1
00:00:04,395 --> 00:00:06,049
[dark ominous music]

2
00:00:06,092 --> 00:00:09,182
[strange bubbling]

3
00:00:11,141 --> 00:00:18,104
♪

4
00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:19,845
- [speaking Spanish]

5
00:00:19,888 --> 00:00:21,586
[coughs]

6
00:00:28,636 --> 00:00:29,942
[coughs]

7
00:00:29,985 --> 00:00:31,900
- That's the point.

8
00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:32,945
- [camera clicks]

9
00:00:32,988 --> 00:00:35,600
- [choking]

10
00:00:36,644 --> 00:00:40,692
- One square mile,
three minutes.

11
00:00:40,735 --> 00:00:42,563
Everything is dead.

12
00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:44,957
Brimstone is fully functional.

13
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,220
♪

14
00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:48,569
- Burn it.

15
00:00:48,613 --> 00:00:50,310
- [chuckles]

16
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:53,922
♪

17
00:00:53,966 --> 00:00:57,100
[cows mooing]

18
00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:02,627
[dramatic music]

19
00:01:02,670 --> 00:01:09,590
♪

20
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:26,955
- ♪ MacGruber

21
00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,827
[fire crackling]

22
00:01:33,266 --> 00:01:35,616
- Well, someone was
in a rush this morning.

23
00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:37,618
You didn't even neatly
make your side of the bed

24
00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:39,620
while I was still sleeping
like you usually do.

25
00:01:39,664 --> 00:01:40,665
- Big day.

26
00:01:40,708 --> 00:01:42,232
I'm probably gonna
be home late.

27
00:01:42,275 --> 00:01:44,190
- Oh, but it's Christmas Eve.

28
00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:45,800
- Oh, believe me,
I would much rather

29
00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:48,151
spend the day tracking down
one of your famous

30
00:01:48,194 --> 00:01:50,457
homemade cinnamon rolls.

31
00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:51,806
- Listen, I'm really sorry
about everything

32
00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:53,330
that I've put you through
the last few days.

33
00:01:53,373 --> 00:01:54,635
I promise
I'll make it up to you.

34
00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:56,507
- I'm just so happy
to have you home, honey.

35
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:57,377
- Oh.

36
00:01:57,421 --> 00:02:00,511
I have something for you.

37
00:02:01,729 --> 00:02:04,210
- Oh, wow.

38
00:02:04,254 --> 00:02:06,256
This is great.

39
00:02:06,299 --> 00:02:08,519
Did you make this?

40
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:11,217
- No, I don't know how to do
advanced metalwork.

41
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:14,394
If I had that kind of skill,
I think you would know that.

42
00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:16,004
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

43
00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:19,834
- Besides, it's not from me.
It's actually from MacGruber.

44
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:21,488
- MacGruber?
- He came by last night.

45
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:23,360
Only for a little bit,
but I swear,

46
00:02:23,403 --> 00:02:24,404
it's not a big deal.
He was just--

47
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:25,884
- I understand.

48
00:02:25,927 --> 00:02:27,015
Mm-hmm.

49
00:02:27,059 --> 00:02:28,147
- Oh.

50
00:02:28,191 --> 00:02:29,583
Okay.

51
00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:32,847
I got the feeling he was...
saying goodbye.

52
00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,197
- Mm.

53
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,547
- Anyway, he said that was
his good luck charm,

54
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:37,939
and he really wanted you
to have it.

55
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,550
And there's actually
a story attached to it

56
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:40,638
that I would like
to share with you now.

57
00:02:40,681 --> 00:02:41,943
- Uh-huh.

58
00:02:41,987 --> 00:02:43,510
- After the first night
that we made love--

59
00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:46,687
- Hon, I just--
I should really get going.

60
00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:48,385
- Okay, well, I'll tell you
the story next time.

61
00:02:48,428 --> 00:02:49,908
- Okay.
- Here, let me put it on you.

62
00:02:49,951 --> 00:02:51,997
- Okay.

63
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,478
- Just FYI, there's something
of mine inside.

64
00:02:54,521 --> 00:02:56,219
- Oh.
- Just don't open it

65
00:02:56,262 --> 00:02:58,351
over a cup of coffee.
- Mm.

66
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:00,658
- Sorry, his neck sweat

67
00:03:00,701 --> 00:03:02,747
probably rusted the clasp
a little bit...

68
00:03:02,790 --> 00:03:04,879
oh, got it.

69
00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:06,229
- All right, thanks.

70
00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:08,274
- Hey.
- Yeah?

71
00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:09,362
- Is everything okay?

72
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:10,755
- It's just
this Queeth business.

73
00:03:10,798 --> 00:03:13,453
It's just taken over my mind
and...

74
00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:15,542
Look, I've just gotta
get through today

75
00:03:15,586 --> 00:03:17,501
and everything should be
different.

76
00:03:17,544 --> 00:03:18,806
I mean, better.

77
00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:22,070
- All right, well,
good luck, honey.

78
00:03:22,114 --> 00:03:24,638
- Thank you, Victoria.

79
00:03:28,251 --> 00:03:29,991
Say...

80
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:31,515
after this is all over,
what do you say we fly

81
00:03:31,558 --> 00:03:33,299
down to Aruba, get out of here?

82
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:34,561
Second honeymoon.

83
00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:37,390
Wipe the slate clean.
Start fresh.

84
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:38,957
- Yeah, I'd really like that.

85
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,654
- Me too.

86
00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:41,655
- Me too.

87
00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:46,399
- Love you so goddamn much.

88
00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:48,140
[door slams]
- Oh, honey, you left your...

89
00:03:48,183 --> 00:03:51,099
[foreboding music]

90
00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:53,101
♪

91
00:03:53,145 --> 00:03:54,712
- How did the test go, sir?

92
00:03:54,755 --> 00:03:58,019
- Well, it depends who you ask.

93
00:03:58,063 --> 00:04:01,109
The cows were not a fan.

94
00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:03,416
- Merry Christmas to all...

95
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:06,114
and to all a good...

96
00:04:06,158 --> 00:04:07,942
fuck!

97
00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:09,770
Oh, don't worry, Queeth.

98
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:13,687
You'll get yours soon enough,
I promise you that.

99
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:16,908
For my mother, for my father,

100
00:04:16,951 --> 00:04:18,953
for justice and honor,

101
00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:20,738
for the millions of p--

102
00:04:20,781 --> 00:04:22,130
[engine roaring growing closer]

103
00:04:22,174 --> 00:04:24,307
Oh, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck! Ah!

104
00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:27,397
[suspenseful music]

105
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:34,447
♪

106
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:36,971
- I got something here.

107
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,583
- Oh, these blankets
are so comfortable.

108
00:04:39,626 --> 00:04:41,324
Wait, is somebody there?
Is somebody there?

109
00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:43,064
Look, I mean no harm.

110
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,458
Please, I have money.
Don't hurt me.

111
00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:47,547
Don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me,

112
00:04:47,591 --> 00:04:49,680
you fucking piece of shit.

113
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,160
Ah!

114
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:53,814
Got your nose.

115
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:54,728
- What the fuck?

116
00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:56,034
- Hey, got a joke for you.

117
00:04:56,077 --> 00:04:58,645
What did the hunting knife
say to your head?

118
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:00,473
[grunts]

119
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:01,518
Just passing through.

120
00:05:01,561 --> 00:05:04,477
[upbeat music]

121
00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:07,654
♪

122
00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:11,005
Now he has
an all-terrain vehicle.

123
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:12,398
- Got another ping
from Southern Command.

124
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:14,008
They're requesting access
to Delta files.

125
00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:15,227
- Approved.

126
00:05:15,270 --> 00:05:17,751
- Sir, you have a phone call.
It's them.

127
00:05:17,795 --> 00:05:21,059
- Get me a secure line, Major.
- Yes, sir.

128
00:05:21,102 --> 00:05:22,408
[phone ringing]

129
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:25,716
[suspenseful music]

130
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,500
- Enos Queeth, I presume?

131
00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:28,849
[eerily distorted]
- Oh, no, General.

132
00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:31,243
This is the ghost
of Christmas future.

133
00:05:31,286 --> 00:05:34,681
And the future is looking
very bright indeed.

134
00:05:34,725 --> 00:05:36,901
- Oh, yeah, why is that?

135
00:05:36,944 --> 00:05:41,035
- Because you are about
to pay me 50 billion dollars.

136
00:05:41,079 --> 00:05:42,646
- [whispers] 50 billion?

137
00:05:42,689 --> 00:05:43,951
- What are you planning?

138
00:05:43,995 --> 00:05:45,692
- Let's just say
that tomorrow morning

139
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:47,868
Santa and his reindeer
are going to deliver

140
00:05:47,912 --> 00:05:50,523
the biggest present
the world has ever seen.

141
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,133
And if we don't get
that money,

142
00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:53,787
that will just be
the beginning.

143
00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:56,355
- You know damn well
the United States government

144
00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:58,836
does not negotiate
with terrorists.

145
00:05:58,879 --> 00:06:00,533
- We'll see if you still
feel that way

146
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,535
after tomorrow morning.

147
00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:04,319
- Damn it, Queeth,
you listen to me!

148
00:06:04,363 --> 00:06:05,669
- Bye.
[dial tone]

149
00:06:05,712 --> 00:06:08,933
[unsettling music]

150
00:06:08,976 --> 00:06:11,196
♪

151
00:06:11,239 --> 00:06:14,895
- Santa's starting to
get on my goddamn nerves.

152
00:06:16,984 --> 00:06:21,641
- Well, well, well, Queeth's
got himself quite the army.

153
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:23,774
So we got two options.

154
00:06:25,253 --> 00:06:29,127
Option A, we pack up our shit
and throw in the towel.

155
00:06:29,170 --> 00:06:35,220
Option B, we go down there
and kill everything in sight.

156
00:06:35,263 --> 00:06:36,439
What do you say, bud?

157
00:06:36,482 --> 00:06:39,659
[suspenseful music]

158
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:42,096
Looks like the nose have it.

159
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:44,882
♪

160
00:06:44,925 --> 00:06:47,232
Time to go make some widows.

161
00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:53,543
[suspenseful music]

162
00:06:53,586 --> 00:07:00,506
♪

163
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:12,518
- Smells like Queeth in here.

164
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:15,086
All right.

165
00:07:15,129 --> 00:07:17,741
Time to hand out
the party favors.

166
00:07:17,784 --> 00:07:20,744
[device beeping]

167
00:07:20,787 --> 00:07:23,050
♪

168
00:07:23,094 --> 00:07:26,010
[eerie music]

169
00:07:26,053 --> 00:07:29,274
♪

170
00:07:29,317 --> 00:07:31,842
Things that make you go boom.

171
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,583
[device beeping]

172
00:07:33,626 --> 00:07:36,542
[suspenseful music]

173
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:39,850
♪

174
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:43,506
Hope you weren't planning on
not exploding tonight.

175
00:07:43,549 --> 00:07:50,121
♪

176
00:07:50,164 --> 00:07:53,777
You can dish it out,
but can you take it?

177
00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:57,520
♪

178
00:08:09,749 --> 00:08:12,578
- Ready to be part of
throat rip history?

179
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:16,800
♪

180
00:08:16,843 --> 00:08:19,237
- [chuckles]

181
00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,500
The ol' reverse throat rip,

182
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:23,981
the holy grail of throat rips.

183
00:08:24,024 --> 00:08:26,374
And they said
it couldn't be done.

184
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:31,423
But we did it, didn't we,
you dead piece of fucking shit?

185
00:08:31,466 --> 00:08:33,860
[door squeaks]
Ah.

186
00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:37,995
Looks like our little
barbecue's about to begin.

187
00:08:38,038 --> 00:08:39,997
Hope you like
your meat well-done.

188
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,740
♪

189
00:08:43,783 --> 00:08:46,743
[dramatic music]

190
00:08:46,786 --> 00:08:52,705
♪

191
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:54,185
- Tonight, it begins!
[rapid gunfire]

192
00:08:54,228 --> 00:08:56,622
[cheering]

193
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:59,973
- Tonight, it ends.

194
00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:03,107
- 20 years ago,
we were exiled.

195
00:09:03,150 --> 00:09:06,676
Spit out, left for dead.

196
00:09:06,719 --> 00:09:08,199
We are the forgotten.

197
00:09:08,242 --> 00:09:10,854
The discarded.

198
00:09:10,897 --> 00:09:13,204
We're ghosts.

199
00:09:13,247 --> 00:09:15,423
Tomorrow,
the children of the world

200
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:18,775
will receive
a very special present.

201
00:09:18,818 --> 00:09:20,907
Not a sweater.

202
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:23,170
Not a Beanie Baby.

203
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:25,390
Not a shiny new trike.

204
00:09:25,433 --> 00:09:29,916
No, this present is something
far more interesting.

205
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,744
This present...

206
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:33,267
it melts faces.

207
00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:36,706
It makes your eyes
pour out of your sockets

208
00:09:36,749 --> 00:09:38,229
like water.

209
00:09:38,272 --> 00:09:41,232
It closes throats,
it voids bowels.

210
00:09:41,275 --> 00:09:44,235
Kills by the millions.

211
00:09:44,278 --> 00:09:47,368
And it all could've been
avoided.

212
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:52,765
The United States does not
negotiate with patriots.

213
00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:54,114
Well, fuck them.

214
00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:55,855
[cheering]

215
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,596
They may have forgotten

216
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,686
the hell that they
put us through.

217
00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:02,949
But tomorrow,

218
00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:07,127
they will remember our names.

219
00:10:07,171 --> 00:10:09,390
To vengeance!
[cheering]

220
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:11,349
- To vengeance.

221
00:10:11,392 --> 00:10:15,788
♪

222
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,834
[rapid gunfire]

223
00:10:17,877 --> 00:10:19,618
[cheering]

224
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,185
- Sir,
there's a bogey approaching.

225
00:10:21,228 --> 00:10:23,796
[engine grows louder]
- MacGruber.

226
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,668
[alarm blaring]

227
00:10:25,711 --> 00:10:29,106
[gunfire]

228
00:10:29,149 --> 00:10:31,586
♪

229
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:33,110
Take him out.
- Fire!

230
00:10:33,153 --> 00:10:38,376
[gunfire]

231
00:10:38,419 --> 00:10:40,378
Hold your fire!

232
00:10:40,421 --> 00:10:44,469
♪

233
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:51,781
[suspenseful music]

234
00:10:51,824 --> 00:10:58,744
♪

235
00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:02,095
[device beeping]

236
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,401
- Get back!

237
00:11:09,407 --> 00:11:11,844
[device beeping]

238
00:11:13,193 --> 00:11:15,239
- [screams]

239
00:11:15,282 --> 00:11:16,719
- Find him!

240
00:11:16,762 --> 00:11:17,807
[device beeping]

241
00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:20,853
♪

242
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,202
- [screams]

243
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:23,334
- God!

244
00:11:23,377 --> 00:11:26,206
[device beeping]

245
00:11:29,775 --> 00:11:31,995
- [screams]

246
00:11:32,038 --> 00:11:34,998
- Damn it, fall back!

247
00:11:35,041 --> 00:11:37,827
[indistinct yelling]

248
00:11:37,870 --> 00:11:40,786
[dramatic opera singing]

249
00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:47,750
♪

250
00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:00,545
[suspenseful music]

251
00:12:00,588 --> 00:12:04,331
- Fuck you, Queeth!
Come and fucking get it.

252
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:06,856
♪

253
00:12:06,899 --> 00:12:09,510
- Look likes we got
a little rodent problem.

254
00:12:18,258 --> 00:12:20,913
Where are you, MacGruber?

255
00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:22,349
We know you're in here.

256
00:12:22,393 --> 00:12:27,485
♪

257
00:12:27,528 --> 00:12:30,227
- There's no escape, MacGruber!

258
00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:32,577
Gonna find you.

259
00:12:32,620 --> 00:12:34,840
- Where the fuck are you,
MacGruber?

260
00:12:34,884 --> 00:12:37,495
- Dick shot!
[rapid gunfire]

261
00:12:37,538 --> 00:12:39,497
[both groaning]

262
00:12:39,540 --> 00:12:42,326
- Oh, my fucking dick!

263
00:12:42,369 --> 00:12:44,197
You shot me in the dick.
- [groaning]

264
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,634
- Don't worry, guys,
I got this.

265
00:12:50,421 --> 00:12:52,292
I know where you're hiding now,
MacGruber.

266
00:12:55,469 --> 00:12:56,862
- No, you don't.

267
00:12:56,906 --> 00:12:59,169
- You know the best thing
about this weapon?

268
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:02,781
It fires
armor-piercing bullets.

269
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:05,436
- Well, Queeth, as long as
we're doing riddles,

270
00:13:05,479 --> 00:13:07,003
I got one for you.

271
00:13:07,046 --> 00:13:09,222
You know the best part
about seeing your mother

272
00:13:09,266 --> 00:13:10,920
get killed in front
of your eyes?

273
00:13:10,963 --> 00:13:12,182
- What's that?

274
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,271
[gun cocks]
- Nothing.

275
00:13:14,314 --> 00:13:16,229
Drop your fucking piece.
- Okay, okay.

276
00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:17,622
[gun clatters]
All right, just please--

277
00:13:17,665 --> 00:13:19,580
please don't,
just don't--don't shoot me.

278
00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:21,234
Okay? Just please
just don't shoot me.

279
00:13:21,278 --> 00:13:22,453
I'm beg--I'm...

280
00:13:22,496 --> 00:13:24,281
I'm--I'm--I'm begging you.

281
00:13:24,324 --> 00:13:25,369
I'm begging you, please!

282
00:13:25,412 --> 00:13:28,067
You--you--you bested me again.

283
00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:30,765
- Seeing you there
on the ground, crying,

284
00:13:30,809 --> 00:13:33,290
pleading, begging for your life

285
00:13:33,333 --> 00:13:36,641
is such "Chicken Soup
for the Soul."

286
00:13:36,684 --> 00:13:38,512
I've been waiting
to do this to you

287
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:41,298
since I was five
fucking years old.

288
00:13:41,341 --> 00:13:42,473
- [sobbing]

289
00:13:42,516 --> 00:13:45,519
- I got good news
and I got bad news, bud.

290
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:47,957
The good news, not gonna
shoot you with bullets.

291
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,090
- [winces]
- And the bad news...

292
00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,527
I'm gonna shoot you with fists.

293
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:56,966
Get on your feet,
come on, let's dance!

294
00:13:57,009 --> 00:14:00,665
- [chuckles]

295
00:14:00,708 --> 00:14:02,841
- Oh, what's so funny, huh?

296
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:05,191
You think about
your favorite "Dilbert" quote?

297
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:08,325
Huh, you little fuckin' dumbass
"Dilbert" fan?

298
00:14:08,368 --> 00:14:10,414
- Oh, no, I'm--

299
00:14:10,457 --> 00:14:12,155
I'm--I'm laughing about this.

300
00:14:12,198 --> 00:14:13,678
- Mother fuck!

301
00:14:13,721 --> 00:14:16,246
- That's right,
I had a second gun.

302
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:18,857
It's pretty funny, isn't it?

303
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,641
By the way...

304
00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:22,252
I am a "Dilbert" fan.

305
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:26,082
- Knew it.
You suck so hard!

306
00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:29,172
- Goodbye, MacGruber.

307
00:14:29,215 --> 00:14:30,564
[gunshot]

308
00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,874
[heroic music]

309
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:37,441
♪

310
00:14:37,484 --> 00:14:38,964
- General.

311
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,052
- Hello, MacGruber.

312
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,228
- [gasps]
- Enos.

313
00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:44,883
- Just put the gun down.

314
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:46,493
Let's just talk about this
for a minute.

315
00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:49,061
- I think the time
for talking is over.

316
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:52,021
- Think about
what you are doing.

317
00:14:52,064 --> 00:14:53,848
Ah!

318
00:14:53,892 --> 00:14:56,329
Oh!

319
00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:58,984
- Oh, my God, General,
you got here just in time.

320
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:00,246
Thank you so much!

321
00:15:00,290 --> 00:15:02,596
You saved my life!

322
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,207
[sighs] And look...

323
00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:06,949
I owe you a huge apology.

324
00:15:06,992 --> 00:15:08,733
I am so sorry.

325
00:15:08,776 --> 00:15:10,213
- MacGruber--
- No, I need to say this.

326
00:15:10,256 --> 00:15:12,215
I need to say this!

327
00:15:12,258 --> 00:15:15,044
Look, I've called you
so many nasty things

328
00:15:15,087 --> 00:15:17,133
behind your back.

329
00:15:17,176 --> 00:15:18,438
I've called you a dirty diaper

330
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,527
with arms, legs,
and half a brain.

331
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:23,226
Yeah, I said that about you.

332
00:15:23,269 --> 00:15:26,055
I called you a fucker,
a fuckhead, fuckface.

333
00:15:26,098 --> 00:15:30,059
I said you're a motherfucker,
a dicknose, dickface, dickhead,

334
00:15:30,102 --> 00:15:31,843
shiteater, shitmouth,

335
00:15:31,886 --> 00:15:35,368
fuckin' tool, fuckin' asshole,
fuckin' buttwipe,

336
00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:37,849
shitdick, shittitty, tittydick,

337
00:15:37,892 --> 00:15:40,678
a little bitch, piece of fuck,
piece of shit.

338
00:15:40,721 --> 00:15:42,027
And I'll put 'em together
and call you

339
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:43,550
a piece of fucking
titty-dick shit.

340
00:15:43,594 --> 00:15:46,597
You know,
I called you all that stuff.

341
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,686
[whispering] But I was wrong.

342
00:15:48,729 --> 00:15:52,037
'Cause you're not
a piece of fuckin' shit.

343
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,997
You're a piece
of fucking friend.

344
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,956
And I mean that.

345
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,653
- Thank you, MacGruber,
and now it's time for me

346
00:15:59,697 --> 00:16:01,264
to apologize to you.

347
00:16:01,307 --> 00:16:02,961
- For what?

348
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:03,918
- For this.

349
00:16:03,962 --> 00:16:05,442
- What the hell are you doing?

350
00:16:05,485 --> 00:16:08,923
- Just finishing up the job
my dead colleague started.

351
00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:11,752
- Oh, you piece of fucking
titty-dick shit!

352
00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:13,493
So you're in on this too?

353
00:16:13,537 --> 00:16:14,799
- Let's just say
Queeth and I

354
00:16:14,842 --> 00:16:17,106
had a mutually beneficial
relationship.

355
00:16:17,149 --> 00:16:18,803
I helped him get you
out of jail,

356
00:16:18,846 --> 00:16:20,587
so he could get his hands
on Brimstone,

357
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:22,676
and he gave me the one thing,

358
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,984
the one thing in this world,
that I want most:

359
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:27,942
your death.

360
00:16:27,986 --> 00:16:29,944
See, as long as you're alive,

361
00:16:29,988 --> 00:16:32,556
Victoria will never be able
to give me her whole heart.

362
00:16:32,599 --> 00:16:34,993
And that is why
I have to kill you.

363
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,822
- Barrett, look,
I got a news flash for ya.

364
00:16:37,865 --> 00:16:40,477
Vicki married you.
She adores you!

365
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,827
This is all
just in your imagination.

366
00:16:42,870 --> 00:16:46,091
- Oh, it's in my imagination
every time I caught her

367
00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:47,484
looking through
your wedding album?

368
00:16:47,527 --> 00:16:49,225
Every time
she shouted your name

369
00:16:49,268 --> 00:16:50,704
when we were making love?

370
00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:52,837
Don't you understand?

371
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,752
- So this whole thing,

372
00:16:54,795 --> 00:16:58,364
all the death,
all the destruction,

373
00:16:58,408 --> 00:16:59,757
it's all just for Vicki?

374
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:01,846
- That's right, MacGruber.

375
00:17:01,889 --> 00:17:03,761
I did it all for the nookie.

376
00:17:03,804 --> 00:17:06,024
- Vicki would be
so disappointed.

377
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,374
- Well, it's a good thing
she's not gonna find out.

378
00:17:08,418 --> 00:17:09,984
'Cause now that Queeth is dead,

379
00:17:10,028 --> 00:17:11,812
there's only two people
in the whole world

380
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:13,423
that know about this,

381
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:16,687
and one of them
is about to die.

382
00:17:16,730 --> 00:17:19,516
[suspenseful music]

383
00:17:19,559 --> 00:17:20,952
[gunshot]
- [shouts]

384
00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:24,521
[uplifting orchestral music]

385
00:17:24,564 --> 00:17:26,392
- You sure about that, Barrett?

386
00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:28,133
♪

387
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,744
- Victoria? What are you doing
here?

388
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:32,703
- Oh, I'd ask you
the same thing

389
00:17:32,746 --> 00:17:34,748
but I think I've heard enough.

390
00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:36,533
- Please, baby, I can explain.

391
00:17:36,576 --> 00:17:38,448
- Don't you "baby" me, baby!

392
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,145
- You got it all wrong, baby.

393
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:42,278
- No, you know what,
I think for the first time

394
00:17:42,321 --> 00:17:43,975
I got it all right.

395
00:17:44,018 --> 00:17:45,890
When I told you MacGruber
came by last night,

396
00:17:45,933 --> 00:17:47,152
you didn't clench your fist

397
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:49,633
or snap a pencil
like you usually do,

398
00:17:49,676 --> 00:17:51,548
and that struck me as strange.

399
00:17:51,591 --> 00:17:55,552
And then you happened to leave
a classified dossier at home.

400
00:17:55,595 --> 00:17:56,901
General Barrett Fasoose

401
00:17:56,944 --> 00:17:59,121
doesn't normally
make mistakes like that.

402
00:17:59,164 --> 00:18:01,210
That's when I knew
something was up.

403
00:18:01,253 --> 00:18:04,387
So I followed the coordinates
on your little map

404
00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:06,911
and I ended up here.

405
00:18:06,954 --> 00:18:11,742
And to think I trusted you
with my heart, and my body...

406
00:18:11,785 --> 00:18:13,613
and my song.

407
00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:18,749
♪ And you betrayed
my precious ♪

408
00:18:18,792 --> 00:18:23,754
♪ Trust

409
00:18:23,797 --> 00:18:29,716
- ♪ Let me make it up
to you, baby ♪

410
00:18:31,196 --> 00:18:32,328
All right, look,
I did it all for you

411
00:18:32,371 --> 00:18:34,112
and you want to
throw it away on that?

412
00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:36,245
- "That?"

413
00:18:36,288 --> 00:18:40,205
That is the most perfect man
I have ever laid eyes on.

414
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:43,252
And yeah, sure,
he's impetuous, brash,

415
00:18:43,295 --> 00:18:46,951
hotheaded, conceited, selfish,
thoughtless, reckless,

416
00:18:46,994 --> 00:18:51,216
but he also has a major problem
with impulse control.

417
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:53,218
But none of that matters.

418
00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:56,482
'Cause he is by far
the least endowed lover

419
00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:58,223
I have ever had.

420
00:18:58,267 --> 00:19:01,357
So yeah, he may be
hung like a butterfly,

421
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,360
but he stings like a gnat.

422
00:19:04,403 --> 00:19:05,404
- Please, Victoria.

423
00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:08,929
- It's Vicki, Barrett!

424
00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:13,064
Vicki Gloria Saint Elmo...

425
00:19:13,107 --> 00:19:14,805
MacGruber.

426
00:19:14,848 --> 00:19:17,329
- Oh my stars, really?

427
00:19:17,373 --> 00:19:18,983
- If you'll have me.

428
00:19:19,026 --> 00:19:21,290
- Yes, yes,
a thousand times yes!

429
00:19:21,333 --> 00:19:24,771
- Consider yourself divorced,
you butthole.

430
00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:25,990
Roundhouse!

431
00:19:26,033 --> 00:19:27,948
Whew, whew!
- [groans]

432
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:30,908
[heroic music]

433
00:19:30,951 --> 00:19:33,650
♪

434
00:19:33,693 --> 00:19:35,391
- You came for me.

435
00:19:35,434 --> 00:19:38,524
- MacGruber, I never left you.

436
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:45,575
♪

437
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:48,534
[helicopter blades whirring]

438
00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:55,715
♪

439
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:02,374
- Well, my love,

440
00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:05,856
I think it might be time
for a little R&R.

441
00:20:05,899 --> 00:20:09,338
- Oh, yes, I could use
some rest and relaxation.

442
00:20:09,381 --> 00:20:10,687
- No.

443
00:20:10,730 --> 00:20:12,950
The other R&R.

444
00:20:12,993 --> 00:20:15,126
Ramming and rimming.

445
00:20:15,169 --> 00:20:18,999
- [quietly] Oh, MacGruber.

446
00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:21,654
- ♪ Joy to the world

447
00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:24,614
♪ The Lord is come

448
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:29,793
♪ Let Earth receive her king

449
00:20:32,404 --> 00:20:35,320
[tropical music]

450
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:38,410
♪

451
00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:41,805
- [grunting wildly]

452
00:20:41,848 --> 00:20:43,807
- Oh, MacGruber!

453
00:20:43,850 --> 00:20:46,766
[both panting]

454
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:49,334
- Gonna go fast now!
Gonna go fast now!

455
00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:51,031
[grunting quickly]

456
00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:55,471
[groaning]

457
00:21:04,915 --> 00:21:07,831
Oh, still got a little bit.
It's going.

458
00:21:07,874 --> 00:21:10,616
- What?
- Oh, just a little bit more.

459
00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:13,358
- Oh, I thought you were done.
- It's transferring into you.

460
00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:15,752
[groans weakly]

461
00:21:15,795 --> 00:21:18,102
[both sigh]

462
00:21:18,145 --> 00:21:20,191
Ooh.

463
00:21:20,234 --> 00:21:22,846
Oh.

464
00:21:22,889 --> 00:21:24,151
- [sighs]

465
00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:26,937
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

466
00:21:32,072 --> 00:21:35,249
[toilet flushes]

467
00:21:39,253 --> 00:21:41,212
- Oh.
- Merry Christmas, Vicki.

468
00:21:41,255 --> 00:21:44,911
- Oh, MacGruber.
[chuckles]

469
00:21:44,955 --> 00:21:47,305
- Open it.

470
00:21:47,349 --> 00:21:50,787
- [gasps] My very own locket.

471
00:21:50,830 --> 00:21:52,658
- I thought we could
fill it together.

472
00:21:52,702 --> 00:21:54,051
- Oh.

473
00:21:54,094 --> 00:21:55,139
- Give me your hand.

474
00:21:55,182 --> 00:21:58,098
[Bon Iver's "Beth/Rest"]

475
00:21:58,142 --> 00:22:05,279
♪

476
00:22:05,932 --> 00:22:10,067
- ♪ Errant heat to the star ♪

477
00:22:10,110 --> 00:22:12,069
♪ And the rain let in

478
00:22:12,112 --> 00:22:17,509
♪

479
00:22:17,553 --> 00:22:21,339
♪ And the hawser rolls,
the vessel's whole ♪

480
00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:23,254
♪ And Christ, it's thin

481
00:22:23,297 --> 00:22:28,738
♪

482
00:22:28,781 --> 00:22:32,785
♪ Well, I'd know
that you'd offer ♪

483
00:22:32,829 --> 00:22:37,181
♪

484
00:22:37,224 --> 00:22:40,140
♪ Would reveal it,
though it's soft and flat ♪

485
00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:44,667
♪

486
00:22:44,710 --> 00:22:47,278
♪ Won't repeat it,
cull and coffers that ♪

487
00:22:47,321 --> 00:22:50,455
♪ For the soffit,
hang this homeward ♪

488
00:22:50,499 --> 00:22:53,458
♪

489
00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:56,026
- All the best to you,
my love,

490
00:22:56,069 --> 00:22:58,507
on this special hallowed day.

491
00:22:58,550 --> 00:23:01,858
- Your love is the greatest
gift I've ever received.

492
00:23:01,901 --> 00:23:04,034
- And mine yours.

493
00:23:04,077 --> 00:23:05,470
- MacGruber.

494
00:23:05,514 --> 00:23:08,299
- Come here.

495
00:23:08,342 --> 00:23:11,476
[gulls calling]

496
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,826
- Oh, what a beautiful day.

497
00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:16,786
♪

498
00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:20,224
- Thanks to us,
the world goes on.

499
00:23:20,267 --> 00:23:22,574
- Do you want me to go
rustle us up some coffees?

500
00:23:22,618 --> 00:23:23,967
- That can be arranged.

501
00:23:24,010 --> 00:23:26,839
- [chuckles]

502
00:23:26,883 --> 00:23:30,452
- ♪ All the news at the door

503
00:23:30,495 --> 00:23:33,977
♪ Such a revelry

504
00:23:34,020 --> 00:23:38,982
♪

505
00:23:39,025 --> 00:23:41,941
- They ran out of coffee,
so I got you some apple ju--

506
00:23:41,985 --> 00:23:44,596
♪

507
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:48,121
[dramatic music]

508
00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:49,688
MacGruber!

509
00:23:49,732 --> 00:23:51,429
Oh, God.

510
00:23:51,473 --> 00:23:53,518
- Hey, just gotta do
a teeny bit more cleanup

511
00:23:53,562 --> 00:23:55,520
then I'm ready for round two.

512
00:23:55,564 --> 00:23:56,956
- I think you better see this.

513
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,090
- I'm almost tempted to say
that you better see this.

514
00:24:00,133 --> 00:24:02,658
- This is a major
chemical weapon attack...

515
00:24:02,701 --> 00:24:04,529
- Angle it over here!
- In Quito, Ecuador,

516
00:24:04,573 --> 00:24:06,357
home to over 2 million people

517
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,099
and right now, as you
can see from this footage,

518
00:24:09,142 --> 00:24:10,448
there are crowds of people

519
00:24:10,492 --> 00:24:11,971
running from
what appears to be

520
00:24:12,015 --> 00:24:14,321
clouds of some sort
of orange gas.

521
00:24:14,365 --> 00:24:17,107
♪

522
00:24:17,150 --> 00:24:18,500
- [people screaming]

523
00:24:18,543 --> 00:24:20,023
♪

524
00:24:20,066 --> 00:24:25,898
- Oh...my...God.

525
00:24:30,642 --> 00:24:33,558
[suspenseful music]

526
00:24:33,602 --> 00:24:40,739
♪