1 00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,556 The ones you love... 2 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:17,767 the way they love you... 3 00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:20,979 the way you love yourself. 4 00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:22,647 Namaste. 5 00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:26,234 Welcome to SmoothBrain's guided meditation 6 00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:30,238 for navigating this difficult time in your relationship. 7 00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:32,991 Exhale negativity. 8 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:33,825 Ava! 9 00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:36,661 Mario Cantone is so gay that when he was born, 10 00:00:36,661 --> 00:00:38,830 the doctor spanked him, and he said... 11 00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:40,832 Can you knock? 12 00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:43,376 Why would he knock on a baby's butt? 13 00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:46,671 No, I mean, can you knock on the door before you barge into my room? 14 00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:50,258 Oh, well, first of all, this is my room in my house. 15 00:00:50,258 --> 00:00:51,926 And this isn't just any "room." 16 00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:55,096 I mean, this is the 1987 to '92 guest suite. 17 00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:56,598 I know, and it's disturbing. 18 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:59,684 I'm surrounded by photos of you shaking hands with literal war criminals. 19 00:00:59,684 --> 00:01:02,187 - Can I hide some of these pictures? - No. 20 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:04,147 Okay, back to the roast joke. 21 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:07,025 Mario Cantone is so gay that when he was born, 22 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,110 the doctor spanked him, and he said... 23 00:01:10,069 --> 00:01:11,613 Now spin around. It's my turn. 24 00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:13,490 That's good. That's good. 25 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:16,034 Okay, I'm going to leave the door open. I want to air this room out. 26 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,507 I received a call. 27 00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:38,306 As I was saying, the host of the late-- 28 00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:52,904 They're Polish... for some reason. 29 00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:57,742 Anyway, Danny Collins called me. 30 00:01:58,785 --> 00:01:59,953 He's leaving late night. 31 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:05,458 I have been waiting over 40 years for a second chance. 32 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:06,751 This is it. 33 00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,546 I want that chair. 34 00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:12,882 Okay, full-body chills. 35 00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:14,759 - Feel. Goose bumps. - No. 36 00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:16,344 Okay, I know this isn't my world, 37 00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:19,055 but doesn't the network already know who they want to take over? 38 00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:21,975 Well, normally, that's how it works, but right now there's no clear successor. 39 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,352 Plus, everybody is still talking about Deborah guest-hosting. 40 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:27,897 So, even though it's a long shot, if ever there was a moment, this is it. 41 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:29,399 It's not going to be easy. 42 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:32,527 This network has ever hired a woman for 11:30... 43 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:35,530 or anyone as old as me or, let's be honest, a blonde. 44 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,616 It'd be easier to get elected president. 45 00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:40,201 Should we just do that, then? 46 00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:43,371 God, I'd love to get my hands on those gardens. 47 00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:46,457 But every time I'm at the White House, it just--I don't know--it feels small. 48 00:02:46,457 --> 00:02:47,584 Sure. 49 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,586 Anyway, the next few weeks are going to be critical. 50 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:53,590 I need to be sharper and funnier than I've ever been, 51 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:58,386 which is why Ava has so generously agreed to come here on her hiatus. 52 00:02:58,386 --> 00:02:59,888 First up is my roast. 53 00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,848 Jimmy, is there someone from the network we can invite? 54 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,600 - Oh, yeah, I'm already on it. - Fantastic. 55 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:07,562 More importantly, Damien, schedule me for a lymphatic drainage and a Fraxel. 56 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,647 Ava, you need to fire my new writers. 57 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,482 - Excuse me? - Yeah, they're in her office. 58 00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:13,526 They've been here for a while. I gave them nuts. 59 00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:16,195 Are you serious? 60 00:03:16,195 --> 00:03:18,281 No, I can't fire them. We know each other. 61 00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:21,784 I cannot afford to have any new enemies out there. 62 00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:23,870 This'll soften the blow. 63 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,622 Are you being real? 64 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:28,082 No, don't--Wait, what are you walking away for? 65 00:03:28,082 --> 00:03:29,626 Hey, Jimmy, tell her-- 66 00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:36,925 It's like someone's making French toast all the time. 67 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,217 - Yeah. - But they're not. 68 00:03:38,217 --> 00:03:40,637 Like, there's no one in the kitchen right now, 69 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:41,846 I don't think. 70 00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:45,224 Hey, hey. What is up, my dudes? 71 00:03:45,224 --> 00:03:46,225 - Ava? - Hey. 72 00:03:46,225 --> 00:03:48,061 Yep, it's your girl. 73 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,812 You guys enjoying Vegas or-- 74 00:03:49,812 --> 00:03:51,230 - I mean, yeah, it's fine. - It's okay. 75 00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:54,108 Like, it's a little weird. I can't find vegetables. 76 00:03:54,108 --> 00:03:55,109 Totally. 77 00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:57,654 So I do have news... 78 00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,197 from the big D. 79 00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,659 How do I say this? 80 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:05,078 Do you guys remember in "Ice Age 12" 81 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:09,457 when Scrat had to let the Puffin Twins go so they could swim back to Puffin Island 82 00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:11,960 because there was no more room left on the iceberg? 83 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:16,255 - Are you firing us? - No, no. 84 00:04:16,255 --> 00:04:17,548 - Yes. - What? 85 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:19,467 - Oh, my God. - This is good for you. 86 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,386 I mean, you guys don't want to be here. 87 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,887 - This is your fault. - What? 88 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:24,681 - What do you mean it's my fault? - You are deadweight. 89 00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,599 It's why you didn't make "Lampoon" until junior year. 90 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:28,685 - You're not funny. - You're not funny! 91 00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:29,978 You can't write a joke. 92 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:34,023 I don't understand watching "30 Rock" and changing one word of a Carlock script 93 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:35,566 and being like, I'm a professional. 94 00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:38,528 Oh, my God, your obsession with comparing me to Robert Carlock. 95 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:41,114 - That was horrible. - Oh, you'll get over it. 96 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,658 No, I will never get over it. One of them cried. 97 00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:44,826 That's good. 98 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,286 You know, it's the ones who don't cry 99 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,621 who always bring wrongful-termination lawsuits. 100 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:50,915 Hey. Sorry to interrupt. 101 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:53,126 I'm on the phone with the roast producers, and-- 102 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,502 They're on mute. Don't worry. 103 00:04:54,502 --> 00:04:57,714 They're saying that it's really helpful if a family member roasts the honoree, 104 00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,549 and they pitched DJ. 105 00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:01,884 - Absolutely not. - Or... 106 00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:04,595 Kathy. Vance. Your sister. 107 00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:06,514 - I'll ask DJ. - Great. 108 00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:08,433 She loves the idea. She's freaking out. 109 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,226 Yes, she's going to call. 110 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,145 I forgot to show you. 111 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,688 I had Damien make this. 112 00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:16,941 It is a full-body printout of everybody who's doing the roast. 113 00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:20,528 This way, we can concentrate on attacking their physical flaws. 114 00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:24,949 Just want to say--roasts are vile. 115 00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:26,951 I mean, everything about them is problematic. 116 00:05:26,951 --> 00:05:28,327 The material punches down, 117 00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:31,330 almost always at the expense of women and other marginalized groups. 118 00:05:31,330 --> 00:05:33,916 It's almost fascistic when you think about it, you know? 119 00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:36,544 So I have a question for you. 120 00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:40,173 What if we reinvent the roast? 121 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,924 Do, like, an uplifting version of it? 122 00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:45,428 I have a question for you. What rhymes with "flat tits"? 123 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,890 - I'll look it up on RhymeZone. - Great. 124 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,559 - Hello, Ms. Vance. - Hi, April. 125 00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:53,394 Oh, I missed you. 126 00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:55,271 Is this an okay place to set up? 127 00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:56,564 Yeah, it's great. 128 00:05:57,648 --> 00:05:58,900 Okay... 129 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:03,863 I'm not going to sit here and pitch jokes while you have Botox needles in your face. 130 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,198 Well, too bad. 131 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,200 I was going to give you ten units for free. 132 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,702 - Can I do my armpits? - Please. 133 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,875 Sweetie, please, elbows off the table. The self-tanner stains. 134 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:19,003 - And put your napkin in your lap. - Mom, I'm an adult. 135 00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:21,589 Here's your plain pasta with butter. 136 00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:22,590 Thank you. 137 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,387 Okay. My roast. 138 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,597 The producers want to know if you'll perform. 139 00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:31,099 Now, I know that sounds a little scary, 140 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,392 but think of all the D'Jewelry you can promote 141 00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:36,938 and might be a nice bonding experience for the two of us. 142 00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,606 Oh, right. 143 00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:40,817 Yeah, what better way to bond than let you insult me 144 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,777 in front of tens of millions of people? 145 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:45,196 Tens of millions, that'd be great. 146 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,824 Honey, sit up straight. Your posture is atrocious. 147 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:50,618 - Okay, yeah, I'm going to pass. - Oh, come on. 148 00:06:50,618 --> 00:06:52,829 Nah, that sounds like a lose-lose situation for me, 149 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,997 and I just don't need that kind of stress in my life right now. 150 00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:58,042 I get it. I get it. 151 00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:00,753 But, honey, this is such a big deal for me. 152 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,922 Is there anything I can do to convince you? 153 00:07:05,716 --> 00:07:07,051 Yes. 154 00:07:07,051 --> 00:07:09,303 Come to my recovery meeting with me tomorrow. 155 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,224 I'll write you a check for $25,000. 156 00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:14,433 Mom, come on. 157 00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:17,061 You've never come to one of these with me before. 158 00:07:17,061 --> 00:07:19,981 And tomorrow's a really big deal. It's my five-year anniversary. 159 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,068 Please? It would really mean a lot to me. 160 00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:27,655 - Sure. - Really? 161 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:30,074 - Yeah, okay. - Oh, awesome. 162 00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:31,075 Thank you. 163 00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,286 You know what? I think you're actually going to enjoy yourself. 164 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,663 There are women there who are 20 years younger than you 165 00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:37,874 but look 30 years older. 166 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,208 - That sounds fun. - Right. 167 00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:01,022 - Ava. - Hey. I missed you so much. 168 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,567 I thought this was a school fundraiser. 169 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:08,112 Girl, it is. It's the PTA fashion show. 170 00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:10,907 But why are all the women so unbelievably hot? 171 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,700 Okay, horny. 172 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:14,076 Girl, this is Las Vegas. 173 00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:16,329 Most of the moms here are showgirls, acrobats, 174 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,497 or, like, married to a Raider. 175 00:08:18,497 --> 00:08:20,041 Yeah, makes sense. 176 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,795 - Are there kids here? - No, of course not. 177 00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:27,340 This fundraiser is for the older, rich dads 178 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,925 with late-in-life kids 179 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:31,010 to open up their hearts and their wallets 180 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,179 so the school can finally have a botanical garden. 181 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,972 - Totally. - Denise. 182 00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:36,641 Waist, very snatched. 183 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,351 Ass, very fat. 184 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,937 Also, I love Stephanie's diorama on the Hoover Dam. 185 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,605 I learned so much. 186 00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:48,194 That's quite good. 187 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,780 Ironically, it would pair well with a nice dry Chablis. 188 00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:53,866 That'd be super funny if this wasn't NA. 189 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,077 Look who's finally made it in. 190 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:57,495 It's Deborah Senior. 191 00:08:58,454 --> 00:09:00,915 Mom, this is Laurie, my therapist. She leads group. 192 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:03,751 Oh, so you're the one who got my little girl clean. 193 00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:05,962 Well, my car insurance owes you a gift basket. 194 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,049 - Okay. - You crack me up. 195 00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,175 I'm sorry I look crap. 196 00:09:11,175 --> 00:09:13,177 I mean, when DJ texted that you were coming, 197 00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:14,553 I really wanted to look my best. 198 00:09:14,553 --> 00:09:16,764 But my hairdresser had a hip replacement, and I just-- 199 00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,849 I think it has quite seriously affected her work. 200 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,394 - You look lovely. - Oh, thank you. 201 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,855 Oh, DJ, you need to Zelle me for dues and the caramel frappe. 202 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:26,941 Thank you. 203 00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:30,403 Oh, while I remember, which one was it? 204 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,196 - The five. - That's right. I knew that. 205 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:36,200 - Your garbage is in the way. There we go. - Thank you so much. 206 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,203 Normally, I have to say, you know, don't be scared about speaking to the group, 207 00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:41,998 but I think this time, you are going to be just fine. 208 00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,165 Mark, no! 209 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,251 Just use a plate. 210 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:48,587 Sorry, guys, I just got to make sure that everybody uses a plate, 211 00:09:48,587 --> 00:09:51,007 'cause if there's lots of crumbs, there's lots of rats, aren't there? 212 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,676 Loads. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. 213 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,262 She's great, right? 214 00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,888 Yeah. 215 00:09:57,888 --> 00:10:01,017 - So I have to say something? - Yeah, duh. 216 00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:04,228 Say a couple nice words, present me with the chip. 217 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:05,604 It's not a big deal. 218 00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:07,815 Okay. 219 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:13,029 Like, tighter. Even tighter. Like, don't be afraid to break a rib. 220 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,071 Yeah. 221 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:17,033 Sorry. One sec. 222 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,075 - Hello? - Hi. 223 00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:20,620 I need you to write a few words for me about how proud I am of DJ 224 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,038 for being five years clean. 225 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,914 Short, sweet, nothing too maudlin. 226 00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:25,750 Okay. When do you need it by? 227 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:28,586 ASAP. I'm here now. Just text it to me. 228 00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,463 All right, I'll send you something in a minute. 229 00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,507 - Who was that? - Deborah. 230 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:37,178 She wants me to write something for DJ's recovery group. 231 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,637 That's messed up. 232 00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:40,473 Isn't that, like, personal stuff? 233 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,808 What, she want you to write her diary entries for her, too? 234 00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:45,269 I did once write her food journal for "Woman's Day" magazine. 235 00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:47,438 - It was pretty good. - Ava... 236 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,482 look at yourself in the mirror. 237 00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:55,863 You are a bad bitch, in-demand executive producer now. 238 00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:58,199 Co-producer. It's a couple levels below, but... 239 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,493 You know that Deborah used to treat me the same? 240 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:04,497 Expecting me to deal blackjack at her house on a moment's notice. 241 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:07,500 But then I had Luna, and I said, Deborah, look, 242 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,503 my daughter is my number-one priority right now. 243 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,088 If you want me to be somewhere, 244 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,924 you got to give me at least 24 hours' notice to get a babysitter. 245 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,675 And that worked? 246 00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:20,096 No, but she did offer to pay Luna's school tuition here instead. 247 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,515 They have amazing after-school care, so I can go whenever. 248 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,518 But the point is, I did set that boundary. 249 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:28,521 And now Luna can play the French horn. 250 00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:33,109 You've got to set boundaries and keep things appropriate. 251 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,487 - You're right. - Yeah. 252 00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:39,532 Can you sprinkle some of this glitter on the top of my ass crack? 253 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,575 - Like, just blow on it. - Sure. 254 00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:49,125 Dang, why is your breath so hot? 255 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,292 Sorry. 256 00:11:50,292 --> 00:11:53,963 I am so happy to give you this ten-year chip. 257 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,549 I love you. 258 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:04,348 Thank you, Sarah. 259 00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:07,560 And now, last but not least, is Deborah 260 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,354 to give DJ her five-year chip. 261 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:18,737 DJ... 262 00:12:18,737 --> 00:12:22,950 I know sobriety has been a difficult battle for you, 263 00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,411 and I haven't always made it easier. 264 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:28,956 But seeing you here with your friends 265 00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:33,169 and seeing the progress you've made and the resilience you've shown 266 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:37,506 over the last five years just fills my heart. 267 00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:46,599 Oh, thank you. 268 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:50,769 You know, DJ's childhood wasn't what you'd call stable 269 00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:52,605 or... 270 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,607 normal or even lucid. 271 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,609 You know, until she was seven, she said the kitchen 272 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,736 was "the place where we kept the batteries." 273 00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:02,531 Every time she rode a bike, she got pulled over. 274 00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:07,411 In kindergarten, she learned her ABCs backwards 275 00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:09,038 so she could recite them to a cop. 276 00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:15,002 No, but, seriously, we're all really proud of DJ, 277 00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:19,798 and not just me-- her whole family and all her friends, 278 00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:21,175 like Mario Cantone. 279 00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:25,846 Speaking of Mario, by the way, Mario Cantone is so gay... 280 00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:28,641 This casino-dealer mother to second grader Luna 281 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,809 is not playing the odds with this outfit. 282 00:13:30,809 --> 00:13:33,521 It's Kiki Laos. 283 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:48,911 Hot. Hot. 284 00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:54,041 Well, that was fun. 285 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:56,293 I should be coming to these things more often. 286 00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:58,212 Are you fucking kidding me? 287 00:13:58,212 --> 00:14:00,673 All you had to do was focus on me for just a few minutes, 288 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,758 but, no, you had to go telling your shitty jokes. 289 00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:05,052 - "Shitty"? - Mom. 290 00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:08,973 I have been begging you to come to these meetings with me for years. 291 00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:11,850 This place is important to me and to my healing. 292 00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:13,852 But, of course, the first time you show up, 293 00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:15,396 you just make it all about yourself. 294 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,606 Well, to be fair, all the jokes were about you. 295 00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:20,859 Oh, my God, you can't even stop telling jokes now? 296 00:14:20,859 --> 00:14:21,860 I'm sorry. 297 00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:25,739 I'm sorry I didn't do therapy good, you know, but at least I showed up. 298 00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:27,199 Well, I really wish you hadn't. 299 00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:28,867 You know, I don't need this. 300 00:14:28,867 --> 00:14:31,620 I came, even though this is a very important time for me. 301 00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,872 Well, it's a very important time for me, too, Mom. 302 00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:35,291 I'm pregnant. 303 00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:42,131 Well, I wish I wasn't finding out like this. 304 00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:46,302 I wasn't supposed to tell anybody until after the anatomy scan, 305 00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:49,513 because, technically, it's a geriatric pregnancy. 306 00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,807 Don't you dare say a goddamn word! 307 00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:54,518 Honey, I... 308 00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,313 Wow. It's... 309 00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,733 Congratulations. This is amazing. 310 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,402 - Come on, give me a hug. - I'm not giving you a hug. 311 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:07,114 You know, one of the very first thoughts I had when I found out 312 00:15:07,114 --> 00:15:09,325 that I was having a baby was, 313 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:12,119 how do I protect my child from getting fucked up by you 314 00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:13,412 for shit like this? 315 00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:17,750 I'm walking home. 316 00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:21,962 Oh, come on, at least take an Uber. 317 00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,547 I'm locked out of my account! 318 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,730 What the hell? Why doesn't anyone here knock? 319 00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:40,981 Why don't you shut the bathroom door? 320 00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:42,691 I don't have to shut the door. It's my room. 321 00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:45,778 - Oh, I saw something. - What do you want? 322 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,363 Well, I'll tell you what I want. 323 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,990 What I want is to rip my mom a new asshole. 324 00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:51,450 So my roast jokes are gold, 325 00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,827 but what I'm struggling with is my catchphrase. 326 00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:55,913 "Catchphrase"? 327 00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,706 Yeah, every good comedian has a catchphrase. 328 00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:58,957 Your mom doesn't. 329 00:15:58,957 --> 00:16:02,002 Well, not anymore, but she used to say, "Put down the fork!" 330 00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:03,962 - Right. - So this is what I'm thinking. 331 00:16:03,962 --> 00:16:05,172 Are you ready? 332 00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:07,591 What a cunt! 333 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,594 Oh. Wow. 334 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,806 - That is strong. - Yeah. 335 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,849 Can I hear what else you've written? 336 00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:17,810 Yeah, yeah. Okay. 337 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:22,189 All right, my mom's so old, her social security number is 2. 338 00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:23,399 What a cunt! 339 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:28,612 Yeah, that sounds like it came out of, like, a joke book. 340 00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:30,406 Yeah, that's where I got it. 341 00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,491 - Is that not allowed? - Not really. 342 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:37,663 What if I change the number 2 to 69? 343 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:38,956 Not really the issue. 344 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,207 - 420? - Yeah, we-- 345 00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,750 I don't know any other funny numbers. 346 00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:44,420 It's more so the joke-book thing. 347 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,630 Made me laugh. Okay. 348 00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:48,841 Oh, God, you're going to die. This is so good. 349 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,344 Okay, my mom's always on her phone looking at real estate apps. 350 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:57,015 I'm like, stop looking for houses and start looking for a damn grave site. 351 00:16:57,015 --> 00:16:58,600 What a cunt! 352 00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,810 Vicious. 353 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:00,769 She's old. 354 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,483 Okay. So I'm feeling like for you, maybe one-liners 355 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,944 is not going to be, like, necessarily the way to go. 356 00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:12,239 What if you tried telling funny stories about your mom 357 00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:14,241 from, like, real-life experiences? 358 00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:15,451 Wait. 359 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:18,579 You're saying that the truth might hurt her more. 360 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,040 - Yeah. - Whatever hurts her the most. 361 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,461 - Yeah. - Okay. 362 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,337 Okay. You are good. 363 00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:29,298 - Yeah, yeah. - I'm all right. 364 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:30,758 I'm pregnant. 365 00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:32,885 What? Holy shit. 366 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,471 - Give me a hug. - Congrats. 367 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,182 Oh, my God. Congratulations. 368 00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:40,058 Oh, I'm going to be an uncle. 369 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:43,896 Yeah. Oh, my God. 370 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:47,691 I'm really feeling nauseous. Do you have any plain crackers in here? 371 00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:49,693 - Yeah. - Thank you. 372 00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:52,404 - Yeah, I actually do. - Yeah, yeah, could you hurry? 373 00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:56,116 Hey. So, just so you know, 374 00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,702 DJ asked me to help with her roast material. 375 00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:01,413 Oh. How is it? 376 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:03,499 It's... 377 00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:09,046 Have you thought about maybe having her not do it? 378 00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:12,090 - Oh, God, is it that bad? - Yeah. 379 00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:14,927 I don't want her to embarrass herself, especially if she's pregnant. 380 00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:17,930 Congratulations, by the way. 381 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:21,308 If you're looking for a name, Ava is beautiful-- 382 00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,060 very hot-girl vibes. 383 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,728 Okay. 384 00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,271 I'll talk to her. 385 00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:27,815 About the name? 386 00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:29,441 About the roast. 387 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:40,619 What do you want? 388 00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,371 - May I come in? - You may not. 389 00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:45,958 Okay. Okay, listen, I feel terrible, 390 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,919 terrible about what happened the other night, and I want to help you out. 391 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:52,381 I want to set you and Aidan up with round-the-clock nanny care. 392 00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,550 I want to hire a chef who can come up with a meal plan 393 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,134 to make sure you're getting enough folate. 394 00:18:56,134 --> 00:18:58,178 And I'm going to buy some baby toys that educate 395 00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:00,472 - but also have no sound. - Yeah. 396 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,558 No, thank you. I don't need anything from you. 397 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:05,227 I'm perfectly capable of handling this pregnancy on my own. 398 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:07,980 Yeah. 399 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,983 Well, look, at least let me help you out with the roast. 400 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:15,112 I know from experience how stressful performing can be when you're pregnant. 401 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,989 So I came up with an entire set for you. 402 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,449 All you have to do is stand up there and read it--easy peasy. 403 00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:20,784 Oh, my God! 404 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:23,453 This is my Cornell admissions essay all over again. 405 00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:25,247 I wrote you a gorgeous essay. 406 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:28,166 News flash, Mom-- I'm stronger than you think, 407 00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:30,794 and I'm going to do the roast my way, and I'm going to crush it. 408 00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:33,380 And when I'm done doing my roast all over you, 409 00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:36,508 they're probably going to offer me a late-night show. 410 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,010 I just don't want you to get hurt. 411 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:41,179 You're the one who's going to get hurt when I rip you a new one. 412 00:19:41,179 --> 00:19:44,141 Please, please, let's not fight. 413 00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,268 I just want to support you 414 00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:48,562 and my future granddaughter. 415 00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:50,606 You don't know the gender yet. 416 00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:54,276 Well, they say little girls steal your beauty, 417 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,987 and your hair's been looking a little bit thinner. 418 00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,832 I was so relieved when we got Mario. 419 00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:11,209 I know. He's going to bring amazing energy. 420 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:14,046 Oh, wait, have you seen any of DJ's jokes? 421 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,422 - How are they? - No. I don't know. 422 00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,049 She wouldn't send them in for the prompter. 423 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,842 - Oh. - I know. 424 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:22,638 Hello. 425 00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,723 - Oh, hello, Ava. - What's up? 426 00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:27,434 Nice to see you, Ava. 427 00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:29,019 Don't worry, Mom. They're almost done with me. 428 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,396 I'm sure they're going to need all hands on deck to finish you up. 429 00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:34,650 Oh, make sure you contour her nose and fill in those eyebrows. 430 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,068 She's an over-tweezer. 431 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:42,115 Sorry to intrude, but I couldn't wait to meet the Deborah Vance. 432 00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:44,868 - Hi, I'm Jack Danby. - Hi. 433 00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:46,745 Nice to meet a young man with manners. 434 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,580 Well, it's nice to meet a young woman with class. 435 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:49,873 Oh, please. 436 00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:51,875 And I love seeing a man who knows 437 00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:53,794 - how to dress for these events. - Thank you. 438 00:20:53,794 --> 00:20:56,088 No, I'm always saying, I was born in the wrong generation. 439 00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,256 I hate athleisure wear, and I love to drink at lunch. 440 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,469 But, seriously, I can't tell you what an honor it is 441 00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:03,804 to share the stage with you. 442 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,555 You're, like, one of my comedic idols. 443 00:21:05,555 --> 00:21:07,891 So I wanted to tell you that before I eviscerate you 444 00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,267 on national television. 445 00:21:09,267 --> 00:21:10,894 Oh, I appreciate that. 446 00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:12,896 - I'll see you out there. - Can't wait. 447 00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:17,901 Now, that... 448 00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:19,861 is a funny young man. 449 00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:23,490 I don't think I've ever heard you call someone funny 450 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:25,283 who didn't have a chromosomal disorder. 451 00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:27,285 Oh, don't talk about yourself that way. 452 00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:31,289 Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? 453 00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:36,753 - I said, are you ready? - All right, girl. 454 00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:38,880 I have to spit out my lozenge. 455 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,509 Damien! Damien! 456 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:45,512 Deborah Vance! 457 00:21:58,734 --> 00:22:00,736 Thank you very much. 458 00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:01,987 Welcome. 459 00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:03,530 I'm Mario Cantone. 460 00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:05,532 You know, when I was asked 461 00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:09,327 to be the roast master for a trailblazing icon, 462 00:22:09,327 --> 00:22:11,329 I immediately said yes. 463 00:22:11,329 --> 00:22:12,873 But then a couple of days later, 464 00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:15,542 they called back and said Angela Lansbury just died, 465 00:22:15,542 --> 00:22:16,960 so never mind. 466 00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:20,172 Anyway, we are here 467 00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:23,050 to celebrate Deborah Vance. 468 00:22:24,259 --> 00:22:26,344 Oh, yes. 469 00:22:26,344 --> 00:22:29,556 So our first comedian is the nicest guy in Hollywood, 470 00:22:29,556 --> 00:22:32,350 which is what people say when you are pretty 471 00:22:32,350 --> 00:22:34,186 and you have no talent. 472 00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:37,481 Please welcome Jack Danby. 473 00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:50,285 Deborah is so old, she still calls movies the talkies. 474 00:22:50,285 --> 00:22:51,787 It's not her fault, though. 475 00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:53,789 You don't know what they are if you can't get cast in them. 476 00:22:55,373 --> 00:22:57,459 Deborah, you're an important reminder 477 00:22:57,459 --> 00:22:59,419 of what my future could look like... 478 00:22:59,419 --> 00:23:01,588 if I don't find a decent plastic surgeon 479 00:23:01,588 --> 00:23:03,757 and just allow a carpenter to rebuild my face. 480 00:23:03,757 --> 00:23:06,218 Deborah is so old, 481 00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:09,846 she remembers when Roe and Wade were still very good friends. 482 00:23:09,846 --> 00:23:13,225 Deborah Vance is on my personal Mount Rushmore. 483 00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:16,228 And by that, I mean, I thought she died, like, 200 years ago, 484 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:18,605 and she probably owned slaves. 485 00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:21,274 Tell me, sis. Not today. Not me. 486 00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:24,778 Okay, maybe just for one night. I'll do some light cleaning. 487 00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,822 Deborah's jokes are so cheap, 488 00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:29,574 you'd think the kids in her QVC sweatshops make them. 489 00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:32,828 Give them water! They're working so hard! 490 00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:37,249 I've never understood why Deborah is so huge with gay men. 491 00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:39,251 You are so popular with gay men. 492 00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:42,045 Never got that, and then I met her, and I realized, 493 00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:45,382 oh, she smells like poppers, and her face looks like a nut sack. 494 00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:48,844 There you go. Are you enjoying your evening out? 495 00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:51,721 As we have all made clear tonight, 496 00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:55,433 Deborah Vance has made a lot of mistakes in her career. 497 00:23:55,433 --> 00:23:59,062 But I'm happy to bring up her biggest mistake of all-- 498 00:23:59,062 --> 00:24:00,772 her daughter, DJ. 499 00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:05,068 You may know DJ from her D'Jewelry line, 500 00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:08,488 which is so ugly, she belongs in d'jail. 501 00:24:09,906 --> 00:24:13,076 Everyone, please welcome DJ Vance. 502 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,089 Hi, I'm DJ Vance. 503 00:24:26,089 --> 00:24:28,633 My mom is here tonight... 504 00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:31,720 is something I could never say at a ballet recital. 505 00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:37,809 A lot of people think my mom was a negligent, inattentive mother. 506 00:24:41,688 --> 00:24:43,315 No, I'm just kidding. 507 00:24:43,315 --> 00:24:45,692 My mom gave me everything I have-- 508 00:24:45,692 --> 00:24:49,321 a house, an education, crippling anxiety, 509 00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:52,449 bipolar disorder, multiple subpoenas. 510 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:54,701 What a cunt! 511 00:24:57,746 --> 00:25:01,124 You know, a lot of people don't know this, but I was a C-section birth. 512 00:25:01,124 --> 00:25:05,503 Yeah, not for any medical reasons, but because my mom says, and I quote, 513 00:25:05,503 --> 00:25:07,505 "I'm known for my grip." 514 00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:11,134 What a cunt! 515 00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,723 Wow. Okay, I was wrong, really wrong. 516 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:21,228 You know, some of you may know this, but my mom is always collecting antiques. 517 00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:24,189 I'm like, bitch, you are an antique. 518 00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:26,066 What a cunt! 519 00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:27,859 Anyway, before I go, 520 00:25:27,859 --> 00:25:31,154 I do just want to say one last thing to you, Mom. 521 00:25:31,154 --> 00:25:32,364 And I have to apologize. 522 00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:36,368 I know you don't like when I get all sappy and sentimental, but... 523 00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:38,787 we've been through a hell of a lot together. 524 00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:41,081 And I know that we don't always say this to each other, 525 00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:43,959 but it's important to me that you know that written on my heart 526 00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:46,503 will always be those three little words... 527 00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:50,715 What a cunt! 528 00:26:01,851 --> 00:26:03,979 Thank you so much. Thank you. 529 00:26:05,689 --> 00:26:07,399 - You were so funny. - Stop. 530 00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:08,775 - You killed it. - Thank you. 531 00:26:08,775 --> 00:26:10,193 - I'm gonna get you a drink. - Thanks. 532 00:26:10,193 --> 00:26:11,444 DJ. 533 00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:15,198 - You were incredible. - Mom, that was amazing. 534 00:26:15,198 --> 00:26:17,993 I have never experienced anything like that before. 535 00:26:17,993 --> 00:26:19,619 I finally get it. 536 00:26:19,619 --> 00:26:21,204 What? 537 00:26:21,204 --> 00:26:23,999 Why comedy was always the most important thing to you. 538 00:26:23,999 --> 00:26:28,211 You know, I spent my whole life thinking you were a narcissist, but it turns out... 539 00:26:28,211 --> 00:26:30,422 you're actually an addict like me. 540 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,382 You're addicted to getting laughs. 541 00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:35,593 And, I mean, I can go to group to stay sober, but you can't. 542 00:26:35,593 --> 00:26:37,887 Your addiction is the group. 543 00:26:37,887 --> 00:26:39,889 There's no hope for you. 544 00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:42,225 Oh, my God, I feel so much better. 545 00:26:42,225 --> 00:26:44,185 Oh, good... I think. 546 00:26:45,312 --> 00:26:47,439 Well, anyway, you were just amazing. 547 00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:50,734 And I'm sorry I ever underestimated you. 548 00:26:51,901 --> 00:26:52,819 Thank you. 549 00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:54,612 If you ever want me to go back to group with you-- 550 00:26:54,612 --> 00:26:55,822 No, no, no, I'm good. 551 00:26:57,198 --> 00:26:59,034 I'm sorry about the way I acted. 552 00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:01,536 That's okay. Addicts always hurt the ones they love. 553 00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:06,374 And it's completely noninvasive? 554 00:27:06,374 --> 00:27:07,417 Completely. 555 00:27:07,417 --> 00:27:09,044 You were on bed rest for two weeks. 556 00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:11,046 - Congratulations. - Thank you. 557 00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:12,255 I mean, that's huge. 558 00:27:12,255 --> 00:27:15,633 And I will say, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. 559 00:27:15,633 --> 00:27:17,135 Someone funnier, yes. 560 00:27:18,928 --> 00:27:20,847 What are we congratulating you on? 561 00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:22,640 A Deadline article just came out. 562 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:24,267 Danny Collins is retiring, 563 00:27:24,267 --> 00:27:26,436 and apparently Jack is the front-runner to replace him. 564 00:27:29,189 --> 00:27:30,231 Is that right? 565 00:27:30,231 --> 00:27:33,151 It's just a rumor right now, so I don't know. 566 00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:36,321 - What don't you know? - Well... 567 00:27:36,321 --> 00:27:38,323 No, no, no, no, it's great. It's great. 568 00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:40,533 You're perfect for it. You're generically funny. 569 00:27:42,410 --> 00:27:43,870 Excuse us. 570 00:27:44,954 --> 00:27:46,664 I guess you don't find him funny anymore. 571 00:27:46,664 --> 00:27:48,875 Smug piece of shit. 572 00:27:48,875 --> 00:27:50,752 Come on, we got work to do. 573 00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:56,091 Good morning. 574 00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:58,301 I thought you might want your lozenge back. 575 00:27:59,761 --> 00:28:02,263 No. God, that's been in your hand. 576 00:28:02,263 --> 00:28:05,308 God knows how many germs there are in that giant ecosystem. 577 00:28:05,308 --> 00:28:07,102 Perfect segue. 578 00:28:07,102 --> 00:28:09,521 I'm only here for another 86 days. 579 00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:13,066 So I would love to set some boundaries for our working relationship. 580 00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:14,734 "Boundaries"? Okay. 581 00:28:14,734 --> 00:28:16,653 I would prefer that you use the outdoor shower. 582 00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:19,114 I'm serious, okay? This isn't the same as before. 583 00:28:19,114 --> 00:28:20,407 I'm a co-producer now. 584 00:28:21,616 --> 00:28:23,243 A co-producer. 585 00:28:24,786 --> 00:28:28,331 Oh, fine, fine. What do you want? 586 00:28:28,331 --> 00:28:30,708 Well, to start, I would like you to stop handing me things 587 00:28:30,708 --> 00:28:34,337 that have been inside your mouth or asking me to fire people. 588 00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:36,464 Fine. Deal. 589 00:28:36,464 --> 00:28:38,007 I'm actually not done. 590 00:28:38,007 --> 00:28:40,093 I want you to knock before you enter my room. 591 00:28:40,093 --> 00:28:43,555 I want clearer-cut set work hours with overtime pay. 592 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:46,141 I'm not going to be writing personal material for you anymore. 593 00:28:46,141 --> 00:28:48,143 And no more jokes about my physical appearance. 594 00:28:49,018 --> 00:28:51,604 Yeah, nothing about my face, my hair, 595 00:28:51,604 --> 00:28:53,731 you know, what I'm wearing, what I'm eating, 596 00:28:53,731 --> 00:28:55,942 and, most importantly, the size of my hands. 597 00:28:55,942 --> 00:28:58,736 Oh, come on, now, those are grandfathered in. 598 00:28:58,736 --> 00:29:00,238 I can go back to LA right now. 599 00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:04,409 All right. All right. 600 00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:07,370 I agree to your terms... but on one condition. 601 00:29:07,370 --> 00:29:09,956 I'm not going to your bra lady for a fitting, okay? 602 00:29:09,956 --> 00:29:10,957 My bra fits fine. 603 00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:13,251 Yeah, it kind of hurts, but that's what bras are. 604 00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:14,586 No, no, no, no, no, no. 605 00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:17,755 While you're here, you make time to work on your own stuff. 606 00:29:19,048 --> 00:29:20,717 Oh. 607 00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:21,759 Okay. 608 00:29:22,969 --> 00:29:24,971 Deal. 609 00:29:26,473 --> 00:29:27,974 Okay, cool. 610 00:29:27,974 --> 00:29:30,977 So you're doing Hoda on Monday, right? 611 00:29:30,977 --> 00:29:35,190 Okay, so I feel like over the weekend, I could probably get some stuff together, 612 00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:38,193 but I think the Carrot Top stuff is, like, pretty timeless. 613 00:29:38,193 --> 00:29:39,694 But I also kind of had the idea 614 00:29:39,694 --> 00:29:42,197 that maybe we bring out some of the old footage, 615 00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:44,782 which kind of could be major, 616 00:29:44,782 --> 00:29:46,993 just since it's already ready and you have that video. 617 00:29:46,993 --> 00:29:50,622 And, also, I think that appeals to more of, like, a, you know, wider crowd. 618 00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,332 That's something that can-- What's up, Josefina? 619 00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:53,625 - Ava. - Yeah? 620 00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:57,378 Do you need me to give your hair CPR? Because it is limp and lifeless. 621 00:29:57,378 --> 00:30:00,215 Oh, my God, are you serious? 622 00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:02,217 That is not fair. 623 00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:04,219 No workarounds. 624 00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:06,221 - Also, Ava... - No. 625 00:30:06,221 --> 00:30:10,016 I have started the Mediterranean diet, and I am out of olive oil. 626 00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:12,644 - Can I use your forehead? - Oh. 627 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:14,646 That's funny.