1
00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:05,255
[Mondo Cozmo's "Plastic Soul"]
2
00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:06,506
[cell phone chimes]
3
00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:10,468
♪ ♪
4
00:00:10,468 --> 00:00:13,471
I did a benefit with
Shaquille O'Neal yesterday.
5
00:00:13,471 --> 00:00:14,973
Oh, yeah?
6
00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:16,725
Yeah.
And I swear to God,
7
00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:18,810
your hands are bigger
than his.
8
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,729
[chuckles]
9
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:23,940
Should I do stock market?
10
00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:26,818
Yes.
Why the hell wouldn't you?
11
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,570
I like having
all my money in checking,
12
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:29,988
so when I get a receipt
at the ATM,
13
00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,990
I see a high number.
14
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:34,117
And, uh--Deborah?
15
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Oh, sorry. I--
16
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,122
I've been approached
about doing a podcast.
17
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:42,417
I got to say, very impressed
you don't have one.
18
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,461
[indistinct excited chatter]
- I know, right?
19
00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,171
Thank you so much.
20
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,839
[indistinct conversation]
21
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,841
No, no, thank you.
22
00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:52,302
[chuckles]
23
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:55,430
I'm cooking dinner
for Ruby tonight.
24
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:58,016
Did you know
you can make dressing?
25
00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,810
It doesn't just come
as dressing in a bottle.
26
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:02,479
Of course.
27
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:04,647
I travel with my own balsamic.
28
00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,649
I'd be selling it, too,
if goddamn Newman
29
00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:07,942
hadn't cornered the market.
30
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[chuckles]
31
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[car horns honking]
32
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Sorry. Sorry.
33
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♪ ♪
34
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[indistinct speech]
35
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,203
What time were you born?
36
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:19,704
I wanna look
at your birth chart to see
37
00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:22,290
what houses
your planets are in.
38
00:01:22,290 --> 00:01:23,708
Don't know,
but I can tell you
39
00:01:23,708 --> 00:01:25,502
what cities my houses are in--
40
00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:27,504
uh, Vegas, Aspen, LA,
41
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:28,880
Jackson Hole, Palm Beach,
42
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,216
and if penthouses count,
Dubai.
43
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,011
Remind me,
do you observe Lent?
44
00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,180
Absolutely not.
45
00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:38,807
Do you?
46
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,103
Hi, honey, it's Josefina.
47
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,688
Deborah took an Ambien
48
00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:47,232
but will text you
in the morning...
49
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:50,402
or in the afternoon
if it was 20 milligrams.
50
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,903
Good night.
51
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:56,074
♪ ♪
52
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:59,077
♪ Whenever I think of her ♪
53
00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:00,995
♪ ♪
54
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,664
[dog snores]
55
00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:08,294
Hey, quiet on set.
We're close.
56
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:11,256
Hey, Deborah,
I'm Mark, the first AD.
57
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,590
- Yeah.
- We're almost ready to go.
58
00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:14,134
We're just waiting
on the fountains.
59
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,261
Can we get your stand-in
so you're out of the sun?
60
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,054
Oh, no, it's fine, baby.
I've got an umbrella coming in.
61
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,347
- Okay.
- Move it!
62
00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:20,432
[umbrella opens]
63
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,685
[giggles]
Hi.
64
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:25,270
Hi.
- Thanks.
65
00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:27,105
So I bumped into the booker
for late night,
66
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,566
and he said again how much
they'd love to have you on.
67
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:30,775
Eh, no.
68
00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:32,110
I-I got too much going on.
69
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:34,404
Really?
Because you did make time
70
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:37,032
to do this ad for
the Vegas Chamber of Commerce.
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00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:39,576
I love Vegas.
I love commerce.
72
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,327
Let's just pass on it for now.
73
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:42,954
This is the fourth time
they've asked.
74
00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:44,622
And your special
was a year ago now.
75
00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:46,082
They're not gonna ask again,
76
00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:47,625
and I really think
this is the moment.
77
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,210
- The answer is no.
- No means no, Jimmy.
78
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,462
Get over it.
79
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:51,963
I got you, girl.
80
00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:54,883
Okay, yes, but
I need you to explain why.
81
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,551
- [sighs]
- I can't keep passing
82
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,136
on something that I think
as your manager
83
00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,637
you should be doing.
84
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:03,391
That's the show
I almost hosted, Jimmy.
85
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:06,978
After my special, everybody
knows how badly I wanted that.
86
00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:09,856
So if I go on the show
and I don't kill...
87
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,900
it's like, you know,
of course she isn't hosting.
88
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,444
She's not even a good guest.
89
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,112
Oh.
90
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:17,697
What?
91
00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:19,616
That's just kind of lame
of you.
92
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,992
[scoffs]
Excuse me?
93
00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,952
Spicy boy.
94
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:24,829
Deborah, of course
you're gonna kill.
95
00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:26,498
You always kill.
All you need to do
96
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:28,416
is tell a good story,
and I bet you have binders
97
00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:31,252
full of amazing stories
to tell.
98
00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,171
- Rolodexes.
- See? All right, you know,
99
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,006
I'm just gonna tell 'em you're
gonna do it, unless you want me
100
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,716
to offer them Vanna White
singing "We Are The World."
101
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,551
In C flat.
Do you guys want to hear it?
102
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:40,595
She sent me a voice memo
of the whole thing.
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00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,472
both: No.
104
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,890
Fine, I'll do it.
105
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,058
Tell them I'll do it.
both: Yes.
106
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,476
Okay, this is a good decision
107
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,186
that was very simple.
I'm glad we...
108
00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,187
- We're ready!
- Worked it out.
109
00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:50,355
Okay, we're ready.
110
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,691
Break a leg, girl.
- Whoo!
111
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:54,943
We're ready.
112
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,445
- Background.
- Background!
113
00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:58,446
And action.
114
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The shopping!
115
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Cut.
116
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,870
We got it.
That is a wrap on Deborah.
117
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- Hey, hey, eye.
- What? Are you okay?
118
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,582
- Watch my eye. Yeah.
- Jimmy, where's the car?
119
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,543
- It's right over here.
- Come here, queen.
120
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,378
All right,
we had them double-park.
121
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:17,382
♪ Love is not
a stranger anymore ♪
122
00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:20,468
[moaning, gasping]
123
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,855
Okay, so Tripadvisor is--
124
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,064
Oh, my God,
can I just have...
125
00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:34,482
- Oh.
- Like, one second?
126
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:35,900
Yeah, sorry.
127
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,865
- [sighs]
- Okay, so Tripadvisor is--
128
00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:44,659
[laughter]
129
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:47,120
Sorry, but if we want
to stay in a gligloo
130
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,913
when we're in Iceland,
all the reviews are saying
131
00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,540
that we need to book now.
132
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:51,833
A gligloo?
133
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,376
- Glam igloo.
- Oh.
134
00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:55,086
- Could be chic.
- Mm-hmm.
135
00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:58,256
I know the show hasn't
given you your dates yet, but--
136
00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:00,091
Just book it.
137
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:02,344
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
138
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,262
Let's do whatever you want.
139
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:06,890
You're spending your whole
hiatus where I'm shooting.
140
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,017
I'll tell them they have
to work around it,
141
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,477
and they'll just have to deal.
142
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,145
Okay.
143
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:16,024
Very hot number-one-on-the-
call-sheet energy, baby.
144
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:19,152
[laughter]
145
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,695
♪ Oh, baby ♪
146
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:23,156
♪ You got me ♪
147
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:26,117
♪ Now that you're all alone ♪
148
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,703
♪ Can't you see what
you're doing to me baby ♪
149
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:30,080
♪ Oh, baby ♪
150
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,748
[chattering]
- Deborah, right here.
151
00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:35,377
We've got Arnold, Carmen,
and Carmen's cousin.
152
00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:36,419
Arnold.
153
00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:37,587
Oh, my goodness.
154
00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:38,963
Oh, and the cousins are here.
155
00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:40,757
Hey, Deborah,
looking gorgeous.
156
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:42,550
Can you just write,
to Kevin,
157
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:45,595
congrats on your
gastric bypass.
158
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:48,181
- Hope this one sticks, honey.
- Oh, thank you so much.
159
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,433
Deb, I found out our dogs
go to the same groomer.
160
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,560
- What's this?
- It's a candle.
161
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,895
This is two chins ago.
162
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:54,896
I never would have
approved this.
163
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:55,980
Where'd you get it?
164
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:57,232
I bought it off of Etsy.
165
00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,733
Who the fuck is Betsy?
166
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,652
No, Etsy, it's a website.
167
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,487
There's a lot of
DV merch on there.
168
00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,572
I actually just
bought a replica
169
00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,783
of your birth certificate.
170
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,284
Damien!
171
00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,911
- I'm right here.
- Did you know about this?
172
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,287
No.
173
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:12,872
I'm taking this.
174
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,794
She took my candle.
175
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,462
[laughter]
176
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:20,922
Let's call Grandma.
177
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,340
[Clarence Reid's
"Miss Hot Stuff"]
178
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,259
♪ Miss hot stuff ♪
179
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:26,594
♪ I'm hot for you ♪
180
00:06:26,594 --> 00:06:27,971
♪ Miss hot stuff ♪
181
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,139
♪ Yes ♪
182
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,474
♪ I'm hot for you ♪
183
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,018
[papers thud loudly]
184
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,477
And what are these?
185
00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,354
These are websites
I printed out.
186
00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:38,606
Oh.
Good?
187
00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:41,109
Do you know how many
sellers there are on Etsy
188
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,862
making a profit
off my name and likeness?
189
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,572
- I don't.
- Look at this first one.
190
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,490
This is a throw pillow.
191
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,744
Okay, it says, tax loopholes
are my love language.
192
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:53,038
Now, that's true, but, I mean,
I didn't authorize this.
193
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,414
Did you?
194
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,249
No, but now
I want this pillow.
195
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,668
It's not funny, Marcus.
This needs to stop now.
196
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,545
Okay, okay, I'll get on it.
197
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:01,963
Look at this.
198
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,506
It's a coffee cup
that says,
199
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,885
I'm so old, I went
apple picking with Eve.
200
00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:09,637
I mean, I like the joke,
but I hate that font.
201
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,640
[funk music]
202
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:19,731
♪ ♪
203
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,163
[gasps]
204
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:38,166
[soft music]
205
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:44,714
♪ ♪
206
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:47,175
Okay.
207
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,888
[The 5th Dimension's
"Feelin' Alright?"]
208
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:56,017
♪ I've got to leave
before I start to scream ♪
209
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,936
[laughing]
210
00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:01,606
♪ Someone locked the door
and took the keys ♪
211
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:07,112
♪ Are you feeling all right?
Uh-huh ♪
212
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,948
♪ I ain't feeling
that good myself now ♪
213
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:12,617
♪ Oh, no ♪
214
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:14,703
♪ Feeling all right ♪
215
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:17,414
Okay.
216
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,374
This is your last
late night story.
217
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,251
You've gone through
the whole Rolodex?
218
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:24,838
Uh-huh.
It's USO debacle in Germany.
219
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,715
That's a good one,
but that hinges
220
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,675
on the Berlin Wall
still being erect.
221
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,510
I just think you
do the other one,
222
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,388
change Studio 54 to Buddha Bar
and Quaaludes to fentanyl.
223
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:35,557
Oh, that is sad.
224
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,475
Buddha Bar is no Studio 54.
225
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:39,477
- Yeah, sure.
- God damn it.
226
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,813
Martha Stewart is so lucky
she went to jail.
227
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,648
I mean, that shit's evergreen.
228
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,817
Why don't you tell
a more recent story?
229
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:48,069
You can talk about your new
horsehair bed from Austria.
230
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,821
Remember when we thought
it wouldn't fit
231
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,990
through the window
but then it did?
232
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,242
Yeah, very relatable.
233
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,161
Are you sure you didn't
miss anything in there?
234
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:57,620
Let me check.
235
00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,122
Did it, did it.
236
00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:02,834
Oh, Benihana's
with O.J. Simpson.
237
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,712
No.
- Forget it.
238
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,464
You know what?
239
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:11,176
I'm going to make a new story.
240
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,635
[knocking]
241
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:15,972
[funky music]
242
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,640
Scott Thompson?
243
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,267
Carrot Top, yeah.
How can I help you?
244
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,977
As you know,
this land has been zoned
245
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,729
a historic environmental
preservation zone.
246
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,397
We're going to
need you to vacate
247
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,107
the premises immediately
so we can begin demolition.
248
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,234
Demolition? What the fuck
are you talking about?
249
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,402
Yes, sir. There was
a city council meeting
250
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,237
where this was discussed.
251
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,822
No one has ever discussed
anything with me about any--
252
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,616
Please put
whatever belongings
253
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:35,992
will fit into this bag.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
254
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,994
Demolition will
begin in 20 minutes.
255
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:40,330
20 minutes?
This is a joke.
256
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:41,873
Mr. Top, we sent
several notices.
257
00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:43,541
You didn't send jack shit,
and I don't think
258
00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:45,168
you have
the right fucking house.
259
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,003
See if you have the right
fucking house on there.
260
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,506
- 1929 Chickasaw Way.
- God damn it!
261
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,341
[whistles]
[engine turning over]
262
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:52,884
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
263
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:55,387
Wait, no, stop,
you can't do this!
264
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:59,683
Wait!
- [laughs]
265
00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,351
I got you. I got you.
266
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,228
- Deborah?
- Oh, thanks so much.
267
00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:04,771
I needed a story
for late night.
268
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:07,065
This is going to play
like gangbusters.
269
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,025
Do not have anything better
to do with your time?
270
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,152
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
271
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:12,487
Oh, lighten up.
272
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,072
What's wrong with me?
273
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,615
What's wrong
with your landscaper?
274
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,034
Look at this shrub.
It's dead.
275
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,744
I should take that out.
276
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,830
Jesus. No, stop it.
277
00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,331
Stop, stop, stop!
278
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:25,375
I fucking love that bush!
279
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:31,423
♪ ♪
280
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,095
Marcus.
281
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:39,389
Ezekiel.
282
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,850
So you're "DebbieTwoTon," huh?
283
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:44,561
Mm-hmm.
284
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:48,231
Ezekiel, do you know
what this is?
285
00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:50,775
- A candle.
- But who is on the candle?
286
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,277
The greatest living comedian
of our time.
287
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,862
You have a problem.
288
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,864
First of all,
this candle is not soy based.
289
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:57,240
That's going to be
a dirty burn.
290
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,867
Fuck.
291
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,535
But your real problem
is that you're running
292
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,454
an Etsy store selling
unauthorized merchandise.
293
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:05,457
And my very litigious
business associate can sue you
294
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,334
for trademark infringement.
295
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:10,545
It would be an honor to be
in litigation with Deborah.
296
00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:13,465
And, also, I will not be
policed by some straight guy
297
00:11:13,465 --> 00:11:15,342
who doesn't get it
because he's not even a fan.
298
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,468
I'm not straight.
299
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,928
Prove it.
300
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:22,557
And just so you know,
I am the original fan.
301
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:24,893
I created the first
Deborah Vance merchandise.
302
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,603
I am the original fan.
303
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:28,521
I've seen every one of her
specials over 40 times.
304
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,857
Okay. Then what was her most
well-attended overseas show?
305
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,359
Stockholm '97.
Her birthday.
306
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,860
Her real birthday.
307
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,403
Same day, two years earlier.
Bra size?
308
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,905
None.
She does custom.
309
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,740
What's her favorite food
if calories don't count?
310
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,575
Potatoes dauphinoise.
If calories do count?
311
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:42,160
Endive salad, no croutons.
312
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,578
Okay.
313
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:44,829
What's her favorite snack?
314
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,581
Ezekiel,
that's a trick question.
315
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:48,333
Deborah Vance doesn't snack,
316
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,834
but she's contractually
obligated to say--
317
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,294
both: Wheat Thins.
318
00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:53,672
- Are you as turned on as I am?
- No.
319
00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:56,132
You have 48 hours to fulfill
all outstanding orders,
320
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,468
and then you will
shut this site down.
321
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,679
I had no choice.
322
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,973
I have always wanted
a Deborah Vance tour jacket,
323
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:06,518
and they were always too small.
324
00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:09,646
So I made some in my size, and
they sold out within a day.
325
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:12,148
There is a community
of people out there
326
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:16,653
who are hungry for this stuff,
and I gave it to them.
327
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:20,615
Then, naturally, I branched out
into unlicensed cookbooks,
328
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,534
oven mitts, cell phone cases.
329
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,994
You know, the more you talk,
the stronger my lawsuit gets.
330
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,746
Okay, okay.
331
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,958
But if I don't do it,
someone else will.
332
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,335
[sighs]
Good day, Ezekiel.
333
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:38,091
♪ ♪
334
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,885
[vocalizing]
335
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,387
Here we go. Come on.
Keep going.
336
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:43,388
Nice.
337
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,015
- Hey.
- Hey.
338
00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,225
Made you something.
Matcha.
339
00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,019
Oh, thanks.
Put it over on the big tire.
340
00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:50,729
[panting]
341
00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:52,063
And time.
[device beeps]
342
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:53,732
Good.
Go right into squat jumps.
343
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,316
Down, explode.
Nice.
344
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,736
So I was just thinking,
maybe we should get
345
00:12:57,736 --> 00:13:00,572
some new silverware.
346
00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:02,365
[panting]
Yeah, sure.
347
00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:03,908
You have 15 seconds.
Push.
348
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:05,744
It's just that
I have my silverware,
349
00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:07,412
and you have
your silverware,
350
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,747
but I just thought
it would be nice
351
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,749
if we had, like,
our silverware.
352
00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:13,209
Yeah, sure.
New silverware.
353
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,003
Time. Nice. Back on the rope.
[device beeps]
354
00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,629
Back on the rope.
Right to it.
355
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,591
Okay.
Enjoy your matcha.
356
00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,301
Don't know why
she's doing all that.
357
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,594
Perfect the way she is.
358
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:26,431
Love you.
359
00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:27,891
And time.
[device beeps]
360
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:30,810
[grunts]
361
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,104
She has scoliosis.
[door opens]
362
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,230
I know.
363
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,648
Ready for the bike?
364
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,650
I'm ready.
- Yeah.
365
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,612
And then I told him we could
sue him if he didn't stop.
366
00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:42,739
Good.
That should settle it.
367
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:45,116
But then he said
something interesting.
368
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,619
Basically, people were asking
him to make these products.
369
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,746
He was only meeting a demand
that was already there.
370
00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,623
So?
371
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,417
So I think we should bring
him in and the other sellers.
372
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,960
They understand
the Deborah Vance marketplace,
373
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,629
because they are
the marketplace.
374
00:13:57,629 --> 00:14:00,590
Oh, so we bring them in,
and then we sue them.
375
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:01,966
No, no.
376
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,135
We bring in
the independent creators,
377
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,721
and we spotlight them on QVC.
378
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,139
Listen, we've had
an amazing year.
379
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,724
Your profile is raised,
380
00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:11,476
and that's been hugely
helpful for the company.
381
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,311
But if we want to
really scale up,
382
00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:15,313
we've got to start branching
out and putting your stamp
383
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,940
of approval on
outside products,
384
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,733
the way Oprah did
with her Favorite Things.
385
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,610
- I like Oprah.
- Everyone does.
386
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:23,613
But this would be a special
hour every week on QVC
387
00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:26,199
devoted to the House of Vance.
388
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:29,536
And for every sale,
we get a cut, naturally.
389
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,329
And after that, we sue them.
390
00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:33,456
Oh, Jesus, I'm kidding.
391
00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:35,500
But I'm afraid
that QVC might think
392
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,085
we're diluting the brand.
393
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,628
I mean, it could backfire.
394
00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,171
It won't.
395
00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:41,589
Trust me.
396
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,091
Okay.
[chuckles]
397
00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:45,010
Let's pitch it
on Monday's call.
398
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,469
All right.
399
00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:49,639
[bright music]
400
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:54,102
♪ ♪
401
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:55,353
Hello.
402
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:57,355
Yeah, mama.
403
00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:00,025
- So how you feeling?
- Really good.
404
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:02,527
You were right. This is the
right moment to do this.
405
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:03,945
- Definitely.
- It's going to kill.
406
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,864
- All gold.
- Kill.
407
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,657
- Is that hazelnut coffee?
- Yeah.
408
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:10,702
- Yeah.
- Oh.
409
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,537
And then I went
right over his shrubs.
410
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,330
I guess you could say
I trimmed Carrot's top.
411
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,707
[laughs]
- Fun.
412
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:17,250
- Does that work?
- Yeah, that's fun.
413
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,210
[knock at door]
- Hey, so, little problem.
414
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:22,047
Danny's got salmonella
from the egg toss
415
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,923
he did with Christiane Amanpour
yesterday.
416
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,009
We have to cancel
and air a rerun.
417
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,344
No. Oh.
418
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:28,803
Really sorry, Deborah.
419
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,889
Shit, I've got to release
the audience.
420
00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:32,932
Shit, will you guys
excuse me a minute?
421
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:36,895
Wait, hey, um, what
if Deborah guest-hosts?
422
00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,688
I mean, Danny's a fan, right?
423
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:41,649
And you know she'd be great.
She almost hosted herself.
424
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,902
Would you?
425
00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,653
[scoffs]
Yeah, I can do that.
426
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,405
Okay.
427
00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:49,074
Um, I have to get approval
from Winnie Landell, but--
428
00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:51,242
Oh, my God,
Winnie Landell, I know her.
429
00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:53,244
We met in Montreal.
- Okay.
430
00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:54,913
Yeah, yeah.
431
00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:57,207
We're going to have to move
really fast if this is--
432
00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:58,750
Yeah, let's go.
Where are my writers?
433
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,752
You made them wait outside
because they have
434
00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:02,921
hazelnut coffee breath.
435
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,589
- Well, find some mints.
- Mints.
436
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,257
We have a monologue to write.
437
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,259
We're going to need a guest
for the second act.
438
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,844
You know,
let us help with that.
439
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:10,887
We can help.
- Yeah, we can help with that.
440
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,889
Get--get--
441
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:15,558
♪ Give me some more
of that funky good loving ♪
442
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:17,352
We have some pitches
that we think
443
00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:19,104
you're really going to like,
Deborah.
444
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,523
Great, great. Okay.
Well, we don't have much time,
445
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,024
so there's no such thing
as a bad idea.
446
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,734
Let's hear them.
- John.
447
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,820
So maybe an in-studio sketch
where you try not to set
448
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,572
your desk on fire but can't.
- Uh-huh.
449
00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:31,157
Because of the whole, like,
burning-down-the-house thing.
450
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,450
Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
451
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,327
Anything else?
452
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,413
What about a desk piece where
you go through celebrities
453
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,707
and guess their
favorite sex position?
454
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:41,543
Like Daniel Radcliffe's
could be Dobby style.
455
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:43,003
[chuckles]
- What?
456
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,630
Like doggy style...
457
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,465
but Dobby.
458
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,634
So how long
till we tape, again?
459
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:51,386
About an hour.
460
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,805
Yeah.
- Yeah.
461
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:55,598
What if we put you
in a Lincoln hat,
462
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,642
and you punch a sack of corn?
463
00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,644
No, no, no.
I totally get it. It's fine.
464
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,646
We'll circle back.
Okay, all right, bye.
465
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,440
Shit, she's in New York.
466
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,984
- What about your mom?
- No.
467
00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:08,820
My mom's Deidre Hall
from "Days of Our Lives."
468
00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,572
Honestly,
she's always camera ready,
469
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,157
but I'm not sure it's worth it.
470
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,409
Oh, my God,
Reese Witherspoon, I love her.
471
00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:16,244
Do you have
a connection to her?
472
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,829
I feel like I do.
I love her.
473
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,289
I just said that.
474
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,374
Someone needs to listen.
475
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,419
What if you sing?
476
00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:27,380
You know, you could really show
off your musical-comedy chops.
477
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,382
Musical comedy
is an oxymoron.
478
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,259
Yes, of course.
479
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,886
What about a desk piece,
and we call "Deb-it or Credit."
480
00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,679
Good, good.
So what is it?
481
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,264
Oh, I don't know.
482
00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:38,641
I was just seeing
if you liked the title first.
483
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:41,895
Oh, oh,
you wear a wig, right?
484
00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,063
Yes.
485
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,773
Maybe something with that?
486
00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:48,234
Something with wigs?
487
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:49,861
Yeah.
488
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,863
[phone buzzing]
489
00:17:51,863 --> 00:17:53,323
Hey.
490
00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:54,824
Yeah, hi,
this is going to be quick,
491
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,868
because I don't have much time.
- Okay.
492
00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,204
Loving this energy.
Very "Bourne Identity."
493
00:17:59,204 --> 00:18:01,039
Well, listen,
Danny Collins is out sick.
494
00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:02,332
Oh, shit.
495
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,958
But trimming Carrot Top's bush.
496
00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,877
Yeah, I know, I know.
But listen.
497
00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:08,546
I'm going to guest host.
And so that's happening.
498
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:11,007
- Oh, my God, that's amazing.
- Yeah.
499
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:14,302
We're throwing together
a show, like, right now, now.
500
00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:18,348
So would it be okay if I, uh,
501
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:21,685
you know, asked you
your opinion about a joke?
502
00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:24,354
- Sure.
- Okay, thanks. How's this?
503
00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:25,730
Danny has salmonella.
504
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:27,482
The good news is,
no one can directly
505
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:29,776
connect me with the purchase
of any toxic chemicals.
506
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,529
What about the good news is,
we're saving the network money
507
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,364
'cause I only cost 80 cents
on the dollar.
508
00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:35,740
[laughs]
That's good.
509
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,784
That's good.
I like that.
510
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,286
Well, I'm getting a lot
of texts here from my mom.
511
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,788
She's wondering if she can get
a car and driver to the show
512
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,164
and then keep it after.
513
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,625
His mom has
an incredible body.
514
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,335
Kayla, I don't want
to hear that, though.
515
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:48,878
- It's a compliment.
- Please.
516
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,547
What? Perfect ass.
517
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,674
Kayla, this is my mother
you're talking about.
518
00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:55,593
You're giving me
a bad taste in my mouth.
519
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,345
Stop talking about my mom.
520
00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,888
Okay, sorry that
I complimented your mom's body.
521
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,765
You never say anything
about my mom's body.
522
00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:02,392
It would be wildly
inappropriate if I did.
523
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:03,768
Why would I talk about
your mother's body?
524
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,353
She's cute.
525
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:06,938
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That would be funny.
526
00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,065
And--yes.
And for a desk piece.
527
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,567
Oh, the visual.
528
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,110
The visual would be great.
- Oh, my God.
529
00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:13,361
And then
we could tag it with--
530
00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:14,946
[laughs]
Yes, oh, that's perfect.
531
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:17,282
Yes. Oh, my God,
that's the perfect opener.
532
00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:18,616
Thank you.
533
00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:23,371
[sighs]
534
00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:27,125
Look, I know
you probably can't, but...
535
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:30,128
it'd be so much easier
if you just came here.
536
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:35,091
Hello?
[line beeps]
537
00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:37,177
[sighs]
538
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:42,182
Sorry.
Lost service in the elevator.
539
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:44,684
Okay. So, yeah, I think
that works for the opener,
540
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,728
but then I think you got to go
right into the Danny stuff.
541
00:19:46,728 --> 00:19:48,355
Okay. Yeah, you're right,
you're right, you're right.
542
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:49,939
Okay, but the poison line,
is that too lateral?
543
00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:51,483
No, no, I don't think
you need it at all.
544
00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:54,110
Okay, last question
before she agrees.
545
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,195
Does the hair and
makeup department
546
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,321
use cruelty-free products?
547
00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:57,489
I mean, I'll ask.
548
00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:58,823
I'm just going
to get her here.
549
00:19:58,823 --> 00:19:59,949
I'll figure it out.
- Guess what.
550
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:01,159
What?
551
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:02,786
We do not have
to worry anymore.
552
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:03,953
We don't need a guest.
Deborah figured it out.
553
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,663
Well, what's the idea?
554
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:07,123
She did not tell me.
She actually said to get away.
555
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,333
So...
[laughs]
556
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:09,918
But I think it's
going to be good.
557
00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:11,628
We don't need to worry.
[phone buzzes]
558
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,129
Well, this is going to suck.
Would you excuse me?
559
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,839
Hey, Mommy.
560
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,676
Yeah, it turns out they do
test on animals, big-time.
561
00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:19,719
I know.
562
00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:23,973
She said Kinos only.
No LEDs. 2,900 Kelvin.
563
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,183
And move "A" camera
30 degrees clockwise
564
00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:26,768
so we get more
of her good side.
565
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,353
And do you have any
copper-colored lav mics?
566
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:30,063
If not, I'm going to need
a can of spray paint.
567
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,856
♪ ♪
568
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,817
Hanging there,
sweetheart, to the right.
569
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:35,485
You see it hanging there?
The pink.
570
00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:36,653
The pink.
571
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,279
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
572
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,573
Good evening.
How's everyone doing tonight?
573
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,117
Good, good.
574
00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,493
Sorry, I think you got
to make that bigger.
575
00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:45,203
Yeah.
576
00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:47,956
Yeah, her text font is, like,
double the size of that.
577
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,167
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
578
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,919
These are going to
block her good side.
579
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:55,380
I need those on the back wall.
Small ones over there.
580
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,800
Okay.
581
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,885
Are you ready
to be the best audience
582
00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:03,221
late night has ever heard?
583
00:21:03,221 --> 00:21:06,182
[cheers and applause]
584
00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:09,185
[soft music]
585
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:12,814
♪ ♪
586
00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:15,942
[sighs]
587
00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:22,866
[warm-up comic speaks
indistinctly]
588
00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:25,702
[cheers and applause]
589
00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,706
Ladies and gentleman,
please welcome your host,
590
00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:31,207
Deborah Vance!
591
00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:34,210
[upbeat music]
592
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,297
♪ ♪
593
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:39,132
Thank you.
594
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:42,052
♪ ♪
595
00:21:42,052 --> 00:21:44,721
- Colors look amazing.
- Thank you so much.
596
00:21:44,721 --> 00:21:47,307
As you might know, Danny
is out with a health issue.
597
00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:48,850
And out of respect
for his privacy,
598
00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:50,643
I can't say much
more than that.
599
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,729
But should you experience
an erection lasting longer
600
00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:54,856
than six hours,
this is a medical emergency,
601
00:21:54,856 --> 00:21:56,608
and you should consult
a doctor.
602
00:21:56,608 --> 00:21:59,235
[laughter]
603
00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:01,112
[cheers and applause]
604
00:22:01,112 --> 00:22:04,282
I recently found out there's
a group of people on Etsy
605
00:22:04,282 --> 00:22:08,453
who are selling knockoff
Deborah Vance merchandise
606
00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:10,455
with things
I supposedly said
607
00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:13,958
printed on them, which leads us
to a segment I like to call,
608
00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:16,795
Did I Say It?
[cheers and applause]
609
00:22:16,795 --> 00:22:18,963
A poster that says,
"I may love jewelry,
610
00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:21,716
but a ring has no place
on my coffee table."
611
00:22:21,716 --> 00:22:24,219
Do you think I said it?
crowd: Yes!
612
00:22:24,219 --> 00:22:27,389
[bell ringing]
- Yes, I did, right before
613
00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:29,974
a friendship-ending argument
with Nancy Reagan.
614
00:22:29,974 --> 00:22:33,561
[laughter and applause]
615
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:35,271
So good.
616
00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:38,149
We are down a guest,
but I'm going to fix that.
617
00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:39,317
[whistling]
618
00:22:39,317 --> 00:22:40,902
You sir, you.
619
00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:43,780
Fourth row. Yes, you, you.
Yeah. Come here.
620
00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:46,825
[cheers and applause]
621
00:22:46,825 --> 00:22:48,618
So what do you do for work?
622
00:22:48,618 --> 00:22:50,787
I'm actually a TSA agent.
623
00:22:50,787 --> 00:22:53,373
Okay, that's all the time
we have, ladies and gentlemen.
624
00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:55,458
[laughter, rim shot]
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
625
00:22:55,458 --> 00:22:58,128
You must find some weird stuff
in people's suitcases.
626
00:22:58,128 --> 00:22:59,504
It's kind of X rated.
627
00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,423
Oh, now you have
to tell us.
628
00:23:01,423 --> 00:23:02,924
Come on.
629
00:23:02,924 --> 00:23:04,467
A few years ago,
630
00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:06,177
this guy went through
the metal detector.
631
00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:08,138
I guess he was wearing a--
632
00:23:08,138 --> 00:23:09,681
can I say "cuck cage" on TV?
633
00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:12,350
[laughter]
634
00:23:12,350 --> 00:23:14,686
Well, Lance,
I think you just did.
635
00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:16,271
What on Earth is that?
636
00:23:16,271 --> 00:23:20,483
It's like a metal cage
that goes on a man's--
637
00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:23,028
- TSA wand.
- Yes.
638
00:23:23,028 --> 00:23:26,614
And you can only take it off
with a key.
639
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:28,199
But his wife had the key.
640
00:23:28,199 --> 00:23:30,869
- And where was she?
- In Miami.
641
00:23:30,869 --> 00:23:33,872
[laughter]
642
00:23:33,872 --> 00:23:36,833
Hey. Don't you need to get
back to your actual job?
643
00:23:36,833 --> 00:23:38,626
Oh, my God.
Fuck. Shit.
644
00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:40,420
I'm supposed
to get them coffee.
645
00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:41,588
Mm.
646
00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,798
So, according to these cards,
647
00:23:43,798 --> 00:23:46,051
you broke your hand
training for the film?
648
00:23:46,051 --> 00:23:47,510
Yeah.
649
00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:49,220
Actually, it's an
interesting story.
650
00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:50,680
Okay, I'm going to
stop you right there.
651
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,307
Are you just bored
to tears from having
652
00:23:52,307 --> 00:23:53,767
to tell this story
over and over and over again
653
00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:55,268
to the press
and make it sound natural?
654
00:23:55,268 --> 00:23:56,478
You're going to
get me in trouble.
655
00:23:56,478 --> 00:23:58,188
[laughs]
656
00:23:58,188 --> 00:23:59,939
I told that so many times,
I said it in my sleep
657
00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:01,232
and woke my girlfriend up.
658
00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:03,276
Well, she gets
to sleep with you,
659
00:24:03,276 --> 00:24:04,944
so she doesn't get to complain.
660
00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:07,906
Oh, come on, it's not
a Me Too if I do it!
661
00:24:07,906 --> 00:24:09,407
[laughter]
662
00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:11,242
No, but, seriously,
look at those arms.
663
00:24:11,242 --> 00:24:13,912
How much can you bench?
- Uh, bench--300, 310 pounds.
664
00:24:13,912 --> 00:24:15,663
What? No.
Prove it.
665
00:24:15,663 --> 00:24:17,415
Bench-press me.
666
00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:21,169
[cheers and applause]
667
00:24:21,169 --> 00:24:22,420
Shut up!
668
00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:25,048
Brad! Give it up for Brad!
669
00:24:25,048 --> 00:24:27,175
Whoo!
670
00:24:27,175 --> 00:24:30,345
Thank you, thank you.
671
00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:33,515
Thank you so much,
every one of you,
672
00:24:33,515 --> 00:24:35,350
for making it so special.
673
00:24:35,350 --> 00:24:37,227
Danny, thank you for loaning
me the chair for the night.
674
00:24:37,227 --> 00:24:39,020
He will be back tomorrow.
675
00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:42,899
All of you,
thank you, and good night.
676
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:45,235
You were great.
677
00:24:45,235 --> 00:24:48,238
[upbeat music playing]
678
00:24:48,238 --> 00:24:51,825
♪ ♪
679
00:24:51,825 --> 00:24:53,201
Phenomenal.
680
00:24:53,201 --> 00:24:54,786
That guy was, like,
really cute.
681
00:24:54,786 --> 00:24:56,496
- That was really good.
- Should I call him?
682
00:24:56,496 --> 00:24:58,289
She was great.
Unbelievably great.
683
00:24:58,289 --> 00:24:59,791
So good.
684
00:24:59,791 --> 00:25:01,918
[indistinct chatter]
685
00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:04,921
Thanks. Thank you.
686
00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:06,840
Oh, my God, Deborah.
687
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,093
That was--I mean,
what an incredible show.
688
00:25:10,093 --> 00:25:12,137
- Thanks. Thanks.
- You were just unbelievable.
689
00:25:12,137 --> 00:25:15,390
Thank you.
- Ah. Whew.
690
00:25:15,390 --> 00:25:17,809
Is it okay if I just
hang here for a minute?
691
00:25:17,809 --> 00:25:19,310
Oh, yeah, yeah,
take your time.
692
00:25:19,310 --> 00:25:21,312
I'll see you backstage.
- Absolutely.
693
00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:25,108
[indistinct chatter]
694
00:25:25,108 --> 00:25:27,819
[lights click]
695
00:25:29,404 --> 00:25:32,365
[soft music]
696
00:25:32,365 --> 00:25:39,497
♪ ♪
697
00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:52,927
[cheers and applause]
698
00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:55,680
[upbeat music playing]
699
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,767
[phone buzzing]
700
00:26:01,519 --> 00:26:03,021
Hi.
701
00:26:03,021 --> 00:26:05,190
You were right about
that last monologue joke.
702
00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:06,775
It killed.
- Told you so.
703
00:26:06,775 --> 00:26:08,526
And you did
a shockingly good job
704
00:26:08,526 --> 00:26:10,028
not kink-shaming cuck cages.
705
00:26:10,028 --> 00:26:11,321
Oh, I got another call.
[line beeping]
706
00:26:11,321 --> 00:26:12,530
Yeah.
I'm going to take this.
707
00:26:12,530 --> 00:26:14,199
Can you--
- Yeah, sure.
708
00:26:14,199 --> 00:26:15,825
Hello.
709
00:26:15,825 --> 00:26:17,535
Deborah, it's Danny Collins.
710
00:26:17,535 --> 00:26:19,537
Hey.
How are you feeling?
711
00:26:19,537 --> 00:26:21,373
Oh, not bad.
712
00:26:21,373 --> 00:26:22,874
In between having
my last rites read to me,
713
00:26:22,874 --> 00:26:24,376
I saw the show.
You did a hell of a job.
714
00:26:24,376 --> 00:26:26,294
Thank you.
715
00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:27,796
Seriously, you were
having so much fun up there.
716
00:26:27,796 --> 00:26:29,547
Yeah, well, it's a fun gig.
717
00:26:29,547 --> 00:26:31,341
Eh, at first.
718
00:26:31,341 --> 00:26:33,218
At this point, I'm basically
on cruise control.
719
00:26:33,218 --> 00:26:35,804
Between you and me
and my wife's divorce lawyer,
720
00:26:35,804 --> 00:26:37,889
I'm leaving when my contract
is up in a few months.
721
00:26:37,889 --> 00:26:39,557
Oh?
722
00:26:39,557 --> 00:26:41,518
It'll be
some other guy's show soon.
723
00:26:41,518 --> 00:26:43,228
Anyway, I just wanted to say
thank you for stepping up.
724
00:26:43,228 --> 00:26:45,105
Oh, my pleasure.
Anytime.
725
00:26:45,105 --> 00:26:47,065
[chuckles]
Thanks for calling, Danny.
726
00:26:47,065 --> 00:26:48,900
- Love you, Deborah.
- Okay.
727
00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,944
Bye.
728
00:26:50,944 --> 00:26:52,862
Ava.
729
00:26:52,862 --> 00:26:55,115
Yeah, that was definitely an
I'll-call-you-back situation.
730
00:26:55,115 --> 00:26:56,783
I know, I know, I'm sorry.
731
00:26:56,783 --> 00:26:58,618
Listen, you said you have
a hiatus coming up
732
00:26:58,618 --> 00:27:00,036
from your show, right?
733
00:27:00,036 --> 00:27:02,163
How long is it?
- Uh, three months.
734
00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:03,790
Do you have any plans?
735
00:27:08,211 --> 00:27:10,463
- Hey.
- Hey.
736
00:27:10,463 --> 00:27:13,008
I was thinking, do you think
it just makes more sense
737
00:27:13,008 --> 00:27:15,010
if I visit
for, like, a weekend,
738
00:27:15,010 --> 00:27:16,594
since you'll be working
so much?
739
00:27:16,594 --> 00:27:18,763
- What?
- Yeah.
740
00:27:18,763 --> 00:27:21,850
Um, this, uh--
this work thing came up.
741
00:27:21,850 --> 00:27:24,936
Shit. I mean, that's totally
fine if it's for work.
742
00:27:24,936 --> 00:27:26,271
Is it for the show?
743
00:27:26,271 --> 00:27:30,859
You know what?
It's actually, um...
744
00:27:30,859 --> 00:27:32,736
for Deborah.
745
00:27:32,736 --> 00:27:34,946
- Are you serious?
- I know. I know.
746
00:27:34,946 --> 00:27:37,949
But listen, they're replacing
the late show host,
747
00:27:37,949 --> 00:27:40,452
and I think she has
a real shot at it.
748
00:27:40,452 --> 00:27:43,079
She asked me to help her
just on my hiatus.
749
00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:45,915
But you'll be working
so much, right?
750
00:27:45,915 --> 00:27:48,710
So this could be good.
- Good for who?
751
00:27:48,710 --> 00:27:50,128
It's just
for a couple months.
752
00:27:50,128 --> 00:27:51,713
I don't care
how long it's for.
753
00:27:51,713 --> 00:27:53,715
I mean, she fired you
and then cut you off.
754
00:27:53,715 --> 00:27:55,258
That's fucked up.
755
00:27:55,258 --> 00:27:57,135
You couldn't stop talking
about it for months,
756
00:27:57,135 --> 00:27:58,678
about how unhealthy it was.
757
00:27:58,678 --> 00:28:00,847
And now we're finally
in a good place.
758
00:28:00,847 --> 00:28:02,640
It makes me feel like
you're more serious about her
759
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,393
than you are about your job,
our life here, me.
760
00:28:05,393 --> 00:28:07,604
What?
What are you talking about?
761
00:28:07,604 --> 00:28:09,314
I'm so serious about you.
762
00:28:09,314 --> 00:28:11,816
I mean, we're getting married.
763
00:28:13,026 --> 00:28:14,319
- What?
- What?
764
00:28:14,319 --> 00:28:16,071
I found the ring, okay?
765
00:28:16,071 --> 00:28:18,573
Ava, what are you
talking about?
766
00:28:18,573 --> 00:28:20,408
Oh.
767
00:28:20,408 --> 00:28:21,826
Ava.
768
00:28:21,826 --> 00:28:23,661
Here.
769
00:28:23,661 --> 00:28:26,456
Ask me.
I'll say yes.
770
00:28:26,456 --> 00:28:28,249
- Oh, my God.
- Or I can ask you.
771
00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:31,169
We're gay.
There are no rules.
772
00:28:31,169 --> 00:28:33,004
- Oh, my God.
- Ruby Rojas...
773
00:28:33,004 --> 00:28:35,131
from the first time I saw you
at Little Dom's--
774
00:28:35,131 --> 00:28:37,509
Oh, my God, Ava, stop.
Stop. Okay, stop.
775
00:28:37,509 --> 00:28:41,346
[sighs]
This ring is from the show.
776
00:28:41,346 --> 00:28:43,682
This is how Wolf Girl
gets her powers.
777
00:28:43,682 --> 00:28:45,684
I have it here to help me
get into character.
778
00:28:45,684 --> 00:28:47,560
And I have to wear it
to practice
779
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,020
while I'm wielding the flail.
780
00:28:53,358 --> 00:28:55,068
Huh.
781
00:28:55,068 --> 00:28:56,528
I'm gonna stand up.
782
00:28:56,528 --> 00:28:58,446
I knew you didn't read
the graphic novel.
783
00:28:58,446 --> 00:29:00,949
I don't know how to follow
the fucking boxes.
784
00:29:00,949 --> 00:29:03,159
Wait.
You want to get married?
785
00:29:03,159 --> 00:29:04,786
- I thought so.
- You thought so?
786
00:29:04,786 --> 00:29:06,746
- I misunderstood.
- Uh-huh.
787
00:29:06,746 --> 00:29:08,957
Listen, this has gotten
completely out of hand.
788
00:29:08,957 --> 00:29:10,750
- Yeah.
- And I'm sorry about the trip.
789
00:29:10,750 --> 00:29:12,293
I'm sorry I just proposed.
790
00:29:12,293 --> 00:29:14,087
But it's different this time.
791
00:29:14,087 --> 00:29:15,839
I'm just going to be working
with her temporarily.
792
00:29:15,839 --> 00:29:18,049
You're not going to
be working with her.
793
00:29:18,049 --> 00:29:19,551
You're going to be
working for her.
794
00:29:19,551 --> 00:29:21,386
You'll always be
working for her.
795
00:29:21,386 --> 00:29:23,013
You're making this
such a bigger deal
796
00:29:23,013 --> 00:29:24,723
than it needs to be.
797
00:29:24,723 --> 00:29:26,558
You're canceling our plans
to go work with someone
798
00:29:26,558 --> 00:29:28,685
who was borderline abusive
because she might get a job.
799
00:29:28,685 --> 00:29:31,855
Look, I know that
you respect this person.
800
00:29:31,855 --> 00:29:34,190
And I know you're proud
of the work you did together,
801
00:29:34,190 --> 00:29:36,359
but it was also really hard,
802
00:29:36,359 --> 00:29:38,570
and not just
when she fired you--
803
00:29:38,570 --> 00:29:40,155
the whole time.
804
00:29:40,155 --> 00:29:42,198
She slapped you.
She sued you.
805
00:29:42,198 --> 00:29:43,742
You said she was toxic.
806
00:29:43,742 --> 00:29:45,744
I said that stuff
when I was mad at her.
807
00:29:45,744 --> 00:29:47,746
I'm so sorry.
You just don't get it.
808
00:29:47,746 --> 00:29:50,749
[scoffs]
809
00:29:50,749 --> 00:29:52,709
Yeah.
810
00:29:52,709 --> 00:29:54,794
I guess I don't get it.
811
00:29:54,794 --> 00:29:57,088
Fuck.
812
00:29:58,715 --> 00:30:00,759
[inhales deeply]
813
00:30:00,759 --> 00:30:02,635
I think we need to take
some space.
814
00:30:02,635 --> 00:30:04,054
What?
No.
815
00:30:04,054 --> 00:30:05,972
Come on.
[scoffs]
816
00:30:05,972 --> 00:30:07,432
Yeah.
817
00:30:07,432 --> 00:30:09,934
I'll, um, I'll go
to Iceland alone.
818
00:30:09,934 --> 00:30:12,812
And, um...
819
00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:15,190
you do your thing.
820
00:30:15,190 --> 00:30:18,860
And we'll see where we're at
when we're back...
821
00:30:18,860 --> 00:30:21,279
if you're back.
822
00:30:21,279 --> 00:30:23,114
- Ruby.
- No.
823
00:30:23,114 --> 00:30:25,075
Are you serious?
824
00:30:25,075 --> 00:30:27,952
[cover of Steely Dan's
"Dirty Work"]
825
00:30:27,952 --> 00:30:35,085
♪ ♪
826
00:30:59,984 --> 00:31:01,611
♪ Times are hard ♪
827
00:31:01,611 --> 00:31:04,823
♪ You're afraid
to pay the fee ♪
828
00:31:04,823 --> 00:31:07,575
♪ So you find yourself
somebody ♪
829
00:31:07,575 --> 00:31:11,371
♪ Who can do the job
for free ♪
830
00:31:11,371 --> 00:31:13,164
[doorbell rings]
831
00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:16,459
♪ When you need
a bit of lovin' ♪
832
00:31:16,459 --> 00:31:18,837
♪ 'Cause your man
is out of town ♪
833
00:31:18,837 --> 00:31:20,964
♪ That's the time... ♪
834
00:31:20,964 --> 00:31:23,591
- Welcome back.
- [laughs]
835
00:31:23,591 --> 00:31:26,678
♪ And you know
I'll be around ♪
836
00:31:26,678 --> 00:31:28,346
Shoes off.
837
00:31:28,346 --> 00:31:32,100
♪ I'm a fool
to do your dirty work ♪
838
00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:34,269
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
839
00:31:34,269 --> 00:31:38,857
♪ I don't want to do
your dirty work ♪
840
00:31:38,857 --> 00:31:41,484
♪ No more ♪
841
00:31:41,484 --> 00:31:45,196
♪ I'm a fool to do
your dirty work ♪
842
00:31:45,196 --> 00:31:48,033
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
843
00:31:48,033 --> 00:31:51,870
♪ I don't want to do
your dirty work ♪
844
00:31:51,870 --> 00:31:54,581
♪ No more ♪
845
00:31:54,581 --> 00:31:58,126
♪ I'm a fool to do
your dirty work ♪
846
00:31:58,126 --> 00:32:00,295
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
847
00:32:00,295 --> 00:32:07,385
♪ ♪
848
00:32:26,613 --> 00:32:30,367
♪ I'm a fool to do
your dirty work ♪
849
00:32:30,367 --> 00:32:33,161
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
850
00:32:33,161 --> 00:32:37,165
♪ I don't want to
do your dirty work ♪
851
00:32:37,165 --> 00:32:39,918
♪ No more ♪
852
00:32:39,918 --> 00:32:43,755
♪ I don't want to do
your dirty work ♪
853
00:32:43,755 --> 00:32:46,174
♪ No more ♪
854
00:32:46,174 --> 00:32:49,928
♪ I'm a fool to do
your dirty work ♪
855
00:32:49,928 --> 00:32:52,347
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
856
00:32:52,347 --> 00:32:54,432
♪ I don't want... ♪