1 00:00:22,211 --> 00:00:24,850 So this is, like, where the South County bus stops. 2 00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:26,820 Yeah, one time I saw this kid get off 3 00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:28,023 with a ferret on a leash. 4 00:00:28,023 --> 00:00:29,760 Yeah, and the guy who drives the bus, Mr. Fargas, 5 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,429 he used to be my soccer coach, 6 00:00:31,429 --> 00:00:34,035 and he said that I wasn't gonna amount to anything, 7 00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:36,507 that I was ill-behaved, and that I ran weird. 8 00:00:36,507 --> 00:00:39,212 Yeah, but then soccer and art got canceled at our school, 9 00:00:39,212 --> 00:00:40,982 and now Fargas is driving a bus, 10 00:00:40,982 --> 00:00:42,919 so, you know, who's the loser now, Farg? 11 00:00:42,919 --> 00:00:44,455 Here it comes! 12 00:00:44,455 --> 00:00:45,592 Go, go, go, go! 13 00:00:49,866 --> 00:00:51,604 Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. 14 00:00:54,610 --> 00:00:56,614 (laughter) 15 00:00:56,614 --> 00:00:58,016 Ah, yes! 16 00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,020 - Yes! Oh, my God! - KELLY: He's gonna get us! 17 00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:03,026 SHRUB: Run! Take that, Fargas! 18 00:01:03,026 --> 00:01:04,395 Oh, my God! 19 00:01:04,395 --> 00:01:06,032 KELLY: So Shrub's actually not just my cousin. 20 00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:07,769 - He's also my best friend. - Yeah. 21 00:01:07,769 --> 00:01:09,071 Tell 'em why. 22 00:01:09,071 --> 00:01:10,875 Uh, he's the only person I can share 23 00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:13,079 - a bucket of Munchkins with. - Bingo. 24 00:01:13,079 --> 00:01:15,050 - Don't take a chocolate. - SHRUB: I'm not. 25 00:01:15,050 --> 00:01:16,520 KELLY: So I like the chocolate ones. 26 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,760 I love the butternut ones, but I hate the cinnamon ones, 27 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:20,895 and Shrub inhales those. 28 00:01:20,895 --> 00:01:22,331 And, like, it's, like, not, 'cause I love 29 00:01:22,331 --> 00:01:25,505 the cinnamon ones so much. I just feel sorry for 'em. 30 00:01:25,505 --> 00:01:26,306 Yeah. 31 00:01:26,306 --> 00:01:27,575 'Cause they're always left. 32 00:01:30,047 --> 00:01:31,650 I like the underdog. 33 00:01:37,261 --> 00:01:38,631 FATHER JOE: Well, the church moved me here 34 00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:41,469 about eight months ago from Minneapolis, yeah. 35 00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:45,177 Bit of a change, you know. Big responsibility. 36 00:01:45,177 --> 00:01:47,247 But I've really grown fond of the people here. 37 00:01:47,247 --> 00:01:49,385 - Shrub and Kelly, um... - (laughs) 38 00:01:49,385 --> 00:01:51,222 FATHER JOE: Look, it's not easy 39 00:01:51,222 --> 00:01:53,126 being a young adult these days. 40 00:01:53,126 --> 00:01:54,028 These kids, they need guidance. 41 00:01:54,028 --> 00:01:55,397 This is my bike! 42 00:01:55,397 --> 00:01:59,271 I'm normally "Reverend," but they call me Father Joe. 43 00:01:59,271 --> 00:02:02,812 Sometimes I feel like their dad... 44 00:02:02,812 --> 00:02:06,185 proud, concerned. 45 00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:08,023 Father Joe, why don't you, uh, [bleep]? 46 00:02:08,023 --> 00:02:10,595 (laughs) [bleep]. 47 00:02:10,595 --> 00:02:13,768 But anyway, they're--they're making great progress. 48 00:02:13,768 --> 00:02:15,905 And they've gotten a lot better in their cursing too. 49 00:02:15,905 --> 00:02:18,844 I think this week we had two [bleep]s. 50 00:02:18,844 --> 00:02:20,447 I'm sorry. 51 00:02:20,447 --> 00:02:23,954 Are you the crew that's filming that movie about us? 52 00:02:23,954 --> 00:02:25,758 Ah, man, come on, all right, okay. 53 00:02:25,758 --> 00:02:27,027 So where--where you staying? 54 00:02:27,027 --> 00:02:28,496 Don't tell me it's Norma's B&B 55 00:02:28,496 --> 00:02:30,300 because I'ma tell you right now, 56 00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:32,505 the Bs stand for "bedbugs," 57 00:02:32,505 --> 00:02:36,747 and the Norma stands for "not normal at all." 58 00:02:36,747 --> 00:02:37,916 I don't want you getting 59 00:02:37,916 --> 00:02:39,318 the wrong impression of Flatch. 60 00:02:39,318 --> 00:02:41,089 We are an upstanding town, 61 00:02:41,089 --> 00:02:43,326 and we deserve some damn attention. 62 00:02:43,326 --> 00:02:46,567 We got two restaurants, one with menus, 63 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:49,238 and last year, someone gave birth to twins. 64 00:02:49,238 --> 00:02:53,013 So now we got young people all over the place. 65 00:02:53,013 --> 00:02:55,518 The young people are our future. 66 00:02:55,518 --> 00:02:56,252 You know? 67 00:02:56,252 --> 00:02:58,958 KELLY: Hey, Mandy. 68 00:02:58,958 --> 00:03:00,193 MANDY: Not them though. 69 00:03:00,193 --> 00:03:02,197 Walking disappointments. 70 00:03:02,197 --> 00:03:04,569 Yes, Flatch does have some colorful characters, 71 00:03:04,569 --> 00:03:06,406 but, you know, it's part of its charm. 72 00:03:06,406 --> 00:03:10,147 (screaming) I'll miss you, Father! 73 00:03:10,147 --> 00:03:12,652 You guys, we're-- we're filming, here. 74 00:03:12,652 --> 00:03:13,754 (retching) 75 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:23,139 SHRUB: The Scarecrow Festival is pretty much, like, 76 00:03:23,139 --> 00:03:25,010 the biggest and best day of the year. 77 00:03:25,010 --> 00:03:26,245 KELLY: People make scarecrows, 78 00:03:26,245 --> 00:03:27,515 they put them up all over town, 79 00:03:27,515 --> 00:03:29,351 and everyone votes for which one's best. 80 00:03:29,351 --> 00:03:30,454 And you are looking at the winner. 81 00:03:30,521 --> 00:03:33,226 Like, I have a killer design and a prime location this year 82 00:03:33,226 --> 00:03:34,395 right on the green. 83 00:03:34,462 --> 00:03:37,101 Like, that guy with that spot last year won the whole thing, 84 00:03:37,101 --> 00:03:38,336 and his was pretty much, like, 85 00:03:38,336 --> 00:03:41,008 some frickin' used clothes and twine. 86 00:03:41,008 --> 00:03:42,377 Winner gets a hot air balloon ride. 87 00:03:42,377 --> 00:03:43,514 Yeah, and you're on the front page 88 00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:45,585 - of the "Flatch Patriot." - It's so dumb. 89 00:03:45,585 --> 00:03:48,490 Oh, and you throwing a frying pan in the air isn't? 90 00:03:48,490 --> 00:03:51,162 "A," the skillet toss takes real skill. 91 00:03:51,162 --> 00:03:54,068 B, there's a trophy. 92 00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:55,938 Fine, I will take my nan on the balloon. 93 00:03:55,938 --> 00:03:57,474 I don't care. 94 00:03:57,474 --> 00:03:59,579 She doesn't even like heights, and you know that. 95 00:03:59,579 --> 00:04:01,182 I'm about to be in the mile high club 96 00:04:01,182 --> 00:04:03,019 with my grandma while you're on the ground, 97 00:04:03,019 --> 00:04:04,422 crying like a little baby. 98 00:04:04,422 --> 00:04:06,627 I haven't cried since last year, and you know that! 99 00:04:07,294 --> 00:04:08,496 KELLY: Well, a skillet toss is where you take 100 00:04:08,496 --> 00:04:11,537 a 5-pound pan, bigger than this one, okay, 101 00:04:11,537 --> 00:04:14,475 and you chuck it as far as you possibly can. 102 00:04:15,578 --> 00:04:18,984 I think it came from, like, when the pioneer ladies 103 00:04:18,984 --> 00:04:20,788 would throw things at their kids. 104 00:04:20,788 --> 00:04:23,393 Wait, or the Indians? I don't kn--look it up. 105 00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,096 You can look it up. 106 00:04:25,096 --> 00:04:27,067 My dad won it seven years in a row 107 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,236 till he blew his knee out. 108 00:04:28,236 --> 00:04:29,639 Really opened up the field. 109 00:04:29,639 --> 00:04:31,442 My dad and I are super close, so... 110 00:04:31,442 --> 00:04:33,279 time to get the gold skillet 111 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:35,885 back to the Mallet family where it belongs. 112 00:04:35,885 --> 00:04:37,622 Okay, so, like, most people, 113 00:04:37,622 --> 00:04:39,626 they just, like, free-form the whole body. 114 00:04:39,626 --> 00:04:42,131 That's, like--that's amateur if you ask me. 115 00:04:42,131 --> 00:04:44,503 Like, I actually make sure that my scarecrow 116 00:04:44,503 --> 00:04:48,978 has the correct ratio of arm length to head span. 117 00:04:48,978 --> 00:04:52,251 Also, real shoes. 118 00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,623 This is what we call a crowd-pleaser. 119 00:04:54,623 --> 00:04:57,662 See, I don't like crowds. I'm not safe in them. 120 00:04:57,662 --> 00:05:01,169 I have a lot of enemies just like my dad, right? 121 00:05:01,169 --> 00:05:03,106 That's why I have my gang to protect me. 122 00:05:03,106 --> 00:05:05,377 SHRUB: Kelly has this group of seventh-grade kids 123 00:05:05,377 --> 00:05:07,014 she hangs out with, and this, like, 124 00:05:07,014 --> 00:05:08,584 freakishly big one from fifth. 125 00:05:08,584 --> 00:05:11,189 Okay, all I want is it to look like it's chairs in a circle 126 00:05:11,189 --> 00:05:12,391 and everything else cleared out. 127 00:05:12,391 --> 00:05:13,594 Does that make sense? 128 00:05:13,594 --> 00:05:16,600 And let's just get better at knowing my needs a little bit. 129 00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:19,238 KELLY: So his real name's actually Lloyd. 130 00:05:19,238 --> 00:05:20,675 Yeah, after my dad. 131 00:05:20,675 --> 00:05:22,545 Yeah, his dad drank a lot of Busch beer, 132 00:05:22,545 --> 00:05:23,948 so they started calling him Busch. 133 00:05:23,948 --> 00:05:26,052 Yeah, and so they started calling me Shrub, 134 00:05:26,052 --> 00:05:28,624 for, like, a little bush. 135 00:05:28,624 --> 00:05:32,164 But, like, he left when I was a baby, so... 136 00:05:32,164 --> 00:05:34,034 Yeah, but I bet he still drinks beer. 137 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,905 Yeah. 138 00:05:35,905 --> 00:05:38,176 Hey! Screw you too! 139 00:05:38,176 --> 00:05:40,615 KELLY: Hey, Big Mandy. What's goin' on? 140 00:05:40,615 --> 00:05:42,719 You know that blind guy that lives up the road? 141 00:05:42,719 --> 00:05:45,490 - Blind Billy? - Just walked right into me. 142 00:05:45,490 --> 00:05:47,695 Almost knocked off Colin's scare 'fro. 143 00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:49,198 KELLY: You doin' the scarecrow contest? 144 00:05:49,198 --> 00:05:50,635 No skillet toss? 145 00:05:50,635 --> 00:05:53,172 Of course I'm doin' the skillet toss. 146 00:05:53,172 --> 00:05:54,509 KELLY: Okay. 147 00:05:56,947 --> 00:05:58,817 Big Mandy's a lot. 148 00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,287 Who's a lot? 149 00:06:00,287 --> 00:06:02,692 - B--Blind Billy. - MANDY: Yeah, he is. 150 00:06:04,729 --> 00:06:07,301 - Seriously, such a weirdo. - So... 151 00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:09,305 Who's a weirdo? 152 00:06:09,305 --> 00:06:12,077 Sh--Shrub. 153 00:06:12,077 --> 00:06:15,818 (chuckles) Yeah, no kiddin'. 154 00:06:15,818 --> 00:06:18,156 (chuckles) 155 00:06:18,156 --> 00:06:20,260 Crazy. What? 156 00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:21,863 That's... 157 00:06:21,863 --> 00:06:23,667 Damn right, I am! 158 00:06:27,207 --> 00:06:29,646 (whispering) She has good hearing. 159 00:06:37,027 --> 00:06:38,897 (laughter) 160 00:06:38,897 --> 00:06:40,935 (big band music) 161 00:06:40,935 --> 00:06:42,170 FATHER JOE: This is one of the things 162 00:06:42,170 --> 00:06:43,473 that I love about Flatch. 163 00:06:43,473 --> 00:06:44,576 They are really into their festivals. 164 00:06:44,576 --> 00:06:45,544 This guy! This guy's a legend! 165 00:06:45,544 --> 00:06:46,847 Okay, simmer down, guys. 166 00:06:46,847 --> 00:06:49,218 - Legend in the hizz-ouse! - Bad touch, don't do that. 167 00:06:49,218 --> 00:06:50,186 Tell them about the time when we drank 168 00:06:50,186 --> 00:06:51,289 all the cherry wine coolers! 169 00:06:51,289 --> 00:06:53,493 Yeah, he had to take us to get our stomachs pumped! 170 00:06:53,493 --> 00:06:55,263 - Yeah, that wasn't funny. - Oh, but it was! 171 00:06:55,263 --> 00:06:56,566 - It was very scary. - He loves golf. 172 00:06:56,566 --> 00:06:57,802 I do. I do enjoy golf. 173 00:06:57,802 --> 00:07:01,008 Yes, and Chris Pine. He pines for the Pine! 174 00:07:01,008 --> 00:07:02,210 I don't. That's not-- 175 00:07:02,210 --> 00:07:03,580 - [bleep] yeah, you do! - Oh, yes you do! 176 00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:05,584 Kelly, another dollar in the church box. 177 00:07:07,387 --> 00:07:10,226 - Hi, Joe. - Cheryl. 178 00:07:10,226 --> 00:07:14,168 Cheryl, legend! 179 00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:15,838 And they used to date. 180 00:07:15,838 --> 00:07:19,378 Oh, uh, I moved here with Joe when he got the job. 181 00:07:19,378 --> 00:07:23,052 Uh, I was a reporter at the "Star Tribune." 182 00:07:23,052 --> 00:07:25,156 Mm-hmm. 183 00:07:25,156 --> 00:07:27,427 Yeah, then he dumped me. (chuckles) 184 00:07:27,427 --> 00:07:31,637 He said he needed space to focus on the church, 185 00:07:31,637 --> 00:07:33,540 and you can't compete with God. 186 00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:35,544 Yeah, I thought I'd move back to the city after, 187 00:07:35,544 --> 00:07:37,414 but, I don't know; this place kind of grew on me, 188 00:07:37,414 --> 00:07:38,717 you know? 189 00:07:38,717 --> 00:07:40,721 And besides, if I hadn't moved to Flatch, 190 00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,391 I never would have become the editor 191 00:07:42,391 --> 00:07:46,198 of the "Flatch Patriot," which has a circulation of 535-- 192 00:07:46,198 --> 00:07:47,669 and rising. 193 00:07:47,669 --> 00:07:49,673 So it all worked out, you know? 194 00:07:49,673 --> 00:07:53,112 Joe got God, and, uh, apparently Tinder. 195 00:07:53,112 --> 00:07:56,352 And, um, you know, I got my own newspaper. 196 00:07:56,352 --> 00:07:58,891 How cool is that? (chuckles) 197 00:07:58,891 --> 00:08:01,930 (sobs) 198 00:08:01,930 --> 00:08:03,867 (laughter) 199 00:08:03,867 --> 00:08:06,038 We're not allowed to bounce anymore. 200 00:08:06,038 --> 00:08:07,407 It's a long story. 201 00:08:07,407 --> 00:08:09,512 - His fault. - Yeah. 202 00:08:09,512 --> 00:08:12,184 Hey, that's my dad! 203 00:08:12,184 --> 00:08:14,221 - Dad! - Ugh. 204 00:08:15,591 --> 00:08:18,463 - Hey. - How have you been, Dad? 205 00:08:18,463 --> 00:08:21,068 Oh, you know, changing diapers, 206 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,304 busy with the baby. 207 00:08:22,304 --> 00:08:23,707 - Guess what. - What? 208 00:08:23,707 --> 00:08:26,813 I'm doin' the skillet toss. Gonna win it back for us. 209 00:08:26,813 --> 00:08:30,053 - Big Mandy's not competing? - No, she is. 210 00:08:30,053 --> 00:08:31,455 Oh. (chuckles) 211 00:08:31,455 --> 00:08:33,059 Good luck with that, Kel. 212 00:08:36,499 --> 00:08:38,670 Do you wanna hang out maybe a night coming up? 213 00:08:40,574 --> 00:08:42,545 It's really not a great time. 214 00:08:42,545 --> 00:08:45,016 Yeah, you're babied up. I get that. 215 00:08:45,016 --> 00:08:46,018 Yeah. 216 00:08:48,924 --> 00:08:51,630 I better get her back. Jessie'll kick my ass. 217 00:08:51,630 --> 00:08:53,232 She couldn't if she tried. 218 00:08:57,642 --> 00:09:00,180 I'm gonna bring the gold back to the Mallets, Dad! 219 00:09:08,096 --> 00:09:09,799 That was my dad! 220 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:12,672 Uh, that is where you get your voting sheets. 221 00:09:12,672 --> 00:09:15,711 Um, that is the plant stall. 222 00:09:15,711 --> 00:09:17,815 Uh, don't buy anything from him 223 00:09:17,815 --> 00:09:19,384 'cause it will die in a week. 224 00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:20,554 Trust me. 225 00:09:20,554 --> 00:09:21,957 This is Alice. 226 00:09:21,957 --> 00:09:23,961 Uh, she makes her own soap, but she doesn't bathe, 227 00:09:23,961 --> 00:09:26,633 - so that's what I call irony. - Yeah. 228 00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:29,672 Oh, this is Len. He's a weird, mean, old man. 229 00:09:29,672 --> 00:09:31,910 - Oh, yeah? - Oh, see? 230 00:09:31,910 --> 00:09:35,718 Hey, hey, Beth's back from "cosmetology" school. 231 00:09:36,987 --> 00:09:39,726 Looks like they didn't teach her how to fix her own hair. 232 00:09:40,226 --> 00:09:41,429 She's beautiful. 233 00:09:41,429 --> 00:09:43,166 He has a massive crush on Beth. 234 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,234 Dude! 235 00:09:44,234 --> 00:09:45,971 She has the personality of a diaper wipe. 236 00:09:45,971 --> 00:09:47,775 First semester of cosmetology school 237 00:09:47,775 --> 00:09:49,913 you learn sanitation procedures. 238 00:09:49,913 --> 00:09:52,685 Next semester we get to touch real human hair, 239 00:09:52,685 --> 00:09:55,691 but touching real people with real human hair 240 00:09:55,691 --> 00:09:57,895 isn't until year two. 241 00:09:57,895 --> 00:09:59,866 Problem is there are, like, no people 242 00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,570 in this town to get crushes on. 243 00:10:01,570 --> 00:10:03,807 Uh, Beth is objectively foxy. 244 00:10:03,807 --> 00:10:07,615 Um, also I did Match, and it put me with her, 245 00:10:07,615 --> 00:10:09,786 and the next-closest girl was in Indiana. 246 00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:11,656 - That's way too far. - Way too far. 247 00:10:11,656 --> 00:10:13,527 She's about to be wicked impressed 248 00:10:13,527 --> 00:10:15,363 with my big win. 249 00:10:15,363 --> 00:10:17,000 Yeah, this is just lazy. 250 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,704 I mean, if you can't be bothered to make real hands, 251 00:10:18,704 --> 00:10:20,206 you don't deserve to be here. 252 00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:20,975 Simple as that. 253 00:10:20,975 --> 00:10:22,410 Technically not even a scarecrow 254 00:10:22,410 --> 00:10:23,714 because there's no hay in it. 255 00:10:23,714 --> 00:10:26,218 It's just a rag on a stick. 256 00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:27,788 Embarrassing. 257 00:10:28,557 --> 00:10:29,759 I mean, I get it, 258 00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,863 but it's not making me feel anything. 259 00:10:31,863 --> 00:10:36,305 Hey, hey! Scrub, hey! 260 00:10:37,575 --> 00:10:39,011 Mickey and me were born on the same day 261 00:10:39,011 --> 00:10:41,415 at the same hospital, so ever since we were babies, 262 00:10:41,415 --> 00:10:43,219 he thinks we're best friends. 263 00:10:43,219 --> 00:10:44,756 Calls me his bro. 264 00:10:44,756 --> 00:10:45,825 MICKEY: No donation is too big... 265 00:10:45,825 --> 00:10:47,728 (coins rattle) Or too small! 266 00:10:47,728 --> 00:10:49,866 Dude, the Fourth of July is, like, eight months away. 267 00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:52,337 Yeah, and I don't have any cash on me. 268 00:10:52,337 --> 00:10:54,007 Yeah, also I hate fireworks. 269 00:10:54,007 --> 00:10:56,011 Everyone loves the Flatch fireworks, my bro. 270 00:10:56,011 --> 00:10:57,047 Oh, okay. 271 00:10:57,113 --> 00:10:58,449 And if you don't have cash, you can always donate 272 00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,786 in cryptocurrency. 273 00:10:59,786 --> 00:11:02,658 Yeah, Mickey, we'll totally pay you in made-up money. 274 00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:04,027 (whispering) So sad. 275 00:11:04,027 --> 00:11:06,198 I've been trading Bitcoin for, like, a year now. 276 00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:07,267 Made $1,000. 277 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,008 Ooh, minus the money I spent on the bunting for my stall. 278 00:11:11,008 --> 00:11:14,214 Oh, and the 50 I set aside for Shrub's birthday present. 279 00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,420 (whispers) It's an iguana. 280 00:11:17,420 --> 00:11:19,057 Don't tell my bro. 281 00:11:19,057 --> 00:11:20,561 Do you wanna come over later and "Fortnite"? 282 00:11:20,561 --> 00:11:21,630 Yeah, no. 283 00:11:21,630 --> 00:11:22,765 We are not friends. 284 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,502 He's just the only person in town 285 00:11:24,502 --> 00:11:25,504 with a working PlayStation. 286 00:11:25,504 --> 00:11:26,640 - Yes! - Oh, yeah! 287 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:29,244 - Oh! - God. 288 00:11:29,244 --> 00:11:31,248 How are you doing it? 289 00:11:33,019 --> 00:11:34,722 ROBOT SCARECROW: Beep, beep, boop, bop, bop. 290 00:11:34,722 --> 00:11:36,091 Oh, that's hilarious! 291 00:11:36,091 --> 00:11:38,931 Yeah, that's not a scarecrow. That is a talking box. 292 00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:42,103 ROBOT SCARECROW: Candy apples do not compute! 293 00:11:42,103 --> 00:11:43,372 Do not compute. 294 00:11:43,372 --> 00:11:44,943 Who is that? Who is that? 295 00:11:44,943 --> 00:11:46,746 ROBOT SCARECROW: Beep, beep, bop, bop. 296 00:11:46,746 --> 00:11:48,449 Why does the scarecrow have a robot voice? 297 00:11:48,449 --> 00:11:51,255 ROBOT SCARECROW: Because I am a robot. 298 00:11:51,255 --> 00:11:53,426 (laughter) 299 00:11:56,666 --> 00:11:59,071 Kelly, hey. 300 00:11:59,071 --> 00:12:00,975 Have you considered joining the Historical Society? 301 00:12:00,975 --> 00:12:03,647 Because, you know, for just $25, 302 00:12:03,647 --> 00:12:05,818 you can preserve Flatch's great past 303 00:12:05,818 --> 00:12:07,420 and secure its future. 304 00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:08,924 Mm, no, Nadine. 305 00:12:08,924 --> 00:12:10,961 I have not considered joining the society 306 00:12:10,961 --> 00:12:13,967 - because I'm not 75 years old. - NADINE: And you don't look it. 307 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,071 Ooh, ooh, be really careful, really old. 308 00:12:16,071 --> 00:12:18,677 Believe it or not, in second grade, 309 00:12:18,677 --> 00:12:20,681 Kelly and I were, like, best friends, 310 00:12:20,681 --> 00:12:23,219 but I guess I kept achieving 311 00:12:23,219 --> 00:12:26,860 and she just never did achieve anything at all. 312 00:12:26,860 --> 00:12:29,064 I consider Colonel Robert Flatch 313 00:12:29,064 --> 00:12:30,834 to be my personal mentor 'cause, you know, 314 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,707 he was just 25 when he founded this town in 1810. 315 00:12:33,707 --> 00:12:35,878 25 years old. It's such a funny story. 316 00:12:35,878 --> 00:12:37,915 Colonel Flatch gets lost one night with his regiment, 317 00:12:37,915 --> 00:12:40,888 and he ends up right here, it turns out, 318 00:12:40,888 --> 00:12:42,858 where they built this latrine. 319 00:12:42,858 --> 00:12:44,729 That one, right there. 320 00:12:44,729 --> 00:12:46,733 Just to think, one whole town 321 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:48,704 started with one little hole. 322 00:12:48,704 --> 00:12:50,841 It gives me chills to think about it. 323 00:12:50,841 --> 00:12:52,010 Anyway, it's my job to protect it 324 00:12:52,010 --> 00:12:54,047 because, at town events, unfortunately, 325 00:12:54,047 --> 00:12:56,085 people like to use it as a Porta Potti. 326 00:12:56,085 --> 00:12:59,057 Almost there. Time for the unveiling. 327 00:12:59,057 --> 00:13:03,432 It's a prime spot, and I am ready. 328 00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:06,205 Uh, this is my spot. 329 00:13:06,205 --> 00:13:10,948 I'm sorry, Shrub, but I was given this area. 330 00:13:12,718 --> 00:13:15,858 No, I signed up for that spot with Mrs. Wicks months ago. 331 00:13:15,858 --> 00:13:17,662 I'm sorry, Shrub. That's not what the map says. 332 00:13:17,662 --> 00:13:20,033 No, God, Beth has to see me win. 333 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,035 And that's not even a scarecrow. 334 00:13:21,035 --> 00:13:22,304 That is a teddy bear in a hat. 335 00:13:22,304 --> 00:13:23,205 (crow caws) 336 00:13:23,205 --> 00:13:26,211 Oh, my God! Even the crows can see that! 337 00:13:26,211 --> 00:13:28,550 Well, it says here that you're at Piswall Farm. 338 00:13:29,151 --> 00:13:31,990 There is no way in hell I'm going there. 339 00:13:35,396 --> 00:13:36,866 Unbelievable. 340 00:13:42,611 --> 00:13:46,385 You know how they, like, release a McRib in February, 341 00:13:46,385 --> 00:13:47,688 and you get all excited, 342 00:13:47,688 --> 00:13:50,694 and then they just take it away like it never happened? 343 00:13:50,694 --> 00:13:53,667 Like, that's how I feel right now... 344 00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:54,836 betrayed. 345 00:13:54,836 --> 00:13:56,773 Did you tell people to come vote for me? 346 00:13:56,773 --> 00:13:58,910 Can you help me look for my sneaker, please? 347 00:13:58,910 --> 00:14:00,714 Your shoe does not weigh as much as a skillet. 348 00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:02,050 There's, like, no comparison. 349 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,319 Okay, I told everyone to come, 350 00:14:03,319 --> 00:14:05,056 but everyone's really into the robot scarecrow. 351 00:14:05,056 --> 00:14:06,325 Oh, my God, there's no such thing 352 00:14:06,325 --> 00:14:09,398 as a robot scarecrow! There are no crows in space! 353 00:14:09,398 --> 00:14:10,133 Oh, check it out. 354 00:14:10,299 --> 00:14:11,903 I got a video of it twerking. It's insane. 355 00:14:11,903 --> 00:14:13,305 - (laughing) - (remixed banjo music playing) 356 00:14:13,305 --> 00:14:16,345 (sarcastically) Whoa, wow. That's really awesome! 357 00:14:16,345 --> 00:14:17,080 Are you kidding me? 358 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:18,884 Father Joe's been working 359 00:14:18,884 --> 00:14:19,986 with Shrub on his anger issues. 360 00:14:19,986 --> 00:14:22,858 He actually, uh, signed him up for this online class, 361 00:14:22,858 --> 00:14:24,962 but then Shrub sent the teacher 362 00:14:24,962 --> 00:14:26,966 a bunch of middle finger emojis, 363 00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:28,335 so that was that. 364 00:14:31,543 --> 00:14:33,714 (phone ringing) 365 00:14:33,714 --> 00:14:36,318 Wait. 366 00:14:36,318 --> 00:14:38,557 Levi? 367 00:14:38,557 --> 00:14:41,462 What? Now? 368 00:14:45,436 --> 00:14:46,806 Ugh! 369 00:14:46,806 --> 00:14:48,409 They moved skillet toss time up! 370 00:14:48,409 --> 00:14:49,111 What? 371 00:14:49,111 --> 00:14:51,816 They moved skillet toss time up! 372 00:14:51,816 --> 00:14:53,754 - Why? - More people signed up. 373 00:14:53,754 --> 00:14:56,425 Oh, my God! No, puddle, ah! 374 00:14:56,425 --> 00:14:58,663 (laughs) 375 00:14:58,663 --> 00:15:00,601 Well, I'm young at heart, you know? 376 00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:03,607 (laughs) How old are you? 377 00:15:03,607 --> 00:15:06,445 June, who just signed up? 378 00:15:06,445 --> 00:15:08,550 NADINE: It was I. 379 00:15:08,550 --> 00:15:09,652 Oh, my God. 380 00:15:09,652 --> 00:15:11,388 I thought it was someone who could actually beat me. 381 00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:14,227 Oh, Nadine beats Kelly at, like, everything. 382 00:15:14,227 --> 00:15:16,866 In second grade, it was Little Miss Flatch. 383 00:15:16,866 --> 00:15:20,473 In fourth grade, she won the pie eating contest... 384 00:15:20,473 --> 00:15:22,076 against Kelly. 385 00:15:22,076 --> 00:15:24,181 And then eighth grade, 386 00:15:24,181 --> 00:15:26,151 Kelly asked Dylan Parney to the school dance, 387 00:15:26,151 --> 00:15:28,757 and then he married Nadine. 388 00:15:28,757 --> 00:15:30,293 Okay, Kelly, Maybe if you had a job, 389 00:15:30,293 --> 00:15:32,898 winning a little contest wouldn't matter so much. 390 00:15:32,898 --> 00:15:34,367 I have a job. I'm an influencer. 391 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,203 Heard of it? 392 00:15:35,303 --> 00:15:37,741 Oh, that's great. Who are you influencing? 393 00:15:37,741 --> 00:15:40,747 Uh, Levi, Nathan S, Nathan G for starters. 394 00:15:40,747 --> 00:15:41,950 NADINE: Oh, the little kids. 395 00:15:41,950 --> 00:15:43,753 Hey, somebody's ready for their lunch. 396 00:15:43,753 --> 00:15:44,989 Okay, well, 397 00:15:44,989 --> 00:15:46,391 I left you a Lean Cuisine on the counter, Dylan. 398 00:15:46,391 --> 00:15:47,728 I told you that. 399 00:15:47,728 --> 00:15:49,632 - I meant the baby. - Oh. 400 00:15:50,634 --> 00:15:52,203 Hey, Kelly. Good luck today. 401 00:15:52,203 --> 00:15:53,940 Good luck to you too. Thank you. 402 00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:56,245 Okay, give me Chantal. Dylan, careful. 403 00:15:57,313 --> 00:16:00,153 Is she going to breastfeed in the latrine? 404 00:16:00,888 --> 00:16:02,958 Last night she did it on the StairMaster. 405 00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:05,329 - Wow. - Yeah. 406 00:16:13,245 --> 00:16:16,185 Take as many potatoes as you want, son. 407 00:16:17,822 --> 00:16:20,861 Uh, whoa, you fill out your voting form? 408 00:16:20,861 --> 00:16:23,533 Let me see. Shrub Mallet, first place. 409 00:16:24,869 --> 00:16:27,240 all: Oh! 410 00:16:28,910 --> 00:16:31,381 Get out of my field! 411 00:16:32,785 --> 00:16:34,387 Pass your ballots! 412 00:16:34,387 --> 00:16:37,026 You gave away Mr. Piswall's potatoes? 413 00:16:37,026 --> 00:16:38,763 No, people went in and took them! 414 00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:40,299 And he sold my pig for 50 bucks! 415 00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:43,205 No, I-- Lester gave me money, 416 00:16:43,205 --> 00:16:45,544 and then the pig followed him to his car. 417 00:16:46,078 --> 00:16:47,681 Shrub, I-- I'm going to need you 418 00:16:47,681 --> 00:16:49,050 to apologize to Mr. Piswall. 419 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,554 Why don't you apologize to me? 420 00:16:50,554 --> 00:16:53,092 Because you're the one who gave me the wrong, crappy location. 421 00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:56,098 - Are you calling my farm crap? - I am! 422 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,935 I run a pristine venture out there! 423 00:16:57,935 --> 00:16:59,304 Mm. 424 00:16:59,304 --> 00:17:02,845 And you and your friends go in there and muck it all up. 425 00:17:02,845 --> 00:17:04,882 Look at this, Father. Look at this. 426 00:17:04,882 --> 00:17:07,120 This was right in the middle of my field. 427 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,623 Oh, right, well, I have no idea whose that is. 428 00:17:08,623 --> 00:17:10,192 Yes! 429 00:17:10,928 --> 00:17:13,767 Shrub, apologize now. 430 00:17:16,471 --> 00:17:17,741 I'm sorry. 431 00:17:19,244 --> 00:17:21,749 - [bleep] happy now? - Oh, that's it! 432 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,185 You're disqualified. 433 00:17:23,185 --> 00:17:25,824 God, you should be thanking me for getting rid of that pig! 434 00:17:25,824 --> 00:17:27,126 It pooped everywhere. 435 00:17:27,126 --> 00:17:29,732 - Don't forget my 50 bucks. - SHRUB: Diarrhea farm! 436 00:17:29,732 --> 00:17:31,603 (grunts) 437 00:17:31,603 --> 00:17:33,573 He means well. 438 00:17:34,107 --> 00:17:35,243 KELLY: You were totally robbed. 439 00:17:35,243 --> 00:17:37,815 It's just I spent three months making this. 440 00:17:37,815 --> 00:17:39,351 I spent all my money on orchard grass 441 00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:40,988 - so my hay wouldn't get mites. - I know. 442 00:17:40,988 --> 00:17:44,060 It's just like--Beth. H-how's school? 443 00:17:44,060 --> 00:17:45,897 - Sanitary. - SHRUB: Oh. 444 00:17:45,897 --> 00:17:47,300 Hey, bro, let me help you with that! 445 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,807 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Are you kidding me, Mickey? 446 00:17:50,807 --> 00:17:52,778 - What? - God! 447 00:17:52,778 --> 00:17:54,180 See you tonight! Party at my place! 448 00:17:54,180 --> 00:17:56,251 Yeah, I'm not coming over! 449 00:17:56,251 --> 00:17:59,090 Hey, those potatoes had worms. 450 00:17:59,090 --> 00:18:01,161 Screw you. They were free! 451 00:18:01,161 --> 00:18:03,365 This whole town has it out for me! 452 00:18:03,365 --> 00:18:04,034 See? 453 00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:05,436 Mallets have enemies everywhere. 454 00:18:05,436 --> 00:18:08,142 CHERYL: Five minutes till the skillet toss! 455 00:18:08,142 --> 00:18:09,946 Okay, I'm gonna show them. Let's go! 456 00:18:09,946 --> 00:18:11,516 Hey, hey, put on your other shoe! 457 00:18:11,516 --> 00:18:12,350 Copy that! 458 00:18:12,450 --> 00:18:14,287 Hey, June, have you seen Shrub anywhere? 459 00:18:14,287 --> 00:18:16,091 I'm afraid I haven't. Is something wrong? 460 00:18:16,091 --> 00:18:17,460 Yeah, there was a mix-up. 461 00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:19,364 I ran into Mrs. Wicks, and it turns out 462 00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:21,335 she had given Shrub your location. 463 00:18:21,335 --> 00:18:23,305 She wrote it on the back of her pill prescription, 464 00:18:23,305 --> 00:18:25,142 and then she forgot to take her pills. 465 00:18:25,142 --> 00:18:28,382 Oh, dear, not again. Let me go ask Bessie. 466 00:18:30,286 --> 00:18:33,727 Joe, can you please change your Tinder profile pic 467 00:18:33,727 --> 00:18:34,929 from the one I took of you? 468 00:18:34,929 --> 00:18:36,031 That is just cruel. 469 00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:37,233 You're on Tinder? 470 00:18:37,233 --> 00:18:39,371 Yes, Joe, I am single now too. 471 00:18:39,371 --> 00:18:41,241 Wait, were you the picture of the Siamese cat 472 00:18:41,241 --> 00:18:43,479 in the overalls that swiped right on me? 473 00:18:43,479 --> 00:18:44,815 Mm-mm. 474 00:18:49,024 --> 00:18:50,359 (cowbell rings) 475 00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:53,900 Okay, let's give it up for Mandy Matthews. 476 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,837 (cheers and applause) 477 00:18:55,837 --> 00:18:57,340 Go, Mandy! 478 00:18:57,340 --> 00:19:00,212 MANDY: There's three things that get me focused: 479 00:19:00,212 --> 00:19:02,083 a spicy meat stick, 480 00:19:02,083 --> 00:19:04,154 my man Garth Brooks, here, 481 00:19:04,154 --> 00:19:06,491 and the third thing is proprietary. 482 00:19:14,709 --> 00:19:15,811 all: Ooh! 483 00:19:15,811 --> 00:19:17,013 (cheers and applause) 484 00:19:17,013 --> 00:19:21,388 CHERYL: That was a big one! Looks like that is 32 feet. 485 00:19:21,388 --> 00:19:23,993 - And 2 inches. - 2 inches. 486 00:19:23,993 --> 00:19:25,964 Good job, Mandy, okay. 487 00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:28,168 And now we have Kelly Mallet. 488 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:29,170 (cheers and applause) 489 00:19:29,170 --> 00:19:30,707 Raise it up! Raise it up! 490 00:19:30,707 --> 00:19:33,847 (cheers and applause) 491 00:19:41,428 --> 00:19:43,032 - (metal clanks) - MATT: (grunts) 492 00:19:43,032 --> 00:19:44,434 Oh, geez! 493 00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:45,737 FATHER JOE: Get EMS, EMS! 494 00:19:45,737 --> 00:19:47,273 Is he dead? 495 00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:48,409 SHRUB: Yeah, so the guy Kelly kneecapped, 496 00:19:48,409 --> 00:19:50,012 like, best friends with her dad. 497 00:19:50,012 --> 00:19:52,183 Like, they started a construction company together. 498 00:19:52,183 --> 00:19:54,855 This is, like, bad optics, as they say. 499 00:19:54,855 --> 00:19:58,362 MATT: (groaning) 500 00:20:05,142 --> 00:20:07,346 - Yes! - KELLY: Yeah, Nadine won. 501 00:20:07,346 --> 00:20:10,052 SHRUB: Yeah, but, like, no one saw, so, like, whatever. 502 00:20:10,052 --> 00:20:12,156 Hardly counts. 503 00:20:12,156 --> 00:20:15,897 Skillet toss winner goes to Nadine Parney! 504 00:20:15,897 --> 00:20:18,368 Okay, excuse me. Thank you. 505 00:20:18,368 --> 00:20:19,772 - I have a speech. - FATHER JOE: No. 506 00:20:19,772 --> 00:20:21,475 Thank you. 507 00:20:22,310 --> 00:20:24,314 Quite a throw, Kel. 508 00:20:24,314 --> 00:20:25,717 I didn't mean to take out Matt. 509 00:20:25,717 --> 00:20:29,324 Hell, don't apologize to me. Did me a favor. 510 00:20:29,324 --> 00:20:31,562 Guy tried to feel up Jessie at the Reef last week. 511 00:20:31,562 --> 00:20:33,465 If you hadn't clocked him, I would've. 512 00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:36,672 - Yeah? - You got a good arm, kid. 513 00:20:36,672 --> 00:20:39,110 - FATHER JOE: First place... - I got it from you. 514 00:20:39,110 --> 00:20:40,647 FATHER JOE: For the scarecrow award... 515 00:20:40,647 --> 00:20:42,283 Yeah, you did. 516 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,320 - (chuckles) - But your aim's for [bleep]. 517 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:45,891 FATHER JOE: Goes to... 518 00:20:45,891 --> 00:20:47,226 the robot scarecrow. 519 00:20:47,226 --> 00:20:48,797 See you, Pops. 520 00:20:48,797 --> 00:20:50,433 (cheers and applause) 521 00:20:50,433 --> 00:20:53,940 FATHER JOE: Well deserved. 522 00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:55,176 Great job. Okay, okay. 523 00:20:55,176 --> 00:20:57,213 No showboating. No showboating. 524 00:20:57,213 --> 00:21:00,352 Okay, go to the side. 525 00:21:00,352 --> 00:21:03,626 Now, I just want to give out a special award to someone 526 00:21:03,626 --> 00:21:07,500 whose creativity was head and shoulders above the rest. 527 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,941 Has anyone seen Shrub Mallet? 528 00:21:10,941 --> 00:21:13,212 Shrub, you out there? 529 00:21:13,212 --> 00:21:15,282 (people panicking indistinctly) 530 00:21:15,282 --> 00:21:17,186 FATHER JOE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 531 00:21:17,186 --> 00:21:19,825 (fire crackles) 532 00:21:19,825 --> 00:21:21,194 Whew! 533 00:21:21,194 --> 00:21:22,564 Someone call the fire department! 534 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,637 Not helping, June. 535 00:21:25,637 --> 00:21:27,608 Someone call the fire department! 536 00:21:29,144 --> 00:21:30,981 Oh, wow. Oh, geez. 537 00:21:30,981 --> 00:21:32,283 (fireworks pop and crackle) 538 00:21:32,283 --> 00:21:33,720 People, focus! 539 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,991 - Everybody, stay calm. - (rocket whistles) 540 00:21:35,991 --> 00:21:38,262 (robot scarecrow screaming) 541 00:21:38,262 --> 00:21:40,366 (explosion) 542 00:21:40,366 --> 00:21:41,602 - (cheering) - This is not part of it! 543 00:21:41,602 --> 00:21:42,971 (fireworks whistling and exploding) 544 00:21:42,971 --> 00:21:44,575 Stop cheering! 545 00:21:44,575 --> 00:21:46,178 - (cheers continue) - Stop cheering! 546 00:21:46,178 --> 00:21:48,015 Somebody could die! Focus! 547 00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:50,654 (cheers and applause) 548 00:21:53,392 --> 00:21:55,564 Okay, it's pretty great. 549 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,300 KELLY: So they actually ended up selling like a bunch 550 00:21:57,300 --> 00:21:59,772 of fireworks for Fourth of July after that. 551 00:22:01,408 --> 00:22:03,278 I mean, it was a pretty impressive show. 552 00:22:03,278 --> 00:22:06,051 Hot off the presses. Read it and weep. 553 00:22:06,051 --> 00:22:08,690 Beth is gonna want me so bad now. 554 00:22:08,690 --> 00:22:12,430 "Local Man Fires Up Festival." Okay, look at you! 555 00:22:12,430 --> 00:22:14,300 I mean, it's not the front page, but-- 556 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:16,171 Police blotter's always third page. 557 00:22:16,171 --> 00:22:17,173 You'll get front soon. 558 00:22:17,173 --> 00:22:18,977 Yeah. 559 00:22:18,977 --> 00:22:20,212 Where's Nadine's win? 560 00:22:20,212 --> 00:22:21,582 Uh, page five 561 00:22:21,582 --> 00:22:24,087 under "home care aides available." 562 00:22:24,087 --> 00:22:26,224 (laughter) 563 00:22:26,224 --> 00:22:28,028 Winners! 564 00:22:28,028 --> 00:22:29,899 Winners.