EDDIE:Action. You say action.
What would you say? Come and sit down.
Pretend this is a job.
They say "action" on a Bruce Willis movie, stuff blows up.
You say "action" here, we sit down and argue.
Hola, bonjour, guten tag, and welcome, friends,
to a side-splitting journey
through some of the hilarious things that I think Confucius and Plato
might have called a cock-up.
Yes, it's Jon and Lucy's mishaps, blunders,
call them what you will.
But I'm Wallace Carmichael and you can take my word for this,
you're gonna have a smashing time tonight, you really are.
So, let's have a journey
into the outtakes and unaired scenes from Meet The Richardsons.
Roll the cock-ups.Cut!
Who's this for?Dave.
Dave's a channel? There's a channel called Dave?
BLEEPme sideways.
ThisBLEEPindustry.
I left when they started Channel 4.
I said, "Four's too many. You'll dilute this."
Handbrake off.Shall I do that?
I always know you're in a good mood, cos you mime sucking a penis.
It weren't a penis, it was a corn on the cob.
Have you seen that video of someone who puts it on a drill?
Like in a cartoon. You know, that's how they eat it on a cartoon.
And it smashes two of his teeth out.
That's the sort of thing I would've tried.
So, what are you...? I'd gone to sleep.
Whoa!BLEEPhell!
Oh,BLEEPhell!
THEY LAUGH
Urgh!
PHONE BUZZES
And cut!
Did you just smack yourself in the face?
Argh!
I don't do enough coquettish stuff, do I?
HE LAUGHS
POLICE SIRENS WAIL Oh,BLEEP,they're on to me.
Argh!
Urgh!
Oh!
Urgh!Argh!
Oh, you did hear me.
Marriage.
Have you two ever, er...?
We did once, yeah. That's how Elsie was born.
But never since.
Do you want some sour plum juice? Yes. Whoa...!
Or have you had enough of that in your life?
No-one wants to drink what comes out of my sour plums.
Are you gonna get the snip?No.
Why don't you? Well, cos we don't have sex.
People think I bully him.
They just... They have no idea.
I'm not worried about the toilet getting pregnant.
All my socks have been tested.
This is a facade. This isn't real.
This isn't...
This is acting, it's not really what happens.
Jon decides everything.
HE CHUCKLES
Like what? Yeah, like what? Thank you, Eddie.
Like what?What car he has.
"What car he has."
Sometimes I dress myself. I'm out of control!
I should've been recording this.
They are, Mum.
We are, we're filming it.Oh, yeah!
Have you got your belts on? I ain't even got me knickers on.
Oh, my God...!
EDDIE:
Sorry, we're not saying anything.
There's quite aBLEEPtense atmosphere in here, to be honest.
Action.
Oh, forBLEEPsake!
"Afraid and naked."
Hey, Jon, can you imagine me naked?
No.
My tits are miles perkier than that. Cut!
I'm now aware, in real life, out of this scene,
that each of these ends with a cutaway,
and we haven't filmed this yet. Right.
And if you're thinking I'm doing aBLEEPversion of this
for you to have a little shitty seven-second
"Jon stares in the middle distance,"
you play that brrrrr,
and then it's me and her naked in a wood,
you canBLEEPright off. It's already in the schedule.
Don't worry.Is it? OK!
Don't waste your pixels on that twig.
Kin' hell, I put 20 quid in there. I give you that.
He always gives me 20 quid. He gives me it at the station.
He goes, "There you are, love."
And everybody thinks I've just given him a hand job.
Oh, Mother...!
Oh, thank you.There you go.
What's your technique of chopping up a cucumber?
She went to do it last night, and I had to stop her.
And then I eat it, or I give it to Elsie.
What's wrong with that?
Well, if you don't know, there's no point in me telling you.
I watched you the other week,
you had a knife in your hand
and you put it down to snap a cucumber.
Nobody in the world does that.
Even Bear Grylls wouldn't do that.
And he drinks piss.
Marry someone else.
If I'd have seen you do that when we were courting,
I wouldn't have married you. Well, what would I have done?
I'd have rung me mum straight away. "Mother..."
I'd have gone full Alan Bennett. That is exactly what he does.
AS ALAN BENNETT:"Mother, I've just seen her snap a cucumber.
"Do you think she meant it as a phallic gesture?"
Want to see how you get nominated for a BAFTA, Jon?
Yes, please.
Oh, you've put yourself under insane pressure now.
Hi!
I think that's what it is, it's being able to work under pressure.
You...
I also think it's, like, eating meat once a week really helps.
You tried to get me to eat meat last night, didn't you, cos I was tired?
You were saying your legs were aching.
Carrying this bloody show for four series...
Oh, fuck off. ..weighs a man down.
What are you doing, Lucy? Oh, I'm just cleaning my windows.
They get so dirty.
# I don't want you to be no slave
# I don't want you... #
SHE GAGS
You forgot to put the thing down!
That was brilliant.
You didn't put the tab down.What?
You've gotta put the thing down. Look what you've done!
LAUGHTER I didn't notice.
It's embarrassing when I catch you doing a sit-down wee.
The joy's gone out of a sit-down wee as you get older as well,
cos my bollocks touch the water now.
It's a shock.
Hey-oh...!
Oh, you're joking? They don't really.
Yeah, I'm joking. They just touch the porcelain.
EDDIE:
Go on, then, Jon, do it now.
Go, Jon.
But I can't do it if you're on camera saying, "Go on, Jon."
It ruins some of the mystique. Go, Jon.
OK, one, two, three, go.
Go, Jon.
Fuck me!
Do you wanna get out of this hot car or not?
AS EDDIE:So it says here...
We'll do that and make it funny, all right?
Everybody ready?
Get the fucking cameras right, don't fuck it up.
Start rolling.Speak.
And action, Lucy Beaumont.
Right, start again. Fucked it. Oh, fuck off!
Now. Action.
Action. Action, Lucy Beaumont.
LAUGHTER
Can I say it? Can I say "action " as well?
Yes. I'd like it if you say it first.
Oh, no, she's becoming an actor/director.
Go on, then.Action.
Who do you want...?
It didn't work. You say it.And...
I've got more respect for Phoebe Waller-Bridge now.
I'll say the "and", and you say "action".
And...action.
How do you not know that Phoebe Waller-Bridge
has done the new Indiana Jones film? I didn't know.
When did that happen? Sometime over the last few years.
She'll be a terrible Indiana Jones.
She's not Indiana Jones. He's Indiana Jones.
Well, he will, he's nearly 90.
He's 100, and she's his niece or summat.
She's posh and he's nearly... He's decrepit.
What a terrible film.
My money's on the crocodile.
Gabriella, for £1,000, what well-known Northern phrase
did Lucy just whisper in your ear?
And for those of you playing along at home...
..here's what she whispered.
Nonsorence nacom bantam.
No, it's not. It isn't.
Cats, to me, is a wonderful show.
How many times have you seen Cats? Three.
It's weird, innit?
I should have gone nine.
How many times have you seen the other one with the...?
Phantom?Yeah.
Er, I think four times.
This is before he had a girlfriend.
Phantom Saturday, Phantom Of The Opera matinee,
and then, er, the sequel evening, double Phantom.
With a quick Bella Italia in between to press "reset".
A quick risotto primavera, and then back in for more Phantom.
How old were you?About 30.
Have you seen any other musicals?
I've seen Cats, I've seen Les Mis.
But Titanic, the film, you've seen the most.
Oh, my God, if there was a Titanic musical...
Who did you go with the first time you saw Phantom?
My mum. SNIGGERING
Why are you laughing? What's weird about going to Phantom with me mum?
And then you saw it three more times?
I took you, and I think I took Russell Howard.
LAUGHTER
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES MUSIC PLAYS
I think we're on here, Trig. I think we're on it.
Play it cool, son. Stop, stop, stop.
I think we're on to a winner here, son.
Play it nice and cool. Nice and cool.
You know what I mean? Don't look!
We're on to a winner here, Trig.
Play it cool. Nice and cool, my son.
You know what I mean?
Drink up, Trig, we're leaving.
APPLAUSE
What happens when I go away on tour, Gill wears my clothes.
So we said it might be funny if we, you know,
do a scene where Gill wears my clothes.
So in the script it says, "Gill wears Jon's clothes."
And we left that with Gill.
And this is what's come back...
All right, mate?
I just said, "Do you want a banana?"
I didn't know she was gonna put it down her trousers.
Down me knickers. I saw the size of banana you took.
I was very flattered.Mm.
I'm turning myself on.
DOOR SLAMS
Oooh...!Are we good?
That's shut, in't it?
He'd fit in our house, that's how we shut doors.
Do you mean how I shut doors?
No, cos you've taught our daughter to do it as well.
We can't hear when you... You just appear.
You scare the life out of us all. I've never heard someone so quiet.
You look, and you're just there.
If you operate normally, you're accused of stalking your family.
He'll go and do stuff in rooms, but he won't turn the light on,
so you walk in and turn the light on and he's just there.
He would have the house in complete darkness
and just go round with a candle if he could.
Complete opposite of that, I like curtains open...
You walk in the kitchen and it's dark and he's cooking a meal.
And you turn the light on and he's like...
Like that.Urgh...!
You and Elsie come into the room
like it's the last scene of an action movie.
Like... LOUD CRASH
Sit down, motherBLEEP!
Oh, my God.
If you look around our house, you'll see, next to every door,
there's a little hole in the wall.
And that's where the handle has swung into the plaster
and just twatted a big hole in the wall.
I've put little stickers on 'em.
You know you get those Velcro pads for attaching things?
I only buy 'em so I can have the little soft half,
and I stick that on the door handle.
So, when it twats into the wall, it doesn't create a big hole.
I wondered what they are. I take 'em off when I see 'em.
Oh, is that why they keep coming off?I don't know what they are.
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
I don't know.It's an egg.
Oh, cos of the sh...
In a shell?
Chicken in a shell suit, it's an egg.
Is that your own...?No.
Wow...! They had to stop filming,
I made such a mess.
And the floor manager said, "I've worked on every episode of Bake Off
"and we've never had to stop filming because someone's made such a mess."
But they had to clear everyone out.
They've all sent me cards, everyone who worked on that show,
just saying, "I don't know how you do it."
I've got a surprise for you.
I've had this made.
This was the cake that you should've made, look.
That's you in the carvery, with your favourites, look.
That's how it should've looked.
There are so many similarities between yours and this one, look.
Oh, that's amazing!
Oh, and that's my bra.
Did you know, if you get full and you take your bra off, you can eat more?
Is that right?Yeah.
Chiles...
Adrian Chiles.
Hong Kong? Huh, fuck me.
That is...
..a revelation.
You could put Adrian Chiles in any Hollywood blockbuster.
"I'm only asking for a fucking fiver."
"I know it's your daughter's wedding day."
That's a better scene already, innit?
I couldn't play a...
..you know, a camp hairdresser.
I mean, series six, Adrian, don't rule it out.
I discovered ironing during lockdown.
It's the only peace I get. I fucking love ironing.
The other morning, my wife yelled up the stairs,
"You'd better not be fucking ironing again!"
I mean, just...
Only Flan...
Only Fans or Bloopers?
Only Flans.
Phwoar!
That'd be great.
Wouldn't you pay a subscription for that?
Only Flans.
I saw you last night on Quiche Hub.
LAUGHTER
Are you sure you don't mind teaching...?
I forgot the name of my daughter then.
Action.
Have you forgotten what to say? Er, what do I say?
LAUGHTER
Why are you holding a pie like that?
I don't know. I've forgotten my lines.
I have told each one of you a woomer...
LAUGHTER
One time we did summat together and, in my head, I thought,
"I'm gonna pretend to be Ant and Dec."
And we did do it more energetic.
You kept trying to feed me dicks.
I remember that day now. "Eat that."
That's what you kept saying.
"Don't spit it out, that doesn't count."
It was a really weird day.
What are you on about? They make people eat vagina.
They don't make 'em eat vaginas, they make 'em eat parts off animals.
Yeah, the vagina. But animals ain't got vaginas.
How do you think they breed? But they're not the same, are they?
They don't look like human vaginas. You wouldn't call...
You don't say "Oh, that's a cow's vagina," do you?
No, I don't. I just call it the goal.
All right, lunch. We'll come back to that.
Come off the vagina chat.
A bit of sausage and gash...mash!
Are they getting paid for this?
You pay them to sit on a sofa and fucking moan, do you?
You want fucking shooting as well.
Ha-ha!
And they call themselves professionals!
I mean, we're crying laughing here in the studio.
I hope you're having as much fun at home. I'm sure you are.
We've gotta take a little break now
to hear from some of our sponsors and advertisers,
but we'll be back very shortly with some more gaffs and goofs.
You take care of each other, love each other,
it's a short life, enjoy it.
Fucking hell fire...
It's a craft, innit? It's a vocation.
You do it because it's just in your blood, you can't do anything else.
Look at, erm...
..some people.
LAUGHTER
Some people say you lose your energy after lunch.
And I won't have it, I think...
Welcome back, friends, Romans, Brexiteers.
Lend me your ears, by which I mean sit back, relax,
we've done the hard work.
And by hard work, I mean they've got it wrong.
We're gonna continue now with some more of the unplanned hilarity
that happens on the set of Meet The Richardsons.
They really are, and I cannot say this strongly enough,
they're as funny off camera as they are on camera.
Make of that what you will.
Er, these have been in the archives far too long,
we're pleased to release them for you now.
Unleash the bloopers. I'm crying just saying it.
How many fucking more of these? It's the same thing every time.
I'm bored. They're bored at home. I'm not fucking stupid.
Get us a whisky. Ken!
Where are you in the league, then?
At the bottom again.Aw...!
It doesn't matter, though, does it? Don't worry about it.
Shit happens.
That's you, that is.
That is not me.It is.
Elsie now knows the word "shit" because of you.
I don't mind her saying shit.
I'd let her say bastard if she...
If she had a Yorkshire accent, I'd teach her it.
But she hasn't, so it doesn't sound cute.
It used to be so cute when I used to say it,
especially when I had no teeth, I'd just go,
"Oh, you silly bastard."
It's lovely. Proper Yorkshire kids.
I'd rather teach her 'em than she learns 'em off some...
..kid in the playground.
I would rather she learnt them off a kid in the playground, personally.
That's how I learnt them.
I learnt them from Lee and Sheldon,
sat on the electricity substation in Asda car park.
That's where I learnt all the adult information.
I don't want my mum saying, "So there's a word bollocks.
"Yes, and someone can be a shit-eater."
That would've upset me.
Wouldn't have looked at her the same way again.
"The worst word isBLEEP.
"That's the worst one."
Are you all right?Yeah.
Are you sure?What do you mean?
Well, this is the end of our working relationship, isn't it,
now I have my own meetings?
Are you acting now?
Yeah, I was.I believed you.
Go on, then.BAFTA nominee.
Go on, then.
Can you keep that in, just so people realise my range?
Go on, then.
In ten years, I'll be doing that with Brad Pitt.
He'll go, "Fuck me, man, were you just acting?
"He acted the shit outta that.
"I didn't even know he was acting, and I'm a fucking actor."
Oh, my God, that's not how he talks.
It will be in ten years.
Go on, then.
How are you feeling?
Are you acting now?Oh, my God...!
Well, are you talking to me or the fictionalised version of me?
I'm always talking to whatever version of you is listening.
But is this in the script or is this you actually asking how I am?
No, this is in the script. I don't care how you are in real life.
But this is how you ask me how I am in real life as well.
I know, that's why... That's cos I'm a good actor.
Go on, then.Fuck me!
Go on, then, do it, do it now.
So, shall I just say what's happening in the scene?
No, just do it now. Just do it again now.
Quickly, before I forget.
How are you feeling?
WHISPERS: I'm OK, Jon.
HE LAUGHS
Yeah, fucking headache.
Do you know you're increasing the carbon footprint of this production?
Go on, then. Cos every extra mile we drive...
All right, do it, do it properly now, then.
Are you all right?
SHE BLOWS A KISS
Fuck me! Right, you start the scene.
How two letters sound.
Isn't a diagraph a tree? # I can't live...
Ooooh, is a diagraph. # If living is without you...
And eeee is a diagraph. # I can't give...
So choir would be a tri. # I can't give any more...
I think I'll have a word.Yeah.
Cut! Hang on a second. Right, keep going.
Lucy, you've gotta try not to laugh.
LAUGHTER
If you laugh it's not funny.
Slower!
Lower?No, slower.
Lower?Slower!
SHE LAUGHS
Slower, OK?
SHE LAUGHS
SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING
Can I keep this, Stephen?
Sure.
Are you all right there?Cut!
What is it?Have a look.
Press play.Oh, wow!
It says, "Jon Richardson fake nudes."
Have you seen this? I've never seen this, no.
I'm quite worried. It's five minutes.
Are you ready?Yeah.
SHE GASPS That's real.
Urgh!
You can see his anus!
Is that...?I'd settle for that.
SHE GASPS Whoa!
Oh, my God, look at the face. Lucky Jon.
I think that's my favourite.
Wa-hay.Cos he looks really happy.
SHE GASPS It's really shonkilly done, innit?
Oh, my God!
Oh, it's dripping.
Look at the width of it!
Oh...!
HE LAUGHS
The smugness of it.
HE LAUGHS
It's actually putting me off working out.
I've been thinking, "Oh, I need to get in shape, get a body like that."
But when you see the whole package, you're like,
"Stick with what I've got." Your cock's not like that.
HE LAUGHS Oh, God...!
Is it five minutes of these? I don't know.
SHE GASPS
Oh, you wouldn't go cycling.
It's him on a bike with a backpack, with a big dick.
You'd have to clean your bike seat, wouldn't you?
But do you feel violated, or do you not mind? Like...?
I like it. They're all an improvement!
LAUGHTER
I mean, there's not one there I wouldn't swap for.
This is like men who just like walking round a car showroom
and just looking at cars they can't afford.
This is like, "God, I could..."
I'd love that. I wouldn't leave the house if I had that.
Oh, he's got a mole on his. He wants that looking at.
How are you doing?Aarrgghh!
LAUGHTER
Now, that was fucking brilliant. Properly pissed myself.
LAUGHTER
If I put that under your...
Cos it was Grim... You know, cos it stops at Doncaster.
No, you're trying to plug yourself in.
That's for a laptop.
LAUGHTER
Where did you put it?
Are you filming this?
Where did you put it?I tried...
She tried to plug herself in.
Is that tea up the skirting board in the living room?
I don't know, you did it.
I didn't do it.You did it.
I'm not like a Borrower, it's, like, really low down, in't it?
Someone's gone to turn the light off
and tipped a cup of tea down the wall.
And then thought, "I'll get it late..."
Here we go. It's all coming back. "Yeah, I did do that, yeah."
I'm like Columbo. I can see it.
It's underneath the light switch down the bottom.
But neither of us are doing anything about it.
I've tried to scrub it off, it's a stain.
It's not a mark, it's a stain, it needs repainting.
And I'm not doing it cos I didn't make the mess.
I do want to redecorate, so it's handy.
Well, there you go.
There's a little helpful tip,
if you wanna redecorate, just fuck tea all up your walls.
And action.
It's a slog. Brutal, hard work.
Well, you're very good at it. I know.
LAUGHTER
Are you a Tommy Cooper fan, Kemah?
Well, I rang up a local builder's and said,
"I wanna build a skip outside my house."
Oh, shit, that's not what the line is.
It's funnier if you get it wrong. I think it's funnier that way.
You need some people to be giving the instructions,
don't you, at the S&M parties?
Can't have everyone on all fours, nothing'd happen.
No, you can't all be subs, can you? Someone's gotta be a dom.
That's the right term, innit?
Subs and doms.
What would you be?Oh, I'm a sub.
Aren't I? I take what I'm given.
I'm grateful for it.
We've worked on the last four series.
You didn't need to ask if I'm a sub or a dom.
I'm getting pegged.
The first is a ten!
LAUGHTER
I hope we don't use that,
cos I'm gonna have to explain to everyone
on the two-family WhatsApp groups what pegging is.
No, it means, like, I'm like an old jumper
and Lucy's pegging me out on the line
cos I'm just a bit of old washing. What does it mean?
It means you put a strap-on on and fuck me up the arse.
But why is it called pegging? It's nothing to do with pegging, is it?
I don't... You're looking at me like I know!
Cos is that...? Why do you call it pegging, Eddie?
Others you can understand, can't you, like golden shower.
Yeah, well, I'd still dispute "gold".
Pearl necklace. I've never got that one,
cos it doesn't come out like little dots round your neck, does it?
Well, the older I get, the more so.
Fisting, obviously, that's actually...
Well, that's not a fist. You don't do a fist.
I know, I've only just found that out.
Yeah. She's still angry, in't she, that woman?
"Oooh! You don't do it like that!"
Well, I've got a tiny fist, it'd be all right.
Thursdays at nine, on Dave.
What are you doing? I'm calling Lee Mack.
You're doing all sorts with that cheek.
How are you paying something £1.60?
How have you done that with your cheek?
"Status approved."
You've just fucking paid £1.60 for summat.
Unbelievable.
That's how good you are at spending my money,
you can do it with just a cheek. I just have to grin.
I'll have your mugs. What milk is it, Eddie?
Fanny milk. You say it, Eddie.
Fanny milk.
LAUGHTER
I would've said oat milk. POSH VOICE:Oat milk.
I was gonna tweet a joke ages ago about that, saying,
I went into a coffee shop and asked for a coffee with oat milk,
and they thought I was really Northern,
so they brought me a black coffee.
And I've seen two better versions of it.
LAUGHTER
I saw somewhere it went viral this week,
but someone's saying they thought I was Canadian.
Like, fuck! I didn't tweet it cos I thought it wasn't good enough.
Witho't milk?
Witho't milk, yeah. Coffee witho't milk.
Why's that Canadian?
"With oat."
That's how they say it, "oat." Is it?
"Oat-oat."
That's what Micky Flanagan's routine is in Canada.
"I'm not oat-oat.
"I'm not even oat."
Stop waving at cows.
She's gone.
Cut the cameras.
She's done. Not listening to me any more.
Can you say it not as boring? Can you try and...?
Do it again, but a bit more interesting.Nope.
You can't work with someone who waves at a cow
and then says you're boring.
Go on, then. No, I'm not doing it again.
I'll do your line, shall I? You do all my lines,
and then I'll tell you it was boring and too wordy.
AS JON:I don't know whether to put on a party for you,
you might not turn up.
Oh, look, a sheep!
Sorry, what did you say?
And how do you feel? Do you feel it's a shame that...?
I do feel it's a shame it's ending now.
I feel like I'd like a surprise from the crew.
My God!
Oh, look at that! Isn't that beautiful?
Yeah, amazing.
Aw...!Thank you.
I'll give you that.Ah, thank...
Did you do this?
Oh, thank you, everyone.
Oh, isn't this lovely?Yeah.
Oh, I feel bad now, we're breaking the band up, aren't we?
I know. I'm Yoko Ono.
Oh, no, Yoko.
Shall we go and have a look?
Yeah.Beautiful.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Thank you.
Let's have a bit of privacy.
Right, then, let's crack open this champers.
Aw...
CLAPPING
That's you clapping your hands together, they can't see.
I don't want them to think you're slapping my cock into life.Yeah.
Well, dear friends, Tyson has done to us...
Fucking ball bags, shit, bollocks!
Well, I know you're having a good time,
but sadly, friends, time has done to us what Tyson did to Bruno,
he's beaten us to a fucking pulp.
I would love to stay, I really would,
but I've arranged a little rendezvous off camera
with a colleague of mine which,
whilst it may be unwise, it's certainly not illegal.
And I can't stress that enough.
So it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you this evening.
Auf wiedersehen, adios, au revoir,
out means out, we voted for it,
goodbye, cheerio, take care.
Fuck's sake...
# I'll behave at the wedding breakfast
# I'll be lah-di-dah
# So help me
# Hearty toasts and risky jokes
# I love you very much
# So help me, I'll force a laugh for the flicking photographs
# So have no fear
# I won't turn tail
# I won't run amuck when the females chuck confetti in my ears
# And cross me heart, love I'll keep off the pale ale... #
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