1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:02,792 Who is Dudenoff? 2 00:00:02,793 --> 00:00:04,210 Do you know who's out to get me? 3 00:00:04,211 --> 00:00:05,670 The last person who came around 4 00:00:05,671 --> 00:00:07,255 asking these questions got killed. 5 00:00:07,256 --> 00:00:10,008 We're illegally subletting rent-controlled apartments. 6 00:00:10,009 --> 00:00:13,219 Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal. We send him rent. 7 00:00:13,220 --> 00:00:14,721 The voice on the ham radio said-- 8 00:00:14,722 --> 00:00:17,223 - That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend, - Your crazy ex-girlfriend. 9 00:00:17,224 --> 00:00:20,644 You may have heard about our little "firearms moment" at the photo shoot. 10 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,021 It's Glen! He's still alive! 11 00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:25,481 They got me in my fat! 12 00:00:25,482 --> 00:00:27,400 {\an8}Dudenoff? He's been cashing social security checks 13 00:00:27,401 --> 00:00:29,110 {\an8}at a bodega on 125th Street. 14 00:00:29,111 --> 00:00:30,903 {\an8}There's two left shoulders? 15 00:00:30,904 --> 00:00:34,073 Sazz's body wasn't the only one in the incinerator. 16 00:00:34,074 --> 00:00:36,784 It belongs... to Dudenoff. 17 00:00:36,785 --> 00:00:38,786 Oliver, I wanna marry you. 18 00:00:38,787 --> 00:00:40,997 Whosever cashing Dudenoff's checks is after you. 19 00:00:40,998 --> 00:00:44,083 Your friend Howard says he knows who killed Dudenoff. 20 00:00:44,084 --> 00:00:46,669 Wasn't just one person cashing his checks. 21 00:00:46,670 --> 00:00:49,005 He found five different signatures 22 00:00:49,006 --> 00:00:51,050 - with one phone number. - Hello? 23 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,346 They know. 24 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:05,146 Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film 25 00:01:05,147 --> 00:01:10,109 set entirely in a small boat filled with disparate characters 26 00:01:10,110 --> 00:01:13,863 who learn how far they'd go to survive the rough waters 27 00:01:13,864 --> 00:01:15,657 of their perilous circumstances. 28 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,826 In New York City, 29 00:01:18,827 --> 00:01:23,623 a lifeboat can look a lot like an affordable apartment in a nice building 30 00:01:23,624 --> 00:01:25,750 on the Upper West Side. 31 00:01:25,751 --> 00:01:27,210 Can I go in this way? 32 00:01:27,211 --> 00:01:28,295 Hey, taxi! 33 00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:38,515 Well, I can make another tape. I c-- 34 00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:42,809 - Hey! - Hey. Call-- call me back. 35 00:01:42,810 --> 00:01:45,269 You got one of those fancy invites from Dudenoff, too, huh? 36 00:01:45,270 --> 00:01:48,022 Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery." 37 00:01:48,023 --> 00:01:50,149 I think it was delivered by a raven. 38 00:01:50,150 --> 00:01:53,238 - Is your eye okay? - Yeah, it's probably just allergies. 39 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,988 Hey! You guys got an invite, too? 40 00:01:55,989 --> 00:01:57,865 Yeah. Check out this cardstock. 41 00:01:57,866 --> 00:02:00,954 He knows we can, like, text, right? 42 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:03,621 Is someone gonna knock already? 43 00:02:03,622 --> 00:02:06,332 Wait for me! Wait for me! 44 00:02:06,333 --> 00:02:08,417 - Helga! - I brought my new girlfriend. 45 00:02:08,418 --> 00:02:10,086 I hope that is okay. 46 00:02:10,087 --> 00:02:12,630 Of course. Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker? 47 00:02:12,631 --> 00:02:14,466 Piggy in a blanket! 48 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,595 Oh, hell! 49 00:02:19,596 --> 00:02:21,389 Look who it is. 50 00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:23,977 Come on in. Make yourself comfortable. 51 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,979 I'm about to change your lives. 52 00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:21,240 {\an8}One thing about choosing a safe house 53 00:03:21,241 --> 00:03:22,410 {\an8}filled with your family. 54 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,370 {\an8}What's that, Charles? 55 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:28,540 {\an8}It makes going home to a building full of murderers more appealing. 56 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:36,130 {\an8}Seriously? 57 00:03:36,131 --> 00:03:38,885 {\an8}Okay, just put-- 58 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:43,054 {\an8}No, no, no. Charles, use your hips. 59 00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:45,389 {\an8}Up and around like a hula hoop. Do this thing. 60 00:03:45,390 --> 00:03:47,350 {\an8}- It's not helping. - Would you just let me? 61 00:03:47,351 --> 00:03:50,436 {\an8}No, I can do it. It's just a problem with the, uh, th-the fuselage. 62 00:03:50,437 --> 00:03:52,813 {\an8}How do neither of you know how to pop the hood of a car? 63 00:03:52,814 --> 00:03:56,567 - Because real men hire other men, Mabel. - Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away, 64 00:03:56,568 --> 00:03:59,445 {\an8}and it's good to leave them something to do 'cause it makes 'em happy. 65 00:03:59,446 --> 00:04:02,533 {\an8}You're a real philanthropist. Hang on. 66 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,868 {\an8}They're calling again! Ignore! 67 00:04:05,869 --> 00:04:08,829 {\an8}Well, while we're waiting, 68 00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,831 {\an8}we should probably do a recap. 69 00:04:10,832 --> 00:04:12,458 {\an8}Here's what we know so far. 70 00:04:12,459 --> 00:04:15,253 {\an8}This Dudenoff guy has a bunch of rent-controlled units, 71 00:04:15,254 --> 00:04:17,171 and he moved the Westies in. 72 00:04:17,172 --> 00:04:21,008 Then, even though they need him alive to keep their homes, 73 00:04:21,009 --> 00:04:23,010 they kill and burn him. 74 00:04:23,011 --> 00:04:25,012 And then, they cash his checks to cover it up. 75 00:04:25,013 --> 00:04:29,058 And when poor Sazz caught onto them, they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment. 76 00:04:29,059 --> 00:04:30,851 And then, they shot at me, barely missing 77 00:04:30,852 --> 00:04:33,145 the most essential person to our investigative work. 78 00:04:33,146 --> 00:04:35,189 I can't believe Vince Fish would do this! 79 00:04:35,190 --> 00:04:36,857 He was my Wordle buddy! 80 00:04:36,858 --> 00:04:39,777 Oh! [growls] Hold on. 81 00:04:39,778 --> 00:04:42,405 Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now. 82 00:04:42,406 --> 00:04:43,823 Hello? 83 00:04:43,824 --> 00:04:47,827 Hey, guys! So the sexy half of this crime-solving sextet 84 00:04:47,828 --> 00:04:49,328 has some thoughts. 85 00:04:49,329 --> 00:04:51,330 Don't you have to go to rehearsal? 86 00:04:51,331 --> 00:04:53,874 Now that we know that we're indispensable, we cannot leave you alone. 87 00:04:53,875 --> 00:04:55,960 We are professional investigators, 88 00:04:55,961 --> 00:04:58,170 and you are playing us in a movie because of it! 89 00:04:58,171 --> 00:04:59,630 We are fine on our own! 90 00:04:59,631 --> 00:05:01,882 Hey, can we just, uh, mute you for a second? 91 00:05:01,883 --> 00:05:03,801 If you're muting us, we're muting you! 92 00:05:03,802 --> 00:05:05,555 Okay, good. Muting each other. 93 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:08,931 Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this? 94 00:05:08,932 --> 00:05:11,100 Uh, y-you didn't mute us. 95 00:05:11,101 --> 00:05:13,936 Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now. 96 00:05:13,937 --> 00:05:16,731 - What happened? I'm muted. - No, we can still hear you. 97 00:05:16,732 --> 00:05:19,066 Tell you what? Let's just not mute! 98 00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:21,110 We need to find someplace safe to plan. 99 00:05:21,111 --> 00:05:23,155 Anywhere but the Arconia. 100 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,367 Okay. I know just the place. 101 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,749 Okay, but how do we get a confession? 102 00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:38,085 Well, I have an idea, but it involves someone. 103 00:05:38,086 --> 00:05:40,713 - Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza-- - It's Tony Danza. 104 00:05:40,714 --> 00:05:43,759 Eugene, can we go one day without you mentioning Tony Danza? 105 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:45,970 Hey, look. 106 00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,185 How could my character live here? 107 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,771 The albums, not alphabetized. 108 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,104 Oh! Nice. 109 00:05:57,105 --> 00:06:00,983 Nice. A first edition touching a second edition! 110 00:06:00,984 --> 00:06:03,321 Yeah, brilliant. That's really good. 111 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,323 Oh, really? 112 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,909 - Oh. - Okay. 113 00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:11,869 So, we bust in on the Westies with two celebrities 114 00:06:11,870 --> 00:06:13,579 - and Eugene. - Mm-hmm. 115 00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:14,663 Then, what? 116 00:06:14,664 --> 00:06:16,123 It's almost go-time on the movie, 117 00:06:16,124 --> 00:06:18,084 so I'm gonna pump my cheeks while we spitball. 118 00:06:18,085 --> 00:06:20,127 Can we get back to my idea for a minute? 119 00:06:20,128 --> 00:06:21,212 Because it's so simple. 120 00:06:21,213 --> 00:06:23,839 We invite the Westies to, yes, 121 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:26,342 Tony Danza's 35th annual 122 00:06:26,343 --> 00:06:28,803 "It's Time To Wear White Pants Extrava-Danza." 123 00:06:28,804 --> 00:06:32,556 Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of Who's the Boss? 124 00:06:32,557 --> 00:06:34,934 - I don't care. It's okay. - Oh. 125 00:06:34,935 --> 00:06:37,520 Then, we tell the Sauce Family that Tony wants 126 00:06:37,521 --> 00:06:40,231 to start his own line of sauces called 127 00:06:40,232 --> 00:06:41,607 "Who's the Sauce?" 128 00:06:41,608 --> 00:06:44,443 The Westies will then spill their story 129 00:06:44,444 --> 00:06:48,697 on account of Danza's, uh, neighborhood wise-guy charisma. 130 00:06:48,698 --> 00:06:51,367 - Danza's the perfect plan-za. - Mm. 131 00:06:51,368 --> 00:06:52,743 I love it. I love it. 132 00:06:52,744 --> 00:06:55,079 I would change it slightly and maybe not do it. 133 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,584 And instead, surprise them with a ding-dong. 134 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,253 - Wh-What...? - Uh, say more about the ding-dong. 135 00:07:02,254 --> 00:07:06,132 In soapy TV, a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise. 136 00:07:06,133 --> 00:07:08,884 It's like a-a long-lost brother returns, 137 00:07:08,885 --> 00:07:11,262 or, uh, your paralyzed uncle 138 00:07:11,263 --> 00:07:13,347 starts to walk again after 40 years. 139 00:07:13,348 --> 00:07:14,849 Y-You're overthinking it. 140 00:07:14,850 --> 00:07:17,935 One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff, and the others are covering for 'em. 141 00:07:17,936 --> 00:07:19,437 All we need to do is get them talking. 142 00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:21,522 I say that we invite the Westies 143 00:07:21,523 --> 00:07:24,108 to a celebrity-studded... 144 00:07:24,109 --> 00:07:26,485 super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's. 145 00:07:26,486 --> 00:07:27,820 That's good. 146 00:07:27,821 --> 00:07:30,197 Right. Our own turf. The key is to remain calm. 147 00:07:30,198 --> 00:07:33,159 Well, having precise control of our emotions 148 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,161 is what actors do best. 149 00:07:35,162 --> 00:07:36,871 Yeah, the question is can you three do it? 150 00:07:36,872 --> 00:07:38,914 First of all, I am an actor! 151 00:07:38,915 --> 00:07:40,040 Well, let's not go crazy. 152 00:07:40,041 --> 00:07:43,836 But also, I'm entirely capable of catching the killer of my dear friend 153 00:07:43,837 --> 00:07:46,883 who only wanted to open a trampoline park so young-- 154 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,472 I need to lie down. 155 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,228 Where the fuck is my bedroom?! 156 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,981 I hope Charles can hold it together. 157 00:08:03,982 --> 00:08:07,444 Confronting a friend's killer just brings up a lotta shit. 158 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,867 Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores 159 00:08:14,868 --> 00:08:18,913 with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool. 160 00:08:18,914 --> 00:08:20,498 This is the infrared setting. 161 00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:22,291 Yeah, it's also a nail gun, 162 00:08:22,292 --> 00:08:25,295 has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head. 163 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,924 - Hello? - [on phone] Hi! 164 00:08:29,925 --> 00:08:32,718 Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée. 165 00:08:32,719 --> 00:08:35,804 We're getting married this weekend! 166 00:08:35,805 --> 00:08:37,681 Hello, my darling love. 167 00:08:37,682 --> 00:08:38,766 This weekend? 168 00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:41,852 I know, he's a little old to have a shotgun wedding. 169 00:08:41,853 --> 00:08:44,941 Yeah. More like a musket wedding. 170 00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:48,694 Where did he go? 171 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:53,031 Hey, look, it's also a recorder. 172 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,786 ♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪ 173 00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:59,954 ♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪ 174 00:08:59,955 --> 00:09:02,831 It has auto-tune. You wanna try it? 175 00:09:02,832 --> 00:09:05,920 Uh, don't-- Definitely don't wanna touch that. 176 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:09,922 - Yeah. Okay. - Yeah. 177 00:09:09,923 --> 00:09:12,174 No, no, honey. I-I will-- I will handle it all. 178 00:09:12,175 --> 00:09:14,301 - I can't believe we're here. - I know. It's exciting. 179 00:09:14,302 --> 00:09:15,761 Uh, no, I'll, I'll make the arrangements. 180 00:09:15,762 --> 00:09:17,430 Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye. 181 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:20,935 Hey, that's my seat. 182 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,894 Oh! [laughs] Of course it is. 183 00:09:23,895 --> 00:09:25,815 I, uh, I keep forgetting. 184 00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:28,691 - Okay. - We getting married this weekend? 185 00:09:28,692 --> 00:09:29,984 I am. 186 00:09:29,985 --> 00:09:32,488 Please don't tell me you're gonna do it at a courthouse. 187 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,447 Weddings demand spectacle. 188 00:09:35,448 --> 00:09:38,284 Music, speeches, AK-47s shot right up in the air. 189 00:09:38,285 --> 00:09:40,413 Zach, I didn't realize you were a fellow romantic. 190 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:43,747 Weddings are the most important part of a marriage. 191 00:09:43,748 --> 00:09:45,332 My wife and I get married quarterly. 192 00:09:45,333 --> 00:09:48,127 The venue sets the tone for your life together. 193 00:09:48,128 --> 00:09:50,462 When we want playfulness, we get married at the beach. 194 00:09:50,463 --> 00:09:52,339 If we've been fighting, then... 195 00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:54,341 it's at the site of an important armistice. 196 00:09:54,342 --> 00:09:56,929 Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David. 197 00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,346 We needed a lot of those. 198 00:09:59,347 --> 00:10:02,933 - Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine. - Oh, she's right. It's perfect 199 00:10:02,934 --> 00:10:04,604 'cause you'll be right back there for the divorce. 200 00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:06,770 - Zach? - Yes. 201 00:10:06,771 --> 00:10:09,189 - We're rehearsing scene 13. - Which one is that one? 202 00:10:09,190 --> 00:10:11,984 The one where Oliver explains why his previous marriage failed. 203 00:10:11,985 --> 00:10:13,446 Oh. 204 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,450 Are you okay, Charles? 205 00:10:19,451 --> 00:10:22,911 I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry. 206 00:10:22,912 --> 00:10:26,500 And to be honest, it would layer my performance if I could, uh, 207 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,751 see what it looks like. 208 00:10:28,752 --> 00:10:31,003 Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no, 209 00:10:31,004 --> 00:10:33,005 uh, you'll not see what it looks like 210 00:10:33,006 --> 00:10:35,674 because it's not socially acceptable. 211 00:10:35,675 --> 00:10:37,301 Eugene, you wanna practice flipping omelets? 212 00:10:37,302 --> 00:10:39,803 Oh, the infamous omelet bit. Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks. 213 00:10:39,804 --> 00:10:41,180 I'll, uh, practice. Anyway, 214 00:10:41,181 --> 00:10:44,058 I'm curious. I mean, a-are-are you a yeller? 215 00:10:44,059 --> 00:10:46,560 - Do you get violent? - Oh, no. Worse. 216 00:10:46,561 --> 00:10:48,812 But it hasn't happened in decades because of my 217 00:10:48,813 --> 00:10:51,273 emotion suppression technique, 218 00:10:51,274 --> 00:10:55,069 which involves breathing and a lot of, 219 00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:57,156 uh, room straightening. 220 00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:11,420 There you go. 221 00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:15,132 This bother you? 222 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,636 - No. - This bother you? 223 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,596 - No. - Does this bother you? 224 00:11:22,597 --> 00:11:24,139 Why are you doing that? 225 00:11:24,140 --> 00:11:25,601 Does this... 226 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,904 Okay, they'll be here any minute. 227 00:11:38,905 --> 00:11:41,365 Now, I know we're all running hot. We have a podcast, 228 00:11:41,366 --> 00:11:43,951 two murders, a wedding, 229 00:11:43,952 --> 00:11:45,202 but we're gonna stay calm. 230 00:11:45,203 --> 00:11:47,413 Well, we can stay calm way more than you can stay calm. 231 00:11:47,414 --> 00:11:50,042 - It's not a competition. - It's now a competition. 232 00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,793 I've set my sphincter to clenching, 233 00:11:52,794 --> 00:11:55,295 unclenching, re-clenching. 234 00:11:55,296 --> 00:11:57,383 - It's them. It's them. - Okay. Okay. 235 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,677 Maybe I could throw together a wedding booze cruise. 236 00:12:01,678 --> 00:12:03,345 That's the blueprint you want for your marriage? 237 00:12:03,346 --> 00:12:05,180 You're freezing, you end up nowhere, 238 00:12:05,181 --> 00:12:06,599 and the maid of honor fucks the skipper? 239 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,771 - Come on, come on, come on. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 240 00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:19,028 Oh, hell-o! 241 00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,030 We brought snacks. 242 00:12:22,031 --> 00:12:24,450 Can't play cards without jamón! 243 00:12:24,451 --> 00:12:26,160 That's right, mami. 244 00:12:26,161 --> 00:12:27,703 Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming. 245 00:12:27,704 --> 00:12:29,538 We figured we'd host since it's a big group. 246 00:12:29,539 --> 00:12:32,374 Ah, please. Any friends of yours are friends of ours. 247 00:12:32,375 --> 00:12:34,710 Especially if they're Hollywood stars. 248 00:12:34,711 --> 00:12:37,463 You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch, 249 00:12:37,464 --> 00:12:39,507 but I'm winking playfully. 250 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,428 Let's go. 251 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,513 We know you know about the checks. 252 00:12:46,514 --> 00:12:48,600 Give us your phones now! 253 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,492 - So, what's your move now, Vince? - You're gonna sit there, 254 00:13:06,493 --> 00:13:08,535 you're gonna listen to our story. 255 00:13:08,536 --> 00:13:10,456 Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm. 256 00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,957 Although killers do always tell you their story before they kill you. 257 00:13:13,958 --> 00:13:18,462 They're gonna try to humanize themselves with long origin stories. 258 00:13:18,463 --> 00:13:20,839 Exactly. Like if we had gone through that, 259 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,800 we would've killed and eaten Dudenoff, too. 260 00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:25,262 - We didn't eat him. - Yeah, but you killed him, right? 261 00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,099 Okay. So, 262 00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,894 Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant. 263 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:35,395 Milton and his wife were regulars, until she passed. 264 00:13:35,396 --> 00:13:37,940 Then, he started ordering in. 265 00:13:37,941 --> 00:13:41,443 And when we were understaffed, we delivered to him on our way home. 266 00:13:41,444 --> 00:13:43,612 Oh, hell! 267 00:13:43,613 --> 00:13:45,906 He looked so alone in his little studio. 268 00:13:45,907 --> 00:13:49,451 He invited us in. We started playing cards. 269 00:13:49,452 --> 00:13:52,037 Oh Hell on Friday nights. 270 00:13:52,038 --> 00:13:53,872 It started to become a regular thing. 271 00:13:53,873 --> 00:13:56,083 - Please, please. - Okay. So, the, uh, 272 00:13:56,084 --> 00:14:00,128 the secret ingredient here is Jamón Ibérico. 273 00:14:00,129 --> 00:14:03,715 - Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do. - Oh, thank you. 274 00:14:03,716 --> 00:14:05,592 Our dream, actually, is to, uh, 275 00:14:05,593 --> 00:14:08,637 start our own line of sauces. And I-I know this sounds crazy, 276 00:14:08,638 --> 00:14:11,182 but Tony Danza would be an investor. 277 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:13,517 So, you killed him 278 00:14:13,518 --> 00:14:18,397 because he didn't deliver the last piece of the dream? 279 00:14:18,398 --> 00:14:20,315 Don't say Tony Danza. 280 00:14:20,316 --> 00:14:22,234 Sauce Dad said it first! 281 00:14:22,235 --> 00:14:23,902 - We didn't kill him! - Never. 282 00:14:23,903 --> 00:14:25,779 - Yeah. We definitely did not kill him. - We loved him. 283 00:14:25,780 --> 00:14:28,408 - Then, Crazy Rudy killed him. - Crazy? Me? 284 00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,874 I don't know why I keep replacing the battery. 285 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,376 Lovely. 286 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,586 I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago. 287 00:14:40,587 --> 00:14:42,212 I was trying to be an actor, 288 00:14:42,213 --> 00:14:45,007 I was holding down five jobs, and I signed up for his class. 289 00:14:45,008 --> 00:14:46,508 I remember my first acting class. 290 00:14:46,509 --> 00:14:47,926 It was a film class. 291 00:14:47,927 --> 00:14:51,013 It was in a closet of a basement of a subway stop. 292 00:14:51,014 --> 00:14:52,975 Most of my scene partners were sex workers. 293 00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,309 Okay. 294 00:14:55,310 --> 00:14:59,146 One day, we watched A Few Good Men in Professor Dudenoff's class. 295 00:14:59,147 --> 00:15:01,607 I ran up to him afterwards on the street, and I said, 296 00:15:01,608 --> 00:15:05,110 I'd studied a monologue from that film for my previous class. 297 00:15:05,111 --> 00:15:07,738 He asked me to do it, and I did. 298 00:15:07,739 --> 00:15:10,741 I did the whole thing, right there at the bus stop. 299 00:15:10,742 --> 00:15:13,035 - It went something like this. - Oh... 300 00:15:13,036 --> 00:15:14,786 "You want answers?" "I think I'm entitled." 301 00:15:14,787 --> 00:15:16,663 "You want answers?" "I want the truth!" 302 00:15:16,664 --> 00:15:18,832 "You can't handle the truth! 303 00:15:18,833 --> 00:15:20,334 "Son, we live in a world that has walls, 304 00:15:20,335 --> 00:15:22,377 "and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. 305 00:15:22,378 --> 00:15:23,462 "Who's gonna do it? You? 306 00:15:23,463 --> 00:15:25,130 "You, Lieutenant Weinberg? 307 00:15:25,131 --> 00:15:26,256 I have a greater respons--" 308 00:15:26,257 --> 00:15:28,216 I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do the whole monologue? 309 00:15:28,217 --> 00:15:31,221 Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing. I think it's worth it. 310 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:35,599 "I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! 311 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,225 "You weep for Santiago... Saves lives... 312 00:15:37,226 --> 00:15:41,104 "My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. 313 00:15:41,105 --> 00:15:42,773 "You don't want the truth because, deep down, 314 00:15:42,774 --> 00:15:44,816 "in places you don't talk about at parties, 315 00:15:44,817 --> 00:15:46,652 "you want me on that wall! 316 00:15:46,653 --> 00:15:48,320 "You need me on that wall... 317 00:15:48,321 --> 00:15:50,447 "Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. 318 00:15:50,448 --> 00:15:54,201 Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!" 319 00:15:54,202 --> 00:15:56,578 "Did you order the code red?" "I did the job." 320 00:15:56,579 --> 00:15:59,331 "Did you order the code red?" "You're goddamn right I did!" 321 00:15:59,332 --> 00:16:02,627 Oh... Oh, that was wonderful. 322 00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:04,920 I blew his socks off. 323 00:16:04,921 --> 00:16:08,423 And he invited me back to his place at the Arconia. 324 00:16:08,424 --> 00:16:10,509 - That's my jam. - And this? What's this? 325 00:16:10,510 --> 00:16:12,594 Uh, that is a ham radio. 326 00:16:12,595 --> 00:16:14,137 What do you do with a ham radio? 327 00:16:14,138 --> 00:16:17,099 No, it's just-- it's just a hobby, you know? A-And a very... 328 00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:19,601 Of course, I got my own ham radio. 329 00:16:19,602 --> 00:16:21,269 And ultimately, we all did. 330 00:16:21,270 --> 00:16:23,438 And Professor Dudenoff looked at me. 331 00:16:23,439 --> 00:16:24,815 He said... 332 00:16:24,816 --> 00:16:26,942 You know, you're really very good, Rudy. 333 00:16:26,943 --> 00:16:28,902 Thank you. That... 334 00:16:28,903 --> 00:16:29,989 That means a lot to me. 335 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,660 Let me ask you somethin'. 336 00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:38,330 If your life were a movie, 337 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,915 what would be your happy ending? 338 00:16:41,916 --> 00:16:44,459 And that's when he touched your Santa sack, 339 00:16:44,460 --> 00:16:45,627 and you had your "happy ending." 340 00:16:45,628 --> 00:16:47,421 - Eva! - What? 341 00:16:47,422 --> 00:16:49,548 No! I said I wanted to stay in the city, 342 00:16:49,549 --> 00:16:51,883 keep performing, keep trying, 343 00:16:51,884 --> 00:16:55,429 and live with fewer roommates who use towels as toilet paper. 344 00:16:55,430 --> 00:16:57,931 That was my dream. 345 00:16:57,932 --> 00:17:01,018 So, Charles, that leaves 346 00:17:01,019 --> 00:17:02,769 your "friend" Vince. 347 00:17:02,770 --> 00:17:05,939 He exposed you to pink eye, and what did you get? 348 00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:07,441 Lies! 349 00:17:07,442 --> 00:17:08,900 And, likely, pink eye. 350 00:17:08,901 --> 00:17:12,031 Come on, doesn't that make you... angry? 351 00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:16,241 Oh, I'm fine. 352 00:17:16,242 --> 00:17:17,409 I'm suppressing, 353 00:17:17,410 --> 00:17:19,578 and I'm suppressing, and suppressing, 354 00:17:19,579 --> 00:17:21,665 and I'm... good. 355 00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:25,500 Alright. Since none of you seem 356 00:17:25,501 --> 00:17:27,963 to be on the verge of a psychotic break. 357 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,839 Before my wife died, she made me promise 358 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,717 that I wouldn't turn into one of those weird lonely old men. 359 00:17:33,718 --> 00:17:35,594 Now, we both loved movies, 360 00:17:35,595 --> 00:17:38,847 so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer for his film class, 361 00:17:38,848 --> 00:17:42,976 I thought that this way was her way of telling me to go out and make friends. 362 00:17:42,977 --> 00:17:45,563 But, oh, those kids... 363 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:53,405 ♪ Lang... Syne! ♪ 364 00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:56,615 You know, the reason 365 00:17:56,616 --> 00:18:02,623 It's A Wonderful Life is timeless comes down to one thing. 366 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,500 Casting. You know, 367 00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:09,588 if you can populate your story 368 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:11,799 with the right people, 369 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,716 your work will live forever. 370 00:18:14,717 --> 00:18:17,427 Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless. 371 00:18:17,428 --> 00:18:19,221 It's pro-capitalist gaslighting! 372 00:18:19,222 --> 00:18:20,889 George Bailey's life still sucks, 373 00:18:20,890 --> 00:18:23,477 - and Potter just gets away with it. - [emotional] No! 374 00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,019 No, you missed the point! 375 00:18:26,020 --> 00:18:28,605 George ends up with his family. Potter's all alone. 376 00:18:28,606 --> 00:18:30,774 I like being alone. 377 00:18:30,775 --> 00:18:33,860 Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience. 378 00:18:33,861 --> 00:18:35,823 But being really alone? 379 00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:39,950 There's nothing worse. You don't smile, you don't laugh, 380 00:18:39,951 --> 00:18:42,995 you stop caring about what food tastes like 'cause... 381 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,707 you still wake up alone again without her. 382 00:18:47,708 --> 00:18:48,792 Every class... 383 00:18:48,793 --> 00:18:51,086 But Dudenoff, him I liked. 384 00:18:51,087 --> 00:18:53,588 "...hates poor people. This movie hates trees." 385 00:18:53,589 --> 00:18:55,257 Why do they have to be so mad all the time? 386 00:18:55,258 --> 00:18:57,926 - This world's a dumpster fire. - It sure is. 387 00:18:57,927 --> 00:19:00,470 In this city, you know, kid, 388 00:19:00,471 --> 00:19:04,683 you can't even afford an apartment unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it. 389 00:19:04,684 --> 00:19:08,104 And why can't a movie just be a movie? 390 00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:12,232 Jack Lemmon in The Apartment. I-I-I didn't know that... 391 00:19:12,233 --> 00:19:14,734 And he invited me to join his weekly card game. 392 00:19:14,735 --> 00:19:16,194 I-I feel empathetic. 393 00:19:16,195 --> 00:19:18,781 I had no idea why he knew we'd click... 394 00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:22,576 ...but we did. 395 00:19:22,577 --> 00:19:25,745 His wife had been a music teacher. Back when the city was cheap, 396 00:19:25,746 --> 00:19:28,206 whenever a unit would open up on their floor, 397 00:19:28,207 --> 00:19:31,459 they would grab it. You know, she'd use it for music classes or, 398 00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:35,007 you know, uh, let a kid stay there if he was going through tough times. 399 00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:36,756 But with her gone, 400 00:19:36,757 --> 00:19:41,013 Professor Dudenoff was living amid, um, an empty hallway. 401 00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:44,057 He just couldn't bear to give up those apartments. 402 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:48,353 And one night, after many hours of Oh Hell, 403 00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:54,232 he decided that he wasn't going to turn into 404 00:19:54,233 --> 00:19:57,321 one of those weird lonely old men. 405 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,866 He broke the law for us, 406 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,367 so that we could have a chance at our dreams. 407 00:20:04,368 --> 00:20:06,161 But he had a dream, too. 408 00:20:06,162 --> 00:20:07,623 To live in Portugal. 409 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,167 And he left. And, no, 410 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:14,211 - we haven't heard from him since. - And, yes, 411 00:20:14,212 --> 00:20:16,671 we've been keeping up the ruse and... 412 00:20:16,672 --> 00:20:19,218 cashing his checks. 413 00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:21,885 So that's the whole thing? 414 00:20:21,886 --> 00:20:25,014 Yeah, we could do it again if you like. I could do a comedy version if you want-- 415 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,183 - Thank you. - Oh God, no. 416 00:20:28,184 --> 00:20:30,479 Okay, I think we're done here. 417 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,481 Not yet. 418 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,690 It's ding-dong time. 419 00:20:35,691 --> 00:20:38,109 You pulled a ding-dong? 420 00:20:38,110 --> 00:20:39,445 It was a good idea. 421 00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,120 Helga?! 422 00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:49,704 What are you doing here? 423 00:20:49,705 --> 00:20:52,707 Mabel reached out on the ham radio. 424 00:20:52,708 --> 00:20:54,920 I'm here to tell the truth. 425 00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:58,173 We can't handle the truth. 426 00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,845 You're Helga? 427 00:21:05,846 --> 00:21:07,889 I imagined you toothless with a club. 428 00:21:07,890 --> 00:21:10,225 Disregard him, Helga. 429 00:21:10,226 --> 00:21:13,230 His brain is covered with plaque. Please go on. 430 00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:17,857 I-I first met Dudenoff when I'd just become a locksmith, 431 00:21:17,858 --> 00:21:19,651 which was my childhood dream. 432 00:21:19,652 --> 00:21:20,735 Wait? Really? 433 00:21:20,736 --> 00:21:24,114 No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot. 434 00:21:24,115 --> 00:21:27,995 So, my father died and left me the business. 435 00:21:28,745 --> 00:21:32,248 He was all I had until I met Dudenoff. 436 00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:41,131 ♪ Standing tall ♪ 437 00:21:41,132 --> 00:21:43,049 You know, it's before your time, 438 00:21:43,050 --> 00:21:44,634 but that's the theme song to-- 439 00:21:44,635 --> 00:21:47,178 It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know. 440 00:21:47,179 --> 00:21:48,640 Yes. 441 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,266 - Yeah. - You know, I've never met anyone 442 00:21:51,267 --> 00:21:52,978 who loses their keys this often. 443 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,480 Some people your age put it on a retractable belt... 444 00:21:57,481 --> 00:22:00,527 It's not dementia. I always lose my keys. I-- 445 00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:04,613 My wife used to let me in, but... 446 00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:11,536 Okay! 447 00:22:11,537 --> 00:22:13,288 - Ah, look at that. - So, uh, 448 00:22:13,289 --> 00:22:16,001 what is a code that someone your age can remember? 449 00:22:17,919 --> 00:22:20,628 How about, um, 450 00:22:20,629 --> 00:22:21,798 "Oh Hell"? 451 00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:24,049 Wait, like the card game? 452 00:22:24,050 --> 00:22:25,800 - You know it? - My father and I 453 00:22:25,801 --> 00:22:27,552 used to play all the time. 454 00:22:27,553 --> 00:22:29,556 I haven't since he died. 455 00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:31,848 I'm sorry, 456 00:22:31,849 --> 00:22:34,184 you just look so much like him. 457 00:22:34,185 --> 00:22:35,894 Except, uh, he was tall. 458 00:22:35,895 --> 00:22:38,022 And blonde. And hot. 459 00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:43,278 Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers. 460 00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:45,572 Huh... 461 00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,366 You know, uh, 462 00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:51,659 we have this little card game Friday nights. 463 00:22:51,660 --> 00:22:53,661 And that is how I met the gang. 464 00:22:53,662 --> 00:22:56,206 - Why not? - Mm! Mm! 465 00:22:56,207 --> 00:22:58,833 Yeah, I was there, too. 466 00:22:58,834 --> 00:23:01,127 I'm sure they didn't mention that. 467 00:23:01,128 --> 00:23:03,296 - Wow. - Yeah! 468 00:23:03,297 --> 00:23:05,632 At first, they were the nicest group of people 469 00:23:05,633 --> 00:23:07,759 I had met in New York City, 470 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,762 a place I'd always wanted to call home. 471 00:23:10,763 --> 00:23:13,348 Helga, so where do you live, honey? 472 00:23:13,349 --> 00:23:15,058 Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel. 473 00:23:15,059 --> 00:23:17,268 It's only 85 train stops away. 474 00:23:17,269 --> 00:23:18,812 You'd love it. 475 00:23:18,813 --> 00:23:21,731 Then, he gave us these nice cheap apartments, 476 00:23:21,732 --> 00:23:24,150 and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers 477 00:23:24,151 --> 00:23:26,653 into a family. 478 00:23:26,654 --> 00:23:28,739 But a few years later... 479 00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,244 ...he was gone. 480 00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:38,206 Said he felt bad doing it in a note, 481 00:23:38,207 --> 00:23:40,834 but he'd had enough of goodbyes. 482 00:23:40,835 --> 00:23:42,129 He was off to Portugal. 483 00:23:42,879 --> 00:23:46,925 After helping us with our dreams, he wanted to live his. 484 00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:55,640 I knew the power only surged when the old incinerator was used, 485 00:23:55,641 --> 00:23:58,644 but I didn't suspect anything. Yet... 486 00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:03,481 Suddenly, we all went from talking every day to nothing. 487 00:24:03,482 --> 00:24:05,233 Total silence. 488 00:24:05,234 --> 00:24:07,652 And then, your podcast started. 489 00:24:07,653 --> 00:24:09,404 One thing was for sure. 490 00:24:09,405 --> 00:24:12,073 Someone in the Arconia was hiding something. 491 00:24:12,074 --> 00:24:14,826 [on podcast] A homicidal freak who poisoned a perfect, 492 00:24:14,827 --> 00:24:16,329 if gassy, dog. 493 00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:20,165 Everyone was acting so secretive. 494 00:24:20,166 --> 00:24:21,249 Helga! 495 00:24:21,250 --> 00:24:23,001 I listened to the podcast. 496 00:24:23,002 --> 00:24:24,878 All those unexplained things 497 00:24:24,879 --> 00:24:27,255 someone in the building was doing to scare you. 498 00:24:27,256 --> 00:24:31,593 What if it was them trying to cover up what they had done? 499 00:24:31,594 --> 00:24:33,261 Let's play cards. 500 00:24:33,262 --> 00:24:35,681 And I started to wonder. 501 00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:38,933 Please. 502 00:24:38,934 --> 00:24:41,728 Why did the power surge that night? 503 00:24:41,729 --> 00:24:45,775 I couldn't prove they had anything to do with Dudenoff's disappearance, 504 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,152 but I knew in my bones 505 00:24:49,153 --> 00:24:50,820 I had to move out. 506 00:24:50,821 --> 00:24:52,030 They killed him! 507 00:24:52,031 --> 00:24:53,490 We didn't! 508 00:24:53,491 --> 00:24:56,409 - No, no! He went to Portugal. - Dead men don't send ham! 509 00:24:56,410 --> 00:24:58,411 Then, what's this? 510 00:24:58,412 --> 00:24:59,954 I can't see. 511 00:24:59,955 --> 00:25:01,956 I actually don't know. What is that? 512 00:25:01,957 --> 00:25:04,292 Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder. 513 00:25:04,293 --> 00:25:07,504 It was in the incinerator. You killed and burned him that night. 514 00:25:07,505 --> 00:25:09,964 And when Sazz figured it out, you killed and burned her, too. 515 00:25:09,965 --> 00:25:12,800 And when we tried to look into that, you tried to kill me! 516 00:25:12,801 --> 00:25:15,720 Yeah, another way to put that is you actually shot me. 517 00:25:15,721 --> 00:25:18,306 What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? 518 00:25:18,307 --> 00:25:19,851 These people are murderers! 519 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:24,312 I'm tired of being the nice guy here with no temper! 520 00:25:24,313 --> 00:25:26,814 I'm a Canadian man connected 521 00:25:26,815 --> 00:25:29,192 to his rage right now! 522 00:25:29,193 --> 00:25:32,447 And [laughs] God, it feels so good! 523 00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:35,949 Charles, tantrum with me. 524 00:25:35,950 --> 00:25:37,659 No, no, no. 525 00:25:37,660 --> 00:25:40,662 They incinerated your friend, Charles. 526 00:25:40,663 --> 00:25:43,998 - And then plied you with word games... - No. [laughs] No. No. 527 00:25:43,999 --> 00:25:46,545 ...from the New York Times! 528 00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:55,845 So far, I'm underwhelmed. 529 00:25:58,473 --> 00:25:59,931 Uh-huh... 530 00:25:59,932 --> 00:26:02,308 Yes. Interesting. 531 00:26:02,309 --> 00:26:04,310 Is this how I find out he's a mime? 532 00:26:04,311 --> 00:26:06,813 No, no, no. We can't hear him, but I'm so tuned into his character, 533 00:26:06,814 --> 00:26:09,692 I can feel his words. He's saying... 534 00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:13,863 ..."These people killed Sazz! 535 00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:17,576 "I am steamed... and put out! 536 00:26:18,118 --> 00:26:20,451 - To some degree." - Oh, the hell with this! 537 00:26:20,452 --> 00:26:22,330 Gimme that! Helga! 538 00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:26,624 You're not the only one who got a note the night that Dudenoff died. 539 00:26:26,625 --> 00:26:27,711 Now, everybody, 540 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,714 come with me! 541 00:26:41,516 --> 00:26:43,518 We all got notes that night. 542 00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:46,479 Only ours were different. 543 00:26:49,065 --> 00:26:51,941 "You are cordially invited to my funeral. 544 00:26:51,942 --> 00:26:54,237 Midnight, in the basement. Don't tell Helga." 545 00:26:55,530 --> 00:26:57,739 - What the fuck? - Funeral? 546 00:26:57,740 --> 00:26:59,490 I don't like it. 547 00:26:59,491 --> 00:27:01,659 Come on. Let's go. 548 00:27:01,660 --> 00:27:04,538 Come on, come on. 549 00:27:16,217 --> 00:27:18,676 Hey! Milton, what's going on? 550 00:27:18,677 --> 00:27:21,929 Hey-- Okay-- 551 00:27:21,930 --> 00:27:24,390 Hey, can I just talk?! Can I? 552 00:27:24,391 --> 00:27:25,642 - Yeah. - Of course. 553 00:27:25,643 --> 00:27:27,101 Uh, so, 554 00:27:27,102 --> 00:27:30,565 you know I'm always saying a movie is only as good as its cast? 555 00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:34,736 Now, I'm just a teacher. I never got to make... 556 00:27:35,362 --> 00:27:36,613 my own movie. 557 00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:38,738 But I'll tell you this. 558 00:27:38,739 --> 00:27:41,659 If our lives were a movie... 559 00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:45,579 I cast the shit outta this one. 560 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,628 Professor, what exactly are we doing here? 561 00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:54,297 Well, uh... 562 00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:57,465 I-I have some medical news. 563 00:27:57,466 --> 00:27:59,552 Um... 564 00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:02,261 I'm an old guy, so, you know, 565 00:28:02,262 --> 00:28:05,348 it's not like Terms of Endearment sad or anything, 566 00:28:05,349 --> 00:28:08,142 but, you know, I-- Uh... 567 00:28:08,143 --> 00:28:10,019 they tell me I've, uh, only got a few months. 568 00:28:10,020 --> 00:28:11,646 And so-- 569 00:28:11,647 --> 00:28:15,401 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, you know, when I'm gone... 570 00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:20,655 ...uh, this building, they're gonna swoop in and, 571 00:28:20,656 --> 00:28:24,367 you know, tear our cast apart. But, 572 00:28:24,368 --> 00:28:26,661 I have a workaround. 573 00:28:26,662 --> 00:28:28,248 And, uh... 574 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:34,504 and it's that you will all keep me alive. 575 00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:37,839 W-Well, I mean, actually no 576 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:41,427 'cause I've just taken a hell of a lot of pills. 577 00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:45,012 I want you, tonight, 578 00:28:45,013 --> 00:28:47,515 to put my body in the incinerator! 579 00:28:47,516 --> 00:28:49,475 Yes! Yes! 580 00:28:49,476 --> 00:28:53,187 And then, I want you to cash my social security checks, 581 00:28:53,188 --> 00:28:56,276 and I want you to tell everybody I just moved to Portugal. 582 00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,154 And you... 583 00:29:01,155 --> 00:29:03,158 you can't tell Helga. 584 00:29:03,992 --> 00:29:07,120 I'm just gonna record a message, you know, in case, uh, 585 00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:11,038 you know, she finds out, and then, she won't blame you. 586 00:29:11,039 --> 00:29:12,373 - We can call an ambulance. - Yeah-- 587 00:29:12,374 --> 00:29:14,961 No, come on, let me do this. Just let-- Just let me do this. 588 00:29:16,713 --> 00:29:19,130 Please. And then, you know, afterwards, 589 00:29:19,131 --> 00:29:21,092 then let's just all hug and shit, okay? 590 00:29:21,676 --> 00:29:23,302 Hey, so, Vince, come on. 591 00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:27,182 Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing. 592 00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:30,058 Come on. One take. 593 00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:36,982 It's okay. It's okay. 594 00:29:50,747 --> 00:29:53,541 Hey, Helga. I know you're angry. 595 00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:57,043 But, you know, you had such a, uh, 596 00:29:57,044 --> 00:30:00,423 hard time bouncing back after your dad that I-I had this... 597 00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:04,258 stupid thought that maybe I could... 598 00:30:04,259 --> 00:30:06,846 shield you from another death. 599 00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:08,679 But, if you're watching this, 600 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:11,267 then, you know, my master plan has gone to hell. 601 00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:14,020 And, hopefully, I haven't. 602 00:30:14,687 --> 00:30:17,104 What can a guy do but try, right? 603 00:30:17,105 --> 00:30:19,192 Here's looking at you, kid. 604 00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:28,282 We're so sorry, baby. 605 00:30:28,283 --> 00:30:31,661 Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted, 606 00:30:31,662 --> 00:30:32,872 to keep us all together. 607 00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:35,122 Move on back in with us. 608 00:30:35,123 --> 00:30:37,001 - Please. - Please. 609 00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:40,461 It is the only place in New York where I can have a pig. 610 00:30:40,462 --> 00:30:42,463 Wait. 611 00:30:42,464 --> 00:30:45,716 Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend? 612 00:30:45,717 --> 00:30:47,009 That was another lie? 613 00:30:47,010 --> 00:30:49,470 Yeah, in addition to setting a human on fire, 614 00:30:49,471 --> 00:30:51,556 we also lied about me having a girlfriend. 615 00:30:51,557 --> 00:30:53,141 May God have mercy. 616 00:31:00,608 --> 00:31:01,609 Hmm. 617 00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:06,322 So, these are not murderers. 618 00:31:06,948 --> 00:31:08,157 No, but... 619 00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:10,199 we've got one hell of a podcast. 620 00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,827 [auto-tuned] And, yes, 621 00:31:12,828 --> 00:31:15,997 we've been keeping up the ruse and cashing his checks. 622 00:31:15,998 --> 00:31:17,208 Oh God. We're going to jail. 623 00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:19,792 Well... 624 00:31:19,793 --> 00:31:21,836 No, you're not. 625 00:31:21,837 --> 00:31:26,175 Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos living in the Arconia. 626 00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:30,805 The podcast brought us together. I don't wanna use it to tear them apart. 627 00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:34,142 Bless you. 628 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,770 So, humanity's more important to you than the podcast? 629 00:31:39,771 --> 00:31:41,149 - What a revelation. - Hmm. 630 00:31:43,401 --> 00:31:47,153 Okay, what if it's not three losers, but, like, a family of losers 631 00:31:47,154 --> 00:31:50,617 who wants to make the world a better place before two of them die? 632 00:31:51,117 --> 00:31:52,575 That's one way to look at it. 633 00:31:52,576 --> 00:31:53,659 Yeah. Well, I have more. 634 00:31:53,660 --> 00:31:55,077 - You wanna hear more? - No thanks. 635 00:31:55,078 --> 00:31:57,332 Speaking of family, I should tell you 636 00:31:58,249 --> 00:32:00,291 that I had my assistant's assistant 637 00:32:00,292 --> 00:32:02,877 book you a wedding atop... 638 00:32:02,878 --> 00:32:05,880 the Empire State Building, encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons. 639 00:32:05,881 --> 00:32:07,840 - No, no. I-- - Don't worry. I-'m gonna... 640 00:32:07,841 --> 00:32:09,383 I'll pay for it. 641 00:32:09,384 --> 00:32:12,680 I wish I could tell you this gives me joy, but it doesn't. 642 00:32:13,681 --> 00:32:15,681 You are not the romantic I thought you were, 643 00:32:15,682 --> 00:32:18,267 and I don't know how I'm gonna play you 644 00:32:18,268 --> 00:32:20,353 or respect you. 645 00:32:20,354 --> 00:32:23,064 So, [sighs] here we are. 646 00:32:23,065 --> 00:32:25,650 Well, thank you, Zachary, for those... 647 00:32:25,651 --> 00:32:27,777 lovely words. But, 648 00:32:27,778 --> 00:32:31,491 Loretta and I shall marry here, in the Arconia. 649 00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:33,785 This is where we fell in love, 650 00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:36,702 and I want a marriage 651 00:32:36,703 --> 00:32:39,330 where we fall in love every day 652 00:32:39,331 --> 00:32:42,126 for the rest of our very long lives. 653 00:32:43,461 --> 00:32:44,919 You... 654 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:47,046 adorable baloney loaf. 655 00:32:47,047 --> 00:32:48,800 You... 656 00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:51,384 beautiful bitchy... 657 00:32:51,385 --> 00:32:54,011 baloney loaf. 658 00:32:54,012 --> 00:32:55,721 Do you know what a baloney loaf is? 659 00:32:55,722 --> 00:32:56,808 Uh-- 660 00:33:00,603 --> 00:33:02,522 You are a romantic. 661 00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:07,610 You got me in touch with my emotions. Thank you. 662 00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:10,778 Well, it was an honor playing a small part 663 00:33:10,779 --> 00:33:13,239 in bringing out your true self. 664 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,866 And Charles, I won't alienate your audience 665 00:33:15,867 --> 00:33:18,746 by putting any of it on film. 666 00:33:23,042 --> 00:33:24,544 - Bye. - Bye. 667 00:33:25,211 --> 00:33:26,212 Bye. 668 00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:29,839 You good? 669 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:31,634 Yeah, I'm good. 670 00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:38,932 Whether or not everyone makes it back to shore in the movie Lifeboat... 671 00:33:45,106 --> 00:33:47,108 ...I'll leave for you to discover. 672 00:33:48,609 --> 00:33:52,695 But what the film is really about is found families, 673 00:33:52,696 --> 00:33:55,281 fighting together for their survival 674 00:33:55,282 --> 00:33:58,701 in waters that can be really tough to get through 675 00:33:58,702 --> 00:34:00,203 if you're all alone. 676 00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,550 In the end, there was no murder in the West Tower. 677 00:34:14,551 --> 00:34:16,719 Just a guy who moved to Portugal 678 00:34:16,720 --> 00:34:19,388 and made a family out of strangers. 679 00:34:19,389 --> 00:34:21,057 Well, found family, 680 00:34:21,058 --> 00:34:25,521 we buried a great podcast story and are back to square one. 681 00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:31,902 Why can't we ever get a ding-dong when we run out of leads? 682 00:34:33,362 --> 00:34:35,448 Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong! 683 00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,202 Think he's got any Gut Milk in there? 684 00:34:41,203 --> 00:34:43,788 I already checked the fridge. He just has beer. 685 00:34:43,789 --> 00:34:45,917 Look who's here. 686 00:34:46,584 --> 00:34:49,001 Oh, hey, Helga. I see you got your pig back. 687 00:34:49,002 --> 00:34:52,880 Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man who reluctantly returned her to me. 688 00:34:52,881 --> 00:34:54,132 I think his name is Howard? 689 00:34:55,676 --> 00:34:57,676 I didn't want to bring it up among the reunions, 690 00:34:57,677 --> 00:35:01,307 but I wanted to tell you something about your friend, Sazz. 691 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,225 Wait. You actually knew her? 692 00:35:04,226 --> 00:35:06,393 Yes. She was on the ham radio, 693 00:35:06,394 --> 00:35:09,355 asking about all these huge plot holes you had in your podcast. 694 00:35:09,356 --> 00:35:11,315 - Not holes. - Oh! 695 00:35:11,316 --> 00:35:14,819 You're how Sazz knew about all the West Tower stuff in her notes. 696 00:35:14,820 --> 00:35:16,570 There was another thing though. 697 00:35:16,571 --> 00:35:20,866 She talked about a stuntman on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma. 698 00:35:20,867 --> 00:35:23,285 She said he was her protégé, 699 00:35:23,286 --> 00:35:26,455 but that he had messed up pretty badly and he was harassing her. 700 00:35:26,456 --> 00:35:30,545 She said, "He's dangerous, and he's gonna be the death of me." 701 00:35:31,712 --> 00:35:34,421 - What's Project Ronkonkoma? - Check IMDb. 702 00:35:34,422 --> 00:35:36,507 - That's a website. - I know what IMDb is. 703 00:35:36,508 --> 00:35:38,342 My agent says he's gonna get me on it. 704 00:35:38,343 --> 00:35:40,928 Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma. 705 00:35:40,929 --> 00:35:42,429 Who's the stuntperson? 706 00:35:42,430 --> 00:35:44,640 Is it someone we can talk to? 707 00:35:44,641 --> 00:35:47,436 Not exactly.