1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:02,794
[Mabel Mora]
Who is Dudenoff?
2
00:00:02,794 --> 00:00:04,212
Do you know who's out to get me?
3
00:00:04,212 --> 00:00:05,672
[Helga] [on radio]
The last person who came around
4
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,257
asking these questions got killed.
5
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:10,010
We're illegally subletting
rent-controlled apartments.
6
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,221
Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal.
We send him rent.
7
00:00:13,221 --> 00:00:14,723
The voice on the ham radio said--
8
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:17,225
- That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend,
- Your crazy ex-girlfriend.
9
00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:20,645
You may have heard about our little
"firearms moment" at the photo shoot.
10
00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:21,813
- [gunshot]
- [people screaming]
11
00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,023
It's Glen! He's still alive!
12
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,483
[Zach Galifianakis]
They got me in my fat!
13
00:00:25,483 --> 00:00:27,402
{\an8}Dudenoff? He's been cashing
social security checks
14
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,112
{\an8}at a bodega on 125th Street.
15
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,905
{\an8}[Mabel]
There's two left shoulders?
16
00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:34,075
Sazz's body wasn't the only one
in the incinerator.
17
00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:36,786
It belongs... to Dudenoff.
18
00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:38,788
Oliver, I wanna marry you.
19
00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:40,999
Whosever cashing
Dudenoff's checks is after you.
20
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:44,085
Your friend Howard says
he knows who killed Dudenoff.
21
00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,671
Wasn't just one person cashing his checks.
22
00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:49,007
He found five different signatures
23
00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:51,051
- with one phone number.
- Hello?
24
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,218
[Howard gasps]
25
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,346
They know.
26
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,144
[artillery exploding]
27
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:05,148
[Milton Dudenoff]
Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film
28
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:10,111
set entirely in a small boat
filled with disparate characters
29
00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:13,865
who learn how far they'd go
to survive the rough waters
30
00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:15,658
of their perilous circumstances.
31
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,243
[♪ jaunty music playing]
32
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,828
In New York City,
33
00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:23,625
a lifeboat can look a lot like
an affordable apartment in a nice building
34
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,752
on the Upper West Side.
35
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,212
[Vince Fish]
Can I go in this way?
36
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:28,296
[pedestrian]
Hey, taxi!
37
00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:29,380
[elevator doors shut]
38
00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:32,342
[♪ jaunty music continues]
39
00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:38,515
- [elevator dings]
- Well, I can make another tape. I c--
40
00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:42,811
- Hey!
- Hey. Call-- call me back.
41
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,271
You got one of those fancy invites
from Dudenoff, too, huh?
42
00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:48,024
Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery."
43
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:50,151
I think it was delivered by a raven.
44
00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:53,238
- Is your eye okay?
- Yeah, it's probably just allergies.
45
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,990
Hey! You guys got an invite, too?
46
00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,867
[laughs] Yeah. Check out this cardstock.
47
00:01:57,867 --> 00:02:00,954
He knows we can, like, text, right?
48
00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:03,623
Is someone gonna knock already?
49
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:06,334
[in European accent]
Wait for me! Wait for me!
50
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:08,419
- Helga!
- I brought my new girlfriend.
51
00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:10,088
I hope that is okay.
52
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,632
Of course.
Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker?
53
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,467
[Inez]
Piggy in a blanket!
54
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,844
[Hammy squeals]
55
00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,597
Oh, hell!
56
00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:21,391
Look who it is.
57
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,977
Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.
58
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,980
I'm about to change your lives.
59
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,066
[♪ lively theme song playing]
60
00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:33,153
[♪ vocalizing]
61
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,318
[♪ theme song fades out]
62
00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:18,198
- [♪ curious music playing]
- [car engine starting]
63
00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:21,242
{\an8}[Charles-Haden Savage]
One thing about choosing a safe house
64
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,410
{\an8}filled with your family.
65
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,370
{\an8}[Oliver Putnam]
What's that, Charles?
66
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:28,541
{\an8}[Charles] It makes going home to a
building full of murderers more appealing.
67
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,210
{\an8}- [car sputtering]
- [Oliver grunts]
68
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:36,132
{\an8}- [car hissing, rattling]
- [Mabel] Seriously?
69
00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,885
{\an8}[Oliver] [coughing gags]
Okay, just put-- [sighs]
70
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:43,056
{\an8}[sighs] No, no, no.
Charles, use your hips.
71
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,391
{\an8}Up and around like a hula hoop.
Do this thing.
72
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:47,352
{\an8}- [Charles] It's not helping.
- Would you just let me?
73
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,438
{\an8}No, I can do it. It's just a problem
with the, uh, th-the fuselage.
74
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,815
{\an8}How do neither of you know how
to pop the hood of a car?
75
00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:56,569
- Because real men hire other men, Mabel.
- Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away,
76
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:59,447
{\an8}and it's good to leave them something
to do 'cause it makes 'em happy.
77
00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:02,533
{\an8}- You're a real philanthropist. Hang on.
- [musical ring tone]
78
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,870
{\an8}[groans] They're calling again! Ignore!
79
00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:08,831
{\an8}- [Oliver mutters, sniffs]
- Well, while we're waiting,
80
00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:10,833
{\an8}we should probably do a recap.
81
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,460
{\an8}Here's what we know so far.
82
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:15,255
{\an8}This Dudenoff guy has a bunch
of rent-controlled units,
83
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,173
and he moved the Westies in.
84
00:04:17,173 --> 00:04:21,010
Then, even though they need him alive
to keep their homes,
85
00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:23,012
they kill and burn him.
86
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,014
And then, they cash
his checks to cover it up.
87
00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:29,060
And when poor Sazz caught onto them,
they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment.
88
00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:30,853
And then, they shot at me, barely missing
89
00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:33,147
the most essential person
to our investigative work.
90
00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:35,191
I can't believe Vince Fish would do this!
91
00:04:35,191 --> 00:04:36,859
He was my Wordle buddy!
92
00:04:36,859 --> 00:04:39,779
- [ringtone plays]
- Oh! [growls] Hold on.
93
00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,407
Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now.
94
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:43,825
- [FaceTime answers]
- Hello?
95
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:47,829
Hey, guys! So the sexy half
of this crime-solving sextet
96
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,330
has some thoughts.
97
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,332
Don't you have to go to rehearsal?
98
00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:53,876
Now that we know that we're indispensable,
we cannot leave you alone.
99
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:55,962
We are professional investigators,
100
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,172
and you are playing us
in a movie because of it!
101
00:04:58,172 --> 00:04:59,632
We are fine on our own!
102
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,884
Hey, can we just, uh,
mute you for a second?
103
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:03,803
If you're muting us, we're muting you!
104
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:05,555
[Zach] [on phone]
Okay, good. Muting each other.
105
00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:07,223
[Zach sighs]
106
00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:08,933
Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this?
107
00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:11,102
Uh, y-you didn't mute us.
108
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,938
Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now.
109
00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,733
- What happened? I'm muted. [snorts]
- [Eva Longoria] No, we can still hear you.
110
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,068
Tell you what? Let's just not mute!
111
00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:21,112
[over phone]
We need to find someplace safe to plan.
112
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,156
Anywhere but the Arconia.
113
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,741
[♪ curious music playing]
114
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,368
Okay. I know just the place.
115
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,911
[car hissing]
116
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,371
♪
117
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,751
Okay, but how do we get a confession?
118
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:38,087
Well, I have an idea,
but it involves someone.
119
00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:40,715
- Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza--
- It's Tony Danza.
120
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:43,760
Eugene, can we go one day
without you mentioning Tony Danza?
121
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,886
[production set chatter]
122
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:45,970
[Mabel]
Hey, look.
123
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:50,391
[Oliver gasps, laughs weakly]
124
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,185
[Charles]
How could my character live here?
125
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,771
The albums, not alphabetized.
126
00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,106
Oh! Nice.
127
00:05:57,106 --> 00:06:00,985
Nice.
A first edition touching a second edition!
128
00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:03,321
Yeah, brilliant. That's really good.
129
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,323
Oh, really?
130
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,911
- [Oliver] Oh.
- [Zach] Okay.
131
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,871
So, we bust in on the Westies
with two celebrities
132
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,581
- and Eugene.
- [Eva] Mm-hmm.
133
00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:14,665
Then, what?
134
00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,125
It's almost go-time on the movie,
135
00:06:16,125 --> 00:06:18,086
so I'm gonna pump my cheeks
while we spitball.
136
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,129
- Can we get back to my idea for a minute?
- [Zach exhales]
137
00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:21,214
Because it's so simple.
138
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,841
We invite the Westies to, yes,
139
00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:26,344
Tony Danza's 35th annual
140
00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:28,805
"It's Time To Wear White Pants
Extrava-Danza."
141
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:32,558
Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of
Who's the Boss?
142
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:34,936
- I don't care. It's okay.
- [Oliver] Oh.
143
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,522
Then, we tell the Sauce Family
that Tony wants
144
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:40,233
to start his own line of sauces called
145
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,609
"Who's the Sauce?"
146
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:44,445
The Westies will then spill their story
147
00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:48,699
on account of Danza's, uh,
neighborhood wise-guy charisma.
148
00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:51,369
- Danza's the perfect plan-za.
- Mm.
149
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:52,745
I love it. I love it.
150
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:55,081
I would change it slightly
and maybe not do it.
151
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:58,584
And instead,
surprise them with a ding-dong.
152
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,255
- Wh-What...?
- Uh, say more about the ding-dong.
153
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:06,134
In soapy TV,
a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise.
154
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,886
It's like a-a long-lost brother returns,
155
00:07:08,886 --> 00:07:11,264
or, uh, your paralyzed uncle
156
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,349
starts to walk again after 40 years.
157
00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:14,851
Y-You're overthinking it.
158
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,937
One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff,
and the others are covering for 'em.
159
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,439
All we need to do is get them talking.
160
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,524
I say that we invite the Westies
161
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:24,110
to a celebrity-studded...
162
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,487
super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's.
163
00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:27,822
That's good.
164
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:30,199
Right. Our own turf.
The key is to remain calm.
165
00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:33,161
Well, having precise control
of our emotions
166
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,163
is what actors do best.
167
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,873
Yeah, the question is can you three do it?
168
00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,916
First of all, I am an actor!
169
00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:40,042
Well, let's not go crazy.
170
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:43,838
But also, I'm entirely capable
of catching the killer of my dear friend
171
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,883
who only wanted to open
a trampoline park so young--
172
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,473
I need to lie down.
173
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,184
[production set chatter continues]
174
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,228
Where the fuck is my bedroom?!
175
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:01,856
- [Oliver growls]
- [♪ gentle plucky music playing]
176
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,983
[Mabel]
I hope Charles can hold it together.
177
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:07,445
Confronting a friend's killer
just brings up a lotta shit.
178
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:10,031
[device buzzing]
179
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:12,116
[Oliver growls]
180
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,869
Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores
181
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:18,915
with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool.
182
00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,500
This is the infrared setting.
183
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,293
Yeah, it's also a nail gun,
184
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:25,296
has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head.
185
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:27,924
- [Oliver laughs]
- [cell phone ringing]
186
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,926
- Hello?
- [Loretta Durkin] [on phone] Hi!
187
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,720
- Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée.
- [Loretta giggles]
188
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,806
We're getting married
this weekend! [laughs]
189
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,683
[in Cary Grant impression]
Hello, my darling love.
190
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:38,768
This weekend?
191
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,854
I know, he's a little old
to have a shotgun wedding.
192
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:44,941
Yeah. More like a musket wedding.
[wheezing laugh]
193
00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:48,694
Where did he go?
194
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,363
[multitool buzzing stops]
195
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:53,032
Hey, look, it's also a recorder.
196
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:54,116
[clicks button]
197
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,786
[sing-songy]
♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪
198
00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:59,956
[recorder plays] [auto-tuned]
♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪
199
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:02,833
It has auto-tune. [giggles]
You wanna try it?
200
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:05,920
Uh, don't--
Definitely don't wanna touch that.
201
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,214
[clicks button, buzzing resumes]
202
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:09,924
- Yeah. Okay.
- [Loretta] Yeah.
203
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:12,176
No, no, honey. I-I will--
I will handle it all.
204
00:09:12,176 --> 00:09:14,303
- [Loretta] I can't believe we're here.
- I know. It's exciting.
205
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,763
Uh, no, I'll,
I'll make the arrangements.
206
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,431
Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye.
207
00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:19,850
- [production set chatter]
- [Oliver sighs]
208
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:20,935
[Zach]
Hey, that's my seat.
209
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,896
Oh! [laughs] Of course it is.
210
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:25,815
I, uh, I keep forgetting.
211
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:28,693
- Okay.
- We getting married this weekend?
212
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:29,986
I am.
213
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,488
Please don't tell me
you're gonna do it at a courthouse.
214
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,449
Weddings demand spectacle.
215
00:09:35,449 --> 00:09:38,286
Music, speeches, AK-47s
shot right up in the air.
216
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:40,413
Zach, I didn't realize
you were a fellow romantic.
217
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:43,749
Weddings are the most
important part of a marriage.
218
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,334
My wife and I get married quarterly.
219
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:48,129
The venue sets the tone
for your life together.
220
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,464
When we want playfulness,
we get married at the beach.
221
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:52,341
If we've been fighting, then...
222
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:54,343
it's at the site of
an important armistice.
223
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,929
Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David.
224
00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,348
We needed a lot of those.
225
00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:02,935
- Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine.
- Oh, she's right. It's perfect
226
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,604
'cause you'll be right back there
for the divorce.
227
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:06,772
- Zach?
- Yes.
228
00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:09,191
- We're rehearsing scene 13.
- Which one is that one?
229
00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:11,986
The one where Oliver explains
why his previous marriage failed.
230
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,446
Oh.
231
00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:16,240
- [set bell rings]
- [set chatter continues]
232
00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,452
Are you okay, Charles?
233
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,913
I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry.
234
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:26,500
And to be honest, it would layer
my performance if I could, uh,
235
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,753
see what it looks like.
236
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,005
Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no,
237
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:33,007
uh, you'll not see what it looks like
238
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,676
because it's not socially acceptable.
239
00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:37,303
Eugene, you wanna practice
flipping omelets?
240
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,805
Oh, the infamous omelet bit.
Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks.
241
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,182
I'll, uh, practice. Anyway,
242
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:44,060
I'm curious. I mean,
a-are-are you a yeller?
243
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,562
- Do you get violent?
- Oh, no. Worse.
244
00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:48,814
But it hasn't happened
in decades because of my
245
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,275
emotion suppression technique,
246
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:55,071
which involves breathing and a lot of,
247
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:57,156
uh, room straightening.
248
00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,450
[omelet splats]
249
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:00,951
[Charles gasps]
250
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,877
[♪ gentle plucky music playing]
251
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:11,420
There you go.
252
00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:13,130
[Eugene clears throat]
253
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:15,132
This bother you?
254
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,636
- No.
- This bother you?
255
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,598
- No.
- [Eugene Levy] Does this bother you?
256
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,141
Why are you doing that?
257
00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:25,601
- Does this...
- [Charles yelps]
258
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:32,483
♪
259
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:36,362
[quiet street noise]
260
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,906
Okay, they'll be here any minute.
261
00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:41,367
Now, I know we're all running hot.
We have a podcast,
262
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,953
two murders, a wedding,
263
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:45,204
but we're gonna stay calm.
264
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,415
Well, we can stay calm way more
than you can stay calm.
265
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:50,042
- It's not a competition.
- It's now a competition.
266
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,795
I've set my sphincter to clenching,
267
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,297
- unclenching, re-clenching.
- [knocking on door]
268
00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:57,383
- It's them. It's them.
- Okay. Okay.
269
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,679
Maybe I could throw together
a wedding booze cruise.
270
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,347
That's the blueprint
you want for your marriage?
271
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:05,182
You're freezing, you end up nowhere,
272
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,600
and the maid of honor fucks the skipper?
273
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,519
- [knocking on door]
- [Oliver snorts]
274
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,771
- [Charles] Come on, come on, come on.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
275
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:14,692
[knocking]
276
00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:19,029
Oh, hell-o!
277
00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,406
[laughter]
278
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,032
We brought snacks.
279
00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:24,452
[Inez]
Can't play cards without jamón!
280
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,162
[Alfonso]
That's right, mami.
281
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:27,705
Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming.
282
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,540
We figured we'd host
since it's a big group.
283
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:32,376
Ah, please.
Any friends of yours are friends of ours.
284
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:34,712
Especially if they're Hollywood stars.
285
00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:37,465
- [laughter]
- You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch,
286
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,508
but I'm winking playfully.
287
00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:40,593
[laughter]
288
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,219
- [door slams, lock clicks]
- [Mabel and Eva gasp]
289
00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,429
Let's go.
290
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:44,555
[knife slices]
291
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,515
We know you know about the checks.
292
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,601
Give us your phones now!
293
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,437
[♪ dramatic music playing]
294
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:52,521
[Oliver grumbles]
295
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,523
♪
296
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:55,608
[Eva mutters]
297
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,736
♪
298
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,908
[♪ suspenseful music playing]
299
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,494
- So, what's your move now, Vince?
- [Vince] You're gonna sit there,
300
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,537
you're gonna listen to our story.
301
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:10,456
Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm.
302
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,959
Although killers do always tell you
their story before they kill you.
303
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:18,464
They're gonna try to humanize themselves
with long origin stories.
304
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,841
Exactly. Like if we had gone through that,
305
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:22,802
we would've killed
and eaten Dudenoff, too.
306
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,262
- We didn't eat him.
- Yeah, but you killed him, right?
307
00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,099
Okay. So,
308
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,894
Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant.
309
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:35,397
Milton and his wife were regulars,
until she passed.
310
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,942
Then, he started ordering in.
311
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:41,445
And when we were understaffed,
we delivered to him on our way home.
312
00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:43,614
Oh, hell!
- [indistinct chatter]
313
00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:45,908
[Ana]
He looked so alone in his little studio.
314
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:49,453
[Inez] He invited us in.
We started playing cards.
315
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:52,039
[Alfonso]
Oh Hell on Friday nights.
316
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,874
It started to become a regular thing.
317
00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:56,085
- [Dudenoff] Please, please.
- Okay. So, the, uh,
318
00:13:56,085 --> 00:14:00,130
the secret ingredient here
is Jamón Ibérico.
319
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:03,717
- Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do.
- [Alfonso] Oh, thank you.
320
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:05,594
Our dream, actually, is to, uh,
321
00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:08,639
start our own line of sauces.
And I-I know this sounds crazy,
322
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:11,183
but Tony Danza would be an investor.
323
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:12,268
[soft laughter]
324
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:13,519
[Eugene]
So, you killed him
325
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:18,399
because he didn't deliver
the last piece of the dream?
326
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:20,317
Don't say Tony Danza.
327
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:22,236
Sauce Dad said it first!
328
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:23,904
- We didn't kill him!
- Never.
329
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,781
- Yeah. We definitely did not kill him.
- We loved him.
330
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:28,409
- Then, Crazy Rudy killed him.
- Crazy? Me?
331
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,787
[♪ "Deck The Halls" playing from sweater]
332
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:32,913
[Rudy sighs]
333
00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,874
I don't know why I keep
replacing the battery.
334
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,376
Lovely.
335
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,588
I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago.
336
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,214
I was trying to be an actor,
337
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:45,009
I was holding down five jobs,
and I signed up for his class.
338
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,510
I remember my first acting class.
339
00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:47,928
It was a film class.
340
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:51,015
It was in a closet of a basement
of a subway stop.
341
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,975
Most of my scene partners
were sex workers.
342
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,311
[Rudy Thurber]
Okay. [clears throat]
343
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:59,148
One day, we watched A Few Good Men
in Professor Dudenoff's class.
344
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,609
I ran up to him afterwards on the street,
and I said,
345
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:05,112
I'd studied a monologue from
that film for my previous class.
346
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:07,740
He asked me to do it, and I did.
347
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,743
I did the whole thing,
right there at the bus stop.
348
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:13,037
- It went something like this.
- Oh...
349
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,788
"You want answers?"
"I think I'm entitled."
350
00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:16,665
"You want answers?"
"I want the truth!"
351
00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:18,834
-"You can't handle the truth!
- [Oliver mouthing along]
352
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:20,336
"Son, we live in a world that has walls,
353
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:22,379
"and those walls need to be
guarded by men with guns.
354
00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:23,464
"Who's gonna do it? You?
355
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,132
"You, Lieutenant Weinberg?
356
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:26,258
I have a greater respons--"
357
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,218
I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do
the whole monologue?
358
00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:31,221
Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing.
I think it's worth it.
359
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:35,601
"I have a greater responsibility
than you can possibly fathom!
360
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,227
"You weep for Santiago...
Saves lives...
361
00:15:37,227 --> 00:15:41,106
"My existence, while grotesque and
incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
362
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,775
"You don't want the truth
because, deep down,
363
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,818
"in places you don't
talk about at parties,
364
00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,654
"you want me on that wall!
365
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,322
"You need me on that wall...
366
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:50,449
"Otherwise, I suggest you pick up
a weapon and stand a post.
367
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:54,203
Either way, I don't give a damn
what you think you're entitled to!"
368
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,580
"Did you order the code red?"
"I did the job."
369
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:59,333
"Did you order the code red?"
"You're goddamn right I did!"
370
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,628
- Oh... Oh, that was wonderful.
- [Rudy panting]
371
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:03,712
♪
372
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:04,922
I blew his socks off.
373
00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:08,425
And he invited me back
to his place at the Arconia.
374
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:10,511
- That's my jam.
- And this? What's this?
375
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,596
Uh, that is a ham radio.
376
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:14,139
What do you do with a ham radio?
377
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:17,101
No, it's just-- it's just a hobby,
you know? A-And a very...
378
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,603
[Rudy] Of course,
I got my own ham radio.
379
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,271
And ultimately, we all did.
380
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,440
And Professor Dudenoff looked at me.
381
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:24,817
He said...
382
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,944
You know, you're really very good, Rudy.
383
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,904
Thank you. That...
384
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:29,989
That means a lot to me.
385
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,075
[sighing]
386
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,660
Let me ask you somethin'.
387
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:38,330
If your life were a movie,
388
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,917
what would be your happy ending?
389
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:44,461
And that's when he touched
your Santa sack,
390
00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:45,629
and you had your "happy ending."
391
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:47,423
- [Mabel] Eva!
- [Eva] What?
392
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:49,550
[Rudy]
No! I said I wanted to stay in the city,
393
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,885
keep performing, keep trying,
394
00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:55,431
and live with fewer roommates
who use towels as toilet paper.
395
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,933
That was my dream.
396
00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:01,020
So, Charles, that leaves
397
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,771
your "friend" Vince.
398
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:05,941
He exposed you to pink eye,
and what did you get?
399
00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,443
Lies!
400
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:08,902
And, likely, pink eye.
401
00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:12,031
Come on, doesn't that make you... angry?
402
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,491
[Charles quietly wheezes]
403
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:16,243
Oh, I'm fine.
404
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,411
I'm suppressing,
405
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,580
and I'm suppressing, and suppressing,
406
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,665
and I'm... good.
407
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:25,502
Alright. Since none of you seem
408
00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:27,963
to be on the verge of a psychotic break.
409
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,841
Before my wife died, she made me promise
410
00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:33,719
that I wouldn't turn into
one of those weird lonely old men.
411
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,596
Now, we both loved movies,
412
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,849
so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer
for his film class,
413
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:42,978
I thought that this way was her way
of telling me to go out and make friends.
414
00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:45,564
But, oh, those kids...
415
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:49,359
[♪ "Auld Lang Syne" playing]
416
00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:53,405
♪ Lang... Syne! ♪
417
00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:56,617
- [♪ song ends]
- [Dudenoff] You know, the reason
418
00:17:56,617 --> 00:18:02,623
It's A Wonderful Life is timeless
comes down to one thing.
419
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,502
Casting. You know,
420
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:09,588
if you can populate your story
421
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:11,799
with the right people,
422
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,718
your work will live forever.
423
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:17,429
[sighs]
Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless.
424
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,223
It's pro-capitalist gaslighting!
425
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,891
George Bailey's life still sucks,
426
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:23,477
- and Potter just gets away with it.
- [Vince] [emotional] No!
427
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,021
No, you missed the point! [sniffles]
428
00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,607
George ends up with his family.
Potter's all alone.
429
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,776
- I like being alone.
- [scattered laughter]
430
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,862
Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience.
431
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:35,823
[sniffles] But being really alone?
432
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:39,952
There's nothing worse.
You don't smile, you don't laugh,
433
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,996
you stop caring about
what food tastes like 'cause...
434
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,081
[sniffles]
435
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,709
you still wake up alone again without her.
436
00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:48,794
Every class...
437
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,088
But Dudenoff, him I liked.
438
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:53,590
"...hates poor people.
This movie hates trees."
439
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:55,259
Why do they have to be
so mad all the time?
440
00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:57,928
- This world's a dumpster fire.
- [Vince] It sure is.
441
00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:00,472
In this city, you know, kid,
442
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:04,685
you can't even afford an apartment
unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it.
443
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:08,105
- And why can't a movie just be a movie?
- [Dudenoff sighs]
444
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:10,065
[♪ soft music playing]
445
00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:12,234
Jack Lemmon in The Apartment.
I-I-I didn't know that...
446
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:14,736
[Vince] And he invited me
to join his weekly card game.
447
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:16,196
[Dudenoff]
I-I feel empathetic.
448
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:18,782
[Vince] I had no idea
why he knew we'd click...
449
00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:20,117
[muffled chatter]
450
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:22,578
- ...but we did.
- [Rudy chuckles]
451
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,747
His wife had been a music teacher.
Back when the city was cheap,
452
00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:28,208
whenever a unit would
open up on their floor,
453
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,461
they would grab it. You know,
she'd use it for music classes or,
454
00:19:31,461 --> 00:19:35,007
you know, uh, let a kid stay there
if he was going through tough times.
455
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:36,758
But with her gone,
456
00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:41,013
Professor Dudenoff was living
amid, um, an empty hallway.
457
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:44,057
He just couldn't bear to
give up those apartments.
458
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:48,353
And one night,
after many hours of Oh Hell,
459
00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:54,234
he decided that
he wasn't going to turn into
460
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:57,321
one of those weird lonely old men.
461
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,866
He broke the law for us,
462
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,369
so that we could have
a chance at our dreams.
463
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:06,163
But he had a dream, too.
464
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,623
To live in Portugal.
465
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,167
And he left. And, no,
466
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:14,213
- we haven't heard from him since.
- [Alfonso] And, yes,
467
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,673
we've been keeping up the ruse and...
468
00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:19,218
cashing his checks.
469
00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:21,887
So that's the whole thing?
470
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:25,015
Yeah, we could do it again if you like.
I could do a comedy version if you want--
471
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:26,433
[overlapping "Nos"]
472
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,185
- Thank you.
- [Oliver] Oh God, no.
473
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,479
- Okay, I think we're done here.
- [doorbell rings]
474
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,481
Not yet.
475
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,692
It's ding-dong time.
476
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:38,111
[gasps] You pulled a ding-dong?
477
00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:39,446
- It was a good idea.
- [door opens]
478
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:40,530
[♪ tense sting]
479
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,742
- [door shuts]
- [♪ suspenseful music playing]
480
00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,120
- [Westies gasp]
- Helga?!
481
00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:49,706
What are you doing here?
482
00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:52,709
Mabel reached out on the ham radio.
483
00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:54,920
I'm here to tell the truth.
484
00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:58,173
We can't handle the truth.
485
00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:03,887
[♪ curious music playing]
486
00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,847
[Charles]
You're Helga?
487
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:07,891
I imagined you toothless with a club.
488
00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:10,227
[scoffs] Disregard him, Helga.
489
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:13,230
His brain is covered with plaque.
Please go on.
490
00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:17,859
I-I first met Dudenoff
when I'd just become a locksmith,
491
00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:19,653
which was my childhood dream.
492
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:20,737
Wait? Really?
493
00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:24,116
No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot.
494
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:27,995
So, my father died
and left me the business.
495
00:21:28,745 --> 00:21:32,249
He was all I had until I met Dudenoff.
496
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:35,836
[♪ muffled "Perfect Strangers"
theme song playing]
497
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:38,839
[♪ Dudenoff humming along]
498
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:41,133
[sings]
♪ Standing tall ♪
499
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,051
You know, it's before your time,
500
00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:44,636
but that's the theme song to--
501
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:47,180
It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know.
502
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:48,640
Yes.
503
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,268
- Yeah.
- You know, I've never met anyone
504
00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:52,978
- who loses their keys this often.
- [lock clicks]
505
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,482
Some people your age
put it on a retractable belt...
506
00:21:57,482 --> 00:22:00,527
It's not dementia.
I always lose my keys. I--
507
00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:04,614
My wife used to let me in, but...
508
00:22:04,614 --> 00:22:07,701
[♪ theme song continues]
509
00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:11,538
- Okay!
- [lock buzzes]
510
00:22:11,538 --> 00:22:13,290
- Ah, look at that.
- [Helga] So, uh,
511
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:16,001
what is a code that someone
your age can remember?
512
00:22:17,919 --> 00:22:20,630
[sighs] How about, um,
513
00:22:20,630 --> 00:22:21,798
"Oh Hell"?
514
00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:24,051
Wait, like the card game?
515
00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,802
- You know it?
- [Helga] My father and I
516
00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:27,554
used to play all the time.
517
00:22:27,554 --> 00:22:29,556
I haven't since he died.
518
00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:31,850
[sighs] I'm sorry,
519
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,186
you just look so much like him.
520
00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:35,896
Except, uh, he was tall.
521
00:22:35,896 --> 00:22:38,023
And blonde. And hot.
522
00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:39,107
[Dudenoff chuckles]
523
00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:43,278
Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers.
524
00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:45,572
Huh...
525
00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,368
You know, uh,
526
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,661
we have this little
card game Friday nights.
527
00:22:51,661 --> 00:22:53,663
[Helga]
And that is how I met the gang.
528
00:22:53,663 --> 00:22:56,208
- Why not?
- [Alfonso] Mm! Mm!
529
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,835
[Helga]
Yeah, I was there, too.
530
00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:01,129
I'm sure they didn't mention that.
531
00:23:01,129 --> 00:23:03,298
- Wow.
- [Alfonso] Yeah!
532
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,634
[Helga] At first,
they were the nicest group of people
533
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,761
I had met in New York City,
534
00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:10,764
a place I'd always wanted to call home.
535
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,350
[Inez]
Helga, so where do you live, honey?
536
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,060
Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel.
537
00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:17,270
It's only 85 train stops away.
538
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:18,814
You'd love it.
539
00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:21,733
Then, he gave us these
nice cheap apartments,
540
00:23:21,733 --> 00:23:24,152
and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers
541
00:23:24,152 --> 00:23:26,655
into a family.
542
00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:28,740
But a few years later...
543
00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:30,742
[♪ somber music playing]
544
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,244
...he was gone.
545
00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:34,246
[keys jingle]
546
00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:38,208
Said he felt bad doing it in a note,
547
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:40,836
but he'd had enough of goodbyes.
548
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,129
He was off to Portugal.
549
00:23:42,879 --> 00:23:46,925
After helping us with our dreams,
he wanted to live his.
550
00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:49,636
- [power snaps, whirs down]
- [♪ music stops suddenly]
551
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:51,721
- [lights click, power whirs back]
- [♪ music restarts]
552
00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:55,642
I knew the power only surged
when the old incinerator was used,
553
00:23:55,642 --> 00:23:58,645
but I didn't suspect anything. Yet...
554
00:23:58,645 --> 00:23:59,855
[podcast playing on phone]
555
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:03,483
Suddenly, we all went from
talking every day to nothing.
556
00:24:03,483 --> 00:24:05,235
Total silence.
557
00:24:05,235 --> 00:24:07,654
And then, your podcast started.
558
00:24:07,654 --> 00:24:09,406
[Mabel] [on podcast]
One thing was for sure.
559
00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:12,075
Someone in the Arconia
was hiding something.
560
00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:14,828
[Oliver] [on podcast] A homicidal freak
who poisoned a perfect,
561
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,329
if gassy, dog.
562
00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:20,167
[Helga]
Everyone was acting so secretive.
563
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:21,251
Helga!
564
00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:23,003
[Helga]
I listened to the podcast.
565
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,880
All those unexplained things
566
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,257
someone in the building
was doing to scare you.
567
00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:31,595
What if it was them trying to
cover up what they had done?
568
00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:33,263
Let's play cards.
569
00:24:33,263 --> 00:24:35,682
[Helga]
And I started to wonder.
570
00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:37,767
[group murmuring]
571
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:38,935
Please.
572
00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:41,730
[Helga]
Why did the power surge that night?
573
00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:45,775
I couldn't prove they had anything
to do with Dudenoff's disappearance,
574
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,154
but I knew in my bones
575
00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:50,822
I had to move out.
576
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:52,032
They killed him!
577
00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:53,492
- [Inez gasps]
- We didn't!
578
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:56,411
- No, no! He went to Portugal.
- Dead men don't send ham!
579
00:24:56,411 --> 00:24:58,413
Then, what's this?
580
00:24:58,413 --> 00:24:59,956
I can't see.
581
00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:01,958
I actually don't know. What is that?
582
00:25:01,958 --> 00:25:04,294
- Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder.
- [all gasp]
583
00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:07,506
It was in the incinerator.
You killed and burned him that night.
584
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,966
And when Sazz figured it out,
you killed and burned her, too.
585
00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:12,802
And when we tried to look into that,
you tried to kill me!
586
00:25:12,802 --> 00:25:15,722
Yeah, another way to put that
is you actually shot me.
587
00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:18,308
What are we doing? What are we doing?
What are we doing?
588
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:19,851
These people are murderers!
589
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:24,314
I'm tired of being the nice guy here
with no temper!
590
00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,816
I'm a Canadian man connected
591
00:25:26,816 --> 00:25:29,194
to his rage right now!
592
00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:32,447
And [laughs] God, it feels so good!
593
00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:35,951
Charles, tantrum with me.
594
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:37,661
No, no, no.
595
00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:40,664
They incinerated your friend, Charles.
596
00:25:40,664 --> 00:25:44,000
- And then plied you with word games...
- No. [laughs] No. No.
597
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,545
...from the New York Times!
598
00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:51,383
[gasping, quiet wheezing]
599
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:54,094
[♪ curious music playing]
600
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:55,845
- So far, I'm underwhelmed.
- [coasters clatter]
601
00:25:56,763 --> 00:25:58,473
[gasping breaths]
602
00:25:58,473 --> 00:25:59,933
[Oliver]
Uh-huh...
603
00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:02,310
- [barely audible wheezing]
- Yes. Interesting.
604
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:04,312
Is this how I find out he's a mime?
605
00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:06,815
No, no, no. We can't hear him,
but I'm so tuned into his character,
606
00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:09,693
I can feel his words. He's saying...
607
00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:11,987
[barely audible wheezing]
608
00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:13,863
..."These people killed Sazz!
609
00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:17,576
"I am steamed... and put out!
610
00:26:18,118 --> 00:26:20,453
- To some degree."
- [Vince] Oh, the hell with this!
611
00:26:20,453 --> 00:26:22,330
- Gimme that! Helga!
- [indistinct yelling]
612
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:26,626
You're not the only one who got a note
the night that Dudenoff died.
613
00:26:26,626 --> 00:26:27,711
Now, everybody,
614
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,714
come with me!
615
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,928
[♪ mysterious music playing]
616
00:26:41,516 --> 00:26:43,518
We all got notes that night.
617
00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:46,479
Only ours were different.
618
00:26:49,065 --> 00:26:51,943
[Rudy] "You are cordially
invited to my funeral.
619
00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:54,237
Midnight, in the basement.
Don't tell Helga."
620
00:26:55,530 --> 00:26:57,741
- [Alfonso] What the fuck?
- Funeral?
621
00:26:57,741 --> 00:26:59,492
I don't like it.
622
00:26:59,492 --> 00:27:01,661
Come on. Let's go.
623
00:27:01,661 --> 00:27:04,539
- [Ana sighs]
- [Alfonso] Come on, come on.
624
00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:07,626
[♪ music building]
625
00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:13,632
[service elevator rattling]
626
00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:16,217
[overlapping chatter]
627
00:27:16,217 --> 00:27:18,678
Hey! Milton, what's going on?
628
00:27:18,678 --> 00:27:21,931
- Hey-- Okay--
- [overlapping chatter continues]
629
00:27:21,931 --> 00:27:24,392
Hey, can I just talk?! Can I?
630
00:27:24,392 --> 00:27:25,644
- Yeah.
- Of course.
631
00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:27,103
[Dudenoff]
Uh, so,
632
00:27:27,103 --> 00:27:30,565
you know I'm always saying a movie
is only as good as its cast?
633
00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:34,736
Now, I'm just a teacher.
I never got to make...
634
00:27:35,362 --> 00:27:36,613
my own movie.
635
00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:38,740
But I'll tell you this.
636
00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:41,660
If our lives were a movie...
637
00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:43,370
[laughs]
638
00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:45,580
I cast the shit outta this one.
639
00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:47,040
[soft laughter]
640
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,628
Professor, what exactly are we doing here?
641
00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:54,297
Well, uh...
642
00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:57,467
I-I have some medical news.
643
00:27:57,467 --> 00:27:59,552
[weak laugh] Um...
644
00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:02,263
I'm an old guy, so, you know,
645
00:28:02,263 --> 00:28:05,350
it's not like Terms of Endearment sad
or anything,
646
00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:08,144
but, you know, I-- Uh...
647
00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:10,021
they tell me I've, uh,
only got a few months.
648
00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:11,648
- [shocked chatter]
- And so--
649
00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:15,402
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, you know, when I'm gone...
650
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:17,362
[♪ somber music playing]
651
00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:20,657
...uh, this building,
they're gonna swoop in and,
652
00:28:20,657 --> 00:28:24,369
you know, tear our cast apart. But,
653
00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:26,663
I have a workaround.
654
00:28:26,663 --> 00:28:28,248
And, uh...
655
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:34,504
and it's that you will all keep me alive.
656
00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:37,841
W-Well, I mean, actually no
657
00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:41,428
'cause I've just taken
a hell of a lot of pills.
658
00:28:41,428 --> 00:28:42,721
[shocked chatter]
659
00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:45,014
I want you, tonight,
660
00:28:45,014 --> 00:28:47,517
to put my body in the incinerator!
661
00:28:47,517 --> 00:28:49,477
- [all yelling]
- [Dudenoff] Yes! Yes!
662
00:28:49,477 --> 00:28:53,189
And then, I want you to cash
my social security checks,
663
00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:56,276
and I want you to tell everybody
I just moved to Portugal.
664
00:28:57,736 --> 00:28:58,737
[sighs]
665
00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,156
And you...
666
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:03,158
you can't tell Helga.
667
00:29:03,992 --> 00:29:07,120
I'm just gonna record a message,
you know, in case, uh,
668
00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:11,040
you know, she finds out,
and then, she won't blame you.
669
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:12,375
- We can call an ambulance.
- Yeah--
670
00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:14,961
No, come on, let me do this.
Just let-- Just let me do this.
671
00:29:16,713 --> 00:29:19,132
Please. And then, you know, afterwards,
672
00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:21,092
then let's just all hug and shit, okay?
673
00:29:21,676 --> 00:29:23,303
Hey, so, Vince, come on.
674
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:24,387
[snaps fingers]
675
00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:27,182
Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing.
676
00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:30,059
Come on. One take.
677
00:29:30,059 --> 00:29:33,563
[♪ somber music continues]
678
00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:35,565
- [clicks knob, film whirs]
- [Alfonso] It's okay.
679
00:29:35,565 --> 00:29:36,983
It's okay. It's okay.
680
00:29:36,983 --> 00:29:38,526
[camera whirring]
681
00:29:42,655 --> 00:29:46,075
♪
682
00:29:46,284 --> 00:29:49,287
[projector whirring]
683
00:29:50,747 --> 00:29:53,541
[Dudenoff] [on film]
Hey, Helga. I know you're angry.
684
00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:57,045
But, you know, you had such a, uh,
685
00:29:57,045 --> 00:30:00,423
hard time bouncing back after your dad
that I-I had this...
686
00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:04,260
stupid thought that maybe I could...
687
00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:06,846
shield you from another death.
688
00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:08,681
But, if you're watching this,
689
00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:11,267
then, you know,
my master plan has gone to hell.
690
00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:14,020
And, hopefully, I haven't.
691
00:30:14,687 --> 00:30:17,106
What can a guy do but try, right?
692
00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:19,192
Here's looking at you, kid.
693
00:30:21,069 --> 00:30:22,070
[film crackles]
694
00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:24,072
[projector clicking]
695
00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:28,284
- We're so sorry, baby.
- [Helga sniffling]
696
00:30:28,284 --> 00:30:31,663
Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted,
697
00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:32,872
to keep us all together.
698
00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:35,124
[Vince]
Move on back in with us.
699
00:30:35,124 --> 00:30:37,001
- Please.
- Please.
700
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:40,463
It is the only place in New York
where I can have a pig.
701
00:30:40,463 --> 00:30:42,465
- [laughter]
- [Mabel] Wait.
702
00:30:42,465 --> 00:30:45,718
Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend?
703
00:30:45,718 --> 00:30:47,011
That was another lie?
704
00:30:47,011 --> 00:30:49,472
Yeah, in addition to
setting a human on fire,
705
00:30:49,472 --> 00:30:51,558
we also lied about me having a girlfriend.
706
00:30:51,558 --> 00:30:53,142
May God have mercy.
707
00:30:53,142 --> 00:30:55,770
- [♪ gentle music playing]
- [Helga sniffles]
708
00:30:56,813 --> 00:30:57,814
[Mabel sighs]
709
00:31:00,608 --> 00:31:01,609
[Eva]
Hmm.
710
00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:06,322
So, these are not murderers.
711
00:31:06,948 --> 00:31:08,157
[Eva]
No, but...
712
00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:10,201
we've got one hell of a podcast.
713
00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:12,829
- [multitool clicks]
- [Alfonso] [auto-tuned] And, yes,
714
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,999
we've been keeping up the ruse
and cashing his checks.
715
00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:17,208
Oh God. We're going to jail.
716
00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:19,794
- Well...
- [clicks button]
717
00:31:19,794 --> 00:31:21,838
No, you're not.
718
00:31:21,838 --> 00:31:26,175
Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos
living in the Arconia.
719
00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:30,805
The podcast brought us together.
I don't wanna use it to tear them apart.
720
00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:34,142
- [Westies murmuring]
- [quietly] Bless you.
721
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,772
So, humanity's more important
to you than the podcast?
722
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:41,149
- What a revelation.
- [Eva] Hmm.
723
00:31:43,401 --> 00:31:47,155
Okay, what if it's not three losers,
but, like, a family of losers
724
00:31:47,155 --> 00:31:50,617
who wants to make the world a better place
before two of them die?
725
00:31:51,117 --> 00:31:52,577
That's one way to look at it.
726
00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:53,661
Yeah. Well, I have more.
727
00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:55,079
- You wanna hear more?
- [Mabel] No thanks.
728
00:31:55,079 --> 00:31:57,332
Speaking of family, I should tell you
729
00:31:58,249 --> 00:32:00,293
that I had my assistant's assistant
730
00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:02,879
book you a wedding atop...
731
00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:05,882
the Empire State Building,
encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons.
732
00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:07,842
- No, no. I--
- Don't worry. I-'m gonna...
733
00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:09,385
I'll pay for it.
734
00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:12,680
I wish I could tell you this
gives me joy, but it doesn't.
735
00:32:13,681 --> 00:32:15,683
You are not the romantic
I thought you were,
736
00:32:15,683 --> 00:32:18,269
and I don't know how I'm gonna play you
737
00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:20,355
or respect you.
738
00:32:20,355 --> 00:32:23,066
So, [sighs] here we are.
739
00:32:23,066 --> 00:32:25,652
Well, thank you, Zachary, for those...
740
00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:27,779
lovely words. But,
741
00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:31,491
Loretta and I shall marry here,
in the Arconia.
742
00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:33,785
This is where we fell in love,
743
00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:36,704
and I want a marriage
744
00:32:36,704 --> 00:32:39,332
where we fall in love every day
745
00:32:39,332 --> 00:32:42,126
for the rest of our very long lives.
746
00:32:43,461 --> 00:32:44,921
You...
747
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:47,048
adorable baloney loaf.
748
00:32:47,048 --> 00:32:48,800
- [weak laugh]
- You...
749
00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:51,386
beautiful bitchy...
750
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:54,013
baloney loaf.
751
00:32:54,013 --> 00:32:55,723
Do you know what a baloney loaf is?
752
00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:56,808
Uh--
753
00:32:58,017 --> 00:33:00,019
[♪ gentle music playing]
754
00:33:00,603 --> 00:33:02,522
You are a romantic.
755
00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:04,273
- [smacks]
- [Oliver snorts]
756
00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:07,610
You got me in touch with my emotions.
Thank you.
757
00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:10,780
Well, it was an honor playing a small part
758
00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:13,241
in bringing out your true self.
759
00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:15,868
And Charles, I won't
alienate your audience
760
00:33:15,868 --> 00:33:18,746
- by putting any of it on film.
- [elevator dings]
761
00:33:23,042 --> 00:33:24,544
- Bye.
- Bye.
762
00:33:25,211 --> 00:33:26,212
Bye.
763
00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:29,841
- [Oliver sighs]
- You good?
764
00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:31,634
[Mabel]
Yeah, I'm good.
765
00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:38,933
[Dudenoff] Whether or not everyone makes
it back to shore in the movie Lifeboat...
766
00:33:38,933 --> 00:33:42,854
♪
767
00:33:45,106 --> 00:33:47,108
...I'll leave for you to discover.
768
00:33:48,609 --> 00:33:52,697
But what the film is really about
is found families,
769
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:55,283
fighting together for their survival
770
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:58,703
in waters that can be
really tough to get through
771
00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:00,204
if you're all alone.
772
00:34:00,204 --> 00:34:03,291
[♪ gentle music continues]
773
00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,552
[Mabel] In the end, there was
no murder in the West Tower.
774
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:16,721
Just a guy who moved to Portugal
775
00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:19,390
- and made a family out of strangers.
- [recorder beeps]
776
00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:21,059
Well, found family,
777
00:34:21,059 --> 00:34:25,521
we buried a great podcast story
and are back to square one.
778
00:34:25,938 --> 00:34:26,939
[drops cards]
779
00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:31,903
[sighs] Why can't we ever get a ding-dong
when we run out of leads?
780
00:34:31,903 --> 00:34:33,362
[knocking on door]
781
00:34:33,362 --> 00:34:35,448
Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong!
782
00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:37,033
[Oliver sighs]
783
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,204
- Think he's got any Gut Milk in there?
- [door opens]
784
00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:43,790
I already checked the fridge.
He just has beer.
785
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:45,917
- [Hammy oinking]
- Look who's here.
786
00:34:46,584 --> 00:34:49,003
Oh, hey, Helga.
I see you got your pig back.
787
00:34:49,003 --> 00:34:52,882
Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man
who reluctantly returned her to me.
788
00:34:52,882 --> 00:34:54,133
I think his name is Howard?
789
00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:55,676
[Hammy grunts]
790
00:34:55,676 --> 00:34:57,678
I didn't want to bring it up
among the reunions,
791
00:34:57,678 --> 00:35:01,307
but I wanted to tell you something
about your friend, Sazz.
792
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,227
Wait. You actually knew her?
793
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:06,395
Yes. She was on the ham radio,
794
00:35:06,395 --> 00:35:09,357
asking about all these huge plot holes
you had in your podcast.
795
00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:11,317
- Not holes.
- Oh!
796
00:35:11,317 --> 00:35:14,821
You're how Sazz knew about
all the West Tower stuff in her notes.
797
00:35:14,821 --> 00:35:16,572
There was another thing though.
798
00:35:16,572 --> 00:35:20,868
She talked about a stuntman
on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma.
799
00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:23,287
She said he was her protégé,
800
00:35:23,287 --> 00:35:26,457
but that he had messed up pretty badly
and he was harassing her.
801
00:35:26,457 --> 00:35:30,545
She said, "He's dangerous,
and he's gonna be the death of me."
802
00:35:31,712 --> 00:35:34,423
- What's Project Ronkonkoma?
- Check IMDb.
803
00:35:34,423 --> 00:35:36,509
- That's a website.
- I know what IMDb is.
804
00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:38,344
My agent says he's gonna get me on it.
805
00:35:38,344 --> 00:35:40,930
Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma.
806
00:35:40,930 --> 00:35:42,431
Who's the stuntperson?
807
00:35:42,431 --> 00:35:44,642
Is it someone we can talk to?
808
00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:47,436
- Not exactly.
- [Hammy oinks]
809
00:35:47,812 --> 00:35:50,940
[medical devices beeping, hissing]
810
00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:53,276
[♪ music building]
811
00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:58,573
[♪ dramatic music playing]
812
00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:23,556
♪
813
00:36:47,538 --> 00:36:48,623
[♪ music ends]
814
00:36:48,623 --> 00:36:51,626
[♪ fanfare playing]