(grunts)
One of the things on my bucket list
has always been to get a pair of my shoes
over a power line.
It's, like, a part of street culture or whatever,
and, honestly, I want to be a part of it,
-but it's freaking hard. -(engine revving)
Oh! What?
Dude, this is awesome!
-It's my badass Aunt Lola's. -Ah. What's up, Shrub?
Hey, Lola. How long are you in town?
Just a few. Going to make a few sales,
and then I'm going to jet on up to Sandusky for Ohio Bike Week.
KELLY: Are you going to buy a motorcycle?
Mm, nah, but I'm definitely going to ride some hogs.
(mutters excitedly)
So Lola is my mom's sister and the coolest person
in my whole family, besides my dad.
She's like if Rhonda Rousey
and a huge, giant bottle of champagne had a baby.
She owns her own company that sells, like, pills
and juices and stuff.
Legal pills. That's really important.
Anyway, she's going to do a free presentation
while she's at my house in town,
and she said I could help.
That's her.
#icon (kisses)
-Catch you later, Shrub. -Oh.
Yes! Nailed it.
If you're debating which ones to throw over a power line,
I have some excellent intel.
What? No. No. No.
I was going to go for a run,
but I can't remember
which pair are next in rotation.
It's a real mess.
-Does it matter? -Actually, no.
Good fix. Huh, let me guess.
You're here to see if there's any mail for you.
-Yeah. -I'm afraid not yet,
but, uh, any day now.
SHRUB: So, like, a month ago, Father Joe
helped me fill out an application
for the Cleveland College of the Arts.
"Citizenship status." Alive.
No. I have not told Kelly yet.
That would be like opening
a whole can of worms,
and I am not talking
the good gummy kind.
Before I joined the Energize Her family,
I was just like you Flatch women.
I was bored. I was broke.
I was dating a deadbeat Kid Rock-wannabe who got mad
when I would stay out past my bedtime,
blowing my rent money on coconut-flavored rum
and a rascal of a "Game of Thrones" slot machine
at an Indian casino outside of Toledo.
BOTH: Been there.
Oh. I think it's Native American casino.
Yah. Correct. Thank you, sister.
But the point is, the patriarchy
had brainwashed me to live and work
in a system that supported my own oppression.
-That sucks. -Yes, Kelly.
-Mm-hmm. -LOLA: It sucked,
and then I discovered Energize Her products,
and I started to harness my own feminine power
to not just break the glass ceiling but to crush it.
Kelly, why don't you pass out some samples of She-Shake
so everybody can see
what the amazing power of female solidarity tastes like.
-Everyone take your pick. -LOLA: Yeah.
Take a look at your watches so you can mark the exact time
that your lives have changed. Drink it up.
You feel something kind of, like, tingling
-in the back of your throat? -KELLY: I feel it.
-Yeah. -I do.
That's the enzymes, huh?
That's why men don't want you to know about this stuff?
-Take that, men! -LOLA: Mm.
-(coughs) -Okay.
Now, we've got a great almost all-natural product.
All we need is a sales force of Sheroes
who are ready to take control of their lives
with a small up-front investment.
Let me show you the levels of empowerment.
We've got Lil Mama, Big Mama,
Girl Boss, and Boss Bitch,
which includes a signature Boss Bitch blazer.
I do like that blazer.
I'm very concerned this is a pyramid scheme.
-You're a pyramid scheme, dude. -Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
It's okay. It's okay, Kelly. Yeah?
People ask me this all the time.
This is not a pyramid scheme.
This is a multi-level marketing scheme.
(both gasp)
JOE: I just knocked out my second 5K of the day.
I found this great app that lets you run the routes
of other local runners.
I'm trying to beat this runner who's got the fastest time
around the perimeter of Flatch.
Whoever it is has local legend status.
Isn't that fun?
Okay, I'm going to go for another loop.
Excuse me.
-So, Aunt Lola ... -LOLA: Mm-hmm?
I've been thinking about your company,
and I want to be a Lil Mama.
Oh. No, kid, you're not ready.
Seriously, I can sell anything,
like, better than stupid Nadine.
I'm an influencer in this town,
like, the whole athleisure-wear thing you see in Flatch?
-I started it. -LOLA: Okay.
Kelly, you know I think you're the she-bomb.
It's not that you couldn't do this.
-It's just... -Please don't say, "No."
Like, I want to be a Boss Bitch so badly.
-Come on. -I tell you what.
You don't have to register or sign up or pay the fees.
You just take out the sample kit
and try some sales tomorrow. How about that?
-Yes! Yes! -Yeah?
I even have an extra blazer you can use.
Okay, you won't be sorry.
I'll be the best Lil Mama you've seen.
LOLA: I don't doubt it.
(knocking on door)
(both mutter)
Hi, cutie girlie. I'm here to give you
a huge opportunity to get on the ground floor of this.
-It's am-- -(door slams)
Sexist!
Okay. Yes. Shrub is fully not a woman,
but I've decided to let him work for me.
He's not my first pick, obviously,
but he agreed to work for free,
so I figured I'd give him a shot, you know?
SHRUB: Kel.
Those are my shoes.
Is that why you're wearing those weird snow boots?
Yeah. Oh, my God, dude.
I think there's a bird living in the left one.
What?
(knocking on door)
RESIDENT: Screw you!
Nice mouth, 434 Oak Street!
This is the same place that gives away
crappy banana-flavored candy on Halloween.
It's great she's starting a business,
especially since there's a chance, y'know,
I'm going to be on the next train
to college-ville university.
It's just... It's tricky with her, you know,
'cause she really looks to me
for encouragement and support, and...
Yeah.
-Hey. Hey. Father Joe! -Father Joe, stop!
What's up, guys?
I'm trying to beat a local legend.
Uh, I don't know what that means,
but you could be your own local legend.
-How about that? -Nice.
FJ, today is your lucky day, if you can believe it,
because I actually started selling a shake that was
specifically engineered to energize your run.
Okay, bunny rabbit?
Wait, I thought it was just for women.
Like the patriarchy would let anything be just for women.
Okay, Father Joe, if you commit
to a month's supply right now,
I can give you a special introductory 25% off.
I really need to go.
Okay. You know what? I'm going to call my boss.
Okay? Wait where you are. Stay still.
Hello? (laughs) You too, boss bitch.
Okay, seriously, I'm with a VIP client right now.
Listen, I know we normally don't do this,
but if he commits to a full week's supply right now,
do you think we could maybe throw in some pens,
maybe a sample of the skin glow supplement?
-I don't need any of that. -You do, really bad.
You have no idea. I can vouch for him.
He's kind of off-and-on, but I like him.
-Yes? -Ah?
-Welcome to the family! -Hey!
-You're in. -Whoo!
You're going to love it.
There was no one on the phone.
Okay, we can settle up later. I trust you.
Shrub, give him the pens.
You're going to love those.
Thank you guys, but I've got to keep moving
on this run, but thank you.
-Thank you. -Yeah, oh, and, Shrub,
nothing in the mail yet.
No bad news is good news.
-What is that about? -Nothing.
Man stuff.
What do you mean, "man stuff"? Tell me now.
Just he has a problem with his ball bag.
It's like, one of them has
turned hard like a stone, apparently.
Hey! Have you told Kelly yet?
He just told me.
Cool, right?
Uh, I don't know what you want me to say,
to be honest with you.
I'll give you two more time to discuss.
KELLY: I told you I would kill it out there.
-I totally sold out. -You're a little version of me,
Boss Bitch in the making, and it was all one customer?
Yeah, but he, like, is obsessed with it.
He already texted me he wants more.
-"He"? -I mean, does it matter,
if we're closing deals?
We really want to be reaching women, you know,
tapping into that vast sisterhood
of not just customers but potential new reps.
Okay. To be honest, like,
I was kind of striking out with the ladies.
Let me teach you a sales technique
that's designed specifically for women.
It preys on their own insecurities.
-Okay. -Kelly, let me level with you.
I know how frustrating thin and stringy hair can be.
What?
You don't have to pretend with me; I get it.
I tried, like, a conditioner,
and I paid 15 stupid dollars, all I had, and it did nothing.
What if I told you I have a product
that can fix that stringy mess?
-This will fix my nasty hair? -Yes.
No. Does it matter? That was a technique.
See what I did?
-Huh? -Oh, my God.
Yeah, you don't need that crap. Your hair is great.
I was like, "What is happening right now?"
-You hurt my feelings. -(both laughing)
Great. That's how it works.
My hair is beautiful.
I tell you what.
Why don't I go on a few sales with you tomorrow.
We'll definitely have a good time,
share a few laughs,
and maybe I can teach you a few more sales techniques.
-I would love that. -Hey. It's a date.
Yeah. I'm really worried about Joe.
I think he's already fully addicted to this green stuff.
I ran into him earlier.
He had, like, a permanent green mustache from it.
Okay, no. I've got to go.
CHERYL: Scrolling through his recent posts,
I count five 5K runs in the last 24 hours
and, like, 15 posts about how much he loves green juice.
Oh. You have to understand.
With Joe, when he gets obsessed about something,
he can go way down a rabbit hole.
I mean, when we were together, he became so obsessed
with jigsaw puzzles that he wore the fingerprints
off of his right index finger and thumb.
We have our weekly brunch tomorrow.
I'm going to talk to him about it.
Is my skin glowing?
I think it might be. Weird, right?
And this juice is actually really tasty.
I think it does actually energize you.
My last two runs were, like,
a whole minute faster than usual.
Nice try. Not impressed. Not impressed.
CHERYL: I don't know where he is.
Joe is a lot of things, but he is never late
for our brunch.
Oh, wait. There he...
goes. That was Joe.
You just have to go in acting like
you've got it already because you do.
Hey, guys! We got mail.
Swing by later, and we'll see if we've got some good news
for all of us to celebrate.
(stammering) Really? Wow. Okay, yeah.
He has, like, a messed up downstairs area.
(scoffs) Don't they all?
Okay. I gotta go.
You can tell by the way he runs.
KELLY: Apparently it's just like rock hard.
Oh, my God. I am so nervous because, like, I mean,
if I get in, it's, like, Cleveland, but what?
They have the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and a museum
with authentic dinosaur bones and art school.
I mean, it's big time, but then, you know, also,
if I get in, I gotta deal with Kelly.
She'd, like, definitely freak out,
and not in a good way, either.
ELIZABETH: Hey, Kelly.
Elizabeth, gorgeous to see you.
This is my Aunt Lola, my icon.
-Sup? -Hi.
So, listen.
Today, we came by to give you some very exciting news.
-Okay. -Are you tired of being mousy?
-What? -Like a timid,
little mousy mouse girl?
What? Dude, she's not a mouse girl.
What are you talking about?
Kelly thought you might be excited to hear about a product
that could make your skin glow.
Yes! Don't you want to stop looking like, you know,
the pale spooky dolls from the doll museum?
Dude, leave her alone. Her skin's beautiful.
She's practically perfect.
Okay. I know she's beautiful. She's gorgeous, okay?
But she's not allowing that beauty to come out,
and she needs juice for that.
Oh. Hey, guys.
Care to join us for a rousing game of crazy eights?
-What are you doing here? -Just hanging.
"Hanging" or... or, like, hanging?
Oh, we're full-on hanging in all the best ways.
-Isn't he funny? -Absolutely not. I have to go.
(bell tolls)
Oh, my God.
The juice said it was just for women, and now, he's dead.
Shrub. Hey.
I'm just draining the lactic acid out of my calves.
Oh, my God.
They've been cramping bad. The letter is on the table.
Oh, my God. I can't open it.
-You want me to open it? -No.
Yes.
No, don't. (stammers) Yeah.
Open it, open it, open it, open it, please, please.
Okay.
Let's see here.
Oh, God.
"We are thrilled to offer you a spot
in our visual arts program for the upcoming semester."
-I got in? -You got in.
I got--oh, my God, I got in! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Stop. I know exactly which song I need right now.
-Oh. -Please move.
(mouse clicking, Scooter's "Nessaja" plays)
(autotuned voice sings) ♪ Always lived my life alone
♪ Been searching for a place called home ♪
It's just the intro. Just wait.
♪ The child that I used to be ♪
♪ And I know that it's not too late ♪
♪ Never too late
3:00 a.m.!
(crowd cheers)
(dramatic electronic music plays)
The painted cow!
♪
Yeah!
♪
Ooh. I love this song,
have it on my Let's Get It On mix
right after "Let's Get It On."
Got to keep them on their toes.
Uh, Mandy, what's up?
Oh. Your presence is requested in the (indistinct) room.
-(winces) -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(panting) I'll miss you.
Okay, welcome to the Energize Her family.
As a thank-you, we want to give you this pen on us, okay?
-Mom, whose car is out front? -Hi, Daniel.
Is your brother coming for lunch?
He's right behind me. Who are you people?
Hi, a pleasure to meet you.
We were just talking to your mom about some lady business.
-Yes. -Unbelievable.
Another one of these scams?
Don't worry, Marlene, okay? This isn't a scam.
That's just what the patriarchy wants us to think.
-Right, Lola? -Yeah.
I'm going to talk to my partner for a sec.
Yeah, good.
(whispering) Kel, I can't lie to my favorite niece.
Okay.
This company might have elements
of a pyramid built into it.
It does?
Okay, but that's why I didn't want you to sign up.
So it is a scam.
No, the blazer is basically free, and I don't think
there's anything too harmful in the juice, so whatever.
You know what? We're done here for the day,
so we're just going to head on out,
and we will be in touch with you, Marlene.
We've had enough of this crap. All right?
Rodney, call the cops.
-Cheryl, is it my birthday? -Oh, rad.
I could use some cake to settle me down right now.
No, Joe. This is an intervention.
Will there still be cake?
Oh, well, yes, actually.
I told you people would want it.
SHRUB: Best day ever.
And it is because you are such a caring person, Joe,
that you mean a lot to this community.
(all murmur in agreement)
We love you,
and we worry that you push yourself so hard
that you could hurt yourself, and you missed our brunch.
I was really looking forward to that brunch.
Cheryl said she loves me, right?
I mean, you heard it.
I mean, that's all that matters.
I don't really care about some stupid mystery runner
or some stupid running app.
(phone thuds)
I do need my phone.
Thank you, Cheryl. It means a lot to me.
We just want you to be safe,
and that green stuff is a scam. It's a pyramid scheme.
-You don't need it. -What?
-100% a scam. -(scoffs)
-Should we hug again? -Yeah, definitely.
-Mm. -(clears throat)
I have a letter I would like to read.
Oh, yes, Len, by all means.
(clears throat)
"Dear Joe, this is Len from East Warwick Street.
"I'm writing you today to tell you
"that I don't like it when you eat
"your takeout shrimp fried rice lunches in the community room.
"It smells up the whole room
"and interferes with my midday nap
that I take on the couch in there."
You've taken a nap on the couch?
-I'm very tired. -Okay. Thank you so much, Len.
Oh, good. You're all here. (clears throat)
Ladies, has the patriarchy got you down?
-CHERYL: Mm-mm. -Well, with Energize Her...
Nadine, no! No, Nadine! Out!
Wow. Okay.
Yeah, I just think this is some sort of weird misunderstanding.
I'm not interested in your baloney, sweetheart.
Take a seat, and we're going to wait for the police to show up.
Fellow, fellows, hold up, okay? I get it.
I know these days it feels like everywhere you turn,
there's a scam, bad news everywhere you look,
car payments, electric bills.
You don't have time for personal care
like you used to, huh? It's starting to show.
You're not as young as you used to be.
Your skin is, uh, what do we say?
-Oh, bleh. -Bleh. Gross. Disgusting.
Rodney, you are looking a little blotchy lately.
-KELLY: Yeah, okay? -LOLA: Blotchy.
-KELLY: She gets it. -DANIEL: You're fine, Rodney.
And you know what, I bet if y'all try some of our products,
you'll realize this isn't some kind of evil plot.
-Hey, Kelly. -Yes?
Get ready to smash a glass ceiling.
-Go! -Oh!
-[bleep]! What the-- -See you later, sweetheart!
-Okay. -What?
-LOLA: Go. Go. -KELLY: Go. Go. Go. Go.
-DANIEL: You get back here. -LOLA: Go. Go!
Hey. Don't go anywhere!
-(coughing) -(engine revving)
KELLY: So, yeah. Energize Her was a scam all along.
Do I blame Lola?
I mean, a lady has got to do what a lady has got to do
in a male-dominated scam economy.
-You got it? -Yeah.
KELLY: All I know is that Lola is a badass
boss bitch super hero, and I'm a little version of her.
Like, being a business queen's in my blood.
And, man, we had so much fun today.
-Write some [bleep]. -Thank you.
I can't wait to own my own business like hers,
just be roaming the country, getting into adventures,
beating up the bad guys,
and, like, throwing pens in their faces,
just, like, living the American dream.
Oh.
I have to get Father Joe back his money
and tell him the juice was kind of a scam.
Well, I found out who the local legend was.
Me. Yeah.
Apparently the app just ups your time
a little bit every day
to push you to beat your last time, and it works.
I got down to an 8-minute mile.
That's, like, cheetah-fast,
not super-healthy, though. So much chafing.
Anyways, thanks to Cheryl, I kicked it.
(groans softly)
You know, when I moved to Flatch,
I thought that I had to branch out
and make a name for myself,
but the name that I kept hearing was Cheryl.
I'm addicted to her, and I'd be crazy to lose that.
So, yeah.
I got into art school,
and as far as Kelly goes,
I-I don't really know what I'm going to tell her.
Uh, yeah. Maybe I'll just, like, call her
when I get to Cleveland or whatever just to,
you know, like, not make it awkward or whatever.
I don't know, but what I do know
is that I am going to need those bad boys for college.
That is for sure.