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- ♪ Baby, I heard a rumor ♪
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♪ ♪
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[music continues on radio]
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- Aye!
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- ♪ And show me
what I wanna see ♪
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[radio turns off]
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- I cannot tell you
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how excited I am
for this weekend.
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- Real estate!
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- Kelly.
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- This weekend is the Tri-State
Real Estate Conference.
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- Yeah, the real Tri-State,
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Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio.
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New York, New Jersey,
and the other one can suck it.
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- So I'm gonna
be pitching Flatch
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as the next big thing
to Ohio's top investors
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at the On The Horizon
presentations.
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All the best realtors in
the region are gonna be here,
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so naturally, Kelly and I had
to come and make an appearance.
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- Yeah. A-and I'm basically
just here as Barb's first man,
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which makes you the president
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of the conference
in that scenario.
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- [giggles]
- How do you like that?
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- This weekend was supposed
to be about me and Barb,
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like, growing our brand.
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Now Shrub's here,
which is cool,
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'cause he's, like,
my best friend's...boyfriend.
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[huffs] I just thought
it was gonna be me and Barb,
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but whatever.
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No, keep looking
at your phone, dude.
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Don't worry about me.
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- Hashtag, frickin' suite life!
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Ugh!
- Wait, is this water free?
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- Yeah, it comes with the room.
both: What?
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- There's another room.
There's another room.
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- What are we,
frickin' rock stars?
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- [laughs]
- Oh!
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- Oh, my God!
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Okay, home sweet home.
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So what do we wanna hit first,
mixer, seminar?
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- I was actually thinking
that we could maybe
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just hang out in the room
for a little bit.
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- Okay, yes, I love that.
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Maybe we practice the pitch
for the investors.
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Let me know if you want
any feedback, okay?
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Everyone thinks I'm too honest.
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- [grunts]
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- Hey, buddy.
What the hell you doing?
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- Um, unpacking. Why?
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- Um, last I checked, you're
not a realtor in training,
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so these two queen beds are
actually fit for two queens.
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- Yeah, Kel,
Barb and I are a couple,
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and couples sleep together.
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Isn't that right, baby?
- Um, yeah.
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You understand, right?
- Yeah.
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- I'm gonna go sleep
on the pullout couch.
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And I'm--that's okay.
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Got it, okay.
- That would be great.
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- It's just we're
probably gonna use both, so...
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- Hey, why don't you go
check out the opening remarks,
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and I'll meet you there in,
like, 20 minutes.
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- Okay.
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Okay, but if you miss
the opening remarks,
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closing remarks are gonna
make zero sense!
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- Today, I am meeting
with a new gynecologist,
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Dr. Amber Newton.
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She is the best gyno
within a 50 mile radius,
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which isn't saying that much,
'cause there's only two.
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- The good news is,
you have a pristine uterus.
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- [giggling]
Oh, well, thank you.
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I'll put that on my résumé.
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- Yep.
Now, the bad news,
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medically speaking,
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your ovaries are headed
to early retirement.
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I'm just gonna cut
to the chase.
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Do you want kids?
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- Oh, gosh.
Uh...maybe?
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I don't know.
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Is that bad?
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My boyfriend, Joe,
has always been
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very ready for kids,
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but, um, it's been
a crazy couple years.
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- Same here, girlfriend.
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Ever since I got
thrown off that horse,
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I haven't been the same since.
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- Oh, my God, literally?
- Yeah.
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You know, and they say,
get right back on the horse.
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But if it is mad enough,
it'll throw you off again,
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and nobody tells you that.
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Anyway, have you thought
about freezing your eggs?
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- Oh. Um, honestly, no.
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But I have read about it.
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- It's a great option
for slowing down the clock.
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And a lot of women take
this route.
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It gives them a little more
agency and control.
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- When you're putting
a listing on Zillow,
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make sure to use buzzwords
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to drive traffic
to your properties.
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Buzzwords include:
spacious, sun-drenched,
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garage, backyard, pool.
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Word to the wise,
only put "pool"
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if there really is a pool.
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[laughter]
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Learned that lesson
the hard way.
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- Normally, I think
school is so boring,
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but this is amazing, right?
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- I know that feeling.
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Is this your first TSCC?
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- Yeah.
- Welcome.
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Stan Foster, here on behalf
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of the Foster Family Foundation
Butter Bust Collection.
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We're, uh, launching
a new museum of our busts
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exclusively carved from butter.
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N-not the museum,
the stuff inside of it.
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- Okay.
- We're actually on the hunt
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for our new location
for our new museum.
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Yeah, our busts
go back decades.
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Not very many butter busters
can say that,
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because--you know,
because they, um--
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because they melt.
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- Well, I--Kelly Mallet,
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realtor of the stars--
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soon.
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Uh, right now I'm mainly
operating in Flatch, Ohio,
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as I like to say
"The Big Little Apple."
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And I actually left
my business cards at home.
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And--but in trade for yours,
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I would love to give you
this piece of gum--
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unchewed.
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- Oh, you shouldn't have.
[both laugh]
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- Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
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- So always check to make sure
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that the space
is homeowner-free.
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[laughter]
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- Joe, I am freezing my eggs.
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- Huh.
Frozen chicken eggs,
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that's like a reverse
hard-boil.
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- Oh, no.
I--I mean in here.
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- Oh, wow.
That's, uh--
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that's kind of a big deal.
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- It is.
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And it is also not.
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[chuckles]
- Yeah.
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- Like putting your bananas
in the freezer
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to save 'em for a smoothie
later in the week.
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But it is also okay
if you forget about them
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and they get freezer burn.
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- Does this mean you want kids?
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- Ye--I...don't know.
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All I know is I have
the ovaries of a Golden Girl,
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and, um,
I am running out of time.
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So even though I'm very,
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very young still, I--
- Hey, hey, hey.
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Young or not, this is great.
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It's a good thing.
- What's the "or not?"
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- No, you're young.
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You're so young,
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like a--like a baby bird.
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You know, like a--
a baby bird having a baby?
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- Well, I'm not having a baby.
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I am just getting
an egg retrieval.
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But I do need your help.
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- Sure.
Come on, anything you need.
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- I need you to inject me
with hormones
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to prepare my body
for the procedure.
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Just has to happen
a couple times a day.
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- Oh.
- Meet me in the bathroom?
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- I am terrified of needles,
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even the ones they use
to blow up basketballs.
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That's why I ended up
on the badminton team.
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[light applause]
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- Hi!
- Hi, girlie.
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Oh, my God, what'd I miss?
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- Dude, check out my haul--
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literally three mouse pads.
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They're just giving these out.
I don't even have a mouse.
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- Dude, who cares?
They're free.
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- Exactly.
- I mean, that's amazing.
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[upbeat music playing]
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- Whoo!
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- I have the great honor
of announcing
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a very special surprise guest,
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our Friday night
keynote speaker,
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coming all the way
from Florida...
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- Oh, my God,
you got to be kidding me.
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Another Floridian?
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[gasps]
Oh, you know what?
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I bet it's Becky Winters.
Uh-huh.
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She is twisted.
- Oh, heck yeah.
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- Please give a warm
Tri-State area welcome
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to our friend all the way
from Pompano Beach...
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- What?
- The one and only,
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Bert Feliciano!
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all: [chanting]
Bert! Bert! Bert! Bert!
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- Hello, beautiful people.
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- Is that...
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- My [bleep] ex-husband.
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[cheers and applause continue]
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- Screw Bert.
He thinks he can just
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roll up into my conference...
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- Hey.
- All confident and successful
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and keynote speaker-y...
- Mm-mm.
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- Hi.
- Wearing a suit that I got him
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for our anniversary?
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It's like, what? No.
I'm happy too.
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You know what,
he can suck it, so--
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- Yeah, he can suck it big.
- Yep.
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- Well, well, well, if it isn't
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the most beautiful lady
in the whole damn conference.
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- What are you doing here,
Bert?
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00:07:33,269 --> 00:07:36,621
- You know I can't say no to
a extra leg room economy ticket
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00:07:36,773 --> 00:07:38,198
and continental breakfast.
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Besides, I had a throbbing
sense that you might be here.
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- [clears throat]
Hi. Uh, Shrub.
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00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:45,464
I'm, uh, Barb's current, uh,
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00:07:45,615 --> 00:07:47,615
person of interest,
sexually speaking.
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Do the math.
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- Here I was about to hand you
my keys.
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00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,954
- Oh, yeah?
- Thought you were the valet.
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00:07:53,031 --> 00:07:54,139
Let me get you a drink, Barbie.
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00:07:54,216 --> 00:07:56,475
- Uh, I'm not thirsty,
and don't call me that.
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00:07:56,626 --> 00:07:58,868
- Ah, everyone's thirsty.
Two vodka Bertinis.
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00:07:58,887 --> 00:08:01,037
Put it on the penthouse suite.
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00:08:01,056 --> 00:08:02,481
- Yes--
- Last name Feliciano.
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00:08:02,557 --> 00:08:05,800
- A-and I will do
a vodka Gatorade.
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00:08:05,894 --> 00:08:06,968
Okay, or not.
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00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,970
- Heard you landed back
in Flatch, Barb.
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00:08:09,047 --> 00:08:10,822
Pretty small market up there.
How's that working out for you?
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00:08:10,974 --> 00:08:12,565
- You know what,
Flatch is amazing.
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00:08:12,718 --> 00:08:13,992
And it's not about
the size of the market.
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It's what you do with it.
But you wouldn't know
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anything about that, so.
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00:08:17,222 --> 00:08:19,313
- Exactly.
Hey, Bert, man to man,
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Barb actually has to get ready
for a presentation.
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00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:22,650
So I think you should go.
No offense,
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but your stinky breath's
giving everyone a migraine.
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- Ugh, God.
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00:08:25,989 --> 00:08:26,913
- Is that so?
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00:08:27,065 --> 00:08:29,065
- Yeah, it is.
I'm thriving, okay?
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I'm thriving, Bert.
So just deal with it.
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I will not let that man
make me feel bad
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about my career choices--
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00:08:34,163 --> 00:08:37,882
or my life choices
or my boy toy choices.
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I have moved on.
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Barb is doing great.
Eye on the prize.
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00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:43,688
And Operation
"Get Flatch on the Map"
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00:08:43,765 --> 00:08:45,607
is still a go, so...
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00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:49,152
But damn, he smelled good.
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- Quick,
before someone sees us.
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00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,520
- What if I put it on a chair
and you just sit on it?
251
00:08:59,598 --> 00:09:00,947
- [sighs]
Let's get this over with.
252
00:09:01,099 --> 00:09:02,189
I have to go back to work.
253
00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:03,542
- Okay, we're gonna do it.
254
00:09:03,693 --> 00:09:04,934
[inhales]
255
00:09:04,953 --> 00:09:06,603
We're doing it. We're doing it.
256
00:09:06,696 --> 00:09:07,712
Yep.
257
00:09:07,864 --> 00:09:09,122
Starting now.
258
00:09:09,274 --> 00:09:11,916
Three, two, one.
259
00:09:11,993 --> 00:09:14,094
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
260
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,046
- Seeing Bert yesterday
definitely threw me
261
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,807
for a curveball,
but today is a new day.
262
00:09:27,959 --> 00:09:30,143
I've got my pitch,
I've got my boy toy,
263
00:09:30,295 --> 00:09:32,295
I've got my new attitude,
and--oh,
264
00:09:32,314 --> 00:09:34,722
big ol' glass of wine
never hurt anybody.
265
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,575
[laughs]
So bottoms up.
266
00:09:36,726 --> 00:09:38,201
Go, Barb.
267
00:09:39,471 --> 00:09:40,895
- [gasping]
268
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,155
Shrub, how many seconds
was that?
269
00:09:42,324 --> 00:09:44,974
- I'm sorry, I lost count.
Barb was nibbling my ear.
270
00:09:44,993 --> 00:09:46,159
- Damn it, Shrub!
I was under there
271
00:09:46,311 --> 00:09:48,920
for, like, five minutes.
Are you serious?
272
00:09:48,997 --> 00:09:50,830
You guys, I think I figured out
273
00:09:50,907 --> 00:09:52,816
how to breathe underwater
using the air jets.
274
00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:53,741
- Heh-heh-hey.
275
00:09:53,819 --> 00:09:55,427
I thought I might
find you here.
276
00:09:55,503 --> 00:09:57,244
- Uh, yeah,
obviously we're here.
277
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,746
It's the hot tub.
It's, like, the hottest place
278
00:09:58,765 --> 00:09:59,764
you can be in a hotel.
279
00:09:59,841 --> 00:10:00,990
- Good one.
[inhales deeply]
280
00:10:00,992 --> 00:10:03,009
Mm.
That chlorine's taking me back.
281
00:10:03,161 --> 00:10:04,603
Remember Charleston,
Barb, 2009,
282
00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:05,937
La Quinta Inn?
283
00:10:06,164 --> 00:10:07,588
- I don't.
- That hot tub looked
284
00:10:07,666 --> 00:10:09,666
like a crime scene by the time
we were through with it.
285
00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:11,017
- Ew, what? What'd you do?
286
00:10:11,094 --> 00:10:12,259
- Adult stuff,
don't worry about it.
287
00:10:12,337 --> 00:10:13,945
[grunts] You guys don't mind
if I knock out
288
00:10:14,022 --> 00:10:15,672
a couple push-ups
right here, do you?
289
00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:17,507
Never know who you're gonna
be lifting up later.
290
00:10:17,525 --> 00:10:19,266
This guy gets it.
291
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:22,937
[straining] Two, three.
292
00:10:23,014 --> 00:10:25,014
[laughs] It's so easy.
293
00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:27,033
Barb, hop on my back
like we did in the old days.
294
00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:28,685
- No, I'm fine right
where I'm at, thank you.
295
00:10:28,687 --> 00:10:30,444
- Suit yourself.
- Yeah, you know what, big guy?
296
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:32,613
I'm actually feeling
pretty push-uppy myself.
297
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:33,690
- Hop on up, Seabiscuit.
298
00:10:33,708 --> 00:10:34,990
- [indistinct]
299
00:10:34,992 --> 00:10:36,359
[clapping]
300
00:10:36,378 --> 00:10:37,710
- Uh!
301
00:10:37,863 --> 00:10:39,453
- Nice form.
302
00:10:39,531 --> 00:10:40,788
Psych.
303
00:10:40,866 --> 00:10:41,881
- Good.
- Ugh!
304
00:10:42,033 --> 00:10:42,974
I'm moving to modified.
305
00:10:43,051 --> 00:10:45,368
- Barb, I'm gonna
go shower off--
306
00:10:45,387 --> 00:10:46,144
nude.
307
00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:47,628
Wanna join?
- No.
308
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,389
Clearly, I have moved on,
Bert, okay?
309
00:10:49,541 --> 00:10:51,391
- All right, well, penthouse
suite if you change your mind.
310
00:10:51,543 --> 00:10:52,633
Bring the rest
of that sandwich.
311
00:10:52,711 --> 00:10:54,544
Water's warm.
- Uh, she's a little busy
312
00:10:54,562 --> 00:10:57,213
being a real estate tycoon,
Bert!
313
00:10:57,232 --> 00:11:00,066
And actually, she's busy
having sex with my cousin!
314
00:11:00,143 --> 00:11:02,661
- Ah, I'm gonna
sleep well tonight.
315
00:11:02,812 --> 00:11:05,997
- Things did not go great
for Shrub back there.
316
00:11:06,074 --> 00:11:07,499
Or Barb.
317
00:11:07,650 --> 00:11:09,225
Or really me,
because I don't even know
318
00:11:09,227 --> 00:11:11,836
if I broke my PR
for underwater breath-holding.
319
00:11:11,988 --> 00:11:15,156
[sighs] But Barb's gonna turn
it around at the presentation.
320
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,509
She's totally gonna
bring it home for Flatch.
321
00:11:17,585 --> 00:11:19,511
Barb?
322
00:11:19,587 --> 00:11:21,388
Barb!
323
00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:35,768
- Something is going on
with those two.
324
00:11:35,921 --> 00:11:38,846
And I'm not stopping
until I figure out what it is.
325
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,366
- Joe, just do it.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
326
00:11:41,517 --> 00:11:42,850
- Shut up.
327
00:11:42,928 --> 00:11:44,369
Enough is enough.
You are killing me.
328
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,353
Just stick the needle in me.
Do it now.
329
00:11:46,431 --> 00:11:48,598
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
330
00:11:48,733 --> 00:11:50,616
- Drugs.
331
00:11:50,693 --> 00:11:52,618
Looking back,
all the signs were there.
332
00:11:52,695 --> 00:11:55,880
I mean, no sober person would
dress the way Cheryl does.
333
00:11:56,032 --> 00:12:00,443
It's just so much darker
than I imagined.
334
00:12:00,462 --> 00:12:01,720
I have to act fast
335
00:12:01,871 --> 00:12:04,723
before they turn Cheryl's
sad life into a podcast.
336
00:12:04,799 --> 00:12:06,449
- So we have a bit
of a situation on our hands.
337
00:12:06,451 --> 00:12:10,119
Barb is wasted, and her
presentation starts pretty--
338
00:12:10,121 --> 00:12:11,454
right now.
339
00:12:11,473 --> 00:12:14,065
Okay, uh, so we're gonna
sober her up, obviously.
340
00:12:14,217 --> 00:12:16,960
Unfortunately, we ate most of
what the minibar has to offer,
341
00:12:16,962 --> 00:12:18,052
but we are using
what we have left.
342
00:12:18,221 --> 00:12:19,887
- Dude, it's not working!
It's not working.
343
00:12:19,965 --> 00:12:21,055
- Um--
- Come on.
344
00:12:21,149 --> 00:12:23,224
- Baby bird it. Baby bird it.
- Okay, okay.
345
00:12:23,301 --> 00:12:25,318
Okay, Barb, I'm about
to baby bird you a cracker.
346
00:12:25,394 --> 00:12:28,079
Can I have your permission?
- Great, great, great.
347
00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:29,973
Get it in. Get it in.
Get it in. Get it in.
348
00:12:29,991 --> 00:12:31,641
- [muffled]
Oh, it's not working!
349
00:12:31,643 --> 00:12:32,809
- Give me it! Give me it!
350
00:12:32,827 --> 00:12:34,160
- I'm gonna tickle her.
You spit it in.
351
00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:35,812
Tickle. Tickle, tickle.
[giggling]
352
00:12:35,814 --> 00:12:37,738
[high-pitched voice] Come here,
come here, oh, my God.
353
00:12:37,816 --> 00:12:38,982
[normal voice]
Oh, my God!
354
00:12:39,075 --> 00:12:41,150
- Barb, come on, okay?
The pitches have started.
355
00:12:41,152 --> 00:12:43,077
You can do this.
You're a real estate maven.
356
00:12:43,154 --> 00:12:44,988
You got it.
- [slurred] Bert was right.
357
00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:47,490
I'm never gonna make it
in Flatch. I suck.
358
00:12:47,492 --> 00:12:49,100
- No, you do not suck, dude.
- Yeah.
359
00:12:49,252 --> 00:12:50,769
- You are literally the coolest
person I've ever met
360
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,253
and the best kisser, truly.
361
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,922
- Bert didn't think so.
I mean, he basically left me
362
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,517
in a dumpster for dead, so...
363
00:12:57,593 --> 00:12:59,093
- That's horrific.
364
00:12:59,170 --> 00:13:00,278
- This isn't about Bert, okay?
365
00:13:00,596 --> 00:13:03,506
This is about you being a boss
bitch and selling Flatch.
366
00:13:03,525 --> 00:13:05,099
You told me this pitch was
gonna really change stuff
367
00:13:05,176 --> 00:13:07,176
for us, and, like,
I really wanted that.
368
00:13:07,195 --> 00:13:10,346
- I'm sorry, Kelly.
I can't do it.
369
00:13:10,348 --> 00:13:12,031
I can't.
370
00:13:12,108 --> 00:13:14,918
- Well, I'm not gonna
let Bert ruin it for me too.
371
00:13:15,945 --> 00:13:17,854
[door opens]
- Where's she going?
372
00:13:17,856 --> 00:13:19,446
- I don't know.
373
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,115
- Oh, she's back.
374
00:13:21,209 --> 00:13:23,709
Looks good on her.
- I'm doing the pitch,
375
00:13:23,786 --> 00:13:26,712
for you, for me,
376
00:13:26,865 --> 00:13:28,681
and for Flatch.
377
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,368
Sorry, that felt
kind of dramatic,
378
00:13:32,370 --> 00:13:33,478
but it just felt
like a cool moment.
379
00:13:33,629 --> 00:13:34,871
- No, dude, that was cool,
380
00:13:34,873 --> 00:13:36,055
the coolest thing
I've ever seen.
381
00:13:36,132 --> 00:13:37,540
- I appreciate you now
and always--
382
00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:38,891
- Yeah--
- Kelly...
383
00:13:39,044 --> 00:13:40,819
- Yes?
384
00:13:40,895 --> 00:13:43,729
- I want you to take Stacy,
385
00:13:43,882 --> 00:13:45,139
my success wig.
386
00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:46,825
- [chuckles in amazement]
- Are you frickin' serious?
387
00:13:46,976 --> 00:13:49,160
- As a heart attack.
You got this.
388
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,147
- Literally never lets
anyone do that, not even me.
389
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,166
- You can do this.
390
00:13:55,243 --> 00:13:56,909
Yeah, perfect.
Go get 'em.
391
00:13:56,986 --> 00:13:58,670
- Go.
- It looks great.
392
00:13:58,746 --> 00:14:00,154
- It does.
- Go get 'em.
393
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,581
- Go, Kel, go!
394
00:14:01,733 --> 00:14:03,583
[door closes]
Oh.
395
00:14:03,659 --> 00:14:06,636
[muffled music playing]
396
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:13,426
- All right, Mallet,
you got this.
397
00:14:13,578 --> 00:14:15,745
- And that's a wrap!
398
00:14:15,747 --> 00:14:17,188
Thank you so much, everyone!
399
00:14:17,340 --> 00:14:20,525
[applause
and indistinct speech]
400
00:14:20,676 --> 00:14:22,676
Be sure to meet us
at the hotel bar...
401
00:14:22,754 --> 00:14:24,253
- Bar's this way.
402
00:14:24,314 --> 00:14:25,179
- No.
403
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,090
- See you out there!
404
00:14:27,092 --> 00:14:29,609
- Uh, have you heard
of a town called Flatch?
405
00:14:29,761 --> 00:14:31,327
Oh. Sorry.
406
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,622
[bleep]
407
00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:41,028
- Oh, my God!
408
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,623
Come quick.
Something's wrong with June.
409
00:14:43,775 --> 00:14:45,300
- Oh.
- Oh.
410
00:14:46,945 --> 00:14:49,462
- [gasps] Oh, my God, June!
411
00:14:49,538 --> 00:14:50,597
- [cries out]
412
00:14:51,966 --> 00:14:52,798
No pulse.
413
00:14:52,951 --> 00:14:53,725
- Get out of the way.
414
00:14:53,876 --> 00:14:55,042
I know CPR, I think.
415
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,043
- Okay, well, it's too late.
All right?
416
00:14:56,121 --> 00:14:58,638
She's dead.
- Oh, my God!
417
00:14:58,790 --> 00:14:59,972
- Cause of death:
418
00:15:00,049 --> 00:15:02,308
a drug overdose!
419
00:15:02,460 --> 00:15:03,476
- Wha--
420
00:15:03,628 --> 00:15:06,629
- And...scene.
421
00:15:06,722 --> 00:15:08,031
- [grunts]
422
00:15:09,725 --> 00:15:12,226
Addiction, bad.
Drugs, bad.
423
00:15:12,303 --> 00:15:13,970
Are you scared yet?
424
00:15:13,988 --> 00:15:15,580
It's time to get
scared straight!
425
00:15:15,731 --> 00:15:17,031
- What is happening right now?
426
00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:18,141
- June's not dead.
427
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:21,661
- What I saw today
was very concerning.
428
00:15:21,813 --> 00:15:23,254
So I had to do something.
429
00:15:23,331 --> 00:15:25,815
See something, say something.
430
00:15:25,817 --> 00:15:26,983
Hashtag, be a hero.
431
00:15:27,001 --> 00:15:28,651
- Hey.
What are you talking about?
432
00:15:28,653 --> 00:15:30,486
- There were needles
in the communal needle box,
433
00:15:30,488 --> 00:15:32,096
which has been empty for,
like, ten years.
434
00:15:32,248 --> 00:15:34,323
- Wait, you were going
through the needle box?
435
00:15:34,325 --> 00:15:36,250
Is that even legal?
- Cheryl, hey, look at me.
436
00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:37,827
Look, can you see me right now?
437
00:15:37,845 --> 00:15:39,270
When did the drug abuse start?
438
00:15:39,347 --> 00:15:41,940
Was it the day you wore that
horrifying purple nap dress,
439
00:15:42,091 --> 00:15:43,441
or--oh, my God,
it was when you decided
440
00:15:43,592 --> 00:15:44,943
to cut your own bangs,
wasn't it?
441
00:15:45,019 --> 00:15:46,852
- It's okay to ask for help.
442
00:15:47,005 --> 00:15:49,781
I was addicted to energy drinks
back in the day.
443
00:15:49,890 --> 00:15:52,099
- Oh.
- And also LSD.
444
00:15:52,177 --> 00:15:53,901
But it was the '60s
445
00:15:53,936 --> 00:15:55,436
through the '80s.
- Okay.
446
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,013
- Yeah, I'm not
doing any drugs,
447
00:15:57,015 --> 00:16:00,349
well, at least not
any of the fun ones.
448
00:16:00,351 --> 00:16:01,275
[groans]
449
00:16:01,352 --> 00:16:03,444
I'm freezing my eggs!
450
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,205
[chuckles awkwardly]
Yeah, the injections are to get
451
00:16:06,357 --> 00:16:08,800
as many eggs as possible
before the procedure.
452
00:16:08,951 --> 00:16:10,802
- So you are having a baby.
453
00:16:10,953 --> 00:16:12,286
- No, no.
- Not yet.
454
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,620
- Wait, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.
455
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,199
Back up, back up, back up.
You-you've been sober
456
00:16:16,201 --> 00:16:17,458
while you're getting
dressed every day?
457
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,460
- The point has been made,
Nadine.
458
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,294
- I can't--
459
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,479
I feel like I'm on drugs.
460
00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:23,272
Honestly.
461
00:16:23,875 --> 00:16:25,132
- Here you go.
462
00:16:25,376 --> 00:16:27,893
I got this from the sink,
but the Cincinnati tap water's,
463
00:16:28,046 --> 00:16:30,279
like, super good, so I think
you're gonna love it.
464
00:16:31,216 --> 00:16:32,806
- Thank you.
- Of course.
465
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,141
You are my queen.
466
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,219
- About that,
I think we should talk.
467
00:16:36,237 --> 00:16:38,237
- Oh, sorry, yeah,
I was just trying "queen" out
468
00:16:38,314 --> 00:16:39,480
to see if it worked,
but I agree.
469
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,814
- No, no, no.
- It doesn't work when I sa--
470
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,742
- I don't mean about that.
471
00:16:42,744 --> 00:16:45,745
- Oh.
- I--I mean about us.
472
00:16:45,897 --> 00:16:48,231
I think we should talk
about us.
473
00:16:48,324 --> 00:16:49,656
- Okay.
474
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:53,252
- I think we can both see
that I'm not over Bert.
475
00:16:53,329 --> 00:16:54,754
I mean, I thought I was,
476
00:16:54,906 --> 00:16:57,140
but I'm having
a really hard time.
477
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:00,167
- Yeah, I--I feel that.
478
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,411
Um, real quick,
if this is about the push-ups,
479
00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:04,355
like, the floor was really wet.
480
00:17:04,507 --> 00:17:06,024
- It was not
about the push-ups.
481
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,859
Shrub, you didn't
do anything wrong.
482
00:17:07,935 --> 00:17:10,102
I need time to process this.
483
00:17:10,255 --> 00:17:11,604
I need to Barb out.
484
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:12,938
- Oh.
485
00:17:13,015 --> 00:17:14,323
- Alone.
486
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,276
- So are--
487
00:17:17,353 --> 00:17:20,204
are we...breaking up?
488
00:17:21,766 --> 00:17:24,042
- Yeah.
- Okay.
489
00:17:24,269 --> 00:17:26,127
- I'm so sorry.
490
00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:30,122
- Well, should we have
breakup sex?
491
00:17:30,275 --> 00:17:32,441
It's just we--we've done it,
like, 11 full times.
492
00:17:32,443 --> 00:17:33,442
I just like if we got to, like,
493
00:17:33,461 --> 00:17:34,794
an even dozen, it might be--
- No.
494
00:17:34,870 --> 00:17:36,763
Mm--mm, no.
- Okay.
495
00:17:38,299 --> 00:17:39,782
- [sighs]
496
00:17:39,875 --> 00:17:41,375
You know, you win some,
you lose some.
497
00:17:41,452 --> 00:17:43,061
But this conference
is every year,
498
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:47,398
so that's 365 days to make
another slammin' pitch--
499
00:17:47,550 --> 00:17:49,550
Stan? Stan.
500
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,235
Stan, it's Kelly
from yesterday in a wig.
501
00:17:51,462 --> 00:17:53,963
- Ah, hey, Kelly. How's
the conference treating ya?
502
00:17:53,965 --> 00:17:55,073
- Okay, no time for small talk.
503
00:17:55,224 --> 00:17:57,133
I would love to tell you
about Flatch.
504
00:17:57,151 --> 00:17:58,467
We were actually
supposed to be
505
00:17:58,486 --> 00:17:59,635
on the In the Horizon thing--
506
00:17:59,654 --> 00:18:01,412
- N-no, no, Kelly,
I'm done for the day.
507
00:18:01,489 --> 00:18:03,331
- Uh...
508
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,400
Mmm.
- You following me?
509
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,476
[elevator dings]
510
00:18:07,478 --> 00:18:08,569
- Just give me a chance.
511
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,404
- All right, fine, Kelly,
elevator pitch.
512
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,738
Hit me.
513
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,049
- Elevator.
514
00:18:14,652 --> 00:18:15,968
Okay.
515
00:18:16,838 --> 00:18:17,987
Sometimes I'm at home and I go,
516
00:18:17,989 --> 00:18:19,246
I can't stop thinking
about elevators.
517
00:18:19,324 --> 00:18:20,673
What a cute little square box
518
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,341
that you're just
hopping around in.
519
00:18:22,493 --> 00:18:24,435
We do not have any
in Flatch right now,
520
00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:27,254
but we could get some
if y--or no.
521
00:18:27,332 --> 00:18:29,332
We don't need it because butter
doesn't even need to rise,
522
00:18:29,350 --> 00:18:31,943
'cause heat rises.
- I meant why should I build
523
00:18:32,019 --> 00:18:34,278
in Flatch?
524
00:18:34,430 --> 00:18:36,172
- Okay, so Flatch is literally
525
00:18:36,174 --> 00:18:37,931
the greatest place
on the entire Earth.
526
00:18:38,009 --> 00:18:40,009
Okay? And I'm not just saying
that 'cause I'm talking to you.
527
00:18:40,027 --> 00:18:41,861
But I've lived there
my entire life,
528
00:18:41,937 --> 00:18:43,346
and I hate leaving.
529
00:18:43,364 --> 00:18:45,623
I hate going out of town
because it has everything
530
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:47,291
you could ever want.
531
00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:48,793
Like, we just got
a soda machine
532
00:18:48,870 --> 00:18:49,869
where you can just
press a button
533
00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:51,278
and have any drink
that you want.
534
00:18:51,356 --> 00:18:52,613
Like, you could just be like,
oh, I'll have
535
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:53,798
half Sprite, half root beer.
536
00:18:53,875 --> 00:18:55,374
And no one says no.
537
00:18:55,526 --> 00:18:57,376
Um, we're also perfect distance
538
00:18:57,528 --> 00:18:59,470
between Indianapolis
and Pittsburgh,
539
00:18:59,697 --> 00:19:03,382
so people love to stop
for a pee or for snacks.
540
00:19:03,459 --> 00:19:05,368
Oh, my God.
I should have led with this.
541
00:19:05,386 --> 00:19:06,552
I should have led with this.
542
00:19:06,629 --> 00:19:09,205
Everyone in Flatch
loves butter--
543
00:19:09,223 --> 00:19:10,297
so frickin' much.
544
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:11,724
The doctor goes,
"No more butter,"
545
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,876
and they just still eat it.
546
00:19:13,895 --> 00:19:16,712
So you butter believe
in Flatch.
547
00:19:16,731 --> 00:19:17,804
[breathing heavily]
548
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,140
Um, I just made
that last tag up,
549
00:19:20,234 --> 00:19:23,202
and a little bit of some
of the stuff earlier, but...
550
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:25,888
- All right, Kelly.
551
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:28,741
Flatch just made my short list.
552
00:19:28,893 --> 00:19:31,060
- Really?
- Really.
553
00:19:31,062 --> 00:19:33,171
Now don't follow me
into the bar.
554
00:19:34,232 --> 00:19:38,342
Oh--
[laughing]
555
00:19:38,419 --> 00:19:40,327
Okay.
556
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,828
I really wanna go
in the bar too,
557
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:44,831
but I don't know, like, what's
a n-normal amount of time
558
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,059
to wait before it's not weird?
559
00:19:48,596 --> 00:19:49,912
[choked up laugh]
560
00:19:49,914 --> 00:19:52,732
I'm so proud of myself.
561
00:19:56,437 --> 00:19:57,695
- Since the cat's
out of the bag
562
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,697
about my egg freezing,
Nadine has volunteered
563
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,106
to give me injections.
564
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,927
Well, less volunteered,
more insisted.
565
00:20:04,929 --> 00:20:06,520
She was really into it.
566
00:20:06,597 --> 00:20:10,433
She also gave me a bunch
of her old outfits.
567
00:20:10,435 --> 00:20:12,043
Which I fully understand
has nothing
568
00:20:12,194 --> 00:20:13,711
to do with the baby thing.
569
00:20:13,862 --> 00:20:15,938
- I mean, so basically now
Stan and I are best buds,
570
00:20:15,940 --> 00:20:18,365
and he's gonna, like, build
a butter empire in our backyard
571
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,033
if we play our cards right,
I mean--
572
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:22,035
- That's awesome, Kel.
573
00:20:22,113 --> 00:20:23,537
- Why are you sad
about my awesome news?
574
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,463
W-what's going on?
575
00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:28,226
- Barb and I, like, broke up.
576
00:20:29,470 --> 00:20:31,562
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, it's a bummer.
577
00:20:31,714 --> 00:20:33,956
I was actually starting
to feel things for her.
578
00:20:33,958 --> 00:20:35,882
- Mm-hmm.
- And not, like, sex things,
579
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,127
but, like, real things.
580
00:20:38,145 --> 00:20:40,646
Even though the sex things
were also very incredible.
581
00:20:40,798 --> 00:20:41,797
- Of course. Of course.
582
00:20:41,799 --> 00:20:43,983
Hey, I'm really,
really sorry, dude.
583
00:20:44,059 --> 00:20:45,150
I mean it.
584
00:20:45,303 --> 00:20:46,893
For what it's worth,
585
00:20:46,971 --> 00:20:49,563
I do think it's probably
for the best.
586
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:54,067
- ♪ I've got the eye
of the tiger, a fighter ♪
587
00:20:54,145 --> 00:20:56,145
♪ Dancing through the fire ♪
588
00:20:56,163 --> 00:20:59,257
♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪
589
00:20:59,408 --> 00:21:00,907
Sing!
Why aren't you singing?
590
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:04,653
♪ And you're gonna
hear me roar ♪
591
00:21:04,714 --> 00:21:06,655
- Barb still has a lot
of stuff to work through.
592
00:21:06,674 --> 00:21:07,840
- Yeah.
593
00:21:07,992 --> 00:21:09,934
- Know what might help?
594
00:21:10,011 --> 00:21:11,310
- What?
595
00:21:13,998 --> 00:21:15,106
- Charged it all
to Bert's room.
596
00:21:15,257 --> 00:21:17,833
- Uh, penthouse suite,
last name Feliciano.
597
00:21:17,835 --> 00:21:19,001
[both laugh]
598
00:21:19,020 --> 00:21:20,111
Got him.
599
00:21:20,262 --> 00:21:22,171
- Best weekend ever.
600
00:21:22,189 --> 00:21:24,115
- Also, I totally won
the push-up contest.
601
00:21:24,191 --> 00:21:26,266
- A hundred percent, dude.
- Yeah.
602
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,344
- No.
603
00:21:28,346 --> 00:21:29,345
- Five-second rule.
604
00:21:29,347 --> 00:21:30,863
- Put it on. Put it on.
Put it on.
605
00:21:31,015 --> 00:21:34,041
- Ah, that was almost very bad.