1 00:00:02,806 --> 00:00:05,812 (birds singing) 2 00:00:05,845 --> 00:00:08,149 (tractor chugging) 3 00:00:13,728 --> 00:00:16,934 Look, Cheryl should be allowed to date whomever she wants. 4 00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:19,071 I mean, we're not together anymore. 5 00:00:19,105 --> 00:00:20,975 My choice. But, uh... 6 00:00:21,042 --> 00:00:22,278 - JOE: I met the guy. - See ya, Joe-Joe. 7 00:00:22,344 --> 00:00:24,282 JOE: He seems like kind of a doofus. 8 00:00:24,348 --> 00:00:26,687 But again, not my business. 9 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,522 Oh, excuse me, sorry. 10 00:00:27,589 --> 00:00:29,693 - Hey, Shrub. - SHRUB: I didn't do it! 11 00:00:29,726 --> 00:00:31,630 Easy, I come in peace! 12 00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:35,404 Hey, look, I'm starting a computer class for the elderly, 13 00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:38,844 and I thought you might be willing to volunteer. 14 00:00:38,911 --> 00:00:40,247 I know what whizzes you kids are 15 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:41,382 with technology these days-- 16 00:00:41,449 --> 00:00:42,719 Did you get locked out of Facebook again? 17 00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:44,856 (chuckling) No. 18 00:00:44,890 --> 00:00:46,426 This is not for me, okay? 19 00:00:46,492 --> 00:00:49,365 I like to think of myself as not exactly elderly yet, 20 00:00:49,398 --> 00:00:51,269 although this could be a great chance for you 21 00:00:51,336 --> 00:00:54,108 - to meet the older generation. - How much does it pay? 22 00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:58,083 Well, "volunteer" means it does not pay. 23 00:00:58,149 --> 00:01:00,688 But I will provide juice. 24 00:01:00,755 --> 00:01:04,763 - What kind of juice? - Cranberry, apple-grape mix. 25 00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:06,299 I'm listening. 26 00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,270 Plus, I upgraded the church Wi-Fi to the supreme package-- 27 00:01:08,303 --> 00:01:10,541 Oh, my-- [bleep], yes. I'm in. 28 00:01:10,575 --> 00:01:14,282 The supreme Wi-Fi package is, like, the unicorn of Wi-Fi. 29 00:01:14,315 --> 00:01:16,152 The library had it for, like, five minutes, 30 00:01:16,219 --> 00:01:18,223 but people downloaded so much weird porn 31 00:01:18,290 --> 00:01:20,260 it actually broke the computer. 32 00:01:20,294 --> 00:01:23,099 It's so powerful, you can talk to the future. 33 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,170 Yeah, I had a great date with Jimmy. 34 00:01:25,203 --> 00:01:27,308 (chuckles) And, yes, he is from Pockton. 35 00:01:27,374 --> 00:01:29,045 Apparently, if you live in Flatch, 36 00:01:29,078 --> 00:01:30,180 you have to hate Pockton 37 00:01:30,247 --> 00:01:32,084 and anyone who deals with them. 38 00:01:32,151 --> 00:01:33,587 Honestly, 39 00:01:33,621 --> 00:01:36,326 Flatch could learn a thing or two from the town next door. 40 00:01:36,359 --> 00:01:37,662 I mean, you go to Pockton, 41 00:01:37,729 --> 00:01:40,334 that place is hopping like a frog at a square dance. 42 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,039 They have a store that only sells popcorn. 43 00:01:43,106 --> 00:01:45,912 It's called "Pock-corn." I mean, how cute is that? 44 00:01:45,945 --> 00:01:47,716 (loud thud) 45 00:01:47,782 --> 00:01:49,318 (children laughing) 46 00:01:49,385 --> 00:01:51,089 Was that a water balloon or a gunshot? 47 00:01:51,155 --> 00:01:53,259 - (loud thud) - (yelps) 48 00:01:56,934 --> 00:01:59,071 NADINE: (sighs) 49 00:01:59,138 --> 00:02:00,440 (sighs) 50 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:07,221 Hello? Ugh. 51 00:02:07,287 --> 00:02:10,494 - (sighs) - Oh, hi, Nadine. 52 00:02:10,561 --> 00:02:12,264 Your box was blocking the entryway, 53 00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:14,903 which needs to remain clear, per fire regulations. 54 00:02:14,936 --> 00:02:16,372 Oh, gosh. Well... 55 00:02:16,439 --> 00:02:19,211 I guess it means it's time to check out the entries. 56 00:02:19,278 --> 00:02:20,882 - CHERYL: (chuckles) - NADINE: (chuckles politely) 57 00:02:20,948 --> 00:02:22,284 I am running a contest 58 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:24,488 to come up with a new slogan for Flatch. 59 00:02:24,556 --> 00:02:26,125 I'm gonna put all the entries in the paper, 60 00:02:26,192 --> 00:02:27,862 and then everybody votes. 61 00:02:27,929 --> 00:02:28,964 Oh, okay, I'm not really sure 62 00:02:29,031 --> 00:02:30,802 what's wrong with our current slogan. 63 00:02:30,835 --> 00:02:32,004 Oh, well, 64 00:02:32,071 --> 00:02:34,408 "Home of Colonel Flatch's latrine" 65 00:02:34,475 --> 00:02:37,147 doesn't exactly scream must-see destination. 66 00:02:37,214 --> 00:02:40,087 (chuckles) Okay, well, agree to disagree. 67 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,456 Oh, I'm so excited. 68 00:02:41,523 --> 00:02:43,828 Let's check out our first entry. 69 00:02:43,861 --> 00:02:46,232 Um... 70 00:02:46,265 --> 00:02:50,340 "Flatch, home of Cheryl, unfortunately." 71 00:02:51,810 --> 00:02:53,914 That's dumb. (chuckles) 72 00:02:53,981 --> 00:02:55,885 Ah, let's try another one. 73 00:02:57,321 --> 00:03:00,762 "If you love Pockton so much, you should just move there." 74 00:03:00,828 --> 00:03:03,601 Period, "Cheryl," period. 75 00:03:03,634 --> 00:03:04,870 Mm. 76 00:03:04,903 --> 00:03:06,205 It's not a slogan. 77 00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:09,579 (bell tolling) 78 00:03:16,192 --> 00:03:18,430 My machine is broken! 79 00:03:18,463 --> 00:03:19,766 Len, how many times do I have to tell you 80 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,104 it's not called a machine and it's not broken? 81 00:03:22,137 --> 00:03:23,941 It is asleep. 82 00:03:24,008 --> 00:03:25,712 Okay. Wake my machine up. 83 00:03:27,314 --> 00:03:28,349 JOE: Hey, Kelly, what a great surprise. 84 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:29,686 I didn't know you wanted to volunteer. 85 00:03:29,753 --> 00:03:30,588 Can't talk, okay? 86 00:03:30,788 --> 00:03:32,424 I'm in the middle of a killer game of "Among Us," 87 00:03:32,458 --> 00:03:34,763 and I need in on your Wi-Fi. 88 00:03:34,830 --> 00:03:35,898 Where can I plug in? 89 00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:37,201 You absolutely can not 90 00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:38,470 play games here Kelly 91 00:03:38,537 --> 00:03:40,742 Okay, not a game. A lifestyle. 92 00:03:40,808 --> 00:03:43,981 Still a no. But June could use some help. 93 00:03:44,048 --> 00:03:45,417 We have juice. 94 00:03:45,450 --> 00:03:47,589 - What flavor? - Apple-grape. 95 00:03:47,655 --> 00:03:50,227 Uh... 96 00:03:50,293 --> 00:03:52,464 I love apple-grape. Okay. 97 00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,170 - Hey, June. - Hey. 98 00:03:55,237 --> 00:03:56,774 I am going to need you to turn 99 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,376 away while I check my emails. 100 00:03:58,443 --> 00:04:02,384 - Okay. - What you got going on here? 101 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:05,390 Ideas for the Flatch slogan contest. 102 00:04:05,457 --> 00:04:08,798 Oh, yeah? "Flatch is a catch." 103 00:04:08,864 --> 00:04:10,000 It rhymes. 104 00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:14,475 When I win the $100, I'm gonna start a hydroponic tomato farm. 105 00:04:14,543 --> 00:04:17,214 I looked it up on the Google. 106 00:04:17,281 --> 00:04:19,452 - There's a cash prize? - Mm-hmm. 107 00:04:20,755 --> 00:04:23,694 Yeah, I'd say my chances of winning this are pretty high. 108 00:04:23,761 --> 00:04:26,567 Mallets already have a pretty strong track record 109 00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:30,240 of coming up with nicknames for things in this town. 110 00:04:30,307 --> 00:04:32,779 Grody-Ass Pond, Witch Finger Woods, 111 00:04:32,812 --> 00:04:34,482 [bleep] Lookout. 112 00:04:34,516 --> 00:04:37,589 We're rock stars at choosing good words for stuff. 113 00:04:39,058 --> 00:04:40,494 "Flatch, we should get a cannon 114 00:04:40,528 --> 00:04:43,133 and shoot Cheryl out of it." 115 00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,237 Wow, you weren't kidding. 116 00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:47,374 - People really hate you. - CHERYL: I know. 117 00:04:47,407 --> 00:04:49,345 Someone threw a water balloon at my bedroom window 118 00:04:49,378 --> 00:04:50,447 last night. 119 00:04:50,515 --> 00:04:53,052 What? These are threats. 120 00:04:53,119 --> 00:04:55,858 And you need to protect yourself. 121 00:04:58,396 --> 00:05:00,635 Gosh, it was just one date. 122 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:03,808 I don't even know if I like the guy. 123 00:05:03,841 --> 00:05:04,910 Ah. 124 00:05:04,943 --> 00:05:08,717 This small bust of Jane Austen could crack a skull. 125 00:05:08,784 --> 00:05:11,389 Put it down here within reach just so you can get it. 126 00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:12,792 Just in case, okay? 127 00:05:12,859 --> 00:05:15,096 So let me ask you do you know any of the following-- 128 00:05:15,130 --> 00:05:17,602 judo, Krav Maga, Muay Thai, 129 00:05:17,669 --> 00:05:20,508 a chokehold you put on a pit bull to make him let go, 130 00:05:20,541 --> 00:05:22,411 but you could also use on a man? 131 00:05:22,444 --> 00:05:24,381 Sorry, Mandy, this is so silly. 132 00:05:24,415 --> 00:05:27,154 I am a pacifist. I fight with my words. 133 00:05:27,221 --> 00:05:28,657 (loud thud) 134 00:05:30,561 --> 00:05:33,901 You got a strong reflex game. I can work with that. 135 00:05:41,683 --> 00:05:43,554 It's been a week, and we've had some exciting developments. 136 00:05:43,587 --> 00:05:45,992 Bessie has learned how to find recipes online 137 00:05:46,058 --> 00:05:50,033 and that "BDSM" does not stand for "Beef Dinner Small Meals." 138 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:53,674 Malcolm spent an entire savings bond on a rare Beanie Baby. 139 00:05:53,707 --> 00:05:56,445 And thanks to Shrub, Len got on a dating website, 140 00:05:56,513 --> 00:05:58,751 and he met a lovely woman. 141 00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,721 LEN: Both Cynthia and I love pie, 142 00:06:00,788 --> 00:06:04,495 conspiracy theories, and sponge baths. 143 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:08,203 - (notification chimes) - That's her. 144 00:06:08,269 --> 00:06:09,739 Shrub! 145 00:06:09,806 --> 00:06:12,044 SHRUB: That's a teddy bear emoji. 146 00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:13,714 So what do I say now? 147 00:06:13,747 --> 00:06:16,687 (sighs) Emojis are complicated. 148 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,724 Okay, well, there's one that looks like it's crying, 149 00:06:18,791 --> 00:06:20,995 but it's actually laughing-- that's always good, 150 00:06:21,028 --> 00:06:23,299 especially if it's tilted to the side a little bit. 151 00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:24,502 Fire emoji, that's good. 152 00:06:24,569 --> 00:06:26,940 100, that's, like, also very good. 153 00:06:27,007 --> 00:06:28,042 Clown is bad, okay? 154 00:06:28,142 --> 00:06:30,480 You don't want to get a clown under any circumstances. 155 00:06:30,548 --> 00:06:33,687 What else? Oh, eggplant does not mean eggplant. 156 00:06:33,754 --> 00:06:35,357 Peach is not a peach. Or a cherry. 157 00:06:35,390 --> 00:06:36,627 Pretty much any food item 158 00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:38,530 could really get you into trouble, Len. 159 00:06:38,597 --> 00:06:40,367 Hourglass means that someone is hot, 160 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:41,536 but not in the way fire does. 161 00:06:41,570 --> 00:06:45,477 And let's see, well, then we get into emoji combinations, 162 00:06:45,544 --> 00:06:46,680 and that's just pretty complicated stuff. 163 00:06:46,747 --> 00:06:48,216 I don't want to hurt your brain. 164 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,287 I'm just gonna say, "Hi, Cynthia." 165 00:06:50,353 --> 00:06:51,823 Safe choice. 166 00:06:51,890 --> 00:06:55,130 Okay. First impressions. Don't think too hard, okay? 167 00:06:55,196 --> 00:06:57,467 "Flatch, just do it." 168 00:06:57,502 --> 00:07:00,775 - I've heard that one before. - Okay, noted. 169 00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:05,383 "Flatch, more than you expected but less than you dreamed." 170 00:07:05,450 --> 00:07:07,254 That's a mouthful. 171 00:07:07,287 --> 00:07:08,489 "Flatch, we're the bomb." 172 00:07:08,524 --> 00:07:09,693 Bombs are bad. 173 00:07:09,759 --> 00:07:11,395 KELLY: Bessie, like, I swear to God! 174 00:07:11,462 --> 00:07:14,335 I can't with your negativity anymore, dude. 175 00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:17,842 June has some cute ones, and we like hers. 176 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:21,984 How's it going, June-bug? 177 00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:25,390 Hey, I am having so much fun writing my slogans. 178 00:07:25,423 --> 00:07:28,029 Yeah, you want to show me some? 179 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,672 Oh, no! I erased them all! 180 00:07:34,408 --> 00:07:36,345 I hit escape. 181 00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:38,449 We learned that day one. 182 00:07:38,517 --> 00:07:40,688 Okay, so... 183 00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:44,395 let's say somebody gets behind you, does this. 184 00:07:44,428 --> 00:07:47,167 - Hi. How can I help you? - No. [bleep], no. 185 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,403 I could be your killer. 186 00:07:48,436 --> 00:07:50,407 - Oh, I'm sorry. - No! 187 00:07:50,473 --> 00:07:52,110 Don't apologize to your killer. 188 00:07:52,144 --> 00:07:54,683 Okay, just do me, do me. 189 00:07:56,753 --> 00:08:00,160 Yoke, solar plexus, clench, groin. 190 00:08:00,193 --> 00:08:02,431 If the idiot is still standing, 191 00:08:02,464 --> 00:08:04,602 double fingers up nose. 192 00:08:04,669 --> 00:08:05,871 Wow. How do you know all that? 193 00:08:05,938 --> 00:08:07,775 I trained to be in the Secret Service. 194 00:08:07,842 --> 00:08:09,746 - That's so cool! - Yeah, not really. 195 00:08:09,813 --> 00:08:12,150 Basically, they just wanted you to run next to a car for miles, 196 00:08:12,184 --> 00:08:13,453 and that's not my jam. 197 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,156 Also, I'm not good at keeping secrets. 198 00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:16,325 It's fine. 199 00:08:16,359 --> 00:08:17,929 Punch me in the stomach. Come on. 200 00:08:17,995 --> 00:08:19,966 I'm not punching you in the stomach. 201 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:20,735 Okay. Fine. 202 00:08:20,835 --> 00:08:23,006 Then just kick me in the coin purse. 203 00:08:23,072 --> 00:08:26,913 Come on, knee me right here in the marble pouch! Let's go. 204 00:08:28,483 --> 00:08:31,122 Are you talking about your genitals? 205 00:08:31,155 --> 00:08:34,361 We need to get you worked up. What--what makes you angry? 206 00:08:34,428 --> 00:08:35,497 Leap day! 207 00:08:35,564 --> 00:08:36,867 - Leap day? - CHERYL: Yes! 208 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:39,939 It messes up every line in the calendar for weeks. 209 00:08:39,973 --> 00:08:41,275 Oh, boy. 210 00:08:41,342 --> 00:08:43,012 What about Joe? 211 00:08:43,046 --> 00:08:46,218 Mm-mm, nope. Joe doesn't make me angry. 212 00:08:46,285 --> 00:08:47,487 - Really? - Mm-mm. 213 00:08:47,555 --> 00:08:50,360 The guy hauls you here and then dumps you? 214 00:08:50,427 --> 00:08:52,565 Well, "dump" is a very strong word. 215 00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:55,303 Well, use your own word. 216 00:08:55,336 --> 00:08:57,074 He just needed space. 217 00:08:58,476 --> 00:08:59,679 After he hauled me here. 218 00:08:59,746 --> 00:09:01,616 Oh, my God. Oh! 219 00:09:01,650 --> 00:09:04,188 Saying that out loud it makes me feel really, really-- 220 00:09:04,221 --> 00:09:05,390 Angry? 221 00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:07,260 No, really, really... 222 00:09:07,327 --> 00:09:09,198 Violent? 223 00:09:14,174 --> 00:09:15,511 Sad. 224 00:09:15,544 --> 00:09:17,582 Oh, Lord. 225 00:09:17,648 --> 00:09:20,320 Can my plexus have a hug? 226 00:09:23,359 --> 00:09:24,829 Bring it in. 227 00:09:30,140 --> 00:09:30,808 CHERYL: (sobs) 228 00:09:30,875 --> 00:09:32,779 I knew she should cry today. 229 00:09:32,845 --> 00:09:35,718 I just didn't realize it would be this soon. 230 00:09:41,596 --> 00:09:42,899 Oh, hi, Nadine, what can I do for you? 231 00:09:42,932 --> 00:09:44,669 I have come to submit my slogan entries. 232 00:09:44,736 --> 00:09:47,374 They are in double-sealed, marked envelopes, okay? 233 00:09:47,407 --> 00:09:48,744 So there can be no hijinks. 234 00:09:48,811 --> 00:09:51,415 Well, Flatch is the home of hijinks. 235 00:09:51,482 --> 00:09:53,052 Did you just come up with that? 236 00:09:53,119 --> 00:09:54,087 What? 237 00:09:58,362 --> 00:10:00,734 (phone ringing) 238 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:04,308 326? The Pockton exchange? 239 00:10:04,374 --> 00:10:05,778 (ringing continues) 240 00:10:05,811 --> 00:10:07,414 Jimmy calls me every afternoon 241 00:10:07,447 --> 00:10:08,951 to say how do you do. 242 00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:11,455 It's really sweet. (chuckles) 243 00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,025 He actually says that. "How do you do?" 244 00:10:13,092 --> 00:10:16,332 And I say, "Do what?" (chuckles) 245 00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:18,136 It's a joke we have. 246 00:10:19,404 --> 00:10:23,045 (ringing continues) 247 00:10:23,112 --> 00:10:24,081 Do what? 248 00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:26,987 That'll teach 'em. 249 00:10:28,222 --> 00:10:31,362 Call me elderly, but that computer class reminded me 250 00:10:31,395 --> 00:10:33,232 that it's the high time to go through my computer 251 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,938 and remove some documents that I don't need anymore. 252 00:10:43,119 --> 00:10:46,492 - Dude, dude! - What? 253 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:47,662 I came up with the perfect slogan. 254 00:10:47,728 --> 00:10:49,031 Oh, okay, hit me, hit me, hit me. 255 00:10:49,097 --> 00:10:50,801 Okay, well, you know how I get my best ideas 256 00:10:50,868 --> 00:10:52,605 - when I am on "la toilette"? - Yes? 257 00:10:52,638 --> 00:10:54,341 Wheel socks, edible matchsticks. 258 00:10:54,408 --> 00:10:55,845 Inside gloves. 259 00:10:55,878 --> 00:10:57,782 Different than outside gloves because they're worn inside. 260 00:10:57,849 --> 00:10:58,951 - Go on. - Okay, okay. 261 00:10:59,017 --> 00:11:00,588 Get ready to have your mind blown. 262 00:11:00,621 --> 00:11:01,756 Okay. Hit me, hit me, hit me. 263 00:11:01,823 --> 00:11:04,194 Okay, the winning slogan is, 264 00:11:04,261 --> 00:11:09,071 "Flatch, come bask in our Flatch-ulence"! 265 00:11:09,137 --> 00:11:12,010 - Dude, that's brilliant. - I know, right? 266 00:11:12,043 --> 00:11:14,916 Okay, so when you see that slogan in the paper, 267 00:11:14,983 --> 00:11:16,786 I'm gonna need your vote. 268 00:11:16,853 --> 00:11:19,626 Flatch-ulence sounds dirty to me. 269 00:11:19,692 --> 00:11:22,430 Does it, Bessie? Or does it sound brilliant? 270 00:11:22,497 --> 00:11:24,334 No. It sounds dirty. 271 00:11:26,071 --> 00:11:27,909 Fine. Here. 272 00:11:27,942 --> 00:11:30,179 A dollar for each of you. 273 00:11:30,213 --> 00:11:32,183 I didn't want to stoop to bribery, 274 00:11:32,217 --> 00:11:34,121 but if that's what it takes, so be it. 275 00:11:36,392 --> 00:11:39,131 So rule number one of successful business growth 276 00:11:39,197 --> 00:11:41,101 is sometimes you have to spend a dollar 277 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,139 to make a whole bunch of dollars. 278 00:11:43,172 --> 00:11:47,180 Rule number two is you need to sit on the toilet a lot. 279 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:51,188 Shrub, I need help with my machine. 280 00:11:51,255 --> 00:11:52,057 Len, I told you. 281 00:11:52,157 --> 00:11:54,294 No one is buying your old pants on eBay. 282 00:11:54,328 --> 00:11:57,100 I'm trying figure out how to wire money to Cynthia. 283 00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:59,271 Why are you trying to do that? 284 00:11:59,338 --> 00:12:01,943 She wants to buy a plane ticket to come to visit me. 285 00:12:01,977 --> 00:12:04,949 But in Estonia, you can't get into your bank account 286 00:12:04,983 --> 00:12:07,420 without giving them $3,000. 287 00:12:07,487 --> 00:12:09,692 It's all rigged. 288 00:12:09,726 --> 00:12:12,898 Anyway, the bank headquarters is in Nigeria, 289 00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:15,671 and there's the routing number. 290 00:12:15,738 --> 00:12:19,077 Oh, no, uh, no, no, we can't do that. 291 00:12:19,111 --> 00:12:23,486 Um, you can't wire money over the Internet on Tuesdays. 292 00:12:23,553 --> 00:12:25,925 Oh. 293 00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:27,929 - SHRUB: That's "Cynthia." - JOE: She's pretty. 294 00:12:27,962 --> 00:12:29,532 No, he's being catfished right now. 295 00:12:29,565 --> 00:12:30,834 No, it's a scam. Look. 296 00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:33,807 They're using stock photos of Miss Estonia 2006. 297 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,978 - Oh, this is bad. - Yeah. 298 00:12:36,011 --> 00:12:38,750 SHRUB: He's about to send $3,000 to her, 299 00:12:38,817 --> 00:12:41,890 or to him, or whoever in Nigeria. 300 00:12:41,957 --> 00:12:44,996 Whatever. Well, what do we do? 301 00:12:45,063 --> 00:12:46,666 Well, I don't think we have a choice. 302 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:47,802 We got to tell him the truth. 303 00:12:47,902 --> 00:12:50,173 I mean, it's gonna hurt, but it's better that he knows now. 304 00:12:50,239 --> 00:12:52,745 Man, it sucks when people prey on the elderly. 305 00:12:52,812 --> 00:12:54,716 Eh, depends. 306 00:12:54,749 --> 00:12:56,786 Hey, Shrub, I checked. 307 00:12:56,853 --> 00:12:59,759 That no wiring money on Tuesdays-- 308 00:12:59,826 --> 00:13:01,261 total fake news. 309 00:13:01,295 --> 00:13:03,634 You got to watch out for those internet scams, Shrub. 310 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,738 Yeah. 311 00:13:05,771 --> 00:13:09,746 Len, we have something we have to tell you. 312 00:13:09,812 --> 00:13:12,417 Yeah, about Cynthia. 313 00:13:12,484 --> 00:13:14,522 There's nothing you're gonna say about that woman 314 00:13:14,589 --> 00:13:16,660 that'll make me love her less. 315 00:13:17,327 --> 00:13:22,170 (clears throat) When--when Martha passed... 316 00:13:22,203 --> 00:13:25,310 I didn't think I was ever gonna find love again. 317 00:13:25,376 --> 00:13:29,351 Who'd have thunk it? I mean, an old man like me? 318 00:13:32,958 --> 00:13:36,365 - She's dead. Cynthia's dead. - What? 319 00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:38,002 What? 320 00:13:42,177 --> 00:13:43,847 What happened? 321 00:13:43,914 --> 00:13:45,884 - Train accident. - She drowned. 322 00:13:45,918 --> 00:13:48,322 Yes. Yes, yes, that's right. 323 00:13:48,356 --> 00:13:52,698 Yeah, she had just passed her conductor's test, 324 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,637 and she, uh, she went out to celebrate 325 00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,641 and she got, like, so loaded, and-- 326 00:13:57,708 --> 00:13:58,844 Yeah. 327 00:13:58,910 --> 00:14:00,647 You know the rest. 328 00:14:00,681 --> 00:14:02,183 No, I don't. 329 00:14:02,785 --> 00:14:04,254 BOTH: Sh... 330 00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:06,225 She drove that train right into a lake. 331 00:14:06,258 --> 00:14:07,862 - Lake. - Yeah. 332 00:14:07,928 --> 00:14:10,801 Mm. Of course. (chuckles) 333 00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:13,774 She was a train conductor, too. 334 00:14:13,807 --> 00:14:16,311 Oh, that woman could do anything. 335 00:14:16,378 --> 00:14:17,715 Except swim. 336 00:14:17,782 --> 00:14:18,950 Yes. 337 00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:21,856 All she had was me. 338 00:14:21,923 --> 00:14:24,461 How will she be remembered? 339 00:14:24,494 --> 00:14:28,269 Probably as a woman who drove a train into a lake. 340 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:29,939 (sighs) 341 00:14:29,972 --> 00:14:32,343 She had no family. 342 00:14:32,377 --> 00:14:34,949 There'll be no memorial service or anything. 343 00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:36,953 I'm so sorry, Len. I know this is hard. 344 00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:38,355 We need to give her a funeral. 345 00:14:38,389 --> 00:14:40,326 - Yeah, that's right. - SHRUB: Mm-hmm. 346 00:14:40,393 --> 00:14:41,195 We do? 347 00:14:41,295 --> 00:14:42,832 That would be the proper thing to do. 348 00:14:42,898 --> 00:14:44,334 Right, Father? 349 00:14:46,238 --> 00:14:48,109 So, yeah, we're shopping for a funeral 350 00:14:48,175 --> 00:14:50,279 for a made-up person from a made-up country. 351 00:14:50,346 --> 00:14:52,250 Uh, Estonia is actually real. I looked it up. 352 00:14:52,317 --> 00:14:53,987 Well, there's no Estonian soccer merch, 353 00:14:54,054 --> 00:14:55,389 so color me a doubter. 354 00:14:55,456 --> 00:14:58,095 Father Joe basically gave us a ton of church funds 355 00:14:58,129 --> 00:14:59,397 and seeing as this is my fault, 356 00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:01,001 I thought we should we should go all out. 357 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,838 Whole town's gonna come. 358 00:15:02,905 --> 00:15:03,940 Everyone shows up when they know 359 00:15:03,974 --> 00:15:05,176 there's gonna be free cake. 360 00:15:05,243 --> 00:15:07,080 Yeah, we got streamers, a piñata-- 361 00:15:07,113 --> 00:15:09,351 I should be out campaigning for my new slogan, 362 00:15:09,384 --> 00:15:12,090 but instead, here I am shopping for funeral glitter. 363 00:15:12,123 --> 00:15:13,426 I believe that every living thing 364 00:15:13,492 --> 00:15:17,868 deserves a dignified death, even if they're made up. 365 00:15:17,935 --> 00:15:19,572 Like, one time, we were driving to Dayton 366 00:15:19,639 --> 00:15:23,279 to this monster truck rally, and Kelly just hit this deer. 367 00:15:23,312 --> 00:15:25,951 And she was like, "Oh, no, we have to keep going. 368 00:15:26,018 --> 00:15:27,420 We're gonna miss the opening horn." 369 00:15:27,487 --> 00:15:32,130 And I was like, "No, no. We need to honor this animal. 370 00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:34,000 "And we need get out 371 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:37,608 and kick these pieces of deer into the ditch." 372 00:15:37,641 --> 00:15:38,877 And that's what we did. 373 00:15:38,910 --> 00:15:40,781 (knock at door, door opens) 374 00:15:40,848 --> 00:15:43,219 Hey, I need your help. 375 00:15:43,285 --> 00:15:45,423 Which one do I wear to Cynthia's funeral? 376 00:15:45,456 --> 00:15:49,899 Cynth--Oh, is that the Estonian model Cynthia? 377 00:15:49,932 --> 00:15:52,070 Someone sent in an obituary for her. 378 00:15:52,137 --> 00:15:54,909 Ech, that train accident is tragic. 379 00:15:54,942 --> 00:15:56,345 Yeah, she doesn't exist. 380 00:15:56,411 --> 00:15:58,950 Len got catfished online, everyone feels bad, 381 00:15:59,017 --> 00:16:01,021 so we're throwing a funeral for her. 382 00:16:01,054 --> 00:16:02,791 - A made-up funeral? - MANDY: Yeah. 383 00:16:02,858 --> 00:16:04,595 Funeral's real, lady's not. 384 00:16:04,662 --> 00:16:06,064 Oh, got it. 385 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,102 It said on the e-vite "Estonian casual," 386 00:16:08,169 --> 00:16:09,739 but what the [bleep] does that mean? 387 00:16:09,772 --> 00:16:11,008 There was an e-vite? 388 00:16:11,041 --> 00:16:13,880 Yeah, whole town got it. Didn't you? 389 00:16:13,914 --> 00:16:15,449 - No. - Wow. 390 00:16:15,483 --> 00:16:18,022 Whatever. I didn't get invited to a fake funeral. 391 00:16:18,055 --> 00:16:19,491 Whoop de doo. 392 00:16:19,559 --> 00:16:23,499 - You want to be my plus-one? - You got invited with a date? 393 00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:28,510 Our love was brief, but it was strong. 394 00:16:29,946 --> 00:16:33,118 I only wish I'd been able to... 395 00:16:33,185 --> 00:16:35,724 ride her train. 396 00:16:35,791 --> 00:16:37,962 Well, uh, not the last one. 397 00:16:38,028 --> 00:16:39,899 Uh... 398 00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,103 (sighs) 399 00:16:42,170 --> 00:16:43,640 - (button clicks) -(electronic music plays) 400 00:16:43,707 --> 00:16:47,848 Gunnar and the Dragons. Estonian pop sensation. 401 00:16:47,915 --> 00:16:51,556 ♪ ♪ 402 00:16:51,589 --> 00:16:52,525 (button clicks) 403 00:16:53,492 --> 00:16:56,031 (clears throat) Thank you, Len. 404 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,935 That was lovely. 405 00:16:57,968 --> 00:16:59,505 We didn't know Cynthia, 406 00:16:59,572 --> 00:17:04,649 but we're all here because Len loved Cynthia. 407 00:17:04,715 --> 00:17:06,118 And we love Len. 408 00:17:06,184 --> 00:17:07,988 (softly) Thank you. 409 00:17:08,022 --> 00:17:10,426 (door opens, closes) 410 00:17:11,128 --> 00:17:14,034 Love is the memories of the person you lost, 411 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:17,575 memories of your first meeting, real or virtual. 412 00:17:22,885 --> 00:17:25,791 Your first date... 413 00:17:25,857 --> 00:17:28,028 when you realized 414 00:17:28,095 --> 00:17:29,899 that you both love Grease 2 415 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:33,573 more than Grease the original... 416 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,811 that time you split the gas station sushi 417 00:17:35,877 --> 00:17:37,146 and you both Giardia. 418 00:17:37,213 --> 00:17:38,349 Are we talking about Cynthia? 419 00:17:38,382 --> 00:17:40,152 SHRUB: Yeah, he's going off-book, he's going off-book. 420 00:17:40,186 --> 00:17:43,025 Go, go. Get him. 421 00:17:43,058 --> 00:17:44,294 JOE: You can still love that person, 422 00:17:44,327 --> 00:17:45,998 even if they're not with you anymore 423 00:17:46,031 --> 00:17:47,166 and you have to eat the tickets 424 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,170 to the Columbus Stomp Your Own Wine Gala. 425 00:17:49,237 --> 00:17:52,043 Very moving, Father, very moving stuff. 426 00:17:52,110 --> 00:17:55,149 Okay, now, if no one else has anything to say, 427 00:17:55,216 --> 00:17:57,988 we'd like to invite you into the Emerson room, okay? 428 00:17:58,022 --> 00:18:00,159 For some cake and mulgipuder, 429 00:18:00,226 --> 00:18:02,497 which, I guess, is something Estonians make 430 00:18:02,564 --> 00:18:05,303 with sausage, but we used hot dogs. 431 00:18:05,369 --> 00:18:06,572 Also, let's not forget, 432 00:18:06,606 --> 00:18:09,311 vote for Kelly Mallet's slogan in the paper. 433 00:18:09,344 --> 00:18:11,181 CHERYL: I'd like to say something! 434 00:18:11,248 --> 00:18:14,487 (all groaning) 435 00:18:16,491 --> 00:18:20,266 Quick. Yep, yep, okay. Thank you. 436 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,236 Hi, I'm-- (clears throat) 437 00:18:22,303 --> 00:18:24,307 (indistinct chatter) 438 00:18:24,374 --> 00:18:26,144 PERSON: Go back to Pockton! 439 00:18:26,178 --> 00:18:27,648 - PERSON 2: Yeah! - PERSON 3: Mm-hmm. 440 00:18:27,715 --> 00:18:32,958 Look, I-I didn't know Cynthia, um, but, uh... 441 00:18:33,025 --> 00:18:35,062 I am her. 442 00:18:35,096 --> 00:18:37,635 I mean, a single woman of a certain age 443 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:41,108 just trying to make a go of it in a very small town. 444 00:18:41,174 --> 00:18:44,147 And believe me, not easy. 445 00:18:44,214 --> 00:18:46,318 (indistinct chatter) 446 00:18:46,351 --> 00:18:49,925 I'm sorry I went on a date with a guy from Pockton. 447 00:18:49,959 --> 00:18:51,863 But don't we all deserve love? 448 00:18:51,896 --> 00:18:56,171 And if you have to find that on the Internet or one town over, 449 00:18:56,204 --> 00:18:59,077 I mean, who are we to judge? 450 00:18:59,110 --> 00:19:01,214 I might even go to Pockton again. 451 00:19:01,248 --> 00:19:02,551 (all groaning) 452 00:19:02,618 --> 00:19:05,423 But that does not mean I don't like Flatch, 453 00:19:05,489 --> 00:19:07,661 because I do, I really do. 454 00:19:07,728 --> 00:19:10,534 I mean, I love how, when I first moved here, 455 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:14,642 June dropped off a crab casserole on my doorstep. 456 00:19:14,709 --> 00:19:17,013 I didn't find it till the next morning, 457 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:18,248 so it smelled like death, 458 00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:19,785 but what a beautiful thought, June. 459 00:19:19,819 --> 00:19:24,862 I love how Blind Billy knows me just by touching my butt. 460 00:19:24,929 --> 00:19:27,066 - (yelps) - Uh, Cheryl? 461 00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:28,135 (giggles) 462 00:19:28,202 --> 00:19:30,072 I used to find that so creepy. 463 00:19:30,106 --> 00:19:32,978 Now I think it's very sweet. 464 00:19:33,045 --> 00:19:35,517 And my new friend, Mandy, 465 00:19:35,584 --> 00:19:37,988 she has designed a very special tattoo for me 466 00:19:38,022 --> 00:19:40,126 of Elizabeth Cady Stanton, 467 00:19:40,159 --> 00:19:41,461 my all-time favorite suffragette. 468 00:19:41,529 --> 00:19:43,465 That could be a power statement. 469 00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:45,136 We'll get that on you real soon. 470 00:19:45,169 --> 00:19:46,806 (chuckling) Yeah. 471 00:19:46,873 --> 00:19:49,344 So busy, but, yeah. 472 00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:54,254 I love that you all care so much 473 00:19:54,287 --> 00:19:58,228 to throw a funeral for a woman who isn't even-- 474 00:19:58,295 --> 00:20:00,700 she doesn't-- she's not from here. 475 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:04,642 So here's to Cynthia and to all the single women 476 00:20:04,675 --> 00:20:07,614 who are just trying to live their best lives. 477 00:20:08,817 --> 00:20:11,455 Because if you're gonna uproot your life for love, 478 00:20:11,522 --> 00:20:13,993 Flatch is so not the worst place to be. 479 00:20:14,027 --> 00:20:16,264 Whoo! Yes! 480 00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:19,739 (cheers and applause) 481 00:20:24,715 --> 00:20:28,088 After my speech, there was a groundswell of votes 482 00:20:28,155 --> 00:20:31,061 for the new slogan, and, um... 483 00:20:31,094 --> 00:20:32,396 I guess I won! 484 00:20:32,463 --> 00:20:35,637 - Hi, neighbor! - Oh, hi, June! 485 00:20:35,704 --> 00:20:38,843 So the contest was rigged, obviously. 486 00:20:38,877 --> 00:20:41,314 But good news is I already ordered a ton of merch, 487 00:20:41,348 --> 00:20:43,185 so I'm still gonna make bank. 488 00:20:43,218 --> 00:20:44,655 - What size are you? - PERSON: Uh... 489 00:20:44,722 --> 00:20:47,493 - What size are you? - PERSON: Medium. 490 00:20:47,561 --> 00:20:50,299 Medium? Okay. Was that so hard? 491 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,571 It's gonna be 30 bucks, okay? 492 00:20:56,077 --> 00:20:58,415 (camera shutter clicks) 493 00:20:58,482 --> 00:20:59,952 No! 494 00:20:59,985 --> 00:21:02,490 PERSON: (whimpering) 495 00:21:02,558 --> 00:21:04,829 Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry. 496 00:21:04,895 --> 00:21:06,699 (Eastern European accent) Why you hit me in the plexus? 497 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:09,104 No, I thought you were, like, a predator or something. 498 00:21:09,170 --> 00:21:12,945 - Can I help you? - No, no! Don't touch me! 499 00:21:12,978 --> 00:21:14,815 Cynthia? 500 00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:17,420 CYNTHIA: You stay away from me! 501 00:21:17,487 --> 00:21:20,059 (gasps) You're real! 502 00:21:20,092 --> 00:21:21,328 Stay away from me! 503 00:21:21,361 --> 00:21:23,766 But Len's gonna be so happy! 504 00:21:23,833 --> 00:21:24,835 It's Cynthia! 505 00:21:24,902 --> 00:21:26,404 Crazy lady! 506 00:21:26,471 --> 00:21:28,977 CHERYL: You must be so jetlagged! 507 00:21:29,010 --> 00:21:30,112 Just stay back! 508 00:21:30,146 --> 00:21:32,250 CHERYL: Okay, well, go relax. 509 00:21:32,316 --> 00:21:33,452 Settle in. 510 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,524 CYNTHIA: What is with this town?