1 00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:05,255 [Mondo Cozmo's "Plastic Soul"] 2 00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:06,506 [cell phone chimes] 3 00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:10,468 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:10,468 --> 00:00:13,471 I did a benefit with Shaquille O'Neal yesterday. 5 00:00:13,471 --> 00:00:14,973 Oh, yeah? 6 00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:16,725 Yeah. And I swear to God, 7 00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:18,810 your hands are bigger than his. 8 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,729 [chuckles] 9 00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:23,940 Should I do stock market? 10 00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:26,818 Yes. Why the hell wouldn't you? 11 00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,570 I like having all my money in checking, 12 00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:29,988 so when I get a receipt at the ATM, 13 00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,990 I see a high number. 14 00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:34,117 And, uh--Deborah? 15 00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:36,870 Oh, sorry. I-- 16 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,122 I've been approached about doing a podcast. 17 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:42,417 I got to say, very impressed you don't have one. 18 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,461 [indistinct excited chatter] - I know, right? 19 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,171 Thank you so much. 20 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,839 [indistinct conversation] 21 00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,841 No, no, thank you. 22 00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:52,302 [chuckles] 23 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:55,430 I'm cooking dinner for Ruby tonight. 24 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:58,016 Did you know you can make dressing? 25 00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,810 It doesn't just come as dressing in a bottle. 26 00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:02,479 Of course. 27 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:04,647 I travel with my own balsamic. 28 00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,649 I'd be selling it, too, if goddamn Newman 29 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:07,942 hadn't cornered the market. 30 00:01:07,942 --> 00:01:09,277 [chuckles] 31 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,112 [car horns honking] 32 00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:12,614 Sorry. Sorry. 33 00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:14,824 ♪ ♪ 34 00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:16,618 [indistinct speech] 35 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,203 What time were you born? 36 00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:19,704 I wanna look at your birth chart to see 37 00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:22,290 what houses your planets are in. 38 00:01:22,290 --> 00:01:23,708 Don't know, but I can tell you 39 00:01:23,708 --> 00:01:25,502 what cities my houses are in-- 40 00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:27,504 uh, Vegas, Aspen, LA, 41 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:28,880 Jackson Hole, Palm Beach, 42 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,216 and if penthouses count, Dubai. 43 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,011 Remind me, do you observe Lent? 44 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,180 Absolutely not. 45 00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:38,807 Do you? 46 00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,103 Hi, honey, it's Josefina. 47 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,688 Deborah took an Ambien 48 00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:47,232 but will text you in the morning... 49 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:50,402 or in the afternoon if it was 20 milligrams. 50 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,903 Good night. 51 00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:56,074 ♪ ♪ 52 00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:59,077 ♪ Whenever I think of her ♪ 53 00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:00,995 ♪ ♪ 54 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,664 [dog snores] 55 00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:08,294 Hey, quiet on set. We're close. 56 00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:11,256 Hey, Deborah, I'm Mark, the first AD. 57 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,590 - Yeah. - We're almost ready to go. 58 00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:14,134 We're just waiting on the fountains. 59 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,261 Can we get your stand-in so you're out of the sun? 60 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,054 Oh, no, it's fine, baby. I've got an umbrella coming in. 61 00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,347 - Okay. - Move it! 62 00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:20,432 [umbrella opens] 63 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,685 [giggles] Hi. 64 00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:25,270 Hi. - Thanks. 65 00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:27,105 So I bumped into the booker for late night, 66 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,566 and he said again how much they'd love to have you on. 67 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:30,775 Eh, no. 68 00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:32,110 I-I got too much going on. 69 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:34,404 Really? Because you did make time 70 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:37,032 to do this ad for the Vegas Chamber of Commerce. 71 00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:39,576 I love Vegas. I love commerce. 72 00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,327 Let's just pass on it for now. 73 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:42,954 This is the fourth time they've asked. 74 00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:44,622 And your special was a year ago now. 75 00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:46,082 They're not gonna ask again, 76 00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:47,625 and I really think this is the moment. 77 00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,210 - The answer is no. - No means no, Jimmy. 78 00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,462 Get over it. 79 00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:51,963 I got you, girl. 80 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:54,883 Okay, yes, but I need you to explain why. 81 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,551 - [sighs] - I can't keep passing 82 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,136 on something that I think as your manager 83 00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,637 you should be doing. 84 00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:03,391 That's the show I almost hosted, Jimmy. 85 00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:06,978 After my special, everybody knows how badly I wanted that. 86 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:09,856 So if I go on the show and I don't kill... 87 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,900 it's like, you know, of course she isn't hosting. 88 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,444 She's not even a good guest. 89 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,112 Oh. 90 00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:17,697 What? 91 00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:19,616 That's just kind of lame of you. 92 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,992 [scoffs] Excuse me? 93 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,952 Spicy boy. 94 00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:24,829 Deborah, of course you're gonna kill. 95 00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:26,498 You always kill. All you need to do 96 00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:28,416 is tell a good story, and I bet you have binders 97 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:31,252 full of amazing stories to tell. 98 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,171 - Rolodexes. - See? All right, you know, 99 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,006 I'm just gonna tell 'em you're gonna do it, unless you want me 100 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,716 to offer them Vanna White singing "We Are The World." 101 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,551 In C flat. Do you guys want to hear it? 102 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:40,595 She sent me a voice memo of the whole thing. 103 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,472 both: No. 104 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,890 Fine, I'll do it. 105 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,058 Tell them I'll do it. both: Yes. 106 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,476 Okay, this is a good decision 107 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,186 that was very simple. I'm glad we... 108 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,187 - We're ready! - Worked it out. 109 00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:50,355 Okay, we're ready. 110 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,691 Break a leg, girl. - Whoo! 111 00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:54,943 We're ready. 112 00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,445 - Background. - Background! 113 00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:58,446 And action. 114 00:03:58,446 --> 00:04:00,448 The shopping! 115 00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:02,200 Cut. 116 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,870 We got it. That is a wrap on Deborah. 117 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,747 - Hey, hey, eye. - What? Are you okay? 118 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,582 - Watch my eye. Yeah. - Jimmy, where's the car? 119 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,543 - It's right over here. - Come here, queen. 120 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,378 All right, we had them double-park. 121 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:17,382 ♪ Love is not a stranger anymore ♪ 122 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:20,468 [moaning, gasping] 123 00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,855 Okay, so Tripadvisor is-- 124 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,064 Oh, my God, can I just have... 125 00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:34,482 - Oh. - Like, one second? 126 00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:35,900 Yeah, sorry. 127 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,865 - [sighs] - Okay, so Tripadvisor is-- 128 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:44,659 [laughter] 129 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:47,120 Sorry, but if we want to stay in a gligloo 130 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,913 when we're in Iceland, all the reviews are saying 131 00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,540 that we need to book now. 132 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:51,833 A gligloo? 133 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,376 - Glam igloo. - Oh. 134 00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:55,086 - Could be chic. - Mm-hmm. 135 00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:58,256 I know the show hasn't given you your dates yet, but-- 136 00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:00,091 Just book it. 137 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:02,344 - Are you sure? - Yeah. 138 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,262 Let's do whatever you want. 139 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:06,890 You're spending your whole hiatus where I'm shooting. 140 00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,017 I'll tell them they have to work around it, 141 00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,477 and they'll just have to deal. 142 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,145 Okay. 143 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:16,024 Very hot number-one-on-the- call-sheet energy, baby. 144 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:19,152 [laughter] 145 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,695 ♪ Oh, baby ♪ 146 00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:23,156 ♪ You got me ♪ 147 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:26,117 ♪ Now that you're all alone ♪ 148 00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,703 ♪ Can't you see what you're doing to me baby ♪ 149 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:30,080 ♪ Oh, baby ♪ 150 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,748 [chattering] - Deborah, right here. 151 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:35,377 We've got Arnold, Carmen, and Carmen's cousin. 152 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:36,419 Arnold. 153 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:37,587 Oh, my goodness. 154 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:38,963 Oh, and the cousins are here. 155 00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:40,757 Hey, Deborah, looking gorgeous. 156 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:42,550 Can you just write, to Kevin, 157 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:45,595 congrats on your gastric bypass. 158 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:48,181 - Hope this one sticks, honey. - Oh, thank you so much. 159 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,433 Deb, I found out our dogs go to the same groomer. 160 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,560 - What's this? - It's a candle. 161 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,895 This is two chins ago. 162 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:54,896 I never would have approved this. 163 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:55,980 Where'd you get it? 164 00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:57,232 I bought it off of Etsy. 165 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,733 Who the fuck is Betsy? 166 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,652 No, Etsy, it's a website. 167 00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,487 There's a lot of DV merch on there. 168 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,572 I actually just bought a replica 169 00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,783 of your birth certificate. 170 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,284 Damien! 171 00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,911 - I'm right here. - Did you know about this? 172 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,287 No. 173 00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:12,872 I'm taking this. 174 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,794 She took my candle. 175 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,462 [laughter] 176 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:20,922 Let's call Grandma. 177 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,340 [Clarence Reid's "Miss Hot Stuff"] 178 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,259 ♪ Miss hot stuff ♪ 179 00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:26,594 ♪ I'm hot for you ♪ 180 00:06:26,594 --> 00:06:27,971 ♪ Miss hot stuff ♪ 181 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,139 ♪ Yes ♪ 182 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,474 ♪ I'm hot for you ♪ 183 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,018 [papers thud loudly] 184 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,477 And what are these? 185 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,354 These are websites I printed out. 186 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:38,606 Oh. Good? 187 00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:41,109 Do you know how many sellers there are on Etsy 188 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,862 making a profit off my name and likeness? 189 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,572 - I don't. - Look at this first one. 190 00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,490 This is a throw pillow. 191 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,744 Okay, it says, tax loopholes are my love language. 192 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:53,038 Now, that's true, but, I mean, I didn't authorize this. 193 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,414 Did you? 194 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,249 No, but now I want this pillow. 195 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,668 It's not funny, Marcus. This needs to stop now. 196 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,545 Okay, okay, I'll get on it. 197 00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:01,963 Look at this. 198 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,506 It's a coffee cup that says, 199 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,885 I'm so old, I went apple picking with Eve. 200 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:09,637 I mean, I like the joke, but I hate that font. 201 00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,640 [funk music] 202 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:19,731 ♪ ♪ 203 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,163 [gasps] 204 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:38,166 [soft music] 205 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:44,714 ♪ ♪ 206 00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:47,175 Okay. 207 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,888 [The 5th Dimension's "Feelin' Alright?"] 208 00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:56,017 ♪ I've got to leave before I start to scream ♪ 209 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,936 [laughing] 210 00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:01,606 ♪ Someone locked the door and took the keys ♪ 211 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:07,112 ♪ Are you feeling all right? Uh-huh ♪ 212 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,948 ♪ I ain't feeling that good myself now ♪ 213 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:12,617 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 214 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:14,703 ♪ Feeling all right ♪ 215 00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:17,414 Okay. 216 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,374 This is your last late night story. 217 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,251 You've gone through the whole Rolodex? 218 00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:24,838 Uh-huh. It's USO debacle in Germany. 219 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,715 That's a good one, but that hinges 220 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,675 on the Berlin Wall still being erect. 221 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,510 I just think you do the other one, 222 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,388 change Studio 54 to Buddha Bar and Quaaludes to fentanyl. 223 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:35,557 Oh, that is sad. 224 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,475 Buddha Bar is no Studio 54. 225 00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:39,477 - Yeah, sure. - God damn it. 226 00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,813 Martha Stewart is so lucky she went to jail. 227 00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,648 I mean, that shit's evergreen. 228 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,817 Why don't you tell a more recent story? 229 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:48,069 You can talk about your new horsehair bed from Austria. 230 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,821 Remember when we thought it wouldn't fit 231 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,990 through the window but then it did? 232 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,242 Yeah, very relatable. 233 00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,161 Are you sure you didn't miss anything in there? 234 00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:57,620 Let me check. 235 00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,122 Did it, did it. 236 00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:02,834 Oh, Benihana's with O.J. Simpson. 237 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,712 No. - Forget it. 238 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,464 You know what? 239 00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:11,176 I'm going to make a new story. 240 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,635 [knocking] 241 00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:15,972 [funky music] 242 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,640 Scott Thompson? 243 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,267 Carrot Top, yeah. How can I help you? 244 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,977 As you know, this land has been zoned 245 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,729 a historic environmental preservation zone. 246 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,397 We're going to need you to vacate 247 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,107 the premises immediately so we can begin demolition. 248 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,234 Demolition? What the fuck are you talking about? 249 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,402 Yes, sir. There was a city council meeting 250 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,237 where this was discussed. 251 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,822 No one has ever discussed anything with me about any-- 252 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,616 Please put whatever belongings 253 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:35,992 will fit into this bag. - Are you fucking kidding me? 254 00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,994 Demolition will begin in 20 minutes. 255 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:40,330 20 minutes? This is a joke. 256 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:41,873 Mr. Top, we sent several notices. 257 00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:43,541 You didn't send jack shit, and I don't think 258 00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:45,168 you have the right fucking house. 259 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,003 See if you have the right fucking house on there. 260 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,506 - 1929 Chickasaw Way. - God damn it! 261 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,341 [whistles] [engine turning over] 262 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:52,884 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 263 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:55,387 Wait, no, stop, you can't do this! 264 00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:59,683 Wait! - [laughs] 265 00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,351 I got you. I got you. 266 00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,228 - Deborah? - Oh, thanks so much. 267 00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:04,771 I needed a story for late night. 268 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:07,065 This is going to play like gangbusters. 269 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,025 Do not have anything better to do with your time? 270 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,152 What the fuck is wrong with you? 271 00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:12,487 Oh, lighten up. 272 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,072 What's wrong with me? 273 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,615 What's wrong with your landscaper? 274 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,034 Look at this shrub. It's dead. 275 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,744 I should take that out. 276 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,830 Jesus. No, stop it. 277 00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,331 Stop, stop, stop! 278 00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:25,375 I fucking love that bush! 279 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:31,423 ♪ ♪ 280 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,095 Marcus. 281 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:39,389 Ezekiel. 282 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,850 So you're "DebbieTwoTon," huh? 283 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:44,561 Mm-hmm. 284 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:48,231 Ezekiel, do you know what this is? 285 00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:50,775 - A candle. - But who is on the candle? 286 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,277 The greatest living comedian of our time. 287 00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,862 You have a problem. 288 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,864 First of all, this candle is not soy based. 289 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:57,240 That's going to be a dirty burn. 290 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,867 Fuck. 291 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,535 But your real problem is that you're running 292 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,454 an Etsy store selling unauthorized merchandise. 293 00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:05,457 And my very litigious business associate can sue you 294 00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,334 for trademark infringement. 295 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:10,545 It would be an honor to be in litigation with Deborah. 296 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:13,465 And, also, I will not be policed by some straight guy 297 00:11:13,465 --> 00:11:15,342 who doesn't get it because he's not even a fan. 298 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,468 I'm not straight. 299 00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,928 Prove it. 300 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:22,557 And just so you know, I am the original fan. 301 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:24,893 I created the first Deborah Vance merchandise. 302 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,603 I am the original fan. 303 00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:28,521 I've seen every one of her specials over 40 times. 304 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,857 Okay. Then what was her most well-attended overseas show? 305 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,359 Stockholm '97. Her birthday. 306 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,860 Her real birthday. 307 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,403 Same day, two years earlier. Bra size? 308 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,905 None. She does custom. 309 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,740 What's her favorite food if calories don't count? 310 00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,575 Potatoes dauphinoise. If calories do count? 311 00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:42,160 Endive salad, no croutons. 312 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,578 Okay. 313 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:44,829 What's her favorite snack? 314 00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,581 Ezekiel, that's a trick question. 315 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:48,333 Deborah Vance doesn't snack, 316 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,834 but she's contractually obligated to say-- 317 00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,294 both: Wheat Thins. 318 00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:53,672 - Are you as turned on as I am? - No. 319 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:56,132 You have 48 hours to fulfill all outstanding orders, 320 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,468 and then you will shut this site down. 321 00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,679 I had no choice. 322 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,973 I have always wanted a Deborah Vance tour jacket, 323 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:06,518 and they were always too small. 324 00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:09,646 So I made some in my size, and they sold out within a day. 325 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:12,148 There is a community of people out there 326 00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:16,653 who are hungry for this stuff, and I gave it to them. 327 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:20,615 Then, naturally, I branched out into unlicensed cookbooks, 328 00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,534 oven mitts, cell phone cases. 329 00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,994 You know, the more you talk, the stronger my lawsuit gets. 330 00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,746 Okay, okay. 331 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,958 But if I don't do it, someone else will. 332 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,335 [sighs] Good day, Ezekiel. 333 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:38,091 ♪ ♪ 334 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,885 [vocalizing] 335 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,387 Here we go. Come on. Keep going. 336 00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:43,388 Nice. 337 00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,015 - Hey. - Hey. 338 00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,225 Made you something. Matcha. 339 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,019 Oh, thanks. Put it over on the big tire. 340 00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:50,729 [panting] 341 00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:52,063 And time. [device beeps] 342 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:53,732 Good. Go right into squat jumps. 343 00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,316 Down, explode. Nice. 344 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,736 So I was just thinking, maybe we should get 345 00:12:57,736 --> 00:13:00,572 some new silverware. 346 00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:02,365 [panting] Yeah, sure. 347 00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:03,908 You have 15 seconds. Push. 348 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:05,744 It's just that I have my silverware, 349 00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:07,412 and you have your silverware, 350 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,747 but I just thought it would be nice 351 00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,749 if we had, like, our silverware. 352 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:13,209 Yeah, sure. New silverware. 353 00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,003 Time. Nice. Back on the rope. [device beeps] 354 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,629 Back on the rope. Right to it. 355 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,591 Okay. Enjoy your matcha. 356 00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,301 Don't know why she's doing all that. 357 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,594 Perfect the way she is. 358 00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:26,431 Love you. 359 00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:27,891 And time. [device beeps] 360 00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:30,810 [grunts] 361 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,104 She has scoliosis. [door opens] 362 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,230 I know. 363 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,648 Ready for the bike? 364 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,650 I'm ready. - Yeah. 365 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,612 And then I told him we could sue him if he didn't stop. 366 00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:42,739 Good. That should settle it. 367 00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:45,116 But then he said something interesting. 368 00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,619 Basically, people were asking him to make these products. 369 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,746 He was only meeting a demand that was already there. 370 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,623 So? 371 00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,417 So I think we should bring him in and the other sellers. 372 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,960 They understand the Deborah Vance marketplace, 373 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,629 because they are the marketplace. 374 00:13:57,629 --> 00:14:00,590 Oh, so we bring them in, and then we sue them. 375 00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:01,966 No, no. 376 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,135 We bring in the independent creators, 377 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,721 and we spotlight them on QVC. 378 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,139 Listen, we've had an amazing year. 379 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,724 Your profile is raised, 380 00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:11,476 and that's been hugely helpful for the company. 381 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,311 But if we want to really scale up, 382 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:15,313 we've got to start branching out and putting your stamp 383 00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,940 of approval on outside products, 384 00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,733 the way Oprah did with her Favorite Things. 385 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,610 - I like Oprah. - Everyone does. 386 00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:23,613 But this would be a special hour every week on QVC 387 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:26,199 devoted to the House of Vance. 388 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:29,536 And for every sale, we get a cut, naturally. 389 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,329 And after that, we sue them. 390 00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:33,456 Oh, Jesus, I'm kidding. 391 00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:35,500 But I'm afraid that QVC might think 392 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,085 we're diluting the brand. 393 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,628 I mean, it could backfire. 394 00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,171 It won't. 395 00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:41,589 Trust me. 396 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,091 Okay. [chuckles] 397 00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:45,010 Let's pitch it on Monday's call. 398 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,469 All right. 399 00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:49,639 [bright music] 400 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:54,102 ♪ ♪ 401 00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:55,353 Hello. 402 00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:57,355 Yeah, mama. 403 00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:00,025 - So how you feeling? - Really good. 404 00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:02,527 You were right. This is the right moment to do this. 405 00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:03,945 - Definitely. - It's going to kill. 406 00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,864 - All gold. - Kill. 407 00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,657 - Is that hazelnut coffee? - Yeah. 408 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:10,702 - Yeah. - Oh. 409 00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,537 And then I went right over his shrubs. 410 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,330 I guess you could say I trimmed Carrot's top. 411 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,707 [laughs] - Fun. 412 00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:17,250 - Does that work? - Yeah, that's fun. 413 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,210 [knock at door] - Hey, so, little problem. 414 00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:22,047 Danny's got salmonella from the egg toss 415 00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,923 he did with Christiane Amanpour yesterday. 416 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,009 We have to cancel and air a rerun. 417 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,344 No. Oh. 418 00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:28,803 Really sorry, Deborah. 419 00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,889 Shit, I've got to release the audience. 420 00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:32,932 Shit, will you guys excuse me a minute? 421 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:36,895 Wait, hey, um, what if Deborah guest-hosts? 422 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,688 I mean, Danny's a fan, right? 423 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:41,649 And you know she'd be great. She almost hosted herself. 424 00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,902 Would you? 425 00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,653 [scoffs] Yeah, I can do that. 426 00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,405 Okay. 427 00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:49,074 Um, I have to get approval from Winnie Landell, but-- 428 00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:51,242 Oh, my God, Winnie Landell, I know her. 429 00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:53,244 We met in Montreal. - Okay. 430 00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:54,913 Yeah, yeah. 431 00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:57,207 We're going to have to move really fast if this is-- 432 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:58,750 Yeah, let's go. Where are my writers? 433 00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,752 You made them wait outside because they have 434 00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:02,921 hazelnut coffee breath. 435 00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,589 - Well, find some mints. - Mints. 436 00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,257 We have a monologue to write. 437 00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,259 We're going to need a guest for the second act. 438 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,844 You know, let us help with that. 439 00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:10,887 We can help. - Yeah, we can help with that. 440 00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,889 Get--get-- 441 00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:15,558 ♪ Give me some more of that funky good loving ♪ 442 00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:17,352 We have some pitches that we think 443 00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:19,104 you're really going to like, Deborah. 444 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,523 Great, great. Okay. Well, we don't have much time, 445 00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,024 so there's no such thing as a bad idea. 446 00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,734 Let's hear them. - John. 447 00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,820 So maybe an in-studio sketch where you try not to set 448 00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,572 your desk on fire but can't. - Uh-huh. 449 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:31,157 Because of the whole, like, burning-down-the-house thing. 450 00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,450 Yeah, I got it. I got it. 451 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,327 Anything else? 452 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,413 What about a desk piece where you go through celebrities 453 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,707 and guess their favorite sex position? 454 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:41,543 Like Daniel Radcliffe's could be Dobby style. 455 00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:43,003 [chuckles] - What? 456 00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,630 Like doggy style... 457 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,465 but Dobby. 458 00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,634 So how long till we tape, again? 459 00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:51,386 About an hour. 460 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,805 Yeah. - Yeah. 461 00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:55,598 What if we put you in a Lincoln hat, 462 00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,642 and you punch a sack of corn? 463 00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,644 No, no, no. I totally get it. It's fine. 464 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,646 We'll circle back. Okay, all right, bye. 465 00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,440 Shit, she's in New York. 466 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,984 - What about your mom? - No. 467 00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:08,820 My mom's Deidre Hall from "Days of Our Lives." 468 00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,572 Honestly, she's always camera ready, 469 00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,157 but I'm not sure it's worth it. 470 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,409 Oh, my God, Reese Witherspoon, I love her. 471 00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:16,244 Do you have a connection to her? 472 00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,829 I feel like I do. I love her. 473 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,289 I just said that. 474 00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,374 Someone needs to listen. 475 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,419 What if you sing? 476 00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:27,380 You know, you could really show off your musical-comedy chops. 477 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,382 Musical comedy is an oxymoron. 478 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,259 Yes, of course. 479 00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,886 What about a desk piece, and we call "Deb-it or Credit." 480 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,679 Good, good. So what is it? 481 00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,264 Oh, I don't know. 482 00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:38,641 I was just seeing if you liked the title first. 483 00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:41,895 Oh, oh, you wear a wig, right? 484 00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,063 Yes. 485 00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,773 Maybe something with that? 486 00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:48,234 Something with wigs? 487 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:49,861 Yeah. 488 00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,863 [phone buzzing] 489 00:17:51,863 --> 00:17:53,323 Hey. 490 00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:54,824 Yeah, hi, this is going to be quick, 491 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,868 because I don't have much time. - Okay. 492 00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,204 Loving this energy. Very "Bourne Identity." 493 00:17:59,204 --> 00:18:01,039 Well, listen, Danny Collins is out sick. 494 00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:02,332 Oh, shit. 495 00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,958 But trimming Carrot Top's bush. 496 00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,877 Yeah, I know, I know. But listen. 497 00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:08,546 I'm going to guest host. And so that's happening. 498 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:11,007 - Oh, my God, that's amazing. - Yeah. 499 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:14,302 We're throwing together a show, like, right now, now. 500 00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:18,348 So would it be okay if I, uh, 501 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:21,685 you know, asked you your opinion about a joke? 502 00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:24,354 - Sure. - Okay, thanks. How's this? 503 00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:25,730 Danny has salmonella. 504 00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:27,482 The good news is, no one can directly 505 00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:29,776 connect me with the purchase of any toxic chemicals. 506 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,529 What about the good news is, we're saving the network money 507 00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,364 'cause I only cost 80 cents on the dollar. 508 00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:35,740 [laughs] That's good. 509 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,784 That's good. I like that. 510 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,286 Well, I'm getting a lot of texts here from my mom. 511 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,788 She's wondering if she can get a car and driver to the show 512 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,164 and then keep it after. 513 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,625 His mom has an incredible body. 514 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,335 Kayla, I don't want to hear that, though. 515 00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:48,878 - It's a compliment. - Please. 516 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,547 What? Perfect ass. 517 00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,674 Kayla, this is my mother you're talking about. 518 00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:55,593 You're giving me a bad taste in my mouth. 519 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,345 Stop talking about my mom. 520 00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,888 Okay, sorry that I complimented your mom's body. 521 00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,765 You never say anything about my mom's body. 522 00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:02,392 It would be wildly inappropriate if I did. 523 00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:03,768 Why would I talk about your mother's body? 524 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,353 She's cute. 525 00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:06,938 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be funny. 526 00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,065 And--yes. And for a desk piece. 527 00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,567 Oh, the visual. 528 00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,110 The visual would be great. - Oh, my God. 529 00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:13,361 And then we could tag it with-- 530 00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:14,946 [laughs] Yes, oh, that's perfect. 531 00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:17,282 Yes. Oh, my God, that's the perfect opener. 532 00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:18,616 Thank you. 533 00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:23,371 [sighs] 534 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:27,125 Look, I know you probably can't, but... 535 00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:30,128 it'd be so much easier if you just came here. 536 00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:35,091 Hello? [line beeps] 537 00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:37,177 [sighs] 538 00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:42,182 Sorry. Lost service in the elevator. 539 00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:44,684 Okay. So, yeah, I think that works for the opener, 540 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,728 but then I think you got to go right into the Danny stuff. 541 00:19:46,728 --> 00:19:48,355 Okay. Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right. 542 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:49,939 Okay, but the poison line, is that too lateral? 543 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:51,483 No, no, I don't think you need it at all. 544 00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:54,110 Okay, last question before she agrees. 545 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,195 Does the hair and makeup department 546 00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,321 use cruelty-free products? 547 00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:57,489 I mean, I'll ask. 548 00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:58,823 I'm just going to get her here. 549 00:19:58,823 --> 00:19:59,949 I'll figure it out. - Guess what. 550 00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:01,159 What? 551 00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:02,786 We do not have to worry anymore. 552 00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:03,953 We don't need a guest. Deborah figured it out. 553 00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,663 Well, what's the idea? 554 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:07,123 She did not tell me. She actually said to get away. 555 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,333 So... [laughs] 556 00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:09,918 But I think it's going to be good. 557 00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:11,628 We don't need to worry. [phone buzzes] 558 00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,129 Well, this is going to suck. Would you excuse me? 559 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,839 Hey, Mommy. 560 00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,676 Yeah, it turns out they do test on animals, big-time. 561 00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:19,719 I know. 562 00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:23,973 She said Kinos only. No LEDs. 2,900 Kelvin. 563 00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,183 And move "A" camera 30 degrees clockwise 564 00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:26,768 so we get more of her good side. 565 00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,353 And do you have any copper-colored lav mics? 566 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:30,063 If not, I'm going to need a can of spray paint. 567 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,856 ♪ ♪ 568 00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,817 Hanging there, sweetheart, to the right. 569 00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:35,485 You see it hanging there? The pink. 570 00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:36,653 The pink. 571 00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,279 Perfect, perfect, perfect. 572 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,573 Good evening. How's everyone doing tonight? 573 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,117 Good, good. 574 00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,493 Sorry, I think you got to make that bigger. 575 00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:45,203 Yeah. 576 00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:47,956 Yeah, her text font is, like, double the size of that. 577 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,167 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 578 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,919 These are going to block her good side. 579 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:55,380 I need those on the back wall. Small ones over there. 580 00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,800 Okay. 581 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,885 Are you ready to be the best audience 582 00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:03,221 late night has ever heard? 583 00:21:03,221 --> 00:21:06,182 [cheers and applause] 584 00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:09,185 [soft music] 585 00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:12,814 ♪ ♪ 586 00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:15,942 [sighs] 587 00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:22,866 [warm-up comic speaks indistinctly] 588 00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:25,702 [cheers and applause] 589 00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,706 Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host, 590 00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:31,207 Deborah Vance! 591 00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:34,210 [upbeat music] 592 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,297 ♪ ♪ 593 00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:39,132 Thank you. 594 00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:42,052 ♪ ♪ 595 00:21:42,052 --> 00:21:44,721 - Colors look amazing. - Thank you so much. 596 00:21:44,721 --> 00:21:47,307 As you might know, Danny is out with a health issue. 597 00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:48,850 And out of respect for his privacy, 598 00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:50,643 I can't say much more than that. 599 00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,729 But should you experience an erection lasting longer 600 00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:54,856 than six hours, this is a medical emergency, 601 00:21:54,856 --> 00:21:56,608 and you should consult a doctor. 602 00:21:56,608 --> 00:21:59,235 [laughter] 603 00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:01,112 [cheers and applause] 604 00:22:01,112 --> 00:22:04,282 I recently found out there's a group of people on Etsy 605 00:22:04,282 --> 00:22:08,453 who are selling knockoff Deborah Vance merchandise 606 00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:10,455 with things I supposedly said 607 00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:13,958 printed on them, which leads us to a segment I like to call, 608 00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:16,795 Did I Say It? [cheers and applause] 609 00:22:16,795 --> 00:22:18,963 A poster that says, "I may love jewelry, 610 00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:21,716 but a ring has no place on my coffee table." 611 00:22:21,716 --> 00:22:24,219 Do you think I said it? crowd: Yes! 612 00:22:24,219 --> 00:22:27,389 [bell ringing] - Yes, I did, right before 613 00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:29,974 a friendship-ending argument with Nancy Reagan. 614 00:22:29,974 --> 00:22:33,561 [laughter and applause] 615 00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:35,271 So good. 616 00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:38,149 We are down a guest, but I'm going to fix that. 617 00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:39,317 [whistling] 618 00:22:39,317 --> 00:22:40,902 You sir, you. 619 00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:43,780 Fourth row. Yes, you, you. Yeah. Come here. 620 00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:46,825 [cheers and applause] 621 00:22:46,825 --> 00:22:48,618 So what do you do for work? 622 00:22:48,618 --> 00:22:50,787 I'm actually a TSA agent. 623 00:22:50,787 --> 00:22:53,373 Okay, that's all the time we have, ladies and gentlemen. 624 00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:55,458 [laughter, rim shot] No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 625 00:22:55,458 --> 00:22:58,128 You must find some weird stuff in people's suitcases. 626 00:22:58,128 --> 00:22:59,504 It's kind of X rated. 627 00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,423 Oh, now you have to tell us. 628 00:23:01,423 --> 00:23:02,924 Come on. 629 00:23:02,924 --> 00:23:04,467 A few years ago, 630 00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:06,177 this guy went through the metal detector. 631 00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:08,138 I guess he was wearing a-- 632 00:23:08,138 --> 00:23:09,681 can I say "cuck cage" on TV? 633 00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:12,350 [laughter] 634 00:23:12,350 --> 00:23:14,686 Well, Lance, I think you just did. 635 00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:16,271 What on Earth is that? 636 00:23:16,271 --> 00:23:20,483 It's like a metal cage that goes on a man's-- 637 00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:23,028 - TSA wand. - Yes. 638 00:23:23,028 --> 00:23:26,614 And you can only take it off with a key. 639 00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:28,199 But his wife had the key. 640 00:23:28,199 --> 00:23:30,869 - And where was she? - In Miami. 641 00:23:30,869 --> 00:23:33,872 [laughter] 642 00:23:33,872 --> 00:23:36,833 Hey. Don't you need to get back to your actual job? 643 00:23:36,833 --> 00:23:38,626 Oh, my God. Fuck. Shit. 644 00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:40,420 I'm supposed to get them coffee. 645 00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:41,588 Mm. 646 00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,798 So, according to these cards, 647 00:23:43,798 --> 00:23:46,051 you broke your hand training for the film? 648 00:23:46,051 --> 00:23:47,510 Yeah. 649 00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:49,220 Actually, it's an interesting story. 650 00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:50,680 Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. 651 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,307 Are you just bored to tears from having 652 00:23:52,307 --> 00:23:53,767 to tell this story over and over and over again 653 00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:55,268 to the press and make it sound natural? 654 00:23:55,268 --> 00:23:56,478 You're going to get me in trouble. 655 00:23:56,478 --> 00:23:58,188 [laughs] 656 00:23:58,188 --> 00:23:59,939 I told that so many times, I said it in my sleep 657 00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:01,232 and woke my girlfriend up. 658 00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:03,276 Well, she gets to sleep with you, 659 00:24:03,276 --> 00:24:04,944 so she doesn't get to complain. 660 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:07,906 Oh, come on, it's not a Me Too if I do it! 661 00:24:07,906 --> 00:24:09,407 [laughter] 662 00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:11,242 No, but, seriously, look at those arms. 663 00:24:11,242 --> 00:24:13,912 How much can you bench? - Uh, bench--300, 310 pounds. 664 00:24:13,912 --> 00:24:15,663 What? No. Prove it. 665 00:24:15,663 --> 00:24:17,415 Bench-press me. 666 00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:21,169 [cheers and applause] 667 00:24:21,169 --> 00:24:22,420 Shut up! 668 00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:25,048 Brad! Give it up for Brad! 669 00:24:25,048 --> 00:24:27,175 Whoo! 670 00:24:27,175 --> 00:24:30,345 Thank you, thank you. 671 00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:33,515 Thank you so much, every one of you, 672 00:24:33,515 --> 00:24:35,350 for making it so special. 673 00:24:35,350 --> 00:24:37,227 Danny, thank you for loaning me the chair for the night. 674 00:24:37,227 --> 00:24:39,020 He will be back tomorrow. 675 00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:42,899 All of you, thank you, and good night. 676 00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:45,235 You were great. 677 00:24:45,235 --> 00:24:48,238 [upbeat music playing] 678 00:24:48,238 --> 00:24:51,825 ♪ ♪ 679 00:24:51,825 --> 00:24:53,201 Phenomenal. 680 00:24:53,201 --> 00:24:54,786 That guy was, like, really cute. 681 00:24:54,786 --> 00:24:56,496 - That was really good. - Should I call him? 682 00:24:56,496 --> 00:24:58,289 She was great. Unbelievably great. 683 00:24:58,289 --> 00:24:59,791 So good. 684 00:24:59,791 --> 00:25:01,918 [indistinct chatter] 685 00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:04,921 Thanks. Thank you. 686 00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:06,840 Oh, my God, Deborah. 687 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,093 That was--I mean, what an incredible show. 688 00:25:10,093 --> 00:25:12,137 - Thanks. Thanks. - You were just unbelievable. 689 00:25:12,137 --> 00:25:15,390 Thank you. - Ah. Whew. 690 00:25:15,390 --> 00:25:17,809 Is it okay if I just hang here for a minute? 691 00:25:17,809 --> 00:25:19,310 Oh, yeah, yeah, take your time. 692 00:25:19,310 --> 00:25:21,312 I'll see you backstage. - Absolutely. 693 00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:25,108 [indistinct chatter] 694 00:25:25,108 --> 00:25:27,819 [lights click] 695 00:25:29,404 --> 00:25:32,365 [soft music] 696 00:25:32,365 --> 00:25:39,497 ♪ ♪ 697 00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:52,927 [cheers and applause] 698 00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:55,680 [upbeat music playing] 699 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,767 [phone buzzing] 700 00:26:01,519 --> 00:26:03,021 Hi. 701 00:26:03,021 --> 00:26:05,190 You were right about that last monologue joke. 702 00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:06,775 It killed. - Told you so. 703 00:26:06,775 --> 00:26:08,526 And you did a shockingly good job 704 00:26:08,526 --> 00:26:10,028 not kink-shaming cuck cages. 705 00:26:10,028 --> 00:26:11,321 Oh, I got another call. [line beeping] 706 00:26:11,321 --> 00:26:12,530 Yeah. I'm going to take this. 707 00:26:12,530 --> 00:26:14,199 Can you-- - Yeah, sure. 708 00:26:14,199 --> 00:26:15,825 Hello. 709 00:26:15,825 --> 00:26:17,535 Deborah, it's Danny Collins. 710 00:26:17,535 --> 00:26:19,537 Hey. How are you feeling? 711 00:26:19,537 --> 00:26:21,373 Oh, not bad. 712 00:26:21,373 --> 00:26:22,874 In between having my last rites read to me, 713 00:26:22,874 --> 00:26:24,376 I saw the show. You did a hell of a job. 714 00:26:24,376 --> 00:26:26,294 Thank you. 715 00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:27,796 Seriously, you were having so much fun up there. 716 00:26:27,796 --> 00:26:29,547 Yeah, well, it's a fun gig. 717 00:26:29,547 --> 00:26:31,341 Eh, at first. 718 00:26:31,341 --> 00:26:33,218 At this point, I'm basically on cruise control. 719 00:26:33,218 --> 00:26:35,804 Between you and me and my wife's divorce lawyer, 720 00:26:35,804 --> 00:26:37,889 I'm leaving when my contract is up in a few months. 721 00:26:37,889 --> 00:26:39,557 Oh? 722 00:26:39,557 --> 00:26:41,518 It'll be some other guy's show soon. 723 00:26:41,518 --> 00:26:43,228 Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for stepping up. 724 00:26:43,228 --> 00:26:45,105 Oh, my pleasure. Anytime. 725 00:26:45,105 --> 00:26:47,065 [chuckles] Thanks for calling, Danny. 726 00:26:47,065 --> 00:26:48,900 - Love you, Deborah. - Okay. 727 00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,944 Bye. 728 00:26:50,944 --> 00:26:52,862 Ava. 729 00:26:52,862 --> 00:26:55,115 Yeah, that was definitely an I'll-call-you-back situation. 730 00:26:55,115 --> 00:26:56,783 I know, I know, I'm sorry. 731 00:26:56,783 --> 00:26:58,618 Listen, you said you have a hiatus coming up 732 00:26:58,618 --> 00:27:00,036 from your show, right? 733 00:27:00,036 --> 00:27:02,163 How long is it? - Uh, three months. 734 00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:03,790 Do you have any plans? 735 00:27:08,211 --> 00:27:10,463 - Hey. - Hey. 736 00:27:10,463 --> 00:27:13,008 I was thinking, do you think it just makes more sense 737 00:27:13,008 --> 00:27:15,010 if I visit for, like, a weekend, 738 00:27:15,010 --> 00:27:16,594 since you'll be working so much? 739 00:27:16,594 --> 00:27:18,763 - What? - Yeah. 740 00:27:18,763 --> 00:27:21,850 Um, this, uh-- this work thing came up. 741 00:27:21,850 --> 00:27:24,936 Shit. I mean, that's totally fine if it's for work. 742 00:27:24,936 --> 00:27:26,271 Is it for the show? 743 00:27:26,271 --> 00:27:30,859 You know what? It's actually, um... 744 00:27:30,859 --> 00:27:32,736 for Deborah. 745 00:27:32,736 --> 00:27:34,946 - Are you serious? - I know. I know. 746 00:27:34,946 --> 00:27:37,949 But listen, they're replacing the late show host, 747 00:27:37,949 --> 00:27:40,452 and I think she has a real shot at it. 748 00:27:40,452 --> 00:27:43,079 She asked me to help her just on my hiatus. 749 00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:45,915 But you'll be working so much, right? 750 00:27:45,915 --> 00:27:48,710 So this could be good. - Good for who? 751 00:27:48,710 --> 00:27:50,128 It's just for a couple months. 752 00:27:50,128 --> 00:27:51,713 I don't care how long it's for. 753 00:27:51,713 --> 00:27:53,715 I mean, she fired you and then cut you off. 754 00:27:53,715 --> 00:27:55,258 That's fucked up. 755 00:27:55,258 --> 00:27:57,135 You couldn't stop talking about it for months, 756 00:27:57,135 --> 00:27:58,678 about how unhealthy it was. 757 00:27:58,678 --> 00:28:00,847 And now we're finally in a good place. 758 00:28:00,847 --> 00:28:02,640 It makes me feel like you're more serious about her 759 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,393 than you are about your job, our life here, me. 760 00:28:05,393 --> 00:28:07,604 What? What are you talking about? 761 00:28:07,604 --> 00:28:09,314 I'm so serious about you. 762 00:28:09,314 --> 00:28:11,816 I mean, we're getting married. 763 00:28:13,026 --> 00:28:14,319 - What? - What? 764 00:28:14,319 --> 00:28:16,071 I found the ring, okay? 765 00:28:16,071 --> 00:28:18,573 Ava, what are you talking about? 766 00:28:18,573 --> 00:28:20,408 Oh. 767 00:28:20,408 --> 00:28:21,826 Ava. 768 00:28:21,826 --> 00:28:23,661 Here. 769 00:28:23,661 --> 00:28:26,456 Ask me. I'll say yes. 770 00:28:26,456 --> 00:28:28,249 - Oh, my God. - Or I can ask you. 771 00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:31,169 We're gay. There are no rules. 772 00:28:31,169 --> 00:28:33,004 - Oh, my God. - Ruby Rojas... 773 00:28:33,004 --> 00:28:35,131 from the first time I saw you at Little Dom's-- 774 00:28:35,131 --> 00:28:37,509 Oh, my God, Ava, stop. Stop. Okay, stop. 775 00:28:37,509 --> 00:28:41,346 [sighs] This ring is from the show. 776 00:28:41,346 --> 00:28:43,682 This is how Wolf Girl gets her powers. 777 00:28:43,682 --> 00:28:45,684 I have it here to help me get into character. 778 00:28:45,684 --> 00:28:47,560 And I have to wear it to practice 779 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,020 while I'm wielding the flail. 780 00:28:53,358 --> 00:28:55,068 Huh. 781 00:28:55,068 --> 00:28:56,528 I'm gonna stand up. 782 00:28:56,528 --> 00:28:58,446 I knew you didn't read the graphic novel. 783 00:28:58,446 --> 00:29:00,949 I don't know how to follow the fucking boxes. 784 00:29:00,949 --> 00:29:03,159 Wait. You want to get married? 785 00:29:03,159 --> 00:29:04,786 - I thought so. - You thought so? 786 00:29:04,786 --> 00:29:06,746 - I misunderstood. - Uh-huh. 787 00:29:06,746 --> 00:29:08,957 Listen, this has gotten completely out of hand. 788 00:29:08,957 --> 00:29:10,750 - Yeah. - And I'm sorry about the trip. 789 00:29:10,750 --> 00:29:12,293 I'm sorry I just proposed. 790 00:29:12,293 --> 00:29:14,087 But it's different this time. 791 00:29:14,087 --> 00:29:15,839 I'm just going to be working with her temporarily. 792 00:29:15,839 --> 00:29:18,049 You're not going to be working with her. 793 00:29:18,049 --> 00:29:19,551 You're going to be working for her. 794 00:29:19,551 --> 00:29:21,386 You'll always be working for her. 795 00:29:21,386 --> 00:29:23,013 You're making this such a bigger deal 796 00:29:23,013 --> 00:29:24,723 than it needs to be. 797 00:29:24,723 --> 00:29:26,558 You're canceling our plans to go work with someone 798 00:29:26,558 --> 00:29:28,685 who was borderline abusive because she might get a job. 799 00:29:28,685 --> 00:29:31,855 Look, I know that you respect this person. 800 00:29:31,855 --> 00:29:34,190 And I know you're proud of the work you did together, 801 00:29:34,190 --> 00:29:36,359 but it was also really hard, 802 00:29:36,359 --> 00:29:38,570 and not just when she fired you-- 803 00:29:38,570 --> 00:29:40,155 the whole time. 804 00:29:40,155 --> 00:29:42,198 She slapped you. She sued you. 805 00:29:42,198 --> 00:29:43,742 You said she was toxic. 806 00:29:43,742 --> 00:29:45,744 I said that stuff when I was mad at her. 807 00:29:45,744 --> 00:29:47,746 I'm so sorry. You just don't get it. 808 00:29:47,746 --> 00:29:50,749 [scoffs] 809 00:29:50,749 --> 00:29:52,709 Yeah. 810 00:29:52,709 --> 00:29:54,794 I guess I don't get it. 811 00:29:54,794 --> 00:29:57,088 Fuck. 812 00:29:58,715 --> 00:30:00,759 [inhales deeply] 813 00:30:00,759 --> 00:30:02,635 I think we need to take some space. 814 00:30:02,635 --> 00:30:04,054 What? No. 815 00:30:04,054 --> 00:30:05,972 Come on. [scoffs] 816 00:30:05,972 --> 00:30:07,432 Yeah. 817 00:30:07,432 --> 00:30:09,934 I'll, um, I'll go to Iceland alone. 818 00:30:09,934 --> 00:30:12,812 And, um... 819 00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:15,190 you do your thing. 820 00:30:15,190 --> 00:30:18,860 And we'll see where we're at when we're back... 821 00:30:18,860 --> 00:30:21,279 if you're back. 822 00:30:21,279 --> 00:30:23,114 - Ruby. - No. 823 00:30:23,114 --> 00:30:25,075 Are you serious? 824 00:30:25,075 --> 00:30:27,952 [cover of Steely Dan's "Dirty Work"] 825 00:30:27,952 --> 00:30:35,085 ♪ ♪ 826 00:30:59,984 --> 00:31:01,611 ♪ Times are hard ♪ 827 00:31:01,611 --> 00:31:04,823 ♪ You're afraid to pay the fee ♪ 828 00:31:04,823 --> 00:31:07,575 ♪ So you find yourself somebody ♪ 829 00:31:07,575 --> 00:31:11,371 ♪ Who can do the job for free ♪ 830 00:31:11,371 --> 00:31:13,164 [doorbell rings] 831 00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:16,459 ♪ When you need a bit of lovin' ♪ 832 00:31:16,459 --> 00:31:18,837 ♪ 'Cause your man is out of town ♪ 833 00:31:18,837 --> 00:31:20,964 ♪ That's the time... ♪ 834 00:31:20,964 --> 00:31:23,591 - Welcome back. - [laughs] 835 00:31:23,591 --> 00:31:26,678 ♪ And you know I'll be around ♪ 836 00:31:26,678 --> 00:31:28,346 Shoes off. 837 00:31:28,346 --> 00:31:32,100 ♪ I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪ 838 00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:34,269 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 839 00:31:34,269 --> 00:31:38,857 ♪ I don't want to do your dirty work ♪ 840 00:31:38,857 --> 00:31:41,484 ♪ No more ♪ 841 00:31:41,484 --> 00:31:45,196 ♪ I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪ 842 00:31:45,196 --> 00:31:48,033 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 843 00:31:48,033 --> 00:31:51,870 ♪ I don't want to do your dirty work ♪ 844 00:31:51,870 --> 00:31:54,581 ♪ No more ♪ 845 00:31:54,581 --> 00:31:58,126 ♪ I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪ 846 00:31:58,126 --> 00:32:00,295 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 847 00:32:00,295 --> 00:32:07,385 ♪ ♪ 848 00:32:26,613 --> 00:32:30,367 ♪ I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪ 849 00:32:30,367 --> 00:32:33,161 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 850 00:32:33,161 --> 00:32:37,165 ♪ I don't want to do your dirty work ♪ 851 00:32:37,165 --> 00:32:39,918 ♪ No more ♪ 852 00:32:39,918 --> 00:32:43,755 ♪ I don't want to do your dirty work ♪ 853 00:32:43,755 --> 00:32:46,174 ♪ No more ♪ 854 00:32:46,174 --> 00:32:49,928 ♪ I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪ 855 00:32:49,928 --> 00:32:52,347 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 856 00:32:52,347 --> 00:32:54,432 ♪ I don't want... ♪