.
- Hello, and welcome to "Russell Reports"
from Russell Elementary.
I'm Hannah, and I'm here with the CEO
of Payne Motors, Katherine Hastings,
and some of her workers. - "Workers."
- Katherine, what are you doing here today?
- Well, Hannah, it's the 68th annual
Payne Motors Dream It, Design It Fair.
It's a chance for young people to get out of the back seat
and into the design seat,
and we love it because at Payne,
young people inspire us every day.
- Cool. Do you have kids?
- No, mm-mm.
Well, I have a stepdaughter. A daughter. Daughter.
She's a step-- she's a stepdaughter.
I mean, let's just go with daughter.
We'll go with daughter. - And do you have kids?
- No, not yet.
Maybe one day, though. [chuckles]
- Do you have kids?
- No.
- But one day if you meet the right person?
- Also no. - What about you?
- No, I wanted them, though.
We tried.
There was a whole IVF situation,
and this thing with a Belgian fertility doctor,
with whom we're still in litigation, by the way.
But then the marriage dissolved anyway, so--
- Okay, Ted. - [laughs]
All's well that ends well, I guess.
- Mm. - Cool.
Well, I'll be here all day with more "Russell Reports,"
so stay tuned.
- * Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom *
* Buh buh bom-bom-bom buh bom-bom-bom-bom *
[chorus vocalizing]
- The kids spent a lot of time on these,
so try not to say anything negative.
You know, just don't make insulting jokes.
- And if I need to spank them, can I use a pipe,
or does it have to be my belt?
I'm not Mr. Burns.
I know how to be around children.
- I just know how much you hate this, like, cheery, feel-good,
"Hey, we're a part of the community" fluff.
- Fluff sounds pretty good, actually.
I could use a break from the real world.
I mean, after what we have been through--
the pawls, the fire, Andy [bleep] Richter...
- Yeah. - I mean, compared to that,
today is gonna be like rubbing one out on a rainbow.
- And that kind of verbal jauntiness--
- For your ears only. - Yeah, right.
- God, that one looks stupid. - It does.
- It all looks so much smaller than when I was a student here.
We used to dare each other to jump off of those bleachers,
and I was always too scared.
- That's not that high.
I could jump that easy.
- Well, I could do it now, Wesley.
- Then why don't you go ahead and do it then?
- Because I'm an adult at a business function.
- Ah, I thought so. I thought so.
- So, Jack, it must be good, though,
you know, coming back to your old school
as a big-shot executive.
- Yeah, you know what? I gotta admit that it does.
Is that how you feel when you visit your old school?
- Well, I went to a 500-year-old
all-boys boarding school in England.
So by this stage of my life, I'm expected
to probably have been voted into parliament,
and then forced to resign in disgrace,
and then, you know, live out the rest of my days
in the south of Spain bothering local women.
- That would be considered good?
- Ah, well, it's an ancient tradition,
so do try to respect that.
[laughs]
- I love Spain.
- And that's me, Mom and Dad, and Grandma and Grandpa,
and my other grandma and Steve.
- It's like a building that's a car.
I just love it. Thank you. - Thanks.
- What's gonna happen when it has to go under a bridge?
- Tough way for Grandma to go out.
- And Steve.
- So the exhaust comes out the tailpipe,
through the tube, and back into the gas tank.
- It turns old gas into new gas.
- This would single-handedly solve climate change.
- Yeah, this is the future right here.
Great job.
- So that's basically a bomb, right?
- Bomb on wheels.
Luckily, everyone inside will die
of carbon monoxide poisoning before the explosion.
- Balanbaalis means "butterfly" in Somali,
and I made it red, white, and green
because those are the colors of the Somaliland flag.
- Is that right?
I think the flag of Mexico
is also red, white, and green, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah, and also, um...
- Sbarro's. - Sbarro's.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- I was born there.
- In Sbarro's? [laughs]
No, just kidding. I'm just kidding.
No, but Somaliland is a beautiful country, though,
and I just love it there.
- A lot of parts of it have warlords,
and my parents say girls my age can be
forced to become child brides.
- Hmm.
- Italy. - Yes.
- Italy also has a red, white, and green flag.
- Italy! [both laugh]
- Prego.
- Hector?
- Yeah? - My, you've grown.
- How do you know my son?
- Oh, no, it's nothing bad.
Don't worry, we've never met.
No, I just got sent an email with a video of him once,
which sounds much--
sounds much worse than it really is.
I was gonna do the Michigan Mentors program,
you know, actually, until they sent me
the video of Hector, and I sort of reassessed then,
which is, uh, nothing to do with him--
me--just, you know, time constraints.
So--but speaking of time constraints, I think--
I think they want me in the corner
over there where all the action is.
But it was lovely to meet you both.
Stay in school.
- So it's an invisible car.
- Looks like Wonder Woman has a car to go with her plane.
- [chuckles] Yeah. [phone buzzes]
- So that kid just didn't do the assignment, right?
- 100%.
Hey, Mike, what's up?
Wait, what?
- Well, I guess you just have to remember
where you parked it.
[laughs] But really well done.
- Hey, guys, can I talk to you for a minute in private?
How much do you know about Somaliland?
- I would say I know nothing about Somaliland.
- Sounds like the world's least fun theme park.
- It's where that girl with the butterfly car was from.
- Mm-hmm. - It's a region of Somalia.
They declared independence in 1991,
but Somalia and the international community
don't consider them a sovereign nation.
You see where I'm going with this?
- I truly don't. - No, no idea.
- You were filmed on Instagram calling Somaliland a country,
and Somali Twitter picked it up.
- There's Somali Twitter? - There's everything Twitter.
And they're always angry.
- Ted, I don't mean to be an ugly American,
but who cares if I'm unpopular on Somali social media?
- Because we get the yttrium
we use in cars from Somali mines,
and now they're threatening to cut us off.
- They're that sensitive?
- Yes, we go out of our way to never talk
about the Somalia-Somaliland issue.
And if we ever do, we have to use
other countries as stand-ins.
- Try to have a day of fun,
you end up in a Somali yttrium mine.
- Yep, I guess the break from the real world is over.
- Yeah, it was a lovely ten minutes, though.
.
- Oh, my gosh, even the steering wheel
is a little peppermint.
I bet "MotorTrend" would pick this
as the most delicious car of the year.
- It's so well done.
- Great job, great job.
Let's see. Who is next?
Oh, look at that.
We are back at the butterfly car.
Oh, gosh, I just love those colors from the flag.
What country did you say that you were from again?
- Somaliland. - Oh, I see.
Actually, well, so that's where you're wrong, right?
Because Somaliland is not a country.
It is a region within the sovereign nation
of Somalia, right, Sadie?
- Yes, I believe Somaliland is not recognized
by the UN or the African Union.
- Can't argue with that. [both laugh]
So at any rate, Somalia is a fantastic country.
They are top, top dog really in the region.
I mean, and we are so proud to be doing business with them.
- My brother's still in jail in Somalia.
He was recruited by a militia when he was very young.
- That's all for today's "Russell Reports."
Bye, everybody.
- Did you make that?
- Uh-huh.
- He did a good job, right?
- Yeah, it's...interesting.
- Interesting.
- That's nice.
- That's so nice, wasn't it, Tyler?
My future car designer. [chuckles]
- Hey, so how much of a problem would it be
if one of these designs was similar to something
that we've been working on?
I mean, we couldn't be sued, right?
- Well, I mean, anybody could sue for anything.
Dr. Dre sued some gynecologist
just 'cause he also happened to be called Dr. Dre.
- Who won? - Dr. Dre.
How similar are these designs?
- Well, this is the kid's car.
- Mm-hmm.
- And this is what we're developing.
- [gasps] Cyrus!
Did you steal a design from a child?
- It's a coincidence.
We've had this in the works for five years.
- Five years?
Now, is that older or younger
than the child you stole this from?
[laughs] Come on.
I'm only messing around. It's fine.
We'll just sling him a few bucks, all right,
make the whole problem go away.
- You want to buy a design that I've already designed?
- Yes, I'd rather throw him a few bucks now
and avoid an embarrassing lawsuit later.
- Let him sue.
We can prove that we came up with this independently.
- Oh, yes. No, I'd love to do that.
You know, take the stand and tell the whole world
that we're not plagiarists.
No, it's just that our best and brightest spent,
you know, five years and $100 million
and ultimately came up with exactly the same thing
as an eight-year-old who was just
tossing off a homework assignment.
- But it's not right.
- Okay, well, you know, next time,
maybe design a car that isn't so easily replicable
by Dennis the Menace.
Oh, and if you did steal it, don't tell me again.
It's best I don't know.
- It's my design.
- Ooh, yes, that was very good.
Yeah, say it like that.
Yeah, very convincing.
- Those aren't that tall.
What is that, like, 10 feet?
That's cake, dude. - Again, we're grown-ups.
- I jumped off a snowman at the Holiday Light-tacular
last year, and that was 20 feet.
It was onto snow, but it was packed.
It wasn't, like, powder.
- Mrs. Simms? - Yes?
- I didn't know you still worked here.
I don't know if you remember me.
I was in your fourth-grade class.
- Oh, my gosh, Jack Fordham.
Of course I remember you.
Flattop haircut,
Detroit Pistons jacket that was way too big.
- I think that thing still does not fit me.
[both laugh] - [clears throat]
- Uh, Wesley, this is Mrs. Simms.
She was the best teacher on the planet.
She used to buy school supplies out of her own pocket
for students who couldn't afford 'em.
- Yeah, still doing that. Hi, Wesley.
- So nice to meet you.
- So which child is yours?
- Oh. - Oh, no.
- No, no, we are not a couple.
- But if we were gay, thank you so much
for thinking I could get a guy like Jack.
It's very flattering. - We're here with Payne.
- You're an executive? - I work with these guys.
I don't know if I'm exactly an executive.
- He's being modest. This guy's a big shot.
- Jack Fordham, I'm so proud of you.
Can I introduce you to my students?
It'd be great for them to meet someone from their world
who's so successful.
- Yeah. - We'd be honored, Mrs. Simms.
- Okay, well, great. Come on.
- Hey, if we were gay, you think we'd be together?
- Hmm, maybe. - Wow.
Thanks, man. That makes me feel really good.
- Ugh, it's all apples and water.
- The country's in the toilet.
- Big problem. Big problem.
So Ethiopia saw
the most recent video, and now they're mad.
- Is "Russell Reports"
"The New York [bleep] Times" now?
- It's all hashtags.
People set up hashtag alerts for things that piss them off.
- Why does Ethiopia care about this?
- Because they're dependent on Somaliland
ever since they lost Eritrea.
Ah, I need a map. - What?
- No, it's fine. Ted.
Is dairy the problem? - No.
- That's China.
- Ah, okay, Eritrea broke away from Ethiopia in 1991.
And without access to the sea, their exports had to start
going through the Port of Berbera
in Somaliland. - Ted, Ted, Ted. Breathe.
- But Somalia and Ethiopia have been rivals
ever since the British ceded the Haud Grasslands in '48.
- I see. - So Addis Ababa
is highly invested in Somaliland's autonomy.
- Okay, I need you to stop giving me details.
I can't live like this anymore.
- We've spent the last 18 months
negotiating with the Ethiopians to open a production hub,
and you just called their nemesis
the top dog in the region.
They're threatening to blow up the whole deal
if you don't apologize. - Apologize?
What, like a phone call?
- More than that.
- Fruit basket?
- It wasn't long ago that Jack was one of my students.
He used to be exactly where you are now.
- And I was also a student once, not here.
I don't know if you're familiar with Cranbrook Academy.
It was very pretty.
I actually lived in Payne Hall.
- Thank you, Wesley.
- But now Jack's a Payne Motors executive,
and I'm so proud of him.
- Well, I owe a lot of it to you.
- And all of you can be just as successful as Jack
if you work hard, go to college, and...
all: Believe we can achieve.
- Yep, although technically, I did not go to college.
- Oh. - But you all should, though.
Kids, go to college.
- Then how did you get your job?
- Well, I worked on the assembly line,
and then stuff just kind of happened.
It was kind of just dumb luck.
- No, no, it wasn't dumb luck.
You know, Jack was smart, and he worked hard.
And he found his moment to shine.
'Cause that's what success really is.
It's taking advantage of the opportunities.
- That's true. You hear that, kids?
- People get hit by cars literally every day.
Most of them don't get promoted because of it,
but Jack believed he could achieve.
- Ah, so creative.
Oh, wow, this one is very beautiful.
I sense you must be a professional car designer.
- No, I'm just a kid. - What? I don't believe it.
I mean, this looks like something off the front cover
of an international automotive magazine.
- You hear that? I told you it was good.
- Thanks. - Yeah, in fact,
I think it's so good, uh, Tyler,
that as an official representative of Payne Motors,
I'd like to buy it from you.
- For real? - Wow, he's gonna buy it.
- Yes, and as this is an official transaction
with Payne Motors, I'd like to present you with this:
a handcrafted certificate of recognition
and a check for 50 American dollars.
- Whoa. - Oh, that's so nice of you,
but you don't actually have to give him money.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, come on.
It's an official transaction.
You know what else might be quite fun?
What if we were to sign this fun,
you know, official legal document?
- Can I?
- Well, okay.
Katie's dad is a lawyer.
Should we have him look it over?
- [laughs] No, no. No lawyers, please.
No--no more lawyers. I'm a lawyer.
I spend all my day around lawyers.
Very boring, so much more fun
if we just, like, signed this together.
You know, another lawyer would be overkill, wouldn't it?
- Maybe I will get Katie's dad, actually.
Hey, Katie, is your dad still here?
Could you go get him for me?
.
- A thousand apologies to the most noble
Ethiopian government.
- Is "a thousand apologies" racist?
I mean, I sound like a karate guru.
I mean, if we were dealing with Japan,
I would say that was racist.
- So does saying it to Ethiopia make it okay?
- No, I think it makes it double racist.
- All right, my contact in Ethiopia says
he'll translate what we write into Amharic,
and then you can say it phonetically.
- Oh, God, it's all just so fawning.
It's like I'm the world's horniest guy
trying to get Ethiopia to sleep with me.
- Yes, channel that energy.
- Yeah, but if we go too far,
won't it just re-piss off Somalia?
And then we'll have to apologize to Somalia again
and then re-apologize to Ethiopia,
and then we'll fall into a perpetual apology loop,
and long story short,
all three of us eventually die in this room.
- It's a concern.
- I'm sure I'm overthinking this,
but does "We support all peoples
who aspire to statehood" sound like, I don't know, like,
Palestine or something? - Oh, that's an overthink.
- Good catch. - What?
- Israel is our biggest supplier of semiconductors.
That was close. That could have been bad.
- Okay, Ted, I need you to get anyone
who knows anything about this stuff
to come weigh in on it immediately, okay?
Government affairs, division chiefs,
anyone who knows where the landmines are buried
needs to get down here now, got it?
- Is Ms. Kirby in here?
- Does it [bleep] look like Mrs. Kirby is in here?
[sighs] Sorry, I'm stressed out.
That child provoked me. - Mm-hmm.
- And he totally bombs
the management training interview.
- I didn't bomb the interview.
- But Jack believed he could achieve,
so he goes to confront this prick...
- Wes, I don't think that you--
- Catches the guy in his office...
- Wes, they don't need to know the details.
- With his pants down, watching--
- Wes, they are kids!
- I wasn't gonna say what it was.
- Thank you. - P-O-R-N.
- Porn?
- Didn't know they could spell at this age.
Uh, good teaching. [laughs]
- Well, we all have our own paths.
What's important isn't how you get to the top,
but what you do to make the world better
when you get there.
- Exactly. - How do you do that?
- How do I do that?
That is a good question.
Uh, well, I make my voice heard.
Like, if we are considering closing a factory,
I will fight hard to keep it open.
- Do they listen to you?
- I have not been at it that long.
- You can't blame Jack for bloated American labor costs.
- Well, anyway, thank you both for coming by.
- Oh, here's how we make the world better.
We pay a ton in taxes, which goes to the greater good.
I mean, with the tax bracket that Jack and I are in,
we probably pay for this whole school.
- I do not think we're in the same tax bracket.
- We might be.
My guy does stuff with gross income.
Oh, my God, I should hook you up with my guy.
You'll pay, like, nothing. - But you should pay something.
Kids, pay your taxes. - Pay some taxes.
Don't pay the nominal rate.
The nominal rate is for suckers, kids.
- It's important to give back. - That's my message.
Don't be a chump.
- Okay, so where does that put us?
- Well, you get the $3,000.
You get the sell-on clause and an acknowledgment
as the car's creator.
- "Creator," right.
- And the certificate too, right?
- Yes, and the handcrafted certificate of recognition.
Very good, Tyler. Thank you for reminding us.
- Well, what about appearance fees?
- What appearance fees?
- Well, everybody's gonna want to interview
the prodigy that out-designed the professionals.
- He didn't out-design anyone. - Okay, let's just--
- No, no, no, I am sick of pretending that we're all
so in awe of Tyler,
like I could never design a car that good.
I already did design it, Tyler.
- Okay, Cyrus, maybe we should take a moment.
- And we already made it, Katie's dad.
The only reason we're sitting here
is so that he can't sue us for a ton of money later.
- [clears throat]
- Well, okay then, $3,000 is extremely low.
Don't you think?
- [speaking Amharic]
[bleep] me in the [bleep].
- That sounded good until the last part.
Yafet, was that good?
- Well, there's a few issues.
- Does anyone know if Ethiopia is Muslim?
- What's the difference? - In some Muslim cultures,
they might be insulted if you're not wearing a headscarf.
I'll find out. - Katherine, the part
where you call Ethiopians "the finest workers
in the world" sounds like a dig at our union guys.
Could we change it to "finest workers in the region"?
- I think Egypt would be offended.
Egypt and Ethiopia hate each other.
- Oh, let me guess, because Egypt is
our biggest supplier of mummies, which we use
as crash test dummies for some reason.
- Egypt controls the Suez Canal.
If they cut off our shipping lanes,
we'll have to sail all the way around the African continent.
- She's mispronouncing "minim chigir yelebinyime."
- How is she saying it? - Minim chigir yelebinyime.
- What's it supposed to be? - Minim chigir yelebinyime.
- How is she saying it? - I think we're fine.
Most Ethiopians are Coptic Christian.
- Wait, which one are those?
- Catholic, but their pope has a beard.
Joyce, are we concerned about the cows in the frame?
- Why, because of vegetarians?
- India is a big market. Cows are sacred.
- Construction paper cows?
- Oh, good catch.
Let's not take any chances.
- So it's "yelebinyime," not "yelebinyime"?
- You are saying the exact same thing.
- You'resaying the exact same thing.
- Are you messing with me on purpose?
- Labor says we'll be okay with the unions
if we add the phrase, "We support the Ethiopians'
rights to unite and organize."
- That sounds like we're advocating the overthrow
of the Ethiopian government.
- Yeah, well, it's been that type of day.
- Hey, Katherine, apparently, if you say,
"Minim chigir yelebinyime," it means, "I have no problem."
But if you say, "Minim chigir yelebinyime,"
it means, "I have no pubic hair."
.
- Okay, everyone get out of the way.
I can do this.
It does look higher when you're up here, but--
- What is he doing? - Oh, I think he's trying
to impress a bunch of nine-year-olds,
but he's couching it as a metaphor
for trickle-down economics.
- Imagine I'm wealth. - Mr. Payne, get down.
I'm coming down, and we're all gonna benefit.
- Well, that is a strong learning tool.
- You ever feel like you've become one of the bad guys?
- Bad guys?
- I was just excited to be, like,
the hometown hero that made it big
that everybody was proud of, not some guy
who sold out to corporate America
and forgot where he came from.
- Well, we can't all be teachers and firefighters.
I mean, there are other ways to give back.
- Like what?
- I don't know, tip your Uber driver 50%
or give out full-sized candy bars at Halloween.
[phone dings] Whatever makes an impact.
Oh, my God. - Investment in new jobs
means the wealth's gotta trickle.
Well, here comes the trickle.
- Oh, oh, this is bad.
- Ah, something popped!
- Payne assumes full ownership in exchange for $75,000,
whereas all appearance fees, motion picture rights,
and certificates of recognition
are the exclusive property of the Awesome Radical Company,
Tyler Lopez, president.
So do we have a deal?
- Yeah. - Yes.
- Glorious.
- Unreal.
- Tyler, this is amazing.
- How'd you even come up with this idea?
- I saw it in "Tank Man Adventure 64."
It's my favorite comic book.
- Well, it has been a pleasure doing business with you.
Lovely to meet you all, and I wish you
the best of luck in your future endeavors.
[laughs]
- It was nice to meet you guys.
- [speaking Amharic]
- You nailed it! - It's not terrible.
- Hey, Ted, did you know Abeba Metebaberi Industries,
the Ethiopian company we just said we're proud to work with,
has been accused of using child labor?
- What? - Yep, it's all over Twitter.
#Payne, #HumanTrafficking.
- I mean, was I aware of it,
like, knew it for a fact to be true?
- [whispering] You knew that we were supporting child labor?
- We weren't supporting it.
At worst, we were somewhat failing
to investigate it too intensely.
- And you didn't think that maybe,
this was worth mentioning to me sooner?
- You said you wanted me to stop giving you details.
- Maybe we should talk about this back at the office.
- Yeah, find that principal. Let's wrap this up.
Kids, Ted?
Anything else I need to know about?
- Do you actually want to know? - No, obviously I don't, Ted.
Well, what an event we have had today.
[applause]
You know, I have always said that Payne doesn't make cars.
We make promises to future generations.
We do that by sharing our words of wisdom
with the leaders of tomorrow.
We do that by leading by example.
And after today, I am so optimistic about the future.
You all are so smart and talented.
I wish that I could hire you all
to come work for me right now.
[laughs] I mean, not "now" now.
Not now. Later on. Later on.
I meant come work for me one day
way past the age of consent so where it's not child labor,
because I don't believe in that personally or as a company.
So that's certainly not our beliefs.
So just be kids and always remember,
design it, dream it--
dream it, design it.
All right, thank you, Russell Elementary.
[applause]
[bleep].
[light music]
- Mrs. Simms?
- Oh, Jack.
Figured you'd have to get back to the office.
- Yeah, I'm about to. I just wanted to give you this.
- $5,000? I couldn't. I don't--
- It's payback for all the school supplies
you bought kids over the years.
- You know the school paid me back for those
out of petty cash, right?
- Oh.
That's good. I'm glad.
- Do you still want me to--
- Yeah, yeah, keep it.
You have done a ton of nice stuff.
- Well, thank you.
- You should keep it.
- Thank you.
You should keep it.
- Mm-hmm.