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YTS.MX

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A girl goes to the
gynecologist, says,

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00:00:15,466 --> 00:00:15,966
"Doc, I'm freaking out.

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00:00:15,966 --> 00:00:17,234
I'm freaking out.

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I keep finding postage stamps
from Costa Rica in my vagina."

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He examines her, he says,

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00:00:24,915 --> 00:00:26,444
"Lady, those aren't
postage stamps.

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Those are the stickers
from bananas."

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00:00:30,021 --> 00:00:32,483
(upbeat music)

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00:00:32,483 --> 00:00:33,684
I always say,

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00:00:33,684 --> 00:00:38,159
Jackie made the biggest blunder
in show business history.

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He decided to enter it.

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00:00:41,131 --> 00:00:42,097
There's very few
people like him.

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♪ I'm smoking pot. ♪

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♪ I got my dick out. ♪

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00:00:45,463 --> 00:00:46,563
Good night everybody!

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00:00:46,563 --> 00:00:50,644
♪ And I'm thinking about you. ♪

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00:00:50,644 --> 00:00:54,912
Funny's the first word
and a fun guy.

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00:00:54,912 --> 00:00:56,243
Welcome to Vegas.

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00:00:56,243 --> 00:00:57,145
Come on!

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00:00:59,688 --> 00:01:01,479
I've always liked
making people laugh

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00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:03,954
and I don't know why.

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The old couple is sitting
in the living room

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and the wife turns her husband

26
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and she says, "Let's
go upstairs and fuck."

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And he says, "I don't
know if I could do both."

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Just his laugh would
make you start laughing.

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What do you call a Jewish
vagina, a can't.

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What he does in his show
is not credited nearly enough

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00:01:31,245 --> 00:01:32,950
for what it really is.

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To watch Jackie walk
up to the microphone.

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It's like watching Babe Ruth
leave the on deck circle

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to tell a joke.

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And he gets up there and he,

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before the first
thing he says is,

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two flies land on a
piece of shit.

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Two flies land on a
piece of shit.

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The first one lifts his leg
and goes (blows raspberry),

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second one says, "Come on
man, I'm trying to eat."

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People might
criticize and say,

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"Oh, he only tells jokes.

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On stage, that's part of it.

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But the guy works hard.

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Thank you my whole life.

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Here, happy birthday.

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Bye you guys, thank you
so much for coming out.

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There's always action.

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00:02:06,344 --> 00:02:08,216
There's always action
with Jackie.

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You bring up Jackie to any
of these like famous comedians.

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They all have that, no bullshit,

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that serious respect of
Jackie and the jokes.

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They all stop and they
get a little serious

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and they'll go, "Ah, he fucked
it up with Howard Stern."

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I think Jackie is greatly
affected by the misperceptions

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of his personality
and intentions

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that were perpetrated by
Howard on the Stern show.

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Guys says to his wife,

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"Were you faking it last night?"

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She says, "Nah, I was
really asleep."

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So for the people
that don't know,

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I'm with Jackie, the Joke Man,

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the head writer of the Howard
Stern Show for 15 years.

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Right?

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15 years.

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00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:04,569
I met him in 1983, but
went full-time in 1986.

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00:03:04,569 --> 00:03:05,570
Right.

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00:03:05,570 --> 00:03:08,606
(upbeat jazz music)

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00:03:16,121 --> 00:03:17,582
My house that I grew up in,

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my mother and father
are downstairs

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and they've built a partition

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and my aunt and uncle
are upstairs.

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So it's my mother and my
father, my father's brother,

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and my mother's sister.

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For the first two years of
my life, I had four parents.

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They must have watched every
poop, every pee, every step.

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Everything I did,

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I was the center of
attention for four adults.

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After two years, my
mother had another kid,

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my aunt had a kid, my father
started drinking more.

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So for the last 69 years
I've been going,

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"Where the fuck did
everybody go?"

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And that's what caused me.

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00:03:54,553 --> 00:03:56,786
Now, I don't know if that
holds any water,

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00:03:56,786 --> 00:03:59,756
but it's as good an
explanation as any, you know.

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00:03:59,756 --> 00:04:02,726
Jackie will tell you
he had a tough childhood,

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00:04:02,726 --> 00:04:06,235
but he's always enjoyed
the limelight.

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00:04:06,235 --> 00:04:08,072
He's just naturally
really funny.

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00:04:08,908 --> 00:04:12,340
I think we inherited
funny from this family,

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00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:14,177
because I think with
this family,

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00:04:14,177 --> 00:04:16,113
while we were thrown a
lot of really good times.

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00:04:16,113 --> 00:04:19,677
We were thrown a lot of
really hard times too.

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00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,811
And I think you have
to have funny

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00:04:21,811 --> 00:04:24,121
to get through those times.

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00:04:24,121 --> 00:04:26,321
They didn't have the
easiest of childhoods

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00:04:26,321 --> 00:04:31,359
and there was always substance
stuff in this family.

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00:04:32,061 --> 00:04:36,595
So I think people coped
and adapted through humor.

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My parents' marriage
really deteriorated

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00:04:39,730 --> 00:04:41,402
through the sixties.

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When my father was drinking,

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we were all crazy and my
brother was a fuck up.

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It was a lot going on.

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00:04:47,408 --> 00:04:51,885
So it was tough, we had six
family deaths in two years.

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My brother's suicide, then
my father died,

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00:04:54,679 --> 00:04:56,549
then my sister's husband died,

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00:04:56,549 --> 00:04:59,420
then my aunt died, then
my cousin's husband died.

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00:05:01,325 --> 00:05:04,898
We almost had a shuttle going
to the family grave, you know?

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00:05:04,898 --> 00:05:09,133
But you live through it,
you know what I mean?

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00:05:10,367 --> 00:05:11,432
(twangy guitar music)

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00:05:11,432 --> 00:05:14,468
(indistinct vocals)

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You know, I had a
crazy family.

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00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:29,120
I went to school at
Michigan State.

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It's the Midwest, it's a
different world.

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And my roommate's from Detroit,

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00:05:34,224 --> 00:05:36,259
I mean this guy Nick used to,

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his parents would come and
visit and when they left,

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he'd kiss his father
goodbye on the lips.

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Wow.

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My mother used to
sign her letters to me.

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00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:47,369
I love you when
you're in Michigan.

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00:05:47,369 --> 00:05:48,766
And that used to drive
him crazy like,

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00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:50,306
"Man, that's your mom."

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00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:51,340
I said, "Yeah, it's my
fucking mother

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and that's our relationship
and she means it."

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The minute I walk in the
door, it's a world war.

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00:05:56,807 --> 00:05:59,777
My favorite of all Jackie
and his mom's stories

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00:05:59,777 --> 00:06:01,779
is when Jackie was
driving up to college

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00:06:01,779 --> 00:06:04,518
with his buddies
going to Michigan

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00:06:04,518 --> 00:06:07,422
and his mom decided that
she wanted to come along

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00:06:07,422 --> 00:06:10,293
and they had a pail so
they could all pee in it

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so they didn't have to stop.

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So the windows were open,

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00:06:13,428 --> 00:06:15,496
his mom's sitting in
the backseat

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and Jackie pees in a pail

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00:06:17,630 --> 00:06:20,303
and then goes to throw the pail,
the pee,

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out the window and the
wind grabs it

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and just puts all the
pee back into

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the freaking backseat window
right into his mother's face.

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00:06:29,213 --> 00:06:31,347
Jackie's pee all over his
mother's face.

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00:06:32,911 --> 00:06:33,977
My sixth grade report card,

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Mr. Devine wrote, "Jackie's
an excellent student,

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but sometimes he has fun
at the expense of others."

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Oh my God, that that just said,

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00:06:45,999 --> 00:06:48,298
I've never told you that
for, oh, he is just amazing.

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00:06:48,298 --> 00:06:50,597
Jackie is all about
the ball bust.

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00:06:50,597 --> 00:06:53,237
I think it's in his DNA.

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00:06:53,237 --> 00:06:55,602
And no matter how hard
he breaks your balls,

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00:06:55,602 --> 00:06:57,637
fortunately it's funny.

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My friends from Syosset
were over at Oyster Bay

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00:07:03,313 --> 00:07:04,941
and we had all just
got our licenses

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00:07:04,941 --> 00:07:07,878
and we're all drinking
and crazy and having fun.

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And my buddy Iacovelli
was driving the car.

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Anything about poop would
make him nuts.

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And we're driving and
the guys from Syosset

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were right behind us

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and we're high school kids,

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what are we gonna, let's, how
are we gonna freak them out?

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00:07:22,893 --> 00:07:24,565
How are we gonna freak them out?

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00:07:24,565 --> 00:07:26,435
So I was always mooning people,

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so I'm gonna moon them
and pull my pants down

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00:07:28,503 --> 00:07:30,571
and I got my ass all
the way out,

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00:07:30,571 --> 00:07:34,575
like hanging on all the way
out and I'm outta my mind

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and I shit.

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00:07:38,746 --> 00:07:40,416
I shit, and I'm like, (grunts)

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And Iacovelli is like,
"What are you doing?"

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I said, "I'm shitting."

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And he's like,

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00:07:43,716 --> 00:07:46,653
(high pitched gagging)

169
00:07:46,653 --> 00:07:49,018
And he's trying to drive
and I'm laughing my ass off.

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He said, "You are not."

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00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:53,693
And I wiped some on my finger

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00:07:53,693 --> 00:07:55,695
and wiped it on the windshield.

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00:07:55,695 --> 00:07:56,993
I said, "Look over here Mike."

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He almost drove into a tree,
oh my God.

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This one time a guy
called up and said,

176
00:08:03,771 --> 00:08:06,343
"Howard, Jackie is so
disgusting."

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00:08:06,343 --> 00:08:07,542
And he's like, "What
are you talking about?"

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00:08:07,542 --> 00:08:08,444
And he says,

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00:08:09,645 --> 00:08:11,810
"Years ago we were
driving in a van

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00:08:11,810 --> 00:08:14,879
and Jackie mooned
everybody outside the van

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00:08:14,879 --> 00:08:17,453
on a highway while the
van was moving.

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00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:19,719
And he took a dump out the van."

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00:08:19,719 --> 00:08:21,985
Anybody else you might think,
"Oh my God, that's wrong."

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00:08:21,985 --> 00:08:23,789
He might lie and say it
never happened.

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00:08:23,789 --> 00:08:27,067
Real casual, Jackie went,
"Yeah, that's a harvest moon."

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00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:30,928
I had to pull my car over.

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00:08:34,868 --> 00:08:37,770
He's trying to embarrass
me and I got a name for it.

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00:08:37,770 --> 00:08:41,378
Like, not only was he not
embarrassed, he was proud of it.

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He was kind of famous
in Oyster Bay,

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00:08:45,646 --> 00:08:47,417
right from the beginning.

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00:08:47,417 --> 00:08:50,123
If you look at his high
school yearbook,

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00:08:50,123 --> 00:08:55,128
he's cutest, cutest couple,
funniest, most dramatic.

193
00:08:55,128 --> 00:08:57,625
He's got like seven of those.

194
00:08:57,625 --> 00:08:59,792
He was very, very popular
in high school.

195
00:08:59,792 --> 00:09:01,497
We started a band.

196
00:09:01,497 --> 00:09:03,433
Jackie had this leader characteristic

197
00:09:03,433 --> 00:09:05,028
and I knew he was very energetic

198
00:09:05,028 --> 00:09:07,096
and very popular with the girls.

199
00:09:07,096 --> 00:09:08,264
We were absolutely terrible,

200
00:09:08,264 --> 00:09:12,871
but 15 or 16 years old, we
thought we were rock stars.

201
00:09:12,871 --> 00:09:13,872
It was really great.

202
00:09:14,674 --> 00:09:18,107
Jackie was a gymnast
when he was young.

203
00:09:18,107 --> 00:09:19,614
Floor exercises.

204
00:09:19,614 --> 00:09:21,550
They didn't have all
the fancy mats

205
00:09:21,550 --> 00:09:22,914
and I was like, "They didn't?

206
00:09:23,950 --> 00:09:24,916
Oh my God."

207
00:09:24,916 --> 00:09:26,687
So he was quite the athlete.

208
00:09:27,624 --> 00:09:29,591
When you see that footage,

209
00:09:29,591 --> 00:09:31,395
you can't really
believe it's him.

210
00:09:31,395 --> 00:09:34,398
He was really a
phenomenal gymnast.

211
00:09:34,398 --> 00:09:35,795
I still have a gymnastic body.

212
00:09:35,795 --> 00:09:37,632
You know, when I
graduated from college,

213
00:09:37,632 --> 00:09:40,129
I would be in a bar and I'd say,

214
00:09:40,129 --> 00:09:42,032
"Gimme a dollar and
I'll do a flip,"

215
00:09:42,032 --> 00:09:43,473
and somebody would
gimme a dollar

216
00:09:43,473 --> 00:09:45,002
and I'd do a back flip
standing there

217
00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:46,036
and then get a beer.

218
00:09:46,907 --> 00:09:47,741
I did that.

219
00:09:47,741 --> 00:09:48,610
I did that a lot.

220
00:09:48,610 --> 00:09:49,044
It was fun.

221
00:09:49,044 --> 00:09:49,611
It was stupid.

222
00:09:49,611 --> 00:09:50,679
People come up and say,

223
00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:54,946
"Here's a dollar, do a
flip like a monkey, do it.

224
00:09:54,946 --> 00:09:56,585
Here we are in a bar.

225
00:09:56,585 --> 00:09:58,620
One end of the bar is a drunk,

226
00:09:58,620 --> 00:09:59,753
the other end of the
bar is a woman

227
00:09:59,753 --> 00:10:03,086
in a very tight, low
cut black dress

228
00:10:03,086 --> 00:10:05,495
waving feverishly for
the bartender.

229
00:10:05,495 --> 00:10:07,728
And she has an
incredibly hairy armpit.

230
00:10:08,236 --> 00:10:09,631
The drunk says,

231
00:10:09,631 --> 00:10:12,535
"Gimme a drink and give
a drink to the ballerina

232
00:10:12,535 --> 00:10:14,636
at the other end."

233
00:10:14,636 --> 00:10:15,802
The bartender says,

234
00:10:15,802 --> 00:10:17,672
"How do you know she's
a ballerina?"

235
00:10:17,672 --> 00:10:20,136
He says, "Who else could
get her leg up that high?"

236
00:10:26,683 --> 00:10:29,189
It's 1955 and I'm in
third grade.

237
00:10:29,983 --> 00:10:31,149
I had a very small gang.

238
00:10:31,149 --> 00:10:34,689
And we're sitting there and
my cousin walked in the door

239
00:10:34,689 --> 00:10:36,559
and he took a piece of
paper out of his pocket

240
00:10:36,559 --> 00:10:40,596
and he read a parody to "The
Night before Christmas."

241
00:10:40,596 --> 00:10:42,532
And it was filthy.

242
00:10:42,532 --> 00:10:46,767
And he's reading it and
the guys were mesmerized,

243
00:10:46,767 --> 00:10:48,571
they were enchanted, they
were laughing,

244
00:10:48,571 --> 00:10:49,935
they were instantly.

245
00:10:51,741 --> 00:10:54,203
And I, something in my third
grade mind looking around,

246
00:10:54,203 --> 00:10:55,578
must have clicked and said,

247
00:10:55,578 --> 00:10:58,207
"This is cool" or "This is, wow,
look at."

248
00:10:58,207 --> 00:11:01,452
And I just have remembered
every joke, dirty or clean,

249
00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,146
since then.

250
00:11:03,146 --> 00:11:04,884
I could never stop telling jokes

251
00:11:04,884 --> 00:11:07,051
I used to drive people crazy.

252
00:11:07,051 --> 00:11:10,087
My band in high school, I used
to tell jokes between songs,

253
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:11,660
which not only made
the crowd nuts,

254
00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:12,793
it made the guys in
the band nuts.

255
00:11:12,793 --> 00:11:15,191
Like, shut the fuck up.

256
00:11:15,191 --> 00:11:17,930
I'm in college and
we're playing,

257
00:11:17,930 --> 00:11:20,900
but I got an audience,
we're playing rock,

258
00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:22,099
we're playing Rolling Stones.

259
00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,540
And then I'm telling
a dick joke.

260
00:11:23,540 --> 00:11:25,938
It's like, what are you doing?

261
00:11:25,938 --> 00:11:29,777
And then I escaped from
Michigan State

262
00:11:29,777 --> 00:11:30,644
and went out to Colorado

263
00:11:30,644 --> 00:11:31,944
and worked
construction for a while.

264
00:11:31,944 --> 00:11:33,616
And I realized I can't do this.

265
00:11:33,616 --> 00:11:35,717
So after we graduated
from college,

266
00:11:36,386 --> 00:11:38,049
we didn't know what to do
with our lives.

267
00:11:38,049 --> 00:11:40,150
Jackie was working
construction out in Denver.

268
00:11:40,150 --> 00:11:42,152
I was, you know, doing nothing.

269
00:11:42,152 --> 00:11:43,053
Basically.

270
00:11:43,053 --> 00:11:45,155
I took a trip to Denver
where Jackie was

271
00:11:45,155 --> 00:11:47,828
and he says, "Why don't we
get the band back together?"

272
00:11:47,828 --> 00:11:50,303
We can earn lots of money
and play rock and roll

273
00:11:50,303 --> 00:11:52,998
and get laid and it's
gonna be great.

274
00:11:52,998 --> 00:11:55,308
And that was when we formed
the Off Hour Rockers.

275
00:11:55,308 --> 00:11:59,543
♪ Another glass of fool's gold.
♪

276
00:12:02,878 --> 00:12:03,778
There was a lot of comedy

277
00:12:03,778 --> 00:12:05,747
in the Off Hour Rockers act.

278
00:12:05,747 --> 00:12:08,321
Bates would pour his heart
out singing to the girls

279
00:12:08,321 --> 00:12:11,016
and then Jackie would
charge things up

280
00:12:11,016 --> 00:12:12,655
and tell a bunch of jokes.

281
00:12:12,655 --> 00:12:15,251
And all in all, it
was really fun.

282
00:12:15,251 --> 00:12:17,330
When they ended the band,

283
00:12:17,330 --> 00:12:19,662
he had the bright idea to
go out and try to do comedy

284
00:12:19,662 --> 00:12:21,125
on his own.

285
00:12:21,125 --> 00:12:24,601
Because essentially that's what
he'd been doing at the gigs.

286
00:12:24,601 --> 00:12:26,867
I was a very bad musician.

287
00:12:26,867 --> 00:12:29,199
And when I realized I was
never gonna make a nickel,

288
00:12:29,199 --> 00:12:32,301
I quit music and to steal a
line from Rodney Dangerfield,

289
00:12:32,301 --> 00:12:35,876
when I quit music, I was the
only one who knew I quit.

290
00:12:40,113 --> 00:12:41,750
So this is "The Sea Shanty"
I wrote.

291
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:46,689
It's called

292
00:12:46,689 --> 00:12:47,857
"The Shrimps are Coming
in on the Shrimp Boats,

293
00:12:47,857 --> 00:12:50,792
but the Crabs are Coming in
on the Captain's Dinghy."

294
00:12:53,324 --> 00:12:55,566
When we had a band in
the seventies,

295
00:12:56,435 --> 00:12:58,965
We used to tell jokes
and play original songs.

296
00:12:58,965 --> 00:13:01,132
And I mean jokes, and
jokes and jokes.

297
00:13:01,132 --> 00:13:02,903
We played to the same
crowd every week.

298
00:13:02,903 --> 00:13:03,937
I used to go to the bar

299
00:13:03,937 --> 00:13:07,138
and on break and somebody
would come up and say,

300
00:13:07,138 --> 00:13:07,939
"All right, I got one for you."

301
00:13:07,939 --> 00:13:10,009
And I used to, I'd
literally say,

302
00:13:10,009 --> 00:13:12,649
"All right, I'll count down
from 10 and when I get to zero,

303
00:13:12,649 --> 00:13:15,652
if I don't know the joke,
I'll buy you a drink."

304
00:13:15,652 --> 00:13:17,346
That's 1975.

305
00:13:17,346 --> 00:13:19,018
And I never bought
anybody a drink

306
00:13:19,018 --> 00:13:22,285
because I have a
mathematical mind.

307
00:13:22,285 --> 00:13:24,320
So if a guy says a
priest and a nun,

308
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,256
they're going down a
river in a canoe.

309
00:13:26,256 --> 00:13:27,356
Two seconds into it,

310
00:13:27,356 --> 00:13:29,127
"Oh, this is the cowboy
and the Indian

311
00:13:29,127 --> 00:13:29,694
going across the desert."

312
00:13:29,694 --> 00:13:30,728
You know what I mean?

313
00:13:30,728 --> 00:13:34,264
I could just see the
matchups and the parallels

314
00:13:34,264 --> 00:13:36,200
and as silly as that sounds,

315
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,940
I mean I knew all
the jokes then.

316
00:13:39,940 --> 00:13:42,008
What's a Jewish dilemma?

317
00:13:42,008 --> 00:13:42,909
Pork on sale.

318
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:44,142
What did one condom
say to the other

319
00:13:44,142 --> 00:13:45,275
as they passed the gay bar?

320
00:13:45,275 --> 00:13:46,716
Let's go in and
get shit-faced.

321
00:13:46,716 --> 00:13:48,278
What's the difference
between a refrigerator

322
00:13:48,278 --> 00:13:49,917
and a homosexual?

323
00:13:49,917 --> 00:13:52,018
Refrigerator doesn't fart
when you take your meat out.

324
00:13:52,018 --> 00:13:52,919
How do you think of-

325
00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:55,153
You can applaud at
any fucking time!

326
00:13:58,422 --> 00:14:00,994
Jackie will say that
he's remembered every joke

327
00:14:00,994 --> 00:14:03,194
he's ever heard since
he was eight years old

328
00:14:03,194 --> 00:14:04,128
and I believe him.

329
00:14:04,128 --> 00:14:06,835
I mean, when we were
doing the joke hunt,

330
00:14:06,835 --> 00:14:09,200
I would randomly just
give him a topic

331
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,740
and he would rattle off jokes.

332
00:14:10,740 --> 00:14:11,906
And not just any jokes.

333
00:14:11,906 --> 00:14:13,237
They were funny jokes.

334
00:14:13,237 --> 00:14:14,370
I mean, he's a savant.

335
00:14:15,846 --> 00:14:17,307
What's your name here?

336
00:14:17,307 --> 00:14:18,176
Diane.

337
00:14:18,176 --> 00:14:19,243
What do you do, Diane?

338
00:14:19,243 --> 00:14:20,145
Secretary?

339
00:14:26,923 --> 00:14:30,023
Confucius say,
secretary not permanent

340
00:14:30,023 --> 00:14:31,255
until screwed on desk.

341
00:14:33,996 --> 00:14:36,293
We made the venues, we
would go to bars and say,

342
00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:39,835
"Hey, when this band is done
playing their rock and roll,

343
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:41,265
can we go up on that stage?"

344
00:14:41,265 --> 00:14:42,772
And they would go, "What?"

345
00:14:42,772 --> 00:14:44,675
I said, "We're comedians."

346
00:14:46,206 --> 00:14:47,106
"If you want to, dude."

347
00:14:47,106 --> 00:14:48,404
If you were a comedian,

348
00:14:48,404 --> 00:14:51,781
you were basically
interrupting somebody's dinner.

349
00:14:51,781 --> 00:14:53,783
People are sitting there
eating and all of a sudden,

350
00:14:53,783 --> 00:14:55,246
"Oh no."

351
00:14:55,246 --> 00:14:57,985
"Hey, how's everybody doing?"

352
00:14:57,985 --> 00:15:01,087
You know, it's, "Oh, shut up."

353
00:15:01,087 --> 00:15:01,754
You know?

354
00:15:01,754 --> 00:15:02,855
I mean, that's what it was.

355
00:15:02,855 --> 00:15:06,224
Someone shoves you out there
and there's a spotlight.

356
00:15:06,224 --> 00:15:08,732
The forks hit the plate
and everybody's gonna stop

357
00:15:08,732 --> 00:15:11,229
and see what this asshole
has to say for himself.

358
00:15:11,229 --> 00:15:12,934
They would throw bottles
at us, they would yell.

359
00:15:12,934 --> 00:15:14,168
And we started doing that.

360
00:15:14,168 --> 00:15:18,005
And then we started going to
clubs where he had folk guitar

361
00:15:18,005 --> 00:15:20,942
players and say, what is
your worst night?

362
00:15:20,942 --> 00:15:23,076
They said, "Well, it's Sunday."

363
00:15:24,178 --> 00:15:24,844
"Give us that night."

364
00:15:24,844 --> 00:15:26,882
"You won't make any money here."

365
00:15:26,882 --> 00:15:29,379
And Jackie said, "Hey,
we'll just take the door."

366
00:15:31,284 --> 00:15:35,154
So the guy said, "Okay,
but we get like 12 people."

367
00:15:35,154 --> 00:15:39,323
And within three weeks there's
180 people at the door.

368
00:15:39,323 --> 00:15:40,533
My next couple of jokes
are brought to you by

369
00:15:40,533 --> 00:15:43,129
the new kosher Ex-Lax,
let my people go.

370
00:15:46,101 --> 00:15:48,068
I was going to
Dangerfield's trying to get on

371
00:15:48,068 --> 00:15:49,806
and I couldn't get on.

372
00:15:49,806 --> 00:15:51,040
Meanwhile, I'm
drinking at the bar.

373
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,205
As long as I was drinking at
the bar, they kept telling me,

374
00:15:53,205 --> 00:15:54,437
you're going on later.

375
00:15:54,437 --> 00:15:56,549
I might have seen that
a glimpse of Dangerfield

376
00:15:56,549 --> 00:15:58,012
once or twice go by.

377
00:15:58,012 --> 00:16:00,179
When I first started
doing comedy,

378
00:16:00,179 --> 00:16:02,445
I lived in my grandmother's
house after she passed away.

379
00:16:02,445 --> 00:16:04,920
And my friend Richie
Minervini, who to this day,

380
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,451
is a dear friend, would come
and stay with us sometimes.

381
00:16:08,451 --> 00:16:09,826
And one day he walked
in and said,

382
00:16:09,826 --> 00:16:11,828
"Hey, what a night I
had last night.

383
00:16:11,828 --> 00:16:13,060
I was at Dangerfield's.

384
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:15,029
And I went on and I
did so great.

385
00:16:15,029 --> 00:16:16,492
And Rodney came up and
put his arm around me

386
00:16:16,492 --> 00:16:17,933
and said, 'Kid, I love you
and I'm gonna use you on TV,'"

387
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:19,134
blah, blah.

388
00:16:19,134 --> 00:16:21,398
And this is long before Rodney
had any kind of TV going.

389
00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,267
It's like 1978.

390
00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:23,774
And I'm like, wow.

391
00:16:24,568 --> 00:16:26,040
And I was so jealous.

392
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:30,374
So I just sat down and
every joke I could think of

393
00:16:30,374 --> 00:16:32,585
that I told or knew
or ever heard,

394
00:16:32,585 --> 00:16:36,952
I typed into a Rodney
Dangerfield delivery.

395
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:38,591
Next time Richie walked in,
I said,

396
00:16:38,591 --> 00:16:40,384
"You gotta give this
to your friend Rodney."

397
00:16:40,384 --> 00:16:42,089
And he said, this is
true story, swear to you.

398
00:16:42,089 --> 00:16:43,453
He says, "Oh man."

399
00:16:43,453 --> 00:16:45,158
I actually never met the guy.

400
00:16:46,865 --> 00:16:47,556
He goes, "What?"

401
00:16:47,556 --> 00:16:49,965
I'm like, "You motherfucker!"

402
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:50,999
And he goes, "Yeah, but
I was there."

403
00:16:50,999 --> 00:16:51,933
And I swear to God,

404
00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:53,936
he pulled a matchbook
out of his pocket

405
00:16:53,936 --> 00:16:56,565
with Rodney and said,
Dangerfield's,

406
00:16:56,565 --> 00:16:59,612
like 1001 First Ave.,
whatever it is.

407
00:16:59,612 --> 00:17:01,141
And I already had envelopes,

408
00:17:01,141 --> 00:17:05,211
so I just hand wrote the
address and mailed it.

409
00:17:05,211 --> 00:17:09,281
9,999 other people
who are funny,

410
00:17:09,281 --> 00:17:13,549
or even people who write
jokes who wish

411
00:17:13,549 --> 00:17:16,024
that maybe Rodney Dangerfield
might be interested

412
00:17:16,024 --> 00:17:17,158
in their jokes.

413
00:17:17,158 --> 00:17:20,193
But Jackie Martling is the
person who actually thinks

414
00:17:20,193 --> 00:17:21,590
it's a possibility,

415
00:17:21,590 --> 00:17:22,791
or at least he's gonna
write that letter

416
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:26,100
and he's gonna walk down to
the post office and mail it.

417
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:27,167
He's tenacious.

418
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:28,168
He doesn't stop.

419
00:17:28,168 --> 00:17:29,269
He's a bulldog.

420
00:17:29,269 --> 00:17:32,909
Yeah, he's gonna get that
bone one way or another.

421
00:17:32,909 --> 00:17:34,372
You know he's gonna go
get that bone.

422
00:17:34,372 --> 00:17:36,242
Two days later I'm
sitting at lunch,

423
00:17:36,242 --> 00:17:37,243
my grandmother's dead.

424
00:17:37,243 --> 00:17:39,047
Everybody she knows is dead.

425
00:17:39,047 --> 00:17:42,182
Nobody's got this phone
number and the phone rings.

426
00:17:42,182 --> 00:17:45,482
I'm like, my girlfriend
and I having lunch,

427
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:47,891
say "Hello, who's this?"

428
00:17:47,891 --> 00:17:49,321
"It's Rodney."

429
00:17:49,321 --> 00:17:50,155
I said, "Rodney, who?"

430
00:17:50,155 --> 00:17:52,324
"Oh, I knew you were
fucking funny.

431
00:17:52,324 --> 00:17:54,062
I knew you were funny."

432
00:17:54,062 --> 00:17:55,932
And Lois goes, "Who is it?"

433
00:17:55,932 --> 00:17:56,966
"It's Rodney Dangerfield."

434
00:17:56,966 --> 00:17:57,527
"Who is it?

435
00:17:57,527 --> 00:17:58,094
Richie?"

436
00:17:58,094 --> 00:17:59,095
"It's fucking Rodney."

437
00:17:59,095 --> 00:18:00,029
"Hey, you know, there's
some funny shit here.

438
00:18:00,029 --> 00:18:01,399
There's some really
fucking funny stuff.

439
00:18:01,399 --> 00:18:02,598
I love this stuff.

440
00:18:02,598 --> 00:18:04,468
Come to Westbury, you know,
we'll hang out

441
00:18:04,468 --> 00:18:06,503
and I'll buy a couple
of these jokes."

442
00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:08,175
It was like I died and
went to heaven.

443
00:18:08,175 --> 00:18:11,607
And we went to Westbury and
went in the dressing room

444
00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:13,609
and I got blue jeans
with holes in them

445
00:18:13,609 --> 00:18:15,644
and a ponytail down my back.

446
00:18:15,644 --> 00:18:17,954
And my girlfriend's 10 years
younger and she's beautiful.

447
00:18:17,954 --> 00:18:18,488
And we walk,

448
00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:19,692
"Oh, what the fuck?

449
00:18:19,692 --> 00:18:21,221
What the fuck with hair
with the blue jeans.

450
00:18:21,221 --> 00:18:21,855
She's brilliant.

451
00:18:21,855 --> 00:18:22,522
You want a piece of fruit?

452
00:18:22,522 --> 00:18:23,590
No, she's really beautiful.

453
00:18:23,590 --> 00:18:26,963
Hey, some funny Two Bagger,
fucking funniest jokes

454
00:18:26,963 --> 00:18:27,664
I've heard.

455
00:18:27,664 --> 00:18:28,525
She's really pretty, you know?

456
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:29,460
Hey, you want some fruit?"

457
00:18:29,460 --> 00:18:30,362
Yeah, yeah.

458
00:18:33,741 --> 00:18:35,972
This is the first stuff I
sent to Rodney.

459
00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:37,908
Here it is.

460
00:18:38,810 --> 00:18:39,943
This is my claim to
fame with Rodney.

461
00:18:39,943 --> 00:18:43,111
This is what sealed me with him.

462
00:18:43,111 --> 00:18:45,509
The Tennessee Two Bagger joke.

463
00:18:45,509 --> 00:18:46,210
[Rodney Dangerfield] No,
I'll tell you,

464
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:47,984
this girl was old, fat and ugly.

465
00:18:47,984 --> 00:18:48,644
Yeah, ugly joke.

466
00:18:48,644 --> 00:18:49,078
How ugly?

467
00:18:49,078 --> 00:18:50,079
I'll tell you.

468
00:18:50,079 --> 00:18:52,054
She was so ugly, she was
known as a Two Bagger.

469
00:18:52,054 --> 00:18:53,055
That's a girl who's so ugly

470
00:18:53,055 --> 00:18:54,727
you go out with her, you
put a bag over your head

471
00:18:54,727 --> 00:18:56,619
in case the bag over
her head breaks.

472
00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:02,526
So he sent me a check for
200 bucks for four jokes.

473
00:19:02,526 --> 00:19:05,100
And I badgered him
for two years.

474
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:06,002
Take me away with you,

475
00:19:06,002 --> 00:19:06,569
take me away with you,

476
00:19:06,569 --> 00:19:07,403
take me away with you.

477
00:19:07,403 --> 00:19:09,071
When the phone rings
and it's Rodney,

478
00:19:09,071 --> 00:19:09,665
"Hey, how you doing?

479
00:19:09,665 --> 00:19:10,466
You wanna go to Vegas?

480
00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:11,367
Come on, we'll go to
Vegas on me.

481
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:14,010
You know, you're a pain
my fucking ass."

482
00:19:15,574 --> 00:19:17,277
And we flew to Las Vegas,

483
00:19:17,277 --> 00:19:20,511
was Easter of 1980 and
it was a gasoline strike.

484
00:19:21,415 --> 00:19:23,349
The place was a morgue.

485
00:19:23,349 --> 00:19:25,318
So we're stoned and drunk
and out of our minds.

486
00:19:25,318 --> 00:19:26,550
He says, "Let's get the
fuck outta here."

487
00:19:26,550 --> 00:19:30,587
So we're walking back
to the Aladdin drunk,

488
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:32,490
stoned, coked up, all fucked up.

489
00:19:32,490 --> 00:19:35,658
And like the sun's coming
up and I'm in euphoric

490
00:19:35,658 --> 00:19:37,066
heaven, I, you know, pinch me,

491
00:19:37,066 --> 00:19:40,003
pinch me for two weeks
now pinch me.

492
00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:43,270
Walk along and he goes,
"You gotta take a leak?"

493
00:19:43,270 --> 00:19:45,206
I, "Well you know how
much beer I drink.

494
00:19:45,206 --> 00:19:45,740
I can always pee."

495
00:19:45,740 --> 00:19:46,574
He says, "Come on."

496
00:19:46,574 --> 00:19:47,542
And instead of going
into the Aladdin

497
00:19:47,542 --> 00:19:50,640
and into the hotel and go
in the bathroom,

498
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,478
we walk behind the hotel
where the dumpsters are

499
00:19:53,478 --> 00:19:56,448
and the dumpsters are
the size of a McDonald's.

500
00:19:56,448 --> 00:20:00,023
And he walks up to a
dumpster and starts peeing.

501
00:20:00,023 --> 00:20:02,487
So I go up to this dumpster
and I start peeing.

502
00:20:02,487 --> 00:20:04,456
And while we're standing there
pissing on the dumpsters,

503
00:20:04,456 --> 00:20:07,261
he turned to me and said,
"Welcome to the big time."

504
00:20:10,299 --> 00:20:11,331
I said,

505
00:20:11,331 --> 00:20:13,663
"Do you have any idea
how many times

506
00:20:13,663 --> 00:20:15,236
I'm gonna tell that story?"

507
00:20:15,236 --> 00:20:16,072
He said, "Have a party.

508
00:20:16,072 --> 00:20:16,732
What do I care?

509
00:20:16,732 --> 00:20:17,634
Have a party."

510
00:20:19,770 --> 00:20:21,737
I think he works hard
to be in the right place

511
00:20:21,737 --> 00:20:23,277
at the right time.

512
00:20:23,277 --> 00:20:25,147
The guy does what it takes.

513
00:20:25,147 --> 00:20:28,051
Every day he did "Use
Your Finger" joke line.

514
00:20:28,051 --> 00:20:29,822
He didn't have to do that.

515
00:20:29,822 --> 00:20:30,689
But he was smart.

516
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,583
And he was smart about
the publicity

517
00:20:32,583 --> 00:20:34,288
and he was willing to
do the work.

518
00:20:34,288 --> 00:20:37,390
Guy say "Doc, doc, I ate
apples, apples come out.

519
00:20:37,390 --> 00:20:39,359
I eat bananas, bananas come out.

520
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:42,395
Doc says, "Easy, eat shit."

521
00:20:44,102 --> 00:20:46,135
When I first started
working with Jackie,

522
00:20:46,135 --> 00:20:48,467
our office was in the
attic of his mom's house.

523
00:20:49,203 --> 00:20:51,536
That's where the dial
a joke machines were.

524
00:20:52,305 --> 00:20:54,341
When I started working
with him there were four.

525
00:20:54,341 --> 00:20:56,475
We ended up with 12 machines.

526
00:20:57,775 --> 00:21:00,611
My favorite thing
about 516-922-WINE

527
00:21:00,611 --> 00:21:01,678
is that it's still still going.

528
00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:02,481
If you dial it right now.

529
00:21:02,481 --> 00:21:03,615
Hello, this is Jackie.

530
00:21:03,615 --> 00:21:05,385
You know how much I love
it when you use your finger

531
00:21:05,385 --> 00:21:08,289
and dial 516-922-WINE.

532
00:21:08,289 --> 00:21:09,752
Couple is in the living room.

533
00:21:09,752 --> 00:21:10,619
He says, "You're dry tonight."

534
00:21:10,619 --> 00:21:13,690
She says, "You're
licking the rug."

535
00:21:16,629 --> 00:21:18,332
When we started comedy
on Long Island,

536
00:21:18,332 --> 00:21:20,367
we needed a way to advertise
and we had no money.

537
00:21:20,367 --> 00:21:21,368
I got the bright idea.

538
00:21:21,368 --> 00:21:23,436
Let me get a telephone
line, put jokes on it,

539
00:21:23,436 --> 00:21:25,306
and I'll tell a joke and
then say that we're gonna be

540
00:21:25,306 --> 00:21:28,243
at the Cinnamon in Huntington
and tell another joke.

541
00:21:28,243 --> 00:21:31,576
Immediately, it was always busy.

542
00:21:31,576 --> 00:21:35,283
10 lines, 10 Phonemate machines

543
00:21:35,283 --> 00:21:36,779
with one minute dubs in each.

544
00:21:37,881 --> 00:21:40,123
And the last machine had
a counter on it.

545
00:21:40,123 --> 00:21:42,521
It was actually Nancy's machine.

546
00:21:42,521 --> 00:21:45,293
And the counter went
to 99 and that machine

547
00:21:45,293 --> 00:21:50,199
only went off if all
nine were engaged.

548
00:21:50,199 --> 00:21:55,204
And the tenth one went to 99,
three or four times a day.

549
00:21:56,339 --> 00:21:58,240
It was like five or
10,000 calls a day

550
00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,670
from all over the world.

551
00:21:59,670 --> 00:22:02,871
At some point, Rick Dees,
who was a famous disc jockey

552
00:22:02,871 --> 00:22:05,148
from Los Angeles, without
me knowing it,

553
00:22:05,148 --> 00:22:08,712
he was calling my joke line
on his weekly top 40 show,

554
00:22:08,712 --> 00:22:10,516
which was a, they put
it on a disc

555
00:22:10,516 --> 00:22:13,288
and they sent it out to
all the different stations.

556
00:22:13,288 --> 00:22:14,454
And one day my sister said,

557
00:22:14,454 --> 00:22:17,589
"Hey, we heard 922-WINE
on the radio."

558
00:22:17,589 --> 00:22:20,328
And I'm like, "How
cool is that?"

559
00:22:20,328 --> 00:22:21,296
But as time went on,

560
00:22:21,296 --> 00:22:23,936
I was making dial joke
dirtier and dirtier.

561
00:22:23,936 --> 00:22:26,202
And one day Rick Dees
called me up,

562
00:22:26,202 --> 00:22:27,335
"They've gotten too dirty.

563
00:22:27,335 --> 00:22:29,700
I can't, there's
none I can use."

564
00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:30,401
He said it's so funny

565
00:22:30,401 --> 00:22:33,440
because I give him 516-922-9463.

566
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:37,246
And I tell them, it's Tom
Selleck's home phone number.

567
00:22:37,246 --> 00:22:40,249
And so that's, so the line
was going nuts.

568
00:22:40,249 --> 00:22:43,516
And he said, "Would you do
jokes for me that I could use?"

569
00:22:43,516 --> 00:22:43,916
And I said, "All right."

570
00:22:43,916 --> 00:22:45,017
And he said,

571
00:22:45,017 --> 00:22:46,882
"Well, I'll just say you're
a dentist from Encino

572
00:22:46,882 --> 00:22:49,423
that's a nut and likes
to record dirty jokes."

573
00:22:49,423 --> 00:22:52,690
And I said, "How does
that help me?"

574
00:22:52,690 --> 00:22:54,263
And he says, "Gimme,
let me think."

575
00:22:54,263 --> 00:22:55,396
And he calls back the next day.

576
00:22:55,396 --> 00:22:56,969
He says, "How about how this?

577
00:22:56,969 --> 00:22:59,499
You're Jackie 'the Joke Man'
Martling,

578
00:22:59,499 --> 00:23:02,271
the crazy guy from New York
that knows all the jokes.

579
00:23:03,373 --> 00:23:05,208
I said, "Sold."

580
00:23:05,208 --> 00:23:07,210
I never hear a new joke.

581
00:23:07,210 --> 00:23:08,310
Never hear a new joke.

582
00:23:08,310 --> 00:23:09,839
I heard a new joke.

583
00:23:09,839 --> 00:23:11,313
A Dirty Johnny joke.

584
00:23:11,313 --> 00:23:13,315
This is for you, first
time ever to an audience.

585
00:23:13,315 --> 00:23:15,284
If it sucks, it's your fault.

586
00:23:17,948 --> 00:23:19,387
Teacher says the
third grade class,

587
00:23:19,387 --> 00:23:21,719
"Okay, what do you wanna
do when you grow up?"

588
00:23:21,719 --> 00:23:22,819
and Dirty Johnny says,

589
00:23:22,819 --> 00:23:26,493
"When I grow up, I wanna
get really rich

590
00:23:26,493 --> 00:23:29,001
and have a lot of stuff.

591
00:23:29,001 --> 00:23:31,333
I wanna have a big boat
and a big house

592
00:23:31,333 --> 00:23:34,864
and I want my own plane and
I want a whore on the plane.

593
00:23:34,864 --> 00:23:37,702
I wanna go around the
world having a lot of fun."

594
00:23:37,702 --> 00:23:38,571
She's like, "Whoa, Johnny.

595
00:23:38,571 --> 00:23:39,803
Okay Johnny.

596
00:23:39,803 --> 00:23:40,705
Thank you.

597
00:23:41,374 --> 00:23:43,378
Mary, what do you wanna
do when you grow up?"

598
00:23:43,378 --> 00:23:45,347
She says, "I wanna be
Johnny's whore."

599
00:23:52,620 --> 00:23:54,686
I think Jackie's very
down to earth

600
00:23:54,686 --> 00:23:56,490
and he is very personable.

601
00:23:56,490 --> 00:23:59,361
I think he's smarter than
most people realize that,

602
00:23:59,361 --> 00:24:00,989
he's very smart.

603
00:24:00,989 --> 00:24:03,860
He's a very well-read,
intelligent guy.

604
00:24:03,860 --> 00:24:06,665
Unfortunately, he was
always treated like

605
00:24:06,665 --> 00:24:09,404
kind of the drunken buffoon.

606
00:24:09,404 --> 00:24:10,867
You know, I don't
think I ever had

607
00:24:10,867 --> 00:24:12,737
an intelligent
conversation with Jackie.

608
00:24:12,737 --> 00:24:16,510
Jackie is like the Forest
Gump of the comedy world

609
00:24:16,510 --> 00:24:18,974
in that he always seems
to find himself

610
00:24:18,974 --> 00:24:21,449
at the right place at
the right time

611
00:24:21,449 --> 00:24:23,022
with the most
interesting people.

612
00:24:27,094 --> 00:24:28,885
How eclectic is
Jackie Martling?

613
00:24:28,885 --> 00:24:30,524
He would hang out with Les Paul,

614
00:24:30,524 --> 00:24:31,591
the most famous
guitarist in the world.

615
00:24:31,591 --> 00:24:32,790
He loved Jackie.

616
00:24:32,790 --> 00:24:34,627
Willie Nelson.

617
00:24:34,627 --> 00:24:36,332
Well first of all, he's
got a great sis of humor.

618
00:24:36,332 --> 00:24:38,730
And you gotta be able to
enjoy your own jokes if you're

619
00:24:38,730 --> 00:24:39,564
gonna tell 'em.

620
00:24:39,564 --> 00:24:42,338
You know, we both
enjoy our jokes.

621
00:24:42,338 --> 00:24:43,504
That's why we tell 'em.

622
00:24:43,504 --> 00:24:45,374
One of the great secrets
of the internet

623
00:24:45,374 --> 00:24:49,312
is that Jackie "The Joke Man"
Martling dominated comedy

624
00:24:49,312 --> 00:24:51,908
and was the leading
comedian on AudioNet,

625
00:24:51,908 --> 00:24:55,010
the first and biggest early days

626
00:24:55,010 --> 00:24:57,320
streaming media destination.

627
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:58,618
This is when I was a star.

628
00:24:58,618 --> 00:25:01,588
And I used to be on
the cover of magazines.

629
00:25:01,588 --> 00:25:04,624
And this is when I was made
the Lieutenant Governor's

630
00:25:04,624 --> 00:25:07,660
deputy assistant in
the state of Louisiana.

631
00:25:07,660 --> 00:25:10,564
Until the woman heard me
tell dirty jokes.

632
00:25:10,564 --> 00:25:12,599
I think it's hard to
take his act apart

633
00:25:12,599 --> 00:25:14,436
from his life in a lot of ways.

634
00:25:14,436 --> 00:25:16,405
You know, unless he's whining.

635
00:25:16,405 --> 00:25:17,637
Maybe I'm just a
happy old man.

636
00:25:17,637 --> 00:25:18,571
I don't know.

637
00:25:18,571 --> 00:25:22,114
I mean, I'm still
miserable half the time.

638
00:25:22,114 --> 00:25:23,874
But I always was when I
was rich, when I was poor,

639
00:25:23,874 --> 00:25:27,009
when I was famous, when I was
nobody, when I was in college.

640
00:25:27,878 --> 00:25:30,045
Miserable half the time
and happy half the time.

641
00:25:30,045 --> 00:25:32,047
So you just try to learn
to live with it.

642
00:25:32,951 --> 00:25:33,884
It's very easy to live with,

643
00:25:33,884 --> 00:25:36,689
except for the times
when you're miserable.

644
00:25:38,022 --> 00:25:39,857
Guy says to her, "Girl,
gimme a blowjob."

645
00:25:39,857 --> 00:25:41,364
She says, "Be more romantic."

646
00:25:41,364 --> 00:25:43,432
He says, "Gimme a
blowjob in the rain."

647
00:25:47,900 --> 00:25:52,441
The first thing I tell people
is it's gotta be concise.

648
00:25:52,441 --> 00:25:54,674
And I used to go wild at Playboy

649
00:25:54,674 --> 00:25:58,810
because those goddamn
Playboy's party jokes

650
00:25:58,810 --> 00:26:02,583
would be "The voluptuous
young blonde sauntered

651
00:26:02,583 --> 00:26:06,488
into the restaurant and
found her place at the bar

652
00:26:06,488 --> 00:26:08,688
whereupon she eyed the
guy next to him.

653
00:26:08,688 --> 00:26:09,920
And I'm like, no.

654
00:26:10,689 --> 00:26:13,429
A girl walks in a bar and
says to a guy,

655
00:26:13,429 --> 00:26:15,761
because that's all you need.

656
00:26:15,761 --> 00:26:18,126
You don't need the dressing.

657
00:26:18,126 --> 00:26:20,832
You know, a pretty girl,
that tells the story.

658
00:26:20,832 --> 00:26:21,866
A fat girl.

659
00:26:22,602 --> 00:26:26,805
His research on jokes,
that is his art.

660
00:26:27,641 --> 00:26:32,844
Jackie, almost alone the
past four decades has said,

661
00:26:34,683 --> 00:26:38,014
these aren't my jokes,
these are our jokes.

662
00:26:38,014 --> 00:26:40,918
And the idea of going on
stage and saying,

663
00:26:40,918 --> 00:26:43,019
"These are our jokes,"

664
00:26:43,019 --> 00:26:46,924
is the equivalent of
singing "Oh, Susanna",

665
00:26:46,924 --> 00:26:50,565
it's the equivalent of
singing campfire songs.

666
00:26:50,565 --> 00:26:53,205
As someone who loved Lenny Bruce

667
00:26:53,205 --> 00:26:56,208
and who loves all that
first person individuality,

668
00:26:56,208 --> 00:27:01,444
I think Jackie is more
sophisticated in a certain way.

669
00:27:01,913 --> 00:27:03,842
Lady walks in her
daughter's bedroom,

670
00:27:03,842 --> 00:27:05,217
daughter's using a vibrator.

671
00:27:05,217 --> 00:27:06,051
She says, "Honey, what
are you doing?"

672
00:27:06,051 --> 00:27:07,516
She said, "Mom, I'm
40 years old,

673
00:27:07,516 --> 00:27:08,176
I don't even have a boyfriend.

674
00:27:08,176 --> 00:27:09,078
I'll never get married.

675
00:27:09,078 --> 00:27:10,816
That's my husband."

676
00:27:10,816 --> 00:27:11,850
Minutes later, her
father walks in,

677
00:27:11,850 --> 00:27:12,752
she's using a vibrator.

678
00:27:12,752 --> 00:27:13,619
"Honey, what are you doing?"

679
00:27:13,619 --> 00:27:15,150
She says, "Daddy, I'm
40 years old.

680
00:27:15,150 --> 00:27:16,789
Don't even have a boyfriend,
I'll never get married.

681
00:27:16,789 --> 00:27:18,153
That's my husband."

682
00:27:18,153 --> 00:27:19,792
Next day the wife and her
daughter go out shopping,

683
00:27:19,792 --> 00:27:21,497
they come back a few hours
later, they walk in the kitchen,

684
00:27:21,497 --> 00:27:22,198
the old man's standing there,

685
00:27:22,198 --> 00:27:23,299
he's got a martini in one hand

686
00:27:23,299 --> 00:27:27,701
and he's got the vibrator
buzzing away in his ass.

687
00:27:27,701 --> 00:27:29,098
His wife says, "What
are you doing?"

688
00:27:29,098 --> 00:27:31,903
He says, "I'm having a drink
with my new son-in-law."

689
00:27:36,811 --> 00:27:37,977
Jackie Martling.

690
00:27:37,977 --> 00:27:41,110
And this is on a show with
Bob Nelson and Dave Hawthorne,

691
00:27:41,110 --> 00:27:43,882
worked with Billy Crystal
and Eddie Murphy

692
00:27:43,882 --> 00:27:46,753
and Jerry Seinfeld
and Paul Riser

693
00:27:46,753 --> 00:27:49,217
and Jackie Martling had
to go on last

694
00:27:49,217 --> 00:27:50,856
because he was the funniest.

695
00:27:50,856 --> 00:27:51,857
When Jackie does jokes,

696
00:27:51,857 --> 00:27:54,761
he takes a joke that's
might have been older

697
00:27:54,761 --> 00:27:57,731
and Jackie gets rid
of all the fat,

698
00:27:57,731 --> 00:27:59,931
like a surgeon.

699
00:27:59,931 --> 00:28:01,032
(snipping noises)

700
00:28:01,032 --> 00:28:05,068
Set up, paints a picture,
pow, set up, paint, pow.

701
00:28:05,068 --> 00:28:06,707
And that's not the way
the jokes were written

702
00:28:06,707 --> 00:28:08,544
and originally discovered.

703
00:28:08,544 --> 00:28:12,779
The real funny guys who I
know, like the Norm Macdonald's,

704
00:28:12,779 --> 00:28:16,145
the Dave Attell's, they
respect Jackie like crazy

705
00:28:16,145 --> 00:28:19,049
because they respect
great joke telling.

706
00:28:19,049 --> 00:28:19,951
That's an art.

707
00:28:21,086 --> 00:28:22,855
Pilot comes on the
intercom says,

708
00:28:22,855 --> 00:28:24,890
"Thank you for flying
West Eastern.

709
00:28:26,157 --> 00:28:27,860
Touchdown in Los Angeles
in approximately

710
00:28:27,860 --> 00:28:31,666
five and a half hours and we
appreciate your business."

711
00:28:31,666 --> 00:28:33,635
He forgets to turn off the
intercom, turns to the co-pilot,

712
00:28:33,635 --> 00:28:34,933
he says, "You know what?

713
00:28:34,933 --> 00:28:37,166
Think I'm gonna take a
shit and then get a blowjob

714
00:28:37,166 --> 00:28:39,267
from that hot new
blonde stewardess."

715
00:28:39,267 --> 00:28:40,543
She's in the back of the plane,

716
00:28:40,543 --> 00:28:42,039
realizes the
intercom's still on.

717
00:28:42,039 --> 00:28:44,140
So she goes running up
the aisle to tell him.

718
00:28:44,140 --> 00:28:44,707
A little old lady says,

719
00:28:44,707 --> 00:28:45,608
"Take your time honey,

720
00:28:45,608 --> 00:28:49,079
he said he was gonna take
a shit first."

721
00:28:56,660 --> 00:28:57,989
I would always close the shows
at Cinnamon

722
00:28:57,989 --> 00:28:59,221
Richie was MC,

723
00:28:59,221 --> 00:29:01,630
he'd bring on the other
acts like the local guys

724
00:29:01,630 --> 00:29:03,093
or if we had guys.

725
00:29:03,093 --> 00:29:05,128
I went home and I said
to my girlfriend, I said,

726
00:29:05,128 --> 00:29:07,339
"Lois, they laugh at every joke.

727
00:29:07,339 --> 00:29:09,297
I should make an album."

728
00:29:09,297 --> 00:29:11,200
She said, "So make an album."

729
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:14,709
Jackie was one of the
earliest comics to have albums.

730
00:29:14,709 --> 00:29:16,678
And I think part of
that was because he knew

731
00:29:16,678 --> 00:29:17,846
the craft of recording.

732
00:29:17,846 --> 00:29:20,979
He studied it and he had
friends that had a lot of gear.

733
00:29:20,979 --> 00:29:22,849
But also, and maybe
the bigger part

734
00:29:22,849 --> 00:29:25,951
is that he just wants
to share those jokes.

735
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:30,153
I took my class picture
with me giving the finger

736
00:29:30,153 --> 00:29:32,991
and wrote under it, "What
did you expect?"

737
00:29:32,991 --> 00:29:34,828
There was a guy from El Duke

738
00:29:34,828 --> 00:29:37,633
who found seven huge
warts on his root.

739
00:29:37,633 --> 00:29:38,293
He put acid on these

740
00:29:38,293 --> 00:29:39,227
and now when he pees

741
00:29:39,227 --> 00:29:41,670
he gotta finger that
thing like a flute.

742
00:29:43,872 --> 00:29:46,004
One through line is
he's a hard worker

743
00:29:46,004 --> 00:29:49,073
and when he wants to learn
something, he digs in.

744
00:29:49,073 --> 00:29:51,042
I'd been a comedian
for like eight months

745
00:29:51,042 --> 00:29:54,177
and I had an album out,
which was absurd.

746
00:29:54,177 --> 00:29:56,146
It lent credence to you.

747
00:29:56,146 --> 00:29:57,917
I don't care who you
are, you got an album,

748
00:29:57,917 --> 00:29:59,754
this is your comedy album.

749
00:29:59,754 --> 00:30:02,955
You know, either it's good or
it's bad, but it's an album.

750
00:30:02,955 --> 00:30:05,023
And then I decided to
make another one

751
00:30:05,023 --> 00:30:07,729
and I decide to call it "Goin'
Ape!"

752
00:30:07,729 --> 00:30:10,160
I went to Lilian Costume
Shop and I said, listen,

753
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:13,966
I have no money, but if you let
me borrow your gorilla suit,

754
00:30:13,966 --> 00:30:16,100
I'll give you a credit on
the on back of my record.

755
00:30:16,100 --> 00:30:18,707
And they thought I was
crazy and they said sure.

756
00:30:18,707 --> 00:30:21,875
And so I took the gorilla
costume and put in a couple of

757
00:30:21,875 --> 00:30:24,845
paper bags and went to
the Bronx Zoo

758
00:30:24,845 --> 00:30:27,375
and it's September and
has classfuls

759
00:30:27,375 --> 00:30:30,048
of second and third grade kids.

760
00:30:30,048 --> 00:30:32,919
And I'm jumping out from
behind a tree dressed

761
00:30:32,919 --> 00:30:35,086
as a gorilla.

762
00:30:35,086 --> 00:30:38,287
I just can't even imagine.

763
00:30:38,287 --> 00:30:41,730
Somewhere there's a kid
trying to tell people

764
00:30:41,730 --> 00:30:43,127
that when he was in
second grade,

765
00:30:43,127 --> 00:30:45,767
he was at the Bronx Zoo
and a gorilla jumped out

766
00:30:45,767 --> 00:30:46,867
from behind a tree.

767
00:30:48,068 --> 00:30:48,734
Guy goes to the zoo to
feed the monkeys,

768
00:30:48,734 --> 00:30:50,365
he throws the monkey a peanut,

769
00:30:50,365 --> 00:30:52,939
the monkey picks up the peanut,
sticks it in his rear end,

770
00:30:52,939 --> 00:30:54,006
pulls it out and eats it.

771
00:30:54,006 --> 00:30:55,271
The guy says 'uggggh!"

772
00:30:57,077 --> 00:30:57,944
No, there's more.

773
00:30:59,981 --> 00:31:01,376
He throws the monkey
another peanut.

774
00:31:01,376 --> 00:31:03,147
The monkey picks up the peanut,
sticks it in his rear end,

775
00:31:03,147 --> 00:31:04,214
pulls it out and eats it.

776
00:31:04,214 --> 00:31:06,018
The guy's like, "Bleahh!"

777
00:31:06,018 --> 00:31:07,019
He goes to the zookeeper.

778
00:31:07,019 --> 00:31:10,693
He says, "Man, that is
one very stupid monkey."

779
00:31:10,693 --> 00:31:13,729
Zookeeper says, "Nah,
that's a very smart monkey.

780
00:31:13,729 --> 00:31:15,797
Last week somebody threw
him a big peach

781
00:31:15,797 --> 00:31:17,733
and he ate it and he
couldn't pass the pit.

782
00:31:17,733 --> 00:31:18,965
So now he measures them."

783
00:31:25,303 --> 00:31:28,843
And each time I made a record,
I gave them out, sold them,

784
00:31:28,843 --> 00:31:30,372
sent them to people.

785
00:31:30,372 --> 00:31:32,341
I've always been a
networking fool.

786
00:31:33,751 --> 00:31:35,080
There's something
about a joke teller

787
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:37,247
that needs to share those jokes.

788
00:31:37,247 --> 00:31:42,285
If he meets you in the
supermarket, he gets your address.

789
00:31:43,187 --> 00:31:46,960
And within five days from
the post office, old school,

790
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:48,896
you get a ton of stuff.

791
00:31:48,896 --> 00:31:53,395
Stickers and joke noses
and albums and CDs

792
00:31:53,395 --> 00:31:55,067
and whatever he has.

793
00:31:55,067 --> 00:31:56,937
And it's from his heart.

794
00:31:56,937 --> 00:32:00,512
He's building his fans, but
he also wants you to have it.

795
00:32:00,512 --> 00:32:04,846
He wants to share with
you the joy that he has.

796
00:32:04,846 --> 00:32:06,914
You gotta love a guy for that.

797
00:32:06,914 --> 00:32:08,751
Jackie just loved
giving his shit out.

798
00:32:08,751 --> 00:32:09,851
And I know it cost him money

799
00:32:09,851 --> 00:32:11,952
and he gave it for free
to everybody.

800
00:32:11,952 --> 00:32:13,151
Everybody would take the stuff

801
00:32:13,151 --> 00:32:15,120
because it was Jackie's,
it was kind of cool.

802
00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:18,288
Like Jackie was like
a cult hero.

803
00:32:19,224 --> 00:32:21,962
What's the difference between
a beer and a booger?

804
00:32:21,962 --> 00:32:24,228
You put your beer on
top of the table.

805
00:32:26,430 --> 00:32:28,463
Nobody mails more
things than Jackie.

806
00:32:28,463 --> 00:32:31,807
He is a fixture in the
Bayville Post Office.

807
00:32:31,807 --> 00:32:34,777
Bayville Post Office, what
would they do without him?

808
00:32:36,506 --> 00:32:38,176
He still walks in front
of my house on his way

809
00:32:38,176 --> 00:32:40,310
to the post office just
about every day.

810
00:32:40,979 --> 00:32:43,511
And I wonder if it's a
coincidence that the post office

811
00:32:43,511 --> 00:32:45,381
is at the end of the block.

812
00:32:45,381 --> 00:32:47,317
Who spends more money than me?

813
00:32:47,317 --> 00:32:50,155
Most people, he sends
everything media

814
00:32:50,155 --> 00:32:52,520
trying to save a buck.

815
00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:54,357
Little Jewish girl runs
up to her father, says,

816
00:32:54,357 --> 00:32:56,799
"Daddy, daddy, I need $50."

817
00:32:56,799 --> 00:32:57,459
He says $40?

818
00:32:57,459 --> 00:32:59,197
What do you need $30 for?

819
00:33:03,038 --> 00:33:07,876
My act is Polish jokes,
black jokes, midget jokes.

820
00:33:07,876 --> 00:33:09,581
Only a little, only a little.

821
00:33:09,581 --> 00:33:13,145
But I do a little of it because
I'm like, fuck the world.

822
00:33:13,145 --> 00:33:16,280
You know, it's all attitude.

823
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:20,988
If you can't laugh at
your own personal situation,

824
00:33:20,988 --> 00:33:23,287
no matter what it is, your
sexual preference, your religion,

825
00:33:23,287 --> 00:33:24,355
your race.

826
00:33:24,355 --> 00:33:26,488
People tell jokes about
my nose now all the time.

827
00:33:26,488 --> 00:33:27,192
What am I gonna do then?

828
00:33:27,192 --> 00:33:28,193
Deny it?

829
00:33:28,193 --> 00:33:30,525
If you don't laugh at
it, you will go nuts.

830
00:33:30,525 --> 00:33:33,330
Comedy is all about making
fun of the things that are

831
00:33:33,330 --> 00:33:36,267
obvious to everyone, but
nobody wants to talk about.

832
00:33:36,267 --> 00:33:39,303
And in today's age of
political correctness,

833
00:33:39,303 --> 00:33:42,339
you can lose an entire
career with just one joke.

834
00:33:42,339 --> 00:33:45,507
I think Jackie's been immune
from that because he's so far

835
00:33:45,507 --> 00:33:49,049
to the other side of
offensive that you know,

836
00:33:49,049 --> 00:33:52,250
it's good natured and no
one takes it personally.

837
00:33:52,250 --> 00:33:53,251
You just laugh.

838
00:33:53,953 --> 00:33:55,627
Lady goes to drugstore,
goes up to the counter,

839
00:33:55,627 --> 00:33:58,630
says, "I need to buy some
cyanide to kill my husband."

840
00:33:58,630 --> 00:34:00,489
He says, "Lady, I can't say
cyanide to kill your husband.

841
00:34:00,489 --> 00:34:01,523
You'll go to jail,
I'll go to jail.

842
00:34:01,523 --> 00:34:02,557
You're crazy."

843
00:34:02,557 --> 00:34:03,866
She reaches in her purse,
takes out a picture,

844
00:34:03,866 --> 00:34:05,000
hands it to pharmacist,

845
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:08,002
picture of her husband
fucking the pharmacist's wife.

846
00:34:09,138 --> 00:34:11,533
He says, "You didn't tell
me he had a prescription."

847
00:34:16,408 --> 00:34:21,147
Jackie is a quirky guy,
but quirky in a funny sense.

848
00:34:21,147 --> 00:34:26,284
I remember on Howard
you used to wear these

849
00:34:26,284 --> 00:34:28,286
like finger condoms.

850
00:34:29,256 --> 00:34:30,552
They were called finger cots,

851
00:34:30,552 --> 00:34:34,490
but they were literally
tiny condoms for your finger

852
00:34:34,490 --> 00:34:38,560
because he was allergic to
the ink in the newspapers.

853
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:40,496
Turns out it was cause
I was so full of alcohol

854
00:34:40,496 --> 00:34:42,399
and the tips of my
fingers were dry.

855
00:34:42,399 --> 00:34:43,700
But who knew?

856
00:34:43,700 --> 00:34:49,142
Jackie's an interesting
character in that he has no shame.

857
00:34:49,377 --> 00:34:52,046
He's not embarrassed by
the things that people are

858
00:34:52,046 --> 00:34:53,949
embarrassed by in
polite society.

859
00:34:54,751 --> 00:34:57,513
He never wants to miss
any part of a conversation.

860
00:34:57,513 --> 00:34:59,449
So if he's in the middle
of talking to you

861
00:34:59,449 --> 00:35:02,452
and he's really gotta
go take a crap,

862
00:35:03,356 --> 00:35:04,520
he leaves the door open.

863
00:35:05,189 --> 00:35:09,162
Every night I swim naked,
come take a nice hot shower,

864
00:35:09,162 --> 00:35:10,130
not get a boner.

865
00:35:12,266 --> 00:35:15,267
Jackie loves to swim
and he will do it

866
00:35:15,267 --> 00:35:16,466
at the weirdest times,

867
00:35:16,466 --> 00:35:18,171
like in the middle of November

868
00:35:18,171 --> 00:35:20,371
when it's 50 degrees
in the water.

869
00:35:20,371 --> 00:35:21,636
He'll go out in the
middle of the night

870
00:35:21,636 --> 00:35:23,044
and swim a half mile.

871
00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:27,081
One night he said, "Why
don't you come out with me?"

872
00:35:27,081 --> 00:35:31,349
And we walked to the water
and he takes his robe off

873
00:35:31,349 --> 00:35:35,089
and he is naked and he
just jumps in the water.

874
00:35:36,257 --> 00:35:38,961
Jackie has a girlfriend now, Barbara,

875
00:35:38,961 --> 00:35:43,262
who's friendly with his
ex-wife Nancy, they hang out.

876
00:35:43,262 --> 00:35:44,527
That's not normal.

877
00:35:44,527 --> 00:35:47,233
Jackie was a hippie
in many ways,

878
00:35:47,233 --> 00:35:51,699
so he would do things that
a college kid might do,

879
00:35:51,699 --> 00:35:54,438
but someone with money wouldn't.

880
00:35:54,438 --> 00:35:57,441
So he would have lobsters
in a garbage can.

881
00:35:57,441 --> 00:36:01,247
He had nail fungus and some
doctor told him that if they

882
00:36:01,247 --> 00:36:03,216
pulled his nails out they would
grow back and they didn't.

883
00:36:03,216 --> 00:36:04,415
So he's got no toenails.

884
00:36:05,418 --> 00:36:06,989
Oh well.

885
00:36:06,989 --> 00:36:09,486
Girls love Jackie Martling

886
00:36:09,486 --> 00:36:14,524
and I don't understand why
because he eats like a monster.

887
00:36:15,093 --> 00:36:16,658
Have you ever seen him eat?

888
00:36:18,101 --> 00:36:20,464
(slurping noises)

889
00:36:20,464 --> 00:36:21,366
There's a lot of slurping.

890
00:36:21,366 --> 00:36:23,038
There's a lot of slurping,

891
00:36:23,038 --> 00:36:24,435
there's a lot of fingers.

892
00:36:25,104 --> 00:36:28,076
You know me, I could just
put a piece of a chicken wing

893
00:36:28,076 --> 00:36:31,046
in my mouth or a leg
and just go like this.

894
00:36:31,046 --> 00:36:34,247
And that bone is just
like in a cartoon.

895
00:36:36,284 --> 00:36:40,121
The wife says, "Get out,
get out, get the fuck out."

896
00:36:40,121 --> 00:36:41,419
As her husband's walking
out the door, she says,

897
00:36:41,419 --> 00:36:43,685
"I hope you die a slow,
painful death."

898
00:36:43,685 --> 00:36:45,621
He says, "So now you
want me to stay?"

899
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:56,203
By the time it was 1982,

900
00:36:56,905 --> 00:36:59,074
I had three comedy albums
and me and Nancy

901
00:36:59,074 --> 00:37:02,506
would send the albums with
the cassettes that match them

902
00:37:02,506 --> 00:37:05,014
and promo to everybody.

903
00:37:07,744 --> 00:37:10,184
His percentage is
not super high,

904
00:37:10,184 --> 00:37:12,054
but he sends out so many
that of course

905
00:37:12,054 --> 00:37:13,715
he's gotten responses.

906
00:37:13,715 --> 00:37:16,586
The LPs going to
Howard Stern at NBC

907
00:37:16,586 --> 00:37:18,720
is a perfect example of that.

908
00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:21,558
I was working at Garvin's
Laugh Inn in Washington DC

909
00:37:21,558 --> 00:37:22,392
and this guy says,

910
00:37:22,392 --> 00:37:24,759
"Hey, this crazy guy
just got fired

911
00:37:24,759 --> 00:37:26,266
from the radio down here.

912
00:37:26,266 --> 00:37:29,203
And he used to do live
broadcasts in his underwear

913
00:37:29,203 --> 00:37:30,666
from the club on Friday mornings

914
00:37:30,666 --> 00:37:32,140
and you should look him
up because he's crazy."

915
00:37:32,140 --> 00:37:33,372
And he told me his name.

916
00:37:33,372 --> 00:37:38,476
And I got home and just
looked up the address,

917
00:37:38,476 --> 00:37:40,247
just Howard Stern, care of WNBC,

918
00:37:40,247 --> 00:37:43,679
and just mailed it like
we mailed everything.

919
00:37:43,679 --> 00:37:47,617
No idea that anybody's ever
gonna see it or who the guy is.

920
00:37:47,617 --> 00:37:48,860
I don't know anything.

921
00:37:48,860 --> 00:37:50,290
And Nancy had called
me up and said,

922
00:37:50,290 --> 00:37:53,590
"Hey, that disc jockey
wants you to call him."

923
00:37:53,590 --> 00:37:56,758
So I called WNBC, got
right on the phone.

924
00:37:56,758 --> 00:37:59,167
He said, "Hey, we
listened to your records.

925
00:37:59,167 --> 00:38:00,729
You know every joke,
you're a pistol.

926
00:38:00,729 --> 00:38:04,403
We're doing a a talent contest
over the telephone today.

927
00:38:04,403 --> 00:38:06,735
Do you wanna come in and
help judge it?"

928
00:38:06,735 --> 00:38:08,770
So I got in the car and
drove to 30 Rock

929
00:38:08,770 --> 00:38:11,245
and went in there and
sat down with Howard,

930
00:38:11,245 --> 00:38:15,887
Robin and Fred and laughed
my ass off for four hours.

931
00:38:15,887 --> 00:38:17,152
Was it magical?

932
00:38:17,152 --> 00:38:19,187
I don't know, it was
certainly fun.

933
00:38:19,187 --> 00:38:21,816
And I certainly added to the
fun and at the end of the day

934
00:38:21,816 --> 00:38:23,554
he said, "Wait, you are
a lot of fun.

935
00:38:23,554 --> 00:38:25,391
Why don't you come
back next week?"

936
00:38:26,526 --> 00:38:28,361
And that was that, boom.

937
00:38:30,497 --> 00:38:31,760
It's exciting going in to
work with Howard every week.

938
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:32,627
It's really wild.

939
00:38:32,627 --> 00:38:33,495
You never know what's
gonna happen.

940
00:38:33,495 --> 00:38:34,663
I walked outta the
building one day,

941
00:38:34,663 --> 00:38:38,239
walked outta the RCA building
when he is still at NBC.

942
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:39,867
It was a very horrible
day in New York City.

943
00:38:39,867 --> 00:38:42,441
One of those drizzly, rainy,
everything's filthy days.

944
00:38:42,441 --> 00:38:44,410
And it was a very
distinguished English gentleman

945
00:38:44,410 --> 00:38:45,510
standing on the side
of the road.

946
00:38:45,510 --> 00:38:46,511
He's pretty annoyed.

947
00:38:46,511 --> 00:38:47,545
And I was in a good mood.

948
00:38:47,545 --> 00:38:49,448
I've been laughing
for four hours.

949
00:38:49,448 --> 00:38:51,813
This guy's standing there
looking pretty prim and proper,

950
00:38:51,813 --> 00:38:53,782
you know, it was really
disgusting out.

951
00:38:53,782 --> 00:38:57,852
And a taxi came flying by, hit
a puddle and soaked this guy.

952
00:38:57,852 --> 00:38:59,392
Well I almost peed myself, okay?

953
00:38:59,889 --> 00:39:00,955
So he's a mess.

954
00:39:00,955 --> 00:39:03,396
He's all angry and he
turns and he's like yelling

955
00:39:03,396 --> 00:39:04,330
at the cabby.

956
00:39:04,330 --> 00:39:08,302
Another cab goes by, hits
the same puddle

957
00:39:08,302 --> 00:39:10,403
and douses the other side.

958
00:39:10,403 --> 00:39:11,204
Well, I'm dying.

959
00:39:11,204 --> 00:39:12,438
This guy turns to me
and he says,

960
00:39:12,438 --> 00:39:15,342
"You know, I think
New York City's

961
00:39:15,342 --> 00:39:16,706
the asshole of the world."

962
00:39:16,706 --> 00:39:18,576
I said, "Yeah, you
passing through?"

963
00:39:23,484 --> 00:39:26,419
For the first while
he would go in

964
00:39:26,419 --> 00:39:30,390
just for the promotion of shows

965
00:39:30,390 --> 00:39:33,195
that he had coming up and
he would just do Tuesdays.

966
00:39:33,195 --> 00:39:34,790
Well I did one day
a week for three years

967
00:39:34,790 --> 00:39:36,726
unless I was outta town.

968
00:39:36,726 --> 00:39:39,399
And if I was outta town,
sometimes I would call in.

969
00:39:39,399 --> 00:39:41,863
One time I called in
from the police station

970
00:39:41,863 --> 00:39:44,635
because I had spent the
night in jail.

971
00:39:45,337 --> 00:39:46,536
You know, it was
Howard's show.

972
00:39:46,536 --> 00:39:51,576
So Howard was the one on the
air and Jackie would think of

973
00:39:51,576 --> 00:39:52,544
something funny to say,

974
00:39:52,544 --> 00:39:56,416
but it wasn't Jackie's
show to be speaking.

975
00:39:56,416 --> 00:39:58,847
So he would kind of just
write something down

976
00:39:58,847 --> 00:40:01,751
and he would show it to Howard.

977
00:40:01,751 --> 00:40:04,424
And at first Howard's
like, "Get that away.

978
00:40:04,424 --> 00:40:06,426
What are you, what
are you doing?"

979
00:40:06,426 --> 00:40:07,594
And he was like,
"Well what have you got?"

980
00:40:07,594 --> 00:40:09,858
Well, then all of a sudden
he kind of wanted to see it.

981
00:40:09,858 --> 00:40:13,763
And that's how this joke
writing on the fly started.

982
00:40:13,763 --> 00:40:15,864
Like Jackie just was
thinking of funny things,

983
00:40:15,864 --> 00:40:17,635
but it was not his forum.

984
00:40:17,635 --> 00:40:18,933
And then he got hired and
all of a sudden,

985
00:40:18,933 --> 00:40:20,167
he was working for money

986
00:40:20,167 --> 00:40:22,970
and then he was full-time and
then they went to mornings.

987
00:40:22,970 --> 00:40:24,873
Jackie invented that job.

988
00:40:24,873 --> 00:40:27,975
So as a kid, I didn't
know that job existed.

989
00:40:27,975 --> 00:40:30,780
It became a job
because of Jackie.

990
00:40:30,780 --> 00:40:33,222
This is every note I
ever wrote for Howard.

991
00:40:35,358 --> 00:40:39,030
April 25th, 1997, you
listened to this show.

992
00:40:39,030 --> 00:40:43,661
I just brought 'em home
every day, 1998, '99,

993
00:40:43,661 --> 00:40:45,993
they go back all the way to '86.

994
00:40:45,993 --> 00:40:49,271
The idea of
somebody in real time

995
00:40:49,271 --> 00:40:52,340
synthesizing information. Fascinating.

996
00:40:52,340 --> 00:40:55,937
And Howard was always
a little bit reticent

997
00:40:55,937 --> 00:40:57,246
for that to be known.

998
00:40:58,082 --> 00:40:59,611
And you know what I
remember, I swear to God,

999
00:40:59,611 --> 00:41:02,284
correct me if I'm wrong,
he did a Channel Five show.

1000
00:41:02,284 --> 00:41:03,285
Look it, I'm digging in
my brain now.

1001
00:41:03,285 --> 00:41:03,945
Wow, Nobody knows-

1002
00:41:03,945 --> 00:41:04,612
Leslie West.

1003
00:41:04,612 --> 00:41:05,446
Leslie West was on the show.

1004
00:41:05,446 --> 00:41:07,454
Leslie West was the
band leader.

1005
00:41:07,454 --> 00:41:09,654
Steve Rossi was the announcer.

1006
00:41:09,654 --> 00:41:10,523
Oh my God.

1007
00:41:10,523 --> 00:41:11,920
Oh my God, you're right.

1008
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:14,725
And then you, you literally
stayed under the desk,

1009
00:41:14,725 --> 00:41:15,825
Under the desk!

1010
00:41:15,825 --> 00:41:17,728
handing Howard all the jokes.

1011
00:41:17,728 --> 00:41:19,334
I didn't even put
that in the book

1012
00:41:19,334 --> 00:41:20,335
because that is not believable.

1013
00:41:20,335 --> 00:41:21,435
Yeah, yeah.

1014
00:41:21,435 --> 00:41:23,734
For years we all
thought Howard

1015
00:41:23,734 --> 00:41:27,001
was one of the
quickest comics ever.

1016
00:41:27,001 --> 00:41:29,641
And then you find out
that's Jackie Martling

1017
00:41:29,641 --> 00:41:31,775
sitting there with a
pen and paper

1018
00:41:31,775 --> 00:41:36,813
like the 1800s and feeding
Howard those lines,

1019
00:41:37,048 --> 00:41:40,421
the brilliant fast comedic mind.

1020
00:41:40,421 --> 00:41:45,525
Constantly joke, boom,
joke, boom, joke, boom

1021
00:41:45,525 --> 00:41:47,560
and then laughing at every joke.

1022
00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:50,365
That laugh brings me me back
to so many wonderful times

1023
00:41:50,365 --> 00:41:51,432
in my life.

1024
00:41:51,432 --> 00:41:53,368
Here's some Jackie
laughs for you.

1025
00:41:53,368 --> 00:41:57,075
(various over the top laughs)

1026
00:42:02,940 --> 00:42:04,742
And to be able to come
up with something funny,

1027
00:42:04,742 --> 00:42:06,678
write it down, give it to
someone and then say it.

1028
00:42:06,678 --> 00:42:09,945
And it's still funny because
comedy has a half-life man.

1029
00:42:09,945 --> 00:42:13,982
If you don't get it out
that quickly,

1030
00:42:13,982 --> 00:42:16,050
it's funniness goes down.

1031
00:42:16,050 --> 00:42:20,923
So he had to be thinking
ahead of what was being said

1032
00:42:20,923 --> 00:42:24,135
in order to keep that
joke topical and funny

1033
00:42:24,135 --> 00:42:26,929
as it was going through the
process of getting to Howard,

1034
00:42:26,929 --> 00:42:29,030
which is an amazing thing.

1035
00:42:29,030 --> 00:42:31,703
You know, I was at a
K-Rock party at Elaine's

1036
00:42:31,703 --> 00:42:34,101
and I had never met
Howard's sister before.

1037
00:42:34,101 --> 00:42:36,411
And she came up to me
and she says,

1038
00:42:36,411 --> 00:42:39,150
"Jackie, I'm Howard's
sister Ellen.

1039
00:42:39,150 --> 00:42:41,416
I could never listen when
you guys are on the afternoon

1040
00:42:41,416 --> 00:42:42,550
because I was at work,

1041
00:42:42,550 --> 00:42:45,849
but now you are on in the
mornings and I can listen.

1042
00:42:45,849 --> 00:42:47,554
And I said to my brother,

1043
00:42:47,554 --> 00:42:51,855
'Howie, when did you
get so witty?'

1044
00:42:51,855 --> 00:42:55,595
And he said, 'It's not me.
That's Jackie.'

1045
00:42:55,595 --> 00:42:59,698
And you're Jackie and
it's so nice to meet you."

1046
00:42:59,698 --> 00:43:02,602
And I said, "Well, it's
very nice to meet you too."

1047
00:43:03,538 --> 00:43:06,804
If Jackie wrote something and
stuck it in front of Howard,

1048
00:43:06,804 --> 00:43:10,005
Howard could come back to
that five minutes later

1049
00:43:10,005 --> 00:43:12,777
and just work it in
and build up to a place

1050
00:43:12,777 --> 00:43:14,713
where it fit perfectly.

1051
00:43:14,713 --> 00:43:18,079
But it wasn't just jokes talking
about observational comedy,

1052
00:43:18,079 --> 00:43:20,818
like Jackie's observations of
what was going on around them

1053
00:43:20,818 --> 00:43:24,426
and taking a little
germ like the day that,

1054
00:43:24,426 --> 00:43:26,120
I don't know why they
were talking about

1055
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:29,057
the Quickdraw McGraw
show and Gary

1056
00:43:29,057 --> 00:43:33,204
happens to call Baba
Louie Baba Booey.

1057
00:43:33,204 --> 00:43:37,065
And if you listen to this
tape it, they pass it.

1058
00:43:37,065 --> 00:43:38,935
Jackie's like he just
said Baba Louie.

1059
00:43:38,935 --> 00:43:41,740
And it, he just said, Baba
Booey and it's Baba Louie.

1060
00:43:42,542 --> 00:43:45,645
And they circled back and
came back to it

1061
00:43:45,645 --> 00:43:47,515
and to this, I mean,

1062
00:43:47,515 --> 00:43:49,913
I think Sarah Silverman
said Baba Booey

1063
00:43:49,913 --> 00:43:52,652
on some award show last year.

1064
00:43:52,652 --> 00:43:54,852
I mean, it still
lives to this day.

1065
00:43:54,852 --> 00:43:57,325
Baba Booey!

1066
00:43:57,325 --> 00:43:59,087
We just kind of
Baba Booey-ed it.

1067
00:43:59,087 --> 00:43:59,956
Scene tonight-

1068
00:43:59,956 --> 00:44:04,665
Baba Booey!

1069
00:44:04,665 --> 00:44:09,097
That was a huge contribution
to the show, not just jokes.

1070
00:44:09,097 --> 00:44:11,671
I would love when
Jackie would be on the air

1071
00:44:11,671 --> 00:44:13,244
and Gary would walk in the room

1072
00:44:13,244 --> 00:44:15,169
and he would just lambast him.

1073
00:44:15,169 --> 00:44:19,107
And Gary is, I respect
that man more than anybody

1074
00:44:19,107 --> 00:44:21,648
on the planet for all the
things that he's been through.

1075
00:44:21,648 --> 00:44:23,485
He really did have bad breath.

1076
00:44:23,485 --> 00:44:26,521
That was almost an
intervention. Breakin his balls

1077
00:44:26,521 --> 00:44:29,524
about his teeth was
just so unfair.

1078
00:44:29,524 --> 00:44:31,856
I broke his balls 24/7.

1079
00:44:31,856 --> 00:44:34,760
It wasn't necessary
we're on the air.

1080
00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:36,993
Like I would fuck
with him in email

1081
00:44:36,993 --> 00:44:39,600
and fuck with him when
we weren't on the air

1082
00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:40,964
just for the sport of it.

1083
00:44:40,964 --> 00:44:42,163
Which really made him crazy.

1084
00:44:42,163 --> 00:44:42,663
Like, why are you doing that?

1085
00:44:42,663 --> 00:44:43,798
Nobody's here now.

1086
00:44:43,798 --> 00:44:47,971
Nobody gets the benefit of
that. But we do, you know.

1087
00:44:47,971 --> 00:44:50,842
With Jackie, the ball
busting never stops

1088
00:44:50,842 --> 00:44:52,679
and you don't even need
to be present

1089
00:44:52,679 --> 00:44:54,714
for the ball busting to happen.

1090
00:44:54,714 --> 00:44:57,585
Jackie and I went to a
friend's wedding in Rome

1091
00:44:57,585 --> 00:44:59,048
and we were by the Pantheon,

1092
00:44:59,048 --> 00:45:01,721
and this is like maybe
10 years after he left

1093
00:45:01,721 --> 00:45:02,789
the Stern show.

1094
00:45:02,789 --> 00:45:05,890
Suddenly I hear this crazy
cackling Jackie laugh

1095
00:45:05,890 --> 00:45:07,793
and I run over to
see what it is.

1096
00:45:07,793 --> 00:45:10,829
He's standing in front of a
fountain pointing at it going,

1097
00:45:10,829 --> 00:45:13,029
"It looks like Baba Booey!"

1098
00:45:14,868 --> 00:45:16,067
So from that point forward,

1099
00:45:16,067 --> 00:45:19,640
it was the Booey fountain and
you can go and see it today.

1100
00:45:21,039 --> 00:45:23,974
God, I, there's a couple
of Fred notes that I saved,

1101
00:45:23,974 --> 00:45:27,879
you know, one time we were
going on vacation

1102
00:45:27,879 --> 00:45:29,047
and Howard's like,

1103
00:45:29,047 --> 00:45:33,753
"Yeah, I think Allison and
I are gone to the islands,"

1104
00:45:33,753 --> 00:45:34,253
or something like that.

1105
00:45:34,253 --> 00:45:35,388
And Robin's like,

1106
00:45:35,388 --> 00:45:38,725
"Oh yes, I'm going to
California to see some friends."

1107
00:45:38,725 --> 00:45:40,859
Gary's gonna do this
and do that.

1108
00:45:40,859 --> 00:45:42,091
I wrote a note.

1109
00:45:42,091 --> 00:45:43,730
And Howard says,

1110
00:45:43,730 --> 00:45:46,161
and Fred will be staring
at people in Manhattan.

1111
00:45:48,033 --> 00:45:52,068
It was just, it just, they
were just screaming laughing.

1112
00:45:52,068 --> 00:45:54,708
And it would... he'd
get incensed,

1113
00:45:55,477 --> 00:45:57,172
of course they don't want
me back on that show.

1114
00:45:57,172 --> 00:45:58,006
Are you crazy?

1115
00:45:58,006 --> 00:46:00,043
Have to be crazy to
have me back.

1116
00:46:00,043 --> 00:46:01,044
But how fun is that?

1117
00:46:01,044 --> 00:46:02,881
You know, that's a nice beard.

1118
00:46:02,881 --> 00:46:05,587
You look like it went down
on it and came up with it.

1119
00:46:09,989 --> 00:46:12,891
Jackie's house was a
great experience.

1120
00:46:12,891 --> 00:46:14,860
It was a lot of fun.

1121
00:46:14,860 --> 00:46:15,993
We would have these parties.

1122
00:46:15,993 --> 00:46:17,995
He was, he had a band set up.

1123
00:46:17,995 --> 00:46:20,932
Jackie would not, he would
walk around like a t-shirt,

1124
00:46:20,932 --> 00:46:22,197
no shoes on.

1125
00:46:22,197 --> 00:46:23,331
We'd go down the beach.

1126
00:46:23,331 --> 00:46:26,168
He would convince everyone
to swim out to his jetty.

1127
00:46:27,105 --> 00:46:27,971
This is where the jetty was.

1128
00:46:27,971 --> 00:46:32,042
Sandy beat the jetty up
and pummeled it.

1129
00:46:32,042 --> 00:46:35,716
And then another storm a couple
weeks later destroyed it.

1130
00:46:36,552 --> 00:46:41,755
This is the only surviving thing
from my world famous jetty.

1131
00:46:42,124 --> 00:46:43,790
The whole world used this thing.

1132
00:46:43,790 --> 00:46:46,661
Jackie was legendary for
having these great 4th of July

1133
00:46:46,661 --> 00:46:48,124
parties and they really were,

1134
00:46:48,124 --> 00:46:50,159
he invited everybody
from the show.

1135
00:46:50,159 --> 00:46:52,062
Not only people who
worked on the show,

1136
00:46:52,062 --> 00:46:54,031
but guests who were
up on the show.

1137
00:46:54,031 --> 00:46:56,803
You'd have some random
wack packer show up

1138
00:46:56,803 --> 00:46:59,267
and the party would go
pretty much all night long.

1139
00:46:59,267 --> 00:47:02,809
Eventually it'd be like these
crazy bonfires on the beach.

1140
00:47:02,809 --> 00:47:05,680
I don't know how
someone that generous

1141
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:08,815
would get such a bad rap for
being the complete opposite

1142
00:47:08,815 --> 00:47:09,983
of what he was.

1143
00:47:09,983 --> 00:47:13,424
I mean, Howard definitely
has a way of painting you

1144
00:47:13,424 --> 00:47:16,185
into a light that is
not accurate.

1145
00:47:16,185 --> 00:47:17,285
I was, on the Stern show,

1146
00:47:17,285 --> 00:47:20,959
I was the homophobic Southerner

1147
00:47:20,959 --> 00:47:23,027
and I'm neither of those things.

1148
00:47:23,027 --> 00:47:27,394
Jackie and many people are
painted in the wrong light there.

1149
00:47:27,394 --> 00:47:28,228
But it's funny.

1150
00:47:28,228 --> 00:47:30,034
And that's what the
show's about.

1151
00:47:30,034 --> 00:47:31,739
That always threw my
friends for a loop

1152
00:47:31,739 --> 00:47:34,676
when they'd hear people
on the street

1153
00:47:34,676 --> 00:47:36,271
call me a cheapskate and stuff.

1154
00:47:36,271 --> 00:47:37,976
Because a lot of people
I knew didn't even listen

1155
00:47:37,976 --> 00:47:38,977
to the show.

1156
00:47:38,977 --> 00:47:40,451
They didn't care about
the Howard Stern Show,

1157
00:47:40,451 --> 00:47:41,485
where they get that, oh no,

1158
00:47:41,485 --> 00:47:43,212
Howard's got everybody
believing that I'm cheap.

1159
00:47:43,212 --> 00:47:44,413
And they're like, that's crazy.

1160
00:47:44,413 --> 00:47:47,788
And I'm like, it works for
him because it makes me nuts.

1161
00:47:47,788 --> 00:47:48,690
You know.

1162
00:47:51,497 --> 00:47:55,961
One morning somebody brought
in a resemblance of Jackie

1163
00:47:55,961 --> 00:47:57,193
as a puppet.

1164
00:47:57,193 --> 00:48:00,471
It was plaster and it
had little moving parts

1165
00:48:00,471 --> 00:48:04,937
inside of it and Jackie knew
about it before the show did.

1166
00:48:04,937 --> 00:48:06,972
But he told the guy to come in.

1167
00:48:06,972 --> 00:48:10,239
I was a huge fan of
the Stern Show

1168
00:48:10,239 --> 00:48:15,376
and one of my favorite parts
was Billy West doing Jackie.

1169
00:48:15,376 --> 00:48:17,246
It just tickled me.

1170
00:48:17,246 --> 00:48:19,116
I couldn't get enough of it.

1171
00:48:19,116 --> 00:48:22,823
So my buddy grew up with
Jackie, I could get pictures,

1172
00:48:22,823 --> 00:48:24,352
figure I'll make a puppet.

1173
00:48:24,352 --> 00:48:26,794
I thought it would be a
flash in the pan.

1174
00:48:26,794 --> 00:48:30,930
It it endured and
people loved it.

1175
00:48:30,930 --> 00:48:34,065
I came home one day and there
in my driveway was my buddy

1176
00:48:34,065 --> 00:48:35,803
Billy Born's blue truck
and I walked up and said,

1177
00:48:35,803 --> 00:48:36,437
"Hey Billy."

1178
00:48:36,437 --> 00:48:37,505
And I looked next to him,

1179
00:48:37,505 --> 00:48:40,302
next to him sitting
shotgun was his friend Tom.

1180
00:48:40,302 --> 00:48:43,778
And between the two of
them was this little Jackie

1181
00:48:43,778 --> 00:48:45,043
and he had a joint in his mouth

1182
00:48:45,043 --> 00:48:47,408
and a little tiny Budweiser can,

1183
00:48:47,408 --> 00:48:49,080
we figured, wait, there's
a Gary puppet,

1184
00:48:49,080 --> 00:48:51,786
that should be a Jackie
puppet but if I bring it in,

1185
00:48:51,786 --> 00:48:52,920
they'll just throw it
in the garbage

1186
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:55,790
because there'd be Jackie
trying to promote Jackie.

1187
00:48:55,790 --> 00:48:57,825
What you gotta do is you
gotta bring it in

1188
00:48:57,825 --> 00:48:58,386
like you're fucking with me.

1189
00:48:58,386 --> 00:48:59,454
And he said, okay.

1190
00:48:59,454 --> 00:49:03,391
And a couple days later,
Gary came into the studio,

1191
00:49:03,391 --> 00:49:06,130
he says "hey boff... there's a

1192
00:49:06,130 --> 00:49:08,396
guy in the lobby's got a
dummy with him.

1193
00:49:08,396 --> 00:49:10,431
and this dummy looks
a lot like Jackie.

1194
00:49:10,431 --> 00:49:13,775
He's got really pretty
girl with him."

1195
00:49:13,775 --> 00:49:15,139
Howard said, bring him in.

1196
00:49:15,139 --> 00:49:17,504
So the guy came in and
here's his beautiful wife,

1197
00:49:17,504 --> 00:49:20,177
Amy and him, and he
shows Howard the puppet.

1198
00:49:20,177 --> 00:49:22,443
And I'm like, get outta
here with that thing.

1199
00:49:22,443 --> 00:49:24,280
And you know, and he's winking
at me and I'm winking at him.

1200
00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:26,084
And one by one they're
passing it around

1201
00:49:26,084 --> 00:49:28,922
and they're really
fucking with me.

1202
00:49:28,922 --> 00:49:33,124
I think the Jackie
Puppet was the catalyst for

1203
00:49:33,124 --> 00:49:36,424
the breathy laugh type of thing, right?

1204
00:49:36,424 --> 00:49:40,967
Because that was the sounds
the Jackie puppet made.

1205
00:49:40,967 --> 00:49:43,871
But Billy West was doing the
voice of the Jackie puppet.

1206
00:49:44,940 --> 00:49:46,467
But Jackie was
writing the jokes.

1207
00:49:46,467 --> 00:49:47,535
It was like the Twilight Zone

1208
00:49:47,535 --> 00:49:51,109
because he was passing
notes to me for the puppet

1209
00:49:51,109 --> 00:49:52,209
to insult him.

1210
00:49:52,209 --> 00:49:53,410
It's like,

1211
00:49:53,410 --> 00:49:56,081
and I'm having this little
tiny figure of the guy sitting

1212
00:49:56,081 --> 00:49:56,983
right in front of me.

1213
00:49:56,983 --> 00:49:58,589
That's Twilight Zone man.

1214
00:49:58,589 --> 00:50:01,053
That's Rod Serling,
"Picture, if you will."

1215
00:50:02,023 --> 00:50:03,858
They took it and ran with it.

1216
00:50:04,660 --> 00:50:06,993
The puppet turned out to be
so venomous

1217
00:50:06,993 --> 00:50:08,522
with Jackie's help.

1218
00:50:08,522 --> 00:50:11,525
Conan O'Brien's ratings were
going down

1219
00:50:11,525 --> 00:50:12,559
and he was desperate.

1220
00:50:12,559 --> 00:50:14,330
So he came into the Stern Show,

1221
00:50:14,330 --> 00:50:18,070
I don't think he would've,
unless he was like, godfather.

1222
00:50:19,535 --> 00:50:24,406
And he came on and the
minute he came in the room,

1223
00:50:24,406 --> 00:50:28,344
the Jackie puppet called
him Conan O' Byebye.

1224
00:50:28,344 --> 00:50:30,511
Conan O'Byebye.

1225
00:50:30,511 --> 00:50:34,889
After Conan went on and got
tortured by the Jackie puppet.

1226
00:50:34,889 --> 00:50:38,420
That's where Triumph the
Insult dog came from.

1227
00:50:38,420 --> 00:50:39,421
You know?

1228
00:50:39,421 --> 00:50:42,028
Did you hear about the
guy who couldn't come?

1229
00:50:42,028 --> 00:50:43,128
We had to go get him.

1230
00:50:45,671 --> 00:50:48,969
It was a crazy circle
of funny, oh my God,

1231
00:50:51,435 --> 00:50:55,206
I think those are some of
the funniest Stern shows

1232
00:50:55,206 --> 00:50:56,240
in existence.

1233
00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:00,409
Two midgets chip in
for a lottery ticket.

1234
00:51:00,409 --> 00:51:01,311
They win the lottery.

1235
00:51:01,311 --> 00:51:02,411
The midgets win the lottery!

1236
00:51:02,411 --> 00:51:03,512
So, to celebrate.

1237
00:51:03,512 --> 00:51:06,448
They get two prostitutes
and they get two motel rooms

1238
00:51:06,448 --> 00:51:07,416
next to each other.

1239
00:51:08,218 --> 00:51:10,419
First midget goes in room
with a hooker.

1240
00:51:11,422 --> 00:51:12,619
He's a midget.

1241
00:51:12,619 --> 00:51:14,522
He ain't know what to
say to a whore.

1242
00:51:15,701 --> 00:51:16,634
Staring at her.

1243
00:51:16,634 --> 00:51:21,903
Next room, he hears
(grunts) all night long.

1244
00:51:24,270 --> 00:51:27,535
Next morning, the two midgets
coming outta the motel rooms.

1245
00:51:27,535 --> 00:51:29,911
First midget says to the
second midget,

1246
00:51:29,911 --> 00:51:32,441
"I didn't know what
to say to her."

1247
00:51:33,279 --> 00:51:34,443
The second midget says,

1248
00:51:34,443 --> 00:51:36,511
"I couldn't even get
up on the fucking bed."

1249
00:51:49,196 --> 00:51:50,261
They were a machine.

1250
00:51:51,264 --> 00:51:53,066
They really were a machine.

1251
00:51:53,066 --> 00:51:58,104
Howard relied on him a
lot. When their relationship

1252
00:51:58,406 --> 00:51:59,908
was at its best

1253
00:52:01,043 --> 00:52:04,011
and you have two very
brilliant minds

1254
00:52:04,011 --> 00:52:06,310
working on one topic, gold.

1255
00:52:07,446 --> 00:52:10,985
There was an energy in there
and you can't replicate it.

1256
00:52:10,985 --> 00:52:14,186
I mean, there's so many
people that try to recreate

1257
00:52:14,186 --> 00:52:15,990
the DNA of the Stern Show,

1258
00:52:15,990 --> 00:52:19,587
especially with morning radio,
and it got watered down.

1259
00:52:19,587 --> 00:52:22,293
I mean, all of a sudden these
myopic program directors

1260
00:52:22,293 --> 00:52:25,065
were giving permission
to their morning people

1261
00:52:25,065 --> 00:52:27,034
to do the Stern show.

1262
00:52:27,034 --> 00:52:28,970
That's basically what happened.

1263
00:52:28,970 --> 00:52:32,501
And Stern, he was the
originator of what he did.

1264
00:52:32,501 --> 00:52:35,207
A perfectionist about it
and a natural.

1265
00:52:35,207 --> 00:52:38,243
But these other people
were trying to be him.

1266
00:52:38,243 --> 00:52:42,577
When that cast of the Howard
Stern Show was in its prime,

1267
00:52:42,577 --> 00:52:44,216
you couldn't stop them.

1268
00:52:44,216 --> 00:52:46,416
They were the best thing
in entertainment.

1269
00:52:51,621 --> 00:52:54,457
I was the guy that was
gonna get the stories

1270
00:52:54,457 --> 00:52:57,229
and bring them up on the air.

1271
00:52:57,229 --> 00:52:59,231
John, I think would hang
out with Jackie

1272
00:52:59,231 --> 00:53:02,663
on the weekend just to
get airtime the next day.

1273
00:53:02,663 --> 00:53:04,665
I think a lot of the
reason some Stern fans

1274
00:53:04,665 --> 00:53:08,746
get mad at me for leaving
is because that

1275
00:53:09,482 --> 00:53:12,640
they didn't have that
inside guy that

1276
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:17,546
would have no fear in
busting Jackie, Fred, Gary,

1277
00:53:17,546 --> 00:53:19,152
even Howard's balls.

1278
00:53:19,152 --> 00:53:21,121
Like that, to me, was the
best part of the show,

1279
00:53:21,121 --> 00:53:23,123
was the inner soap opera.

1280
00:53:23,123 --> 00:53:24,024
All the squabbling.

1281
00:53:24,024 --> 00:53:26,324
I could give a shit about
the strippers.

1282
00:53:26,324 --> 00:53:29,129
I couldn't care about the celebrity
interviews for the most part.

1283
00:53:29,129 --> 00:53:31,659
To me, the best part of
the show was all of us

1284
00:53:31,659 --> 00:53:33,232
busting each other's balls.

1285
00:53:37,205 --> 00:53:38,336
I got to be part of something

1286
00:53:38,336 --> 00:53:39,810
that you could never duplicate

1287
00:53:39,810 --> 00:53:41,372
and it was at such a great age.

1288
00:53:41,372 --> 00:53:42,571
I was so young.

1289
00:53:42,571 --> 00:53:43,071
It was so much fun.

1290
00:53:43,071 --> 00:53:44,239
It was ridiculous.

1291
00:53:44,239 --> 00:53:47,543
This is why I didn't really
give a shit if I got paid.

1292
00:53:47,543 --> 00:53:49,578
I knew I was lucky, I
was supposed to be there.

1293
00:53:49,578 --> 00:53:51,778
Listen, I had every
right to say something,

1294
00:53:51,778 --> 00:53:53,615
but I didn't wanna make waves.

1295
00:53:53,615 --> 00:53:55,353
I just wanted to be
under the radar,

1296
00:53:55,353 --> 00:53:57,652
like I didn't even want
to go on the air.

1297
00:53:57,652 --> 00:53:59,522
Cause every time I got
on the air it was like

1298
00:53:59,522 --> 00:54:01,260
I was in a war zone.

1299
00:54:01,260 --> 00:54:03,724
Howard's eyes are darting
back and forth in his head.

1300
00:54:03,724 --> 00:54:05,429
Robin's talking in
your earphones.

1301
00:54:05,429 --> 00:54:07,563
Jackie's winging paper
balls at you.

1302
00:54:07,563 --> 00:54:09,598
Fred's imitating me with
sound effects.

1303
00:54:09,598 --> 00:54:13,107
I was a deer in the
headlights dude.

1304
00:54:13,107 --> 00:54:14,042
But it was fun.

1305
00:54:15,573 --> 00:54:17,639
They were the Beatles
of the radio.

1306
00:54:17,639 --> 00:54:20,378
In fact, when "Private Parts"
came out,

1307
00:54:21,147 --> 00:54:23,711
they did the premiere
at Madison Square Garden

1308
00:54:23,711 --> 00:54:26,351
and Howard came down the
street in the Pope Mobile.

1309
00:54:26,351 --> 00:54:27,616
It was amazing.

1310
00:54:31,259 --> 00:54:36,097
I went with Jackie and that is
the closest I will ever come

1311
00:54:36,097 --> 00:54:38,297
in my life to being
with the Beatles.

1312
00:54:42,600 --> 00:54:45,106
The 18 years that he
was on the Stern Show

1313
00:54:45,106 --> 00:54:46,307
were really fun.

1314
00:54:46,307 --> 00:54:50,639
We had a great time. Being a
wife of a Stern show person.

1315
00:54:50,639 --> 00:54:52,575
I bonded with the other wives.

1316
00:54:52,575 --> 00:54:54,412
There were regular times
during the year

1317
00:54:54,412 --> 00:54:55,680
where we all got together.

1318
00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:59,285
Jackie and I were really good
friends with Fred and Allison.

1319
00:54:59,285 --> 00:55:01,353
We were very close to
stuttering John and Susanna

1320
00:55:01,353 --> 00:55:02,587
for a long time.

1321
00:55:02,587 --> 00:55:07,865
So it was a time of real good
friendships and camaraderie.

1322
00:55:08,067 --> 00:55:11,594
But there were tough
things about it as well.

1323
00:55:11,594 --> 00:55:14,729
The man was sleep
deprived for 15 years,

1324
00:55:14,729 --> 00:55:17,402
getting up at 4:30 in the
morning and he did not go to

1325
00:55:17,402 --> 00:55:18,337
bed at 10 o'clock.

1326
00:55:18,337 --> 00:55:19,538
Never.

1327
00:55:19,538 --> 00:55:23,144
It's a very tough lifestyle
doing morning drive radio.

1328
00:55:23,144 --> 00:55:25,674
I don't know how he did
it for so long,

1329
00:55:25,674 --> 00:55:28,281
especially when he was drinking.

1330
00:55:28,281 --> 00:55:30,921
You can't sneak in
the Stern show.

1331
00:55:30,921 --> 00:55:34,551
Everyone knows if you're
not there or you're late,

1332
00:55:34,551 --> 00:55:36,784
it disrupts your entire life.

1333
00:55:36,784 --> 00:55:37,918
When you are on a show

1334
00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:41,492
that's the biggest show in
the country on television

1335
00:55:41,492 --> 00:55:43,263
and movies and radio.

1336
00:55:43,263 --> 00:55:44,462
It takes a toll.

1337
00:55:45,663 --> 00:55:48,730
He was a devout member
of that team.

1338
00:55:48,730 --> 00:55:51,337
But you give up a lot
when you do that.

1339
00:55:52,173 --> 00:55:55,440
I think Jackie is just
guilty of a lot of things

1340
00:55:55,440 --> 00:55:59,642
went kind of awry at
the same time.

1341
00:56:02,647 --> 00:56:06,682
Sometimes it wasn't the
friendliest job in the world.

1342
00:56:07,883 --> 00:56:09,190
You know, there's a
couple times

1343
00:56:09,190 --> 00:56:10,455
we had a falling out where I,

1344
00:56:10,455 --> 00:56:12,820
like I quit and told
Howard to go,

1345
00:56:12,820 --> 00:56:16,428
well, I told Fred to tell
Howard to go fuck himself.

1346
00:56:16,428 --> 00:56:20,663
Jackie felt that the
show was a team effort

1347
00:56:20,663 --> 00:56:24,601
and I'm not sure that Howard
always sees it that way.

1348
00:56:26,704 --> 00:56:28,374
That's gonna get me in trouble.

1349
00:56:29,443 --> 00:56:33,709
Howard's been known that
there wasn't a lot of sharing of

1350
00:56:33,709 --> 00:56:36,844
the good things that came
out of such a team effort

1351
00:56:38,617 --> 00:56:40,650
and that seemed to be
something that Jackie

1352
00:56:40,650 --> 00:56:41,818
wasn't happy with.

1353
00:56:41,818 --> 00:56:44,621
He would've liked to have
been rewarded a little more

1354
00:56:44,621 --> 00:56:46,524
for his part.

1355
00:56:46,524 --> 00:56:48,493
The abuse that you
get from Howard,

1356
00:56:48,493 --> 00:56:51,925
the lack of acknowledgement
for the hard work

1357
00:56:51,925 --> 00:56:53,795
and the jokes that
you're writing.

1358
00:56:53,795 --> 00:56:57,370
I think at some point
that takes a toll.

1359
00:56:57,370 --> 00:57:00,835
It's the empire he built,
you know?

1360
00:57:00,835 --> 00:57:03,310
But you, I mean, you can
fall under the weight

1361
00:57:03,310 --> 00:57:05,015
of your own hype,

1362
00:57:05,015 --> 00:57:06,841
like in otherwise, if you
start destroying

1363
00:57:06,841 --> 00:57:10,482
the support beams, it'll show.

1364
00:57:13,289 --> 00:57:14,420
It's toxic man.

1365
00:57:14,420 --> 00:57:15,553
It's toxic.

1366
00:57:15,553 --> 00:57:17,687
They have this
corporate mentality.

1367
00:57:17,687 --> 00:57:19,557
There are two main
characters aside from Howard

1368
00:57:19,557 --> 00:57:21,658
who played prominently
in Jackie's relationship

1369
00:57:21,658 --> 00:57:22,725
with the Stern show.

1370
00:57:22,725 --> 00:57:23,957
One is Mel Karmazin,

1371
00:57:23,957 --> 00:57:25,827
who was the head of
Infinity Broadcasting,

1372
00:57:25,827 --> 00:57:27,400
who later went over to Sirius.

1373
00:57:27,400 --> 00:57:28,863
And the other is Don Buckwald,

1374
00:57:28,863 --> 00:57:30,832
who's been Howard's
agent forever.

1375
00:57:30,832 --> 00:57:33,868
And together they
helped make Howard

1376
00:57:33,868 --> 00:57:36,871
into the force that he is today.

1377
00:57:36,871 --> 00:57:41,348
The broadcast industry
is a very frugal business,

1378
00:57:41,348 --> 00:57:42,580
unless you're the owner.

1379
00:57:42,580 --> 00:57:45,847
Mel ran a good, tight
business and he was,

1380
00:57:45,847 --> 00:57:48,982
everything was in the best
interest of the shareholder.

1381
00:57:48,982 --> 00:57:50,918
Mel really groomed Howard

1382
00:57:50,918 --> 00:57:54,295
to be that money making
corporate guy.

1383
00:57:54,295 --> 00:57:56,297
If you want to be successful
and be a millionaire,

1384
00:57:56,297 --> 00:57:58,992
there's rules you gotta follow
and you can't let people make

1385
00:57:58,992 --> 00:58:01,929
a lot of money because
everybody's gonna want your money.

1386
00:58:01,929 --> 00:58:03,931
So you gotta keep that,

1387
00:58:03,931 --> 00:58:06,472
keep 'em down here
because it is just,

1388
00:58:06,472 --> 00:58:08,540
that's something we do
as millionaires.

1389
00:58:08,540 --> 00:58:09,441
This is what goes on in my head,

1390
00:58:09,441 --> 00:58:11,741
but I think that it
sounds reasonable.

1391
00:58:11,741 --> 00:58:13,908
And then Howard adopted and
groomed by all these people,

1392
00:58:13,908 --> 00:58:16,009
like Don telling him, no,

1393
00:58:16,009 --> 00:58:17,747
you can't treat people like this

1394
00:58:17,747 --> 00:58:19,320
because then they're
gonna want more

1395
00:58:19,320 --> 00:58:20,488
and then they're gonna
want more and more.

1396
00:58:20,488 --> 00:58:22,653
So just keep 'em down here
and make 'em like, you know,

1397
00:58:22,653 --> 00:58:23,854
anybody could take your job.

1398
00:58:23,854 --> 00:58:26,690
And that's the way I felt
because it was like I knew there

1399
00:58:26,690 --> 00:58:30,727
was a list of resumes right
behind me, so I, you shut up.

1400
00:58:32,027 --> 00:58:36,865
It wasn't as fair as it
could be, but you know,

1401
00:58:36,865 --> 00:58:38,834
you're in business and
I work for you.

1402
00:58:38,834 --> 00:58:41,342
What I think I deserve and
what you think I deserve.

1403
00:58:41,342 --> 00:58:44,037
There's always gonna be horse
races, but the point is,

1404
00:58:44,037 --> 00:58:46,842
you're allowed to ask for more
and you're allowed to say no.

1405
00:58:46,842 --> 00:58:47,744
End of story.

1406
00:58:49,781 --> 00:58:51,979
Jackie once said about
other people on the show

1407
00:58:51,979 --> 00:58:53,486
being afraid to ask for money.

1408
00:58:53,486 --> 00:58:55,048
He's like, look, we're
part of a thing

1409
00:58:55,048 --> 00:58:57,391
that makes like a billion
dollars a year.

1410
00:58:57,391 --> 00:58:58,491
This is America.

1411
00:58:58,491 --> 00:58:59,426
It's a capitalist country.

1412
00:58:59,426 --> 00:59:00,494
It's all right to ask for more.

1413
00:59:00,494 --> 00:59:02,957
And he stood alone in that
and that's hard to do.

1414
00:59:02,957 --> 00:59:05,465
And it ended up being
his unraveling, you know.

1415
00:59:09,768 --> 00:59:12,505
He didn't walk away,
he asked for more money.

1416
00:59:13,772 --> 00:59:16,509
They didn't really
negotiate with him.

1417
00:59:16,509 --> 00:59:18,973
That's as much as I'll
say about it.

1418
00:59:18,973 --> 00:59:21,514
Jackie had the best
job in radio,

1419
00:59:21,514 --> 00:59:25,419
but there was no competition
for his services.

1420
00:59:26,221 --> 00:59:28,752
His mistake was, he didn't
have the leverage to say,

1421
00:59:28,752 --> 00:59:31,018
well I'm gonna go over to
this other show

1422
00:59:31,018 --> 00:59:32,624
that's syndicated in 50 markets

1423
00:59:32,624 --> 00:59:34,890
where they're gonna pay me
for 50 markets.

1424
00:59:34,890 --> 00:59:39,466
Billy West and I both
left to do better things.

1425
00:59:39,466 --> 00:59:43,635
Jackie, he played his
hand and he didn't,

1426
00:59:43,635 --> 00:59:44,869
he should have had
something else,

1427
00:59:44,869 --> 00:59:49,509
even if it was being a writer
for like a lesser of a show,

1428
00:59:49,509 --> 00:59:51,038
for a Don Imus or something.

1429
00:59:51,038 --> 00:59:53,579
But he should have had
something before he left.

1430
00:59:54,381 --> 00:59:57,110
I tried to talk him out
of it and I said, Jackie,

1431
00:59:57,110 --> 00:59:58,914
stick it out five more years

1432
00:59:58,914 --> 01:00:00,553
and then you never have
to work again.

1433
01:00:00,553 --> 01:00:01,554
It's a shame.

1434
01:00:01,554 --> 01:00:04,150
He's 70 now and he still
has to do all these gigs

1435
01:00:04,150 --> 01:00:05,954
cause he's gotta make a living.

1436
01:00:05,954 --> 01:00:07,626
And he wouldn't have had to
do that if he would've just

1437
01:00:07,626 --> 01:00:09,694
fucking listened to the
stuttering prick.

1438
01:00:11,192 --> 01:00:13,929
One of the saddest
days that I can remember

1439
01:00:13,929 --> 01:00:17,537
on the Stern show was the
day Jackie left.

1440
01:00:18,837 --> 01:00:21,101
It wasn't as much fun to
come into work.

1441
01:00:21,101 --> 01:00:22,212
I was like, oh God.

1442
01:00:22,212 --> 01:00:23,280
The greatest thing,

1443
01:00:23,280 --> 01:00:25,578
which the Howard Stern
show does not have anymore

1444
01:00:25,578 --> 01:00:26,678
is the conflict.

1445
01:00:26,678 --> 01:00:28,075
There's no conflict anymore.

1446
01:00:28,075 --> 01:00:30,880
I mean, they do Benji, they
try to have the conflict.

1447
01:00:30,880 --> 01:00:33,421
Jackie had, it was a
real conflict.

1448
01:00:34,820 --> 01:00:38,558
So many people say
you made the worst move

1449
01:00:38,558 --> 01:00:39,757
in show business ever.

1450
01:00:42,894 --> 01:00:43,992
I don't think so.

1451
01:00:43,992 --> 01:00:45,895
Maybe I did to some people, maybe.

1452
01:00:46,564 --> 01:00:49,129
Financially it hurt,
fame wise it hurt.

1453
01:00:49,129 --> 01:00:52,770
But you know, my life,
it was bad.

1454
01:00:52,770 --> 01:00:55,641
I was caught, I was
caught in a trap.

1455
01:00:55,641 --> 01:00:58,171
I wasn't gonna stop drinking,
I wasn't gonna get divorced.

1456
01:00:58,171 --> 01:01:00,877
I was living with a woman
and we weren't in love.

1457
01:01:00,877 --> 01:01:03,209
So there was no way I was
ever gonna quit drinking.

1458
01:01:03,209 --> 01:01:05,145
Jackie with losing the job.

1459
01:01:05,145 --> 01:01:08,654
And the way he lost the
job, me, with the drugs,

1460
01:01:08,654 --> 01:01:10,887
you feel like your life
is unraveling

1461
01:01:10,887 --> 01:01:14,726
and coming apart in front
of 15 million people.

1462
01:01:14,726 --> 01:01:19,764
So I was, you had to break
the egg to make the omelet,

1463
01:01:22,098 --> 01:01:23,867
and whether it was smart or not

1464
01:01:23,867 --> 01:01:26,540
and it all comes down
to me being full of crap

1465
01:01:26,540 --> 01:01:27,641
because a couple months
later I said,

1466
01:01:27,641 --> 01:01:30,137
"Hey, I'll take the deal
if it's still available."

1467
01:01:31,239 --> 01:01:33,811
Maybe he just
needed that excuse.

1468
01:01:33,811 --> 01:01:37,177
Not coming to terms
with the amount of money

1469
01:01:37,177 --> 01:01:40,213
was the push he needed. To
hear him say it,

1470
01:01:40,213 --> 01:01:41,555
he got healthier.

1471
01:01:41,555 --> 01:01:42,820
He doesn't look healthy to me,

1472
01:01:42,820 --> 01:01:46,758
but he says it saved his life.

1473
01:01:46,758 --> 01:01:48,925
When I was going
through my hell,

1474
01:01:48,925 --> 01:01:52,225
my particular hell at
the end of my run there

1475
01:01:52,225 --> 01:01:54,260
and I was feeling
because of the drugs,

1476
01:01:54,260 --> 01:01:56,702
everybody around me was
abandoning me,

1477
01:01:56,702 --> 01:01:58,231
including Howard,
which was wrong.

1478
01:01:59,608 --> 01:02:02,609
Jackie texted me, I'll
never forget this.

1479
01:02:02,609 --> 01:02:06,613
I was on my way to the show and
I was doing a lot of heroin,

1480
01:02:06,613 --> 01:02:07,878
a lot of cocaine,

1481
01:02:07,878 --> 01:02:09,880
and I was drinking
before the show

1482
01:02:09,880 --> 01:02:11,816
and I was getting a
drink at a deli

1483
01:02:11,816 --> 01:02:14,786
at 5:50 in the morning
before I went to Sirius.

1484
01:02:14,786 --> 01:02:16,557
And Jackie texted me
and he knew,

1485
01:02:16,557 --> 01:02:18,757
I think instinctually he knew
what I was going through.

1486
01:02:18,757 --> 01:02:20,726
He texted me and he said,

1487
01:02:20,726 --> 01:02:22,728
I'm the only person in the world

1488
01:02:22,728 --> 01:02:24,059
who knows what you're
going through.

1489
01:02:24,059 --> 01:02:26,061
He was so kind about it.

1490
01:02:26,061 --> 01:02:27,227
Look man, I know what
you're going through.

1491
01:02:27,227 --> 01:02:28,833
You're on the biggest
radio show ever

1492
01:02:28,833 --> 01:02:31,737
and you have personal
problems going on.

1493
01:02:31,737 --> 01:02:33,035
If you need me, I'm
here for you.

1494
01:02:33,035 --> 01:02:35,576
You know that I'll never
forget that text.

1495
01:02:35,576 --> 01:02:37,347
I realized he's the only
guy who could be my shrink

1496
01:02:37,347 --> 01:02:40,647
because it's a unique
job and a unique problem

1497
01:02:40,647 --> 01:02:42,682
that I shared with him,
you know?

1498
01:02:42,682 --> 01:02:47,313
I think the way it went
down was the best way for him.

1499
01:02:47,313 --> 01:02:48,853
I do.

1500
01:02:48,853 --> 01:02:52,692
Within an eight week
period, he was off the show,

1501
01:02:53,428 --> 01:02:57,631
our marriage split up
and he stopped drinking.

1502
01:02:59,866 --> 01:03:02,999
He doesn't have quite the
fame that he had

1503
01:03:02,999 --> 01:03:05,100
or quite the money that he had,

1504
01:03:05,100 --> 01:03:07,872
but he has a life
and a good one.

1505
01:03:10,877 --> 01:03:12,382
Last time I was on the
Howard Stern Show

1506
01:03:12,382 --> 01:03:14,175
was sometime around 2012.

1507
01:03:14,175 --> 01:03:17,277
Went on, had a lot of laughs,
was great.

1508
01:03:17,277 --> 01:03:20,819
Haven't really been in contact
with any of them ever since.

1509
01:03:20,819 --> 01:03:22,315
Of course we reached out
to all of them

1510
01:03:22,315 --> 01:03:24,086
to be in the documentary

1511
01:03:24,086 --> 01:03:28,728
and those of them that did
reply declined via email,

1512
01:03:28,728 --> 01:03:29,762
which saddens me.

1513
01:03:29,762 --> 01:03:33,062
But the craziest thing
about the whole situation

1514
01:03:33,062 --> 01:03:37,770
is I am still very good friends
with everybody I ever met

1515
01:03:37,770 --> 01:03:39,004
except those people.

1516
01:03:39,004 --> 01:03:43,842
And I was very close to them
for 18 years and then nothing.

1517
01:03:44,644 --> 01:03:47,681
I'm not sure what that
says about the situation

1518
01:03:47,681 --> 01:03:51,080
or them or me.

1519
01:03:54,789 --> 01:03:56,954
Two blondes were out to lunch.

1520
01:03:56,954 --> 01:03:58,659
First blonde says to the
second blonde,

1521
01:03:58,659 --> 01:04:01,057
"You got something on
your cheek."

1522
01:04:01,057 --> 01:04:02,355
The other blonde goes like this.

1523
01:04:02,355 --> 01:04:03,994
She says, "Nah, the other side."

1524
01:04:03,994 --> 01:04:04,896
She goes.

1525
01:04:12,301 --> 01:04:14,807
Well I left the show and I
obviously had a lot of time

1526
01:04:14,807 --> 01:04:16,446
even doing my shows
and having fun

1527
01:04:16,446 --> 01:04:20,813
and I had quit drinking and
I figured I always want,

1528
01:04:20,813 --> 01:04:22,045
I always loved the movies.

1529
01:04:22,045 --> 01:04:24,344
And I said, let me
give it a shot.

1530
01:04:24,344 --> 01:04:25,345
Wanted to try acting.

1531
01:04:25,345 --> 01:04:27,886
I took acting lessons.

1532
01:04:27,886 --> 01:04:31,791
I met Jackie on a movie
called "Send No Flowers."

1533
01:04:31,791 --> 01:04:35,058
I play a sort of mob
boss's daughter

1534
01:04:35,058 --> 01:04:38,325
and Jackie plays a guy
who owes me money.

1535
01:04:38,325 --> 01:04:39,326
We came here today.

1536
01:04:39,326 --> 01:04:40,437
To jerk me off?

1537
01:04:41,330 --> 01:04:42,703
No, not at all.

1538
01:04:42,703 --> 01:04:45,970
$165,000, That's what you owe.

1539
01:04:45,970 --> 01:04:46,839
What?

1540
01:04:46,839 --> 01:04:47,433
Mickey O'Mara.

1541
01:04:47,433 --> 01:04:47,800
He's not here now.

1542
01:04:47,800 --> 01:04:49,034
He's gone.

1543
01:04:49,034 --> 01:04:53,813
He's not here to run interference
for you two degenerates.

1544
01:04:53,813 --> 01:04:56,717
I expect you to pay the
money you owe my family

1545
01:04:56,717 --> 01:04:58,444
by the end of this month.

1546
01:04:58,444 --> 01:05:00,083
You can't be serious.

1547
01:05:00,083 --> 01:05:01,953
I'm as serious as a
heart attack.

1548
01:05:01,953 --> 01:05:03,054
He did a great job.

1549
01:05:03,054 --> 01:05:06,386
I was very impressed with
his acting in the scenes

1550
01:05:06,386 --> 01:05:09,895
that we did together on
this little movie.

1551
01:05:09,895 --> 01:05:12,227
Hey, you know why they
make gold chains?

1552
01:05:12,963 --> 01:05:15,868
To remind you Italians
where to stop shaving.

1553
01:05:19,071 --> 01:05:21,038
Then it was a movie
called "Venus & Vegas"

1554
01:05:21,038 --> 01:05:22,974
and Jackie had another part

1555
01:05:22,974 --> 01:05:24,041
and we had Florence
Henderson in it,

1556
01:05:24,041 --> 01:05:26,043
and Florence Henderson was wild.

1557
01:05:27,409 --> 01:05:32,412
Hello baby, Mama just hit
the big perfecta

1558
01:05:34,251 --> 01:05:35,349
and she is hot.

1559
01:05:35,349 --> 01:05:36,350
Come in.

1560
01:05:36,350 --> 01:05:41,157
Ah, ooh, daddy got a hose
for mommy's fire.

1561
01:05:43,392 --> 01:05:45,898
And Jackie tongue
kissed Florence Henderson,

1562
01:05:45,898 --> 01:05:47,328
while he ate a hot dog.

1563
01:05:49,497 --> 01:05:51,233
And I think Jackie enjoyed
this more than anything

1564
01:05:51,233 --> 01:05:53,070
he's ever done in his
entire life.

1565
01:05:58,110 --> 01:05:58,977
Oh man.

1566
01:06:01,245 --> 01:06:03,014
It was disturbing.

1567
01:06:03,014 --> 01:06:05,280
And Jackie was so proud of
it and Florence Henderson

1568
01:06:05,280 --> 01:06:08,250
was like into it

1569
01:06:08,250 --> 01:06:10,527
and it just made the
whole entire crew cringe.

1570
01:06:11,296 --> 01:06:14,157
If you spend five minutes
with Jackie and listen to any of

1571
01:06:14,157 --> 01:06:15,058
his stories,

1572
01:06:15,058 --> 01:06:16,896
the first thing you think
of is this guy

1573
01:06:16,896 --> 01:06:19,195
should write a book and
he actually did.

1574
01:06:19,195 --> 01:06:21,428
I mean, he sequestered
himself in a room

1575
01:06:21,428 --> 01:06:23,067
for I don't know how long,

1576
01:06:23,067 --> 01:06:24,002
and he collected all his stories

1577
01:06:24,002 --> 01:06:25,170
and came out with this book,

1578
01:06:25,170 --> 01:06:28,171
which of course has a title
that could only be written

1579
01:06:28,171 --> 01:06:29,106
by Jackie.

1580
01:06:31,407 --> 01:06:34,078
How many joke fans do
we have here?

1581
01:06:37,446 --> 01:06:39,149
I look at the book and
I just can't believe it.

1582
01:06:39,149 --> 01:06:40,986
I look at all you and I
can't believe it.

1583
01:06:40,986 --> 01:06:42,823
I have been so, so lucky.

1584
01:06:42,823 --> 01:06:43,890
Let's sign some books.

1585
01:06:43,890 --> 01:06:45,089
Let's have some fun.

1586
01:06:46,158 --> 01:06:47,487
And so now you got this book.

1587
01:06:47,487 --> 01:06:49,225
This is "The Joke Man."

1588
01:06:49,225 --> 01:06:51,326
This is "Bow to Stern."

1589
01:06:51,326 --> 01:06:53,394
This is a, this is a great
picture, great title.

1590
01:06:53,394 --> 01:06:55,297
Jackie, I'll tell you,
you're a legend man.

1591
01:06:55,297 --> 01:06:58,135
Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling, right.

1592
01:06:58,135 --> 01:06:58,971
Jackie, good to see
you brother.

1593
01:06:58,971 --> 01:06:59,471
The man.

1594
01:06:59,471 --> 01:07:00,372
Good to see you.

1595
01:07:00,372 --> 01:07:02,172
Look at us, 49 years old,
both of us.

1596
01:07:02,172 --> 01:07:03,041
Here you go.

1597
01:07:03,041 --> 01:07:04,273
Hey, come on.

1598
01:07:05,243 --> 01:07:06,946
Good morning teacher.

1599
01:07:06,946 --> 01:07:08,013
What's up Jackie?

1600
01:07:09,610 --> 01:07:11,852
The wack pack is how
the Howard Stern Show

1601
01:07:11,852 --> 01:07:15,416
refers to all the crazies
who closely orbit the show.

1602
01:07:15,416 --> 01:07:18,023
And now as I drift
further and further

1603
01:07:18,023 --> 01:07:19,420
from being a cast member,

1604
01:07:19,420 --> 01:07:22,489
I've probably meandered
frighteningly close

1605
01:07:22,489 --> 01:07:25,525
to becoming a wack packer
if I haven't already.

1606
01:07:26,671 --> 01:07:28,165
It's a very cold winner's night.

1607
01:07:28,165 --> 01:07:30,497
So three homeless guys
huddle up close to stay warm.

1608
01:07:30,497 --> 01:07:31,872
Wake up in the morning,
guy on the left said,

1609
01:07:31,872 --> 01:07:33,401
"I dream somebody's
pulling on my dick."

1610
01:07:33,401 --> 01:07:34,600
Guy on the right says,

1611
01:07:34,600 --> 01:07:36,404
"I dreamed somebody was pulling
on my dick."

1612
01:07:36,404 --> 01:07:39,209
Guy in the middle says, "I
had a dream I went skiing."

1613
01:07:46,955 --> 01:07:48,548
And one day I went to
dinner with Howard

1614
01:07:48,548 --> 01:07:50,286
and he said, "Oh, so
you wanna have a show?"

1615
01:07:50,286 --> 01:07:51,254
And I said, "Sure,

1616
01:07:51,254 --> 01:07:53,993
I'm just gonna tell
some jokes or whatever."

1617
01:07:53,993 --> 01:07:56,028
And of course the story
delineated into,

1618
01:07:56,028 --> 01:07:58,525
I went to Howard and
begged for a show.

1619
01:07:58,525 --> 01:08:00,593
But bottom line is I got
the show one day a week

1620
01:08:00,593 --> 01:08:02,903
and then I called my
friend Ian said,

1621
01:08:02,903 --> 01:08:04,630
"Hey, I got my own
show on Sirius.

1622
01:08:04,630 --> 01:08:05,675
Want to be my co-host?"

1623
01:08:05,675 --> 01:08:06,876
And he said, "Okay."

1624
01:08:06,876 --> 01:08:11,439
Live from Studio 21 in the
Sirius XM broadcast complex.

1625
01:08:11,439 --> 01:08:14,277
It's been week since
I saw McKean.

1626
01:08:14,277 --> 01:08:17,346
On "Jackie's Joke Hunt", we
did the show for eight years,

1627
01:08:17,346 --> 01:08:20,052
402 episodes I think.

1628
01:08:20,052 --> 01:08:23,319
And we calculated that it was
something over 10,000 jokes

1629
01:08:23,319 --> 01:08:26,025
that we heard over the
run of the show.

1630
01:08:26,025 --> 01:08:27,961
I remember exactly three.

1631
01:08:27,961 --> 01:08:31,195
"Jackie's Joke Hunt"
ran for 402 episodes.

1632
01:08:31,195 --> 01:08:33,164
It was just jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes.

1633
01:08:33,164 --> 01:08:37,300
And I still think it's
just a ridiculous format.

1634
01:08:37,300 --> 01:08:38,499
And it was so much fun.

1635
01:08:39,435 --> 01:08:42,272
Now Steven, what we do, this
is called the opening salvo.

1636
01:08:42,272 --> 01:08:43,207
I do a joke.

1637
01:08:43,207 --> 01:08:43,908
He does a joke.

1638
01:08:43,908 --> 01:08:45,275
You do a joke, she does joke.

1639
01:08:45,275 --> 01:08:46,309
Got it, I could do it.

1640
01:08:46,309 --> 01:08:46,876
Steven Schirripa.

1641
01:08:46,876 --> 01:08:48,077
All right, here we go.

1642
01:08:48,077 --> 01:08:51,050
So a guy calls home, "He says,
honey, I won the lottery.

1643
01:08:51,050 --> 01:08:52,251
Start packing."

1644
01:08:52,251 --> 01:08:56,220
She says, "Should I pack for
the beach or to go skiing?"

1645
01:08:56,220 --> 01:08:59,454
He says, "I don't care where
you go, just get the fuck out."

1646
01:09:01,623 --> 01:09:04,734
Normally, Schirripa, I tell everybody
the rules

1647
01:09:04,734 --> 01:09:07,165
and I always forget
and it's nobody's fault

1648
01:09:07,165 --> 01:09:08,595
because you're supposed
to use a girl's voice

1649
01:09:08,595 --> 01:09:10,740
if it's a girl, oh, but
that's not your fault.

1650
01:09:10,740 --> 01:09:12,434
wait, what am I
gonna sound like a girl?

1651
01:09:12,434 --> 01:09:14,975
What girl am I gonna sound like?
— A little like me.

1652
01:09:14,975 --> 01:09:17,472
I think that's one of the
funniest things to me is people

1653
01:09:17,472 --> 01:09:19,111
not telling the jokes right.

1654
01:09:19,111 --> 01:09:23,709
Being made to tell a
joke seven times

1655
01:09:23,709 --> 01:09:25,381
because he couldn't
get the accents,

1656
01:09:25,381 --> 01:09:27,020
he couldn't get the this,
the that.

1657
01:09:27,020 --> 01:09:29,385
He got the words wrong.

1658
01:09:29,385 --> 01:09:31,057
Do it one more time.

1659
01:09:31,057 --> 01:09:32,058
A guy calls home, he says,

1660
01:09:32,058 --> 01:09:33,587
"Honey, I won the lottery.

1661
01:09:33,587 --> 01:09:34,687
Start packing."

1662
01:09:34,687 --> 01:09:36,557
(high pitched) She says,

1663
01:09:36,557 --> 01:09:38,460
No, no, shouldn't
say "She says"

1664
01:09:38,460 --> 01:09:39,692
in a girl's voice.

1665
01:09:39,692 --> 01:09:42,299
You don't talk like the
girl until its the girl.

1666
01:09:42,299 --> 01:09:43,168
(high pitched) "Should
I pack for the beach

1667
01:09:43,168 --> 01:09:44,004
or to go skiing?"

1668
01:09:44,004 --> 01:09:45,335
He says,

1669
01:09:45,335 --> 01:09:48,305
"I don't care where you
go, just get the fuck out."

1670
01:09:50,606 --> 01:09:52,441
And take your voice with ya.

1671
01:09:52,441 --> 01:09:55,114
So we did "Jackie's
Joke Hunt" for eight years

1672
01:09:55,114 --> 01:09:57,215
and they paid us less money
and less money

1673
01:09:57,215 --> 01:09:58,513
and abused us more and more,

1674
01:09:58,513 --> 01:10:00,152
but they couldn't make us quit.

1675
01:10:00,152 --> 01:10:01,582
So they finally fired us.

1676
01:10:13,761 --> 01:10:15,398
You know, when I started
working on the Stern show,

1677
01:10:15,398 --> 01:10:19,468
I realized like, this
is an odd job.

1678
01:10:19,468 --> 01:10:21,041
And I think it went
through my mind like,

1679
01:10:21,041 --> 01:10:25,375
will there be any evidence
that I ever did anything?

1680
01:10:25,375 --> 01:10:27,740
I just have always
saved everything.

1681
01:10:28,442 --> 01:10:30,479
You know, if you have
three quarter inch videos

1682
01:10:30,479 --> 01:10:33,383
of your act or four
track cassettes,

1683
01:10:33,383 --> 01:10:35,715
of course you're
gonna keep them.

1684
01:10:35,715 --> 01:10:37,288
I guess it's my whole life.

1685
01:10:39,193 --> 01:10:42,755
I just have always
held on to stuff.

1686
01:10:45,463 --> 01:10:48,464
It's garbage, but it's
wonderful garbage.

1687
01:10:48,464 --> 01:10:50,598
Cab driver picks up a nun,
looks in the rear view mirror,

1688
01:10:50,598 --> 01:10:52,369
says, "You know sister, I
always fantasized about being

1689
01:10:52,369 --> 01:10:53,337
with a nun."

1690
01:10:53,337 --> 01:10:55,372
"Yeah, you and everybody else.

1691
01:10:55,372 --> 01:10:56,373
You Catholic?"

1692
01:10:56,373 --> 01:10:56,940
"Yes I am."

1693
01:10:56,940 --> 01:10:57,908
She says, "Pull over."

1694
01:10:57,908 --> 01:10:58,842
He pulls over, she gets
into the front seat,

1695
01:10:58,842 --> 01:11:02,181
gives him the best
blowjob he's ever had.

1696
01:11:02,181 --> 01:11:03,710
She gets done, he feels a
little guilty,

1697
01:11:03,710 --> 01:11:04,810
says, "Sister, I gotta
tell you something.

1698
01:11:04,810 --> 01:11:06,119
I'm not really Catholic."

1699
01:11:06,119 --> 01:11:07,285
She says, "Yeah, my
name's Ralph.

1700
01:11:07,285 --> 01:11:08,748
I'm going to a costume party."

1701
01:11:11,126 --> 01:11:12,059
Good night!

1702
01:11:19,728 --> 01:11:21,464
The other day on Twitter,
somebody said,

1703
01:11:21,464 --> 01:11:22,795
"Boy, that's some
racket you got.

1704
01:11:22,795 --> 01:11:25,567
You memorize some joke
books and tell jokes

1705
01:11:25,567 --> 01:11:26,468
and make money."

1706
01:11:26,468 --> 01:11:28,405
And like, I don't
answer these people

1707
01:11:28,405 --> 01:11:31,738
because they don't
realize that these jokes

1708
01:11:31,738 --> 01:11:35,742
are organically fed into
my soul over 70 years.

1709
01:11:36,511 --> 01:11:41,220
You know what, Jackie has
lived a life on his own terms.

1710
01:11:41,989 --> 01:11:45,521
I think he's generally
pretty pleased

1711
01:11:45,521 --> 01:11:46,689
with the way his life has gone.

1712
01:11:46,689 --> 01:11:49,558
You think of Jackie being
the Jackie from years ago,

1713
01:11:49,558 --> 01:11:53,265
again, drinking, Howard
ragging on him and stuff.

1714
01:11:53,265 --> 01:11:55,905
Now he's a lot more responsible,

1715
01:11:55,905 --> 01:11:58,468
which is so odd to say
about Jackie.

1716
01:11:59,834 --> 01:12:01,768
I think he's
eternally like a child.

1717
01:12:03,607 --> 01:12:05,277
What a great gift that is, right?

1718
01:12:05,277 --> 01:12:08,610
Isn't that a great gift to be
able to be happy and giggly.

1719
01:12:09,479 --> 01:12:13,483
I think he was always the
realest person on the show.

1720
01:12:13,483 --> 01:12:14,682
There's something really pure

1721
01:12:14,682 --> 01:12:17,619
about what drives him
to do the comedy

1722
01:12:17,619 --> 01:12:19,357
and the music and
all that stuff.

1723
01:12:19,357 --> 01:12:20,897
I think he just needs to.

1724
01:12:21,666 --> 01:12:25,759
I really don't think it's
about making tons of money.

1725
01:12:25,759 --> 01:12:29,400
And I think that he's the kind
of guy that no matter what

1726
01:12:29,400 --> 01:12:32,370
level he got to financially,

1727
01:12:32,370 --> 01:12:34,537
he would happily live
out his days.

1728
01:12:35,273 --> 01:12:37,342
The guy wakes up in
a hospital bed

1729
01:12:38,378 --> 01:12:39,608
and the nurse looks down at him

1730
01:12:39,608 --> 01:12:42,743
and she says, "You were
in a terrible accident.

1731
01:12:42,743 --> 01:12:45,812
You won't be able to feel
anything from the waist down."

1732
01:12:45,812 --> 01:12:48,287
He says, "Well, then can
I squeeze your tits?"

1733
01:12:50,753 --> 01:12:52,291
Sorry girls.

1734
01:12:52,291 --> 01:12:55,723
Two nuns riding on a bicycle
in a Vatican courtyard.

1735
01:12:55,723 --> 01:12:58,198
And one says, "You know, I've
never come this way before."

1736
01:12:58,198 --> 01:13:00,332
She says, "Me neither
must be the cobblestones."

1737
01:13:04,338 --> 01:13:07,735
When you get old enough,
you know what makes you happy.

1738
01:13:07,735 --> 01:13:11,475
If I sit down and write
a story about my life

1739
01:13:11,475 --> 01:13:14,346
or do anything creative,
I'm happy.

1740
01:13:15,215 --> 01:13:18,251
Or if I go into a store and
make a few people laugh,

1741
01:13:18,251 --> 01:13:19,452
I'm happy.

1742
01:13:19,452 --> 01:13:21,749
But that doesn't necessarily
make you want to seek it out

1743
01:13:21,749 --> 01:13:23,586
because it's like, it's weird.

1744
01:13:24,721 --> 01:13:25,995
I know when I was
writing my book,

1745
01:13:25,995 --> 01:13:28,261
every time I wrote a story,
I was like,

1746
01:13:28,261 --> 01:13:29,955
goddamn that feels great.

1747
01:13:29,955 --> 01:13:31,891
You know, not for any reason,

1748
01:13:31,891 --> 01:13:34,894
but just like feeling like
you accomplished something.

1749
01:13:34,894 --> 01:13:37,600
(upbeat music)

1750
01:13:44,675 --> 01:13:47,808
Censor! Censor!

1751
01:14:08,699 --> 01:14:10,237
That my friend,

1752
01:14:11,073 --> 01:14:12,899
is how to end the
night of comedy.

1753
01:14:19,842 --> 01:14:20,508
Couple's in the living room.

1754
01:14:20,508 --> 01:14:21,375
He says, "You're dry tonight."

1755
01:14:21,375 --> 01:14:23,481
She says, "You're
licking the rug."

1756
01:14:26,519 --> 01:14:28,750
Why don't witches
wear panties?

1757
01:14:29,486 --> 01:14:31,588
To get a better grip
on the broom.

1758
01:14:34,461 --> 01:14:38,298
A priest, a rabbi, and a
reverend walk in to a bar

1759
01:14:38,298 --> 01:14:40,531
and the bartender goes,
"Is this a joke?"

1760
01:14:47,342 --> 01:14:50,002
How do you tell when an
auto mechanic has had sex?

1761
01:14:50,002 --> 01:14:51,608
One of his fingers are clean.

1762
01:14:53,073 --> 01:14:55,843
What do you get when you
cross a penis with a porcupine?

1763
01:14:55,843 --> 01:14:58,483
An armadildo?

1764
01:14:58,483 --> 01:15:00,815
What do you call an
Italian slum?

1765
01:15:00,815 --> 01:15:02,322
A spaghetto.

1766
01:15:02,322 --> 01:15:05,424
What's the difference
between concern and panic?

1767
01:15:06,293 --> 01:15:08,394
Concern is the first
time you can't get it up

1768
01:15:08,394 --> 01:15:09,857
the second time.

1769
01:15:09,857 --> 01:15:12,959
Panic is the second time you
can't get it up the first time.

1770
01:15:13,695 --> 01:15:17,304
What did the elephant
say to the naked man?

1771
01:15:18,835 --> 01:15:20,769
How do you breathe
through that thing?

1772
01:15:22,674 --> 01:15:25,114
My wife had a face lift
and I had enough leftover

1773
01:15:25,114 --> 01:15:26,973
to make me two pair of
cowboy boots.

1774
01:15:29,615 --> 01:15:31,780
Why do golfers wear two
pairs of pants?

1775
01:15:31,780 --> 01:15:33,584
In case they get a hole in one.

1776
01:15:33,584 --> 01:15:35,982
Guys carrying two watermelons, right?

1777
01:15:35,982 --> 01:15:37,918
Guy walks up to him and
says, "What time is it?"

1778
01:15:37,918 --> 01:15:38,919
The guy goes.