1 00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:08,466 - Okay, um, U.S. Senator. He killed someone. 2 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:10,760 - A senator? I don't know! 3 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,220 - [sighs] Pass. 4 00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:14,097 [papers rustle] 5 00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,433 Um, uh--uh, blind singer. 6 00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:17,851 - John Lennon! - Time. 7 00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:20,437 - Oh, my God, wha-- Stevie Wonder. 8 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,690 - Mm, how does he play the piano if he's blind, Ava? 9 00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:25,024 - Oh. Okay. 10 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,693 - So you guys got zero points again. 11 00:00:26,776 --> 00:00:29,154 - God. - Unbelievable. 12 00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:31,781 Ready? - Mm-hmm. 13 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,366 - Go. 14 00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:34,534 - Bought your old house. 15 00:00:34,617 --> 00:00:37,203 - Suzanne Pleshette. - Yes. 16 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:38,747 Stole your hairdresser. 17 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,331 - Keith Urban. - Yes. 18 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,709 [playful music] 19 00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,294 Didn't say hi at JFK. 20 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,338 - Marie Osmond. - Yep. 21 00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:50,216 You don't know her. Pass. 22 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,551 Ooh! Cheap couch. 23 00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:52,761 - Oh, Barbara Bush! 24 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,846 This is so easy. - Yes. 25 00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,639 You used to share a gardener. 26 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,308 - Siegfried. 27 00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:00,393 [stammers] Roy. - Yes. 28 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:03,396 ♪ ♪ 29 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,315 Innocent. 30 00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,650 - Ted Kennedy. - Yes. 31 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,319 - There was no guardrail. 32 00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,196 - Five seconds. - Um... 33 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,281 broken condom. 34 00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:15,158 - Robert Mitchum. - Yes! 35 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,868 - [cackles] - Time! 36 00:01:16,951 --> 00:01:18,286 - We did it! We did it! 37 00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:20,914 - You guys obviously win again. - Yes! 38 00:01:20,997 --> 00:01:23,208 - It's, like, 75 to 0. 39 00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:25,335 - I think we should work. 40 00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:28,004 [laughter] 41 00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:30,006 - You big baby. 42 00:01:30,089 --> 00:01:33,092 [The Ides of March's "Vehicle"] 43 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:36,346 [bombastic music] 44 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:37,972 My business manager embezzled from me 45 00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,058 and bought himself a place in Tallahassee. 46 00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,726 I sued him, and the court gave me 47 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,228 the house in Tallahassee. 48 00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,021 I said, "Why are you punishing me?" 49 00:01:45,104 --> 00:01:46,689 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. 50 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,275 Is that too--I mean, "Boo-hoo, 51 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,402 my business manager stole from me"? 52 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:52,779 - Well, yeah, 53 00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:54,280 but it's what really happened to you. 54 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:56,324 We just need to write a better punch line. 55 00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:58,034 Um... 56 00:01:58,117 --> 00:02:00,203 what about... 57 00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:04,624 "My business manager stole from me and bought a Rolex. 58 00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:07,585 Now every time he looks at it, it says '30 years to life.'" 59 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,839 - It's not terrible. - [chuckles] 60 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,924 That's what I love to hear. 61 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,762 - [sighs] This is hard. 62 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:20,181 - Oh, my God! 63 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,725 How do you take those all at once? 64 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,019 - [gulps] - Oh! 65 00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:26,896 - It takes too much time to take them individually. 66 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,899 - So you have to unhinge your jaw like a snake? 67 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,068 God, I could never. - Oh, yeah, you could. 68 00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:34,070 I've seen you take a bite of a hamburger. 69 00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:37,907 Here. In fact, here. You should take one of these. 70 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,284 - Oh, I don't-- 71 00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:40,743 - Oh, come on. Take it. It's good for you. 72 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,037 You need it. - Wait, this is huge. 73 00:02:50,628 --> 00:02:54,257 [coughing, gasping] 74 00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,050 - Hi. We have an emergency. 75 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,386 They're retiring Black Pashmina. 76 00:02:58,469 --> 00:02:59,554 - What? - Yeah. 77 00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:00,930 It's being discontinued. - No! 78 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,640 - Can I have some water? - I'm so sorry. 79 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:03,975 - [raspingly] What's that? 80 00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:06,185 - Ugh, it's the fragrance I have worn 81 00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,021 for 25 years. 82 00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:10,982 - I found a Lord & Taylor 200 miles from here, 83 00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:12,817 and they have it in stock. - [gasps] 84 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:14,903 - Okay, all right, if we skip the meet and greet and reroute, 85 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,738 we can still make it to Springfield on time. 86 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:20,283 - Really? Oh, my God. I'm so glad you're here. 87 00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,826 - Oh, there's a free gift with purchase. 88 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,494 Lip liner and a travel size of the fragrance. 89 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,204 - Oh, no, they're gonna sell like wildfire. 90 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,915 - Yep. - Phil! Step on it. 91 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:28,750 We're taking a detour. 92 00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:31,753 And remember, yellow means hit the gas! 93 00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:34,797 [lively country music] 94 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,216 ♪ ♪ 95 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,178 So I use four to six bottles every... 96 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:44,057 [mumbling indistinctly] 97 00:03:45,850 --> 00:03:47,602 I'm gonna need 57 bottles. 98 00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:49,354 - That is a lot of bottles. 99 00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:51,439 - Well, I plan on living to be 102. 100 00:03:51,522 --> 00:03:52,649 Conservatively. 101 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,317 Optimistically, 109. 102 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,779 - Wow. Like, biblical almost. What's in those pills? 103 00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,489 - Well, I've been on a Mediterranean diet 104 00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:00,740 for the last 40 years. 105 00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:02,325 I come from Pilgrim blood. 106 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,202 We're a very hearty people. 107 00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:05,620 - Um... 108 00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:07,205 not sure you should be, 109 00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:09,582 like, proud of descending from colonizers. 110 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,334 I just, like, think that-- 111 00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:13,419 - Tweet it. 112 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,880 - No can do. [chuckles] 113 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,592 [synth music playing] 114 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:22,262 - Yeah, I'm gonna take the testers too. 115 00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:23,763 Okay, I need 33 more. 116 00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:25,932 See if you can find any anywhere on our route. 117 00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:28,685 - Yeah. Okay. 118 00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,019 - You and I are gonna go 119 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,396 to the clearance rack before we go. 120 00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:32,563 People in this part of the country 121 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,023 don't understand fashion, 122 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,858 so the best stuff gets passed over. 123 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,819 - Wow, what happened to, 124 00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:39,529 "Just because they don't live in New York or LA 125 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,281 doesn't mean they don't know what's funny"? 126 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,699 - They know comedy. 127 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,410 But they dress like tableware. - [laughs] 128 00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:48,371 ♪ ♪ 129 00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:50,581 When I was a kid, I used to hide in these racks, 130 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,208 and one time I hid way too well 131 00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:54,377 and my mom couldn't find me for, like, nine hours. 132 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,629 - Oh, God. - I realized you could survive 133 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,256 in a mall for a long time, though. 134 00:04:58,339 --> 00:04:59,674 Like, you could sleep 135 00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,259 in the home goods section. - [chuckles] 136 00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:03,261 - Live off samples from the food court. 137 00:05:03,344 --> 00:05:05,096 Go to school at Barnes & Noble. 138 00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:07,557 - That'd make a good movie. Kid grows up in a mall. 139 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,225 - Yeah, it could be, like... 140 00:05:09,308 --> 00:05:10,852 a metaphor for losing a parent. 141 00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:14,188 Like, "Home Alone" meets late stage capitalism. 142 00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:16,315 - You should write that. 143 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,068 [gasps] 144 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,487 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. 145 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,407 See, this wouldn't fit me, but this would fit... 146 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,075 - Absolutely not. 147 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,245 Absolutely not. 148 00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:33,708 - Finally! A woman! 149 00:05:33,791 --> 00:05:35,835 - Ugh, you've gotta hire an HR person. 150 00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:37,920 - I'm buying this for you. I'm buying it all. 151 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,089 - I don't want this. - Oh, it's not for you. 152 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,008 It's for the rest of us. 153 00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:52,602 - Deborah? 154 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,103 - Susan. 155 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,938 Susan Essig? 156 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,858 [both laugh] Oh, my God. The hell? 157 00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:00,818 - Oh, my God. 158 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,487 - This is Ava. Ava, Susan. 159 00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:05,156 It's been forever. - Yeah, I know. 160 00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:07,825 Just think, a child born the day I quit comedy 161 00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,203 would be old enough to quit comedy now. 162 00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:12,789 - [chuckles] Wait, wait. When did you quit? 163 00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:15,249 - I retired after that Reno showcase. 164 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,918 You remember that? 165 00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:18,336 - Oh. 166 00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:20,213 Yeah, yeah. 167 00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:21,839 - [laughing] What are you doing here? 168 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,341 - Well, actually, we're on our way to Springfield. 169 00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:24,801 I'm doing the state fair. 170 00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:28,012 - Oh, fun. That's-- - Excuse me. 171 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:29,847 I'm still waiting on those flats in an 8 1/2. 172 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,558 - You're excused. She's actually helping us. 173 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,646 - Yeah, I actually do work on commission, 174 00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:38,439 so I should probably get back to helping her. 175 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:40,942 - Oh. Yeah, well, good, good. Wait, no, she needs shoes. 176 00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:42,693 Ava, go pick out some shoes. 177 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,946 - Anything I want? - Sure. 178 00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:49,283 Not from the men's department! 179 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:53,329 - You know, the state fair is very popular around here. 180 00:06:53,412 --> 00:06:54,747 My grandkids love it. 181 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,999 They go crazy for those deep fried Oreos. 182 00:06:57,083 --> 00:07:00,294 I know I'm spoiling them, but I'll be long dead 183 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:02,088 by the time they develop diabetes. 184 00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:03,506 - [laughing] Oh, God. 185 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,174 Oh, well, look, you know what? 186 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,801 Tell you what, why don't you bring them? 187 00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:09,011 Bring them to the fair and come and see the show. 188 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,179 - Well, we'd love that. 189 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,848 [laughs] Yeah. - Yeah. Good. 190 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:14,183 - Give me your number. - Yeah, yeah. Let's see. 191 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,768 Now you put yours in mine. - Oh. 192 00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,312 - Okay, and then I'll put mine in yours. 193 00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:19,772 Okay, so I don't know. 194 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,525 I opened something called Keynote? 195 00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,861 - Oh, shoot, I just put my number 196 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:26,779 in your calculator. - Oh, well, you know what? 197 00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:28,364 Here, take a picture of my calculator, 198 00:07:28,447 --> 00:07:29,866 and then you could text me the picture. 199 00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,325 - Well, which one's your camera? 200 00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:32,743 - No, the camera on your phone. - Ugh. 201 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:34,162 Stepping in, folks. 202 00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:35,538 Just gonna... [phones beeping] 203 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,540 Handle that for you guys. No problem. 204 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:38,875 [phones blip, chime] 205 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,710 There you go. 206 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,378 [chuckles] - Thanks. 207 00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:44,213 - I should go help that bitch. 208 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,424 - [laughs] - But I'll see you at the fair. 209 00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:48,718 - Go, go. All right, talk to you soon. 210 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:51,721 - [sighs] Okay, loafer report. 211 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,472 [whistles] Deborah. 212 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:56,851 Okay, so these are technically unisex, 213 00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,227 but I thought you might like them 214 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,188 because they are $800. 215 00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:08,237 ♪ ♪ 216 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,615 You okay? 217 00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:12,491 - Yeah. 218 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:15,077 It's just kind of weird when I run into one of the ones 219 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,412 who didn't make it, you know? 220 00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:17,997 I just feel bad. 221 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,416 - It's not your fault. 222 00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:24,754 - In the case of Susan, it kind of is. 223 00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:27,173 - What do you mean? 224 00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:29,383 - There was this stand-up showcase in Reno, 225 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,510 and the finalists all got to go to the nationals, 226 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,179 and if you won, then you were booked 227 00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:36,307 on all the college shows, so it was a really huge deal. 228 00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:38,935 And I knew that there was only room for one woman, 229 00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,062 if that, so... 230 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,773 [sighs] 231 00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,067 I erased Susan's name off the whiteboard 232 00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:48,945 so she wouldn't know she'd made it into the final round. 233 00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,112 - Whoa. 234 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,906 - Yeah, I know, I know. 235 00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:54,408 And right after that, she retired. 236 00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:55,785 And now she works for commission 237 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,286 in the shoe department. 238 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,372 - Eh, a little classist. 239 00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:01,582 - She was really good, you know? 240 00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:04,835 I saw her as competition. 241 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,003 [groans] 242 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,047 Why did I invite her to the fair? 243 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:11,634 Last thing she's gonna wanna do is watch me perform. 244 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,095 - Well, I mean, if she's that upset by it, 245 00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,472 she probably won't come, right? 246 00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:19,558 - You're right. 247 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,185 Of course she won't. 248 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:24,480 No, it'd be too painful for her. 249 00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:26,315 Fantastic! Okay. 250 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,733 Wait, is this the way out? 251 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,318 - No, I'm taking us to Mrs. Fields. 252 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,653 I need a cookie... 253 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,363 cake. 254 00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:36,534 [somber piano music] 255 00:09:36,617 --> 00:09:43,708 ♪ ♪ 256 00:09:52,591 --> 00:09:55,761 [tablet keyboard clacking] 257 00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,186 - [sighs] 258 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:11,360 ♪ ♪ 259 00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,197 - Oh, Jesus. 260 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,199 Kayla, it's Saturday. 261 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,577 You gotta start using that calendar I gave you. 262 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,704 - Oh, no, I know. I heard you had to cancel 263 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,998 your trip to Cabo this weekend 'cause you had to work. 264 00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:26,584 I thought I'd come here in case you need anything. 265 00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:28,002 - Oh. 266 00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:30,796 - Plus, I feel so bad about your trip 267 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,089 that at lunchtime, 268 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,383 I'm gonna make you a piña colada. 269 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,218 [with Jamaican accent] Bring a little island to you, 270 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,428 brother! 271 00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:39,722 - Oof, okay. Um, not an island. 272 00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,015 Also... 273 00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:43,476 be careful with the accent, but... 274 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,560 that's actually very sweet. 275 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,062 Just do me a favor. 276 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,897 Could you make it virgin since I'm working? 277 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:51,817 - Um, I don't think I can, but I can try. 278 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,069 [chuckles] 279 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,654 - Okay, thank you. 280 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,114 Thanks for coming in. 281 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:58,741 - My boss. 282 00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,576 Gotta love him. [laughs] 283 00:11:00,659 --> 00:11:02,912 [lively music] 284 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,831 [people screaming] - With all the discarded food, 285 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:09,210 I would love to see a composting bin somewhere. 286 00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,379 - Ah, yes, let's make sure that nacho dog 287 00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:13,297 returns to Mother Earth. 288 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:15,883 [phone dings, buzzes] 289 00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:18,094 Ugh. Susan actually came. 290 00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,471 - Maybe you should just apologize. 291 00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:22,264 - No, no. No, no, no, no, no. 292 00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,934 I'll treat her and her family to a day she'll never forget. 293 00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:27,395 I mean, how much could that cost, 47 bucks? 294 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:28,938 Okay, I gotta go find her. 295 00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,940 Do you guys mind doing the sound check without me? 296 00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:33,692 - No. - All right, thank you. 297 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,112 - Hey, uh, can you guys handle sound check? 298 00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,238 I found 14 bottles 299 00:11:37,321 --> 00:11:38,531 of Black Pashmina on the dark web. 300 00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,116 - Scary. - Be careful. 301 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:41,617 - Perfect. Thanks. 302 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,452 - The dark web? 303 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:46,539 - Think he means Facebook. - [laughs] 304 00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:50,876 - Hello, hello. - Deb! 305 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,379 This is Keller. This is Mason. - Hi. 306 00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:55,131 - Boys, this is world-famous comedian Deborah Vance. 307 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,382 both: Hi. 308 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:58,509 - Tell you what, I got VIP passes 309 00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:00,970 so you don't have to wait in line. 310 00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:03,264 And 600 tickets. - Thank you. 311 00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:06,100 - Thank you. That's too much. 312 00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,310 - No, it's the least I can do. 313 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,980 - Well, I am just so excited to see you perform. 314 00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:12,481 - Thanks. 315 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,650 - Do you still have that joke about the leper's penis? 316 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,819 - [laughs] No, no, no, no, no. 317 00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:18,404 The set's a little different these days. 318 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:20,156 No, I'm actually working on some new stuff. 319 00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:23,117 It's...more confessional. 320 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,327 - Huh, and you're trying it out here? 321 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,996 - Actually, state fairs are good for that. 322 00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:28,581 I mean, it's not just comedy fans. 323 00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:30,082 It's everybody, you know? 324 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:31,375 People from the city, 325 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,335 suburban folk, you know, all ages. 326 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,837 It's a good cross-section. 327 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,798 - Smart. You always knew your audience. 328 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,133 - Well, not that time in Portland. 329 00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:41,093 Do you remember the skinhead bar? 330 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,929 [both laugh] Oh, they did not like us. 331 00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,306 - Oh, my God. 332 00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,308 We didn't know they were angry skinheads. 333 00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:48,684 I just thought they were bald 334 00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:50,644 and angry because they were bald. 335 00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:53,314 - [cackles] Your grandma's funny, 336 00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:54,857 isn't she? - Yeah. 337 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,233 - Okay, who's ready to go have a great time? 338 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,526 - Yes! - Me! 339 00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,737 - You? Okay, let's go! Here we go. 340 00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,405 - Stick together. 341 00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:04,033 - Okay, so we have, like, two hours to kill? 342 00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,868 - Yeah, I'm gonna head back to the bus, do some work. 343 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,203 - Really? Come on. 344 00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:08,829 It's a Saturday and we're at a fair. 345 00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,581 Don't you wanna, like, go on a ride or something? 346 00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:12,666 - I don't do rides. - Please? 347 00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,710 I was an only child, so I never got to go on rides 348 00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:16,587 at these things 'cause my parents didn't want to 349 00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:18,380 and I'd have to go by myself. 350 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:19,673 Come on a ride with me. 351 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:20,966 - Okay, these rides are held together 352 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,384 by Gorilla Glue and rubber bands 353 00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,803 and manned by children on meth. 354 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,889 - Ugh, okay, fine, we-- 355 00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:29,475 we could bet on the time the baby calf is born. 356 00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,810 It says there's a $1,000 cash prize. 357 00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:34,188 Think of how many skintight polos you could buy. 358 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:35,523 - Okay, I don't gamble, 359 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,525 and you shouldn't joke about clothes. 360 00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,902 - Okay, do you want to look at the butter sculptures? 361 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:43,072 - The butter sculptures? - Okay, okay. 362 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,074 We could get our caricatures drawn. 363 00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:48,202 - You sitting still and not talking. 364 00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,620 I'm in. - Whoo! 365 00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:50,955 - Okay. - Yes. 366 00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,081 Love the fair! 367 00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:55,125 [lively music] 368 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:57,086 ♪ ♪ 369 00:13:57,169 --> 00:14:01,006 [blender whirring] 370 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,509 - [yelps] Fucker! 371 00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:04,677 - Everything all right? 372 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,303 - [with Jamaican accent] Ya, mon! 373 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:07,429 [liquid pouring] 374 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:08,931 - [softly] "Ya, mon." 375 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,934 - ♪ Ooh, if you like piña coladas ♪ 376 00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:13,477 [chuckles] You do? 377 00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,229 - Oh, shit. Kayla, you're bleeding. 378 00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:17,356 Are you okay? - I cut myself. 379 00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:19,817 And, uh, I'm a little wheezy from the blood. 380 00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,777 But I want you to have a good time. 381 00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,821 - Okay, it's really bleeding, like, a lot. 382 00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,906 - For a second, I'm just gonna have a little bit of... 383 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,241 - Okay. All right. Just stay there. 384 00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:28,826 I'm gonna get the first aid kit. 385 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,953 - 'Cause I feel a little bit like I'm gonna throw up. 386 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:32,580 - Oh, Jesus Christ. 387 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:33,914 - [whimpers] 388 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,001 [bell rings] 389 00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:38,460 - Grandma, squirt guns! - Can we? 390 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,212 - Let's go. We've got four seats left. 391 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,298 - Okay, okay, we'll take 'em. Just take 'em. 392 00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,466 - Let's go, let's go, let's go. - Come on down. 393 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,803 - 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12. There you go. 394 00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:49,305 - This one's a little tricky. 395 00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,848 You have to press really hard on the trigger, 396 00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,349 but not all the way. 397 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,019 - [whispers] Don't worry. I'm gonna let them win. 398 00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,520 - All right, guys. 399 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,315 Three, two, one. 400 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:00,399 Showtime! [bell rings] 401 00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:01,692 - Go! 402 00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:05,529 - Look at 'em going. Look at 'em growing. 403 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,989 Who's gonna win? 404 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,782 There's only one way of knowing. 405 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,576 - Mine's going! - No, mine's going! 406 00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:12,578 - You're too fast. I'm never gonna catch up. 407 00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:14,622 [both chuckle] 408 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:18,042 - Watch and see. Who's it gonna be? 409 00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:20,669 - Look, Grandma's winning. 410 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,796 - [laughing] Oh, how is this happening? 411 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:23,964 [buttons click] 412 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,634 ♪ ♪ 413 00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,677 - Grandma, she's getting closer! 414 00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,514 - Come on, come on! 415 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,974 - It's not coming out. 416 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,851 I think there's something wrong with my gun! 417 00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:37,394 - You're a lost cause! 418 00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:38,771 Help me. 419 00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:40,356 Shoot towards Grandma's hole! 420 00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:43,275 - That's cheating. There's no teams! 421 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,777 Come on. 422 00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:51,909 ♪ ♪ 423 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,411 Whoo! 424 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,164 Winner, winner, winner, winner, winner! 425 00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:58,707 [laughs] 426 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,752 [organ music playing] 427 00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:03,962 ♪ ♪ 428 00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,881 - I'm gonna go get some funnel cake. 429 00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:07,883 Let's go, boys. 430 00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,099 - Um, this is for you. 431 00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,644 - Thank you. - Congratulations. 432 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:23,899 - Look at you two. 433 00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:27,653 Such a cute couple. My goodness. 434 00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:30,406 You guys married? - Not yet. 435 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,825 - What's the holdup there, bub? - Her personality. 436 00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:36,161 [both laugh] - Uff da. 437 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,871 So what are you-- what do you guys do 438 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,748 for a living? - I'm a writer. 439 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,166 - And I'm the chief executive officer 440 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:42,626 for an entertainment personality's 441 00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,962 media and consumer products empire. 442 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:46,755 - Uh, okay. 443 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,382 Um... 444 00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:51,093 so what do you guys do for fun? 445 00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:53,053 - Um... 446 00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:55,764 Writing. 447 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,725 - But isn't that your job? 448 00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,893 - Yeah. 449 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,520 - Okay--um, what about you? 450 00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:04,773 - I own and manage several rental properties. 451 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,442 - Yeah, look, guys, 452 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,777 I'm kind of looking for hobbies here, you know? 453 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,613 Something I could actually draw. 454 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,532 So again, 455 00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:15,868 what do you do for fun? 456 00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:17,286 - The way I go through ChapSticks, 457 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,788 it should be a hobby. [chuckles] 458 00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:25,002 - I like to organize my Pinterest. 459 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,129 - I'm just gonna think of something. 460 00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:28,839 - That's probably best. - Yeah. 461 00:17:28,922 --> 00:17:30,215 We'll do that. - Okay. 462 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,217 - [whimpering] - Okay, this might sting. 463 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:35,304 - [yelps] - Okay, okay, okay. 464 00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,347 - You think I'm gonna need stitches? 465 00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:39,224 - No, I think you're gonna be just fine. 466 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:40,642 - I feel so stupid. 467 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,060 I was just trying to do something nice, 468 00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:44,354 but I always fuck everything up. 469 00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:45,731 Maybe I should just quit 470 00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:49,026 and go run Fox Searchlight or whatever. 471 00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:50,861 - You know what? It's okay. 472 00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:52,946 I fucked up so much when I was an assistant. 473 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,907 - Really? - Oh, my God, one time, 474 00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,742 I was on Carl Dubin's desk, 475 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:59,119 and I sent two clients on the exact same show 476 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,246 each other's W-2s. 477 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,706 - So? 478 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,708 - So they found out how much the other one was making. 479 00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,335 One was making $150,000, 480 00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:07,753 while the other was making $200,000 481 00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:09,213 for the same exact job. 482 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:12,174 - [laughs] 483 00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:15,928 That's, like, so little money. [chuckles] 484 00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:17,513 - It is more than you get paid. 485 00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,681 - Yeah, but I just do this for travel money. 486 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:20,974 - Mm-hmm. 487 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:22,392 - By the way, next week, I need off 488 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,186 because I'm going to the dentist again. 489 00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,146 - Hmm... 490 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,899 okay, my point is, I messed up a lot too, 491 00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:30,692 and it's all part of it. 492 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,904 - Yeah, it's okay to mess up. - Exactly. 493 00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:35,531 - 'Cause our dads founded the company. 494 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,242 - Well, actually, it's just the opposite for me. 495 00:18:38,325 --> 00:18:40,035 You know, I feel like everybody thinks 496 00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:41,495 I have this job because of my dad, 497 00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:43,539 so it makes me want to work extra hard 498 00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:44,873 to prove I deserve to be here. 499 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,209 - Well, obviously you deserve to be here, 500 00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,503 but everyone thinks that I'm, like, a big joke. 501 00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,255 - Hey, you're not a joke. 502 00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:54,967 I mean, sometimes I think maybe your outfits are intentionally 503 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:57,344 tongue in cheek or something, but you're not a joke. 504 00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:59,471 But I will say, sometimes, 505 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,932 it does feel like maybe you don't want to be here. 506 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:03,475 - But I really want to be here. 507 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,018 I want to be a manager like you. 508 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,728 - Okay, great. Well, you can. 509 00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:09,398 You just have to prove it. - Okay. 510 00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:13,235 - Maybe you could reschedule your dentist for the weekend? 511 00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,112 - I'll try, but... 512 00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:18,407 I already booked the ticket. 513 00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:20,659 To the dentist...office. 514 00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:21,952 - Hmm. Okay. 515 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:24,580 Maybe we find you a local dentist, yeah? 516 00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,082 - Okay. 517 00:19:27,165 --> 00:19:28,750 - You feeling better? 518 00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,502 - [sighs] No. 519 00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:31,753 - Hmm. 520 00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,046 - Do you have Oxy? 521 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,423 - No, I don't. 522 00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,216 But we have Advil. 523 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,801 - Doesn't work on me. 524 00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,804 - Huh. Tylenol? - Mm. Ick. 525 00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,055 - Okay, here. 526 00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:44,141 So let me know what you guys think. 527 00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:49,396 [both laughing] 528 00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:51,481 I got you, girl. - This is beautiful work. 529 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,066 - Yeah, this is going in our dining room. 530 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,444 - Aww, that's nice. Thank you. 531 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:56,653 All right. 532 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,280 - Yeah. - Have fun. 533 00:19:58,363 --> 00:19:59,865 - Mm-hmm. 534 00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:02,409 [both laugh] 535 00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:04,411 Well, we didn't really give him much to work with. 536 00:20:04,494 --> 00:20:05,829 - Yeah. 537 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,624 I guess we're both all about our jobs. 538 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:13,003 But at least you're a CEO and, like, super successful. 539 00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:15,589 - I guess. - Uh, yeah. 540 00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:16,965 Plus you own multiple homes 541 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,594 and you're in a relationship with a 9.5. 542 00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:24,139 - Actually, Wilson and I broke up. 543 00:20:24,222 --> 00:20:25,807 A while ago. 544 00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,643 - Oh. 545 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,145 That sucks. I'm really sorry. 546 00:20:30,228 --> 00:20:33,732 - Mostly because I'm married to my work, obviously. 547 00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:36,860 And when I did try to have fun, I almost killed a dog. 548 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:39,446 - Like, for revenge? 549 00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:41,698 - No, it was an accident. - Ah. 550 00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:44,451 Well, accidents happen. 551 00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:46,161 I called Deborah "Mommy" earlier. 552 00:20:46,244 --> 00:20:48,205 - Oh. - I don't even call my mom that. 553 00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:49,790 - [chuckles] 554 00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:52,834 - You know, Marcus, you're really smart 555 00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,837 and so attractive and incredibly tall. 556 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,172 - [scoffs] 557 00:20:57,255 --> 00:20:59,758 - You're gonna find someone. 558 00:20:59,841 --> 00:21:01,051 - Thanks. 559 00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:06,223 Can you maybe not tell anyone about the breakup? 560 00:21:06,306 --> 00:21:09,101 - Of course. Spousal privilege. 561 00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:12,521 [both laugh] 562 00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:15,357 - Okay, I will do one ride. 563 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:16,358 - Yes! 564 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:19,152 Slingshot, bitch. Let's go! 565 00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:20,195 - Okay. 566 00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:23,407 [indistinct PA announcements] 567 00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:27,452 - Hi. Um... 568 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:32,374 I-I wanted you to have this hemorrhoid pillow they gave me. 569 00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,918 - Hemorrhoid pillow? 570 00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:37,713 This is a plush donut. 571 00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:39,506 But thank you. 572 00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:41,383 - You can still use it as a hemorrhoid pillow. 573 00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:43,427 - Do you think I have hemorrhoids? 574 00:21:43,510 --> 00:21:44,594 - N-no! 575 00:21:44,678 --> 00:21:46,054 God, no. 576 00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:47,889 No, I just... 577 00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:54,062 Susan, I-- 578 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:55,522 I just--I'm sorry. 579 00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:57,232 I got so carried away back there. 580 00:21:57,315 --> 00:21:59,818 - Oh, it's fine. It's a silly game. 581 00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:02,946 But you haven't changed a bit. 582 00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,157 You are still the most competitive person 583 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,576 I have ever met. 584 00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:09,745 - About that, I... 585 00:22:11,246 --> 00:22:13,415 I owe you an apology. 586 00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:19,087 I think that I'm the reason that you quit doing stand-up. 587 00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,548 - Oh, I wouldn't say it was your fault. 588 00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:24,134 - No, it is. 589 00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:26,303 When they posted the advancing comics 590 00:22:26,386 --> 00:22:30,432 at the showcase... 591 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:33,560 I erased your name. 592 00:22:33,643 --> 00:22:35,187 You had made it to the final round, 593 00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:37,731 and I can't help but think that if you had moved on, 594 00:22:37,814 --> 00:22:40,317 you'd have just kept going. 595 00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:44,029 - Wait, what? - No, I know. I know. 596 00:22:44,112 --> 00:22:47,032 There's no excuse. I'm sorry. 597 00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:48,742 You really could have made it. 598 00:22:48,825 --> 00:22:50,786 - [chuckles] Deborah, hold on. 599 00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:53,246 You think I quit comedy because I didn't make it 600 00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:57,125 to the next round of a college showcase? 601 00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,544 - Well, it was a national college showcase. 602 00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:01,254 - No! 603 00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:03,131 That was when your daughter 604 00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:07,219 hit her head and got a concussion. 605 00:23:07,302 --> 00:23:08,845 - What? - Yeah. 606 00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:11,807 She was, like, ten, and she snuck a bottle of vodka 607 00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:15,435 from the bar, she hit her head on a table in the green room. 608 00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:17,395 She got a concussion. 609 00:23:17,479 --> 00:23:20,732 Do you not remember this? 610 00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:22,484 - I remember I closed 611 00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:24,069 with the one-legged cheerleader joke 612 00:23:24,152 --> 00:23:26,446 and it killed. 613 00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:29,199 DJ concussion... 614 00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:30,700 no. - [chuckles] 615 00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:33,245 - Wait, wait, why would you retire after that? 616 00:23:33,328 --> 00:23:35,914 - Well, I'd just found out that I was pregnant. 617 00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:38,917 And, um... 618 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,294 then that happened and... 619 00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:46,299 I saw the sacrifices you were making 620 00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:48,802 to have your daughter on the road. 621 00:23:48,885 --> 00:23:51,638 And I just had this vision of the kind of person 622 00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:55,642 I'd have to be in order to make it, and... 623 00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:02,149 You were completely devoted to your work. 624 00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:06,695 You had to be. You were like a shark. 625 00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:08,405 I mean, case in point, 626 00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:10,782 you didn't even realize it happened. 627 00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:14,327 - Hell, I don't even remember it now. 628 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:16,872 - Well, the point is, 629 00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:18,915 I couldn't do it. 630 00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:24,880 Or I didn't want to. 631 00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:29,593 But it's nice to know I made it to the next round. 632 00:24:31,469 --> 00:24:34,973 - [chuckling] You were really funny. 633 00:24:36,391 --> 00:24:37,767 - I know. 634 00:24:39,477 --> 00:24:40,604 - You miss it? 635 00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:41,980 - [inhales deeply] 636 00:24:42,063 --> 00:24:43,857 Sometimes, when I see someone 637 00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:45,901 like Leona Skaggsley doing a guest spot 638 00:24:45,984 --> 00:24:47,652 on "Grey's Anatomy," I think, 639 00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,739 "Ooh, I could have been funnier than that." 640 00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:52,866 - [chuckles] Yeah, well, 641 00:24:52,949 --> 00:24:54,576 not the most comedic show. 642 00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:57,829 - Well, sometimes they use the guest actors for levity. 643 00:24:57,913 --> 00:24:59,706 - That's true. 644 00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:04,961 I am... 645 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:09,257 so, so sorry I erased your name. 646 00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:13,220 - Hey, we both did what we had to do. 647 00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:16,598 And it worked out for both of us, right? 648 00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:18,350 Also, I told everyone 649 00:25:18,433 --> 00:25:21,645 you blew one of the judges to get on that showcase. 650 00:25:21,728 --> 00:25:23,438 So I call it even. 651 00:25:23,521 --> 00:25:25,440 - [laughing] You bitch! 652 00:25:25,523 --> 00:25:28,902 [both laughing] 653 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,450 - All right. - Whoo-hoo! [chuckles] 654 00:25:35,533 --> 00:25:36,743 [restraints click] Down. 655 00:25:36,826 --> 00:25:38,370 - Here we go. - Here we go. 656 00:25:38,453 --> 00:25:39,579 - [stammers] Uh, I want-- 657 00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:41,039 I want to get off. - What? 658 00:25:41,122 --> 00:25:42,415 - I want to get off. We need to get off. 659 00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:43,792 - You're the one who wanted to do this. 660 00:25:43,875 --> 00:25:45,502 - I don't. I decided that I don't. 661 00:25:45,585 --> 00:25:47,212 - I'm only doing this for you, Ava. 662 00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:50,799 - Excuse me. Uh, sir. Does anyone-- 663 00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:52,342 let me off! - We're already strapped in. 664 00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:54,761 - Stop! Seriously! 665 00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:57,764 Stop! I have a bomb! - This isn't a plane, Ava. 666 00:25:57,847 --> 00:25:59,266 - Diarrhea! - [laughs] 667 00:25:59,349 --> 00:26:01,309 - Stop the ride or I'll make a big mess! 668 00:26:01,393 --> 00:26:03,144 [ride creaks] Oh, no! Oh, God! 669 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,312 No, no! 670 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:06,314 [ride clanks] [screams] 671 00:26:09,025 --> 00:26:10,610 - Hey, I'm headed out. 672 00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:12,320 - Mahalo, my king. 673 00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:14,239 - And I was thinking. 674 00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:15,699 How would you like to do coverage 675 00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:17,742 on a couple scripts for me? 676 00:26:17,826 --> 00:26:19,619 - Really? - Yeah. 677 00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:23,081 - Oh, I would love to. Yeah. 678 00:26:23,164 --> 00:26:24,874 Thank you, Jimmy. 679 00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,751 - Thank you. I'll see you Monday? 680 00:26:26,835 --> 00:26:29,421 - I'll see you Monday. [chuckles] 681 00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:36,553 [keyboard clacking] 682 00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:42,350 "What is coverage...script." 683 00:26:43,643 --> 00:26:46,438 [laughter] - Uh-huh, uh-huh. 684 00:26:46,521 --> 00:26:48,189 You know what I'm talking about. 685 00:26:48,273 --> 00:26:52,068 Being a female comedian is a lot of joke writing 686 00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:54,154 and then men telling you you're ugly 687 00:26:54,237 --> 00:26:56,531 or that you should sleep with them, 688 00:26:56,614 --> 00:26:58,533 whereas women in other professions don't 689 00:26:58,616 --> 00:26:59,743 write as many jokes. 690 00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:01,911 [laughter] 691 00:27:01,995 --> 00:27:03,955 [cheers and applause] 692 00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:05,874 But I'm lucky to be in comedy 693 00:27:05,957 --> 00:27:07,417 because I could never have been a nurse, 694 00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:09,210 I mean, my God, those shoes-- 695 00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:10,712 announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 696 00:27:10,795 --> 00:27:14,132 Bessie is calving. [cow mooing] 697 00:27:14,215 --> 00:27:16,885 The calf birth is just moments away. 698 00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,845 Check your tickets and head to tent four 699 00:27:18,928 --> 00:27:21,723 to see the new addition and claim your prize. 700 00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:23,058 - Lord! 701 00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:24,768 Honey, I think you should have had a C-section. 702 00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:26,895 [laughter] Ouch. 703 00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:30,190 announcer: You know the rule. Hooves on the ground. 704 00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:31,941 Oh, there she is! 705 00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:34,569 Winning time is 4:36. 706 00:27:34,652 --> 00:27:36,363 Please go to the livestock stall 707 00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:38,990 to check your tickets and collect your winnings. 708 00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:41,493 - Check your watches, folks. 709 00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:44,454 You know, as I was saying before the... 710 00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:46,414 future cheeseburger interrupted... 711 00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,708 [laughter] 712 00:27:48,792 --> 00:27:50,585 [cow mooing] 713 00:27:50,668 --> 00:27:53,755 announcer: Folks, we've got another calf! 714 00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:58,051 They're twins, which means multiple winners. 715 00:27:58,134 --> 00:28:01,096 [audience chattering] 716 00:28:01,179 --> 00:28:02,764 [somber music] 717 00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:04,391 - You know, I didn't know I was gonna be competing 718 00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:06,434 for stage time today. 719 00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:07,936 Should've shown more cleavage. 720 00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:10,897 [cow mooing] 721 00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:12,816 [clears throat] 722 00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:18,655 ♪ ♪ 723 00:28:20,115 --> 00:28:21,950 Hey. [chuckles] 724 00:28:22,033 --> 00:28:23,118 Whew. 725 00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:25,161 State fair's a tough crowd, huh? 726 00:28:25,245 --> 00:28:27,872 - Yeah, well, it's hard to share a time slot 727 00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:29,416 with the miracle of life. - [laughs] 728 00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:30,959 Yeah, well, not the first time 729 00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:33,128 I've been upstaged by a scene-stealing cow. 730 00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:35,088 I worked with Chevy Chase in the '90s. 731 00:28:35,171 --> 00:28:37,132 [both chuckle] 732 00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:40,301 Thanks. Yeah. - Yeah. 733 00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:42,178 - Thanks for coming. - Good to see you. 734 00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:43,805 - You too. 735 00:28:43,888 --> 00:28:45,723 - You hang in there. 736 00:28:48,268 --> 00:28:50,019 Come on, boys. 737 00:28:54,065 --> 00:28:57,235 [soft music] 738 00:28:57,318 --> 00:28:58,736 - Thanks. 739 00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:05,743 ♪ ♪ 740 00:29:06,202 --> 00:29:07,495 - You actually look good here, though. 741 00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,164 [indistinct chatter] 742 00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:11,791 [laughter] 743 00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:18,965 ♪ ♪ 744 00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:26,431 - You want to beat us at Celebrity? 745 00:29:26,514 --> 00:29:27,807 - No. 746 00:29:27,891 --> 00:29:29,934 Thanks. I'm not in the mood. 747 00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:32,187 - We got you something. 748 00:29:37,025 --> 00:29:40,737 - [laughs] 749 00:29:40,820 --> 00:29:43,573 He was very kind to your hands. - [chuckles] 750 00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:45,867 - I kept 'em in my pockets. 751 00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:48,119 [laughter] 752 00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:52,916 - Well, congratulations to the happy couple. 753 00:29:52,999 --> 00:29:54,959 - Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. 754 00:29:55,043 --> 00:30:01,758 ♪ ♪ 755 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:04,802 - That would have happened to anyone in your position. 756 00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:08,056 No one can compete with a 20-foot cow vagina behind them. 757 00:30:08,139 --> 00:30:10,141 - That's the thing. 758 00:30:10,225 --> 00:30:13,394 Nobody at my level would be in that position. 759 00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:16,648 Doing drop-ins and state fairs. 760 00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,443 After all this stupid, competitive shit. 761 00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:25,406 For what? 762 00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,992 Get bumped by a cow. 763 00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:30,370 Fight for a residency at Terrible's 764 00:30:30,453 --> 00:30:31,996 an hour off the Strip. 765 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:35,083 - I thought you said the MGM was interested. 766 00:30:35,166 --> 00:30:38,169 - [sighs] Well, they're not. 767 00:30:39,837 --> 00:30:41,256 I should have.... 768 00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:43,341 just retired and gone out on top. 769 00:30:43,424 --> 00:30:46,511 - [laughing] 770 00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:49,472 Who are you kidding? 771 00:30:49,556 --> 00:30:51,641 You could never retire. 772 00:30:51,724 --> 00:30:54,811 You're gonna be up on that stage until you die. 773 00:30:54,894 --> 00:30:56,813 At 109. 774 00:30:59,399 --> 00:31:02,944 And I'm the same way. I can't turn it off either. 775 00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:04,821 And nothing matters more, 776 00:31:04,904 --> 00:31:08,366 even if it should. 777 00:31:08,449 --> 00:31:10,910 - Well... 778 00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:12,954 shit. - [chuckles] 779 00:31:13,037 --> 00:31:14,789 - You're right. 780 00:31:14,872 --> 00:31:16,916 And I don't want to stop. 781 00:31:18,376 --> 00:31:19,794 I like the work. 782 00:31:19,877 --> 00:31:23,548 - You know, Deborah, back in Vegas, you were on top. 783 00:31:24,591 --> 00:31:26,759 But with all due respect... 784 00:31:28,344 --> 00:31:30,972 I think that was just a hill. 785 00:31:31,055 --> 00:31:33,182 And now you're climbing a mountain. 786 00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:37,020 ♪ ♪ 787 00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,646 - A mountain? Ugh. 788 00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:40,273 Sounds exhausting. 789 00:31:43,192 --> 00:31:45,987 We can't even figure out that stupid 790 00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,323 business manager punch line. 791 00:31:48,406 --> 00:31:50,325 - [sighs] Yeah. 792 00:31:50,408 --> 00:31:52,201 Maybe it's, like, 793 00:31:52,285 --> 00:31:54,704 something about... 794 00:31:54,787 --> 00:31:56,581 filing taxes? 795 00:31:56,664 --> 00:31:58,833 - Filing taxes... 796 00:31:58,916 --> 00:32:00,877 filing... [water swishes] 797 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,339 Filing nails, filing... 798 00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:06,174 ah, God, no, no, no, I can't do this. 799 00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:07,467 I can't do this. You know what? 800 00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:08,843 Get your bathing suit. 801 00:32:08,926 --> 00:32:11,262 - What? - You need to learn to float. 802 00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,641 Come on. - [groans] 803 00:32:15,975 --> 00:32:18,102 - Come on. - No. 804 00:32:18,186 --> 00:32:19,437 [whimpers] 805 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:20,855 - Nothing's gonna happen. Come on. 806 00:32:20,938 --> 00:32:23,107 - I don't like it. - Oh, for Pete's sake. 807 00:32:23,191 --> 00:32:24,442 I'll hold you. - Okay. 808 00:32:24,525 --> 00:32:25,902 - Okay, I'm gonna hold you up. 809 00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,111 - Like-- 810 00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:28,363 - I'm just gonna support you. 811 00:32:28,446 --> 00:32:29,864 Lean back. 812 00:32:29,947 --> 00:32:32,116 Lean back. Lift your chest. 813 00:32:40,166 --> 00:32:42,960 - Okay, what about this? 814 00:32:43,044 --> 00:32:46,464 My business manager stole over $3 million. 815 00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,466 If I wanted a man to take that much money from me, 816 00:32:48,549 --> 00:32:51,511 I would have married him. - [snorts] 817 00:32:51,594 --> 00:32:53,054 Yeah, but-- 818 00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:55,682 no, we've got so much marriage stuff right before this. 819 00:32:55,765 --> 00:32:57,684 How about-- 820 00:32:57,767 --> 00:32:59,560 how about something about... 821 00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:02,563 how much that would be today with inflation? 822 00:33:02,647 --> 00:33:05,358 - Well, how much would it be? - I have no idea. 823 00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:10,238 - My business manager stole over $3 million. 824 00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:13,950 You know how much that is when you adjust for inflation? 825 00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:16,285 Neither do I--it's why I had a business manager. 826 00:33:16,369 --> 00:33:19,247 [both laugh] 827 00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:20,915 - Oh, that's good. 828 00:33:20,998 --> 00:33:22,333 Oh, I like that. I like that. 829 00:33:22,417 --> 00:33:23,584 I gotta write that down. - Wait, no, no. 830 00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:25,086 Don't leave me. 831 00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:28,256 - You got it. 832 00:33:28,339 --> 00:33:31,342 [U.S. Girls' "4 American Dollars"] 833 00:33:31,426 --> 00:33:34,387 [bright pop music] 834 00:33:34,470 --> 00:33:37,640 ♪ ♪ 835 00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:40,309 - ♪ Numbers on a screen mean nothing to me ♪ 836 00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:42,562 ♪ We're on the same boat but different seats ♪ 837 00:33:42,645 --> 00:33:44,605 ♪ And how could you ever believe ♪ 838 00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:48,484 ♪ "It's not personal, it's business" ♪ 839 00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:50,945 ♪ No matter how much ♪ 840 00:33:51,028 --> 00:33:53,448 ♪ You get to have ♪ 841 00:33:53,531 --> 00:33:55,116 ♪ You will still die ♪ 842 00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:58,286 ♪ And that's the only thing ♪ 843 00:33:58,369 --> 00:34:00,204 ♪ You gotta have boots ♪ 844 00:34:00,288 --> 00:34:04,834 ♪ If you wanna lift those bootstraps ♪ 845 00:34:04,917 --> 00:34:06,878 ♪ ♪ 846 00:34:06,961 --> 00:34:09,297 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 847 00:34:09,380 --> 00:34:11,716 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 848 00:34:11,799 --> 00:34:14,385 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 849 00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:16,679 ♪ ♪ 850 00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:18,973 ♪ I don't believe in pennies and nickels ♪ 851 00:34:19,056 --> 00:34:21,434 ♪ And dimes and dollars and pesos and pounds ♪ 852 00:34:21,517 --> 00:34:24,395 ♪ And rupees and yen and rubles ♪ 853 00:34:24,479 --> 00:34:26,314 ♪ No dinero ♪ 854 00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:28,900 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 855 00:34:28,983 --> 00:34:31,194 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 856 00:34:31,277 --> 00:34:33,738 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 857 00:34:33,821 --> 00:34:36,157 ♪ ♪ 858 00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:39,202 [singers vocalizing] 859 00:34:39,285 --> 00:34:46,167 ♪ ♪ 860 00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:48,503 [indistinct chatter] 861 00:34:48,586 --> 00:34:50,338 - This is my time to shine.