("Jingle Bells" playing)
¶
(car door clicks shut)
(engine starts)
So, yeah, I mean,
only Father Joe knows but uh,
I'm going off to art school in Cleveland next month.
Bye, antique store.
I'm just uh, doing my goodbye tour of Flatch,
just soaking it in while I can.
KELLY: Shrub, there you are. (heavy breathing)
I'm playing Santa Claus this year.
So every Christmas Eve, my dad throws a party
at the Christmas Tree Farm.
It's mostly to get people to buy last minute trees,
which is genius. The whole town comes.
Normally, my dad plays Santa and me and Shrub are elves.
But this year he said, he's too busy with Jessie
and the new baby, so he promoted me to Santa.
And I accepted.
Kelly, that's a big job.
I mean, I'm so good at multi-tasking, I can do it.
Dude, you can't even put on a jacket while watching TV.
I mean, yes, you'll still have to play an elf this year.
So I will technically be your boss, but it's temporary, okay?
Shrub, it's happening, our dream!
Like, we're gonna be running that place someday.
-Yeah. -(laughs) Yes!
KELLY: I'm so excited.
Shrub, these financial aid forms are due in a week,
and you haven't filled out any of them.
Have you looked at the menu
that they posted on the school cafeteria page?
No, why would I?
Like what the hell is pest-o?
That's what you're worried about?
No, I mean,
I also have questions about the boneless chicken too.
I mean, like, what's wrong with bones?
They hold us up.
Uh, pesto is a sauce
made of pine nuts, basil, and olive oil.
Shrub, going off to college is a big deal.
I wouldn't blame you if you were nervous.
Yeah, I'm not nervous. I just don't like weird sauces.
-Have you told Kelly yet? -No, I mean, not yet.
I mean, she needs to get through the Christmas Eve party
without destroying the entire Santa brand.
You should probably tell her soon.
It's not gonna be easy for her.
Oh, please, dude. Kelly can withstand anything.
She's like a cockroach,
in, you know, a very positive, resilient way.
I mean, like, when her dad left, like,
she only stayed in the basement for, like, four days,
dyed her hair green, and ate two blocks of cheese.
Yeah, I should probably tell her soon.
JOE: Yeah.
Oh, my God, Lloyd. The first time I had pesto
in Florence was a transcendental experience.
Oh, dude, I am a pine nut nut.
My new college roommate, Chris Jordan, and I
met last week on FaceTime and we are totally simpatico,
which I don't know exactly what it means,
but it sounds pretty awesome.
Um, and oh, I'm going by my real name,
Lloyd, when I get to school. Yeah.
Lloyd loves pesto
and scarves.
It is my first Christmas in Flatch,
so I am ready. (laughs)
I started a secret Santa gift exchange
and got seven good people of Flatch to join me.
We exchange on Christmas Eve, $25 limit.
And guess who I got?
Irony alert. Joe.
(laughs) I already got him a gift.
It's a bonsai!
It's important to put thought into your gifts.
If I get one more smelly candle,
I swear to gosh, it is such a cop out.
Nadine!
I am so excited that you signed up
for the secret Santa gift exchange.
You know what's a great gift? Not candles, but Bundt pans.
Good try, but I'm not revealing who I picked.
-Are we in a staring contest? -Nope.
Dylan and the baby and I are doing a live nativity scene
for the Christmas party.
Can you believe? I'm so excited.
I'm practicing staying totally still.
Nadine forced me to tell her who I got for secret Santa,
and it turns out, I got her. She's making me
do this live nativity as her secret Santa gift.
Three hours, no moving, no bathroom breaks.
It seems like it's worth more than $25.
So it's 6:00 p.m. sharp,
he flips the fake switch,
you plug this in there, copy?
Copy. Got it.
All right.
Hey, so, Dad, you know, I was sort of thinking
this is probably the first step in,
you know, my helping you out here full time.
Oh, yeah?
You think you're ready for that?
Oh, hell yeah.
I could run this place for you some day.
You really wanna do a good job?
-Mm-hmm. -Sell this crappy tree.
I've been growing it for four years.
No one ever buys it.
I figure we dress it up, someone will bite.
A big part of playing Santa is upselling.
Upsell.
Are you ready?
Ah, hey. Yeah.
Go, I got this.
It's a baby. How's my baby, huh?
-Let's go. -How's my baby, Ashlynn?
JESSIE: You wanna go see Santa?
BOBBY: Ho ho ho.
Okay, so when breaking bad news to Kelly,
it's always best to bring donuts, okay?
It's very specific sugar math. Okay?
Like, uh, for example, two donuts for this time
I had to tell her that I lost her Def Leppard hat.
Four crullers for when I found that same hat at Goodwill
and she had to buy it back, so me going off to college
is for sure a dozen jelly filled.
Hey! Hey!
Hey.
Getting our yule tides on. You ready?
Yeah, that's right.
I have really good news. Since I'm now the boss,
big guy, I'm promoting you to head elf.
We, uh, never really had a head elf before.
I know, but I'm the boss now so I get to make [bleep] up.
Check it out.
Here. Don't lose that, okay?
It was mine.
I put my name in it and everything.
I once had to buy my own hat back from Goodwill,
so yeah, name goes in everything now.
Put it on. Tick tock, dude.
Okay. Look at you!
-Hey-- -Donuts?
-Hmm. -Thank you so much.
("Deck the Halls" playing)
¶ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ¶
¶ 'Tis the season to be jolly ¶
¶ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ¶
Glen, this is for you. I'm your secret Santa.
But I need to be in the nativity in like ten minutes,
so yeah, Merry Christmas.
It's supposed to calm you down.
Glen! Oh, my God!
That's an essential oil.
You're supposed to rub it on your temples.
It tastes like crap.
Oh--
Hey, my bro.
Oh, no one's putting this elf on a shelf, huh?
Huh? (laughs)
-H-hey, Beth. -Hi.
Okay, we gotta go.
So, like, we're kinda in charge,
so we can't really be hanging out.
But also, you guys, this very special tree,
gorgeous, right?
She's on sale today only.
And, like, a lot of people want it, FYI, okay?
Thank you.
Well, if I thought love was gonna keep me in Flatch,
that ship has fully sailed.
But you know what?
Chris Jordan says that there are tons of girls at school.
And they're from all over, like, Wisconsin.
MICKEY: Cheese!
Oh, my God.
(camera shutter clicks)
("Gloria in excelsis Deo")
KELLY: Okay, elves, huddle up. Huddle up.
As you can see, there's a new gorgeous Santa in town.
That does not mean you can slack off.
We might have had fun the last few years,
but it's not like that.
Okay, I'm gonna make my dad proud
so you need to stay in line.
Shrub is your new boss, and he'll report to me.
What? That's some [bleep].
I have total elf seniority over him.
So I used to help chop down the trees at the party for people.
I've got the upper body strength,
and I know my way around an axe.
But a big strong lady carrying around an axe
in the dark doesn't always go well.
So I agreed to start dressing like an elf
so people could see me coming.
No good deed, man.
No good deed.
This is some straight up North Pole nepotism.
Big Mandy and Levi,
you're in charge of keeping the line moving, okay?
No pitter patter.
Also, no eating the candy canes.
And bathroom breaks
are staggered every two hours, heard?
What?
I only do this for the free candy.
Kell, this is kinda rough. I really--
I'm sorry. Are you management?
Yes. You are, Shrub.
Keep your elves in line, boss elf.
Also, everyone, sell the crap outta that sad tree, okay?
It's part of the job.
But don't call it sad to anyone else.
Okay. Ho ho ho.
Three, two, one. Christmas elves.
All right.
I'm your secret Santa.
Glen! Thank you so much.
(upbeat festive music)
-Is it cooking oil? -Yup.
¶
CHILD: And a new scooter
and a box of Legos
and a baby sister.
Hmm.
And a lizard and--
Okay, we get it, buddy. You like stuff, yup.
You don't sound like Santa.
Hey, Kell. Line's getting long there.
-On it. -Come on.
Hey, also get your parents to buy that tree.
Okay, who's next? Who's next?
-Hey, elves. -Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Where are Mandy and Levi?
I don't know, dude. I don't know!
You had one job, Shrub!
CHILD: It's my turn!
(children chattering)
What is this?
A list of our demands. Me and Levi are unionizing.
Five minutes off an hour?
Like, there's no-- that's not realistic.
And free hot chocolate.
With mini marshmallows. That was my idea.
Boom.
Okay, did you know about this?
No.
Okay, well, I'm not giving in to your labor demands, okay?
You know what?
You're fired. Both of you.
Thank God.
Let's go make some Kwanzaa wreaths.
-Sounds good. -You coming?
No, he's not coming.
Kell, they had some fair points.
Okay, you're management.
You don't side with the workers, okay?
-We're a team. -No, we're not, dude!
You're kinda bossy and mean, and I'm going away to college.
- What?
(festive holiday music)
¶
Hey, there, boss elf.
Hey, I told Kelly about school.
Good for you. How'd she take it?
Tell Shrub that I want my fidget spinner back,
the "Trolls World Tour" one, not the janky blue one.
-Kelly, Shrub's right here. -Tell him.
Shrub, Kelly wants--
Okay, fine, you tell her that I want my gym bag
and my guinea pig back. How about that?
(gasps) Flatch doesn't even have a gym,
and that guinea pig died nine years ago of old age.
Yeah, while you were guinea sitting.
Well, she didn't take it as well as I thought,
so I'm just gonna give her some space, I guess.
-Hi, Shrub. -Hey, Beth.
(warm music)
Uh, where's your boyfriend, Mickey?
He's getting us punch.
And he's not really my boyfriend.
¶
Really?
Well, um, I'm glad you found someone to hang with
'cause I'm actually going off
to college in Cleveland.
I'm happy for you
but sad for me.
You are?
Well, I guess I was hoping
we might, um,
get back together.
Mistletoe.
Oh. (laughs)
Hey! Sorry it took so long.
They were playing early Britney in the wreath tent.
And my head said, "Go."
But my feet said, "Oh, heck no."
Oh, mistletoe. Mm.
Wisconsin girls might be cool,
but I just kissed Beth.
And Mickey.
-Surprise! -Oh!
I'm your secret Santa.
Well, this is exciting.
Uh-huh.
-Candle! -Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's so sweet, June.
- And this...
is oil.
For plants.
JOE: Hey there, buddy. I'm your secret Santa.
So here you go--straight from Cottage Grove, Minnesota,
a real local delicacy.
Fresh old walleye.
Yeah.
You might want to keep these refrigerated.
Oh! Oh, jeez.
Oh. Oh, boy.
These guys are smelly, huh?
Oh, boy.
Stop moving!
Look! Father Joe's a wise man.
And he's offering the baby fish?
-Let's go get a wreath. -Yeah.
Mm.
I got you something.
Oh.
(gasps) Bundt pans.
Mandy, how'd you know?
Girl, the whole town knew.
And I got you,
um, this.
Ooh.
Ooh! Thank you!
And that. (laughs)
Oh, hell no.
Okay, I gave this to Nadine
last year for her birthday
after I got it from Leotha for Valentine's.
Kudos to you for trying to pawn it off,
but the nightmare ends here.
No more, Leotha. No more.
We're done.
I do love the candle, though.
Oh, I'm glad.
So someone didn't mix enough elf-ade.
So guess who has to go get some more lemonade mix?
And the kids actually booed me when I left.
And I was like, "Oh, hell no.
You do not boo a national treasure."
Santa's beard's messed up.
You're messed up, dude. God.
NADINE: (strained breathing)
Dylan.
Dylan, I don't feel so--
like, I don't feel--
(vomiting)
KELLY: Hey, what?
Get the camera out of my face!
Get it out!
Nadine, are you okay?
Get your fish hands aw-- away from me.
Get--stop!
(moans)
Kell! What are you doing?
You've got one minute till the tree lighting.
On it. Sorry, Pops.
("Gloria in excelsis Deo")
Binghoffer, your secret Santa
told me to give this to you.
Who am I kidding? I'm your secret Santa.
No way!
A bonsai?
I love little things I can obsess over.
Cheryl, this is--
it's the best gift ever.
Thank you.
And I got something for you too.
Why? You're not my secret Santa.
I know, I know. But just come here.
Santa's coming through. Sorry.
Um, you know I like
to shop for gifts early.
So I, uh,
got this for you for Christmas
before we broke up.
Oh.
You bought me the sky.
No, I got you a star.
Oh.
Yeah, it comes with official paperwork and everything.
Oh, Joe. That's so sweet.
Yeah.
There it is,
the Cheryl star.
Oh, I love it.
Anyway, I took the Christmas tree star
when we split,
but now you got a new one.
What if I want the old one?
That can be arranged.
You smell like my future.
(sniffs) And walleye.
Yeah.
ALL: Three, two, one!
Aw, boo!
(crowd booing)
-Come on, come on. -Turn on the tree!
What happened? Come on!
Oh. Ah!
(crowd shouting)
(crowd cheering)
-(crowd screaming) -Fire!
-Whoa! -(cheers and applause)
All right!
Somebody call the fire department!
Someone call the fire department!
-Yeah! -Oh, man!
You thought you could run this place someday.
You can't even plug in a string of lights without screwing up.
Okay, well, like, in my defense,
Mandy dumped a bunch of oil back there
and all my elves quit on me.
You know, you don't even look like Santa.
I knew this was a mistake.
I mean, who's gonna buy the tree?
Look at it. Look!
I don't think it's so bad.
It's, like, cute in a non-cute way.
And you know what?
Just because it's old and not super pretty
doesn't mean you should just throw it out
for some new cute tree like it doesn't even matter.
Maybe it was perfect just the way it was, Dad.
And you don't look like Santa either.
I might have puked in the crèche,
but it was for a totally good reason.
And that reason wasn't stinky fish.
I'm pregnant. (laughing)
I'm just like Mary.
It's a Christmas miracle.
(laughing)
Okay, well, I'm not just like Mary
because we actually tried pretty hard.
(sighs)
Oh, no, no, hold it, Horace. I'm just testing it out.
Seriously? Oh, God.
(phone ringing) Sorry.
Go for Lloyd.
Hey, Lloyd, question.
Um, which side of the room do you want?
Oh, um,
Kelly usually just tells me which side I get.
Who's Kelly? Is that your girlfriend or--
Oh, gross, no.
She's, uh, like, my cousin.
Oh.
Oh, you sleep with your cousin?
Lloyd, that is some serious hick town [bleep].
Um, uh, no,
I don't sleep with her, perv.
No, she's awesome.
Like, I mean, you'll see, when she comes and visits.
Oh, okay, Lloyd. That's a hard no.
I can't have visitors in my space.
Like, I need to maintain my creative autonomy.
Come on, Shrub. You gonna ride or not?
-Who's Shrub? -Uh, me, dude, I'm Shrub.
And guess what?
You know, my hick town is awesome.
And my cousin rocks
in a totally not sexy way.
("Blue Christmas" playing)
¶ I'll have a blue Christmas ¶
¶ Without you
¶
¶ And I'll be so blue
¶ Just thinking about you
¶ Decorations of red
¶ On a green
¶ Christmas tree
¶ Won't be
¶ The same, dear
¶ If you're not here with me
(sighs)
Here is the fidget spinner.
I'm pretty sure it's not yours but whatever.
It's mine.
I stole this from nan's fridge.
I'm just gonna say it, okay. Like, you can't go away.
You hate sleeping in new beds.
And your wheelie bag is broken.
And it's not because we've, like,
never been apart for Christmas
or that I couldn't run this place by myself
or that I can't just drink this whole thing by myself,
'cause you know I could. I could chug it, right here.
Well, I've been thinking about it,
and, I don't know,
I might just...
stay in Flatch a little bit longer.
You know, take a gap year,
which Chris Jordan says
that people in England do it all the time.
Who's Chris Jordan?
This guy.
He was gonna be my college roommate.
Um, hi, okay, weirdo, Chris Jordan?
Shrub, okay,
you can't trust someone who has two first names.
Yeah, thank you.
Uh, who pyroed the ugly tree?
Me, I guess.
My dad reamed me out, but I told him off a little.
You know he's a total [bleep], right?
Yeah. Sometimes he is.
Hey, come on. Give me that spinner.
I have an idea.
("Like It's Christmas" playing)
¶ You make every day feel
¶ Like it's Christmas
¶ Never wanna stop
¶ Feelin' like the first thing on your wishlist ¶
¶ Right up at the top
¶ I can't deny what I'm feelin' inside ¶
¶ Nothin' fake about the way you bring me to life ¶
¶ You make every day feel like it's Christmas ¶
¶ Every day that I'm with you ¶
¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
¶ Oh, oh, oh
¶ Every day that I'm with you ¶
¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
¶ Oh, oh, oh
¶ Every day that I'm with you ¶