sean.
Always wear your coat in the house?
He's just in. He was playing outside.
I wasn't... Up to your room, Sean.
(SIGHS) My goodness.
Hey, Mikey.
Hi.
Jeez. Thanks, Mikey.
(SIGHS)
It's out of my hands. I have to contact Social Services.
They'll be in touch in a few days' time.
I'm sorry.
(MOURNFUL MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
Is the fuzz away, Mam?
Just give me a minute, love.
Just a minute.
(SIGHS)
(DEEP BREATH)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
BRADY: That's better.
Spam alert.
# Where you can see Every couple tries to stop
# Rockin' around... #
Could I trouble you for the time, Mrs Cheblek?
Almost ten to, Mr Brady. Oh, oh, my watch is right then.
I thought it was slow. Since it is considered
one of the most accurate time-pieces on the market,
I was going to write to the manufacturers
and express my dissatisfaction. But, no, it is as advertised,
"The Watch the World has Learned to Trust".
Which means you were late again, Mrs Collins.
I'm sorry. I'll make it up.
And how do we intend to do that, Mrs Collins?
We don't know.
(SNICKERS)
I need someone to work Christmas Day.(GASPS)
You're opening Christmas Day?
What do people want on Christmas Day?
Snow? Batteries.
I'm opening two hours to catch the rush.
I can't do Christmas Day.
You said you wanted make it up, Mrs Collins.
This is how WE make it up.
Ho-ho-ho (!)
Don't I get a ticket for the raffle?
You what? Oh, yes, sorry.
# Voices singing "Let's be jolly"
# Deck the halls With boughs of holly
# Rockin' around The Christmas tree
# Have a happy holiday
# Everyone dancin' merrily
# In the new old-fashioned way #
# You share every Christmas With me my darling...
What's wrong? I need a drink of water.
(MUSIC ON TV CONTINUES)
(AEROSOL RATTLES) (SIGHS)
Thanks for this, Mikey. We can decorate the windows tomorrow.
Wish we had some of those...
what do you call them? Stencils. We can make some.
Really? What out of? I'll think of something.
Now go to bed.
That'll be good. We can make...
Would you go to bed?
Do you think I'll get a bike this year, Mikey?
(MOURNFUL MUSIC)
Just go to bed, Sean.
Well, I mean, what did you ask for?
A little brother who doesn't keep asking me daft questions.
Sorry!
And they're not daft!
Yes, they are.
(PHONE PINGS)
Mrs Collins, you left your till.
I just got my pay through and it's four hours short.
Your timekeeping, Mrs Collins. Now, you have a customer waiting.
But I agreed to work Christmas Day.
And that will be calculated in your next month's wages.
Mr Brady, it's Christmas and I'm four hours short in my wages
and you're in charge of timekeeping...
Why do you call me Spam?
It's, erm... I...
(SIGHS) I don't know.
I see.
I have to tell you, Mrs Collins,
that as "Stuff For A Pound" area manager,
I must report this conversation to the regional manager,
because the implication of what you're suggesting
regarding your timekeeping is...
dishonest.
Now, if you would return to your till...
Mrs Collins?
Dishonest?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
About time! I've been standing here...
And a ticket for the raffle?
My son'll love it if I win that bike.
(CAROL OF THE BELLS PLAYS)
(RIPS RAFFLE TICKET FROM BOOK)
Excuse me.
Yeah.
# From everywhere Filling the air
# Oh how they pound Raising the sound
# O'er hill and dale Telling their tale
# Gaily they ring While people sing
# Songs of good cheer Christmas is here
# Gaily they ring While people sing... #
Just in case someone calls you, sis, and you don't know
what they're talking about. (PHONE) 'Why can't you do it?'
I'm not allowed to enter the raffle but if I put your
name and number down, Sharon. 'Hang on. What if we get caught?'
It's a million to one. It's just one ticket..
'Oh, I don't know.'
You're Sharon McEvoy, and you've never heard of me, right?
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
(CHURCH BELL RINGS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
POLICE MAN: Well, as you know... (INDISTINCT)
So half pound of beef sausages, did you say, love?
How many's in half a pound? Six.
I only need four.
Oh, I nearly forgot, a bone for the dog.
But we don't have a dog.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
He's a wee bit simple. God help him.
But we don't!
He scares me.
There's nothing to be scared of. He's a good man.
He stands there day and night all through the holidays,
Christmas Day even, right up to New Year,
collecting for people. Like children in Africa?
It's not just children in Africa.
There's children here need some help as well.
Poor children?
Yeah.
Why's he dressed like that?
I suppose he's saying Christmas isn't all goodness and light.
It can be difficult for some people. Pfff!
It's gonna be difficult for Mikey
if he doesn't make his Christmas list.
Sean, just cos it's on a list, doesn't mean you're gonna get it.
I know, Mum. It's up to Santa.
The police found his getaway car near my house.
I've never seen as many Santas in my life.
There must've been hundreds. But one of them was the real Santa.
REPORTER: The real Santa?
He's a rich man now.
The robber's armed and still at large.
Does that worry you?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
GEORGINA: We appreciate your time. Thank you.
WESLEY: (LAUGHING) Thanks for your time.
That's a cracker! Ahhh...
Why did Santa rob the bank?
What?It's like a Christmas cracker joke, isn't it?
Why did Santa rob the bank?
Because "snow-one" would give him a loan. (LAUGHS)
Get it?Yep. "Snow-one" would give him a loan!
Or "snow-one" would give him a mortgage! (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Did you fill up with fuel before we left?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
(PACKET RUSTLING)
(MAN MOANING LIGHTLY)
(PHEASANTS CLUCKING)
(MOANING CONTINUES)
Hello?
(MOANING CONTINUES)
(SANTA MOANING LIGHTLY)
Where's the bag?
Your sack. Listen, I can help you.
You can't tell anybody I'm here.
You've no worries on that score, but where's your bag?
I want half, right? Half?
Half's fair, if I get you outta here.
(CHUCKLES) Half of what?
It's all over the news. The news?
Already? You stole 80 grand.
What do you think? That happens every...
Is it up there? I must have fallen.
Yeah, you fell over a fence. I just thought you were drunk.
Out of my sleigh.
Huh?I can only presume I nodded off at the reins.
I've been working very hard, you see?
The trees and all this must have broken my fall.
What do you think I am?!
Ooh! My... my head.
Your head? You're...
What do you call it? Concussed?
What? You come to.
You're in that suit, so you think...
You think you're Santa?
And you don't remember the bag!
Toy sack?
I must have left it on the sleigh.
Yeah, maybe you dropped it or hid it somewhere
and you can't remember.
What did you use, a gun? You still got it?
Oh-ho-ho, no.
I don't make guns anymore.
Not since the '60s.
(CHUCKLES)
OK. We're gonna wait till your head's better.
But we're gonna have to warm you up first, I think.
Rudolph will be back for me soon.
Well, just in case he's held up, I'll get some blankets, food.
That is kind. Bring you some soup in a flask, eh?
Any cloudberries?
I'll see if my ma has any in the fridge.
But I wouldn't hold my breath. Oh, no, you... No.
You can't put them in the refrigerator.
They're much sweeter if you leave them sitting out.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
GEORGINA: Heading out to Forest Road,
the Armstrongs' house. Suspect may be in hiding.
POLICE CONTROL: 'Understood.' Sierra-Six-Four out.
What do elves learn at school?
The elf-abet! (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
Where are you going for Christmas?
Therapy.
(LAUGHING) Oh, God, you're good!
You're good, Georgina!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
GIRL: Cheers.
(WESLEY GUFFAWS)
Ahhh!
He's gotta be hiding somewhere close by.
(CHUCKLES) If he's hiding here, he's got good taste.
(CAT PURRING)
Ugh! I hate cats.
Are you more of a dog man, Wes? Rabbits.
I like rabbits.
And guinea pigs.
Hamsters.
According to the station, the Armstrongs are in Andorra.
Where's that, then?
Now, what does a cat in a house tell you, Wesley?
Is that like a bird in the hand or two in the bush or what?
Pound to the penny says that they didn't set the alarm.
TV: # Snow is falling
# All around me, Children playing... #
What's wrong? Nothing.
I'm home, aren't I? Go on to work.
Where were you? Nowhere.
Anyone I know in this "Nowhere"?
Are you going to work or not?
Why are you so anxious to get me off to work?I'm not.
Sean, love, go up to your room, please.
Er, what have I done?
Please, love. Just need a wee word with Mikey.
(HUFFS)
(SIGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Wanna talk about yesterday? We haven't had the chance.
But your headmaster wanted to talk about it.
Made me feel about this big.
Ah, he's a dose! He blames everything on me.
(SIGHS)
This can't go on.
We have to have a proper talk about this when I get home, right?
Right.
(SIGHS) Mikey, you wouldn't ever leave Sean on his own?
You're supposed to be minding him. You're his ma.
Wrong answer.
Look, I don't like leaving yous every night.
I hate it but somebody has to put food on the table.
Food on the table?!
This made with another dog bone, mother?
You think I like this?
If you can't get him a bike, I'll get him a bike.
I'll get him ten bikes, a hundred bikes.
What does that mean?
(SCOFFS)
Mikey...Sean, Sean, Sean, that's all I hear,
Sean this and Sean that!
What about me? What am I getting for Christmas?
You get all these free holidays from school, Mikey,
and a ride in a police car - your stocking's full.
Y'know, if you'd asked them cops if it was OK for you to go off to work
and leave me minding Sean every night,
maybe you could've got a ride in a police car too!
Maybe you'd like to report me? Do the social workers' job.
Maybe you'd like to spend your Christmas in care, Mikey?
In care?!
I might have more to unwrap.
I don't believe you!
Do you call these Christmas presents?
At least it's got wheels, Mother.
(SLAP)
(SOBBING)
Ah, dammit.
What's happening?
What are you doing?
Mikey? Go and watch TV!
I don't like pickled onion. Hard lines.
Right, don't answer the door to anybody, you hear me?
Where are you going, Mikey?
What were you and Mum shouting about?
Why are you taking your schoolbag? It's Christmas thing.
What kind of Christmas thing? You...
you haven't even made your Christmas list yet.
And why is that?
What did you put at the top of your Christmas list last year?
A bike. And what happened?
I didn't get one. That tell you anything?
What are you trying to say?
Oh, it's like talking to a bunny rabbit!
Tonight I'm gonna sort my Christmas list
once and for all, little bro.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Thank you very much.
(BELL CHIMES)
Patricia, I take my break now?
It's not so busy. Where's Spam?
I think the storeroom, playing with his wee batteries.
(UPBEAT CHRISTMASSY MUSIC)
Dammit.
What are you doing in here, Mrs Collins?
I had to make a phone call.
I used your phone, and...
my own was dead. I'm sorry.
Why did you close the blinds?
Cos I'm not allowed in here. No, you're not, Mrs Collins.
So you are aware of at least one rule.
What was the phone call about?
I'd prefer not to say.
You don't have that luxury.
You were late again today, Mrs Collins.
Now you've left the counter area unattended
to sneak about in my office.
I could sack you here, on the spot.
I had an argument with my son before I came out.
Well, why couldn't it wait... I slapped him.
Spare the rod...
spoil the child, Mrs Collins.
Get back to your till.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(URINATING)
(OFFICER SIGHS WITH SATISFACTION)
Ahhh, that's better.
SEAN: (DISTANT) Mikey!
Mikey! Oh...
Oh! Gah! (WHISTLES)
(EXCITED CHATTER)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) Run! Run!
Mikey! Run, Sean, run!
Why are we running?
Are you running away, Mikey? Listen...
You can't run away. It's Christmas!
I just have to see somebody. Who?
What's it to do with your Christmas list?
Mikey...
you know when you were saying earlier about Christmas last year?
Were you saying there's no...
Santa?!
What are you doing? Didn't I tell you not to move?
(MOANING LIGHTLY)
Ooh... thank you. You sit down there.
(GASPS) Thank you. That is kind.
Your head any better? You remember anything?
Did you get the cloudberries?
(Ah, feck!)
Oh, my God! Santa, it's really you! It's really you!
Yes, it is. (CHUCKLES)
It's really me.
Oh, my God!
I'm Sean.
Sean Collins.
Sean Collins...
That name rings a bell.
Do you write me lots of letters, Sean?
Yes, Santa. Loads of them.
I write them all the time!
It doesn't matter when it is in the year,
I just write you letters. Do you know, Sean,
I think you just might be my number one fan!
(SIGHS) Do you mean that?
Do you really, really mean that? Of course I do, Sean.
Oh, my God! Do you hear that, Mikey?
Oh, loud and clear. Oh, thank you.
So how come Santa's number one fan didn't get a bike last Christmas?
Well, I don't... exactly remember.
Perhaps I didn't think you were ready for a bicycle last Christmas.
What about this Christmas?
(CHUCKLES) Yes!
This soup, it's a bit thin, Mikey.
Woof, woof.
Are you all right, Santa? I mean, where's Rudolph?
Oh, he flew on. He flew on?
After I fell out of my sleigh. What?!
And Rudolph, isn't he coming back?
Oh, he'll be back.
But it takes a long time for a reindeer
to turn a sleigh in mid-air.
But he will be back? Oh, he'll be back.
Good old Rudy!
Right, I've had about enough of all this...
What... is...
..this?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
BRADY: Which one of you fluffy snowmen
are gonna be lucky today, eh? (CHUCKLES)
Drumroll, please.
Oh, please, madam, would you draw out
the lucky winner of this marvellous prize?
(TICKETS RUSTLING)
Hey, love, Christmas is coming.
(CHUCKLES)
Er, would you read it for us, please?
Sharon...
I'm sorry. I haven't got my glasses.
No. No.
Shannon.
Shannon O'Casey. (CUSTOMERS GROANING)
I'll phone Miss O'Casey right away and tell her the good news.
Thank you. Thank you, everyone.
Miss Cheblek, give me a bin bag.
Those tickets need recycling.
(SIGHS)
(BRADY LAUGHING)
Er, hang on a minute.
(GROWLS SOFTLY)
Pour me a cup, you.
What is this, eh? What's the word, fat man?
Are you referring to me?
(SPITS)
This is hot water.
He thinks he's Santa Claus. I don't know.
He's banged his head, escaped from an old folks' home, maybe.
Mikey! I thought he was you.
I brought him some blankets... You thought he was me?
Tell him, Santa.
How you fell out of your sleigh, and Rudolph could be back any...
Stop! (GASPS)
So you thought he was me?
So? You're the man on the news!
What man, Sean? He robbed the bank!
Oh. And you thought that I was...
I can get you transport.
There's a house nearby. The family's on holiday.
They've got a car.
I can bring you there...
..for some of the money. No.
What do you think of that, Daddy Christmas, eh?
Doesn't that warm the cockles of your old heart?
You, sir, are a disgrace to that uniform.
Talking of uniforms...
..you might come in useful, Santy.
Let's go, Einstein.
Come, come. Come. Come on.
SEAN: How old are you, Santa?
357, Sean.
Oh... Oh, no, is it eight?
In the name of... Do you get Christmas dinner?
You must be tired on Christmas Day. (SIGHS) Exhausted, Sean.
In fact, so exhausted,
I usually don't get out of bed until the New Year.
Another thing I've always wondered about...
Yes, what is it?Stop it! Where the hell are we, Einstein?!
Are we going to the big house, Mikey?Big house?
My mum used to help clean it.
She used to take us out there all the time.
We used to feed the birds.
That's what they used to call jail.
In the old movies, isn't it?
The big house.
Ho-ho-ho (!)
How old are you, kid? I'll be eight next month
if it's any of your business.
Eight next month if it's any of my business,
but you don't know about Santy?
Here.
Have you not told him yet, Einstein?
I'm talking to you, Einstein... I thought you wanted out of here.
Tell him.
Ignore them, Sean.
Go on.
(SIGHS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS)
There is no bike, Sean.
All your lists and your letters, there will be no bike.
Not unless we help this man here.
And he paid us.
That's the only way you're gonna get a bike.
Understand?
No, Mikey. You're a liar.
Damn right he's a liar! What?!
What a thing to say! That you told me to say...
If I was you, little man, I'd be keeping an eye on him.
I know I am.
I think he'd do or say anything. (GASPS)
It's Sean. Isn't that right?
Do you know the way to the big house, Sean?
Yes.
Typical.
Spam.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Mrs Collins, are you in there?
Yes.
What exactly do you mean, "yes"? You've been off your till...
I'll be there in a minute!
Well, make sure you are.
Mrs Collins.
(TAP RUNNING)
(SOBBING)
What happened to your getaway car, mister bank robber?
It didn't get away. Bad luck.
No luck, kid. Story of my life.
My mum says you make your own luck.
Maybe.
I didn't escape from an old folks' home, you know?
I am Father Christmas.
Why don't you believe me? I don't know.
Maybe it's the whole flying reindeer stuff.
What are you doing out here anyway?
Where is your ma? Your da?
I don't know where my dad is.
Never seen him.
My mum, she works at night. Mikey minds me.
Huh. He's doing a good job (!)
We need a plan here.
You need to distract him or something.
So you don't know who your da is? I know who he is.
But I don't remember him. He left when I was small.
Mum says...
Tell the whole world, why don't ya?!
Our family's our business, not yours!
You're mighty sensitive, Einstein.
He never said anything, Mikey. And you shut up, too!
No, why don't you shut up, too, Mikey?!Sean...
No, Santa, he's always like this.
Any time you say something to him, he blows his lid.
And he's always mean to Mum, all the time!
You tell him, kid.
I knew from the moment I first laid eyes on him.
Let him have it, wee man.
You know, sometimes... sometimes...
..I wish you would run away.
You don't mean that, Sean.
Ya think? You wee...
Gah! Mikey!
Christmas and family!
Don't you just love it!
(GRUNTS) Ohhh!
(HIGH—PITCHED WHINE, GROANS)
Run, Sean, run!
No, Mikey, no.
(GROANING) Get out of my way.
No, no...
Look, Rudolph!
Huh?
Why are we running?
(SEAN SHOUTING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Run, Sean, run... (GRUNTS, GROANS)
Mikey?
Are you all right? Mikey?
Wake up.
Mikey? (GROANS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC) Mikey? Mikey?
We've gotta go.
Playtime's over.
RADIO: # SLADE: Merry Xmas Everybody (PATRICIA KNOCKS)
# So here it is... You got a minute?
It's not a question whether I have a minute, Mrs Collins,
it's whether YOU have.
And, er, regarding earlier in the bathroom...
Hello. Is this Mrs O'Casey?
Who is she, your cousin? Your auntie?
Lover?
What was it you said about a sackable offence earlier
when I told you I phoned my son?
Well, I didn't phone him.
I couldn't phone him, he doesn't have a phone.
I suppose that's what he should be getting for Christmas,
but it wouldn't have mattered, cos I wouldn't have phoned him.
All I could think of was stuffing that bucket with dodgy tickets,
just like you did.
That's right - we're two of a kind, you and me.
No, I'm worse, I slapped my son.
Gah!
Please...
Mrs Collins...
Pat...
Patsy... Patricia.
Patricia...
we can be reasonable here.
You can have the bike, and...
I can reinstate those hours...
No!
No.
No, I want the rest of the day off
to go home and beg forgiveness from my son.
And I want Christmas Day with my children.
Maybe it's not gonna be much of a Christmas Day,
and maybe it might even be the last.
But...
No, I don't want you opening up at all on Christmas Day.
I don't want you forcing Dominika to work that shift.
I want her to have her Christmas with her husband and her baby.
Well, give me the bag then.
Happy Christmas, Spam.
Mr Brady.
DOMINIKA: Merry Christmas, Seb.
(OWL HOOTING)
SANTA: There now. (GROANS)
Here we are. Now, just take... take a minute.
There. That's a pretty nasty bruise you have there.
Where... Where's...
What are you looking for, Mikey?
Sean...
or the money? Hmm?
Mikey, wait, wait, wait.
Mikey. Oh... (GRUNTS)
Don't worry. We'll get him back.
If only Rudolph would come back, then we could... I could...
Enough!
I don't wanna hear any more of that crap, d'you hear me?
(MUTTERS) Tapelig gutt! What?
"Tapelig gutt", it means "foolish boy" in Norwegian.
Oh, yeah?
And what's "stupid old git"?
"Spro gammel tosk".
(DOG BARKING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Good... good doggy.
Good doggy.
(SPEAKING NORWEGIAN)
(DOG GROWLING)
Gah! (DOG BARKS)
(DOG WHINES)
How'd you do that?
How do you think?
GEORGINA: Sierra-Six-Four, still no movement at the house.
CONTROL: 'Keep it locked down. We've got dogs sweeping the woods.'
WESLEY: Why did Santa rob the bank? (SIGHS) Wesley!
(SANTA PANTING)
SANTA: Oh.
I thought you said no-one was at home?
They'll be automatic, won't they?
And sure, there's no alarm. Mrs Armstrong's nuts about cats.
They're given a free run of the house.
If he's hurt our Sean...
We should call the police.
What with?
Don't you have a telephone?
No. You never brought me one. Oh.
Sorry about that.
It's just such a pity. What?
I don't have my magic dust,
otherwise I could've slipped down the chimney.
But I left it on the sleigh.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(PANTING)
(PANTING LOUDLY)
Shhh.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(I see it. I see it.)
(Thank God!)
Hey, Santa. Hi, Mikey.
Look, remember Cosmo?
Are you OK? Look how fat he's...
(FOOTSTEPS UPSTAIRS)
(COSMO MEOWS)
(OK, let's go.)
He tied me up. Oh, what kind of man...
We need a knife. What? A knife?
Shhh.
Did... did he hurt you, Sean? No.
I was thinking. What were you thinking, Sean?
The Armstrongs are on holiday, Santa.
What do you do when that happens? Where do you deliver the presents?
Who would want to go on holiday at Christmas time, anyway?
Well, that's a very good question, Sean.
If they didn't write me a letter, then I have secret elf spies.
They tell me.
(DOOR SHUTS, CAR LOCK PIPS)
BANK ROBBER: Yes!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
How many elves are there, Santa?
Erm... Oh...
over 12,000.
Where do they live? Huh?
Erm... Oh, er...
Elf Town. Hmm.
Let's go. Come on.
Your ma not teach you anything about
running with a pair of scissors in your hand?
Get in here.
Close the door.
(GASPS) You're not gonna use that gun.
The cops are parked near the end of the lane.
And you owe me and Sean for getting you here.
I'm taking what you owe us.
Oh...
You're real smart, Einstein.
Mikey, stop this. But you're real dumb, too.
Now, you just stay away! Enough!
(GROWLS) Agh!
(CLICKING)
There now. All Christmassy.
Those are Mrs Armstrong's clothes.
I had to get dressed in the dark, is that all right?
Ah!
Open sesame. What?!
(Whoa.) This lot won't be buying chicken
and pretending it's turkey on the big day.
No, they'll be off in Florida or skiing in Italy...
Andorra.
(CHUCKLES)
Did you need to do that?
Fancy a spin, Santy? What?
I can't drive one of those. Why, sure you can, Santy!
Tell me, those cops parked near the end of the road,
who are they looking for? You.
No, YOU, Santy Claus.
Now, what I want you to do is drive past them,
make it to the main road, take the road towards town.
They'll catch you inside of a minute,
but a minute's all I'll need.
Here, gimme a sec.
You're gonna do what he says?!
Yes. I am going to do what he says.
And we'll just go on home and crawl into bed, will we?
Forget any of this ever happened, will we?
I wish I could.
Right. Let's get this show on the road.
It's the little touches that matter.
Okey-dokey, push the button.
# If you're ready for me boy
# You better push the button
# And let me know before I... #
(GROANS) (CHUCKLES)
Merry Christmas, fat man!
(WHACK) (GRUNTS)
Ha!
I've never hit anyone in my life.
Good time to start!
Right, the plan stays the same.
Except instead of the right, you take the left.
Lead them the other way. You can take the car.
No, madness, madness!
No, this is madness!
No, Mikey. Listen, listen.
We go down to those policemen and we tell them now what happened.
Mikey, Mikey, listen to me.
Listen to me.
Don't let your heart turn sour, son.
You've grown up too fast. I see it all the time.
But growing up is about holding on to what's important.
Those things that a child takes for granted -
wonder, goodness, love.
If you forget those things, Mikey...
..you are lost.
Wonder?
And goodness and love?
This is all of that I need.
Take a look around you. Sean wants a bike for Christmas,
and these'uns have five or six hanging up around these walls.
Probably two or three each.
Where's all your wonder and goodness and love there?
Lost?
GET lost, old man.
If you're not gonna help, we'll go the back way.
Cut through the woods.
In this weather? And in the dark?
"We"?
Oh, no, no.
No, you want to break your own neck, you go right ahead,
but your little brother is not getting into this deathtrap.
Sean? No!
You really want that bike, don't you, Sean?
Sure, Santa's bringing me one for Christmas. Aren't you, Santa?
I sure am, Sean.
You still want me to run away?
I don't want you to run away.
I was going to. But I won't now.
Not if you get on here.
You promise, Mikey? I promise, Sean.
But you gotta stop fighting with Mum, too.I promise.
Thank you, Santa.
What for, Sean? You know.
That was the top of my Christmas list.
That Mikey and Mum made up.
I put it top.
Thank you.
That's way better than a bike. Isn't it?
Uekte!
What, Santa?
That's either very bad word in Norwegian, little bro,
or he's clearing his throat.
(SIGHS)
I've got it. What?
Why did Santa rob the bank? (GROANS)
Where you going? Where do you think, Wesley?
For a stroll? I'm going to check on the house.
You want me to come with you? No.
You just sit tight there, Wesley.
Twenty years a cop and I've never shot anyone.
I have never so much as taken my gun out of my holster,
but you see if you get out of this car, that will all...
(GARAGE DOOR CLUNKS)
..change.
I thought you said this lot were in Italy?
# CROOKLYN CLAN AND FATMAN SCOOP: Be Faithful
# You got a 100-dollar bill Get your hands up!
# You got a 50-dollar bill Get your hands up!
# You got a 20-dollar bill Get your hands up!
# You got a ten-dollar bill Get your hands up!
# Single ladies! I can't hear ya!
# Single ladies! Make noise!
# Single ladies! I can't hear ya!
# Single ladies! Make noise!
# If you got long hair Get your hands up
# If you got short hair... #
(ENGINE REVS)
Left I told him! What I tell him?
(ENGINE REVS)
(ENGINE STARTS, TYRES SCREECH, SIREN WAILING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
Wesley!
(TYRES SCREECH) Wesley!
(BANK ROBBER GROANING, SPLUTTERING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(TYRES SCREECH, BONES CRUNCH) (SCREAMING) Aaaagh!
(ENGINE REVVING) Hang on, Sean!
Hang on! (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(SIREN WAILING)
We have to go past them, Sean.
Don't wave, whatever you do.
# CROOKLYN CLAN AND FATMAN SCOOP: Be Faithful
It's all right, officers. (CHUCKLES)
It's all right. (CHUCKLES) Charlie?
Drop the gun! Don't move.
What? Oh! Oh, no, it's...
It's not mine. What, this?
This? (CHUCKLES) No!
Drop it!
(GUNSHOT)
Oh. Agh!
(THUD) (GRUNTS)
Charlie!
They shot Santa!
Santa! Charlie?
WESLEY: "Charlie"? Heather, Charlie Heather.
He's one of ours. He used to be a dog handler,
but then he... Oh, Jesus, no.
What's he doing wearing a Santa suit? With a gun?
He's sick. He dresses like this all year round.
He must have...
For God's sake, man, call an ambulance!
Stay with me, Charlie, love.
He's Santa!
WESLEY: Six-Seven to Control. Send an ambulance.
(ENGINE STARTS) Back-up needed...
Hey!
(ENGINE REVVING)
It's all my fault.
Sean.
Mum.
No!
(WIND WHISTLING)
(TYRES SCREECH IN DISTANCE)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (GASPS)
(CHUCKLES) (ENGINE REVS)
Come on!
Come on.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(TYRES SCREECH)
Whoa!
(GASPS)
Give me my money, you little weasel!
It's mine! All mine!
Wait till I get hold of you! Give me back my 80 grand!
(GROUP LAUGH AND CHEER)
(ENGINE RUMBLING)
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING CONTINUE)
BANK ROBBER: Pull over, Einstein!
Pull over!
Give me my money.
Ah-ah. Not this time.
Give it me!
My money!
(BYSTANDERS LAUGHING)
Move!
Come here, Einstein!
PATRICIA: Mikey!
Gotcha!
(YELLS, GROANS)
(ALL CHEERING ON) GIRL: Go on!
Not so fast. (CHUCKLES)
My money! Leave him alone!
(BOTH GRUNTING) Get back!
Get off!
(GRUNTS) (CACKLES)
(CABLE WHIPS AND CRACKS) (SCREAMS) Aaaagh!
(GRUNTING)
(ALL EXCLAIM) Oh, my God!
Agh! Mum!
(ONLOOKERS CHEERING)
Awww.
(BABY VOICE) Is big bad boy Mikey going to cry?
Mikey!
End of the road, Einstein.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(CLUNK, RATTLE) Huh?
(ONLOOKERS CHEERING ON)
(GASPS)
(CRUNCH) (HIGH-PITCHED YELP)
(CROAKILY) Not again.
(ALL CHEERING) Yeah!
(BANK ROBBER GROANING)
Oh, thank God.
I'm so sorry, love.
I'm so sorry.
Have you ever tried cloudberries, Ma?
What?
You leave them sitting out.
You don't put them in the fridge.
No.
"Refrigerator".
That's what he called it. Who did? Who's this?
No, you leave them sitting out.
Sweeter that way. Mikey?
Tapelig gutt. What?
Mikey, what?
Tapelig gutt...
(DRUNKENLY) Merry Christmas, everyone!
(BANK ROBBER GROANING) (CORD CREAKS)
(THUD) (GROANING)
(GASPS)
(SIREN WAILING)
(GASPS)
(CHUCKLES) Suckers!
Huh?
NOOOOOOOOO!
PA ANNOUNCEMENT: 'Dr O'Leary, ring extension 395.
Dr O'Leary, extension 395...'
I have to work. What am I supposed to do?
I have no answer to that, Mrs Collins.
Patricia.
More and more in this job,
I see good people with their backs against the wall.
Charlie was...
Santa was saying what great boys you have.
No. "Remarkable".
That was the word he used.
When I left him, he was deciding what he'll bring you for Christmas.
Or what his elves will bring you, seeing as how he's laid up.
Look.
The thing is, Patricia...
none of this looks good.
Especially a police officer discharging his weapon
at an old man with dementia.
I mean, can you imagine what the papers would do with that?
And then, of course, there's the fact
that our guy got clean away.
With all that money.
I don't care about the money.
All I care about is those two wee boys.
That's all I care about.
(OVERLAPPING VOICES) 'You stole 80 grand. I want half.'
'Don't let your heart turn sour, son.'
'End of the road, Einstein.'
'Do you think I'll get a bike this year?'
'I don't like leaving yous.'
'You've grown up too fast.'
'Any time I say something to him...'
'Tapelig gutt.'
'They shot Santa!'
'Tonight I'm gonna sort my Christmas list
once and for all, little bro.'
Mikey?
Oh, thank God.
How are you feeling?
(GROANS) It's OK. It's fine.
Mr Heather's fine.
He is?
He's not Mr Heather.
If he had his magic dust, you'd see.
I'll tell him you've woken up, Mikey.
He'll be glad to hear that.
He's just down the corridor.
He's not exactly singing and dancing but...
he's OK.
And Sean's OK. And you're OK.
What about the police?
Are they OK?
The money...
..it was inside my coat.
I know.
What?
All of it?
You didn't keep just a little bit?
Not a penny.
We're better than that.
We're a family, Mikey.
We're a family.
And we'll make it through this, if we stick together.
Rest up, love.
It's Christmas Eve.
Back home, I would be getting up about now.
Loading up the sleigh, all the little elves...
So what were you doing last night, if tonight's Christmas Eve?
Dry run. Testing the wind currents.
Tricky things, wind currents.
Why, one year, we ended up in Slough
when we should have been in Stockholm.
Rudolph was distraught.
We don't talk about it.
Rudolph will be back for me soon.
Did I ever tell you that... that it takes a... a long time
for a reindeer to turn the sleigh in mid-air? Did...
What?
What?!
You just think I'm crazy.
Making all those toys?
And giving them away for nothing?
Craziest thing I ever heard.
Santa.
(CHUCKLES)
(UPLIFTING MUSIC)
# BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town
# Yeah you better watch out, You better not cry
# You better not pout, I'm telling you why
# Santa Claus is comin' to town (CHUCKLES)
# Santa Claus is comin' to town
# Santa Claus is comin' to town... #
(CHATTER)
Happy Christmas, everybody!
(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)
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