It's my birthday in five minutes,
so I'm just looking to see if any of my followers
in Europe or Asia gave me any b-day shout outs,
'cause for them it's tomorrow...
Or is it yesterday?
It's confusing. I don't know.
This is why I won't time travel. Ever.
(snoring)
We always say we're gonna stay up till midnight
and watch me blow out a candle,
but Shrub never makes it.
Sleepy pie.
(phone buzzes) Oh, got one.
"Happy Birthday from China Wok.
An extra fortune cookie on any order over 20 bucks."
Sweet. Okay, gifts already pouring in. Let's go.
Did I make it to midnight?
- No. - (sighs)
Wait, did you draw something on my face again?
No.
- Okay, good. - (laughs)
(rooster crowing)
Okay, so we're not, like, camping-camping. Gross.
But today is not just my birthday, okay.
It's also the day before Manic Monday.
Which means my two favorite days of the year
are on the same day.
Manic Monday is basically
when Merwin's Department Store out on Highway 17
sells all of their overstocked, damaged,
and lost and found items for a dollar.
Mm-hmm. The day before, people camp out
for hours just to get a good spot in line.
Usually I go with my dad,
but this year he said he's busy at the Christmas tree farm
and couldn't make it.
So I'm bringing Shrub.
You know, 'cause it can get rowdy
and you need a human shield
and someone, to like, to hold your place.
It is my responsibility to step in for Kelly's dad.
I mean, not having him here is gonna be really tough.
So I just want to make today very special for her.
Kelly can be a bit of a birthday-zilla,
so that's why I'm carrying my Sour Patch Kids, or SPKs
on me to keep her calm.
I mean, I'm excited. I mean, this is my first year
and I have my eye on a Hot Doggie Deluxe.
It cooks hotdogs three different ways
and one way doesn't even use heat.
Okay, like the shopping is cool,
but the real fun is a pre-event today. Okay?
There's like parking lot fights,
you roast Pop Tarts on sticks, peeing in Snapple bottles.
- Yeah, oh, classic. - I always miss.
And then also, you can take bribes
so people can cut you in line.
That's where I got this sweatshirt, actually.
Bus doesn't come until 8:00,
so I had to arrange a ride.
Wait, did you give me a birthday limo or something?
- No. - Sure, you didn't. (mouthing)
No, Kelly, no. I need you to hear me, okay.
Do not get your hopes up. There's not a limo coming.
Okay. There's not a limo coming.
- No, there's not. - I'm just gonna close my eyes
'cause something's in them.
Ow! And then open them dramatically.
Seriously, there's not a limo coming.
- Don't do this. - (laughs)
(horn honks)
- Hi. - Open your eyes, dude.
Hope you like show tunes!
Yeah!
So a lot has happened.
Jimmy and I broke up.
But on the bright side,
I'm considering a job offer from the "Dayton Sentinel."
I'm torn because they're an amazing paper,
and they adore me, and I love the praise.
But Flatch readers tell me when I'm wrong or when I suck.
And I appreciate their honesty.
Yeah, like I said, I'm torn.
Ooh, I'm late for work.
Oh. How's my outfit?
I'm meeting Joe later for lunch.
Don't give you that look. We're just friends.
FATHER JOE: I'm really happy with where
things are going with me and Cheryl.
I think we figured out how to be just friends.
And I'm okay with that.
After all, lunch is the most platonic meal of the day,
dessert being the sexiest.
Just one spray.
(coughs)
BOTH: ♪ We know we belong to the land ♪
♪ Yee-haw
BOTH: ♪ And the land we belong to is grand ♪
♪ And when we say, ow
♪ Aye-yip-aye-yo-ee-ay
♪ We're only saying you're doin' fine, Oklahoma ♪
♪ Oklahoma, OK
Are you going under the speed limit right now?
Yep. I get motion sickness.
We can't hit full speed until my Dramamine kicks in.
You're a couple of lucky duckies that we are on
our way to the D&D Convention.
Dropping you off is no problem.
JUSTIN: Dungeons and Dragons is huge for us.
I'm leading one of the games this weekend and boy,
do I have an adventure lined up for my little warlock.
Oh, Grandma.
It's Dungeon Master to you.
ALL: ♪ It's a hard knock life for us ♪
♪ It's a hard knock life for us ♪
♪ Instead of treated we get tricked ♪
♪ Instead of kisses we get kicked ♪
♪ It's a hard knock life...
No, I can't take it anymore! Please stop the car.
I know a shortcut to Merwins.
Just please, pull over right now.
Are you sure? Because I do not want
to miss the guy who fries eggs on his truck engine.
I'm sure.
Bye, Kelly.
JUSTIN: Bye, Kelly. Happy birthday.
KELLY: Yes, thank you.
(grunting)
Do you know where you're going?
I don't know, does a fox have stripes?
I don't think so.
Okay, well, that doesn't matter
'cause I know where I'm going.
If I see a Melon Head Twin, I swear to God, dude.
I wouldn't be caught dead in the woods out by highway 17.
They are haunted by the Melon Head Twins.
KELLY: So the Melon Head Twins are these two twins
that were being experimented on at a nearby orphanage.
One night, an experiment went horribly wrong
and their heads grew to the size of watermelons.
They became violent and burned the whole place down,
killing everyone who ever hurt them.
Then they escaped into these woods.
Oh, my God. Can we talk about something else please?
Shrub's just sensitive because growing up,
everyone said he looked like a Melon Head Twin.
No. It's not that I had a melon head.
It's just the rest of my body hadn't grown in yet.
(laughs) So you're scared of them?
No. Why, are you?
No.
It's been happening for days. It is driving me crazy.
I'm gonna call the maintenance guy.
Oh, voicemail.
I bet the lights work in Dayton.
"Hi, this is Cheryl. Cheryl Peterson."
Cheryl Peterson from the paper.
Hope you have a subscription.
Anyway. There's been something going on with my lights.
I was wondering if you could come by and take a look.
"Okay. Talk soon. Love you. Bye."
(knock at door)
Hey, ready to go?
Yeah, let me just grab my purse.
So what's been going on with you?
Anything new in Cheryl's world?
You know, the usual. Nothing major, whatsoever.
I'm not lying to Joe about the job or Jimmy.
I'm just omitting until I know what I want to do.
- What just happened? - I don't know.
Probably something electrical.
Hey, Nadine. Are your lights on the fritz?
Mine have been flickering all week.
Oh. Oh, you don't have to worry about that.
It's just Franny.
She's the ghost who haunts your office.
This week's the anniversary of her death.
- What? - Yes! I love ghosts.
When I was a boy we had a ghost kid
in our house named Jeremiah.
We were friends.
Until we both had a crush on the same girl.
Ghosts? Well, I don't believe in ghosts.
I'm a reporter. I need hard evidence.
Mm, well, Franny is real.
In 1887, she uprooted her whole life and moved to this town,
just to be with a man.
Yep, she's the first and last woman
to run this newspaper before you.
She died alone with no family.
- I'm sure she had friends. - No.
All she had was the paper.
So now she's stuck here to haunt our offices forever.
Ooh! Oh, did you feel that?
- No. - A cold breeze.
- She's here. - (gasps)
Oh, Joe, you're standing next to the air vent.
But it's not on, Cheryl. It's not on!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.
This birthday officially sucks.
Just a little bit further, Kel.
Huh?
That's it. That's it. There we go.
Hey, why aren't you giving me reds?
Red SPK's are Kelly's favorite.
They're for emergencies only.
(train horn blaring)
That's the mixed freight to Toledo.
We have to go that way.
KELLY: Ever since I was a kid,
I could tell what train it was
based on the whistle.
My dad taught me. He used to make bets on me getting it right.
There's commuter, freight, and general.
And I know them all.
What can I say? It's a gift.
The Manic Monday line is probably already doing the wave
and tossing the beach ball around.
Dude, we're almost there, okay.
How much longer? Huh?
Okay, Kel, look...
We're getting lost, aren't we?
- Just a little bit, okay. - Ohh!
No, no, no!
Oh, my God. Not even a single bar.
It's like a black hole out here.
My dad wouldn't have ever gotten us lost.
We would have been there by now,
racing pickles on the escalator for coupons.
Kel, Kel, come here, come here, huh?
Wait, the red ones. Why would I do that?
(blowing)
It's convertible, which is efficient.
Because it's small
and it leaves no footprint in my place.
- Hmm? - Is everything okay?
I thought you'd be more excited about me
introducing a futon into my life.
Oh, sure.
How old do you think she was?
- Who? - Franny.
- The ghost? - Do you think she got
the opportunity to leave this town
and didn't take it and now she regrets it?
Why are you so concerned?
I just feel like she's my kindred spirit.
Don't be ridiculous.
I mean, just because you both ran the newspaper
doesn't mean you're the same person.
I don't know, Joe. Maybe you're right.
Trust me. I...
Mandy, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be watching the office.
Hold on, aren't the three of us having lunch?
- Oh. - What?
You told me to put lunch on the calendar.
Yeah, I meant my calendar. Not both of ours.
Ohh. I guess we're still finding our work language.
Don't worry. We'll be each other's work wives soon enough.
You all right? You look whiter than usual.
A ghost is haunting her office.
Oh, Franny? That lonely, sad old woman who died with no family?
Yeah, okay, we get it.
I just... there's probably more to Franny than her sadness.
We should see if Nadine has any old journals.
Or we could just ask Franny.
- How? - A seance.
Yes!
Not many people know this, but I'm a ghost whisperer.
- Like a medium? - Yeah.
Like Whoopi in Ghost. I'd do anything to have Swayze
crawl up inside me and possess this body.
(inhales) Mm.
I don't know.
Oh, c'mon, Cheryl. Let's do it.
Okay. But not because I believe in it or anything.
But it might be a good story.
Maybe we'll be able to connect
with my childhood ghost, Jeremiah.
I'd love to apologize to him for kissing Kori Knickleson.
- He was so jealous. - Nope, nope.
I don't do kids. They're freaky.
I don't want no The Ring [bleep] popping off in there.
(shudders)
The sun is going down, so we decided to set up camp
before it gets dark.
That way we can conserve our energy
and make it to Merwins in the morning.
Tonight, I'm gonna set up a super dope campsite
and make sure that Kelly's birthday is still super fun.
Oh, it's happening. It's happening.
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... aah, ow. That's a splinter.
We gotta hang up our stuff to keep it away from bears.
(grunts) Nailed it!
(both vomiting)
KELLY: You know, this is all your fault.
You got me lost and you ruined my birthday.
Yeah, more like I'm the only person
trying to celebrate your birthday, Kelly.
- That is not true. - Oh, it's not?
I had a ton of options, okay.
You know what? I'm leaving you here where you belong,
'cause you are a Melon Head Twin.
(huffs)
So, I heard you're doing a seance in my office without me.
Oh, no, no. I just didn't think seances were your thing.
Oh, well, Dylan's bonding with the baby all night
slash watching basketball.
So I finally have the night off.
And I'm your first choice.
No, my first choice is busy
getting a Maltipoo off Craigslist.
But I figure you're the closest thing I have to a co-worker.
So, you'll do.
Oh, thank you, I think.
Plus I really want to ask Franny
some historical questions about Flatch.
Well, this is turning into quite a party.
And it's sweet that I'm your second choice.
(laughs) Cheryl, no.
My second choice has hemorrhoids.
Absolutely not. You're so funny.
(wolf howls)
Okay, so I'm like legit lost,
like, no real cameras or anything.
But honestly, I'm way less worried about me.
Like, Shrub can't survive on his own.
He went missing for three days when he was ten.
We had a milk carton out and everything.
Turns out he was trapped in a corn maze.
When they found him he was trying to eat his way out.
Damaged him for life.
Now whenever we go to cookouts I have to go in first to see
if they're serving corn on a... (cracking)
Did you hear that?
First rule of horror films,
always stick with the funny, unassuming guy.
He never gets killed.
Joke's on Kelly because she is the dumb blonde who dies
right after the unfairly stereotyped black guy.
No more help from Shrub.
In fact, I'm done caring about her.
Unless this is a slasher film, and then the dumb girl
lives to the end and the funny guy dies first.
- (chirping) - [bleep]
- What is that? - Oh, my God.
BOTH: It's the Melon Head Twins!
(panting)
- (both grunting) - Oh, oh.
Hey, you good?
You sounded really scared.
Me? What? I'm good. I came to check on you.
Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
- Good. Good. - Good. Good.
- Where the hell were you? - Yeah, wh-what?
- What's this? - Ghost book.
- What's this? - Ghost candles.
Ghost food?
That's an Oreo, idiot.
All right, y'all, come on, circle up.
All right, so, first off,
we have to invite the ghost in.
- Okay? Come on. - Oh.
(clears throat)
Gentle Franny, please come and join us.
- Oh!
This is a safe space. You can be yourself.
Let your freak flag fly, girl.
Whoa!
- Oh! - Ow!
What was that? What do you mean, "What is that?"
You're the ghost whisperer.
Shouldn't you know? I've whispered before, but this is the first time
they've whispered back.
- (pounding) - (yelping)
Oh, no. Okay, you know what?
I'm good. Y'all got it.
I'ma catch y'all later.
Oh, no, no, no. Mm-mm.
Don't worry. I have experience with ghosts.
I can handle this.
Do you know Jeremiah?
About four feet tall, blond hair,
he wears a white dressing gown?
If you see him, can you tell him, "I'm sorry."
No, we should be asking important questions.
Like, why is the post office door yellow?
Or do you know who planted the apple tree
in the center of town?
(yelps)
Is that a "No?"
I wouldn't want them to go to waste.
I'm sorry that I got us lost and ruined your birthday.
Yeah, you should be.
This is when you apologize to me
for calling me a Melon Head.
I'm sorry.
Did you hear that?
Kelly just apologized.
That, like, literally never happens.
God, that... Feels like my birthday.
(heavy breathing)
- Did you hear that breathing? - No.
- (heavy breathing) - There it is again.
Kelly, that's me.
Well, stop. You're a creepy breather.
- I can't just stop breathing. - (cracking)
That wasn't me. (screams)
- It's the twins! - Oh, my God!
Oh my God!
Hey! Are you okay?
There's no time! Leave her behind.
(Sam screams)
I don't see anything in here about how to deal with this.
I mean, the first half is the screenplay of Ghost,
and the second half is hollowed out with her passport in it.
Okay, that's it. Let's talk.
Editor to editor, woman to woman.
I know it must have been hard to be alone.
I understand what that's like.
I actually moved here to be with someone, too
and it didn't work out.
Awkward.
And I actually recently started dating someone else.
And that didn't work out either.
But you know, who cares? Who needs 'em?
- Oh, wait, you broke up with... - Shh!
I mean, sure, I wish they made
a pupu platter for one.
Or that I didn't have to buy a special brush
to lotion my own back.
But we're not alone.
We have the paper.
And I love the paper, probably as much as you did.
I mean, yeah, there are bigger papers,
but we're the eyes and ears and voice of Flatch.
And when that many people depend on you,
you can never be alone.
So don't worry, 'cause the paper is in good hands.
And you can visit anytime.
Oh, wait. Is it true that you killed all three of your husbands?
What? She's a black widow?
Allegedly. That's why she was alone.
All three of her husbands were poisoned
but she was never convicted.
So crazy, right?
You guys heard her say that she's not dating anyone, right?
I fixed the problem with the light.
What problem? You left a message about lights flickering.
I love you, too, by the way.
Oh, that's a long story.
It's not that long.
You said you love me on my voicemail and...
Just move along, okay.
Turned out to be a bad switch.
I was banging on the floor
just to let you guys know that I'm almost done.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, if you ever need any work done around here,
you can call me.
The name's Franny.
Just kidding. (laughs)
Oh, my gosh!
I heard you guys having a seance
and I just thought I'll have some fun.
Yeah, we got really spooked.
It was really crazy.
- (pounding, screaming) - KELLY: Hey, let us in!
Wow. What are you guys doing here?
- Chasing us... - Lost in the woods...
We hitched a ride with a felon.
Hopped a fence, borrowed a bike, got a flat.
Saw your light.
The Melon Head Twins are, like, right behind us.
The Melon Head Twins?
Ghosts of twins who live in the woods.
That sounds like an urban legend.
No. The Melon Head Twins? That's some real [bleep].
So I officially turn the job down.
Bigger is not always better.
And besides, great stories are hard to come by.
Lucky for me,
Flatch is weird enough to have lots of 'em.
Franny agrees.
(doorbell dings)
KELLY: I knew my dad would come through
with a gift for me.
He's, like, really good to me.
Best birthday ever.
And to think, Shrub almost completely ruined it.
(blows whistle)
That's the 12:30 commuter to Chicago.