1
00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:06,160
EDDIE:Action.
You say action.

2
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,680
What would you say?
Come and sit down.

3
00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:10,960
Pretend this is a job.

4
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:14,160
They say "action" on a
Bruce Willis movie, stuff blows up.

5
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:16,520
You say "action" here,
we sit down and argue.

6
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:26,680
Hola, bonjour, guten tag,
and welcome, friends,

7
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:28,640
to a side-splitting journey

8
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:32,920
through some of the hilarious things
that I think Confucius and Plato

9
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,840
might have called a cock-up.

10
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,920
Yes, it's Jon and Lucy's mishaps,
blunders,

11
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,480
call them what you will.

12
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:42,200
But I'm Wallace Carmichael
and you can take my word for this,

13
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,840
you're gonna have a smashing time
tonight, you really are.

14
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,680
So, let's have a journey

15
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:51,040
into the outtakes and unaired scenes
from Meet The Richardsons.

16
00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:53,160
Roll the cock-ups.Cut!

17
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,240
Who's this for?Dave.

18
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,520
Dave's a channel?
There's a channel called Dave?

19
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,360
BLEEPme sideways.

20
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:03,360
ThisBLEEPindustry.

21
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,200
I left when they started Channel 4.

22
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,920
I said, "Four's too many.
You'll dilute this."

23
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,360
Handbrake off.Shall I do that?

24
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,880
I always know you're in a good mood,
cos you mime sucking a penis.

25
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,520
It weren't a penis,
it was a corn on the cob.

26
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,560
Have you seen that video
of someone who puts it on a drill?

27
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,240
Like in a cartoon. You know,
that's how they eat it on a cartoon.

28
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:26,880
And it smashes two of his teeth out.

29
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,600
That's the sort of thing
I would've tried.

30
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:30,560
So, what are you...?
I'd gone to sleep.

31
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:33,120
Whoa!BLEEPhell!

32
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,520
Oh,BLEEPhell!

33
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,880
THEY LAUGH

34
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,440
Urgh!

35
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,320
PHONE BUZZES

36
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,560
And cut!

37
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,560
Did you just
smack yourself in the face?

38
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,720
Argh!

39
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:05,880
Argh!

40
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,200
I don't do enough coquettish stuff,
do I?

41
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,560
HE LAUGHS

42
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,960
POLICE SIRENS WAIL
Oh,BLEEP,they're on to me.

43
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,400
Argh!

44
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:16,760
Urgh!

45
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:22,920
Oh!

46
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,640
Urgh!Argh!

47
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,240
Oh, you did hear me.

48
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:28,600
Marriage.

49
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:31,600
Have you two ever, er...?

50
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,640
We did once, yeah.
That's how Elsie was born.

51
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:35,560
But never since.

52
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,920
Do you want some sour plum juice?
Yes. Whoa...!

53
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,680
Or have you had enough of that
in your life?

54
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,840
No-one wants to drink
what comes out of my sour plums.

55
00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:43,320
Are you gonna get the snip?No.

56
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,800
Why don't you?
Well, cos we don't have sex.

57
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,120
People think I bully him.

58
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,200
They just... They have no idea.

59
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,440
I'm not worried about the toilet
getting pregnant.

60
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,640
All my socks have been tested.

61
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,160
This is a facade. This isn't real.

62
00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:59,600
This isn't...

63
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,080
This is acting,
it's not really what happens.

64
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,880
Jon decides everything.

65
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,000
HE CHUCKLES

66
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:08,480
Like what?
Yeah, like what? Thank you, Eddie.

67
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,320
Like what?What car he has.

68
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:11,880
"What car he has."

69
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,880
Sometimes I dress myself.
I'm out of control!

70
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,800
I should've been recording this.

71
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:17,960
They are, Mum.

72
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,320
We are, we're filming it.Oh, yeah!

73
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,680
Have you got your belts on?
I ain't even got me knickers on.

74
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,400
Oh, my God...!

75
00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,840
EDDIE:

76
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,520
Sorry, we're not saying anything.

77
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,080
There's quite aBLEEPtense
atmosphere in here, to be honest.

78
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:32,680
Action.

79
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,000
Oh, forBLEEPsake!

80
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,720
"Afraid and naked."

81
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,920
Hey, Jon, can you imagine me naked?

82
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,360
No.

83
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,400
My tits are miles perkier than that.
Cut!

84
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:45,120
I'm now aware, in real life,
out of this scene,

85
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,240
that each of these ends with
a cutaway,

86
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,440
and we haven't filmed this yet.
Right.

87
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:53,480
And if you're thinking
I'm doing aBLEEPversion of this

88
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,040
for you to have a little shitty
seven-second

89
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,800
"Jon stares in the
middle distance,"

90
00:03:57,840 --> 00:03:59,640
you play that brrrrr,

91
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,600
and then it's me and her
naked in a wood,

92
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:04,080
you canBLEEPright off.
It's already in the schedule.

93
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,720
Don't worry.Is it? OK!

94
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,920
Don't waste your pixels
on that twig.

95
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,600
Kin' hell, I put 20 quid in there.
I give you that.

96
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,720
He always gives me 20 quid.
He gives me it at the station.

97
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,040
He goes, "There you are, love."

98
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,160
And everybody thinks
I've just given him a hand job.

99
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,600
Oh, Mother...!

100
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,000
Oh, thank you.There you go.

101
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,040
What's your technique
of chopping up a cucumber?

102
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,400
She went to do it last night,
and I had to stop her.

103
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,800
And then I eat it,
or I give it to Elsie.

104
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,240
What's wrong with that?

105
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:37,400
Well, if you don't know,
there's no point in me telling you.

106
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,200
I watched you the other week,

107
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,960
you had a knife in your hand

108
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,600
and you put it down
to snap a cucumber.

109
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,360
Nobody in the world does that.

110
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,360
Even Bear Grylls wouldn't do that.

111
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,880
And he drinks piss.

112
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,560
Marry someone else.

113
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,840
If I'd have seen you do that
when we were courting,

114
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,200
I wouldn't have married you.
Well, what would I have done?

115
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,800
I'd have rung me mum straight away.
"Mother..."

116
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,760
I'd have gone full Alan Bennett.
That is exactly what he does.

117
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,520
AS ALAN BENNETT:"Mother,
I've just seen her snap a cucumber.

118
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,080
"Do you think she meant it
as a phallic gesture?"

119
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,560
Want to see how you get nominated
for a BAFTA, Jon?

120
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:11,920
Yes, please.

121
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,920
Oh, you've put yourself
under insane pressure now.

122
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,600
Hi!

123
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,520
I think that's what it is, it's
being able to work under pressure.

124
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,720
You...

125
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,720
I also think it's, like, eating meat
once a week really helps.

126
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:27,000
You tried to get me to eat meat last
night, didn't you, cos I was tired?

127
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,400
You were saying
your legs were aching.

128
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:31,320
Carrying this bloody show
for four series...

129
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:33,640
Oh, fuck off.
..weighs a man down.

130
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:39,240
What are you doing, Lucy?
Oh, I'm just cleaning my windows.

131
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:41,560
They get so dirty.

132
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:45,160
# I don't want you to be no slave

133
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,680
# I don't want you... #

134
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:48,960
SHE GAGS

135
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,520
You forgot to put the thing down!

136
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,040
That was brilliant.

137
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,120
You didn't put the tab down.What?

138
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,680
You've gotta put the thing down.
Look what you've done!

139
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,640
LAUGHTER
I didn't notice.

140
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,080
It's embarrassing when I catch you
doing a sit-down wee.

141
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,520
The joy's gone out of a sit-down wee
as you get older as well,

142
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,080
cos my bollocks touch the water now.

143
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,000
It's a shock.

144
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,600
Hey-oh...!

145
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,600
Oh, you're joking?
They don't really.

146
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,720
Yeah, I'm joking.
They just touch the porcelain.

147
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,760
EDDIE:

148
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,600
Go on, then, Jon, do it now.

149
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,120
Go, Jon.

150
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,480
But I can't do it if you're
on camera saying, "Go on, Jon."

151
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,080
It ruins some of the mystique.
Go, Jon.

152
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,760
OK, one, two, three, go.

153
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,360
Go, Jon.

154
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:31,920
Fuck me!

155
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,800
Do you wanna get out of this hot car
or not?

156
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,640
AS EDDIE:So it says here...

157
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,560
We'll do that and make it funny,
all right?

158
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,120
Everybody ready?

159
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,320
Get the fucking cameras right,
don't fuck it up.

160
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,360
Start rolling.Speak.

161
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,760
And action, Lucy Beaumont.

162
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,040
Right, start again. Fucked it.
Oh, fuck off!

163
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,920
Now. Action.

164
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,120
Action. Action, Lucy Beaumont.

165
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,360
LAUGHTER

166
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,600
Can I say it?
Can I say "action " as well?

167
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,040
Yes.
I'd like it if you say it first.

168
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,200
Oh, no,
she's becoming an actor/director.

169
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,000
Go on, then.Action.

170
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,000
Who do you want...?

171
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,400
It didn't work. You say it.And...

172
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,560
I've got more respect
for Phoebe Waller-Bridge now.

173
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,480
I'll say the "and",
and you say "action".

174
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,600
And...action.

175
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,760
How do you not know
that Phoebe Waller-Bridge

176
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,360
has done the new Indiana Jones film?
I didn't know.

177
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,200
When did that happen?
Sometime over the last few years.

178
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,040
She'll be a terrible Indiana Jones.

179
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,000
She's not Indiana Jones.
He's Indiana Jones.

180
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,160
Well, he will, he's nearly 90.

181
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,040
He's 100,
and she's his niece or summat.

182
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,240
She's posh and he's nearly...
He's decrepit.

183
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,240
What a terrible film.

184
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,480
My money's on the crocodile.

185
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,520
Gabriella, for £1,000,
what well-known Northern phrase

186
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,240
did Lucy just whisper in your ear?

187
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,240
And for those of you
playing along at home...

188
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,400
..here's what she whispered.

189
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,720
Nonsorence nacom bantam.

190
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,720
No, it's not. It isn't.

191
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,600
Cats, to me, is a wonderful show.

192
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,800
How many times have you seen Cats?
Three.

193
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,760
It's weird, innit?

194
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,160
I should have gone nine.

195
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,920
How many times have you seen
the other one with the...?

196
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,560
Phantom?Yeah.

197
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,640
Er, I think four times.

198
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,400
This is before he had a girlfriend.

199
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:14,080
Phantom Saturday,
Phantom Of The Opera matinee,

200
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:18,520
and then, er, the sequel evening,
double Phantom.

201
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,760
With a quick Bella Italia in between
to press "reset".

202
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:27,200
A quick risotto primavera,
and then back in for more Phantom.

203
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,840
How old were you?About 30.

204
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,480
Have you seen any other musicals?

205
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,640
I've seen Cats, I've seen Les Mis.

206
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,680
But Titanic, the film,
you've seen the most.

207
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:38,680
Oh, my God,
if there was a Titanic musical...

208
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,440
Who did you go with
the first time you saw Phantom?

209
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,200
My mum.
SNIGGERING

210
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,960
Why are you laughing? What's weird
about going to Phantom with me mum?

211
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,920
And then you saw it
three more times?

212
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,320
I took you,
and I think I took Russell Howard.

213
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,280
LAUGHTER

214
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,080
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES MUSIC PLAYS

215
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,760
I think we're on here, Trig.
I think we're on it.

216
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,800
Play it cool, son.
Stop, stop, stop.

217
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,040
I think we're on to
a winner here, son.

218
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,280
Play it nice and cool.
Nice and cool.

219
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,200
You know what I mean?
Don't look!

220
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,280
We're on to a winner here, Trig.

221
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:12,600
Play it cool.
Nice and cool, my son.

222
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,120
You know what I mean?

223
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,480
Drink up, Trig, we're leaving.

224
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:21,960
APPLAUSE

225
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:27,200
What happens when I go away on tour,
Gill wears my clothes.

226
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,640
So we said it might be funny if we,
you know,

227
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:33,200
do a scene
where Gill wears my clothes.

228
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,200
So in the script it says,
"Gill wears Jon's clothes."

229
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,360
And we left that with Gill.

230
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,200
And this is what's come back...

231
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,960
All right, mate?

232
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,560
I just said, "Do you want a banana?"

233
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,720
I didn't know she was gonna
put it down her trousers.

234
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,000
Down me knickers.
I saw the size of banana you took.

235
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,040
I was very flattered.Mm.

236
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,880
I'm turning myself on.

237
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,240
DOOR SLAMS

238
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,400
Oooh...!Are we good?

239
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,000
That's shut, in't it?

240
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,160
He'd fit in our house,
that's how we shut doors.

241
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,040
Do you mean how I shut doors?

242
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,440
No, cos you've taught our daughter
to do it as well.

243
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,920
We can't hear when you...
You just appear.

244
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:15,160
You scare the life out of us all.
I've never heard someone so quiet.

245
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,760
You look, and you're just there.

246
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,560
If you operate normally, you're
accused of stalking your family.

247
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,080
He'll go and do stuff in rooms,
but he won't turn the light on,

248
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,040
so you walk in and turn the light on
and he's just there.

249
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,560
He would have the house
in complete darkness

250
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,960
and just go round with a candle
if he could.

251
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,680
Complete opposite of that,
I like curtains open...

252
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,560
You walk in the kitchen and
it's dark and he's cooking a meal.

253
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,120
And you turn the light on
and he's like...

254
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,040
Like that.Urgh...!

255
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:42,400
You and Elsie come into the room

256
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,440
like it's the last scene
of an action movie.

257
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,480
Like...
LOUD CRASH

258
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,400
Sit down, motherBLEEP!

259
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:49,960
Oh, my God.

260
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,840
If you look around our house,
you'll see, next to every door,

261
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,480
there's a little hole in the wall.

262
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,960
And that's where the handle
has swung into the plaster

263
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,080
and just twatted a big hole
in the wall.

264
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,080
I've put little stickers on 'em.

265
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:05,200
You know you get those Velcro pads
for attaching things?

266
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,800
I only buy 'em
so I can have the little soft half,

267
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,480
and I stick that on the door handle.

268
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,960
So, when it twats into the wall,
it doesn't create a big hole.

269
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,400
I wondered what they are.
I take 'em off when I see 'em.

270
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,720
Oh, is that why they keep coming
off?I don't know what they are.

271
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,520
What do you call a chicken
in a shell suit?

272
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,320
I don't know.It's an egg.

273
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:23,960
Oh, cos of the sh...

274
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,240
In a shell?

275
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,120
Chicken in a shell suit,
it's an egg.

276
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,560
Is that your own...?No.

277
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,440
Wow...!
They had to stop filming,

278
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,040
I made such a mess.

279
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:39,120
And the floor manager said, "I've
worked on every episode of Bake Off

280
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:42,800
"and we've never had to stop filming
because someone's made such a mess."

281
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,120
But they had to clear everyone out.

282
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,800
They've all sent me cards,
everyone who worked on that show,

283
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,320
just saying,
"I don't know how you do it."

284
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,560
I've got a surprise for you.

285
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,240
I've had this made.

286
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,720
This was the cake
that you should've made, look.

287
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:01,240
That's you in the carvery,
with your favourites, look.

288
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:02,800
That's how it should've looked.

289
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:07,600
There are so many similarities
between yours and this one, look.

290
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,800
Oh, that's amazing!

291
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,640
Oh, and that's my bra.

292
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,760
Did you know, if you get full and you
take your bra off, you can eat more?

293
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,040
Is that right?Yeah.

294
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,560
Chiles...

295
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:18,840
Adrian Chiles.

296
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,240
Hong Kong? Huh, fuck me.

297
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,920
That is...

298
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,160
..a revelation.

299
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,800
You could put Adrian Chiles
in any Hollywood blockbuster.

300
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,640
"I'm only asking
for a fucking fiver."

301
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,000
"I know it's your daughter's
wedding day."

302
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:38,600
That's a better scene already,
innit?

303
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,120
I couldn't play a...

304
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,480
..you know, a camp hairdresser.

305
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,840
I mean, series six, Adrian,
don't rule it out.

306
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,880
I discovered ironing
during lockdown.

307
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,240
It's the only peace I get.
I fucking love ironing.

308
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,680
The other morning,
my wife yelled up the stairs,

309
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:54,920
"You'd better not be
fucking ironing again!"

310
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,680
I mean, just...

311
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,200
Only Flan...

312
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,920
Only Fans or Bloopers?

313
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,240
Only Flans.

314
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,840
Phwoar!

315
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,280
That'd be great.

316
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,360
Wouldn't you pay a subscription
for that?

317
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,560
Only Flans.

318
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,600
I saw you last night on Quiche Hub.

319
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,040
LAUGHTER

320
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,680
Are you sure
you don't mind teaching...?

321
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,680
I forgot the name
of my daughter then.

322
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,320
Action.

323
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,440
Have you forgotten what to say?
Er, what do I say?

324
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:26,880
LAUGHTER

325
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,520
Why are you holding a pie like that?

326
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,400
I don't know.
I've forgotten my lines.

327
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,920
I have told each one of you
a woomer...

328
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,000
LAUGHTER

329
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,360
One time we did summat together
and, in my head, I thought,

330
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,360
"I'm gonna pretend to be
Ant and Dec."

331
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,280
And we did do it more energetic.

332
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,280
You kept trying to feed me dicks.

333
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,400
I remember that day now. "Eat that."

334
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:47,960
That's what you kept saying.

335
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,800
"Don't spit it out,
that doesn't count."

336
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,560
It was a really weird day.

337
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,240
What are you on about?
They make people eat vagina.

338
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,280
They don't make 'em eat vaginas,
they make 'em eat parts off animals.

339
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,840
Yeah, the vagina.
But animals ain't got vaginas.

340
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:04,120
How do you think they breed?
But they're not the same, are they?

341
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,400
They don't look like human vaginas.
You wouldn't call...

342
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,520
You don't say
"Oh, that's a cow's vagina," do you?

343
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,480
No, I don't.
I just call it the goal.

344
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,520
All right, lunch.
We'll come back to that.

345
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,600
Come off the vagina chat.

346
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,280
A bit of sausage and gash...mash!

347
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,200
Are they getting paid for this?

348
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,920
You pay them to sit on a sofa
and fucking moan, do you?

349
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,760
You want fucking shooting as well.

350
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,160
Ha-ha!

351
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,720
And they call themselves
professionals!

352
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,480
I mean, we're crying laughing
here in the studio.

353
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,880
I hope you're having as much fun
at home. I'm sure you are.

354
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,440
We've gotta take a little break now

355
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,160
to hear from some of our sponsors
and advertisers,

356
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:43,920
but we'll be back very shortly
with some more gaffs and goofs.

357
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,760
You take care of each other,
love each other,

358
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,120
it's a short life, enjoy it.

359
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,880
Fucking hell fire...

360
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,120
It's a craft, innit?
It's a vocation.

361
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:05,280
You do it because it's just in your
blood, you can't do anything else.

362
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,800
Look at, erm...

363
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,040
..some people.

364
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:13,040
LAUGHTER

365
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,480
Some people say you lose your energy
after lunch.

366
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,720
And I won't have it, I think...

367
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:22,720
Welcome back, friends, Romans,
Brexiteers.

368
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,240
Lend me your ears,
by which I mean sit back, relax,

369
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:27,960
we've done the hard work.

370
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,640
And by hard work,
I mean they've got it wrong.

371
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:34,360
We're gonna continue now with
some more of the unplanned hilarity

372
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,320
that happens on the set of
Meet The Richardsons.

373
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,280
They really are, and I cannot
say this strongly enough,

374
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,200
they're as funny off camera
as they are on camera.

375
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:44,880
Make of that what you will.

376
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,200
Er, these have been in the archives
far too long,

377
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,440
we're pleased to release them
for you now.

378
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:53,040
Unleash the bloopers.
I'm crying just saying it.

379
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:56,080
How many fucking more of these?
It's the same thing every time.

380
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,680
I'm bored. They're bored at home.
I'm not fucking stupid.

381
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,840
Get us a whisky. Ken!

382
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,240
Where are you in the league, then?

383
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,920
At the bottom again.Aw...!

384
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,520
It doesn't matter, though, does it?
Don't worry about it.

385
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,160
Shit happens.

386
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,600
That's you, that is.

387
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,640
That is not me.It is.

388
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,280
Elsie now knows the word "shit"
because of you.

389
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,840
I don't mind her saying shit.

390
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,520
I'd let her say bastard if she...

391
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,040
If she had a Yorkshire accent,
I'd teach her it.

392
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,080
But she hasn't,
so it doesn't sound cute.

393
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,440
It used to be so cute
when I used to say it,

394
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,800
especially when I had no teeth,
I'd just go,

395
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,280
"Oh, you silly bastard."

396
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,040
It's lovely.
Proper Yorkshire kids.

397
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,960
I'd rather teach her 'em
than she learns 'em off some...

398
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,760
..kid in the playground.

399
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,760
I would rather she learnt them off
a kid in the playground, personally.

400
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,400
That's how I learnt them.

401
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,400
I learnt them from Lee and Sheldon,

402
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:46,360
sat on the electricity substation
in Asda car park.

403
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,600
That's where I learnt
all the adult information.

404
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,800
I don't want my mum saying,
"So there's a word bollocks.

405
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,720
"Yes, and someone can be
a shit-eater."

406
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,680
That would've upset me.

407
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,520
Wouldn't have looked at her
the same way again.

408
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,880
"The worst word isBLEEP.

409
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,520
"That's the worst one."

410
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,440
Are you all right?Yeah.

411
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,040
Are you sure?What do you mean?

412
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,920
Well, this is the end of our
working relationship, isn't it,

413
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,640
now I have my own meetings?

414
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,640
Are you acting now?

415
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,280
Yeah, I was.I believed you.

416
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,520
Go on, then.BAFTA nominee.

417
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,200
Go on, then.

418
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,600
Go on, then.

419
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,040
Can you keep that in,
just so people realise my range?

420
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,280
Go on, then.

421
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,400
In ten years,
I'll be doing that with Brad Pitt.

422
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,800
He'll go,
"Fuck me, man, were you just acting?

423
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,400
"He acted the shit outta that.

424
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,680
"I didn't even know he was acting,
and I'm a fucking actor."

425
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,240
Oh, my God,
that's not how he talks.

426
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,720
It will be in ten years.

427
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,320
Go on, then.

428
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:47,840
How are you feeling?

429
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,560
Are you acting now?Oh, my God...!

430
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:57,720
Well, are you talking to me
or the fictionalised version of me?

431
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,720
I'm always talking to whatever
version of you is listening.

432
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,280
But is this in the script or is this
you actually asking how I am?

433
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,840
No, this is in the script. I don't
care how you are in real life.

434
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,320
But this is how you ask me
how I am in real life as well.

435
00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,360
I know, that's why...
That's cos I'm a good actor.

436
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:11,960
Go on, then.Fuck me!

437
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,480
Go on, then, do it, do it now.

438
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,600
So, shall I just say
what's happening in the scene?

439
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,720
No, just do it now.
Just do it again now.

440
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,400
Quickly, before I forget.

441
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,800
How are you feeling?

442
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,480
WHISPERS: I'm OK, Jon.

443
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,600
HE LAUGHS

444
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,960
Yeah, fucking headache.

445
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,880
Do you know you're increasing the
carbon footprint of this production?

446
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,720
Go on, then.
Cos every extra mile we drive...

447
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,960
All right, do it,
do it properly now, then.

448
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:41,720
Are you all right?

449
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,520
SHE BLOWS A KISS

450
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,200
Fuck me!
Right, you start the scene.

451
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,040
How two letters sound.

452
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,320
Isn't a diagraph a tree?
# I can't live...

453
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,080
Ooooh, is a diagraph.
# If living is without you...

454
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,520
And eeee is a diagraph.
# I can't give...

455
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,040
So choir would be a tri.
# I can't give any more...

456
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,280
I think I'll have a word.Yeah.

457
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,720
Cut! Hang on a second.
Right, keep going.

458
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,560
Lucy, you've gotta try not to laugh.

459
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,280
LAUGHTER

460
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,960
If you laugh it's not funny.

461
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,680
Slower!

462
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,160
Lower?No, slower.

463
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,040
Lower?Slower!

464
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,920
SHE LAUGHS

465
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,560
Slower, OK?

466
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,600
SHE LAUGHS

467
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:25,560
SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING

468
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,920
Can I keep this, Stephen?

469
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,240
Sure.

470
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,920
Are you all right there?Cut!

471
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,040
What is it?Have a look.

472
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,640
Press play.Oh, wow!

473
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,040
It says,
"Jon Richardson fake nudes."

474
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,520
Have you seen this?
I've never seen this, no.

475
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,320
I'm quite worried. It's five
minutes.

476
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,440
Are you ready?Yeah.

477
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,040
SHE GASPS
That's real.

478
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,400
Urgh!

479
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,880
You can see his anus!

480
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,120
Is that...?I'd settle for that.

481
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:56,560
SHE GASPS
Whoa!

482
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,440
Oh, my God, look at the face.
Lucky Jon.

483
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,000
I think that's my favourite.

484
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,280
Wa-hay.Cos he looks really happy.

485
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:07,240
SHE GASPS
It's really shonkilly done, innit?

486
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:08,920
Oh, my God!

487
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,520
Oh, it's dripping.

488
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,280
Look at the width of it!

489
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,440
Oh...!

490
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,960
HE LAUGHS

491
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,600
The smugness of it.

492
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,040
HE LAUGHS

493
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,560
It's actually putting me off
working out.

494
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,760
I've been thinking, "Oh, I need to
get in shape, get a body like that."

495
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,800
But when you see the whole package,
you're like,

496
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,000
"Stick with what I've got."
Your cock's not like that.

497
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,320
HE LAUGHS
Oh, God...!

498
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,680
Is it five minutes of these?
I don't know.

499
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,080
SHE GASPS

500
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,600
Oh, you wouldn't go cycling.

501
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,080
It's him on a bike with a backpack,
with a big dick.

502
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:42,160
You'd have to clean your bike seat,
wouldn't you?

503
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,600
But do you feel violated,
or do you not mind? Like...?

504
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,880
I like it.
They're all an improvement!

505
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,080
LAUGHTER

506
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,280
I mean, there's not one there
I wouldn't swap for.

507
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,920
This is like men who just like
walking round a car showroom

508
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,560
and just looking at cars
they can't afford.

509
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,200
This is like, "God, I could..."

510
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,400
I'd love that. I wouldn't leave
the house if I had that.

511
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,200
Oh, he's got a mole on his.
He wants that looking at.

512
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,600
How are you doing?Aarrgghh!

513
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,520
LAUGHTER

514
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,600
Now, that was fucking brilliant.
Properly pissed myself.

515
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,840
LAUGHTER

516
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,240
If I put that under your...

517
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,000
Cos it was Grim...
You know, cos it stops at Doncaster.

518
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,960
No, you're trying to plug yourself
in.

519
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,400
That's for a laptop.

520
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,360
LAUGHTER

521
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,240
Where did you put it?

522
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:33,960
Are you filming this?

523
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,120
Where did you put it?I tried...

524
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,000
She tried to plug herself in.

525
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,440
Is that tea up the skirting board
in the living room?

526
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:42,880
I don't know, you did it.

527
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,080
I didn't do it.You did it.

528
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:48,360
I'm not like a Borrower, it's,
like, really low down, in't it?

529
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,120
Someone's gone to turn the light off

530
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,120
and tipped a cup of tea
down the wall.

531
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,960
And then thought,
"I'll get it late..."

532
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,560
Here we go. It's all coming back.
"Yeah, I did do that, yeah."

533
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,800
I'm like Columbo. I can see it.

534
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:00,880
It's underneath the light switch
down the bottom.

535
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,120
But neither of us
are doing anything about it.

536
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,160
I've tried to scrub it off,
it's a stain.

537
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,200
It's not a mark, it's a stain,
it needs repainting.

538
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,440
And I'm not doing it
cos I didn't make the mess.

539
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,240
I do want to redecorate,
so it's handy.

540
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:13,680
Well, there you go.

541
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,120
There's a little helpful tip,

542
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,840
if you wanna redecorate,
just fuck tea all up your walls.

543
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,360
And action.

544
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:22,160
It's a slog. Brutal, hard work.

545
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,840
Well, you're very good at it.
I know.

546
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,640
LAUGHTER

547
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,000
Are you a Tommy Cooper fan, Kemah?

548
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:34,280
Well, I rang up a local builder's
and said,

549
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,640
"I wanna build a skip
outside my house."

550
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,720
Oh, shit,
that's not what the line is.

551
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,800
It's funnier if you get it wrong.
I think it's funnier that way.

552
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,400
You need some people
to be giving the instructions,

553
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,040
don't you, at the S&M parties?

554
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,200
Can't have everyone on all fours,
nothing'd happen.

555
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:51,440
No, you can't all be subs, can you?
Someone's gotta be a dom.

556
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,480
That's the right term, innit?

557
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,120
Subs and doms.

558
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,840
What would you be?Oh, I'm a sub.

559
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,080
Aren't I? I take what I'm given.

560
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:01,520
I'm grateful for it.

561
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,000
We've worked on
the last four series.

562
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:06,360
You didn't need to ask
if I'm a sub or a dom.

563
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:08,960
I'm getting pegged.

564
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,680
The first is a ten!

565
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,120
LAUGHTER

566
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,120
I hope we don't use that,

567
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,160
cos I'm gonna have to explain
to everyone

568
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:21,160
on the two-family WhatsApp groups
what pegging is.

569
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,440
No, it means, like,
I'm like an old jumper

570
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,240
and Lucy's pegging me
out on the line

571
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,800
cos I'm just a bit of old washing.
What does it mean?

572
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,120
It means you put a strap-on on
and fuck me up the arse.

573
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,480
But why is it called pegging? It's
nothing to do with pegging, is it?

574
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,840
I don't...
You're looking at me like I know!

575
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:39,000
Cos is that...?
Why do you call it pegging, Eddie?

576
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,720
Others you can understand,
can't you, like golden shower.

577
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,120
Yeah, well,
I'd still dispute "gold".

578
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,400
Pearl necklace.
I've never got that one,

579
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:51,000
cos it doesn't come out like little
dots round your neck, does it?

580
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,440
Well, the older I get, the more so.

581
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:55,920
Fisting, obviously,
that's actually...

582
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,000
Well, that's not a fist.
You don't do a fist.

583
00:23:58,040 --> 00:23:59,640
I know,
I've only just found that out.

584
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,360
Yeah. She's still angry, in't she,
that woman?

585
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:04,840
"Oooh!
You don't do it like that!"

586
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,240
Well, I've got a tiny fist,
it'd be all right.

587
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,200
Thursdays at nine, on Dave.

588
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,640
What are you doing?
I'm calling Lee Mack.

589
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,320
You're doing all sorts
with that cheek.

590
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:16,560
How are you paying something £1.60?

591
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,760
How have you done that
with your cheek?

592
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,720
"Status approved."

593
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:23,640
You've just fucking paid £1.60
for summat.

594
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,040
Unbelievable.

595
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,160
That's how good you are
at spending my money,

596
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,680
you can do it with just a cheek.
I just have to grin.

597
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,560
I'll have your mugs.
What milk is it, Eddie?

598
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,040
Fanny milk. You say it, Eddie.

599
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:38,640
Fanny milk.

600
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,640
LAUGHTER

601
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,400
I would've said oat milk.
POSH VOICE:Oat milk.

602
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,800
I was gonna tweet a joke ages ago
about that, saying,

603
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,240
I went into a coffee shop and
asked for a coffee with oat milk,

604
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:49,960
and they thought
I was really Northern,

605
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,440
so they brought me a black coffee.

606
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:53,880
And I've seen two better versions
of it.

607
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,360
LAUGHTER

608
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,440
I saw somewhere
it went viral this week,

609
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:01,840
but someone's saying
they thought I was Canadian.

610
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,480
Like, fuck! I didn't tweet it
cos I thought it wasn't good enough.

611
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,480
Witho't milk?

612
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,920
Witho't milk, yeah.
Coffee witho't milk.

613
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,560
Why's that Canadian?

614
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,240
"With oat."

615
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:14,280
That's how they say it, "oat."
Is it?

616
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:15,440
"Oat-oat."

617
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,440
That's what Micky Flanagan's
routine is in Canada.

618
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,200
"I'm not oat-oat.

619
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,120
"I'm not even oat."

620
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:26,400
Stop waving at cows.

621
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,080
She's gone.

622
00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:31,640
Cut the cameras.

623
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,480
She's done.
Not listening to me any more.

624
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:36,840
Can you say it not as boring?
Can you try and...?

625
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,720
Do it again, but a bit more
interesting.Nope.

626
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:41,920
You can't work with someone
who waves at a cow

627
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,400
and then says you're boring.

628
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,480
Go on, then.
No, I'm not doing it again.

629
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:47,720
I'll do your line, shall I?
You do all my lines,

630
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:49,960
and then I'll tell you it was boring
and too wordy.

631
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:53,800
AS JON:I don't know whether
to put on a party for you,

632
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:55,960
you might not turn up.

633
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,320
Oh, look, a sheep!

634
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,160
Sorry, what did you say?

635
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,560
And how do you feel?
Do you feel it's a shame that...?

636
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:06,680
I do feel it's a shame
it's ending now.

637
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:09,120
I feel like I'd like a surprise
from the crew.

638
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:10,760
My God!

639
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,920
Oh, look at that!
Isn't that beautiful?

640
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,400
Yeah, amazing.

641
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,040
Aw...!Thank you.

642
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,640
I'll give you that.Ah, thank...

643
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,160
Did you do this?

644
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:21,840
Oh, thank you, everyone.

645
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,120
Oh, isn't this lovely?Yeah.

646
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,640
Oh, I feel bad now, we're breaking
the band up, aren't we?

647
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,400
I know. I'm Yoko Ono.

648
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,000
Oh, no, Yoko.

649
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,160
Shall we go and have a look?

650
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:34,920
Yeah.Beautiful.

651
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,400
Oh, it's beautiful.

652
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:37,640
Thank you.

653
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,120
Let's have a bit of privacy.

654
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,960
Right, then,
let's crack open this champers.

655
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,240
Aw...

656
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:44,600
CLAPPING

657
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,960
That's you clapping your hands
together, they can't see.

658
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,160
I don't want them to think you're
slapping my cock into life.Yeah.

659
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,200
Well, dear friends,
Tyson has done to us...

660
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,760
Fucking ball bags, shit, bollocks!

661
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,200
Well, I know you're having
a good time,

662
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,840
but sadly, friends, time has done
to us what Tyson did to Bruno,

663
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,000
he's beaten us to a fucking pulp.

664
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:05,720
I would love to stay,
I really would,

665
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:07,960
but I've arranged
a little rendezvous off camera

666
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,440
with a colleague of mine which,

667
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:11,880
whilst it may be unwise,
it's certainly not illegal.

668
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:13,400
And I can't stress that enough.

669
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,600
So it's been an absolute pleasure
talking to you this evening.

670
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,480
Auf wiedersehen, adios, au revoir,

671
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:21,600
out means out, we voted for it,

672
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,840
goodbye, cheerio, take care.

673
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,000
Fuck's sake...

674
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,200
# I'll behave
at the wedding breakfast

675
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:32,800
# I'll be lah-di-dah

676
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,320
# So help me

677
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,800
# Hearty toasts and risky jokes

678
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,000
# I love you very much

679
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:45,480
# So help me, I'll force a laugh
for the flicking photographs

680
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,280
# So have no fear

681
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:48,760
# I won't turn tail

682
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:54,160
# I won't run amuck when the females
chuck confetti in my ears

683
00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:58,400
# And cross me heart, love
I'll keep off the pale ale... #

684
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:00,440
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