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{\an8}[meditative music]
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{\an8}♪ ♪
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The ones you love...
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the way they love you...
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the way you love yourself.
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Namaste.
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Welcome to SmoothBrain's
guided meditation
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for navigating this difficult
time in your relationship.
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Exhale negativity.
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- Ava!
- Ah!
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Mario Cantone is so gay
that when he was born,
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the doctor spanked him,
and he said...
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Can you knock?
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Why would he knock
on a baby's butt?
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No, I mean, can you knock
on the door
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before you barge into my room?
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Oh, well, first of all, this
is my room in my house.
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And this isn't just any "room."
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I mean, this is the 1987 to
'92 guest suite.
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I know, and it's disturbing.
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I'm surrounded by photos
of you shaking hands
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with literal war criminals.
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Can I hide some
of these pictures?
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No.
Okay, back to the roast joke.
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Mario Cantone is so gay
that when he was born,
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the doctor spanked him,
and he said...
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Now spin around.
It's my turn.
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Ha! That's good.
That's good.
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Okay, I'm going to leave
the door open.
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I want to air this room out.
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[orchestral music]
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♪ ♪
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I received a call.
[device whirring loudly]
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[whirring stops]
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As I was saying,
the host of the--
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[whirring resumes]
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Badz Cicho! Badz Cicho!
[whirring stops]
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[sighs]
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They're Polish...
for some reason.
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[chuckles]
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Anyway, Danny Collins
called me.
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He's leaving late night.
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I have been waiting over
40 years for a second chance.
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This is it.
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I want that chair.
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Okay, full-body chills.
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Feel. Goose bumps.
- No.
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Okay, I know this isn't my
world, but doesn't the network
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already know
who they want to take over?
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Well, normally,
that's how it works,
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00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:21,975
but right now there's
no clear successor.
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Plus, everybody
is still talking
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about Deborah guest-hosting.
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So, even though it's
a long shot,
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if ever there was a moment,
this is it.
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It's not going to be easy.
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This network has ever hired
a woman for 11:30...
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or anyone as old as me
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or, let's be honest, a blonde.
- [chuckles]
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It'd be easier to get
elected president.
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Should we just do that, then?
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God, I'd love to get
my hands on those gardens.
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But every time
I'm at the White House,
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it just--I don't know--
it feels small.
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Sure.
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Anyway, the next few weeks
are going to be critical.
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I need to be sharper and
funnier than I've ever been,
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which is why Ava
has so generously agreed
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to come here on her hiatus.
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First up is my roast.
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Jimmy, is there someone
from the network we can invite?
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- Oh, yeah, I'm already on it.
- Fantastic.
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More importantly,
Damien, schedule me
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for a lymphatic drainage
and a Fraxel.
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Ava, you need to fire
my new writers.
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- Excuse me?
- Yeah, they're in her office.
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They've been here for a while.
I gave them nuts.
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Are you serious?
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No, I can't fire them.
We know each other.
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I cannot afford to have
any new enemies out there.
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This'll soften the blow.
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Are you being real?
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No, don't--Wait, what are you
walking away for?
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Hey, Jimmy, tell her--
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Okej!
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[loud whirring resumes]
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It's like someone's making
French toast all the time.
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- Yeah.
- But they're not.
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Like, there's no one
in the kitchen right now,
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I don't think.
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Hey, hey.
What is up, my dudes?
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- Ava?
- Hey.
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Yep, it's your girl.
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You guys enjoying Vegas or--
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- I mean, yeah, it's fine.
- It's okay.
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Like, it's a little weird.
I can't find vegetables.
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Totally.
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So I do have news...
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from the big D.
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Um, how do I say this?
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Uh, do you guys remember
in "Ice Age 12"
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when Scrat had to let
the Puffin Twins go
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so they could swim
back to Puffin Island
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because there was no more room
left on the iceberg?
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- Are you firing us?
- No, no.
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Yes.
- What?
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- Oh, my God.
- This is good for you.
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I mean, you guys
don't want to be here.
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- This is your fault.
- What?
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What do you mean it's my fault?
- You are deadweight.
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It's why you didn't make
"Lampoon" until junior year.
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You're not funny.
- You're not funny!
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You can't write a joke.
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I don't understand
watching "30 Rock"
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and changing one word
of a Carlock script
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and being like,
I'm a professional.
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Oh, my God, your obsession
with comparing me
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to Robert Carlock.
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- That was horrible.
- Oh, you'll get over it.
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No, I will never get over it.
One of them cried.
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Oh, that's good.
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You know, it's the ones
who don't cry
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who always bring
wrongful-termination lawsuits.
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Hey, yoo-hoo.
Sorry to interrupt.
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Um, I'm on the phone
with the roast producers, and--
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They're on mute.
Don't worry.
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They're saying
that it's really helpful
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if a family member
roasts the honoree,
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and they pitched DJ.
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- Absolutely not.
- Or...
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Kathy. Vance. Your sister.
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- I'll ask DJ.
- Great.
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She loves the idea.
She's freaking out.
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Yes, she's going to call.
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Ooh, I forgot to show you.
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I had Damien make this.
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It is a full-body printout
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of everybody
who's doing the roast.
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This way, we can concentrate
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on attacking
their physical flaws.
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Just want to say--
roasts are vile.
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I mean, everything
about them is problematic.
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The material punches down,
almost always
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at the expense of women
and other marginalized groups.
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It's almost fascistic when
you think about it, you know?
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So I have a question for you.
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What if we reinvent the roast?
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Do, like,
an uplifting version of it?
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I have a question for you.
What rhymes with "flat tits"?
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- I'll look it up on RhymeZone.
- Great.
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- Hello, Ms. Vance.
- Hi, April.
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Oh, I missed you.
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Is this an okay place
to set up?
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Yeah, it's great.
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Okay...
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Um, I'm not going to sit here
and pitch jokes
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while you have Botox needles
in your face.
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Well, too bad.
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I was going to give you
ten units for free.
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- Can I do my armpits?
- Please.
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[light music]
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Sweetie, please,
elbows off the table.
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The self-tanner stains.
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And put your napkin
in your lap.
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Mom, I'm an adult.
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Here's your plain pasta
with butter.
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Ooh, thank you.
[clears throat]
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Okay.
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My roast.
- Mm-hmm.
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The producers want to know
if you'll perform.
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Now, I know that sounds
a little scary,
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but think of all the D'Jewelry
you can promote
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and might be a nice bonding
experience for the two of us.
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Oh, right.
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Yeah, what better way to bond
than let you insult me
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in front of tens
of millions of people?
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Tens of millions,
that'd be great.
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Honey, sit up straight.
Your posture is atrocious.
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Okay, yeah,
I'm going to pass.
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- Oh, come on.
- Nah, that sounds
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like a lose-lose situation
for me,
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and I just don't need that kind
of stress in my life right now.
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I-I get it.
I get it.
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But, honey, this is
such a big deal for me.
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Is there anything
I can do to convince you?
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00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:07,176
Yes.
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00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:09,345
Come to my recovery meeting
with me tomorrow.
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I'll write you a check
for $25,000.
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Mom, come on.
190
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:16,227
You've never come to one
of these with me before.
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And tomorrow's
a really big deal.
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It's my five-year anniversary.
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Please? It would really mean
a lot to me.
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- Sure.
- Really?
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00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:28,781
Yeah, okay.
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Oh, awesome.
Thank you.
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You know what?
198
00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:34,203
I think you're actually
going to enjoy yourself.
199
00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:36,330
There are women there who
are 20 years younger than you
200
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,623
but look 30 years older.
201
00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,375
- Ooh, that sounds fun.
- Right.
202
00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:40,585
[chuckles]
203
00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:44,172
♪ ♪
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00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:48,050
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
205
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:55,141
♪ ♪
206
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[gasps]
Ava.
207
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,230
Hey. I missed you so much.
both: Ooh.
208
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:04,567
Um, I thought this was
a school fundraiser.
209
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:08,237
Girl, it is.
It's the PTA fashion show.
210
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:10,907
But why are all the women
so unbelievably hot?
211
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,116
Okay, horny.
212
00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:14,243
Girl, this is Las Vegas.
213
00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:16,412
Most of the moms here
are showgirls, acrobats,
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00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:18,289
or, like, married to a Raider.
215
00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:19,248
Yeah, makes sense.
216
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:23,044
Um, are--are there--
are there kids here?
217
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,879
No, of course not.
218
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:27,131
This fundraiser is
for the older, rich dads
219
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:29,050
with late-in-life kids
220
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,093
to open up their hearts
and their wallets
221
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:33,221
so the school can finally have
a botanical garden.
222
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,514
Totally.
223
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,765
Denise.
Waist, very snatched.
224
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,516
Ass, very fat.
225
00:08:37,516 --> 00:08:40,937
Also, I love Stephanie's
diorama on the Hoover Dam.
226
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,772
I learned so much.
227
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:45,942
[indistinct chatter]
228
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:48,277
Mmm.
That's, uh, quite good.
229
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,947
Ironically, it would pair well
with a nice dry Chablis.
230
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:51,864
[chuckles sarcastically]
231
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,325
That'd be super funny
if this wasn't NA.
232
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:55,284
Look who's
finally made it in.
233
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,328
It's Deborah Senior.
- Oh.
234
00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:58,955
Mom, this is Laurie,
my therapist.
235
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,957
She leads group.
236
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:03,793
Oh, so you're the one
who got my little girl clean.
237
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,211
Well, my car insurance
owes you a gift basket.
238
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:08,464
- [laughing]
- Okay.
239
00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:10,049
You crack me up.
240
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,008
I'm sorry I look crap.
241
00:09:11,008 --> 00:09:13,427
I mean, when DJ texted
that you were coming,
242
00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:15,179
I really wanted
to look my best.
243
00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:17,306
But my hairdresser had
a hip replacement, and I just--
244
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:19,642
I-I think it has quite
seriously affected her work.
245
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,477
- You look lovely.
- Oh, thank you.
246
00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:23,145
Oh, DJ, you need to Zelle me
247
00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:25,064
for dues
and the, um, caramel frappe.
248
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:27,066
- Mm, mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
249
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:30,403
Oh, while I remember,
which one was it?
250
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,487
- The five.
- That's right. I knew that.
251
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:33,322
[chuckles]
- Your garbage is in the way.
252
00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:36,117
There we go.
- Thank you so much.
253
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,077
Um, normally,
I have to say, you know,
254
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,954
don't be scared about speaking
to the group,
255
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,998
but I think this time,
you are going to be just fine.
256
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,165
Mark, no!
257
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,251
Just use a plate.
258
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:46,836
Sorry, guys, I just, um--
259
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,005
I just got to make sure
that everybody uses a plate,
260
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:49,922
'cause if there's
lots of crumbs,
261
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:51,173
there's lots of rats,
aren't there? Loads.
262
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:54,635
Thank you.
Sorry. Bye.
263
00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,345
She's great, right?
264
00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:57,972
Y-yeah.
265
00:09:57,972 --> 00:10:01,142
Um, so I have to say something?
- Yeah, duh.
266
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,102
Say a couple nice words,
present me with the chip.
267
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,228
It's not a big deal.
268
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:07,023
[indistinct chatter continues]
269
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:10,151
Okay.
270
00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:11,902
Like, tighter.
Even tighter.
271
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:12,737
Like, don't be afraid
to break a rib.
272
00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:15,823
[cell phone vibrates]
- Yeah. Yeah.
273
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:17,033
Sorry. One sec.
274
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,492
Hello?
- Hi.
275
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,411
I need you to write
a few words for me
276
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,204
about how proud I am of DJ
for being five years clean.
277
00:10:22,204 --> 00:10:24,040
Short, sweet,
nothing too maudlin.
278
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,875
Okay.
When do you need it by?
279
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,460
ASAP.
I'm here now.
280
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,170
Just text it to me.
281
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,172
All right, I'll send
you something in a minute.
282
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,715
- Who was that?
- Deborah.
283
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:37,178
She wants me to write something
for DJ's recovery group.
284
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,554
Mm, that's messed up.
285
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:40,556
Isn't that, like,
personal stuff?
286
00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:42,892
What, she want you to write
her diary entries for her, too?
287
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:44,060
I did once write
her food journal
288
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,478
for "Woman's Day" magazine.
289
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,438
It was pretty good.
- Ava...
290
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:50,941
look at yourself in the mirror.
291
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:55,905
You are a bad bitch, in-demand
executive producer now.
292
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:58,324
Co-producer.
It's a couple levels below.
293
00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,700
You know that Deborah
used to treat me the same?
294
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,495
Expecting me to deal
blackjack at her house
295
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,455
on a moment's notice.
296
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:07,458
But then I had Luna,
and I said, Deborah, look,
297
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:10,336
my daughter is my number-one
priority right now.
298
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,213
If you want me to be somewhere,
299
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,215
you got to give me
at least 24 hours' notice
300
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,592
to get a babysitter.
- And that worked?
301
00:11:16,592 --> 00:11:18,177
No, but she did offer
302
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,388
to pay Luna's school tuition
here instead.
303
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,431
They have amazing after-school
care, so I can go whenever.
304
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,433
But the point is,
I did set that boundary.
305
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:27,728
And now Luna can play
the French horn.
306
00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:30,272
- [chuckles softly]
- You've got to set boundaries
307
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:34,693
and keep things appropriate.
308
00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:36,445
- You're right.
- Yeah.
309
00:11:36,445 --> 00:11:37,279
Can you sprinkle
some of this glitter
310
00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:39,740
on the top of my ass crack?
311
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,617
Like, just blow on it.
- Sure.
312
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:46,705
[exhales deeply]
313
00:11:46,705 --> 00:11:48,916
Dang, why is
your breath so hot?
314
00:11:48,916 --> 00:11:50,418
Sorry.
315
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:54,171
I am so happy to give you
this ten-year chip.
316
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:58,134
I love you.
[applause]
317
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,265
Thank you, Sarah.
318
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:07,309
And now, last but not least,
is Deborah
319
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:11,480
to give DJ her five-year chip.
320
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,692
[clears throat softly]
321
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,819
[sighs]
322
00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:18,737
DJ...
323
00:12:18,737 --> 00:12:22,825
I know sobriety has been
a difficult battle for you,
324
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,618
and I haven't always made
it easier.
325
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,496
But seeing you here
with your friends
326
00:12:27,496 --> 00:12:30,958
and seeing the progress
you've made
327
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,335
and the resilience you've shown
328
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,588
over the last
five years just...
329
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,632
fills my heart.
- [smacks lips]
330
00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:42,261
[applause]
331
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,515
Oh, thank you.
332
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:49,935
You know, DJ's childhood
wasn't what you'd call stable
333
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:52,396
or...
334
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:54,690
normal or even lucid.
335
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:55,816
You know, until she was seven,
she said the kitchen
336
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:58,903
was "the place where we kept
the batteries."
337
00:12:58,903 --> 00:12:59,945
[laughter]
338
00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:03,199
Every time she rode a bike,
she got pulled over.
339
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,576
[laughter]
340
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,620
In kindergarten, she learned
her ABCs backwards
341
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,873
so she could recite them
to a cop.
342
00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:14,835
No, but, seriously, we're
all, uh, really proud of DJ,
343
00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:19,340
and not just me--her whole
family and all her friends,
344
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,217
like Mario Cantone.
345
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:25,804
Speaking of Mario, by the way,
Mario Cantone is so gay...
346
00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:27,890
This casino-dealer mother
to second grader Luna
347
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:30,976
is not playing the odds
with this outfit.
348
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,145
It's Kiki Laos.
349
00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:35,397
[upbeat electronic music
playing]
350
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,441
[air horn blaring]
351
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,735
♪ ♪
352
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:42,530
[cheers and applause]
- [laughs]
353
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:45,908
♪ ♪
354
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:49,078
Hot.
355
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:50,871
[indistinct chatter]
356
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:54,291
[chuckles]
Well, that was fun.
357
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:55,459
I should be coming
to these things more often.
358
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:58,254
Are you fucking kidding me?
359
00:13:58,254 --> 00:13:59,797
All you had to do was focus
on me for just a few minutes,
360
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,841
but, no, you had to go
telling your shitty jokes.
361
00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:05,177
- "Shitty"?
- Mom.
362
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:05,970
I have been begging you to come
363
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:08,973
to these meetings with me
for years.
364
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:11,809
This place is important to me
and to my healing.
365
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,644
But, of course,
the first time you show up,
366
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,521
you just make it
all about yourself.
367
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,773
Well, to be fair,
all the jokes were about you.
368
00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:20,859
Oh, my God, you can't even
stop telling jokes now?
369
00:14:20,859 --> 00:14:24,154
I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I didn't do therapy good,
370
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:25,781
you know,
but at least I showed up.
371
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,783
Well, I really wish
you hadn't.
372
00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:29,076
You know, I don't need this.
373
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:31,787
I came, even though this is
a very important time for me.
374
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:34,039
Well, it's a very important
time for me, too, Mom.
375
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:35,457
I'm pregnant.
376
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:43,215
Well, I wish I wasn't finding
out like this.
377
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:44,425
I wasn't supposed
to tell anybody
378
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,970
until after the anatomy scan,
because, technically, it's--
379
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:48,762
it's a geriatric pregnancy.
380
00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:53,142
Don't you dare say
a goddamn word!
381
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,310
Honey, I...
382
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:58,230
Wow. It's...
383
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,857
Congratulations.
This is amazing.
384
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:04,194
Come on, give me a hug.
- I'm not giving you a hug.
385
00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:07,239
You know, one of the very first
thoughts I had when I found out
386
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,199
that I was having a baby was,
387
00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:11,285
how do I protect my child
from getting fucked up by you
388
00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:14,204
for shit like this?
389
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,709
I'm walking home.
390
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:22,046
Oh, come on,
at least take an Uber.
391
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:24,840
I'm locked out of my account!
392
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,885
[somber music]
393
00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:30,095
♪ ♪
394
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:32,097
[sighs]
395
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:37,019
♪ ♪
396
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:37,686
- Ew!
- W-what the hell?
397
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:39,688
Why doesn't anyone here knock?
398
00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:41,440
Why don't you shut
the bathroom door?
399
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,651
I don't have to shut
the door--it's my room.
400
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,027
Oh, I saw something.
401
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,487
What do you want?
[toilet flushes]
402
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:47,863
Well, I'll tell you
what I want.
403
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,074
What I want is to rip my mom
a new asshole.
404
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,075
So my roast jokes are gold,
405
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:54,203
but what I'm struggling with
is my catchphrase.
406
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,871
"Catchphrase"?
407
00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,748
Yeah, every good comedian
has a catchphrase.
408
00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,041
Your mom doesn't.
409
00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,542
Well, not anymore,
410
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,044
but she used to say,
"Put down the fork!"
411
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,046
- Right.
- So this is what I'm thinking.
412
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:06,382
Are you ready?
413
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,759
What a cunt!
414
00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:11,428
Oh--Wow.
415
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,263
That is strong.
- Yeah.
416
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:15,891
Um, can I hear
what else you've written?
417
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:17,810
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, um...
418
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,062
All right, my mom's so old,
419
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,397
her social security number
is 2.
420
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:24,274
What a cunt!
421
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:27,027
[chuckles] Um, yeah,
that--that sounds
422
00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:28,570
like it came
out of, like, a joke book.
423
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,572
Yeah, that's where I got it.
424
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:32,574
Is that not allowed?
- Not really.
425
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:33,742
Hmm.
426
00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:37,705
Ooh, what if I change
the number 2 to 69?
427
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,039
Not really the issue.
428
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:40,290
- 420?
- Yeah, we--
429
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,418
I don't know
any other funny numbers.
430
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,586
It--it's more so
the--the joke book thing.
431
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:46,755
Made me laugh.
Okay, um...
432
00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:48,757
Oh, God, you're going to die.
This is so good.
433
00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:51,093
Okay, my mom's always
on her phone
434
00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:52,428
looking at real estate apps.
435
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:54,388
I'm like,
stop looking for houses
436
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:57,141
and start looking
for a damn grave site.
437
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,642
What a cunt!
438
00:16:58,642 --> 00:16:59,810
Vicious.
439
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:02,187
- She's old.
- [chuckles]
440
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:03,981
Um, okay.
441
00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,567
So I'm feeling like for you,
maybe one-liners
442
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,110
is not going to be, like,
necessarily the way to go.
443
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:11,947
What if you tried telling
funny stories about your mom
444
00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,158
from, like,
real-life experiences?
445
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:15,534
Wait.
446
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:19,580
You're saying that the truth
might hurt her more.
447
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:23,417
- Yeah.
- Whatever hurts her the most.
448
00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:24,626
- Yeah.
- Okay.
449
00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:27,463
Okay.
You are good.
450
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:28,464
Yeah, yeah,
I'm all right.
451
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:30,799
I'm pregnant.
452
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:32,968
What?
Holy shit.
453
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,636
- Give me a hug.
- Congrats.
454
00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:38,265
Oh, my God.
Congratulations.
455
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:41,685
Oh, I'm going to be an uncle.
456
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,896
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
457
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,898
I'm really--
really feeling nauseous.
458
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,816
Do you have
any plain crackers in here?
459
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:49,610
- Um, yeah.
- Thank you.
460
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:52,488
- Yeah, I actually do.
- Yeah, yeah, could you hurry?
461
00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:54,031
Hey.
462
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,158
So, just so you know,
463
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:59,620
DJ asked me to help
with her roast material.
464
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:00,704
Oh.
465
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,664
How is it?
466
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:05,083
It's, um...
[smacks lips, chuckles]
467
00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:09,046
Have you thought about maybe
having her not do it?
468
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:12,090
- Oh, God, is it that bad?
- Yeah.
469
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:14,134
I don't want her
to embarrass herself,
470
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:16,095
especially if she's pregnant.
471
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,888
Congratulations, by the way.
472
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:21,183
If you're looking for a name,
Ava is beautiful--
473
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,185
very hot-girl vibes.
474
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,728
Okay.
475
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:25,479
I'll talk to her.
476
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,856
About the name?
477
00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:29,483
About the roast.
478
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,194
[smooth music]
479
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:35,531
♪ ♪
480
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:37,199
[knock at door]
481
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:40,994
What do you want?
482
00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:42,830
- May I come in?
- You may not.
483
00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:45,874
Okay. Okay, listen,
I feel terrible,
484
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:47,876
terrible about what happened
the other night,
485
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,545
and I want to help you out.
486
00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:50,879
I want to set you and Aidan up
487
00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:52,714
with round-the-clock
nanny care.
488
00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:54,508
I want to hire a chef who
can come up with a meal plan
489
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,093
to make sure you're getting
enough folate.
490
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:58,220
And I'm going to buy some
baby toys that educate
491
00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:00,055
but also have no sound.
- Yeah.
492
00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:02,641
Uh, no, thank you.
I don't need anything from you.
493
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,810
I'm perfectly capable
of handling this pregnancy
494
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,144
on my own.
495
00:19:06,144 --> 00:19:08,063
I--Yeah.
496
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:10,899
Um, well, look, at least let me
help you out with the roast.
497
00:19:10,899 --> 00:19:13,569
I-I know from experience
how stressful performing can be
498
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,070
when you're pregnant.
499
00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:17,197
So I came up
with an entire set for you.
500
00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:18,657
All you have to do is stand up
there and read it--easy peasy.
501
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,909
Oh, my God!
502
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:23,579
This is my Cornell admissions
essay all over again.
503
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:25,247
I wrote you a gorgeous essay.
504
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:27,916
News flash, Mom--
I'm stronger than you think,
505
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:29,751
and I'm going to do
the roast my way,
506
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:31,169
and I'm going to crush it.
507
00:19:31,169 --> 00:19:33,422
And when I'm done doing
my roast all over you,
508
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:36,633
they're probably going to offer
me a late-night show.
509
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:38,010
I just don't want
you to get hurt.
510
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,761
You're the one
who's going to get hurt
511
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,263
when I rip you a new one.
512
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:44,224
Please, please,
let's not fight.
513
00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:46,351
I-I just want to support you
514
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:49,438
and my future granddaughter.
515
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:51,440
You don't know
the gender yet.
516
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,276
Well, they say little girls
steal your beauty,
517
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:57,154
and your hair's been looking
a little bit thinner.
518
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:58,655
[screams]
519
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:02,826
[upbeat music]
520
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:06,496
[singer scatting]
521
00:20:06,496 --> 00:20:08,957
I was so relieved
when we got Mario.
522
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:12,044
I know. He's going to bring
amazing energy.
523
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,004
Oh, wait, have you seen any
of DJ's jokes?
524
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:15,756
How are they?
- No. I don't know.
525
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,633
She wouldn't send them in
for the prompter.
526
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:20,928
- Oh.
- I know.
527
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,137
Hello.
528
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:24,681
- Oh, hello, Ava.
- What's up?
529
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:26,892
Nice to see you, Ava.
530
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,560
Don't worry, Mom.
They're almost done with me.
531
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,354
I'm sure they're going
to need all hands on deck
532
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:31,396
to finish you up.
- Oh, make sure
533
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:33,690
you contour her nose
and fill in those eyebrows.
534
00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:36,985
She's an over-tweezer.
535
00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:39,988
[knock at door]
- Sorry to intrude,
536
00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:42,157
but I couldn't wait to meet
the Deborah Vance.
537
00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:44,785
Hi, I'm Jack Danby.
- Hi.
538
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,870
Nice to meet a young man
with manners.
539
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:48,747
Well, it's nice to meet
a young woman with class.
540
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:49,498
Oh, please.
[both chuckle]
541
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:51,124
And I love seeing
a man who knows
542
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:53,877
how to dress for these events.
- Thank you.
543
00:20:53,877 --> 00:20:56,254
No, I'm always saying, I was
born in the wrong generation.
544
00:20:56,254 --> 00:20:58,465
I-I hate athleisure wear,
and I love to drink at lunch.
545
00:20:58,465 --> 00:20:59,633
[both laugh]
546
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:02,427
But, seriously, I-I-I can't
tell you what an honor it is
547
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:03,261
to share the stage with you.
548
00:21:03,261 --> 00:21:05,555
You're, like, one
of my comedic idols.
549
00:21:05,555 --> 00:21:07,849
So I wanted to tell you
that before I eviscerate you
550
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:09,351
on national television.
551
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,185
Oh, I appreciate that.
552
00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:13,271
I'll see you out there.
- Can't wait.
553
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,901
Now, that...
554
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:20,195
is a funny young man.
555
00:21:20,195 --> 00:21:21,571
Hmm.
556
00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:22,698
I don't think
I've ever heard you call
557
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:25,283
someone funny who didn't have
a chromosomal disorder.
558
00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:27,202
Oh, don't talk
about yourself that way.
559
00:21:27,202 --> 00:21:28,370
[chuckles wryly]
560
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:31,206
Ladies and gentlemen,
are you ready?
561
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:34,209
[cheers and applause]
562
00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:36,878
I said, are you ready?
- All right, girl.
563
00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:38,880
I have to spit out
my lozenge.
564
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,717
Damien! Damien!
565
00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:45,220
Deborah Vance!
566
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:48,223
[cheers and applause]
567
00:21:48,223 --> 00:21:51,643
[upbeat music]
568
00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:57,858
♪ ♪
569
00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:00,235
Thank you very much.
570
00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:02,029
Welcome.
571
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:03,697
I'm Mario Cantone.
572
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:05,574
You know, when I was asked
573
00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:09,369
to be the roast master
for a trailblazing icon,
574
00:22:09,369 --> 00:22:11,246
I immediately said yes.
575
00:22:11,246 --> 00:22:12,998
But then a couple
of days later,
576
00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:14,750
they called back and said
Angela Lansbury just died,
577
00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:18,003
so never mind.
578
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,172
Anyway, we are here
579
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:23,133
to celebrate Deborah Vance.
580
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:25,427
[cheers and applause]
Oh, yes.
581
00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:29,347
So our first comedian is
the nicest guy in Hollywood,
582
00:22:29,347 --> 00:22:32,225
which is what people say
when you are pretty
583
00:22:32,225 --> 00:22:33,935
and you have no talent.
584
00:22:33,935 --> 00:22:37,731
Please welcome Jack Danby.
585
00:22:37,731 --> 00:22:40,358
[cheers and applause]
586
00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:50,327
Deborah is so old, she still
calls movies the talkies.
587
00:22:50,327 --> 00:22:51,536
It's not her fault, though.
588
00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:55,290
You don't know what they are
if you can't get cast in them.
589
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,501
Deborah, you're
an important reminder
590
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,461
of what my future
could look like...
591
00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:01,630
if I don't find
a decent plastic surgeon
592
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:02,964
and just allow a carpenter
to rebuild my face.
593
00:23:02,964 --> 00:23:06,301
Deborah is so old,
594
00:23:06,301 --> 00:23:09,930
she remembers when Roe and Wade
were still very good friends.
595
00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:13,266
Deborah Vance is
on my personal Mount Rushmore.
596
00:23:13,266 --> 00:23:15,977
And by that, I mean, I thought
she died, like, 200 years ago,
597
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:18,688
and she probably owned slaves.
598
00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:21,441
Tell me, sis.
Not today. Not me.
599
00:23:21,441 --> 00:23:24,945
Okay, maybe just for one night.
I'll do some light cleaning.
600
00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:27,072
Deborah's jokes
are so cheap,
601
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:30,784
you'd think the kids in
her QVC sweatshops make them.
602
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:31,993
Give them water!
They're working so hard!
603
00:23:31,993 --> 00:23:34,538
I've never understood
604
00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:37,290
why Deborah
is so huge with gay men.
605
00:23:37,290 --> 00:23:38,458
You are so popular
with gay men.
606
00:23:38,458 --> 00:23:42,170
Never got that, and then
I met her, and I realized,
607
00:23:42,170 --> 00:23:43,255
oh, she smells like poppers,
608
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:46,174
and her face looks
like a nut sack.
609
00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:49,511
There you go. Are you enjoying
your evening out?
610
00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:51,721
As we have all made
clear tonight,
611
00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:54,558
Deborah Vance has made a lot
of mistakes in her career.
612
00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:59,354
But I'm happy to bring up
her biggest mistake of all--
613
00:23:59,354 --> 00:24:01,773
her daughter, DJ.
614
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:04,234
You may know DJ
from her D'Jewelry line,
615
00:24:04,234 --> 00:24:09,990
which is so ugly,
she belongs in d'jail.
616
00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:12,826
Everyone, please welcome
DJ Vance.
617
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:15,787
[cheers and applause]
618
00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:19,374
Whoo!
619
00:24:19,374 --> 00:24:24,254
[cheers and applause continues,
then fades]
620
00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:25,046
Hi, I'm DJ Vance.
621
00:24:25,046 --> 00:24:28,633
My mom is here tonight...
622
00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:31,845
is something I could never
say at a ballet recital.
623
00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:35,265
Um, a lot of people
think my mom
624
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:37,976
was a negligent,
inattentive mother.
625
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:43,190
No, I'm just kidding.
626
00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:45,734
My mom gave me
everything I have--
627
00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:49,321
a house, an education,
crippling anxiety,
628
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:52,657
bipolar disorder,
multiple subpoenas.
629
00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:54,826
What a cunt!
630
00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:59,539
You know, a lot of people
don't know this,
631
00:24:59,539 --> 00:25:00,248
but I was a C-section birth.
632
00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:03,084
Yeah, not
for any medical reasons,
633
00:25:03,084 --> 00:25:05,462
but because my mom
says, and I quote,
634
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:07,589
"I'm known for my grip."
635
00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:11,343
What a cunt!
636
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:14,638
Wow.
637
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:16,514
Okay, I was wrong,
really wrong.
638
00:25:16,514 --> 00:25:18,266
You know, some of you
may know this,
639
00:25:18,266 --> 00:25:21,186
but my mom
is always collecting antiques.
640
00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:24,231
I'm like, bitch,
you are an antique.
641
00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:26,066
What a cunt!
642
00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:27,901
Anyway, before I go,
643
00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:30,403
I do just want to say
one last thing to you, Mom.
644
00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:32,530
And I have to apologize--
I know you don't like
645
00:25:32,530 --> 00:25:35,575
when I get all sappy
and sentimental, but...
646
00:25:35,575 --> 00:25:38,787
we've been through
a hell of a lot together.
647
00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:41,248
And I know that we don't
always say this to each other,
648
00:25:41,248 --> 00:25:42,165
but it's important
to me that you know
649
00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:44,584
that written on my heart
650
00:25:44,584 --> 00:25:47,796
will always be
those three little words...
651
00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:51,633
all:
What a cunt!
652
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:53,760
[cheers and applause,
whistling]
653
00:25:53,760 --> 00:26:01,643
♪ ♪
654
00:26:01,643 --> 00:26:05,689
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
655
00:26:05,689 --> 00:26:06,356
- You were so funny.
- Stop.
656
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:08,608
- You killed it.
- Thank you.
657
00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:10,193
- I'm gonna get you a drink.
- Thanks.
658
00:26:10,193 --> 00:26:12,362
- DJ.
- Mm.
659
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:15,323
- You were incredible.
- Mom, that was amazing.
660
00:26:15,323 --> 00:26:17,158
I have never experienced
anything like that before.
661
00:26:17,158 --> 00:26:18,827
I finally get it.
- [laughs]
662
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:21,329
What?
663
00:26:21,329 --> 00:26:23,456
Why comedy was always the
most important thing to you.
664
00:26:23,456 --> 00:26:24,541
You know, I spent
my whole life thinking
665
00:26:24,541 --> 00:26:27,419
you were a narcissist,
but it turns out...
666
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:30,380
you're actually an addict
like me.
667
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:32,507
You're addicted
to getting laughs.
668
00:26:32,507 --> 00:26:35,510
And, I mean, I can go to group
to stay sober, but you can't.
669
00:26:35,510 --> 00:26:37,429
Your addiction is the group.
670
00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:40,015
There's no hope for you.
671
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:42,225
Oh, my God,
I feel so much better.
672
00:26:42,225 --> 00:26:44,894
Oh, good...
I think.
673
00:26:44,894 --> 00:26:47,439
Um, well, anyway,
you were just amazing.
674
00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:50,984
And I'm sorry
I ever underestimated you.
675
00:26:50,984 --> 00:26:52,652
Thank you.
676
00:26:52,652 --> 00:26:55,196
If you ever want me to go
back to group with you--
677
00:26:55,196 --> 00:26:56,281
No, no, no, I'm good.
678
00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:59,034
I'm sorry
about the way I acted.
679
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:00,160
That's okay.
680
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:04,122
Addicts always hurt
the ones they love.
681
00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:06,458
And it's
completely noninvasive?
682
00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:07,375
Completely.
683
00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:09,210
You were on bed rest
for two weeks.
684
00:27:09,210 --> 00:27:10,253
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
685
00:27:10,253 --> 00:27:12,380
I mean, that's huge.
686
00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:15,717
And I will say, it couldn't
happen to a nicer guy.
687
00:27:15,717 --> 00:27:17,218
Someone funnier, yes.
688
00:27:17,218 --> 00:27:18,928
[laughter]
689
00:27:18,928 --> 00:27:20,805
What are we
congratulating you on?
690
00:27:20,805 --> 00:27:22,724
A Deadline article
just came out.
691
00:27:22,724 --> 00:27:24,559
Danny Collins is retiring,
692
00:27:24,559 --> 00:27:28,730
and apparently Jack is the
front-runner to replace him.
693
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,398
Is that right?
694
00:27:30,398 --> 00:27:33,276
It's just a rumor right now,
so I don't know.
695
00:27:33,276 --> 00:27:35,445
- What don't you know?
- Well, uh...
696
00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:38,448
No, no, no, no, it's great.
It's great.
697
00:27:38,448 --> 00:27:40,700
You're perfect for it.
You're generically funny.
698
00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:42,369
[laughter]
699
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:44,913
Excuse us.
700
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,998
I guess you don't find
him funny anymore.
701
00:27:46,998 --> 00:27:49,000
- Smug piece of shit.
- Ooh.
702
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:49,959
Come on, we got work to do.
703
00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:53,880
♪ ♪
704
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,174
Good morning.
705
00:27:56,174 --> 00:27:59,094
I thought you might want
your lozenge back.
706
00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:00,261
Ew, no.
707
00:28:00,261 --> 00:28:02,347
God, that's been in your hand.
708
00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:05,100
God knows how many germs there
are in that giant ecosystem.
709
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:07,268
Perfect segue.
710
00:28:07,268 --> 00:28:09,521
I'm only here
for another 86 days.
711
00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:11,481
So I would love to set
some boundaries
712
00:28:11,481 --> 00:28:12,273
for our working relationship.
713
00:28:12,273 --> 00:28:14,734
"Boundaries"?
Okay.
714
00:28:14,734 --> 00:28:15,860
I would prefer that you use
the outdoor shower.
715
00:28:15,860 --> 00:28:18,279
I'm serious, okay?
This isn't the same as before.
716
00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:20,448
I'm a co-producer now.
717
00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:23,451
[gasps]
Ooh, la, la, a co-producer.
718
00:28:24,828 --> 00:28:28,415
Oh, fine, fine.
What do you want?
719
00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:30,542
Well, to start, I would like
you to stop handing me things
720
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:32,293
that have been
inside your mouth
721
00:28:32,293 --> 00:28:34,421
or asking me to fire people.
722
00:28:34,421 --> 00:28:36,506
Fine. Deal.
723
00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:38,049
I'm actually not done.
724
00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:40,135
I want you to knock
before you enter my room.
725
00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:43,513
I want clearer-cut set work
hours with overtime pay.
726
00:28:43,513 --> 00:28:45,140
I'm not going to be writing
personal material
727
00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:46,850
for you anymore.
728
00:28:46,850 --> 00:28:49,018
And no more jokes
about my physical appearance.
729
00:28:49,018 --> 00:28:51,604
Yeah, nothing
about my face, my hair,
730
00:28:51,604 --> 00:28:53,731
you know, what I'm wearing,
what I'm eating,
731
00:28:53,731 --> 00:28:55,984
and, most importantly,
the size of my hands.
732
00:28:55,984 --> 00:28:58,820
Oh, come on, now,
those are grandfathered in.
733
00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:02,365
I can go back
to LA right now.
734
00:29:02,365 --> 00:29:03,575
All right. All right.
735
00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:07,495
I agree to your terms...
but on one condition.
736
00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:09,956
I'm not going to your
bra lady for a fitting, okay?
737
00:29:09,956 --> 00:29:11,583
My bra fits fine.
738
00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:13,251
Yeah, it kind of hurts,
but that's what bras are.
739
00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:14,669
No, no, no, no, no, no.
740
00:29:14,669 --> 00:29:16,296
While you're here,
741
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:18,965
you make time
to work on your own stuff.
742
00:29:18,965 --> 00:29:20,842
Oh.
743
00:29:20,842 --> 00:29:22,051
Okay.
744
00:29:22,051 --> 00:29:26,431
Deal.
745
00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:28,057
Okay, cool.
746
00:29:28,057 --> 00:29:30,143
So you're doing Hoda
on Monday, right?
747
00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:31,811
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
748
00:29:31,811 --> 00:29:32,687
So I feel like
over the weekend,
749
00:29:32,687 --> 00:29:35,356
I could probably get
some stuff together,
750
00:29:35,356 --> 00:29:36,816
but I think
the Carrot Top stuff
751
00:29:36,816 --> 00:29:38,151
is, like, pretty timeless.
752
00:29:38,151 --> 00:29:39,194
Um, but I also kind of had
the idea
753
00:29:39,194 --> 00:29:42,238
that maybe we bring out some
of the old footage,
754
00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:44,699
which kind of could be major,
755
00:29:44,699 --> 00:29:46,868
um, just since it's already
ready and you have that video.
756
00:29:46,868 --> 00:29:48,786
And, also, I think
that appeals to more
757
00:29:48,786 --> 00:29:49,829
of, like, a, you know,
wider crowd.
758
00:29:49,829 --> 00:29:52,373
That's something that can--
What's up, Josefina?
759
00:29:52,373 --> 00:29:53,875
- Ava.
- Yeah?
760
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:55,877
Do you need me
to give your hair CPR?
761
00:29:55,877 --> 00:29:57,378
Because it is
limp and lifeless.
762
00:29:57,378 --> 00:30:00,089
Oh, my God, are you serious?
763
00:30:00,089 --> 00:30:01,424
That is not fair.
- [laughing]
764
00:30:01,424 --> 00:30:03,384
[laughing]
No workarounds.
765
00:30:03,384 --> 00:30:06,346
- Also, Ava...
- No.
766
00:30:06,346 --> 00:30:08,389
I have started
the Mediterranean diet,
767
00:30:08,389 --> 00:30:10,058
and I am out of olive oil.
768
00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:11,392
Can I use your forehead?
769
00:30:11,392 --> 00:30:12,727
Oh.
770
00:30:12,727 --> 00:30:15,563
- [laughing]
- That's funny.
771
00:30:15,563 --> 00:30:18,566
{\an8}[singer screaming]
772
00:30:18,566 --> 00:30:20,735
{\an8}♪ ♪
773
00:30:20,735 --> 00:30:22,987
{\an8}[grunts]
Come on. Huh.
774
00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:28,076
{\an8}♪ People, let me tell you
what my woman told me today ♪
775
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:30,828
{\an8}♪ She said,
"Baby, I still love you ♪
776
00:30:30,828 --> 00:30:33,081
{\an8}♪ Love you
in the same old way" ♪
777
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:34,666
{\an8}♪ But you got to take care
of business ♪
778
00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:37,627
{\an8}♪ Like you're supposed to do ♪
779
00:30:37,627 --> 00:30:39,921
{\an8}♪ Or I ain't got
no other choice ♪
780
00:30:39,921 --> 00:30:41,631
{\an8}♪ I got to replace you ♪
781
00:30:41,631 --> 00:30:44,425
{\an8}♪ You better listen
to me, baby ♪
782
00:30:44,425 --> 00:30:46,844
{\an8}♪ Hear what I say ♪
783
00:30:46,844 --> 00:30:51,099
{\an8}♪ If you can't TCB,
you got to TYA ♪
784
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:55,353
{\an8}♪ Hey, hey! Come on ♪
- ♪ TCB or TYA ♪
785
00:30:55,353 --> 00:30:59,274
{\an8}- ♪ Got to, got to get it ♪
- ♪ TCB or TYA ♪
786
00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:00,900
{\an8}- ♪ Hear what I say ♪
787
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:02,944
{\an8}♪ She done tell me
about her friend ♪
788
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:05,196
{\an8}♪ Whose name is Mary Jane ♪
789
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:06,447
{\an8}♪ She said that her husband ♪
790
00:31:06,447 --> 00:31:09,701
{\an8}♪ Buys her everything ♪
791
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:11,911
{\an8}♪ I tried to make her
see the place ♪
792
00:31:11,911 --> 00:31:14,122
{\an8}♪ Where money
wasn't where it's at ♪
793
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:15,623
{\an8}♪ She said,
"If you ain't got none, huh ♪
794
00:31:15,623 --> 00:31:18,418
{\an8}♪ Think you better get
your hat" ♪
795
00:31:18,418 --> 00:31:20,962
{\an8}♪ You better listen
to me, baby ♪
796
00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:23,256
{\an8}♪ Hear what I say ♪
797
00:31:23,256 --> 00:31:25,508
{\an8}♪ If you can't TCB ♪
798
00:31:25,508 --> 00:31:26,676
{\an8}♪ You got to TYA ♪
799
00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:32,098
{\an8}♪ Hey, hey! ♪
- ♪ TCB or TYA ♪
800
00:31:32,098 --> 00:31:33,600
{\an8}- ♪ You got
to tear it on down ♪
801
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,727
{\an8}- ♪ TCB... ♪