1
00:00:05,171 --> 00:00:07,757
- [groans]
We're going backwards.
2
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,175
Felt better a week ago.
3
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:10,343
- Okay, hear me out.
4
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:12,470
Maybe we're working too hard.
5
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:15,724
Maybe we need
to rest our brains.
6
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,684
[phone vibrates]
DJ's texting you.
7
00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:20,353
- How do you know?
- I can read it from here.
8
00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:21,771
Your text setting is enormous.
9
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,523
It's like the top row
of an eye exam.
10
00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:27,068
- Oh, God, it's another message
about ancestry.com.
11
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:28,778
Ever since she decided
to have a kid,
12
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,822
DJ's obsessed
with our family heritage.
13
00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:32,365
- Oh, I did that,
and I found out
14
00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:34,451
I had a second cousin
who lived an hour away
15
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,453
who did not wanna get coffee.
16
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,705
- Huh,
it appears I'm a descendant
17
00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:41,249
of a person
in the Salem witch trials.
18
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,793
Betty Parris.
19
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,546
- Wait, could we use this
for the show?
20
00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:47,922
Like, maybe this is
the through line
21
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,132
we've been looking for.
22
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:50,800
- Oh, maybe.
23
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:54,929
Um, something about
how her story mirrors mine.
24
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:56,139
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Umm,
25
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:57,640
beautiful, brilliant woman
26
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,809
blazing her own path
in a male-dominated world.
27
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,519
- Yes!
- Unfairly persecuted.
28
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,438
- Found guilty in the court
of public opinion.
29
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Burned at the stake.
- Yes, exactly!
30
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,608
Oh, this is good. This is good.
31
00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:09,527
Um...oh, oh, I know.
I know how it could start.
32
00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:10,820
- Ooh, shoot.
33
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:13,364
- What?
34
00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:16,034
- Okay, it turns out
Betty Parris was actually
35
00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:18,495
one of the Salem witch trial
accusers.
36
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,414
She and Abigail Williams kinda
kicked the whole thing off.
37
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,708
Lotta innocent women dead.
38
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:24,876
Her fault.
39
00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:27,462
Mm.
- Mm.
40
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,509
[exhales]
- Well, I don't need
41
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,052
a stupid through line
for my show.
42
00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:35,804
- Not at all.
Literally dumb.
43
00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:38,431
- Not my department,
and I know you hate puppets,
44
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:39,849
but I was thinking that--
- I know.
45
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,726
I know.
46
00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:47,816
Babe, hi.
47
00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:49,275
Oh, I am in such a rut.
48
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,528
I need you.
49
00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:52,779
Yeah.
50
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:54,072
How quickly can you get
to Memphis?
51
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,824
[Jo Jo Gunne's "Run Run Run"]
52
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:59,160
- ♪ Doo doo doo,
doo doo doo doo ♪
53
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:02,831
♪ Run run run,
run run run ♪
54
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:06,334
♪ Doo doo doo,
doo doo doo doo ♪
55
00:02:06,417 --> 00:02:09,337
♪ Run run run,
run run run ♪
56
00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:11,297
♪ Oh, load up your mama ♪
57
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:14,592
♪ We'll ride on out
to the line ♪
58
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,886
♪ ♪
59
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:17,971
♪ Run ♪
60
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:20,223
♪ ♪
61
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:21,891
♪ Run ♪
62
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:29,065
♪ ♪
63
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:32,151
- Hi!
[all cheering]
64
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,611
Thank you for the ride,
65
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,239
and remember,
love can be an addiction, too,
66
00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:37,407
so set boundaries.
67
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,909
It'll be good for you and her.
68
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,536
I love you so much.
Bye!
69
00:02:41,619 --> 00:02:43,580
Thank you!
- Kiki!
70
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,540
- Yay.
71
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:48,585
[all talking excitedly]
72
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,712
- ♪ Run ♪
73
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:54,465
- What else?
74
00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:56,259
Oh, I got a haircut.
75
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,094
But it kinda grew out,
so you can't really tell.
76
00:02:58,177 --> 00:02:59,721
- It's cute.
- Thank you.
77
00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:01,097
And there's
this really weird smell
78
00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:02,140
in Vegas right now.
79
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:03,600
No one knows what it is,
80
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:06,019
but I think it's feet.
- Feet?
81
00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:07,687
- All those shoes
people leave behind?
82
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,647
When I'm at my table,
girls will literally take off
83
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,482
their high heels, and they will
never, ever come back for them.
84
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:12,984
- No, it's true.
The Palmetto lost and found
85
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:15,194
is full
of Jessica Simpson-brand shoes.
86
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:17,906
I go a lot 'cause I keep losing
my retainer.
87
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,782
But don't worry.
I always find it.
88
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,618
- Anyway,
I'm just happy to be here.
89
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,412
I've always wanted to visit,
and I love Memphis music.
90
00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:26,331
- Wait, really? Like what?
Like--like Elvis?
91
00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:29,876
- No, like Three 6 Mafia,
Pooh Shiesty, Project Pat,
92
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:32,962
Young Dolph, Yo Gotti,
NLE Choppa.
93
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,631
Really? Hello!
94
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,132
Oh, Deborah, that's 24.
I'm sorry.
95
00:03:36,215 --> 00:03:38,176
- Yes, I can count.
96
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,969
- Hm.
- Ugh!
97
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,220
Damn it.
98
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:42,513
I need this to get back
99
00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,015
into my pre-show rhythm.
100
00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:47,310
Come on, bust, bust, bust,
bust, bust, bust.
101
00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:49,312
- Ava wins.
- Shh.
102
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:53,232
- [exhales heavily]
- Oh, Deborah's suing me.
103
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,859
- Stop trying to cheer me up.
104
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,904
[upbeat funky music]
105
00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,113
♪ ♪
106
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:02,700
- ♪ If push ♪
107
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:04,786
♪ Comes to a shove ♪
108
00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:07,288
♪ ♪
109
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:11,834
♪ You've got
to keep your head ♪
110
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,796
♪ Above the water ♪
111
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,464
- Um, not to add more
to your plate,
112
00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:19,300
but you should know
that Axel is here.
113
00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:21,094
- Axel Axel?
- Yes.
114
00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:22,553
Apparently,
his restraining order lapsed
115
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:23,846
a couple years ago.
- Sorry,
116
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,431
but who is Axel Axel?
117
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,433
- One of Deborah's stalkers.
- One of?
118
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,269
How many stalkers do you have?
119
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,937
- Living? 12.
120
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:32,563
- Mm, 11.
121
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,023
Donna died.
122
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,817
- Oh, she did?
123
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:37,527
Oh, she was sweet.
124
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:39,070
What an athlete.
125
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:42,782
She scaled that 30-foot pergola
like it was nothing.
126
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:45,576
[laughter]
127
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:46,828
I mean, seriously,
128
00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:51,666
my little sister
steals my husband.
129
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:54,002
[crowd mutters]
130
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:56,004
She used to just steal
my dolls.
131
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,214
[laughter]
132
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,591
But seriously, that--
133
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:04,178
that was the worst feeling
in the world.
134
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:06,806
And I once bombed so bad
at a USO show,
135
00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:08,558
they put me on the No Fly List.
136
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,101
[laughter]
137
00:05:10,184 --> 00:05:11,769
- So for tomorrow,
we have requests
138
00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:13,062
for two radio interviews.
139
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,439
One's with
"Gonzo and the Bean."
140
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,399
- Let's do the other one.
141
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,861
Wait a second.
Where's--where's Axel?
142
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:23,114
Where's Axel?
143
00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:27,869
Is that him?
144
00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:29,454
Is he leaving?
145
00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:31,372
Hey, Axel.
146
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,207
Wait. Ax--Axel!
147
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,084
Axel! Hey, hey!
148
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,377
Hey, hey, Axel, Axel, Axel.
149
00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:37,920
- Oh, wow! Hi!
- Hey.
150
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,797
Hi.
- Deborah.
151
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,674
Hi.
152
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,259
- How you doing?
153
00:05:43,342 --> 00:05:46,220
- I'm doing better.
Thank you for asking.
154
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,889
Got my own apartment.
155
00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:49,807
Just started working
at Best Buy.
156
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:52,935
- Good, good, good, good.
So, um...
157
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,729
did you--did you see the show?
158
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,314
- Yeah, yeah.
159
00:05:56,397 --> 00:05:57,899
It was good.
160
00:05:57,982 --> 00:05:59,650
It was different.
- Yeah, it's a whole--
161
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:02,570
it's a whole different thing,
so...
162
00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:03,863
what'd you think?
163
00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:07,867
- I mean,
you're always great to watch.
164
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,624
I don't know, it just wasn't
the Deborah Vance I'm used to.
165
00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:16,209
- Oh, you mean
the Deborah Vance that you sent
166
00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:17,835
a Ziploc bag
full of pubic hair to?
167
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:19,837
- [laughs]
I don't do that anymore.
168
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:25,134
There were some funny jokes,
but--but--
169
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,886
it just...
170
00:06:26,969 --> 00:06:28,805
it was kind of a bummer,
171
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:31,766
and I didn't really expect that
from you.
172
00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:35,895
I miss the Deborah
who takes everyone down.
173
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,982
- Yeah. Huh.
174
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,819
Well, nice to see you, Axel.
175
00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:45,321
- Oh, quick question
while I have you.
176
00:06:45,404 --> 00:06:47,990
Do you know
if Chelsea Handler still lives
177
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,618
in Brentwood, California?
178
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:52,495
- No, I don't,
179
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,247
and I wouldn't tell you
even if I did.
180
00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:56,749
- You know,
she never visits Chuy's grave.
181
00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,086
- Goodbye, Axel.
- [scoffs]
182
00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:02,630
- Oof,
it's so scary having a stalker.
183
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:04,298
- Oh, you kinda get used to it.
184
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,509
- Someone obsessed with you
who could just show up
185
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,510
at any moment.
186
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:08,928
- Ava!
both: Oh!
187
00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:10,805
Mom.
- [laughing]
188
00:07:10,888 --> 00:07:13,099
- What are you doing here?
- Well, you said the tour
189
00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:14,767
was in Memphis
for a couple nights,
190
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,228
and you said--you said
it would be fun if I visited.
191
00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:19,480
- Those were
two different conversations,
192
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:20,857
but hi.
193
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:23,067
- Oh, honey.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
194
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,194
- Hi, I'm Kiki.
- Hi.
195
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,406
- Oh, uh--uh, Kiki,
this is my mom, Nina.
196
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:29,615
Mom, this is my friend Kiki.
197
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:30,950
- A friend!
198
00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:32,660
Oh, Kiki,
it's so nice to meet you.
199
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:34,287
Ava's never mentioned you.
200
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,496
- I did, actually.
201
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,039
- No, it's okay.
202
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:38,666
I'm kinda hard
to describe anyway.
203
00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:40,209
Kinda have to experience it.
204
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,752
I love your hair.
- Oh, thanks.
205
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:43,129
Well, they're extensions.
206
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:44,964
- No, I--I know that.
- [giggles]
207
00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:47,884
- Well, hello.
- Hi. Oh, Deborah.
208
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:49,886
- Hi.
- It's so good to see you.
209
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:52,263
- Hi. How are you?
This is fun.
210
00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:55,183
I didn't know
that you were coming to visit.
211
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,518
- [laughing]
No one did. No one did.
212
00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,855
So, uh, Mom, Kiki and I were
gonna go to a bar,
213
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:04,233
but I guess we can
get you settled at the hotel.
214
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,445
- Oh, no.
No, let's go out.
215
00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:08,738
We can all go, right?
216
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,364
- Um, no,
Deborah doesn't wanna go--
217
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:11,699
- Oh, I need to.
218
00:08:11,782 --> 00:08:13,576
My own stalker
just ran away from me.
219
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:14,911
I could use a couple of drinks.
220
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:17,246
- Whoo! Girls' night out!
[laughter]
221
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,707
- Yeah, that's what
girls' night out is:
222
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,501
just two friends,
someone's mom, and their boss.
223
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,128
- I'm someone's mom
too, actually.
224
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:26,881
- So am I.
- Well, moms' night out then.
225
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:28,090
Plus Ava.
- Whoo!
226
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:29,508
- There you go.
Whoo!
227
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,302
[upbeat country music]
- Whoo-hoo!
228
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:38,476
♪ ♪
229
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:41,771
- Whoo!
230
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:44,106
- Why aren't you and your
daughter's father together?
231
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,776
- We were for a little bit,
but we just annoy each other,
232
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:48,236
so I couldn't live with him.
233
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,279
I--but I love him.
I love him as a co-parent.
234
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,739
- Well,
how do your parents feel
235
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,324
about you not being married?
236
00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:55,576
I mean, aren't Asian families
very traditional?
237
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:57,078
- Mom.
- No, it's cool.
238
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:59,121
I love nosy people.
Uh, yeah, obviously,
239
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,623
they're not in love
with the fact
240
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:02,625
that we're not married,
but, you know,
241
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,293
they're happy that we got Luna.
242
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,920
Was it hard
raising an only child?
243
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:08,172
Because Luna keeps asking me
for a little sister,
244
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,257
and I don't know!
245
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,133
- Oh, no, no. It was fine.
246
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:13,761
And-and Ava was
more than enough to handle.
247
00:09:13,844 --> 00:09:15,346
And she turned out great.
- Yeah.
248
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:16,931
- But only because
I worked very hard
249
00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:18,641
to make sure
she was never lonely.
250
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:20,935
- Actually, I was so lonely,
I used to draw faces
251
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:22,395
on our pillows
and talk to them.
252
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:25,314
- Oh, yeah.
She ruined so many pillows.
253
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,900
But it gave her a great
sense of humor, I guess.
254
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,902
- Oh, I don't think
Luna's gonna be funny.
255
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,654
She's really comfortable
with herself.
256
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,990
- Okay, okay.
257
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,324
- Thank you.
- Oh, Deborah, thank you.
258
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,659
- You didn't get anything?
259
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:37,994
- I couldn't carry it all.
260
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,245
- Two vodka rocks?
261
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:40,663
- Those are for me. Thank you.
262
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,456
- Oh, my God.
- Whoo!
263
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:43,833
- Thank you, thank you.
- So, Deborah,
264
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,918
how's the big show going?
265
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,837
- Eh, not great.
266
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,338
- No, it's great.
It's great.
267
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,507
- Yeah, you're being too hard
on yourself.
268
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,634
I mean, the show doesn't need
to be a laugh a minute.
269
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,387
- It's not about laughs.
It's-it's a feeling, you know?
270
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:58,055
I can tell when the audience
isn't fully with me,
271
00:09:58,139 --> 00:09:59,307
and they're not.
272
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,392
You haven't been up there
4 million times.
273
00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:02,685
You can't hear it
the way I can.
274
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:05,438
- I relate to that so much,
Deborah.
275
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:06,856
When I'm doing a pitch,
276
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,816
I can always tell
when they're not gonna buy.
277
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:10,443
- Uh, what?
278
00:10:10,526 --> 00:10:12,236
- Oh, my God, I forgot.
- A pitch?
279
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,529
- I forgot to tell you.
280
00:10:13,612 --> 00:10:15,197
I got a job.
I'm a Vibamins rep.
281
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,367
I'm selling all-natural
health and beauty supplements.
282
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,036
- Well, that's interesting.
Good for you.
283
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:22,038
- Thank you.
Uh, you could do it too, Ava.
284
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,332
You could find people
on the road to work for you.
285
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:25,916
- Work for me?
- Mm-hmm.
286
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,918
- Hold on. Is this an MLM?
287
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,211
- A what? No, no, no, no.
288
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,880
No, it's an effervescent
vitamin tablet--
289
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,882
- No, no, no, like,
the more people you recruit,
290
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:33,883
the more money you make?
291
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,469
- Yeah, well, of course.
292
00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:37,511
What?
293
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:39,180
- Mom, that's a pyramid scheme.
294
00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:40,806
- No! That's impossible.
295
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,767
It's on Facebook.
- Oh, my God.
296
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:44,560
Mom!
- What? What are you saying?
297
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,729
What did I say?
- Hey, Deborah--
298
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,064
Deborah and I are gonna
take a lap.
299
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,732
- Mm.
- Be right back.
300
00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:52,360
- It's women-owned, Ava.
301
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,569
It's an innocent thing.
302
00:10:53,652 --> 00:10:54,862
I'm making a lot of money,
303
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:56,405
and so is
the whole neighborhood.
304
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,658
Hazel Smith who lives next door
is so excited.
305
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:02,870
Her husband's a little upset
about the $30,000,
306
00:11:02,953 --> 00:11:04,538
but she's really thrilled.
307
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,040
♪ ♪
308
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:08,209
- I mean, sure,
I have the money,
309
00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:09,752
but I--I don't wanna go
to space.
310
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:11,921
- Ugh, no.
I never wanna go to space.
311
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,589
I do not wanna feel like
a grain of sand.
312
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,591
- No.
- No.
313
00:11:15,674 --> 00:11:18,302
♪ ♪
314
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,221
Deborah?
- Mm?
315
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:23,140
- There is a guy
staring at you.
316
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,017
- People stare at me
all the time--I'm famous.
317
00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:26,143
- No, no, no, no, no.
318
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,895
These are "fuck me" eyes,
319
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,398
not "I've seen you
on 'The View'" eyes.
320
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,527
- Oh, God. You're insane.
321
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,070
He could be my son.
322
00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:37,697
- Never know.
Why don't you go say hi?
323
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:40,032
Follow the fun.
- Absolutely not.
324
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,285
What?
325
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,746
What?
326
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:47,623
[sighs]
- Have fun.
327
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:49,458
- No.
- Bye.
328
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,836
♪ ♪
329
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,963
- Hi.
- Oh, Christ.
330
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:56,424
- Hi.
- Hey.
331
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,217
- Where'd your mom go?
332
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,677
- Oh, she got upset
that I thought
333
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,470
she's in a pyramid scheme,
which she is--
334
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,597
- Yeah, she is.
- She went to go ride the bull.
335
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:06,225
- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[cheering]
336
00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:08,561
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
337
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:11,021
- Huh.
- This whole thing is so weird.
338
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,399
- Well, it's nice
that she wanted to visit.
339
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:14,859
- I guess.
340
00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:17,445
But sometimes it's hard
to have, like, casual fun
341
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:18,821
when we never talk
about the real stuff
342
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:20,656
that could
actually make us close.
343
00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:23,075
But that'll never happen.
344
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:26,203
- Well, I don't know.
Maybe it could.
345
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,830
Like, it's just
the two of you now,
346
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,957
and she did come all this way.
347
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,960
This could be a good time
for a fresh start.
348
00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:34,378
- Yeah.
349
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:37,173
Maybe you're right.
- [cheering]
350
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:39,216
- She's certainly showing
new sides of herself.
351
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,552
- Whoo-hoo! Ava!
352
00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:43,304
Whoo!
[laughter]
353
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,847
[crowd cheering]
Whoo! Whoo!
354
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,307
- Oh!
- Ooh.
355
00:12:46,390 --> 00:12:47,725
- Whoo, Ava! Kiki!
356
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,226
- Oh, she's--
- Oh, she's good. Yeah, yeah.
357
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,562
- Whoo!
358
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:53,189
- Where's Deborah?
- Oh, she's about
359
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,358
to get her titties sucked
by a 40-year-old.
360
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:57,693
- [gasps]
361
00:12:57,776 --> 00:12:59,737
- [laughs]
362
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,906
I didn't know attractive people
could be so funny.
363
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:03,449
- Oh, we can.
- Oh, yeah?
364
00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:04,742
- Yes, yes.
No, it's a myth
365
00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:06,202
that we want ugly people
to believe
366
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,454
just to keep the peace.
- [laughs]
367
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:09,955
- People don't like you
to have both.
368
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,416
- Well,
I like that you have both.
369
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:15,794
- Well,
I like that you have one.
370
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:17,713
- Well, which one's that?
371
00:13:17,796 --> 00:13:19,089
- I'm not gonna tell you yet.
372
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:20,508
- Oh, no?
- [laughs]
373
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:23,636
- Okay. Okay.
374
00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:26,889
So what do you do?
375
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:30,100
- [laughs]
376
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:32,228
You really don't know?
377
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:35,022
- No. Should I?
378
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:38,275
- No.
379
00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,986
[chuckles]
380
00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:43,280
Why are you talking to me?
381
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:46,575
- Oh, wow, uh...
382
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,246
♪ ♪
383
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:51,956
I think you're attractive.
384
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,624
- Oh, God.
385
00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:55,709
[laughs]
What, what?
386
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,253
You have a fetish
for older women?
387
00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,381
♪ ♪
388
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:01,423
- I guess I do.
389
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:03,717
I like older women.
390
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,803
That a bad thing?
391
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,264
Huh?
- I don't wanna think about it.
392
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:12,101
♪ ♪
393
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,561
Wow.
394
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,437
Bold.
395
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:18,941
- You just asked me if I had
a fetish for older women.
396
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:20,359
So I think you're bold.
397
00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:21,777
- Well,
I guess we're both bold.
398
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,112
- I guess we're both bold.
399
00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:25,197
- [laughs]
400
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:27,157
- You wanna come back
to my place?
401
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:30,619
♪ ♪
402
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,455
[soft music]
403
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,457
- ♪ They don't know ♪
404
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:38,377
♪ And they don't know
nobody's business ♪
405
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:41,463
♪ ♪
406
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,383
- [whispering] So it's
a different driver every time?
407
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:47,678
♪ ♪
408
00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:50,097
- [whispering]
Yeah.
409
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,641
It's just like a taxi.
410
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,184
You'll never see him again.
411
00:14:54,268 --> 00:15:01,317
♪ ♪
412
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:08,907
[door beeps]
- See, they're hard,
413
00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:10,075
those cards.
414
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,744
Like, whatever happened
to keys?
415
00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:13,996
I don't understand.
416
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,789
[gasps]
The bed.
417
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:18,292
[humming]
418
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:20,336
All right.
We should order a movie.
419
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,296
Do they--wait, do they have
"Pretty Woman"?
420
00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:24,506
- Mom, no.
It's late and you're drunk.
421
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:25,716
I don't wanna start a movie.
422
00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:28,761
- I am not drunk.
- [scoffs]
423
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:31,680
All right.
424
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,182
Hey, um, Mom,
425
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,434
what about tomorrow morning,
we get some breakfast?
426
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,770
I read about this place,
Mary's Pancake House.
427
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:41,565
We could, you know, catch up
and talk for real.
428
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,400
- Oh, yeah. I love that idea.
429
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:46,070
- Okay, great.
- [gasps]
430
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:48,614
They do!
They do have "Pretty Woman"!
431
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:51,283
[laughs]
I'm hitting play.
432
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:54,745
Oh, God.
433
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:58,040
He is so ha--handsome.
434
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:02,378
[crickets chirping]
435
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,713
- So I moved down too.
436
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,590
Got a job at FedEx.
437
00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,260
Benefits are good.
438
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:11,720
Get to see my kids every week.
439
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:14,390
[cracks open beer]
- That's nice.
440
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:18,811
Thank you.
441
00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:21,563
- [exhales heavily]
- Mmm.
442
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:25,567
Ah, beer.
443
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,611
I remember you.
[chuckles]
444
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,408
- How'd you get this scar?
445
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,993
- Oh.
[laughs softly]
446
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:36,870
When I was a kid,
447
00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:38,163
there was a bully
in our neighborhood
448
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:39,456
who was chasing
my little sister
449
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,166
on his bike.
450
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:42,710
So I tackled him.
451
00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:44,420
- You tackled him?
- [laughs]
452
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:45,587
- That's sweet.
453
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,964
You guys close?
454
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,385
- We were.
455
00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:57,141
Then she ran off
with my husband.
456
00:16:57,224 --> 00:17:00,185
- Jesus Christ, you're kidding?
457
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,395
- Mm-mm.
458
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,480
- That's fucking crazy.
459
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,733
How could they do that to you?
460
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:10,863
- Truth be told,
it wasn't entirely their fault.
461
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:13,031
I think they both felt
neglected because I cared
462
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,576
more about my career
than I did about them.
463
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:17,578
- Ah.
464
00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:22,750
- Let's not talk about that.
465
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:24,877
- Yeah.
466
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:28,756
You want a massage?
467
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:31,383
- Let's leave that
to the professionals.
468
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,773
Wow.
469
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,608
- Are you too tired?
470
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,821
- No.
471
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,573
- [kisses]
472
00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,454
[bottles clink]
473
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:11,548
- This is crazy.
474
00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:14,343
- Go with it.
475
00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:17,012
- Okay.
[laughs]
476
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,640
Mmm.
477
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:36,240
[door beeps]
- Mm, oh.
478
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:38,325
Come back later, please.
479
00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:39,827
[door slams]
Mom?
480
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,870
- I'm just getting back
from breakfast, and here,
481
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,248
I got your favorite,
chocolate chip pancakes.
482
00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:45,666
They're so good.
483
00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:47,417
- Wait. You went without me?
484
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,253
The whole point was for us
to go together.
485
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:51,171
Why didn't you wake me up?
I set my alarm.
486
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,882
- I turned it off.
You looked so tired.
487
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,510
- I looked tired
while I was sleeping?
488
00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:59,221
- Yeah, plus I know how much
you love sleeping in.
489
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,723
You were addicted to it
when you were a teenager.
490
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,100
- I was clinically depressed.
491
00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:04,393
- No, you weren't!
492
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,895
That was an iron deficiency
493
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,397
because you went vegetarian.
494
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,274
Happy people eat steak, Ava.
495
00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:12,359
Bridget, down the street,
she's a happy girl.
496
00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:16,071
She plays field hockey
and eats two steaks a week.
497
00:19:16,154 --> 00:19:18,240
- Okay.
- [sighs] Okay, good.
498
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,450
Um, so will--will you listen
499
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,578
to my practice pitch
to Deborah?
500
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:24,955
- Pitch to Deborah?
Mom, no.
501
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:26,665
Deborah's not interested
in Vibamins.
502
00:19:26,748 --> 00:19:28,000
She was just being nice.
503
00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:29,126
- She said it was interesting.
504
00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:30,335
Aren't you always telling me
505
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:31,378
to believe women?
506
00:19:31,461 --> 00:19:33,922
It's exhausting, but we do.
507
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:37,009
Okay, uh,
will you help me move the desk?
508
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:39,428
Maybe I-I'll stand over here.
509
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:41,763
- [sighs]
- Okay, Deborah.
510
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,599
[giggles]
511
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:48,145
You're someone who knows
how important self-care is.
512
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:51,815
This is our best-selling
collagen balm.
513
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:54,735
It is five times
the daily recommended intake
514
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:59,573
of collagen, plus there is
turmeric and seaweed in it.
515
00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:01,575
- Why?
- I don't know, Ava.
516
00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:03,785
I'm a saleswoman,
not a scientist.
517
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:07,289
Shoot, um, could--could you
hand me a bottle of water?
518
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:09,541
I should have that ready to go
next time.
519
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:10,959
Okay. All right.
520
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,420
So in three to five minutes,
521
00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:17,925
you have
a delicious raspberry--[gasps]
522
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:18,926
- Oh!
- Oh, no!
523
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:20,135
- Mom!
- Oh, shoot! Oh!
524
00:20:20,218 --> 00:20:22,054
- Fuck.
- Oh, God, oh, God, okay.
525
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:24,473
- This is the notebook
we use for Deborah's show.
526
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,808
It's all our work!
- You gave me sparkling water!
527
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,186
- So it's my fault?
You're not even gonna apologize
528
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:30,812
for getting it
all over the notebook?
529
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,314
- How was I supposed to know
this was sparkling?
530
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:34,608
- It's Perrier!
It's always sparkling!
531
00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:37,527
It's famously sparkling water!
- Well, I don't sit around
532
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:39,988
in fancy hotels
drinking fancy water.
533
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,657
- I can't believe you won't
just say you're sorry.
534
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,325
- Okay! I'm sorry!
535
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:44,993
But that's just a notebook!
536
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,287
I mean, if it's good enough,
you'll remember it.
537
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:49,164
- That's not how it works.
- Look--oh, wait, here.
538
00:20:49,247 --> 00:20:51,375
Here's some papers.
- No, not those!
539
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,168
- Wait. What is this?
540
00:20:53,251 --> 00:20:56,672
Wait, Ava, "Vance v. Daniels"?
541
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,469
- Um, Deborah...
542
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:04,012
is suing me.
543
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,931
- Ava.
544
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:07,516
What did you do?
545
00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:09,309
- [laughs]
What did I do?
546
00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:11,728
Why do you assume I'm the one
who did something wrong?
547
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:14,356
- Because that's usually
the case.
548
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:15,899
Oh, my God.
549
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,567
Is she gonna come after me?
550
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:20,362
- It has nothing to do
with you, Mom.
551
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:21,863
- Oh.
- What are you doing?
552
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,783
- No, I'm-I'm calling
your cousin Randall.
553
00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:26,451
He went to Suffolk Law.
554
00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:27,494
- Randall?
555
00:21:27,577 --> 00:21:28,704
He took two night classes
556
00:21:28,787 --> 00:21:30,163
in paralegal studies.
557
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:31,957
He can't help us.
- Hi, sweetie.
558
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,501
It's Auntie--yeah,
it's your Auntie Nina.
559
00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:35,419
[crying]
560
00:21:35,502 --> 00:21:37,379
Terrible!
- Mom.
561
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:40,424
[smooth jazzy notes]
562
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:44,094
♪ ♪
563
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,391
[door squeaks]
564
00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:52,602
[video game gunfire]
565
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,237
- Hello, boys.
566
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:03,947
- Uh...
567
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,369
- You're sitting on my fur.
568
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,413
- Oh, oh, shit. Sorry.
569
00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:13,165
- That's quite all right.
570
00:22:13,248 --> 00:22:14,583
[clears throat]
571
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,925
Have a nice day.
572
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,265
[door clicks shut]
- Holy shit.
573
00:22:30,348 --> 00:22:32,601
Do you know who that was?
- No.
574
00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:33,894
- That's Deborah Vance.
575
00:22:33,977 --> 00:22:36,021
We have her spice rack.
576
00:22:36,104 --> 00:22:37,397
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
577
00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,608
I-I gotta go call my mom.
578
00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:44,446
[hairdryer blowing]
579
00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:49,993
- [sighs]
580
00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:51,495
- You're leaving already?
581
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:53,330
- Oh, well, you know,
582
00:22:53,413 --> 00:22:56,666
I like to get to the airport
four hours ahead of time.
583
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:59,628
And I was hoping to get a nap
on the plane,
584
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:02,214
but I don't think
that's gonna happen now
585
00:23:02,297 --> 00:23:05,092
'cause I'm gonna be worrying
about this lawsuit.
586
00:23:05,175 --> 00:23:06,718
And you know,
I can barely sleep at home
587
00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:10,138
because Mr. Cream Pie does
zoomies all night.
588
00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:13,809
[sighs]
589
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,895
- Mom, don't worry about me.
590
00:23:16,978 --> 00:23:18,647
I...
591
00:23:18,730 --> 00:23:21,817
I have an amazing lawyer
who's doing it pro bono.
592
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:22,859
Yeah, she's--
593
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:25,737
I mean, he is really confident
594
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:26,988
he can get it dismissed.
595
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:29,241
- Oh, really?
596
00:23:29,324 --> 00:23:31,660
Oh, good.
597
00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:33,036
Oh, good, good.
598
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,621
Somebody knows
what they're doing?
599
00:23:34,704 --> 00:23:36,039
- Yes. It's okay.
600
00:23:36,123 --> 00:23:39,000
He's tall too.
601
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:40,919
- [sighs]
602
00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:44,631
- Here.
603
00:23:44,714 --> 00:23:46,341
Don't forget your Vibamins.
604
00:23:46,424 --> 00:23:48,760
- Oh, no. Those are for you.
605
00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:50,887
You probably don't want them.
606
00:23:50,971 --> 00:23:51,972
[groans]
607
00:23:52,055 --> 00:23:54,850
I just have all this time
608
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:56,768
on my hands now.
609
00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:02,357
And I was hoping that you would
just be proud of me
610
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,817
for doing something.
611
00:24:06,486 --> 00:24:10,282
- I am proud of you, Mom.
612
00:24:10,365 --> 00:24:12,868
You're...
613
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:13,994
a girlboss.
614
00:24:14,077 --> 00:24:15,370
- Oh, oh.
615
00:24:15,453 --> 00:24:18,290
They--they put that
on a T-shirt
616
00:24:18,373 --> 00:24:21,001
if you hit your volume quota.
617
00:24:21,084 --> 00:24:22,210
- I bet.
618
00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:24,379
- [laughs]
619
00:24:24,462 --> 00:24:26,923
- Hey, if you're willing
to get to the airport
620
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:29,634
only three hours ahead of time,
we could finish "Pretty Woman."
621
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:32,721
- Really? Oh, good. Oh, good.
622
00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:34,389
Oh, good.
623
00:24:34,472 --> 00:24:36,808
[indistinct conversation
on TV]
624
00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:41,229
You know, this is how
your father and I met.
625
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,356
- You were a prostitute?
- [laughs]
626
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,942
- Hell yeah.
- Ava.
627
00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:48,987
I was there with my girlfriend,
Joyce Petracelli,
628
00:24:49,070 --> 00:24:51,323
and he was there
with Joyce's brother,
629
00:24:51,406 --> 00:24:53,450
and so we ended up
sitting together.
630
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:55,243
- Oh. Did he like the movie?
631
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:56,620
- Oh, he fell asleep.
- [laughs]
632
00:24:56,703 --> 00:24:57,913
- How much is this, Marie?
633
00:24:57,996 --> 00:25:00,081
- Yeah, that sounds like him.
634
00:25:00,165 --> 00:25:02,751
- Oh, I do miss him falling
asleep everywhere.
635
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:05,253
- Look,
I got money to spend in here.
636
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:07,714
- He was really good at it.
- Yeah.
637
00:25:07,797 --> 00:25:10,508
- You're obviously
in the wrong place.
638
00:25:10,592 --> 00:25:11,927
Please leave.
639
00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:16,139
[indistinct speech over PA]
640
00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:17,182
- Sorry I'm late.
641
00:25:17,265 --> 00:25:18,600
Did I miss Kiki?
642
00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:20,435
- Yeah, she went home.
- Oh.
643
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,187
- Where's your mom?
644
00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:23,980
She out getting
her belly button pierced?
645
00:25:24,064 --> 00:25:26,191
- [laughs]
Maybe.
646
00:25:26,274 --> 00:25:28,068
- Did you guys have
a good time?
647
00:25:28,151 --> 00:25:30,779
- Uh, not really.
648
00:25:30,862 --> 00:25:34,199
It was mostly just yelling
and watching "Pretty Woman."
649
00:25:34,282 --> 00:25:35,283
- Ah..
650
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:37,953
[host talking indistinctly]
651
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:39,955
[laughter]
652
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:42,123
- Did you have nice time?
653
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,003
- I did.
- Okay, pop off, slut.
654
00:25:47,087 --> 00:25:48,880
- Ladies and gentlemen--
- Oh, nope, sorry.
655
00:25:48,964 --> 00:25:50,548
That's not--
- Deborah Vance!
656
00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:53,134
[cheers and applause]
657
00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:55,637
- Whoo!
658
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,389
Go, girl!
659
00:25:57,472 --> 00:26:00,600
[cheers and applause]
660
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:03,645
[laughter]
- You--you laugh.
661
00:26:03,728 --> 00:26:06,648
My sister stole my husband.
662
00:26:06,731 --> 00:26:08,441
[scattered laughter]
663
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:12,821
I thought it was bad enough
when she just stole my dolls.
664
00:26:12,904 --> 00:26:14,447
[laughter]
665
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:21,830
That--that was truly
the worst feeling in the world.
666
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:23,957
And I...
667
00:26:29,504 --> 00:26:31,006
[laughs]
668
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:32,549
Actually, no, it wasn't.
669
00:26:32,632 --> 00:26:34,676
It actually wasn't
the worst feeling in the world.
670
00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:38,221
The worst feeling in the world
was losing a late-night show.
671
00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:41,391
[laughter]
672
00:26:44,978 --> 00:26:46,771
[laughs]
673
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:49,524
I'm serious!
674
00:26:49,607 --> 00:26:51,818
That was absolutely the worst.
675
00:26:51,901 --> 00:26:53,695
I mean,
I had the opportunity to host
676
00:26:53,778 --> 00:26:57,157
my own late-night TV talk show.
677
00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:01,703
I would've been the first woman
ever to do that.
678
00:27:01,786 --> 00:27:04,539
But it never aired.
679
00:27:04,622 --> 00:27:07,751
And that had been my dream,
680
00:27:07,834 --> 00:27:10,086
and I was so close.
681
00:27:11,629 --> 00:27:14,883
I got over my husband,
but I never got over that.
682
00:27:14,966 --> 00:27:16,676
[laughter]
683
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,679
No joke. I-I-I was a wreck.
684
00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:21,556
At one point,
my little girl came up to me
685
00:27:21,639 --> 00:27:23,683
and she asked
if it was her fault.
686
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:26,311
And I said, "No, honey.
687
00:27:26,394 --> 00:27:28,897
"Of course not.
I mean, the network loved you.
688
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:30,857
It just"...
[laughter]
689
00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:33,068
And she said--was like,
690
00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:35,779
"No, I mean when you and Daddy
got divorced."
691
00:27:35,862 --> 00:27:38,948
[laughter]
692
00:27:41,451 --> 00:27:43,495
[laughs]
693
00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:47,916
Oh, that!
694
00:27:47,999 --> 00:27:51,044
[laughter]
695
00:27:53,546 --> 00:27:56,174
[laughs]
Hey, sir, how 'bout you?
696
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:59,469
What is the worst thing
that's ever happened to you?
697
00:27:59,552 --> 00:28:03,223
- Um, I guess it's when
my mom died of cancer.
698
00:28:03,306 --> 00:28:04,349
[crowd murmurs]
699
00:28:04,432 --> 00:28:06,810
- Cancer. That is a sad one.
700
00:28:06,893 --> 00:28:08,770
And I'm sorry.
701
00:28:08,853 --> 00:28:11,439
But let me ask you a question.
702
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,234
If you had one wish,
703
00:28:14,317 --> 00:28:18,613
would you rather bring your mom
back to life...
704
00:28:18,696 --> 00:28:20,615
or host a late-night talk show?
705
00:28:20,698 --> 00:28:22,784
[laughter]
706
00:28:22,867 --> 00:28:25,120
- I would bring my mom
back to life.
707
00:28:25,203 --> 00:28:27,163
- See, I can't relate to that!
708
00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:29,666
[laughter]
709
00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:31,459
Are you crazy?
710
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:33,002
[cheers and applause]
711
00:28:33,086 --> 00:28:36,673
We're talking
11:30 time slot here.
712
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:39,300
[laughter]
Syndication.
713
00:28:39,384 --> 00:28:41,636
[upbeat music]
714
00:28:41,719 --> 00:28:44,639
[cheers and applause]
- Deborah Vance, everybody!
715
00:28:44,722 --> 00:28:46,808
- That was amazing.
- Yeah, that was it.
716
00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:49,144
That was it, I've been doing
this woe-is-me shit,
717
00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:50,770
and--and I need to balance it.
718
00:28:50,854 --> 00:28:52,439
I need to make more fun
of myself.
719
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:53,982
- Okay, but the whole point
720
00:28:54,065 --> 00:28:56,025
was to stop making yourself
the butt of the joke.
721
00:28:56,109 --> 00:28:57,485
- No, but I was never
the butt of the joke.
722
00:28:57,569 --> 00:28:59,487
It was a caricature of myself
that was.
723
00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:01,322
- Yeah, but you shouldn't be
the punching bag.
724
00:29:01,406 --> 00:29:03,032
I mean, you were mistreated.
- No, I know.
725
00:29:03,116 --> 00:29:04,576
I've still got
plenty of that stuff.
726
00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:05,952
No, no, no, but listen,
727
00:29:06,035 --> 00:29:07,996
I have to admit
what I did wrong too.
728
00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:09,289
You said it yourself.
729
00:29:09,372 --> 00:29:10,665
I have to hold myself
accountable.
730
00:29:10,748 --> 00:29:12,000
- What? When did I say that?
731
00:29:12,083 --> 00:29:13,668
- In your stupid email.
732
00:29:13,751 --> 00:29:15,670
I am a bully who's been
thinking of myself
733
00:29:15,753 --> 00:29:17,714
as the victim.
I mean, people like me
734
00:29:17,797 --> 00:29:20,091
because I take everyone down,
right?
735
00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:22,844
Well,
I need to take myself down too,
736
00:29:22,927 --> 00:29:24,929
in a real way.
737
00:29:25,013 --> 00:29:27,223
- Right. Right.
738
00:29:27,307 --> 00:29:28,391
100%.
- Yeah, no, no.
739
00:29:28,475 --> 00:29:29,476
Don't need that.
Don't need that.
740
00:29:29,559 --> 00:29:30,685
No more, no more.
741
00:29:30,768 --> 00:29:32,353
If it's good,
we'll remember it.
742
00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:35,315
You had the answer months ago.
743
00:29:35,398 --> 00:29:36,983
Why didn't you just tell me?
744
00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:40,778
[The Kiki Dee Band's
"I've Got the Music in Me"]
745
00:29:40,862 --> 00:29:42,280
- All right.
746
00:29:42,363 --> 00:29:43,531
- ♪ Ain't got no trouble
in my life ♪
747
00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:44,866
- Yeah, that premise thing--
748
00:29:44,949 --> 00:29:47,744
but I think--wait.
But it's a little wordy.
749
00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:50,955
See, if you cut out...
just end it there.
750
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:52,165
- [laughs]
- How many women do you have
751
00:29:52,248 --> 00:29:53,625
to care about to be a feminist?
752
00:29:53,708 --> 00:29:56,044
I mean, what if I only care
about one woman?
753
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:57,337
Me!
[laughter]
754
00:29:57,420 --> 00:29:58,588
- ♪ I heat up ♪
755
00:29:58,671 --> 00:29:59,881
- I wasn't a great mother.
756
00:29:59,964 --> 00:30:01,549
I missed
my daughter's first steps.
757
00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:03,092
But I made it up to her.
758
00:30:03,176 --> 00:30:04,844
I was the reason
she did 12 more.
759
00:30:04,928 --> 00:30:07,013
[laughter]
So then my doctor told me
760
00:30:07,096 --> 00:30:09,474
I have to choose between
breastfeeding and formula.
761
00:30:09,557 --> 00:30:11,184
Do I want to bond with my baby,
762
00:30:11,267 --> 00:30:12,810
or do I want to keep
my perfect breasts?
763
00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:14,229
So I turned to my husband
and I said,
764
00:30:14,312 --> 00:30:15,438
"Go to the grocery store."
765
00:30:15,522 --> 00:30:16,606
[laughter]
766
00:30:16,689 --> 00:30:18,650
- ♪ I got the music in me ♪
767
00:30:18,733 --> 00:30:22,070
♪ I got the music in me,
yeah ♪
768
00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:25,156
- Okay, so I really think we go
into this part after--
769
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,909
- No, no, I'm adding
the parent-teacher story there.
770
00:30:27,992 --> 00:30:30,912
So one day, DJ had
a parent-teacher conference,
771
00:30:30,995 --> 00:30:32,747
but I had a gig in D.C.,
772
00:30:32,830 --> 00:30:36,376
so I sent Bill,
my drag impersonator.
773
00:30:36,459 --> 00:30:38,586
Anyway,
DJ was scarred for life,
774
00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:40,880
but I crushed at Liberty Hall.
775
00:30:40,964 --> 00:30:44,384
[laughs] And then I can go
into--into the Susan stuff.
776
00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:45,843
I erased her name.
777
00:30:45,927 --> 00:30:48,846
I've always been so competitive
with other women.
778
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:52,225
I mean, I once stole
backup dancers from Cher.
779
00:30:52,308 --> 00:30:55,645
I'm a comedian!
I don't use backup dancers.
780
00:30:55,728 --> 00:30:58,273
- Oh, oh, you can punch that
with, "They were my"...
781
00:30:58,356 --> 00:31:00,942
- Backup backup dancers.
782
00:31:01,025 --> 00:31:02,443
- ♪ I got the music in me ♪
783
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:05,154
- So I was court-ordered
to see a psychologist.
784
00:31:05,238 --> 00:31:08,199
After only two sessions,
he knew what was wrong with me:
785
00:31:08,283 --> 00:31:10,285
I needed to have sex with him.
786
00:31:10,368 --> 00:31:12,620
Yeah, most people have an hour
with their therapist.
787
00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,455
I got three minutes.
788
00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:15,832
- Or, "Ironically,
789
00:31:15,915 --> 00:31:17,959
he was the one therapist
who never asked"...
790
00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:19,502
- And how did that
make you feel?
791
00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:21,045
- And you could be like,
"I didn't even know
792
00:31:21,129 --> 00:31:24,382
the tissue box was for crying."
- [laughs]
793
00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:26,968
I didn't even know
the tissue box was for crying.
794
00:31:27,051 --> 00:31:28,803
I thought it was for cleanup.
795
00:31:28,886 --> 00:31:30,805
[laughter]
796
00:31:30,888 --> 00:31:33,099
- ♪ I got the music in me ♪
797
00:31:33,182 --> 00:31:35,351
- I wear high heels
that hurt my back,
798
00:31:35,435 --> 00:31:37,520
most of my meals
are 75% lettuce,
799
00:31:37,604 --> 00:31:40,481
and I get skin treatments
that make my face bleed.
800
00:31:40,565 --> 00:31:42,317
Not only do I not regret that,
801
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,986
I hate women
who don't make the effort.
802
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:46,571
I think they're quitters.
803
00:31:46,654 --> 00:31:48,781
You think it's brave
showing your bare face
804
00:31:48,865 --> 00:31:50,241
and gray hair in society?
805
00:31:50,325 --> 00:31:52,368
Try signing a waiver
that says you might die
806
00:31:52,452 --> 00:31:53,536
during elective surgery.
807
00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:55,371
Now that takes guts!
808
00:31:55,455 --> 00:31:58,166
[laughter]
809
00:31:58,249 --> 00:32:02,003
- ♪ I got the music in me,
yeah ♪
810
00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:03,921
♪ I got the music in me ♪
811
00:32:04,005 --> 00:32:06,215
♪ I got the music ♪
812
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,259
♪ I got the music ♪
813
00:32:08,343 --> 00:32:10,553
♪ Pretty music ♪
814
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:13,306
- Thank you!
- ♪ I got the music ♪
815
00:32:13,389 --> 00:32:15,433
- Holy shit. That was amazing.
- So good.
816
00:32:15,516 --> 00:32:17,352
- We got it.
Marcus, you're gonna call Jimmy,
817
00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:18,686
you're gonna cancel
the showcase.
818
00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:20,188
- Wait, wait. What?
819
00:32:20,271 --> 00:32:21,939
- This isn't a residency.
This is bigger than Vegas.
820
00:32:22,023 --> 00:32:23,858
This is a special.
We're gonna go to the networks
821
00:32:23,941 --> 00:32:24,942
and we're gonna sell it.
822
00:32:25,026 --> 00:32:26,361
We're going to LA, baby!
823
00:32:26,444 --> 00:32:27,820
- Fun.
824
00:32:27,904 --> 00:32:30,198
- ♪ I got the music in me ♪
825
00:32:30,281 --> 00:32:32,283
♪ I got the music in me ♪
826
00:32:32,367 --> 00:32:36,037
♪ I got the music in me ♪
827
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:40,124
♪ I got the music in me,
I got the music in me ♪
828
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:43,544
♪ I got the music in me ♪
829
00:32:43,628 --> 00:32:47,548
♪ Don't let it get ya down,
don't let it get ya down ♪
830
00:32:47,632 --> 00:32:51,969
♪ Don't let it get you down ♪
831
00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:53,805
♪ I got the music in me ♪
832
00:32:53,888 --> 00:32:59,560
♪ I got the music in me,
I got the music in me ♪
833
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:02,730
♪ Gonna fly
like a bird on the wing ♪
834
00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:05,400
♪ Hold on to your hat, honey ♪
835
00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:07,652
♪ Sing, sing, sing, sing ♪
836
00:33:07,735 --> 00:33:11,739
♪ I got the music in me,
I got the music in me ♪
837
00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:15,410
♪ I got the music in me ♪
838
00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:19,455
♪ Don't let it get you down,
don't let it get you down ♪
839
00:33:19,539 --> 00:33:23,251
♪ Don't let it get you down ♪
840
00:33:23,334 --> 00:33:27,338
♪ I got the music in me,
I got the music in me ♪
841
00:33:27,422 --> 00:33:29,340
♪ I got the music in me ♪
842
00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:31,259
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
843
00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:35,263
♪ Don't let it get you down,
don't let it get you down ♪
844
00:33:35,346 --> 00:33:39,392
♪ Don't let it get you down ♪
845
00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:42,729
♪ I got the music in me ♪