1 00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:11,411 (cow moos) 2 00:00:11,411 --> 00:00:14,314 So it's actually a pretty big day, so gotta fuel up. 3 00:00:14,314 --> 00:00:16,884 Today's actually gonna be our first Saturday apart 4 00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,752 from each other since, like, 2004 5 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:21,822 because I got a job. 6 00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:22,956 Um, yeah. 7 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,157 I'm working at 8 00:00:24,157 --> 00:00:26,760 Dylan's dad's car dealership, which is crazy. 9 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,228 -I'm so pumped up though. -Yeah. 10 00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:30,330 I've got a ton of plans today too, so it's no big deal 11 00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:32,065 that Shrub can't be around, you know? 12 00:00:32,065 --> 00:00:34,201 I can finally cross some stuff off my to-do list, 13 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,803 which I would show you guys, but it's a private list. 14 00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:40,207 Uh, and, you know, just know that it's really long, so... 15 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:44,444 I guess I'm just, like, hoping for new friendships? 16 00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:46,547 Also to mess with people's radio presets. 17 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,016 -Because I think that's--Kelly? -(wheezes, gags) 18 00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:51,451 (choking) 19 00:00:51,451 --> 00:00:55,322 Not cool, Kelly! Smaller bites today, maybe? 20 00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,624 It's fine, okay? I can Heimlich myself. 21 00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:00,294 (dog barking) 22 00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:03,063 I just don't know where to go after peace be with you. 23 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,132 Dot, dot, dot. You got the three dots? 24 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:07,701 Yeah. It's called an ellipsis. 25 00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:11,538 On Saturdays, Joe dictates his sermon and I type it up. 26 00:01:11,538 --> 00:01:15,142 But today he was dealing with some major writer's block, 27 00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:17,010 making that expression my dog makes 28 00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,879 when she feels constipated. 29 00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:21,782 And honestly, it's real uncomfortable. 30 00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:23,417 (groans) 31 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,885 Hmm. 32 00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,520 I could do Footprints on the Beach. 33 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,956 I think we both know you're better than that. 34 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:30,157 Ugh! Okay, you know what? 35 00:01:30,157 --> 00:01:31,892 I'm gonna go out for a bit, all right? 36 00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,427 I'm gonna head to the driving range. 37 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,295 Hitting balls always helps me clear my head. 38 00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:37,764 -You gonna play hooky? -Only for a few hours. 39 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,032 Come on. 40 00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:40,334 If anybody asks, you just cover for me. 41 00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,636 You say I'm, uh, doing, like, a hospice thing. 42 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:43,871 Too sad? 43 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,005 Oh, you decide. 44 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,707 Welcome to Parney Motors. 45 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,242 I'm gonna give you a tour. 46 00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:52,713 Um, right here we got the uh, sort of office car situation. 47 00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:56,416 Uh, we got a vending machine back there, a couple trophies, 48 00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:59,286 a gumball machine with a bunch of candies. 49 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:03,991 Um, over here, we have the beverage station, 50 00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:07,094 unlimited sugar packets, which is dope. 51 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:10,030 Um, over there, I don't know, but I'm guessing 52 00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:12,599 that's where me and the boys are gonna chillax. 53 00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:15,602 Um, let's see what else. We've got pamphlets over there. 54 00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:16,870 -Hey, man. -Hey, Dylan. 55 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,038 -Good to see you. -Good to see you too. 56 00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:19,973 -Glad the job worked out. -Yeah. 57 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,275 Well, let me show you the detailing bay. 58 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:24,878 This area's sort of for customers and uh, suits. 59 00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,713 -Oh. -It's my dad's rule. 60 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:27,848 -It's not mine. -Yeah. 61 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:30,184 -I was wondering. -Yeah. 62 00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,386 But I'd love to catch up with you later though. 63 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:37,024 (screams) Kelly, what the heck? 64 00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:39,092 Hey, Father Joe. I can't talk for long. 65 00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,295 -I have a really busy day. -Yeah, me too. 66 00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:43,063 I'm headed to the driving range. 67 00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:45,265 I've got some serious sermon brainstorming to do. 68 00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:47,401 Okay, look at you, Tiger Woods. 69 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,769 I could come along if you wanted. 70 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,871 I think I can use some time alone. 71 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,773 Me too. You read my mind. 72 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:53,740 (sighs) 73 00:02:57,477 --> 00:02:58,478 -Don't-- -Oh. 74 00:02:58,478 --> 00:02:59,413 Mugs are earned. 75 00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:02,583 All right, people. Time to get to work. 76 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:03,717 Phones in the box. 77 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,291 Can't have any texting in the bay. 78 00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:13,827 You need to stay alert, focused. 79 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,529 No more accidents. 80 00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:19,900 Last guy was swiping on Tinder and fell face first 81 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,769 into the nozzle of an industrial vac. 82 00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:24,404 They can do a lot with prosthetics, 83 00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:27,074 but at the end of the day, he really misses his nose. 84 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,510 SHRUB: So as far as I can tell, 85 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:32,579 detailing means cleaning, which sucks, 86 00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:36,016 but I'm really trying to get in good with these guys. 87 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,518 Especially Dave. 88 00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,787 Hey, working hard or hardly working, 89 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,756 am I right, uh, fellas? 90 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,033 So where the hell are all the gophers? 91 00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:55,269 Or is Caddyshack just like totally fiction? 92 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:58,005 FATHER JOE: Oh, no. This is so fun. 93 00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:01,508 Yeah, Kelly is, as always, a hoot. 94 00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:02,509 Here's the thing. 95 00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:04,878 I need to take this time to destress and focus, 96 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:07,147 #Selfcare, et cetera. 97 00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:08,415 And I still don't have my sermon yet, 98 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,852 and that's kind of literally my only job. 99 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:13,387 Shoe! 100 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,691 Shoe! 101 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:20,727 Shoe! 102 00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:27,568 -Don't screw up! -Cheese and crackers! 103 00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:29,269 -(laughs) -Kelly! 104 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,773 I just--I need some peace and quiet, okay? 105 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,308 Please respect that. 106 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:37,044 Fine, I'll just go find some used balls. 107 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,746 That's what she said. (laughs) 108 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,486 Hi, hi. You up for some lunch? 109 00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:47,955 No, I'm busy. 110 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,424 -Oh, what you workin' on? -Joe's sermon. 111 00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:53,560 Makin' some grammatical changes and spicin' it up 112 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,630 so people don't fall asleep and choke on their drool. 113 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,698 Oh, I usually-- 114 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,133 well, you know, I--I used to do that for his sermons. 115 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,201 I can take a look. 116 00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:04,471 No, I got it. It's my job, so... 117 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:07,174 Oh, sorta my job too, because I'm a professional writer. 118 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:08,909 Editing just gets me so jazzed up. 119 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,911 Cheryl, you need to back the hell up right now. 120 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,313 -I am backed up. -This is stupid. 121 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,883 Joe's out playing golf and we're both fighting over 122 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:18,318 who gets to do his work for him. 123 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,621 This is some patriarchy [bleep]. 124 00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:23,123 We should play hooky too. 125 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,325 'Cause I'm not gonna let you see the sermon, so... 126 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,428 Yeah, no, I don't wanna. Let's play hooky. 127 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:30,664 Ladies' day. 128 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,566 Don't do that. 129 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,737 (indistinct chatter) 130 00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:41,108 -(car beeps) -SHRUB: Oh. 131 00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,944 Oh, I-I-I didn't touch anything. 132 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:45,279 I don't know why that just did that. 133 00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:46,813 You gotta really get in there, Shrub. 134 00:05:46,813 --> 00:05:48,282 -Okay. -Yeah. 135 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:52,319 -(grunts) -Nice. 136 00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:54,855 SHRUB (muffled): Wait, what? Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys. 137 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,089 -(laughing) -(car alarm blaring) 138 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,892 Hey! Hey, guys! 139 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,295 Turn it off! 140 00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:05,098 Very funny, guys. Very funny. 141 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,301 Traditional hazing. 142 00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:09,770 Can't wait to see what you guys did to my sandwich. 143 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,839 You don't mess with a man's sandwich. 144 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,007 Sometimes, that's all that he has. 145 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,976 We did try and flush his hat down the toilet, though. 146 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:17,978 He just put it right back on. 147 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,080 That kid's either all right or all wrong. 148 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,448 Still deciding. 149 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,888 Kelly! 150 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,489 Kelly, look out! 151 00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:30,624 -(yelps) -Ooh! 152 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:33,260 (screaming) 153 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,362 -Kelly! -(screaming, groans) 154 00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,367 Oh, geez! 155 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:41,802 -(groaning) -Kelly, I am so sorry! 156 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,003 Where does it hurt? 157 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,972 Shooting pains all up and down. 158 00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:47,040 And yeah, big deal, I didn't shave my legs, 159 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,909 'cause it's not Tuesday--ow! 160 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,677 (stammering) I don't see any marks! 161 00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:51,879 -(screams) -Oh, geez! 162 00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:53,113 I didn't touch anything. 163 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,915 SHRUB: Kelly says she hates drama, 164 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,683 but I one time called her a drama queen, 165 00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:59,887 and she didn't talk to me for two days, so... 166 00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:01,655 do the math. 167 00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:04,992 (both grunting) 168 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,761 Oh, um, do you need a wheelchair? 169 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,229 There's no time! 170 00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,565 Well, good. Thank you. 171 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:12,599 Okay. 172 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,570 (groans) 173 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,105 (phones ringing) 174 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,040 Are you not able to bend? 175 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,042 Just bend your knees to sit down? 176 00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:24,311 -I don't trust them right now. -Your knees? 177 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:25,712 KELLY: The most serious injuries 178 00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:26,980 are the ones you cannot see. 179 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,882 Like, they're called medical mysteries. 180 00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,150 (deep breath) So, yeah, 181 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,686 there's no visible mark on my leg, yet, 182 00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:34,254 but I feel pain all over. 183 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,490 The human body is designed to betray you. 184 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,725 Like, this is way more than a bruise, dude. 185 00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,327 (sighs) 186 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,867 I did not need this today. 187 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,101 This will teach Shrub to abandon me 188 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,736 on a Saturday of all days. 189 00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:50,904 Okay, just calm down. 190 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,139 Have you tried calling him? 191 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,341 Uh, duh! He's in my emergency contacts, 192 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,976 so of course, I've tried calling him. 193 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,211 I've texted him. 194 00:07:57,211 --> 00:07:59,079 (sighs) I even sent him the poop emoji, 195 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,914 which is our code for [bleep] going down. 196 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,950 Nothing. I'm totally alone. 197 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,518 No offense. 198 00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:07,254 Is there anyone who could come be with you right now, 199 00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:08,989 like maybe your mom or your dad? 200 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:12,693 I don't want to be a burden. (groans) 201 00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:13,894 Well, it's just that, you know, 202 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:16,129 I haven't exactly finished my sermon, so... 203 00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:19,533 I thought that was you, Father Joe, out in the wild. 204 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,935 Don't mean to bother you. Just want to let you know 205 00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,338 you seem to be parked in a red zone out there. 206 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:25,839 Ah, geez! 207 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,908 Thanks. I'll go move it. 208 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:31,311 Ugh! Ow! Ah-ha-ha! 209 00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:39,686 Ugh. 210 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:43,790 -Guys givin' you a hard time? -Not really. 211 00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:45,859 I can take it. 212 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,027 (whispers) Kinda. 213 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,695 You just gotta prove yourself. 214 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,130 Then they'll leave you alone. 215 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,999 I can see that you are an artist, Shrub. 216 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:53,233 SHRUB: Really? 217 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,569 Wait, did you see my wall art by the urinal? 218 00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:56,770 What? No. 219 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,005 I saw you vacuum the word "boobs" 220 00:08:58,005 --> 00:08:59,806 into that Camry carpet. 221 00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,708 That is something I can work with. 222 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:02,910 Hell, yeah. 223 00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:05,012 But I don't just apprentice anyone. 224 00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:06,713 You have to be willing to do the work. 225 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,115 Okay. 226 00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:09,216 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 227 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,951 What about the guy that fell 228 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,085 and doesn't have a nose anymore? 229 00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,754 -Shh. -Oh, God. 230 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,656 -Relax. -I don't like this. 231 00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:16,723 I do not like this. 232 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,862 Now vacuum the crumbs. 233 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:24,097 Yeah, but I don't see the crumbs. 234 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,733 You have to feel them. 235 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:27,968 Oh, my God. 236 00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,003 Take a deep breath. 237 00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:35,576 Long enough to say the word "Linda" in your head. 238 00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,578 Linda. 239 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,813 Yes. 240 00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:41,715 -You got this. -Ah! 241 00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:42,950 (vacuum whirs) 242 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,818 SHRUB: Linda is a great boss. 243 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,387 Other than Father Joe, basically zero other adults 244 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:50,524 have ever believed I could do anything, ever. 245 00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:53,093 Plus I'm used to having strong women tell me what to do. 246 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,362 I mean, even Beth had a quiet command of the room. 247 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,965 Linda, she kinda reminds me of my Nan a little bit, 248 00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,767 but like, way more mobile. 249 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,102 Broader shoulders. 250 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,239 -(waxer whirs) -Oh! 251 00:10:05,239 --> 00:10:08,041 I have not been day drinking in ages. 252 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:10,277 All right, Sandra Dee. Calm down. 253 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,980 Part of playing hooky is not making a big deal about it. 254 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,382 Hi. Can we get two chardonnays? 255 00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:18,218 Oh, with ice, please, if you've got it. 256 00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:22,356 -Ice? -To keep it cold. 257 00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:23,357 Ice? 258 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,103 (sighs) 259 00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,272 Hold my phone. I need to update my followers. 260 00:10:38,272 --> 00:10:41,808 Grotesque injuries equal crazy views. 261 00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,578 (breathes out) Okay, hold it up. 262 00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:45,646 Okay. 263 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,648 Ugh! (panting) 264 00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:48,749 What's up, homies? 265 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:51,585 Just currently living that emergency room life. 266 00:10:51,585 --> 00:10:56,223 If I don't make it out of here, I love every single one of you. 267 00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:57,925 Except, you know who you are. 268 00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:01,161 So basically, I took a ball to the kneecap at close range. 269 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,864 It was, like, fwho. And I was, like, aaah! 270 00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,332 (panting) 271 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,467 Kay, let me see. 272 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:11,371 FATHER JOE: Her injury seems to be getting worse? 273 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:12,706 I don't even know how that's possible. 274 00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:13,874 I mean, to be perfectly frank, 275 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,810 I think it, uh, isn't very serious. 276 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,846 I mean, we have been here for an eternity. 277 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,180 You know, hooky in small doses is fine, 278 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,216 but this is downright irresponsible. 279 00:11:22,216 --> 00:11:24,384 Father Joe, I need help going to the bathroom. 280 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:28,055 (grunting) 281 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,323 -It's number two. -(sighs) 282 00:11:32,593 --> 00:11:35,896 Oh, I should find my phone and text that to Kelly. 283 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:39,099 She loves baby animals taking on the big scary world. 284 00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:41,001 -Hey, kid. -Hey. 285 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:42,970 We're gonna watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 286 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,872 It's what we do on our lunch break. 287 00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,240 Yeah, no, I get it. 288 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,242 Uh, let me just get outta your hair. 289 00:11:48,242 --> 00:11:51,545 No, you can join us if you want. 290 00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:52,546 -Really? -Yeah. 291 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,114 Yeah? Oh. 292 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,249 Okay, yeah. Totally. 293 00:11:55,249 --> 00:11:57,017 Hey, I was just checkin' to see 294 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,585 if you wanted to grab some Arby's. 295 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:04,725 Roast beef on me. 296 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,159 Uh, yeah, right, Dylan. 297 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,695 I would rather buff my own balls than get lunch with you. 298 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:11,965 Oh, and by the way, no suits allowed, dude. 299 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,800 DYLAN: Did it hurt my feelings? 300 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,536 -All right. -That's that. 301 00:12:15,536 --> 00:12:16,970 DYLAN: Kinda. 302 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,105 It was more surprising than anything. 303 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,373 I was just trying to be nice. 304 00:12:19,373 --> 00:12:20,841 Hey, Dylan, Dylan. So sorry about that. 305 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,009 I've just got to keep up appearances, 306 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:23,443 you know what I mean? 307 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,179 It's just, like, really not cool to be seen with you, 308 00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:28,248 which is the opposite thing of high school, I know. 309 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:31,652 World's crazy, but um, I'll see you later, okay? 310 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:36,390 (car engine turns over) 311 00:12:36,390 --> 00:12:40,093 MANDY: I gotta say, the ice was a good call. 312 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,029 -Thank you. -Well, hey there. 313 00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:44,198 You know, I couldn't help but notice, 314 00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:46,867 even from all the way over there, 315 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:51,405 that your eyes are intoxicating. 316 00:12:51,405 --> 00:12:52,239 I know. 317 00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:54,641 Oh, who here has tried colored contacts? 318 00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:03,250 Well, I need to use the little girls' room, 319 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,687 but, uh, will you watch my wine? 320 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:13,260 That lady is layin' it on thick. 321 00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:15,562 I haven't been hit on like that in a while. 322 00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:20,200 Oh, my gosh. I didn't even notice! 323 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,402 Yeah, I can barely navigate heterosexual flirting. 324 00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:24,838 No, when she comes back, I'm gonna be your wingman-- 325 00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:26,240 your wingperson-- it's a wing woman--what? 326 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,809 That's--no, that's not necessary. 327 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:29,977 No, listen, I used to do this 328 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,145 for my friends in Minneapolis all the time. 329 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,781 Consider the deal sealed. 330 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,450 (sighs) 331 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,986 If you're ordering a pizza, I'll take the-- 332 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,654 No, I'm trying to reach Mandy, 333 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:42,322 but she's not answering. 334 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,124 PARISHIONER: I warmed up the doctor for you. 335 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,226 Oh, thanks, but I'm here for her. 336 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,029 Oh, so nice of you to take the entire day off 337 00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,832 before the real work happens tomorrow on Sunday. 338 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,867 Well, I'm not taking the day off. 339 00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,636 And uh, my sermon is already done, 340 00:13:55,636 --> 00:13:57,204 so I don't know what you're talkin' about. 341 00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,306 He hit me with a projectile. 342 00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,844 Peace be with you. 343 00:14:03,844 --> 00:14:05,445 Also with you. 344 00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:10,851 -Hey, hey, Kelly? -Mm? 345 00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:13,754 Um, if anyone asks, 346 00:14:13,754 --> 00:14:14,888 you don't really have to give them 347 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:17,057 all the details of today, okay? 348 00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,859 Like, no one needs to know 349 00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:20,360 I was on the other end of that ball. 350 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,863 Or that I was even playing golf at all. 351 00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,131 -Oh. -I mean, none of that. 352 00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:25,999 So, you want me to lie for you. 353 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:27,267 But you wouldn't let me write 354 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:29,703 that I was a stunt woman on the intake form. 355 00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:30,804 Wow. 356 00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:32,973 No, it's not a lie. 357 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,142 It's an omission of truth. 358 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:36,677 I think you're getting a parking ticket. 359 00:14:36,677 --> 00:14:39,279 No. No! 360 00:14:40,514 --> 00:14:42,082 No! No! 361 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:46,186 Shrub, I got a job for you. It's an important one. 362 00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:47,821 But I think you're ready for it. 363 00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:49,823 Locked and loaded. Ride or die. 364 00:14:49,823 --> 00:14:52,860 God and glory. Let's go. 365 00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:55,462 Classic Mazda SUV. 366 00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:58,131 Didn't look like much at first, but this thing was tricked out. 367 00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,234 Leather steering wheel, 368 00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:02,302 so you know I busted out that horsehair. 369 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,371 Before today, I hadn't cleaned anything 370 00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:08,375 that wasn't my own body or, like, a dish. 371 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,844 But Linda taught me that everything can be 372 00:15:10,844 --> 00:15:14,014 just a little bit cleaner. 373 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,583 Also, I figured out a way to ride the buffer around. 374 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:20,687 Did you know that Mandy is an accomplished tattoo artist? 375 00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:22,189 Oh, really? 376 00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,191 Well, this is kind of embarrassing, 377 00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:28,328 but I have a tattoo of a little bundt cake on my ankle. 378 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:30,564 Oh, I love bundt cake. Sliding Doors moment. 379 00:15:30,564 --> 00:15:31,365 Mm. 380 00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:33,834 That's--that's not how that works. 381 00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:35,135 Do you enjoy baking? 382 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:36,703 -I do not. -CHERYL: Yes. 383 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,105 Me too. 384 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:40,574 Okay, right here, right now, 385 00:15:40,574 --> 00:15:42,009 favorite recipe blog. 386 00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:44,711 On the count of three. One, two. 387 00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:45,946 -Muffin... -BOTH: To Worry About! 388 00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:47,781 -Yes! Oh, I love that! -No way. 389 00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:49,683 Ooh, woo-hoo! 390 00:15:49,683 --> 00:15:51,018 MANDY: This is hilarious. 391 00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:53,787 Honestly, Maureen is not my type. 392 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:56,256 My type plays it cool, 393 00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:57,691 has a little meat on their bones, 394 00:15:57,691 --> 00:16:01,028 and owns zero cardigans if they're a woman, 395 00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:04,131 lots of cardigans if they're a man. 396 00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,366 It's really important. 397 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,170 -Great job, son. -Thanks, Mom. 398 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,539 -Oh, no, that's not-- -No, no, that's--Linda, sorry. 399 00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,241 Wait, what? No. 400 00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:17,010 It's Dylan's car? Thanks for telling me. 401 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,378 (engine turns over) 402 00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:22,216 Oh, wait, w-w-w-w-w-- no, no, no, no, ah! 403 00:16:22,216 --> 00:16:24,751 Are you seriously kidding me right now, Dylan? 404 00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,186 I just did a counterclockwise rubdown 405 00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,555 of every single inch of this hood. 406 00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:30,557 (inhales deeply) 407 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:33,293 Lin-da. 408 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:34,528 I'm sorry that I yelled at you. 409 00:16:34,528 --> 00:16:36,296 I'm just--it's insane to me that these cars 410 00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:38,966 are going to get dirty again when they leave here. 411 00:16:38,966 --> 00:16:41,768 -No problem. -(sighs) 412 00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:42,803 Parking here in a red zone. 413 00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:44,104 I'm Father Joe, okay? I can't-- 414 00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,772 That's one heck of a parking space there. 415 00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,841 No. Please, no, please. 416 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,743 Okay, then-- 417 00:16:49,743 --> 00:16:51,378 -What are you do-- -Oh, my God. 418 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,080 I cannot believe that Shrub is missing this. 419 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,349 It almost makes me forget about my leg. 420 00:16:56,617 --> 00:16:57,784 You know what? 421 00:16:57,784 --> 00:16:59,620 -It really hurts bad though. -Come on! 422 00:17:03,825 --> 00:17:06,160 We have been waiting here 423 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,962 for four hours. 424 00:17:07,962 --> 00:17:10,898 Four hours! And we have got no updates! 425 00:17:10,898 --> 00:17:13,835 And we just sit there. And she's in pain, okay? 426 00:17:13,835 --> 00:17:15,002 So I don't know what it's going to take 427 00:17:15,002 --> 00:17:17,605 to be seen by a doctor here, but let me know! 428 00:17:17,605 --> 00:17:19,240 Because I've had enough! 429 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:23,144 (slow claps) 430 00:17:23,144 --> 00:17:25,213 Kelly? Nope. 431 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:27,749 You're next. 432 00:17:28,983 --> 00:17:31,252 Excellent. 433 00:17:31,252 --> 00:17:32,520 So I said to him, 434 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,555 this is false advertising. 435 00:17:34,555 --> 00:17:37,291 This is not a snuggie. It's a slanket! 436 00:17:37,291 --> 00:17:38,760 (laughter) 437 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,962 Maureen, you are a gem and a half. 438 00:17:40,962 --> 00:17:43,498 Well, the same could be said about you. 439 00:17:43,498 --> 00:17:45,133 Mm. 440 00:17:46,534 --> 00:17:49,704 Look, I know you two are a packaged deal. 441 00:17:49,704 --> 00:17:52,673 And frankly, I'm into it. 442 00:17:52,673 --> 00:17:54,308 So what do you say, 443 00:17:54,308 --> 00:17:56,444 we go get a room at the Red Roof 444 00:17:56,444 --> 00:17:58,813 and see where the afternoon takes us? 445 00:18:00,415 --> 00:18:02,250 Oh, I'm not sure that sounds so... 446 00:18:02,250 --> 00:18:06,421 That's going to be a hard no, but we appreciate the offer. 447 00:18:06,421 --> 00:18:08,656 Totally understand. 448 00:18:08,656 --> 00:18:13,628 But, if you change your mind, I am here every Saturday. 449 00:18:13,628 --> 00:18:15,096 Not because I have no life, 450 00:18:15,096 --> 00:18:19,100 but because I'm a sexually frustrated alcoholic, so... 451 00:18:22,937 --> 00:18:26,340 CHERYL: Oh, I can't believe that just happened! 452 00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:28,209 Oh, my gosh, Mandy. She thought we were a couple! 453 00:18:28,209 --> 00:18:29,410 (laughing) 454 00:18:29,410 --> 00:18:31,179 (laughing) I know! 455 00:18:31,179 --> 00:18:32,914 It kills me! 456 00:18:34,348 --> 00:18:37,051 You and I together! 457 00:18:37,051 --> 00:18:39,887 Even if we were the last two people in Flatch, 458 00:18:39,887 --> 00:18:43,558 I would still scoot my ass over to [bleep] Pockton. 459 00:18:43,558 --> 00:18:45,593 (laughing) 460 00:18:45,593 --> 00:18:48,229 I know, right? 461 00:18:48,229 --> 00:18:49,764 Wait, what? 462 00:18:51,332 --> 00:18:54,368 Oh! That was cool. 463 00:18:54,368 --> 00:18:56,204 Hey, kid. 464 00:18:58,039 --> 00:19:00,174 You did good today. 465 00:19:00,174 --> 00:19:01,642 Thanks. 466 00:19:01,642 --> 00:19:04,412 We don't give the Dilbert Y2K mug to just anybody. 467 00:19:04,412 --> 00:19:06,280 We always split the loose change 468 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,415 we find in the car seats. 469 00:19:07,415 --> 00:19:11,385 Here you go. 17 cents for a job well done. 470 00:19:11,385 --> 00:19:14,288 -Oh. -Welcome aboard. 471 00:19:14,288 --> 00:19:16,157 Nope, nope, nope. 472 00:19:17,792 --> 00:19:21,028 Oh, my God. That's just--that's crazy. 473 00:19:22,196 --> 00:19:23,264 Oh, my God. 474 00:19:23,264 --> 00:19:27,001 Wait, 158 missed calls and texts from Kelly? 475 00:19:27,001 --> 00:19:29,537 Oh, my God, that's the poop emoji, [bleep]. 476 00:19:29,537 --> 00:19:31,372 I told her to go easy today. 477 00:19:31,372 --> 00:19:32,907 Yeah, I mean, I'm not surprised 478 00:19:32,907 --> 00:19:34,375 that Kelly went to urgent care, 479 00:19:34,375 --> 00:19:37,412 but um, low key... 480 00:19:37,412 --> 00:19:39,480 Dude, today was, like, the best day. 481 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,784 Like, I have new friends that actually think that I'm cool, 482 00:19:42,784 --> 00:19:46,154 and people who, like, appreciate my artistry. 483 00:19:46,154 --> 00:19:48,122 I mean, oh, man. I just-- 484 00:19:48,122 --> 00:19:50,825 I want to feel this fulfilled every single day of my life. 485 00:19:50,825 --> 00:19:55,163 And I'm getting paid! Money! 486 00:19:55,163 --> 00:19:57,932 Uh, adult much? 487 00:20:00,268 --> 00:20:02,837 KELLY: So it's like a really big bruise. 488 00:20:02,837 --> 00:20:04,338 Like, bruise isn't even the right word for it. 489 00:20:04,338 --> 00:20:05,673 It's like a contusion. 490 00:20:05,673 --> 00:20:07,708 Well, she said it could've been a contusion 491 00:20:07,708 --> 00:20:08,876 if I'd been hit just a little harder. 492 00:20:08,976 --> 00:20:12,713 Father Joe definitely didn't need to hulk out like that, 493 00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:15,049 but no one's ever done that for me before. 494 00:20:15,049 --> 00:20:17,919 Shrub, on the other hand, completely abandoned me. 495 00:20:17,919 --> 00:20:21,889 Makes me wonder if he cares more about me or him. 496 00:20:23,424 --> 00:20:25,326 (sighs) 497 00:20:25,326 --> 00:20:27,428 FATHER JOE: Nope, I didn't finish my sermon. 498 00:20:27,428 --> 00:20:29,630 -Over there! -But you know what? 499 00:20:29,630 --> 00:20:31,499 When Kelly was squeezing my hand really hard 500 00:20:31,499 --> 00:20:32,834 in that doctor's office, 501 00:20:32,834 --> 00:20:35,269 when she was getting her temperature taken, 502 00:20:35,269 --> 00:20:38,506 I realized that self-care 503 00:20:38,506 --> 00:20:40,942 meant other person care. 504 00:20:40,942 --> 00:20:43,678 Maybe that's what being a good person is-- 505 00:20:43,678 --> 00:20:45,546 being there for your people in their time of need, 506 00:20:45,546 --> 00:20:47,515 even when it's not convenient. 507 00:20:47,515 --> 00:20:49,117 Just like it says in Ecclesiastes 4, 508 00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:52,787 sometimes we don't see God's plan until it hits you hard, 509 00:20:52,787 --> 00:20:55,690 like a well-driven golf ball. 510 00:20:55,690 --> 00:20:58,593 I just wish I knew what to write my sermon about. 511 00:20:58,593 --> 00:20:59,560 I guess I'm going to have to recycle 512 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,929 my Earth Day material again. 513 00:21:01,929 --> 00:21:04,832 I don't know, it was crazy, 'cause, like, when they flushed 514 00:21:04,832 --> 00:21:06,968 my hat down the toilet, I was definitely pissed, 515 00:21:06,968 --> 00:21:08,669 but, like, at the same time I was also, like-- 516 00:21:08,669 --> 00:21:10,405 Today was like the craziest day of my life. 517 00:21:10,405 --> 00:21:11,706 And I can't believe you missed it 518 00:21:11,706 --> 00:21:13,941 'cause you were like, sniffing bleach or whatever. 519 00:21:13,941 --> 00:21:16,244 Wait, let's watch Father Joe lose his [bleep] again. 520 00:21:17,812 --> 00:21:19,280 But for real, today, I was, like, 521 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,815 almost completely alone, okay? 522 00:21:20,815 --> 00:21:22,683 You can't let something like work get in the way 523 00:21:22,683 --> 00:21:25,119 of your emergency contact duties, you know? 524 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:26,354 Okay. 525 00:21:26,354 --> 00:21:27,555 This is where he loses it. 526 00:21:27,555 --> 00:21:30,191 (laughs, choking) 527 00:21:32,226 --> 00:21:34,529 Ah, damn it, Kelly! 528 00:21:34,529 --> 00:21:36,264 I said smaller bites!