["Knock On Wood" playing]
Okay, everybody. [sighs] Let's breathe. Just breathe.
That's right. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. [exhales deeply]
Okay, you've already done the hard part. You didn't press that snooze button.
You got out of bed to be here. Early. [sighs]
Okay, everybody, let's move.
[step class] Whoo.
Up on our steps.
Four, five, six. Five, six, seven, eight. And punch. Punch.
Who do you wanna punch, huh? I know who I wanna punch.
[chuckles] And punch. Punch.
Last one. Punch. And punch.
Jump off our steps.
Four, five, six, seven-- And stomp. Did I say "stomp"? I meant, "Step."
Whoo. Step.
Two more. Step.
Whoo. Last one. Step.
Stretch it out. Swing. That's it. Whoo.
Stretch it out. Swing. And step. Three, two, one.
Let's switch. Three, two, one.
- Okay, everybody. Whoo. - [step class chuckling]
[Sheila] I saw you in there.
Your heels were really planted for those step-dip lunges.
You have a great base. It's so much better for your knees.
Aw, thanks. Um, so, Ernie wants to have a meeting.
I'm trying some modifications on the Step after the joint doctor
- we spoke to mentioned that-- - He's really serious about it. [chuckles]
Oh. And before I forget,
remind me to tell you what I'm thinking about that we need for the infomercial.
- We'll have to test it out first, but... - Oh, Lord. The T word.
...it's a green-screen backdrop, so we can put it up in the studio,
and you can make it look like you're anywhere.
- So we can try different backgrounds. - Yeah.
Snowcapped mountains, pink sand beaches in Bermuda,
- a yacht. I mean-- - Sheila, stop.
Just... [grunts] Sorry. Just, Ernie wants to meet.
He insists, in fact, that we convene the board.
Convene?
It's the official terminology.
Look, I've used every excuse in the book. He's not backing off.
- This is my company. - Our company.
- Yes, of course. I was just-- - That we started together with Ernie too.
[inhales deeply] And Ernie's best friend: Ernie's money. [inhales sharply]
Very well. We shall convene the board.
Thank you. [sighs, chuckles]
I still don't understand what Ernie's big problem is.
With launching a product that somebody else just launched,
and that somebody is the famous star of a television show?
It's a challenge.
And it's one that I am choosing to meet with gratitude and excitement.
[Danny] That's when the police start in, shooting rubber bullets,
which sounds like a kid's toy. Let me tell you right now, it's not.
They hurt like shit.
Comrade of ours actually took one to the face.
Son of a bitch was lodged in his cheek.
So blood is everywhere, and I'm doing what I do.
I'm looking around. "How can I help? What can I find?" [chuckles]
- [chuckles] - And all I've got is my bandana.
No good. I need it. So I don't breathe in the tear gas.
So that's what I would call a tough spot or a difficult position. [chuckles]
- I'm from Orange County. - I'm sorry?
I had asked where you were from before you started talking.
Right. Yeah, well-- And, you know, I'm just a little out of, uh,
practice of meeting people since the, uh... [smacks lips] ...the divorce.
- What? I didn't catch that. - My divorce.
- Sorry? - [Danny] Are you joking?
- You are. All right. - [snorts]
- Yeah, okay, you are. - [laughs]
I like jokes. I like stuff like that.
I can laugh at myself and the stigma and the shame.
Another drink helps.
We're just making small talk.
Yes. Yes, we are all skimming the surface here.
You're right. So you are Lisa,
- from Orange County. - [Lisa] Right.
And you're Mary. From?
- Ohio. - Ohio.
Weather's a lot better out here, I can tell you that.
Yeah. Okay, so, Mary from Ohio, we're gonna talk about the weather.
And, Lisa, we're gonna have another drink.
Now you're getting the hang of it.
Oh, hey, that goes straight to the ocean. You know that, right?
You should take a second and think about which receptacle it goes in
before you pitch it in the garbage. [clears throat]
Today was a good day.
Hair-wise and work-wise.
You did good things, and nothing bad.
You were gentle on yourself and others.
[sighs] Okay.
One, two, three, four.
[television audience laughing]
- Sweetie? - [people on television chattering]
What are you doing up? It's past your bedtime.
[Maya] I'm watching Kelly Kilmartin.
[Kelly] And pull.
Reach and pull. 'Cause we don't want to pull any muscles, do we, Johnny?
[Kelly] Reach and pull.
Just like you're climbing up a banana tree.
You really like this, don't you?
[Kelly] You gentlemen are doing great. Okay.
- Are you ready? Just bend over for me. - You've got a bigger vine than I do.
Bend over and pull.
Bend and pull. Doing great. That's right. Yeah.
- [phone ringing] - [Kelly] Pull and tug. Okay.
- [Kelly] Yeah. - [Sheila] You need to go to bed, sweetie.
[Kelly] Pull and tug.
- [Greta] Are you watching? - Yeah.
I'm watching.
- You and 20 million other Americans. - [Kelly] And now we're gonna stay down.
- [Kelly] Okay? Wiggle. - Sure you're not nervous?
I'm Greta. I love your, um-- your top.
Thank you.
Loretta is going to hand you the files
she's assembled for me over the last few weeks.
- Why did it take so long? [sighs] - [Loretta] It didn't.
We ask that you keep this process confidential.
- Thank you. - I think you'll be pleased.
So this is all very James Bond... [chuckles] ...which is super exciting.
But I can't do anything... [inhales sharply] ...quasi-legal. Or illegal. [chuckles]
Not without talking to my husband first. [groans]
We don't engage in any illegal activity.
We just call in favors from our fellow parishioners.
Discovery in the pursuit of understanding is, by nature, virtuous.
Amen.
She's beautiful.
[Greta] Oh, is that your baby?
Mm-hmm.
Is that-- [stammers] Okay. Great. Mmm.
[Greta] Jesus.
[sighing]
Objectively speaking, these are smoking hot nudie pics.
Of a very different Kelly Kilmartin than America knows and loves.
[Greta] Okay, but let's just walk this down the road a little bit, shall we?
- Holy Moses. - Whoa.
Okay, we sell these beaver shots to, what, the National Enquirer? Yeah?
They publish them,
and she loses a couple of endorsement deals.
Something like that. I don't know.
W-Where does that leave us?
In the lead, which is where we wanna be.
No. It leaves us with, A:
a guilty conscience for bashing another woman's healthy sexual appetite.
[Sheila] That's one way to put it.
And, B: no better off than we were before.
I don't see it like that.
Who's to say taking her down means you automatically take her place?
She's a TV star. You're...
not.
What's in the other file?
- Sheils? - What?
Oh, um, while they were digging,
I just had them look up some stuff on Danny, you know.
Just in case. It's no big deal.
You said you and Danny had settled things.
You didn't wanna spend any more of your energy fighting.
I don't, exactly.
But it doesn't hurt to also have an insurance policy.
Right, but isn't one of the steps in your recovery integrity?
Recovery's a long road.
And while I have made many strides, I still have many more to go.
And while we obviously would have preferred
Kelly Kilmartin not have the head start that she does,
I'm still choosing to see it as a positive
- and something we can learn from. - And therein lies the problem.
Excuse me?
You don't get to choose. Reality is what it is.
She beat you to the punch.
Choosing to see that as something good is...
delusional.
It's allowed us to fine-tune our understanding
of what exactly the customer wants, which, I believe, is actually
- what we're trying to sell. - The customer wants a product, okay?
And you don't have any customers because you seem...
almost pathologically hell-bent on not putting out a product.
[stammers] I'm not sure you're qualified to diagnose me, Ernie.
How long did it take to develop the Step product?
- It took three months. - [Ernie] And in that time,
we paid for how many prototypes until you were happy?
Seven.
So you're opposed to innovation? To new ideas? Just--
We no longer have the time nor the money for new ideas.
We're going with what we got, okay?
That's not okay.
[Ernie] The rest of the board is in full agreement.
Decision is final. The Step is going to market.
End of meeting. Thanks, everyone.
Actually, um, I would like to speak, Ernie,
on behalf of the mother of my child.
- Mother Earth. - Jesus Christ, Danny.
- [Ernie groans, sighs] - What?
This Step product, like so many plastics, contains artificial material,
that when broken down and allowed to contaminate our oceans and rivers,
cause irreparable damage to billions of microorganisms
that are the foundation of our food pyramid.
[clicks tongue] Here I have some, uh,
supporting literature compiled and published by Ocean Advocates.
My new gig. Consulting. Part-time. That's my choice.
They want me there all the time. I can't do that.
I want to... [sighs] ...offer to the group
the idea that we maybe have our customers...
[Sheila] Today I am celebrating 60 days without any intrusive critical voices
- or binges to shut them out. - [group member 1] That's great.
- [group member chuckles] - Thank you. [chuckles]
It may not seem like a lot to some of you, but, uh, to me, it is.
Uh, especially with the pressure that I'm under with work and with life.
[inhales deeply] But working the program is really working for me,
and just knowing that I have a place to come every week to talk, be heard,
yeah, it's been life-changing. So thank you.
That's my share. See you next week.
- [chuckles] Yay. - [Harriet] Mmm. [smacks lips]
Oh, uh... [stammers] ...if-- if I may, just a quick point of order for the group.
Uh, there's something we need to vote on. According to the bylaws.
[inhales deeply] Uh, there is a man who wants to join the group.
His name is Jim R.
What does the "R" stand for?
What?
[gasps] Oh, right. [chuckles] Anonymous.
Yeah. Anyway, we've never had a man ask to join the group,
and I understand that men have eating disorders.
And I find that comforting and a little-- just a little hilarious.
I personally would not feel safe with a man here.
Okay. Uh, Marsha, Carrie, what about you guys?
I don't know.
[stammers] I'm against it too. Uh, adamantly.
[stammers] Me too. A-Adamantly too.
I have to agree.
So is that that?
Oh, because the queen has ruled?
You asked for opinions.
And it's her house.
Yeah... [stammers] ...until those asshole alcoholics
give us a time slot down in the community room.
I mean, I, for one, like the idea of adding a little sausage to the party,
so all in favor of not being pussies, raise your hand.
Just me. Shocker.
All right... [sighs] ...motion defeated. [sighs] Status quo antebellum.
[news reporter] Olympic fever is already spreading here in the southland,
so we're on the scene with San Diego's very own John Breem.
It sure is hard not to be inspired by the discipline and dedication
of the athletes competing in the Games,
particularly when we have the opportunity to witness many of these elite athletes
training right here in our own community.
- [Danny] What a steaming pile of shit. - They're terrific role models...
Yeah. The only opportunity you're supporting is your own.
- [Breem] ...from San Diego... - Advertising on the backs of these kids.
- [Breem] ...right here... - [sighs] See, I know him...
- ...in our community. - [Danny] ...personally, unfortunately,
and let me tell you something. He is a lying sack of shit. [chuckles]
Can I get another one of the, um-- Can I get another one of the, uh-- this.
- Whatever. The fuck. - [bartender] Coming right up.
[Sheila] You're gonna do so great, sweetie.
You don't have to, you know, do great.
Just, uh, do yourself. Or be yourself rather. That's all.
We love you. [kisses]
[groans] We love you, kiddo. [grunts]
- Now get in there and knock 'em dead. - [school bell rings]
- [Danny] Bye. - [Sheila] Bye, sweetie.
- Bye. - [sighs]
- Did you look at the material on plastics? - Just because you're entitled
- to come to meetings... - It's important that you look...
- ...it doesn't mean you're required to. - ...at the stuff.
I'm not just coming up with it. I'm giving it to you for a reason.
- You're making me feel self-conscious... - You know who I saw on television?
- ...and you're not contributing anything... - Twinkle toes.
- John Breem. - ...to the meeting.
- Mr. Mormon. Tippity-Tap. Yeah. - Yes, I get who you're trying to insult.
Everybody seems to have so much time to watch television
when all I'm doing is working, building my business...
- ...and all that horseshit... - ...paying all the bills,
- looking after our daughter... - ...drunk on his own cocktail...
...trying to build something--
Do you think that maybe you ruined Maya's life by cheating on me?
I think I would have ruined it more by staying with you
and pretending that I was still happy.
We're having a Penny Social for new families.
It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Uh, we're having a Chinese raffle and Indian teepee toss.
[chuckles] That does sound fun.
I wonder if there's any other cultures you can insult.
Maybe there's a, uh, "Pin the nose on the rabbi."
I'm sorry. I think we're going to need two.
- [chuckles] We're divorced. - Oh.
Sure. I'll see you there.
- [Bonnie gasps] - [Pete] Oh! Wow.
- [Pete laughs] - [Ernie] Oh. Nice.
Oh, no, no more for me. I have a whole run of meetings tomorrow.
- Ah. My wife, the business lady. - Oh.
- [chuckles] - Businesswoman.
- Oh, okay. - [chuckles]
Well, what's the latest? You got any new videos coming out?
Oh, ask Ern. He's nickel-and-diming us.
I tell ya, he loves to take risks in the bedroom,
but in the boardroom,
- aversion's his middle name. [laughs] - [Bonnie, Pete laughing]
[laughs, sighs]
Hey, Greta. I, uh--
Can you help me with something in the kitchen, sweetheart?
[Greta] Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Hold on.
- Don't cut into that without us. - [Pete laughs]
[Greta] Come on, I'll bake your Alaska.
Don't ever embarrass me in front of my colleagues again.
Everything we have is because of me.
Everything.
[both chuckling]
But you know those Ortega chilies can be
- a lot hotter than you expect sometimes. - [mumbles]
It says "mild" on the can, and then inside,
- you get a big surprise. - [chuckles]
- Good evening. - Oh.
- [grunts]
Sorry, I'm a little later than usual today.
We're perfectly happy here. Your Grace is a little angel from heaven.
- [sighs] - Bless her soul.
And we have a plate for you, warm in the oven.
The boys had theirs already and went upstairs.
But not before thanking us and taking their own dishes to the sink.
- Somebody raised them right. - [chuckles]
And how does she seem today?
Not too bad, I would say.
There was one incident, but all in all, not too bad.
Mm-hmm.
Sh-- She asked us to go.
She used strong language.
[inhales deeply, sighs] I understand.
We told her we were trying to help her get through this difficult time,
that our whole community was behind her.
But she really, strongly wanted us to go.
So we did as you asked and made sure she was...
secure.
[clicks tongue] Well, I better go check on her then.
Uh, thank you both.
[sighs, sniffs]
[scoffs] You're here early.
Oh, just trying to brainstorm. [chuckles]
It's easier when it's early, you know? Quieter.
Oh, trying not to take that personally. [chuckles] I'm such a motormouth.
No, I'm happy you're here.
I've been feeling so lonely by myself lately, I--
This doesn't make any sense,
but I used to have a lot more company in my head,
and I don't miss it exactly, but--
- Company in your head? - That sounds crazy.
[stammers] No.
I had this mean critical voice in my head for forever...
[stammers] ...since I was a teenager at least and... [swallows, clicks tongue]
...you know, since recovery, it got quiet, which is a good thing,
but sometimes I wonder, you know, if that's what drove me
and that's what got me here, and without it,
I might not be able to, you know, keep--
Oh, my good-- Are you okay? I'm so-- Did I upset you?
- No, no. No, it's not you. Just-- - What? Sit. Sit.
It's, um-- um, me and Ernie, we're kinda-- [stammers] It's hard.
He was just so mean to me last night,
- like... [sniffs] - Oh.
...he made me feel like nothing,
and he did it in front of Bonnie and Pete Nickerson.
I'm-- [sniffs] I'm-- [stammers]
I don't even know what I'm doing. [stammers]
We put all that money into the Step,
and then we just get it scooped out from under us.
[stammers] Who do I think I am? [breathes shakily]
I can't even use the remote control without Ernie showing me first.
I hate hearing you talk like this. This is not you.
I can't ask Ernie for any more money.
[sniffles] I believe in you, Sheils, I really do.
But if I lose my Ern, I-- [stammers]
Everything I have is 'cause of him. I mean, he said so.
Let me get you a glass of water.
[exhales sharply, sniffles]
Hey! Excuse me. Excuse me.
What's the "D" stand for?
What? [sighs]
I don't remember there being a D there before. That new?
Yes. Well, no, it's-- it's my middle name, Dale. From my mother's family.
Oh, I thought maybe it stood for "divorced."
What-- What is that outfit? [stammers] Are you going for a swim?
[chuckles] It's not an outfit. It's a costume.
You know, I'm a Southern belle who got caught shoplifting
and sentenced to be a lifeguard at a public pool.
"Don't make me blow my whistle on you."
Haven't you seen Trish Out of Water?
[clicks tongue] I suppose I have. [chuckles]
Well, I didn't write the thing. I just starred in it.
Now, you better hurry up and tell me why you summoned me here,
'cause I got a full day of fittings and meetings, meetings about fittings.
It's just, people don't know how time-consuming it is
to get this look together.
So much time for so little clothing. [chuckles]
How you like that line? I'm workshopping it.
For what?
Late-night television.
I just did Johnny's show for the first time and not the last.
Yes, I saw it. [chuckles]
Too bad he wouldn't like you, as pretty as you are.
He just has a thing for blondes.
Sweet, young, all-American blondes.
[stammers] You're not that sweet, or young.
Oh, somebody put a little pepper in your ketchup today. Didn't they?
Speaking of ketchup,
what do you think Johnny would do
if somebody sent him those nudie pics of yours?
How do you know about those?
I have my methods.
He'd say, "Praise Jesus, and pass the hand lotion."
You can't get rid of me that easily.
[stammers] Oh, I've done it before. You're not even real.
I'm better than real.
I'm on television, and if you're gonna get where you wanna go,
you'd better get that cute little behind of yours on television too.
Do you really think it's little?
Bless your heart.
Greta thinks that we can't spend any more of Ernie's money.
Only ugly people have to pay to get on television.
Beautiful people have other means.
[chuckles] I'm sorry. [chuckles, sighs] I'll get that water.
[starting pistol fires]
[crowd cheering, shouting]
[announcer on PA] Qualifying times for the 400 meter hurdles
are now officially posted.
[starting pistol fires]
- Uh, can I help you with something, ma'am? - No, I'm fine. Thank you.
- Uh, this is a restricted area, ma'am. - I'm with him.
It's okay.
Olympic glory, huh?
It's just a satellite facility.
But it's good to be of service.
And promote your business in the process?
Thanks for stopping by.
How did you get on television?
- Do you know TV people? - Hey, Dad, did you--
[stammers] Hey, aren't you--
- No. You don't-- Son, you don't know her. - Wha--
From Mom's tapes, right? Yeah, she watches them all the time.
- Aw. - [Zeke] Or she did before.
Um, she's not allowed to exercise since the baby.
Oh-- Oh, well, tell her that my-- my new Step workout is actually safe
for women six-weeks postpartum for vaginal birth
and three months after cesarean.
How old is the baby?
W-What?
- [Breem sighs] - Um, well, I don't know about that.
But the ladies at church, they said that, um,
she just needs to rest until God's able to shed the light back into the darkness
she's been feeling since the baby was brought into this world.
Zeke, why don't you get back to the gang over there?
- Okay. All right. Bye. - I'll meet you in a second.
She's been having trouble since the baby?
[sighs] Our transaction was supposed to put an end to this.
That was our agreement.
Well, it didn't work.
Because I don't wanna be that kind of person anymore.
Who has to sneak through the back door.
I...
[sighs] I wanna earn things like an athlete.
By asking me to pull strings for you?
You know, if your wife has baby blues,
exercise could be exactly what she needs.
You don't need to concern yourself with her well-being.
I concern myself because that's my calling.
I didn't find exercise, it found me.
It saved me. And teaching it, it's-- it's what I'm here for.
I just need your contact and-- and I'll do the rest myself.
[sighs] There is someone I know at KUAY.
I can't guarantee anything.
[Sheila] I know this sounds crazy coming from me,
but these Steps are a waste of money, all of them.
Mine, Kelly Kilmartin's, and they're all made from artificial plastic materials
that end up littering our beautiful oceans.
The truth is, you don't need any special devices to get in a good workout.
All you need is music, energy and-- You know what?
Why don't I stop telling you and just show you what I mean.
Come on.
["New Attitude" playing]
Four, five, six, five, six, seven, eight.
Knee, knee, that's it. Let's move.
You too, guys. Get in here.
You got this. Keep it going now.
You don't need to Step, step it up. Four, five, six, seven, eight.
Take it to the next level. Doesn't that feel good?
Five, six, seven, eight.
Single, single, double, single, single, double.
Four, five, six, seven, eight.
We're taking it up. That's it, all the way to the top. Whoo!
- I can't believe you just walked in there... - [chuckles]
...and got on television. [mumbles]
- Got a job on television. - Well, I--
- National television. - I don't know if it's national every week,
but, yes, they-- they-- they want me back.
- [Fidelia squeals] - Once a week, my own segment.
- This is big, and so is the salary. - [chuckles]
- We can tell Ernie to go fuck himself. - [chuckles]
I love my husband, but good boundaries make good marriages.
- Good boundaries. - Good boundaries.
- Oh, my goodness. [chuckles] - Whoo! [chuckles]
[song ends]
Okay, you did it. Just like I told you to.
Now, wait till they see just how fucking crazy you really are.
["Spellbound" playing]