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00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:03,043
- [Oliver Putnam] Something happened today.
- [gunshot]
2
00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:04,336
[Howard Morris]
Oh, my God, they've been shot!
3
00:00:04,337 --> 00:00:05,754
It's Glen, he's still alive!
4
00:00:05,755 --> 00:00:07,631
- Zach!
- They got me in my fat!
5
00:00:07,632 --> 00:00:11,301
All of you may have heard about our little
"firearms moment" at the photo shoot,
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00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:14,221
- but the show must go on!
- Woo!
7
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{\an8}Got me thinking.
8
00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:17,141
I was gonna propose, and I choked.
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00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,351
- Ronnie's bonded with Loretta.
- Who's Ronnie?
10
00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:21,395
- She's my Finsta.
- Oh, no!
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{\an8}I wanna spend whatever time
I have left with you.
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{\an8}[Loretta Durkin] [on phone]
Ugh...
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{\an8}Dudenoff? Not in Portugal. Nope.
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{\an8}He's been cashing social security checks
at a bodega on 125th Street.
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{\an8}- This is Sazz Pataki's remains.
- [Gravey barks]
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00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:35,451
{\an8}[Charles-Haden Savage]
Gravey, that's my friend!
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{\an8}[Oliver]
Here's her left shoulder.
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- [Charles] No, it's not.
- Yeah. See? It says "left".
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No. This one says "left".
In Bulgarian.
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There's two left shoulders?
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{\an8}They just identified
the other left shoulder!
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It belongs to Dudenoff.
Dudenoff was murdered.
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We put hidden cameras in our
production office and in your apartments.
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- Whose camera is this?
- [text dings]
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"I'm watching you."
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[Oliver]
We're not safe in this building!
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- [♪ jaunty music playing]
- [narrator] New York City.
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- [traffic noise]
- It sucks.
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It's a crime-ridden hellhole.
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[cars honking]
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And don't hit me with that,
"The numbers don't bear that out," shit.
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[cars honking]
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You ever get mugged by a number?
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- Go, go, go!
- Where are we going?!
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Out of the city!
The killer was in our apartments,
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and filming us,
which makes him a perv, too.
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Alright, alright. Putnam, get in the zone.
Gotta craft the perfect...
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poetic breakup text.
So far, I have, "It's over,"
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exclamation point, exclamation point,
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followed by 10 more exclamation points.
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You're breaking up with Loretta?
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I've never seen someone worse
at being in a happy relationship.
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Mabel, I showed her my soul,
and she said, "Ugh."
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So I'm ripping off the Band-Aid
and taking my heart with it.
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N-Now, drive faster.
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Oh well, we don't even know
where we're going!
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We gotta find a safe house,
and it can't be a hotel
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because credit cards can be tracked.
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[Mabel Mora] Well, what about
your sister on Long Island?
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- The one whose daughters all have D names?
- [line ringing]
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I can't lead a killer
to my kid sister's house!
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I thought her husband was a cop.
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- [Howard] [on phone] Hello.
- Howard? Hey, listen to me.
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Um, don't tell anyone,
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- but in case we, like, disappear...
- [Howard] Uh-huh.
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...we went to Charles' sister's
in Patchogue.
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Also, I need you to go to that bodega
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and figure out who's been
cashing Dudenoff's checks.
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- [Howard] Okay...
- Also, this tech-savvy psycho
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could be tracking our movements!
Turn off your phone!
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Oh, you're right. Bye, Howard.
Oliver, turn it off.
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- Okay. Fine. Devastating text, sent.
- [text whooshes]
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Okay, Doreen. Here we come.
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[narrator]
Now, you want peace? Safety?
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A good night's sleep because
you know your female loved ones
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ain't gonna get punched
in the face at Gristedes?
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♪
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Well, my friend, there's only one county
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on God's green earth for you.
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The county of Suffolk.
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Strong Island, baby!
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Of course, uh, no place is perfect.
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I should give you a little, uh,
heads up about my sister.
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Uh, and I don't like saying this
about my own flesh and blood,
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but she can be, uh, very...
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uh, spontaneous?
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- Ooh, sick burn.
- [Oliver snickers]
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- [sprinklers running]
- [dogs barking]
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[♪ "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant"
doorbell chimes]
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[footsteps approach]
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Ah!
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Well, look who finally decided
to show up for Thanksgiving.
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[Doreen chuckles]
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Too bad it's April.
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Come on.
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[♪ lively theme song playing]
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[♪ vocalizing]
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[♪ theme song fades out]
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- [insects chirring]
- [dogs barking]
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[ice clinking in glass]
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[footsteps approach]
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I like your dolls.
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{\an8}Oh, thank you. You know,
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{\an8}the big ones are
very hard to come by now.
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{\an8}Something about the supply chain, but...
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00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:39,569
{\an8}Yeah, I started collecting after,
uh, Dawn's wedding.
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00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:42,572
{\an8}And then, when Dina
and Danielle went to DeVry,
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00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:46,118
{\an8}and then Dagmar, which is
my youngest, still a baby,
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00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,161
{\an8}she really just left to wound me.
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{\an8}So, I guess you replaced
your children with dolls, huh?
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Wow.
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I have never made that connection.
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{\an8}[slurping]
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{\an8}[Doreen]
You are intuitive.
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00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:06,973
{\an8}That is much more important
in a man than height.
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00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,225
{\an8}- Thank you.
- Mm.
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{\an8}I always wondered what you look like.
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{\an8}You know, I know your voice
from the podcast,
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but sometimes, I would, uh, slow it down.
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I'd deepen your register.
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Then, I speed it back up, and you sound
like a little frisky chicken.
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Ah...
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Then slow it down again.
And then speed it up.
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[emotional]
Then, slow it down.
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And then, I speed it back up.
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Where's Big Mike?
We could use a cop around here.
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{\an8}Well, I kicked him out again.
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He's livin' on the boat in the driveway.
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{\an8}One too many nights at Can-Cans.
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{\an8}- [scoffs]
- [Mabel] Uh,
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I feel like I'm gonna regret asking this,
but what is Can-Cans?
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It's Hooters for butts.
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I was right.
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This is what I married. He's a pig.
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Just hoggin' down mozzarelly sticks,
surrounded by
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random women's mud flaps.
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Oh, anyway, more room for you.
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And no murderer is ever gonna check here
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'cause they know you're not
gonna come visit your sister!
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00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,111
Hey.
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00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:06,740
Oh, what are you gonna do?
Inflict another permanent injury on me?
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- [Charles] Doreen, please.
- [Doreen] Oh, my God, he's so sensitive.
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Pardon me, I'm gonna get
you some fresh towels.
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If you're gonna stay over,
you need towels!
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- What are you, one or two?
- One.
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[Doreen]
I thought so.
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You're a two-towel guy.
I can tell that. You're gonna need it.
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I want you dry.
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- [♪ tense music playing]
- [walking away]
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[whispering]
I'm scared.
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[yelps]
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[Oliver] Alright, Charles,
can you catch us up on the plot of...
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00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,561
"August: Suffolk County"?
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It's probably what you would've guessed.
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When Doreen was 3,
I was pushing her on a swing,
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and I pushed her too hard,
and she flew off,
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and ended up losing her spleen.
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I wouldn't say that was
exactly what I would've guessed.
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- No.
- She knows I feel terrible about it,
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00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:51,536
and she loves spleen-shaming me.
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- Maybe this was a mistake.
- No, no, no, no, it's quiet here,
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so we can work on the case
and hopefully not die.
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[Oliver] Does this gorgeous doll
remind you of anyone?
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Braids, porcelain skin,
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00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:04,631
perky little set of--
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00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,341
Oliver! The case!
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00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,094
[Oliver]
You know what? You handle it.
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00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,429
'Cause I'm exhausted
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00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,265
and freshly heartbroken.
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00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,141
Charles?
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00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,268
Mabel, I have to come up
with a security plan!
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- I need to make this place murder-proof...
- [doll whines]
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00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:20,897
...and then give law enforcement a, uh,
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tactical appraisal of the situation.
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00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:26,112
You mean talk to the butt-lover
in the driveway boat?
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Yes.
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00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,531
Meanwhile,
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00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,868
towels. You wanted two. There you go.
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One towel.
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[Mabel]
"Can-Cans Wet Bench Night."
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Oh, Long Island, you're so... you.
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- [♪ dramatic music playing]
- [birds chirping]
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[sprinklers hissing]
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00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:48,968
[door opens]
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[quietly]
Big Mike?
176
00:07:57,852 --> 00:07:59,352
It's Charles!
177
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:01,522
[Big Mike groans, gagging coughs]
178
00:08:03,941 --> 00:08:06,568
- [rattling]
- I'm borrowing your toolbox.
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00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:09,029
[Bev Melon]
I found you! Finally!
180
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,281
- I have left you so many messages!
- Bev?
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00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:13,575
[Bev] It's a good thing Howard knew
where you were. So listen,
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00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:17,037
this is serious. The studio is asking
if the Brothers Sisters are the killers.
183
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,788
If they are the killers,
I have to fire them.
184
00:08:18,789 --> 00:08:20,832
If they might be, but we can't prove it,
185
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:23,460
that is a gray area that I can sell.
So, what is it? Tell me.
186
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,506
It's definitely not them... I think.
187
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:29,925
Okay, he says they're not the killers.
He's right here.
188
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,011
He seems, like, 60% sure.
189
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:34,679
That sounds low?
190
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,681
Well, 50% of one margarita was enough
191
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,934
for you to flash your boobs
at the Fabelmans premiere.
192
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:42,270
Bev, this is an emergency safe house
situation, so I need your phone.
193
00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:43,813
He did see them, Monica!
194
00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:46,691
He saw 100% of both of them!
195
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,485
[♪ curious music playing]
196
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:50,530
What? Oh, my God!
197
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,531
[door slams shut]
198
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,740
Oliver, what are you doing?
199
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:55,033
[Oliver]
Mabel, not now!
200
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:56,785
I'm busy with an urgent new mystery.
201
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,287
The whereabouts of Johnnie Walker.
202
00:08:59,288 --> 00:09:02,374
Well, I'm just trying
to find a place to work
203
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,000
that isn't filled with dolls.
204
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:05,919
- [Bev] [outside] Oh, my God.
- I mean, it's so creep--
205
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,337
[Bev]
With that little baby voice...
206
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,339
Is that Bev Melon?
207
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,299
Howard, come on!
208
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:15,346
Okay. Hey, am I to believe people
suffer a life in Patchogue sober?
209
00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:18,848
Ah, of course not. Bar she blows.
210
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,935
[door opens, shuts]
211
00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:24,771
- Hey. Okay, I'll call you back, bye.
- Bev, what are you doing here?
212
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:26,898
- [slams phone]
- We're dead. We're all fucking dead,
213
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,858
that's what I'm doing here.
I don't fucking know.
214
00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:31,236
Wh-What do you mean? What happened?
Is there someone out there?
215
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:33,113
[Bev]
No. I wish it was so simple, Mabel.
216
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:36,032
The studio is talking about
217
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,701
pulling the plug on the movie
218
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,786
because of all the "catastrophes."
219
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,663
I'm stressed, okay?!
220
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:44,165
I gotta figure this out! It's stressful!
I'm fucking, like,
221
00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,750
losing my shit, okay?
222
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:48,044
And I'm starving right now!
223
00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:50,046
I'm so hungry. Ugh, that looks gross.
224
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:52,091
I need something substantial.
225
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:56,470
You know what? I think I saw pizza crust
on the driveway boat, I'll be right back.
226
00:09:58,347 --> 00:09:59,932
- [door opens, shuts]
- What is my life?
227
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:03,644
[sighs]
228
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,313
- [yelps, laughs]
- [laughs]
229
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,189
- My apologies. I--
- Oh, no.
230
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:10,734
I just had a craving for a Tulsa Torpedo.
231
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,861
- Oh.
- I mean, but I see that
232
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:15,280
you've misplaced your
watermelon liqueur.
233
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,907
Oh, why don't I make you
one of my signature cocktails?
234
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,285
Okay? Lemme just...
Right behind you. If I--
235
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:23,038
- I almost got it. Here we go.
- [awkward laugh]
236
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,332
I think you are going to like.
237
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:28,627
This is mostly entirely
vodka and Crystal Light.
238
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,546
You know, I call it a Sweaty Betty.
239
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,965
Named it after my dear friend,
also named Betty,
240
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,426
uh, who also happens to sweat like a pig.
241
00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:37,510
Uh-huh...
242
00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:39,888
So... there we go.
243
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:42,974
And Crystal Light,
if you dunk anything in it,
244
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,225
- it's a great exfoliant.
- Uh...
245
00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,227
- Ah.
- A long pour...
246
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:48,313
- Ah...
- ...for my short king.
247
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,690
- Well, here's to Betty.
- Oh, Betty was a whore.
248
00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:52,026
Okay.
249
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:53,819
[Doreen]
Mm...
250
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,446
- [Oliver snorts]
- Can you believe it?
251
00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,572
Oh my, that's...
252
00:10:57,573 --> 00:11:00,116
- Mm. I know.
- Oh! Th-That is--
253
00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,993
[sucks teeth] Okay--
254
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,620
- Now...
- [Oliver grumbling]
255
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:06,081
...I can't help but notice
you seem like something's
256
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:08,459
maybe bothering you. Is it Charles?
257
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:11,087
W-Well, no. Uh-- Well,
258
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,838
usually yes, but, uh,
259
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:15,508
uh, this time, it's a breakup.
260
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,677
A relationship done in by my...
261
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,595
one tragic flaw.
262
00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:22,180
Too handsome?
263
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,849
Well, th-there's that, but it's also...
264
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,727
I-I'm simply too...
265
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:28,687
emotionally available.
266
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,146
[excited sigh]
267
00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:33,526
[♪ "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant"
doorbell chimes]
268
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,322
[♪ gentle music playing]
269
00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:41,908
Actors? Now what are you doing here?
270
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,910
[Zach Galifianakis]
Howard told us you would be here.
271
00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:45,788
People don't keep secrets from the famous.
272
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,623
What are you doing here?
273
00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:50,125
Uh, I'm hiding out from the killer.
274
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,919
Oh, so you thought,
"Hey, why don't we leave the actors
275
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,463
to die with a psychopath"?
276
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:57,465
Pretty sure the killer
is after us, not you guys.
277
00:11:57,466 --> 00:12:00,468
I would reconsider that.
Just a gut feeling.
278
00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:01,636
[Mabel]
Oh!
279
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:03,555
[Zach] I escaped the hospital
to come here.
280
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,766
Well, go back to the hospital!
And for you guys,
281
00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:09,227
I need some quiet to work
on the case, okay?
282
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:12,021
- I'm sure there's lovely local hotels.
- [Eva Longoria] No, no, no, no.
283
00:12:12,022 --> 00:12:15,317
You are contractually responsible
for our safety, so we're staying.
284
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,695
Fine! Then pick a doll, amuse yourselves,
285
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,363
and give me your phones.
286
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:23,324
- [Mabel sighs]
- [actors chattering]
287
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:24,868
[Oliver]
I mean...
288
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:28,163
I thought that I wanted
a creative counterpart.
289
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,247
Yeah. Yeah.
290
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:32,417
A Verdon to my Fosse.
A Fleetwood to my Mac.
291
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,501
Oh.
292
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:36,464
Maybe what I really want...
293
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,383
is just someone I can hold
294
00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:42,469
- and adore, you know?
- [Doreen sighs]
295
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,262
- Like a doll.
- [Oliver grunts]
296
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,182
- Sure. Sure, like a doll.
- Like a doll.
297
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,017
How'd you meet your husband?
298
00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:51,854
You know what, this is--
shouldn't be here.
299
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,606
[Oliver grunts]
300
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,608
[sighs] Well,
301
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,027
you know, it was actually...
302
00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:01,614
a pretty classic meet-cute. It was...
303
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:05,992
[sighs] inside the port-a-potty
at Jones Beach.
304
00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:09,245
[♪ "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant"
doorbell chimes]
305
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:10,789
- [Doreen scoffs]
- Someone should get that
306
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,165
before we have to hear it again.
307
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:13,958
Alright. Ooh, I'm like a turtle.
308
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,420
- Gimme a little help. There we go.
- Oh, lemme help you. There you go.
309
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:19,589
[grunting] Okay. Okay.
310
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,132
[both yelping]
311
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,051
Oh, Mr. Putman! [laughs]
312
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,344
[door opens]
313
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:25,428
[Loretta]
Hello--
314
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,680
- [♪ upbeat music playing]
- [Doreen] Oh. Let yourself in.
315
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:28,973
What on earth?
316
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:30,767
[nervous laugh] Hi.
317
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:34,229
I j-- I just got caught in
her macramé duster.
318
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:37,273
Oh, is that what the kids
are calling it now? [laughs]
319
00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:39,735
This one. What a tease, huh?
320
00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:44,447
[Oliver]
Loretta, how did you find out--
321
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:47,242
Howard! Of course, it was Howard.
322
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:51,120
I called repeatedly,
straight to voicemail every time.
323
00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,832
So, I got on a six-hour flight,
324
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:54,916
middle seat,
325
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,253
just so I could ask you
why you thought you could...
326
00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:01,089
break up with me over text.
327
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,675
Uh-- Loretta...
328
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,676
what are you talking about?
329
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,928
I poured my heart out to you
330
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:09,556
on the phone, and you went, "Ugh."
331
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:10,765
When did this happen?
332
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:12,267
- Yesterday. Yes--
- No, you didn't.
333
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:15,354
A-A day that will live in ugh-famy.
334
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,690
[sighs] What time was it?
335
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,149
I don't know, lunch?
336
00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:22,902
- Devastation o'clock.
- Your lunch or my lunch?
337
00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:25,781
I-It was your lunch, my second Cosmo.
338
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:31,911
Oh! [laughs]
339
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:35,290
Oh, I-I love that my pain
is so amusing to you.
340
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,709
- That is just so appreciated.
- [Loretta wheezing]
341
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:40,295
- No! Oh, Oliver.
- [♪ jaunty music playing]
342
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,922
I think you talked to my stand-in.
343
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,591
- What? Sorry, what?
- Yeah.
344
00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:47,677
Because I'm wrapped in gauze,
and my stand-in is wrapped in gauze,
345
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:50,513
so I think the-the PA gave my cellphone
346
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:53,850
[laughing] to the wrong burn victim.
347
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,269
[both laughing]
348
00:14:56,270 --> 00:15:00,231
- I mean... No, no.
- So, that wasn't you?
349
00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:03,735
I don't think you're ugh. [sighs]
350
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:05,695
I think you're...
351
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:08,197
[seductive ugh, giggles]
352
00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:10,284
What I can say other than...
353
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,078
- [purrs]
- [Loretta laughs]
354
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,788
- Oh, Ollie!
- [Oliver laughs]
355
00:15:15,789 --> 00:15:19,834
- Oh, I missed you. I missed you.
- I missed you. I missed you, too.
356
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:23,923
- So... Doreen.
- Oh.
357
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:28,217
Doreen?
Well, Doreen is Charles' sister.
358
00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:29,803
Is she someone...
359
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:32,221
that I should be worried about?
360
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:35,059
Everyone should be worried about Doreen.
361
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:38,853
[Doreen]
Careful, Upchuck!
362
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:42,690
[laughs] Oh, you need me to help you nail
your fingers to the house, huh?
363
00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:44,984
These windows won't lock,
so I'm trying to nail them shut.
364
00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:46,736
Just trying to keep
everybody in one piece.
365
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,490
Well, it's a little late
to keep me in one piece.
366
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,826
I asked the doctor
if I could give you my spleen,
367
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,745
and he said it wasn't necessary
368
00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,538
because spleens aren't necessary.
369
00:15:57,539 --> 00:16:00,541
Oh, come on. I was just razzin' you.
370
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,503
I don't even remember the accident!
371
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:06,506
[sighs] You know what I remember?
One of my...
372
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,675
probably fondest memories is--
373
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,178
God, I must've been, what, 5?
374
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,263
Mom was taking me
375
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:16,349
- to see my big brother...
- [nail drops, clatters]
376
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,268
...in one of his first plays.
377
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,562
You were so good.
378
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,148
You were always meant to be
Mr. Hollywood someday, huh?
379
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:26,777
[hammering continues]
380
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:30,656
[shouting]
Are you even listening to me?!
381
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,950
I'm sorry. I just can't
have a conversation right now.
382
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,994
Everyone I know is either
dead or in danger
383
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,496
because of me and my stupid podcast,
384
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:42,375
so I have to keep my attention
focused on these nails!
385
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:45,796
- [light hammering]
- Why are you always mad at me?!
386
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,423
I'm not mad at you.
387
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,466
Wait, wait, wait, are you--
are you crying?
388
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:52,010
Oh, please don't cry.
389
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,511
I can cry if I want to!
390
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:57,432
Just because you,
Mr. No-Emotion-Robot-Man, doesn't!
391
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,225
I-I control myself.
392
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:02,270
Oh, wh-what's that?
Implying that I'm crazy?!
393
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:03,980
- I didn't say that.
- Don't deny it.
394
00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,356
- Well, I didn't say that.
- Don't!
395
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:06,524
I said don't!
396
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:09,444
Don't deny it! Not do deny it!
I said don't deny it!
397
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:12,238
TikTok calls it gaslighting.
398
00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:14,866
And you're full of gas,
and it's an epidemic!
399
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,243
Every man in my life
thinks that because I have
400
00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:20,955
just actual and real emotions
that I'm crazy!
401
00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:23,583
But, you know what? There's a little man,
402
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:26,335
a tiny, little man downstairs right now
403
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:30,256
who appreciates a woman with
a nice, big set of emotions.
404
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:32,759
[♪ melancholy music playing]
405
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,679
And be gentle with Jill! She's Victorian.
406
00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:41,517
[Eugene Levy]
We're bored.
407
00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:44,687
- Whatcha doing? Checking out the semen?
- What?
408
00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:46,774
Where there's murder, there's semen.
CSI 101.
409
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,609
We can help, you know.
We're not children.
410
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:52,695
And can you open this snick-snack?
My assistant's not here.
411
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:55,114
Okay, I need to work on the case.
412
00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:57,950
So, um, could you actors maybe run lines
413
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:00,661
or do Ozempic,
whatever you guys do?
414
00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:01,913
[Loretta]
Don't wanna interrupt you.
415
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:05,292
[laughs] Just need a little nibble.
416
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,295
- Eugene?
- [shuts fridge]
417
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,672
It's me! Loretta.
418
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:12,965
Loretta...?
419
00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:14,884
Loretta Durkin. [laughs]
420
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:18,679
We did Summer stock together.
Saskatoon '82.
421
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,766
- Um...
- [Loretta laughs]
422
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:24,936
We did that stage adaptation
of James Bond's Moonraker.
423
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,772
I mean, I'm trying to place the face,
but, uh,
424
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,482
I'm coming up empty.
425
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,110
I was Lieutenant Holly Goodhead.
426
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,695
That was my--
427
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,365
Zach!
428
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,950
I adored you in Baskets.
429
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,911
Why, thank you very--
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
430
00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:44,872
Sorry, I have a hole inside of me.
[groans]
431
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:47,458
Um, nobody's complimented me yet, so...
432
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:49,043
[both laugh]
433
00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:51,630
- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Yeah, sure.
434
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:57,593
Hey, I'm sorry, it's just the actors
wanna help with the case.
435
00:18:57,594 --> 00:18:58,678
- Yeah.
- Um,
436
00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:01,514
do you think you can take them out to play
or distract them with your keys?
437
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:05,101
[sighs] Okay, but I think
you're making a big mistake.
438
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:07,478
Actors are investigators, you know.
439
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:09,188
Of the human condition.
440
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,650
LA did this to you in two weeks?
441
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:15,571
[sighs] Just let them in. Come on.
442
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,865
- You never know, it might help.
- [door opens]
443
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,783
- [Mabel] Bev!
- [banging door]
444
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:23,119
Bev! Okay-- Thank God!
445
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,620
I'm gonna need you
446
00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:27,123
to entertain some movie actors.
447
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,875
- [kiss smacks] You're a sweetie.
- Thanks.
448
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:31,878
[in affected accent]
I would love to hang with actors!
449
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:34,630
Where are the "actors"?
450
00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:38,134
Actors, all sitting together,
talking about their craft!
451
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,012
Hey, actors!
452
00:19:40,804 --> 00:19:42,264
Fuck you!
453
00:19:42,764 --> 00:19:45,057
Can I, um--
You want some drink of water?
454
00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:46,392
[childish]
Okay, Mom.
455
00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:47,727
[normal]
Fuck you, TV actor.
456
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:49,770
[gasps] You know my work?
457
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:52,523
"Work"? Let me sum up
the quality of your
458
00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:55,026
"acting ability" in one word.
459
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,446
[blowing raspberry]
460
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:58,654
Oh.
461
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:02,241
[Bev] I'm sick of this bullshit studio,
and the script
462
00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:05,828
with its bullshit plot holes,
and all you self-centered actors,
463
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:07,663
memorizing your lines,
464
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:10,625
and your little baby set slippers,
465
00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:12,835
eating your special actor's food.
466
00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:16,172
I was shot! And I bet it's infected!
I am weeping fluid here!
467
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:19,008
Oh, my God, Zach, cut it out!
468
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:20,718
All you do is complain.
469
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,720
"I'm a self-centered Greek Smurf," and,
470
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:26,515
"I-I got hit by a sniper,
and now I have a boo-boo!"
471
00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:28,851
I can't take it anymore, bro!
472
00:20:28,852 --> 00:20:30,144
[♪ jaunty music playing]
473
00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:33,356
I'm done with Hollywood!
474
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:34,982
- Middle child.
- Single mom.
475
00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:37,068
Low thyroid. No, high. High thyroid.
476
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,654
[Bev]
Three for three, fuckers!
477
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,572
See?
478
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,448
Detectives.
479
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:44,034
[Loretta and Mabel giggle]
480
00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:46,535
Okay, fine.
481
00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:49,580
Actors, let's talk case.
482
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,624
[street noise]
483
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,834
- [clerk sighs]
- [Howard] Come on, man.
484
00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:55,753
Look, I just need to see
485
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:58,715
who is cashing my close
personal friend's checks.
486
00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:03,636
- No.
- I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that.
487
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:05,596
Please! Please, let me just
have a look at that ledger.
488
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,390
Sorry, it's against our policy.
489
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:10,393
You're a bodega.
You barely have a hand-washing policy.
490
00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:11,936
[cat meows]
491
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,229
[Howard sighs]
492
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:16,316
[♪ gentle music playing]
493
00:21:18,902 --> 00:21:20,153
Oh.
494
00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,991
You trained a cat to guard your store?
495
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:27,076
Sí. Gazpacho's tough.
496
00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:29,245
Well, how would you like
for him to be a guest
497
00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:32,582
on the soon-to-be number one
animal labor podcast in the country?
498
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:34,710
[Gazpacho meows]
499
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:38,005
[Howard]
Dudenoff!
500
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:39,547
[gasps]
501
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,173
[♪ tense music playing]
502
00:21:41,174 --> 00:21:42,301
[gasps]
503
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:44,927
Another Dudenoff.
504
00:21:44,928 --> 00:21:46,554
These signatures don't match at all.
505
00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:47,639
[gasps]
506
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,311
Mabel, pick up, pick up,
pick up, oh, my God.
507
00:21:52,894 --> 00:21:56,314
[Mabel]
It all happened the night that Sazz died.
508
00:21:56,315 --> 00:22:00,359
Then the killer texted us,
"I'm watching you," so we came here.
509
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,611
There. Now, you know everything we know.
510
00:22:02,612 --> 00:22:05,406
- Okay, great, we'll take it from here.
- Oh yeah, you think you got this?
511
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:07,825
Mabel, you really have no idea
512
00:22:07,826 --> 00:22:11,829
about the breadth of our skill set here.
513
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,458
Only 3% of our time is devoted
514
00:22:15,208 --> 00:22:16,459
to the actual job.
515
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:19,378
The rest is spent developing talents
516
00:22:19,379 --> 00:22:23,467
that would be helpful in
a character's backstory, like, uh...
517
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:30,264
[in bad Southern drawl] I don't really
cotton to Northern types, y'hear?
518
00:22:30,265 --> 00:22:31,391
[normal]
You know, dialects.
519
00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:34,018
I can skin a deer.
Somebody get me a deer.
520
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:35,354
I can do card tricks.
521
00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:40,399
You guys are all such treasures,
522
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,443
and I cannot wait to hear
what you come up with,
523
00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:44,153
so, um, pick a room.
524
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:45,863
I'll be in a different one.
525
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:47,949
[♪ humming]
526
00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:52,204
- [puts down glasses]
- [Oliver] Ooh, welcome back, my little--
527
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:54,872
- What?
- [slams door]
528
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:56,291
Surprise!
529
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,667
See what I'm trying out?
530
00:22:58,668 --> 00:23:01,128
To extend our time together a little bit?
531
00:23:01,129 --> 00:23:03,214
See? 'Cause look what I found. [gasps]
532
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:04,924
The watermelon liqueur!
533
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:07,385
Oh, thanks, but I-I'm good.
534
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:09,178
And I think that's A.1. Sauce.
535
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:11,597
Oh. Either way. [laughs]
536
00:23:11,598 --> 00:23:13,016
[Loretta]
Oh.
537
00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:15,017
Didn't mean to interrupt.
538
00:23:15,018 --> 00:23:16,477
Loretta, please, interrupt.
539
00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:18,521
Uh, Doreen, uh, if you can...
540
00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:19,855
- [stammering]
- Yes.
541
00:23:19,856 --> 00:23:22,024
So, we have a long-distance relationship,
542
00:23:22,025 --> 00:23:25,069
so every second together is precious.
543
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,822
[Doreen]
Oh. Oh.
544
00:23:27,322 --> 00:23:30,700
Okay, so we're... we're best buds
until Heidi...
545
00:23:31,993 --> 00:23:34,746
shows up, and then what am I?
I'm dog meat?
546
00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:38,582
You know, I'm just tired of
everybody jerkin' me around!
547
00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:40,876
Nobody's jerking anybody around.
548
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,920
[scoffing] Yeah, I think
people are jerking!
549
00:23:42,921 --> 00:23:45,006
- Ow!
- Doreen!
550
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:47,383
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
551
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:50,803
I-I'm being rejected by my husband.
I'm being rejected by your boyfriend.
552
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:52,680
My own brother doesn't wanna talk to me!
553
00:23:52,681 --> 00:23:54,307
I'm... [heavy breaths]
554
00:23:55,058 --> 00:23:56,767
I put hands on you!
555
00:23:56,768 --> 00:23:58,561
[Loretta]
Aw...
556
00:23:58,562 --> 00:24:00,563
- Poor thing.
- Oof.
557
00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:02,398
But you can't blame her
558
00:24:02,399 --> 00:24:05,568
for being attracted to Oliver Putnam.
You are a magnet.
559
00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:07,319
- [laughs] Well...
- [laughs] Thanks.
560
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,613
- [glasses clink]
- [both laugh]
561
00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:11,700
- [Loretta] Mm-hmm.
- [Oliver] Mm...
562
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:13,784
- [puts down glass]
- Okay.
563
00:24:13,785 --> 00:24:16,329
[♪ soft piano playing]
564
00:24:16,913 --> 00:24:19,331
- Hey. Uh...
- [Oliver] Here we are at the piano again.
565
00:24:19,332 --> 00:24:22,168
- [♪ stops playing]
- I'm just, I'm a little bit jealous
566
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:25,338
of whatever it was you said
to my stand-in yesterday.
567
00:24:26,673 --> 00:24:28,091
On the phone.
568
00:24:28,675 --> 00:24:30,385
Oh, it was just-- I just...
569
00:24:31,636 --> 00:24:33,345
I think you had to be there.
570
00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:35,932
- Yeah. [giggles] But, what'd you say?
- [awkward laugh]
571
00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:38,393
Well, I-I just, uh...
572
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,312
I just said that when
we were at that party in LA,
573
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,105
- you know, in that strange fire pit...
- Ah, yeah.
574
00:24:43,106 --> 00:24:45,483
...that, uh, I almost... [inhales]
575
00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:47,152
proposed to you.
576
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,362
You wh-- You what?
577
00:24:50,363 --> 00:24:52,198
Well, it was just a
spur-of-the-moment thing.
578
00:24:52,199 --> 00:24:54,325
You know, I mean, you were going to LA,
579
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,620
- a-and I was afraid of losing you.
- Oh, yeah.
580
00:24:57,621 --> 00:25:00,039
No, no, I-I don't mean I don't want to.
581
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,708
Loretta, I adore you. I've been...
582
00:25:02,709 --> 00:25:06,253
spinning out of control
trying to stay close to you.
583
00:25:06,254 --> 00:25:08,547
- I mean, really I-- [stammering]
- [Loretta giggles]
584
00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:12,343
I even invented
a crafty heartland Insta-grammy
585
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:14,471
j-just to see what you were up to.
586
00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:16,347
A what?
587
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,390
[in Midwestern accent]
"The only way to be yourself
588
00:25:18,391 --> 00:25:20,976
is to find yourself, yourself."
589
00:25:20,977 --> 00:25:23,188
Oh, my God, you're Ronnie?
590
00:25:24,272 --> 00:25:27,816
- Yeah. I--
- Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [gasps]
591
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,401
I connected with Ronnie.
592
00:25:29,402 --> 00:25:31,446
- [♪ somber music playing]
- I-I-I...
593
00:25:32,197 --> 00:25:35,450
took screenshots of her memes. I-I...
594
00:25:35,992 --> 00:25:37,618
I told her things.
595
00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:39,787
- And she appreciated all of them. She--
- Oh.
596
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:43,582
So, you, what, you stalked me,
and then you tricked me,
597
00:25:43,583 --> 00:25:46,377
and then you...
were going to propose to me,
598
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:48,170
but only because you were scared,
599
00:25:48,171 --> 00:25:50,756
and then you broke up with me over text?
600
00:25:50,757 --> 00:25:52,091
[heavy breaths]
601
00:25:52,092 --> 00:25:54,969
Well, when you list them
all in a row like that...
602
00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:56,721
I need a minute. [crying]
603
00:25:57,639 --> 00:25:59,140
Loretta! I...
604
00:26:01,351 --> 00:26:02,352
[sighs]
605
00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:06,523
- [♪ bangs piano]
- [groans] [grunts]
606
00:26:08,858 --> 00:26:10,150
[insects chirping outside]
607
00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:13,362
[phone swooshing]
608
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:15,447
Oh, goddammit.
609
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:18,034
[swooshing continues]
610
00:26:22,789 --> 00:26:23,790
Hello.
611
00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:26,334
Uh...
612
00:26:27,252 --> 00:26:30,755
I should-- No,
I-I want to apologize.
613
00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:34,009
I was outta line before.
614
00:26:34,634 --> 00:26:36,135
Crystal Light got on top of me.
615
00:26:36,136 --> 00:26:38,596
Yeah, well, [weak laugh]
616
00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:41,016
we all have our moments.
617
00:26:41,391 --> 00:26:43,768
S-So, um...
618
00:26:45,228 --> 00:26:48,607
seems like things aren't going too well
for you and your little man.
619
00:26:50,358 --> 00:26:52,568
I think my little man...
620
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:54,154
might be crazy.
621
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,282
Okay, what is it with everybody
thinking that anyone
622
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:00,367
who feels is crazy?
623
00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:02,745
I mean, maybe,
maybe he's not crazy.
624
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:04,622
M-Maybe he's just emotional!
625
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,707
You know, and isn't that
better than not feeling enough?
626
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:08,626
I mean, his heart is an open book!
627
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:11,503
[sighs] Yeah, maybe you're right.
628
00:27:11,504 --> 00:27:14,923
- [laughs] Maybe you're right.
- Maybe, huh?
629
00:27:14,924 --> 00:27:17,968
What do I know, maybe.
Or maybe I'm just a stupid idiot!
630
00:27:17,969 --> 00:27:19,511
Calm down now.
631
00:27:19,512 --> 00:27:21,513
Okay, don't tell me to calm down.
632
00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:23,515
Okay, why don't you go
back to Beverly Hills?!
633
00:27:23,516 --> 00:27:25,309
Whoa! [laughs]
634
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:28,145
Listen, I rent a studio in Burbank.
635
00:27:28,146 --> 00:27:29,855
You know, it's under a Whole Foods.
636
00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:32,941
I don't need you throwing
your rich bitch shit in my face.
637
00:27:32,942 --> 00:27:35,027
You need to calm down, really.
638
00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:36,403
You need to get out of my house,
639
00:27:36,404 --> 00:27:38,572
- you Hollywood hussy!
- [Loretta screams]
640
00:27:38,573 --> 00:27:39,865
- [Doreen grunting]
- [Loretta yelps]
641
00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:41,450
What is this? What is--
642
00:27:41,451 --> 00:27:43,619
- [Doreen] Get-- Stop resisting!
- Whoa!
643
00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:46,121
Stay away from me!
No, what are you doing to me?!
644
00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:47,748
I don't know why you're
eatin' your braids!
645
00:27:47,749 --> 00:27:49,583
- Oh, my God!
- [Doreen] Why you eatin' 'em?
646
00:27:49,584 --> 00:27:52,211
- Why you eatin' your braids, huh? Oh!
- [muffled yelling]
647
00:27:52,212 --> 00:27:54,213
She was in Moonraker.
648
00:27:54,214 --> 00:27:55,589
[gasps] My pacemaker.
649
00:27:55,590 --> 00:27:56,757
My pacemaker!
650
00:27:56,758 --> 00:27:58,592
- My pacemaker.
- I didn't know you had a pacemaker.
651
00:27:58,593 --> 00:28:00,552
- Oh, my God. Oh.
- [Loretta gasping]
652
00:28:00,553 --> 00:28:02,262
Oh, my God, I didn't know!
653
00:28:02,263 --> 00:28:05,015
- I didn't know.
- [gasping, sighs]
654
00:28:05,016 --> 00:28:06,475
[♪ dramatic music playing]
655
00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:09,645
[giggles] I was acting. [gasps]
656
00:28:09,646 --> 00:28:11,355
- Not very good.
- And I took stage combat
657
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:12,815
with Sensei Brian.
658
00:28:12,816 --> 00:28:14,483
- Ha!
- [Doreen yells]
659
00:28:14,484 --> 00:28:17,027
Oh, my tooth! [whimpers]
660
00:28:17,028 --> 00:28:18,612
I should stop this!
661
00:28:18,613 --> 00:28:20,656
Who wears a train in their own house?
662
00:28:20,657 --> 00:28:22,200
- [Doreen] Oh God!
- No, no, no, I shouldn't!
663
00:28:23,076 --> 00:28:25,077
[screaming, fighting]
664
00:28:25,078 --> 00:28:27,788
- Come here, baby! Ah!
- [Oliver] My God!
665
00:28:27,789 --> 00:28:29,998
What was in that Crystal Light?
Bath salts?
666
00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:31,333
[fighting, screaming continues]
667
00:28:31,334 --> 00:28:32,459
Hey, Doreen!
668
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:34,169
- [Doreen] Get her off me!
- [Eva] You gotta bridge!
669
00:28:34,170 --> 00:28:36,296
You're gonna have to get your hand
in there for a choke hold.
670
00:28:36,297 --> 00:28:37,715
- [whipping]
- Bridge! Come on, kill!
671
00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:39,341
- [screaming]
- [Oliver] Whoa, whoa, easy, ladies!
672
00:28:39,342 --> 00:28:40,426
Get off me! Get off me!
673
00:28:40,427 --> 00:28:42,386
No need to fight over me
like Loni Anderson and Charo!
674
00:28:42,387 --> 00:28:45,389
- Get off me! [chomps]
- Ow! [groans]
675
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,099
[Doreen]
Who's the chocolate Swiss Miss--
676
00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:49,351
- Get away, you bitch!
- Are you sorry?
677
00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:51,479
I'm sorry you're on me!
678
00:28:52,313 --> 00:28:53,564
[panting]
679
00:28:53,565 --> 00:28:54,941
I'm sorry, too.
680
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:57,694
[Doreen winces]
681
00:28:59,279 --> 00:29:00,612
[adhesive ripping]
682
00:29:00,613 --> 00:29:03,532
[Charles]
Hey. You know, Doreen, uh...
683
00:29:03,533 --> 00:29:05,075
I'm a little worried about you.
684
00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:06,368
- Is that alright?
- Yeah.
685
00:29:06,369 --> 00:29:08,746
I mean, your husband
lives in the driveway,
686
00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:10,956
and you're fighting with a TV actress,
687
00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:13,625
and you're, you're stuck
on this thing I did
688
00:29:13,626 --> 00:29:15,085
when you were a toddler.
689
00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:17,337
Oh, my God, fuck the spleen.
690
00:29:17,338 --> 00:29:19,089
Come on, I make jokes about it
691
00:29:19,090 --> 00:29:21,384
because it's not a big deal.
692
00:29:22,218 --> 00:29:24,261
It's not funny to me.
693
00:29:24,262 --> 00:29:27,724
I mean, y-you were so little,
and I was-- I was 19.
694
00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:30,392
And that day at the hospital,
695
00:29:30,393 --> 00:29:34,522
Mom wouldn't stop screaming at me.
She never forgave me.
696
00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:37,692
She was bonkers, and y-you know that.
697
00:29:41,029 --> 00:29:43,531
Do you know why I remember
going to see your play?
698
00:29:45,366 --> 00:29:48,411
Because Mom held my hand
when we walked in.
699
00:29:52,499 --> 00:29:54,000
She held your hand?
700
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,420
- Wow.
- I know.
701
00:30:00,089 --> 00:30:02,592
I don't think she had ever done it before.
702
00:30:03,551 --> 00:30:05,552
And I don't ever remember her
doing it again.
703
00:30:05,553 --> 00:30:07,554
[♪ melancholy music playing]
704
00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:09,641
God, she was so distant.
705
00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:13,311
And then, she was gone.
706
00:30:14,521 --> 00:30:16,314
And you were gone, too.
707
00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:18,608
Now, I'm this.
708
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,735
- I visit.
- Every now and then,
709
00:30:21,736 --> 00:30:25,072
but you're never really here, you know?
710
00:30:25,073 --> 00:30:28,158
Then, I heard your podcast and...
711
00:30:28,159 --> 00:30:29,953
heard you yucking it up with all...
712
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:32,330
all your friends.
713
00:30:32,914 --> 00:30:35,374
The podcast is about
our neighbors being murdered.
714
00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:37,460
Yeah, but you made it sound cozy.
715
00:30:39,921 --> 00:30:41,422
Somehow, it made me...
716
00:30:42,465 --> 00:30:44,091
feel even lonelier.
717
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:45,676
Oh, God.
718
00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:47,762
I'm a needy mess.
719
00:30:49,639 --> 00:30:51,474
Well, I'm-I'm an uptight mess.
720
00:30:52,183 --> 00:30:55,561
- Can we just blame Mom?
- Well, she's dead.
721
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:57,730
- It can't hurt.
- [both chuckle]
722
00:30:58,606 --> 00:30:59,607
[Doreen sniffles]
723
00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:04,195
I think about you a lot.
724
00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:08,324
And I'd like to be better about
staying in touch, if it's not too late.
725
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:12,871
I would like that.
I'd like that a lot.
726
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:15,373
- I would, too.
- [footsteps]
727
00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:18,375
Great news, everybody! Ah!
728
00:31:18,376 --> 00:31:21,628
I just had the best nap.
I feel so good.
729
00:31:21,629 --> 00:31:24,798
Everything is so crystal clear to me now.
730
00:31:24,799 --> 00:31:26,383
You know, yelling at those actors
731
00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:30,012
reminded me of why I got into
this business in the first place.
732
00:31:30,013 --> 00:31:31,638
It's because no matter what,
733
00:31:31,639 --> 00:31:35,392
I care so much! I realized it.
734
00:31:35,393 --> 00:31:37,394
Movies are my passion!
735
00:31:37,395 --> 00:31:40,230
And I yelled all of that
at the head of the studio
736
00:31:40,231 --> 00:31:42,274
in my room for two hours,
so guess what,
737
00:31:42,275 --> 00:31:43,734
Charles and leopard lady?
738
00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:46,278
The movie is now
739
00:31:46,279 --> 00:31:47,738
full speed ahead!
740
00:31:47,739 --> 00:31:48,947
Can you believe it?
741
00:31:48,948 --> 00:31:50,366
Back to business.
742
00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:53,119
Hollywood!
743
00:31:53,828 --> 00:31:55,370
Who is that fuckin' woman?
744
00:31:55,371 --> 00:31:57,665
[front door opens, shuts]
745
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:02,128
[both sighing]
746
00:32:02,295 --> 00:32:05,380
Well, the car comes in a few minutes.
747
00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:07,467
So, to recap,
748
00:32:08,843 --> 00:32:11,762
I fought a woman, and I won. [laughs]
749
00:32:11,763 --> 00:32:12,847
[Oliver chuckles]
750
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:16,350
Also, I discovered you may be crazy.
751
00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:18,645
I-If I'm being honest,
752
00:32:20,271 --> 00:32:22,773
I haven't been in a relationship,
753
00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:24,859
a real one, for a decade.
754
00:32:25,777 --> 00:32:26,861
Maybe two.
755
00:32:28,029 --> 00:32:29,530
So...
756
00:32:30,698 --> 00:32:33,201
when I met you, I-I just...
757
00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:37,412
- [sighs] lost my cool.
- [Loretta giggles]
758
00:32:37,413 --> 00:32:39,624
And I may never get it back.
759
00:32:40,291 --> 00:32:42,293
But, if, if...
760
00:32:42,669 --> 00:32:44,671
if you can't handle that...
761
00:32:46,047 --> 00:32:48,633
flavor of crazy, no one would blame you.
762
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:50,384
S...
763
00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:53,972
So, if-if you wanna run, run.
764
00:32:57,266 --> 00:32:58,768
You don't have to sprint.
765
00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:02,854
- [Loretta sighs]
- [bracelet rattling]
766
00:33:02,855 --> 00:33:06,818
[Loretta] Oliver, from the moment
I met you, I knew,
767
00:33:07,485 --> 00:33:10,862
deep in my heart,
that you were a lunatic.
768
00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:12,948
You must have, [sighs] by my count,
769
00:33:12,949 --> 00:33:15,409
six different stories about
770
00:33:15,410 --> 00:33:17,911
running into Lynda Carter
at grocery stores.
771
00:33:17,912 --> 00:33:20,706
Wonder Woman and a wonderful lady.
772
00:33:20,707 --> 00:33:23,417
Well, t-to the, to the point, [laughs]
773
00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:26,920
despite your obvious pathologies,
774
00:33:26,921 --> 00:33:28,839
I'm here still.
775
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,049
And I'm not going anywhere.
776
00:33:31,050 --> 00:33:33,845
And I sign on to your crazy...
777
00:33:35,054 --> 00:33:36,556
for a lifetime.
778
00:33:37,557 --> 00:33:41,226
- [sighs]
- [♪ gentle music playing]
779
00:33:41,227 --> 00:33:44,313
You're... giving me a doll's bracelet?
780
00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:46,773
[stammers]
781
00:33:46,774 --> 00:33:49,860
I'm proposing to you, Oliver.
782
00:33:49,861 --> 00:33:52,030
I wanna marry you.
783
00:33:55,116 --> 00:33:57,034
Well, before I accept,
784
00:33:57,035 --> 00:33:58,910
just out of curiosity,
785
00:33:58,911 --> 00:34:01,038
is there any family money?
786
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:04,834
[both laughing]
787
00:34:06,461 --> 00:34:08,086
- I accept.
- Oh...
788
00:34:08,087 --> 00:34:09,171
[kissing]
789
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:10,797
[pots banging]
790
00:34:10,798 --> 00:34:12,383
[Eva]
Wake up!
791
00:34:13,176 --> 00:34:15,218
Rise and shine!
792
00:34:15,219 --> 00:34:16,720
[banging continues]
793
00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:19,639
[Doreen]
I gotta sleep! I have a hangover!
794
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:22,225
Shut the fuck up!
795
00:34:22,226 --> 00:34:23,685
- [banging stops]
- Thank you.
796
00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:25,645
- Case closed!
- [Oliver] Oh, my God!
797
00:34:25,646 --> 00:34:27,564
Okay, wh-what's going on?
798
00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:29,191
Let me direct your attention
799
00:34:29,192 --> 00:34:30,859
to the Murder Wall!
800
00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:33,195
Which is like your murder board,
but bigger,
801
00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:34,654
therefore, ours is better.
802
00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:36,656
For starters, w-we agree with you.
803
00:34:36,657 --> 00:34:39,326
Whosever cashing Dudenoff's
checks is after you.
804
00:34:39,327 --> 00:34:41,078
But, looking back,
805
00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:43,663
- we believe that this mystery...
- [Eva] Mm-hmm.
806
00:34:43,664 --> 00:34:45,207
...did not start with Sazz's murder.
807
00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:47,667
- [Eva] No.
- No. It all goes back to season one,
808
00:34:47,668 --> 00:34:50,253
which, by the way, has more holes
809
00:34:50,254 --> 00:34:51,838
- than Zach Galifianakis.
- [Zach laughs]
810
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:54,382
[Zach]
I mean, th-they're all over the script!
811
00:34:54,383 --> 00:34:57,094
For instance, uh... yeah,
who poisoned Winnie?
812
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:59,387
You thought it was Sting.
You know what, it wasn't Sting,
813
00:34:59,388 --> 00:35:00,931
and then, you just dropped it.
814
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:02,600
- Winnie?
- [Winnie whimpering]
815
00:35:03,476 --> 00:35:06,186
Oh, my God. Who would do this to you?
816
00:35:06,187 --> 00:35:07,687
I assumed it was Jan.
817
00:35:07,688 --> 00:35:10,149
Wrong! Look at the note on your door.
818
00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:15,529
"End the podcast or I will end you."
See the smudge mark?
819
00:35:15,530 --> 00:35:17,364
That was written by a left-handed person.
820
00:35:17,365 --> 00:35:18,698
How could you know that?
821
00:35:18,699 --> 00:35:21,535
Because I studied handwriting
when I played Marc Antonio
822
00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:24,246
in the un-produced pilot
The Calligrapher's Wife.
823
00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:26,081
[Eva]
And Jan was not left-handed.
824
00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:28,250
- [Zach] No.
- Look at the way she holds her bassoon.
825
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:29,709
♪
826
00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:32,337
I shadowed the Boston Pops
when I was preparing
827
00:35:32,338 --> 00:35:34,257
for Symphony Chimp.
828
00:35:34,674 --> 00:35:36,466
[Eugene]
Plot hole number two.
829
00:35:36,467 --> 00:35:38,761
The note on Jan's door.
830
00:35:40,429 --> 00:35:41,722
[Mabel]
"I'm watching you."
831
00:35:42,223 --> 00:35:44,642
Just like the text message.
832
00:35:46,185 --> 00:35:49,312
- It's the--
- Same person. Very good, Mabel.
833
00:35:49,313 --> 00:35:52,774
Your murderer has been
after you since season one.
834
00:35:52,775 --> 00:35:55,862
♪
835
00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:58,781
And Sazz knew all of that.
836
00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:02,075
Think back to her apartment! Uh--
837
00:36:02,076 --> 00:36:03,870
"Sick pup." That's Winnie!
838
00:36:05,079 --> 00:36:08,081
"Door note."
That's the note on Jan's door.
839
00:36:08,082 --> 00:36:11,626
Sazz figured this all out.
Maybe that's what she wanted to tell me.
840
00:36:11,627 --> 00:36:14,004
Wow, I...
841
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:17,382
I stand corrected. I guess I should've
brought you guys in sooner.
842
00:36:17,383 --> 00:36:20,552
Thank you. Actors, one.
Real-life dipshits, zero.
843
00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:22,847
[Eva]
[laughs] Yes. Idiots.
844
00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:29,270
Why are you smiling?
845
00:36:30,479 --> 00:36:33,941
Oh, I-I know it's not the right time,
but, uh...
846
00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:38,278
this bitch is gettin' married.
[giggles]
847
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:41,031
[♪ gentle music playing]
848
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:42,407
[muffled chatter]
849
00:36:42,408 --> 00:36:43,992
[narrator]
You know, not for nothin',
850
00:36:43,993 --> 00:36:46,454
the truth is
you can never be totally safe.
851
00:36:47,038 --> 00:36:51,208
The best you can do is find
some people who love you,
852
00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:54,920
who'll share a bottle of red,
a bottle of white....
853
00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:56,338
Well, okay, this is not a competition.
854
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:59,466
Hey hey! Look at this!
Gang's all here, huh? [laughs]
855
00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:01,135
[Charles]
Hey, Big Mike.
856
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:04,888
How was brunch at Can-Cans?
857
00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:06,806
Oh, come on, babe. I just go there
858
00:37:06,807 --> 00:37:09,810
'cause they give cops the dinner menu
at lunch prices.
859
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:12,771
You know I'm not an ass guy.
860
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:14,148
I'm a you guy.
861
00:37:16,442 --> 00:37:19,069
You have permission to board,
and I don't mean the boat.
862
00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:21,071
[snickers] Mm!
863
00:37:21,072 --> 00:37:22,364
- [muffled laugh] Oh!
- [kissing]
864
00:37:22,365 --> 00:37:24,658
- Captain Jack will get you high tonight.
- Oh!
865
00:37:24,659 --> 00:37:26,369
[muffled laughing]
866
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:29,871
Ooh! [panting]
867
00:37:29,872 --> 00:37:32,249
- That's good stuff. [sighs]
- Oh, hey, Chuckie,
868
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,460
uh, your friend Howard's
trying to reach you all.
869
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:36,586
Somehow, he got my number.
870
00:37:36,587 --> 00:37:39,047
He says he knows who killed Dudenoff.
871
00:37:39,048 --> 00:37:41,132
Yeah, yeah, I wrote it down,
so I'd get it right.
872
00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:44,052
He wanted me to tell you, uh,
873
00:37:44,053 --> 00:37:46,846
it wasn't just one person
cashing his checks.
874
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:50,016
He found five different signatures
with one phone number.
875
00:37:50,017 --> 00:37:51,810
[Howard]
Go forward. Pause.
876
00:37:51,811 --> 00:37:54,020
[gasps] Go forward, go forward.
877
00:37:54,021 --> 00:37:56,147
[♪ dramatic music playing]
878
00:37:56,148 --> 00:37:57,483
Go forward.
879
00:37:58,359 --> 00:37:59,943
- [gasps] Pause right there.
- [remote clicks]
880
00:37:59,944 --> 00:38:01,027
Inez.
881
00:38:01,028 --> 00:38:02,446
Fast forward.
882
00:38:02,738 --> 00:38:05,198
[gasps] Oh, my God.
883
00:38:05,199 --> 00:38:07,033
Go forward, go forward again.
884
00:38:07,034 --> 00:38:08,535
♪
885
00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:10,078
[gasps] Rudy?
886
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:12,164
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.
887
00:38:13,207 --> 00:38:14,541
Oh, my God. Qué?
888
00:38:14,542 --> 00:38:16,294
Okay, I'm calling the number.
889
00:38:16,711 --> 00:38:19,171
[keypad clacking]
890
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:21,381
- [clears throat]
- [line ringing]
891
00:38:21,382 --> 00:38:24,468
- [ring tone]
- [people chattering]
892
00:38:26,595 --> 00:38:28,806
[ringing continues]
893
00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:30,141
[ring tone stops]
894
00:38:31,017 --> 00:38:32,726
Hello?
895
00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:34,519
This is Milton Dudenoff.
896
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:35,603
[Howard gasps]
897
00:38:35,604 --> 00:38:37,689
[♪ dramatic music playing]
898
00:38:37,690 --> 00:38:39,400
Uh, whatever a "Westie" is,
899
00:38:40,067 --> 00:38:41,484
Howard says it was all of them.
900
00:38:41,485 --> 00:38:42,570
[Oliver gasps]
901
00:38:44,530 --> 00:38:46,032
[line disconnects]
902
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:49,702
They know.
903
00:38:56,584 --> 00:38:59,587
[♪ melancholy music playing]
904
00:39:21,108 --> 00:39:24,570
♪
905
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:52,640
[♪ fanfare playing]