1 00:00:02,438 --> 00:00:07,081 (birds chirping) 2 00:00:21,744 --> 00:00:24,616 Watch this. 3 00:00:24,616 --> 00:00:25,518 You wanna maybe go...? 4 00:00:25,518 --> 00:00:27,923 Oh, wait, let me think. Uh, how about-- 5 00:00:27,923 --> 00:00:28,958 no thanks, Fargas. 6 00:00:28,958 --> 00:00:31,262 (laughter) 7 00:00:31,262 --> 00:00:33,166 Falls for it every time. 8 00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:35,872 MICKEY: Hey, Shrub and Kelly. (chuckles) 9 00:00:35,872 --> 00:00:37,374 Beth. 10 00:00:37,374 --> 00:00:40,247 Wow, look at you two together. 11 00:00:40,247 --> 00:00:41,382 We're buying decorations for Beth's birthday party 12 00:00:41,382 --> 00:00:43,821 tomorrow. It's a royal family theme. 13 00:00:43,821 --> 00:00:44,923 Pip-pip. 14 00:00:44,923 --> 00:00:46,560 Oh. 15 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,831 Happy birthday. 16 00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:50,935 It's not today. 17 00:00:50,935 --> 00:00:52,739 I don't think. 18 00:00:52,739 --> 00:00:54,342 Beth's parents full-on think the government's out 19 00:00:54,342 --> 00:00:55,678 to get them, okay? So they, like, 20 00:00:55,678 --> 00:00:57,816 don't pay their taxes and they hoard soup 21 00:00:57,816 --> 00:01:00,020 and all their kids were, like, born in their barn 22 00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:01,857 with no birth certificate. 23 00:01:01,857 --> 00:01:03,628 Also, she was, like, homeschooled, 24 00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:06,299 so she, like, knows things like how to use a crossbow 25 00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:08,571 and the history of the royal family. 26 00:01:08,571 --> 00:01:11,409 And, like, didn't know who Oprah was until two years ago. 27 00:01:11,409 --> 00:01:15,484 Well, like, ha--happy birthday whenever it is. 28 00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:19,158 Invite Shrub to your party, Beth, this is pathetic. 29 00:01:19,158 --> 00:01:20,460 BETH: Oh, I didn't think you'd wanna come. 30 00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:22,532 It's mostly just girls and Mickey. 31 00:01:22,532 --> 00:01:25,237 I really actually don't even know if I'm free, so... 32 00:01:25,237 --> 00:01:26,774 - He's free. - Shut up. 33 00:01:26,774 --> 00:01:28,778 Well, it's from 2:00 to 4:00 34 00:01:28,778 --> 00:01:30,414 and everyone's gonna wear a hat 35 00:01:30,414 --> 00:01:33,453 because royals always wear hats at parties. 36 00:01:33,453 --> 00:01:36,560 You're gonna take turns reading from "Harry Potter"? 37 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,298 Who's Harry Potter? 38 00:01:43,908 --> 00:01:45,043 Okay? 39 00:01:45,043 --> 00:01:46,245 No, no way. 40 00:01:46,245 --> 00:01:47,682 Why? It's a party and a hat in one. 41 00:01:47,682 --> 00:01:49,418 You can put a bunch of ginger ale right here, 42 00:01:49,418 --> 00:01:52,592 bag of pop rocks here. Boom, party of one, mind blown. 43 00:01:52,592 --> 00:01:54,462 No, I need like a crown or something. 44 00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:56,432 Like something better than whatever freaking sad hat 45 00:01:56,432 --> 00:01:58,203 Mickey's gonna wear to this party. 46 00:01:58,203 --> 00:02:00,340 Also, I need to get Beth a super dope gift. 47 00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:01,644 Well, you can't get her a decent education, 48 00:02:01,644 --> 00:02:03,313 'cause, yeah, that ship has sailed. 49 00:02:03,313 --> 00:02:04,683 Oh, there's a craft store in Dayton. 50 00:02:04,683 --> 00:02:05,518 I have to go there. 51 00:02:05,518 --> 00:02:07,021 What's the name of that taxi guy? 52 00:02:07,021 --> 00:02:08,223 - Dick? - Yes. 53 00:02:08,223 --> 00:02:09,960 He shut down. He had a suspended license 54 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:10,995 and a stolen car. 55 00:02:11,095 --> 00:02:13,501 - Why don't you have a car? - Why don't you have a car? 56 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,437 So Shrub doesn't even have his license. 57 00:02:15,437 --> 00:02:16,940 He's failed the test like three times. 58 00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:19,211 The last time he took the test, 59 00:02:19,211 --> 00:02:21,517 uh, he ran over this huge squirrel 60 00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:23,854 and it, like, totally scarred him. 61 00:02:23,854 --> 00:02:26,827 And the testing guy. 62 00:02:26,827 --> 00:02:28,163 Oh, my God. 63 00:02:28,163 --> 00:02:29,900 - That's brilliant. - Ow! 64 00:02:36,012 --> 00:02:38,316 So you'd like to start a taxi service? 65 00:02:38,316 --> 00:02:40,387 High end rideshare company. 66 00:02:40,387 --> 00:02:41,857 Father, what you don't understand about me 67 00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:44,596 is that I come from a long line of business tycoons. 68 00:02:44,596 --> 00:02:46,834 My dad has his Christmas tree farm, 69 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,504 his corn maze, and his mom 70 00:02:48,504 --> 00:02:50,407 ran a super successful black market 71 00:02:50,407 --> 00:02:51,844 cigarette ring in prison. 72 00:02:51,844 --> 00:02:53,480 It's in my blood. 73 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,653 I'm like an idiot savant, but with business ideas. 74 00:02:56,653 --> 00:02:59,258 Like, here, give me an item in this room. 75 00:02:59,258 --> 00:03:01,396 Um, this stapler. 76 00:03:01,396 --> 00:03:03,033 Mm... 77 00:03:03,033 --> 00:03:04,101 Pass. Give me another. 78 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,370 This paperweight. 79 00:03:05,370 --> 00:03:07,007 - Pass, another one. - Why don't you just... 80 00:03:07,007 --> 00:03:08,143 tell me about your idea? 81 00:03:08,143 --> 00:03:10,782 Okay, thank you. So, Flatch's lack 82 00:03:10,782 --> 00:03:12,451 of transportation options 83 00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:15,490 is a need that is waiting to be exploited, by me. 84 00:03:15,490 --> 00:03:17,629 All that's missing is a vehicle to exploit with. 85 00:03:17,629 --> 00:03:19,666 And you know no one else with a car? 86 00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:23,273 Shrub's nan has a car, but a stray cat gave birth in it 87 00:03:23,273 --> 00:03:26,045 last week, and so it's out of commish 88 00:03:26,045 --> 00:03:27,247 until we get a wet vac. 89 00:03:27,247 --> 00:03:29,118 I'm just--I'm not sure I'm comfortable 90 00:03:29,118 --> 00:03:30,521 lending you my car, Kelly. 91 00:03:30,521 --> 00:03:32,291 All right, I guess I have to go back to selling my body 92 00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:34,529 - once again. - You were a prostitute? 93 00:03:34,529 --> 00:03:35,732 Negatory. 94 00:03:35,732 --> 00:03:39,405 Medical center paid me to try out their blood pressure cuffs. 95 00:03:39,405 --> 00:03:41,643 Okay, fine, you can use my car for two hours a day, 96 00:03:41,643 --> 00:03:44,549 but no food inside, no going over 40, 97 00:03:44,549 --> 00:03:46,452 and if I need it, you have to bring it right back. 98 00:03:46,452 --> 00:03:47,989 And you'll pay me for that? 99 00:03:47,989 --> 00:03:49,693 I will not. 100 00:03:52,397 --> 00:03:54,536 Hey, Nadine, do you know if the copier's broken? 101 00:03:54,536 --> 00:03:57,007 Um, do I look like a copier technician? 102 00:03:57,007 --> 00:03:59,178 Oh, I don't know what one looks like. 103 00:03:59,178 --> 00:04:00,715 Okay, well, it's not me, Cheryl. 104 00:04:00,715 --> 00:04:02,552 Oh, gosh, with the lack of stories to report on 105 00:04:02,552 --> 00:04:04,321 in Flatch, I guess this broken copier 106 00:04:04,321 --> 00:04:06,092 is just gonna be my lead, huh? 107 00:04:06,092 --> 00:04:06,994 Okay, well, I'm sorry. 108 00:04:07,127 --> 00:04:09,666 I'm in a historical society crisis right now. 109 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:12,337 (sighs) Someone stole the "Welcome to Flatch" sign. 110 00:04:13,173 --> 00:04:15,778 Oh, well, do tell. 111 00:04:15,778 --> 00:04:17,749 Okay, well, it happens every year 112 00:04:17,749 --> 00:04:18,984 during "Pockton days." 113 00:04:18,984 --> 00:04:20,621 Someone from Pockton comes over, 114 00:04:20,621 --> 00:04:22,424 they steal the town's sign, 115 00:04:22,424 --> 00:04:24,495 and I bet they think they're so funny, 116 00:04:24,495 --> 00:04:25,965 but you know what's not funny? 117 00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:26,900 No. 118 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:32,010 Going to prison for stealing federal property. 119 00:04:33,814 --> 00:04:37,187 I think we have a crime. 120 00:04:37,187 --> 00:04:38,691 The Pockton rivalry, it's been going on 121 00:04:38,691 --> 00:04:41,129 for centuries, ever since Colonel Robert Flatch 122 00:04:41,129 --> 00:04:45,370 fought in the area in the 1800s and then sold Pockton 123 00:04:45,370 --> 00:04:47,842 for a few apple seeds and an orphan. 124 00:04:47,842 --> 00:04:51,482 Then he settled in Flatch. 125 00:04:51,482 --> 00:04:54,355 They're just very jealous. 126 00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:01,804 Huh, so you're starting a cab company, huh? 127 00:05:01,804 --> 00:05:04,776 It's not a cab. A rideshare experience. 128 00:05:04,776 --> 00:05:07,749 Oh, don't those usually use apps? 129 00:05:07,749 --> 00:05:09,786 Like I know anyone who could make an app. 130 00:05:09,786 --> 00:05:12,391 I could, but no biggie. Next time. 131 00:05:12,391 --> 00:05:14,529 Ooh, I got to get to the Post Office 132 00:05:14,529 --> 00:05:16,299 to pick up my custom hat that just arrived from Etsy. 133 00:05:16,299 --> 00:05:17,569 Seriously? 134 00:05:17,569 --> 00:05:19,371 (sighs) Why does everyone care about a party 135 00:05:19,371 --> 00:05:21,844 for the most boring girl in the world? 136 00:05:21,844 --> 00:05:25,518 Beth is a complicated and fascinating creature. 137 00:05:25,518 --> 00:05:27,655 I knew it. You are into her. 138 00:05:27,655 --> 00:05:30,628 No need for worry, my bro. We're just friends. 139 00:05:30,628 --> 00:05:33,399 Did I let her give me a gel pedicure? 140 00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:36,205 Yes, I did. 141 00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:39,345 I am utterly smitten with Beth. 142 00:05:40,848 --> 00:05:44,823 It was Mickey's idea to do the hats and the pedicure. 143 00:05:44,823 --> 00:05:47,862 I always wanted a gay best friend. 144 00:05:51,402 --> 00:05:53,741 Very exciting day. First day of Kuber. 145 00:05:53,741 --> 00:05:56,513 Okay, remember, Beth's party starts at 2:00 146 00:05:56,513 --> 00:05:58,483 and I need a present and my art supplies 147 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,588 so I can make this sick hat. 148 00:06:00,588 --> 00:06:02,457 I call it King Trucker. 149 00:06:02,457 --> 00:06:05,430 Relax, I'll get you to Dayton. 150 00:06:05,430 --> 00:06:06,700 Man, it almost feels like you like Beth 151 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:10,106 more than your own cousin. 152 00:06:10,106 --> 00:06:12,579 (phone dings) 153 00:06:12,579 --> 00:06:14,549 First official ride call. 154 00:06:14,549 --> 00:06:16,987 Less drawing, more customer service, okay? 155 00:06:16,987 --> 00:06:19,491 I need you on the switchboard. 156 00:06:20,828 --> 00:06:23,968 - Welcome to Kuber. - Welcome to Kuber. 157 00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:24,936 Hi. 158 00:06:24,936 --> 00:06:28,510 Oh, I am so glad that you guys are here. 159 00:06:28,510 --> 00:06:30,247 Where to, miss? 160 00:06:30,247 --> 00:06:31,984 Pockton, please. 161 00:06:31,984 --> 00:06:34,188 Why the hell would you ever wanna go to that hell hole? 162 00:06:34,188 --> 00:06:35,591 They're our sworn mortal enemies. 163 00:06:35,591 --> 00:06:37,327 - Yeah. - Oh, come on. 164 00:06:37,327 --> 00:06:39,064 - This is so silly. - Yeah? 165 00:06:39,064 --> 00:06:41,737 How about tell that to our uncle Nugget, okay? 166 00:06:41,737 --> 00:06:44,609 Last time he crossed town lines just to borrow a lawnmower 167 00:06:44,609 --> 00:06:46,178 he came back missing two fingers. 168 00:06:46,178 --> 00:06:47,615 Yeah, and his pants. 169 00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:50,220 To be fair, he didn't have pants on when he left, 170 00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:51,790 but that's not the point. 171 00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:56,365 Oh, you want gum? Cheese cube? Water? 172 00:06:56,365 --> 00:06:58,069 Oh, no thanks. 173 00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,171 You sure? 174 00:06:59,171 --> 00:07:00,608 I--I can waterfall you from here. 175 00:07:00,608 --> 00:07:03,479 I got perfect aim. Check it. 176 00:07:03,479 --> 00:07:07,354 I haven't been in this car in a long time. 177 00:07:07,354 --> 00:07:09,158 Oh, yeah, bet you and Father Joe 178 00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:11,663 had a lot of, uh, adventures in that backseat, huh? 179 00:07:11,663 --> 00:07:13,634 Stop, that's offensive. 180 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,405 Please do not let that affect your Yelp review. 181 00:07:18,611 --> 00:07:20,548 Okay, here we are. 182 00:07:20,548 --> 00:07:22,117 What? Where's the town? 183 00:07:22,117 --> 00:07:24,254 It's like a half a mile that way. 184 00:07:24,254 --> 00:07:25,758 This is as far as I'll go. 185 00:07:25,758 --> 00:07:28,196 Too many enemies across the line, okay? 186 00:07:28,196 --> 00:07:29,833 Oh, for heaven's sake. 187 00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:33,473 That'll be $20, minus your $1 first rider discount. 188 00:07:33,473 --> 00:07:35,845 Also, I have no change. 189 00:07:45,831 --> 00:07:47,702 Already headed to our second call. 190 00:07:47,702 --> 00:07:49,839 Minus snacks, we're up 10 bucks. 191 00:07:49,839 --> 00:07:51,510 That's what you call a success. 192 00:07:51,510 --> 00:07:54,348 Okay, reminder, the party starts in two hours. 193 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:57,321 I'm sorry, are you not enjoying that blueberry frozen drink 194 00:07:57,321 --> 00:08:00,393 purchased with my earnings? Perhaps you wanna speak to HR? 195 00:08:00,393 --> 00:08:02,364 Shut up, you are not the boss of me. 196 00:08:02,364 --> 00:08:03,967 (inaudible) 197 00:08:07,642 --> 00:08:09,713 So, Big Mandy, how's your day been going? 198 00:08:09,713 --> 00:08:11,850 I prefer not to talk to drivers. 199 00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:15,023 Understood. Customer's always right. 200 00:08:15,023 --> 00:08:19,566 Here. Put this in. 201 00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:23,707 ("Man! I Feel Like a Woman!" by Shania Twain) 202 00:08:23,707 --> 00:08:25,511 - BOTH: Let's go, girls. - (laughs) 203 00:08:25,511 --> 00:08:28,349 Yeah, turn this up! 204 00:08:28,349 --> 00:08:30,086 ♪ I'm going out tonight 205 00:08:30,086 --> 00:08:31,923 ♪ I'm feeling all right 206 00:08:31,923 --> 00:08:35,798 ♪ I'm gonna let it all hang out ♪ 207 00:08:35,798 --> 00:08:37,735 MANDY: People know I'm a winner. 208 00:08:37,735 --> 00:08:40,975 Arm wrestling, karaoke contests, 209 00:08:40,975 --> 00:08:43,580 making fruit preserves at the competitive level. 210 00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:45,316 I know I'm [bleep]. 211 00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:46,553 They know I'm [bleep]. 212 00:08:46,553 --> 00:08:49,158 I know they know I'm [bleep]. 213 00:08:49,158 --> 00:08:51,028 And that can be intimidating. 214 00:08:51,028 --> 00:08:52,965 But, see, they don't know everything about me. 215 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:55,504 They don't know how I bawl at baby panda videos, 216 00:08:55,504 --> 00:08:59,846 or how I read to the old folks at the library on Tuesdays. 217 00:08:59,846 --> 00:09:02,618 But just the romantic [bleep], 'cause that's my jam. 218 00:09:02,618 --> 00:09:04,856 I'm super emotional. 219 00:09:04,856 --> 00:09:07,260 Especially when you cross me. 220 00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:11,670 And then I get super emotional all over your sorry ass. 221 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,473 Why, hello there. 222 00:09:30,473 --> 00:09:32,010 What can I do you for? 223 00:09:32,010 --> 00:09:33,914 I am doing an investigative piece 224 00:09:33,914 --> 00:09:36,385 about the missing Flatch sign. 225 00:09:36,385 --> 00:09:38,122 Oh, hold up, you're, um-- 226 00:09:38,122 --> 00:09:41,696 you're the new editor of The Flatch Patriot, right? 227 00:09:41,696 --> 00:09:43,901 I am. Um, Cheryl Peterson. 228 00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:47,073 Jimmy Jameson. Publisher, Pockton Gazette. 229 00:09:47,073 --> 00:09:49,979 Oh, well, so nice to meet a fellow news hound. 230 00:09:49,979 --> 00:09:52,685 Mm-hmm, so you're saying your sign, it went missing? 231 00:09:52,685 --> 00:09:54,889 Oh, I know, it sounds so silly. 232 00:09:54,889 --> 00:09:58,697 I mean, a rivalry between two small towns? Why? 233 00:09:58,697 --> 00:10:00,968 (chuckles) Right? Well, I doubt it was stolen. 234 00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:04,408 It's probably just some Flatch kids getting into trouble, 235 00:10:04,408 --> 00:10:05,443 per usual. 236 00:10:05,611 --> 00:10:09,418 Actually, my sources say that it happens every single year, 237 00:10:09,418 --> 00:10:10,888 and it is someone in Pockton. 238 00:10:10,888 --> 00:10:15,063 If someone from Pockton, theoretically, stole your sign, 239 00:10:15,063 --> 00:10:19,438 I'd say you need to look far and wide... 240 00:10:19,438 --> 00:10:20,841 mm-hmm... 241 00:10:20,841 --> 00:10:26,686 in, but outside, to find it. 242 00:10:31,028 --> 00:10:33,299 Is that a riddle? 243 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:34,502 Is it? 244 00:10:34,502 --> 00:10:35,938 Okay. (giggles) 245 00:10:35,938 --> 00:10:38,442 Yeah, I see what you're doing. (laughs) 246 00:10:38,442 --> 00:10:39,612 - Yeah. - You are playing 247 00:10:39,612 --> 00:10:41,081 right into this rivalry, huh? 248 00:10:41,081 --> 00:10:43,520 Why would I bother competing against a sad rag 249 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,758 with a circulation of 508 250 00:10:45,758 --> 00:10:48,296 when I've won Best Regional Weekly... 251 00:10:50,601 --> 00:10:52,137 four years in a row now? 252 00:10:52,137 --> 00:10:54,809 Okey dokey, thank you so much for your help. 253 00:10:54,809 --> 00:10:58,717 Mm-hmm, any time, Cheryl. 254 00:10:58,717 --> 00:11:00,955 I'm actually at 534 now. 255 00:11:00,955 --> 00:11:02,758 You got to get your facts straight. 256 00:11:02,758 --> 00:11:06,131 It's a newspaper. 257 00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,739 All righty, ma'am. That will be $15. 258 00:11:09,739 --> 00:11:12,912 I'm gonna do you a solid and pay you in a tattoo. 259 00:11:12,912 --> 00:11:15,316 I'm doing an intro pricing at $50 a pop. 260 00:11:15,316 --> 00:11:17,688 - Ah, I prefer cash. - Yeah. 261 00:11:17,688 --> 00:11:19,224 I'm running a small business here. 262 00:11:19,224 --> 00:11:22,598 Yeah, same here. I just paid my tattoo kit off in full. 263 00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,167 Come on in, pick a design. 264 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,305 - Yeah, no thanks. - Yeah, we're, um, 265 00:11:26,305 --> 00:11:27,942 on a schedule right now, so... 266 00:11:27,942 --> 00:11:29,444 Yeah, well, some-- let's do it another time? 267 00:11:29,444 --> 00:11:30,313 Yeah. 268 00:11:30,313 --> 00:11:31,950 You don't think I'd be any good at it? 269 00:11:31,950 --> 00:11:33,319 - I don't--are you se--? - No. 270 00:11:33,319 --> 00:11:35,791 - I bet you're so good at it. - I bet you're really good. 271 00:11:35,791 --> 00:11:38,296 All right, come on, let's go. 272 00:11:44,876 --> 00:11:47,180 Mm. 273 00:11:47,180 --> 00:11:49,084 These are really unique. 274 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,322 I know, right? 275 00:11:51,322 --> 00:11:52,825 (clears throat, stammers) Why don't you just, uh, 276 00:11:52,825 --> 00:11:54,629 pick that rose? 277 00:11:54,629 --> 00:11:56,098 Hmm? 278 00:11:56,098 --> 00:11:57,668 No, that's, uh... 279 00:11:57,668 --> 00:11:59,739 that's Zayn Malik from One Direction. 280 00:12:00,841 --> 00:12:03,279 My tattoo art is heavily influenced 281 00:12:03,279 --> 00:12:07,354 by Keith Haring, Basquiat, 282 00:12:07,354 --> 00:12:11,730 and that little elephant they taught to paint. 283 00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:13,734 With a little brush. 284 00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,905 - You like The Rock? - Yeah. 285 00:12:15,905 --> 00:12:19,779 I got a design of him riding Jimmy Fallon like a bull. 286 00:12:19,779 --> 00:12:21,048 We can do that. 287 00:12:21,048 --> 00:12:22,985 Yeah, sure, that one would definitely take 288 00:12:22,985 --> 00:12:24,187 like a really long time, though, 289 00:12:24,187 --> 00:12:25,925 - so maybe something smaller? - Yeah, we don't really have-- 290 00:12:25,925 --> 00:12:31,068 - Yeah. - No, no, no, ten minutes, tops. 291 00:12:31,068 --> 00:12:32,939 As a female running a small business, 292 00:12:32,939 --> 00:12:35,143 I've, like, an obligation to support 293 00:12:35,143 --> 00:12:38,416 other female-run small businesses. 294 00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:44,595 And when a female-run tattoo removal shop opens, 295 00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,700 I'm gonna support them too. 296 00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:48,002 Just drop me off here. 297 00:12:48,002 --> 00:12:50,173 I'll--I'll take the bus to Dayton. 298 00:12:50,173 --> 00:12:52,511 I'm gonna remember you abandoning the business 299 00:12:52,511 --> 00:12:53,880 just as it was taking off, okay? 300 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,316 - Oh. - No stock options for you. 301 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,454 - Aw. - You just lost out on billions, 302 00:12:57,454 --> 00:12:58,991 bro. 303 00:12:58,991 --> 00:13:01,061 Billions. Yeah, well, guess what. 304 00:13:01,061 --> 00:13:04,034 I'm done with you, Jackie Chan. 305 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:08,577 It's Jackie Chain from Dragon Lord. 306 00:13:08,577 --> 00:13:10,547 That--those are teeny little feet, 307 00:13:10,547 --> 00:13:13,185 doing a backflip. 308 00:13:17,027 --> 00:13:21,335 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 309 00:13:21,335 --> 00:13:22,638 Fargas? 310 00:13:22,638 --> 00:13:24,207 No, Far--Far--Fargas. 311 00:13:24,207 --> 00:13:25,611 Fargas, no! 312 00:13:25,611 --> 00:13:28,717 No! Fargas! No! 313 00:13:28,717 --> 00:13:30,821 Damn it! 314 00:13:41,241 --> 00:13:43,045 You understand you're gonna have to start back 315 00:13:43,045 --> 00:13:44,582 in the training program now. 316 00:13:44,582 --> 00:13:47,253 Shut up. 317 00:13:47,253 --> 00:13:48,724 Oh, my God, Kelly. 318 00:13:48,724 --> 00:13:52,030 Look at this cringey music Father Joe jams to. 319 00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:53,800 - A-Men? - (chuckles) 320 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,938 It's like some cheesy church [bleep]. 321 00:13:55,938 --> 00:13:57,842 That's him, with the Bieber hair. 322 00:13:57,842 --> 00:13:59,011 - That's Father Joe! - Oh, my God. 323 00:13:59,011 --> 00:14:00,681 - Put it in! Put it in! - Shut up! 324 00:14:00,681 --> 00:14:02,985 Oh, my God, what? 325 00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:06,258 (upbeat music) 326 00:14:06,258 --> 00:14:09,131 (subdued laughter) 327 00:14:09,131 --> 00:14:11,335 Yes, it's true, I was in a very successful 328 00:14:11,335 --> 00:14:13,640 spiritual boy band in the late '90s. 329 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,378 We were huge in Germany. 330 00:14:16,378 --> 00:14:18,215 Yeah, that's me. ♪ Got you in my car 331 00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:20,319 Right there. ♪ Riding in the hood 332 00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:23,192 Lead singer, and I also did all the choreography. 333 00:14:23,192 --> 00:14:24,461 But of course, it was the Big Guy 334 00:14:24,461 --> 00:14:27,333 who was the lead, but you know what I mean? 335 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:30,339 Yeah, we, uh--we did a mega church tour. 336 00:14:30,339 --> 00:14:34,247 We were very popular on the sweet 16 party circuit. 337 00:14:34,247 --> 00:14:36,753 Then I decided to go on my own. 338 00:14:36,753 --> 00:14:38,657 Tiger Beat said that I was gonna be as big 339 00:14:38,657 --> 00:14:40,226 as Cosmopolitan Yogurt. 340 00:14:40,226 --> 00:14:44,234 It was a yogurt created by the magazine Cosmopolitan. 341 00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:45,671 (sighs) 342 00:14:45,671 --> 00:14:47,608 Yeah. 343 00:14:47,608 --> 00:14:48,777 Bad miscalculation. 344 00:14:48,777 --> 00:14:50,781 ♪ Heaven's our destination 345 00:14:50,781 --> 00:14:52,818 ♪ D-W-I, yeah, up there ♪ 346 00:14:52,818 --> 00:14:54,622 Whoo! 347 00:14:58,730 --> 00:15:02,938 Get out. Farr and Wyde? 348 00:15:02,938 --> 00:15:04,909 "In, but outside." 349 00:15:04,909 --> 00:15:07,447 In, but outside. 350 00:15:10,687 --> 00:15:12,658 Inn. 351 00:15:12,658 --> 00:15:15,229 Come on. Oh. 352 00:15:15,229 --> 00:15:20,473 Farr and Wyde, Inn, but outside. 353 00:15:23,847 --> 00:15:26,586 Yes! 354 00:15:26,586 --> 00:15:27,822 Okay. 355 00:15:27,822 --> 00:15:29,124 (grunts) 356 00:15:29,124 --> 00:15:30,994 (breathing heavily) 357 00:15:30,994 --> 00:15:33,499 Excuse me. Oh, watch your head. 358 00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,002 (giggles) 359 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:37,508 (breathing heavily) 360 00:15:38,510 --> 00:15:41,181 Dude, just... keep her from opening presents 361 00:15:41,181 --> 00:15:43,185 - until I get there, okay? - Get off the phone! 362 00:15:43,185 --> 00:15:44,622 (groans) 363 00:15:44,622 --> 00:15:46,559 Ugh, Mickey said they're eating Yorkshire pudding 364 00:15:46,559 --> 00:15:48,329 and I don't even know what that is, but the pudding part 365 00:15:48,329 --> 00:15:49,932 means that they're already at dessert, so thank you. 366 00:15:49,932 --> 00:15:51,836 (gasps) There's my dad. 367 00:15:51,836 --> 00:15:53,472 No, no, I beg you, please. 368 00:15:53,472 --> 00:15:55,611 - No. God! - Hi, Dad! 369 00:15:55,611 --> 00:15:56,746 You need a lift? 370 00:15:56,746 --> 00:15:59,151 I'm running a rideshare company now. 371 00:15:59,151 --> 00:16:01,155 You mean like a taxi? 372 00:16:01,155 --> 00:16:04,094 Uh, upscale chauffeured experience. 373 00:16:04,094 --> 00:16:05,731 Dads ride for free. 374 00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:08,269 Nah, I'm good. 375 00:16:08,269 --> 00:16:10,941 - I got a tattoo. - What'd you get? 376 00:16:10,941 --> 00:16:13,012 - Jackie Chan. - Yeah? 377 00:16:13,012 --> 00:16:14,749 From Armor of God ? 378 00:16:14,749 --> 00:16:15,951 Dragon Lord. 379 00:16:15,951 --> 00:16:18,389 (cell phone rings) Oh, Kell. 380 00:16:19,157 --> 00:16:21,161 Ah, that's an actual person, wants an actual ride. 381 00:16:21,161 --> 00:16:23,299 Wish I could stay. 382 00:16:23,299 --> 00:16:24,869 You know how it is running a business. 383 00:16:24,869 --> 00:16:27,240 Um, where are you? 384 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,010 Be safe. 385 00:16:30,547 --> 00:16:33,185 (giggling) 386 00:16:33,185 --> 00:16:35,924 Dude, I cannot believe you got our sign back. 387 00:16:35,924 --> 00:16:37,327 (laughing) I know! 388 00:16:37,327 --> 00:16:40,132 I have so much adrenaline coursing through my body. 389 00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:43,038 - Oh, my. - I could--I could knit a coat. 390 00:16:43,038 --> 00:16:45,176 - Pockton's gonna be so pissed. - Oh, my God. 391 00:16:45,176 --> 00:16:47,915 Like, this took the rivalry to a whole new level. 392 00:16:47,915 --> 00:16:49,919 They could come after us. 393 00:16:49,919 --> 00:16:51,556 That would be awesome. Group fight! 394 00:16:51,556 --> 00:16:53,125 Um, I don't know about you, 395 00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:56,331 but I think it's time for some celebratory tunes. 396 00:16:56,331 --> 00:16:59,639 (A-Men playing on CD player) 397 00:17:01,809 --> 00:17:03,914 Is this A-Men? 398 00:17:03,914 --> 00:17:05,851 I was the, uh, president, 399 00:17:05,851 --> 00:17:08,690 uh, of the first and... 400 00:17:08,690 --> 00:17:11,128 well, the only A-Men Fan Club. 401 00:17:11,128 --> 00:17:12,363 That's how Joe and I met. 402 00:17:12,363 --> 00:17:15,236 Oh, but, um, I wanna be clear. Uh, we didn't date back then. 403 00:17:15,236 --> 00:17:16,973 That would've been a huge conflict of interest. 404 00:17:16,973 --> 00:17:20,647 No, we--we ran into each other five years later at a car wash. 405 00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:23,018 He did that little thing that he does with his hip, 406 00:17:23,018 --> 00:17:24,622 you know. 407 00:17:24,622 --> 00:17:27,160 He ran his hands through his hair and I just... 408 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,767 (sighs) Goner. 409 00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:32,571 (sighs) 410 00:17:33,673 --> 00:17:36,445 Cheryl. Are you, uh... 411 00:17:36,445 --> 00:17:39,184 Are you okay? 412 00:17:40,854 --> 00:17:43,526 Yeah, I'm gonna get the... 413 00:17:43,526 --> 00:17:46,599 Do you, uh... Do you need help? 414 00:17:49,004 --> 00:17:50,941 (grunts) Uh-uh, uh-uh. 415 00:17:50,941 --> 00:17:52,310 No, I got it! I got it. 416 00:17:52,310 --> 00:17:53,880 (whispering) Sorry. 417 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:55,182 Ooh! 418 00:17:55,182 --> 00:17:57,220 (sign scraping loudly) 419 00:17:59,257 --> 00:18:01,161 Hi, I need my car. 420 00:18:01,161 --> 00:18:03,065 (screaming) No! No! 421 00:18:05,136 --> 00:18:07,675 Father, just so you know, your selfish need 422 00:18:07,675 --> 00:18:09,679 to visit a parishioner has kept me from the woman 423 00:18:09,679 --> 00:18:10,514 that I love. 424 00:18:10,580 --> 00:18:12,483 Oh, I didn't know you had a girlfriend. 425 00:18:12,483 --> 00:18:14,588 - Yeah, well, I do. - He doesn't, okay? 426 00:18:14,588 --> 00:18:17,026 He lusts after Beth and she doesn't know he exists. 427 00:18:17,026 --> 00:18:18,295 - Shut up. - Well, then you need 428 00:18:18,295 --> 00:18:19,699 to show her that you exist, 429 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,270 take your light from underneath your bushel. 430 00:18:22,270 --> 00:18:24,207 Yeah. Wait, is that your-- 431 00:18:24,207 --> 00:18:25,944 He doesn't mean your wenis, doofus. 432 00:18:25,944 --> 00:18:29,050 Shut up, I knew that. 433 00:18:29,050 --> 00:18:31,421 JUNE: So I told Luanne 434 00:18:31,421 --> 00:18:34,094 if she insisted on growing her ferns 435 00:18:34,094 --> 00:18:36,064 so close to my property line, 436 00:18:36,064 --> 00:18:38,737 it would be her job to trim them. 437 00:18:38,737 --> 00:18:40,574 - I see. - And she hasn't. 438 00:18:40,574 --> 00:18:43,178 And don't get me started on her invasive sumac. 439 00:18:43,178 --> 00:18:45,182 Oh, we won't. 440 00:18:45,182 --> 00:18:47,320 It's like living in The Jungle Book. 441 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:48,657 June, I thought you said this was an emergency. 442 00:18:48,657 --> 00:18:51,663 I wrote her a note and left it on her door, 443 00:18:51,663 --> 00:18:53,399 and she won't respond. 444 00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:55,871 Let me take care of this. I'm gonna talk to Luanne. 445 00:18:55,871 --> 00:18:57,608 Thank you, Father. 446 00:18:57,608 --> 00:18:59,344 More ginger snaps? 447 00:18:59,344 --> 00:19:01,348 I got the recipe from Brenda Haskell. 448 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:03,185 Guess what the secret ingredient is. 449 00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:06,425 - Old man thumb. - Oh, my God, nobody cares 450 00:19:06,425 --> 00:19:07,928 about your ferns or your cookies 451 00:19:07,928 --> 00:19:09,064 or your gimpy leg 452 00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:10,534 that swells when it rains, June. 453 00:19:10,534 --> 00:19:13,105 Well, you would if it were your leg. 454 00:19:13,105 --> 00:19:15,777 Also this is mine now. 455 00:19:15,777 --> 00:19:17,480 I--I can't let him go alone. 456 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,685 Yeah, I'm gonna come with you. Please, please, please. 457 00:19:19,685 --> 00:19:22,558 But, Father, you haven't guessed the ingredient yet. 458 00:19:22,558 --> 00:19:24,829 (exhales deeply) 459 00:19:29,070 --> 00:19:30,807 Okay, five minutes to spare. 460 00:19:36,485 --> 00:19:41,428 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 461 00:19:41,428 --> 00:19:43,198 My bro. 462 00:19:43,198 --> 00:19:45,236 You missed the soiree of the century. 463 00:19:45,236 --> 00:19:46,906 - MICKEY: (chuckles) - MANDY: Hey! 464 00:19:46,906 --> 00:19:48,242 Jackie Chan! 465 00:19:48,242 --> 00:19:50,212 I need another ride. 466 00:19:50,212 --> 00:19:52,116 I can't hear you. No one's in the car. 467 00:19:52,116 --> 00:19:54,989 I need another ride. 468 00:19:54,989 --> 00:19:55,791 - What's wrong? - Hey! 469 00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:57,628 Kelly's gonna get another crappy tattoo. 470 00:19:57,628 --> 00:20:00,534 You got to be kidding me. Are you serious? 471 00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:02,838 (engine starts, tires squeal) 472 00:20:02,838 --> 00:20:04,074 Squirrel! 473 00:20:04,074 --> 00:20:06,178 (tires squeal) 474 00:20:12,991 --> 00:20:14,294 What is that? 475 00:20:15,530 --> 00:20:18,435 So Kelly had to buy Beth's dad a new mailbox 476 00:20:18,435 --> 00:20:22,544 and also replace the bumper on Father Joe's car. 477 00:20:22,544 --> 00:20:25,817 She's working that part off by mowing the church lawn. 478 00:20:25,817 --> 00:20:28,823 Levi, does that look like a straight line to you? 479 00:20:28,823 --> 00:20:33,566 Are we gonna need some more performance reviews, people? 480 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:34,735 KELLY: What do people have? Grass. 481 00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:36,271 What do they need? 482 00:20:36,271 --> 00:20:38,008 Someone to cut it. What do I have? 483 00:20:38,008 --> 00:20:39,477 Business sense. 484 00:20:39,477 --> 00:20:42,584 Welcome to Mallet's Mowers, yard and field maintenance. 485 00:20:42,584 --> 00:20:44,989 But we're only open from 4:00 to 5:00 p. m. 486 00:20:44,989 --> 00:20:46,024 after school. 487 00:20:46,191 --> 00:20:48,563 We don't provide the lawnmower. That's on the customer. 488 00:20:48,563 --> 00:20:50,901 Also, we shut down in the summer. 489 00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:51,736 Too hot. 490 00:20:51,736 --> 00:20:52,871 SHRUB: Check it out. 491 00:20:52,871 --> 00:20:55,309 I stole June's cookies and her napkin 492 00:20:55,309 --> 00:20:57,948 and made this. 493 00:21:03,526 --> 00:21:05,362 (grunts) 494 00:21:08,903 --> 00:21:10,841 No! 495 00:21:12,578 --> 00:21:15,049 No. 496 00:21:15,049 --> 00:21:18,055 Those aren't yours. 497 00:21:18,055 --> 00:21:21,328 (panting) 498 00:21:24,969 --> 00:21:27,073 No! 499 00:21:27,073 --> 00:21:29,945 God.