1 00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:06,840 - Ladies, why do compression socks always 2 00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:09,592 make you look like you're about to be wheeled onto an airplane? 3 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,594 They scream, "I'm old." 4 00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,347 Well, not me and not these. 5 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:15,724 You want compression socks 6 00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:18,977 that say "Paris," not "hospice." 7 00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,562 You want-- [engine turning over] 8 00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:21,730 God damn it, Weed! 9 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,148 - You ruined another take. 10 00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:24,941 - It's so hot, Deb! 11 00:00:25,024 --> 00:00:27,277 We need to turn on the air conditioner! 12 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,071 - Well, as soon as I get a clean take, you can. 13 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,115 - Sweltering! 14 00:00:32,198 --> 00:00:34,617 - Uh, and, Deborah, you forgot the American flag print. 15 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,994 - Ugh. 16 00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:39,289 Stupid fucking American flag! Okay. 17 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:41,166 - Okay, uh, let's go from Halloween. 18 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:42,542 - All right. 19 00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:44,294 Ugh, you ready? - Yeah. 20 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:45,587 - Okay. - Ready. 21 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:49,382 - Now, pay special attention to these. 22 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:52,218 Look at those little witches flying on their little brooms. 23 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,137 Look at that artistry. 24 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:55,263 Fabulous. 25 00:00:55,972 --> 00:00:58,349 - Whew, those compression socks are fierce. 26 00:00:58,433 --> 00:00:59,476 - What do you want? 27 00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:00,852 - Oh, uh, I was just thinking 28 00:01:00,935 --> 00:01:02,479 maybe I should stay back with Damien and Weed 29 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:03,730 while you're on the cruise. 30 00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,231 - You're coming, and you'll love it. 31 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,525 Cruises are fabulous, especially gay ones. 32 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:09,694 - Sure, but being in the middle of the ocean 33 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,571 is maybe the scariest thing I can imagine, 34 00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,198 since I can't swim. 35 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:17,619 - You can't? - Yeah, I told you that. 36 00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:18,953 - Huh. 37 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:21,331 Must have blocked it out 'cause it's so sad. 38 00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,875 You'll wear a life jacket. - All right. 39 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,460 I guess gay men will be a good test audience 40 00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:26,961 for the show, so it's good if I'm there. 41 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:28,630 - No. No, no, no, no, no. 42 00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:30,340 No. This is a money gig. 43 00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:31,674 The people want the old stuff. 44 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:35,136 I'm doing the classics for my people. 45 00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,554 - Wealth hoarders? 46 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,432 - [laughs] 47 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:40,975 - Sorry. 48 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,852 - Okay. 49 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,187 Fucking hell. 50 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,271 Fuck! 51 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:48,358 [upbeat electronic music playing] 52 00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:49,776 ♪ ♪ 53 00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,194 - I was like, "Listen, bitch. 54 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,029 You have cankles. Don't tell me what to do." 55 00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:54,322 - Mm. 56 00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:55,573 - Mark, do you want some of this? 57 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,742 - Okay, again, it is Marcus. 58 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,994 And no, I have a breakfast meeting across town. 59 00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:01,246 - Wait, you're going to work right now? 60 00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:02,831 - Yup, it is 7:00 a.m. 61 00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:05,375 - Babe, we're your friends, and you need to make sure 62 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:07,293 you're prioritizing your mental health, okay? 63 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,295 - Seriously, like, we're not doing double shifts 64 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,756 until this weekend so we can have the week off. 65 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,174 - Okay, no offense, but I'm not a waiter. 66 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:16,386 I'm a CEO. - [chuckles] Okay, Gru. 67 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,096 [laughter] 68 00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:19,222 - Who is Gru? 69 00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:20,557 - From "Despicable Me." 70 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,392 Leader of the Minions, honey. 71 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,394 [laughter] 72 00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:26,354 - Oh, shit, can I get a couple Addies? 73 00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:28,189 - David, you just literally did cocaine. 74 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,692 - Yeah, I did. It's gone now. 75 00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:32,026 - Here. 76 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,319 All right, I'll see you guys tomorrow night. 77 00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:35,029 - Okay, go make a deal, Gru. 78 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,031 - Bye, Gru! 79 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,491 [laughter] - Bye, boys. 80 00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:39,742 - Wait, let's crush this. Let's crush this. 81 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,077 - Okay. 82 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,539 - Huh. Lot of ladies. 83 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,751 - Hey, Deb! - Oh, my God. 84 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:50,587 Margaret Cho. [laughs] 85 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,589 Great to see you. You look great. 86 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,757 - You look great. - Thanks. 87 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,426 So how were they? - Uh, 88 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:58,094 audiences, B-minus, 89 00:02:58,177 --> 00:03:00,763 but the cunnilingus, A-plus. 90 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,223 - Huh. 91 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:05,894 I-I thought this was a gay cruise. 92 00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,061 - It is. 93 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,438 Lesbians. 94 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:12,108 [ship horn blares] 95 00:03:12,191 --> 00:03:13,568 Good luck, Deb. 96 00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:16,571 [upbeat music] 97 00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:20,116 ♪ ♪ 98 00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:22,285 - Oh. This is amazing. 99 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:23,620 No wonder you love cruises. 100 00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:25,163 They're like the Vegas of the sea. 101 00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:26,414 - No, it's terrible. 102 00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:28,958 Gay men get me. They always have. 103 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,752 Lesbians aren't my crowd. 104 00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:32,462 And they're crawling all over this boat. 105 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:34,005 - Oh, it's not a boat. It's a ship. 106 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:37,133 - See? They don't like me for some reason. 107 00:03:37,216 --> 00:03:39,260 - Could it be your hundreds of thousands 108 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:42,013 of jokes at their expense over the years? 109 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,185 - I think they feel threatened. - Okay. 110 00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:49,938 I actually meant this was amazing for me, so... 111 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:51,898 - Nice Chacos! 112 00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:54,192 - Nice Chacos to you. 113 00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:55,360 - What'd you say? 114 00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:01,491 - Hey. 115 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,159 Do you guys by any chance make mocktails? 116 00:04:03,242 --> 00:04:04,577 - Yup, what can I get you? 117 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,079 - I'm trying not to drink alcohol right now 118 00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:07,830 'cause I make very bad decisions when I do, 119 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,165 which I know is like, "Duh," 120 00:04:09,248 --> 00:04:10,708 but when I think about the person-- 121 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,168 - What can I get you? 122 00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:13,836 - Could you do a nonalcoholic frosé? 123 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,213 - Yeah. 124 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:19,926 - Well, hello there, m'lady. 125 00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:21,052 - Hey, how's it going? 126 00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:22,720 - I don't think I have seen you 127 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,889 on one of these trips before. 128 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,557 - No, uh, first time, so... 129 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:29,811 - I know I'd remember that strawberry mane. 130 00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:32,188 - [laughs nervously] - Lord. 131 00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:34,190 - Yeah. - I'm Linda. 132 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,984 - Uh, Ava. 133 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,026 Nice to meet you. 134 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,403 - Ava. 135 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:41,364 - Oh. 136 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:44,867 [people giggling] 137 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,870 Wow. Who are they? 138 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,163 - Oh, them. 139 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,207 They come on all these cruises. 140 00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:53,584 They're a real Lavender Travel "it" couple. 141 00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:55,628 - So they're together? - Oh, yeah. 142 00:04:55,712 --> 00:05:00,049 But a lot of people open their relationships at sea. 143 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:03,177 Rules on land don't apply, you know? 144 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,512 - Right. 145 00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:06,389 That makes so much sense. - Right. 146 00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:09,225 - Water is different from land. 147 00:05:09,308 --> 00:05:10,268 [both chuckle] 148 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,020 Can you dump alcohol in that? 149 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,191 - Your pheromones are rocking, mama. 150 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:18,568 - [chuckles nervously] 151 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:19,861 Yeah. 152 00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:23,031 - I've been trying you. 153 00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:24,741 Your assistant said you were at anger management? 154 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:26,868 - She's not supposed to tell people that, but yes. 155 00:05:26,951 --> 00:05:28,202 Uh, it's horrible. 156 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,496 Russell Crowe is my accountability partner. 157 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:31,914 - Does he scream a lot? 158 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,458 - Worse. He just whispers. 159 00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:34,876 Pretty sure he's a climate terrorist, 160 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,252 because he talks a lot 161 00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:38,421 about "finding the oilmen in their homes." 162 00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:40,506 - Oh, my God. - Chilling. 163 00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,717 Anyway, how are you? - Not great. 164 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,969 I'm surrounded by lesbians. 165 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,597 - Huh. I did want to talk to you, actually, 166 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,849 about the casino showcase. - Oh, good. 167 00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:52,602 - Okay, hear me out. Kind of interesting idea here. 168 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:55,271 What do you think about a residency 169 00:05:55,354 --> 00:05:57,106 at Terrible's casino? 170 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,525 - Jimmy, Terrible's is 40 minutes off the Strip. 171 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:01,944 - I know. I know it's not ideal. 172 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,238 Look, I have been having some trouble 173 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,782 booking casinos on the Strip 174 00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,659 or, honestly, even slightly off the Strip. 175 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:13,081 - Well, just, you know, 176 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,832 keep--keep on 'em. 177 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,501 - Yeah, I-I will. 178 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:20,838 And, um, good luck with the, um, lesbians. 179 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,632 - Yeah, thanks, Jimmy. Okay. 180 00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:24,342 I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye. 181 00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,761 - Hey. How's Jimmy? 182 00:06:26,844 --> 00:06:28,971 - He's good, and good news about the showcase. 183 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:31,557 MGM is very interested. - Amazing. 184 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:34,060 And in more amazing news, I've been thinking. 185 00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:36,270 And since we're in international waters, 186 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:39,190 I think it's different, and so I can drink. 187 00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:40,608 - I don't care. 188 00:06:40,691 --> 00:06:42,485 These are just artificial rules 189 00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:44,654 you make up for yourself. 190 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:46,656 You should be writing jokes for me. 191 00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,533 I mean, you speak lesbian, right, 192 00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:50,701 'cause you're half? - Deborah. 193 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:52,203 - Deborah Vance? 194 00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:54,330 Oh, my God, I can't believe you're on this cruise. 195 00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:56,833 - Hi. - See? You have fans here. 196 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:59,877 - I bought a pair of your jean-ish ankle leggings on QVC. 197 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,921 - Oh, one of the best sellers, yeah. 198 00:07:02,004 --> 00:07:03,589 Feels like you're not wearing pants. 199 00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,967 Cheaper than taking a family of four to the movies. 200 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:08,761 - Yeah, well, the elastic band gave out after one wash. 201 00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,431 I've been trying to return them for months. 202 00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,350 - Oh. Well, you know what? 203 00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:16,185 I think you'll find that if you contact 204 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,271 our crack QVC customer care service team, 205 00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:20,523 they will take care of you in a jiffy. 206 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,859 You'll have to excuse us. We're going to the buffet. 207 00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,735 - Mm. I've been wanting to go the buffet. 208 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,112 - I would never. 209 00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:27,822 I'm not gonna eat food that's been seasoned 210 00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:29,824 with the breath of 300 people, thank you very much. 211 00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:31,450 - Okay, well, I'm gonna go. 212 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,244 - Bon appétit. 213 00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:34,871 [funky music] 214 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:38,040 - ♪ Gotta let a woman be a woman ♪ 215 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,543 ♪ And let a man be a man ♪ 216 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,044 - I'm fairly certain I sent that email. 217 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,296 Is there no way to avoid delay? 218 00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:45,131 Jesus. [indistinct chatter] 219 00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:46,841 No, not you. Sorry. 220 00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:48,926 Let me call you right back. 221 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:50,720 What are you doing here? 222 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,513 I told you I needed to get work done today. 223 00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:55,808 - Well, Joe looked like he needed a belly rub. 224 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,393 - What do you mean looked like? - Well, 225 00:07:57,476 --> 00:08:00,438 we watch the puppy on the puppy cam all day. 226 00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:01,814 - What? Why? 227 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,983 - Well, because we needed a puppy fix 228 00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:06,611 and you have a puppy. 229 00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:10,823 - Honey, your place is a mess, by the way. 230 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,910 You cannot be employee of the month 231 00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:17,413 and be the last one to leave the club every night, Marcus. 232 00:08:17,496 --> 00:08:19,540 - So you break into my house, then tell me how to live. 233 00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:21,000 - Honey, I'm just trying to help. 234 00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,585 - Okay, Mom, stop. I'll get it. 235 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,045 I'll take care of it, just like I take care 236 00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:25,671 of you two and everything else. 237 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,965 - Excuse me, I am very self-sufficient. 238 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,760 Who are you talking to? You better check your boy. 239 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:33,721 - Okay, maybe we should go. 240 00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:35,014 - Yeah, I think you should. 241 00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,849 And I'm changing my puppy cam password. 242 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,392 - Well, good, 'cause I don't want to see you 243 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,436 walk around butt-ass naked noway. 244 00:08:40,519 --> 00:08:42,855 - Oh, my God. 245 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:46,567 - ♪ Mama told me to watch out ♪ 246 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:49,278 ♪ You better look out, look out ♪ 247 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,657 - So, Dad, 248 00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:56,077 you always wanted to see the Caribbean. 249 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,745 - Hey. 250 00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:58,996 - Hey. 251 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,164 - You play? 252 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,959 - Oh, uh, tennis? 253 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,752 Yeah, I hit. 254 00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,545 So annoyed there's not a court on the boat. 255 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:09,173 - It's a ship. - Oh, right, sorry. 256 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,300 - But, um, do you know where pool two is? 257 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,718 - Yeah. Yeah, it's just-- 258 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,262 I think it's just past the zip line. 259 00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:16,222 - Thanks. 260 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,226 Are you going to the "she-ano" bar tonight? 261 00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,853 - Uh, yeah, I'll be there. 262 00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:26,232 Music is-- lets my soul on fire, 263 00:09:26,315 --> 00:09:29,151 so yeah, I'm going. - Great. 264 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,821 I can't wait to see you then. 265 00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:35,491 - Uh, you--I--also. 266 00:09:35,574 --> 00:09:38,369 - ♪ I, I, I ♪ 267 00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:41,372 ♪ Am somebody ♪ 268 00:09:41,455 --> 00:09:42,832 ♪ ♪ 269 00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:44,333 I heard there are 270 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,752 multiple Olympic athletes on board. 271 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,379 Apparently if we were a country, 272 00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:52,008 we'd place at least fifth in medals overall--at least. 273 00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,467 - Yippee. 274 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:54,885 - You want to come out tonight, 275 00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:58,014 be my wingman--wing...person? 276 00:09:58,097 --> 00:09:59,682 - No, I'm gonna stay, and I'm gonna take 277 00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:01,017 one of those depression naps 278 00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,476 you're always raving about. 279 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,353 - Okay, jealous. 280 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,355 [cell phone chimes and buzzes] 281 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:09,692 - Oh, no. I missed a call from Marcus. 282 00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:11,235 Ugh, I'm gonna murder him. 283 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:12,820 This is not like him. 284 00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:14,530 He messed this cruise up big-time. 285 00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:16,615 - Well, maybe you need to blow off some steam. 286 00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:17,908 - No, thank you. 287 00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,660 But if you're planning on seducing 288 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:22,163 any of these women out there, you should fix your nails. 289 00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:23,831 - I did them. They're beautiful. 290 00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:25,666 - Yeah, if you did them while riding a jackhammer. 291 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,251 - [scoffs] - No, look, 292 00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:28,544 let me clean them up. 293 00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:29,712 - Okay. 294 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,881 [cell phone ringing] 295 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,342 - [gasps] Marty. 296 00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,218 Why is Marty FaceTiming me? 297 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,180 - FaceTime at night? Maybe he wants to, you know. 298 00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:40,473 - No. 299 00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:41,557 How's my lipstick? 300 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,100 - It looks good. - [groans] 301 00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:46,062 Shit, why does he do these things to me? 302 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,022 - Oh, my God, you're stunning. 303 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,026 - Hey, hey. Hello. 304 00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:54,236 - God damn it. Chunked that one. 305 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,739 - Hello? Marty. 306 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:59,075 - Oh, hey, Deb. 307 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,077 I must have butt-dialed you. 308 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,286 How you doing? 309 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,372 - Oh, um, I'm great. 310 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:05,790 I'm good. How are you? 311 00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:07,583 - I'm over 90 with three holes to go. 312 00:11:07,666 --> 00:11:10,419 But other than that, I'm doing great. 313 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,088 - Over 90 with three holes to go? 314 00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:13,464 You sound like Hugh Hefner. 315 00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:15,091 - [chuckles] Listen, I gotta run. 316 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,259 Take care. Hey, thanks for calling, Deb. 317 00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:18,719 - I didn't call-- [FaceTime disconnects] 318 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,060 - Golf is racist, right? 319 00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:28,104 - Go wash your hands. - Absolutely. 320 00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:31,107 [soft music] 321 00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:36,445 ♪ ♪ 322 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,283 Can I ask you something? 323 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,077 - Oh, God. - [chuckles] 324 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,162 - You know, with all the invasive questions 325 00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:48,124 you ask without permission, I can only imagine what 326 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:50,167 perverse road we're about to go down. 327 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,711 - No, it's just... 328 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,130 I've been thinking about the way 329 00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:58,384 you talk about sex in your act, and... 330 00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:03,722 you have all these jokes about unfulfilling sex with men. 331 00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,641 - It's just a part of my shtick. 332 00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:08,060 - Right, but... 333 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,813 that plus what I think would be considered 334 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:14,275 an abundance of k.d. lang material-- 335 00:12:14,358 --> 00:12:17,736 I'm not trying to negate your identity, but... 336 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,323 Have you ever considered 337 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,033 being with a woman? 338 00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:24,827 - Yeah. 339 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,204 I'm with one right now, and I wish I wasn't. 340 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:29,957 - Okay. Come on. 341 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,584 - I like men. 342 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:33,502 So no, I've never considered it. 343 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,255 There are times that I wished I was gay 344 00:12:36,338 --> 00:12:38,132 because I think dating women would be 345 00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:40,676 a hell of a lot easier. 346 00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:43,429 - But it wouldn't have actually been, right? 347 00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:45,931 To be queer when you grew up? 348 00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,477 - No, no, it wouldn't have been. 349 00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:51,770 But doesn't really matter. 350 00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,147 You know, I got a crush on Paul McCartney 351 00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,608 in seventh grade and never looked back. 352 00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:57,902 - That is the straightest Beatle to have a crush on. 353 00:12:57,985 --> 00:13:03,073 But have you ever considered, like, why you like men? 354 00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:05,159 - I don't understand that question. 355 00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:07,119 In my day, there were two options: 356 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,537 you liked one, or you liked the other. 357 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,039 I mean, why do some people like jazz, 358 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,207 some people like classical? 359 00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:13,209 You just like what you like. 360 00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:15,294 - Sure, but that's the thing. 361 00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:19,924 I have listened to all kinds of music, 362 00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:22,635 and I'm not saying you're wrong to like men-- 363 00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:24,720 I am into men too, sadly-- 364 00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:27,056 but I just, like-- 365 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:32,019 I've realized that sometimes I conflate the rush I feel 366 00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:33,979 when a man shows interest in me 367 00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,232 with actual feelings of attraction, 368 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,442 which makes sense because it feels good 369 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,653 to get attention from the group that's held up as, like, 370 00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:44,573 the leader gods of society or whatever. 371 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,243 - But I thought you were born gay or straight, 372 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:49,787 and I have conceded that there are 373 00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:52,414 an elite few that are born bisexual. 374 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,416 I mean, isn't that what your generation's all about, 375 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,085 you know, "born this way"? 376 00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,795 - I just think there's room for more nuance. 377 00:13:57,878 --> 00:14:01,966 Like, not every queer person feels like they arrive 378 00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,009 into existence with an attraction to, like, 379 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:08,347 a specific kind of person, and that's okay too. 380 00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,058 Your sexuality isn't a choice, 381 00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:16,230 but whether or not you examine it, I think, is. 382 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:18,607 - Hmm. 383 00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:21,986 - Do you even know where you are on the Kinsey scale? 384 00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:23,487 It's a really handy tool. 385 00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,656 So it measures your orientation from zero to six. 386 00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:27,074 I could pull it up on my phone. 387 00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:28,325 I just, like, keep it open on a tab-- 388 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:30,494 - I know what the Kinsey scale is. 389 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,538 Thank you, Professor, for the seminar. 390 00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:35,291 The Kinsey scale is older than I am. 391 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:36,792 Oh, God, I just depressed myself. 392 00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:38,460 I do need to go out for a drink. 393 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,337 - Whoa, whoa. What about the rest of my manicure? 394 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:41,672 - Oh, who cares? 395 00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:43,215 Just put your left hand in your pocket. 396 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,717 If it'll fit. 397 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,803 [soft piano music playing] 398 00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:50,306 ♪ ♪ 399 00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,016 - Thank you. Thanks. 400 00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:55,811 ♪ ♪ 401 00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:57,938 That's them. - Hmm? 402 00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:01,650 Oh. 403 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:06,488 And have you examined why you feel attracted to these gals? 404 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:07,656 - [clicks tongue, inhales sharply] 405 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,325 Because they're extremely hot. 406 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:10,492 - Mm-hmm. 407 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:11,910 But do you feel that society 408 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,330 has programmed you to feel this way? 409 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:17,124 - You know, not society at large. 410 00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:18,542 More so "The L Word" 411 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,961 and the U.S. Women's National Soccer Team. 412 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,672 - [sighs] Okay, I'll be your wingman. 413 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,009 Okay. 414 00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,886 Watch and learn. 415 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,432 Excuse me, ladies. 416 00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:35,267 Would you settle a bet for us? 417 00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,644 - Sure. - Sure. 418 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:38,228 - I gave my... 419 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,522 platonic traveling partner a manicure 420 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,024 on one hand only, 421 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:44,652 and we want you to pick the one you think is best. 422 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,862 - Yeah, let's see it. 423 00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:50,866 both: The right. 424 00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:54,370 - Wow, your hands are so soft. - Insane. 425 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,622 - Oh, that's the Sisleya L'Integral Anti-Age 426 00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:58,040 Hand Care Concentrate. 427 00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,167 It's all about active botanicals. 428 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,002 - You guys into botanicals? 429 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,506 - Well, to be honest, 430 00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,091 we think it's a binary and... 431 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:08,467 you're just born gay or straight. 432 00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,594 - Totally, totally. 100%. 433 00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:14,515 [cell phone buzzing] 434 00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:16,684 - Oh, fuck. 435 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,143 - Well, listen, we gotta go meet up 436 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,687 with a date for the rest of the night. 437 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:22,856 - Okay, well, uh, nice talking to you guys. 438 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,817 - Would you want to hang tomorrow? 439 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:27,778 Drinks by the pool at, like, 10:00? 440 00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:31,115 - Yes, that would be-- yeah, that'd be great. 441 00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:32,408 - Cool. - Great. 442 00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:33,909 Well, we'll see you then. - All right. 443 00:16:33,992 --> 00:16:36,286 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 444 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,752 - I'm on the books. 445 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:50,592 - You're welcome. 446 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:57,766 ♪ ♪ 447 00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:03,439 - I'm sorry, I hate to be that person, but... 448 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,940 I'm such a fan. 449 00:17:05,023 --> 00:17:06,650 - Oh, please don't apologize. 450 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:08,652 I love you being that person. 451 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,237 [both chuckling] 452 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,989 - You're hilarious. - Oh. 453 00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,449 - No, but seriously, you're just 454 00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:15,659 so amazing in everything that you do. 455 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,286 - Thank you. [chuckles] 456 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,788 - Marla. - Oh, Deborah. 457 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:20,956 - Nice to meet you. 458 00:17:21,039 --> 00:17:22,332 Well, I don't want to take any more 459 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:23,959 of your time, uh, Deborah, 460 00:17:24,042 --> 00:17:27,045 but I just-- thank you, thanks. 461 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,300 - Marla. - Yeah? 462 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,013 - Would you like to buy me a drink? 463 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,098 - Absolutely. 464 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,976 [both chuckle] 465 00:17:41,059 --> 00:17:42,561 Excuse me. 466 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:46,190 [indistinct chatter] 467 00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:48,901 ["(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman" playing on piano] 468 00:17:48,984 --> 00:17:50,778 - ♪ When I knew I had ♪ 469 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:52,029 - Oh. 470 00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:53,906 Oh, I love that song. 471 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:56,074 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 472 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:59,953 I've gotta-- I've gotta get closer. 473 00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:02,956 - ♪ Before for the day I met you ♪ 474 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,125 ♪ Life was so unkind ♪ 475 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:09,171 ♪ You're the key to my peace of mind ♪ 476 00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:12,007 ♪ 'Cause you make me feel ♪ 477 00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:14,927 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 478 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,262 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 479 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:20,224 both: ♪ Like a natural woman ♪ 480 00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:23,393 - I'm sorry. I'm gonna take this now. 481 00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:27,356 ♪ And when my soul was in the lost and found ♪ 482 00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:29,191 [cheers and applause] 483 00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:32,611 ♪ You came along to claim it ♪ 484 00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,822 - Oh. 485 00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:38,534 - ♪ I didn't know just what was wrong with me ♪ 486 00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,327 [laughter] 487 00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:44,373 ♪ Till your kiss helped me name it ♪ 488 00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:45,874 ♪ ♪ 489 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,836 ♪ Now I'm no longer doubtful ♪ 490 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,213 ♪ Of what I'm living for ♪ 491 00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:55,134 ♪ And if I make you happy, I don't have to do more ♪ 492 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:58,554 all: ♪ 'Cause you make me feel ♪ 493 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:01,139 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 494 00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:07,354 ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ 495 00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:09,523 [cheers and applause] 496 00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:12,776 - ♪ Oh, baby, what you done to me ♪ 497 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,903 all: ♪ Done to me ♪ 498 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:19,074 - ♪ You make me feel so good inside ♪ 499 00:19:19,157 --> 00:19:21,827 all: ♪ Good inside ♪ 500 00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:24,371 - ♪ And I just want to be ♪ 501 00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:26,582 all: ♪ Want to be ♪ 502 00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:30,002 ♪ Close to you, you make me feel so alive ♪ 503 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:33,005 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 504 00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:35,841 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 505 00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:42,097 ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ 506 00:19:42,180 --> 00:19:44,766 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 507 00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:47,728 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 508 00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:53,525 ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ 509 00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:56,612 [cheers and applause] 510 00:19:56,695 --> 00:20:00,741 ♪ ♪ 511 00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:03,952 [cheers and applause] 512 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:12,461 - Hey, hey, hey. How 'bout another one? 513 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:13,879 all: Yeah! 514 00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:20,260 - Okay, that cover needs to be on iTunes. 515 00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:23,096 - Oh! [laughs] Stop. 516 00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:26,808 Ava, Ava, Ava, I was thinking about 517 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,477 what you said last night, and look at me. 518 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,479 Look at me. I'm eating at the buffet. 519 00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:33,357 - Buffets aren't inherently queer, but sure. 520 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,942 - See you at your show tonight, Deb. 521 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,526 - Oh, can't wait. 522 00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:39,279 I can't believe how wrong I was. 523 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:42,574 I mean, I should have embraced lesbians years ago. 524 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:45,243 They love women, and I'm a fabulous one. 525 00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,579 I mean, it just makes perfect sense. 526 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:50,749 I'm a high femme, apparently. 527 00:20:50,832 --> 00:20:52,542 Just learned that in the buffet line. 528 00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:53,877 [chuckles] 529 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:55,337 Nice Chacos. 530 00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:58,840 - Ladies and ladies, 531 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,176 please welcome to the stage 532 00:21:01,259 --> 00:21:04,221 Deborah Vance! 533 00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:06,348 [Pharrell Williams' "Happy" playing] 534 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:08,600 [cheers and applause] 535 00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:10,310 - Oh, no. 536 00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:11,770 She's doing Ellen. 537 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,397 ♪ ♪ 538 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,191 - ♪ With the air, like I don't care ♪ 539 00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,735 ♪ Baby, by the way ♪ 540 00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,487 - ♪ Because I'm happy ♪ 541 00:21:20,570 --> 00:21:22,656 - ♪ Clap along if you feel ♪ 542 00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:25,993 ♪ Like a room without a roof ♪ 543 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:27,452 - You know, I gotta say, 544 00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:29,955 I can't believe so many women came tonight... 545 00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:33,000 [cheers and applause] And all at the same time. 546 00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:34,710 - ♪ Clap along if you feel ♪ 547 00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:37,254 ♪ Like that's what you want to do ♪ 548 00:21:37,337 --> 00:21:38,880 ♪ ♪ 549 00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:42,801 [MEDUZA, Becky Hill, Goodboys' "Lose Control" playing] 550 00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:45,887 - ♪ I need your love, I need your love ♪ 551 00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:49,808 - So now I'm like, "Fuck it, I'm gonna start voting." 552 00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:51,768 - Wait, you never voted before? 553 00:21:53,353 --> 00:21:55,147 - You want some? - What is it? 554 00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:57,441 - Whiskey, we snuck it in. - God. 555 00:21:57,524 --> 00:21:59,985 Here. Open up a tab and get whatever you want. 556 00:22:00,068 --> 00:22:02,154 - Yes! - Thanks, Daddy. Excuse me. 557 00:22:02,237 --> 00:22:05,032 ♪ ♪ 558 00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:08,118 - ♪ Could you be the one to call ♪ 559 00:22:08,201 --> 00:22:09,411 - Be right back. 560 00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:13,248 ♪ ♪ 561 00:22:13,331 --> 00:22:14,332 Oh, my God, hi. 562 00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,501 - Oh. Whoa. 563 00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,253 - It's so good to see you. 564 00:22:18,336 --> 00:22:19,921 - I thought you hated clubs. 565 00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:22,215 - Oh, I do. But now I like it. 566 00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:25,886 Oh, my God, how was Zion? "Zi-un"? 567 00:22:25,969 --> 00:22:29,097 - Zion. It was really fun. 568 00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:30,891 - I really wanted to go, but... 569 00:22:30,974 --> 00:22:33,268 I guess I really fucked that up. 570 00:22:33,351 --> 00:22:35,103 I don't know what's wrong with me. 571 00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,564 - I don't really think this is the place to have that convo. 572 00:22:37,647 --> 00:22:39,441 But maybe we can talk another time. 573 00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:40,734 - We can't. 574 00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,277 I blocked your number. 575 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:45,781 - Oh, okay. Wow. - Yeah. I had to. 576 00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,116 I don't trust myself not to call or text you. 577 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,702 And if I do call or text you, I don't trust myself 578 00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:52,370 not to tell you that I love you, 579 00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:55,248 which I shouldn't say 'cause you don't love me back. 580 00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:57,793 I'm saying it now because I'm on Molly. 581 00:22:57,876 --> 00:22:59,920 - Molly. - Yeah. 582 00:23:00,003 --> 00:23:01,463 - Got ya. 583 00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:02,964 - But I do mean what I'm saying. 584 00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:04,966 I'm just saying it 'cause I'm on Molly. 585 00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:06,760 - Well, yeah, I heard you the first time. 586 00:23:06,843 --> 00:23:09,346 Are you here with anyone? - Yeah. 587 00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:10,514 Over there. 588 00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:13,767 - Oh, those guys. 589 00:23:13,850 --> 00:23:15,143 - Yeah. 590 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,187 - Wilson, I want you to meet someone. 591 00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:18,355 - One sec. 592 00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:21,233 Do you have a ride home? 593 00:23:21,316 --> 00:23:23,485 - Yeah. Why? 594 00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:25,112 I can go with you. 595 00:23:25,195 --> 00:23:26,988 - Oh. 596 00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:31,284 No, no. I'm just making sure. 597 00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:32,744 Take care, okay? 598 00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:34,162 - Okay. 599 00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:36,748 - ♪ Could you be the one to call ♪ 600 00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:39,501 ♪ When I lose control ♪ 601 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:43,004 [laughter] - It's terrible. 602 00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:44,506 You know, I have to tell you guys, 603 00:23:44,589 --> 00:23:46,842 I've had the best time here. 604 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:49,136 Thank you so much. 605 00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:51,513 Truly, truly. 606 00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:53,598 And I'm gonna tell you something honestly. 607 00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:56,852 When I first found out I was booked on a lesbian cruise, 608 00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,103 I was angry. 609 00:23:58,186 --> 00:23:59,437 [laughter] 610 00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:02,399 But you have welcomed me with open arms, 611 00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:04,568 and I am so flattered. 612 00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:06,820 [cheers and applause] 613 00:24:06,903 --> 00:24:08,238 And if you know me at all, you know 614 00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:10,365 that flattery is my biggest turn-on. 615 00:24:10,448 --> 00:24:12,868 [laughter] 616 00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:16,913 I mean, I should have known women know how to treat women. 617 00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:20,125 [cheers and applause] 618 00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,044 I mean, what have I been doing 619 00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:25,338 all these years, wasting my time with men? 620 00:24:25,422 --> 00:24:28,091 I mean, you have no idea what it's like waiting around 621 00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:31,219 all day for your partner to finish playing golf. 622 00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:33,263 [laughter] 623 00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:35,765 Well, probably because you were both playing golf. 624 00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:37,893 [laughter] 625 00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:40,520 Oh, she didn't like that one. 626 00:24:40,604 --> 00:24:42,397 She must be distracted. 627 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:43,982 Excuse me, miss. 628 00:24:44,065 --> 00:24:45,901 My jokes are up here. 629 00:24:45,984 --> 00:24:48,236 - Don't worry, you're not really my type. 630 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,739 [audience murmuring] 631 00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,909 - Oh, she's not into me. This lesbian must be broken. 632 00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:55,744 [audience gasps] 633 00:24:55,827 --> 00:24:57,120 - You wrote these? 634 00:24:57,204 --> 00:24:59,748 Doesn't sound like you, my fuego chick. 635 00:24:59,831 --> 00:25:01,750 - No, she's going off-book. 636 00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:04,377 - Eh, it's okay. Doesn't matter. 637 00:25:04,461 --> 00:25:06,755 I mean, I'm out of her league, right? 638 00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:08,757 [audience murmurs] 639 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,300 [person coughs] 640 00:25:11,801 --> 00:25:13,637 Oh, come on, I'm playing. 641 00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:17,891 I mean, I know I'm your type. 642 00:25:19,017 --> 00:25:21,144 Yeah, you were flirting with me all night. 643 00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:23,271 - Uh, you're not. 644 00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:25,106 I was actually just trying to get my wife 645 00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:26,691 a refund for her leggings. 646 00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,110 [audience oohs] 647 00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:31,613 - Oh, Christ. Well, you know what? 648 00:25:31,696 --> 00:25:33,323 You're not my type either, lady. 649 00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:34,991 You're a lady. 650 00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:37,577 Good luck with your marriage. Your wife's obsessed with me. 651 00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:38,870 [audience gasps] 652 00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:40,872 - No, I am not. 653 00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:42,165 No, I am not. 654 00:25:43,541 --> 00:25:45,585 - Hey, well, you, hey, you there in the second row. 655 00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:48,546 I mean, would you date me? I mean, you're reading a book. 656 00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:51,466 - Um, actually, I'm married to the captain. 657 00:25:51,549 --> 00:25:53,468 - The captain. Oh, God. Bring him out. 658 00:25:53,551 --> 00:25:55,220 I love a man in uniform. 659 00:25:55,303 --> 00:25:57,347 - She's a woman. 660 00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,724 - The captain's a woman? 661 00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:02,018 Oh, God. 662 00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:04,312 Hope we don't have to parallel park this thing. 663 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:05,438 [audience groans] 664 00:26:05,522 --> 00:26:07,857 Oh, please. 665 00:26:07,941 --> 00:26:09,651 It's not a lesbian joke. 666 00:26:09,734 --> 00:26:12,153 It's a woman joke. Everyone hates women! 667 00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,739 [audience booing] What? They do. 668 00:26:18,493 --> 00:26:19,661 Well, you missed! 669 00:26:19,744 --> 00:26:22,497 I thought you were all Olympians! 670 00:26:22,580 --> 00:26:26,584 [shoe thuds, audience gasps] 671 00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:27,877 Shit. 672 00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:30,922 [upbeat rock music] 673 00:26:31,006 --> 00:26:34,092 ♪ ♪ 674 00:26:39,764 --> 00:26:42,726 [soft dramatic music] 675 00:26:42,809 --> 00:26:45,562 ♪ ♪ 676 00:26:45,645 --> 00:26:46,980 - Joe, did you chew this? 677 00:26:50,233 --> 00:26:51,234 Joe? 678 00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:54,988 [dog whimpering] 679 00:26:55,071 --> 00:26:56,114 Joe? 680 00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:04,539 [shushing] 681 00:27:04,622 --> 00:27:05,832 Fuck. 682 00:27:05,915 --> 00:27:08,043 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 683 00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:09,878 [dog whining] 684 00:27:09,961 --> 00:27:12,964 Can someone help? Please? 685 00:27:13,048 --> 00:27:15,258 - Sir, please calm down. What happened? 686 00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:16,676 - I think he got into some Adderall 687 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:18,303 when I was at Queergasm-- um, an event. 688 00:27:18,386 --> 00:27:21,431 - Okay. Just give him to me and have a seat. 689 00:27:23,683 --> 00:27:25,226 Sam, I need you. 690 00:27:27,854 --> 00:27:30,857 [dogs barking] 691 00:27:31,816 --> 00:27:34,277 - ♪ You used to know me, now you don't ♪ 692 00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:35,862 ♪ ♪ 693 00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:40,241 ♪ You used to hypnotize me did it so easy ♪ 694 00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:42,911 - Shots? - At 10:00 a.m.? 695 00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:45,246 - Why not? - Sure, I mean, 100%. 696 00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:47,415 Don't talk to me till I've had my vodka, you know? 697 00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:48,666 - Mm-hmm. 698 00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:52,587 - [gags] Tastes weird after toothpaste. 699 00:27:52,670 --> 00:27:53,838 [laughter] 700 00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:56,508 - Wow, okay, you're hot and funny? 701 00:27:56,591 --> 00:27:58,635 - I guess. 702 00:27:58,718 --> 00:28:00,929 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 703 00:28:01,012 --> 00:28:02,847 ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ 704 00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:04,599 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 705 00:28:04,682 --> 00:28:06,684 ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ 706 00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:08,978 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 707 00:28:09,062 --> 00:28:10,897 ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ 708 00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:12,941 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 709 00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:14,734 ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ 710 00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:16,611 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 711 00:28:16,694 --> 00:28:19,614 ♪ You used to know me, now you don't ♪ 712 00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:24,077 - Ugh. 713 00:28:26,037 --> 00:28:27,914 - Hi. - Miss Vance. 714 00:28:27,997 --> 00:28:29,124 - Yes. 715 00:28:29,207 --> 00:28:30,792 - Can I speak to you for a moment? 716 00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:31,960 - Of course. 717 00:28:32,043 --> 00:28:33,044 - A lot of the guests 718 00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:34,712 were very offended last night, 719 00:28:34,796 --> 00:28:36,631 especially the captain's wife. 720 00:28:36,714 --> 00:28:38,425 And apparently you hit someone with a shoe. 721 00:28:38,508 --> 00:28:40,677 - It was thrown at me. 722 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,137 I was returning it. 723 00:28:42,220 --> 00:28:44,013 - Well, the passengers have held a quorum. 724 00:28:44,097 --> 00:28:45,140 - A quorum? 725 00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:46,141 - There's been a vote, 726 00:28:46,224 --> 00:28:47,725 and they want you off. 727 00:28:47,809 --> 00:28:49,310 - Off? 728 00:28:49,394 --> 00:28:52,313 [people giggling] 729 00:28:52,397 --> 00:28:55,233 - Ouch, that's a nasty bruise. 730 00:28:55,316 --> 00:28:57,652 - Oh, yeah, I got bored in my room, 731 00:28:57,735 --> 00:29:00,655 and I tried to do a cartwheel, and I hit my leg really hard. 732 00:29:00,738 --> 00:29:02,991 - Aww. Poor baby. 733 00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:06,536 Should I kiss it? 734 00:29:08,913 --> 00:29:10,623 - Yeah. 735 00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:14,252 - ♪ I'll be fucked up if you can't be right here ♪ 736 00:29:14,335 --> 00:29:18,131 ♪ Oh, whoa ♪ 737 00:29:18,214 --> 00:29:22,093 ♪ Oh, whoa ♪ 738 00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:26,014 ♪ Oh, whoa ♪ 739 00:29:26,097 --> 00:29:27,640 ♪ I'll be fucked up ♪ 740 00:29:27,724 --> 00:29:29,017 - Ava! [music winds down] 741 00:29:29,100 --> 00:29:30,310 Get your shit. We're leaving. 742 00:29:30,393 --> 00:29:31,936 - [stammering] 743 00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:33,438 Leaving? What? 744 00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:36,357 No, we're in the middle of the ocean, and...no! 745 00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:37,692 - Yeah, well, there was a quorum, 746 00:29:37,775 --> 00:29:39,277 and it didn't go our way. We're off. 747 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,071 - Okay, well, I'll meet you at the dock, then. 748 00:29:42,155 --> 00:29:44,157 - The dinghy will be here in ten. 749 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:45,366 - Dinghy? 750 00:29:45,450 --> 00:29:48,536 [ship horn blares] 751 00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:51,498 - Right this way. Right this way, Miss Vance. 752 00:29:51,581 --> 00:29:52,790 - I'm fine. 753 00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:54,042 - Watch your step. 754 00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:55,335 - Let go of me. - Watch your step. 755 00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,045 - Let go of me! 756 00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:00,548 Why didn't you just make us walk the fucking plank? 757 00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:02,425 - Hey, Deborah! 758 00:30:02,509 --> 00:30:04,928 Try again, bitch. 759 00:30:05,011 --> 00:30:06,137 - What? Oh! 760 00:30:09,307 --> 00:30:10,892 - Piece-of-shit leggings. 761 00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:11,935 - [scoffs] 762 00:30:12,018 --> 00:30:15,063 [engine rumbling] 763 00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:17,398 - Bye. 764 00:30:23,821 --> 00:30:25,573 - You know what, Deborah? 765 00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:29,911 Your orientation isn't gay or straight. 766 00:30:29,994 --> 00:30:32,413 It's egomaniac. 767 00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:35,166 - Ah, this waistband is kind of loose. 768 00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:39,754 Yeah, should have done another round of testing. 769 00:30:41,923 --> 00:30:43,258 - Oh, no. 770 00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:46,886 [sighs] The Molly's hitting. 771 00:30:46,970 --> 00:30:48,096 - What? 772 00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:50,306 - I might have to dance. - You did Molly? 773 00:30:50,390 --> 00:30:51,599 [k.d. lang's "Constant Craving"] 774 00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:53,601 - ♪ Constant ♪ 775 00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,812 - Okay, I can't watch this. 776 00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:59,691 - ♪ Craving ♪ 777 00:30:59,774 --> 00:31:01,109 ♪ Has always ♪ 778 00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:03,570 - [gasps] Oh, oh, is that a dolphin? 779 00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:05,280 Right there. 780 00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:07,824 - No, that's trash. - Oh, God. 781 00:31:07,907 --> 00:31:11,327 - ♪ Craving ♪ 782 00:31:11,411 --> 00:31:14,122 ♪ ♪ 783 00:31:20,086 --> 00:31:22,297 - Hey, buddy. - Oh, Sam, Sam, no. 784 00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,299 We are not releasing that dog right now. 785 00:31:24,382 --> 00:31:26,301 - What? - I'm sorry, but... 786 00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:27,677 you're clearly on drugs, 787 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,597 and it is my professional and moral obligation 788 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:31,973 to keep this animal from harm. 789 00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:33,766 - Okay, you can't keep my dog from me. 790 00:31:33,850 --> 00:31:35,184 - I actually can. 791 00:31:35,268 --> 00:31:36,769 - Okay, this is ridiculous. I'm fine, okay? 792 00:31:36,853 --> 00:31:38,938 I'm a responsible person. I can take care of a dog. 793 00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:41,524 I-I run a fucking multimillion-dollar company! 794 00:31:42,692 --> 00:31:45,612 [soft music] 795 00:31:45,695 --> 00:31:50,366 ♪ ♪ 796 00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:52,744 Can my mother pick him up? 797 00:31:53,786 --> 00:31:54,912 - Sure. 798 00:31:56,414 --> 00:31:57,624 Put him in room three. 799 00:31:57,707 --> 00:32:02,962 ♪ ♪ 800 00:32:03,046 --> 00:32:05,840 [cell phone buzzing] 801 00:32:05,923 --> 00:32:07,383 - Shit. 802 00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:08,509 Deborah. 803 00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:10,887 - It was not a gay cruise. 804 00:32:10,970 --> 00:32:13,348 It was a lesbian cruise! 805 00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,016 - Oh, no. - Oh, yes. 806 00:32:15,099 --> 00:32:17,352 I was almost a victim of unprovoked 807 00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:18,645 physical violence. 808 00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:20,605 - I'm sorry. 809 00:32:20,688 --> 00:32:22,357 - Where have you been? 810 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,025 - Fuck. 811 00:32:24,108 --> 00:32:26,194 Look, I'm so sorry. 812 00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:28,029 I thought I read that contract, but I must have just 813 00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:29,530 DocuSigned it quickly. 814 00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:31,199 And I was dealing with Roy that day, 815 00:32:31,282 --> 00:32:33,117 and I approved the wrong lookbook, 816 00:32:33,201 --> 00:32:35,328 and it goes into production today, 817 00:32:35,411 --> 00:32:37,705 and, Deborah, I know it's no excuse, 818 00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:40,333 but I haven't been sleeping well lately. 819 00:32:40,416 --> 00:32:42,335 And my dog... 820 00:32:42,418 --> 00:32:43,878 - Oh, Marcus. Marcus. 821 00:32:43,961 --> 00:32:46,673 Don't worry. Don't worry. 822 00:32:46,756 --> 00:32:50,134 Look, look, why don't you come join us on the road? 823 00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:52,136 - Wait, why? 824 00:32:52,220 --> 00:32:54,639 You need me? Is Alice not working out? 825 00:32:54,722 --> 00:32:57,558 - Yeah, yeah. 826 00:32:57,642 --> 00:33:00,853 Yeah, she's gone, so I do need you. 827 00:33:00,937 --> 00:33:02,897 - Okay. 828 00:33:02,980 --> 00:33:04,732 I'll be on the next flight. 829 00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:06,234 - Good, great. 830 00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:07,902 - Okay, I'll see you soon. 831 00:33:07,985 --> 00:33:09,737 - See you soon. 832 00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:17,787 - They kicked you off the boat? 833 00:33:19,580 --> 00:33:21,290 - It's a ship, 834 00:33:21,374 --> 00:33:22,667 and you're fired. 835 00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:26,421 - Hmm. 836 00:33:26,504 --> 00:33:28,923 Well, FYI, 837 00:33:29,006 --> 00:33:31,092 I ate some of your fancy cream 838 00:33:31,175 --> 00:33:32,677 'cause I thought it was dip. 839 00:33:33,636 --> 00:33:35,680 And it's really dangerous to keep it in the fridge. 840 00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:49,944 Good luck getting to Springfield on time! 841 00:33:50,027 --> 00:33:51,571 - [sighs] 842 00:33:51,654 --> 00:33:55,283 - ♪ Constant ♪ 843 00:33:55,366 --> 00:33:58,786 ♪ Craving ♪ 844 00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:04,959 ♪ Has always been ♪ 845 00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:07,128 ♪ ♪ 846 00:34:07,211 --> 00:34:10,131 ♪ Maybe ♪ 847 00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:14,761 ♪ A great magnet pulls ♪ 848 00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:18,306 ♪ All souls ♪ 849 00:34:18,389 --> 00:34:22,810 ♪ Towards truth ♪ 850 00:34:22,894 --> 00:34:29,525 ♪ Or maybe it is life itself ♪ 851 00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:33,654 ♪ Feeds wisdom ♪ 852 00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:37,742 ♪ To its youth ♪ 853 00:34:37,825 --> 00:34:41,662 ♪ Constant ♪ 854 00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:45,333 ♪ Craving ♪ 855 00:34:45,416 --> 00:34:51,422 ♪ Has always been ♪ 856 00:34:51,506 --> 00:34:53,341 ♪ ♪ 857 00:34:53,424 --> 00:34:56,886 ♪ Craving ♪ 858 00:34:56,969 --> 00:34:58,679 ♪ ♪ 859 00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:01,599 ♪ Aha ♪ 860 00:35:01,682 --> 00:35:06,395 ♪ Constant craving ♪