1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:02,794 [Mabel Mora] Who is Dudenoff? 2 00:00:02,794 --> 00:00:04,212 Do you know who's out to get me? 3 00:00:04,212 --> 00:00:05,672 [Helga] [on radio] The last person who came around 4 00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,257 asking these questions got killed. 5 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:10,010 We're illegally subletting rent-controlled apartments. 6 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,221 Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal. We send him rent. 7 00:00:13,221 --> 00:00:14,723 The voice on the ham radio said-- 8 00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:17,225 - That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend, - Your crazy ex-girlfriend. 9 00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:20,645 You may have heard about our little "firearms moment" at the photo shoot. 10 00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:21,813 - [gunshot] - [people screaming] 11 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,023 It's Glen! He's still alive! 12 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,483 [Zach Galifianakis] They got me in my fat! 13 00:00:25,483 --> 00:00:27,402 {\an8}Dudenoff? He's been cashing social security checks 14 00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,112 {\an8}at a bodega on 125th Street. 15 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,905 {\an8}[Mabel] There's two left shoulders? 16 00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:34,075 Sazz's body wasn't the only one in the incinerator. 17 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:36,786 It belongs... to Dudenoff. 18 00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:38,788 Oliver, I wanna marry you. 19 00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:40,999 Whosever cashing Dudenoff's checks is after you. 20 00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:44,085 Your friend Howard says he knows who killed Dudenoff. 21 00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,671 Wasn't just one person cashing his checks. 22 00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:49,007 He found five different signatures 23 00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:51,051 - with one phone number. - Hello? 24 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,218 [Howard gasps] 25 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,346 They know. 26 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,144 [artillery exploding] 27 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:05,148 [Milton Dudenoff] Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film 28 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:10,111 set entirely in a small boat filled with disparate characters 29 00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:13,865 who learn how far they'd go to survive the rough waters 30 00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:15,658 of their perilous circumstances. 31 00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,243 [♪ jaunty music playing] 32 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,828 In New York City, 33 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:23,625 a lifeboat can look a lot like an affordable apartment in a nice building 34 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,752 on the Upper West Side. 35 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,212 [Vince Fish] Can I go in this way? 36 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:28,296 [pedestrian] Hey, taxi! 37 00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:29,380 [elevator doors shut] 38 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:32,342 [♪ jaunty music continues] 39 00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:38,515 - [elevator dings] - Well, I can make another tape. I c-- 40 00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:42,811 - Hey! - Hey. Call-- call me back. 41 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,271 You got one of those fancy invites from Dudenoff, too, huh? 42 00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:48,024 Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery." 43 00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:50,151 I think it was delivered by a raven. 44 00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:53,238 - Is your eye okay? - Yeah, it's probably just allergies. 45 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,990 Hey! You guys got an invite, too? 46 00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,867 [laughs] Yeah. Check out this cardstock. 47 00:01:57,867 --> 00:02:00,954 He knows we can, like, text, right? 48 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:03,623 Is someone gonna knock already? 49 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:06,334 [in European accent] Wait for me! Wait for me! 50 00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:08,419 - Helga! - I brought my new girlfriend. 51 00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:10,088 I hope that is okay. 52 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,632 Of course. Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker? 53 00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,467 [Inez] Piggy in a blanket! 54 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,844 [Hammy squeals] 55 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,597 Oh, hell! 56 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:21,391 Look who it is. 57 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,977 Come on in. Make yourself comfortable. 58 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,980 I'm about to change your lives. 59 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,066 [♪ lively theme song playing] 60 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:33,153 [♪ vocalizing] 61 00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,318 [♪ theme song fades out] 62 00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:18,198 - [♪ curious music playing] - [car engine starting] 63 00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:21,242 {\an8}[Charles-Haden Savage] One thing about choosing a safe house 64 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,410 {\an8}filled with your family. 65 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,370 {\an8}[Oliver Putnam] What's that, Charles? 66 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:28,541 {\an8}[Charles] It makes going home to a building full of murderers more appealing. 67 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,210 {\an8}- [car sputtering] - [Oliver grunts] 68 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:36,132 {\an8}- [car hissing, rattling] - [Mabel] Seriously? 69 00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,885 {\an8}[Oliver] [coughing gags] Okay, just put-- [sighs] 70 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:43,056 {\an8}[sighs] No, no, no. Charles, use your hips. 71 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,391 {\an8}Up and around like a hula hoop. Do this thing. 72 00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:47,352 {\an8}- [Charles] It's not helping. - Would you just let me? 73 00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,438 {\an8}No, I can do it. It's just a problem with the, uh, th-the fuselage. 74 00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,815 {\an8}How do neither of you know how to pop the hood of a car? 75 00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:56,569 - Because real men hire other men, Mabel. - Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away, 76 00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:59,447 {\an8}and it's good to leave them something to do 'cause it makes 'em happy. 77 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:02,533 {\an8}- You're a real philanthropist. Hang on. - [musical ring tone] 78 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,870 {\an8}[groans] They're calling again! Ignore! 79 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:08,831 {\an8}- [Oliver mutters, sniffs] - Well, while we're waiting, 80 00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:10,833 {\an8}we should probably do a recap. 81 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,460 {\an8}Here's what we know so far. 82 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:15,255 {\an8}This Dudenoff guy has a bunch of rent-controlled units, 83 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,173 and he moved the Westies in. 84 00:04:17,173 --> 00:04:21,010 Then, even though they need him alive to keep their homes, 85 00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:23,012 they kill and burn him. 86 00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,014 And then, they cash his checks to cover it up. 87 00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:29,060 And when poor Sazz caught onto them, they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment. 88 00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:30,853 And then, they shot at me, barely missing 89 00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:33,147 the most essential person to our investigative work. 90 00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:35,191 I can't believe Vince Fish would do this! 91 00:04:35,191 --> 00:04:36,859 He was my Wordle buddy! 92 00:04:36,859 --> 00:04:39,779 - [ringtone plays] - Oh! [growls] Hold on. 93 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,407 Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now. 94 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:43,825 - [FaceTime answers] - Hello? 95 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:47,829 Hey, guys! So the sexy half of this crime-solving sextet 96 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,330 has some thoughts. 97 00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,332 Don't you have to go to rehearsal? 98 00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:53,876 Now that we know that we're indispensable, we cannot leave you alone. 99 00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:55,962 We are professional investigators, 100 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,172 and you are playing us in a movie because of it! 101 00:04:58,172 --> 00:04:59,632 We are fine on our own! 102 00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,884 Hey, can we just, uh, mute you for a second? 103 00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:03,803 If you're muting us, we're muting you! 104 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:05,555 [Zach] [on phone] Okay, good. Muting each other. 105 00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:07,223 [Zach sighs] 106 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:08,933 Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this? 107 00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:11,102 Uh, y-you didn't mute us. 108 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,938 Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now. 109 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,733 - What happened? I'm muted. [snorts] - [Eva Longoria] No, we can still hear you. 110 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,068 Tell you what? Let's just not mute! 111 00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:21,112 [over phone] We need to find someplace safe to plan. 112 00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,156 Anywhere but the Arconia. 113 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,741 [♪ curious music playing] 114 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,368 Okay. I know just the place. 115 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,911 [car hissing] 116 00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,371 ♪ 117 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,751 Okay, but how do we get a confession? 118 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:38,087 Well, I have an idea, but it involves someone. 119 00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:40,715 - Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza-- - It's Tony Danza. 120 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:43,760 Eugene, can we go one day without you mentioning Tony Danza? 121 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,886 [production set chatter] 122 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:45,970 [Mabel] Hey, look. 123 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:50,391 [Oliver gasps, laughs weakly] 124 00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,185 [Charles] How could my character live here? 125 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,771 The albums, not alphabetized. 126 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,106 Oh! Nice. 127 00:05:57,106 --> 00:06:00,985 Nice. A first edition touching a second edition! 128 00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:03,321 Yeah, brilliant. That's really good. 129 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,323 Oh, really? 130 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,911 - [Oliver] Oh. - [Zach] Okay. 131 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,871 So, we bust in on the Westies with two celebrities 132 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,581 - and Eugene. - [Eva] Mm-hmm. 133 00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:14,665 Then, what? 134 00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,125 It's almost go-time on the movie, 135 00:06:16,125 --> 00:06:18,086 so I'm gonna pump my cheeks while we spitball. 136 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,129 - Can we get back to my idea for a minute? - [Zach exhales] 137 00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:21,214 Because it's so simple. 138 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,841 We invite the Westies to, yes, 139 00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:26,344 Tony Danza's 35th annual 140 00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:28,805 "It's Time To Wear White Pants Extrava-Danza." 141 00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:32,558 Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of Who's the Boss? 142 00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:34,936 - I don't care. It's okay. - [Oliver] Oh. 143 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,522 Then, we tell the Sauce Family that Tony wants 144 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:40,233 to start his own line of sauces called 145 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,609 "Who's the Sauce?" 146 00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:44,445 The Westies will then spill their story 147 00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:48,699 on account of Danza's, uh, neighborhood wise-guy charisma. 148 00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:51,369 - Danza's the perfect plan-za. - Mm. 149 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:52,745 I love it. I love it. 150 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:55,081 I would change it slightly and maybe not do it. 151 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:58,584 And instead, surprise them with a ding-dong. 152 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,255 - Wh-What...? - Uh, say more about the ding-dong. 153 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:06,134 In soapy TV, a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise. 154 00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,886 It's like a-a long-lost brother returns, 155 00:07:08,886 --> 00:07:11,264 or, uh, your paralyzed uncle 156 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,349 starts to walk again after 40 years. 157 00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:14,851 Y-You're overthinking it. 158 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,937 One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff, and the others are covering for 'em. 159 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,439 All we need to do is get them talking. 160 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,524 I say that we invite the Westies 161 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:24,110 to a celebrity-studded... 162 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,487 super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's. 163 00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:27,822 That's good. 164 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:30,199 Right. Our own turf. The key is to remain calm. 165 00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:33,161 Well, having precise control of our emotions 166 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,163 is what actors do best. 167 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,873 Yeah, the question is can you three do it? 168 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,916 First of all, I am an actor! 169 00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:40,042 Well, let's not go crazy. 170 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:43,838 But also, I'm entirely capable of catching the killer of my dear friend 171 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,883 who only wanted to open a trampoline park so young-- 172 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,473 I need to lie down. 173 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,184 [production set chatter continues] 174 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,228 Where the fuck is my bedroom?! 175 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:01,856 - [Oliver growls] - [♪ gentle plucky music playing] 176 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,983 [Mabel] I hope Charles can hold it together. 177 00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:07,445 Confronting a friend's killer just brings up a lotta shit. 178 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:10,031 [device buzzing] 179 00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:12,116 [Oliver growls] 180 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,869 Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores 181 00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:18,915 with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool. 182 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,500 This is the infrared setting. 183 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,293 Yeah, it's also a nail gun, 184 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:25,296 has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head. 185 00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:27,924 - [Oliver laughs] - [cell phone ringing] 186 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,926 - Hello? - [Loretta Durkin] [on phone] Hi! 187 00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,720 - Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée. - [Loretta giggles] 188 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,806 We're getting married this weekend! [laughs] 189 00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,683 [in Cary Grant impression] Hello, my darling love. 190 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:38,768 This weekend? 191 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,854 I know, he's a little old to have a shotgun wedding. 192 00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:44,941 Yeah. More like a musket wedding. [wheezing laugh] 193 00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:48,694 Where did he go? 194 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,363 [multitool buzzing stops] 195 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:53,032 Hey, look, it's also a recorder. 196 00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:54,116 [clicks button] 197 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,786 [sing-songy] ♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪ 198 00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:59,956 [recorder plays] [auto-tuned] ♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪ 199 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:02,833 It has auto-tune. [giggles] You wanna try it? 200 00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:05,920 Uh, don't-- Definitely don't wanna touch that. 201 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,214 [clicks button, buzzing resumes] 202 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:09,924 - Yeah. Okay. - [Loretta] Yeah. 203 00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:12,176 No, no, honey. I-I will-- I will handle it all. 204 00:09:12,176 --> 00:09:14,303 - [Loretta] I can't believe we're here. - I know. It's exciting. 205 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,763 Uh, no, I'll, I'll make the arrangements. 206 00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,431 Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye. 207 00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:19,850 - [production set chatter] - [Oliver sighs] 208 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:20,935 [Zach] Hey, that's my seat. 209 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,896 Oh! [laughs] Of course it is. 210 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:25,815 I, uh, I keep forgetting. 211 00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:28,693 - Okay. - We getting married this weekend? 212 00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:29,986 I am. 213 00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,488 Please don't tell me you're gonna do it at a courthouse. 214 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,449 Weddings demand spectacle. 215 00:09:35,449 --> 00:09:38,286 Music, speeches, AK-47s shot right up in the air. 216 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:40,413 Zach, I didn't realize you were a fellow romantic. 217 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:43,749 Weddings are the most important part of a marriage. 218 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,334 My wife and I get married quarterly. 219 00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:48,129 The venue sets the tone for your life together. 220 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,464 When we want playfulness, we get married at the beach. 221 00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:52,341 If we've been fighting, then... 222 00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:54,343 it's at the site of an important armistice. 223 00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,929 Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David. 224 00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,348 We needed a lot of those. 225 00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:02,935 - Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine. - Oh, she's right. It's perfect 226 00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,604 'cause you'll be right back there for the divorce. 227 00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:06,772 - Zach? - Yes. 228 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:09,191 - We're rehearsing scene 13. - Which one is that one? 229 00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:11,986 The one where Oliver explains why his previous marriage failed. 230 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,446 Oh. 231 00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:16,240 - [set bell rings] - [set chatter continues] 232 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,452 Are you okay, Charles? 233 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,913 I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry. 234 00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:26,500 And to be honest, it would layer my performance if I could, uh, 235 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,753 see what it looks like. 236 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,005 Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no, 237 00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:33,007 uh, you'll not see what it looks like 238 00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,676 because it's not socially acceptable. 239 00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:37,303 Eugene, you wanna practice flipping omelets? 240 00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,805 Oh, the infamous omelet bit. Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks. 241 00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,182 I'll, uh, practice. Anyway, 242 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:44,060 I'm curious. I mean, a-are-are you a yeller? 243 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,562 - Do you get violent? - Oh, no. Worse. 244 00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:48,814 But it hasn't happened in decades because of my 245 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,275 emotion suppression technique, 246 00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:55,071 which involves breathing and a lot of, 247 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:57,156 uh, room straightening. 248 00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,450 [omelet splats] 249 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:00,951 [Charles gasps] 250 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,877 [♪ gentle plucky music playing] 251 00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:11,420 There you go. 252 00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:13,130 [Eugene clears throat] 253 00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:15,132 This bother you? 254 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,636 - No. - This bother you? 255 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,598 - No. - [Eugene Levy] Does this bother you? 256 00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,141 Why are you doing that? 257 00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:25,601 - Does this... - [Charles yelps] 258 00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:32,483 ♪ 259 00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:36,362 [quiet street noise] 260 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,906 Okay, they'll be here any minute. 261 00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:41,367 Now, I know we're all running hot. We have a podcast, 262 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,953 two murders, a wedding, 263 00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:45,204 but we're gonna stay calm. 264 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,415 Well, we can stay calm way more than you can stay calm. 265 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:50,042 - It's not a competition. - It's now a competition. 266 00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,795 I've set my sphincter to clenching, 267 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,297 - unclenching, re-clenching. - [knocking on door] 268 00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:57,383 - It's them. It's them. - Okay. Okay. 269 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,679 Maybe I could throw together a wedding booze cruise. 270 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,347 That's the blueprint you want for your marriage? 271 00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:05,182 You're freezing, you end up nowhere, 272 00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,600 and the maid of honor fucks the skipper? 273 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,519 - [knocking on door] - [Oliver snorts] 274 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,771 - [Charles] Come on, come on, come on. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 275 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:14,692 [knocking] 276 00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:19,029 Oh, hell-o! 277 00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,406 [laughter] 278 00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,032 We brought snacks. 279 00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:24,452 [Inez] Can't play cards without jamón! 280 00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,162 [Alfonso] That's right, mami. 281 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:27,705 Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming. 282 00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,540 We figured we'd host since it's a big group. 283 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:32,376 Ah, please. Any friends of yours are friends of ours. 284 00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:34,712 Especially if they're Hollywood stars. 285 00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:37,465 - [laughter] - You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch, 286 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,508 but I'm winking playfully. 287 00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:40,593 [laughter] 288 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,219 - [door slams, lock clicks] - [Mabel and Eva gasp] 289 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,429 Let's go. 290 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:44,555 [knife slices] 291 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,515 We know you know about the checks. 292 00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,601 Give us your phones now! 293 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,437 [♪ dramatic music playing] 294 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:52,521 [Oliver grumbles] 295 00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,523 ♪ 296 00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:55,608 [Eva mutters] 297 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,736 ♪ 298 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,908 [♪ suspenseful music playing] 299 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,494 - So, what's your move now, Vince? - [Vince] You're gonna sit there, 300 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,537 you're gonna listen to our story. 301 00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:10,456 Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm. 302 00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,959 Although killers do always tell you their story before they kill you. 303 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:18,464 They're gonna try to humanize themselves with long origin stories. 304 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,841 Exactly. Like if we had gone through that, 305 00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:22,802 we would've killed and eaten Dudenoff, too. 306 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,262 - We didn't eat him. - Yeah, but you killed him, right? 307 00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,099 Okay. So, 308 00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,894 Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant. 309 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:35,397 Milton and his wife were regulars, until she passed. 310 00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,942 Then, he started ordering in. 311 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:41,445 And when we were understaffed, we delivered to him on our way home. 312 00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:43,614 Oh, hell! - [indistinct chatter] 313 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:45,908 [Ana] He looked so alone in his little studio. 314 00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:49,453 [Inez] He invited us in. We started playing cards. 315 00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:52,039 [Alfonso] Oh Hell on Friday nights. 316 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,874 It started to become a regular thing. 317 00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:56,085 - [Dudenoff] Please, please. - Okay. So, the, uh, 318 00:13:56,085 --> 00:14:00,130 the secret ingredient here is Jamón Ibérico. 319 00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:03,717 - Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do. - [Alfonso] Oh, thank you. 320 00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:05,594 Our dream, actually, is to, uh, 321 00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:08,639 start our own line of sauces. And I-I know this sounds crazy, 322 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:11,183 but Tony Danza would be an investor. 323 00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:12,268 [soft laughter] 324 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:13,519 [Eugene] So, you killed him 325 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:18,399 because he didn't deliver the last piece of the dream? 326 00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:20,317 Don't say Tony Danza. 327 00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:22,236 Sauce Dad said it first! 328 00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:23,904 - We didn't kill him! - Never. 329 00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,781 - Yeah. We definitely did not kill him. - We loved him. 330 00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:28,409 - Then, Crazy Rudy killed him. - Crazy? Me? 331 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,787 [♪ "Deck The Halls" playing from sweater] 332 00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:32,913 [Rudy sighs] 333 00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,874 I don't know why I keep replacing the battery. 334 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,376 Lovely. 335 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,588 I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago. 336 00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,214 I was trying to be an actor, 337 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:45,009 I was holding down five jobs, and I signed up for his class. 338 00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,510 I remember my first acting class. 339 00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:47,928 It was a film class. 340 00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:51,015 It was in a closet of a basement of a subway stop. 341 00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,975 Most of my scene partners were sex workers. 342 00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,311 [Rudy Thurber] Okay. [clears throat] 343 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:59,148 One day, we watched A Few Good Men in Professor Dudenoff's class. 344 00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,609 I ran up to him afterwards on the street, and I said, 345 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:05,112 I'd studied a monologue from that film for my previous class. 346 00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:07,740 He asked me to do it, and I did. 347 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,743 I did the whole thing, right there at the bus stop. 348 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:13,037 - It went something like this. - Oh... 349 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,788 "You want answers?" "I think I'm entitled." 350 00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:16,665 "You want answers?" "I want the truth!" 351 00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:18,834 -"You can't handle the truth! - [Oliver mouthing along] 352 00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:20,336 "Son, we live in a world that has walls, 353 00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:22,379 "and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. 354 00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:23,464 "Who's gonna do it? You? 355 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,132 "You, Lieutenant Weinberg? 356 00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:26,258 I have a greater respons--" 357 00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,218 I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do the whole monologue? 358 00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:31,221 Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing. I think it's worth it. 359 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:35,601 "I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! 360 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,227 "You weep for Santiago... Saves lives... 361 00:15:37,227 --> 00:15:41,106 "My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. 362 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,775 "You don't want the truth because, deep down, 363 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,818 "in places you don't talk about at parties, 364 00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,654 "you want me on that wall! 365 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,322 "You need me on that wall... 366 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:50,449 "Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. 367 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:54,203 Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!" 368 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,580 "Did you order the code red?" "I did the job." 369 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:59,333 "Did you order the code red?" "You're goddamn right I did!" 370 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,628 - Oh... Oh, that was wonderful. - [Rudy panting] 371 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:03,712 ♪ 372 00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:04,922 I blew his socks off. 373 00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:08,425 And he invited me back to his place at the Arconia. 374 00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:10,511 - That's my jam. - And this? What's this? 375 00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,596 Uh, that is a ham radio. 376 00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:14,139 What do you do with a ham radio? 377 00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:17,101 No, it's just-- it's just a hobby, you know? A-And a very... 378 00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,603 [Rudy] Of course, I got my own ham radio. 379 00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,271 And ultimately, we all did. 380 00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,440 And Professor Dudenoff looked at me. 381 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:24,817 He said... 382 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,944 You know, you're really very good, Rudy. 383 00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,904 Thank you. That... 384 00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:29,989 That means a lot to me. 385 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,075 [sighing] 386 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,660 Let me ask you somethin'. 387 00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:38,330 If your life were a movie, 388 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,917 what would be your happy ending? 389 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:44,461 And that's when he touched your Santa sack, 390 00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:45,629 and you had your "happy ending." 391 00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:47,423 - [Mabel] Eva! - [Eva] What? 392 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:49,550 [Rudy] No! I said I wanted to stay in the city, 393 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,885 keep performing, keep trying, 394 00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:55,431 and live with fewer roommates who use towels as toilet paper. 395 00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,933 That was my dream. 396 00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:01,020 So, Charles, that leaves 397 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,771 your "friend" Vince. 398 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:05,941 He exposed you to pink eye, and what did you get? 399 00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,443 Lies! 400 00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:08,902 And, likely, pink eye. 401 00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:12,031 Come on, doesn't that make you... angry? 402 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,491 [Charles quietly wheezes] 403 00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:16,243 Oh, I'm fine. 404 00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,411 I'm suppressing, 405 00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,580 and I'm suppressing, and suppressing, 406 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,665 and I'm... good. 407 00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:25,502 Alright. Since none of you seem 408 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:27,963 to be on the verge of a psychotic break. 409 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,841 Before my wife died, she made me promise 410 00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:33,719 that I wouldn't turn into one of those weird lonely old men. 411 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,596 Now, we both loved movies, 412 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,849 so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer for his film class, 413 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:42,978 I thought that this way was her way of telling me to go out and make friends. 414 00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:45,564 But, oh, those kids... 415 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:49,359 [♪ "Auld Lang Syne" playing] 416 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:53,405 ♪ Lang... Syne! ♪ 417 00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:56,617 - [♪ song ends] - [Dudenoff] You know, the reason 418 00:17:56,617 --> 00:18:02,623 It's A Wonderful Life is timeless comes down to one thing. 419 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,502 Casting. You know, 420 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:09,588 if you can populate your story 421 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:11,799 with the right people, 422 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,718 your work will live forever. 423 00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:17,429 [sighs] Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless. 424 00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,223 It's pro-capitalist gaslighting! 425 00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,891 George Bailey's life still sucks, 426 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:23,477 - and Potter just gets away with it. - [Vince] [emotional] No! 427 00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,021 No, you missed the point! [sniffles] 428 00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,607 George ends up with his family. Potter's all alone. 429 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,776 - I like being alone. - [scattered laughter] 430 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,862 Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience. 431 00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:35,823 [sniffles] But being really alone? 432 00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:39,952 There's nothing worse. You don't smile, you don't laugh, 433 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,996 you stop caring about what food tastes like 'cause... 434 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,081 [sniffles] 435 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,709 you still wake up alone again without her. 436 00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:48,794 Every class... 437 00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,088 But Dudenoff, him I liked. 438 00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:53,590 "...hates poor people. This movie hates trees." 439 00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:55,259 Why do they have to be so mad all the time? 440 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:57,928 - This world's a dumpster fire. - [Vince] It sure is. 441 00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:00,472 In this city, you know, kid, 442 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:04,685 you can't even afford an apartment unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it. 443 00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:08,105 - And why can't a movie just be a movie? - [Dudenoff sighs] 444 00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:10,065 [♪ soft music playing] 445 00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:12,234 Jack Lemmon in The Apartment. I-I-I didn't know that... 446 00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:14,736 [Vince] And he invited me to join his weekly card game. 447 00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:16,196 [Dudenoff] I-I feel empathetic. 448 00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:18,782 [Vince] I had no idea why he knew we'd click... 449 00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:20,117 [muffled chatter] 450 00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:22,578 - ...but we did. - [Rudy chuckles] 451 00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,747 His wife had been a music teacher. Back when the city was cheap, 452 00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:28,208 whenever a unit would open up on their floor, 453 00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,461 they would grab it. You know, she'd use it for music classes or, 454 00:19:31,461 --> 00:19:35,007 you know, uh, let a kid stay there if he was going through tough times. 455 00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:36,758 But with her gone, 456 00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:41,013 Professor Dudenoff was living amid, um, an empty hallway. 457 00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:44,057 He just couldn't bear to give up those apartments. 458 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:48,353 And one night, after many hours of Oh Hell, 459 00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:54,234 he decided that he wasn't going to turn into 460 00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:57,321 one of those weird lonely old men. 461 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,866 He broke the law for us, 462 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,369 so that we could have a chance at our dreams. 463 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:06,163 But he had a dream, too. 464 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,623 To live in Portugal. 465 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,167 And he left. And, no, 466 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:14,213 - we haven't heard from him since. - [Alfonso] And, yes, 467 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,673 we've been keeping up the ruse and... 468 00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:19,218 cashing his checks. 469 00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:21,887 So that's the whole thing? 470 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:25,015 Yeah, we could do it again if you like. I could do a comedy version if you want-- 471 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:26,433 [overlapping "Nos"] 472 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,185 - Thank you. - [Oliver] Oh God, no. 473 00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,479 - Okay, I think we're done here. - [doorbell rings] 474 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,481 Not yet. 475 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,692 It's ding-dong time. 476 00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:38,111 [gasps] You pulled a ding-dong? 477 00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:39,446 - It was a good idea. - [door opens] 478 00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:40,530 [♪ tense sting] 479 00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,742 - [door shuts] - [♪ suspenseful music playing] 480 00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,120 - [Westies gasp] - Helga?! 481 00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:49,706 What are you doing here? 482 00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:52,709 Mabel reached out on the ham radio. 483 00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:54,920 I'm here to tell the truth. 484 00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:58,173 We can't handle the truth. 485 00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:03,887 [♪ curious music playing] 486 00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,847 [Charles] You're Helga? 487 00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:07,891 I imagined you toothless with a club. 488 00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:10,227 [scoffs] Disregard him, Helga. 489 00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:13,230 His brain is covered with plaque. Please go on. 490 00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:17,859 I-I first met Dudenoff when I'd just become a locksmith, 491 00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:19,653 which was my childhood dream. 492 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:20,737 Wait? Really? 493 00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:24,116 No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot. 494 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:27,995 So, my father died and left me the business. 495 00:21:28,745 --> 00:21:32,249 He was all I had until I met Dudenoff. 496 00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:35,836 [♪ muffled "Perfect Strangers" theme song playing] 497 00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:38,839 [♪ Dudenoff humming along] 498 00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:41,133 [sings] ♪ Standing tall ♪ 499 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,051 You know, it's before your time, 500 00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:44,636 but that's the theme song to-- 501 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:47,180 It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know. 502 00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:48,640 Yes. 503 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,268 - Yeah. - You know, I've never met anyone 504 00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:52,978 - who loses their keys this often. - [lock clicks] 505 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,482 Some people your age put it on a retractable belt... 506 00:21:57,482 --> 00:22:00,527 It's not dementia. I always lose my keys. I-- 507 00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:04,614 My wife used to let me in, but... 508 00:22:04,614 --> 00:22:07,701 [♪ theme song continues] 509 00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:11,538 - Okay! - [lock buzzes] 510 00:22:11,538 --> 00:22:13,290 - Ah, look at that. - [Helga] So, uh, 511 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:16,001 what is a code that someone your age can remember? 512 00:22:17,919 --> 00:22:20,630 [sighs] How about, um, 513 00:22:20,630 --> 00:22:21,798 "Oh Hell"? 514 00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:24,051 Wait, like the card game? 515 00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,802 - You know it? - [Helga] My father and I 516 00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:27,554 used to play all the time. 517 00:22:27,554 --> 00:22:29,556 I haven't since he died. 518 00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:31,850 [sighs] I'm sorry, 519 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,186 you just look so much like him. 520 00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:35,896 Except, uh, he was tall. 521 00:22:35,896 --> 00:22:38,023 And blonde. And hot. 522 00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:39,107 [Dudenoff chuckles] 523 00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:43,278 Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers. 524 00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:45,572 Huh... 525 00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,368 You know, uh, 526 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,661 we have this little card game Friday nights. 527 00:22:51,661 --> 00:22:53,663 [Helga] And that is how I met the gang. 528 00:22:53,663 --> 00:22:56,208 - Why not? - [Alfonso] Mm! Mm! 529 00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,835 [Helga] Yeah, I was there, too. 530 00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:01,129 I'm sure they didn't mention that. 531 00:23:01,129 --> 00:23:03,298 - Wow. - [Alfonso] Yeah! 532 00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,634 [Helga] At first, they were the nicest group of people 533 00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,761 I had met in New York City, 534 00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:10,764 a place I'd always wanted to call home. 535 00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,350 [Inez] Helga, so where do you live, honey? 536 00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,060 Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel. 537 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:17,270 It's only 85 train stops away. 538 00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:18,814 You'd love it. 539 00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:21,733 Then, he gave us these nice cheap apartments, 540 00:23:21,733 --> 00:23:24,152 and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers 541 00:23:24,152 --> 00:23:26,655 into a family. 542 00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:28,740 But a few years later... 543 00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:30,742 [♪ somber music playing] 544 00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,244 ...he was gone. 545 00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:34,246 [keys jingle] 546 00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:38,208 Said he felt bad doing it in a note, 547 00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:40,836 but he'd had enough of goodbyes. 548 00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,129 He was off to Portugal. 549 00:23:42,879 --> 00:23:46,925 After helping us with our dreams, he wanted to live his. 550 00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:49,636 - [power snaps, whirs down] - [♪ music stops suddenly] 551 00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:51,721 - [lights click, power whirs back] - [♪ music restarts] 552 00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:55,642 I knew the power only surged when the old incinerator was used, 553 00:23:55,642 --> 00:23:58,645 but I didn't suspect anything. Yet... 554 00:23:58,645 --> 00:23:59,855 [podcast playing on phone] 555 00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:03,483 Suddenly, we all went from talking every day to nothing. 556 00:24:03,483 --> 00:24:05,235 Total silence. 557 00:24:05,235 --> 00:24:07,654 And then, your podcast started. 558 00:24:07,654 --> 00:24:09,406 [Mabel] [on podcast] One thing was for sure. 559 00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:12,075 Someone in the Arconia was hiding something. 560 00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:14,828 [Oliver] [on podcast] A homicidal freak who poisoned a perfect, 561 00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,329 if gassy, dog. 562 00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:20,167 [Helga] Everyone was acting so secretive. 563 00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:21,251 Helga! 564 00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:23,003 [Helga] I listened to the podcast. 565 00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,880 All those unexplained things 566 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,257 someone in the building was doing to scare you. 567 00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:31,595 What if it was them trying to cover up what they had done? 568 00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:33,263 Let's play cards. 569 00:24:33,263 --> 00:24:35,682 [Helga] And I started to wonder. 570 00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:37,767 [group murmuring] 571 00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:38,935 Please. 572 00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:41,730 [Helga] Why did the power surge that night? 573 00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:45,775 I couldn't prove they had anything to do with Dudenoff's disappearance, 574 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,154 but I knew in my bones 575 00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:50,822 I had to move out. 576 00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:52,032 They killed him! 577 00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:53,492 - [Inez gasps] - We didn't! 578 00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:56,411 - No, no! He went to Portugal. - Dead men don't send ham! 579 00:24:56,411 --> 00:24:58,413 Then, what's this? 580 00:24:58,413 --> 00:24:59,956 I can't see. 581 00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:01,958 I actually don't know. What is that? 582 00:25:01,958 --> 00:25:04,294 - Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder. - [all gasp] 583 00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:07,506 It was in the incinerator. You killed and burned him that night. 584 00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,966 And when Sazz figured it out, you killed and burned her, too. 585 00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:12,802 And when we tried to look into that, you tried to kill me! 586 00:25:12,802 --> 00:25:15,722 Yeah, another way to put that is you actually shot me. 587 00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:18,308 What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? 588 00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:19,851 These people are murderers! 589 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:24,314 I'm tired of being the nice guy here with no temper! 590 00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,816 I'm a Canadian man connected 591 00:25:26,816 --> 00:25:29,194 to his rage right now! 592 00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:32,447 And [laughs] God, it feels so good! 593 00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:35,951 Charles, tantrum with me. 594 00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:37,661 No, no, no. 595 00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:40,664 They incinerated your friend, Charles. 596 00:25:40,664 --> 00:25:44,000 - And then plied you with word games... - No. [laughs] No. No. 597 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,545 ...from the New York Times! 598 00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:51,383 [gasping, quiet wheezing] 599 00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:54,094 [♪ curious music playing] 600 00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:55,845 - So far, I'm underwhelmed. - [coasters clatter] 601 00:25:56,763 --> 00:25:58,473 [gasping breaths] 602 00:25:58,473 --> 00:25:59,933 [Oliver] Uh-huh... 603 00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:02,310 - [barely audible wheezing] - Yes. Interesting. 604 00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:04,312 Is this how I find out he's a mime? 605 00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:06,815 No, no, no. We can't hear him, but I'm so tuned into his character, 606 00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:09,693 I can feel his words. He's saying... 607 00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:11,987 [barely audible wheezing] 608 00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:13,863 ..."These people killed Sazz! 609 00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:17,576 "I am steamed... and put out! 610 00:26:18,118 --> 00:26:20,453 - To some degree." - [Vince] Oh, the hell with this! 611 00:26:20,453 --> 00:26:22,330 - Gimme that! Helga! - [indistinct yelling] 612 00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:26,626 You're not the only one who got a note the night that Dudenoff died. 613 00:26:26,626 --> 00:26:27,711 Now, everybody, 614 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,714 come with me! 615 00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,928 [♪ mysterious music playing] 616 00:26:41,516 --> 00:26:43,518 We all got notes that night. 617 00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:46,479 Only ours were different. 618 00:26:49,065 --> 00:26:51,943 [Rudy] "You are cordially invited to my funeral. 619 00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:54,237 Midnight, in the basement. Don't tell Helga." 620 00:26:55,530 --> 00:26:57,741 - [Alfonso] What the fuck? - Funeral? 621 00:26:57,741 --> 00:26:59,492 I don't like it. 622 00:26:59,492 --> 00:27:01,661 Come on. Let's go. 623 00:27:01,661 --> 00:27:04,539 - [Ana sighs] - [Alfonso] Come on, come on. 624 00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:07,626 [♪ music building] 625 00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:13,632 [service elevator rattling] 626 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:16,217 [overlapping chatter] 627 00:27:16,217 --> 00:27:18,678 Hey! Milton, what's going on? 628 00:27:18,678 --> 00:27:21,931 - Hey-- Okay-- - [overlapping chatter continues] 629 00:27:21,931 --> 00:27:24,392 Hey, can I just talk?! Can I? 630 00:27:24,392 --> 00:27:25,644 - Yeah. - Of course. 631 00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:27,103 [Dudenoff] Uh, so, 632 00:27:27,103 --> 00:27:30,565 you know I'm always saying a movie is only as good as its cast? 633 00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:34,736 Now, I'm just a teacher. I never got to make... 634 00:27:35,362 --> 00:27:36,613 my own movie. 635 00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:38,740 But I'll tell you this. 636 00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:41,660 If our lives were a movie... 637 00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:43,370 [laughs] 638 00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:45,580 I cast the shit outta this one. 639 00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:47,040 [soft laughter] 640 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,628 Professor, what exactly are we doing here? 641 00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:54,297 Well, uh... 642 00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:57,467 I-I have some medical news. 643 00:27:57,467 --> 00:27:59,552 [weak laugh] Um... 644 00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:02,263 I'm an old guy, so, you know, 645 00:28:02,263 --> 00:28:05,350 it's not like Terms of Endearment sad or anything, 646 00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:08,144 but, you know, I-- Uh... 647 00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:10,021 they tell me I've, uh, only got a few months. 648 00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:11,648 - [shocked chatter] - And so-- 649 00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:15,402 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, you know, when I'm gone... 650 00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:17,362 [♪ somber music playing] 651 00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:20,657 ...uh, this building, they're gonna swoop in and, 652 00:28:20,657 --> 00:28:24,369 you know, tear our cast apart. But, 653 00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:26,663 I have a workaround. 654 00:28:26,663 --> 00:28:28,248 And, uh... 655 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:34,504 and it's that you will all keep me alive. 656 00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:37,841 W-Well, I mean, actually no 657 00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:41,428 'cause I've just taken a hell of a lot of pills. 658 00:28:41,428 --> 00:28:42,721 [shocked chatter] 659 00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:45,014 I want you, tonight, 660 00:28:45,014 --> 00:28:47,517 to put my body in the incinerator! 661 00:28:47,517 --> 00:28:49,477 - [all yelling] - [Dudenoff] Yes! Yes! 662 00:28:49,477 --> 00:28:53,189 And then, I want you to cash my social security checks, 663 00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:56,276 and I want you to tell everybody I just moved to Portugal. 664 00:28:57,736 --> 00:28:58,737 [sighs] 665 00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,156 And you... 666 00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:03,158 you can't tell Helga. 667 00:29:03,992 --> 00:29:07,120 I'm just gonna record a message, you know, in case, uh, 668 00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:11,040 you know, she finds out, and then, she won't blame you. 669 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:12,375 - We can call an ambulance. - Yeah-- 670 00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:14,961 No, come on, let me do this. Just let-- Just let me do this. 671 00:29:16,713 --> 00:29:19,132 Please. And then, you know, afterwards, 672 00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:21,092 then let's just all hug and shit, okay? 673 00:29:21,676 --> 00:29:23,303 Hey, so, Vince, come on. 674 00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:24,387 [snaps fingers] 675 00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:27,182 Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing. 676 00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:30,059 Come on. One take. 677 00:29:30,059 --> 00:29:33,563 [♪ somber music continues] 678 00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:35,565 - [clicks knob, film whirs] - [Alfonso] It's okay. 679 00:29:35,565 --> 00:29:36,983 It's okay. It's okay. 680 00:29:36,983 --> 00:29:38,526 [camera whirring] 681 00:29:42,655 --> 00:29:46,075 ♪ 682 00:29:46,284 --> 00:29:49,287 [projector whirring] 683 00:29:50,747 --> 00:29:53,541 [Dudenoff] [on film] Hey, Helga. I know you're angry. 684 00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:57,045 But, you know, you had such a, uh, 685 00:29:57,045 --> 00:30:00,423 hard time bouncing back after your dad that I-I had this... 686 00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:04,260 stupid thought that maybe I could... 687 00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:06,846 shield you from another death. 688 00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:08,681 But, if you're watching this, 689 00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:11,267 then, you know, my master plan has gone to hell. 690 00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:14,020 And, hopefully, I haven't. 691 00:30:14,687 --> 00:30:17,106 What can a guy do but try, right? 692 00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:19,192 Here's looking at you, kid. 693 00:30:21,069 --> 00:30:22,070 [film crackles] 694 00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:24,072 [projector clicking] 695 00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:28,284 - We're so sorry, baby. - [Helga sniffling] 696 00:30:28,284 --> 00:30:31,663 Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted, 697 00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:32,872 to keep us all together. 698 00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:35,124 [Vince] Move on back in with us. 699 00:30:35,124 --> 00:30:37,001 - Please. - Please. 700 00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:40,463 It is the only place in New York where I can have a pig. 701 00:30:40,463 --> 00:30:42,465 - [laughter] - [Mabel] Wait. 702 00:30:42,465 --> 00:30:45,718 Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend? 703 00:30:45,718 --> 00:30:47,011 That was another lie? 704 00:30:47,011 --> 00:30:49,472 Yeah, in addition to setting a human on fire, 705 00:30:49,472 --> 00:30:51,558 we also lied about me having a girlfriend. 706 00:30:51,558 --> 00:30:53,142 May God have mercy. 707 00:30:53,142 --> 00:30:55,770 - [♪ gentle music playing] - [Helga sniffles] 708 00:30:56,813 --> 00:30:57,814 [Mabel sighs] 709 00:31:00,608 --> 00:31:01,609 [Eva] Hmm. 710 00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:06,322 So, these are not murderers. 711 00:31:06,948 --> 00:31:08,157 [Eva] No, but... 712 00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:10,201 we've got one hell of a podcast. 713 00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:12,829 - [multitool clicks] - [Alfonso] [auto-tuned] And, yes, 714 00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,999 we've been keeping up the ruse and cashing his checks. 715 00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:17,208 Oh God. We're going to jail. 716 00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:19,794 - Well... - [clicks button] 717 00:31:19,794 --> 00:31:21,838 No, you're not. 718 00:31:21,838 --> 00:31:26,175 Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos living in the Arconia. 719 00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:30,805 The podcast brought us together. I don't wanna use it to tear them apart. 720 00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:34,142 - [Westies murmuring] - [quietly] Bless you. 721 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,772 So, humanity's more important to you than the podcast? 722 00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:41,149 - What a revelation. - [Eva] Hmm. 723 00:31:43,401 --> 00:31:47,155 Okay, what if it's not three losers, but, like, a family of losers 724 00:31:47,155 --> 00:31:50,617 who wants to make the world a better place before two of them die? 725 00:31:51,117 --> 00:31:52,577 That's one way to look at it. 726 00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:53,661 Yeah. Well, I have more. 727 00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:55,079 - You wanna hear more? - [Mabel] No thanks. 728 00:31:55,079 --> 00:31:57,332 Speaking of family, I should tell you 729 00:31:58,249 --> 00:32:00,293 that I had my assistant's assistant 730 00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:02,879 book you a wedding atop... 731 00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:05,882 the Empire State Building, encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons. 732 00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:07,842 - No, no. I-- - Don't worry. I-'m gonna... 733 00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:09,385 I'll pay for it. 734 00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:12,680 I wish I could tell you this gives me joy, but it doesn't. 735 00:32:13,681 --> 00:32:15,683 You are not the romantic I thought you were, 736 00:32:15,683 --> 00:32:18,269 and I don't know how I'm gonna play you 737 00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:20,355 or respect you. 738 00:32:20,355 --> 00:32:23,066 So, [sighs] here we are. 739 00:32:23,066 --> 00:32:25,652 Well, thank you, Zachary, for those... 740 00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:27,779 lovely words. But, 741 00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:31,491 Loretta and I shall marry here, in the Arconia. 742 00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:33,785 This is where we fell in love, 743 00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:36,704 and I want a marriage 744 00:32:36,704 --> 00:32:39,332 where we fall in love every day 745 00:32:39,332 --> 00:32:42,126 for the rest of our very long lives. 746 00:32:43,461 --> 00:32:44,921 You... 747 00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:47,048 adorable baloney loaf. 748 00:32:47,048 --> 00:32:48,800 - [weak laugh] - You... 749 00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:51,386 beautiful bitchy... 750 00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:54,013 baloney loaf. 751 00:32:54,013 --> 00:32:55,723 Do you know what a baloney loaf is? 752 00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:56,808 Uh-- 753 00:32:58,017 --> 00:33:00,019 [♪ gentle music playing] 754 00:33:00,603 --> 00:33:02,522 You are a romantic. 755 00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:04,273 - [smacks] - [Oliver snorts] 756 00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:07,610 You got me in touch with my emotions. Thank you. 757 00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:10,780 Well, it was an honor playing a small part 758 00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:13,241 in bringing out your true self. 759 00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:15,868 And Charles, I won't alienate your audience 760 00:33:15,868 --> 00:33:18,746 - by putting any of it on film. - [elevator dings] 761 00:33:23,042 --> 00:33:24,544 - Bye. - Bye. 762 00:33:25,211 --> 00:33:26,212 Bye. 763 00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:29,841 - [Oliver sighs] - You good? 764 00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:31,634 [Mabel] Yeah, I'm good. 765 00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:38,933 [Dudenoff] Whether or not everyone makes it back to shore in the movie Lifeboat... 766 00:33:38,933 --> 00:33:42,854 ♪ 767 00:33:45,106 --> 00:33:47,108 ...I'll leave for you to discover. 768 00:33:48,609 --> 00:33:52,697 But what the film is really about is found families, 769 00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:55,283 fighting together for their survival 770 00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:58,703 in waters that can be really tough to get through 771 00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:00,204 if you're all alone. 772 00:34:00,204 --> 00:34:03,291 [♪ gentle music continues] 773 00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,552 [Mabel] In the end, there was no murder in the West Tower. 774 00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:16,721 Just a guy who moved to Portugal 775 00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:19,390 - and made a family out of strangers. - [recorder beeps] 776 00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:21,059 Well, found family, 777 00:34:21,059 --> 00:34:25,521 we buried a great podcast story and are back to square one. 778 00:34:25,938 --> 00:34:26,939 [drops cards] 779 00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:31,903 [sighs] Why can't we ever get a ding-dong when we run out of leads? 780 00:34:31,903 --> 00:34:33,362 [knocking on door] 781 00:34:33,362 --> 00:34:35,448 Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong! 782 00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:37,033 [Oliver sighs] 783 00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,204 - Think he's got any Gut Milk in there? - [door opens] 784 00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:43,790 I already checked the fridge. He just has beer. 785 00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:45,917 - [Hammy oinking] - Look who's here. 786 00:34:46,584 --> 00:34:49,003 Oh, hey, Helga. I see you got your pig back. 787 00:34:49,003 --> 00:34:52,882 Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man who reluctantly returned her to me. 788 00:34:52,882 --> 00:34:54,133 I think his name is Howard? 789 00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:55,676 [Hammy grunts] 790 00:34:55,676 --> 00:34:57,678 I didn't want to bring it up among the reunions, 791 00:34:57,678 --> 00:35:01,307 but I wanted to tell you something about your friend, Sazz. 792 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,227 Wait. You actually knew her? 793 00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:06,395 Yes. She was on the ham radio, 794 00:35:06,395 --> 00:35:09,357 asking about all these huge plot holes you had in your podcast. 795 00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:11,317 - Not holes. - Oh! 796 00:35:11,317 --> 00:35:14,821 You're how Sazz knew about all the West Tower stuff in her notes. 797 00:35:14,821 --> 00:35:16,572 There was another thing though. 798 00:35:16,572 --> 00:35:20,868 She talked about a stuntman on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma. 799 00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:23,287 She said he was her protégé, 800 00:35:23,287 --> 00:35:26,457 but that he had messed up pretty badly and he was harassing her. 801 00:35:26,457 --> 00:35:30,545 She said, "He's dangerous, and he's gonna be the death of me." 802 00:35:31,712 --> 00:35:34,423 - What's Project Ronkonkoma? - Check IMDb. 803 00:35:34,423 --> 00:35:36,509 - That's a website. - I know what IMDb is. 804 00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:38,344 My agent says he's gonna get me on it. 805 00:35:38,344 --> 00:35:40,930 Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma. 806 00:35:40,930 --> 00:35:42,431 Who's the stuntperson? 807 00:35:42,431 --> 00:35:44,642 Is it someone we can talk to? 808 00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:47,436 - Not exactly. - [Hammy oinks] 809 00:35:47,812 --> 00:35:50,940 [medical devices beeping, hissing] 810 00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:53,276 [♪ music building] 811 00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:58,573 [♪ dramatic music playing] 812 00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:23,556 ♪ 813 00:36:47,538 --> 00:36:48,623 [♪ music ends] 814 00:36:48,623 --> 00:36:51,626 [♪ fanfare playing]