1 00:00:10,375 --> 00:00:11,435 It's my birthday in five minutes, 2 00:00:11,459 --> 00:00:13,268 so I'm just looking to see if any of my followers 3 00:00:13,292 --> 00:00:15,560 in Europe or Asia gave me any b-day shout outs, 4 00:00:15,584 --> 00:00:18,351 'cause for them it's tomorrow... 5 00:00:18,375 --> 00:00:20,310 Or is it yesterday? 6 00:00:20,334 --> 00:00:21,602 It's confusing. I don't know. 7 00:00:21,626 --> 00:00:24,560 {\an1}This is why I won't time travel. Ever. 8 00:00:24,584 --> 00:00:26,101 {\an1}(snoring) 9 00:00:26,125 --> 00:00:28,226 We always say we're gonna stay up till midnight 10 00:00:28,250 --> 00:00:29,643 and watch me blow out a candle, 11 00:00:29,667 --> 00:00:31,101 but Shrub never makes it. 12 00:00:31,125 --> 00:00:33,393 Sleepy pie. 13 00:00:33,417 --> 00:00:35,310 {\an3}(phone buzzes) Oh, got one. 14 00:00:35,334 --> 00:00:36,976 "Happy Birthday from China Wok. 15 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,059 An extra fortune cookie on any order over 20 bucks." 16 00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:44,351 Sweet. Okay, gifts already pouring in. Let's go. 17 00:00:44,375 --> 00:00:46,602 {\an1}Did I make it to midnight? 18 00:00:46,626 --> 00:00:48,876 - No. - (sighs) 19 00:00:49,209 --> 00:00:52,476 Wait, did you draw something on my face again? 20 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:54,101 No. 21 00:00:54,125 --> 00:00:57,334 - Okay, good. - (laughs) 22 00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:01,226 (rooster crowing) 23 00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:04,143 Okay, so we're not, like, camping-camping. Gross. 24 00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:05,976 But today is not just my birthday, okay. 25 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,643 It's also the day before Manic Monday. 26 00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:10,018 Which means my two favorite days of the year 27 00:01:10,042 --> 00:01:10,976 are on the same day. 28 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:11,977 {\an1}Manic Monday is basically 29 00:01:12,001 --> 00:01:14,310 {\an1}when Merwin's Department Store out on Highway 17 30 00:01:14,334 --> 00:01:16,435 {\an1}sells all of their overstocked, damaged, 31 00:01:16,459 --> 00:01:18,685 {\an1}and lost and found items for a dollar. 32 00:01:18,709 --> 00:01:20,976 Mm-hmm. The day before, people camp out 33 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,268 for hours just to get a good spot in line. 34 00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:25,144 Usually I go with my dad, 35 00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:28,310 {\an7}but this year he said he's busy at the Christmas tree farm 36 00:01:28,334 --> 00:01:30,143 {\an8}and couldn't make it. 37 00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:31,019 {\an8}So I'm bringing Shrub. 38 00:01:31,043 --> 00:01:32,476 {\an9}You know, 'cause it can get rowdy 39 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:33,477 {\an3}and you need a human shield 40 00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:35,059 {\an3}and someone, to like, to hold your place. 41 00:01:35,083 --> 00:01:37,351 It is my responsibility to step in for Kelly's dad. 42 00:01:37,375 --> 00:01:39,560 I mean, not having him here is gonna be really tough. 43 00:01:39,584 --> 00:01:43,268 So I just want to make today very special for her. 44 00:01:43,292 --> 00:01:44,894 Kelly can be a bit of a birthday-zilla, 45 00:01:44,918 --> 00:01:50,310 so that's why I'm carrying my Sour Patch Kids, or SPKs 46 00:01:50,334 --> 00:01:51,560 on me to keep her calm. 47 00:01:51,584 --> 00:01:54,602 I mean, I'm excited. I mean, this is my first year 48 00:01:54,626 --> 00:01:57,976 and I have my eye on a Hot Doggie Deluxe. 49 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,268 It cooks hotdogs three different ways 50 00:01:59,292 --> 00:02:01,393 and one way doesn't even use heat. 51 00:02:01,417 --> 00:02:02,976 Okay, like the shopping is cool, 52 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,560 but the real fun is a pre-event today. Okay? 53 00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:07,059 There's like parking lot fights, 54 00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:11,268 {\an1}you roast Pop Tarts on sticks, peeing in Snapple bottles. 55 00:02:11,292 --> 00:02:12,560 - Yeah, oh, classic. - I always miss. 56 00:02:12,584 --> 00:02:14,185 And then also, you can take bribes 57 00:02:14,209 --> 00:02:15,476 so people can cut you in line. 58 00:02:15,500 --> 00:02:18,167 {\an1}That's where I got this sweatshirt, actually. 59 00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:22,435 Bus doesn't come until 8:00, 60 00:02:22,459 --> 00:02:24,310 {\an3}so I had to arrange a ride. 61 00:02:24,334 --> 00:02:28,018 Wait, did you give me a birthday limo or something? 62 00:02:28,042 --> 00:02:30,059 - No. - Sure, you didn't. (mouthing) 63 00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,393 No, Kelly, no. I need you to hear me, okay. 64 00:02:32,417 --> 00:02:36,185 {\an3}Do not get your hopes up. There's not a limo coming. 65 00:02:36,209 --> 00:02:37,476 {\an1}Okay. There's not a limo coming. 66 00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:40,226 - No, there's not. - I'm just gonna close my eyes 67 00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:41,060 {\an1}'cause something's in them. 68 00:02:41,084 --> 00:02:42,476 {\an1}Ow! And then open them dramatically. 69 00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:44,268 {\an3}Seriously, there's not a limo coming. 70 00:02:44,292 --> 00:02:45,727 - Don't do this. - (laughs) 71 00:02:45,751 --> 00:02:47,018 (horn honks) 72 00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:50,143 - Hi. - Open your eyes, dude. 73 00:02:50,167 --> 00:02:53,435 {\an1}Hope you like show tunes! 74 00:02:53,459 --> 00:02:55,500 {\an1}Yeah! 75 00:02:57,125 --> 00:02:59,185 So a lot has happened. 76 00:02:59,209 --> 00:03:01,143 Jimmy and I broke up. 77 00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:02,226 But on the bright side, 78 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:06,560 I'm considering a job offer from the "Dayton Sentinel." 79 00:03:06,584 --> 00:03:08,935 I'm torn because they're an amazing paper, 80 00:03:08,959 --> 00:03:10,351 and they adore me, and I love the praise. 81 00:03:10,375 --> 00:03:14,518 But Flatch readers tell me when I'm wrong or when I suck. 82 00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:18,602 And I appreciate their honesty. 83 00:03:18,626 --> 00:03:20,310 Yeah, like I said, I'm torn. 84 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:24,560 Ooh, I'm late for work. 85 00:03:24,584 --> 00:03:26,268 Oh. How's my outfit? 86 00:03:26,292 --> 00:03:28,643 I'm meeting Joe later for lunch. 87 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:32,018 Don't give you that look. We're just friends. 88 00:03:32,042 --> 00:03:33,268 FATHER JOE: I'm really happy with where 89 00:03:33,292 --> 00:03:34,560 things are going with me and Cheryl. 90 00:03:34,584 --> 00:03:37,143 I think we figured out how to be just friends. 91 00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:37,936 And I'm okay with that. 92 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,101 After all, lunch is the most platonic meal of the day, 93 00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:45,018 {\an1}dessert being the sexiest. 94 00:03:45,042 --> 00:03:47,417 Just one spray. 95 00:03:49,209 --> 00:03:49,603 (coughs) 96 00:03:49,627 --> 00:03:52,185 BOTH: ♪ We know we belong to the land ♪ 97 00:03:52,209 --> 00:03:52,853 ♪ Yee-haw 98 00:03:52,877 --> 00:03:56,268 BOTH: ♪ And the land we belong to is grand ♪ 99 00:03:56,292 --> 00:03:59,226 ♪ And when we say, ow 100 00:03:59,250 --> 00:04:01,935 ♪ Aye-yip-aye-yo-ee-ay 101 00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:06,685 ♪ We're only saying you're doin' fine, Oklahoma ♪ 102 00:04:06,709 --> 00:04:09,101 ♪ Oklahoma, OK 103 00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:12,143 {\an1}Are you going under the speed limit right now? 104 00:04:12,167 --> 00:04:13,060 {\an1}Yep. I get motion sickness. 105 00:04:13,084 --> 00:04:15,393 We can't hit full speed until my Dramamine kicks in. 106 00:04:15,417 --> 00:04:17,518 You're a couple of lucky duckies that we are on 107 00:04:17,542 --> 00:04:19,268 our way to the D&D Convention. 108 00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:21,268 Dropping you off is no problem. 109 00:04:21,292 --> 00:04:24,101 JUSTIN: Dungeons and Dragons is huge for us. 110 00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:26,435 I'm leading one of the games this weekend and boy, 111 00:04:26,459 --> 00:04:32,435 {\an3}do I have an adventure lined up for my little warlock. 112 00:04:32,459 --> 00:04:34,059 {\an1}Oh, Grandma. 113 00:04:34,083 --> 00:04:36,476 {\an3}It's Dungeon Master to you. 114 00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:39,894 ALL: ♪ It's a hard knock life for us ♪ 115 00:04:39,918 --> 00:04:43,018 ♪ It's a hard knock life for us ♪ 116 00:04:43,042 --> 00:04:46,143 ♪ Instead of treated we get tricked ♪ 117 00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:49,476 ♪ Instead of kisses we get kicked ♪ 118 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:50,602 ♪ It's a hard knock life... 119 00:04:50,626 --> 00:04:52,435 {\an1}No, I can't take it anymore! Please stop the car. 120 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,976 Please stop the car. I know a shortcut to Merwins. 121 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,643 {\an1}Just please, pull over right now. 122 00:04:57,667 --> 00:04:59,185 Are you sure? Because I do not want 123 00:04:59,209 --> 00:05:02,143 {\an3}to miss the guy who fries eggs on his truck engine. 124 00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:05,059 {\an1}I'm sure. 125 00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:05,603 {\an3}Bye, Kelly. 126 00:05:05,627 --> 00:05:08,310 {\an1}JUSTIN: Bye, Kelly. Happy birthday. 127 00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:10,667 KELLY: Yes, thank you. 128 00:05:24,584 --> 00:05:26,209 {\an1}(grunting) 129 00:05:30,709 --> 00:05:32,059 Do you know where you're going? 130 00:05:32,083 --> 00:05:35,143 I don't know, does a fox have stripes? 131 00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:36,310 {\an1}I don't think so. 132 00:05:36,334 --> 00:05:38,226 Okay, well, that doesn't matter 133 00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:39,935 'cause I know where I'm going. 134 00:05:39,959 --> 00:05:42,518 {\an1}If I see a Melon Head Twin, I swear to God, dude. 135 00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:46,268 I wouldn't be caught dead in the woods out by highway 17. 136 00:05:46,292 --> 00:05:50,209 They are haunted by the Melon Head Twins. 137 00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:54,476 KELLY: So the Melon Head Twins are these two twins 138 00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:58,018 that were being experimented on at a nearby orphanage. 139 00:05:58,042 --> 00:05:59,976 One night, an experiment went horribly wrong 140 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,226 and their heads grew to the size of watermelons. 141 00:06:02,250 --> 00:06:05,143 They became violent and burned the whole place down, 142 00:06:05,167 --> 00:06:07,685 killing everyone who ever hurt them. 143 00:06:07,709 --> 00:06:08,976 Then they escaped into these woods. 144 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,101 {\an3}Oh, my God. Can we talk about something else please? 145 00:06:12,125 --> 00:06:13,560 Shrub's just sensitive because growing up, 146 00:06:13,584 --> 00:06:15,435 everyone said he looked like a Melon Head Twin. 147 00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:17,560 {\an3}No. It's not that I had a melon head. 148 00:06:17,584 --> 00:06:20,351 {\an3}It's just the rest of my body hadn't grown in yet. 149 00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:23,476 {\an1}(laughs) So you're scared of them? 150 00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:26,727 No. Why, are you? 151 00:06:26,751 --> 00:06:28,876 No. 152 00:06:29,459 --> 00:06:32,518 It's been happening for days. It is driving me crazy. 153 00:06:32,542 --> 00:06:35,626 I'm gonna call the maintenance guy. 154 00:06:38,626 --> 00:06:40,310 Oh, voicemail. 155 00:06:40,334 --> 00:06:42,351 I bet the lights work in Dayton. 156 00:06:42,375 --> 00:06:45,976 "Hi, this is Cheryl. Cheryl Peterson." 157 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,435 Cheryl Peterson from the paper. 158 00:06:47,459 --> 00:06:49,059 Hope you have a subscription. 159 00:06:49,083 --> 00:06:52,018 Anyway. There's been something going on with my lights. 160 00:06:52,042 --> 00:06:54,935 I was wondering if you could come by and take a look. 161 00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:58,334 "Okay. Talk soon. Love you. Bye." 162 00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:01,393 (knock at door) 163 00:07:01,417 --> 00:07:02,269 Hey, ready to go? 164 00:07:02,293 --> 00:07:05,268 Yeah, let me just grab my purse. 165 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:07,476 {\an3}So what's been going on with you? 166 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:10,351 Anything new in Cheryl's world? 167 00:07:10,375 --> 00:07:14,059 {\an1}You know, the usual. Nothing major, whatsoever. 168 00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:16,852 I'm not lying to Joe about the job or Jimmy. 169 00:07:16,876 --> 00:07:22,125 I'm just omitting until I know what I want to do. 170 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,518 - What just happened? - I don't know. 171 00:07:24,542 --> 00:07:26,059 Probably something electrical. 172 00:07:26,083 --> 00:07:29,059 Hey, Nadine. Are your lights on the fritz? 173 00:07:29,083 --> 00:07:30,435 {\an3}Mine have been flickering all week. 174 00:07:30,459 --> 00:07:33,685 {\an1}Oh. Oh, you don't have to worry about that. 175 00:07:33,709 --> 00:07:35,310 {\an1}It's just Franny. 176 00:07:35,334 --> 00:07:38,226 {\an1}She's the ghost who haunts your office. 177 00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,185 {\an1}This week's the anniversary of her death. 178 00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:43,476 - What? - Yes! I love ghosts. 179 00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:45,226 When I was a boy we had a ghost kid 180 00:07:45,250 --> 00:07:47,310 in our house named Jeremiah. 181 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,059 We were friends. 182 00:07:49,083 --> 00:07:52,268 Until we both had a crush on the same girl. 183 00:07:52,292 --> 00:07:54,518 {\an3}Ghosts? Well, I don't believe in ghosts. 184 00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:57,101 I'm a reporter. I need hard evidence. 185 00:07:57,125 --> 00:07:58,518 {\an1}Mm, well, Franny is real. 186 00:07:58,542 --> 00:08:03,185 In 1887, she uprooted her whole life and moved to this town, 187 00:08:03,209 --> 00:08:04,435 {\an1}just to be with a man. 188 00:08:04,459 --> 00:08:07,226 {\an1}Yep, she's the first and last woman 189 00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:09,226 {\an1}to run this newspaper before you. 190 00:08:09,250 --> 00:08:12,059 She died alone with no family. 191 00:08:12,083 --> 00:08:13,602 - I'm sure she had friends. - No. 192 00:08:13,626 --> 00:08:15,268 {\an1}All she had was the paper. 193 00:08:15,292 --> 00:08:21,226 So now she's stuck here to haunt our offices forever. 194 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,976 {\an1}Ooh! Oh, did you feel that? 195 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,018 - No. - A cold breeze. 196 00:08:26,042 --> 00:08:27,059 - She's here. - (gasps) 197 00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:29,602 Oh, Joe, you're standing next to the air vent. 198 00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:34,667 {\an1}But it's not on, Cheryl. It's not on! 199 00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:38,167 {\an1}Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. 200 00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:43,268 {\an1}This birthday officially sucks. 201 00:08:43,292 --> 00:08:47,602 Just a little bit further, Kel. 202 00:08:47,626 --> 00:08:49,059 {\an3}Huh? 203 00:08:49,083 --> 00:08:52,226 {\an3}That's it. That's it. There we go. 204 00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:54,935 {\an1}Hey, why aren't you giving me reds? 205 00:08:54,959 --> 00:08:57,226 Red SPK's are Kelly's favorite. 206 00:08:57,250 --> 00:08:59,876 They're for emergencies only. 207 00:09:00,709 --> 00:09:02,101 (train horn blaring) 208 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:05,018 {\an1}That's the mixed freight to Toledo. 209 00:09:05,042 --> 00:09:07,185 {\an1}We have to go that way. 210 00:09:07,209 --> 00:09:08,435 KELLY: Ever since I was a kid, 211 00:09:08,459 --> 00:09:09,643 I could tell what train it was 212 00:09:09,667 --> 00:09:11,018 based on the whistle. 213 00:09:11,042 --> 00:09:13,351 My dad taught me. He used to make bets on me getting it right. 214 00:09:13,375 --> 00:09:15,727 There's commuter, freight, and general. 215 00:09:15,751 --> 00:09:17,393 And I know them all. 216 00:09:17,417 --> 00:09:20,459 What can I say? It's a gift. 217 00:09:23,209 --> 00:09:25,518 The Manic Monday line is probably already doing the wave 218 00:09:25,542 --> 00:09:27,101 {\an3}and tossing the beach ball around. 219 00:09:27,125 --> 00:09:28,435 {\an1}Dude, we're almost there, okay. 220 00:09:28,459 --> 00:09:31,976 How much longer? Huh? 221 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,059 Okay, Kel, look... 222 00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:34,101 {\an1}We're getting lost, aren't we? 223 00:09:34,125 --> 00:09:37,310 - Just a little bit, okay. - Ohh! 224 00:09:37,334 --> 00:09:40,226 No, no, no! 225 00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:42,685 {\an1}Oh, my God. Not even a single bar. 226 00:09:42,709 --> 00:09:45,018 {\an1}It's like a black hole out here. 227 00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:47,185 {\an1}My dad wouldn't have ever gotten us lost. 228 00:09:47,209 --> 00:09:48,435 {\an1}We would have been there by now, 229 00:09:48,459 --> 00:09:50,560 racing pickles on the escalator for coupons. 230 00:09:50,584 --> 00:09:53,435 {\an3}Kel, Kel, come here, come here, huh? 231 00:09:53,459 --> 00:09:57,560 Wait, the red ones. Why would I do that? 232 00:09:57,584 --> 00:09:59,125 (blowing) 233 00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:03,101 {\an1}It's convertible, which is efficient. 234 00:10:03,125 --> 00:10:03,977 {\an1}Because it's small 235 00:10:04,001 --> 00:10:06,351 {\an1}and it leaves no footprint in my place. 236 00:10:06,375 --> 00:10:08,435 - Hmm? - Is everything okay? 237 00:10:08,459 --> 00:10:09,935 {\an1}I thought you'd be more excited about me 238 00:10:09,959 --> 00:10:11,768 {\an1}introducing a futon into my life. 239 00:10:11,792 --> 00:10:13,435 Oh, sure. 240 00:10:13,459 --> 00:10:15,643 How old do you think she was? 241 00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:16,352 - Who? - Franny. 242 00:10:16,376 --> 00:10:18,143 - The ghost? - Do you think she got 243 00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:19,268 {\an3}the opportunity to leave this town 244 00:10:19,292 --> 00:10:23,393 {\an3}and didn't take it and now she regrets it? 245 00:10:23,417 --> 00:10:25,602 {\an1}Why are you so concerned? 246 00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:28,310 {\an3}I just feel like she's my kindred spirit. 247 00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:29,144 {\an1}Don't be ridiculous. 248 00:10:29,168 --> 00:10:30,894 {\an1}I mean, just because you both ran the newspaper 249 00:10:30,918 --> 00:10:33,268 {\an1}doesn't mean you're the same person. 250 00:10:33,292 --> 00:10:36,185 {\an3}I don't know, Joe. Maybe you're right. 251 00:10:36,209 --> 00:10:38,143 {\an1}Trust me. I... 252 00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:39,602 Mandy, what are you doing here? 253 00:10:39,626 --> 00:10:40,935 {\an1}You're supposed to be watching the office. 254 00:10:40,959 --> 00:10:43,476 {\an3}Hold on, aren't the three of us having lunch? 255 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:45,143 - Oh. - What? 256 00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:48,351 {\an1}You told me to put lunch on the calendar. 257 00:10:48,375 --> 00:10:51,226 Yeah, I meant my calendar. Not both of ours. 258 00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:55,185 {\an1}Ohh. I guess we're still finding our work language. 259 00:10:55,209 --> 00:10:59,334 Don't worry. We'll be each other's work wives soon enough. 260 00:11:02,042 --> 00:11:05,643 You all right? You look whiter than usual. 261 00:11:05,667 --> 00:11:08,059 {\an1}A ghost is haunting her office. 262 00:11:08,083 --> 00:11:11,393 Oh, Franny? That lonely, sad old woman who died with no family? 263 00:11:11,417 --> 00:11:13,268 {\an1}Yeah, okay, we get it. 264 00:11:13,292 --> 00:11:17,560 {\an1}I just... there's probably more to Franny than her sadness. 265 00:11:17,584 --> 00:11:20,268 {\an1}We should see if Nadine has any old journals. 266 00:11:20,292 --> 00:11:23,018 Or we could just ask Franny. 267 00:11:23,042 --> 00:11:25,727 - How? - A seance. 268 00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:26,311 Yes! 269 00:11:26,335 --> 00:11:30,476 {\an3}Not many people know this, but I'm a ghost whisperer. 270 00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:31,477 - Like a medium? - Yeah. 271 00:11:31,501 --> 00:11:36,059 Like Whoopi in Ghost. I'd do anything to have Swayze 272 00:11:36,083 --> 00:11:39,185 crawl up inside me and possess this body. 273 00:11:39,209 --> 00:11:41,310 (inhales) Mm. 274 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,269 I don't know. 275 00:11:42,293 --> 00:11:44,185 {\an1}Oh, c'mon, Cheryl. Let's do it. 276 00:11:44,209 --> 00:11:47,976 Okay. But not because I believe in it or anything. 277 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,602 But it might be a good story. 278 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:50,603 Maybe we'll be able to connect 279 00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:52,268 {\an1}with my childhood ghost, Jeremiah. 280 00:11:52,292 --> 00:11:56,268 I'd love to apologize to him for kissing Kori Knickleson. 281 00:11:56,292 --> 00:11:58,518 - He was so jealous. - Nope, nope. 282 00:11:58,542 --> 00:11:59,894 {\an3}I don't do kids. They're freaky. 283 00:11:59,918 --> 00:12:04,334 I don't want no The Ring [bleep] popping off in there. 284 00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:06,226 {\an1}(shudders) 285 00:12:06,250 --> 00:12:09,976 The sun is going down, so we decided to set up camp 286 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:10,644 {\an3}before it gets dark. 287 00:12:10,668 --> 00:12:12,518 {\an3}That way we can conserve our energy 288 00:12:12,542 --> 00:12:13,976 {\an3}and make it to Merwins in the morning. 289 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,185 Tonight, I'm gonna set up a super dope campsite 290 00:12:16,209 --> 00:12:21,143 and make sure that Kelly's birthday is still super fun. 291 00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:23,185 Oh, it's happening. It's happening. 292 00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:28,101 {\an3}Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... aah, ow. That's a splinter. 293 00:12:28,125 --> 00:12:32,976 We gotta hang up our stuff to keep it away from bears. 294 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,834 (grunts) Nailed it! 295 00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:46,167 (both vomiting) 296 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:48,894 KELLY: You know, this is all your fault. 297 00:12:48,918 --> 00:12:51,393 {\an1}You got me lost and you ruined my birthday. 298 00:12:51,417 --> 00:12:52,518 {\an3}Yeah, more like I'm the only person 299 00:12:52,542 --> 00:12:54,560 trying to celebrate your birthday, Kelly. 300 00:12:54,584 --> 00:12:56,935 - That is not true. - Oh, it's not? 301 00:12:56,959 --> 00:12:57,976 I had a ton of options, okay. 302 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,059 {\an1}You know what? I'm leaving you here where you belong, 303 00:13:01,083 --> 00:13:04,459 {\an1}'cause you are a Melon Head Twin. 304 00:13:06,167 --> 00:13:08,459 (huffs) 305 00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:25,018 So, I heard you're doing a seance in my office without me. 306 00:13:25,042 --> 00:13:28,101 Oh, no, no. I just didn't think seances were your thing. 307 00:13:28,125 --> 00:13:31,310 {\an3}Oh, well, Dylan's bonding with the baby all night 308 00:13:31,334 --> 00:13:32,393 slash watching basketball. 309 00:13:32,417 --> 00:13:35,518 {\an3}So I finally have the night off. 310 00:13:35,542 --> 00:13:36,685 {\an1}And I'm your first choice. 311 00:13:36,709 --> 00:13:38,101 {\an3}No, my first choice is busy 312 00:13:38,125 --> 00:13:39,185 {\an3}getting a Maltipoo off Craigslist. 313 00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:43,185 But I figure you're the closest thing I have to a co-worker. 314 00:13:43,209 --> 00:13:44,727 So, you'll do. 315 00:13:44,751 --> 00:13:46,476 {\an1}Oh, thank you, I think. 316 00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:47,935 Plus I really want to ask Franny 317 00:13:47,959 --> 00:13:50,560 some historical questions about Flatch. 318 00:13:50,584 --> 00:13:54,018 {\an1}Well, this is turning into quite a party. 319 00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:56,268 {\an1}And it's sweet that I'm your second choice. 320 00:13:56,292 --> 00:13:57,935 {\an3}(laughs) Cheryl, no. 321 00:13:57,959 --> 00:13:59,602 {\an3}My second choice has hemorrhoids. 322 00:13:59,626 --> 00:14:03,292 {\an3}Absolutely not. You're so funny. 323 00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:09,500 (wolf howls) 324 00:14:10,042 --> 00:14:11,019 Okay, so I'm like legit lost, 325 00:14:11,043 --> 00:14:12,476 like, no real cameras or anything. 326 00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,518 But honestly, I'm way less worried about me. 327 00:14:14,542 --> 00:14:17,268 Like, Shrub can't survive on his own. 328 00:14:17,292 --> 00:14:19,143 He went missing for three days when he was ten. 329 00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:21,018 We had a milk carton out and everything. 330 00:14:21,042 --> 00:14:23,101 Turns out he was trapped in a corn maze. 331 00:14:23,125 --> 00:14:26,059 {\an1}When they found him he was trying to eat his way out. 332 00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:27,560 Damaged him for life. 333 00:14:27,584 --> 00:14:30,268 Now whenever we go to cookouts I have to go in first to see 334 00:14:30,292 --> 00:14:32,185 if they're serving corn on a... (cracking) 335 00:14:32,209 --> 00:14:36,226 Did you hear that? 336 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,393 {\an1}First rule of horror films, 337 00:14:38,417 --> 00:14:42,185 always stick with the funny, unassuming guy. 338 00:14:42,209 --> 00:14:43,976 He never gets killed. 339 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,101 Joke's on Kelly because she is the dumb blonde who dies 340 00:14:47,125 --> 00:14:51,518 right after the unfairly stereotyped black guy. 341 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,393 No more help from Shrub. 342 00:14:53,417 --> 00:14:56,226 {\an1}In fact, I'm done caring about her. 343 00:14:56,250 --> 00:14:58,935 Unless this is a slasher film, and then the dumb girl 344 00:14:58,959 --> 00:15:03,393 lives to the end and the funny guy dies first. 345 00:15:03,417 --> 00:15:05,643 - (chirping) - [bleep] 346 00:15:05,667 --> 00:15:08,018 - What is that? - Oh, my God. 347 00:15:08,042 --> 00:15:10,435 {\an1}BOTH: It's the Melon Head Twins! 348 00:15:10,459 --> 00:15:12,476 (panting) 349 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,059 - (both grunting) - Oh, oh. 350 00:15:15,083 --> 00:15:16,226 {\an1}Hey, you good? 351 00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:16,977 {\an1}You sounded really scared. 352 00:15:17,001 --> 00:15:19,935 {\an3}Me? What? I'm good. I came to check on you. 353 00:15:19,959 --> 00:15:21,059 Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, I'm good. 354 00:15:21,083 --> 00:15:23,226 - Good. Good. - Good. Good. 355 00:15:23,250 --> 00:15:27,167 - Where the hell were you? - Yeah, wh-what? 356 00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:31,185 - What's this? - Ghost book. 357 00:15:31,209 --> 00:15:34,542 - What's this? - Ghost candles. 358 00:15:36,626 --> 00:15:37,436 {\an1}Ghost food? 359 00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:39,351 That's an Oreo, idiot. 360 00:15:39,375 --> 00:15:42,792 All right, y'all, come on, circle up. 361 00:15:43,417 --> 00:15:45,393 All right, so, first off, 362 00:15:45,417 --> 00:15:48,143 we have to invite the ghost in. 363 00:15:48,167 --> 00:15:50,768 - Okay? Come on. - Oh. 364 00:15:50,792 --> 00:15:54,101 (clears throat) 365 00:15:54,125 --> 00:15:59,185 Gentle Franny, please come and join us. 366 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:00,226 - Oh! 367 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:03,976 This is a safe space. You can be yourself. 368 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,584 Let your freak flag fly, girl. 369 00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:09,227 Whoa! 370 00:16:09,251 --> 00:16:11,018 - Oh! - Ow! 371 00:16:11,042 --> 00:16:12,602 What was that? What do you mean, "What is that?" 372 00:16:12,626 --> 00:16:14,018 {\an1}You're the ghost whisperer. 373 00:16:14,042 --> 00:16:16,976 {\an1}Shouldn't you know? I've whispered before, but this is the first time 374 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,101 they've whispered back. 375 00:16:18,125 --> 00:16:20,059 - (pounding) - (yelping) 376 00:16:20,083 --> 00:16:22,518 Oh, no. Okay, you know what? 377 00:16:22,542 --> 00:16:24,268 {\an3}I'm good. Y'all got it. 378 00:16:24,292 --> 00:16:27,268 {\an3}I'ma catch y'all later. 379 00:16:27,292 --> 00:16:29,435 Oh, no, no, no. Mm-mm. 380 00:16:29,459 --> 00:16:33,101 Don't worry. I have experience with ghosts. 381 00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:34,185 I can handle this. 382 00:16:34,209 --> 00:16:36,518 Do you know Jeremiah? 383 00:16:36,542 --> 00:16:38,226 About four feet tall, blond hair, 384 00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:40,101 he wears a white dressing gown? 385 00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:42,226 If you see him, can you tell him, "I'm sorry." 386 00:16:42,250 --> 00:16:44,560 No, we should be asking important questions. 387 00:16:44,584 --> 00:16:46,393 Like, why is the post office door yellow? 388 00:16:46,417 --> 00:16:49,727 {\an1}Or do you know who planted the apple tree 389 00:16:49,751 --> 00:16:52,310 in the center of town? 390 00:16:52,334 --> 00:16:54,310 (yelps) 391 00:16:54,334 --> 00:16:56,792 Is that a "No?" 392 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:05,167 {\an1}I wouldn't want them to go to waste. 393 00:17:05,834 --> 00:17:10,976 I'm sorry that I got us lost and ruined your birthday. 394 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,185 {\an1}Yeah, you should be. 395 00:17:14,209 --> 00:17:15,935 This is when you apologize to me 396 00:17:15,959 --> 00:17:18,334 for calling me a Melon Head. 397 00:17:21,042 --> 00:17:22,310 {\an1}I'm sorry. 398 00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:24,059 Did you hear that? 399 00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:25,185 Kelly just apologized. 400 00:17:25,209 --> 00:17:27,393 That, like, literally never happens. 401 00:17:27,417 --> 00:17:31,459 God, that... Feels like my birthday. 402 00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,018 (heavy breathing) 403 00:17:33,042 --> 00:17:36,143 - Did you hear that breathing? - No. 404 00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:38,976 - (heavy breathing) - There it is again. 405 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,185 Kelly, that's me. 406 00:17:40,209 --> 00:17:42,143 {\an1}Well, stop. You're a creepy breather. 407 00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:45,518 - I can't just stop breathing. - (cracking) 408 00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:48,059 That wasn't me. (screams) 409 00:17:48,083 --> 00:17:50,602 - It's the twins! - Oh, my God! 410 00:17:50,626 --> 00:17:52,727 Oh my God! 411 00:17:52,751 --> 00:17:55,059 Hey! Are you okay? 412 00:17:55,083 --> 00:17:57,059 There's no time! Leave her behind. 413 00:17:57,083 --> 00:17:59,584 (Sam screams) 414 00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:05,018 I don't see anything in here about how to deal with this. 415 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,810 I mean, the first half is the screenplay of Ghost, 416 00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:11,185 and the second half is hollowed out with her passport in it. 417 00:18:11,209 --> 00:18:13,435 Okay, that's it. Let's talk. 418 00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:16,018 Editor to editor, woman to woman. 419 00:18:16,042 --> 00:18:18,476 {\an1}I know it must have been hard to be alone. 420 00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:20,310 I understand what that's like. 421 00:18:20,334 --> 00:18:23,018 {\an1}I actually moved here to be with someone, too 422 00:18:23,042 --> 00:18:24,810 {\an1}and it didn't work out. 423 00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:25,519 Awkward. 424 00:18:25,543 --> 00:18:28,310 And I actually recently started dating someone else. 425 00:18:28,334 --> 00:18:29,643 {\an1}And that didn't work out either. 426 00:18:29,667 --> 00:18:31,518 {\an1}But you know, who cares? Who needs 'em? 427 00:18:31,542 --> 00:18:33,643 - Oh, wait, you broke up with... - Shh! 428 00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:35,518 {\an1}I mean, sure, I wish they made 429 00:18:35,542 --> 00:18:36,643 {\an1}a pupu platter for one. 430 00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:39,185 {\an1}Or that I didn't have to buy a special brush 431 00:18:39,209 --> 00:18:40,268 {\an1}to lotion my own back. 432 00:18:40,292 --> 00:18:42,685 {\an1}But we're not alone. 433 00:18:42,709 --> 00:18:44,310 {\an1}We have the paper. 434 00:18:44,334 --> 00:18:48,185 And I love the paper, probably as much as you did. 435 00:18:48,209 --> 00:18:49,852 I mean, yeah, there are bigger papers, 436 00:18:49,876 --> 00:18:53,643 but we're the eyes and ears and voice of Flatch. 437 00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:55,685 And when that many people depend on you, 438 00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:57,834 you can never be alone. 439 00:19:01,250 --> 00:19:07,059 So don't worry, 'cause the paper is in good hands. 440 00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:10,542 {\an1}And you can visit anytime. 441 00:19:15,042 --> 00:19:18,101 Oh, wait. Is it true that you killed all three of your husbands? 442 00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:19,976 {\an1}What? She's a black widow? 443 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,101 Allegedly. That's why she was alone. 444 00:19:22,125 --> 00:19:24,393 All three of her husbands were poisoned 445 00:19:24,417 --> 00:19:27,310 but she was never convicted. 446 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:28,311 So crazy, right? 447 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:33,417 You guys heard her say that she's not dating anyone, right? 448 00:19:34,459 --> 00:19:37,143 {\an3}I fixed the problem with the light. 449 00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:40,101 {\an3}What problem? You left a message about lights flickering. 450 00:19:40,125 --> 00:19:43,351 I love you, too, by the way. 451 00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:44,727 {\an3}Oh, that's a long story. 452 00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:45,519 {\an3}It's not that long. 453 00:19:45,543 --> 00:19:47,476 You said you love me on my voicemail and... 454 00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:48,518 Just move along, okay. 455 00:19:48,542 --> 00:19:50,643 Turned out to be a bad switch. 456 00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:51,603 I was banging on the floor 457 00:19:51,627 --> 00:19:55,560 just to let you guys know that I'm almost done. 458 00:19:55,584 --> 00:19:57,226 Oh, thank you. 459 00:19:57,250 --> 00:20:01,435 {\an3}Hey, if you ever need any work done around here, 460 00:20:01,459 --> 00:20:03,101 {\an3}you can call me. 461 00:20:03,125 --> 00:20:07,560 The name's Franny. 462 00:20:07,584 --> 00:20:09,685 {\an3}Just kidding. (laughs) 463 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:10,603 Oh, my gosh! 464 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:11,976 {\an3}I heard you guys having a seance 465 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,935 {\an3}and I just thought I'll have some fun. 466 00:20:13,959 --> 00:20:15,393 Yeah, we got really spooked. 467 00:20:15,417 --> 00:20:16,102 {\an1}It was really crazy. 468 00:20:16,126 --> 00:20:19,310 - (pounding, screaming) - KELLY: Hey, let us in! 469 00:20:19,334 --> 00:20:22,143 Wow. What are you guys doing here? 470 00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:24,143 - Chasing us... - Lost in the woods... 471 00:20:24,167 --> 00:20:25,643 We hitched a ride with a felon. 472 00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:29,435 Hopped a fence, borrowed a bike, got a flat. 473 00:20:29,459 --> 00:20:30,186 Saw your light. 474 00:20:30,210 --> 00:20:32,602 The Melon Head Twins are, like, right behind us. 475 00:20:32,626 --> 00:20:33,561 The Melon Head Twins? 476 00:20:33,585 --> 00:20:35,935 {\an1}Ghosts of twins who live in the woods. 477 00:20:35,959 --> 00:20:37,018 That sounds like an urban legend. 478 00:20:37,042 --> 00:20:42,667 No. The Melon Head Twins? That's some real [bleep]. 479 00:20:43,584 --> 00:20:46,059 So I officially turn the job down. 480 00:20:46,083 --> 00:20:47,435 Bigger is not always better. 481 00:20:47,459 --> 00:20:50,476 And besides, great stories are hard to come by. 482 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:51,227 Lucky for me, 483 00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:54,375 Flatch is weird enough to have lots of 'em. 484 00:20:57,209 --> 00:20:59,250 Franny agrees. 485 00:21:04,292 --> 00:21:06,459 {\an8}(doorbell dings) 486 00:21:15,417 --> 00:21:17,101 {\an8}KELLY: I knew my dad would come through 487 00:21:17,125 --> 00:21:18,310 {\an8}with a gift for me. 488 00:21:18,334 --> 00:21:20,584 {\an8}He's, like, really good to me. 489 00:21:21,334 --> 00:21:22,435 {\an8}Best birthday ever. 490 00:21:22,459 --> 00:21:26,375 {\an8}And to think, Shrub almost completely ruined it. 491 00:21:27,667 --> 00:21:29,476 {\an8}(blows whistle) 492 00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:32,500 {\an8}That's the 12:30 commuter to Chicago.