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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[funky intro playing]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[cheering and applause]
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[Jerry] What is the idea
of the buffet?
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Well, things are bad.
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How could we make it worse?
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[laughter]
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Why don't we put people that
already struggling with portion control…
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[laughter]
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into some kind of debauched,
Caligula food orgy
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of unlimited human consumption?
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[laughter, applause]
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Let's make the entrance
a chocolate syrup water park slide.
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[laughter]
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The buffet is like
taking your dog to Petco
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and letting your dog do the shopping.
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You give him your wallet
in the parking lot
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and go, "Why don't you go in,
get whatever you think
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is the right amount of dog food for you?
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Use your dog judgment.
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I'm gonna wait in the car.
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Leave the window open a crack
so I can breathe."
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People do not do well
in an unsupervised eating environment.
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[laughter]
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Nobody would walk into a restaurant
and say,
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"I'll have a yogurt parfait, spare rib,
meat pie, crab leg, four cookies,
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and an egg white omelet."
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People are building death-row,
last-meal wish lists on these plates.
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It's like a perfect working model
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of all their emotional problems
and personal difficulties.
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They just walk around,
kind of hold it out.
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"This is what I'm dealing with.
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It's a salad
with a scoop of ice cream on it.
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I've got some unresolved issues
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I'm trying to work out
here at the buffet."
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[laughter]
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Start accosting strangers.
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"Excuse me, where did you get that?
What is that? I didn't even see that.
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Is that a caramelized chicken leg?
I gotta try that. Gimme yours.
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You know where they are.
You can get more." Come on!
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[laughter]
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Twenty-two-year-old prayers,
42-year-old prayers completely different.
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Twenty-two-year-old prayers be like…
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"Lord…
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please don't let me catch
any venereal diseases.
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Thank God for this sweater."
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[laughter]
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Forty-two-year-old prayers be like…
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"Lord…
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why am I so tired?
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[laughter]
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I'm taking the vitamins
like you said, Jesus.
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[laughter]
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Lord,
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please don't let him catch
any of my venereal diseases.
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[laughter]
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And, Lord, please don't let me
have to shit right after, Father.
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It is just--
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It's not sexy, Lord!"
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[laughter]
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I was on Facebook this week.
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Just making sure
my family's still racist, and…
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That's a joke. I don't have to check. And…
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[laughter]
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I saw that a girl I went to high school
with just got back from her honeymoon.
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And she posted that she's going to be
taking a break from social media.
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Have you guys seen people do this?
Yeah, these, like, heroes of the internet?
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Their big announcement,
just, "Hear ye, hear ye!
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I will be taking a break
from social media.
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#Brave."
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It's like, "Dude, nobody wanted to see
a picture of your sandwich on Wednesday.
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No one's going to miss it on Friday.
All right?
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Also, why are you posting
about the fact you'll stop posting soon?
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That's like toasting the fact
you'll quit drinking.
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You're not off to a great start,
sweetheart.
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[laughter]
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This girl made a whole video
for Instagram, Facebook, all of 'em.
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She's like, "Hey, guys, as you probably
heard, I just got married. [giggles]
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And I'll be taking a little bit of a break
from social media
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just to focus
on my new wifely duties."
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[laughter]
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Wifely duty.
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I'm like, you can't blow your husband
and share cat videos?
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[laughter]
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You have two hands. Multitask. Like…
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Get an apron.
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[laughter]
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I thought that was weird, so I played it
backwards. Sure enough, she's like,
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"I've made a huge mistake.
Come pick me up. He's so boring!"
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We're like, "Yeah, we know. We met him."
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He's the type of guy you get halfway home
from the theme park
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before you're like,
"Oh shit, where's Doug?
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Oh no, we have to go back.
My wallet's in his fanny pack, so…"
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Oh, do not feel bad for Doug.
He's terrible.
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Every time he tells a story,
somewhere a child loses a balloon.
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[laughter]
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You ever meet somebody,
and they're so boring,
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you feel like they poisoned you?
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Like, you're talking to them,
and you're like,
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"I feel like I'm dying right now,
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and I think you did it."
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This guy's name is Craig.
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I met him--
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I made sure to get it.
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I was, "I'm gonna remember you
for the rest of my life, man."
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He--I met him at the bank.
Is he a bank teller? No.
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Is he a security guard? Nope.
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What's his job?
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I don't know. Whatever they call
that guy that stands in the lobby…
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of banks now, where you walk in,
and you’re like, “Do you work here?”
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And he’s like, “I think so.” That guy.
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The lobby liaison.
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Well, I saw him. We made eye contact.
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I don’t know how you work.
For me, if we make eye contact,
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during the day, not at night,
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but during the day…
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[laughter]
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out of human decency, I acknowledge you.
So that’s what I did.
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We made eye contact, and I go,
"How you doing?" And he went…
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And I was like, "Okay, so…"
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Then I get
to the second set of doors to walk in.
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And as I reach for that door,
I hear, "You going to the bank?"
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[laughter]
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I go, "Is this still a bank?"
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He goes, "Yeah." I go, "I’d like to."
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And he goes, "Go for it."
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And I was like…
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"Okay. Thanks."
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And then I reach back, and he goes,
"I’m going to Virginia next week."
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"Are you telling me that?"
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He goes, "You said,
'How you doing?' when you got here.
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I had to think about it.
That's what I'm doing."
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I go, "That’s the craziest shit
I’ve ever heard anybody say,
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and also not how that question works,
but all right."
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And now I reach back, and he goes,
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"Yeah, my sister lives there,"
and I’m like…
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[laughter]
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"How long's she lived there?"
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Now I’m roped in.
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He goes, "Fifteen years."
And I go, "You’ve never been?"
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And he goes, "Uh-uh."
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Now I’m starting to look at him like,
"Hey, man, do you drive to work, or…
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does somebody drop you off?
You know what I mean?"
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[laughter]
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I think he…
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[laughter]
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Yeah.
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I think he could see it in my face,
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because,
out of nowhere, he goes, "I drive."
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I was like,
"That’s cool, man. That’s cool.
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I drive, too. That’s crazy. Uh…
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I gotta get in here."
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He goes, "Yeah, we’re gonna check out DC
and see some monuments."
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I go, "I'd love to hear about it,
but I have to make a deposit."
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He goes, "I’ll be here when you walk out."
I go, "You motherfucker."
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Fuck that guy.
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And fuck everybody like him.
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If you have the audacity to tell people
how you’re doing when they say,
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"How you doing," that shit is rude
and selfish, all right?
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I’m serious.
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There are two acceptable answers
to how you doing: Fine and great.
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And if you’re miserable, you say, "Fine."
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You don’t burden people
with your real-world problems
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during a courteous exchange. Yeah.
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[laughter, applause]
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This is the world that we live in, though.
We have to care about everyone’s feelings,
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everyone’s tolerances,
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everyone’s intolerances,
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everyone’s dietary requirements.
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I’ll tell you where it’s gone too far,
and I have to be the person to say this.
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For the love of God… [breathes heavily]
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we have got enough milks now.
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[laughter]
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Would everyone stop milking shit?!
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[laughter]
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I went to buy coffee recently.
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I have very straightforward coffee tastes.
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It should have been
a very straightforward transaction.
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It was anything but.
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I went in there. I was like,
"Hello, I’d like a white coffee, please."
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"Okay sir, what kind of milk
would you like with your coffee?
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We’ve got a coconut milk,
an almond nut milk,
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a hazelnut milk, a cashew nut milk,
a macadamia nut milk,
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we got an oat milk, rice milk,
hemp milk, soy milk.
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You can have it
from a bean, a pulse, a nut, a grain,
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an oat, a flax, a leaf, a seed, a tree."
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[laughter, applause]
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"I’d like it from a nipple, please.
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I don’t care what type of nipple.
Preferably a cow’s, but I’m not fussy.
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I’ll take it
from whatever nipple I can get."
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She looked at me
like I had requested it from hers!
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Like I was the weirdo. I’m not the weirdo!
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You’re the one in the back of the shop
with your little friends,
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milking fucking cashew nuts.
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You’re the freaks, not me!
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I do not, for one moment, doubt
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that lactose intolerance is a very grave
and pressing issue for humanity.
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But lest I remind you,
we currently don’t have a cure for cancer,
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and there are 12 readily-available
milk substitutes on the market
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which, I would argue,
is 11 more than we need!
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[laughter, applause]
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Yes, honey. You are somebody else's type.
You don't even know that.
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Like, I realized way too late in life
that I am an achievable Beyoncé
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for government workers.
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[laughter, applause]
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00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:14,984
Oh my God. Are you serious?
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Anything like old Black government workers
named Lawrence, Dennis, Curtis, Otis,
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anything in an '-is,' they love me!
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-[laughter]
-[whoops]
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00:12:25,786 --> 00:12:29,415
I can't go to a Veterans Day parade.
My booty ain't safe.
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00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:32,042
She is not safe.
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They lookin' at me like they want me
to motorboat the PTSD off their face,
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00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,966
and I'll do it 'cause I'm a patriot.
Thank you so much.
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00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:42,344
Oh! Thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for your service.
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00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:44,138
Thank you so much.
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I don't know about you, but I can make
a government worker work a holiday.
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That's power, bitch.
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00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:50,770
[laughter, applause]
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What you do?
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I'm just saying, you wanna go to the post
office with me in December, okay?
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I’m at home.
The phone rings. It’s a school nurse.
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She goes, "I have Ila in the office.
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Is there a parent at home?"
I was like, "I’ll do."
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00:13:12,374 --> 00:13:13,959
[laughter]
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00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:18,464
Gives the phone to Ila. Her first words,
"I tried to stop it, Dad."
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00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,344
I go, "Stop what?"
228
00:13:23,427 --> 00:13:25,304
She goes, "I got my period."
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00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:28,808
I’m like, "What do you need from me?
New pants, new panties, new socks?
230
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Did it get in your socks?
231
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A bucket, some towels, garlic?
We gotta keep the vampires away from you."
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She’s like, "Dad, I’m fine.
Mom gave me a go bag."
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I go, "Okay then.
What're you calling me for?"
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00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:46,408
She goes, "I need you to go to the store
and get supplies."
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00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:48,577
I’m like, "How bad is this period?"
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00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:53,249
She’s like, "No, Dad. I’m throwing myself
a period party tonight."
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I’m like, "I’m sorry,
what did you just say?"
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She’s like, "All the girls are doing it.
239
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:01,090
I need you to go to the store
and get supplies.
240
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,133
Get a red velvet cake." I'm like…
241
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,929
[retches]
242
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:14,478
I go, "Baby, I don’t think
I can eat a red velvet cake…
243
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,064
knowing what it symbolizes."
244
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,484
She’s like, "Dad, you need
a red velvet cake for a period party
245
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:23,654
'cause you put the name of your period
on the cake." I’m like…
246
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,324
"Who names their period?"
247
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:31,912
She’s like, "Georgia named hers after
the girl from Progressive auto insurance."
248
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:33,998
[laughter]
249
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:40,504
She’s like, "Please, I need you right now.
I have ten people coming tonight."
250
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:43,465
I go, "We have ten little girls
coming to the house?"
251
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,509
She goes, "No, eight girls, two boys."
252
00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:50,514
I’m like,
"Who invites boys to a period party?"
253
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:53,893
And I hear her sinister little giggle
on the phone,
254
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:56,395
and she goes, "Dad, that’s the fun of it.
255
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,607
We don’t tell them why they’re there."
256
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:00,983
[laughter]
257
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:03,319
Now I’m like, "Fuck it. I’m in."
258
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:08,949
I have never had more fun
at a party in my entire life.
259
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,620
Planning, hosting,
and attending a period party.
260
00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:15,789
I dressed all in red,
like it was Chinese New Year’s.
261
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:21,045
Drinking Pinot noir.
I made pasta with chunky marinara sauce.
262
00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,339
[laughter]
263
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:27,509
And I giggled the whole night
with all these little girls
264
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:31,221
at these two boys, Max and Carter,
right? Faces covered in red cake,
265
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:35,893
like it’s their honeymoon, and they’re
like, "Fuck it. I’ll eat it anyway."
266
00:15:35,976 --> 00:15:37,102
[laughter]
267
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:39,104
The whole party,
268
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:42,858
these two boys are looking at the cake,
going, "Who the hell’s Jason?"
269
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,778
My daughter, Ila Kreischer…
270
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,988
named her period Jason
271
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,367
because she got it on Friday the 13th.
272
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,452
[cheering, applause]
273
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,625
For 30 years,
I've been going up as Jo Koy.
274
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:01,835
And then, when this last special came out…
275
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:05,297
I had to do press,
and they kept interviewing me.
276
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:08,008
And every reporter
kept landing on the same question.
277
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,802
"Why do you go by Jo Koy?"
278
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,054
I was like, "I don't have an answer."
279
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:13,472
[laughter]
280
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,101
I go, "That's just what Filipinos do.
281
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:20,729
They name you one thing,
and then fucking call you something else."
282
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,733
And this is a very true story,
283
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:28,570
'cause I just found this out, you guys.
This happened about four months ago.
284
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,907
I went to Vegas,
and I took my Auntie Evelyn out to eat.
285
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,827
And I just looked at her,
and I go, "Look, Auntie Evelyn,
286
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:38,747
a lot of reporters are asking me
where I got my nickname,
287
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,541
and I don't have a story.
288
00:16:40,624 --> 00:16:42,251
So can you just tell me a story?
289
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,170
Why you came up
with the nickname Jo Koy?"
290
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,089
She's really old. You gotta understand.
291
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:49,633
And she looked at me
and went like this. She goes…
292
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:52,678
"I don't call you Jo Koy."
293
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:55,347
[laughter]
294
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:03,147
And then I was like,
"Oh my God, she's old.
295
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:08,193
She's--she's losing it. She's losing it."
296
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:13,949
So I felt bad. I went like this. I go,
"Auntie, no, it's-- it's me. It's me.
297
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:17,995
I'm Jo Koy. I'm--I'm Jo Koy.
298
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:22,082
I'm Jo Koy, your favorite--
your favorite nephew.
299
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,543
I'm--I'm Jo Koy."
300
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:30,299
And then she goes,
"I know who you are. I'm not stupid.
301
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,217
[laughter, applause]
302
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:35,637
I'm just telling you
I don't call you Jo Koy."
303
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:40,059
I go, "What're you talking about,
you don't call me Jo Koy? Like…
304
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,144
Are you fucking with me right now? Like…
305
00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:46,148
Are you being serious right now?
Thirty years, I've been going by Jo Koy.
306
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,274
You never said anything."
307
00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:49,443
She's like, "Yeah, I never said anything,
308
00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:52,946
because you keep saying, 'Jo Koy,'
so I just let you say it."
309
00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:57,076
"For 30 years, you let me say, 'Jo Koy,'
but you don't call me Jo Koy?
310
00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:00,996
I could've sworn that day when I was
at the house, you said, 'Jo Koy, eat.'
311
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,415
And I was like,
'Jo Koy, that's my nickname.'
312
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:07,044
Are you serious right now?"
"Yeah, I don't call you Jo Koy."
313
00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:12,257
"Then what do you…
314
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:14,676
Then what do you call me?"
315
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:17,805
It's a true story, you guys.
You ready for this shit?
316
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,598
It's gonna fucking make you cry.
317
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:22,267
I swear I just found this shit out.
318
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,187
I go, "Then what do you call me?"
319
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,106
She goes, "I call you Jo Ko.
320
00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:29,983
That is your nickname, Jo Ko."
321
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,986
And for all of you at home
that don't know what that means,
322
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,280
in Tagalog, ko means my.
323
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:37,866
My nickname is My Jo.
324
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,285
Jo Ko. How fucking sweet is that?
325
00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:47,209
That's so sweet.
326
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:49,878
I had no idea.
327
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,923
I go, "That is the sweetest nickname."
328
00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,717
She goes, "You're the one
that keeps saying fucking Jo Koy.
329
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,636
I don't know who the fuck that is.
330
00:18:57,719 --> 00:19:00,430
Every Netflix special,
'Coming to the stage, Jo Koy.'
331
00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:02,808
I'm like,
'Who the fuck is that? That's Jo Ko!'
332
00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:04,184
That's Jo Ko.'"
333
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,188
Why didn't she tell me this 30 years ago?
334
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,900
All my merchandise, misspelled.
335
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:21,451
'Cause Black people don't pick up shit.
336
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,746
You don't know
the last time you picked up some shit.
337
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,541
Black people don't pick up no shit.
You better hope it rain.
338
00:19:27,624 --> 00:19:30,043
That's the only way
that shit getting off that block.
339
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:33,922
If it don't rain,
the whole neighborhood going to be shitty.
340
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:37,926
White people love to pick up shit.
You motherfuckers love to pick up shit.
341
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,429
White people can't wait to pick up shit.
342
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:43,140
They go shopping for shit bags.
343
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,642
Them blue bags.
They read the box and shit.
344
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:49,062
"Biodegradable. Environmentally-friendly."
345
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,565
They can't wait to--
346
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:54,276
They got the little pouch
to put to put the shit bag.
347
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,737
They got the shit bag fuckin' purse.
348
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,907
They can't wait to rip off a sheet.
349
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:03,035
You probably got some blue sheets
in your pocket right now.
350
00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:06,997
They can't wait to be like:
Fu-fow! Fwow!
351
00:20:08,332 --> 00:20:11,835
You know how much pressure it is,
being walked by a white dog owner?
352
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:15,756
You can't just enjoy your walk.
You got to shit immediately.
353
00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:18,842
It ain't no, "Sit, Bruno."
It's like, "Shit, Bruno!"
354
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:22,930
You know how stressed out that dog is?
He can't--
355
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:26,683
You know that mother like this, "Here come
this motherfucker with these--"
356
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:30,354
'Cause once a dog do this move right here,
ain't no coming back.
357
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:33,106
Ain't no--
A human can't come back from this shit.
358
00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:35,817
Try to fight somebody,
and you gotta shit, it's over.
359
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,818
"I'll kick your--"
360
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:37,861
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
361
00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:42,491
White people have them blue bags.
Fa fa fa, fwow!
362
00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:44,993
Ah!
363
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,871
"Fuckin' yes, Bruno! Fuckin' yes!
364
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,624
Great stool, Bruno!
365
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:52,834
Good job!"
366
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,962
[inhales, shouts]
367
00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:58,757
They put it in their pocket and walk away.
368
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:03,262
Black people don't pick up no shit.
Ever see a Black person walk they dog?
369
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:06,807
The dog starts to shit, they act like
they don't even know the dog no more.
370
00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:10,477
They like, "Oh, nah, you shitting?
Nah. I'm getting out of here.
371
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,397
You gonna get us locked up, motherfucker.
372
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,816
You better do this shit right here.
373
00:21:15,899 --> 00:21:19,736
[laughs] That's the-- You better remember
this shit, motherfucker."
374
00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:24,324
That's the only way
the shit getting off of here.
375
00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:33,875
I don't understand what's going on
with the whole lotion thing with women.
376
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,127
Right? I--
377
00:21:35,210 --> 00:21:39,214
Okay, I've lived
with six girlfriends in my life.
378
00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:43,260
In my in my life,
I've lived with six women,
379
00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:45,470
and all six of them have left me.
380
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:46,805
[laughter]
381
00:21:48,056 --> 00:21:51,643
And sooner or later,
I'm going to blame myself.
382
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:54,688
But not today.
383
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:56,773
[laughter, applause]
384
00:21:59,109 --> 00:21:59,943
Now…
385
00:22:02,612 --> 00:22:05,741
Now, every single woman
I've ever lived with
386
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:07,993
have a nighttime ritual where they--
387
00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:09,786
See, I have a bedtime ritual.
388
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:13,457
What I do is go to the bathroom,
have a piss, brush my teeth, go to bed.
389
00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:18,295
I've recently figured out
that I could do them at the same time.
390
00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:22,382
I have a piss, and I brush me teeth,
and I spit over, like that.
391
00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:25,135
Now, but the thing with women is
392
00:22:25,218 --> 00:22:28,180
you all go into the bathroom
for, like, twenty minutes,
393
00:22:28,805 --> 00:22:30,307
and you close the door,
394
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,642
and then you come out,
395
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:36,355
and the last thing you do is you sort of--
you're rubbing something here,
396
00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:38,690
and then you go like this,
397
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:42,611
and then you get into bed
and tell me what I've done wrong that day.
398
00:22:49,993 --> 00:22:52,579
And that's your little nighttime routine.
399
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:58,752
Now, I don't know
what goes on in that room,
400
00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:01,755
but I assume, I can't be positive,
401
00:23:01,838 --> 00:23:06,968
but I assume you were covering your body,
head to toe, in some type of lotion
402
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:10,347
that you think
is vital for your existence.
403
00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:14,101
Now, I'm 42 years old.
404
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:21,024
Umm…I wear makeup for work.
When I'm on TV, they put makeup on me.
405
00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:24,236
I never even wipe it off. I just fuckin'--
They give me a towelette,
406
00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:26,196
and I go, "Oh, don't worry about it."
407
00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:30,242
It goes away over a week,
and they put it back on, and…
408
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:33,703
Apart from that, I've worn sunscreen.
409
00:23:34,329 --> 00:23:38,667
But I've never put anything else
on my face, nothing else my entire life.
410
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,420
Umm, I'm arguably an alcoholic.
411
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,507
I used to be a heavy smoker.
412
00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:49,010
I've been a cocaine addict.
413
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:54,141
-[whooping]
-[laughter]
414
00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:58,186
And my skin is fuckin' flawless.
415
00:23:58,270 --> 00:24:00,021
[laughter]
416
00:24:08,363 --> 00:24:10,240
I can't stand it
when you cum in my mouth,
417
00:24:10,323 --> 00:24:13,452
and then you stop watching
my Instagram Story the next day.
418
00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:15,078
Why'd you drop off?
419
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:16,538
You watched it before.
420
00:24:17,914 --> 00:24:18,790
What happened?
421
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:22,085
Oh, is there anything more pathetic
422
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:26,131
the next day, when you're trying to wait
for that guy to watch your Story again,
423
00:24:26,214 --> 00:24:28,341
and you post one?
You're like, "Hey, guys."
424
00:24:28,425 --> 00:24:32,345
But you're really being like,
"Hey guy, that I'm waiting to watch this."
425
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:34,389
And you, like,
touch your mouth to remind him
426
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,308
where his dick was hours before.
427
00:24:36,391 --> 00:24:38,018
And you're like, "Oh, hey."
428
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:40,854
And then you're just refreshing,
waiting for him,
429
00:24:40,937 --> 00:24:43,648
and then your dad DM's you,
like, "Killing it, Nick."
430
00:24:43,732 --> 00:24:45,859
And you're just like, "Not now, Dad!
431
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:47,444
God.
432
00:24:47,527 --> 00:24:48,862
[laughter]
433
00:24:49,529 --> 00:24:51,656
He's like,
"What'd you have for breakfast?"
434
00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:54,075
And I'm like,
"Do you really want to know, Dad?
435
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:59,706
An ounce of cum and a half a KIND Bar.
Okay? That is exactly…
436
00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:04,794
A KIND Bar and a mean load, Dad.
437
00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:09,382
What flavor? Mixed nuts. What else, Dad?"
438
00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:11,384
I'm just…
439
00:25:11,885 --> 00:25:15,138
I just want to be a whore, I really do.
I am such a whore,
440
00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:17,849
but outside of a relationship,
I don't feel safe being a whore.
441
00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:20,060
I really don't,
and for a while I was like,
442
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:22,437
"Oh, maybe if I don't have sex
or let them in my puss,
443
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:24,981
I won't get attached.
Maybe if I just blow guys."
444
00:25:25,065 --> 00:25:28,193
So, I was blowing guys,
and that's not safe either, girls.
445
00:25:28,276 --> 00:25:31,571
There's something about their dick.
It's closer to your heart or something.
446
00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:32,781
It's just-- It--
447
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:34,574
[laughter]
448
00:25:34,658 --> 00:25:35,534
I go crazy.
449
00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:42,332
Handjobs. Handjobs are all I have
to get a guy off? No, thank you.
450
00:25:42,415 --> 00:25:45,377
I'm terrible at handjobs.
I'm bad at handjobs and guitar.
451
00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:48,421
I know that about myself.
I have bad rhythm. It's--
452
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:50,840
I wanna be good at guitar so bad.
I've taken so many lessons,
453
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:54,844
and every guitar lesson has gone like
every handjob I've ever given. It has.
454
00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:58,682
I'm in a guy's studio apartment.
He's showing me a strumming pattern.
455
00:25:58,765 --> 00:26:01,685
I feel like I'm doing a good job,
and eventually he's like,
456
00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:03,645
"Let's do it together."
I'm like, "Okay."
457
00:26:03,728 --> 00:26:07,399
And we're doing it together.
I'm like, "All right, we're jammin'."
458
00:26:07,482 --> 00:26:09,109
Then he's like,
"Why don't you watch me?"
459
00:26:09,192 --> 00:26:11,653
I'm like, "I'm out. I don't care.
I'm not good at this.
460
00:26:11,736 --> 00:26:13,905
So I'm gonna wait
for my mom to pick me up."
461
00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:16,908
And then he cums on me.
462
00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:20,453
'Cause that's how I used to pay
for my guitar lessons.
463
00:26:20,537 --> 00:26:23,039
That was before Venmo.
It was a different time.
464
00:26:26,042 --> 00:26:29,546
In the Latino community,
we don't want to live forever.
465
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:33,883
We're not trying to make sure
that everything we eat is good for us.
466
00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:34,968
We know-- Listen…
467
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:38,805
You go to a Mexican restaurant,
you already know
468
00:26:39,514 --> 00:26:41,850
that we cook with fucking manteca.
Look at us.
469
00:26:41,933 --> 00:26:43,602
[laughter]
470
00:26:43,685 --> 00:26:47,272
We fuck obesity up. By the third grade,
we already said goodbye.
471
00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:50,900
"See you later, obesity.
Fuck, I passed you."
472
00:26:52,986 --> 00:26:55,280
And then little Latinos are all fat,
you know.
473
00:26:56,239 --> 00:26:59,868
You try to make 'em feel better.
You’re like, "Mira, mijo, you were--
474
00:26:59,951 --> 00:27:02,704
You were going to be twins.
That’s why you’re, you know.
475
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:06,791
You don’t hear a voice
telling you you’re full? No?
476
00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:12,964
You might listen. Might be your sister
trying to tell you."
477
00:27:13,673 --> 00:27:16,384
Bigger chichis than everybody
in the family at 11.
478
00:27:17,677 --> 00:27:19,346
"Hey, Tetas, come out here."
479
00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:23,642
That’s how you get your nickname.
You shit in your pants one time,
480
00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:25,977
you’re Caca for the rest of your life.
481
00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:29,356
You could be a grown man, fucking Caca.
482
00:27:29,439 --> 00:27:31,650
"Hey, guess who’s getting married."
"Who?"
483
00:27:32,150 --> 00:27:33,109
"Caca." "Fuck!
484
00:27:34,736 --> 00:27:36,321
Caca’s getting married?"
485
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:39,407
"And his wife is pregnant." "Chingado!
486
00:27:40,075 --> 00:27:42,786
They’re gonna have
fuckin' cacitas running around.
487
00:27:45,830 --> 00:27:47,957
Caca’s getting married, huh? Shit.
488
00:27:48,583 --> 00:27:50,210
Fucking Caca. Good for Caca."
489
00:27:51,961 --> 00:27:52,796
We don't know.
490
00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:56,549
Our parents-- Shit. We were raised
by the original body-shamers.
491
00:27:56,633 --> 00:27:58,760
They didn’t give a fuck what age you were.
492
00:27:59,719 --> 00:28:03,056
They’d be leaving for work,
"Hey, you two fat fuckers right there.
493
00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:06,267
You better not be on that couch
when I get home,
494
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:09,437
Gordo One and fuckin'gGordo Two.
You hear me?"
495
00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:11,606
We would answer, "Yeah."
"All right.
496
00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:13,149
Fucking clean yourselves.
C'mon."
497
00:28:13,233 --> 00:28:15,235
[laughter]
498
00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:21,282
This nigga Elon Musk
be goin' to space by hisself.
499
00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:24,369
What the fuck is that white man
doin' in space alone?
500
00:28:24,869 --> 00:28:26,871
That’s not suspicious to anybody but me?
501
00:28:27,539 --> 00:28:30,709
This motherfucker goes to space
without the government, without NASA?
502
00:28:30,792 --> 00:28:33,044
Which I didn’t even know
you could fucking do!
503
00:28:33,962 --> 00:28:37,757
As far as I knew, they were
the space niggas. They run space!
504
00:28:39,175 --> 00:28:42,011
You wanna fuck with space,
you gotta fuck with them.
505
00:28:42,095 --> 00:28:45,974
This motherfucker built a spaceship
like it’s a go-kart. Goes on Tuesdays.
506
00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:49,060
Bitch, space day is Saturday!
507
00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,271
Everybody know that!
508
00:28:52,439 --> 00:28:55,275
You can’t leave midweek
to go to goddamn space!
509
00:28:55,358 --> 00:28:57,736
It’s an event. It happens Saturday.
The TV’s on.
510
00:28:57,819 --> 00:29:00,321
This nigga be going Wednesday night. What?
511
00:29:01,072 --> 00:29:04,325
From Sacramento, at that.
Bitch, space place is Cape Canaveral.
512
00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:05,869
That’s where you go from.
513
00:29:08,455 --> 00:29:11,541
Ain’t no entry point to Mars
from fuckin' Sacramento.
514
00:29:11,624 --> 00:29:13,293
[laughter]
515
00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:15,920
[laughs]
516
00:29:18,715 --> 00:29:21,634
When you goin' to space, you at least
tell the people. It’s a PSA.
517
00:29:21,718 --> 00:29:24,763
Get on the goddamn news. Say,
"Hey, I'm about to fuck around in space.
518
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:27,682
Don’t be alarmed." This nigga just went.
We thought it was aliens. Aliens?
519
00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:31,227
No, it's just Elon doin' donuts
in the sky. What the fuck is this?
520
00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:34,022
[laughter, applause]
521
00:29:38,610 --> 00:29:40,528
White man ambition is some shit.
522
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:45,074
You wanna know where the racism is?
That’s where the fuck it is: White men.
523
00:29:45,158 --> 00:29:47,869
I know y’all still confused. Look at him.
"What are you talking about?"
524
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:50,330
Fuckin' confused.
525
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:53,833
'Cause they don’t get--
Everyone learns the history.
526
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:57,295
So you’re like, "No one’s getting hung,
and we ain’t beating nobody.
527
00:29:57,378 --> 00:30:00,548
I work next to a Black guy,
and he has a car, so equality."
528
00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:05,261
Just lay the fuck down.
Rest easy. "Everything’s fair."
529
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:08,014
Fuckin' nutjob!
530
00:30:10,308 --> 00:30:11,851
Everything’s not fair!
531
00:30:11,935 --> 00:30:15,647
'Cause while you’re sleepin',
you’re dreaming about buying Mars, nigga!
532
00:30:15,730 --> 00:30:16,940
[laughter]
533
00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:19,943
[scoffs]
534
00:30:20,026 --> 00:30:24,239
I never thought I could do shit like that.
I thought about having all the money.
535
00:30:24,322 --> 00:30:26,741
I thought, "If I get all the money,
I’ll buy them gold ceilings
536
00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:28,326
Master P had in Cribs. That's…
537
00:30:30,245 --> 00:30:33,540
That’s what the fuck Imma do
when I get all the goddamn money."
538
00:30:33,623 --> 00:30:36,251
Space by my goddamn self, bitch? Never!
539
00:30:37,544 --> 00:30:39,963
Even if I thought about going to space,
I’d call NASA first.
540
00:30:40,046 --> 00:30:41,881
"Yo, NASA, this Sam. Can I go?
541
00:30:43,007 --> 00:30:46,135
You know what? It is Tuesday.
Space day is Saturday."
542
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:47,095
[laughter]
543
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:53,977
You never know when someone’s gonna dump
some shit into your head
544
00:30:54,060 --> 00:30:57,397
that’s gonna ruin your life,
or at least change it for months,
545
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:58,898
or just cause you trouble.
546
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:03,236
And it could be just in passing,
somebody just drops shit into your head,
547
00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:04,988
and you have to deal with it.
548
00:31:05,071 --> 00:31:07,073
Like, you could just be having a day,
549
00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:10,869
and somebody you know or don’t know
that well goes, "You taking turmeric?"
550
00:31:10,952 --> 00:31:11,828
"What?"
551
00:31:13,621 --> 00:31:15,748
"Turmeric, are you taking it?" "Turmeric?"
552
00:31:15,832 --> 00:31:18,585
"Yeah, you gotta take that shit."
"Turmeric?" "Yup."
553
00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:22,672
"The spice?" "Yeah, you gotta take it."
"Turmeric, the spice?"
554
00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:24,674
"Yeah, man, you gotta take that."
555
00:31:25,133 --> 00:31:29,304
"Th--The spice that you buy once
to make an Indian recipe…
556
00:31:30,638 --> 00:31:32,307
and you never use it again,
557
00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:35,602
and it stains your wooden spoon,
that turmeric?"
558
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:38,187
"Yeah, you got to take that shit."
559
00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:41,774
As he’s walking away, he’s like,
"Oh yeah, if you’re gonna get turmeric,
560
00:31:41,858 --> 00:31:44,777
make sure you get it with black pepper
in it, or it won’t activate."
561
00:31:44,861 --> 00:31:47,363
Now, right there,
doesn’t that make you go,
562
00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:49,282
"That sounds like bullshit
to me a little bit?
563
00:31:49,365 --> 00:31:51,784
Am I that big of a sucker
you think I would believe that?"
564
00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:55,538
Where’s the science on that? That sounds
like a couple of vitamin hustlers
565
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:57,874
sitting over a mound of wholesale turmeric
566
00:31:57,957 --> 00:32:01,628
with a bunch of empty gel caps,
one guy going, "I don’t know, man.
567
00:32:01,711 --> 00:32:04,213
I don’t think
we can move this just like this.
568
00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:06,466
It's just a spice.
569
00:32:06,966 --> 00:32:09,385
I think we gotta--
We gotta add something."
570
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:13,056
"Yeah, like what, boss?"
I don’t know why it’s a '30s movie.
571
00:32:14,223 --> 00:32:18,478
"I don’t know, maybe another spice?"
"Yeah, like what? Maybe pepper?"
572
00:32:18,978 --> 00:32:20,355
"Yeah, keep talking."
573
00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:23,024
"Maybe we say it activates it?"
574
00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:26,945
"Holy shit! That's a fuckin'
million-dollar idea, right there.
575
00:32:27,028 --> 00:32:28,529
Let’s load up these gel caps.
576
00:32:28,613 --> 00:32:31,074
Maybe Rogan'll move 'em on his podcast."
577
00:32:31,157 --> 00:32:33,159
[laughter]
578
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:41,209
I don't feel like my kids' private school
respects my level of celebrity.
579
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:46,923
I don't. I really don't. I mean this.
I swear to God. I'm not playing.
580
00:32:47,006 --> 00:32:48,716
I'm gonna be very honest.
581
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,219
It's my fucking household.
I'm not holding back.
582
00:32:51,302 --> 00:32:54,389
They don't respect my level of celebrity!
583
00:32:55,515 --> 00:32:56,808
I'm a very humble guy.
584
00:32:56,891 --> 00:32:58,101
[laughter]
585
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:03,064
May not seem like it after that sentence,
but I am. I'm a very humble guy.
586
00:33:03,773 --> 00:33:06,943
What's understood doesn't need to be said.
You know who I am, and I know you know
587
00:33:07,026 --> 00:33:07,944
who the fuck I am.
588
00:33:08,027 --> 00:33:09,696
Don't make me say who I am.
589
00:33:10,405 --> 00:33:13,324
They put me in a position
to have to say who I am.
590
00:33:14,075 --> 00:33:15,535
I go drop my kids off at the school.
591
00:33:15,618 --> 00:33:17,495
Teachers come running out,
surround my car.
592
00:33:17,578 --> 00:33:20,206
"Mr. Hart,
we'd love to talk to you for a second.
593
00:33:20,289 --> 00:33:22,000
The big fair is coming up.
594
00:33:22,750 --> 00:33:25,253
We do this fair
once a year at the school.
595
00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:26,337
We would love it
596
00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:29,924
if you would be
the greeter at this year's fair."
597
00:33:34,303 --> 00:33:37,598
[laughter, appaluse]
598
00:33:40,226 --> 00:33:44,147
I gave her a lot of time for her to say,
"I'm bullshittin'." She never said it.
599
00:33:44,772 --> 00:33:46,774
I said, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
600
00:33:47,275 --> 00:33:50,611
"No. It's our biggest fair.
We'd love it if you'd be the greeter.
601
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:54,490
We think you would make
an amazing greeter at this year's fair."
602
00:33:55,116 --> 00:33:57,785
Before I go on with this joke,
I wanna make this perfectly clear.
603
00:33:57,869 --> 00:34:02,206
First things first,
I have nothing against greeters, okay?
604
00:34:02,290 --> 00:34:04,751
I don't wanna tell this joke
and walk outside my house,
605
00:34:04,834 --> 00:34:07,628
and there's a group of ya'll with signs
talking about Cancel Kevin Hart
606
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:09,464
'cause he don't respect greeters.
607
00:34:09,547 --> 00:34:12,300
"Cancel Kevin Hart
because he don't respect the greet."
608
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,052
Greeters are amazing people.
609
00:34:14,635 --> 00:34:17,096
The job is actually required. I get it.
610
00:34:17,805 --> 00:34:21,059
I've actually been hit
with some amazing greetings in my time.
611
00:34:22,226 --> 00:34:24,270
I want to Walmart.
I got hit with a greeting
612
00:34:24,353 --> 00:34:25,855
so fucking fantastic one time.
613
00:34:25,938 --> 00:34:29,609
I don't even know where he came from.
He just slid in my POV.
614
00:34:29,692 --> 00:34:31,444
I walked in. He was like,
"Welcome to Walmart.
615
00:34:31,527 --> 00:34:34,113
You here to get you some stuff?"
I was like, "What the fuck.
616
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:36,657
Where did you come from, man?"
617
00:34:37,992 --> 00:34:40,620
He's like, "You better get you
some stuff. We rolling back prices."
618
00:34:40,703 --> 00:34:43,289
Then he moonwalked.
He just moonwalked out the way.
619
00:34:43,372 --> 00:34:47,335
I said, "What the fuck just happened?
What just happened here?"
620
00:34:47,418 --> 00:34:51,714
I was so blown away by the greeting,
not only did I go get me some stuff,
621
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:55,093
I broke my neck
looking for this guy on the way out.
622
00:34:55,927 --> 00:34:57,762
I want him to see my stuff. "Hey!
623
00:34:58,971 --> 00:35:00,431
Come here, man. Hey!
624
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:03,017
Come here.
I wanna show you my stuff!"
625
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:07,897
He came over.
I opened my bag. He was like, "Oh!"
626
00:35:07,980 --> 00:35:09,982
[laughter]
627
00:35:10,817 --> 00:35:11,651
He said,
628
00:35:11,734 --> 00:35:13,736
"Oh!"
629
00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:16,155
"You got you some good stuff."
630
00:35:17,448 --> 00:35:19,325
Took out his highlighter,
swiped my receipt
631
00:35:19,408 --> 00:35:21,244
so people knew I didn't steal.
632
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:24,038
He said, "Make sure
you come and see me again."
633
00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:26,541
I said, "Will you be here?"
He said, "If I'm not, who will?"
634
00:35:26,624 --> 00:35:29,377
Moonwalked out the way again.
I said, "What the fuck?!"
635
00:35:30,253 --> 00:35:33,381
That was one of the best
goddamn greetings I've ever seen, man.
636
00:35:33,464 --> 00:35:35,508
"Of course
Imma come back and see you again."
637
00:35:37,051 --> 00:35:38,427
I'm not shittin' on greeters.
638
00:35:38,511 --> 00:35:41,222
I'm just saying
I didn't have to go that route.
639
00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:44,517
I went around that to get to my success.
640
00:35:45,643 --> 00:35:48,604
You don't come to me
and ask me to be a fuckin' greeter.
641
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,858
I had a number one movie
in the box office at the time.
642
00:35:52,525 --> 00:35:54,652
I was on the side of fuckin' buses.
643
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:58,364
You don't ask me to be the greeter.
644
00:35:59,407 --> 00:36:01,284
There's other parents
who got kids who go there
645
00:36:01,367 --> 00:36:04,954
that are former actors and actresses
that you could've fuckin' asked.
646
00:36:05,037 --> 00:36:06,998
Carlton from The Fresh Prince, Alfonso,
647
00:36:07,582 --> 00:36:09,584
that's your greeter. This right here,
648
00:36:10,209 --> 00:36:12,670
that's who you want at the front.
That's your greeter.
649
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:16,507
Terry Crews, he got kids that go there.
That's your greeter.
650
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:17,925
Pec-popping at the front.
651
00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:21,554
[repeating] "Hey!
652
00:36:22,638 --> 00:36:26,017
Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to the fair.
Who want a ticket? Hey, hey, hey, hey."
653
00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:29,437
What a combination.
Parents would've went crazy. "Whoa!
654
00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:31,480
What a school!
655
00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:35,067
I want tickets.
I'm going to buy every ticket I can."
656
00:36:35,151 --> 00:36:36,694
[repeating] "Hey!"
657
00:36:37,612 --> 00:36:40,489
Parents would be blown away.
"These greeters are amazing."
658
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:42,575
[laughter]
659
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:49,749
And at the beginning,
we all had one password.
660
00:36:49,832 --> 00:36:53,711
It was our first password.
We can nostalgically remember.
661
00:36:53,794 --> 00:36:56,923
And we used it for everything.
Every time we joined another business.
662
00:36:57,006 --> 00:37:00,426
"Can I have your password?"
"Yes, you can. That is my special word."
663
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:04,013
And then,
companies started getting quite rude.
664
00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:06,682
You would put your password in,
and it would go, "Weak."
665
00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:10,019
"Who are you to judge my special word?"
666
00:37:10,102 --> 00:37:12,355
[laughter]
667
00:37:12,438 --> 00:37:14,732
They're like, "Sorry,
but the internet has become popular.
668
00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:16,317
We need to strengthen your password."
669
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:18,361
And businesses would insist,
670
00:37:18,444 --> 00:37:21,155
"We must have from you a capital letter.
671
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:24,700
I'm sorry, we will not
be accepting passwords anymore
672
00:37:24,784 --> 00:37:28,955
unless it contains
at least one capital letter."
673
00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:32,833
And we all momentarily
considered our options
674
00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:37,964
before deciding to capitalize
the first letter of our password.
675
00:37:40,299 --> 00:37:42,551
And for a period of time, that was fine.
676
00:37:42,635 --> 00:37:45,513
But the internet became
even more popular.
677
00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:49,350
And then businesses started saying,
"I'm afraid you cannot join
678
00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:55,273
unless you have at least one
capital letter and at least one number!"
679
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:56,857
Again,
680
00:37:57,358 --> 00:38:02,154
less than
half a micro-second's consideration,
681
00:38:02,238 --> 00:38:04,365
before we collectively decided
682
00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:06,867
you shall be getting the number one,
683
00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:12,123
and that will be at the end
of my now capitalized password.
684
00:38:13,332 --> 00:38:15,668
And for a period of time,
685
00:38:15,751 --> 00:38:17,295
this was acceptable
686
00:38:17,878 --> 00:38:21,799
until a whole new, unexpected,
687
00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:24,969
and exciting dawn emerged,
688
00:38:25,052 --> 00:38:29,181
a world of special characters.
689
00:38:29,765 --> 00:38:31,934
We didn't even know what they were.
690
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:36,397
And businesses would say,
"We need a capital letter,
691
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:41,527
we need a number, but we will also require
a special character."
692
00:38:41,610 --> 00:38:46,115
And we clicked on the button.
"Please, can I have some examples
693
00:38:46,198 --> 00:38:49,785
of these special characters
which you now insist upon?"
694
00:38:49,869 --> 00:38:52,038
And we perused them. "There they are.
695
00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:56,334
I had no idea
these characters were so special."
696
00:38:56,959 --> 00:39:03,674
Until all of our eyes
stopped upon the exclamation mark.
697
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:05,593
[laughter, applause]
698
00:39:06,385 --> 00:39:07,928
"You're coming with me."
699
00:39:08,846 --> 00:39:13,476
Which we then put at the end
of our now capitalized password,
700
00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:15,102
just after the "one."
701
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:21,692
And it's at this moment that everybody
at the London Palladium is thinking,
702
00:39:21,776 --> 00:39:23,861
"I should probably change my password.
703
00:39:23,944 --> 00:39:26,697
I'm probably going to do that tomorrow.
Or do that now."
704
00:39:26,781 --> 00:39:27,615
[laughter]
705
00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:33,871
Growing up in the South,
we love two things,
706
00:39:33,954 --> 00:39:36,123
and that was church and Chili's.
707
00:39:37,541 --> 00:39:41,670
Everybody in the South goes to church.
There's one on every corner.
708
00:39:41,754 --> 00:39:44,882
They even try to fool you
with churches. Like right now,
709
00:39:44,965 --> 00:39:47,051
you think you're in a theater.
710
00:39:47,134 --> 00:39:49,220
[laughter, applause]
711
00:39:52,431 --> 00:39:56,811
But the reward for going to church
is that then you get to go to Chili's.
712
00:39:58,187 --> 00:40:02,316
And Chili's, in my hometown,
was the fanciest restaurant.
713
00:40:02,858 --> 00:40:06,654
It was so fancy,
I referred to it as Chilé's.
714
00:40:08,781 --> 00:40:13,077
Now, I grew up Methodist,
which is considered Christian light.
715
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:16,205
Yeah.
Just a little dab will do you. Just boop!
716
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:19,750
Just a little bit of Jesus,
that's all you need.
717
00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:25,339
All we cared about was that the preacher
was done with his sermon by noon
718
00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:27,842
so we could beat the Baptists
to the Chili's.
719
00:40:28,843 --> 00:40:29,718
Right?
720
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:31,804
[laughter, applause]
721
00:40:32,721 --> 00:40:37,309
It'd be 11:55, and if the preacher
was still yammering on,
722
00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:41,355
you could hear the choir
slowly start singing.
723
00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:45,651
[to "Amazing Grace"]
♪ Baby back ribs ♪
724
00:40:46,819 --> 00:40:52,616
♪ How sweet the sauce ♪
725
00:40:53,826 --> 00:40:56,579
We're like, "Preacher! Wrap it up!"
726
00:40:56,662 --> 00:40:57,997
[laughter]
727
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:04,920
I have good news.
I finally smoked weed with my mom.
728
00:41:09,008 --> 00:41:09,925
Did it.
729
00:41:10,009 --> 00:41:13,262
Took me 36 years of campaigning.
Finally did it.
730
00:41:13,345 --> 00:41:18,642
Now, keep in mind,
my mom is a 700-year-old Jew, okay?
731
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:20,102
Wasn't easy.
732
00:41:20,186 --> 00:41:22,813
No, she came to my house,
we were in Los Angeles,
733
00:41:22,897 --> 00:41:25,566
and I'm driving around with my mom,
and I go, "Smoke pot with me."
734
00:41:25,649 --> 00:41:27,818
And she goes, "No. It's illegal."
735
00:41:27,902 --> 00:41:31,947
I go, "No, it's not. It's legal now."
And she goes, "Oh, okay."
736
00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:33,324
I swear to God, it was that easy.
737
00:41:33,407 --> 00:41:36,202
So we went to my house,
and I'm trying to smoke a bowl with her,
738
00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:39,622
and she can't inhale. She looks like
Dizzy Gillespie the whole time. Like…
739
00:41:39,705 --> 00:41:42,166
[blows raspberries]
740
00:41:42,666 --> 00:41:46,003
So I give her a little weed cookie,
and then we start playing Scrabble,
741
00:41:46,086 --> 00:41:48,130
and then 20 or 30 minutes later,
742
00:41:48,214 --> 00:41:51,050
her eyes got all red,
and she looks up at me and goes,
743
00:41:51,133 --> 00:41:53,093
"My mouth is dry.
744
00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:56,805
Is that part of the appeal?"
745
00:41:58,182 --> 00:42:00,559
And then she snapped.
She was like, "Bring it in.
746
00:42:00,643 --> 00:42:02,728
Bill Cosby didn't do it.
747
00:42:04,021 --> 00:42:05,689
I did it!"
748
00:42:06,774 --> 00:42:09,068
And I haven't seen her since.
749
00:42:09,151 --> 00:42:12,363
-[laughter]
-[Eric laughs]
750
00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:14,782
By the way,
Bill Cosby is guest bartending tonight
751
00:42:14,865 --> 00:42:17,993
if you guys want
some really strong drinks!
752
00:42:18,077 --> 00:42:19,161
[whoops]
753
00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:28,003
I saw a great documentary on Ted Bundy.
Did anybody see that?
754
00:42:28,087 --> 00:42:32,508
It was a four-hour,
four-part Ted Bundy documentary.
755
00:42:33,050 --> 00:42:37,221
And they said, originally, he wanted to be
an attorney or a politician.
756
00:42:37,304 --> 00:42:40,474
When I heard that,
the whole thing kind of made sense.
757
00:42:40,599 --> 00:42:43,018
Like, all right. He actually took
the more admirable route.
758
00:42:45,479 --> 00:42:49,733
I've seen about 30 documentaries
on Ted Bundy, and I gotta be honest,
759
00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:51,610
I'm a little sick and tired
760
00:42:51,694 --> 00:42:55,030
of the hero-worship
we have of serial killers in this country.
761
00:42:55,114 --> 00:42:57,157
And I say we,
'cause I've been guilty of it too.
762
00:42:57,241 --> 00:43:00,995
But you can tell it's more
than just curiosity and voyeurism.
763
00:43:01,078 --> 00:43:04,707
It's admiration. You can tell
by the language used in the documentaries.
764
00:43:04,790 --> 00:43:07,793
They don't talk about Ted Bundy
the way they should talk about him.
765
00:43:07,876 --> 00:43:09,461
If they were speaking about him honestly,
766
00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:12,798
every sentence would start with,
"And then, this piece of shit…"
767
00:43:12,881 --> 00:43:14,883
[laughter, applause]
768
00:43:16,510 --> 00:43:19,305
But they don't do that.
They give the obligatory,
769
00:43:19,388 --> 00:43:21,348
"He was wicked. He was evil."
770
00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:24,602
But then they find
almost admirable qualities,
771
00:43:24,685 --> 00:43:27,229
and they harp on them.
First of all, his intellect.
772
00:43:27,313 --> 00:43:29,732
They can't stop talking
about his intellect,
773
00:43:29,815 --> 00:43:32,192
which was overrated.
He was not that bright.
774
00:43:32,276 --> 00:43:35,529
They're like,
"Ted Bundy was so intelligent.
775
00:43:35,613 --> 00:43:37,406
He escaped from jail twice."
776
00:43:37,489 --> 00:43:39,366
You know how he escaped
from jail the first time?
777
00:43:39,450 --> 00:43:42,077
The window was open, and he jumped out.
778
00:43:42,161 --> 00:43:43,203
[laughter]
779
00:43:45,331 --> 00:43:48,375
That's how a cat or bird
would escape from prison.
780
00:43:50,252 --> 00:43:52,963
You're not a mastermind
if you're in jail and see an open window,
781
00:43:53,047 --> 00:43:55,007
and you're like, "Freedom is that way!"
782
00:43:57,009 --> 00:44:00,220
They called him a genius
because I think they like the idea
783
00:44:00,304 --> 00:44:01,430
of the wicked genius.
784
00:44:01,513 --> 00:44:05,601
They said, "Ted Bundy was a genius.
He acted as his own attorney."
785
00:44:06,560 --> 00:44:07,936
They executed him.
786
00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:15,402
He sucked as a lawyer.
You're not a genius
787
00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:18,322
if you get the worst--
He couldn't have done worse.
788
00:44:20,616 --> 00:44:23,535
If he had hired
an orangutan to represent him,
789
00:44:24,411 --> 00:44:28,832
and it just shit in its own hand
and mushed it in the face of the jury,
790
00:44:29,792 --> 00:44:33,045
it would have gotten the same sentence
Ted got making an effort.
791
00:44:33,796 --> 00:44:35,798
[laughter, applause]
792
00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:42,137
And collectively, can we agree,
stop harping on his appearance?
793
00:44:42,221 --> 00:44:44,014
He was an average-looking guy,
794
00:44:44,098 --> 00:44:47,267
but they can't stop talking about,
"Oh my God, he was charming.
795
00:44:47,351 --> 00:44:49,937
Ted Bundy was so handsome."
No, he wasn't.
796
00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:52,815
He was handsome in that pool of people.
797
00:44:55,567 --> 00:44:59,279
Okay? In the group of men
who have murdered and raped
798
00:44:59,363 --> 00:45:00,739
40 or more women…
799
00:45:02,658 --> 00:45:03,951
Ted's a catch.
800
00:45:10,874 --> 00:45:15,212
I'm married. I have a white wife
and a white son-- white stepson.
801
00:45:15,754 --> 00:45:18,215
Blonde hair, blue eyes. Little white son.
802
00:45:18,841 --> 00:45:21,093
I've been raising him
since he was two years old.
803
00:45:21,176 --> 00:45:23,345
We call him Miklo, yes. Miklo.
804
00:45:24,263 --> 00:45:26,598
But he thinks he's Mexican too, now!
805
00:45:27,433 --> 00:45:29,476
He be steppin' up to fools,
806
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:32,396
"What's up, fool?
You fucking with la raza?"
807
00:45:35,232 --> 00:45:37,109
I'm like, "Hey, calm down, Scott.
808
00:45:39,069 --> 00:45:41,822
That's the condo association.
Don't fuck around."
809
00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:46,118
White boys are down, though.
810
00:45:47,035 --> 00:45:50,831
When you have a white boy
who's the fuck in your gang, he's down.
811
00:45:51,582 --> 00:45:52,958
White boys are crazy, man.
812
00:45:53,041 --> 00:45:56,587
They come up with fucking crimes
that we could never think of.
813
00:45:58,088 --> 00:45:59,923
One time, this white cholo comes up to me.
814
00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:03,093
"What's up, homie?
You want to do a home invasion, bitch?"
815
00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:05,304
I'm like, "Fuck. Who's house, Ryan?"
816
00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:09,099
"My mom's house.
817
00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:10,726
[laughter, applause]
818
00:46:12,102 --> 00:46:15,522
That bitch didn't want
to make me a sandwich last night."
819
00:46:16,523 --> 00:46:19,151
You get proud of your stepson
when he does stuff,
820
00:46:19,234 --> 00:46:21,320
even though I don't help him do anything.
821
00:46:22,154 --> 00:46:25,783
I'm always right there,
"Yeah, you know, I'm his only father."
822
00:46:26,575 --> 00:46:30,913
But if my son becomes
a serial killer or a school shooter,
823
00:46:30,996 --> 00:46:34,750
Imma be like, "Hey bro, you fuckin' know
how fucking white people are, bro..
824
00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:39,922
I was scared for my life!
825
00:46:41,131 --> 00:46:43,425
One time, he dressed up like a ghost.
826
00:46:43,509 --> 00:46:46,887
I didn't know if he was a ghost
or a fucking KKK member."
827
00:46:46,970 --> 00:46:48,972
[laughter, applause]
828
00:46:52,309 --> 00:46:55,521
There are still a lot of Greeks alive
and thriving in the world today.
829
00:46:55,604 --> 00:46:56,522
Hello and welcome.
830
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:59,233
No, just the ancient Greeks.
They are all dead.
831
00:46:59,316 --> 00:47:02,361
They lived on a busy road
that was built by the ancient Romans.
832
00:47:05,489 --> 00:47:07,741
Now, who have we got here?
We've got Pythagoras.
833
00:47:07,825 --> 00:47:09,952
He's busy naming all the triangles!
834
00:47:11,578 --> 00:47:13,163
That's a cute one.
835
00:47:16,875 --> 00:47:18,252
Then you've got Socrates here.
836
00:47:18,335 --> 00:47:20,504
He took a bit of a tumble.
Classic Socrates.
837
00:47:20,587 --> 00:47:23,465
Good with the thoughts,
shit with the walk. Get up, mate. Arugula?
838
00:47:25,467 --> 00:47:26,635
What were the women doing
839
00:47:26,718 --> 00:47:29,638
while all the men were doing
the important naming of all the things?
840
00:47:29,721 --> 00:47:31,014
From my research, what I gather,
841
00:47:31,098 --> 00:47:34,768
women were generally standing around
in groups of three, naked,
842
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:39,231
just waiting for men
to name all of the things.
843
00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:41,859
You see it happening
with this central figure.
844
00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:44,987
She's saying, "What have you got
in your hand there, Karen?"
845
00:47:45,070 --> 00:47:47,072
[laughter]
846
00:47:51,577 --> 00:47:53,328
"Just a couple of bits and bobs."
847
00:47:56,123 --> 00:47:59,751
Women were just holding things.
Just waiting, hoping it wasn't poisonous.
848
00:47:59,835 --> 00:48:02,421
Waiting for men to name the things.
849
00:48:02,504 --> 00:48:04,548
This was painted before beds were named.
850
00:48:04,631 --> 00:48:06,925
You can see women desperately trying
to make the beds,
851
00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:09,845
just flinging the linen
into the trees willy-nilly.
852
00:48:09,928 --> 00:48:13,307
Just going, "I don't know.
Let's just build a fort.
853
00:48:14,933 --> 00:48:16,894
We'll make it a fancy fort!"
854
00:48:18,395 --> 00:48:20,856
"Yay! We finished the fort!"
855
00:48:22,649 --> 00:48:24,985
Dancing naked
in groups of three in the forest
856
00:48:25,068 --> 00:48:28,030
is the number one hobby
of women of all time.
857
00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:30,407
And don't we just love it?
858
00:48:30,490 --> 00:48:32,951
Isn't that the safest thing
you've ever heard of? Love it.
859
00:48:33,035 --> 00:48:35,996
Now this might just look like
a footloose, fancy-free frolic
860
00:48:36,079 --> 00:48:38,582
in the forest on a bank holiday, no drama.
861
00:48:39,583 --> 00:48:42,294
But let me draw your attention
to this grip here.
862
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:46,089
That is too tight for fun times alone.
863
00:48:46,840 --> 00:48:48,967
It suggests tension.
864
00:48:49,843 --> 00:48:52,387
What has happened?
Has someone mentioned the paleo?
865
00:48:52,471 --> 00:48:53,388
No.
866
00:48:54,056 --> 00:48:56,058
What has happened
is this central figure, here,
867
00:48:56,141 --> 00:48:58,310
has realized that this bit of cloth,
this waft of gauze,
868
00:48:58,393 --> 00:49:00,479
this potential fort, if you will,
869
00:49:01,063 --> 00:49:04,024
has made its way
so far up her clacker…
870
00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:10,030
so far up her clacker,
it had both fannies covered.
871
00:49:10,864 --> 00:49:13,033
And she is upset!
872
00:49:15,661 --> 00:49:17,412
Now, it's worth pointing out
at this juncture
873
00:49:17,496 --> 00:49:21,667
that this is not a photograph.
This is not an accidental photograph…
874
00:49:22,417 --> 00:49:25,796
taken of an unfortunate moment. Awkward.
875
00:49:26,922 --> 00:49:29,466
No. What this is, is a painting.
876
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:32,427
Which makes this…
877
00:49:36,223 --> 00:49:37,766
a decision!
878
00:49:39,935 --> 00:49:43,730
It's a decision.
One a man made and spent time on.
879
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,983
[laughter]
880
00:49:49,820 --> 00:49:51,446
Oh my God!
881
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:53,198
[whoops]
882
00:49:53,281 --> 00:49:56,243
That's what I do now, by the way. I hike.
883
00:49:56,326 --> 00:49:57,911
It's my thing now. I hike.
884
00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:01,164
Hiking is not my exercise.
885
00:50:01,248 --> 00:50:03,166
It's my activity.
886
00:50:04,668 --> 00:50:06,837
Because hiking is not an exercise.
887
00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:10,799
It's the segue between the actual exercise
you did in your 20s and 30s
888
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:13,885
and then the gentle mall walking
you're going to do…
889
00:50:14,678 --> 00:50:16,722
in your 70s and 80s
890
00:50:17,264 --> 00:50:19,850
so that you'll fit
into the tuxedo at the funeral home.
891
00:50:19,933 --> 00:50:22,644
'Cause you don't want 'em
splitting the back of the jacket open.
892
00:50:22,728 --> 00:50:25,897
That's embarrassing. Come on.
Let's die with some dignity.
893
00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:27,357
So what I do every day,
894
00:50:27,941 --> 00:50:31,820
I park my car
at the base of a hiking trail.
895
00:50:31,903 --> 00:50:35,574
Then, I walk away from my car…
896
00:50:36,742 --> 00:50:40,412
until I eventually turn around
897
00:50:41,246 --> 00:50:43,874
and walk back to my car. And that's--
898
00:50:44,499 --> 00:50:46,168
That's what I do.
899
00:50:46,251 --> 00:50:50,297
There I am,
out there with all the other 50-year olds.
900
00:50:50,797 --> 00:50:52,716
Doing our little doom ovals.
901
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:00,724
And if you were to fly a helicopter
902
00:51:00,807 --> 00:51:02,893
low over the Earth,
you know what you would see?
903
00:51:03,602 --> 00:51:06,271
You'd see people in their 20s
904
00:51:06,354 --> 00:51:09,649
gobbling drugs,
eating delicious food, having sex.
905
00:51:10,817 --> 00:51:14,112
People in their 30s, with actual jobs,
making the world run.
906
00:51:15,489 --> 00:51:16,865
People in their 40s…
907
00:51:17,783 --> 00:51:19,868
tying to fuck the 20-year olds.
908
00:51:19,951 --> 00:51:22,287
[laughter]
909
00:51:22,871 --> 00:51:26,458
And then us,
the gentle, surrendered 50-year olds,
910
00:51:27,626 --> 00:51:30,962
on our little futility ovals.
911
00:51:33,632 --> 00:51:35,217
We've got our earbuds in,
912
00:51:36,176 --> 00:51:38,053
listening to podcasts…
913
00:51:40,055 --> 00:51:44,059
which are done by 20-year olds
that nobody wants to fuck.
914
00:51:44,142 --> 00:51:46,144
[laughter]
915
00:51:50,816 --> 00:51:54,236
If we're going to understand our country,
we have to understand our beliefs.
916
00:51:54,319 --> 00:51:56,071
-Do you agree?
-[audience] Yes.
917
00:51:56,154 --> 00:51:59,282
Right? And what we must understand
is that they are not true,
918
00:51:59,366 --> 00:52:01,118
but we really fucking believe them.
919
00:52:02,244 --> 00:52:06,331
For instance, all Indians must stand
for the national anthem.
920
00:52:07,541 --> 00:52:08,917
I believe it.
921
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:10,877
But, technically, we don't have to.
922
00:52:11,878 --> 00:52:13,672
Probably should. Safety issue.
923
00:52:13,755 --> 00:52:15,715
[laughter]
924
00:52:15,799 --> 00:52:17,801
Because there are dudes
multitasking in the room,
925
00:52:17,884 --> 00:52:18,927
singing while whooping ass.
926
00:52:19,010 --> 00:52:21,638
[sings indistinctly and shouts]
927
00:52:23,014 --> 00:52:25,058
So stand for the national anthem, man.
928
00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:27,102
It's pretty chilled out,
our national anthem.
929
00:52:27,185 --> 00:52:29,146
Like, a definitive end. It's not too long.
930
00:52:29,229 --> 00:52:31,398
You know when it's over.
We all just kind of go…
931
00:52:31,481 --> 00:52:34,234
[sings indistinctly]
932
00:52:34,317 --> 00:52:35,152
Hey!
933
00:52:37,445 --> 00:52:39,156
Nobody died. Okay, sit down.
934
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,158
[laughs]
935
00:52:41,241 --> 00:52:43,410
These guys never know when to sit down.
936
00:52:43,493 --> 00:52:46,955
♪ For the land of the free ♪
937
00:52:47,539 --> 00:52:50,584
♪ And the home of the ♪
938
00:52:51,585 --> 00:52:58,550
♪ Bra-ee-a-ee-a ♪
939
00:52:58,633 --> 00:53:01,845
♪ Ee-ave ♪
940
00:53:01,928 --> 00:53:02,762
[laughter]
941
00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:12,189
That football player who took a knee
wasn't protesting. He was just resting.
942
00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:15,192
We don't have to stand
for the national anthem.
943
00:53:15,275 --> 00:53:18,111
Do you know how I know?
The announcement says, "Please.
944
00:53:21,156 --> 00:53:23,491
Please stand for the national anthem."
945
00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:27,412
In standard Indian rules,
if the announcement says please,
946
00:53:27,495 --> 00:53:28,830
we don't do that shit.
947
00:53:30,749 --> 00:53:33,168
"Please wait
'til your plane has reached the gate
948
00:53:33,251 --> 00:53:35,170
before you use your cell phone."
949
00:53:36,421 --> 00:53:37,672
Fuck off!
950
00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:41,426
We are in the air,
we see a building we recognize,
951
00:53:41,509 --> 00:53:43,386
we'll start trying to call people, right?
952
00:53:44,387 --> 00:53:47,641
"Please don't piss on the wall."
That's what walls are for.
953
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:51,686
America should be very grateful
they share a border with Mexico, not us.
954
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:55,398
Because, you know…
955
00:53:57,734 --> 00:53:58,610
If it was us,
956
00:53:58,693 --> 00:54:02,280
and they built a wall, they'd have
a very different problem on their hands.
957
00:54:02,364 --> 00:54:04,491
[Donald Trump voice] "Why do they
keep pissing on us?"
958
00:54:09,996 --> 00:54:12,040
You're picturing that now,
aren't you? [laughs]
959
00:54:12,123 --> 00:54:14,125
[laughter, applause]
960
00:54:16,878 --> 00:54:18,463
Young people love to kiss.
961
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:22,759
They suck each other's tongues.
962
00:54:22,842 --> 00:54:25,553
I saw this young couple
in an elevator just making out.
963
00:54:25,637 --> 00:54:29,474
Didn't care that we were in the elevator.
Sucking each other like licorice. [kisses]
964
00:54:29,557 --> 00:54:32,102
Then he stuck his finger down her throat.
965
00:54:33,937 --> 00:54:35,313
Right? He just stuck it--[moans]
966
00:54:35,397 --> 00:54:38,191
And she started sucking it
like it was a penis.
967
00:54:38,817 --> 00:54:41,278
If I tried to stick my finger
in my wife's mouth,
968
00:54:41,361 --> 00:54:44,572
she'd be like, "What the--
What the fuck was that?
969
00:54:45,824 --> 00:54:48,576
Are you mad at me? What the fuck did I do?
970
00:54:51,538 --> 00:54:55,417
You don't want to listen to me, tell me
to shut the fuck up. Don't do that.
971
00:54:56,167 --> 00:54:58,795
You just scratched your nuts
for a half hour on the couch
972
00:54:58,878 --> 00:55:00,005
watching the game.
973
00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:04,426
Alls I taste is mushrooms.
I hate mushrooms.
974
00:55:05,510 --> 00:55:07,929
Fuckin' truffle-nuts. Leave me alone."
975
00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:13,685
Yeah, around 45, you stop kissing.
976
00:55:13,768 --> 00:55:16,229
That's when you're like-- [kisses]
977
00:55:16,313 --> 00:55:17,439
"Hi. Goodbye."
978
00:55:17,522 --> 00:55:20,608
Yeah, because he has a dead tooth,
and you don't have dental.
979
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,987
"Let's not do that anymore. How's that?"
980
00:55:24,070 --> 00:55:26,072
[laughter, applause]
981
00:55:29,784 --> 00:55:31,953
Now there are things that we do
982
00:55:32,037 --> 00:55:34,331
that we think we're nailing,
and we're not.
983
00:55:34,831 --> 00:55:35,957
Like thongs,
984
00:55:36,958 --> 00:55:38,126
jandals,
985
00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:40,462
flip-flops,
986
00:55:41,546 --> 00:55:44,507
plakkies.
That's what we call them in South Africa.
987
00:55:45,425 --> 00:55:48,595
You know, we will never have world peace
988
00:55:49,220 --> 00:55:51,765
unless we can agree
on a name for these shoes.
989
00:55:55,268 --> 00:55:59,356
Now, the thing with those shoes,
they don't come with instructions.
990
00:55:59,439 --> 00:56:01,566
The thing is, they really should.
991
00:56:02,317 --> 00:56:05,570
'Cause I never owned a pair
'cause I grew up on a farm in South Africa
992
00:56:05,653 --> 00:56:07,906
where we have
snakes, and scorpions, and shit.
993
00:56:08,448 --> 00:56:11,910
So you can't have any of that.
So the first time I ever bought a pair
994
00:56:11,993 --> 00:56:15,747
was when I was in my mid-30s,
13 years ago in New Zealand.
995
00:56:15,830 --> 00:56:17,248
And no one stopped me.
996
00:56:17,332 --> 00:56:20,502
Like, I bought them. No one,
as I got to the door, went, "Hey…
997
00:56:21,878 --> 00:56:23,963
have you used those before?"
998
00:56:25,131 --> 00:56:26,591
You go, "No, I haven't."
999
00:56:26,674 --> 00:56:27,592
"Come here.
1000
00:56:28,802 --> 00:56:30,345
Hey, just so you know,
1001
00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:35,266
if a drop of moisture
get on the inside of that shoe,
1002
00:56:35,350 --> 00:56:36,309
you're dead.
1003
00:56:38,853 --> 00:56:43,441
Oh, and if a drop of moisture
gets on the outside of that shoe, [laughs]
1004
00:56:43,525 --> 00:56:44,442
you're dead.
1005
00:56:46,653 --> 00:56:50,615
Oh, and don't think,
for a second, that you can run…
1006
00:56:52,117 --> 00:56:55,537
from your car, during a thunderstorm…
1007
00:56:58,081 --> 00:57:02,252
into the mall
where they've gone ahead and tiled it.
1008
00:57:05,046 --> 00:57:07,841
Because,
whether you're physically prepared or not,
1009
00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:10,468
you're going to do
the full fucking splits."
1010
00:57:12,887 --> 00:57:16,307
And you're like, "Okay.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool."
1011
00:57:16,808 --> 00:57:19,269
And as you walk out,
they go, "Oh, one more thing.
1012
00:57:19,394 --> 00:57:24,482
Just so you know, those shoes,
they're only for forward motion.
1013
00:57:26,234 --> 00:57:28,403
We call them one-directional.
1014
00:57:29,487 --> 00:57:32,991
Yeah. You wanna take a step to the side?
You're dead.
1015
00:57:34,742 --> 00:57:38,246
You wanna take a step back?
My uncle tried that. He's dead!"
1016
00:57:40,081 --> 00:57:43,334
Those shoes are so complex, man.
They should come with a warning
1017
00:57:43,418 --> 00:57:46,921
and someone to live with you
for, like, a week after you buy them.
1018
00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:50,717
And I learned that I'm officially
at the age-weight ratio
1019
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:52,635
where I no longer fall over.
1020
00:57:54,262 --> 00:57:55,388
I had a fall.
1021
00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:01,436
You don't know when it will happen to you.
1022
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:05,940
Even five years ago, my friends
would've gone, "Were you drunk?" [laughs]
1023
00:58:06,024 --> 00:58:08,443
Now, I get all these concerned emojis.
1024
00:58:10,445 --> 00:58:13,531
"Mate, are you all right?
I believe you had a fall." I'm like,
1025
00:58:15,033 --> 00:58:17,702
"No, bitch, I was wearing
my death booties. I forgot."
1026
00:58:18,286 --> 00:58:19,746
[laughter]
1027
00:58:23,833 --> 00:58:25,502
[Tom] These are the good times.
1028
00:58:25,585 --> 00:58:28,505
People talk about the good old days
all the time, right, lately?
1029
00:58:28,588 --> 00:58:30,924
"What if we just go back
to the good old days?"
1030
00:58:31,007 --> 00:58:33,009
"The good old days." Are you kidding me?
1031
00:58:33,092 --> 00:58:35,178
These are the good old days.
1032
00:58:35,261 --> 00:58:38,765
The good old days? We're just
figuring out how to do stuff now.
1033
00:58:38,848 --> 00:58:40,975
And we don't even
have it figured out, yet.
1034
00:58:41,059 --> 00:58:44,020
You wanna go to the good old days?
They didn't know how to do anything there.
1035
00:58:44,103 --> 00:58:45,104
Nothing!
1036
00:58:45,188 --> 00:58:47,440
You ever see
the first bicycle ever made?
1037
00:58:47,941 --> 00:58:49,984
I don't know how to make anything.
1038
00:58:50,068 --> 00:58:53,363
But I know you don't take
the smallest wheel you can find
1039
00:58:53,446 --> 00:58:54,948
and put that in the back…
1040
00:58:56,616 --> 00:58:58,451
and the biggest wheel on earth
1041
00:58:59,077 --> 00:59:00,453
and put that up front.
1042
00:59:00,537 --> 00:59:02,872
[laughter]
1043
00:59:02,956 --> 00:59:04,165
It's a bad bike.
1044
00:59:08,002 --> 00:59:10,380
You couldn't even get
in the seat by yourself.
1045
00:59:10,463 --> 00:59:15,009
Your friends had to fling you up there
by the ends of your handlebar mustache
1046
00:59:15,093 --> 00:59:16,928
and hope you landed on the seat.
1047
00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:20,056
And once you started peddling,
you couldn't stop.
1048
00:59:20,139 --> 00:59:22,058
You peddled 'til you died.
1049
00:59:22,850 --> 00:59:26,229
And that was okay, 'cause
your life expectancy in the good old days?
1050
00:59:26,312 --> 00:59:27,689
Twenty-eight years old!
1051
00:59:30,066 --> 00:59:33,945
Please. A horrible time to live.
Hospitals were a nightmare.
1052
00:59:34,028 --> 00:59:35,947
All they did was cut your leg off.
1053
00:59:36,739 --> 00:59:38,116
Didn't matter what you had.
1054
00:59:39,242 --> 00:59:42,870
Broken arm? The flu?
You walked in, you hopped back out.
1055
00:59:45,081 --> 00:59:49,669
No medicine. No medicine.
No Advil. Could you imagine?
1056
00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:52,714
A life without Advil. Oh!
1057
00:59:54,340 --> 00:59:57,969
Ever go to the cabinet
and realize you're out of Advil? Ah!
1058
00:59:59,012 --> 01:00:01,431
I just lay on the ground
and hope to die.
1059
01:00:03,933 --> 01:00:06,936
What're you gonna take?
That 12-year-old Benadryl from the back?
1060
01:00:09,147 --> 01:00:11,399
They had no TUMS. No TUMS!
1061
01:00:11,482 --> 01:00:14,027
You ate, got gassy and exploded.
1062
01:00:17,614 --> 01:00:19,324
These are the good old days.
1063
01:00:21,242 --> 01:00:24,245
Look at all your outfits. Look at
these beautiful fabrics you're wearing.
1064
01:00:24,329 --> 01:00:27,206
And I know you had options.
This isn't your only outfit.
1065
01:00:27,290 --> 01:00:30,501
No, not in the good old days.
One hard, woolen outfit.
1066
01:00:31,544 --> 01:00:34,339
Hard leather shoes
made out of pig livers.
1067
01:00:35,048 --> 01:00:36,799
And burlap underpants.
1068
01:00:37,300 --> 01:00:38,843
Burlap underpants.
1069
01:00:39,761 --> 01:00:41,638
Ever see
black-and-white pictures from back then?
1070
01:00:41,721 --> 01:00:44,182
They're all angry,
just staring at the camera.
1071
01:00:45,933 --> 01:00:49,395
Like, "What's wrong with those people?
Why were they so unhappy?"
1072
01:00:49,479 --> 01:00:50,772
Burlap underpants.
1073
01:00:54,108 --> 01:00:55,026
Awful.
1074
01:00:55,109 --> 01:00:56,152
[laughter, applause]
1075
01:00:59,989 --> 01:01:03,326
Come home, start playing video games.
Grand Theft Auto 3.
1076
01:01:03,409 --> 01:01:05,370
[cheering]
1077
01:01:05,453 --> 01:01:06,412
Fans of GTA.
1078
01:01:06,496 --> 01:01:08,998
First time in a video game
you could do anything you felt like.
1079
01:01:09,082 --> 01:01:10,583
You can do whatever the fuck.
1080
01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:14,128
Go steal guns. Steal a car. No worries.
1081
01:01:14,212 --> 01:01:17,965
Can run over people.
The police comes. You can kill the police.
1082
01:01:18,675 --> 01:01:21,511
Then they send the army,
which you can also kill.
1083
01:01:22,011 --> 01:01:26,224
And if, in the middle of that, by mistake,
if you die, you are just alive again.
1084
01:01:26,307 --> 01:01:29,560
In the hospital, but without guns.
Go back to stealing guns.
1085
01:01:32,647 --> 01:01:34,357
But it was too much freedom
1086
01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:36,359
for my mentality at the time.
1087
01:01:37,235 --> 01:01:40,488
"You can do anything."
"Yes, but what are you supposed to do?"
1088
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:44,409
"Anything! Go wild."
"Yes, but what is the objective?"
1089
01:01:46,869 --> 01:01:50,081
I looked it up and found out
exactly the shit you needed to do.
1090
01:01:50,164 --> 01:01:52,250
Did all that, finished the game.
1091
01:01:53,042 --> 01:01:55,920
End of the game, you get statistics,
which is how many times you've died,
1092
01:01:56,003 --> 01:01:57,505
how many people you've killed,
1093
01:01:58,005 --> 01:02:01,426
and a very interesting thing
called completion percentage.
1094
01:02:01,926 --> 01:02:05,054
And it said, "Completion percentage, 12%."
1095
01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:07,473
Huh?
1096
01:02:08,558 --> 01:02:11,644
I finished the game. That's a 100%.
1097
01:02:12,353 --> 01:02:14,981
No, no no. You've just reached the ending.
1098
01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:19,360
But you only did 12%
of all the things you could've done.
1099
01:02:21,028 --> 01:02:23,281
Well, fuck!
1100
01:02:24,615 --> 01:02:26,451
What if life is like that?
1101
01:02:27,660 --> 01:02:30,329
What if you die and go to the afterlife,
1102
01:02:30,413 --> 01:02:32,081
and they give you a report card?
1103
01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:34,625
"Three percent?"
1104
01:02:37,253 --> 01:02:39,338
"You didn't do any of the side missions."
1105
01:02:40,923 --> 01:02:42,049
"Like-- like what?"
1106
01:02:42,842 --> 01:02:45,052
"Like, see here at a party?
Someone gave you a joint.
1107
01:02:45,136 --> 01:02:46,929
You said, 'No, thanks.' Fifteen percent."
1108
01:02:48,055 --> 01:02:49,140
"All right, then."
1109
01:02:52,935 --> 01:02:54,979
"You loved someone.
You wanted to tell them.
1110
01:02:55,062 --> 01:02:57,148
Instead, you said, 'Ah! Bye.
1111
01:02:58,900 --> 01:03:00,276
It was a dare!'"
1112
01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:04,781
It wasn't a dare.
1113
01:03:04,864 --> 01:03:06,866
[laughter]
1114
01:03:10,828 --> 01:03:11,662
[chuckles]
1115
01:03:11,746 --> 01:03:14,665
My granddaddy
used to love to watch wrestling.
1116
01:03:14,749 --> 01:03:18,544
He had this thing about Black wrestlers
beating the shit out of white wrestlers.
1117
01:03:18,628 --> 01:03:20,880
Like, like Thunderbolt Patterson?
1118
01:03:20,963 --> 01:03:23,132
He would scream at the TV
when Thunderbolt Patterson
1119
01:03:23,216 --> 01:03:26,552
was beating the shit out of
somebody white. "Kill that cracker!"
1120
01:03:27,595 --> 01:03:30,348
And I'd be sitting next to him,
"Kill that cracker!"
1121
01:03:30,848 --> 01:03:34,185
I had no fucking clue you white people
was supposed to be crackers.
1122
01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:37,980
So when I got older, I wanted to go see
a match on my own, y'all.
1123
01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:41,067
So I'm at--I'm at Peachtree downtown.
1124
01:03:41,150 --> 01:03:43,861
[chuckles]
1125
01:03:43,945 --> 01:03:46,823
I go--I go to this-- I'm on my way
to the wrestling match,
1126
01:03:46,906 --> 01:03:49,784
and I stop at a Marriott hotel
to call my brother, like,
1127
01:03:49,867 --> 01:03:52,119
"Hurry the fuck up.
We gonna miss the goddamn match."
1128
01:03:52,203 --> 01:03:55,373
He's like, "I'm on my way." So,
I hang up the phone, but I look up,
1129
01:03:55,456 --> 01:03:57,667
and this white man is staring at me.
1130
01:03:57,750 --> 01:04:01,420
He was like, "Hey, how you doing?"
I'm like, "Hey, how you doing?"
1131
01:04:02,421 --> 01:04:04,632
He was like, "You wanna go
to my room with me?"
1132
01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:05,842
I'm like, "Okay."
1133
01:04:05,925 --> 01:04:08,135
[laughter]
1134
01:04:08,219 --> 01:04:11,055
I ain't never been
to a Marriott hotel before.
1135
01:04:12,723 --> 01:04:14,517
Especially not in their room.
1136
01:04:15,810 --> 01:04:18,062
He opened the door, y'all,
and the first thing I noticed,
1137
01:04:18,145 --> 01:04:19,480
he had fuckin' air conditioning.
1138
01:04:19,564 --> 01:04:21,315
We didn't have that
when we were coming up.
1139
01:04:21,399 --> 01:04:24,277
We had that one fan
that my momma kept in front of her pussy,
1140
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:26,946
and it blew her pussy
all through the house all day.
1141
01:04:28,281 --> 01:04:31,033
Like, "Can someone tell momma
her pussy stank today?"
1142
01:04:35,037 --> 01:04:37,498
He go over to the little refrigerator
in the hotel room.
1143
01:04:37,582 --> 01:04:40,585
He opened the door, ya'll,
and he gave me a real Coca-Cola.
1144
01:04:40,668 --> 01:04:43,546
At this time in my life,
I had never had a real Coca-Cola.
1145
01:04:43,629 --> 01:04:46,549
Colas, and maybe Kool-Aid,
but not Coca-Cola.
1146
01:04:46,632 --> 01:04:48,926
I was so fucking excited,
I popped that shit,
1147
01:04:49,010 --> 01:04:50,678
and I drunk it in one swallow.
1148
01:04:50,761 --> 01:04:52,722
He walked me over to the bed.
He don't say shit.
1149
01:04:52,805 --> 01:04:55,308
He just unzipped his pants
and take out his white dick.
1150
01:04:55,391 --> 01:04:57,602
And I had never seen
a white dick before, ya'll.
1151
01:04:57,685 --> 01:05:00,938
And white dicks
look like an uncooked chicken leg to me.
1152
01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:03,024
[screaming, laughter]
1153
01:05:09,155 --> 01:05:13,492
[laughs] Look at all the white dudes,
like, "What the fuck's she talking about?"
1154
01:05:14,577 --> 01:05:16,037
[laughs]
1155
01:05:16,120 --> 01:05:19,123
And he wrapped my hand around.
He made me go up and down
1156
01:05:19,206 --> 01:05:20,750
and up and down.
1157
01:05:20,833 --> 01:05:24,128
And I'm thinking to myself,
"Is this how white people barbecue?
1158
01:05:26,005 --> 01:05:29,050
'Cause this chicken leg
needs some fucking seasoning salt."
1159
01:05:30,551 --> 01:05:34,221
About five minutes in, something came out
of the chicken leg, y'all.
1160
01:05:34,805 --> 01:05:37,308
So he took it out of my hand,
and he wiped my hand off,
1161
01:05:37,391 --> 01:05:38,768
and he gave me $100.
1162
01:05:38,851 --> 01:05:41,395
I'm like, "Sir,
are you gon to be here tomorrow?"
1163
01:05:41,479 --> 01:05:43,272
[laughter]
1164
01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:50,029
That was a lot of fuckin' money
for an 11-year old.
1165
01:05:50,112 --> 01:05:51,030
[groaning]
1166
01:05:54,450 --> 01:05:56,118
Oh, fuck you, white people!
1167
01:05:57,662 --> 01:06:01,290
That's more money than
your lemonade stands ever fuckin' made.
1168
01:06:04,919 --> 01:06:09,215
You ain't never made that kind of money
at your shitty-ass lemonade stand.
1169
01:06:10,257 --> 01:06:14,220
Fuck ya'll. That white man
was creating jobs in the Black community.
1170
01:06:14,303 --> 01:06:16,305
[laughter]
1171
01:06:20,184 --> 01:06:22,645
I like people in their 20s and 30s.
They just don't get it yet.
1172
01:06:22,728 --> 01:06:25,690
People in their 20s and 30s,
"Let's get fucked up!
1173
01:06:25,773 --> 01:06:28,734
You want to get fucked up?
Yeah! Let's get fucked up!"
1174
01:06:28,818 --> 01:06:31,904
No, I don't want
to get fucked up. I don't.
1175
01:06:31,988 --> 01:06:33,572
No, it's not fun.
1176
01:06:33,656 --> 01:06:37,785
I'm in my 50s.
I only feel good, like, two days a month.
1177
01:06:37,868 --> 01:06:39,537
[laughter]
1178
01:06:39,620 --> 01:06:41,747
Why would I want to fuck up one of those?
1179
01:06:43,165 --> 01:06:45,042
If I wanna get fucked up at my age,
1180
01:06:45,126 --> 01:06:46,961
I'll eat some cheese, you know?
1181
01:06:47,044 --> 01:06:48,629
[laughter, applause]
1182
01:06:48,713 --> 01:06:50,423
[retches]
1183
01:06:50,506 --> 01:06:52,258
[groans]
1184
01:06:52,341 --> 01:06:54,385
What kind of cheese was that?
1185
01:06:55,261 --> 01:06:57,763
Camembert with truffle flakes?
1186
01:06:57,847 --> 01:06:59,974
All right, it was worth it. But fuck.
1187
01:07:00,599 --> 01:07:02,018
I'm fucked up now.
1188
01:07:03,394 --> 01:07:05,563
My wife, for Christmas,
she got me a gym membership.
1189
01:07:05,646 --> 01:07:07,606
"Thank you, honey. Oh, thank you."
1190
01:07:09,275 --> 01:07:13,362
I know. I went over there, and I saw
these old guys. They were working out.
1191
01:07:13,446 --> 01:07:15,448
And um, they were ripped.
1192
01:07:16,198 --> 01:07:18,075
But it looks weird, you know?
1193
01:07:19,535 --> 01:07:20,953
I don't wanna get ripped, you know?
1194
01:07:21,037 --> 01:07:23,706
I just don't wanna look
like a complete piece of shit.
1195
01:07:23,789 --> 01:07:26,751
You know? That's the goal.
Give me that personal trainer.
1196
01:07:26,834 --> 01:07:29,462
The not complete piece of shit
personal trainer.
1197
01:07:29,545 --> 01:07:33,007
So I'm looking at these old guys,
and they're, like, ripped, you know?
1198
01:07:33,090 --> 01:07:35,676
But it looked weird.
Something was off.
1199
01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:38,179
I was like, "What, is it the--"
Then I figured it out.
1200
01:07:38,262 --> 01:07:40,681
You're not supposed to be ripped
when you're old.
1201
01:07:41,307 --> 01:07:43,809
'Cause your skin gets stretched too thin.
1202
01:07:43,893 --> 01:07:45,728
It's like, "Look how ripped I am."
1203
01:07:45,811 --> 01:07:47,813
"Yeah, but I can see your heart.
1204
01:07:49,482 --> 01:07:50,649
Put on your shirt.
1205
01:07:51,358 --> 01:07:52,777
You're grossing me out."
1206
01:07:55,863 --> 01:07:59,075
But uh, my favorite part
of being married is my wife deciding
1207
01:07:59,158 --> 01:08:00,743
what I don't need anymore, you know?
1208
01:08:00,826 --> 01:08:04,246
[in Mexican accent] "This doesn't fit.
This looks like shit. Can't wear this."
1209
01:08:04,330 --> 01:08:06,624
She's not Mexican.
It's just more fun to do that voice.
1210
01:08:06,707 --> 01:08:09,543
[laughs] More fun. More fun.
1211
01:08:09,627 --> 01:08:13,923
She could be Mexican. I'm not sure.
I have my suspicions. I'm not 100% sure.
1212
01:08:14,006 --> 01:08:17,093
"You don't wear this anymore.
This doesn't fit anymore."
1213
01:08:17,176 --> 01:08:20,971
My wife threw away all my sweatpants.
Threw it away.
1214
01:08:21,055 --> 01:08:25,226
-"Why'd you throw away all my sweatpants?"
-"Because sweatpants, they lie to you.
1215
01:08:25,309 --> 01:08:27,436
They are liars, the sweatpants.
1216
01:08:27,937 --> 01:08:30,314
You don't know how fat you're getting.
1217
01:08:30,397 --> 01:08:34,401
You don't know. 'Til one day,
both strings just disappear.
1218
01:08:35,903 --> 01:08:37,655
Then you are a fat fuck.
1219
01:08:38,739 --> 01:08:40,783
It's too late. I threw them away."
1220
01:08:43,994 --> 01:08:47,540
She's right, though. Let me tell you,
if you're in your 50s, and you're a guy,
1221
01:08:47,623 --> 01:08:50,751
it's dangerous wearing sweatpants.
It is. It's dangerous.
1222
01:08:50,835 --> 01:08:53,546
Because it's way too easy
to just whip out your dick.
1223
01:08:55,673 --> 01:08:57,883
I found myself whipping out my dick.
1224
01:08:57,967 --> 01:08:59,969
I wasn't even halfway to the bathroom.
1225
01:09:03,973 --> 01:09:06,433
And then I get distracted by something.
1226
01:09:14,316 --> 01:09:17,361
Then I hear my wife yelling,
"What are you doing with your dick out?
1227
01:09:17,444 --> 01:09:19,405
You're not even in the bathroom yet."
1228
01:09:19,947 --> 01:09:21,323
I was like, "Hey…
1229
01:09:21,740 --> 01:09:24,410
I didn't even realize
the Olive Garden had a salad bar."
1230
01:09:24,493 --> 01:09:26,495
[laughter]
1231
01:09:28,831 --> 01:09:30,875
I don't know.
I'm not a good feminist, though.
1232
01:09:30,958 --> 01:09:32,918
I'm still listening to R. Kelly.
1233
01:09:35,254 --> 01:09:38,966
I kind of forgot how good that music was
'til that documentary came out.
1234
01:09:41,010 --> 01:09:43,679
People are freaking out. Like,
"What are we gonna do with his music?"
1235
01:09:43,762 --> 01:09:47,725
I'm like, "Look, obviously, I'm not gonna
support anything new that he puts out.
1236
01:09:48,517 --> 01:09:50,186
Unless it's great."
1237
01:09:50,269 --> 01:09:52,271
[chuckles]
1238
01:09:53,189 --> 01:09:56,400
Honestly, though, all his old music,
that's all grandfathered in.
1239
01:09:59,069 --> 01:10:00,988
Look, if you're not listening
to that music,
1240
01:10:01,071 --> 01:10:03,616
it's like
he fucked those kids for nothing.
1241
01:10:03,699 --> 01:10:05,701
[audience groaning]
1242
01:10:07,745 --> 01:10:09,997
Hey guys, look, you… [laughs]
1243
01:10:12,124 --> 01:10:15,920
You may not support the war,
but you always support the soldiers.
1244
01:10:16,003 --> 01:10:17,713
[cheering]
1245
01:10:17,796 --> 01:10:19,048
Oh man!
1246
01:10:21,800 --> 01:10:23,886
Those girls served this country. [laughs]
1247
01:10:25,137 --> 01:10:28,098
Yeah, I think they should have
the same rights as veterans.
1248
01:10:28,974 --> 01:10:32,770
They should be able to go
to school for free, board the plane first.
1249
01:10:33,729 --> 01:10:36,857
Why are we letting
your grandmothers board the plane first?
1250
01:10:37,441 --> 01:10:39,151
They've done nothing for us.
1251
01:10:39,652 --> 01:10:42,947
Those girls are the reason why
we have the remix to "Ignition."
1252
01:10:43,030 --> 01:10:45,032
[cheering, laughter]
1253
01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:51,205
Oh, man. Did you watch
the documentary, though?
1254
01:10:51,288 --> 01:10:52,122
[audience] Yeah!
1255
01:10:52,206 --> 01:10:55,042
I didn't know he was having sex with kids
and keeping them in his house.
1256
01:10:55,125 --> 01:10:58,212
You're like, "Kelly, catch and release.
1257
01:10:59,880 --> 01:11:03,467
You can't have the whole
JV basketball team in your basement."
1258
01:11:04,760 --> 01:11:07,263
They're like,
"We're losing a lot of games.
1259
01:11:07,888 --> 01:11:09,682
Where are the point guards?"
1260
01:11:10,683 --> 01:11:12,768
I don't know. I think
he was just having sex with kids
1261
01:11:12,851 --> 01:11:14,979
'cause they were
at the same reading level.
1262
01:11:19,608 --> 01:11:22,319
Look, I don't care
if you guys laugh at that or not. [laughs]
1263
01:11:23,737 --> 01:11:25,781
I was ignored my whole childhood.
1264
01:11:26,282 --> 01:11:29,535
Yeah. I would've loved
to have been at R. Kelly's house.
1265
01:11:31,078 --> 01:11:34,581
Oh my God. There would've been
so many kids to play with.
1266
01:11:36,792 --> 01:11:40,713
Oh man. What a sick game of tag
that would have been. [laughs]
1267
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:45,426
I don't know though, R. Kelly's a guy
that put out a song
1268
01:11:45,509 --> 01:11:48,762
called "I Believe I Can Fly."
Like, if he thought he could fly,
1269
01:11:48,846 --> 01:11:52,182
he definitely thought he could
fuck some kids and get away with it.
1270
01:11:56,854 --> 01:11:57,980
The harmonium.
1271
01:11:59,898 --> 01:12:01,233
[mimics explosion]
1272
01:12:01,317 --> 01:12:02,985
It just appeared! [laughs]
1273
01:12:04,028 --> 01:12:07,239
Oh man. The harmonium
is such a depressing instrument.
1274
01:12:08,198 --> 01:12:11,827
And you can't hate it also.
It looks like an old uncle with asthma.
1275
01:12:11,910 --> 01:12:13,912
[coughs]
1276
01:12:15,748 --> 01:12:19,668
The guitar's like a young teenager. Like,
"Yeah, let's do drugs, bro. Come on."
1277
01:12:20,169 --> 01:12:23,088
Harmonium is like,
"If you can just drop me to the temple…"
1278
01:12:27,301 --> 01:12:29,094
[audience cheers]
1279
01:12:29,887 --> 01:12:31,972
It's the first time someone got excited…
1280
01:12:32,973 --> 01:12:35,559
by seeing someone
approach a harmonium. That never--
1281
01:12:35,642 --> 01:12:37,728
It's usually the soundtrack of a funeral.
1282
01:12:38,687 --> 01:12:39,897
The harmonium is great.
1283
01:12:39,980 --> 01:12:42,149
It doesn't need electricity,
by the way, to run.
1284
01:12:42,232 --> 01:12:43,734
It's eco-friendly, so…
1285
01:12:44,401 --> 01:12:48,322
It's also poverty-proof.
You can't complain to the government.
1286
01:12:48,405 --> 01:12:51,658
You can't be like, "We can't pursue arts
'cause there's no electricity at home."
1287
01:12:51,742 --> 01:12:54,286
The government is like, "Harmonium."
1288
01:12:55,496 --> 01:12:59,249
Western instruments use electricity,
like electric guitar, electric piano.
1289
01:12:59,333 --> 01:13:02,419
"Ma'am, can I use an electric guitar?"
She said, "No. You'll get shocked."
1290
01:13:02,920 --> 01:13:03,879
What?
1291
01:13:03,962 --> 01:13:06,632
And uh, it's--it's also very interesting
how it's made.
1292
01:13:06,715 --> 01:13:08,634
It's made out of wood and depression.
1293
01:13:10,010 --> 01:13:14,890
So-- And it's the only instrument
which sounds like the word "no."
1294
01:13:17,059 --> 01:13:18,977
Like it's "no" in every scale.
1295
01:13:19,895 --> 01:13:23,440
So I used to ask my teacher, "Can I play
the guitar today?" She used to be like…
1296
01:13:23,524 --> 01:13:25,526
[long note plays]
1297
01:13:25,609 --> 01:13:27,111
[laughter, applause]
1298
01:13:30,155 --> 01:13:32,116
How can anything good come from that?
1299
01:13:33,951 --> 01:13:36,829
And not just in English,
in any language. Like…
1300
01:13:36,912 --> 01:13:40,874
♪ Nahi ♪
1301
01:13:40,958 --> 01:13:45,212
It's amazing. I could start crying,
and you would not make out the difference.
1302
01:13:45,295 --> 01:13:46,797
♪ Nahi ♪
1303
01:13:46,880 --> 01:13:48,882
[sobbing]
1304
01:13:50,259 --> 01:13:52,469
"What an alap!" No, he's crying.
1305
01:13:52,970 --> 01:13:54,471
He's crying.
1306
01:13:58,267 --> 01:14:01,186
-Will we disappoint you?
-Who knows?
1307
01:14:01,270 --> 01:14:04,189
We don't know.
We don't know what will happen.
1308
01:14:04,273 --> 01:14:05,649
No. Why, Thomas?
1309
01:14:05,732 --> 01:14:07,609
'Cause this is
a completely improvised show.
1310
01:14:07,693 --> 01:14:10,028
-What does that mean?
-[Middleditch] Everything's made up.
1311
01:14:10,112 --> 01:14:14,366
-What do you mean everything's made up?
-You say something. I say, "Yes, and…"
1312
01:14:15,826 --> 01:14:18,662
So if I say something like,
"These meatballs are really tasty…"
1313
01:14:18,745 --> 01:14:21,623
I go, "Yes, and they are made of meat."
1314
01:14:23,375 --> 01:14:25,502
-That's improv.
-And that is improv.
1315
01:14:33,010 --> 01:14:35,637
Please, man. I got fucked last time.
1316
01:14:36,763 --> 01:14:38,557
-[Schwartz] You did. You did get fucked.
-Yeah.
1317
01:14:39,349 --> 01:14:41,518
Okay, so you know what it's like.
You can do it again.
1318
01:14:42,102 --> 01:14:43,187
I know.
1319
01:14:43,270 --> 01:14:45,272
You don't know
if he's going to make us fuck.
1320
01:14:45,355 --> 01:14:47,524
-Yeah, so turn around.
-Go for it.
1321
01:14:48,901 --> 01:14:50,527
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. One.
1322
01:14:50,611 --> 01:14:51,820
-One and done?
-That's it.
1323
01:14:51,904 --> 01:14:54,239
-It goes rock, scissors, paper, shoot.
-Okay.
1324
01:14:54,323 --> 01:14:56,200
-Whoa, is that what you're gonna do?
-No.
1325
01:14:57,910 --> 01:15:00,370
-[Middleditch] Okay.
-Ready? Here we go. I know what you'll do.
1326
01:15:00,454 --> 01:15:02,414
-Okay.
-[Schwartz] 'Cause of what you threw down.
1327
01:15:03,457 --> 01:15:05,250
-I'm almost certain I can get this.
-Okay.
1328
01:15:05,834 --> 01:15:08,795
-I'm 100% certain I'm going to beat you.
-Okay.
1329
01:15:08,879 --> 01:15:10,797
In real life.
I really think I'll beat you.
1330
01:15:11,507 --> 01:15:13,175
-Okay. Yeah.
-[Schwartz] For real.
1331
01:15:13,258 --> 01:15:16,136
-I'm so certain.
-I actually think you will, too.
1332
01:15:17,763 --> 01:15:20,140
-Because I think I'm in your head a bit.
-[Middleditch] Yeah.
1333
01:15:20,224 --> 01:15:23,477
-[Schwartz] Okay, ready?
-Which is why I'm gonna get fucked.
1334
01:15:24,770 --> 01:15:27,105
We're animals.
We're not people fucking each other.
1335
01:15:27,189 --> 01:15:31,485
-And it's consent and everything.
-Yeah, this is two gazelles consenting
1336
01:15:31,568 --> 01:15:32,986
who gets to fuck who
1337
01:15:33,070 --> 01:15:35,447
via a one-and-done
rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
1338
01:15:36,073 --> 01:15:36,990
Ready?
1339
01:15:37,491 --> 01:15:39,785
-[Middleditch] All right.
-I know you're gonna lose.
1340
01:15:40,452 --> 01:15:42,079
-I for real know.
-I think so, too.
1341
01:15:43,580 --> 01:15:45,123
And I don't know why I'm scared.
1342
01:15:45,207 --> 01:15:48,544
-It doesn't matter.
-No. This has no consequence.
1343
01:15:48,627 --> 01:15:51,213
It will be recorded forever,
so if you lose, everybody knows.
1344
01:15:51,296 --> 01:15:53,549
Everybody knows I'm shit
at rock, paper, scissors.
1345
01:15:53,632 --> 01:15:54,967
You can change your answer.
1346
01:15:55,050 --> 01:15:57,427
I'll change mine if you change yours.
Tell me if you're gonna.
1347
01:15:58,136 --> 01:16:00,305
-No.
-Neither was I, you fuckin' idiot.
1348
01:16:02,349 --> 01:16:03,433
-Ready?
-Yeah.
1349
01:16:03,517 --> 01:16:05,519
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
1350
01:16:09,940 --> 01:16:11,149
Thanks! That's our show.
1351
01:16:12,150 --> 01:16:14,027
Thank you, New York City.
You've been the best.
1352
01:16:14,111 --> 01:16:16,071
-Thanks a lot, you guys.
-Thank you very much.
1353
01:16:16,154 --> 01:16:18,115
Thank you. Gracias.
1354
01:16:18,198 --> 01:16:23,203
You guys have made
this special fucking special!
1355
01:16:23,287 --> 01:16:25,122
Ya'll were dope as fuck.
Have a good night.
1356
01:16:25,205 --> 01:16:27,249
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen!
1357
01:16:27,332 --> 01:16:29,126
-Thank you so much.
-Thanks, everybody.
1358
01:16:29,209 --> 01:16:31,211
[upbeat music fades out]