1 00:00:01,957 --> 00:00:03,959 Vicki. Vicki, come in! 2 00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:06,005 Vicki. 3 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:06,919 This is fun. 4 00:00:06,962 --> 00:00:08,703 Where are we going? 5 00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:11,010 Vicki! Vicki! 6 00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:12,055 Vicki, come in! 7 00:00:12,098 --> 00:00:13,360 Vicki, do you copy? 8 00:00:13,404 --> 00:00:15,145 Shit, her signal's dead. 9 00:00:15,188 --> 00:00:17,321 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 10 00:00:17,364 --> 00:00:20,106 Okay, Checkers, looks like Vicki is forcing us 11 00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,542 to go with plan B. 12 00:00:21,586 --> 00:00:23,109 And I'm not talking about the morning-after pill, 13 00:00:23,153 --> 00:00:25,677 which I have used several times after one night stands 14 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,853 and a few times with long-term relationships 15 00:00:27,896 --> 00:00:28,941 in which I just wasn't ready 16 00:00:28,984 --> 00:00:30,203 to make that kind of commitment yet. 17 00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:32,205 But no, the other plan B, 18 00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:34,120 an alternate plan to plan A, 19 00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:35,861 which Vicki just fucking torpedoed 20 00:00:35,904 --> 00:00:37,123 like a Russian U-boat. 21 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:38,298 Right. 22 00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:39,560 Ooh, driving fast. 23 00:00:39,604 --> 00:00:40,909 Got her. 24 00:00:40,953 --> 00:00:42,476 They're in a black SUV heading east on Bayshore. 25 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,913 Shit, Checkers, meet at the Miata, stat! 26 00:00:52,182 --> 00:00:54,749 Vicky, Vicky, do you copy? 27 00:00:54,793 --> 00:00:56,011 Do you copy? 28 00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:57,187 Vicky, do you copy? 29 00:00:57,230 --> 00:00:58,275 Oh, thank God. 30 00:00:58,318 --> 00:01:00,103 I copy. 31 00:01:00,146 --> 00:01:01,408 Sorry, I just 32 00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:02,801 have to clear my throat. 33 00:01:02,844 --> 00:01:03,889 Oh, gotcha, Vicki! 34 00:01:03,932 --> 00:01:05,499 Okay, look, we lost your 20. 35 00:01:05,543 --> 00:01:08,676 So any information you could sneak us would be a big help. 36 00:01:10,591 --> 00:01:13,203 ♪ Going down the street 37 00:01:13,246 --> 00:01:15,596 ♪ Going straight, straight, straight ♪ 38 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:19,513 ♪ And left, left, left, and straight again ♪ 39 00:01:19,557 --> 00:01:21,167 Keep it down back there. 40 00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:22,429 Sorry. 41 00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:25,563 I get carsick if I don't sing to myself 42 00:01:25,606 --> 00:01:27,347 in an American accent. 43 00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:28,740 Doing a great job, Vick. 44 00:01:28,783 --> 00:01:31,830 But can you give us anything more specific? 45 00:01:31,873 --> 00:01:33,266 ♪ The road's got a lump 46 00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:34,746 ♪ And a bump and a thumpity-thump ♪ 47 00:01:34,789 --> 00:01:37,792 ♪ And we hit a gravel patch, y'all ♪ 48 00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:39,925 ♪ So I think it's only natural ♪ 49 00:01:39,968 --> 00:01:42,754 ♪ To assume we're off the main road ♪ 50 00:01:42,797 --> 00:01:43,885 Gravel road? 51 00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:45,104 She must've left downtown. 52 00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:46,279 All right, that's great, Vick. 53 00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:47,933 You're in silver medal territory, 54 00:01:47,976 --> 00:01:50,022 but we're going for the gold. 55 00:01:50,065 --> 00:01:51,371 Got it. 56 00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:54,461 ♪ And when you cross the train tracks ♪ 57 00:01:54,505 --> 00:01:57,638 ♪ And you hear that crunching metal ♪ 58 00:01:57,682 --> 00:02:03,209 ♪ That's the end of the road for us ♪ 59 00:02:03,253 --> 00:02:05,124 ♪ Us 60 00:02:06,212 --> 00:02:08,214 ♪ 'Cause we stopped 61 00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:09,172 I know where she is. 62 00:02:09,215 --> 00:02:10,260 Nice, Checkers. 63 00:02:10,303 --> 00:02:12,000 Vicki, we're on our way. 64 00:02:16,396 --> 00:02:17,571 There's only one active rail line 65 00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:19,051 near the old wrecking yard. 66 00:02:19,094 --> 00:02:20,879 This has to be the place. 67 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:24,970 Bingo. 68 00:02:25,013 --> 00:02:26,711 They must've already taken her inside. 69 00:02:26,754 --> 00:02:28,016 Shit! 70 00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:29,322 All right, Checkers. 71 00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:31,019 Time to pump the bump. 72 00:02:31,063 --> 00:02:34,240 MacGruber, we have no idea what we're up against in there. 73 00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:35,807 I think it's time to call the cavalry. 74 00:02:35,850 --> 00:02:37,504 Checkers... 75 00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:40,812 we are the fucking cavalry. 76 00:02:42,379 --> 00:02:44,250 I overextended it. Hang on. 77 00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:45,904 Let me get the key in here. 78 00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:13,192 ♪ MacGruber 79 00:03:19,024 --> 00:03:20,852 Dr. Poliskaya. 80 00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:23,637 It is a pleasure to finally meet you. 81 00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:27,119 And a very pleasure 82 00:03:27,162 --> 00:03:29,904 to meet you, Mr. 83 00:03:29,948 --> 00:03:33,256 I've been such a fan of yours since Oslo. 84 00:03:35,170 --> 00:03:37,434 Oslo. 85 00:03:40,219 --> 00:03:43,178 Well, we should probably get to work. 86 00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:45,311 Great. Let me show you to the lab. 87 00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:49,315 Vicki, we made it inside. 88 00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:51,448 Look, this may be your last chance. 89 00:03:51,491 --> 00:03:53,624 We can provide cover fire, okay? 90 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,409 So just make a break for it and head for us. 91 00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,846 We're roughly, like, 10 feet above you, right? 92 00:03:58,890 --> 00:04:01,327 At your, like, 7:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. 93 00:04:01,371 --> 00:04:02,981 No, no, no, no, no, like, 6:00 a.m.? 94 00:04:03,024 --> 00:04:05,636 So 7:00 a.m. Mountain Standard Time. 95 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,159 No, Checkers, would you say this is 7:00? 96 00:04:07,202 --> 00:04:08,378 We're upstairs. 97 00:04:08,421 --> 00:04:10,293 Checkers, don't confuse her! 98 00:04:10,336 --> 00:04:12,077 Vicki, I am so sorry about him. 99 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,428 So, like, 7:00-ish and maybe 12 feet. 100 00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,082 Wait, wait, wait, Vicki! 101 00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,171 Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! 102 00:04:19,214 --> 00:04:21,260 Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! 103 00:04:21,304 --> 00:04:23,131 Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! 104 00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:24,872 Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! 105 00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:26,309 Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! 106 00:04:26,352 --> 00:04:27,571 Vicki, Vicki--shit! 107 00:04:27,614 --> 00:04:29,050 She turned off her ear thingy. 108 00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:30,225 Oh, no, damn it! 109 00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:31,357 Nice going, Checkers! 110 00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:32,619 Sorry. 111 00:04:32,663 --> 00:04:33,968 I think you'll find that everything 112 00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:36,667 is exactly to your specifications. 113 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,059 Yes. 114 00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:40,714 I very hope it's acceptable. 115 00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,369 Mm-hmm. 116 00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:46,546 Ah, little refrigerator. 117 00:04:47,895 --> 00:04:50,463 Nope. Hmm. Something else. 118 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:56,295 These are good for looking at small things. 119 00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,515 Mm-hmm. 120 00:04:58,558 --> 00:05:02,345 Use a lot of cabinets for my... 121 00:05:02,388 --> 00:05:04,172 tubes. 122 00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:06,349 Ah, this is... 123 00:05:06,392 --> 00:05:08,002 missing, um, s-- 124 00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:09,700 oh! 125 00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,528 There it is. 126 00:05:13,007 --> 00:05:16,359 Then I guess we are, as you say, 127 00:05:16,402 --> 00:05:20,493 very...set to jet. 128 00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,365 Shit. What's the play here? 129 00:05:22,408 --> 00:05:23,757 What's the fucking play? 130 00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:25,280 Maybe we just stand down. 131 00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:26,543 It looks like it's working. 132 00:05:26,586 --> 00:05:28,501 What happens when she destroys Brimstone? 133 00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:29,633 They'll kill her! 134 00:05:29,676 --> 00:05:30,938 I know this is difficult, 135 00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:33,898 but like you said, Vicki's a soldier. 136 00:05:33,941 --> 00:05:35,203 This is her call. 137 00:05:42,210 --> 00:05:43,211 No! 138 00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:44,387 MacGruber! 139 00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:46,954 Where are you going? 140 00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:48,391 Shit. 141 00:05:48,434 --> 00:05:51,437 So where is the item? 142 00:05:51,481 --> 00:05:53,221 I thought you'd never ask. 143 00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:22,425 Freeze! 144 00:06:22,468 --> 00:06:23,600 Make one more move 145 00:06:23,643 --> 00:06:25,471 and I'll blow your fucking hands off 146 00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:27,430 and then use the remaining bullets 147 00:06:27,473 --> 00:06:28,909 to explode your fucking head! 148 00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:31,912 Put your fucking hands up, woman! 149 00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:35,263 And not a move from anyone else. 150 00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:38,832 Hello, Lon, Baker, Bex, 151 00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:41,879 other assorted pieces of fucking shit. 152 00:06:41,922 --> 00:06:44,403 That woman is not who you think she is. 153 00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:48,799 She's not a Russian scientist, but rather an American soldier. 154 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,757 That man is insane. 155 00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:54,065 He does not know what he's talking about. 156 00:06:54,108 --> 00:06:56,720 Her sole intention is to get ahold of Brimstone 157 00:06:56,763 --> 00:06:57,938 and destroy it. 158 00:06:57,982 --> 00:06:59,418 And unless you want that to happen, 159 00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:01,942 you will do exactly as I say. 160 00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:06,294 Now, Lon, slowly raise your gun and point it at Vicki's head. 161 00:07:08,383 --> 00:07:09,950 Point your gun at her head 162 00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:12,475 or I will shoot her in the head! 163 00:07:12,518 --> 00:07:15,129 Slowly. Good boy. 164 00:07:15,173 --> 00:07:16,435 Nice job. 165 00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:18,481 Now, if she so much as breathes 166 00:07:18,524 --> 00:07:20,047 in the direction of that canister, 167 00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:22,528 you empty those clips into her, all right? 168 00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:25,618 Hang on. BRB. 169 00:07:32,233 --> 00:07:33,147 All right. Jesus. 170 00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:34,322 Yeah, yeah. 171 00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:36,368 What's this here, you wonder. 172 00:07:36,411 --> 00:07:38,979 This is the real Irina Poliskaya! 173 00:07:39,023 --> 00:07:41,547 Yeah, we were able to switch her out at the hotel. 174 00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:44,681 And you dumb pieces of shit had no idea. 175 00:07:44,724 --> 00:07:47,771 Yeah, we fucking pwned you so hard. 176 00:07:47,814 --> 00:07:50,295 Now I propose a little trade. 177 00:07:50,338 --> 00:07:52,515 So what do you say, you wanna let Vicki go? 178 00:07:52,558 --> 00:07:54,342 Continue Queeth's evil plan? 179 00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:56,301 Or you wanna kill Vicki 180 00:07:56,344 --> 00:07:58,999 and make me kill Irina and probably most of you, 181 00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:01,219 and then everyone's gotta go to a bunch of funerals? 182 00:08:01,262 --> 00:08:04,439 How do we know she's the real scientist? 183 00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:06,267 Say some fucking science shit. 184 00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:08,966 Weaponizing the compounds 185 00:08:09,009 --> 00:08:11,664 depends on the practical aerosolization, 186 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:16,190 which is synthesis of exactly 0.74 187 00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:17,757 microns per million. 188 00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,367 Checks out. 189 00:08:19,411 --> 00:08:21,674 Now you go. 190 00:08:21,718 --> 00:08:26,418 Cooking an egg is a science. 191 00:08:26,461 --> 00:08:29,856 Folding towels is a science. 192 00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:32,685 Okay, you can have her. 193 00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:35,079 Send over the real scientist first. 194 00:08:35,122 --> 00:08:36,471 No fucking way! 195 00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,909 You send Vicki first, then I send the scientist. 196 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,215 - No deal. - Fuck! 197 00:08:41,259 --> 00:08:43,261 Okay, same timesies? 198 00:08:43,304 --> 00:08:45,785 Fine, but if anything funny happens... 199 00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:47,395 She's dead. 200 00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:49,920 You took the words right out of my mouth. 201 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,965 I mean, I was literally about to say, 202 00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:54,664 "If anything funny happens, the scientist dies." 203 00:08:54,707 --> 00:08:56,622 I mean, it's not exactly the same, but same gist. 204 00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:58,363 Let's get on with this! 205 00:08:58,406 --> 00:09:00,800 Okay, so, ladies, let's start walking 206 00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:04,412 in three, two, one. 207 00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:05,588 Walk. 208 00:09:05,631 --> 00:09:07,459 He said, "Walk." 209 00:09:11,811 --> 00:09:13,291 You don't have to do this. 210 00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:14,292 Go to hell. 211 00:09:14,335 --> 00:09:16,076 Eat a toilet sandwich! 212 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,469 - What? - I don't know. 213 00:09:17,512 --> 00:09:20,385 Run, Vicki! 214 00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:25,608 Vicki, stay down! 215 00:09:25,651 --> 00:09:26,652 You're safe now! 216 00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:32,353 Oh, oh, oh! 217 00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:35,008 Checkers, Checkers, we're out of ammo! 218 00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,227 Where the hell are you? 219 00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:40,710 God damn it, Checkers, we're sitting ducks here! 220 00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:44,278 What's the fucking play here? 221 00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:47,673 Hey, Lon! 222 00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:49,675 You better check yourself! 223 00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:52,069 We got, uh, plenty of bullets over here! 224 00:09:52,112 --> 00:09:53,461 No, we don't! He's lying! 225 00:09:53,505 --> 00:09:55,028 Vicki! 226 00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:57,117 You're gonna believe her? 227 00:09:57,161 --> 00:10:00,512 A known liar who just lied to your face? 228 00:10:00,555 --> 00:10:02,949 Or are you gonna believe this? 229 00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:16,180 Kill them. 230 00:10:17,181 --> 00:10:20,488 Oh, fuck! 231 00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:22,229 We're gonna die! 232 00:10:23,404 --> 00:10:25,885 Checkers! 233 00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:32,413 Lon, no! 234 00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,720 Lon! Lon, no! 235 00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:35,939 Get in! 236 00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:44,512 Oh, my God, Checkers! 237 00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:45,688 Did you break my Club? 238 00:10:45,731 --> 00:10:47,690 Just get in the fucking car! 239 00:10:47,733 --> 00:10:49,169 It's my car, I'm driving! 240 00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:52,390 Jesus Christ! 241 00:10:52,433 --> 00:10:53,434 Ow! 242 00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,354 What the hell are you doing? 243 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:01,529 Oh, my God, MacGruber! 244 00:11:01,573 --> 00:11:04,707 Why are we going backwards? 245 00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:05,838 MacGruber, what are you doing? 246 00:11:05,882 --> 00:11:07,187 We should be going after Brimstone! 247 00:11:07,231 --> 00:11:08,754 Yeah, we can't let them escape! 248 00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:09,842 Relax. 249 00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:11,496 They're not going anywhere. 250 00:11:26,511 --> 00:11:29,557 They got a whirlybird. 251 00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,472 A helicopter. 252 00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:39,785 Shit. 253 00:11:51,797 --> 00:11:54,365 Thought we were gonna lose you there for a second. 254 00:11:54,408 --> 00:11:55,845 Glad you're okay. 255 00:11:57,847 --> 00:11:58,804 I'm out. 256 00:11:58,848 --> 00:11:59,892 Out? 257 00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:02,155 What--what do you mean "out"? 258 00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:03,548 I'm finished. I'm off the mission. 259 00:12:03,591 --> 00:12:06,116 But Vicki, we had them right where we want them. 260 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,334 Running scared. 261 00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:09,336 I almost had Brimstone! 262 00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:11,077 I almost stopped this entire thing! 263 00:12:11,121 --> 00:12:12,470 And you would've died! 264 00:12:12,513 --> 00:12:14,472 Yeah, and now millions of people are gonna die 265 00:12:14,515 --> 00:12:16,126 because you didn't let me do my job! 266 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,518 I couldn't let you do that. 267 00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:19,390 That wasn't your decision to make! 268 00:12:21,827 --> 00:12:23,524 No, I'm not gonna do this anymore. 269 00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:25,004 It's time to bring in the government. 270 00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:26,440 Oh, I see. 271 00:12:26,484 --> 00:12:28,747 So when the going gets tough, the tough run back 272 00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,575 to their floppy-dicked husbands. 273 00:12:30,618 --> 00:12:31,706 Okay, I am not gonna have you talk 274 00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:32,925 about my husband like that anymore. 275 00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:34,709 Come on, he's a friggin' dirty diaper 276 00:12:34,753 --> 00:12:36,842 with arms, legs, and half a brain. 277 00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:40,585 Barrett is a good man who is kind and decent 278 00:12:40,628 --> 00:12:42,108 and good at what he does. 279 00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:44,284 And you know what, unlike you, he actually listens to me. 280 00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:46,069 You could learn something from him. 281 00:12:46,112 --> 00:12:47,418 Well, look at that. 282 00:12:47,461 --> 00:12:49,550 I'm having déjà vu. 283 00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:50,595 What is that supposed to mean? 284 00:12:50,638 --> 00:12:52,379 It means you've left me before. 285 00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,773 And I remember how it feels. 286 00:12:54,817 --> 00:12:58,211 Sitting in prison, scared, lonely, 287 00:12:58,255 --> 00:13:01,258 and a man in a suit comes to deliver me divorce papers? 288 00:13:01,301 --> 00:13:02,694 Yeah, that was fun. 289 00:13:02,737 --> 00:13:05,349 You ended our marriage when you pointed at me 290 00:13:05,392 --> 00:13:07,568 during your murder trial and said, "She did it!" 291 00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:09,919 But you did do it, Vicki! 292 00:13:09,962 --> 00:13:12,443 You stole my heart and you aided and abetted 293 00:13:12,486 --> 00:13:14,662 in making me the happiest man on Earth. 294 00:13:14,706 --> 00:13:16,751 But they mistook my words as an accusation 295 00:13:16,795 --> 00:13:18,318 'cause it came so close to the question 296 00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:20,973 the judge had just asked about how I pleaded. 297 00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:24,803 Goodbye, MacGruber. 298 00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:28,676 You know what, Vicki? 299 00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:33,420 Maybe I was wrong about you. 300 00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:35,858 Maybe you are just a housewife. 301 00:13:39,687 --> 00:13:41,472 You know, for years, 302 00:13:41,515 --> 00:13:43,866 whenever anyone ever said anything bad about you-- 303 00:13:43,909 --> 00:13:45,215 and they did-- 304 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:48,044 I defended you. 305 00:13:48,087 --> 00:13:50,568 So maybe I was wrong about you. 306 00:13:50,611 --> 00:13:53,527 Maybe you have lost it. 307 00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:55,442 Heck, maybe you never had it in the first place. 308 00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:11,197 And then there were two. 309 00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:13,069 - I'm out. - Checkers, no! 310 00:14:13,112 --> 00:14:15,288 MacGruber, this whole operation has gone worse 311 00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:16,768 than I ever imagined. 312 00:14:16,811 --> 00:14:18,683 And I had imagined it going horribly. 313 00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:20,990 This is over. 314 00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:25,037 Checkers--sorry, Piper, Piper! 315 00:14:25,081 --> 00:14:26,952 Look, Piper. 316 00:14:26,996 --> 00:14:28,475 Please. 317 00:14:28,519 --> 00:14:30,390 Queeth destroyed my father. 318 00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:32,479 He killed my mother. 319 00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:35,830 You gotta help me stop him. 320 00:14:35,874 --> 00:14:37,963 Look, I can't do anything about your family. 321 00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:40,966 But if you love this country as much as you say you do, 322 00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,968 you'll go to Fasoose and tell him everything. 323 00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:44,796 But Vicki's already doing that. 324 00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:48,974 Then I guess I'll see her there. 325 00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:03,293 ♪ Once there was this kid 326 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:06,861 ♪ Who got into an accident 327 00:15:06,905 --> 00:15:08,994 ♪ And couldn't come to school ♪ 328 00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:14,695 ♪ But when he finally came back ♪ 329 00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:17,916 ♪ His hair 330 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,006 ♪ Had turned from black into bright white ♪ 331 00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:26,925 She was beautiful, wasn't she? 332 00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,579 She was. 333 00:15:28,622 --> 00:15:30,363 Hello, Father. 334 00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,887 Hello, son. 335 00:15:32,931 --> 00:15:35,455 ♪ Mmm mmm mmm mmm 336 00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:37,544 Didn't think I'd ever see you again. 337 00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:40,025 So you got my letter. 338 00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:41,635 I did. 339 00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,376 It was hard to read. 340 00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:47,032 Yeah, there was a lot of emotional stuff in there. 341 00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:50,035 No, I mean your handwriting was barely legible. 342 00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:51,167 Sounds like me. 343 00:15:59,436 --> 00:16:01,960 I miss her. 344 00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:03,614 I miss her too. 345 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:09,011 Daddy... 346 00:16:09,054 --> 00:16:11,100 do you think I'm good at what I do? 347 00:16:11,143 --> 00:16:12,884 Why? 348 00:16:12,927 --> 00:16:14,016 What's going on? 349 00:16:15,843 --> 00:16:20,413 Oh. 350 00:16:20,457 --> 00:16:21,632 What's wrong? 351 00:16:21,675 --> 00:16:22,633 I screwed up. 352 00:16:22,676 --> 00:16:24,417 I screwed up big-time! 353 00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:26,724 I basically gave the friggin' bad guys 354 00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:29,857 everything they need to destroy the fucking world! 355 00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:32,469 And now Piper and Vicki have left the mission. 356 00:16:32,512 --> 00:16:35,689 They even told me they think I've lost it. 357 00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:37,430 And I don't know. 358 00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,432 Maybe they're right. 359 00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:42,261 And the worst part about it... 360 00:16:42,305 --> 00:16:44,046 it's Queeth, Daddy. 361 00:16:44,089 --> 00:16:47,049 It's fucking Queeth! 362 00:16:47,092 --> 00:16:49,660 There, there. 363 00:16:49,703 --> 00:16:52,924 Let it all out. 364 00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:55,579 We'll get through this together. 365 00:16:58,147 --> 00:17:01,759 I just--you know, I always wanted to make you proud. 366 00:17:01,802 --> 00:17:03,630 But I failed. 367 00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:07,069 And I'm so sorry for letting you down. 368 00:17:07,112 --> 00:17:08,331 Look at me. 369 00:17:09,375 --> 00:17:10,768 Look at me. 370 00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:15,120 You never let me down. 371 00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:16,861 In fact... 372 00:17:16,904 --> 00:17:18,950 I always felt like I let you down. 373 00:17:18,993 --> 00:17:20,778 No. No. 374 00:17:20,821 --> 00:17:24,303 You lift me up higher than the highest mountaintop. 375 00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,000 Daddy, you're my hero. 376 00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:28,307 MacGruber, can I get real with you? 377 00:17:28,351 --> 00:17:31,136 Like, really, really real? 378 00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:34,792 You're my hero. 379 00:17:34,835 --> 00:17:37,099 And you always have been. 380 00:17:37,142 --> 00:17:38,143 What? 381 00:17:38,187 --> 00:17:40,493 You're my good boy. 382 00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:43,844 And I'm so proud to be your daddy. 383 00:17:43,888 --> 00:17:46,586 Well, I'm about to make you even prouder. 384 00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:47,805 What are you doing? 385 00:17:47,848 --> 00:17:49,633 I'm going after Queeth. 386 00:17:49,676 --> 00:17:52,331 No. No, please. It's too dangerous. 387 00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:53,767 I have to do something! 388 00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,029 Yes, you do! 389 00:17:55,073 --> 00:17:57,336 And I think you already know what it is. 390 00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:58,381 Turn yourself in. 391 00:17:58,424 --> 00:17:59,991 You know I can't do that! 392 00:18:00,034 --> 00:18:01,558 You have no other choice! 393 00:18:01,601 --> 00:18:02,689 What, you want me to just give up? 394 00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,038 You want Queeth to win? 395 00:18:04,082 --> 00:18:06,519 I want Queeth to burn in hell for eternity! 396 00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,217 Then why won't you let me do this? 397 00:18:08,260 --> 00:18:10,044 Because I already had to bury your mother, 398 00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:13,700 and I don't wanna bury you too. 399 00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:17,313 Turn yourself in, son. 400 00:18:17,356 --> 00:18:20,359 Only way I'll know Queeth can't get to my baby boy. 401 00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:25,364 Please do this. 402 00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:27,932 For me. 403 00:18:27,975 --> 00:18:29,063 For her. 404 00:18:37,289 --> 00:18:39,161 Okay. 405 00:18:39,204 --> 00:18:41,772 Okay. 406 00:18:41,815 --> 00:18:43,774 She would be so proud of you. 407 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,735 Now go be Daddy's little hero. 408 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:32,301 Hm. 409 00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:36,348 They say that the footsteps 410 00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,872 of the "Apollo" astronauts will stay there on the moon 411 00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:40,918 for 100 million years. 412 00:19:40,961 --> 00:19:43,225 And it makes you think, 413 00:19:43,268 --> 00:19:45,531 wonder where we'll be then. 414 00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:49,622 Guess you know why I'm here. 415 00:19:52,712 --> 00:19:54,584 Thought I'd save you the trouble. 416 00:19:59,197 --> 00:20:01,765 Shall we? 417 00:20:01,808 --> 00:20:03,288 Soldier! 418 00:20:07,597 --> 00:20:09,729 You know, Victoria and Dixon Piper 419 00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:11,340 paid me a visit earlier. 420 00:20:11,383 --> 00:20:14,299 They told me about how you led Queeth's team to the weapon. 421 00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:15,953 How you gave it up without a fight. 422 00:20:15,996 --> 00:20:18,695 How you personally put the enemy in a position 423 00:20:18,738 --> 00:20:20,392 to synthesize it. 424 00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:23,003 That's exactly what happened. 425 00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:26,093 They also told me... 426 00:20:26,137 --> 00:20:27,791 that you put yourself in harm's way, 427 00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:29,967 risked your own life to save Victoria's. 428 00:20:30,010 --> 00:20:31,142 Is that accurate? 429 00:20:31,185 --> 00:20:32,622 Yes. 430 00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:35,407 Mac, as a career military man, 431 00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:36,800 I'm forced to look at your actions 432 00:20:36,843 --> 00:20:39,411 as complete and utter insubordination. 433 00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:43,807 An offense which requires your immediate court-martial. 434 00:20:43,850 --> 00:20:45,374 But as a husband... 435 00:20:48,246 --> 00:20:50,204 I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 436 00:20:57,908 --> 00:20:59,083 Let's just call it even. 437 00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,218 Sir, I'm so sorry. 438 00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:06,612 I'd never forgive myself if I didn't ask, though. 439 00:21:06,656 --> 00:21:09,441 Is there any way I can be of service? 440 00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:11,225 - MacGruber-- - Look, I know I've been 441 00:21:11,269 --> 00:21:12,618 a bit of a loose cannon. 442 00:21:12,662 --> 00:21:14,359 But what if I was a tight cannon? 443 00:21:14,403 --> 00:21:16,230 Operating under your command 444 00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,363 in whatever capacity you see fit. 445 00:21:18,407 --> 00:21:20,147 Hell, I'd take you to the fucking prom 446 00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:21,366 if it helped bring down Queeth. 447 00:21:21,410 --> 00:21:22,846 I'm sorry, Mac. 448 00:21:25,544 --> 00:21:27,372 Fuck! 449 00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:31,245 You have any idea what it's like 450 00:21:31,289 --> 00:21:32,943 to see your mother's brains splatter 451 00:21:32,986 --> 00:21:35,467 all over your face and cake? 452 00:21:35,511 --> 00:21:37,556 Or what it's like to come back from deployment 453 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,298 to find your dad giving hand jobs to crack dealers 454 00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:42,866 for his next crack rock? 455 00:21:42,909 --> 00:21:45,521 Queeth fucking broke us! 456 00:21:45,564 --> 00:21:47,827 He broke us. 457 00:21:49,786 --> 00:21:51,048 Please! 458 00:21:51,091 --> 00:21:53,180 I'm begging you! 459 00:21:53,224 --> 00:21:56,009 I am fucking begging you. 460 00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:57,837 Please. 461 00:22:14,245 --> 00:22:15,638 I'll jack you off. 462 00:22:15,681 --> 00:22:17,335 Just right here. 463 00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:18,771 You can come on my face. 464 00:22:18,815 --> 00:22:20,425 All right? Is that what you want? 465 00:22:20,469 --> 00:22:21,644 Then I want it too. 466 00:22:21,687 --> 00:22:22,906 All right, come on, please. 467 00:22:22,949 --> 00:22:24,821 Come on, please. 468 00:22:24,864 --> 00:22:25,909 Come on me. 469 00:22:25,952 --> 00:22:27,127 Come on my face. 470 00:22:27,171 --> 00:22:29,434 Come on my face. 471 00:22:29,478 --> 00:22:31,741 - Hi, General! - Hey, yeah! Hey, Jerry. 472 00:22:31,784 --> 00:22:33,525 Why won't you just come on me? 473 00:22:33,569 --> 00:22:35,440 Good to see you. Good night. 474 00:22:37,486 --> 00:22:39,749 I'm begging you! 475 00:22:39,792 --> 00:22:41,228 Get up, Mac. 476 00:22:43,579 --> 00:22:45,407 You didn't get those from me. 477 00:22:49,585 --> 00:22:51,108 Queeth's location? 478 00:22:51,151 --> 00:22:52,457 It's a dead zone, and yet, 479 00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:54,590 there's a persistent heat signature that suggests 480 00:22:54,633 --> 00:22:57,723 the presence of anywhere from 50 to 100 hostiles. 481 00:22:57,767 --> 00:23:00,944 Tomorrow, we've scheduled a drone strike at 2100 hours. 482 00:23:03,555 --> 00:23:05,470 That's 9:00 p.m. 9:00 p.m., yep! 483 00:23:05,514 --> 00:23:07,559 Yes, yes. 9:00 p.m. 484 00:23:07,603 --> 00:23:09,431 Prime time. Sure, whatever. 485 00:23:09,474 --> 00:23:11,868 Listen, Mac, if you get yourself in there, 486 00:23:11,911 --> 00:23:13,565 Queeth's almost as good as yours. 487 00:23:13,609 --> 00:23:15,524 But that strike is gonna happen no matter what. 488 00:23:15,567 --> 00:23:18,744 We are not going to risk Queeth escaping a second time. 489 00:23:18,788 --> 00:23:19,919 You hear me? 490 00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:22,139 I don't know what to say, General. 491 00:23:22,182 --> 00:23:23,836 But if I did... 492 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,186 probably sound a lot like thank you. 493 00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:28,580 After everything that you've done for our country, 494 00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:31,278 the least we can do is offer you a chance 495 00:23:31,322 --> 00:23:33,280 to get some closure. 496 00:23:33,324 --> 00:23:35,108 I won't let you down. 497 00:24:42,524 --> 00:24:43,829 Hello, Vicki. 498 00:24:43,873 --> 00:24:45,831 - MacGruber, you shouldn't be-- - Vicki, wait. 499 00:24:45,875 --> 00:24:47,790 There are a few things I need to get off my chest, 500 00:24:47,833 --> 00:24:49,531 and I don't have much time. 501 00:24:51,054 --> 00:24:52,185 I'm listening. 502 00:24:52,229 --> 00:24:54,492 I need you to know... 503 00:24:54,536 --> 00:24:56,363 that I'm sorry. 504 00:24:56,407 --> 00:24:57,669 I mean, the only reason 505 00:24:57,713 --> 00:24:59,715 that I lied about you in court 506 00:24:59,758 --> 00:25:03,022 was 'cause I wanted you there in prison with me. 507 00:25:03,066 --> 00:25:06,025 Because I didn't know how to live without you. 508 00:25:08,637 --> 00:25:10,377 There are so many things I wish I could change 509 00:25:10,421 --> 00:25:12,510 about the past, but I can't. 510 00:25:12,554 --> 00:25:14,164 You're not my property. 511 00:25:14,207 --> 00:25:15,774 Not anymore. 512 00:25:17,210 --> 00:25:18,429 Thank you for saying that. 513 00:25:18,472 --> 00:25:20,083 We had an electric love. 514 00:25:20,126 --> 00:25:21,867 But that was years ago. 515 00:25:21,911 --> 00:25:23,869 And I'm so happy that you've moved on 516 00:25:23,913 --> 00:25:25,392 and found new love with Barrett. 517 00:25:25,436 --> 00:25:27,003 I have moved on. 518 00:25:27,046 --> 00:25:29,396 And I'm happy that you've realized that. 519 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:30,876 - I do. - I mean, it's not like 520 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:32,443 I think about you every night and pine for your touch. 521 00:25:32,486 --> 00:25:33,923 No. 522 00:25:33,966 --> 00:25:35,446 Staring into my husband's eyes 523 00:25:35,489 --> 00:25:37,100 wishing they were yours. 524 00:25:37,143 --> 00:25:39,624 Kissing him and imagining your perfect lips 525 00:25:39,668 --> 00:25:41,757 and tongue dancing with mine... 526 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,847 flicking, groping, asking... 527 00:25:44,890 --> 00:25:46,718 answering. Of course not. 528 00:25:46,762 --> 00:25:49,678 Tongues intertwined, twisted, 529 00:25:49,721 --> 00:25:52,637 coiled liked two serpents. 530 00:25:52,681 --> 00:25:54,726 Like the two snakes on that medical doctor symbol. 531 00:25:54,770 --> 00:25:55,901 I don't know that one. 532 00:25:55,945 --> 00:25:57,642 When I'm intimate with my husband, 533 00:25:57,686 --> 00:25:59,775 I do not yearn for your sharp scent. 534 00:25:59,818 --> 00:26:00,776 No. 535 00:26:00,819 --> 00:26:02,255 I don't close my eyes 536 00:26:02,299 --> 00:26:04,257 and trace Barrett's testicles with my tongue, 537 00:26:04,301 --> 00:26:07,086 remembering every wrinkle and pimple on yours. 538 00:26:07,130 --> 00:26:08,827 - No. - And I don't round the horn 539 00:26:08,871 --> 00:26:11,438 with my mouth and nose, hoping to helplessly fall down 540 00:26:11,482 --> 00:26:12,918 your rabbit hole like... 541 00:26:12,962 --> 00:26:15,312 Alice in the looking glass, forgetting myself, 542 00:26:15,355 --> 00:26:16,922 forgetting everything, 543 00:26:16,966 --> 00:26:18,837 becoming at once tiny and giant, 544 00:26:18,881 --> 00:26:21,274 losing myself in your musky, 545 00:26:21,318 --> 00:26:23,712 damp, verdant... 546 00:26:23,755 --> 00:26:25,539 life-giving earth. 547 00:26:25,583 --> 00:26:26,976 You don't do any of those things. 548 00:26:27,019 --> 00:26:28,281 I feel free. 549 00:26:28,325 --> 00:26:30,370 I'm so happy that you feel that same freedom. 550 00:26:30,414 --> 00:26:31,676 - Praise be. - Amen. 551 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,070 Now before I go, 552 00:26:34,113 --> 00:26:36,202 there's something I want you to have. 553 00:26:41,077 --> 00:26:43,819 Your locket? 554 00:26:43,862 --> 00:26:46,560 It's saved my life countless times. 555 00:26:46,604 --> 00:26:47,997 Look inside. 556 00:26:52,218 --> 00:26:55,178 - Are these-- - Your pubic hairs? 557 00:26:55,221 --> 00:26:56,919 Yes. 558 00:26:56,962 --> 00:26:58,921 MacGruber. 559 00:26:58,964 --> 00:27:00,966 After the first night we made love, 560 00:27:01,010 --> 00:27:04,143 I found a bunch of those bad boys in your underpants. 561 00:27:04,187 --> 00:27:07,233 So one by one, I plucked out the freshest, 562 00:27:07,277 --> 00:27:10,019 and I bought that beautiful locket to house them. 563 00:27:10,062 --> 00:27:13,065 I've worn that around my neck ever since. 564 00:27:13,109 --> 00:27:16,852 Every time the world feels like it's caving in around me, 565 00:27:16,895 --> 00:27:19,289 I just touch that locket, 566 00:27:19,332 --> 00:27:20,986 think about what's inside 567 00:27:21,030 --> 00:27:23,032 and the woman they were attached to. 568 00:27:23,075 --> 00:27:24,337 Me. 569 00:27:24,381 --> 00:27:25,861 And I'm whole again. 570 00:27:27,732 --> 00:27:30,256 That's the power you have. 571 00:27:30,300 --> 00:27:31,867 You did that. 572 00:27:31,910 --> 00:27:32,955 You! 573 00:27:35,044 --> 00:27:38,569 But that locket, that's not mine anymore. 574 00:27:38,612 --> 00:27:41,006 That's Barrett's locket now. 575 00:27:41,050 --> 00:27:42,834 And I want you to give that to him 576 00:27:42,878 --> 00:27:44,880 and tell him the story that I just told you 577 00:27:44,923 --> 00:27:47,578 word-for-word when you do. 578 00:27:49,232 --> 00:27:50,450 I will. 579 00:27:50,494 --> 00:27:52,104 Well... 580 00:27:54,585 --> 00:27:57,022 Smell you later, Vick. 581 00:27:57,066 --> 00:28:00,547 And I mean that with every fiber of my being. 582 00:28:00,591 --> 00:28:03,507 I will smell you later. 583 00:28:41,937 --> 00:28:44,113 Hope you motherfuckers are ready. 584 00:28:44,156 --> 00:28:47,029 'Cause MacGruber's coming for you. 585 00:28:47,072 --> 00:28:48,552 Later today. 586 00:28:48,595 --> 00:28:49,814 Or, uh, tonight. 587 00:28:49,858 --> 00:28:51,816 Night's probably better. Probably tonight. 588 00:28:51,860 --> 00:28:53,949 Probably tonight.